Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The night in San Francisco with the homeless guy and his dog

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt laugh talking about that night Joey had to threaten a homeless man's dog, how Joey finally figured out how to Google, Joey's never ending search to cure the fungi toenail, and some of his favorite drug dealers. Joey also tells Lee about his first bomb since starting stand up again and why it made him love standup more. Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app, use code JOEY. New customers can bet just 5 bucks and score 150 instantly in bonus bets. Support the show and get free breakfast for life at https://www.hellofresh.com/JOEYFREE and use code JOEYFREE The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz 

What's up Lee you got the lighter tonight? I always got a lighter. I love lighting shit on fire All right, let's do it What's happening you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday the 30th of January The check-in is brought to you by my people on it. Listen. You want to start the year off on a good foot? Start off healthy with a little alpha brain and get that fucking coconut on fire. Go to audit.com right now. Go through, see what they have, what works for you. The shroom tech, listen, tremendous,

it don't work on me no more because my lungs are shut. The bomb hits have destroyed it. But the fucking alpha brain is still kicking. That's why I'm kicking today. I'm on my fucking cycle. I got another two weeks left and then I'll be reciting fucking poetry and Nietzsche and whatever you fucking guys but.

But anyway, go to honor.com, press and code COCO or JOE and get 10% off your first order, all right? And now without further ado, welcome to the check-in. So now do the TV's, run through your lives, it's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, act the fuck in the rule of the world.

Actually, you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to check-in! Oh Shit, it's almost fucking February guy. I know can you believe it fuck? I Woke up this one my January 29th. God damn It's almost fucking day to be alive was cloudy cold windy But that's the way in the last couple fucking days Sunday was just God awful Really, but who gives a fuck we still got to get up and be fucking slaves. You know saying it don't fucking matter He's still got to get up and get whipped and fucking hit

But some beautiful word why fellas great week, you know, I Fucking Vancouver Washington up there Yeah, yeah, it was fucking It was awesome So they sell cocaine in stores. Dude, they sell everything in like, and I didn't get to go because apparently I wasn't in Vancouver, but Josh went, they had a store like the same way you look at a dispensary.

It's just the one he went to was mushrooms, but they sell everything there. They sell heroin, they sell, but they sell everything there. They sell heroin. They sell cocaine They sell LSD They and like there's rules like it's only two and a half grams that you can get a coke at a time and like that's like I Don't know if it's like legal or they just decriminalize it, but like there's a weird but you go to a fucking store Like it's what would have happened. Can you have imagined like what? What do you think would happen if you were around legal cocaine?

You know how people rob banks? Yeah, me you would have been robbing stores Give me all the fucking coke. Give me everything the. Give me everything. The label, the syringes. It's a different world, man. It's 24, my friend. Was any of it like when you were doing coke, was any of it like any of the like fun part about it? Like the fact that it was illegal and like kind of not creepy, but like you had to be sneaky or or do you just like coke?

It took me a long time to get a medic marijuana license. I Was getting chewed on for years about getting metamacombia one license and I tried to explain to people that I'm talking about a Somebody who's a civilian? Okay You know, I was a civilian for a long time and I remember like Monday to Thursday was no big deal. Trust me, I always smoke pot. Right. We got it from somewhere in Colorado or whatever at that age. But Fridays and Saturdays is something different. Let's say you're a roofer. Okay

When I roof with those guys on Fridays, we left a half hour early You stop you get a 12 pack of beer or a six pack of beer. There's three guys in there. They're drinking. I'm driving, right? right, I dropped one of the guys off and He lives in the neighborhood as my pot dealer. So I stopped in there. My check is cashed. I get my weed for the weekend, not even for the week. I know it's just going to be for the weekend.

And there's something about driving home, drinking that beer that makes you feel like you are breaking the fucking law. And then you go home and you have to grind it up and roll it and smoke it. And it's like what the Indians used to do, they call it like a ceremony. You know? It really turns into that.

And now you want me to stop that whole little thing, walk into a weed store, like I'm walking into 7-Eleven to get that pound of ham, and now I'm getting an ounce of weed and some fucking lollipops. It really, even me, it took me a long time to adjust, because just that little element of danger, just driving home with an ounce in your car, you know, I had a friend that got off of work with his friend.

And they were driving home and his friend said, do you mind if I stop in this diner? To this bookie and the guy goes, my friend said, yeah. And when he came out, they drove a block and the car got pulled over. The guy went in for coke. So my buddy got arrested and he got charged with because the guy put the Coke under the seat so both of yous got arrested. Really?

Yeah, so my point being that it was part of the whole fucking thing. Like when I was doing Coke bro, listen, I would wake up in the morning and go, today I'm not gonna do Coke. You know, like today I'm not doing it today. And two o'clock I'm not doing it. Six o I'm not, I'm not doing it today and two o'clock I'm not doing it. Six o'clock came, I'm not doing it. I'm just gonna go do my spot at the store and go home. But my spot's at level 40. Okay. A lot of fucking mileage to kill.

And some nights I had a gig with Felipe or George Perez or all the crazy Mexicans down in you know off the fives and That kept me but if I was sitting there By a quarter to eight my body would change My chemistry would change. I couldn't hear you Like when you were talking to me, I couldn't hear you because now my mind went into How am I gonna get coke? And I wanted to get it before I got to the comedy store.

So when I got on stage, I had it in my pocket. I didn't go, I didn't have to hunt the down. And from the time eight o'clock came, I couldn't control myself. It was something that till this day baffles me. I've written about it everything. It was like No matter what you told me, I didn't want to hear it. No matter what you told me I wasn't gonna stop to get the coke and I would I wouldn't even stop for red lights in those days. I Would go to the ATM in front of Rock and Roll Routes. Mm-hmm

Pull over right on fucking sunset. Never gotten trouble. I would go to the ATM, pick money up, make a U-turn, go down LeBrayer and go to my dealer's house right there. And you were never scared? Like just the idea of having like buying cocaine would be scary, but then like having it on me. Like, uh, like the fact that you had it on you during your sets, I would be like consumed.

Like what if the cops stopped me after this? No, you know, I told you that when I came here, it took me three years just to, just took me like a year and a half just to think and write. And at the same time, I'm writing the book guys. I'm writing the book. And at the same time I'm writing the book guys I'm writing the book and at the same time I'm trying to figure out what the fuck happened in my life like How did I go from fucking? A guy that quick comedy now that everybody wants to take a picture with me. It was surreal. It was very surreal

And I thought about a time when I used to rip a year before I stopped snorting. I had a dealer that was on the street. I didn't even know his name. I didn't even call him. All I went was to Sunset in Western, and I pulled into the McDonald's and made a U-turn, and I stopped in front of the Home Depot There was a light and he would come running from the side streets You can't fucking believe this shit and he would come to the car the driver's side Even though it was another car waiting for a red light right there Sometimes he was barefoot Sometimes he had a bicycle

Sometimes he had sneakers on he was Spanish didn't speak no English He pulled up to the car and he immediately put a coke rocking in those to make sure you were in a cop And even though I knew him like hey, how you doing? Sometimes he would just go. What do you want? I go? Give me $60 worth and he would just go in a bag of rocks Take it out right there at the light and put it in your hand And I would have to drive home with the fucking thing in my hand and me mom my hand is sweaty And the coke is starting to fucking melt on my hand. It Jesus It's surreal like where'd this guy come from? What was his name? I figured out where I met him

