Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Michael Jackson tea

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

Joey Diaz goes off about the eclipse, gives his recipe for Michael Jackson tea, talks about squirting people, what happened to his body when he took ZYN and much more!  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's going on gentlemen, how was your weekend? How are you sir, you know Softball is back in full effect and the edibles are still working. That's all I got Very nice to go out there Get some sun You know can't smoke no dope people throw you under the bus Smoked dope in front of kids anyway, but I took about fucking 1500 milligrams about 10 in the morning But I might got there. Wow

We got to go down to where the sopranos killed whatever la serba Okay pine barons in the hey, yeah la serba. You know, it's so crazy like you see jersey There's a complete different part of jersey that is fucking everybody had horses in their front yard, you know, I got a little scared you got to bring the rifle to the front seat, but A lot of trumpers, you know And uh, but it's fucking beautiful down there really was nice to get out of here And that's it. That's how it was my weekend. I smoked some dope

I took some make it home Like I usually do fucking get in the car and pray It's time to play bumper cars Jesus Christ Now by the time I was driving home, I was a lot better, but I thought asleep at 10 15 last night I was stoned all fucking day an edible in the morning I was sleeping 10 15 last night. I was stoned all fucking day and edible in the morning Fucking keeps the doctor away. Did that get did it keep you going the whole day or did you have to take more? No, I inhaled a couple more when I got home

Did something and then I Was fucking tired. I'm like I gotta get the bed jack We woke up like at seven for this shit. You gotta be down there at nine. That's an hour 10 drive. This is people have no idea about my weekends. Like, how are you? I didn't see you Saturday night, bitch.

Is that to be up at fucking 630? Damn. What do you think about it? Do you like going? I really do. You know, when you're a young guy guy you see somebody watching women's sports you like this fucking guy He's definitely gonna fall out of a tree with a bag. I'm in the fucking long rain jacket And then my father-in-law would always watch girls off and I'm like this this ain't right, you know, like this just

I'm not even gonna watch this shit, you know, I feel like a fuck and I gotta wear a cape when I was And then you know, my daughter started playing and you watch the game you see the girls get stronger And you're like fuck man. These girls like yesterday. I was blown away I'm good. They've gotten since They've started like I know of these fucking girls, you know. They got big, you know, they're hitting now. Three years ago, they walked around all shy. Now they're hitting the fucking ball.

It's pretty impressive to see. That's it. I don't care whether she's a star. I don't give a fuck because I know there's an education. Getting to meet different people and fucking jump up and down with different girls That's an education for kids the same way it was for us What are you doing them when they lose? Is that like does you know that well? Nothing. I don't do I don't say nothing. I'm not one of those fucking pistol Pete type dads

This is no and fun This is for kids to get to know each other get to learn social skills Get to learn what it feels like to win what it feels like to strike out What it feels like to get hit by the fucking ball in the back, you know so it's an education in itself and I remember being like I Talk talk to people a lot, you know, my friends I grew up with, and people get confused. Like I knew these bunch of people when I was in the seventh grade, and they're like, how did you grow up with them? And I go, because CYO basketball, we would all play our games. And then we get in the fucking you know feet and

We walk and go get pizza. We'd walk into a pizza parlor with 20 guys You know ten girls and ten boys that had nothing bad on their minds. There was no sex. There was no Kissing it was just young kids acting like fucking idiots And I Didn't hate it, but I was always bad like it like you mercy's really good the last time I saw her She was making a bunch of hits. Listen Shane Hank Aaron But she loves it and Like I said, you know, listen what these parents don't know is your kid is great at softball when they're 10 or 11 And by the time they're 18 you're playing

the piano oh yeah and you had all these big dreams about going to oklahom I don't have no big dreams she's got to have the big dreams you know it is kind of weird have you seen there's a little kid like a little gronk or something like there's people who like a burning though like their fifth graders like to be like the next big like NFL star like Listen man, when you see what's going on today the laziness of kids on apps and fucking phones and You know, it's 70 degrees today. I'm walking around ain't a fucking kid out there. Oh You know, it's 70 degrees today. I'm walking around ain't a fucking kid out there. All right, that's good

It's it's brutal. It's brutal for fucking kids So, you know, this is the first time I go to the gym and that last week When kids were off there was ten kids in there getting trained by a trainer Not like in there knowing what they were doing. These kids couldn't hit the mitts They couldn't do dick And I'm saying one of the kids was a black belt in taekwondo and the kid was and I'm watching this kid throw punches And I'm like this kids in no danger New York City, he's getting beat up by the You know saying

Have you ever been beat up by the falafel guy Now when I was growing up up by the falafel guy Now when I was growing up there was no falafels it was straight-up hot dog with mustard ketchup or fucking Sauerkraut that was good as a guy. I didn't even go for like the meat over rice Like remember this shit was allowed when I was growing up. There was no people yelling on the street Remember that night we're going to Sony Hall this guy yelling flounder fact Andages flounder sandwich. I mean who would go in there for a fucking flounder sandwich on 42nd Street They just caught that flounder and fucking on the Hudson River and even a flounder. It's whatever You know

fucking Egyptians These Hamas they don't know how to fish don't take it out. That's a tuna. All right, it's a next thing You know, it's a fucking shark. It's a jellyfish. They're all sitting there with swollen lips. Oh, no Yeah, I Would need half that stuff that that stuff was it was hot dogs That's it. No, like you know Walk 20 blocks that the city, you know hot dog guys are probably making 100 grand a year because People had a walk to get to them now, you know, you're in competition

It's like having a Subway sandwich. I got a duke it out now with Subway Carolina's sandwiches hot and spite You know, it's not just some and they all suck Isn't it so like they like they have fake? Sobrette umbrellas like when you go when it says separate is probably actually not several you get those for $10 at a flea market Here all you eat some kids fail You know No, I don't trust none of those motherfuckers no more I got a place right here in O bridge Nikki's dogs

Whoo the chili with the potato sticks. Oh Whoo a couple potatoes that motherfucker what Well again, huh? Yeah, she's not there every day though. She's there like Thursday through Sunday So if I go to jujitsu Friday, and I've had a good week. I'll stop in there and get a fucking hot dog, you know It's good for the soul man, but not one of those New York City hot dogs, but there used to be a guy that sat outside Port Authority

Okay, some Times Square. This is 30 years ago. I would eat his fucking steak on a stick all the time. That was real. You know what? The arrow, he was like Spanish with a turban on just so they would let him get the license. You know what I'm saying?

He was like Dominican with a beard and a turban. He's over there. I didn't know they had to do that. What do you mean? I didn't know Spanish had to do that. What do you mean? I didn't know Spanish people had to pretend to be Indian to get the license. What do you do to get ahead? You gotta feed your family, you know what I'm saying?

