Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - This could all be B.S.

Episode Date: May 5, 2026

Joey Diaz updates the world on his knee replacement, advice he would give to his 30 and 40 year old self, what works better than the pain pills, running people over in GTA and much more!  SHOW NOTES Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now & turn $5 into $100 in Bonus Bets when you press in code JOEY @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps If you're 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What up, beautiful people. It's the church of what's happening now. New edition, whatever, New Testament. I got my man Lee Syatt, the Cato of Jews, and your uncle Joey, back for another fun-filled episode. It's Tuesday is Cinco de Mayo. Nobody gives a fuck anymore.

You ever notice that? Like, you gave a fuck one year because you had a crush on a girl that worked at the thing and you were going to show up and dance to Mambo. But besides that, unless you got nothing riding, who gives a fuck? I think it's because you don't drink. I think people who drink are like, oh, fuck. I drive around and I look.

They don't fucking celebrate it like they used to. No, that's true. I don't know because I was in L.A. I don't know what it was. I mean, Cinco de Mayo in L.A., like, we did the weed stuff for Cinco de Mayo. A lot of dispensaries did comedy shows, you know. It was Cinco de fucking Mio. in L.A. where they invented Cinco de Meyer with the Mexicans right there.

I don't even know. And I dated Mexican for five years. Do Mexicans celebrate it or is like a white thing? It's like Corona. Right. It's a Corona holiday. You know what I'm saying? It's the day the Mexicans beat the French up, correct? Something like that. I don't know. I have no idea. Fucking two college educated people. You see what's wrong with this country, ladies and gentlemen? As soon as we start recording you said Cinco de Mayo, it's the sixth. You want to fucking know that your child, what they're getting for the fucking two Gs they're paying. They don't even know what happened on that day. Two G.

Me, I'm an ex-felon. I'm fucking, I got a GED. And I even know they beat up somebody, the French, something like that. Don't fucking quote me on it, but they beat somebody out. Don't quote me on it, but they fuck the French. Somebody got a fucking beat. And then the Mexicans had to celebrate. So I had surgery.

Yeah. Thursday, which is very humble. you know, you walk in there with expectations and it's completely different. A shout out to the drugs they give you it to fuck. I thought you were saying the doctors. A big shout out, big shout out to whatever they give you because nothing that I've ever done matches that calmness.

Like that's, I don't know if it's the Michael Jackson T. Oh, like the... If it's the propanol, I don't know what they shoot you with. You know, listen. Well, Joey, somebody came to you and said, yeah, right, right before surgery. Do I really, you think I give up? fuck what they put in me is I'm going in to not be new new lanth.

Well, you're not worried about, like, I'm always worried about, like, what I'm going to say, like, on, on that stuff. They don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You don't think there's, like, there's not something that's coming around. I didn't want to chitter chatter with them this time. I just smiled because I thought about the same thing.

Because I know the, the time I did it before, right before they were going to start the surgery, I said, guys, I got to pee. And they're like, don't worry about it. We'll put a catheter in you during the surgery. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. That's my nightmare. I'm a pee right now, and they had shot me with so many drugs that it was like a Seinfeld thing.

It was like doing Coke. And then they sent the hottest nursing to get my pee. So I had a swoop around and put a peanut. I mean, it was a centimeter of a dick into this jar and like hump it. Those pea jars and like hump it, give it a hip. So the pee wouldn't fall on top of me. That's that. You know, so I just, uh,

It was not good. I could imagine, and she looked at me, like we made eye contact, and she had beautiful, like green eyes. So I guarantee when she walked away, that went into my subconscious. And I'm in the thing, bring the chick back. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. I want to like my balls. Oh, my God.

It always worries me. But what are you going to do? It's who you are. Right. You know, listen, if I wake up and the cops are in the room, then we fucked up. Then we talked about a murder. I know. Somebody got thrown off a bridge, you know, that's what you got to worry about.

Holy shit. But if I wake up and there's nobody that interview me, like social services or child services, whatever the fuck those companies are. They always want to ask you creepy questions when you're waking up. Nobody fucking lets you wake up. What are you feeling? Let me wake up for you. Do you mind if I wake up and look at a tree or look at a fucking, you know.

But anyway, it doesn't really. There's this video I've seen of this husband who had surgery, this black dude, and his wife is sitting there, and he's just waking up, and he's like, you're stupid. I had a threesome this week. And I was going through. And she's like, no, you didn't. He's like, yes, I did.

It was this. It was great. It's one of my favorite video. But it's like, oh, my God, all this stuff. And then, because I was a little bit worried about you. Because you, like the night before you said, hey, I'll text you. I'll be done at one. Don't call me.

I'll text you when I'm done. And it was like four o'clock. And finally Terry texted us. And I was like, hey, he's okay. Like, did it take longer than expected? You know, I got there at 7.30. And they're very nice. They tried their artists.

You know, no, no. They really tried to get me in there. And I think I started going in about 11.30. I was like, God, damn. But they give me a protein drink that holds you. It wasn't bad. It wasn't like I was starving or anything. And then I got in there.

And I think the most uncomfortable thing about the surgery was the spine block they put in me. What's that? You have to shoot me in my spine. If you look at my back right now, I got a tramp stamp. Oh. What does it say? What does it say? Fuck Joey D is in the ass.

I don't know what it says. I got a tramp stamp because of the bruising. Oh. And they just shoot a big needle to, like, turn it off? A couple of them. And the third one felt like I was quarterback. I'm taking the ball out from the center. Okay.

And somebody kicked me in the back of the balls. Not the front of the nutsack, just the back. It felt like the butt. And, you know, the back of your nutsack really never gets exercise. No. It's like the bottom of your lungs. Sometimes you do it. Sometimes you don't.