I met him behind El compadre one night outside and after that it was like fucking he he was everywhere when you needed him so I have so many crazies leave nobody would believe something like that well how how do you just meet a homeless drug dealer behind a Mexican restaurant we were back that's where Ralphie used to live, that building. Oh, okay. I thought you were in like... We're behind El Compagio about one in the morning hanging out. We was like four of us in the circle. I don't remember who was in that circle till this day,

but it had to be like Teddy, Ralphie, and all of a sudden he came, broke up the circle, and started giving us coke in our noses And that's why that's how I met him. I'm like fuck you're a godsend Who walks up to you and puts a coke rock in your fucking nose? You know say like a fairy Did you fucking God? It was like and then he disappeared I didn't see him for like two weeks. No one day saw him on Western at two in a morning And did you ever like go and like do your little routine and I like have him not show up or did he always Every time I drove there, I think I went there maybe 12 times the last year I was doing drugs

And he was out all 12 times one time he was in the tree It was fucking insane man. It was fucking insane this guy. And I probably got 20 stories like that, but that's the one that really like, I was like, I went to a UFC fight one time with Joe. Joe was working 2005, 2004. Okay. Right. I'm sitting there minding my own business. The guy behind me won't shut the fuck up about the longest yard. Like I can't watch the fight. He keeps tapping me. Hey, how long were you there for?

Hang out with Kevin Nash. You know, did you get to do that? After about the 20th question, I just got up. I didn't, I didn't even know what the UFC was. I know Chuck Liddell was fighting. And as I was walking in the hallway of the UFC, some guy just comes up to me and starts talking to me in Spanish like he knows me. And all of a sudden he did know a friend of mine. A friend of mine was there and he did know him.

And he came up to me, he goes, if you ever need something called his number, I'll bring it up to your room. Wow. And the next time I was in Vegas, I called him up and it was in my room. He would bring you an A-ball for $120 and then he'd give you like three sleeping pills

and couples annexes and a codeine or something. Oh Cody's fun. No, this motherfucker. It was crazy. I would get to Vegas and call him and he'd go call me when you're ready So once I would do the show with Joe and I go back to the hotel I call him and within 30 minutes He was there. He'd tell me like 18 minutes. I'll be there. I'm right next door 30 minutes he was there. He told me like 18 minutes I'll be there. I'm right next door. Like, do you think you attracted coke to you?

Like, do people just know that you'd like, I don't know how well the guy he was with me had done a few bumps a couple of times. When I saw him with him, I'm like, ah, this guy must be hell too. And then the guy started talking to me on the side. It's fucking crazy. I don't know what that guy's name is. I still talk to the guy that I did bumps with from time to time. He lives in Newark now.

And next time I talk to him, I ask him, I go, who the fuck was that guy? And did they keep in touch with you? Like if they saw you were coming to do shows, did you ever get calls? Like, yeah, they would call me. If I was going to LA, they would call it. If they would come to LA for the weekend,

I'd get them tickets. At least on a give me a present. Was it hard? Like the first, do you remember the first time you got offered Coke after you quit? Um, I don't remember. Well, it, it, not even in the first time, but like, was it hard? Like the one that would be offered?

Okay. That like two months after I quit, some guy called me that I knew from the comedy store. Okay. Man, I got a problem. I got $3,000. I need some problem. I got $3,000. I need some coke now If he would have caught me the last year I would have taken that three grand he would never seen me

Right because the guy wouldn't have done nothing. That was that fucking crazy at that time But I would never you know, it was like within two months God gave me a test of two people who called me said they wanted to meet me. I met them and they showed up with not $300, but 3,000, 5,000, like a where the fuck were you when I fuck you because I would have filled that bag with aspirins and crushed it up and then argue. I don't know what the guy's name is he came up to me on a bicycle That you just like obviously stealing is never like the right thing to do

But you're knowing hearing stories about you and then having someone come to you I have a problem I have to get three thousand dollars worth of coke And I have the cash That's like never forget that I still remember who the comic was he's still in LA He was my friend really needs it. He'll give you this whatever you could do and I'm like, oh Where were you a fucking year and a half ago? Oh Fuck yeah, that I I've always been afraid like, you know, we did a lot of stuff on the church. I've never done coke. I don't it always like kind of scared me. Like just even

before the fentanyl stuff, the idea of like snorting something, I don't know. It's, it's one of the scarier ones to me. It's, you should be scared and I'm happy that you never did it and I'm happy that you're never going to do it. You know, it's, it's, uh, look what, look what it's caused. Look what it's caused. You know, I was with a friend of mine this weekend and tight friend of mine. We grew up together. You know, he's my brother and, you know, he had a son. His son is still, he still has a son, but the son cleaned up and we were talking about it. You know, this guy was telling me shit. And I'm like, I had to stop saying to him like, Mike, what the fuck did we do at that age? Right? You know,

and granted, listen, the stakes were always high. God knows when you're going to do a blast to Coke and somebody's going to die of a heart attack. You know, God knows now what you're gonna do a blast to Coke and somebody's gonna dive a heart attack. You know, God knows now what you're gonna do and you could just dive from fentanyl. Whether it's smoking lead, whether it's eating a fucking gummy, you don't know the company, you have to be very careful in your surroundings today and today's and I speak this to young kids as much as I can. It's over. The days of us in the 70s buying quailudes at a club, it's fucking over. I wouldn't do it and I'm crazy. I wouldn't fucking do it and I'm out of my tits. I would not fucking do it right now. I don't want to, you know how many nights I had party? Think about from 1980 to 2007.

How many of those nights were in a room with six or seven people talking nonsense? Or four people talking nonsense? What if I would have fucking woke up? What if I would have went to bed one night and wake up in the morning, one of those people with debt? I couldn't shake that. I would never get fired.

I would never, you know, that's it. I look at life now, now if I team up with you and we meet two girls in Vancouver and we get, and we get coke at the pharmacy and- Right. Now, I wouldn't even put somebody in my room No, it's right. You know what it something happened to me this weekend and I was thinking about you because After the show on Saturday, I was walking back. I got an Airbnb. I was walking back and

there was a train station and With a all like a 24 hour convenience store. And as I was walking by, there's home, I don't know if he was homeless, but he was like, you know, it was kind of like someone who was out, he had bags at night. Like he looked like a night person.

And he just came like, he fell through a door. Like he just fell and crashed through a door and like was laying on the ground making like noises and groaning. And I was walking because I was gonna get an Uber because it was raining. And normally I would like help someone who like fell through a door and was like,

and but he was just laying there. He wasn't bleeding or anything but he was just, uh, uh. Which by the way makes me laugh. I feel, I get nervous, but I just sat there and I didn't know what to do. So I didn't, like, and there was another like homeless guy who didn't say anything to him

and he was just come moaning and, uh, and I just got him my Uber and I left, but I like, I felt bad I Just love this poor old like he wasn't old, but he was like probably 40s Laying on the ground. I'm laughing because I Think of all my years running around and getting in trouble even for the even for kidnap and listen I think the worst thing I ever did I was about It was the night it was about the week Freddie Prince died

Okay, it was fucking cold as fuck It was January. I was a kid. I Was pissed about Freddie Prince and me and three of my brothers mean maybe two other guys and me and three of my brothers, maybe two other guys, three other guys were walking home. My mother was still alive. I lived on giving that terrace. And we're like by 76th Street on Kennedy Boulevard.

Right. There's the high schools there, like 74th Street, the high schools right there. But the high schools like the whole block. Okay. We walk, we walk, we walk. And by the time we get, there's a board event parking garage in the back.

