Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Michael Jackson tea
Episode Date: April 8, 2024Joey Diaz goes off about the eclipse, gives his recipe for Michael Jackson tea, talks about squirting people, what happened to his body when he took ZYN and much more! The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PA...TREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz
Transcript
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What's going on gentlemen, how was your weekend?
How are you sir, you know
Softball is back in full effect and the edibles are still working. That's all I got
Very nice to go out there
Get some sun
You know can't smoke no dope people throw you under the bus
Smoked dope in front of kids anyway, but I took about fucking 1500 milligrams about 10 in the morning
But I might got there. Wow
We got to go down to where the sopranos killed
whatever la serba
Okay pine barons in the hey, yeah la serba. You know, it's so crazy like you see jersey
There's a complete different part of jersey that is fucking everybody had
horses in their front yard, you know, I got a little scared you got to bring the rifle to the front seat, but
A lot of trumpers, you know
And uh, but it's fucking beautiful down there really was nice to get out of here
And that's it. That's how it was my weekend. I smoked some dope
I took some make it home
Like I usually do fucking get in the car and pray
It's time to play bumper cars
Jesus Christ
Now by the time I was driving home, I was a lot better, but I thought asleep at 10 15 last night
I was stoned all fucking day an edible in the morning
I was sleeping 10 15 last night. I was stoned all fucking day and edible in the morning
Fucking keeps the doctor away. Did that get did it keep you going the whole day or did you have to take more? No, I inhaled a couple more when I got home
Did something and then I
Was fucking tired. I'm like I gotta get the bed jack
We woke up like at seven for this shit.
You gotta be down there at nine.
That's an hour 10 drive.
This is people have no idea about my weekends.
Like, how are you?
I didn't see you Saturday night, bitch.
Is that to be up at fucking 630?
Damn.
What do you think about it?
Do you like going?
I really do.
You know, when you're a young guy guy you see somebody watching women's sports you like this fucking guy
He's definitely gonna fall out of a tree with a bag. I'm in the fucking long rain jacket
And then my father-in-law would always watch girls off and I'm like this this ain't right, you know, like this just
I'm not even gonna watch this shit, you know, I feel like a fuck and I gotta wear a cape when I was
And then you know, my daughter started playing and you watch the game you see the girls get stronger
And you're like fuck man. These girls like yesterday. I was blown away
I'm good. They've gotten since
They've started like I know of these fucking girls, you know.
They got big, you know, they're hitting now.
Three years ago, they walked around all shy.
Now they're hitting the fucking ball.
It's pretty impressive to see.
That's it.
I don't care whether she's a star.
I don't give a fuck because I know there's an education.
Getting to meet different people and fucking jump up and down with different girls
That's an education for kids the same way it was for us
What are you doing them when they lose? Is that like does you know that well?
Nothing. I don't do I don't say nothing. I'm not one of those fucking pistol Pete type dads
This is no and fun
This is for kids to get to know each other get to learn social skills
Get to learn what it feels like to win what it feels like to strike out
What it feels like to get hit by the fucking ball in the back, you know
so it's an education in itself and I remember being like I Talk talk to people a lot, you know, my friends I grew up with, and people get confused. Like I knew
these bunch of people when I was in the seventh grade, and they're like, how did you grow
up with them? And I go, because CYO basketball, we would all play our games. And then we get
in the fucking you know feet and
We walk and go get pizza. We'd walk into a pizza parlor with 20 guys You know ten girls and ten boys that had nothing bad on their minds. There was no sex. There was no
Kissing it was just young kids acting like fucking idiots
And I
Didn't hate it, but I was always bad like it like you mercy's really good the last time I saw her
She was making a bunch of hits. Listen Shane Hank Aaron
But she loves it and
Like I said, you know, listen what these parents don't know is your kid is great at softball when they're 10 or 11
And by the time they're 18 you're playing
the piano oh yeah and you had all these big dreams about going to oklahom I don't have no
big dreams she's got to have the big dreams you know it is kind of weird have you seen there's a
little kid like a little gronk or something like there's people who like a burning though like their fifth graders
like to be like the next big like NFL star like
Listen man, when you see what's going on today the laziness of kids
on apps and fucking phones and
You know, it's 70 degrees today. I'm walking around ain't a fucking kid out there. Oh
You know, it's 70 degrees today. I'm walking around ain't a fucking kid out there. All right, that's good
It's it's brutal. It's brutal for fucking kids
So, you know, this is the first time I go to the gym and that last week
When kids were off there was ten kids in there getting trained by a trainer
Not like in there knowing what they were doing. These kids couldn't hit the mitts They couldn't do dick
And I'm saying one of the kids was a black belt in taekwondo and the kid was and I'm watching this kid throw punches
And I'm like this kids in no danger
New York City, he's getting beat up by the
You know saying
Have you ever been beat up by the falafel guy
Now when I was growing up up by the falafel guy
Now when I was growing up there was no falafels it was straight-up hot dog with mustard ketchup or fucking
Sauerkraut that was good as a guy. I didn't even go for like the meat over rice
Like remember this shit was allowed when I was growing up. There was no people yelling on the street
Remember that night we're going to Sony Hall this guy yelling flounder fact
Andages flounder sandwich. I mean who would go in there for a fucking flounder sandwich on 42nd Street They just caught that flounder and fucking on the Hudson River and even a flounder. It's whatever
You know
fucking Egyptians
These Hamas they don't know how to fish don't take it out. That's a tuna. All right, it's a next thing
You know, it's a fucking shark. It's a jellyfish. They're all sitting there with swollen lips. Oh, no
Yeah, I
Would need half that stuff that that stuff was it was hot dogs
That's it. No, like you know
Walk 20 blocks that the city, you know hot dog guys are probably making 100 grand a year because
People had a walk to get to them now, you know, you're in competition
It's like having a Subway sandwich. I got a duke it out now with
Subway Carolina's sandwiches hot and spite
You know, it's not just some and they all suck
Isn't it so like they like they have fake?
Sobrette umbrellas like when you go when it says separate is probably actually not several you get those for $10 at a flea market
Here all you eat some kids fail
You know
No, I don't trust none of those motherfuckers no more I got a place right here in O bridge Nikki's dogs
Whoo the chili with the potato sticks. Oh
Whoo a couple potatoes that motherfucker
what
Well again, huh?
Yeah, she's not there every day though. She's there like Thursday through Sunday
So if I go to jujitsu Friday, and I've had a good week. I'll stop in there and get a fucking hot dog, you know
It's good for the soul man, but not one of those New York City hot dogs, but there used to be a guy that sat outside
Port Authority
Okay, some Times Square.
This is 30 years ago.
I would eat his fucking steak on a stick all the time.
That was real.
You know what?
The arrow, he was like Spanish with a turban on
just so they would let him get the license.
You know what I'm saying?
He was like Dominican with a beard and a turban.
He's over there.
I didn't know they had to do that.
What do you mean? I didn't know Spanish had to do that. What do you mean?
I didn't know Spanish people had to pretend to be Indian
to get the license.
What do you do to get ahead?
You gotta feed your family, you know what I'm saying?
So if it means putting on a turban and a beard
and you know, nodding.
Fucking, what's the word they say?
Hello, what the other one?
I don't know.