Bro, I hadn't breathed in, like, maybe 20 years. I actually, my body lifted from the fucking chair. And I'm not trying to be funny or cute. No, I'm sure not. I know when my body lifts like I got Satan in me, it fucking, I don't know how I got up like two inches. Oh. Because I didn't put my feet on the floor.

There was no way I could have, you know, jumped off the table. My little chubby hands, I doubt I just went, foof. But something she shot me the third time, guys. It was real. And then my legs went in them. Really? I remember scratching my calf, and I couldn't feel it. I'm like, oh, my God.

Why can't they do this when you're awake? Why can't they just put you to sleep and shoot you with every needle? Well, they try to do, listen, the only thing they hit, at least they hit you with a 20 milligram oxy. Is that a good one? I don't know. Yeah, it slows down the game a little bit. And then you walk into the room and they shoot you with, you know,

the nerve block or a few. your leg so they can shoot somewhere around here. This is you can see it right there. Yeah. That shuts off your leg. All right. And then they want to shut you down completely. So when they come around your back and they hit you with whatever the amount of shots are.

Jesus. And then they laid me back. Okay. And they positioned me in a way. I was like, it was like I was sitting and somebody launched me out. I was like in a little chair. It's like being in a roller coaster with no fucking hinges. Like I was just smoking dope if I was flying through the valley.

And, you know, that's what it felt like for a couple minutes after that. They had me seated that way where my legs were up so they could get in. They had something under my knees. So it felt like I was sitting down. And then whatever they shot me with was, it was like six minutes of brilliance. What does that mean? It was like six minutes of being in fucking. in a state of euphoria.

Really? You're happy, you know, somebody put a stick up your ass and wiggled it the right way, even though you don't even like a finger in your ass. Everything that you could feel good about yourself, at least in your mind. That's nice. You're upside down. But the whole time I'm like, what am I going to fall asleep? I fought it as much as I could, you know.

Why? Because it feels, I don't want to just tap out of this. Oh, because it felt good. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it felt kind of good. So then I remember just waking up and the guy talking about me and going, Joey,

took four fucking hours. This was what was, you know, I was hoping he'd say, it took us an hour. We just had to make some adjustments and shit. Right. But he went right into me right there. That I was like, I don't want to hate this shit.

You know what I'm saying? I want a ginger ale. This is just, yeah, this is just, I've always hated the thought that I'm crazy. I make mistakes in my life. We all do. and I accept that. Sometimes we judge a situation,

but I don't, you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't enjoy it. Okay. Whatever the fuck I was going to. You hate thinking you're crazy. Yeah. Like for years after I got divorced, it took me 20 years later.

I finally hired an investigator. Just to see if I was crazy or if I was right the whole time. I felt something in the beginning of the divorce. It just felt off, and I was right. everything I assume was correct, you know. I don't like feeling fucking crazily. No one does, yeah.

I'm thinking I made a mistake. Second guessing. Second guessing for a few days, you know, so. No, and it's, because how does this relate to the surgery? I have no fucking idea. Okay, no, I mean, you fought doing the surgery for a while. You didn't want to do it. You wanted to wait.

Are you happy you did it? I had dates. You know? Listen, I'm not 52. We met. Or even early, 49, we met. I could go on the road three weeks in a row and do six theaters and three weeks.

You know, I do what I can. I'm like Cheryl Crow in 95. I do what I can. I'm like Cheryl Crowe 95. That's a good song. downstairs they're playing guitar bhawn anyway what are we talking about that you you couldn't do you couldn't yeah you know so

I get it I did one of my favorite jokes years and I was it about the recovery room that you'd wake up in the Philippines everywhere that was well I was giggling about that on the way down the first time I really got like a big surgery oh for the fat ball it was a fat ball in my head neck and they had to break my collarbone and shit. Ah. And I was petrified that. I went into that surgery

being petrified. The funny thing about that was that I'm always very honest with people. And when he, I went in there like maybe the end of November, the beginning of December. I think the schedule, it was like January 26th.

And the guy seemed like a great guy. You know, and I got to the whole thing. Yeah, I'm going to do it. You're going to talk to my surgical assistant and we'll be fine. Right before he's rarely, we go, Doc. And I talked, he closed the door. He goes, yeah, what's up? I go, Doc, listen, I like to snore cocaine.

I go, when do I have to stop? And he goes, 30 days before the surgery, we'll probably have a problem with the anesthesia. I'm like, okay, do you know I didn't stop at all? Even the night before the surgery, I did like a gram just to maintain me. And I walked in, he's like, all good. We stay clean them. You got it. You know what I'm saying?

So when I got that surgery, I was fucked up all. That's the surgery when I paid the little black dude, 50 bucks to get me out of the building. Another 50 to run me to my car on his little cart. My wife couldn't find me. I was out of my fucking mind, guys. Yeah. So this is what I learned about the surgery before years ago.

And now, now listen, you're coming home. You ain't going to die. It's just a few fucking needles. they hurt for maybe a moment, you know, and I want to work after this heels. We opened up that new door going out again. Like, I never thought I was going to do comedy. Right. But I figured out a way to do it that my family could have a piece of me.

I could have a piece of me. And I could still perform. And I did it. If I wouldn't have this surgery, I would have to cancel somewhere. Like, I thought about it. Maybe I'll have the surgery. I'll just sit out and lift. You're just being a fucking pussy.

You're just prolonging a worse situation. It's just going to go on bone on. And it wasn't even bone on bone. It was metal on metal, guys. There was no kneecap. He said when he cut, the kneecap flew right out. There was no glue on it. You have no fucking idea what I walked around with.