So if it means putting on a turban and a beard and you know, nodding. Fucking, what's the word they say? Hello, what the other one? I don't know. I don't like they say hello, that's like saying kosher. No, no, what's the other word they say? Hello That's like saying kosher no, what's the other word they say, you know, no Abdullah Where would the God they go to oh Don't think we know I don't think we should say that one. I watched Kingdom last night

so like for a little while the one when they go over there and Jamie whatever and fucking the chick James Gardner Okay, and then they go over there and you know, I'll I whatever Boy Allah The guys missing fingers from making bombs part-time and shit Let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning cocktuckers I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom

I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom Listen, the struggle is real but the solution is chilly. You understand me hot today tamales tomorrow Whatever that is upgrade your game to the freeze pipe the coldest glass pieces that eliminate the pain of throat burning and coughing attacks Their secret is the freezable chamber. What you do is you put the chamber in the freezer for an hour You take it out when you're ready to see the devil forget about it. It cools it down by 300 degrees That's 80% colder than using ice cubes to chill smoke. They broke my idea, but I'm no scientist I love the freeze pipe the bubbler the big bar I mean listen if you're ready to see the devil if you're professional the freeze pipe is in let me tell you what the best

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dot-com code Diaz Have a great day Turn off your TVs run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking What's the story there mongo how is your eclipse hey listen leave me alone, please What you know I brought one for you good good take him and sell him back to the guy who sold those to you You know what one no no I don't want no fucking it could work the eclipse is over I was out there with no no shields at all

That's looking around nothing happened Maybe tomorrow wake up. He'd be one dude glad. I don't know what happened left It was fucking bright here Yeah, it was bright here too for a little while and then you know, even the cat was like I'm not sitting out here Fuck it people went on vacation for it. Can you believe that? Oh, yeah Monday Tuesday through Wednesday the busiest days at the airport this week high travel people You know, what's funny? I'm sitting there going what if it's a joke and the fucking rush is just bomb that whole line And you sit there going I should stay home my my business. You know I'm saying

Like whatever I see a big glomeration like that. Oh I ain't going not even that there's nothing up before I was watching world news tonight. Ah We got together to watch it leave me alone, all right What country all those migrants they're fucking out people? Mexicans they're fucking doing laundry and cutting grass, you know black people are working Well, it's a bunch of white people out there with glasses like oh god. This is beautiful with Birkenstocks. Yeah, I Hope they had Mando on because those people those eclipse people get stinky as fuck. Oh I used that Mando last week. Whatever you have they're fucking gone that Mando. I stopped itching

We whatever you have they're fucking gone that mando. I stopped itching every night I get like dry skin from itching, right? I'm set to put the mando on because she would keep it would keep the moisture away Dog, I go to fucking the blue light therapy. I rub that on me. I don't sweat a bead. You know I'm saying I'm in there fucking How much are you putting on I I put a stick on every time I go Weed when I come out of this like it's all over I'm pissing all over myself by the way guys I'm very sorry about the podcast last week. I had a pee like nine times I mean, it's scary and what it was is those zimps Really I could eat one of those things maybe two

But if I'm walking around like some fucking guy on and a you know, you know brokeback Mountain chewing that shit all day Oh my god. I got up to pee two nights in a row. It was like a 20-minute pee. It would just go to the It was like a 20-minute pee it would just go to the To the I'm like I'm going back to bed now. I'm gonna be better get back then stand like a fucking statue It's a goddamn nightmare. I threw those things out because I bought like a blue one like some type of mint Whatever and I bought some Some whatever and it was okay, but I'll tell you what, Lucy, whatever,

tastes a lot better than that. But I think it swells up my fucking prostate or something. It was not when I had to take the fucking root again. And now I'm pissing normal again. Thank God. That day, like the one day I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go to the bathroom and I'm gonna go No Just whatever they put in there. There's a bunch of stuff. I can't take There's a bunch of stuff even if it's like vitamins sometimes I buy vitamins over 50 next thing You know, I'm up all night pissing. I'm like I gotta throw this out 60 bucks. They told me I will live till I'm 90

Yeah, I live because I'm gonna piss myself the debt to you. That's how I'm gonna fucking die But anyway, it don't matter. How was your week last week? That's what's important to me My week was good But it was the first week in a while where I didn't have any shows and then the weather didn't help out cuz that's what Killed me last week. Oh really? Oh, it was fucking you know, you got 22 inches of snow up there. Yeah I love I left my early. Yeah, you know we got rain Wednesday night That I just want you know, I go for my little seven o'clock ride my little 730 ride Just to keep everybody fucking tight

And I was a friend of mine called I pulled over to talk to him Lee Lee what I saw like I could see the wind shifting the rain and the fucking trees shaking and then my truck started shaking I'm like you know what I ain't going out tonight really was that bad yeah it was bad Wednesday and then Thursday rain and then I was like I'm done I had planned for Friday, but they got squashed. My daughter had a softball scrimmage and Then that's it. So hopefully I'll go out tomorrow night Wednesday night You know, I got little plans and that's it. I got a stick to them. I gotta get ready, you know, I'm in training and shit

Oh, yeah, speaking speaking of that Did you feel the earthquake this weekend? Yeah Nothing. No, I lived in LA for 23 years. That was bingo time people running While Prius is taking off everybody was scared all the electric cars and shit That's what everyone said everyone said they were freaking out and it looked like it looked it wasn't a tiny one But it was like a four It's funny cuz I was in the gym Okay And I was with my buddy training

And as it went down Nobody knew what had happened And I told him the story about when I moved here Lee You know, I got here August 19th, but I didn't move into my house till September 2nd. Right. My daughter started school September 4th. It was like we moved in and we were off and running.

I was going through hell at the time. I was living hell. I brought boxes of edibles with me. Mm-hmm And I just could not The anxiety was killing me from the fucking withdrawn on his annex and shit And my head was just fucked up. I just we went through eight years on that corner eating fucking 2,000 milligrams a day Plus I was moving. It was a big challenge, you know I just, we went through eight years on that corner, eating fucking 2000 milligrams a day. Plus I was moving. It was a big challenge, you know?

So after the first week I'm here, I realized that my daughter's going to school and I'm going to bed two hours before her. Before she's leaving. Like I was on California time. I wasn't going to bed till 1.30 in California. So I get here, I'm staying up till five, 5.30 and I'm enjoying it.

Like I'm up at night, there's COVID, and I'm popping these fucking hash pills. All right. And I'm going off. By that time I had the Michael Jackson tea brewing. I had the three packs of THC tea and I would put a thousand milligrams and fucking tar in it, syringe.

And then I would put, you know, 1400 milligrams of ABX in there. It was Michael Jackson tea. Yeah. By the time I got finished with it wasn't even tea It was like a fucking silk of oil on the top It was just amazing and I would drink it and I would get fucked up But I know what my reaction would be every night. I

Didn't know if I was gonna pass out I didn't know if I was gonna pass out. I didn't know if I was gonna eat half the kitchen Some nights whatever was in that fucking junk would make me stay up and do fucking somersault down here And I'm watching TV and I'm smoking dope outside and I'm like, you know And then one night we moved in on the fourth and a second Okay, it's still all died on the fifth Second, okay. It's still all died on the fifth Thing okay, so we moved here like on a Saturday Me and my sister-in-law got off the phone on Tuesday And by the time I went to the stress factory and pulled into the garage to do a set with Tim Dillon My sister my other sister called me and she goes did you hear the news? I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm gonna blast it out of my fucking mind

I'm starving. Let me go upstairs to the kitchen. See if there's any salami and cheese Whatever. I was eating those days and I walk upstairs Lee and One minute I'm eating and the next minute Lee the kitchen looked like a bomb dropped Right. There was cheese puffs and fucking white bread and fucking salami on the floor And I had opened up like a fucking iced tea and it would leak and in the middle of all this I'm sitting in the fucking kitchen Lee you just won't believe this. It's four o'clock in the morning. I'm sitting in the kitchen I'm looking at the light in the living room. Okay. A chandelier. It's just like a little light that hangs.

