Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The Supermarlet of Sin

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about having to go back to the hospital, why his roommate was worse than any roommate he's ever had before, and why he had to torture his doctor a little bit. Joey and Lee are also joined by Joey's nepew Nick A. Joey grew up around Nick's entire family including his grandparents and Nick grew up hearing these stories. Nick is the laugh you love on the podcast and is beginning a career in politics. Support the show and get $5 off your Magic Spoon order at https://www.magicspoon.com/CHURCH  Support the show and get 35% off your first 3 NYKD orders at https://www.NYKDPouches.com/CHURCH  

What's happening beautiful people? It's Tuesday the 11th of February a beautiful day to be alive Me and Leah here to bring you a little joy on a Tuesday morning. Let's get this party started Jackson Hey, uncle Joey here I want to talk to you about something if you missed a cereal of your childhood, but don't miss the sugar Here's something you're gonna love. It's called magic spoon and it tastes like nostalgia. Magic spoon has got a ton of protein but still tastes just like the cereals you remember eating as a kid. Every serving of magic spoon has 13 grams of protein. Again, 13 grams of protein, zero grams of sugar and four grams of net carbs. It comes in flavors like chocolate, chocolate chip cookie,

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C-H-U-R-C-H, or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.com slash church for $5 off. Welcome back to church! What's up you savages? Here I am again, co-hosting with my main man, Leesayat. What's up you savages here I am again co-hosting with my main man Lee Syatt what's up dog? I'm happy to see you dude. I'm happy to see you too.

Where are the glasses? What fucking glasses? You have these sunglasses coming in. No not those. Oh my sunglasses. I put them away. You don't wear sunglasses inside like an asshole. I don't know.

At some point we'll have to break those are pretty cool. I don't wear glasses. I just had them because the sun was beaming today and I had good glasses in the car. When I went to take them out, they fell. So I had to go in my fucking middle compartment and take those glasses out. And when I put them out, they were missing a lens. All right? So I'm missing a fucking lens now.

I'm doing 80 on Route 3 with a missing fucking lens. I put my hand in there and I gotta go through change and loose joints and fucking loose edibles and I found the fucking sunglasses. Like that's a one in a million. That is crazy. And I put it in and I drove the rest of the way with it and the traffic was easy.

It was nice but we're getting more snow tomorrow. Give me one sec, it's not working. What the fuck? Watch No Tomorrow. Give me one sec, it's not working. What the fuck? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Take two. Because you're slipping.

No. Sunblock. But I've been looking at that for 20 years. What makes a girl that's fucking hotter than fuck? I mean, this girl was torture. She would come to the comedy store and talk to me about shit like comedy. Like I went here tonight, I went here tonight. If I could just do a showcase, I would do anything.

And I go, well, I'll get you a fucking showcase, but you gotta suck my dick. And this girl's like, I'll do anything. I'm like, okay. I would walk her to the phone. That didn't work. You had to dial 9 to get out. I didn't know the code.

And I'd pick up the phone and just dial. And go, let me get Dave back here three hours. And she'd go, you're going three hours? I go, Dave, Joe Diaz, when are we doing that showcase? I got a girl here who's gonna rock it. Talk, there was nobody on the other line. There's nobody on the other line. And I'm like, next Wednesday, eight o'clock, can you be at eight o'clock?

I'll be here dressed up, okay, eight o'clock. And she would come upstairs and suck my dick. This happened like three times. Then she came one night and she goes, do you wanna do coke? I'm like, yeah. And she goes, what can you get me for a hundred bucks I'll get you like 720s I got a 720s I gave it to her and she goes no no we're not gonna do it here let's do it at my

house I looked at it straight in the face dog and I go if I come to your house I'm putting you to work tonight she goes what do you mean I go you're sucking dick you're taking it up the ass and she's like well I have my period and I'm like oh fuck I gotta do the coke anyway. I went back with her. I got to the point where I was just getting blow jobs from her and licking her ass home. She got a hemorrhoid to boot.

So I put a little coke rock on that motherfucker. You did not. This went on for like a year with this broad. I wouldn't see her for a week. And then she'd come into the store, suck my dick, swallow swallow buy me a drink it was fucking it and every week was I came last Wednesday but you weren't here we were here we were up there I didn't go upstairs oh I got her again how about

next Wednesday down here and this went on you got an after a while you knew she wasn't that dumb she just wanted to suck dick her parents own like a fucking resort in fucking Louisiana or something like that. She drove like a BMW. Jesus Christ. So what the fuck was wrong there? Ready? Yeah, and the intro was fine.

Just afterwards. Just a couple of seconds, yeah. All right, let's go, you ready? Yep. We're here! Uncle Joey's here, my main man Lee, the co-host of Dut, how was the weekend there? I had a great weekend. What'd you do? I did, well, my main man Lee, the co-host of Duck. How was the weekend there? I had a great weekend.

What'd you do? I did, well, my show got postponed, which sucks, but I went and saw Russell Peters, which was really fucking cool. He was at the Beacon. And then I'm not fucking mush. That's what I have to announce. I did well yesterday. You did?

Or two days ago. I did well at the Super Bowl. Okay. Yeah. I got lucky on a couple of, like they had one for like, since it was like Taylor Swift, they'd won if they score 22 points in a quarter, it was like five to one. I got defensive touchdown twice.

I had just any defensive touchdown and then I had each team. So I got like, I turned like 200 into 700. I had a great fucking day. It was in me yesterday. Yeah. Oh, dude, I was so ready to fucking lose. I told people, oh, hey, just I'm going to, I went on, I did a live Philly. I told people just bet opposite me and you'll probably win. And for the first time ever, I did okay. I'm so happy for Philly. And it was like, it was from the very beginning that they were just destroying.

I knew it. I knew that for them to win, I had to be NFC East football. You gotta go in there and go after the fucking quarterback. That's it. That's NFC East football. The Giants, the Redskins, the fucking Cowboys, and those fucking idiots.

It's fucking NFC East football. You're biting, you're scratching. That's what the NFC was always about. I think somewhere in all the softness of football, you know, the hate and love. Hey, listen, it's football. I got to hate you during the game. I got to hate you for an hour. What are you talking about? Right. What are you talking about? I'm going to rip your fucking lungs out. What are you talking about? There's no love here. After the game, I gotta hate you for an hour. What are you talking about? Right. What are you talking about? I'm going to rip your fucking lungs out.

What are you talking about? There's no love here. After the game, we do the hug. Yeah, yeah. I make more money than you do. The whole fucking deal. You know, it's all the fake hugs and shit. It's like being in LA.

Like, they don't love each other. No. I didn't think that was going to happen, though. I thought I was just going to be like a huge, like, I was hoping everybody scored. I thought it was going to be a good game. I didn't everybody scored I thought it was gonna be a good game I didn't think Philly was gonna get in their ass like that you know I didn't like that they kept going to Shaquon Barkley they get it they get it I'm gonna go to Barkley

enough I wish that I wish he did anything and that's the only where the only place I lost money even in the fourth they were winning by 80 and they're still he's still running fucking get him out that's it it's over he's gonna get killed for no fucking reason. He's going into the mouth to fucking death. You know it's real I'm an old fucking man and there's a difference when you're watching football when I watch the Super Bowl now I get it. I get it because what you don't understand even the news is entertainment.

The news makes money on commercials does it not? Yeah a thousand percent. They're an entertainment company. They have to entertain you with their, they put it together. Like the other day I switched governments. I went from ABC World News tonight, there was like a hockey game, so I couldn't watch World News, so I went to Channel 4. It's the same fuck with Jose Diaz. I'm watching it, they're like, Jose, Jose's got a big fucking head. I'm like, this fucking guy's name is Jose, then they called him Jose Diaz, and I lost it.

I'm like, fuck, I gotta do something about my head. So, and it's the same fucking formula. They tell you all the bad news, up front, and then at the end, here's the kid who found the drum amid the fire in California. You see a little kid playing his drum. You know, it's the same formula. Right. It's all the same.

Last week, they put on a oh, listen to the unmatched. I love when they do this because only white people fall for this. OK, when they go, we found the lost Tina Turner. Listen, that thing was lost for a reason. They put that in the back of the safe for a fucking reason. It was like one of those things that she's like, let's release this like, not right now. Right now, we'll get that later on.

It's like a Yoko Ono fucking song. Put it in the back, we'll get it. And then you hope she dies before she ever brings it up again, and then they die. And then some fucking agent goes in there and goes oh let's release it and make 10 you're not gonna make it it's a bunch of yelling if tina turner getting beat up by ike yelling you know what i mean i don't need that shit nobody wants that shit anymore and i love tina turner i'm not saying nothing bad about

but all that like we found three more beetle songs. They're terrible. The Beatles put out everything, Backwater, Cookies. They were like Elvis. If you hear Elvis had a missing song, trust me, it's bad. Well now, I don't know if there's obviously gonna be missing stuff, but I saw that Scorsese is doing this mini series for Fox Nation, like the Fox Nation app. And I have nothing against Fox,

but that's who's coming up with an app now. And their pay, they gave Scorsese however many millions of dollars. And now it's gonna... I hear you are the director of Zero, fucking doing a podcast. I know. It's a fucking expel.

The fuck is going on with your life? You should be creating your own app. You should be Rupert fucking Lease. If you let me do any of the ideas, I've given you high. You see Rupert at the fucking, at the game yesterday, the owner of Fox, sitting there with an Asian bitch.

He had bitches behind him, bitches to the left of him. That dog is old, but he could still hunt. Because with that type of money, you just get a prosthetic dick like that. I just get like a two-foot dick. Everybody's getting yum-yums. Because everybody, listen, they're doing something, right? They're making men into women. In some country, Sweden, they gotta have like a, do you want a black dick that's white? 30 million. Oh, you want to like get like a transplant of black dick onto him?

Fuck, but white, you know. Oh, right, of course, yeah, of course. That's Rupert Murdoch, he can't show up with a black dick at that age. No, no, that'd be terrible. I'm sure whoever's there would walk away if it was black. Yeah, those guys don't give a fuck. Rupert Murdoch don't give a fuck if he cheats on his wife.

He don't even know his wife is anymore. That's how much money he's got. Who's his wife? I don't even know. I don't think she cares. No! No, she's still ill. He's 90.

90 years old. Whatever the fuck he is. Oh, but it doesn't matter. Just imagine. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He was married to what's-his-name for a while Rupert Murdoch was married to Mick Jagger's ex-wife for a while The Texan chick the big Texan Jesus

Jerry Hall look it up. Somebody was married to Jerry Hall some big motherfucker after Mick Jagger Jerry Hall came along married another tycoon. I think it was Rupert Murdoch. It's like that chick, you ever get that girlfriend that? Yeah, Rupert Murdoch. Yeah, told you. Told you.

And she left with more money than Mick Jagger. She's like, fuck Mick, fuck Mick. I can take Mick's money and shove it up my ass. This is big money. Rupert Murdoch was fucking Jerry Hall. Damn. That's what I like when women go, I'm sick of rich guys.

It's time to date regular guys. Oh, well wait till he splits a check with you. Wait till he splits a check. Wait till you have to go and you drink the low class wine. After about a month, you're like, we're going back to those rich dudes because this is bullshit. Did you see Bill Belichick got his girlfriend in the Dunkin' Donuts commercial? Doug, that's what old pimps do.

That's what old pimps do. She's like 24, 25. Yeah. Doug, I'm the only fucking old pimp that lives at home with his wife and has a kid and goes to basketball games like a half a fag. If I had a brain in my head, I'd be on a boat right now. Get my balls, like throwing people off the boat Epstein style. You know what I'm saying? Like,

would it be the same people? Would you look, would they lick your balls and then you throw them off the boat or two separate groups of people? No, I'm like fucking then Yahoo. You, you, they suck their dick. Then you kill them. There's no diddy tapes. There's no, nobody's going to come back and, I was on his boat. You were not on his boat, you're dead.