And he was like, I know I believe how painful it was. Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro. Believe how fucking painful it was. next time when a guy like me comes in and tells you I need a little help give me some fucking help I didn't know you taught you talked to him about it everybody's scared about giving you pain medication oh yeah get it there's a lot of lunatics out there but for me I just don't want to be in fuck dog the first night I came

I got woken up at one in the morning by a pain that I can't even start to tell you guys and my wife's like I'll give you one pain I go, listen, whibon, I need all three or four times. Just give, what's your call for two? Give me three of my big glass. And what do you get your car for? One every four hours. Give me three fucking pain pills.

And even then, it was still on fucking fire. And it wasn't until I smoked dope and put the ice on it. That it just disappeared. Like I was telling you guys before the podcast, when everybody was trying to legalize marijuana, oh, it's good for pain. I get pissed off. I go, these fucking hippies are doing anything to smoke weed.

You know, and I'll tell you what, I remember years ago, I got my tooth broke. December 23rd. You can't have a worse. I know, you're fucked for the rest of the year. Right before Christmas, nobody could see me, and everybody was like, January 8, January 6th.

Oh, we're going to Aruba. Motherfucker. And I had a fucking deal with. or something. And I'd get up at night. I'd get up at night in pain and I'd smoked up. And next thing, you know, there I am.

Two minutes later on my space, there's some people on this show. Well, I was in, because you had, like, before we left LA, you've talked about it, you were taking some Xanax. And I don't know if Xanax helps with pain. I don't think it does.

But like, are you worried about taking any of these pills? You know what? I've been grown up, man. It's just pain pills. To me, they're just paying pills. For me to get high on them, how many edibles do I... I just want you to figure this out.

How many edible do I need to get me? I mean, we do them together. This isn't no fun. I think at least a thousand for you? Are you already? I dropped a $500-millimeter vampire. 500 milligram vampire. Jesus.

I'm one of the extra strength. ABX's? No. I'm all out of ABX. Oh, okay. One of the extra strength fucking taffees. Okay. The one with everything in it, the kitchen sink, pubic hairs,

fucking old toilet paper. And that makes me feel great. That really helps the pain. Right. So instead of me having to take two oxies, at five milligrams apiece, that's candy for Joey. Right.

Five milligrams oxy ain't going to do nothing for me. Intent? I mean, the other day, 20. Remember when I went to the hospital? I gave me 20 milligrams. Okay. Oh, yeah. I was up at the Crown Palace Chinese restaurant.

I don't have them fucking downslone sidekicks. I didn't know what it was because I forgot to take the, taking the pill. Right. I forgot. So I was in there, but how long was I here for? Maybe now I had it. Okay.

I came home and watched TV or something stupid. It doesn't take me down. It does take the fire off. There's knee pain, and there's a little fire you add to it. Knock on wood. I'll do the knee pain, but forget the fire. I can't handle the fire. That's an unexam.

I'm not a Marine. I'm not a seal. I didn't ring a bell. I didn't have a G.I. Jane. If I signed up for pain, but I never signed that. I don't know how this works. I've never had surgery like that. I've had my wisdom teeth.

I've had a birth mark removed. But that's thankfully it so far. Like, what is it when you say burn, like, is there anything you can, like, compare it to? Well, you've got to remember that they put a metal rod into the bone. This time, I had to take the old one out, and they made it deeper.

So that's not even ready yet. Like that won't start giving me pain for three weeks down the road. One day I'll wake up and go, what the fuck? It's finally healing there. That's the final thing. Once you get through that

and it becomes like anything else, the more pain medication I give it, the more pain I'm going to have. Right. I have to learn how to... So I'm going to start. I really want it. She doesn't work until Tuesday,

girl April at Rooted. But she told me she would bring me RSO gummies. Oh, yeah, that's nice. 10 milligram. I eat the whole bag. But if she brings me 10 bags, I'll be pretty good. That'll help with the pain.

And that's how you get away from that shit. You don't want to be on the fucking pain pills are just like Xanax. It's like three days. Like, you don't want to take them that fourth day. You want to do everything else you can to not take them that fourth day. Okay. And then now you're, They're taking them, not taking them that fourth day.

And then one day you go, you know what, I'm not going to take him for two days. Once your mind realizes it ain't that bad. Yeah, I mean. But what am I going to do now? Brush him and snort them. I don't even know about that world. Remember when I first got the surgery, one of my friends going, which ones do you have? I have no idea because you're going to crush those and snort those.

That'll be great. You put some gasoline on it. What are you talking about? Oh, dude. I'm fucking 58 years old. And you're talking about Russia these things. When I first moved to L.A. I worked nights and the guys who worked days,

I'd come in and they'd have a coffee cup full of wine. And that's what they would do. They'd take the mug and I don't know what it was. It could have been pain pills. I don't know. But they were crushing it and snort. I'm surprised you haven't done that. That seems like something right up your alley.

Even before when you were doing Coke, would you snorted it? Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. If I was snoring Coke, yeah. Somebody showed up with an oxy and, you know, she got a low-cut shirt on, and I could tell she's out for the fucking,

oh, yeah, one in Europe, one in France, one in Rome, you know what I'm saying, went in the gutter. And I don't know, I just, at this point, it's not, listen, I'm very happy with the effects of that weed we smoke. That's 68%. Is it really? Yeah, that's like gunpowder.

That's like weed treated with fucking Russian gunpowder, you know. That's cool that you feel like it actually matters. It actually, bro, the pain has been tonight by six. Who's playing tonight? Oh, no, by the time the games come on tonight or whatever. Right. I'll be so sizzled. Like THC sizzled?

