Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The World Ain't Flat with Rich Vos

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Comedian Rich Vos joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt this week. Joey and Rich talk addiction and recovery, getting paid in TV''s and much more! Support the show and protect your online privacy with ExpressVPN. Head to https://www.expressvpn.com/CHURCH Support the show and get your first 3 months of Mint Mobile for just $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/CHURCH Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

What's happening you bad motherfuckers, it's Tuesday, the 13th of May, the day the devil was buried in sea. It's me and fucking Lee, the church of what's happening now, New Testament. It's a whole new day, it's a whole new week with a whole new set of rules. What's happening Tarzan? I'm doing great dude. You are doing great. It feels like LA tonight.

It feels like, because we took the Edible like an hour ago. So I have like six minutes left. All right, who gives a fuck? It always feels like, listen, this guy's always worried. I started torturing him Friday about, we're gonna go for 600 milligrams. Dude, you talked to him starting Tuesday. I get him going all weekend. He's huffing and puffing, he's fucking, you know.

He lets me play with him, so I gotta keep doing it. What do you mean, I let you? You let me. I tell you on Friday, we're gonna hold this week, you know, Louis, because I know you're fucking dicking around, you know Five milligrams no one needs And you sit there and make believe you're watching the Knicks and shit But anyway, how was Mother's Day? Did you call your mom? I did I called my mom

I was there for her birthday last week So I was with my girl and her mom for for this week. How was that? When you're with her mom, what do you do? You just sit there? No, they're nice. They're cool. You cook? My girlfriend cooked. We sat up by the water.

Dude, it was nice in New York yesterday. Oh, it was very nice in New York. We were just out on the water. This is the time of the year New York is fucking boss. Let's get this shit out of the way. From April 20th to fucking June 15th, ain't no place you'd rather be. And like from September 10th to October 30th, ain't no place you'd rather be. And like from September 10th to October 30th, there's no place you'd rather be.

This is the time of the year, if you're gonna come to New York, this is it. You come in July, you're gonna be sweating bullets with your nice white shirt and your flip flops. Man, it's hot, yeah, it's fucking humid. It's fucking July in New York City. Not to mention 85 fucking trucks, 22 fucking Ubers, six scooters, what comes out of there?

Heat! So what the fuck, you know? Oh yeah, but this dude, like yesterday, and you know what saved me? Is sunglasses. Because all anyone told me when I moved here is you can't, like, I love when people are acting crazy, I love watching it. And they, people told me, like, that's when I'm gonna get mugged, is like if a homeless guy is yelling and I just start looking at him, you're not but

What let's get back to fucking normally If you're walking the streets and your eyes are creeping you can't have no sign especially you you don't know how to work with sunglasses yet What do you mean? How you work with some fucking who's the people who protect the president? Secret service dead good with sunglasses. Okay, that's what they do. That's what they've been doing for years. You're just new to this. And I know you, you're still stuck on Uber and help, yelp. The problem with you ain't the fucking sunglasses. First of all, what do you mean stuck on Uber? Everyone uses Uber.

The problem with you ain't the sunglasses, that you got that backpack looking like a migrant and nine out of 10 you're looking at your fucking phone bouncing on the street. And it's your body language, you see what I'm saying? And this new type of migrant in the city and this new type of criminal you can't be fucking walking around with a backpack on anything I could not have a backpack because the guy can just come from the line you and start ripping your

thing and you're fucking sitting there like yeah but you could do that with your shirt too no he can't because you could break the bond it's just a shirt I don't I feel everyone wears backpacks. Yeah well just because everybody jumps off the bridge that's a fucking jump are you? I mean I what are you? Tadding like my daughter? My daughter hit me with that this morning. I told her next time you say that to me you're punished for a fucking week. I go I'm raising you not to be like the rest of these little fucking idiots. This morning she wanted to leave the house with a cut t-shirt off a little bra strap.

Time out and I looked at the mother like what the fuck Are you doing? Well? She won't wear. I don't give a fuck what she won't wear. This is a Cuban house You don't cover up that fucking bra you little freak Really? Oh, it's that that's starting no no it's like she just said the other girls at school do it I don't give a fuck right really don't give a fuck I'm trying to raise you so you're not like the other fucking idiots, but how am I supposed to carry my shit? I understand with mercy that makes sense. You don't need to carry your shit. Where you going? Where you going?

Here. Sometimes you have to carry. Dude, that's like the thing about New York that you have to carry a lot of shit with you. If you're doing sets at night? All you need is a knife. That's all you need. You have to carry a lot of stuff with you. You got your whole computer and your phone and a knife. Look at you, wallet in front pocket. Again, I'm gonna mug you. That's where it's supposed to go.

No it's not, I'm mugging you. You shouldn't even have your wallet. You don't drive. That's true, but I have credit cards. What do you do? That's it. When you go out into public, you use the fucking things the cops give you

For the shields you take that out that stupid shield. It's not gonna get you out of you stab somebody And you put your visa card and your license so you have a strip in there and you put it in nobody How are they getting into my we were just talking about this is New York City these migrants they got long fingers They've been practicing fucking pickpocketing since they were two. This is what they do in Managua, Nicaragua, where the fuck they come from. They all got, you know, when you're a kid here,

you got a doll, right? When you're a kid in Managua, you got a doll with bells and a jacket with a little chain in there. So if you hit the, that's how you train a pickpocket, with bells. Right, and that's why I don't put it in my back pocket, but my front pocket's safe. Listen.

Dude, if someone put a hand in my pocket. If I hit you in the head now, now I know your wallet's in your front pocket, so I'm gonna go for it. So why bring your whole life in that fucking wallet, which you don't need it? You need one ATM card and your ID. If that, if the migrants don't have licenses, why should you?

Shit, for years I was a criminal. I never had a license on me. And I didn't have an ATM either. It was cash or a knife. That's it. What's your name? I don't know. Where's your ID? I have no fucking idea. And you have 20 IDs. I had 20 IDs growing up, but you're not going to see it. I had no idea about that. Take my name for granted, that's what it is. Me llamo Jos Antonio, okay? That's all I fucking know, me llamo. But I don't me llamo.

Well tell them that you llamo, and then they'll leave you the fuck alone. I had no idea, all right, I'll try it. It makes sense. Listen, in New York City, it's not as killer as it used to be be you got amateurs now, but how you get mugged is body language and goofiness That's how you get mugged body language and goofiness You just get fucking mugged. What's goofiness being a goofball? Look at that sign. Isn't it great? Who gives a fuck?

Mind your fucking business. Look straight ahead. Right. And get those, everybody wants glasses that they could tape people? No, get glasses with little windshields. Like fucking a car, so you can see what's coming up behind you. That's how you gotta live it, 2025.

You gotta be prepared. These people stab you in the back. They go with knives, these migrants. And I shouldn't be just blaming the migrants. I gotta be blaming everybody in New York City I'm sorry I'm sorry to the migrants for me to be fucking hawking on you but I'm trying to take a lead under my wing here he thinks this is fucking Orlando you know you're just walking down the street I have to be honest I don't think I've seen one

migrant since I've been here I don't know I don't know where you are in here you see like I see him everywhere I see him of migrants. I see them everywhere. I see them on Channel 11. I see them on WPIX. That's where I see them. And what are they doing? They're just walking the streets looking for momos that carry their wallets in their front pockets. Didn't they mug a fucking cop last week? Did they not? I mean, am I the only fucking mor- Today I got a call from a friend of mine. Hey man, I'm flying into Newark. I'll be there Wednesday and we're leaving Saturday

out of Newark. I go, are you a fucking idiot? He goes, what are you talking about? I go, you don't want to fly into Newark. He goes, yeah, but we got the tickets a month ago. Good talk. I don't give a fuck if you got them a year ago. Do you know what's going on in Newark?

He goes, no, what's going on? I go, you don't put on CNN? No, I don't watch the news. What are you doing with your life? You're gonna fly into Newark, get delayed, 20? Listen, I'm letting you know right now. I ain't going nowhere until September 6th. I don't even get my real license to August 7th.