I don't like they say hello, that's like saying kosher. No, no, what's the other word they say? Hello That's like saying kosher no, what's the other word they say, you know, no Abdullah
Where would the God they go to oh
Don't think we know I don't think we should say that one. I watched Kingdom last night
so like for a little while the one when they go over there and
Jamie whatever and fucking the chick James Gardner
Okay, and then they go over there and you know, I'll I whatever
Boy Allah
The guys missing fingers from making bombs part-time and shit
Let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning cocktuckers I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom
I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom Listen, the struggle is real but the solution is chilly. You understand me hot today tamales tomorrow
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Have a great day
Turn off your TVs run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up
I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking
What's the story there mongo how is your eclipse hey listen leave me alone, please
What you know I brought one for you good good take him and sell him back to the guy who sold those to you You know what one no no I don't want no fucking it could work the eclipse is over
I was out there with no no shields at all
That's looking around nothing happened
Maybe tomorrow wake up. He'd be one dude glad. I don't know what happened left
It was fucking bright here
Yeah, it was bright here too for a little while and then you know, even the cat was like I'm not sitting out here
Fuck it people went on vacation for it. Can you believe that? Oh, yeah
Monday Tuesday through Wednesday the busiest days at the airport this week high travel people
You know, what's funny? I'm sitting there going what if it's a joke and the fucking rush is just bomb that whole line
And you sit there going I should stay home my my business. You know I'm saying
Like whatever I see a big glomeration like that. Oh
I ain't going not even that there's nothing up before I was watching world news tonight. Ah
We got together to watch it leave me alone, all right
What country all those migrants they're fucking out people?
Mexicans they're fucking doing laundry and cutting grass, you know black people are working
Well, it's a bunch of white people out there with glasses like oh god. This is beautiful with Birkenstocks. Yeah, I
Hope they had Mando on because those people those eclipse people get stinky as fuck. Oh
I used that Mando last week. Whatever you have they're fucking gone that Mando. I stopped itching
We whatever you have they're fucking gone that mando. I stopped itching every night I get like dry skin from itching, right?
I'm set to put the mando on because she would keep it would keep the moisture away
Dog, I go to fucking the blue light therapy. I rub that on me. I don't sweat a bead. You know I'm saying I'm in there fucking
How much are you putting on I I put a stick on every time I go
Weed when I come out of this like it's all over I'm pissing all over myself by the way guys
I'm very sorry about the podcast last week. I had a pee like nine times
I mean, it's scary and what it was is those zimps
Really I could eat one of those things maybe two
But if I'm walking around like some fucking guy on and a you know, you know brokeback Mountain chewing that shit all day
Oh my god. I got up to pee two nights in a row. It was like a 20-minute pee. It would just go to the
It was like a 20-minute pee it would just go to the
To the I'm like I'm going back to bed now. I'm gonna be better get back then stand like a fucking statue
It's a goddamn nightmare. I threw those things out because I bought like a blue one
like some type of mint
Whatever and I bought some
Some whatever and it was okay, but I'll tell you what, Lucy, whatever,
tastes a lot better than that.
But I think it swells up my fucking prostate or something.
It was not when I had to take the fucking root again.
And now I'm pissing normal again.
Thank God.
That day, like the one day I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go No Just whatever they put in there. There's a bunch of stuff. I can't take
There's a bunch of stuff even if it's like vitamins sometimes I buy vitamins over 50 next thing
You know, I'm up all night pissing. I'm like I gotta throw this out 60 bucks. They told me I will live till I'm 90
Yeah, I live because I'm gonna piss myself the debt to you. That's how I'm gonna fucking die
But anyway, it don't matter. How was your week last week? That's what's important to me
My week was good
But it was the first week in a while where I didn't have any shows and then the weather didn't help out cuz that's what
Killed me last week. Oh really? Oh, it was fucking you know, you got 22 inches of snow up there. Yeah
I love I left my early. Yeah, you know we got rain Wednesday night
That I just want you know, I go for my little seven o'clock ride my little 730 ride
Just to keep everybody fucking tight
And I was a friend of mine called I pulled over to talk to him Lee
Lee what I saw
like I could see the wind shifting the rain and
the fucking trees shaking and then my truck started shaking I'm like you know what I ain't
going out tonight really was that bad yeah it was bad Wednesday and then Thursday rain
and then I was like I'm done I had planned for Friday, but they got squashed. My daughter had a softball scrimmage and
Then that's it. So hopefully I'll go out tomorrow night Wednesday night
You know, I got little plans and that's it. I got a stick to them. I gotta get ready, you know, I'm in training and shit
Oh, yeah, speaking speaking of that Did you feel the earthquake this weekend? Yeah
Nothing. No, I lived in LA for 23 years. That was bingo time people running
While Prius is taking off everybody was scared all the electric cars and shit
That's what everyone said everyone said they were freaking out and it looked like it looked it wasn't a tiny one
But it was like a four
It's funny cuz I was in the gym
Okay
And I was with my buddy training
And as it went down
Nobody knew what had happened
And I told him the story about when I moved here Lee
You know, I got here August 19th,
but I didn't move into my house till September 2nd.
Right.
My daughter started school September 4th.
It was like we moved in and we were off and running.
I was going through hell at the time.
I was living hell.
I brought boxes of edibles with me. Mm-hmm
And I just could not
The anxiety was killing me from the fucking withdrawn on his annex and shit
And my head was just fucked up. I just we went through eight years on that corner eating fucking 2,000 milligrams a day
Plus I was moving. It was a big challenge, you know I just, we went through eight years on that corner, eating fucking 2000 milligrams a day.
Plus I was moving. It was a big challenge, you know?
So after the first week I'm here,
I realized that my daughter's going to school
and I'm going to bed two hours before her.
Before she's leaving.
Like I was on California time.
I wasn't going to bed till 1.30 in California.
So I get here, I'm staying up till five, 5.30
and I'm enjoying it.
Like I'm up at night, there's COVID,
and I'm popping these fucking hash pills.
All right.
And I'm going off.
By that time I had the Michael Jackson tea brewing.
I had the three packs of THC tea
and I would put a thousand milligrams
and fucking tar in it, syringe.
And then I would put, you know,
1400 milligrams of ABX in there.
It was Michael Jackson tea.
Yeah.
By the time I got finished with it wasn't even tea
It was like a fucking silk of oil on the top
It was just amazing and I would drink it and I would get fucked up
But I know what my reaction would be every night. I
Didn't know if I was gonna pass out I didn't know if I was gonna pass out. I didn't know if I was gonna eat half the kitchen Some nights whatever was in that fucking junk would make me stay up and do fucking somersault down here
And I'm watching TV and I'm smoking dope outside and I'm like, you know
And then one night we moved in on the fourth and a second
Okay, it's still all died on the fifth
Second, okay. It's still all died on the fifth
Thing okay, so we moved here like on a Saturday
Me and my sister-in-law got off the phone on Tuesday And by the time I went to the stress factory and pulled into the garage to do a set with Tim Dillon
My sister my other sister called me and she goes did you hear the news? I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm gonna blast it out of my fucking mind
I'm starving. Let me go upstairs to the kitchen. See if there's any salami and cheese
Whatever. I was eating those days and I walk upstairs Lee and
One minute I'm eating and the next minute Lee the kitchen looked like a bomb dropped
Right. There was cheese puffs and fucking white bread and fucking salami on the floor And I had opened up like a fucking iced tea and it would leak and in the middle of all this
I'm sitting in the fucking kitchen
Lee you just won't believe this. It's four o'clock in the morning. I'm sitting in the kitchen
I'm looking at the light in the living room. Okay. A chandelier.