Right. That, you know, like when you get really high on an edible, like you, you feel weird and shit. But I'd rather feel weird from an edible than five or six days on these things. Yeah. And to be honest, I've never done, man, I don't want to say never. I don't know what we've taken, but I haven't gotten really high on pain pills. But I've talked to people,

and they tell me it makes them feel itchy. Like, it doesn't sound good. Like, you can't shit and you're itchy. I was itchy in the hospital like a motherfucker. That's what I was telling. I got home out and take a shower and I had to put cream on and I had to do a bunch of things

because those things do make me fucking itchy. And thank God it's not hot yet. Like the humidity hot? Oh, that's when I'll scratch. I'm getting itchy thinking about it. Oh, my God. That would be my nightmare. How's sleeping been?

The hospital first night's slept two hours and 23 minutes. They just refused to let you. How tall are you? This was surreal this last time. This was a very weird experience because they had me on anesthesia for four or five hours maybe. And I get out of that. I'm feeling a little that tired.

groggy. Okay. You know, when you're tired, just close your eyes. You're not asking, but he gives a fuck. The turkey sandwich will be there when you wake up. You're groggy, you know, and also, they gave me my 8 o'clock meds. And then they came back and they go, Joey,

we can't give you no more pain meds. Your heart rate's too low. I'm like, what are you talking about? So they gave me no sleep medication and no pain medication. And neither of the fucking surgery. Don't. At 3.30, I almost called one of you motherfuckers to bust me out.

I don't blame you. And don't worry about coming up. I'll just jump out the fucking window at this point. Because the window and when I land, it'll be a lot easier than when I'm feeling right now. Holy shit. I could not fucking sleep. Then they finally decided to give me some other shit that's an anti-inflammatory. And that let me close my eyes and that's how long I lasted, two hours.

And are you, because you have a recliner down, we're in your basement, but like, are you able to get and go to bed or what you're doing? No, I make it up the stairs. It's just 11, it's 12 step. Wow. So you go up on the strong leg and you come down on the surgery leg and you want to balance yourself. I love how you count the steps. You have to, for the, when the people come over here. PT, yeah.

Yeah, because they're coming over here until Friday. So I have three visits with a little Filipino guy. Pretty fucking cool. He worked me yesterday. Nice. He fucking worked it out. And it's supposed to like, so like what, I don't even know what happened. Like, so you have a tendon now again?

Or like, what broke? They took my old knee out. It's called a knee replacement. They put all this different thing. You have a brand new knee. Good thing about knee replacements and anything else in the medical field today. A lot of people who listen to this show are younger in their parents. that is still alive, and this is what they're going through.

Joey, my dad just did that. Joey, my fucking grandpa, you know, these kids are 30, 20s. They're like, hit me back up. Oh, my grandfather had that. It was the best thing that ever happened, Joey, you know. Good for you, whatever. So your question is, they put a new need. You know, I don't know if they make it out of rubber.

So it wasn't like the ACL MCL thing. No, no, no. It was just like the actual name. I think they take all that out. All I have is something in there. Okay. Oh, okay. I have something.

I don't know. I don't want to say anything and then get it wrong and people torture you to death. Because I don't know anything in medical. I let them do that. You know what I'm saying? Right. I didn't want to go on Google before the surgery. No, that's the worst thing you can do.

Because it fucking destroys your head. So I talked to a couple of people that are way a lot smarter about this. And so they put it on, but what was going on with the old one was there was a gap, guys. From the beginning, there was a gap between the metal settling into the bone.

So the metal was in the bone, but it lived about a half inch away from it. That's not good because you've got a bunch of shit to happen. Okay. Damn. Listen, there was what it was. I'm sure, listen, it takes two to the tango.

So it wasn't, and I, for there, I remember, red things you have to, you're not allowed to do ever again. Like number 11 broke down a lot. What's that? Can't be on your knees. That's side control. Oh, damn. Okay.

Can't be on your knees. That's side control. So there goes that, for sure. Can't walk on the beach, can't. Right. There's a ton of can't kick the bag with this leg. Yeah, but hopefully it won't have. to have surgery again. No, I don't want to have surgery again.

That's why I'm doing this a little bit more, I paid more attention for this this time. Yeah. You know, I'm six years old. Recuperation is a lot slower. I don't make the same minerals and the same juice that you're doing right now at 38. It's impossible.

Oh, but even at my age, like I was just, I was with a buddy in New York the other night. We haven't seen him in a couple months. And he just basically pulled a Tom's a girl. Like he fucking was playing basketball for himself. I don't know if you know, do you know who Stavros is, the comic? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see he fell off a scooter and broke his arm and now he used to delay his special.

Like now, like I, now I don't think I'm going to do anything like that again. I don't think I'm going to get on the school. I don't want to, fucking, I don't want to jump. I don't want to, I'm trying to maintain. I can't imagine. Like, Eric, do you remember the night? I don't know if you remember this. Eric Rocha opened for you in Bakersfield.

right before we left and he called me because on the way to your house he went over the handlebars of a scooter scraped everything up but he was like hobbling to your house because he didn't mean he'd leave without him

fucking Sam Triplett went over the so it's like all that stuff you're talking about yeah I gotta find like easy things that you're not gonna get hurt at to like do kung fu you know you don't get hurt at sitting on the couch

your fat ass on the couch all day yeah come and tell me how that works after 40 years. You got to live your life. Listen, if I go to a fucking American ball, what's the name? American Dream. Some terrorists come in there, start shooting.

Yeah? Unless you got a crystal ball or you guys have a crystal ball, you know, these guys are the jet games. Somebody can start shooting outside during when they're eating cheeseburgers or a giant game. I don't know that.