And by the time me and these two, I don't even know what we were talking about. I think we were maybe coming from a movie. That's what it was. When we'd leave a movie in Fairview cinema, we'd have to walk like 10 blocks from North Bergen. And then if the bus didn't come, because the snow or Jersey,

somebody got mugged in Jersey City or something, we would start walking and then we'd see the bus going up. So we knew the bus would be coming down within 30 minutes. And we'd just keep walking to stay warm. Right. And I'll never forget we're walking and we just keep walking to stay warm. Right. And I'll never forget we're walking and we hit the board event and right there I started hearing. He was saying, are you, that means help me in Spanish, right? So me and my four buddies, three buddies, we're walking and we're fucking nerds. The guys at the time

in Northburg and these guys are nerds, you know. And I remember like, I wanted to help the guy, he was hammered, he didn't fall. He was just fucking drunk as fuck. And one of the guys said, let's roll him. You know, let's take his money and shit. The guy's like, are we like 11 or 12? Yeah. We tried to help them. The guy's like, I can't. And one of us put our hands in his pocket and that guy came to life jack. And we started kicking him in the chins and shit.

He went right down yelling, I, I, you the man we just started running and I never saw him I didn't go to church for like a month after that. I was like they're gonna catch me in church. Oh my god. Oh Jesus Christ it is funny. Well, I don't know what it is. I feel bad But when people fall and make that noise It does it is pretty funny. Let me tell you something I Did a lot of funny things with you. We went to a lot of funny cities Okay, so this day there is a night I will never forget and

That's the night in San Francisco with the homeless guy with the dog. Oh my god San Jose? I think was it? No, it was. It was right. We're with the Spanish kid. Butch, right? Butch. We had just done the punchline. And we just went to 7 11 to get a snack and we're standing in front of the 7 11 when I bothered anybody. And the guy comes out with a fucking dog, right? And then the dog is barking.

I don't know what was going on. And we're just giggling. And I think the guy went left and then he came back and he goes, fuck you, you guys left my dog. And that's when we started going off. I started doing the lines from Raging Bull Larry. I'm gonna go over there and eat that fucking dog. And the guy was like, fuck you.

Nobody's eating my dog. And he would run and then he'd come back. I'd day to eat my dog. We're like, I'm gonna come down there. Don't make me go over there and cook that fucking dog. I'll stab and eat him right in front of you. Nobody's eating my dog. Whatever the fuck he was yelling.

Then the neighbor came out. Remember the neighbor from across the street came out. Somebody came out and they're like, guys, you gotta knock it off. People trying to sleep. That motherfucker wasn't in the house two seconds. We're like, I'm gonna eat that fucking dog. Didn't you get in the car and like find him again?

Am I wrong? I don't know what happened that night, but it would after like 45 minutes Just fucking howling Howling which Escobar me you I don't know who else was there that was the weekend We're gonna bring you to hooker and we couldn't find you and you're like, what were you like? I was making the bed. We fuck you keep calling me. You knew where I was you kept calling me that one I think was saying Jose. I don't know. Yeah cuz you because butch told it about backdoor or whatever back page and Backdoors a different website, but back page and you kept Like you can't show me by the way. I love that you told Joe about boys Ahoy

But He kept showing us and he kept telling us about like an old lady that he would like hook up with oh And he told me kept telling me and it's like when you would I would get really high and you'd call me And you'd tell me the police were coming but don't answer the door and you would keep calling and it I knew the police weren't coming But it would get into my head and so you kept doing that you come on like this because I that was before Paula That was like before it and I was you know fucking nerdy and single and you kept but you kept calling and You were like I'm she's coming and i've yeah i Destroyed hotel rooms so and i was embarrassed to think of it and it is funny to think that uh Why would i care what a hooker thought of my hotel room, but i was like i think we fuck it

I cleaned i i made i put all my stuff away. Do you also remember i think was another colorado guy? like um Do you also remember? I think it was another Colorado guy, um, a, a, a UFC guy who you sent me a picture of a woman with a tattooed asshole. And you still had to get on a flight to go and she was going to go far to my face and I was like, who would tattoo an asshole? And I fucking, I had a bag packed because I never knew there's something that's, that's the thing you don't know about Joey is that he says When he's fucking with you and when he's telling the truth

It's the same face You don't Like you just you have such a good poker face And I don't know like sometimes like weird shit would happen And I like we would just go somewhere randomly so like am I going to Colorado like It was a picture of a girl with a barb wire tattoo around her asshole. And you, like that's the thing is you,

you fucking link other people into your fucking torture. You had him messaging me. Oh, I have a ready for you. I'm like, I don't want a girl who's asshole has a tattoo on it. Oh my God. I remember a chick with the bar boy asshole tattoo. You couldn't fathom a girl's tattoo when they're asked,

but I don't think- No, I couldn't fathom. I still can't. I still can't. So someone has to hold, does she hold her ass cheeks open? And then I can't imagine getting your asshole tattooed. I have nothing against tattoos.

Well, we'll take some medibles on Saturday night, and we'll see if you want to get your asshole tattooed. I've never been, that's the thing like that. I don't understand when people like, where they get fucked up and they pretend like they're flying and they jump off of a balcony. I've never been so high. When I get high, I just fucking, you've seen it. I pass out I

Don't fucking I don't think about doing weird shit That's cuz you're a nice kid, you know, I'm saying you've got no mental problems That's not true. I'm fucking sitting there last night. Okay watching the news result Like see an animal one of those fucking things And I don't know if my wife was watching, you know, maybe she had Netflix on and she turned it off. I Walked into it like about 10 maybe 10 20 and they were talking about that kid That the parents bought him the gun. Oh Shit, the school and now she's getting charged with involuntary manslaughter

That's a good call, you know, but You know man, I don't know that child Or in other words, I don't know that fucking little retard, but I could tell by looking at him That he ain't right You could tell he ain't right. You could tell he ain't right. His parents, God know, they're like any other parent today that's young, they're on Instagram also, they're not paying attention, you know.

And they buy the kid a gun, he shoots to school, he shoots, I don't know how many kids, I wouldn't even listen to it. But- I think it was there, did they buy him a gun or was there a gun? They bought him a gun. Fuck. With some shit.

But if you look at this kid, and I'm not trying to be funny or cute, you could tell that there's fucking issues there. And there's goddamn problems, you know? I'm scared now. I'm petrified because I don't know what kids do on a computer So like tonight she comes home from kickboxing right at five right?

She changes she goes right upstairs. I call every 45 minutes To just check on her Just to ask her a stupid question, but I'm really looking at the computer Just to ask her a stupid question, but I'm really looking at the computer You're looking at your kids rooms and you and I know when I was a kid My mom was always in there snooping and as I got older my mom was always in there snooping Well, and I'm sure you might you might just not know

But does your wife have a thing that like keeps track of everything she does on there? Well, there's no there's a block on stuff. Okay. Yeah. And she's really good with the games. We were friends with that guy in California who made the games. Uh huh. So whenever mercy comes with a game, my wife will call that dude and say,

what do you think about this game? He'll go, don't let it go on there. She could do this on there. They could crack the screen. They could do you know So we watch as much as we can because listen You and I both know when you were growing it's like that song by fucking James addiction We have more influence with your children than you do

Yeah, you know and that's just something that is a fucking reality. You know, that's it. When I was fucking 14, I loved basketball. If fucking Michael Corrin would have told me Jesus was Puerto Rican, I would have believed them. You know, if Julia Serving told me to jump off a bridge, that I'd learn how to jump high. I would believe them, you know. So I know that children are impressionable

Yeah, that's why you know and you look at these things and you go, you know what my actions are not being a I'm not being like a fucking Nosy Baron. I'm just concerned that she's not up there watching fucking Hamas raping people whatever the fuck, you know, that's fine. Anything. I don't think you're being a nosy. I think that's like what a good parent does.