It's just like a little light that hangs.
Right.
For some reason, God made me look at that light.
And the next thing you know, I heard a fucking rumble Lee, like the house was shaking and
shit.
And I'm like, this has to be a bad dream.
I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I'm telling you the story for the first time the truth
I'm looking at that chandelier shaking and I'm feeling the cabinets are shaking and the plates and shit
Okay, and once it stopped I
Just sat there looked around I'm like
I'm gonna deal with that. I'm gonna finish the salami sandwich I'm going to bed like nothing that. I'm gonna finish the salami sandwich
I'm going to bed like nothing happened. I'm gonna make believe
That did not happen because that was earthquake and there ain't no fucking way on earth
But I just lived in California for 23 years. I'm here for two weeks and there's an earthquake
This is just a bad dream
And there's an earthquake. This is just a bad dream
This is the edibles this did not happen and I went to fucking bed and when I got up that morning there was a
fucking earthquake and freehold
Right where Ken, uh, you know the Chinese guy is right
It was right down there Lee, you know, I woke up the next morning like what the fuck that I do
What do you mean you thought like it was like you're falling I was God telling me I made a mistake or I
Brought an earthquake with me from Cal. I mean I woke up the next day and that was all on Twitter You brought a fucking earthquake with you your fuck
Holy shit crazy. You think you would blame yourself for them. I didn't blame myself. I just thought I had the Maluk on me
I thought you know
And this was my sign that this is not gonna be any bueno and shit
Oh, and then and then how does that relate to the one that just happened?
I was telling the story and then the woman that his ex-wife is
Also a trainer in the gym. She came out of a different room and she goes,
did you feel that earthquake?
Well, that was an earthquake and I
told him the story of what happened to me.
He was dying of laughter.
Talk, it was so surreal.
It was like the night we were in the office right before we left,
and that car came by and yelled our names.
Oh yeah. We both looked at each other looked at each other like it's time to go
Yes been there for eight years
And all of a sudden the pandemic and nobody's allowed in the street and somebody actually came to the gate and
Was yelling for us to come out to get high or whatever the fuck they were saying
And I'm like, it's time to go. So when I got here and I got that earthquake, I'm like, ah
That's a signal Jack. We better pack our bags up
And go back to Cali like fucking hello. Cool. J. Jesus. Did you look at it or it was just like a momentary panic?
It was a what like did you actually look at moving back or was just like a panic for no?
No, I didn't fucking look at moving back. I was like, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it That first week It was just like one thing after the other I wasn't sure I had made the right move
You know, she was one of the assistant laws. She looked three hours from me
But I fucking love with a debt. She was there when I started comedy
She did everything for me when I when I came back in 93
And over the years she would come to my shows and you know
She made fucking best chicken cutlets
you ever had. She had like three dishes that were fucking unreal. So I was waiting to come
back here to hang with her and I would go down there on the weekends with her and my
brother. I fucking loved it. So that news was brutal. And then three days later, two days
that I drive three and a half hours to the fucking wake in
Covid and I'm petrified I got a pee and I gotta walk into these gas stations and I'm like what the fuck
And then I walk into a funeral ball and they're everywhere
And people got masks on and I'm like this is not happening. I'm gonna die
And I remember staying there for an hour and getting back in the car and it was another three and a half hour drive
And I had to keep stopping because I was nervous had anxiety from the fucking
Covet that I was gonna get it in the gas station. It was brutal
And you don't you don't really drive for anybody
I'm almost surprised you went I had to go to this one this one. I had to do this one was
There was no getting out of my way out of that one, you know, so
I'm happy I went I made his world. I made my world by going
It gave me peace and I'm still in that piece with her death. Obviously. I'm still talking about I took one of the flowers
I took one of the flowers from on top of a casket and I still got it I mean I was tight with the Lee really tight with it
She had been married to my brother since I was 23
20
23 24
Wow
They stayed married that entire time and she was she looked at you would come to shows every time you were in town
Every time I came to town Jersey, Philadelphia
Atlantic City, New York City. I gave her a fucking edible
Hit New York when they shot the window all that
Right. They were that man. So, you know, it kind of was fucked up at first it happened when I was in a parking garage
You know, that's when they were doing comedy in a tent
Jesus it was just like a fucking it was like something out of a twilight zone. I'm like this is not
Fucking happening
But we live and we learn, we get stronger, we become savages, and we keep slinging dick
cocksucker.
What do you got this week?
You got any comedy?
What do you got?
Oh yeah, this week I'm doing a big one with Josh Wolf at the Gramercy Theater on April
13th.
Oh?
Yeah, it's going to be great.
I'm so excited to do all these, like I've gotten to do Sonny Hall with you, and now
I'm doing like another really awesome theater in
New York, it's like it's in New York to me is like the
Mecca for comedy and so just to be able to do anytime in New York is awesome
Crazy is a young comic
What cities you hold?
Yeah, there's a list that you won't tell nobody
Hold yeah, there's a list that you won't tell nobody
Want to perform, you know, mm-hmm, but you don't want people to laugh you'll never get into the punchline, right?
No you'll never get to
the spellbinders because you
You Jewish, you know, whatever right?
They always uh
She don't say nothing. You just take the weeks as they go
First place I really wanted to go to lee
And I got my wish was detroit really
What about what was it about detroit a buddy of mine
Was from Detroit
and I really really like
He was one of my saviors in Colorado from
87 to about 95
He was tight with me. He always got me great jobs. He sold me cars at cost, you know
and I just like them and I
Always liked the idea of it was the capital of murder and whatever the murder capital for a long time
And we're really having was a friend of mine
Asked me to go to the Bahamas with him to do a cruise right? Oh shit, okay
And really good guy. He just reached out to me two days ago to check in
This is 1995
Me and him february of 95 which i'm supposed to meet him in
Florida somewhere to get on this ship
And you go you do
We weren't doing all this we were doing in the Bahamas
Like a resort at the Bahamas, right? I was really nervous because he called me and said you had to be spotless
To the few slipped
They would come take you off the stage and by the time you got to the end of the stage your room was packed and
they had a helicopter for you to drive to take you to the mainland and some parts were pressed charges on you
You know, this is 1995
I'm a little sweating it and about
Bro a week before the gig
He calls me from the hospital in Florida
His fucking something is gallbladder blew up something and he had a cancel that week
Right, and I'm like damn but again, I knew I was gonna get taken off that island. There was no way
I was definitely gonna get pulled off that island. I didn't know if it was the first night or the third night
So when he got back he felt really guilty and he goes you have a resume my
resume and I had a cop his resume because I used it I would always open up
for him so people would say send the resume and I would have one of his and
whatever plus I would look at his resume and fucking dream. He was the HBO comic of the year in 1985
You know had a couple specials shit
and
He goes pick a club
And I saw this club in Detroit, Michigan. I go that one
And he goes I'll call you back and he called me back and he goes call the guy. He's waiting for you to call
Joey's Comedy Club.
And were you headlining or featuring?
I was featuring in Dearborn, Michigan.
Jesus.
And I drove and the weekend changed my life.
I learned how to feature really well.
I got three more weeks off it to me and I met a girl that I ended up staying with until
1999 or something.
It was the weirdest weekend ever.
Yeah, that's a pretty good weekend.
Yeah, I drove back and then she came to Boulder and hung out with me for a few weeks.