You know what I'm saying? Nobody talks about Netanyahu or his bitches because he kills them all. Do you think Diddy's, he must be upset about that. Who? Diddy, he must have wished he killed all of them. Listen, I don't wanna talk about Diddy. We got so many good things in the fucking

World to talk about and you want to talk about that fucking more You know that fucking I didn't bring up did he? Murdoch Difference Rupert Murdoch and did he two different fucking deals. I had to have a hell of a fucking weekend I gotta tell you guys about so Everything was good. It was like being on a strip club. Everything was good She were in love then I ran out of dollar bills once you run out of dollar bills The whole night's over you gotta you break that rhythm. You know I'm saying right?

Give me a 20 by the time she comes over. She's talking to Julio down by the schoolyard You're like what the fuck and now that he broke the hole What we talking about? Yeah, your weekend, it was like a strip club. So everything was going good. I fucking get a call from my doctor. She's like, listen, you got to come in for me to prescribe you this prescription you need. And I'm like, I'm not going in there. I was like fighting. I'm like, just give it it because she'd have an appointment to like March fucking 30th. I'm like That's not gonna work. You know, I go forget it. I came out of hospital two weeks. I called you motherfuckers You told me to call back this week and now you're telling me again. You have no appointments for me

She goes where you need this. I go. What do you want me to do? Where the fuck you want me to get it? I gotta wait to whatever she goes Where the fuck you want me to get it? I gotta wait till whatever. She goes, ah. She goes, okay, I got you an appointment for tomorrow. I knew you had fucking appointments. You're just holding them out on me. Fuck you motherfuckers.

So when I got down there, she's like Joey, your lung, but I saw something else. And she goes, let me touch it. And she started touching me and I fucking popped up in the air. And she goes, I want you to go home, pack a bag and go to the hospital. You have diverticulitis. So I fucking did up in the air and she goes I want you to go home pack a bag and go to the hospital You have diverticulitis

So I fucking did exactly what she said went to the hospital packed my bag. I Was just there for five fucking nights. It was great. It was a fucking I'd tell anybody to go to the hospital It was tremendous, but I didn't forget that you have good weeks in life and you got bad weeks in life so fucking I'm there Wednesday, Thursday, they're gonna send me home Friday. And Friday morning I get a fucking Instagram from Paulie Toons and he sends me a cartoon of me talking about being in the hospital when I was 16 at Christ Hospital and the guy next to me had a stroke on the side that makes the shit of your body so he couldn't shit.

So I was in there with him for like two days like, ah, ah, ah. And they finally, like on a Friday night, they came in with a fucking, a court gun. And they weren't ready for it. And they put it up his ass and they started shooting the water. And all of a sudden shit started coming out everywhere. He hadn't taken a shit in like four or five days, this poor bastard. He was overflowing. Oh no.

His whole side was draining like the hip, the hip. You could hear it on them going, oh, get towels and all this shit. Get towels. So they put me in like a clean room and that was it. But I get this Friday morning in the hospital. I'm like, this is fucked up. And I got a Mexican guy next to me,

the nicest Mexican guy I ever met. His family came, they brought fucking Mexican food. I gave them oranges. Everybody was fucking happy. It was a fucking... Because I steal shit from the back, so I'll be giving them Rice Krispies. Mexicans love taking Rice Krispies home. I don't know what it is.

So about 8.30, they throw him out of the hospital. The fucking Mexican dude. And I'm like, oh shit, but Friday night, I also, Thursday night, I said, fuck this. The last time I came to the hospital, I played sober Joe. This time I'm not doing that shit. So I ate 300 milligrams on Thursday night. I was fucked up.

You got fucked up off 300? Oh, like we do here on Mondays. OK. I fucking put the earphones on. I had Led Zeppelin on. I had a basketball game on. I was writing. Don't you guys see that notebook?

I wrote like 55 pages of shit. Nice. Thank god. And I looked up. There's two things I could read. It's like hieroglyphics. I thought it was like fucking that Chinese book that came out today.

Same hieroglyphics and shit. So I'm sitting there Friday and I go, fuck this, I'm taking 400 milligrams. So I pop all four of those motherfuckers. There's one left, I save it for Lee. Thank you. Because I'm a Christian. I'm sitting there on fire and I hear this commotion, stop here. And some guy again, oh, oh, oh.

Like, fuck. I take my earphones off. Hold on, I could tell something's going on in my room. They bring him in and he's like, lady, before you put me in the bed, I have to go number two again. The guy's like fucking 80. And they had to flip him over and shit

and the whole thing. Then he shit again. He shit three times in the wheelchair before he even got on the bed. Right now I'm sitting there going, I need this. I just popped some medibles, everything was beautiful. It's like now you see the correlation between the stripper and now everything was beautiful. I had a flow going and that's it. That's it. And now this guy, so they finally put him in bed, he don't

touch the bed, he shits it again. It's 930 and now it smells like fucking exit 11 in my room and I'm in the corner. So you got nowhere to go. This ass is coming at me. So I got like a cape on, like a little fucking- And wait, is all you had that little like curtain between you? The curtain between me? That's all you had for the smell? That's it. Oh no.

I got the cape they put on you with the ass out. I never put those on. I got sweats and sneakers in that motherfucker. I ain't got time for no cape with my asshole out. So I put that on around my head like a Turkish dude. Just so I wouldn't smell this shit. Wait, you put the hospital gown around your head? Fuck yeah, I left the eyes out like fucking, you know me, like Alibaba in the footy piece.

I don't give a fuck, Jeff. Why is there no picture of this? Because I wasn't gonna take a selfie to look like Alibaba. And next thing you know, people think I joined ISIS, and that's a whole fucking, so it's about 1130. I get out of the room Had a pastrami sandwich, so I fucking went out in the hallway and ate it. I don't want to smell that shit all night

I come back about 1130 quarter to 12. He's kind of like oh I laid down And also next to cuz in the hospital it's not gonna drive up here today. I'm home all day. I'm home all day. When do the doctors call you when you're in the car? They don't want information. Like, can I get the information?

Listen, I'm on Route 3 with sunglasses on, you know what I'm saying? Cutting people off, I ain't got time to go to my wallet. I sat there all day waiting for your motherfuckers to call, and you call at 5 o'clock, you know, as usual. That whole system, they bother you when you least expect it. So I'm fucking sitting there and I'm like, I'm too high to even go to sleep. So they start with their bullshit. Hi, Mr. Diaz, we're here to check your vitals.

That's the fucking, the oxygen and the blood pressure. Then they prick your fucking finger and get blood out of it for sugar test. She comes in and she's got the machine away from me. Right? It's about midnight maybe. So I can't see the numbers, but I see her go. And also she's on a walkie talkie and a bunch of white people come in my room. I got like three white people, two black people, an African lady, a Filipino lady.

And they're like, what could be going on? And they're like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm okay. What's going on? They're like, your blood pressure's 190 over 100 and your oxygen level's at 88. How are you even standing? And I got up and I'm like, I'm fine. I'm tip-topping.

And they're like, we don't know what's going on. We have to call the head surgeon. How are you even standing and I got up and I'm like I'm fine. I'm tip-top We have to call the head surgeon And I'm still thinking I know what's going on. I got 400 milligrams of me bitch. That's what's going on So now I know what does to you. It raises your blood pressure lowers your oxygen level. So we're good. Oh good Did you tell them this at any point fuck no, I'm gonna let them guess I'm gonna let them call Mars I'm having them call China for medical information. He was fine all day. Your blood pressure was 140 over 80.

And all of a sudden now it's 198 over 100. What is going on? I'm like, I don't know. I tortured them, but then they tortured me because that fucking dude shit again. About one. I was gonna say, he was making a reappearance. Dog, they flipped him over and the bucket fell.

So now there was shit juice all over the fucking floor. I didn't say a word. You know me, I usually fucking go, what the fuck is this? I'm going home, call an Uber. I didn't say a word. I just wanted to get healthy. I was up all night. But the clinker is, like I was asleep but up.

I had the blanket on, I had earphones on, I had the sleep apnea mask on. I would listen to music because I was asleep but up I had the blanket on I had earphones on I had to sleep at me a mascot I will listen to music because I was so fucking high and they kept coming in asking me creepy questions Like at 2 30 they woke me up to ask me how much I weighed not all I want And I asked I said can I ask you a question? So this question came to you 340 at 240 in the morning. You just decided let me wake up Joey to see what he weighs and how tall he is. Then they'll come in again like a four. Like we need to take more blood out of your finger.

Why? I haven't eaten a fucking thing. I've been sitting here burning on edibles because I can't walk out because the shit fog is on the wall. Finally, at seven, I got up tiptoed by way of that bathroom and I took the most fucking, the best shower I've ever taken because I knew there was shit particles in the air. The guy's been shitting for 10 hours every fucking 15 minutes.

There's gotta be some type of shit particles in the air. So I took a nice shower, I walked out, you could still smell the shit. The breakfast camera go, nah, nah, nah, we're not eating in here. Take them out, I don't want shit on my eggs and fuck me up. Feces, pieces all over the fucking place.

Feces, fucking pieces out of it. Aggravating. You go to a hospital, relax. Not to get tortured. That's what they do to you in those hospitals. They torture me, and it's a great hospital. I love them to death. They called today and I gave them all 10 stars. That's not the first. And then the one day we got this, listen, if Jews put an ugly woman on this planet, this was the one. She was there when I checked into the big room,

a two man room. She was the ugly, she had those eyes, like she had been in fucking Gaza for 200 days, she was a hostage, she had like a black towel around her head, she had the stockings, she was a stinky, but I don't think she was full on. Right, only partially. So this fucking bitch, I go upstairs and I go, thank God I'm in my room, and I start taking my shampoo out, my wife dropped off, and she goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm taking a shower. She goes, no you can't.

I go, what do you mean? I go, I'm taking a shower. She goes, no, you can't. I go, what do you mean I can't take a shower? She goes, you can't take a shower when we get doctor's orders. That's gonna take about three hours. I go, I gave him that Bronxoline, that's three hours, too many. I'm going in right now.

And she's like, but you can't, the doctor's orders. I said, the doctor hasn't given me no order I've been in the fucking hospital for 27 hours. There's some odors coming out of me I'm taking a shower bro. This one lady who ain't got security and as she was walking into security. I walked into the shower They banged on the door for like three minutes the shower's on can't hear you I Came out there waiting for me and shit, they're like, you can't do this. The doctor go, listen, there was a,

I didn't say it in front of the ugly Jewish chick, I said it to the guy. I go, why don't you get the doctor to come up here and sniff my nutsack. He'll give you an order. To take me in there and bathe me. My nut was rotten on the left side. From laying on that, you have that,

sometimes you got pee around your dick, that's one thing. You can wipe it off. But if you got that nut, slam, you have it and it's on your hand and then you can't wipe it off your leg because it just slicks. That's what I had. I'm not embarrassed to say it. That's why I take three showers a day.

Because I know that's what comes out of my left nut juice. Because I lay on my left side. I figured it out. Right. I paint the pictures just before or after this guy shit himself. This is way before he came. All right. So this is pretty OK. Holy shit. Oh, my God. And yeah, because you going 27 hours without a shower never happens.

Dog. Come on. I took like three Puerto Rican ones. I got the hot towel and you wipe your armpits in between your balls but that don't do it because you gotta use soap and fucking dubs and elbow grease and your skin is dry you know your skin I took my pants off right fucking it went poof from my legs how dry they were I need a fucking shower right put some cream on these fucking stilts. Dude I've been with you once like once many times like we've done something in the morning had lunch went back to your house I'm like I gotta take a shower. Oh, yeah

That's what a shower is for to use it not to look at it go. Oh, it's a nice shower The fuck you got to get in there, right? You got to wash that ass 24 hours without washing your ass right and maybe one or two shits it starts to ferment Oh, yeah, it starts to ferment Oh, yeah, it's not to ferment it turns into something else. That's where you get mushrooms and Hemorrhoids and all the dirty shit around your ass when you don't wash your fucking ass. How excited are you to get let's be like 70 and 75 and like just really torturing doctors I'm not excited at all. No, no, I'm still thinking about all the people I can torture now.