I don't have a magic. What if you're standing online at the garden? What if that time that we got out of, that private plane, it goes down. You follow me, Lee? Anything we could do, we could die. Right. When you read about how many things you could die at when you sleep,

not being hydrated at night. It's like a cat's 22, so wait a second. I don't want to get up every hour on the hour to pee. So I would stop drinking water like at 6 o'clock. Boy, you get up to pee, you're a fucking room. And that's not good for you either. Plus, the sleep apnea machine air is, my tongue.

So a lot of times you guys will call me and I just go, hello. And you guys are like, are you meeting us in the lobby? Oh, yeah. Because you can't even bend it until I put a bunch of water on it. Right. Then the heat from the coffee loosens it up. It's like dehydrated. It's like defrosting a piece of chop meat.

Oh, my God. That's what it feels like in the morning. And if I don't put water in the sleep apnea machine, I have a hole in the middle. It's like that Jesus hole in this bomb. I got the Jesus hole. the middle of my fucking tongue. Oh my God. Holy shit.

Can you, like, how does it feel? You've talked about not thinking you'd make it to 63. Like, it's pretty like, is it, I think about this sometimes. Like, you know who I, who did I just, sin bad? He just did stand up and God bless him. But I haven't seen him in a while and you can see, you know, you can see he's, he's getting older. Yeah.

And it's terrible. But even, but like, I'm almost. almost 40. And, like, I still, now I can't even imagine what I'll look like at 63. Like, can you, like, how does it, is it weird? I don't know. One of the bits I've been really trying to work hard on when I finally got a little hook into it was, you know, one of my guys used to always say, when you get your, when black

people get too cute, you know, he would say you get the N-word. wake up call. Okay. We all got a reality wake up. It's like when you're Puerto Rican or Cuban, and I parade myself as Joey, and I don't even talk Cuban no more. That shit, you know?

Uh-huh. What are we talking about? Just about your wake-up call. And you get your wake-up call one day. When you got arrested. And now you've got to be Cuban. Those Cubans are going to look at you and go, when you wanted to be Cuban,

you didn't want to be Cuban. Cuban. Right. When you were supposed to be Cuban, now that you're going to get fucked in the ass, now you want to come in here, Libre and Ta, Libre and Ta, it don't work that way. It just don't work that way. Yeah. So, what was the question? There's like, when you were, I'll say, 40, like, is this what you thought it would be? Like, because you said we have a lot of young listeners. Like, what would you tell your 40-year-old self? 20-year-old self? I don't know. Listen, I lived a life of fucking impurity for 35 years. I'm not talking about impurity as a drug addict. Talking about, you know, there was a lot of reverse stress. What's reverse stress? I grew up another fall. I had a mother who died in an early age,

then to add injury. I quit high school. Dent to add more fucking, I didn't make it to college. And then I got arrested for a felony. And my mom's world, there was a waste of time. Was I doing drugs a whole time? Yes and no, so I can't blame it on the drugs. But those 30 years are living that way, it takes its toll.

Now, if you're over 50 and you lift weights on a consistency level for three years, you will fix the heart damage. You did early on. That's why it's never too late to pick up. a weight or a brick or whatever the fuck you want to pick up yeah you got no money to join a gym you get two bricks you get curls what is a will is a way yeah you know what i'm saying so i believe in that that somewhere it turned my heart around that little girl upstairs that helps in keeping you a little younger i don't have the stresses that most 60 year i have a complete different set of stress yeah okay

So all those things in consideration, I had to work at it to get up to 60. Like I had to think about it for years. Like I looked up, what is life after 60? Right. Too much fun. Unless you Mick Jagger. Right. Too much fun.

But there's a difference. Like, did you see that new Charlize Theron movie? Who? Charlize Theron has a new movie. It's fine. But she looks good. She's like 50. Like, there's a difference between like, you know,

you don't look like mid-s like there's people who I see who are mid-60s who like are using one of those walkers all the time guys with the knowledge we have now on our fingertip computers, television whatever fuck podcast right this health podcast right?

Thousands of them. You know I see these ads save 30,000 a month on premium medical whatever And I look at this honestly, and I go, how many people can honestly afford this? Okay?

How many people could look at themselves and honestly afford this? They can't. They can't. So how can we make our lives as best as we can without living like Jennifer Lopez? Right. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. You know, Jennifer Lopez, she wakes up.

Somebody's rubbing her feet. Somebody's rubbing her fucking eyeballs with the shit they get. from Europe. For people who lost an eye and a billion, you know, they get this shit, whatever. It may be a fucking all the lie. It could all be bullshit. And there's some Somalians going,

we got them for 100 grand, for stem sows or whatever. This could all be bullshit. Yeah. But I think in your mind, you thinking you're working on it out and helping yourself. But then there's another part of that spectrum. I'm 63.

I eat edibles. I'm not buying them off the streets. I get good sleep. I'm not in arguments. I'm not doing what the most people, like I said to you. I get into an argument with my wife once a month about stupid shit. Okay. And it's not like a DM, it's not like a domestic violence argument.

It's like, you know, something stupid and we giggle and that's it. That's it. Right. That's my stress level. I don't do the stress. I don't want to do weekends because I never want to, get to the airport with you guys at 6th and Moly

and they tell us they canceled our flights they would blow my fucking heat you know it happens all the time I know this going in so I'm not going to lie to myself and this is the other thing you gotta know what your limitations are what you can and can't do

my brother's 63 George sometimes we talk I'm on the phone I'm going to go George like right now George go to sleep it's crazy that like you just had surgery in your knee but the biggest thing you're talking about is stress you think stress is the biggest thing at any age stress is a silent killer yeah because stress banks on your heart yeah but it's so fucking crazy that you sign yourself up with stress when you

become a comedian you know what I'm saying it's like Nick Nick of the thousand things he wants to wrestle Democrats. That's good. That's good. You want to play arm wrestling against Democrats. You know, we're signing up for a life of stress. Because the first 10 years of comedy, there's months you can't pay the rent, you've got to climb into the window, and the landlords fucking put Scott's tape on your door. There's a thousand things could happen. Yeah, but even, even like without comedy, like we were driving down here today. I didn't know gas was 440. Or imagine we were driving by Newark airport. Imagine you got to the airport and not that your flight was canceled,

your fucking airline shut down overnight. Oh, spirit. Yeah. Imagine getting to the airport and you don't have a, there's no, there's nothing. That's, like, it never ends. That's the, like, you know why never ends?