Then she went back to Michigan to to get her stuff then she came back
To boulder we went camping and then she went to seattle and I met her like two weeks later
Damn all because of this one weekend. Yeah
All because of detroit
And you just kind of picked it at random
Yeah What you know listen? And you just kind of picked it at random Yeah
What you know listen, I?
Always wanted to go to New York, but that what was I got to prove in New York?
I already knew the rules in 94 and 95, you know people would tell me if you go to New York and I gotta get a dime
Mm-hmm. We said is free. So you got cover yourself and get rides and then I'm like, and then I really wanted to do Vegas
But there was something about the insignia of the Seattle Comedy Club at the time the underground
Mm-hmm. That just seemed cool to me to name the underground seemed cool
The insignia now that I ever think I'd end up in Seattle now
But that's the way it went
You know, that's just the way life was going at that time. There was no plan
It was you know
Kumbaya one minute you're in idaho the next minute you're doing a one-man show, you know
Not a one-man show, but you're doing a show in wyoming
The next thing you know i'm in michigan
But then like when did the switch change because you and I were talking today and you have a plan
For everything now
I've always had a plan. This is your fucking career
You know, you're not gonna get nowhere running like rampant, okay
You're not gonna get nowhere running rampant it's great to be that in the beginning
Until you really find out what's going on and how the system works and you don't even know how it works at that point
You're still going on the funny gauge
You know nothing about selling tickets and you don't want to know
You barely got a head shot
Yeah You don't get a head you barely got a headshot Yeah
You don't get a headshot to 10 people ask you for one
I'll send you a caricature when I went to court in 87 the guy from the paper drew a can know I'm just
but
That that's the problem. I don't like people moving slow in comedy. I
Didn't have the basics till I was in Boulder in 95.
That's why I started getting the basics.
But I was attacking Lee.
I was like, you got a gig, I'll do it.
Gas station, under the gas station.
I used to do a gig on Monday nights.
I still laugh about it.
I was at a bar and they had a stage.
You think they put us there. No
They had a room all the way in the back that had like this
Molding on the wall that looked like you were and only sat like 12 people
But and I would go in and kill on Monday nights, you know, like just in this little fucking room
It was just a set for me
But that was the mentality, you know when I talked to Jimmy Florentine,
he's around the corner from me.
I love talking shop to Jimmy because he'll
tell me what places around here used to do comedy back then
when he started 30 years ago.
And one of the places is the same strip club
that my buddy's on now.
That was always a strip club.
And he did the open mics there on Monday night upstairs. They have an upstairs
So he would do the open mics upstairs at this fucking strip club
I can't wait till I look back at them. It's like I
At least at my point and i'm lucky I get to talk to you and I get to talk to all the like the people I'd open
for
But I don't I don't know how to I wouldn't know how to make a plan for comedy if it paid me. Yeah
It's a time and maybe I'm just nowhere near that point. Yeah, but just I'm I would do any show anywhere and it's
It's like listen I work dumb with comedy I could sit here and lie to you I
Didn't start working comedy correctly until I met my wife
It wasn't about 2003 2004 where she goes, let me see your notebook
And she's like you gotta get rid of this
Why would you do that? You know, I was I was booking weeks that I shouldn't have been booking.
I had the Comedy Store.
I could do five sets on that at the Comedy Store.
But five sets at the Comedy Store is what?
Fucking $75.
Right.
You know, maybe she gives you a main room spot.
You got to sell something.
I would sell a couple of eight balls back then
just to make ends meet or do a Mexican room.
And it didn't really start clicking for me. You got him I would sell a couple eight balls back then just to make ends meet or do a Mexican room
and
It didn't really start clicking for me, you know when you on January 1st, you got to go listen
At that level when I was in LA, I would put like I got a book of guest star
Five co-stars a short film and three commercials
That was the acting side just to You, you know, the stand up side,
it was always, I wanna add 20 minutes
and I wanna get funny.
It was never about being the funniest guy.
I just focused on being funny.
Those were the goals.
You're looking at your weekly goals,
your monthly goals, and your quarterly goals, which whatever how
you want to choose a quarter, three or four months, that's your preference. Okay, and
that's what you look at. And then at the end of that, you go, where am I going to be a
year from now? Just a year from now? Where do I want to be? And what things do I need to do to get there in a year?
I need to do 400 spots.
I need to take a cold reading workshop to help my standup.
I need to do, you know, couple seminars
because, you know, around here, they're all cheap.
The same seminar you get in Boston and New York.
Well, Boston, Jersey are a lot cheaper
than you pay in New York.
Oh yeah, okay.
And you're always gonna get one thing from somebody.
My daughter went to basketball camp last week.
And I told her, I said, listen,
I don't know what you're thinking.
But I know from experience,
if you get one thing in those five days, one thing and work on those five things that those that thing
Yeah, it was worth me sending you there and it was worth it for you
Rather than going expecting to be like the best basketball player. No, that's why I really enjoyed what you did two weeks ago
You did a weekend and then you went right into a week
Okay, that's awesome. And I know
for a fact
That you improved just a little bit. I know yeah, not because I was watching you not because people were telling me
But because I know I know how those weeks work. And what happens is you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday,
you have off and you're tired. And then like, I don't know if I want to do that, man, if
I can Monday, and you go down and you have a great time, whether you bomb or whether
you fucking, you know, kill it, you have a have a straight tummy that gives you motivation for the week
So you put two weeks when the case I might do those triple runs
for a month
Like every night seven nights a week. No, no, no, no not even it was
Some weeks were Tuesday through Saturday. Okay, some weeks were Wednesday through Saturday
some weeks had a Sunday and
I would take those for a month and come back twice
To see my daughter
That's it stop there. Okay, I would come back on Sunday
State till fucking Wednesday and Tuesday
See her and then get back in the car and leave again. And I would do it two weeker.
And you do that for a month.
I mean, you know, you're there every day, Lee.
You're in your room, you're in your car.
When you have nothing else, you're gonna focus on comedy.
It's like when guys go to prison, you know,
they got one thing to focus on fucking weights
they come out looking like Lou Ferrigno before the operation because
That's all they did in there. They stuck to their carbs. You know, you only get a hundred carbs a day
I don't know. I'm just saying, you know
Everybody's like well, he they get so ripped yet because it's like being in fucking solid there. You're not picking all day
So rip yet because it's like being in fucking solid there. You're not picking all day
Right on the potato chips on the corner. You're not getting a sandwich and with Nino
You're not even a half burrito your buddy at five before you have dinner
So when you only have one thing to work on
You know the fucking
via The gains are gonna be tremendous
You might not see him immediately, but you'll see him
six weeks from now when
somebody calls you and says the headliner is
Is running late you got to do fucking ten more extra minutes
And there you are good to see you brother and there you are
Stuck and in your mind you collapse, but then muscle memory takes over
And right there's a lady with an orange hat. Oh, you just got three minutes off you
You get to talk about that ladies orange hat Yeah, like when somebody in a UFC fight when somebody gets punched three or four times and they grab your legs and clinched to regain
Like they're hearing birds and Chinese music and the room is tilting and shit
Holy shit, but that's
It's um, that's your oxygen
That's why I always love jujitsu and comedy
Because when you're in a closed guard, that's your home. That's the safest you're gonna be I have his arms
My legs are around his body. This gives me a chance to fucking breathe and think of my next move or I'm gonna bait him
And so you feel more like that doing like a crowd work than you do material. Oh
This is all
Listen, you go up there with a 40-minute set that you have planned out, correct?