Right. For some reason, God made me look at that light. And the next thing you know, I heard a fucking rumble Lee, like the house was shaking and shit. And I'm like, this has to be a bad dream. I'm gonna tell you the truth. I'm telling you the story for the first time the truth I'm looking at that chandelier shaking and I'm feeling the cabinets are shaking and the plates and shit

Okay, and once it stopped I Just sat there looked around I'm like I'm gonna deal with that. I'm gonna finish the salami sandwich I'm going to bed like nothing that. I'm gonna finish the salami sandwich I'm going to bed like nothing happened. I'm gonna make believe That did not happen because that was earthquake and there ain't no fucking way on earth But I just lived in California for 23 years. I'm here for two weeks and there's an earthquake This is just a bad dream And there's an earthquake. This is just a bad dream

This is the edibles this did not happen and I went to fucking bed and when I got up that morning there was a fucking earthquake and freehold Right where Ken, uh, you know the Chinese guy is right It was right down there Lee, you know, I woke up the next morning like what the fuck that I do What do you mean you thought like it was like you're falling I was God telling me I made a mistake or I Brought an earthquake with me from Cal. I mean I woke up the next day and that was all on Twitter You brought a fucking earthquake with you your fuck Holy shit crazy. You think you would blame yourself for them. I didn't blame myself. I just thought I had the Maluk on me I thought you know

And this was my sign that this is not gonna be any bueno and shit Oh, and then and then how does that relate to the one that just happened? I was telling the story and then the woman that his ex-wife is Also a trainer in the gym. She came out of a different room and she goes, did you feel that earthquake? Well, that was an earthquake and I told him the story of what happened to me. He was dying of laughter.

Talk, it was so surreal. It was like the night we were in the office right before we left, and that car came by and yelled our names. Oh yeah. We both looked at each other looked at each other like it's time to go Yes been there for eight years And all of a sudden the pandemic and nobody's allowed in the street and somebody actually came to the gate and Was yelling for us to come out to get high or whatever the fuck they were saying And I'm like, it's time to go. So when I got here and I got that earthquake, I'm like, ah

That's a signal Jack. We better pack our bags up And go back to Cali like fucking hello. Cool. J. Jesus. Did you look at it or it was just like a momentary panic? It was a what like did you actually look at moving back or was just like a panic for no? No, I didn't fucking look at moving back. I was like, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it That first week It was just like one thing after the other I wasn't sure I had made the right move You know, she was one of the assistant laws. She looked three hours from me But I fucking love with a debt. She was there when I started comedy She did everything for me when I when I came back in 93 And over the years she would come to my shows and you know She made fucking best chicken cutlets you ever had. She had like three dishes that were fucking unreal. So I was waiting to come

back here to hang with her and I would go down there on the weekends with her and my brother. I fucking loved it. So that news was brutal. And then three days later, two days that I drive three and a half hours to the fucking wake in Covid and I'm petrified I got a pee and I gotta walk into these gas stations and I'm like what the fuck And then I walk into a funeral ball and they're everywhere And people got masks on and I'm like this is not happening. I'm gonna die And I remember staying there for an hour and getting back in the car and it was another three and a half hour drive And I had to keep stopping because I was nervous had anxiety from the fucking

Covet that I was gonna get it in the gas station. It was brutal And you don't you don't really drive for anybody I'm almost surprised you went I had to go to this one this one. I had to do this one was There was no getting out of my way out of that one, you know, so I'm happy I went I made his world. I made my world by going It gave me peace and I'm still in that piece with her death. Obviously. I'm still talking about I took one of the flowers I took one of the flowers from on top of a casket and I still got it I mean I was tight with the Lee really tight with it She had been married to my brother since I was 23

20 23 24 Wow They stayed married that entire time and she was she looked at you would come to shows every time you were in town Every time I came to town Jersey, Philadelphia Atlantic City, New York City. I gave her a fucking edible Hit New York when they shot the window all that Right. They were that man. So, you know, it kind of was fucked up at first it happened when I was in a parking garage

You know, that's when they were doing comedy in a tent Jesus it was just like a fucking it was like something out of a twilight zone. I'm like this is not Fucking happening But we live and we learn, we get stronger, we become savages, and we keep slinging dick cocksucker. What do you got this week? You got any comedy? What do you got?

Oh yeah, this week I'm doing a big one with Josh Wolf at the Gramercy Theater on April 13th. Oh? Yeah, it's going to be great. I'm so excited to do all these, like I've gotten to do Sonny Hall with you, and now I'm doing like another really awesome theater in New York, it's like it's in New York to me is like the Mecca for comedy and so just to be able to do anytime in New York is awesome

Crazy is a young comic What cities you hold? Yeah, there's a list that you won't tell nobody Hold yeah, there's a list that you won't tell nobody Want to perform, you know, mm-hmm, but you don't want people to laugh you'll never get into the punchline, right? No you'll never get to the spellbinders because you You Jewish, you know, whatever right?

They always uh She don't say nothing. You just take the weeks as they go First place I really wanted to go to lee And I got my wish was detroit really What about what was it about detroit a buddy of mine Was from Detroit and I really really like He was one of my saviors in Colorado from

87 to about 95 He was tight with me. He always got me great jobs. He sold me cars at cost, you know and I just like them and I Always liked the idea of it was the capital of murder and whatever the murder capital for a long time And we're really having was a friend of mine Asked me to go to the Bahamas with him to do a cruise right? Oh shit, okay And really good guy. He just reached out to me two days ago to check in This is 1995

Me and him february of 95 which i'm supposed to meet him in Florida somewhere to get on this ship And you go you do We weren't doing all this we were doing in the Bahamas Like a resort at the Bahamas, right? I was really nervous because he called me and said you had to be spotless To the few slipped They would come take you off the stage and by the time you got to the end of the stage your room was packed and they had a helicopter for you to drive to take you to the mainland and some parts were pressed charges on you

You know, this is 1995 I'm a little sweating it and about Bro a week before the gig He calls me from the hospital in Florida His fucking something is gallbladder blew up something and he had a cancel that week Right, and I'm like damn but again, I knew I was gonna get taken off that island. There was no way I was definitely gonna get pulled off that island. I didn't know if it was the first night or the third night So when he got back he felt really guilty and he goes you have a resume my

resume and I had a cop his resume because I used it I would always open up for him so people would say send the resume and I would have one of his and whatever plus I would look at his resume and fucking dream. He was the HBO comic of the year in 1985 You know had a couple specials shit and He goes pick a club And I saw this club in Detroit, Michigan. I go that one And he goes I'll call you back and he called me back and he goes call the guy. He's waiting for you to call

Joey's Comedy Club. And were you headlining or featuring? I was featuring in Dearborn, Michigan. Jesus. And I drove and the weekend changed my life. I learned how to feature really well. I got three more weeks off it to me and I met a girl that I ended up staying with until 1999 or something.