Right. I got people that call me every day that just, they're looking to get tortured. And I'm such a Christian now, I just let them off the hook. That's really nice of you. Bet your ass. What did you do to that guy who was shitting himself into?

Nah, he was a knight, listen, it's not as tough. Did you give him something to stop him up or anything? I kept saying, you want me to bring you something? He's like, everything goes through me. That's why. Because I had to connect in the back. I get coffees, I get the cereals, I get the fucking turkey sandwiches. That night I got so high, I must have eaten four turkey sandwiches. The night he shit himself?

No, the night before that when I ate the three edibles. Oh my God. I ate so much in there. I had these turkey sandwiches that are delicious. Don't eat the ham sandwiches. But you eat the ham sandwich while you're eating it, you're like, thank God I'm in the hospital. I don't have to go far if this shit goes sour.

But the turkey sandwich is unreal. And I got that divertilitis, whatever the fuck that is. Isn't that what what's the UFC fighter had? Yeah, but yeah, like he had to take a surgery. I'm trying to avoid the surgery. So I got to stop eating seeds. I can't eat fucking red crushed pepper. I got to eat the correct powder now. Oh, damn.

Hey, it's better than having surgery. That's right. And this is what happens. This is the evolution of man. All you young guys are like, why am I listening to this conversation? Because one day this is going to be you. Do you think I was going to have these conversations? Not at all.

I thought I was going to be dead when I was 37. And I was good with that. I was good with that. I'm like, I don't need shit. But it didn't work out. I thought I was going to die during Y2K. Because of Y2K? I really did.

I really did. I'm like, I'm going to die. Like the year 2000, like about a month or two, and I'll die. OK. And I never died. So I'm here. What would happen? Let's say when you got to the year 2000,

and you were like June, and you were still alive. Did you pick a new day? I was in shock. Did you pick it like, all right, it's going to be 2006? The funny thing was, I didn't die, and I ended up meeting my wife in wife. I mean, yeah June of 2000 Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, I was on the road And then if you think about you said you said I wouldn't make the 50 and then you had mercy

I was on the road that year from November. I didn't get back to April That's awesome And I only had three weeks booked When I left everything else was fallout from the road. And I worked every weekend. Wasn't the money I wanted, but I worked constantly. That's, and you were just taking a bus? Was that that?

Fuck no. No? I was with a girl in a car. Oh, okay, that was that one. And I had to throw her clothes away because she would put her clothes in the back seat and I'd be smoking cigarettes and I'd fling them out the window.

So I thought, and when we get to the destination, I look at the back and her shirt So for years she would always tell me I don't know what happened to those three shirts they just Burned holy shit. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did in the hospital, especially now hearing it. Like both times I was surprised that you lasted as long as you did. And then this time to hear, cause you don't do well with weird smells, like even, like even a little bit. Sandals, little things just tick me off. Ranch dressing. Then the one day they brought me salad with ranch dressing.

I almost went off. I almost went off. Then the next day they brought me no salad, but with the right salad dressing. Wait, they brought you no salad, but they brought dressing? They brought me no salad. Okay. But dude, the fact that you survived, even just take out the dude's shitting, because that's actually kind of, at some point,

did it get funny? At some point, did he start to laugh? Listen, when you're in a hospital room, you think you're on true TV and that people are just fucking with you. It's like before when I got in the car, I was in the car at 10 minutes. I just got the gas.

I just hit the fucking nine. I'm just hitting the Jersey Turnpike North and this lady decides to call me. And she she got put me on hold and she wants to ask Me questions and what medications are you taking? Listen, do you see my wife in the fucking car? If my wife's not in the car, I don't know what I'm taking. You could throw off the names at me I'm taking everything. Yeah, believe they hit you with all this shit. You're like guys I don't even know what's in that cup in the morning. My wife puts a cup on top of the table with pills. I just drop it.

I take the other one on my own. I take one downstairs on my own. And I take the ones at night on my own. But the breakfast one, it's too many. Right. So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But you were saying when you're in the hospital, it feels like True TV, I asked if it ever got funny. Oh, yeah, some points. I look around listen

What saves me is my sense of humor even though I don't have one What do you mean? You don't have I don't have a sense of humor like that like most people like they oh what happens? No, don't yeah, you know, are you waking me up at 230? It's not all I am. What am I dying? You call the cast company? You waking me up at 2 30 and see how tall I am. What am I dying? You calling the casket company? You know the casket company? I'm like what the fuck?

You gotta sit there and go, what the fuck was that about? That's gotta be a fucking Candid Camera Minute. That's got to be a Candid Camera Moment. Did they really just literally like shake you like Mr. D and Mrs. D is? Dog, they ask you questions. The one day I got this fine little african chicken there that takes vitals. I mean this girl was a sweetheart and she was beautiful to boot

And she's taking my vitals at six thirty in the morning We're kicking it. We're doing great. I'm playing fucking music for cuban music and shit talking about nigeria Yeah, where all the saints came from and fucking, three people just marched into my fucking deck. A woman and two fucking like little assistants with the pads. You ever see that when a woman walks in and she got two little fags with pads?

This bitch just comes into my room. Now the blood pressure machine is here, the chick is here and the TV is here She just walked into the TV into my space. Hi, mr. Diaz. I'm dr. Doolittle This is whack and crack over here these two fucking blow and ho That's who these are and she's like doesn't even say that to me, starts touching my stomach. And I'm like, okay, you know, and then she's like, hold on, take his pulse.

Well, lady, all of a sudden the bell goes off and my blood pressure's one fucking 75 over 90. She's like, it's a bit high this morning. I go, first off, look at you and look at me. Why are you there? Back! Back! Back! You came in here while she, a doctor, a surgeon came in here while she testing my blood. No respect for this poor fucking girl

and no respect for me. Just barged in here with your college educated ass and started like you know. Right. And that's my blood. I go step back. 140 over fucking 80. I go, do you see, I mean, you're a fucking surgeon. Right. There's days I was in there giving blood and there's other motherfuckers coming in trying to give you like another needle or back rub.

And you're like, enough, let's do this first. Right. When they all come in they come in like uh you know when you pull your car in when a race and all of a sudden everybody comes out right that's what it looks like it's like we don't it's not a race fuck this ain't a fucking race why is there nine people in here well let me touch your legs why now i got a thing on my arm. I got an IV over here. It's What it's it's humorous man, right? Oh, yeah, it's humorous that well that that that does sound funny I would have I've laughed it I've laughed in public bathrooms when people fart I'm a little kid like I like if that dude was shitting himself. There's a zero percent Listen listen, let me tell you something else.

Because in life you don't know how this sounds. See when we shit at home, we shit into a toilet. And then it's like bloop and every once in a while we get the 3D experience where the water hits you in the ass, right? Or you go to wipe your ass and your hand hits the shit or the water. You went a little too deep and now you got the black hand stain over here. All right. But that's completely different guys

than if you shit in a bucket and listen to the bucket fall. And hear the shit, because as soon as it hit, I go, oh, that shit water. That ain't Agua de Olympia. That's not, you know, it's like when puke hits. When puke hits a floor, you know what it sounds like. And if you're not watching it, listening to it, it's completely different.

So when I heard that bucket flip over, it wasn't like a metal bucket. Whatever the fuck they put you in, like a little baby bucket, and the bucket flipped, when that thing went, and it hit, and I heard the nurse go, oh no. You know? You know?

Yeah. Oh no. Yeah, that's, oh. That's it. That's, that's, so when I heard that, that's the first time I was like, that's real. That's real. And I'm gonna walk in it and I'm gonna be fucking pissed. I put on two of those little hospital socks they give you with the little, with little alligators on the bottom

so you won't slip. I don't think they would have done anything. Those are still cloth socks. They what? Those are still cloth. Yeah, but I put two on just in case because you stepped on one of those little nuggets. It don't matter.

You ever step on one of your own nuggets or the cat's nuggets? It's not good. You've stepped on shit before? Yeah. In what scenarios there's shit on the floor? I went to get up to wipe my ass. A little yum yum dropped the floor? I went to get up to wipe my ass, a little yum yum and dropped the floor

and I fucking backed into it. It was on my heel, I didn't even know. You smell something funny. Cause that's another thing. When you shit in the toilet, it smells like what it smells like. Go cut that motherfucker with a knife and leave it in there. It opens up the airways.

That's why when shit breaks in half, it smells so bad. Plus if he's 80 something and having like an issue, I don't think there's anything to cut in half. I feel like it's like all... Listen, I don't know what his diet is. All right. I didn't follow him around like fucking muck and huck. They took you out of that room, you said, after that happened?

No, I abandoned shit. I got up that morning at seven and told them what time it was. I'm like get the paperwork ready. They're like yeah we're gonna go home. The doctor came in a little Arab guy, sweetheart, and he goes we discharge you. And he goes everything good. I didn't say nothing. I didn't make a scene. I made a scene when they told me I'd be out by 12 and it was 1.15 and I was still sitting there and this guy's still going oh, oh, oh. I'm like, come on, enough. It's sunny out, my fucking legs are swollen, because I would walk around all the time in the hospital.

I walk every hour. You gotta move around that motherfucker. That's what, you're gonna die there. Oh shit, emergency was great. The first day I got to emergency, like an hour in there was already a fist fight. I'm going, four cops had to fuck some dude up. And then he was like in there, he was like,

ah, fuck you, you're not a doctor, get out of my face. And all of a sudden I heard 25, you know, like somebody who's 25 milligrams or something. Oh no. And I heard him yell, ah! Ah! And that was it, I went over and checked on him, he had blood all over his fucking thing.

A fist fight in the, Did you see the fistfight? I heard it. I heard a couple punches thrown and... Fucking wheels from a little chair spinning around, you know. All that fun shit. Jesus. I can't imagine getting into a fistfight in the emergency room. That's the best place to get into a fistfight. You're right there. I guess you're right. Fuck.

It's a crazy world out there, Lee. Yeah. People get into fist fights in a lot of fucking places. I've never been in an emergency room fist fight, but that's the most second most exciting place in the world next to Disneyland. To get into a fist fight? Just go to emergency room Manhattan. Yeah. Sit there for a few hours with a camera.

That's a fucking art, that's a podcast. Yeah, no you're right. The people walking, bleeding, shot, fucking yelling. That's a podcast. 15 minute podcast, me and the emergency, every week you go to a different emergency room. Could you imagine asking someone while they're fucking like, ah, ah.

What happened? Get the fuck out of here. No, you're not going to ask nobody. You're just a quiet spectator. That's the name of the podcast. The Quiet Spectator. Some nights you go to court, go to Midnight Court downtown and see what comes in there at midnight. Do you think they still have Midnight Court? They got to have something. Jesus. Have you, they have a bunch of that on Zoom now, court. Yeah, but it ain't the same. No.

I'm gonna sit there and zoom in much. You gotta sit there and get the action, the odors. You know what I'm saying? The guy comes in stabbed, you want to smell the blood. Oh yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Midnight.

So I didn't feel like I was gonna get stabbed. That's why I was hoping. Why do you keep asking? I don't want to get stabbed, I don't want to get hit in the head. People send me messages now like, have you gotten mugged yet? No, I don't want to get mugged. You're going to get mugged eventually. Please stop saying that.

If they mugged fucking Jerry Rocha, they're going to mug you. I go to- You got mugged twice. They took his jacket. They took his jacket? Yeah, you got to walk home with no jacket. I don't have that kind of jacket. I don't have nice jackets.

They don't care. Two dollars is two that kind of jacket. I don't have nice jackets. They don't care. They don't care. Two dollars is two dollars. You know what I'm saying? That's all they need. Fuck. So be careful.