I think you have to. I mean, especially like the internet really isn't a place for like kids. I get to like the even, even the games Athena's kids play Roblox like that they people can message you they can friend you it's not like it's it's not and this is I know everyone talks about Taylor Swift now I have nothing against Taylor Swift. But like I don't remember loving anything the way I see like people like Athena's kid her girls. It's like when the like you know how like people were like beating the cars of the Beatles Like that. Yeah, that's what they go crazy when when that she's on screen

Watch on football like they go crazy For like all of it like it's just I've never seen anything like that Like all of it like it's just I've never seen anything like that You know, she's she's not into Taylor Swift. She's not into American dolls and Shane into Disney Honest to God she comes down. She watches movies with me. She's into school work And like I said, I'm involved. I'm not on the road So I'm watching I see her friends. I see the friends that come over. I talk to the parents, you know, I'm around

When she gets off the bus, I'm outside when she gets on the bus. I'm outside My wife is outside in the morning. I'm outside in the afternoon but I wave at her from the window I watch and I go out there because People could just follow a bus. You kid gets dropped off and a car, just the other day or today, somewhere some guy tried to haul an 11 year old girl. So I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about my child is a fucking safety concern.

Like, you know, having a weapon up there, whether I had a boy or a girl, you know, they just, but you could see those kids are fucked up. And I grew up with fucked up kids, but they weren't fucked up like that kid I saw on the screen. That's a different type of fucked up. That's like a, he had no friends, alienation type of dude,

was always on the computer. Lee, let me tell you something. I've never gone into the dark web How do I use web? If you know anything about my computer savviness You know me that I don't know anything about anything If you go through my fucking things on the computer, it's all health shit Right benefits of eating carrots for men over 60 my fucking things on the computer. It's all health shit. Right. Benefits of eating carrots for men over 60. Benefits for a

thumb up your ass for men over 60. You know how many times how many hours a week. That's that's 90% of the shit you'll find. You'll find some shit on jujitsu. A lot of shit on music. You know, I just got over the holidays. I don't know what happened like the 24th to 25th and something like that somebody used my ATM card to get You poor not you porn the other one where the girls you charge you a month Chatterbait or only fans What is it only?

And I told my wife my wife's like are you crazy? I go how long you know me I? Go go upstairs and call the fucking bank and they'll tell you you know and I told I said in before the pandemic Only fans was contacting a lot of comedians. Yeah. And offering them deals to come over. Okay. I didn't know what OnlyFans was. I had no idea. You were talking to me a little bit about Patreon, but you knew I didn't like it early on,

at church or anything. And I remember that there was a girl at the store one night. That was very nice, not my type, but she was telling me she was on OnlyFans. And I said to her, so you on OnlyFans as a comedian? And she goes, no, I show my titties on that. So when OnlyFans approached me three months later

or whatever, I'll never forget, I signed up for a thing just to see what she put on that. Jesus Christ, it was completely different than what I anticipated. And I canceled it at the end of 30 days and I never thought about it again. So I told my wife, I guarantee it's one of those charges. She went back, she goes, yeah, this is like 2019.

You signed up, why would there be charging you now? But I don't even know anybody on OnlyFans. But I believe you, but it is, it is like I could see other people be like, yeah, you know, someone just stole my credit card. I had $800 of OnlyFans subscriptions. And what they did, the Bank of America, what they did was, they knew that they saw those charges.

They denied a different charge on me That's what made me go to the bank and the lady goes you have to call only fans when she said it to me I was so fucking bad. I don't have to tell you I was so fucking embarrassed So I came home. I talked to my wife about it. She's like yeah now they got but I don't even go on that stuff. I Don't you know, I don't do anything on that. I don't even go on that stuff. I don't, you know, I don't do anything on that. I don't look into guns or weapons or, why would I? Why would I? It was weird.

I know you're not even a huge porn guy, but in Virginia, I was, you're not allowed to go on like porn sites. Well, not something that you're not allowed, but you have to like give them a picture of your ID. Like, could you imagine giving your pictures of ID to go look at like porn hub? Like porn hub, it doesn't even work in Virginia. And the other ones you have to

literally make an account and take a picture of your ID to prove you're over 18. That I have the time. I don't have the time I want to give my ID to a porn I signed up for my wife doesn't any apps I have to download for a project anything anything wait watches The classes I take now on Tuesdays all that shit She downloads all that stuff my breath work fucking app

Shit, she downloads all that stuff. My breath work fucking app. You know, just so I don't know what's going on. I'll sign up for two years, next thing you know they're taking $200,000. I'm on minus fucking 199,000 because I don't know what I'm fucking doing. Right. That's why I keep doing what I'm doing.

I figured out how to Google things. You know, and I do. What do you mean you figured it out? Yeah, you go to Google when you press enter Yeah, but I don't know like sometimes I'm looking for a friend of mine that I maybe did time with I get high at night I start thinking about shit like let me find if I could find this guy Not on a 10. I can't find them whether I'm feeling lucky or I go on the Google search, you know, I don't even know what the press right So I'm gonna move sir. I'm feeling like you just the first result were like the first result So like when you go to Google if you hit I'm feeling lucky whatever the first link is is the one that it's gonna open and if you think a

crazy motherfucker like me is gonna go on like a page with weapons and try to look, I was raised, I would never even go through that because that waves a flag. Listen, we tell you that the internet's not monitored, but it is. Oh, fuck yeah. When you go, who told you it wasn't monitored? Well, that's what it's supposed to

be. Really monitor it like, you know, you keep going to a page to how to make a fucking shoe bomb. Eventually, some is gonna knock on your fucking door. You know what I'm saying? You try it, try it three or four times, how to make an explosive nut back and fucking, you know, I'm saying? You try it, try it three or four times. How to make an explosive nut sack and fucking, you know, I got big balls, I might as well put a bomb in my nut sack. How do I do it? You hit that Google search three times,

somebody will knock on your fucking door. Hell yeah. And I don't, you know, this isn't just me talking to you. So there's no crazy communication on my pages like this, you know, why? Why? It's like stealing a car. If the cops pull you over, you're in it. The evidence you're in it, you're sitting on it.

Right. So you just, it's a fucking vehicle for me to read shit. I'm lazy sometimes. So I just want to cut through the shit That's it. I would love to look at your Google searches though. I feel like there might be a couple funny ones. Oh I want to know what you Google fucking fungi toenail Remedies, you know, I've googled that search. That's my heaviest fucking search

Is a search of how to cure the fungi toenail and it's only two ways You can read a thousand pages and there's two ways either stick your feet and gasoline and let them on fire Station and then you piss blood for two years, you know Holy shit Can you cut the toenail off and let it regrow or what is it just in here for the last 10 years? No, but the whole time I got one on the right one and when I got one on the left one and every time you cut them smoke comes out Of them it is tremendous. I don't I don't cut them just to cut them to see the smoke come out of it Like it's like the fungi flies up in the air. I love it. And then I sand them down.