It was the weirdest weekend ever. Yeah, that's a pretty good weekend. Yeah, I drove back and then she came to Boulder and hung out with me for a few weeks. Then she went back to Michigan to to get her stuff then she came back To boulder we went camping and then she went to seattle and I met her like two weeks later Damn all because of this one weekend. Yeah All because of detroit And you just kind of picked it at random

Yeah What you know listen? And you just kind of picked it at random Yeah What you know listen, I? Always wanted to go to New York, but that what was I got to prove in New York? I already knew the rules in 94 and 95, you know people would tell me if you go to New York and I gotta get a dime Mm-hmm. We said is free. So you got cover yourself and get rides and then I'm like, and then I really wanted to do Vegas But there was something about the insignia of the Seattle Comedy Club at the time the underground Mm-hmm. That just seemed cool to me to name the underground seemed cool The insignia now that I ever think I'd end up in Seattle now

But that's the way it went You know, that's just the way life was going at that time. There was no plan It was you know Kumbaya one minute you're in idaho the next minute you're doing a one-man show, you know Not a one-man show, but you're doing a show in wyoming The next thing you know i'm in michigan But then like when did the switch change because you and I were talking today and you have a plan For everything now

I've always had a plan. This is your fucking career You know, you're not gonna get nowhere running like rampant, okay You're not gonna get nowhere running rampant it's great to be that in the beginning Until you really find out what's going on and how the system works and you don't even know how it works at that point You're still going on the funny gauge You know nothing about selling tickets and you don't want to know You barely got a head shot Yeah You don't get a head you barely got a headshot Yeah

You don't get a headshot to 10 people ask you for one I'll send you a caricature when I went to court in 87 the guy from the paper drew a can know I'm just but That that's the problem. I don't like people moving slow in comedy. I Didn't have the basics till I was in Boulder in 95. That's why I started getting the basics. But I was attacking Lee. I was like, you got a gig, I'll do it.

Gas station, under the gas station. I used to do a gig on Monday nights. I still laugh about it. I was at a bar and they had a stage. You think they put us there. No They had a room all the way in the back that had like this Molding on the wall that looked like you were and only sat like 12 people But and I would go in and kill on Monday nights, you know, like just in this little fucking room

It was just a set for me But that was the mentality, you know when I talked to Jimmy Florentine, he's around the corner from me. I love talking shop to Jimmy because he'll tell me what places around here used to do comedy back then when he started 30 years ago. And one of the places is the same strip club that my buddy's on now.

That was always a strip club. And he did the open mics there on Monday night upstairs. They have an upstairs So he would do the open mics upstairs at this fucking strip club I can't wait till I look back at them. It's like I At least at my point and i'm lucky I get to talk to you and I get to talk to all the like the people I'd open for But I don't I don't know how to I wouldn't know how to make a plan for comedy if it paid me. Yeah It's a time and maybe I'm just nowhere near that point. Yeah, but just I'm I would do any show anywhere and it's

It's like listen I work dumb with comedy I could sit here and lie to you I Didn't start working comedy correctly until I met my wife It wasn't about 2003 2004 where she goes, let me see your notebook And she's like you gotta get rid of this Why would you do that? You know, I was I was booking weeks that I shouldn't have been booking. I had the Comedy Store. I could do five sets on that at the Comedy Store. But five sets at the Comedy Store is what?

Fucking $75. Right. You know, maybe she gives you a main room spot. You got to sell something. I would sell a couple of eight balls back then just to make ends meet or do a Mexican room. And it didn't really start clicking for me. You got him I would sell a couple eight balls back then just to make ends meet or do a Mexican room and

It didn't really start clicking for me, you know when you on January 1st, you got to go listen At that level when I was in LA, I would put like I got a book of guest star Five co-stars a short film and three commercials That was the acting side just to You, you know, the stand up side, it was always, I wanna add 20 minutes and I wanna get funny. It was never about being the funniest guy. I just focused on being funny.

Those were the goals. You're looking at your weekly goals, your monthly goals, and your quarterly goals, which whatever how you want to choose a quarter, three or four months, that's your preference. Okay, and that's what you look at. And then at the end of that, you go, where am I going to be a year from now? Just a year from now? Where do I want to be? And what things do I need to do to get there in a year? I need to do 400 spots. I need to take a cold reading workshop to help my standup.

I need to do, you know, couple seminars because, you know, around here, they're all cheap. The same seminar you get in Boston and New York. Well, Boston, Jersey are a lot cheaper than you pay in New York. Oh yeah, okay. And you're always gonna get one thing from somebody. My daughter went to basketball camp last week.

And I told her, I said, listen, I don't know what you're thinking. But I know from experience, if you get one thing in those five days, one thing and work on those five things that those that thing Yeah, it was worth me sending you there and it was worth it for you Rather than going expecting to be like the best basketball player. No, that's why I really enjoyed what you did two weeks ago You did a weekend and then you went right into a week Okay, that's awesome. And I know

for a fact That you improved just a little bit. I know yeah, not because I was watching you not because people were telling me But because I know I know how those weeks work. And what happens is you do Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you have off and you're tired. And then like, I don't know if I want to do that, man, if I can Monday, and you go down and you have a great time, whether you bomb or whether you fucking, you know, kill it, you have a have a straight tummy that gives you motivation for the week So you put two weeks when the case I might do those triple runs for a month

Like every night seven nights a week. No, no, no, no not even it was Some weeks were Tuesday through Saturday. Okay, some weeks were Wednesday through Saturday some weeks had a Sunday and I would take those for a month and come back twice To see my daughter That's it stop there. Okay, I would come back on Sunday State till fucking Wednesday and Tuesday See her and then get back in the car and leave again. And I would do it two weeker.

And you do that for a month. I mean, you know, you're there every day, Lee. You're in your room, you're in your car. When you have nothing else, you're gonna focus on comedy. It's like when guys go to prison, you know, they got one thing to focus on fucking weights they come out looking like Lou Ferrigno before the operation because That's all they did in there. They stuck to their carbs. You know, you only get a hundred carbs a day

I don't know. I'm just saying, you know Everybody's like well, he they get so ripped yet because it's like being in fucking solid there. You're not picking all day So rip yet because it's like being in fucking solid there. You're not picking all day Right on the potato chips on the corner. You're not getting a sandwich and with Nino You're not even a half burrito your buddy at five before you have dinner So when you only have one thing to work on You know the fucking via The gains are gonna be tremendous

You might not see him immediately, but you'll see him six weeks from now when somebody calls you and says the headliner is Is running late you got to do fucking ten more extra minutes And there you are good to see you brother and there you are Stuck and in your mind you collapse, but then muscle memory takes over And right there's a lady with an orange hat. Oh, you just got three minutes off you You get to talk about that ladies orange hat Yeah, like when somebody in a UFC fight when somebody gets punched three or four times and they grab your legs and clinched to regain

Like they're hearing birds and Chinese music and the room is tilting and shit Holy shit, but that's It's um, that's your oxygen That's why I always love jujitsu and comedy Because when you're in a closed guard, that's your home. That's the safest you're gonna be I have his arms My legs are around his body. This gives me a chance to fucking breathe and think of my next move or I'm gonna bait him And so you feel more like that doing like a crowd work than you do material. Oh This is all

Listen, you go up there with a 40-minute set that you have planned out, correct? Okay, and then they call no you have a 30-minute set you have a 25-minute set as a feature Yeah as a feature you've been doing 28 if they pull you out of Boston you're down to 20, you know And all of a sudden you're on stage. You've already done your rain material. You've done your fucking You know, they didn't tell you this before you went up right now They're gonna send you a note to the state and go the headline is running late Stretch it out bitch Fuck and now you're gonna be forced things to that's how you improve and that's where you see the improvement

And that's when you know what your next move is. That's why your priorities should change with comedy every 90 days No something else This month I'm gonna focus on this joke and this is big the way to put it And every month you have a mission every week you have a mission Yeah, that's not That's crazy to think about all I've thought about up until this point is like just trying to write jokes and be funnier Yes, what you should be thinking about at this level. Okay.