That real ID bullshit. I don't even get it to August 7th, so. Wasn't the deadline like this week? Yeah, who gives a fuck? I'm not gonna listen. You could still fly. It's gonna take you an hour and a half, if you fly the new is gonna take you 19 hours So you might as well fly to Philly if you're not gonna have an ID. It's extra screening. They check you but who gives a fuck

They're still gonna let you fly and they're gonna enforce it heavy for two or three months Give me now they're gonna put clear and TSA together. Yeah, they have that for an extra charge now right? Yeah. Right? Now they got you there. So now you can go on clear we don't have to take your fucking shoes off. You go to Newark, clear is fucking packed all the time and so is TS. Listen, summers are horrible to fly anymore. The last five years since the pandemic. This year if you're thinking of flying on Newark, cancel your fucking flight. I'd go through that. Like I was telling Jim Florentine the other day, I'm old school.

I get to an airport today, and you tell him my flight's canceled? You know what? Keep the luggage. Keep it. I don't even want it. Cause that's another four hours. I gotta wait here for the luggage to get shipped downstairs.

So before that happens, keep the luggage. I got my sleep at the machine. I got my weed in there. I got my license. I got a toothbrush. That's all you need. Have you thought about shipping your luggage down? What? They like, I did it once when I left LA. You can like give UPS your luggage and they'll just deliver it to the hotel and you send it back. That way you don't have to do shit at the airport. But what about what about speaking of Newark the the air traffic controllers they got like they got time off because it was so

stressful? Listen if you're on a plane and I don't know where you are that's one thing but look it's the other way around if I'm sitting in a plane that pilot goes hey the tower just turned off we have no fucking idea where we're at I'm sitting in a plane that a pilot goes hey the tower just turned off. We have no fucking idea where we're at I'm scared, but if I'm in the fucking thing sitting there in a tower you can't even go through Why am I stressed out, but that's the country today. That's America now. We're all stressed out over dumb fucking reasons that you know Everybody's stressed out. I don't know what the fucking tell you. I just- Or to yoga. Get a whoop watch, exercise.

Everybody's so fucking stressed out and I get it, man. Times are rough. I'm looking around, man. Restaurants are empty. Comedy clubs empty. A major comedy club just bounced a check. Once you bounce a check, that's the beginning of the end, Jack.

That's all I know. There ain't no coming back from that. You don't bounce a check by mistake. especially a comedy club. That's a corporation So keep telling me how things are great. You're gonna jump up and down things are fucking rough and they're gonna get rougher Talk I'm an econ major. So out of habit. I look at things. I love looking at businesses and see what's going on Restaurants by my house that five years ago would be packed on a Tuesday night, got two people in those motherfuckers now on a Tuesday night.

It's a different fucking game. Well what about that, you were just talking about the Knicks game. It was the most expensive Knicks ticket in the history of the Knicks. Okay, that's great. So you bought a ticket. There's one ticket in there that's $31,000

and you bought it like a jerk off. You bring like some hot chick to be cool She don't know what the ticket costs unless you tell her I paid thirty one thousand for the ticket and they get lost by forty How bad do you feel well you might as well put a neck hat on the sweatshirt and jump up and down with fucking? The black guy the director. Oh, yeah, where was he? He wasn't jumping up and down He was sitting there fucking depressed, looking for Denzel Washington. Even Tracy Morgan was puking again. $30,000, that's just stupidity.

That is just something that you look at and go, and I get it, well Joey, he's worth $20 million, I know. But it's the fucking principle. And nobody knows it. I can see if 31,000, I wanna sit in the middle like up by the top and at halftime They zip me down and I get out of there like yeah nine nine problems, but a bitch ain't one You know what I'm saying? That's 31,000 but for 31,000 to sit next to a guy who paid 1,500 face How dumb do you fucking feel? Oh, yeah, but that's the stupidity of us now. That's how dumb we are now that

And you're bringing a girl that's hot, but she don't give a fuck about this game. Yeah, she's got a little Nick hat on, like they do during Yankee season. Look at the Nick games. Look at the first 10 rows and get back to me. They're not watching a game. Look, it's Denzel. Look, it's Artie Lane. Look, it's Christopher Columbus. That's what they're doing. They're not even watching the game. The people who watch the game, they're at home. Because they know, it's a bunch of fake Nick fans

all of a sudden that come out to show how much they love New York. And those idiots that get together and watch the game on the street behind a thing, get a fucking life. Get a life. Go find a tranny or something to hang out with that you have to go to a fucking life. Get a life. Go find a tranny or something to hang out with that you have to go to a fucking outside,

to a parking lot and look at a TV screen with 300 other idiots and jump around to show you're a New Yorker. You wanna be a New Yorker? Look at Rich Vos, motherfucker always got a knife on him. That's a New Yorker. And we'll be back, cocksuckers. What's happening, beautiful people?

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45 for three months Then you pay full price for options available Taxes fees extra see mint mobile for all your details. We're back bitches My main man rich Voss is here today fucking comedian extraordinaire old-school savage What's up, son. What's up son? What's up buddy, Lee Syatts here.

I'm still here. You know it's funny when I was like, we're talking about kids now and you know, my daughter went to a concert the other night. Who's the dude that played halftime? Lamar? Yeah, whatever his name. Kendrick Lamar.

Yeah, and she's dressed like, I go put a fucking coat on, okay? Because you and your friends are going to be the only white kids here. So you're going to stand out to begin with. So put something on your shit. And she's got her prom Friday. And last night, we're sitting at the table. I go, look, let me tell you what's sacred in this world.

God, your parents, and your virginity. Okay, you go to the prom, I said, he can get some titty, that's it, that's it. He said, you can get a little titty. I told her, he can get a little titty, that's it. So, you know. What was her reaction to this? Let me tell you, I got older daughters with kids,

I told them the same shit. You know, they didn't listen, but still, you gotta carry the message. You know, you're fucking, you're 17, you're good looking, little titty, move on. See what I'm saying? I am shocked. Why?

I am fucking shocked right now. I didn't know what to tell my daughter. I would not even know. I would not even know. You know. But you're not gonna grind them because then they'll want to be out there being freaks. It's like Catholic girls. Yeah. When they went to Holy Rosary Academy they were all nice and shit and when they bust out of there, they become fucking animals. You can't oppress them either. Yeah, you can't oppress them. No, I mean, you know, my kid is good. She's smart, she hangs out with other kids,

but you know, prom night, they're getting a house, 15 dudes and 15 girls, you know, they rented a house for the weekend. You know, listen, I didn't go to a prom because in 11th grade I raised my hand to go to the bathroom and I never came back. I just walked out and I said, fuck this, this ain't for me. But so I didn't really go to a prom. I went to some graduation parties, you know, they didn't know.

But I never went to a fucking prom or any of that shit, you know, and she's going Just you know, I just why couldn't you know, it's so much easier if you have a boy, you know I'm saying so much easier, but not as meaningful. No, it's not Be No, I know the same for me. I mean, I love a boy, you know, I would love anything I don't give a fuck at this point the game game. But I think with girls, especially guys like us, first off, God doesn't put a girl in your life unless you did something really bad.

I got three of them. As a kid, okay? That's why when I was 13, I knew I was gonna have daughters. I just knew it. God's gonna fuck with you. He's gonna make you pay for everything you said, everything you do, whatever. And then after, like I came to that realization,

I became better with women. Because I knew I'm gonna get, and sure enough, two fucking daughters. And you know, and it's like I tell people, it's tough to be a racist when you have a daughter. You know what I'm saying? I know, especially when you're oldest one's married to a black guy.

Uh, and they got the cutest little Puerto Rican baby. Especially when you're oldest one's married to a black guy. And they got the cutest little Puerto Rican baby. Is that what Jews and blacks make? Yeah, Puerto Rican babies. This kid is fucking the coolest. You know, I FaceTime with him and stuff. But I have three daughters, yeah. But they all grew up, you know what? They all grew up great.

Because like you, my ex-wife, myself, were in my kids' lives. You know what I mean? We were involved. I would go to all... And every time I call you, you're out of game. I went to all my daughter's games. I was in the stand yelling and screaming, you know, because I had money on the game, but still, you know what I mean? These kids better cover. So but I, if you're there for your kids, but I don't know why I'm talking about kids because I heard you earlier. If you show your kids attention and affection, they'll grow to be pretty good kids. You know what I'm saying?

Usually, usually. You know, I'm saying? Usually, usually. You know, my parents were nowhere to be, not my mother's fault. My father was nowhere to be found. You know, he's all, whatever. So my mother couldn't control me. She couldn't control me. I had a situation in my house about a year ago. My wife was fucking traumatized.