Because we allow it? I don't know. Because there's no reprimand. It's accepted. Well, I'm going out of business. In other words, What you're telling me is you weren't good enough. So now you're taking your basketball and going home. We've been playing all day with the basketball. But now since you got fucking dunked on,

now all of a sudden your grandmother's got an injury and you've got to go home. And that's what spirit reminds me that they're fucking done, but at least honor these people. And I was reading something, and not that $8 million would have saved him, but like the CEO last,

like the old C. made like $8 million a year. The new one made $4 million a year. And meanwhile, all these people are out of jobs. It's crazy. And it's just accepted. The things we've been talked to accept nowadays is fucking ridiculous. As personal on the internet, the things we accept now as human beings, we just accept them.

You know, listen, if you get those calls. you sign up for something for two weeks, a free trial or something. And then you just thought you like it, but you don't like it. And then you try to cancel it and it's fucking, you can't cancel it. Three hours of your day.

So you just go fuck it. I'll just pay the dollar 99 a month. Card a card. Think about that. We work hard for that dollar 99. And we just tell somebody for a year, I paid massage envy. Did you really?

90 bucks. It was driving me crazy. You understand me? It was driving me crazy. Every time we saw the charge come through. Oh, every month I would go, I hope my wife don't see this. $90 a fucking, it was driving me fucking insane. And I would go in there and they go, but you have so many credits.

Credits. You can't quit now. And I'm like, listen, you don't understand. I ain't got time for this shit. First of all, the worst massagers in the world, every massager of massage envy is creepy as fuck. Like they got... And not in a good way.

No, they just fell cosmetology school. So what am I going to do? I'll become a fucking masseuse. I'm not putting anybody down. I'm just saying that, I don't know. I'm not a massage guy. Let's talk about that. I love massage.

You have to be able to sit and I like certain people and I like certain massages. Once you tell me you got to get naked, you lost me. You understand? I don't think you're going to get naked. I think you gave you a shorts on. I don't even want the fucking towel around me with nothing underneath. No, no, no, we don't need. all that. If I want to massage

my asshole, I'll do it to privacy of my own home. In fact, I got a steam cleaning and everything. You don't have a steam. You're a steam cleaner for your asshole? Fuck yeah. You got to keep that area clean. Oh my God. And I kept the pink soap from the hospital. Oh. That's good? I don't know what. I don't even know what? Yeah, it kills everything.

Okay. And I made my lufor. I made three little asshole loophers. I got them I got them hanging for three different days of the week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Yeah, you with all this free time on your hands, not good. You're going to do some weird. You're making asshole. You made three asshole lupus? Yeah. I'm getting ready for the surgery. How is Grand Theft Auto going?

Grand Theft Auto is, uh, I played the odd night and it's, I'm getting better every time I do it. Am I great? No, I do enjoy. You drive slow as fuck. Why do you, in real life, you drive 90. In Grand Theft Auto, you're doing 25 in the right lane. Because the faster I go, I lose control. And next thing, I'm spitting, I'm falling off clips, I'm in pedestrians. That's the point. You're supposed to. You can go crazy. I love getting the sniper rifle and just picking people off.

Oh, I turn into a serial killer. Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah. Listen, I don't know. There's cheat codes. You don't know about cheat codes. You've never played video games. I don't know anything about anything, Lee. You have to assume I'm a retarded child that broke out of the institution on Sunday.

You know what I'm saying? Ooh. That does explain you. One of those retards is just waiting. wakes up on a Sunday and goes, I don't belong here. What is that up? Oh my God. That's fun.

Grand Deftado. And do you play missions? Or you just go on killing people. You can go around and just fuck hookers and then kill them, take your money back. Listen. I'll do anything. I just drive. I'm learning.

You're just living in the game. Yeah. I just know how to stop, which was big. You learned how to stop. What were you doing before? Just go just ramming into cars I'm trying to move around them It's

It's not good guys Oh my God It's amazing But that's listen You were talking about this So it's an interesting fucking topic And it very much is When I moved here

I was heartbroken I was just heartbroken I don't know what it was It was just it didn't feel right Okay It didn't feel right I had a better help She gave me all these things.

And then, but the bottom level was, I thought that I was coming back to a society. This is my fault. This is my fault. We discussed this on the old podcast in L.A. a thousand times how we create these scenarios and our own edge.

And we're lying to ourselves in some reason. You know, I would come back here to do comedy and I go, Nick, have you seen George? Nah, we talk everyone once in a while. We try to see each other, but he's all the way up there and fell on, and I'm fucking Huntington, and it's an hour and a half for each other. And I go, look, I live in California fucking 40. You can't see fucking George once a week and check in with him.

And you too. What are you doing? Paul is this kid. You're best friend growing up. Then I moved here. You're like, fuck it. Fuck, George. I ain't driving an hour.

He ain't coming down here. An hour is a lot when you get older. It's a lot when you're in the car, and it isn't. My best ride of the week is when I go up and know what to do this podcast. Have you wanted to lie to you? If you guys knew I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it anymore. Right, yeah? I enjoy it.