Always wear under linings. Under linings? Yeah, like a fucking Arctic t-shirt and Arctic pants. Oh, that'll really help. You know what they make you take your pants off and now you got protection underneath. We're gonna take a break with that one. Poor Lee couldn't handle that one. You know, they make you take your pants off now you got protection underneath We're gonna take a break with that one poorly couldn't handle that one. I don't know where to go from there

We'll be back bitches. Hey uncle Joey here listen if you want a nicotine pouch, it's gonna rock your world I'm talking about rock Your World. Look no further than Nick. Nick Pouch's come in 10 awesome flavors, from Christmas to exotic tropical fruits. They're available in three, six, or 12 millis. You know what I'm saying? AKA milligrams. So you can choose your own adventure. Me, I like this little berry lemon ice. Are you kidding me or what?

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So if you're under age teen, take a hike. Every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Thank you for watching and supporting the church. I want to thank Nick for always supporting the church. We're back bitches. We got my fucking special guest tonight.

He's the guy here cracking up in the back all the time, giggling, having a good time. My fucking nephew, Nicky A. AKA Nicky Porkchops. AKA Nicky, we're gonna go get some pork chops after this. We're gonna get peppers, potatoes, and onions. Are you kidding me? They got the Rhode Island Nice Tea?

The Rhode Island- Clam chowder. Clam chowder on a fucking Monday night? Stop it! Come on. What's up, dog? Having a great night. How about you, Ron? How you doing?

Always. Listen, let's give some background here so you motherfuckers know. I didn't just pick him up at some fucking Thai bar. You know what I'm saying? One of my friends brought a guy in Thailand and shit. I grew up with his family You know next week we're gonna have like in two weeks got a friend of mine Dennis is coming in and then we got another villo coming in and You know if you say anything to Dennis Calangelo, I always talk about mr. Ascleys. You've heard me talk about Mr. Ascley's, Mr. Ascley's, Mr. Ascley's.

This is his grandson. And I grew up with his uncles and his aunts and his mother. And during the pandemic, I don't want to leave the fucking house. I got a call from his uncle. He's like, hey, you got to do me a favor. My nephew Nick is there. He's looking to see the devil. He says he wants to meet me.

I'm like, during the fucking pandemic, he brought that shit from New York? Cause I was still petrified. In June, I'm like, I don't want to talk to nobody from New York. And cause this fucking guy who went skiing. The Jew. The Jewish guy, that motherfucker.

He was probably, he's probably the ugly Jew's father down in the hospital there. So, fucking, you know, I went to meet him and I was like, wow, this is tremendous. And I came back and I moved back there he was and you know, he's an adopted nephew the same way his family adopted me 45 fucking moons ago. So, this is a different generation. Like sometimes when he hears me talk, he's like, what the fuck is he talking about? You know, there's nobody getting mugged in Hudson County Park no more. Well, at one time there was. It's funny because every Monday

I come up here and the wave sends me on a different route. And on every route, no matter what, I could find places I robbed, places I ran out of, places I live on fire. I'm like, oh my God, I robbed that place. I didn't know it was a pizza joint now. My first burger on my right. Yeah. It really is fucking crazy. Every time I drive on Tunley Avenue, a new memory comes to me.

I'm like, I'm never going to say that shit. They have that in New York. You could do that. Like, have those guys that do like the double decker buses that do the tours around. You can pick up people into the Joey Diaz tour of Northern New Jersey. Last week, two weeks ago,

I'm at home watching New Jersey 12. I'm waiting for the weather. That's a little, little news station here in New Jersey. And that was the day the fucking truck went into the K-Mart. Target on Tundley. Target. What went in there? A truck. Some type of truck. A dump truck went into the thing. And they're showing it on TV so I'm thinking about all the shit I did there. I'm thinking about a time when there was a path mark there when I was a kid. And we got caught

and we were gonna rob the gas station but to rob a gas station I needed something. A gun. I didn't have a gun station, I needed something. A gun? I didn't have a gun. So I go, fuck it. I call my friend. I go, let me go to Pathmark and rob a gun, and we'll tape it, and then we'll go up there like a water pistol. A water pistol, right?

We'll tape it. Why I get caught robbing a gun? I didn't even make it out of a box. Why not just buy the water gun? Because I went all A. When you go all A, you're going all A. You don't have time to spend a dollar on a water pistol. Maybe there wasn't even a dollar lead. You think of that? I apologize. We're not considering.

I still remember arguing with the lady outside crying, telling her my brother died, and I got another big brother that's a target and he needs a gun to shoot himself. And she's like, okay, I'll let you go this time. She was like six foot five, ugly and big. But then I thought about another night, because Tony Lickers used to be that. When I was a kid, it was basically path marked and Tony Lickers was huge.

It was like a supermarket of sins. And you were just running in and out of there? We didn't, we couldn't get served in that. So we would stand outside and see somebody who was going in there, come on, dog, give me a case of beer? We didn't. We couldn't get served in that. So we would stand outside and see somebody who was going in there. Come on, go give me a case of beer. Do me something. But one night we were in there, I'm not going to mention their names. One of my friends goes in with somebody to get a case of beer. He leaves three of us outside and there was a well-known homeless dude in North Bergen at the time. He lived in Hudson County Park and he had leaves all over him and he'd come out like,

like he had like a bum leg. And I'd see him by hash ways. Like today I got pulled up 79th street. So I sat at that light by Gold Coast and I had a stare at hash ways. And I thought of fucking a doozy of a story there. So you just, your mind goes away. You're like, Jesus Christ, people are not going to believe this shit. So we're talking to this homeless dude. We knew him, he would talk to us. Now it's July and he's got like a painter suit on. Like the whole body suit with the zipper up on top. And we're talking to him, it's like three of us, what's going on, bad, ah, ah.

Hey, can you spare a dollar? Yeah, we give him a dollar, but if we gave you a dollar, three of us gave you a dollar, you're gonna get tortured. Like we're gonna tell you we're gay, we wanna suck your dick. So we're talking to this poor bastard back and forth. And my buddy's got a newspaper.

And I go, give me the lighter. Give me the lighter, he goes, what are you gonna do? And I get the newspaper, I burn the newspaper, and I put it in his back pocket. And he's still talking to us in front of Backmark. Like six minutes go by, and you see smoke and a little couple flames, and we're fucking dying. And probably somebody comes up,

she goes, hey you, you're on fire. You're the best. You're the fucking best, I swear. This is torture stories. Like there was a summer we just tortured people. people we get out of the car and just torture people You know we go we stay in Jersey till 3 and then you went into the city And you were in the city at 3 30 in the morning in the village with a mirror on the hood So I'm coke just drinking beers like we own the street and people walk by hey, how are you? Hey nice to see you

Was that the one where like you had like not like a small mirror like you would had a big one Yeah, we robbed the house and it had like those you know those things next to you where you put your like nightcap No in the bedroom Where your alarm clock is it was like one of those things that had a piece of glass So we're like we're not gonna use that take the glass and take the glass You know, but we would stop people like guys would're not gonna use that, take the glass. We'll take the glass. But we would stop people, like guys would come up and go, hey, what are you guys doing?

Nothing. And then we'd talk to them, like, tell me, you want a beer? Yeah, give them a joint, you want a joint? And then we'd start, like, listen, let me ask you something. Have you ever considered being a fag? And they're like, yeah, why? No, why?

You guys fags, all four of us, we're all 220, droolers. And we're like telling this guy, hey, we like to suck dick and shit. And that was every night we did that to some poor best. How long would they last? Like, if I'm smoking a joint with somebody, or like, I would leave pretty quick and eat like- 25 minutes, 30 minutes, and we would keep coming

and sucking our dicks just one time. He wants to suck your dick. Take him out. And we would play it. Like, I wanna suck your dick. And the guy would sit there like, what the fuck?. You know we grew up in your grandfather's house. I mean it's it's I mean you can hear all the stories. I know. But it's hard for you to it was a different time. It was a different time when you know George how many times I walk into the house at two in the morning.

And it was like a fucking party over there. Mom was up. Your grandmother was up. You know it was like a fucking party over there mom was up your grandmother was up You know, it was a different world. Like if my house could change I wanted to be a lady. I can't wait For mercy to get like two years older When they come home at two and they try to creep in you come up like Joe Pesci's mother You guys want to eat and next thing you're cooking a steak My grandma loved to cook they love that shit at two in the morning That does not happen in my house if my wife has to cook something to the more you got a sour Come on man, go watch them water. I love my auntie Terry. Don't do it like it's a party. It's a fucking party get up What the fuck there's eight people in your living room. Come on, you gotta get up. You gotta make eggs, potatoes. Are you waking your wife up to cook?

Yeah, I don't know how to cook. What do I fucking know? Terry's nice, stop. I can see why she might not be that thrilled about it. My wife would fucking have a heart attack 10 times over. My daughter likes getting up in the middle of the night. Like the other night I went to bed, like 11. I got up the next day.

We went somewhere. She's like, did you hear me last night? I go, no, I didn't hear you. She goes, I made some popcorn. I got a recipe offline. What do you mean you got a recipe? And she's telling me that she fried up butter with marshmallows.

And then you put the popcorn in there. And she goes, it didn't work that. I came out like one big brick. I got to eat GED on. So what, cause you just met Joey when he moved back? That's when you met him? No, I know Joey when I was really young, he like, when I was like a baby, he was coming back and forth to North Bergen and I would see him through that.

But then our first like real encounter was when we were in California, when I went over there for COVID. He came from the office. Right, no, no, no. But I'm just trying to like, what, when you got to be older, like middle school, what stories did you hear about Joey? Oh my God.

Everyone in North Bergen knows about Joey Coco Diaz. He was the craziest guy. People my age, they're like, I can't believe that's your uncle. I used to rob my uncle He's the fucking man, it's I'm gonna I'm honored to be here cuz when I was younger I used to watch you guys podcast when you know me and all my friends were like 13 14 We would hear all the real stories and we're like people would ask me like does he really do those things when he was younger I said listen It's a different time now.

He's a different time. That's what people will never comprehend. It was a different fucking time. The mindset was different. You know, kids, we were different. We grew up with that metropolis right across the way, what did you think was gonna happen in a time when New York City was free? Free, you can do whatever. You can do whatever you want. I thought you meant money-wise, it was free. No, not that it was free, okay?

Not that it was free. But it was for the taking. It was, if you wanted to hang out with Puerto Ricans, you go up to Fort Washington. Right, if you wanna hang out with Dominicans, you wanna shoot heroin, you wanna shoot heroin in both legs and have a Chinese chick cluck your ass,

there's a spot in Coney Island. Right under the Ferris wheel. You know, they got everything for you in this town. Everything. And when you're that age and what was going on then, like when we were growing up, listen, I never went there. I'd love to tell people I was there. What was the place where you went into the city and fucked?

Venus Flytrap, remember? You gotta have a couple to go in there. A girl, come on. Plato's Retreat. Plato's Retreat, okay? Shout out to them. You know, when I was a kid, I heard about Plato's Retreat. When you're 12, you're like, I can't wait to go there.

I'm gonna fucking fuck people in every you're 12, you're like, I can't wait to go there. I'm gonna fucking fuck people in every room. No, you're not. Dude, I just did a show with a female comedian, and she told me that they have a place like that that has like a naked comedy show. Oh yeah, they want to go. Have you ever gone to an event that's naked? No.

There's nobody there that you want to see naked. Right. That's the problem. I went to Jamaica to that naked beach. Not a soul. I brought binoculars, a telescope, a pussy finder, there ain't nothing you wanna see. Nothing, okay? Miami, the topless beach, they're throwing some heat.

Some nice titties. But those chicks can't catch you while looking at them. You just can't sit there with a fucking hard on waving. With your dick out, like a pedophile. Yeah, he gets it. So it's a cat 22. Yeah, he gets it. So it's a cat 22. In other words, why go to the naked beach?