Like she'd let me know about the future quickly I Talked my wife because I didn't really know I Didn't want her to think that I was a stiff or I didn't trust it So my daughter asked me about a concert and I go sure you go see the fucking girl and it was chaperone And she found some other kid to go with her. My wife went up to pick the kid up. The kid had like purple hair and shit and she was Mercy's age and she was fucking chubby with like a barrel dress on and my wife was like,

you know, whatever, I don't know what kids like to dress like. And then she went to the show and there was a man with a dress on with a beard standing in front of my daughter. And during the fucking concert, they were running ads for Palestine. It was just one thing after the other that got me hotter and hotter. Well, my wife is a fucking redneck and she's a fucking Christian and it broke her. When they got home

They were both crying and I asked my wife what happened and she goes I'm gonna fucking kill her She called my wife a We don't like Transvestites what's that when you don't like? Transphobic my wife lost it My wife went upstairs. They were yelling at each other, and like two days later I asked Mercy, what the fuck was that? And she's like, dad, she's not used to it and stuff.

And then a couple weeks later, the chick won an MTV award. And that's the night she came out talking about, they should start a fund for all these artists. And I'm like, I turned the TV on. And I go, Mercy, we gotta talk. This ain't the world. This is a chick looking for attention. First off, she's the ugliest little girl I've ever seen in my TV. Oh, I go mercy. We gotta talk this ain't the world. This is a chick looking for attention first off She's the ugliest little girl I've ever seen in my life. That is the ugliest fucking kid

I have ever and that's what they you know, yeah, they went to fucking not California pizza kitchen I don't go to that place went to the other place the Cheesecake Factory. Oh, yeah fucking tremendous she wanted to go so no the place is huge on taking her there and sure enough Two fifteen year old girls 400 pounds apiece and they're what what are they rock? What are they? With the fucking makeup with the wig and what are they? Unfuckable and I told my and I told my daughter I go you see those two goth chicks Oh goth what and now they now they're 400 pounds a piece,

they're probably freshmen in college. They could just go to the gym and be accepted. I mean that's the shit that I don't know what's going on in the world. Like when a parent looks at a child and goes, we have to talk. Well those- You cannot have fucking goth shit on.

You know, it's just, we've gone somewhere else. I see it with coaching Like you're supposed to be scared of your parents at some point and when you have a coach like Talk when I was growing up I had coaches that in rec that would fucking make you go off Like you ran the whole fucking hour with no ball. And I see these fucking softball parents, not the parents, but the coaches. And it's like, everybody raises their kid petrified. I'm not scared. I'm scared of what she'll turn out like.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like I'm petrified, like I could die tomorrow. And she's a 14 year old kid and it's the same, it's a cycle of what happened to me it's a girl who's lost now and You know, she's gonna stall for a while because it's hard to recover from a death That's my biggest fear rich is what happens to our kids later on if we don't do the right job We can do the best job in the world and I could still fuck and have a daughter that wants to strip

Yeah. Well, here's the thing. First of all those ads for Palisade to concert, I'm sure they weren't for rentals anyhow. No, but it pisses me off when you went to see Led Zeppelin, the Black Sabbath, the B-52s. It wasn't political. This whole thing is wrong. Like this whole fucking thing is wrong. Well look at that Irish band that put up a big sign, fuck Israel, they lost their visas. But you know, it's all political and they're brainwashing the kids.

Not only the world, their teachers, their professors in colleges, you know what? Back in the 60s and 70s, liberalism was open-mindedness, looking at things from both sides. Now, both sides have been hijacked by extremists. You're either this or this, you know what I'm saying? And they're fucking these kids. Half these kids protesting on these college campuses, they're just dumb white girls that have no idea you could they have no idea about history you know history American history more or less foreign history you know so I don't want to get into politics but they're all being brainwashed right now these kids they're

being brain and I tell my daughter you, you got to make your look at things from both sides make your own decision hang out with white kids and When I was 18 and 19 yeah politics was the last thing I was yes me too And again, even a chaperone would have put up Pro Israel stuff. Yeah, and I would have been at the show. I would have said, no, no, no. What the fuck are you doing with this shit? And like I told my daughter, I'm happy you don't fucking listen to me.

I stopped playing her in the fucking car. I don't mind the fucking Irish chick, Billie Eilish. I don't mind those bitches. Saw it with tea, but that fucking show, I can't take that and I don't want that in my life. I don't want that in her fucking head. And I don't want her to have that type of behavior in her head It's fucking lame and it's ruining fucking kids that you got to say something at some point go Hey, no, it ain't gonna work. That's true though. But if you said pro it none of it

I don't want to I don't hear about none of that. I went to last car show I went I was in Arizona and a club owner took me to see Springsteen. He didn't do any of his political shit. He just came out, did almost, what, four hours or something? I don't know, whatever he played. He killed, it was a good concert, and I left. There was no stopping and talking about this or that. Just play your fucking music

and let me get the fuck out. That's all You know, yeah to get the listen. I look at these concerts online. Do what I look at some of these concerts online I wouldn't stay there. I Wouldn't go to have these concerts. It's just embarrassing at this point. I haven't gone to I know No, I don't know that you went had a good time, but like these these guys now to the touring, it's like, come on guys. I didn't really have... Come on guys, like stop, stop.

The dude that took me was a real Springsteen fan and he's singing and he turns and sings to me. What the... You're a dude. Don't be fucking singing to me. Turn the fuck around. Sing out that way. I'm not from the Jersey side where Springsteen was king.

I'm from the Jersey side where Ted Nugent was king. And if you like Springsteen, it wasn't gonna be a good afternoon for you. I was more. It was not gonna be a good afternoon for you. I liked Southside John. I was more of a Ramones guy. I liked the Ramones.

I liked the B-52s. Ramones were fucking, I loved the Ramones back then, you know, whatever. Springsteen, he... They went half-retarded to the Ramones. Yeah, well he had a... He looks fucking half-retarded. That guy looks like an ugly Howard Stern. Oh yeah, he's in badger. Go away, please. I know. Oh, that's punk music. Go away, leave me the fuck alone. I was a big fan, because they were from my hometown,

Parliament Funkadelics. Oh, I like Parliament Funkadelics. I was a big Mothership Connection. Yeah, that's all good. They were from Plainfield, a couple of them. I was going to see those motherfuckers in 95 in Boulder. They were coming like once a month, and that was a great fucking show.

I like all that stuff. I wish I was in town. They're playing down at Asbury Park. Yeah, they're doing something. God damn. How old is he now though? Oh George Clinton. He's got I think he's older than Biden His hair must smell bad That fucking patchouli whatever they put in their hair to fuck me. He's three keep those dreads. That's not bueno He's about to be a relaxers. That's not bueno. He's about to be 84 in July.

Relaxer, that wasn't. No, that's not relaxer. Remember when I went to prison, that was big. Everybody had the Jerry Curl in prison and they would have to wear a shower cap. In the daytime, it's shit. They would have to wear a shower cap. I'm like, I can't handle this.

I'll show you a picture later. My hair was, I had a big afro. So did I. Did you? So did I. I'm from Mark Bergen. And with the humidity, it really goes off. Well, so I had an afro.

I had an afro, curly ass hair. And then I went to New York and I went to this hairdresser because I wanted a shag. Like, uh. Like the carpet? No, like they had, it was like feathered. So I had, I went to this hairdresser, because I wanted a shag. Like, uh. Like the carpet? No, like they had, it was like feathered, so I went to this place, they cut my hair,

and hot combed it, and I had the nicest shag until the first time I watched it, and that shit shot back up to an afro. I had a shag for two days. When you were a kid, you don't understand that, like what the fuck this guy do to my aunt? I gotta figure out this magician trick and shit. This shit was nice, man.

I went to school like David Cassidy. But, you know, back to my black high school with the my afro. So you're from Plainfield? Plainfield, yeah. Jesus Christ. And that was rough in the 80? Plainfield, yeah. Jesus Christ. And that was rough in the 80s and 70s dogma. Kids used to come to my, in high school, they'd carry guns to school.