I know. I'm embarrassed to even go to Jiu Jitsu with my fucking lizard feet. But what are my options to go? And they would fucking sandals and shit. Oh, my God, I do remember I was thinking about you this week, too. You might know where I'm going with this. Like the three weeks I did Jjitsu. We rolled once and I got my I've had a callus on my big toe for fucking 35. I don't know as all of my life and I got you with it and you called it the outfits toe.

You said it was like my superpower move. He said I could win every tournament. That was the football. That was the football that was the the fucking foot your grandfather used in Arch which Was with stop does no he would just kick them next kick them with that toe To the years the toe got harder and harder, you know, oh it gets you I fucking got Athena's kid with it the other day by accident. She looked at me put a hole in my skin Really I didn't know she wasn't bleeding or anything, but she I we were playing around and like it touched her and

So far I'm up to 800 milligrams, you know, oh my god so far. It's just another day in the park It's Monday these motherfuckers don't know I went to red light therapy today. I changed my whole fucking molecular cell structure I got in Texas going through my fucking body now The stem cell IV are you gonna keep doing that? Can you do that in New Jersey? Mm-hmm? That's interesting. Do you need to feel better? No Okay Mm-hmm. That's interesting. Do you need to feel better? No Okay Not so far. It takes time

Right that makes sense. It takes time, you know, but they feel better like I gave them a lot. I waited a week But then I gave him a lot of blood for three days. I Fuck them rode the bikes. I put some and Then now they feel a little better than last week I fucking rode the bikes. I put some weight on it and then Now they feel a little better than last week. I'm not doing nothing crazy. I'm not squatting nothing like that It's all Walking stairs and going to Jiu Jitsu and lifting at the gym. I'm not doing no fucking nothing crazy

I'm just trying to stay alive like I'm trying to laugh have a good time Last week I had a bag of dicks on stage. Lee, oh, really? Brutal. But I did try to determine Joe. That didn't, they didn't like it. You know, that was one of my darkest fantasies. You know, my daughter's recital Tuesday night. And you know, my daughter's Irish, she's a half breed. So she's got the Cuban blood. So you know, they gave at least it's in her fucking league. Right. But they gave this Indian kid like the triangle.

And I'm sitting there like the whole fucking thing and I'm going, why did they give this poor fucking little Indian kid the triangle? You know what I'm saying? Like why? Why couldn't they give him a fucking, he's a natural on the flute, you know, little flute with a snake and those sandals

that appoint these shit, that motherfucker be over there like, what's his name? What's the guy? Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do They're like what's his name? What's the what's the guy? Jay Z's cousin the white dude with the long hair we were kids Jay Z's I Rick Rubin No, he has like he plays the fucking whatever. I Don't know anyone plays the flute

Like in 1995 I was on a restaurant in Seattle and he was there. I Forget what his fucking name is a musician the Whatever anyway, it don't know it But you can you imagine if they actually gave the Indian kid a flute that That would be front-page news if they made an Indian play the flute if they have an Indian why he's a natural somebody in his fucking culture went to a carnival and played the flute at some time not trying to be cute here but every time you see Indians they're playing like the little flute and the snakes trying to come out of that and all

come out of that and all I've never seen this I've never seen one Indian with a flute before it's all over the cartoons oh holy shit oh my god the poor kid he probably he probably just stunk them why you didn't give them poor Indian kid poor Indian? I know the kid he lives like two doors down. I like the kid but I was pissed off had some kids smart as a fucking whip Why did you go to him and say why don't you ask for the flute? No, cuz then he's gonna go why the flute and I got a break it down It's free retreat. He's Americanized plus one now. He don't even know about flutes, the snakes, the sandals. He's got a little, let me tell you something. Then there's another Indian family

that goes to Jiu-Jitsu with Mercy. The mom is fucking cool as shit. The dad always comes up to me, I'm gonna bring my friend from work. He's a big fan. And, but the kids, man, they're gonna be models because they're like Americanized. They're gonna be models because they're like Americanized Huh, they're gonna be models both of them. Oh, he's handsome as fuck. He's got a nice little hairdo and she's gonna just be

Americanized beautiful Indian girl beautiful American Indians beautiful so All right, so they didn't but they didn't like the turban joke What else like how did it feel to bomb did it feel bad? Did you like it like what were you going through? There was a reaction from my body. I didn't shit my pants. I didn't pull a burp, but there was a reaction like I Not that I started sweating, but I found myself and I put myself there To see how it feels, you know, but this week I plan to go out two nights

I plan to go two nights right hurts invited me Friday and Saturday the bananas East Rutherford Tomorrow I got a spot. I'm going to and then you'll be here on Saturday Yeah, I'll be there all weekend Somebody invited me to a show Saturday like uh, not a paid show. It's like an open mic and a bar And he's got something maybe Thursday night. So if I could pop to how the fucking three I'm good then hopefully I'll see you Saturday night and fucking

We could eat some edibles and Kill the rest of these mushrooms and fucking we can have a nice breakfast. I can't wait Over at fucking stacks. I can't wait. Um, did you when you were bombing like? Was it discouraging? Do you get upset like oh, maybe I shouldn't you stand up? No Okay, so no No, no, no, not even fucking close.

Before we get into this conversation, let me take a quick little break here. I wanna talk to you guys about DraftKings, the soup bowl, and I wanna talk to you guys about HelloFresh and the chicken bowl and as you can make at home. Give me two minutes, Lee. What's happening, savages? Listen, are you looking for a super offer for Soup Bowl 58? Well, Uncle Joey's got the answer.

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One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at hellofresh.com slash joeyfree. We code JOYFREE. Hello, Fresh America's number one meal kit. com slash Joey free with code Joey free Hello fresh America's number one meal kit now back to the check-in We're back bitches Beautiful Tuesday morning with my man. Lee sciat. So you were asking me I Was asking you I asked you if When you were bombing like if at all you got a little bit discouraged and I like because you see you have this 10

Set thing and you want to see how it goes like is that is the fact that one of them was a bomb like the bumming route Not even close Okay, no reason to bum yet and made me like it even more it made me go to the notebook and Write a little more that's what you do when you bomb You don't blame it on the sound you don't blame it on the audience You don't blame it on your head do or your sweatpants You did something wrong. So I'm sticking to my word and I fucking went home and I wrote Three other things I tossed the fucking gay Catholic singer joke.

It's not working. It's just not get them. I'm definitely tossing the napkin joke. I don't have a closer for that one yet and it's too close to home. I don't want my wife to see me doing that joke. Okay. I added some other that I'll try this week. And like, do you like, let's imagine the opposite. Like, let's say after whatever it's been a year of not doing stand up, you went

back and you were just killing every time. Would like, would that be boring? Like, would you not like it if you were killing every, every set? Listen, who doesn't like to kill? Right. If you know anything about me after the fourth to fifth set, I'd be suspect. So that's why I want to do that's why I want to do drop and open mics. They don't know nothing.

Nobody knows nothing. It's comics. It's not people who would usually come to see me. I'm doing that for a reason. There's little things that I do that you're going. He's a fucking, you know, everybody's probably looking at me going. He's an idiot. He could be getting paid fucking big money for these. I'd rather not. I'd rather just have a good time. Go back to basics. We learn some stuff.

Listen, whoever doesn't like creating It's fucking crazy if I'm a baker right now When I go to a restaurant, I eat the coconut cake and it's three times better than mine I'm gonna ask for the baker and I'm gonna go listen. I'm a baker in New York What you put in this fucking cake? It's delicious. They'll say where I had a little lemon you put in this fucking cake. It's delicious. And they'll say, well, I added a little lemon, lemon juice.