That's it. Everything else as you're doing this, you're learning. This is a, listen, man, we were talking about something in Austin that, uh, about a, somebody who went to Montreal and did very well and they gave him the world. And one day he just iced himself you know and he had a pretty good movie career going his there was a particular director that fell in love with him you know and was giving him movies but what he wanted to do they didn't want to do you know And it's really weird because I always think of them

when people get a quick push, how they're gonna handle it. You know, they're either gonna excel and then you gotta give them rope again because how they gonna deal now they got 10 million. How they gonna treat other people? Are they still gonna come to the comedy store and do sets? You know, it's very interesting to see all those things also.

And then, I want everybody to be ready before they get hit with a ton of bricks. That's what my point is here in this, in this comedy career, there's two fucking careers in comedy There's that fucking around one We got your friends and you're all comparing shit Then you move up a little bit and then you move up a little bit then guess what?

It gets fucking real And now every time you go on stage like I told you every time I go to the store and I bomb I'd walk to the car Going there's the last time I'm gonna see this building Yeah, I feel that way every time I go on stage right there I do I do see it's fucking nerve-racking oh It's had alone that alone that thinking in your mind That eats at you yeah, we tell you and it's and you know all these things I want you to when you walk listen you know I Don't even know how I was prepared for Mitchie Shaw

till this day I sit there and I'm like How did I pass? That audition That audition was scary enough if I if you want me to city and go, oh, no, I just walked in it Dog your shit in your pants. You got a bead of piss. It's about to come out of your turtleneck I had a wrap my uncircumcised dick with a bread tie. Yeah, I Got a piece of shit in my ass. My stomach is rumbling You don't have a cocktail because you might forget your material

You don't want a small pot because you might forget your material. It's a thousand things you're going up in front of your your future Whatever you think it is So what if you go yeah, I'm gonna be a comedy still got you walk in there she goes not You got to go home and come up with plan B. Now, what do we got? Can't even imagine that I got when her feedback is where you just got awful or You know does she think you you gotta come back in six months? Six months will we work there and I fucking run circles around him. I

Don't know. I don't know what to tell you you do what the fuck you want to do now She gave you six months you show up in nine months. You blow her fucking wig off and Now you're regular, but what if she would have told me no right What I don't know how you would deal with that. I don't know. I would have to go to a laugh factor the next day You know remember I got that land on Monday next Tuesday. I went to the lab factory waited all day Had a great set and the guys like it's never gonna work for you in LA Jamie Masada who once I got the podcast he was calling me every week body

And I love Jamie, you know, I'm not but it's really weird and you have to take that and learn how to Move forward a lot of people can't take three of those punches to the head and not move forward no comedy store They can't get an agent The girlfriend dumped you for an actor. That's enough right there. That's well, then Didn't already get turned down like not turned down by like didn't he have to audition like 18 times or something. Yeah, that's crazy Like you what do you think that did to it? Cuz now he's doing theaters and killing it. She

Listen man when you get into comedy It's not about the money or it's it's the fucking It's the the longevity of what you know You have to it's a different, you sell a piece of your soul. You sell a piece of yourself. Now I'm giving the right to these people to call me every day and pitch ideas at me. Now, you don't get popularity, you lose pieces of yourself.

Why? Everybody can handle that because everybody wants a piece of you, Lee. The agents want a piece of you. The managers come out of the world, the same people you talked to 10 years ago and told you to try ballet. Now they call you up and like,

what are we gonna need to do here? We've known each other for 20 years. Why did you not sign with me? He told me 10 years ago, you know So that takes That itself all that, you know because now you're going from I want you guys to Know comedy a hundred percent in and out before you can start getting hit in the head with bricks

I'm your protective uncle and your protective father Because that's like becoming a blue belt in jujitsu 50% of people quit right off the bat Really? When it starts to go well, I saw I saw I can you know if I got a notebook and I wanted to be a dick and embarrass people I saw 10 comics who lasted a month in LA. And then, you know, they were gone. The pressure doing anything in LA.

They were starting to they were starting to, but it wasn't home. It wasn't home. You're in triple A ball. You're the star. You're hitting home runs. People want to jump up and down with you. Now you're a major league ball. Nobody knows who the fuck you are. You're carrying towels. You're fucking bringing waters. You're calling people mister. It's the same, you know, it's the same fucking concept, man. so being a king in your town headlining people coming up to you now you get to la it's college football you were a big high school star go to division one you know you're

six foot six guess what there's 20 motherfuckers like that now and they all run the 40 faster than you bitch you're like ah and you get there and these guys are jumping here you thought you were Johnny Atlas right your high school program made you believe you were Johnny Atlas and You bought it you ever see that movie with Clint Eastwood and Justin Timberlake and the Amy Adams. Oh, he plays a scout I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie I'm trying to hit me now see these are the people that piss you off They don't bother you all day then they want to bother you when you're on the fucking podcast So, you know he gets to the Atlanta Braves The Mexicans throwing heat at him, you know, I'll Santiago whatever his fucking name was right and the kid melts Because he's been getting blown smoke of his ass for fucking four years that gentle of a mind cannot take that Your mind cannot take that at that age Not too many people could run with the punches with that. That's a rough fucking move You know, so same thing happens with comedy

You just went up to Montreal and people laughed and shook ass then you stumble into the comedy store You gotta follow bill burke after the Yovon and he fought and she fought he followed Lucy Lou and fucking she followed Whitney Cummings and on and on and on and on you know somebody saw you in a club in new york and Decided to test you up in montreal again, you know put you in montreal where people are dying to find a new face Oh my god, he's 28. He's so weary Comedy central gives him a deal and then he stumbles into the fucking store with ego

Right and boom Gives him a deal and then he stumbles into the fucking store with ego right and Boom you see them I've saw it a thousand times That's tough that rejection When you when you're used to doing so well, yeah three years from now you go to your touring and you go to a club And he shows up. Hey, what happened to you? Oh my grandmother she lost a call with diabetes and I had to move back. I Get it, brother. I'm still headlining. I I do this I do cruises part-time. Yeah, that was too much and There's nothing wrong with accepting that now Without further delay. I gotta do I gotta talk to you people about draft kids. Give me two minutes. All right

I'll be back Hey, it's uncle. Joey here talking to you with draft Kings. Listen up There's an action-packed fight card for UFC 300 this weekend and you do not want to miss out on the fun This is not just gonna be fun. It's gonna be a history type card Draft King Sportsbook the official sports betting partner the UFC is giving new customers a shot to turn five bucks into 150 and bonus bets with any UFC 300 bet listen, it's gonna be a great fight card. I think you got like

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This is your chance to prove your point your fucking maggots now get it together download the draft Kings sportsbook app Pressing code Joey and get it on the action for UFC 300 It's gonna be tremendous Like I told you new customers can bet five bucks to get 150 instantly in bonus bets at draft King's sportsbook with code Joey and I'll tell you something else about draft Kings. You know what the crown is yours We're back bitches Draft Kings, you know what the crown is yours. We're back bitches Well I'm doing great man. I just we were talking about

Comedy like I just like not having shows Is like the war I haven't had that in a while and that was it was the worst It's a rough week, but after the week you had listen sometimes Everything helps a little bit now your body got a chance to It's a rough week, but after the week you had listen sometimes Everything helps a little bit now your body got a chance to rest your mind is clear and Your body your mind learns something from that muscle memory in Vegas

You learned a lot of things. That's a big stage Different type of people different type of clientele. It wasn't what you expected. You thought it was gonna be Sinatra people with Tuxedos. Oh no, a lot of air tanks and oxygen tanks, fucking batches and people with spots like me. And you know, it's not the clientele you thought. But you learned. You learned and it taught you how to rough it. You know, you have to put a taught you how to rough it.