In high school, I remember Willie, like he pulled out his gun and this friend said, don't fuck with me. They go, don't fuck with him, he's cool, right? Like I never got fucked with him because I grew up playing sports and, you know, smoking ree fuck with him, he's cool, right? Like I never got fucked with him because I grew up playing sports and smoking reefer and selling, whatever. Even the gangster Earl,

Earl, if you owe the money, he took you to the park and made you strip and he threw you in the pond and they fuck you up and they can beat your ass. He used to take people for a ride. He owned two Deuce in the Quarters, all right? Two Electra, two 25s. Big drug dealer.

Love me, love me. All, you know, I just grew up amongst that. So, but dudes in the late 75, our school was terror. It was terror. I'm telling you. Like, one day me and my friend, cause we were in Plainfield, we go, let's go up to Wajong and look at some white girls.

And we drove up to the school and we'll walk around and the principal came and goes, look, I know you two aren't from here. Go back to wherever the fuck you're from. Just get out of here. Was he black, your friend? No, white dude. We went to just go to another school.

How many white dudes were there in Plainfield High in those days? It wasn't a lot, but like, they had a high school reunion. So I went just to show, you know, see some old friends and shit. I didn't sign up, I just, you know, I was at the, right by the bridge, by the mall, by my house that year.

So my wife can remember me there, and it was like me and three other white guys. She didn't believe I went to like a black high school, and she came to the reunion, she goes, oh damn, you were right, right? And Roxanne was there, she was so fine in high school, but you know, we're older now. But I saw dudes, dudes, so I did like

10 minutes, 15 minutes, they brought me on, and the same Muslim motherfucker with his bow tie was still Muslim, right? Same people. And Gerald was there, he used to sit the bench for the basketball, you know, I was fucking with dudes, I went to school, it was so much fun because, you know, these are dudes I grew up with since fifth sixth grade played sports They were all there and they're fucking I mean pimp the fuck out. They look you know Bad schools down there. What's that and Salkin? Camden, oh, yeah playing field Malcolm X Shabazz was a bad school star and

Plainfield, Malcolm X Shabazz was a bad school. East Orange, West Orange. One year they flipped the North Bergen Bus, the basketball bus. What? Freshman Christmas tournament, they flipped the North Bergen Bus. Well, Plainfield won the states in basketball this year. Plainfield won the states.

Oh, they win the states every fucking year. They're fucking, yeah. I mean, they. Plainfield, then it wasn't Pisaic, maybe it was bad. What was the school where everybody from, everybody from Louisville, Louisville in the 80s had four players from a fucking Jersey school, and they called it the Louisville Connection.

From Jersey, oh, Elizabeth? Maybe it was Elizabeth. Because Elizabeth put out some players. Yeah, early on, yeah. Gil Chapman. I think that dude is from Jersey too. The dude that plays for Dallas, the crazy guy that was a Nick

and he was saying anti-Semitism. Oh, you're talking about? Tyree Irving. What's it? Tyree Irving. He thinks the world is flat. Yeah, a lot of them do. Fucking Wiz Khalifa thinks it.

I never even thought about it. And if it's flat, I don't give a fuck. You want to see flat look at my wife's ass It's like fucking Jackie Chan from behind You know it's it's who gives a fuck in the world first of all the world ain't flat My globe at home is now we're talking last night. We're talking about salt and other shit We're watching mob land after mobland. We were just talking. And we're fucking, and my wife's like,

you never really had interest. She goes, can you fill me in on that? And I'm like, listen. You know, I don't know. About what? About, I just never, I don't give a fuck. If it's got nothing to do with me, I really don't, like if it's a flat earth or if it's a round earth, I don't give a fuck. If it's got nothing to do with me, I really don't, like if it's a flat earth

or if it's a round earth, I don't give a fuck. I know. Like you want me to worry about who shot Kennedy? It's 2025. It was 60 years ago, he got shot in the head. I don't give a fuck who shot him or how they shot him. I've always been like that. If it had nothing to do with how we're gonna put

five dollars in our pocket, it's got nothing to do with me. Yeah, that's true. I mean. If it had nothing to do with how we're gonna put five dollars in our pocket, it's got nothing to do with me. Yeah, that's true. I mean, I don't know. And it's like, some people have distractions in their life. I fucking don't even let distract. Like I just, and people get mad. Like a couple weeks ago, I went on a couple podcasts

and I spoke about that shit. I don't care about Epstein or Diddy or none of that shit. It has nothing to do with, I just don't have time to even think about that stuff. My life growing up was fucked up. I got comfortable being uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, me too. I got comfortable being uncomfortable.

So I have my own shit to deal with. You know, whether it be anxiety, getting sober, raising a family, my own shit to deal with. You know, now I'm dealing with a lot of other shit. I'm not dealing with it. I'm just being affected by it from outside issues, you see what I mean, you know, because of my religion. But it's not personally affecting me,

because you know what I'm saying? I'm not in college or I'm not, you know, my job isn't, I know what you're saying. Just take, I worry about my kids. And not even my friends. It's like when I see somebody on TV, like, oh yeah, we're having a benefit for blind kids. And they invite people over to the house and they cater and they put this big should do on them.

But meanwhile, they got a cousin who needs fucking money. Yeah, or they. I never understood that shit. You got people in your circle, but you wanna help. And it's like, I know you do it for attention. At the end of the day, it's for fucking attention. So people come over and go, oh, he's such a good person. And at the end of the day, nobody gives a fuck.

As long as you have food there. Somebody's birthday on Facebook. Nobody really gives a fuck. You know what really bugs me is those people online who like, they'll go find someone, like a homeless guy or whatever, and they'll give them money and they'll, like, they do it nice. In theory it's a nice thing, but they have a, they're interviewing a homeless guy.

Here's the thing. They do it nicely, in theory it's a nice thing, but they have a, they're interviewing a homeless guy. Here's the thing, first of all, donation is not supposed, when you donate, you're not supposed to let people know because it's self-serving. Donation, like I never let people know that, I send money to St. Jude, that's between me and St. Jude. Because they're the only legitimate one. you know, I send money to St. Jude. That's between me and St. Jude because. I send money to St. Jude.

They're the only legitimate one. But people go on Facebook, it's my birthday, can you donate to, no. Go fuck yourself. I got my own cause. On Facebook in the morning, nothing bothers me more. Donate to, go fuck yourself. I gotta go to the car and get my wallet

to say happy birthday, go fuck yourself. Forget it. Forget I even had a good fucking brother where they want to be, oh, my birthday. I want to donate to cats of Newark. Listen, a cat ain't going to get a dollar from me. All right? Just take your fucking happy birthday

and move on with your fucking life. You got a happy birthday for me. Now I got to donate to Africans or some blind school. Get the fuck. I'm not going out to the car to get my wallet. I'm to donate to Africans or some blind school. Get the fuck. I'm not going out to the car to get my wallet. I'm not doing it. My wallet's in my car. The other day I called a doctor.

Can we have your insurance card? Anthem. Can we have the number? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I got referred to you from a fucking doctor. You think you would have referred me if I had no fucking insurance?

Well, call back when you have the number. And then I got to wait another 80 days. It's anthem. Write it down and give me a fucking appointment. The lady just like froze. Why? You know I'm calling you. I'm fucking legit.

And you wanna break my fucking balls now. Or call me back. No, I ain't calling you fucking back. And say something, I'll call your fucking supervisor. It's anthem. I got a reference. You know the doctor? Yeah, we will. Then what the fuck? You think he would call you a fucking supervisor. It's anthem, I got a reference, you know the doctor? Yeah, we will, what the fuck?

You think he would send you a fucking deadbeat? The fuck is wrong with these people? Un-fucking-believable. I went to physical therapy and they go fill this shit out. I go, I was here already once. How many times I had to fill it out?. I go I was here already once I We're gonna send you a pro-package what's your medication listen, I know you see my wife next to me Yeah, don't ask me a fucking question unless you I got people my sister today. So what kind of Me for I just know nothing. I'm telling you what I know it's for fungus

You know where where'd you get it? What what what disease is your daddy? You see my wife next to me? She got all the paperwork Bank, I don't know Bank of America. Everybody goes to Bank of America, right? Yeah, the fuck is wrong with people I know I gotta fill out like I didn't that's the reason I quit school. I didn't like filling shit out. No Every time you call a doctor we're gonna send you a package for what I gotta get there 10 minutes early Now I gotta bring reading glasses and fill stupid shit out. Have you ever had hepatitis? I don't fucking know I had chlamydia. They disappeared one day Okay, stop leaking. I never heard from it again.