I let it sit overnight. And then you add it to yours. That's creating. Yeah. You know, you look at the picture on a wall. You've been painting this fucking thing for a year. And all of a sudden, people are telling you it's beautiful, but you know there's something missing and needs color.

When you when you fucking do it and it works. There's no better feeling. And you take like I watched those stupid Sylvester Stallone Stallone movies. I was gonna have fucking I couldn't sleep. And I was watching this one movie and it made a lot of sense It's one step. It's one punch and it's one round It's one step it's one punch it's one round that's all you should be worrying about But because young comics now I gotta worry about social media I gotta take a picture with fucking Joe Rogan and get it on my fucking website. There's so much other shit. What I'm trying to do with the book and with you when we talk is bringing it back

to basics. You want to be a good comic. That's let's start there. When it's starting when it's time to fucking shine on social media, we'll get to that level. These are all levels when you start mixing them, you know, you had a very interesting question this morning. Okay. Which I thought about all that. And I kind of felt to be critical about the answer I gave you. When you're young and somebody takes, they wanna notice you, you know,

it's always great to take a meeting with them and speak to them, you know, whatever and see what they're looking to do But oh my god times if there anybody Don't make contact with you come watch you and if there's some if you say see something special in you They'll check on you every 90 days Okay I remember I got that way. I wanted to manage it so bad and there was a guy that was He had clients. They were all working on TV and they were all working as acting comics

And I took a meeting with him, okay, so did wolf And I'll never forget that when I sat down He went in his he turned around and In his fucking file he had a file with my name on it and all the sets He had seen me with the results and what he thought whoa The guy didn't sign me. He ended up quitting the business and Becoming a millionaire with a dot-com company or something asked and becoming a millionaire with a dot-com company or something. Ask Josh about him.

But he had, his clients were good. His clients, I still remember their names, I'm not gonna drop them. He had clients that at the time were fucking doing great things in film and television, and they were all at the store, and he was at the store every night. You know, but it was very impressive that he had watched me and paid attention and the dates were accurate How was that those places? That's cool. That's so

Oregon again, that's It's really tough like you were talking about like an episode or two ago, but like not being desperate and Like when you like you when you said that guy didn't book sign you. If someone doesn't sign you right away, is it like it just seemed like it would bomb me. I, I, I, how long did it take you to not get affected emotionally by that stuff? Listen, man, it's at the time I had the store.

So all that ship was just humps and bumps. I would bother Mitch. You're sure to manage me like Mitch. What do you gotta manage me? I don't have time for that and all that shit, you know, and I remember I signed with a manager who's a great guy still talked to him today. I don't think he was prepared for Hollywood. Okay. I was more aggressive. And then I signed with a guy who was very good. Until today, I thank him for I thank him for my I thank Jeff because he showed me the importance of film and television. He showed me the importance of film and television. And I saw it and I ran with the advice he gave me and what he taught me. When he signed me, I was a glorified feature. He didn't pull no punches.

He goes, I'm not gonna make any money with you, you have 500 dollars a week. That's the most in my pocket. That's not money to me. So if you wanna be with me, you gotta start acting. So we got a couple jobs's not money to me. So if you want to be with me, you gotta start acting. So we got a couple jobs, then come back to me. And I booked Baseball and the pilot, and I bumped into him at the commercial.

And I bumped into him at a parking lot at the improv. And I told him, and he goes, let's set up a meeting. Let me get the reels. When I got there, he had all my tape already. And he goes, let's work on this. Let's work on that. He had a fucking plan. Yeah. That's like, that's what I'm looking for.

We went right from acting class. Like there's usually like a little period where people milk you and shit. Not him. I think on my third audition, I was sitting in a room with fucking movie stars. I was like, oh, no. Like education I got from being with him those three years of auditions from 99 to maybe 2003. I thought I wasn't doing any work, but he was getting me into rooms with big time people because he believed in me. And I didn't book that job that day.

But then those people would see me again and now I went to producers. And then they would see me again and I would go to producers on everything until one day I just busted three of them. You know, it was like taxi, longest yard. There was like three big things I did because I just didn't get those.

I had been working on those. It was the same, only he's got the same casting directors. They all meet and talk about Lee Syatt. I just had this little Jewish kid, Lee Syatt. He was chubby, he danced in the room anybody I Saw him at the improv last month I kind of liked them

Maybe we'll call them in for another meeting and then you come in and your hands are shaking and they'll go listen We love you, but you're still a big green, but we'll be thinking about you and Then once later you see him and you got two more credits. And now you, you're more confident in the room and that time you won't get it. It went to a big time name, but the next time you're going to fucking bang it out. It's because you talk about this is the best time of your, like your

favorite time of your career Like that's the I think you do. I mean, I've heard you and a lot of headliners talk about like the open mic Feature levels like your your the time you look back on with like the most fondness for a variety of reasons but as someone who's there right now It's like I Think it's when you start anything. It's like to get someone to take a first faith, like to have a faith in you and take a chance on you. It's like so hard to get like the big it's just you feel like you're there

and then no people just like, I don't know, they don't believe not that I don't believe in you, but they don't want to take the risk. Well, here's how come I believe it Because I saw it Not with me. I saw it with Bobby Lee. I Saw with Steve Renners easy. I saw with punky the girl from silent life I saw it with I can't tell you how many, I can't tell you how many people. I can't tell you how many people I saw one day when they were living with four people

and the next day they were living in a fucking mansion, Ralphie Mae. I saw it. I saw the miracles. And once you see the miracles, you feel differently. You go, oh, shit. Most people go, fuck Lee. He's not even funny. He's got that fucking car.

It's because he was on that podcast for nine years. No. What you're supposed to say is I'm happy for fucking Lee. I'm going to start drinking the same thing he was drinking. I'm going to start doing what he was doing. I'm going to cheer him on. That doesn't mean I'm going to be the same thing he was drinking. I'm gonna start doing what he was doing. I'm gonna cheer him on. That doesn't mean I'm gonna be in his back pocket to see what I could get from him.

I'm gonna cheer him on. And that's what I did with Ralphie. Me and Ralphie were slept on the same floor, you know? For four, five, let me see. Ralphie hit, when I hit the longest yard, yard Ralphie was all he had just one last comic standing and He had just done a month At the Harris or some shit Well, and he was he had already moved to the apartment

He was on Beverly now. He was eating fucking sushi at that place on Beverly He was fucking driving two new cars He had a pound of weed on this dresser in the living room that little coffee table There was a pound of weed in there at all times You just went over there opened it up and took a butt out of it and rolled the joint It was unbelievable when he opened up his doors to everybody. I Still remember when he bought the house and we were all up there, you know, when it was like,

holy fuck. And then for years, he would come home on Monday and pick me up and buy me $600 worth of weed and edibles and cookies and we go to eat at Chin Chin, you know, we fucking do. You know, I saw it. I saw Joe Rogan and the show on NBC thinking he was going to become a big stand up.

And next thing you know, he's on fucking news radio. He's on fear factor. Right. You know, nowhere. And next thing you know, we're doing shows and going up to his room after we're ordering room service and talking into some fucking thing every Saturday, every Friday, and I would goof on them. So who are you talking to?