Okay, and then they call no you have a 30-minute set you have a 25-minute set as a feature
Yeah as a feature you've been doing 28 if they pull you out of Boston you're down to 20, you know
And all of a sudden you're on stage. You've already done your rain material. You've done your fucking
You know, they didn't tell you this before you went up right now
They're gonna send you a note to the state and go the headline is running late
Stretch it out bitch
Fuck and now you're gonna be forced things to that's how you improve and that's where you see the improvement
And that's when you know what your next move is. That's why your priorities should change with comedy every 90 days
No something else
This month I'm gonna focus on this joke and this is big the way to put it
And every month you have a mission every week you have a mission
Yeah, that's not
That's crazy to think about all I've thought about up until this point is like just trying to write jokes and be funnier
Yes, what you should be thinking about at this level.
Okay.
That's it.
Everything else as you're doing this, you're learning.
This is a, listen, man, we were talking about something in Austin that, uh, about
a, somebody who went to Montreal and did very well and they gave him the world.
And one day he just iced himself you know and he had
a pretty good movie career going his there was a particular director that
fell in love with him you know and was giving him movies but what he wanted to
do they didn't want to do you know And it's really weird because I always think of them
when people get a quick push, how they're gonna handle it.
You know, they're either gonna excel
and then you gotta give them rope again
because how they gonna deal now they got 10 million.
How they gonna treat other people?
Are they still gonna come to the comedy store and do sets?
You know, it's very interesting
to see all those things also.
And then,
I want everybody to be ready
before they get hit with a ton of bricks.
That's what my point is here in this,
in this comedy career, there's two fucking careers in comedy
There's that fucking around one
We got your friends and you're all comparing shit
Then you move up a little bit and then you move up a little bit then guess what?
It gets fucking real
And now every time you go on stage like I told you every time I go to the store and I bomb I'd walk to the car
Going there's the last time I'm gonna see this building
Yeah, I feel that way every time I go on stage right there I do I do see it's fucking nerve-racking oh
It's had alone that alone that thinking in your mind
That eats at you yeah, we tell you and it's and you know all these things I want you to when you walk listen
you know I
Don't even know how I was prepared for Mitchie Shaw
till this day I sit there and
I'm like How did I pass?
That audition
That audition was scary enough if I if you want me to city and go, oh, no, I just walked in it
Dog your shit in your pants. You got a bead of piss. It's about to come out of your turtleneck
I had a wrap my uncircumcised dick with a bread tie. Yeah, I
Got a piece of shit in my ass. My stomach is rumbling
You don't have a cocktail because you might forget your material
You don't want a small pot because you might forget your material. It's a thousand things you're going up in front of your
your future
Whatever you think it is
So what if you go yeah, I'm gonna be a comedy still got you walk in there she goes not
You got to go home and come up with plan B. Now, what do we got?
Can't even imagine that I got when her feedback is where you just got awful or
You know does she think you you gotta come back in six months?
Six months will we work there and I fucking run circles around him. I
Don't know. I don't know what to tell you you do what the fuck you want to do now
She gave you six months you show up in nine months. You blow her fucking wig off and
Now you're regular, but what if she would have told me no
right
What I don't know how you would deal with that. I don't know. I would have to go to a laugh factor the next day
You know remember I got that land on Monday next Tuesday. I went to the lab factory waited all day
Had a great set and the guys like it's never gonna work for you in LA
Jamie Masada who once I got the podcast he was calling me every week body
And I love Jamie, you know, I'm not
but it's really weird and you have to take that and learn how to
Move forward a lot of people can't take three of those punches to the head and not move forward no comedy store
They can't get an agent
The girlfriend dumped you for an actor. That's enough right there. That's
well, then
Didn't already get turned down like not turned down by like didn't he have to audition like 18 times or something. Yeah, that's crazy
Like you what do you think that did to it? Cuz now he's doing theaters and killing it. She
Listen man when you get into comedy
It's not about the money or it's it's the fucking
It's the the longevity of what you know
You have to it's a different, you sell a piece
of your soul.
You sell a piece of yourself.
Now I'm giving the right to these people to call me every day and pitch ideas at me.
Now, you don't get popularity, you lose pieces of yourself.
Why?
Everybody can handle that
because everybody wants a piece of you, Lee.
The agents want a piece of you.
The managers come out of the world,
the same people you talked to 10 years ago
and told you to try ballet.
Now they call you up and like,
what are we gonna need to do here?
We've known each other for 20 years.
Why did you not sign with me?
He told me
10 years ago, you know
So that takes
That itself all that, you know because now you're going from I want you guys to
Know comedy a hundred percent in and out before you can start getting hit in the head with bricks
I'm your protective uncle and your protective father
Because that's like becoming a blue belt in jujitsu 50% of people quit right off the bat
Really?
When it starts to go well, I saw
I saw I can you know if I got a notebook and I wanted to be a dick and embarrass people
I saw 10 comics who lasted a month in LA.
And then, you know, they were gone.
The pressure doing anything in LA.
They were starting to they were starting to, but it wasn't home.
It wasn't home.
You're in triple A ball.
You're the star. You're hitting home runs.
People want to jump up and down with you. Now you're a major league ball. Nobody knows
who the fuck you are. You're carrying towels. You're fucking bringing waters. You're calling
people mister. It's the same, you know, it's the same fucking concept, man. so being a king in your town headlining people coming up to you now you get
to la it's college football you were a big high school star go to division one you know you're
six foot six guess what there's 20 motherfuckers like that now and they all run the 40 faster than
you bitch you're like ah and you get there and these guys are jumping here you thought you were Johnny Atlas
right your high school program made you believe you were Johnny Atlas and
You bought it you ever see that movie with
Clint Eastwood and Justin Timberlake and the Amy Adams. Oh, he plays a scout I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie
I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie
I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie
I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie
I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie
I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie I'm trying to hit me now see these are the people that piss you off They don't bother you all day then they want to bother you when you're on the fucking podcast
So, you know he gets to the Atlanta Braves
The Mexicans throwing heat at him, you know, I'll Santiago whatever his fucking name was right and the kid melts
Because he's been getting blown smoke of his ass for fucking four years that gentle of a mind cannot take that
Your mind cannot take that at that age
Not too many people could run with the punches with that. That's a rough fucking move
You know, so same thing happens with comedy
You just went up to Montreal and people laughed and shook ass then you stumble into the comedy store
You gotta follow bill burke after the Yovon and he fought and she fought he followed
Lucy Lou and fucking she followed Whitney Cummings and on and on and on and on
you know somebody saw you in a club in new york and
Decided to test you up in montreal again, you know put you in montreal where people are dying to find a new face
Oh my god, he's 28. He's
so weary
Comedy central gives him a deal and then he stumbles into the fucking store with ego
Right and boom Gives him a deal and then he stumbles into the fucking store with ego right and
Boom you see them I've saw it a thousand times
That's tough that rejection
When you when you're used to doing so well, yeah three years from now you go to your touring and you go to a club
And he shows up. Hey, what happened to you? Oh my grandmother she lost a call with diabetes and I had to move back. I
Get it, brother. I'm still headlining. I I do this I do cruises part-time. Yeah, that was too much and
There's nothing wrong with accepting that now
Without further delay. I gotta do I gotta talk to you people about draft kids. Give me two minutes. All right
I'll be back
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Well I'm doing great man. I just we were talking about
Comedy like I just like not having shows
Is like the war I haven't had that in a while and that was it was the worst
It's a rough week, but after the week you had
listen
sometimes Everything helps a little bit now your body got a chance to It's a rough week, but after the week you had listen sometimes
Everything helps a little bit now your body got a chance to
rest your mind is clear and
Your body your mind learns something from that muscle memory in Vegas
You learned a lot of things. That's a big stage
Different type of people different type of clientele. It wasn't what you expected. You thought it was gonna be Sinatra people with Tuxedos.