Right. And you're no fucking tip top Magoo, neither am I. I don't wanna go nowhere. No, but listen, the only way I would go on the beach is if I had a cold 12 inches, dead, like when it rolled around your leg a little bit. You got the hand move. And it had three different colors to it,

like a Neapolitan ice cream. I just don't think you're at over 12 inches dead. Three different colors to it like the apollitan ice cream I should hang great over 12 inches dead What is it how big is it alive if it's 12 inches dead you gotta you gotta go for 15 Oh early in the morning. That's how you go out with naked beach Oh, you're gonna show me your little six inch guy Within the hour when you start feeling comfortable magumbas gonna show up with 24 inches and inch guy, and within the hour when you start feeling comfortable, Magumba's gonna show up with 24 inches, and there you are under the seat,

with a blanket on again, putting suntan, and your girlfriend's back, making sure she's looking the other way. Don't look that way, it's, you got shot in the dick. I will say this, my funniest encounter with you out in public so far is when we go out to eat every single time. So this one time we're going out and you already know what I'm gonna do.

This Japanese guy comes up to Joey. He goes, hey, are you Joey Diaz? He looks at him and he goes, are you Mr. Otani? That wasn't it. He looks at him he goes, are you mr. Otani? Dude it was almost the only differences is that guy didn't come up to you That guy was sitting across the restaurant as he was leaving you the whole night You're like asking questions and then as he was like nice to see you and then he's like, oh Like is it nice playing for the dog? He's like, and this guy is.

I asked him, do you play for the dog? He's like, no, no, I have a sushi restaurant. He's like, no, I live around here. And then he's like, oh, I thought you were Joe Hale, Johnny. Oh my God. That was so fucking funny. Listen, my generation, they love you. Just know that forever.

Let me explain something to you, man. You know, that whole, and I could say this to, that whole Italian hoboken funny mentality was all over the place. You know, with Quick Widit, like this, your grandmother was quick, dog. She was the king of quick. I heard her say a couple things that were, but a lot of people I grew up in a fucking area where people are naturally

funny. You know, George is naturally funny. These people are fucking naturally funny. Forget about the shit with your uncle. I mean, he was like the nicest kind of world to me growing up. I always went over there and he always young. You know, he was like the nicest kind of in the world to me growing up. I always went over there and he always, you're hungry. You know, I was just thinking about a fucko over here. When we used to have Friday nights, when me and his uncle during the week, I had no money and your uncle would come get me and take me to chants.

When I have no money and you take me to chants, I got a kill for you on a daily basis. Like I got a stab motherfucker. I'm a soldier. You know, we go over and get the steak on the stick, the pork fried rice, the roast pork, Yakame, the slices with the sesame seeds on top and get beers and a zombie.

Look at Lee. I'm ready right now. You have no idea. At the bar with Charlie, God rest his soul or whatever the fuck happened to him. You know, the Chinese bartender, that guy was there 30 years. We bought him a house.

Those guys bought him a house in the cocaine days. You know? Is it 20, is it 20, is it 20? Yeah, 20. Those motherfuckers were giving them everything to lock the door. You know? Remember that quick route.

So you know how many times I was there at Chance and we ended up going to the city three times for three different eight balls? It was only 20 minutes away. When you really think about it, Friday night, we would do a collection and somebody else would go and come back and the owner of Chan's, he's like, come on.

He's like, come on. We used to destroy all these fucking restaurants. Like, we went to Piccolissimo, you know, I still talk about that shit. That was a place up in Fort Lee where pimps were hanging. And we were going in there at fucking 19. I'm going all, like the dish was 20, we had 25. We ran the joint.

We ran the joint. We ran the joint. Dude, it blows my mind when people, cause there's a lot of people now who are around your age or younger who are like, I started listening to you when I was 11. Does that blow your mind at all? Like, people are nursing age or listening to us?

I had a guy at the wheat store yesterday. I usually, when people walk up to the truck, I take off. Right? Like, I already see you walking. So as you go like this, I'm like, hey, hey, hey. You're like, hey, can I get a picture? Joey Diaz. Fuck you, picture. I got to get out of here. Well, yesterday, for some reason, I was talking

to somebody on the phone and he came on and he goes, oh, one second. And all of a sudden he got off the phone and this guy, his name was Drew. He was a pleasure. Look, I remember his name. It was a real pleasure because he was the real deal. He had episodes, names, events, the time you fucking puked, whatever. Real fan. You didn't puke on campus. No, I know. But he just, and when you talk to those people and they tell you one thing that connected

this, they're not going to tell you, but they're going to tell you their story. And in that story, it was addiction. He got clean They started listening to us and he told me because I come to the wheat straw all the time. It's not a drug It's the other shit that was taking us down Yeah, and that's it and when you look at it that way it was listen man I talked to a lot of people in the daytime and some people Just don't come off the right way And some people just don't come off the right way. And some people just have that.

I'm sitting next to them for an hour at a restaurant. As I go to leave, they open up on me. And they tell me, hey, I didn't want to bother you, but I came to this show at the Stress Factory. I saw you were roguing at the state theater. I saw you in the city, you know. And it does something to you. You're like, what the fuck is this? You know, yeah

You think it's not weird that Listen, everybody's got a following. Okay when you've been around for a while people see your movies and they try to connect you But what we had with the podcast was they didn't when you see Adam Sandler, you don't know what's Adam Sandler's about He's doing a funny movie Podcasting changed all that. And it tapped people. If you want to tell somebody, you have to be very honest to do this podcast shit. Because when you're telling people,

you can't come on in and go, I sold eight kilos and I made eight. You're a fucking liar. Why would you even try to sell me that story? Tell me about when you failed. And I got tons of those fucking liar. Why would you even try to sell me that story? Tell me about when you failed. Right. And I got tons of those fucking stories. Do you know what I'm saying? Tell me when you failed and how you fucking overcame that. That's what we want to hear that. That's what we want.

That's what people want to hear. They're in the same fucking debt. You are, they're in the same predicament. You are, they're all in the same predicament. They did drugs, their wife, whatever. How easy is this to get hooked on drugs in this country now? Oh, they pushed the pills down. How easy, bro? Can't get mad at somebody because they're junking it up. It happens just like that.

You hurt your knee, next thing you know, you're on pain pills, next thing you know, you're in Newark shooting fucking heroin in your fucking legs. Who knows? I don't know. I'm just telling you what I hear. So that's the connection.

Our connection was that we weren't perfect. You and I were far from perfect. I didn't come on here with a hairdo or with glasses on or with an eyes-eyed shirt on trying to, this is it. And this is as good as it can get, because this is how I walk around in the daytime. Yeah. You're real. It's- This is it.

And it's funny, because I wouldn't say it felt bad, but when someone who's 25 was telling me that when they were 11, they were watching me do acid, I felt a little bit bad, like, you know, it's like, oh my God, I can't believe you were, but then, yeah, that's a better way of looking at it. But also, Lee, it's not just you, like you know, it's like, oh my God, I can't believe you, but then, yeah, that's a better way of looking at it. But also, Lee, it's not just you, like look, I'm doing this, do it too.

They've just seen you get fucked up on it, like I guess I'm not gonna do that. Let's hope not. Yeah. You know. Listen, when I see a 28 year old, or a 22 year old, it's great, it shocks me a little bit. I try to be as nice as I can be.

I'm a day who throws me off completely. I'm a day who throws me off that I lose my breath. Really? I already know. Women. Yeah. That is very surprising. From 25 to 34, that's the age gap with me that I just don't get it. You're too nice

Yeah, and they fucking go off when they're next to me even the boyfriend's like They go off. Oh, those are fun. Those but the end those women are fun because they'll come over say hey, man I love the pen the boyfriend standard like Who the fuck is this move? Listen like I guess maybe her and her girlfriend listen to Rogan or something and she listens. But they pull me aside later and they go, bro, you and my uncle, he's dead, he was a gangster, you're the same fucking person. That's when I go, holy shit, because I get that all the time.

Oh, dude, it's fun. And it's not bad. Like, when guys come up to you and say, cocksucker, I get why. I know why they say it. It's funny. Women say it. When they say it, I can always tell they're going to be great. It's going to be that woman who says, she'll scream it from like right in the face. They don't care. It's so much fun.

They don't care. Oh yeah. I was at 618 with my wife and there was the hottest blonde in that joint yelling cocksucker I'm buying you a drink. I still got the drink on picture. Did I show it to you? It was the fucking martini with the church and what's happening now? No, I don't think so. Come on dog. Holy shit. And she goes, I saw you at the Bayside and you ran from me. I go, look at you. You're six foot one, you got double D trees, you look like a fucking model, you got ass for days, the boyfriend didn't say a word, he just sat there like this.

And she's like, fuck yeah, I'm from Staten Island. Duck, you know, what am I gonna tell you? They love you, man. And you know what, at the end of all that cloud and the yelling, don't pull me over. Duck, I know a girl from a restaurant. I talk to this girl all the time. Great kid.

She works, the doctor I go to, she works next door. And we became, she goes, I saw you there one time. And I go, yeah, I got a doctor. We started talking shit one day. I know her for like eight months, nine months. I went somewhere and she goes, Joey, this is my mom. And I introduced her mom. The mom was cute and shit.

And later on she goes, I go, what your mom's thinking? She goes, this ain't crazy. This is a regular girl. This ain't crazy. No, this ain't crazy. This is just a regular girl. She goes, my mom pulled me aside and said,

now I know why you like him. He reminds you of dad. Cause her dad died 10 years ago. Nick, Nick's friend. It's Nick's buddy. I'm all friends with them. That side of Old Bridge. That's nice.

And that type of shit always makes me go, you saw the book signing. What did the one in Staten Island do? I had a girl that walked in there, a Italian girl that was a fucking 20. And she had six gorilla brothers tatted from shoulders to nuts. They stopped eating steroids. They were just eating the syringes at this point.

And the mother was throwing heat. That's awesome. And they came in and she came in yelling and screaming, cutting the line. Cutting the line. Shout out the Italians. She's like, here's the deal, motherfucker. My mom wants to cook for you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let's go. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She just started going off, and then she went and talked to her mother, and the brother came home and he goes, Listen. My father died four years ago. She became a retard.

She heard you on some podcast talking about shit. She went crazy. She goes, this time's not getting home. She was in high school listening to you Oh, she's your mind. I mean he goes and to boot it's real you do remind us of our father. Holy shit Are you sure you know Italian that we had a look at you? Everyone says that they're like we had a look at you and look you up because maybe our father flipped And you sit there you want to cry yeah, yeah in Cuba now, you ain't tell no fuck. And you sit there and you want to cry.

God damn it, you know, I thought it was because I told the joke about Selena Gomez or something like that. That shit went viral. And we were just talking about that the other day, you continue to go viral even with your old clips where you was the karate man, 600 pounds, or even that clip, the Selena Gomez. You didn't try to do that to go. No, we were having a conversation. You never tried.

People who try to go viral will never go viral. Yeah, clowns. I'm not trying to go viral. I'm just trying to do a podcast. Never. To hang out on Mondays, to get to meet new people, for the audience to meet who's in the fucking background. So where'd you go to Paladin? So I went to John Jay Criminal Justice in New York City.

And then where'd you go to high school? North Bergen? No, I went to Paramus Catholic Justice in New York City. And then where'd you go to high school? North Bergen? No, I went to Paramus Catholic. Shout out to Paladin. How come you got out of North Bergen? You know, it was time to meet some white women. No, it was just, I always wanted to go to a Catholic school, compete for sports. And that was the best opportunity for me. And what was your major out of college?

I went to criminal justice. So I was thinking maybe go to law school and become a lawyer. And I was working at a law firm for a little bit, and then I wanted to do follow what my grandpa did. So now I'm entering the world of politics. So we'll see what goes from here. Fuck coaching. No coaching, just making moves, making money, and supporting my uncle, whatever what goes from here. Fuck coaching. Fuck coaching. No coaching.

Just making moves, making money and supporting my uncle, whatever he needs from me. And I'm here for him. So can't wait for you to start going on the road and get these shows done. I gotta get healthy, man. You know, I got some good dates. They throw me some good places. Right. Except one I don't want to go to.