You know, you have to put a you have to sleep at night. That hotel with fucking a suitcase in front of your door because they will break in there. And that's part of it. Oh, yeah. That's all that's all part of this fucking. What you're going for at the end, you don't see it now. Nobody does. Nobody does the suffering and the fucking Sleeping in shitty places where you're like, you know what?

I'm not even gonna sleep in here. I'll sleep in my car. I'll come in here and take a shower in the morning but I ain't sleeping in here that type of shit and houses and Long sets and people ripping you off Listen, I came here four years ago. Okay. I just let's talk about facts here. And I decided that I wasn't ready to go on the road, nor did I want to. I needed some time. I didn't like what was going on.

I didn't feel good. I didn't want to get COVID on the road. You know, I'm a fat what was going on. I didn't feel good. I didn't want to get COVID on the road. I'm a fat dude with shitty lungs. There were my reasons. Plus, my daughter, COVID had fucked up my daughter a little bit, staying home from school those three months in LA, four months.

It was just, so I decided, let me sit tight. I was getting the weed Company started right? I didn't know I didn't really want a podcast I Didn't know what to do and Two months in somebody called me with a book deal, you know, and they're like if you don't want to do this you know think about it I was like You know and they're like if you don't want to do this, you know think about it. I was like

Let's do it the people were like we really want the book at this point, you know We've been I was talking to the guy for five fucking years late. Jesus. I was trying to write that book since 2006 Yeah, that man you at least yeah, and I had this chance and i'm like, you know the money they're giving me Isn't going to be great. It's not like I can fucking whatever, but it'll keep me in chicken cutlets for five or six months till I decide that came from nowhere, okay? Then I got another call one day and it was one of the best calls I ever got in my life.

And she said that, these people wanna do business with you, they wanna give you this amount of money. And I was like, well, well, well, let me call you back. Cause I just had an earthquake, you know, it's only like a month before. This is what had happened like a month before, maybe, you know, mid October, I was here since August,

and I had no plans on doing anything. I was barely getting out of the house just to go to Jimmy's to watch football and fucking. She called me and she goes, I got this for you. And I thought it was a fucking dream. And I took it and I felt guilty for a month or two. And I'll tell you what happened. I thought about two things.

I thought about the time I bumped into Slash at the Riviera Hotel. And I bumped into something I hadn't heard early on. When all these idiots are like, Lee, you're still doing the joke, do. And you're like, yeah. Tell us a joke. You know, let's see how funny, you know,

you always get your cousins or people to say that to you. And then they're like, hey, how much you making you making and you're like nothing. I'm just an apprentice I'm gonna and they're like, you know, I get no money you fucking idiot and all this shit And a wise wise man told me every time you go to these open mics Anytime you go to a clinic anytime you go do a free spot that takes an hour, you're punching it. You're punching it. We discussed this a thousand times.

Yeah. Punching it. Yeah, but Joey, it cost me 50 bucks and gas. Shut your mouth. They're giving you 15 minutes. One of the best comics in the world. He's doing you a fucking solid. And he you know, all you're worried about is a limo and you get those guys like if I'm working with him

I want a limo dog. You got eight minutes. You just bombed at the fucking silver Frog on a Tuesday night and you want people lose their minds because somebody told them they were funny or whatever But all that shit when people rip you off when you go there There was a year that this woman didn't want me in her clubs whatever But all that shit when people rip you off when you go there There was a year that this woman didn't want me in her clubs and I would call every week for a guest set and she'd give it to me because And she hated me But I I knew I was gonna get better from doing those guest sets and showing her that I was better than her Like just because she wasn't gonna book me me that means I wasn't gonna work a room

I'm working your fucking room because if you don't put me in them a call the bar owner or the club owner to ask him He's gonna go. Why don't you book Joey Diaz? So right Well that day I realized all that shit I did for free in Seattle and Denver And when I first moved to LA the people who put me through shit You know, I was going to fucking

What's that shit town? Remember? What's the road? I used to always goof on? The 101 no 170 oh yeah, you go up the sermon up to 170 end up somewhere in some way No, not Sherman way a different town like an hour away. Okay, you know many times I used to drive up there for 20 bucks Oh Shit on a Sunday night When I first moved to LA a to get a spot before Mitchie made me a host a to do a spot and B for $20, because there was some,

another place on the way home that you stopped and they gave you $25. That place where I went on, Sunday nights, for the $20, Lee, I swear to God, it was the only thing to do. I forget where the fuck it was. It wasn't far from LA. They would pack them in on Sunday nights. That was the only thing to do it was leave that and look for Martians I don't know what they did up there. I forget the name of the town if you remind me I'll tell you

Okay, and the guy would give you 20 bucks with a straight face and you're about pay for your own dinner You know, I remember all those things Lee and those are the things That 25 years from now, let me ask you a question. And I know I'm going to get fucking rail for this. I'll name 10 people to you. Okay. That get a check every year for them being them.

They don't even have to leave the house. My name is Margaret show gets a deal every year She's Korean They love Margaret show so much. I don't say well Let's get a Korean actress on hold give it to one and fifty thousand dollars and hold it for the year You know every year the networks have a write-off Which means you know what Paul Lee I add in here we'll do a Jewish musical and we'll see how it go whatever and that's when you're 50 they'll call you and they know you're not gonna write a Jewish musical but

it's gonna make you 50 large you can pay for your insurance You follow me so Hollywood always takes get Sarah Silverman She's on TV doing a fucking pet show now Yeah, I don't think she wanted to do that, but they called this and we think there's a good idea We're gonna give you this type of money. You got to come down and play with pets for an hour You're not gonna take that money. Oh, Sarah Silverman's a sellout bitch. She's been doing it for 30 fucking years At this point. Yeah, because you put that work in People will call you with the easiest shit and you'll go

What? And you go, oh That's for that time and all these things will come to you You feel bad about it? Huh? Like you felt bad about I don't know why you feel bad about it I said everyone's goal at first. Well, it wasn't my goal, you know, I'm Spanish. I like to work like the more lawns like eight houses and drink the bomba juice, but It was just it bothered me the first two or three months

Wow, I'm surprised to hear that and then to settle I had to go 30 fucking years You know ten of those were real You know living in a car Living with a stripper in Seattle fucking living in a basement in Boulder You know shoplifting tents and bringing them back. I mean those ten years are real, but I was thinking about something like I left Boulder, Colorado June

30th of 1995 And Before the 10th anniversary, I released the longest yard. Okay. So it took me 10 years from the time I left Boulder. I already had five years under my belt, four years of comedy. And before that, I had Spider-Man and taxi and analyze that.