Oh no, a lot of air tanks and oxygen tanks,
fucking batches and people with spots like me.
And you know, it's not the clientele you thought.
But you learned.
You learned and it taught you how to rough it.
You know, you have to put a taught you how to rough it.
You know, you have to put a you have to sleep at night.
That hotel with fucking a suitcase in front of your door
because they will break in there.
And that's part of it.
Oh, yeah. That's all that's all part of this fucking.
What you're going for at the end, you don't see it now. Nobody does.
Nobody does the suffering and the fucking
Sleeping in shitty places where you're like, you know what?
I'm not even gonna sleep in here. I'll sleep in my car. I'll come in here and take a shower in the morning but I ain't sleeping in here that type of shit and houses and
Long sets and people ripping you off
Listen, I came here four years ago.
Okay.
I just let's talk about facts here.
And I decided that I wasn't ready to go on the road, nor did I want to.
I needed some time.
I didn't like what was going on.
I didn't feel good.
I didn't want to get COVID on the road.
You know, I'm a fat what was going on. I didn't feel good. I didn't want to get COVID on the road.
I'm a fat dude with shitty lungs.
There were my reasons.
Plus, my daughter, COVID had fucked up my daughter
a little bit, staying home from school those three months
in LA, four months.
It was just, so I decided, let me sit tight.
I was getting the weed
Company started right? I didn't know I
didn't really want a podcast I
Didn't know what to do and
Two months in somebody called me with a book deal, you know, and they're like if you don't want to do this
you know think about it I was like
You know and they're like if you don't want to do this, you know think about it. I was like
Let's do it the people were like we really want the book at this point, you know We've been I was talking to the guy for five fucking years late. Jesus. I was trying to write that book since 2006
Yeah, that man you at least yeah, and
I had this chance and i'm like, you know the money they're giving me
Isn't going to be great. It's not like I can fucking whatever,
but it'll keep me in chicken cutlets for five or six months
till I decide that came from nowhere, okay?
Then I got another call one day
and it was one of the best calls I ever got in my life.
And she said that,
these people wanna do business with you,
they wanna give you this amount of money.
And I was like, well, well, well, let me call you back.
Cause I just had an earthquake, you know,
it's only like a month before.
This is what had happened like a month before,
maybe, you know, mid October, I was here since August,
and I had no plans on doing anything.
I was barely getting out of the house just to go to Jimmy's
to watch football and fucking.
She called me and she goes, I got this for you.
And I thought it was a fucking dream.
And I took it and I felt guilty for a month or two.
And I'll tell you what happened.
I thought about two things.
I thought about the time I bumped into Slash
at the Riviera Hotel.
And I bumped into something I hadn't heard early on.
When all these idiots are like,
Lee, you're still doing the joke, do.
And you're like, yeah.
Tell us a joke.
You know, let's see how funny, you know,
you always get your cousins or people to say that to you.
And then they're like, hey, how much you making you making and you're like nothing. I'm just an apprentice
I'm gonna and they're like, you know, I get no money you fucking idiot and all this shit
And a wise wise man told me every time you go to these open mics
Anytime you go to a clinic anytime you go do a free spot that takes an hour, you're
punching it.
You're punching it.
We discussed this a thousand times.
Yeah.
Punching it.
Yeah, but Joey, it cost me 50 bucks and gas.
Shut your mouth.
They're giving you 15 minutes.
One of the best comics in the world.
He's doing you a fucking solid.
And he you know, all you're worried about is a limo and you get those guys like if I'm working with him
I want a limo dog. You got eight minutes. You just bombed at the fucking silver
Frog on a Tuesday night and you want people lose their minds because somebody told them they were funny or whatever
But all that shit when people rip you off when you go there
There was a year that this woman didn't want me in her clubs whatever But all that shit when people rip you off when you go there
There was a year that this woman didn't want me in her clubs
and I would call every week for a guest set and she'd give it to me because
And she hated me But I I knew I was gonna get better from doing those guest sets and showing her that I was better than her
Like just because she wasn't gonna book me me that means I wasn't gonna work a room
I'm working your fucking room because if you don't put me in them a call the bar owner or the club owner to ask him
He's gonna go. Why don't you book Joey Diaz? So
right
Well that day I realized
all that shit I did for free in Seattle and
Denver
And when I first moved to LA the people who put me through shit
You know, I was going to fucking
What's that shit town? Remember? What's the road? I used to always goof on?
The 101 no
170 oh yeah, you go up the sermon up to 170 end up somewhere in some way
No, not Sherman way a different town like an hour away. Okay, you know many times I used to drive up there for 20 bucks
Oh
Shit on a Sunday night
When I first moved to LA a to get a spot before Mitchie made me a host
a to do a spot and B for $20, because there was some,
another place on the way home that you stopped
and they gave you $25.
That place where I went on, Sunday nights, for the $20,
Lee, I swear to God, it was the only thing to do.
I forget where the fuck it was.
It wasn't far from LA.
They would pack them in on Sunday nights. That was the only thing to do it was leave that and look for Martians
I don't know what they did up there. I forget the name of the town if you remind me I'll tell you
Okay, and the guy would give you 20 bucks with a straight face and you're about pay for your own dinner
You know, I remember all those things Lee and those are the things
That 25 years from
now, let me ask you a question.
And I know I'm going to get fucking rail for this.
I'll name 10 people to you.
Okay.
That get a check every year for them being them.
They don't even have to leave the house.
My name is Margaret show gets a deal every year She's Korean
They love Margaret show so much. I don't say well
Let's get a Korean actress on hold give it to one and fifty thousand dollars and hold it for the year
You know every year the networks have a write-off
Which means you know what Paul Lee I add in here we'll do a
Jewish musical and we'll see how it go whatever and that's when you're 50
they'll call you and they know you're not gonna write a Jewish musical but
it's gonna make you 50 large you can pay for your insurance You follow me so
Hollywood always takes get Sarah Silverman
She's on TV doing a fucking pet show now
Yeah, I don't think she wanted to do that, but they called this and we think there's a good idea
We're gonna give you this type of money. You got to come down and play with pets for an hour
You're not gonna take that money. Oh, Sarah Silverman's a sellout bitch. She's been doing it for 30 fucking years
At this point. Yeah, because you put that work in
People will call you with the easiest shit and you'll go
What?
And you go, oh
That's for that time and all these things will come to you
You feel bad about it?
Huh? Like you felt bad about I don't know why you feel bad about it
I said everyone's goal at first. Well, it wasn't my goal, you know, I'm Spanish. I like to work like the more lawns
like eight houses and drink the bomba juice, but
It was just it bothered me the first two or three months
Wow, I'm surprised to hear that and then to settle I had to go
30 fucking years
You know ten of those
were real
You know living in a car
Living with a stripper in Seattle fucking living in a basement in Boulder
You know shoplifting tents and bringing them back. I mean those ten years are real, but I was thinking about something like I left
Boulder, Colorado June
30th of
1995
And
Before the 10th anniversary, I released the longest yard.