Yeah. Fucking California. I was like, oh, it's not going to be a mystery. Fuck California. I love California and I'd love to go back there, not to this particular one. But beside that, it's all gravy and stuff. But it was just nice that, you know, the only connections I really have to North Bergen now, a couple people my age, like your uncle, Luis Agallo, and the rest, you know, the only connections I really have to North Bergen now, a couple people my age,

like your uncle, Luis Agallo, and the rest, you know, Chickarelli, who I gotta have on this fucking podcast, I forgot to call him today. The film to swing by. Mike Chickarelli, shout out to him. You know, all the kids I grew up with are in fucking, what's that town you got invited to for the Super Bowl? Niagara. No, where'd you got invited to for the Super Bowl? Niagara.

No, where'd you get invited? Your sister. Mawa, shit, right? You know, everybody I grew up with, they said Mawa, stuff like that. They got money, they wanna get out of here. Yeah, no, and you can't blame them. I mean, listen, man, I drive through North Bergen.

I today, I made a left somewere, and I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, cause it pulled me off Columbia Avenue. It pulled me off the three and took me to Columbia Avenue, which is great for me, cause that's my grandma's school. And then I got the hotel with the Iceman, put the guy under the bed. And then you go under and you got that crazy hotel

that's been there since I was a kid. That hotel was there in the sixth grade. Oh wow. And it was still a hooker hotel and the only difference is they had like an old fucking potato chip. Are you talking about the Supreme 8? I don't know. There's a Ramada. Where we stayed is now Ramada. Okay. That's what we had our junior prom. They threw us out, cause people were snorting coke off their dishes. They threw them out, you gotta go. You can't be doing coke off the dishes, it's for food. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Right there, you make the right there, and there's a hotel that's McKinley. So if you go all the way up, all you're passing is the hotel and my grandma's school. If you shoot down, you hit Tonley Avenue. Yeah, I know exactly who you're passing is the hotel and my grandma's school. If you shoot down, you hit Tunley Avenue. Yeah, I know exactly who you're talking about. That hotel has been nasty since we used to go there to get potato chips.

Not the fucking Seville. The Yorkers with the Diceman, Iceman, killed a guy and then there's one underneath. Skyview! Oh. One of those nasty motherfuckers. Still there, Skyview's still there. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. I'm sure they're going to be thrilled to hear this.

Like what the fuck, Mark Berger? You didn't get it. 80 years that hotel been, they've taken kids from McKinley and killed them in there and had sexual relations and shit. No renovations. Why is that hotel still there? Oh my God. Yeah, that's because that could be McKinley parking lot.

And you know, you look at McKinley, it's great. But even my area, they built it up, it looks beautiful. But it's like, you put a suit on somebody who hasn't taken a shower in 30 years. Like that didn't fucking fit, you know what I'm saying? Like when I go down by where my mother grew up, I got upset, man. Cause it still looks like 1975.

Nothing has changed. Now they didn't look to the future. They didn't know what was gonna happen, what was gonna happen. Because right now North Bergen could have been the new fucking Alpine. Yeah. North Bergen has a lot of potential.

A lot of potential. You should have all that 88 area, knock it down. Like the fire in LA, that whole hill area. That's mansions, looking out into the fucking horizon. That's it. These people can't afford it anyway. Exactly. The taxes aren't gonna,

you got a bunch of people moving in from New York. It's amazing how much my town has changed, but at the same time it stayed the same. But there's nobody on the streets. Yeah. The kids are fucking all over. iPad babies, they don't go outside. It's a shame now.

I'm glad that my generation was the last one to, you know, go to the basketball court and scrape your knee. I got a few scars, you know? Now look at these kids. The other thing was, I was at the bottom by Tunnelty Avenue today, by Pathmark, whatever the fuck that is. And I looked up that hill and I was like,

if that hill was there when I was a kid, I think I'd be staying on too. That is fucking murder. Heavy hill, North Bergen with the hills. That particular one is a mile straight and you ain't done yet bitch. It's a mile straight at a pace. Forget that fucking, you know that shit

up that oh have you seen anyone slide down it dog just focus on going up it you know sliding down would be I would just sit at the bottom of the water you want to slide down I'll take you to the bottom of the water. No, no, no, if you wanna slide down, I'll take you to the hill behind the police station. Oh, I'm not planning on sliding down. And one point you'll wrap you up in aluminum foil. Okay. And when they get like a foot of snow,

we'll just roll you. And just mark what point you're gonna die at. Not from hitting, but from the heart attack. Cause that hill is like this. Why, I don't wanna have this happen. And the one down one is like this. Why, I don't wanna have this happen. And the one down one is like this too. It's two, 46th and the police station hill. And even that street, you gotta go around.

You pass by Eggersies. And then go down, no. Doug, those hills. You're dying. They call it Dead Man Hill. Dead Man Hills. Dead Man Hill. Who?

Yeah, when we were kids on 46th. Two people died on that bar. No, there's cemeteries there. Oh yeah. So 30 years ago, you know, 40 years ago, 50 years ago, they didn't know what, the cemeteries are on a hill. It would rain and it would wash the graves out. Shut up.

And one time a casket flew out of there. Oh no. And came flooding down 46th and hit the bottom with Carlos Quintero. Oh man. It's fucking insane those hills, dog. What does that mean? I still remember being a kid. and came flooding down 46th and hit the bottom with Carlos Quintero. It's fucking insane those hills, dog. I still remember being a kid, there was a softball field behind that.

There was a baseball field or something. 46th Street Field, yeah. Yeah, the baseball field's still there, yeah. Okay, there was a field there. And one night I was about 12, and I went over to Anthony Balzano's house, because you want to talk about times changing? Let's lay it on the fucking line right now. And we're talking about, we're playing basketball, it's about 830.

And all of a sudden, you know, Anthony, I'm going home, man. I ain't seeing him out. And all of a sudden, Anthony comes to the gate and he goes, Coco, before you go home, my father wants to see you. Perfect. I go over there, they wants to see you. Perfect. I go over there, they hit me with the guinea salute. You hungry?

You know, you hungry? We made sandwiches, we got meatball, you know, all that. Chicken po, what you need? He always was very, he was always very. You want a t-shirt? So he's like, can you tell your mom you want to sleep over there? I got work for you tomorrow.

And I go, yeah. He goes, what kind of work? It was construction work. You'd be working with Frankie and Peter and Jimmy and Anthony and Dominic and a bunch of kids from the block. He gave us all work for a day. Oh wow. Okay.

He goes, I want you here at six. So why don't you guys just stay in the fucking house? So we all went and got our shit. He set up, we listened to Kiss Records all night. You had fun. Faggotry, yeah. Young kids, someday I'm gonna fuck a chick like that. Yeah, I can't wait.

Nobody even got hair on their dick yet. You got the same condom in your pocket. So we got up at six, we gave us a great breakfast. It was summertime, so it wasn't even cold out. We all went up there, tons of water, tons of sodas, tons of sandwiches. Then he had a meeting, he goes, here's the deal. You're gonna break everything down,

but if you see a cop car or a city car, you got a duck. And ever since that time, I knew I wanted to be a gangster. It was fucking hysterical living down there. That's how I met your family. Because it was the Macos against somebody else. At that time, you rented out a truck. You sat behind the truck and played bongos. They had a spick on there.

So it was like team A. I was growing up at Carmine's pretty much. I was political. In those days, you didn't go out. I don't like the facts. This is how you're voting whether you like it or not. I like that. Like one of the two or three of the guys went to knock on my door and they talked to my mother and they talked to me. And I remember like that. That was just nice. And I was gonna vote for them anyway. They didn't have to go through the whole room. But they knew my mother was involved with numbers.

So that had to be a little piece of the action. But I understood all these things growing up. But that was what, and I remember we tore that place apart. But every time a cop would go, we'd have to fucking, we'd have to hide like Rambo in two. You know what I'm saying? Behind the mud and shit. It was just so, we'd have to fuck him. We'd have to hide like Rambo in two. You know what I'm saying? Behind the mud and shit. It was just so, that's how we grew up.

And then the summers, like he just went over there, the last day of school, like in the sixth grade, and you're like, well, what are you gonna do all summer, Coco? And he'd just ask you, I don't know, Mr. Balzano, what do you think? Hmm, how about a job? I'm gonna make a little scuttle.

Yeah, make a little money. You don't even have to go. You don't even have to go. You don't even have to go. Just go down to 6th Street. Go down there and have a check for your town hall every Friday. That was it. My whole job was walking to town hall and getting a check. And walking home. And my mom was like, where are you getting these 48 dollars? It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It kind of matters. It's like. Are you like 12 years old? And then I got older and I think freshman going into sophomore year, I went to him again. Every summer I go there. What do you got for me? I got a job out here. One day a week you go out there and watch them sweep the roof. That wasn't even say to me.

Just go out there and watch them sweep the roof. 12 bucks't even say to me. Just go out there and watch him sweep the roof 12 bucks an hour. I'm fucking 12. It was 450 for fucking whatever. Whatever that fucking thing is, the age gap. But they give you your Cuban, they give you 15 an hour now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. That's better for me. I don't take a bus all the way up here and waste my time.

Waste the time. I still remember walking in there being in shape and there's a bunch of old guys with all that limbs. My back. They're bumping off the floor and moving the chairs. And I'm like, what's going on guys? And they would just look at me. Ah, it's him.

He ain't gonna help us. This young croc. You guys need help? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be right back. I'm gonna put my soda away. Get the fuck Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right back. I'm gonna put my soda away. Get the fuck out of here. Pew!

I'd run right down. That was, you know, and you hate to say it, he said, hey, listen, we were fucking kids. Who knew if he was paying me out of his pocket just to be cool, you know, but it was just that's the mentality we grew up with. We were always robbing something and we never got in trouble for it. When you don't get in trouble for robbing, you keep robbing. And you were the king of that.

Especially when you got an eye for shit. People like when you rob. This kid's got a nice eye. He's bringing good money in. I'm not coming to your house with a stereo with wires on. I'm coming with a box designed. Newest TV. I have presentations. I think the biggest fucking joke

of my career, and I tell people all the time this, deep, deep, listen, you have those moments in your life. You have to think about what the moments are and that define you. There's like two, maybe three of them. It wasn't to kidnap it. But one of the things that put me on the map and it made people go, I don't know about Coke, was when I robbed Michael's Jewish in 1981. I was fucking 82. I was 19 years old. You know, I lost a bet. I had to pay the bet. I had to pay the bet. I had to pay the bet.

He was a coach. You know, he was one of my coaches. I loved him to death. I had to pay the bet. I couldn't stiff him. It was too grand. Oh. I couldn't stiff him.

And that was my only option. That's what people never knew, that that was my only option. I couldn't stiff this guy. I could stiff anybody else. If it was anybody else, I would have told him to go fuck themselves in a heartbeat like I had done before. But I couldn't do it to him.

And I called him like a man. I go, listen, man, I'm trying to get your money. You're going to have it on Thursday. But if I get into beef, I need to know that you're gonna help me a little bit." And he goes, what are you talking about? I go, if you get a call from somebody, which they will call you, I need to know that I have your support on this because I'm going all out to get you this money so you don't look bad. I'm going all out.

Now he had no idea what I was talking about. No. And I robbed that jewelry store at 11 in the morning that Thursday and by three Going all out. He had no idea what I was talking about. No. And I robbed that Jewish guy 11 in the morning, that Thursday, and by three o'clock I called him up and I go, let's meet. And I gave him his money and I gave him a gold chain. I said, this is my souvenir to you, you dumb fuck.

I robbed Michael's Jewish. Even he looked at me like, no you didn't. I go to lunch with that guy once a week. No, he doesn't. Like it to lunch with that guy once a week. It was fucking absurd. Oh my God. We robbed at 11 in the morning. I'll never forget this.

We robbed at 11 in the morning. We were back in the house by 11, breaking up jewelry. Nobody knew yet. Breaking up jewelry? Yeah, there was cops. You could hear the sirens. And it was us three just taking the jewelry out and straightening it up. Then we picked our own shit.