But for me, it took 10 years to get something that I really wanted. And it was the longest shot. It was 14 years in. I was at the right place at the right time. I didn't get it because I was better than anybody. I got it because I made myself funnier for the role, you know, and I got it. Not because I was better. I was at the right place at the right fucking time. It was every other movie I'd gotten,

I got killed in the beginning, or it was always some drama. And this was the first time I was going to be in a whole movie. Right. 10 years, just to let comics know. From the time I said, fuck Boston, fuck New York, fuck this, wherever you're living fuck, Oklahoma It took me another five years of struggling and you know

LA was not no picnic the first three years sleeping on Ralphie's couches and Doing coke and it wasn't it wasn't an easy journey and Didn't you not get booked for the whole time on the longest yard? Like you got booked for like a short time and they liked you and kept you on for longer Yeah, the contract was like a four-week contract And then after the go get him a diet coke That was it

Yeah, do it like that's why I can't imagine you feeling bad forever So like I would imagine you felt pretty bad when he saw people who weren't as funny as you getting opportunities Well Every young comic is gonna see that right? That should that should make you 20% angry and Give you 80% ambition to say to you if he did it I

Could do it and if he did it, I shouldn't be mad at him. He opened up the door for me Now you know what I want to do. I Try not to be I guess for me the word would be jealous I'm more jealous than angry my angry at anyone for being successful But when I see people that I feel like maybe I'm better than her as good as doing other stuff I wish that was me That's when you have to just focus on your journey and go fuck it. I gotta get as funny as him And you just you don't wish him any harm no, you don't want him to fall off a train and then but

You go. I'm gonna be as funny as him in a year Mm-hmm. He could do that. I could do that. You know, it's like when you start with a guy There's always that guy that you started two weeks before Well, he started three weeks after you in boston and after about three months you become friends and You're doing the same things, but he got into Laugh Boston, you got into city winery, you know, and all of a sudden you're like,

what am I doing wrong? And then he gets you in over at Laugh Boston. Now it's worse. You're MCing and he's a feature, you know? Right. And you know what? It should mess with you a tiny bit. Maybe let you know, you didn't work hard enough Maybe you weren't at the right place at the right time You know, maybe you rub the owner of the last Boston wrong, you know, there's a thousand things that'll be on your control You were at a club one night open mic and the manager from left Boston came in and you had three beers in you you went up to one more gonna get

booked to left was number funny Jew. Okay check please. This thousand variables but at the end you look at that person you go God bless him and then you go on your mission and that's when you put the fireman hat on. Like we discussed. It's a fireman hat. Things are going to hit you and that's what cut that way so it rolls off. And you're moving head first. Like you always want to keep your chin up but at this point of your life you're working like this and you're damaging your third eye because you know You got a steamroll past the bullshit and there's gonna be a lot of it. Some of it is self-inflicted Some of it is you bring it on yourself and some of it is nature

Not everybody's gonna like you Lee Right. You look at those people. You know what? Everybody's gonna like you Lee Right. You look at those people. You know what? Don't go I'll be back in three years when I'm headlining Fuck you. You don't know what? Thank you for your time Right and just go someday. You're gonna call me for a gig. I Hope so I was very humbly very humble

Like, you know And you're gonna go okay, and if you're an ass, are you gonna go fuck you? But you're gonna go okay. I get it now and you go down there. You give a big hug he cracks a joke you crack a joke and You both know why you're there You're selling tickets. There's no reason to bring it up or You both know why you there he needs you to sell alcohol And you need him to sell the fucking tickets

Or he needs you to sell tickets and he needs to sell alcohol And once you realize that you that's a very tough swallow for comics Yeah, one that we'll get to in a few months Okay, that's a very tough swallow for comics There's a lot of tough swallows for comics, but you gotta You know listen. I've always said when you're a comic you're a hooker. You know difference in the beginning You're just trying to get the best best deal. It's yeah, it's our instinct It's not nothing that you're wrong with you or my mother didn't raise me right. She burned me with cigarettes. No you just fucking

And People it takes some people some time to get it But once those motherfuckers get it, you're gonna have a problem Right and because it's very hard I like it's very like but it's I Don't know I like it's hard I can't I can see where people would drop off I've only been doing it in my six year And like to keep pushing past but people not responding to your calls or things like that It's like oh my god, very tough. And that's why sometimes you got to get out there

Like because you don't know who's gonna be at that open mic playing big shot. I'm the assistant to the assistant manager I'm club Roy. I speak to the booker every day Right. I had people come up to me with the wildest fucking stories While the stories About their father knew this guy and he'd make a call for me and it was absurd and you know what some people did I just wasn't ready Really? You won't what happened? Well, you don't come we've been doing comedy shows that New York Comedy Club and you know this player, you know this guy that no not really I heard of him

He's fucking great that guy. Okay, are you getting paid for your gigs? No, but I'm fucking funny man. I'm telling you Okay We'll call you right you know it's it's We just we're knuckleheads We're knuckleheads. There's nothing wrong with that. At least we know that going in But know that in time you'll get it. You know, I was talking about my wife before Mm-hmm in 2003 my wife got sick and tired of me coming home with no cash Every weekend I got mugged by a Colombian I got hit in the head I and three, my wife got sick and tired of me coming home with no cash.

Every weekend, I got mugged by a Colombian. I got hit in the head. I slept over, so I had to pay for a new plane ticket. And some of the stories were true. I used to buy those plane tickets on those services. OK, and that's the tough education when you're a comic. You try to save 10 bucks. Now, the club wants you to stay an extra night When you go to add that plane ticket, they want 800 hours

Fuck now you're stuck there for a week because if you give up that ticket Or you got to tell this guy no, he wanted you to stay You can't do that my plane ticket. Okay next time they ain't gonna be no next time kid I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, what do you mean? It sounds like you shoot yourself? That was no shit. I thought that was the first that's why I had a bend over to stop it the clamp on it Just in case I but tip-top Magoo. Thank God. I Think about my life from June 13 July 13th of 80 Whenever the fuck I got on stage

91 to Fucking 2003 and I wouldn't trade it for anything like That was an education That I can't even write in a book. I can't describe it to you. I don't even know half of it, but I do know this. And I was telling you this when we were doing the church and how I had that man, Dion, I did some in the main room that I remember I learned on one of those Tribble Rooms. Right. Like there was a lot of times I'd be in a theater

in Milwaukee or New York and something would happen and I would roll with it and I'd go, wow, that's something that I learned 24 years ago ago And you would remember the show where you learned it not to show but I remember where I learned that That pause or the way you look at the audience or Just something a special way that you did something and you go all shit You know it starts coming back to you and you see the importance Of those years, right? You see the importance of those years

You know when you look at a great jujitsu guy like Roger Gracie Mm-hmm. He'll tell you I do everything with basics Roger Gracie doesn't do anything Even if you know roger grace, he's gonna mount you and choke you You're not gonna stop him It'll take him 35 minutes But he's gonna fucking do it He's gonna stay on that move and commit to it