Has your dad lost any toes? What the fuck? What really gets me is when I walk in, not even hello, what are you here for? Insurance and I, motherfucker, slow the fuck down. Do I look like I'm gonna rip you the fuck off? The first thing. I fuck with them now, occupation, savage.

You know, oh yeah. Where'd your father die from? Oh yeah, where'd your father die from? Heroin, where'd your mother die from? She got stabbed 20 times, she's getting raped. And I love when they read the paperwork, they look at it and they look at me for a second, and then they know I'm not fucking around. I'm not here, what's with the questions? I got fucking sick, I got Derviculitis,

whatever the fuck it is. Why you asking me fucking questions and making me talk? I'm in fucking physical therapy this morning and the dude he used to play football He used to play halfback for the Giants, but now he's so they have me on this thing doing this. I go. This is gay I go I laugh at people in the gym doing this 30 minutes. I gotta pay Get up mongo They did the same shit to me too, I know massage me make me come do something Dollars insurance don't want to cut it then they want to Michael needle me like yeah a little fucking needle. It's like fucking a little

Whatever with the little dicks. It's just a little fucking needle little Filipino Fucking gum ball dicks that yeah, this is gonna change your life. I'm gonna change my fucking life This is my give me the Jap with a long fucking needle. That's what works He's I'm fucking around with rubber bands out with rubber bands. How do people react to you saying this? I'm just imagining like a 22 year old kid answering the phone. I'm done guys. I'm 62 and I've earned this fucking right as an American.

I paid taxes, I was a felon, I did my time, I paid taxes and I fucking deserve better treatment from medical and all these fucking idiots. And you gotta call them out from time to time and not they keep, they'll keep fucking with you. They keep fucking with you. Why do I have to go get my insurance card? I told you I got insurance. That's all you need to know, anthem.

A-N-T-E-N-S-E-N. That's it, what's the number? I don't know, 21963. Do the fucking math, I don't fucking know. Now I gotta go play 219. You get so, you get so like fucking, like I'm not into it no now. I gotta go play 219 you get so You get so like fucking like I'm not into it no more. Like I'm just not into it no more I well, I don't I've already lived too far. We already took down People's Express. I took down People's Express in 84 It's two times. I'm 25

and MCI I Took down Discover card by myself. I took Discover card. They sent me those checks, those blank checks. Remember when they would send you the card but then they'd send you those blank checks? That card was cut up and I still was using those checks. I would show up with a feather with blood, yeah.

How much? When I had my paint business, I feel bad. I gotta hook these, paint stores used to give me paint on credit. Anytime you gave me anything on credit, you never saw me again. You ain't gonna see me again. You know, what the fuck is wrong with,

at the bar where I went to, they had me on a sign with other, the absolute deadbeat list, because I was passing bad checks. You know, what the fuck, they took them. That was a Sunday. Like Sunday you woke up with no money. I got checks, I got money, you know what I'm saying?

Sunday's a good day to write a check. Nobody could check them out. You're in there buying, fuck it. Yeah, give them a couch. Fuck it. This is why they ask for your numbers on the phone now. Fuck you. Let me tell you, checks are like money, man so I used to work for this company free in Fairview the guy was a scumbag

He would yeah, it was like a fucking he was a carpenter's helper It was seven bucks an hour and I would go and he go all the first two hours You don't get paid cuz it's in the car. He was just do douchey things I still remember a couple times not having lunch money and not even offering like he just did a bunch of Do she thing and they were supposed to meet me one fucking Friday and he never showed up It was like a $60 check. I was living with George. I go George drive me down to this guy's house I just kicked the back door in I took his Dom Perignon and fuck. Yeah Magnum I took a bunch of shit. That's right. Yeah, like $180 to go

I took every I wouldn't George drove me to a couple places. When I said George I'll be right back. I just kicked the fucking door down. No, allegedly it happened. It was 40 years ago. They can't fucking take me to court now. He had a roommate that wouldn't give him 200 bucks. I stole his car stereo and the government check he got.

And cashed it. And cashed it like a motherfucker. I was working for this club, this guy that booked rooms, right? That's when I first, and he got kicked out of his house. So he had all his shit in his hotel room, right? And I was working the hotel. He had, he booked a room there. So this motherfucker after my show didn't have my money. I went and took his TV, right? Not TV and I come home with it my ex-wife goes Oh, so you working for a microwave next week, but that TV lasted eight years I

Took his TV. I took this carpet and pay me. I took his saws off or whatever It's a you know expensive saw listen just give my fucking money. I don't wanna have to steal your shit. I don't do it now, you know, because I'm getting paid. But back in the day, and even if you did pay me and left shit around, I go, you didn't pay me enough. Dude, I forgot you had a painting business. One of my favorite things to watch online is when they don't pay a contractor

and the contractor destroys the shit that they did That must feel so good. Well, and I say this on stage, but this I was fucked up I owed see what I would do is I would go to the Garage sales and I buy like these old golf clubs for like five dollars a set rusty old golf clubs So then I go to a coke dealer, I go give me a gram on credit, I leave my golf clubs as collateral.

I said don't sell my clubs. So come Friday, I owed everybody in town money. And I had an old Dodge pickup truck. So I would have my workers paint my truck with house paint. So I had a different color. Dear boss, he had, no, he had a red truck. That's shutter green semi-gloss. I would paint my truck.

I would paint it different colors every week. And then people, I was fucked up. This is my life then. People would pay me for Benjamin Moore paint. That's good paint. And I had for Benjamin Moore paint. That's good paint. And I had the Benjamin Moore cans. So I would go buy the $5 paint and pour it into the Benjamin Moore cans

then show up at the house with Benjamin Moore with shitty paint in it. I'm driving away, the house is already peeling and shit. But I made amends to some people, you know, said I'm sorry. I was back then. And their house is still shitty. They said they're sorry, they still missed the wall. You know man, I'm thinking of writing a book, another book.

And it was, I have a couple of ideas for different books, but one was, and it would be embarrassing, it would be the life of an addict. And some of the shit, you know, I said it all but There's some shit that you think of and you go what the fuck was I doing that day? I still remember dumping an ounce of coke in a bathroom hotel in Denver and For hours kneeling on my hands and knees Just licking the side of the bowl

And you wonder what the fuck is wrong with me my hands and knees just licking the side of the bowl. And you wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Underneath because the water threw the coke up. So the coke would turn brown on the toilet. And I would just take it and put it in my nose for hours. Why'd you dump it? You thought somebody was coming? Okay. I was living in Boulder with my girlfriend at the time

and I got a call one night. She called me She goes your friends are in town They they're at the airport. They're waiting for you So I got my car drove to Stapleton Airport and that when I pulled up the guys like bro I know you're looking for those four gorillas. I put them in a cab and I sent them to The strip club the real popular one. No, no, no, this is in Denver So it's a big one in Denver and I sent them to the strip club, the real popular one. No, no, no, this is in Denver. So it's a big one in Denver.

And I go, okay, something Charlie's, something Charlie's. I took the cab, I walk in, everybody's dancing, the strippers, my four buddies have a stripper surrounded, they're throwing her up in the air. I'm like, oh my God. So I'm like, what are you guys doing? They go, we got a hotel across the street, we got four ounces of Coke.

And I'm like, what the fuck? And they're bringing strippers over, but he bought a whole block of, there was four of them, and he bought a whole block of hotel rooms upstairs. I don't wanna say his name. And fuck, and we were up there for like two days, and they got so paranoid, they were hiding the coke. You know when you take the tissue paper out of the wall

when you wash your hands? They were taking the tissue out and hiding in there and closing the tissue. They had six bathrooms with the coke hidden in those tissue compartments. So, I don't know, we woke up two days later and they're like, we gotta go back home to North Bergen and they had like three ounces of coke.

So he goes, take two of them and send us the money. Okay. Yeah, good. Sure, I'll get rid of it. I'll send you the money tomorrow. This'll be gone. And I went back to Boulder, left that ounce in my house and me and my girl for the time,

she drove me to the hotel and she goes, I have to go back home to do something with my parents, but I'll be back at 11 to spend the night with you and we'll finish doing the coke. I'm like, okay. I go, stop at a liquor store. It was one in the afternoon. I go up to this hotel room.