And we were fucking, I hate to say the word, I'll say it for the Spanish people, we were spics. And I was the only Spanish guy there. It was three white dudes, all of us were white, but I was the only spick and all of us from that moment, we put on the thickest bracelet and we had the three thickest, longest golden chains. And I'll never forget walking down, what's the top of your grandma's block? Grand Avenue.

Walking on Grand Avenue. It's three in the afternoon, we just robbed this place. And we're walking on Grand Avenue. With the jewelry on. With a bag of jewelry, jewelry to sell on the street, like Puerto Ricans. And I'll never forget, two dear friends of mine were driving, and as they pulled up,

they even uttered the words, like, look at these motherfuckers. They pulled it off. Because usually when people tell you shit, they don't do it. What happened, we were down there, the cops, I'd robbed that place two times already. I knew all the insult doors and out.

For me to rob it a third time took balls, but I was desperate. And I'd been setting that up. It was one of those things that you look at and go, you know what, I'm not gonna do it today. But eventually I'm coming back in here to get mine. I checked it out, it wasn't connected. It wasn't plugged in, there was no lock on it,

there was nothing. But I know for a fact, in my heart, I will tell you this today, that when I did that that day, by three o'clock we were already walking down Grand Avenue, by five everybody was paid, I had already cut a deal for a pound of tie stick, which I'll get to you later. We had already bought like fucking an ounce of blow by eight o'clock. We still had two bags of jewelry left. That was Thursday. I'm walking down the hill at five in the morning with the jewelry coked up out of my mind.

I bump into God rest his soul, Kurt DeLorenzo. I go, Kurt. and now I trusted Kurt like I trust you guys. I can give Kurt this and it'll be there with the water at that level. I go, I don't wanna bring this home in case the cops raid me tonight. Smart.

Put this in your grandmother's apartment downstairs. I went home, I took a nap, dog. Now Kurt was built like a Greek god. I get up, I eat my breakfast, I call Kurt. I go, I'm on my way over, he goes, good, good, good, good, there's some people over here that want to see. I'm like fucking Kurt, I'm probably gonna walk into the cops. Bro I walk in Kurt has got a you know those dealer tables The fucking mink it was black. He got on his mother's table. He had all the jewelry put out He had no shirt on and he had like ten gold chains And he had a pocket full of cash and I'm like Kurt and a bunch of people that he's having like a yard sale

And he was asking people for more money than I would because each chain had a label on it. Like if it said 1800, I'd say, give me 800. Kurt was like, give me a thousand. So I get there, he just handed me a bunch of money and I gave him a chain and his mother and even Chris, the brother tells me today, she died with that chain. She loved that fucking chain. I gave everybody a fucking chain. It was like Johnny Chain.

It blessed the community. It was, you know, just to think of what the fuck we were doing at that age, just to put in perspective. Like we had just graduated, I didn't graduate. The dudes I ran with had just graduated in June. None of us had jobs. We were just getting off the fat old land the whole summer.

We were walking into places that had dirty air condition. We had dirty air conditioners at one time. Had 200 a piece. Those went like this. I took them up to Nick's Pizza and put them in front. Nick was out there, come here, come here. Little cigarette. 250, 250.

Cigarette, cigarette. Everybody made an angle. But the gold chain thing was just like after that it just spread like fucking wildfire. We were like kings for three weeks. We were eating fucking, you should have seen us eating breakfast, eggs and steak every morning like gangsters going down seaside with fucking getting a big room upstairs, you know. Yeah, no more 18 room with a guy. And then we were having like it was we robbed it September 18th of 1982 we had like a bookmark we had like yeah cuz it was that Monday was Pittsburgh fucking Dallas we lost on

Monday night football that's tough to the, we had nobody else to put the bet in with. We're like, it's a lock, let's do it. Call the camel. Call the camel, and we put the fucking bet in. Oh God bless that man, so. Oh my God. And I had to pay him his money. That's what a lot of people never fucking knew about me. Now, the camel had a partner, another gym teacher, and I, one day was with

the camel, and the camel called the main house, that's in those days you gotta call them and go, they would ask you before you signed up with them, what type of car do you have? And he would have to, you'd have to say the black Tesla, that was your coach, and you'd call, who's this Black Tesla? One day he called and he said a different car name and I didn't know. I just took the name to go in my memory bank and I was calling that place every night banging around.

And one night I get a call from the camera and he goes, hey man, somebody banged up like a $8,000 fucking bill on a different gym teacher. Do you know who that is? Not even his soul. I would come back, I would leave for 10 years, come back and they'd bring it up to me, dog. He's really hurting.

He's hurting. Mmm. You're a terrible man. Isn't he the best league? Well, of course, but you were saying that was one of the, like stealing was like, well, like a changing moment in your life. That situation, Lee, from what was going on

and how I was living, my mother had died for two years earlier. I was out there fucking running wild. And this was just, it let me know I was alive at that time. I was dead for two years. And as stupid as the story is, it let me know I was alive. Cause that's another, cause what I was thinking, was that you had a buddy who you gambled with and he lost

and like he'd spent like a summer working three jobs or whatever And like I was gonna ask if you ever thought about doing that but I'm not saying you're proud of what you did but it sounds like it was Kind of good for you. Is that what you're saying at that age? I had nothing holding me down It's not like I had a mom and her dad. I had a report anywhere I was basically a nomad living in my friend's basement. Right. Okay. And they were either gonna beat me up or whatever.

I couldn't do it to him. Cause he had to go to his people now and go, this guy don't have the money. And he's got to, I got to put them on a payment plan, which is worse. Cause they juicily. Right. For 10 points.

You need those points every week. Seven points and that's even worse so it was just a bad with this is 82 fuck nut got in trouble a year later and he lost a hundred and sixty thousand god rest his soul he was my brother that kid and he was a great kid he lost bro he was up a ton of loot going into the Redskins against the Dolphins. And he went the wrong way and sat on people's action. And it was not a good morning that next morning. It was not a good couple of weeks.

Then he had to tell his parents. But I already had to leave. I had already an out. I was robbing a bookmaker in West New York. I was going to pay a few people and then get the fuck out of here. I already had an out. I was leaving with the kid named Jimmy Burkle. And Jimmy couldn't wait for me because I kept saying, Jimmy,

if I get this bookie, it's a big difference from me going out there with 500 to 50,000. I can't I can't keep waiting for you. Jimmy left on a Thursday. I'm like, I'm dead. I went to the, there used to be a travel agency next to a recruiting station on Bergen Line and I went to the fucking travel agency. I had a choice. I could join the recruitment station or I could go to Colorado. So I went next door and I got a one way to Colorado to take me out there. And two days later I walk into the bar and there's Jimmy Burkle, the transmission broke.

And Pennsylvania had to get towed back. So fucking that's God. He had to wait for me. I was like, when are you leaving? Tuesday. I'm in that fucking car with you. And then I went and robbed the bookie, but I couldn't break in. That's when the dog turned on me.

After I fed him for five days, Burger King, I wasn't even eating. I'm feeding this fucking dog, and now I wanna go get a German Shepherd. Like all of a sudden I forgave him. It's like. You want a baby savage. So this political game you're getting into. Yes sir.

Rough game, big payoff. Definitely big payoff. You know, it seems like to me, listen, I don't know anything about politics. So when I talk to you about politics, we're talking about here, Hudson County. And it seems to me, listen, everybody knows every mayor in Hudson County in the last 80,000 years

has ended up in prison, dead or electrocuted. I mean, it's no, even Menendez. When did you go on the way, that poor bastard? Oh man, he got 11 years. But you know, it's like, one thing I do have to admit, I grew up here. So George grew up in Bergen County. I grew up in Hudson County.

I grew up in Union City, my mom had the bar there, so we had a lot of contact there with people. Exactly. North Bergen, I was in the hub, downtown. I was in the fucking hub right there with the A-Team. You know, I still remember how good Peter Peter Marco was to me as a kid. You know, and I never forget that. Like I'll never, I didn't know Joe then.

I didn't deal with Joe. I always dealt with Peter. And this is what I remember. I was a basketball player, guys. And there's nothing like going to a basketball place and the fucking, there's no net. Or the net is broken especially if it's made out of metal the worst it gets caught up there and now you got to do fucking

you gotta jump after every fucking shot and get the goddamn I swear to my mother's grave I would go to 38th street park or any other park I was at but 38th street I would go there and the kids tangled the net at night I would just fucking cross the street, ring the Balzano bell. Marriam would go, what's going on? Nothing, can I use your phone? And I would call fucking town hall. I knew the number in the back of my head.

Can I get the mayor's office please? Yes, who's this? Coco Diaz. Hold on. Boom, who do you wanna talk to? Peter. Six minutes. Coach, what's going on?

Mr. Mark, I don't want to bother you. I know it's hot, you got a lot on your plate. But my fucking net is down over here. Come on, man. Bro, by the time I hung up the phone and went outside, there was a truck, some Puerto Rican dude with a ladder, with another guy giving him a wrench. When you're a kid, you don't forget that shit.

Of course not. On a hot day. I also don't forget how he used to go, do you guys play there all day? Yeah, I'll have something, you don't forget that shit. Of course not. On a hot day. I also don't forget how, you know, he used to go, do you guys play there all day? Yeah, I'll have something for you by one o'clock. And a week later, he always sent the prison sandwich, you know, the bologna with the American cheese, he brought the sandwiches, he brought the fucking,

you know, the fucking, the Pjolnit cheese, the fucking Luguts, an apple, a drink. Yeah, there was like a milk, an orange drink. It wasn't orange juice. It was orange drink. Right. And it was still, you know, but I remember that they used to send down those buses. They took it to Yankee Stadium, bitch. I went to no seat belts and shit.

Dump it up and down. These little fags today got seat belts Conditioning we had that hot tin motherfucker Nobody ever died like that There's a case right now in Jersey where a lady left a little retarded girl in the back Oh, she died in the bus. Did you see that? She's sooner. She's gonna win. I don't know what you want I don't mean to bring light on like that I don't know what's going on. I don't mean to bring it on like that. I saw fist fights, like you talk about fist fights

in emergency rooms. I saw a fist fight at my grandma's school, not once, not twice, like three times. And nobody had fucking trauma. Nobody had to see the school counselor. I can't come to school tomorrow. I saw Louis Hernandez beat up the principal. He just went home. You didn't tell your parents tomorrow. I saw Louis Hernandez beat up the principal. He just went home.

You didn't tell your parents. How was school today? You didn't tell your parents. We ain't talking about nothing. Nothing. You don't see it any. Like you've told stories. Fuck a fist fight at your school.

You saw parents coming to beat up teachers at your school. Tremendous. North Bergen in the late seventies. And this is why I say to people like, and I know you heard a ton of this shit from your uncles. Because that generation, like you have three generations of uncles. Let me tell you something. Your Uncle Mike, that was fucking 80, 81.

They had their own issues. And then Vinny showed up. And that's a crew of 84, 85, one of the states. Animals. Savages. Animals. Because they picked up what we were like, we're the states. And that's how- Animals. Savages. Animals. Because they picked up, but we were like, we're gonna go our own ways now.

They're like, well, we're picking up that torch. Bring out the fucking shovels. We're going right in that fucker. Little Frank Sinatra in the back. They were 85. I was, no, yeah, 85. I left in 85, but the winter of 84, those kids won the states.

And North Bergen had become. Powerhouse. No, it wasn't even, the football added to what was going on in the city of North Bergen. And the city of North Bergen, like every other city in Hudson County was going off because this was the main shipment of the drugs. Lincoln Cutter Hotel, all those hotels you see out there.

All those fucking Ramadas and all that shit. They had the old lady upstairs with two machine guns with the kilo and the family of six downstairs. It was a family vacation. That's when they bring in 10 kilos of coke. You went to the hotel, you met them, they took it. They went to fucking, there wasn't no American Dream Mall. They just went out there and looked.

Oh, and then they got back. You know, I mean, that's where all that shit started. That's where all that shit started. All those dirty hotels, you see on Route 3, what do you think they were staying? It's still there. That Howard Johnson. You walk in there, you test positive. They used to be Howard Johnson's, right? On Route 3, Seacaucus.