I don't know what my point was the edibles are kicking in But how do I guess the last question I have is like Howard If you're not like really like what was that You just broke something not coughed you what I coughed I think I got Now I can smell the edible birth for me. How many milligrams you take tonight 10? I'll do 100 again No, you didn't yes? I'll do 100 again No, you didn't. Yes, I did. You took those pharmacy hundreds. You didn't take one of my killer doses When you take those you gotta take too late They're giving you

Yeah, I can't take 200. Why not? What's the problem? There's a lot of time. I took 200 I passed out Well, these aren't even the hundreds Because a lot of time I took 200 I passed out well, these aren't even the hundreds Why am I doubling it because because you only took like 40 in real life these are did not take 40 I Can tell me any no you can't I can dog You yeah, look at your eyes what what I mean What I can tell by your characteristics? What then I'm conscious or whatever? No, I could just tell you know you're only eating 60 in there. Maybe 68

No, you gotta double up on those to make it 140. You gotta start training. You're coming to New York next week You don't know what I'm gonna show up So one of those nights you're gonna have a hard time making at home cuz I'm sticking ABX's and every time Your goddamn body plus mushrooms. Plus I'm gonna make you one of those falafel dogs with the sad bread umbrella And you're gonna get back to your room You're gonna be eating mushrooms on the edible and then you're gonna shit blood and you're gonna find out what life really is That's what life is about when you're the comedian when you wake up and you shit blood and you're like, man How often are you shitting blood? I don't think that's comedy. I don't think comedy makes you shit blood on a regular basis it should because your nerves are shattered, but

Like I was doing comedy about ten years now about eight years and I started going out of Miami improv And they used to have one of those frozen drink places Okay, I forget what it was called fucking deliciously right across from it And dad like everything was like 90 proof, but that a drink that was beet red, right? Tasted like gasoline and turpentine with a little smoothie in it like a little bit of like a slushie Right. It was a hundred and forty fucking proof. Jesus Christ So as soon as I got off the stage as a feature act, I would run across and get like a white cream one and a 140 when I cross it across the street to the condo I put in the refrigerator and I cut up my coke get it ready for the night put a package aside for the victim that was coming over later and

Then I would go back on the prowl, right? You just got off stage and you run across to the condo to cut your coat off I would go back on the problem I would pick up the package before I got on stage the Colombian would come to the bar at the Miami Improv. This is 98 I don't even know why I'm telling you this. I don't even know how we got here The guy would come to the bar. He was the motherfucker in the world he'd ask me do you need some he called the club right i'd be waiting it'd be like 7 45 joey it's for you hi how you doing hey this is the columbian you need anything yeah he would come to the bar i wasn't even

on stage yet i didn't have a dime in my pocket i would have to go to the club manager go dog Come on. I need a yardstick real quick. Well, they'll take out of my pay and he's Come on dog. Give me the yardstick. In fact, give me 120 Because I need to get Chinese food tomorrow and I gotta get clothes. I wasn't getting no clothes. I Go to the bar and the column I put my hundred miles on the bar all over a drink. He would give me change and Then the Columbia would take the coke put in a nap and throw it on the floor And I would step on it

And then he'd walk out I wouldn't touch it and have a little drink to get me started I go up on stage rip it Get off the stage the coke would be in my pocket burning a hole in that motherfucker. I don't want I run right across the street to the condo put one away cut up the package Save some for later and then I go back out and for every drink I got at the improv I got one more of those fucking red drinks over there. Oh Much of pills and fucking drink and do blow. I didn't know what I was doing Once you leave the improv I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store and I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store and I'm gonna go to the fucking red drink store and I'm gonna go to those fucking red drinks over there. Oh, no. So I'd get a bunch of pills and fucking drink and do blow. I didn't know what I was doing. Once you leave the improv, you go to the dolphin ball.

And people would just give you shit in there. So I didn't know what I was doing. So I'd wake up in the morning and my sink and my toilet would be filled with what I thought was blood. And I would go fuck it, you know Say la via I'm living like Lenny Bruce Fuck it. This is it. You know, you're actually shooting blood. What else would I be doing having this type of fun? Like at that time I was having a lot of fun as a feature act. I never even thought about headlining

I didn't want a headline my life was such a party as a fucking feature act. I'm doing 25 minutes. I'm killing I'm at the store getting ready to kill these people and now I'm getting to these clubs. I'm getting 500 bucks No playing ticket, but I was getting a plane ticket because they gave me that credit card one time. So I was just getting fucking card oh but anyway you earned it my point from Miami for the longest time right I would puke in the middle of night right and I'm smoking a toilet and then the toilet would sink and all that was left was red stuff and I go. Oh Well It was a good week in Miami

Yeah, but then you're talking about like shitting blood Wow, then you're talking about like shitting blood what makes you do that I Didn't know I would puke and then I flushed. Oh, yeah, and what was living around was that red stuff? So I was almost took a shit in the middle of night and shit blood and this is what dog at that point I didn't care was missing a tooth in the back that used to squirt at people You know people like you gotta fix that you're gonna die. I don't do an abscess He is I'm saying every time we get so all I put a coke rocket and pop that motherfucker the needle in the middle of night It was insane Every time we get swallowing I put a coke rocket and pop that motherfucker the needle in the middle of night

It was insane How often would you spray it someone how often would develop enough to they can spray it whenever I wanted to go away You know saying it was like that Rose people having their jacket and they take smell the rose then they hit you Next time I'm on Rogan here I'll remind them when we'd be sitting in a circle in the back of the comedy store, this had to be 99, 98. And this would swell up right here. And it would shoot this way, because I ripped the tooth out. Ooh, fuck.

Fuck, I used to be, I would go home, get a bottle of Jack and Boulder and a wrench. And I would just work it all night until it came out and shit. So when I broke it, there was still a little piece left and then it got infected Yeah, so it would swell up. So finally had the balls to put a needle in there and squeeze and it was terrible After that, it was fill up once a month and I would just go and it would just go I would make a noise to Joe Rogan like I look and he'd go. Oh my god, and I'd stick my thing and I go

It would hit him right the jacket I Don't even know about it Two days later they go Jesus Christ a pigeon shit my jacket. Oh, I Can't believe you could hit people with it. That's some good accuracy Dog, please you have no idea Listen, I gotta take two steps to the rear and get out of here This edible sent me hard to that because I ate the dark chocolate. Oh, yeah Dog please you have no idea Listen, I gotta take two steps to the rear and get out of here This edible sent me hard tonight because I ate the dark chocolate. Oh, yeah You know, that's a 2,500 milligram bar. I didn't eat the whole thing tonight

But I hate like six ABX's I Got nowhere to go dog tomorrow I would hope not like you were like that tea you're talking about drinking was worse than what they gave Michael Jackson Like you just talked about this shit like it's normal Few more cuz I'm waking up tomorrow with two black eyes like I saw the fucking They're gonna wake up tomorrow my god, yeah Yeah, no, I don't want no fuck look at you. You like a gay Batman You're like a gay Robin and shit. Yeah

And that's works as a double after they after you bang him in the ass you go whip him with that All right, I gotta go and now for a word for my sponsors see I'm saying Have a good week. Lee. Love you. See you next week. Love you, buddy