I'm in there doing coke, watching TV, and also I'm starting to get paranoid. Like 30 minutes later, and I go, let me look out the window. And it's one car after the other. A car would pull up, and then three minutes later, the car would pull up, and another one would pull up, and I'm like, the car would pull up and another one would pull up and I'm like, oh fuck, they're switching cars on me. And I'm hearing zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz take off and another car pulls up you watch it for two hours for two three hours I was paranoid was on my hands and knees sweating finally. I hear people talking in the hallway. I go fuck this

Oh, no, no, no, no, it gets better. They have a tub of water in the room You know what? The every house hotel has a little thing of water I filled it up with water and I threw a coke rock in there to see how long it would take for the Coke rock to dissolve. And since case of date came in, okay, it was a big Coke rock and like 12 ounces, maybe 16 ounces of water. You're gonna love this. So now I'm still fucking banging that.

I got no shirt on. I got like, you know like when you order the porn but you don't have enough money, so the porn would come in sideways so you'd have to jerk off on your back and catch like little things, my dick's not getting hard, the whole fucking thing. I'm going through an hour of this

and finally I'm hearing people coming up steps. I'm like, the DEA is here. I'm looking out the window, cars are pulling up and then pulled away. And I took the fucking, and I dumped in the toilet and I flushed the toilet and I could see the coke going down and I'm like, and after I dumped it, all the drills stopped.

Everything fucking stopped, right? So I'm gonna just stay in there for hours and I'm just licking the coke off the fucking things for hours and my phone's ringing in the hotel room, I'm not answering it. And finally I go, fuck, I'm thirsty. And I go and I grab that water with the Coke Rock. Now I'm talking to myself at this point.

I'm so out of it, I'm like, you know, I gotta get my life together. I gotta go back to church and shit. I drank the water with the Coke in it and my voice disappeared. I started talking like Mickey Mouse. So my wife is calling me, who's my girlfriend at the time, she's like, what are you doing?

Do you still have any coke left? I'm like, I couldn't talk. So finally I got dressed, about three in the morning, I went downstairs to see if there were cops. It was a fucking ATM machine, like a drive-thru for like something, they were pulling up and leaving, I'm like, god damn it. That was like the eighth time I had dumped an ounce of coke.

One time I thought there were dogs out there. When I went out there there was fire hydrants. I'm like, oh my God. I thought there were fire. Carl, the redneck I was with, kept yelling, they got dogs. We went out there the next day, it was fire hydrants covered with snow on it. I fucking, one night, I mean, I was so,

I smoked all night. I don't know, and I stayed at my mom's house and I was getting dressed, undressed and I was naked or something, and I thought I saw a rat run across the floor. I thought, so I took a plate of peanut butter and put it in the center of the floor and I made a net out of one of my mother's stockings and a hanger and I was sitting on a couch half naked holding a stocking net with peanut butter on the

floor and my mother walked in goes, rats? No. I mean, the shit that goes on in your head. I'm so glad that, look, I don't know, I'm sure you, but I'm on borrowed time. I should be dead from the shit I did. You know, this is fucking, it's amazing that I could sit here, laugh and talk, you know, this is fucking, it's amazing that I could sit here, laugh and talk, you know, about some of the crazy shit we used to do.

I bought my, my friends go, get me an eighth of Coke. So I got them an eighth of Coke. And they go, we'll be asleep, shove it under the door. Shove it under the door. I made five trips going back that night with the fucking hanger, pulling it back. Pulling it back By the time they woke up there was maybe you know, I spec left, you know, I would man it's just

Coke fucked up Pete like if there wasn't coke in the 80s. It was just pad or alcohol whatever I probably have like a regular life. Coke fucked everything up. Like I wouldn't even snort anymore. To me, that was like reading a book backwards. I'd be at a party, want to snort Coke, what are you wasting it for? Shut the fuck up. I don't want to snort in it. But you know, after that bottom that I had up in Boston or wherever the fuck up. I don't wanna snort in it, but You know after that bottom that I had up in Boston or wherever the fuck I was Whoo, it was a bad run a bad run. You know I'm thinking about where Nikki lives now that building was a fucking war zone and We had friends that lived in that building

that they would get so fucking paranoid that they would tie a string around their wrist and tie the string to the doorknob so if anybody came in, they could hear the wrist and let's even get deeper. Your friend, God rest his soul, used to put parachutes on his cocaine because he lived on the 30th floor.

So if the cops came in, he would throw the coke out the window and they would land down on the floor with little parachutes and he he lived on the 30th floor he got so paranoid that he greased his balcony so if you tried to climb through it he would fall off fucking die that's when you're fucking paranoid when you grease the balcony so if somebody, if Spider-Man just happens to be in the fucking neighborhood, you're gonna fucking kill him. When you were high you thought people could climb buildings. Oh my god. I was in the halfway house and I got furloughed. And my in-law said he could furlough here.

They were really Catholic, so they put me on the trailer. And it was the dead of summer. And I went in the house. I stood with them until about 930. I couldn't wait. I started yawning at 930. I had an eight ball waiting for me outside with like a case of Lombra. And it was really good coke

It was 80 degrees that night. I remember being in there four in the morning and seeing people With white dressed in white with the trees all had snow on them and they had the fucking rope with the machine gun in one hand And they were going down And fucking I'm like, oh my my god I'm throwing the coke away it fell that day it was all over the floor so I'm like a Vietnam vet pretty much crawling bumping into an eight rock over there going oh boy there's another one I stayed on the floor for like four fucking hours and then I was and then I saw coke in a halfway house and that's where I really saw a paranoia. There was a kid that called

into the podcast Alejandro Rea. I loved the Mexican kid. I would give him an eight ball of coke and he would shave for 12 hours. He would do what? Shave. The next day he wouldn't have no skin left like you could see where all this and all this was fucking was different than his skin color because he would sit in the bathroom all night with a towel on with shaving cream Shave and snorting coke Dude we've been doing the podcast for like 13 years. I've heard a lot of coke stories. It doesn't sound like fun When you're fucking in it you're're in it. And you think you're having fun.

Like it's really, you know, people say, what's that definition of insanity? Doing something over and over with the same results. Have to rock. Expecting different results, yeah. You know, I still remember like buying Coke just to get paranoid. Like hiding under my bed.

I still remember nights when I left three different hotel rooms. I'd go to a hotel room, sit down, snort a line and go, we gotta get out of here. And drive a mile to a hotel next door and get another room and sit there and go, we gotta get out of here. I did all that crazy shit.

I would do it and it'd be three in the morning, I'd be sitting outside my mother's park and I would just walk laps around the block to try to walk it off. I wouldn't walk on site. I walked and you could hear my footstep, it was so quiet. People are going, what's this guy doing?

Walk in, cops, what are you doing? I go just exercising. But you would do it just to come down from it. Like I'm so glad you know you The fact is if I did it now, I would die with all no me too. That's shit in it. I would just die I just know that I have money too I just know that I would drink a Budweiser and do a line first of all I had the opportunity to share out of the this is gonna be 18 years

I haven't touched that shit. And last New Year's, I know when people are doing it. I'm a colleague. I go in the bathroom and I hear, you know, I know. And it doesn't bother me or affect me or make me relapse or anything. But this last New Year's, I went to a party after New Year's after New Year's that I wasn't really supposed to be at.

And I went in there anyway, and they were snorting coke right in front of me. And I go, you know what, I'm gonna sit here and watch this theater. Like people watch me. It's a theater of pain. They don't even know. That's why, if anybody's shit got Academy Award,

it's boogie nights when the two chicks are talking in the bedroom and she goes do you want to go for a walk and she goes so do I and she goes not really and all that they're doing it fucking it was a perfect cocaine conversation they hit it out Julie Ann Moore she's having a fucking thing in there with the skinny chick that used to bang that dude from the store Heather Graham and they're talking and doing coke and she goes let's get out of the there with the skinny chick that used to bang that dude from the store, Heather Graham. And they're talking and they're doing coke and she goes, let's get out of the house.

And she goes, let's do it. And all of a sudden she goes, no, I don't really want to do it. I'm like, these guys are the good consultant. You know, the scene in Boogie Nights. Dog, I went to a house one night where there was a fucking white dude that I knew, a manager at the Improv. And he had a little Chinese gay guy over there with little diapers on and shit.