Okay.
So it took me 10 years from the time I left Boulder.
I already had five years under my belt, four years of comedy.
And before that, I had Spider-Man and taxi and analyze that.
But for me, it took 10 years to get something that I really wanted.
And it was the longest shot. It was 14 years in.
I was at the right place at the right time.
I didn't get it because I was better than anybody.
I got it because I made myself funnier for the role, you know, and I got it.
Not because I was better.
I was at the right place at the right fucking time.
It was every other movie I'd gotten,
I got killed in the beginning, or it was always some drama.
And this was the first time I was
going to be in a whole movie.
Right.
10 years, just to let comics know.
From the time I said, fuck Boston, fuck New York,
fuck this, wherever you're living fuck, Oklahoma
It took me another five years of struggling and you know
LA was not no picnic the first three years sleeping on Ralphie's couches and
Doing coke and it wasn't it wasn't an easy
journey and
Didn't you not get booked for the whole time on the longest yard?
Like you got booked for like a short time and they liked you and kept you on for longer
Yeah, the contract was like a four-week contract
And then after the go get him a diet coke
That was it
Yeah, do it like that's why I can't imagine you feeling bad forever
So like I would imagine you felt pretty bad when he saw people who weren't as funny as you
getting opportunities
Well
Every young comic is gonna see that right?
That should that should make you
20% angry and
Give you 80% ambition to say to you if he did it I
Could do it and if he did it, I shouldn't be mad at him. He opened up the door for me
Now you know what I want to do. I
Try not to be I guess for me the word would be jealous
I'm more jealous than angry my angry at anyone for being successful
But when I see people that I feel like maybe I'm better than her as good as doing other stuff
I wish that was me
That's when you have to just focus on your journey and go fuck it. I gotta get as funny as him
And you just you don't wish him any harm no, you don't want him to fall off a train and then but
You go. I'm gonna be as funny as him
in a year
Mm-hmm. He could do that. I could do that. You know, it's like when you start with a guy
There's always that guy that you started two weeks before
Well, he started three weeks after you in boston
and after about three months you become friends and
You're doing the same things, but he got
into Laugh Boston, you got into city winery, you know, and all of a sudden you're like,
what am I doing wrong?
And then he gets you in over at Laugh Boston.
Now it's worse.
You're MCing and he's a feature, you know?
Right. And you know what? It should mess with you a tiny bit. Maybe let you know, you didn't work hard enough
Maybe you weren't at the right place at the right time
You know, maybe you rub the owner of the last Boston wrong, you know, there's a thousand things that'll be on your control
You were at a club one night open mic and the manager from left Boston came in and you had three beers in you you went up to one more gonna get
booked to left was number funny Jew. Okay check please. This thousand variables
but at the end you look at that person you go God bless him and then you go on
your mission and that's when you put the fireman hat on. Like
we discussed. It's a fireman hat. Things are going to hit you and that's what cut that
way so it rolls off. And you're moving head first. Like you always want to keep your chin
up but at this point of your life you're working like this and you're damaging your third eye because you know
You got a steamroll past the bullshit and there's gonna be a lot of it. Some of it is self-inflicted
Some of it is you bring it on yourself and some of it is nature
Not everybody's gonna like you Lee
Right. You look at those people. You know what?
Everybody's gonna like you Lee
Right. You look at those people. You know what?
Don't go I'll be back in three years when I'm headlining
Fuck you. You don't know what? Thank you for your time
Right and just go someday. You're gonna call me for a gig. I
Hope so I was very humbly very humble
Like, you know
And you're gonna go okay, and if you're an ass, are you gonna go fuck you?
But you're gonna go okay. I get it now and you go down there. You give a big hug
he cracks a joke you crack a joke and
You both know why you're there
You're selling tickets. There's no reason to bring it up or
You both know why you there he needs you to sell alcohol
And you need him to sell the fucking tickets
Or he needs you to sell tickets and he needs to sell alcohol
And once you realize that you that's a very tough swallow for comics
Yeah, one that we'll get to in a few months
Okay, that's a very tough swallow for comics
There's a lot of tough swallows for comics, but you gotta
You know listen. I've always said when you're a comic you're a hooker. You know difference in the beginning You're just trying to get the best best deal. It's yeah, it's our instinct
It's not nothing that you're wrong with you or my mother didn't raise me right. She burned me with cigarettes. No
you just fucking
And
People it takes some people some time to get it
But once those motherfuckers get it, you're gonna have a problem
Right and because it's very hard I like it's very like but it's I
Don't know I like it's hard I can't I can see where people would drop off
I've only been doing it in my six year
And like to keep pushing past but people not responding to your calls or things like that
It's like oh my god, very tough. And that's why sometimes you got to get out there
Like because you don't know who's gonna be at that open mic playing big shot. I'm the assistant to the assistant manager
I'm club Roy. I speak to the booker every day
Right. I had people come up to me with the wildest fucking stories
While the stories
About their father knew this guy and he'd make a call for me and it was absurd and you know what some people did
I just wasn't ready
Really? You won't what happened? Well, you don't come we've been doing comedy shows that
New York Comedy Club and you know this player, you know this guy that no not really I heard of him
He's fucking great that guy. Okay, are you getting paid for your gigs? No, but I'm fucking funny man. I'm telling you
Okay
We'll call you right you know it's it's
We just we're knuckleheads
We're knuckleheads. There's nothing wrong with that. At least we know that going in
But know that in time you'll get it. You know, I was talking about my wife before
Mm-hmm in 2003 my wife got sick and tired of me coming home with no cash
Every weekend I got mugged by a Colombian I got hit in the head I and three, my wife got sick and tired of me coming home with no cash.
Every weekend, I got mugged by a Colombian. I got hit in the head.
I slept over, so I had to pay for a new plane ticket.
And some of the stories were true.
I used to buy those plane tickets on those services.
OK, and that's the tough education when you're a comic.
You try to save 10 bucks.
Now, the club wants you to stay an extra night
When you go to add that plane ticket, they want 800 hours
Fuck now you're stuck there for a week because if you give up that ticket
Or you got to tell this guy no, he wanted you to stay
You can't do that my plane ticket. Okay next time they ain't gonna be no next time kid I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, what do you mean? It sounds like you shoot yourself?
That was no shit. I thought that was the first that's why I had a bend over to stop it the clamp on it
Just in case I but tip-top Magoo. Thank God. I
Think about my life from June
13 July 13th of 80
Whenever the fuck I got on stage
91 to
Fucking 2003 and I wouldn't trade it for anything like
That was an education That I can't even write in a book. I can't
describe it to you. I don't even know half of it, but I do know this. And I was telling
you this when we were doing the church and how I had that man, Dion, I did some in the
main room that I remember I learned on one of those Tribble Rooms.
Right.
Like there was a lot of times I'd be in a theater
in Milwaukee or New York and something would happen
and I would roll with it and I'd go,
wow, that's something that I learned 24 years ago ago And you would remember the show where you learned it not to show but I remember where I learned that
That pause or the way you look at the audience or
Just something a special way that you did something and you go all shit
You know it starts coming back to you and you see the importance
Of those years, right?