It gets me out of this area, you know, and you breathe a little bit. I knew I couldn't handle doing stand-up full-time. I just knew it. That was not going to happen. The capabilities, and I knew I wanted to be a father. Right. So somewhere along the line, I make this all fit. And you know what?

My social life, you know, but who at 60 has a social life? Unless you're, you know, you got like a young chick that flies around the world with you. Help you fucking glue your wig up back onto your head. I mean, you know, I don't know. So they said get a dog. That's the number one thing people over 60 do. Okay. Get a dog.

So you build a bond. Those dogs help you out when things get rough. You can pet them, watch you. Shepley with the... You're going to have... I think you're going to train it to, like, bite people. What I'm trying to say to leave it, you've got to keep your mind occupied it up to 60.

That's fair. You know, writing a bit... Yeah. ...is not... You know, it's not what it used to be for me. So now it's a challenge. If I can write a bit, that keeps you alive another day.

All we're doing right now is trying to stay alive another fucking day. Right. That's it. And you're... Because I've been around people who, like... mentally start to, not like the depression, but like they're not all there anymore. Like they used to run.

You don't even notice it until it starts to happen. But like you don't, it doesn't seem like you've, like you're not stare. I don't, you don't just stare at things. Like it's like you seem even though like physically your knee fucked up right now. But like you don't, you seem the same mentally. I am and I'm not. I forget shit, you know, which is, they say take creatine. Do I take creatine to help me a little bit?

Okay. So you don't get dementia, but I have a little shake in my left hand. That's the beginnings of one of those Alzheimer's or something like that. Jesus Christ. It's like if I was playing the drums. What happened? What happened and not going on Google? It would just go,

no, I'm just fucking with you. Listen, you get up and you pray. It's like being 20. You wake up and you pray for the best of your ability. It's no fucking different than being 25. and going, I'm sick and tired working in the fucking bus boy. I'm busing now as a waiter today.

You know, I'm sick and tired again sitting in this house. I'm going to go travel with my pension. I go get my dick sucked in Hong Kong. Now you're the bad guy because you're going to Hong Kong to get your dick sucked. I don't have a passport. This doesn't pertain to me. Right. But you understand

what I'm trying to say to you. You die in your fucking house. Yeah. Okay? So for me, I could do stand-up twice a week. week till I die. I mean, if I go up there and I'm shaking, I'm looking like Bruce Springsteen, like I don't, have a long talk with me, guys. Pull me your signing of joy, this is what we really think. You look like a fucking Frankie Valley up there. Let it go, Joey, let it go. Joey, let it go. Joey, let it go. We love you. We're not, I know you're going to be mad at me for a month,

but it's time for you to stay home for unemployment. Do what you need to do, retirement, what's that? Yeah, social security. But even, like, let's say it's 70. Let's say you are a shake. Maybe once every six weeks you want to go out. And yeah, but it's like... Would you let me go out there if I was like all fucked up shaking? I wouldn't remember shit and people go, we love you, Joey.

See, if you couldn't remember stuff is a little bit different. No, that's fucking not good. But like, I know how much fun I have and I'm doing free shows. Like if I, if I was headlining sold out. theaters and I've done it at that point for what 40 years I might want to be like yeah you know what fuck it but I don't want to go out there and have fun about this how about maybe two years I won't sell feeders and there's the difference between a man and a fucking mouse who I quit comedy because I'm not selling theaters don't I pick up a house MC job in one of the casinos

Philadelphia New York's got casinos where I book a gig once a week yeah don't like to have me there once a week. Okay. Once a week, people like an old guy for four hours. And that sounds like fun. And that's me being a lie. Yeah. That's how I would like you. You know how hard it is?

Listen, unless I look fucked up, when my memory starts to go, if my knee gets strong, you know how hard it is for guys like us to retire. It's not going to happen. Those days of us disappearing and bringing our wives and getting up in the morning, all of

us in this room. We'd fucking hate that life. That life lasts great. How about this? How about I semi-retire? I come home, mom. The kids are gone. We go by the pool of the 55 and older.

We drink some margaritas and I put it in your ass. Everybody's happy. Everybody's fucking happy, right? I don't know if she's happy. No, she's not. But you know what I'm saying. I don't think any of us are in the, none of us.

Anybody who listens to this podcast, You should never even think about your retiring. You're going to semi-retire the worst. The worst-case scenario, okay, Joey, but I need to retire. Retire, but within one month, you're going to be volunteering with the dogs or the cats, picking up cat shit or dog shit and telling people why they should take this fucking dog or this cat. You need to do something. If you don't use it, you lose it.

Oh, I've seen it. And that's the worst thing in the world. So you have to keep your mind. You know, you go to all these places around here, whether I go to colds or forget about Costco. Costco, a guy dies there every fucking day that is so old. Oh, my God. Costco gives them jobs and gives them insurance and gives them hours. And, you know, you ever go on to Costco, the people who check your stickers?

Yeah. They just had to fucking be nice. Costco's a nice guy. The dealership where I bring my car, they got 65-year-olds that worked a morning shit. McDonald's used to have it, dude. From six. Mine did when I was a kid. I had like an old 60, 50, I don't know how I was like 10, maybe he was 45.

He seemed old, but he would just, you know, they walk around, they give out stickers, they say hi, it's nice. And as long as, as long as like you're not, like, I wouldn't want to have to have a teleprompter with your bits on it. But like, as long as you're mentally there, I think it's like, yeah, I'm sure the audience would have a great time. But honestly, fuck them. It's all about you.

The audience isn't having good time. you're selling tickets on a different fucking bill. No, yeah, if you're doing that. People are going to see you because he might die any day. Oh, Jesus, correct. You know what I'm saying? This motherfucker might die any day. We want to see him before he dies.