Does it? Well, who's home on a Friday night, 13 year olds that the fucking wacking off looking for free entertainment. That's JRE today Yeah, that's fucking JRE today So you think about what I saw and what how that makes you a believer It's like the people in the Bible that saw Jesus turn bread to fucking, you know fish right

Well, it's the same thing. I saw human beings turn nothing into something. And that's fucking big when you see it. That's big, man. Yeah. Yeah, there's been a couple of people like in my class, like this one guy, Michael Bloustine, he does. He's part of like the stiff socks podcast And when I were doing open mics at the fourth wall and now he has he has like I think two sold out nights at the Wilbur Yeah, yeah See it you go, okay, at least I'm on the right fucking path

Cuz I was rolling with that motherfucker. So that's the that's your feather That's what people don't see young comics old comics. They don't see that that that guy just kicked open the door for you You're not gonna go in his back pocket You're gonna get that energy and do something on your own And that's very inspiring. That's the best thing you could ever fucking see that listen when we first started the podcast and a year later, we would just sell it out one night a week. And if anybody knows me for me, that was good enough. Like that was sell one night Joey, if I come into your town on a Thursday and sell it out shit

Because I came from a world where For 20 years I showed up and there was eight people Right. It weren't there to see me. They were there to see Joe So I had to learn to live with that and that's strong as a comic Because most comics who say I'm not gonna go there, did it, I see him anyway. No, this is an opportunity for you to learn and to get better and to open up for a comic and to face different audiences.

And secretly you're building your audience. Hopefully. Yeah, cause I remember still talking to a tell and a tell telling me, dog, you're doing a great job as a feature he goes because you're everywhere every fucking week twice a year and that means you're building eight ten eleven thirteen people and guess what they want to say i knew lisa at when he was a feature act opening for de ass opening for josh wolf i knew he was going to be a star now when you do get your first movie they're gonna be there fucking jumping up and down going hours here. I fucking knew what I told you motherfuckers

That's even motherfucking feeling that's even fucking, you know It was very inspiring to see okay, cuz I was lucky enough to go to a bunch of your special tapings. But at that point, maybe they, I forget what Netflix was, what year it was, but I wasn't really into stand up at the time. Like when I went to Chicago and then to Vegas, like to see him film it, it was just very like, I even sat, the theater is great. It's like super old and you can smoke. And there's a staircase and I just sat and I couldn't see him, but I could hear him. I just smoked a joint and like listen to him, like, and he did great and the shows were fun. But it was just cool for a second to like imagine 20 years from now, whatever it is 15 years from now that

if I get to record a special. Hey, brother, once you're there and you smell it and you go, okay, you know what? I can't do this tomorrow. But it's one day that this is going to change and I'll be doing one of these. And it's really, you know, I don't know, it was, listen, I don't know, I never wanted to be no big time comic.

I did it to just, I don't know. But it was great to see what I saw. And the knowledge I got, it was fucking amazing. From the sets and the people I was with, do you ever think, if you ever thought I was gonna do it, I still remember going to see Analyze That on a date and leaving the movie theater. I went to see it up at Universal City.

Okay. At a universal city. Okay. At a matinee. And I remember leaving there going. What the fucking might do in my life? What the fuck? There was two movies I went to see and I left there like what am I doing? Jeremy Guire in Seattle? Like that feeling that movie gave me? I was like, I gotta get into the movie business. That's it I'm going to LA to get movies, but I'm like I'll only be an extra and Then It was just a couple things that I was like man This is what I want to fucking do once I got like

There was one, I started shooting all those little movies, you know, nobody would see, but I take so much pride in them. And I could see I was the head of the other people. Like once I was on, I was on. At least I knew what was going on, considering where I came from.

I never went to an acting class. I shot two or three movies with no acting experience, not movies, but two or three things. One being a pilot, that's why you don't see me in the pilot. And baseball being another, I didn't know what I was doing. And then I got into an acting class. And by 2003, I knew what I was doing now. And I was going up in front of those people

that I was going up in front of them from 1999 and 2000. And now we're getting farther with them. Right. What was it about Jerry McGuire that inspired you? Jay Moore. Really? Jay Moore. Really? Jay Moore was the standup from New Jersey. I mean, Jay Moore was a lot handsome then.

I'm no Jay Moore, but just that feeling that he was the standup gave me a, you know, I still remember coming here and being an open micker and his name. He was there was like little newspaper advertisements everywhere with his name him Bill Bellamy You know, I forget who else then But Felicia Michaels, I remember Nick Topolo When I came in 93 those guys were all Dave Chappelle had just done Robin Hood men and tights

You know, there was just so many people look at that Chappelle had that was 31 fucking years ago And he still do is don't kill it So Chappelle did a movie then which at the time you didn't think nothing of it now when you look at his movie career It started with that movie. Well, that one in the stoner one, the one he did. Half-baked. Half-baked, you know, but. And Robin Hood Men and Tides, yeah, it was, that's interesting. That like, is that how like they get in? Is like,

like a popular with the movie and then they can run with stand up? I've always believed that that a lot of people don't. I think it gives people a different look. Do you think podcasting is similar to that now? I think podcasting is bigger because you get to know who the fuck I am. You get to know my life, what I went through, whether I choose to say it. And, you know, if I don't choose to be can you imagine like?

All right, let's say somebody from Yellowstone Okay Let's talk about Beth. You ever watch yellow Beth. I've watched a couple clips. I know who Beth is Beth is the best character on TV but wow is Beth is the best character on TV. But wow. Man, let's say Beth did a podcast every week. She's Australian, right? Her accent. Yeah. So let's say Beth does a podcast. Like I just saw Beth in a movie with Denzel. Oh, he plays the pilot and the pilot, the airline over flight She plays like a fucking chick that's smoking heroin shit. I didn't know that she just didn't pop up and get yellow stone

Right. She's already appearances. Maybe two or three of them you caught and That's why like I don't know. I'm trying to figure out how to do it like What am I trying to say here? There's gotta be some type of pages to show people where it all comes together. You know, it's like what I hate right now, what's going on with comedians. People think these comics just came out of an apartment

one day and started cracking jokes. They discredit the 20 years before that. You know, I mean, I'm opening for Louis CK in 94 and 95 in Seattle. I think Josh Wolf was there with us. Are you fucking kidding me? And that wasn't a big room then that was the room in Seattle At the time, but it wasn't a theater It wasn't there was an improv there. It wasn't an a-room. They shut it down

But I always want people to know it's a long time And it's not one thing. It's going to be a bunch of little things And then they all come together one day. Some of the best advice one day I got from an executive producer along his yard. He goes, this movie didn't shine for you as much as you anticipated it, but don't worry about it. 10 years from now, this movie's gonna change

you and people's eyes because it's gonna connect you with other roles and other projects and then people go oh okay I saw him in an episode of Co-Case. Yeah. That was 2003, I saw him in Taxi and that was 2004, I saw him in Spider-Man and that was 2002, people start connecting all that. I saw him in Grudge Match in 2013. I walked out of the movie theater. I saw, you know, like, I saw him in the Sopranos.

That one, I was happy he got shot. You know, people will tell you. And it's pretty interesting. It's very interesting. And the same thing with stand-up. That's why I told you to do that thing every 90 days because I want people to document it. That's some, it's completely different

than what I thought I told you. I told you to show and write it all. It becomes people acquainted with you now as a feature act. Right. You got your own world. It's a YouTube page. You don't cost you nothing. If you want people to shop on there, they could buy sneakers on there.