And I'm like, oh shit, this is right out of Boogie Nights. And there was somebody else over there, I'll tell you after the podcast. And I was like, God damn, it's real, it's real. Let me tell you. It's craziness, it's fucking craziness. I told this story, it's a famous story I told on the radio my short short story. So we used to cop from these two gay guys in in

East or West Orange, they live in the high-rise I'll say Doug and Dickie. I it's on my first album. I told a story. I know being a thing Doug and Dickie so We'd go up there, I'm gonna use fake names, me, Bill and Tom. And every time we'd go up there like Dickie, the light-skinned black dude, would ask one of them, hey come upstairs I gotta show you something. Give them tons of coke, ask if you could blow them and supposedly they said no, right? Now, I'm going up there week after week and Dickie's never asking me to go upstairs

and I'm starting to get a complex. Like my mom's like calm down, he'll ask to suck your dick, give it time, right? So I went up there, remember those basketball shorts with no pockets? Man, I those basketball shorts with no pockets? Man, I had basketball shorts on, no underwear. You could see just my ball bag, right? I'm going up tonight.

He's like, hey, hey, hey, Tommy, you wanna go upstairs? Leave that fucking homo down here. Basically, like, he even, that's how ugly I was that he never invited me upstairs. I poked up gay guy, never even wanna fuck your dick. That's not good for the ego. That's not good. Cause all you need is a, you shoulda gave him a whistle.

Gay guys love whistles and shit. Tell him he blow a little whistle in his muffler, he woulda gone fuck on the butt. He woulda said. Ha ha ha ha. You blow a little whistle on his muffler. He would have gone fuck a little bot There's no one who loves gay guys more than Joey and you invent sexual stuff for them Blowing how you gonna blow a whistle on someone's asshole. I Don't know but if anybody could figure out it's a gay man

They're fucking crafty. They'll figure out how to talk you into blowing a whistle. Up your asshole. Listen, somebody talk the Indians into selling New York. You can always talk somebody into doing something creepy at four in the morning when you got a bank book and they don't. Bad checks, coke, drive. Listen, I look back, I'm glad I did everything I did in life. Me too.

Because it put me where I am now, you know what I'm saying? You know, you are where you're at when you're supposed to be there. And you know, that was just my life, all the shit we did. But we did have fun. After high school, my friends and I, man, we went to parties, we had a good time.

And then those good times, well, you know, you leave one set of dudes, then you're hanging with dudes that do more, then you're with the next level of dudes, and next thing you know, you're in rehab. Next thing you know, you're like, your mom drops you off in the morning. You know, I always took them on my divorce.

That poor fucking girl. That girl lived through it. And one of the things I remember the most is I was supposed to go to our brother's wedding. I was supposed to go to brother's wedding about a month before. This is when I was crazy. I bought it, I'm still crazy, but I was real crazy. Like two weeks before that, I bought a ounce of Coke that was so good, and I was such a junkie

that I gave it to a friend of mine to hold it safe. And I said, do not give me this till February whatever, the day before the wedding. Do not give me this. Even if I threaten you, do not give it to me. And something happened, I never bothered them. And the day before the wedding, I went over there about three in the afternoon.

And I was supposed to take a flight at six in the morning to take me to Denver, and then the car would pick me up and drive me to Boulder for a wedding. I had a dog then. What was his name? Hercules. Hercules, I had a dog. And about four in the afternoon,

I just started doing a couple lines, one line led to another. About seven o'clock I said, I need a cocktail. I went and I said, I could buy a bottle of tequila, but I'll buy everything now. Case of beer, a case of this. I was by myself, guys. And it was midnight, then it was five in the morning,

and that dog wanted to go out to pee, and I wouldn't let him. I'm like, you ain't going out there. There's the boogie man's out there Hercules and I went straight like I didn't go to the wedding the phone kept ringing. I didn't leave the fucking house I didn't let the dog out till Saturday at midnight when the cops came. I was calling the cops on myself. I Was like there's somebody out there, the cops are coming around. How many times I called them that night? Three times.

Every hour on the aisle, I called them, there's a burglar out there. And the last time they came, they're like, Joey, put away the bag. They're like, do you want us to take it and we'll bring it back tomorrow. Oh, what bag are you talking about? I had it hidden in the sink so I could hit it

with the disposal. And I kept putting my hand in there going, I'm gonna lose my fingers. It was fucking terrible. And I still remember like Sunday, I had no coke left, but I'm still trying to masturbate. And I'll tell you what I was watching. I was watching the girl in red with, what's her name?

The pretty girl from the 80s. I was watching the girl in red with, what's her name? The pretty girl from the 80s? I mean this is 1986 so. Kelly LeBrock. Kelly LeBrock shows her monkey for a little split second when What's His Name calls her from the window. What's His Name, Gene Wilder, calls her from the car. She throws the blanket up and gets up and you see her little bush fruit a second

I figured out how to freeze it on that I just froze it on that bush and for 12 hours. I was like this has to happen nothing That's embarrassing you're trying to jerk off and nothing happens and If you have coke how many times did this? You have coke and you call a girl and she's like, I'll be right over. But then you actually jerk off and come and you're like, I'm not letting her in. Fuck her, she can knock out there all night.

She's out there banging on the door, hurry up, it's me. That's it, I already came. I'm keeping this coke. I was, I didn't have, this wasn't a coke, but I was working rascals and I picked this girl, rascals down the shore, there was a club down in Ocean Town. Yeah, 35, 35, 34. And I picked this girl up, so I take her to the diner,

I get her, eat burger, whatever, not the deluxe, but the burger, and you know, you don't get fries yet. So, then we get in the car, we're making out, she goes, I can't make out in the diner. So then I pull next door to the car, watch, she goes, what's wrong with you? And there was a hotel across the street,

like a crack hotel on the other side, so I pull in the hotel. There wasn't a car in the parking lot, not one car. So we're in the car before I go in, we start making out, and she either blows me or gives me a hand job and I bust a nut. I go, I'll be right back. So I go in the hotel, I walk back,

I go, oh man, they're all sold out, right? Do I want lunch? She goes, there's no cars. She goes, yeah, it's a crack hotel, they don't have cars. I mean, I gave her one of my CDs, but still. Take the shit. What CD? When you're into drugs, you get creepy about that shit.

There was a chick I really liked before I got married and I would team up when I was doing coke But I started to learn her period Schedule so I wouldn't go over there those five days and she would call me come over. I'm horny not tonight I'm not sharing coke with you. You're bleeding bitch. I'm not going With some greedy motherfuckers. I did a podcast with Theo, and he was talking about it. How many nights he would get coked up, call a hooker, and get so paranoid he wouldn't let him in.

He would slip money out the hole and say go away. And then he let one in, and the next day she got sick and he took care of her for a week. And he goes, we're still friends man, I like her. That's hilarious, That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I, I, I. Drugs take you to places that

you never think you'd go, like sometimes. And you go and you're like, I'm not gonna do that again. But, it was fun. I fucking. It was fun. It was a fun fucking 20 years for me to be in the club. I loved it. It was fun until I, till it wasn't fun, until I started.

It's not fun anymore. When my back started jolting in the middle of the night, I would get these jolts in my back at the end. And I'm like, I'm gonna die pretty soon. And that's what stopped me at the end. I had that and my wife. That's why I said, fuck this. I was at this bar at a film center, 40 cent drafts.

I had maybe a dollar for two drafts. I didn't know how I was getting back home. I was fucked up. This girl, I think she was hot. She came sat at my table and she goes, can I buy you a drink? I go, yeah. She goes, well, you gotta walk up and get it.

And she gave me $20. I walked up to the bar, ran out the door, and took off. And I go, it doesn't get any lower than that. Then I was in like rehab maybe two or three weeks later. I mean, I just stole the girl's $20. And it's, you think, oh, it's only 20 bucks. But you can't, you're like, you got no money, you gotta figure out a way to get high.

You know, I snatched some shit out of this dude's hand, he punched me twice in the head. Next thing you know, I threw it in the pipe, it was soap. You know, what the fuck you hitting me over soap for? Don't rip me off when I'm ripping you off. What the fuck is that about? I know, but it's, let me tell you something. It's, there's no good ending.