You see the importance of those years
You know when you look at a great jujitsu guy like Roger Gracie
Mm-hmm. He'll tell you I do everything with basics
Roger Gracie doesn't do anything
Even if you know roger grace, he's gonna mount you and choke you
You're not gonna stop him
It'll take him 35 minutes
But he's gonna fucking do it
He's gonna stay on that move and commit to it
I don't know what my point was the edibles are kicking in But how do I guess the last question I have is like Howard
If you're not like really like what was that
You just broke something not coughed you what I coughed I think I got
Now I can smell the edible birth for me. How many milligrams you take tonight 10? I'll do 100 again
No, you didn't yes? I'll do 100 again
No, you didn't. Yes, I did. You took those pharmacy hundreds. You didn't take one of my killer doses
When you take those you gotta take too late
They're giving you
Yeah, I can't take 200. Why not? What's the problem? There's a lot of time. I took 200 I passed out
Well, these aren't even the hundreds
Because a lot of time I took 200 I passed out well, these aren't even the hundreds
Why am I doubling it because because you only took like 40 in real life these are did not take 40 I
Can tell me any no you can't I can dog
You yeah, look at your eyes what what I mean What I can tell by your characteristics?
What then I'm conscious or whatever?
No, I could just tell you know you're only eating 60 in there. Maybe 68
No, you gotta double up on those to make it 140. You gotta start training. You're coming to New York next week
You don't know what I'm gonna show up
So one of those nights you're gonna have a hard time making at home cuz I'm sticking ABX's and every time
Your goddamn body plus mushrooms. Plus I'm gonna make you one of those falafel dogs with the sad bread umbrella
And you're gonna get back to your room You're gonna be eating mushrooms on the edible and then you're gonna shit blood and you're gonna find out what life really is
That's what life is about when you're the comedian when you wake up and you shit blood and you're like, man
How often are you shitting blood? I don't think that's comedy. I don't think comedy makes you shit blood on a regular basis
it should because your nerves are shattered, but
Like I was doing comedy about ten years now about eight years and I started going out of Miami improv
And they used to have one of those frozen drink places
Okay, I forget what it was called fucking deliciously right across from it And dad like everything was like 90 proof, but that a drink that was beet red, right?
Tasted like gasoline and turpentine with a little smoothie in it like a little bit of like a slushie
Right. It was a hundred and forty fucking proof. Jesus Christ
So as soon as I got off the stage as a feature act, I would run across and get like a white cream one and a 140 when I cross it across the street to the condo
I put in the refrigerator and I cut up my coke get it ready for the night
put a package aside for the victim that was coming over later and
Then I would go back on the prowl, right?
You just got off stage and you run across to the condo to cut your coat off
I would go back on the problem
I would pick up the package before I got on stage the Colombian would come to the bar at the Miami Improv. This is 98 I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know how we got here
The guy would come to the bar. He was the motherfucker in the world he'd ask me do you need some
he called the club right i'd be waiting it'd be like 7 45
joey it's for you hi how you doing hey this is the columbian you need anything
yeah he would come to the bar i wasn't even
on stage yet i didn't have a dime in my pocket i would
have to go to the club manager go dog
Come on. I need a yardstick real quick. Well, they'll take out of my pay and he's
Come on dog. Give me the yardstick. In fact, give me 120
Because I need to get Chinese food tomorrow and I gotta get clothes. I wasn't getting no clothes. I
Go to the bar and the column I put my hundred miles on the bar all over a drink. He would give me change and
Then the Columbia would take the coke put in a nap and throw it on the floor
And I would step on it
And then he'd walk out I wouldn't touch it and have a little drink to get me started I go up on stage rip it
Get off the stage the coke would be in my pocket burning a hole in that motherfucker. I don't want I run right across the street to the condo put one away cut up the package
Save some for later and then I go back out and for every drink I got at the improv I got one more of those fucking red drinks over there. Oh
Much of pills and fucking drink and do blow. I didn't know what I was doing
Once you leave the improv I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store and I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store
I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store and I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store and I'm gonna go to those fucking red drinks over there. Oh, no. So I'd get a bunch of pills and fucking drink and do blow.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Once you leave the improv, you go to the dolphin ball.
And people would just give you shit in there.
So I didn't know what I was doing.
So I'd wake up in the morning and my sink and my toilet
would be filled with what I thought was blood.
And I would go fuck it, you know
Say la via I'm living like Lenny Bruce
Fuck it. This is it. You know, you're actually shooting blood. What else would I be doing having this type of fun?
Like at that time I was having a lot of fun as a feature act. I never even thought about headlining
I didn't want a headline my life was such a party as a fucking feature act. I'm doing 25 minutes. I'm killing
I'm at the store getting ready to kill these people and now I'm getting to these clubs. I'm getting 500 bucks
No playing ticket, but I was getting a plane ticket because they gave me that credit card one time. So I was just getting
fucking card oh but
anyway you earned it my point from Miami for the longest time right I would puke
in the middle of night right and I'm smoking a toilet and then the toilet
would sink and all that was left was red stuff and I go. Oh Well
It was a good week in Miami
Yeah, but then you're talking about like shitting blood
Wow, then you're talking about like shitting blood what makes you do that I
Didn't know I would puke and then I flushed. Oh, yeah, and what was living around was that red stuff?
So I was almost took a shit in the middle of night and shit blood and this is what dog at that point
I didn't care was missing a tooth in the back that used to squirt at people
You know people like you gotta fix that you're gonna die. I don't do an abscess
He is I'm saying every time we get so all I put a coke rocket and pop that motherfucker the needle in the middle of
night It was insane Every time we get swallowing I put a coke rocket and pop that motherfucker the needle in the middle of night
It was insane
How often would you spray it someone how often would develop enough to they can spray it whenever I wanted to go away You know saying it was like that Rose people having their jacket and they take smell the rose then they hit you
Next time I'm on Rogan here
I'll remind them when we'd be sitting in a circle in the back of the comedy
store, this had to be 99, 98.
And this would swell up right here.
And it would shoot this way, because I ripped the tooth out.
Ooh, fuck.
Fuck, I used to be, I would go home,
get a bottle of Jack and Boulder and a wrench.
And I would just work it all night
until it came out and shit.
So when I broke it, there was still a little piece left and then it got infected
Yeah, so it would swell up. So finally had the balls to put a needle in there and squeeze and it was terrible
After that, it was fill up once a month and I would just go and it would just go
I would make a noise to Joe Rogan like I look and he'd go. Oh my god, and I'd stick my thing and I go
It would hit him right the jacket I Don't even know about it
Two days later they go Jesus Christ a pigeon shit my jacket. Oh, I
Can't believe you could hit people with it. That's some good accuracy
Dog, please you have no idea
Listen, I gotta take two steps to the rear and get out of here
This edible sent me hard to that because I ate the dark chocolate. Oh, yeah Dog please you have no idea Listen, I gotta take two steps to the rear and get out of here
This edible sent me hard tonight because I ate the dark chocolate. Oh, yeah
You know, that's a 2,500 milligram bar. I didn't eat the whole thing tonight
But I hate like six ABX's I
Got nowhere to go dog tomorrow
I would hope not like you were like that tea you're talking about drinking was worse than what they gave Michael Jackson
Like you just talked about this shit like it's normal
Few more cuz I'm waking up tomorrow with two black eyes like I saw the fucking
They're gonna wake up tomorrow my god, yeah
Yeah, no, I don't want no fuck look at you. You like a gay Batman
You're like a gay Robin and shit. Yeah
And that's works as a double after they after you bang him in the ass you go whip him with that
All right, I gotta go and now for a word for my sponsors see I'm saying
Have a good week. Lee. Love you. See you next week. Love you, buddy