It's not close to anything. And they have a restaurant in the building. I knew 10 dudes that would set that coke up there. And then stay in another hotel with their wives and kids and put like a mule there at that hotel until you get up to Union City and then expand and then this whole fucking town was fucking twitching for three fucking days.

I'm that bloke, like I go to hotels now and they like, you need ID, you know, like I can't imagine just getting all these hotel rooms. Just a name and cash. Name and cash, you kept it simple. All those hotels on Tungley Avenue, those are sex hotels. Filthy, you ever go to one? I've been to two or three of them myself. That's where you take your girlfriend, you start scratching when you

leave there, everybody's itching in the car. You definitely get crabs. You know, crabs is like, you walk in there, you get crabs. Those are the dirtiest of the dirtiest. Dirty. Still there, the Domino Inn, right down the block from my grandma. They have a tub in there? The King Room. You know how many times I went from fucking

your grandfather's over there? I know one night, particularly, I went right from there. Right down the block. And they had that Jacuzzi, and you could see little kids in there, like what they were gonna look like 10 years from now. That place was fucking disgusting.

You woke up in those places, you didn't know what was worse. Like your life, like when you open your eyes in one of those hotels, you look over, you're like, all right, that must have fucked her. And then you look at your money, that's gone. You look to see if there's coke left, that's gone. Everything's upside down in the air.

The mirrors broke, the straw got broken in half And your fucking pages going off. You're like ten thousand dollars My options Waking up did my boyfriend call I don't fucking know Is this a place you bring a girlfriend or is this a place to bring someone who like if you don't want the corkies right there was like two girls I picked up the corkies like I was homeless I was homeless I take them there get a shower shower them up nobody knows nothing nobody knows nothing the next morning he goes home there's no breakfast there's no buffet it's dirty towel is dirty. There's blood on it. You know.

$30 a day, Lee. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're by the hour. Right? If you got closer down to the Ramada, those are by, that's the first time I ever free based was down in those hotels and shit. Fun memories. That's when the guy invented the word tremendous.

By the hour. By the hour. By the hour. Do they just come and knock on your door 55 minutes? Like what do they do? Five minutes late. They'll pull you up. Get out there. You pay.

You pay. It's always an immigrant guy. They know one guy named Chuck working behind the window. It's somebody you don't understand and you're in mid nut. Because they didn't know what they were getting into when they got hired. You got to figure out your ass. And also this guy wants his $18.50. you're in Midnut. Cause they didn't know what they were getting into when they got hired. You gotta figure up your ass. And also this guy wants his 1850.

And you're like, you gotta be fucking seriously. Is it three hour minimum? That's a stereotype. Trust me, I don't even need three hours. At the end of the day, you don't even, at the end of the day, I saw that list that Americans are like the worst. We last like six minutes on average.

Six minutes. What's it the three hours? I wanna to talk to you for two and a half hours about what? About the three channels we're looking at? I'm watching fucking the fucking Lone Ranger. I want to say one thing. I got a call from my uncle the other, like probably around Christmas, he goes, you see that thing on the news? I was like, what are you talking? He goes The band that's blind they're up and down. They're jumping up and down in front of the tree Oh my god, it was put a bunch of kids you kept I think you might have been lying you were tormenting me Days I don't know what I was saying. I'm talking, I went on a deep tear for like 60 days of mushrooms.

Every other day I was eating, I would push the envelope more and more and then I would experiment. I'd do like seven grams, then two hours later. Once you do the mushrooms, you just have to eat them straight. If you do more later on, it's not going to work for you. At least it didn't work for me. It was deep. But I'm back now like mushrooms, you just gotta eat them straight. If you do more later on, it's not gonna work for you. Oh, right. At least it didn't work for me. It was deep. But I'm back now, like fucking, you know,

tip-top Magoo a couple days at the hospital. Using his prong. And now we gotta go for it, and that's it. Little by little, you get healthy. I'm happy for you, D'Arnaud. I'm taking my vitamins. What are you happy about? That you're not in the hospital.

Oh, thank you. I'm happy for you. And the only thing I'm not mad about, but when you're talking about that band, there's only like three or four of them. But when you find a video you like, there's nothing that gives you more joy. I was just thinking about that black dude who put

the firecracker in his eyeball. That video that got sent to us on acid church with the dude just dancing. There's been like three or four videos that you really like on YouTube Oh yeah that one was fun Jesus but that that fucking you would send me that dude with the dynamite in his eye Like three in the morning sometimes But let me tell you something Nothing ever shocked me like the Duncan one on acid that night.

Because I was on fire from the acid. And all of a sudden I get a text message, I'm like, what's this rat doing on my phone? The fuck? And I look, I open it up, and it's this fucking Spanish dude, or so we thought. We didn't know what it was. Big mustache with clothes on.

And all of a sudden he starts tap dancing. He starts taking off his clothes. And this guy had no dick. It was like a vagina, he's dancing. And I sent it to everybody in my phone. West coast, east coast, I didn't care where you were. And you don't even text. Me and Ari that night, I go, Ari, teach me how to do this.

He said teach me how to do this. Sent it, sent it everywhere. Sent it to the pope, whatever we can send it to. The next day only one person put me back. That ain't right though. I'll have to see if I can find it somewhere. It came on my phone about 2.30 in the morning. I had to wake up, my wife, the kids, it shocked us and shit.

We had to say a prayer. Oh my God. That one was scary cuz it wasn't that he he like it was like pixelated so he was in the back a little bit you know just dancing have a good time and then he gets closer and his dick was like a you know those balloons that can blow up in the animals before you blow into it and it was just like stringy and just gonna hang in there it was flopping it around.

And that, like, I think those videos are the hardest I hear you laugh. You know, Nick, that's funny because I still remember you being young, your brother being two, three years older than you, and you being at your grandma and your mom with the stroller. And then I bumped into you somewhere else with her. And this time you were walking,

you guys are going to a game. Always. So an athletic event. My mom was always taking me to games everywhere across the country. But I grew up with your mom. I got, you know, it was your uncle Greg that said, listen to the Dirt album.

I already liked the Alice in Chains, but I wasn't sold. And I'll never forget every time I put that album on, I think of Greg at that bar on top of, on Kenny Boulevard on the top of 90th Street. Whatever that was there on the corner. Yeah, now it's a diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when that bar was there, the annoying guy,

I'm friends with the biggest comedy manager. They had a chick that worked there. They had a woman that worked there that had to be 40 with like fake tits, the whole thing. And her husband was set the bar. She was doing tricks in the men's bathroom. I remember one night I got fucked up and I'm like, dog, I'm gonna suck my pipe.

She's like, listen, come home with us and wait for my husband to fall asleep and we'll fool around the basement. 50 bucks and I'm like, what, I'm gonna suck my pipe. She's like, listen, come home with us and wait for my husband to fall asleep and we'll fool around the basement. 50 bucks. And I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? Come home with me and my husband for 50 bucks. Your husband's up there snoring. What the fuck is wrong with people, man?

Your life is different. It's crazy how I just grew up in your house and I'll sit here and tell you shit that I still remember like just dying a laughter First time I walked in your grandfather's house Just to put this in perspective It was probably 1977 Wow

Stay that's the year you won a state championship. Yes Yes, cuz that's how we get they weren't there. No. I was there with Michael listening to Ted Nugent. And Greg was a little boy on the couch sleeping downstairs at like three beds. And Greg was just a tiny four year old boy and he was passed out. And Mike had 15 people in the room with music turned on. And I go, Mike, what about this guy?

Don't worry about it. He woke up the next morning and I'm done. He was covered in cigarettes, smoke and shit. My grandma was probably finding that hysterical. When they won the States, it was a complete night out. Nobody came home. They ended up at a diner or something. They would go to a Fuso's dugout.

Those were the Fuso Dugout days. Back in the day. That's the day there. So it's really nice to see that you've grown up to be a man. Thank you uncle, I appreciate it. And following your grand fucking father's footsteps. Yes sir, I was trying to-

Savage of his own right. Keep the Askles legacy going. And we're gonna keep it going as much as we can because it was about, at the end, the Askles legacy, he had a great, he was a great coach. Thank you. He was, I don't have to tell you that, you read the accolades and shit.

I know. But it, they weren't politicians, dog. They were gonna do this for the kids no matter what. That's their job. Yeah. When you gain kids' trust and they can't talk to their parents, because that's the kids who their home lives are shit. Yeah. And at one kids trust and they can't talk to their parents because that's the kids who, their home life is a shit.

Yeah. And at one point these coaches, they find out what's going on. And now they gotta step in and they did. My grandpa and my grandma definitely stepped in. Doug, they stepped in. And I'm talking about at every level here. I had a coach, John Barone, I had him on here.

He's like an uncle to me. Drove me home when my mother died. I mean, these are people that didn't have to do this shit. That's why, you know, when you, when people talk to me about politics, now you wanna know why? Because that's a relationship I want, I'm not gonna get it. So why you bullshit me?

Why you wasting my fucking time? Exactly. You know, you don't look me in the eye. You don't shake my fucking hand. You didn't go to my mother's wake. Half of those guys went to my mother's wake. They walked in and ran the fuck out when they saw people were doing blow and shit,

but they showed up. They showed up out of respect. They went to church. They're Italian. They have to show up. So, you know, this is the world I grew up in. I say a lot of fucked up shit about this world, but that's the flip side.

Guys like his granddad even a guy who you know Bowser no, I talk about him. Mr. Bender these guys raised this bro. There was nothing that they didn't have to come You never had to go up to him go. I'm hungry. They fucking knew They took the pressure off They could see you walk. Hey, yeah You're hungry. Come on. Yeah, and that's you know, hey, go, you hungry? Come on. Yeah, and that's what means everything to me,

not eating, but that gesture. Right. And that's what we've lost. Let me get that water before, I'm sorry to bother you. So what's the ultimate goal, Nick? Like what is, 20 years from now, what? Not 20, 10 years from now, I'd like to be a mayor. Okay.

That's my goal. By the time I'm 35, I wanna be a mayor and somewhere in the county. Cool. And like what, because I don't even know, how do you get started in politics? I was just happy to be- Watch the wire.

Yeah. Councilman, then you go up against Tony Gray. Yeah. Councilman, then you go up against Tony Gray. Yeah, but I was just born into it, I could say. So now that I'm old enough to understand it, I'm just happy to be supporting the sheriff in Hudson County and we're going to win this election in June. That's all I have to say about that. That's awesome, dude.

Thank you. I appreciate that. What do you think, Lee Thank you. I appreciate that What do you think Lee? What do I think? What are you gonna do? If you want to get me a residence in this area I'll vote for you absolutely Stop, this is not Bergen, you already live here I've lived here for 20 years

We got an apartment upstairs This is your apartment. Perfect. Nobody knows nothing. We'll finagle the numbers a little bit. You've been here three years. You've been here three years. You're the ivory. You're the fucking director from Israel.

Anyway, before we just go on and on, these edibles were on fire tonight. We gotta go. My nephew Nick Askilis, vote for him. Lee Syatt, the director from Israel, and Uncle Joy. What we got coming up this week, Lee? We have two great shows. We're in Jersey City on Wednesday,

and Parks on Saturday. Oh shit! We're on the road. Jesse Mae Peluso's coming in. Fucking Agostini's coming in. It's gonna be a nice one. Hopefully I'll make these fucking shows, okay? You'll be there, Uncle.

You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna try my fucking hardest. You'll be there. Because I only got a few steps, Hopefully I'll make these fucking shows, okay? You'll be there, Uncle. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna try my fucking hardest. You'll be there. Because I only got a few steps, so I gotta get to the microphone, and then pace myself, and then attack it. Tranquilo. So that's what I'm doing.

Tranquilo. La Vata Chucho. Tranquilo. Uncle Joey loves you. I wanna thank George, Lee, Nick, and myself for being here on a beautiful fucking Monday night. Stay black. We love you. ["The Last Supper"]

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