They could buy the juice sneakers you wear on stage and all that stuff. You know, it's really a great world and you learn a lot. Yeah. And one day that knowledge all comes together. It's, I'm looking forward to that happening, but it's also like, it's I'm nowhere near quitting up, quitting at all. But it definitely, it stings more than I'd like to admit it does

when like either a set doesn't go well or if a club doesn't like me or I take it personal. Expect them not to like you please. Make believe they're all fucking German. Expect them. Okay, that makes your life easier. Expect them. I thought you expect for you to walk in and go hi, I opened up the Josh and Joe Diaz. I'm here to report for duty and they're like, that's great. Here's the keys to the condo. Take a hike. Right. You know, until you become valuable to them. Yeah. Until one day they went in the middle of a football game.

They see you jumping down up and down a commercial next to the quarterback in Kansas City. Yeah, Patrick Mahoney. They fucking look at the TV and go, oh shit. I just had that little motherfucker at my club last month. Now next time you come, you you're gonna even though you're not a movie star And even though you're still a feature He's gonna treat you differently

How does that make you feel about people Like if they just start treating you differently when you start like when when you can help them Because now they see the effort in you now they they go, oh, if he booked one, he could book two. Right. And if he booked two, he could book three. And something really big, and here I am being a shithead to him as a club manager, or as an agent, or as an employee at a club,

because now you become an asset. You are a potential. This guy has potential of being in a TV show. As a matter of fact, the guy from Kirby Enthusiasm has taken him on the road. There's little things that people see, And that's why it's not their fault if they don't like you. It's the way that they were programmed. They're not there to hate you.

They're there to like you. You know, and there's two ways you could fucking make them laugh and be a shithead or make them laugh and be a gentleman. Right. And that's, I always try, I feel like I'm always polite to everyone, but when you're looking back, and I've heard you talk about it a little bit,

but looking back at the, for the people who did help you out when you couldn't help them, do you feel like, do you feel different towards them than you do against, like, you know, people who come along later? What do you mean? Like the first guy like the guys who would bring you out in Denver or like the guy or you know If a club started headlining you when you weren't selling tickets Like do you look bad?

Do you look at those people and like when you do more for them like, do they mean more to you than it does for someone who? There's a guy in Houston that used to headline me when nobody was even thinking about it. And I remember the first room I sold out was Houston. Like over the Christmas holiday, I sold out one of the shows and the rest of the shows I wasn't doing bad. And he saw it. I didn't see it. And I saw it. I didn't see it. And I remember trying to get an agent, a booking agent. And if you're not selling tickets again,

there's not much a booking agent could do for you. If he puts you in 10 clubs and you're getting 100 a show, we got a problem. We got to start from scratch now. Thank God, because of the podcast and the Rogan and the movies, everything was falling into place. So I went from going to a club for a weekend. First time I went out as a headliner was Columbus.

I had a bag of dicks that didn't bring me back for a year and a half. And then I found out they were closed and stuff. But how bad do you think I felt about that? Yeah, I went from selling one night a week for a half. And then I found out they were closed and stuff. But how bad do you think I felt about that? Yeah, I went selling. I went from selling one night a week for a year. I would come to NIAC and do Thursday night, sell it out. Everybody would then I come back the next year, or two years later. And I do Wednesday and Thursday and sell it out. Then I come back two years later and now I was selling out Wednesday two shows and Thursday two shows which meant I could sell out a weekend. Right. So if I wouldn't have done that I kept growing I was very fortunate and the show that made the statement was me and Ari in the house of blues in Chicago. Really?

We sold it out and everybody got a memo. They sold out the house of blues and everything changed. It's all different steps. When was that? Do you remember? I still remember selling out a show with Ari and Buffalo at a theater like 300 tickets where we got the Fidel Castro t-shirts and shit Yeah, I remember that one it all had to start somewhere that was over You know 15 years ago had to be You know so it was off patience

You know, that's why when most comics and and then they trick you, then there's people who trick you. They'll, like yesterday, the line all week was four on Baltimore, and then they did an old school trick. They raised the line on you. And now it makes you think, what's going on? Fuck it, if they've raised the line, they tried to switch all the money to Baltimore. You saw the result. Sometimes I'll do a fake. I want you to look at the

steps and how they do it. You do a couple of things and all sudden they blast you on the theater tour for $89.95. People want to know why you're doing theaters and why you're charging a 995 they think you're going to see the fucking beach fucking part nav and Then you just go it's another stand-up comic. There's a lot of marketing tactics That they use and they get you with them every five to six years They just trick you It's the same thing as a marketing scam. But that's like I did a lot of thinking since last night about this and like

something that I've always like, I guess admired about you is like how you would tell me little things, but you would say even before I started to stand up like with like agents or managers like you have to tell them Like you have to say like saying no is hard for me like saying no A lot of things in life is hard for me, but like you you this is all new to you Mm-hmm. Why I like that you're doing this is Because when you get to that level They can't sell you on this. You've already done the paperwork This is why I always stick up for Brendan

Brendan didn't have this Brendan didn't have these six years seven years that you're experiencing right now, right? seven years that you're experiencing right now. Right. Went from behind a fucking dashboard and a computer rule to being a co-host of a podcast, you learn the numbers you learned when he got into it. And I'm not saying nothing bad about Brendan. I love Brendan to death.

He never had this. And this is the period that you want. If you're gonna be a comedian a Podcaster a fucking actor, which is what we ultimately are at the end. We do it all But I always felt this period was special to me and most comics will tell you Because that prepared you for bigger things without this period in comedy. Two things are going to happen. Either you're going to get demolished early on, or you get demolished,

you pick up your bags, you go back to butt, nuts and bolts, and you do it the right way. And next week's podcast, we'll talk about when that happened in our moment of comedy, you know, came on and then Tim Allen came on and they were both hits. So the networks got really cool. And they said, well, let's put on a couple other comedians and develop shows with them. These shows got developed and they worked. But because of ratings and shit like that, the shows didn't work out.

And I know three comics personally, that, you know, hey listen, when your show gets canceled, you can't, I can't imagine that feeling to get that fall when you've gotten out of that realm of standup comedy now on your terms. Now you gotta go in there with your, with your tail between your legs. Right.

And these guys ended up being three of the best comics that we have today. Greg Geraldo being one of them, Margaret Cho being the other one, and our great friend Tom, you know. So no, the other guy, Tom, the crazy guys, Rhodes. Didn't work in a shows cancel to who? El Bar. Yeah, early on 9899 97. An all star show that was supposed to work. Everybody was a star. Can you imagine if I tell you hey listen?

The guy from modern family the guy from sons of anarchy all these stars Are gonna do a network and they want you to do a recurring role. You're like mom buy the house 50 episodes that these fucking loses And next you know the show gets canceled after 20 episodes because the ratings are shitty That's a complete different fucking ego buster But hey, what do you got this week? I suck it this week the third on Saturday I'll be featuring at the dojo 9 p.m. On Saturday and then if you're in the city on

Scotch planes or Morris planes Morris planes the comedy dojo at tiffs if you if you if you don't if you Google the dojo You might not find it, but it's at tiffs Andre Kim is the headliner great guy. I'm very excited for it. And then Thursday and Friday I'll be at a couple different places in the city. Look at my social media All right, there you go. Hopefully I'll see you Saturday night after tips. Oh I'm pumped. Yeah Shit you get all nervous to start I'll see you Saturday night after tips. Oh I'm pumped. Yeah Shit you get all nervous to start the stutter in his shit like this fucking

simulcast You should host and fucking just blow me out of the water. No, I'm not hosting. I can't do that anybody But hey, I love you. Have a great week. I'm gonna do two sets this week. So next time I see you, I have two reports for you, Cox. I can't wait to hear about it. All right, have a great week. I love you guys. Stay black and now for a word

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