No, there never is. There's no good ending to that shit. No good ending. And you know, look, when he started, he had hair. I had a lot of things. Right? Brain cells, but it's, I gotta be honest though. I't I get paranoid and like that's why I like wheat is because it shuts off like people say they get

paranoid and animals I really don't like wheat oh I hate it it made me paranoid I don't get parent I like I'm anxious about everything all the time. So the like the idea of doing drugs to make me more anxious I would have been dead. There's not a chance. When you eat pushy do you feel like you have a full head of hair? I put my head against it in the back. You look up and go damn man this is what I would look like. Dude when you're talking about the the afros you, when I had hair, I didn't do shit. I had a buzz cut for my whole life. I was so jealous of, I wish I did everything. I wish I did the perm.

What did you call it? The comb? The shag? Oh, the shag, man. The Jew rug. The Jew fro, whatever. I never had shit. I had a cowlick. I had the worst hair

You know what's funny like and this is anything in life. It's all star top fun and dandy and you know Yeah, after a while just uses, you know, and I ended up in prison over it. It's not something I kept doing Putting a gun to somebody said I ended up in prison over it. But the funny thing is that I stopped doing it when I was 44 years old. And it's so weird how I did more from the age of 44 to 62 than I ever did before that. In your life, you mean? So I could imagine if I wouldn't have done coke.

So that's why I tell people now, you know what, man, don't even fucking do it. Just smoke your reefer Nobody ever went to prison over reefer. Well, not now No, but nobody nobody went to prison because they smoked too much reefer Nobody goes to the hospital because they smoke too much remand that leases over there. She's about to say yeah, but they have lung infections I don't give a fuck. Oh shit. That's not what I'm talking about. You know what I mean, you know, it's like and So far in my world, I've been smoking it for 50 years. It's safe

It's safe It's definitely the safest one He's showing a handsome guy Bon Jovi's drummer Look at you a little shag Bon Jovi's organ players Put it in the podcast? Huh? If you want, you can send it to me, we can put that in.

You know, and it's weird to think about addictions and shit. Like, I was thinking, I thought about this yesterday in the shot when it fucked me up yesterday. I was thinking about Mother's Day. And I'm like, you know, man, I've been in prison, I lost a daughter, I've had a lot of heartache. And comedy's rough, it's really rough what we do. I think the roughest thing was getting up

for 45 years without having a mother. That's been the roughest thing I've ever done in my life. It never goes away, that pain. So if I could outlive that, I could fucking do anything. So I'm happy I stopped doing all that shit now. I just smoke my reefer, I giggle like a fag. You know, I eat my mushrooms from time to time. I giggle like a fag, you know, and I enjoy it.

It's better than feeling the way I used to feel before. And I never liked alcohol either. I can't just drink alcohol. That shit's garbage. I can't alcohol either. I can't just drink alcohol. That shit's garbage. I can't do it. I can't do it. I never really liked the feeling at the end. So I was never close with my parents

but that taught me to be close with my kids. Like my, every day I watched my kids. Like I had them in the day, my ex-wife had them at night. I watched my kids, like I had them in the day, my ex-wife had them at night. Then when I turned 40, they went off to school. You know, I didn't watch them anymore until like three o'clock. So all day long, I was bouncing off of fucking walls.

You know, because I had my kids and my daughter's going off to college now. You know, I'm not's going off to college now, I'm not gonna bounce off the walls now, but still. You're pretty calm for having a daughter going, but you already done this. You like that ad, the first kid, the mother's wiping down the kid, second kid, the kid's rolling and shit

and she just gives him a fucking, once you lived it, it's pretty easy. I, this is my first shot. It's just scary. It's just first shot. Yeah, it's it's you know, it's just scary It's just scary the way your kid could end up if you make I was watching a movie the other day It was a criminal movie These guys are criminal and they're leaving in the daytime with like kids now. It's 10 8 When I was a criminal, the best thing about your life is you don't know if you're coming home for dinner

You just don't know, you know? I can't imagine getting arrested now and calling my daughter and going, I'm not gonna be home for a month until my bail gets low. And that's fucking insane. Like, I couldn't even imagine that. So many kids now grow up like that though. You know, I mean, they're, what the fuck?

I couldn't, I don't know, just I don't know what I was gonna say, but it was good. I had some serious fucking. I'm happy that, you know what I mean? When you do what we do, when you do it anytime, anybody does, you've realized that you get busy and get it with parents that make a lot of money and shit and then they start getting nannies.

You know what, man? I always wanted to be there. And I'm happy now that I could be at the Soap Bowl games. I wait for her at 2.45. That means the world to me. For me to be home when she gets off the bus and I'm outside, I'm not inside fanning my pussy. I'm out there with attention,

looking at that bus driver going, thank you, cocksucker. I make her sit outside and talk to me for a minute and check the mail. I put her through all that shit. And I tell my wife, I go, I don't wanna go home. The time I got in trouble was when I would go home and my parents would be home because I would look I Would peep you know look and you find shit that you're not supposed to find and I don't want her to go through that

No come home at 2 45 feed the fucking cat Eat your fucking lunch or the late lunch and do your homework and I sit downstairs and if she needs help with the homework I go upstairs until my wife gets home and I fucking enjoy it I'd rather do that than go into the city and do a podcast and giggle with a bunch of jerk-offs Yeah, I'd rather do that. I listen when I stick, you know, I go on the road. I come home Fucking I'm I don't go New York what so I can sit around with some woke motherfuckers? Shut the fuck up. I used to drive back after a gig on a Saturday night

from Boston or DC to go to a game on Sunday. And I'm not trying to say, let me tell you something, if I'm lying, let a microphone break. Where you at this week, Rich? This week I'm at Uncle Vinny's. I got a lot of shit coming up, richfawst.com. Right, but let's focus on this week, Rich? This week I'm at Uncle Vinny's. I got a lot of shit coming up. Rick Paul's. I know, but let's focus on this week

because Vinny's needs a lot of fucking help. So Friday and Saturday, you're at Uncle Vinny's. Point of place in Uncle Vinny's. That's all you need to promote because I see it all the time. Well, I'm in Connecticut in September. Nobody gives a fuck. Then I gotta remember, Uncle Vinny's,

nine o'clock, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Fucking, where is it? No, not Sunday, Friday and Saturday. No, no, Friday and Saturday, two shows, that's it. Point Pleasant Lee, where you at? I'm at Rodney's on Wednesday and I'm with you on Saturday. And you with me Thursday. Oh, at the dojo? At the dojo, yeah.

I didn't know about that one. Well, guess where I am Thursday. Friday I'm with Rich, I'm gonna go down there and fuck around with Rich and Saturday I'm in Philadelphia at Parks Casino, it's sold out, so don't even bother. I'm coming to Dojo Thursday. All right, I'll catch you in August, cocksuckers. You're going?

That's the next show at the Parks. Oh yeah? It's sold out. That was fucking great when we worked there. Fuck yeah, the food. That fucking spray they put in the fuck, that food? They don't fuck around, Parks. Parks is a high level organization. I support them to the utmost

That's I support the city of Philadelphia. I like people who got no class I got no class either. So it works for each other. We got no class. Nobody has to hide shit I don't have to drive down there make believe I'm somebody just a Philly dirt bag I'm gonna go down there and go to Merlin those's cheese steaks eat some of that gangster shit on Saturday And that's it from there I'm gonna shoot over do the show and I'm 42 minutes away and we added a special guest Rachel Feinstein will be there Saturday night nice, so we're rocking the motherfucking house. So she's funny. She's funny and she's a good egg Yeah, she's a very good egg, so. And happy you came on today, cocksucker.

I used to park cars at the London House in Denver. At Denver? In Denver, when I lived in Denver. I never knew you lived in Denver. Just for two months, and then I couldn't get any coke, so I came back home. You should have gone to Boulders, where you get Boulders. You know what I'm saying?

Mr. Lucky's. Thank you for coming on, brother. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Lee, cocksucker. You were okay today. I only made you take like on, brother. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Lee Cox Sucker. You were okay today. I only made you take like 300, so this is the zone now. This is the zone. So we got more ABXs next week.

I can't wait. All right, stay black, have a great week, and I'm gonna thank our sponsors for always having our back. Love you. You