Right now, why are people paying $2,000 for Paul McCarthy? The Beatles have been done for fucking 22,000 years. Why do you pay all this money for Paul McCarthy right now? Because you might not see him again. Yeah. So I don't want people coming to see me to go, We love you, Joey, even though I'm bombing on stage. Talking about jokes that I wrote 19-000-8.

You know, nobody wants to see that. And I don't want to go out that way. I don't want to go out that way. There's a fucking singer, Hector LeVoe, Puerto Rican guy. One of the baddest motherfuckin' fucking singers in any genre. You know, he was just a problem fucking dude. He just had problems, guys. He had AIDS.

His son shot himself. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. It was endless. But he had a good heart. He just couldn't get off the heroin. Went to Puerto Rico, and he fucking got so paranoid in the hotel room. Everybody's account is different. I've lived it.

When you just go to a hotel lounge and you see your ex-wife with another guy, and you got all the cocaine in the world. When you get in those rooms, you get all paranoid and shit. You got so fucking paranoid, just jumped out the window. Oh, Jesus. Anyway, thank God he hit an air condition. Because that stopped his smell. momentum. And he ended up living.

And these fucking people in the Bronx and Brooklyn were doing these shows, but they just bring them on. And if I could get those people today, I'd fucking choke him. The guy, they'd probably give him the small thousand cash. The fake manager, he'd have him, would probably rob him of that. Yeah. Because you always get some guy to fucking rob you at that level. And then he would just, he wouldn't even know where he was.

It wasn't as bad as Frankie Valley. But the song, the tempo of the song... Was gone. This went... The tempo of the song was 40% left. So let me give you an example. One of the songs, I told the theater Sufina, right?

Okay. Instead of saying, Doa, L'Ol Tiana? He was like, D'Aldo... Yeah, and they would have to slow down for him. Like. But he was half a retard. He was back.

I don't know fucking air conditioner. I mean, and I know you don't care about comic books, but there was a whole thing that, like, they were taking Stanley. I don't know if you remember him from Marvel. Like, there was someone pimping him out at the end. Like, yeah. George, my brother, George, broke that info.

Really? Broke that info. That's so sad. Yeah. So, and you have good people around you. Thank you. all your agents and stuff are cool, and I don't think your wife would let you,

would anyone do weird shit to you. You guys are my biggest opponents. whatever. You guys see something that's a little off to you, you pull me aside and say, listen, Joe, we don't think you should do this no more. Look at your hair. It looks like a straw hat. You're done. You're done.

You put on a hat or stop it. But I'm not going to be one of those guys. I'm not going for vanity. I'm not going to be fucking... Look at Casey in the Sunshine Band. Look at where he started and look at where he ended. With a wig on stage, you can't even do the moves to the song. Oh, Jesus.

You know, like what? Oh, he looks fucking terrible. I don't want to do that, guys. That means you owe tax money. Oh, yeah. Okay? And owning tax money is, that's a silent killer right there.

Because now you got stress in your 60s and 70s, like Red Fox had. And you know how most of those guys get in trouble? Those fucking Comic-Con because it's all cash. Wow. That's why I avoid anything like that, that you take 20 bucks in cash. that shit will come to haunt you 20 years later.

Oh, no. You buy a retirement home and also in the Hitler. Remember those t-shirts you had with you and Hitler and Cuban people? You're like, yeah, what have happened to those? Oh, you sold 10,000. And you never claimed one of those things, so. And now you've got to dig, you know. It's tough to have to do something.

Yeah, it happened. You know, and I also support, listen, we talk a lot of shit in this country, And we have all these people. You know what, man, I support like a woman wanting to have rights and work. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know what I mean? Like years ago, when the whole movement started,

when I was a kid, I support fucking older people. If they want to work and they can carry the load, go do it. Yeah. Listen, I don't expect, listen, you're not going to hire me for a warehouse job. No. You're not going to hire me to load pallets or shit like that. But there's work available if you just don't want to sit there and collect the two grand from Social Security.

Especially like Uber-Aids and stuff now. You're not going to make a fucking killing on Social Security. You're going to have to downsize your life. That's why you end up living in your daughter's basement with a fucking retarded husband and the kid. That's a complete different set of fucking roost. Yeah. And getting back to stress.

Like all like having to do something would be stress. A dear, dear friend of mine in Congress said, listen, I never, ever thought about being. over 40. My dad died when he was 37, tragically, and I thought he left me the curse. And I was adding to the curse because I was doing coke. I was testing the curse. Right. And then I ended up meeting Terry and, you know, the years just flew. And all of a sudden I was 42, all of a sudden I got married at like 44 or something like that 45. And even then, Who gets married at 45?

Only an idiot does that. I did. Who knocks up their wife at 50? Only a fucking moron. Puerto Rican would do that. I did. Am I sad about it? No.

So I had to readjust a lot of things. You know, you're 50 with a fucking kid in the stroller. Yeah. 50-year-olds are at a fucking, at a strip club. Go to Happy Hour to get their little dick before they go home to eat my gut with their wives who weighs to 800 pounds. So it's been unfortunate.

I also know that you have to work on it. You have to put a little effort into yourself. You know, I sit here at night. What's the Lakers? Whatever. The whole time I'm looking on LeBron James. Yeah. 41 years old.

All right. He's a whiner. He's a pussy. He's this. He's that. He could have won this year. He could have done. Woulda, should have, coulda.

Look at the time and effort he puts into his body. Yeah, but Joey, he shoots TRT. He just doesn't shoot TRT. He does everything that comes with it. He does drills. He hires trainers. He hires a trainer for the fucking trainer. He's one of those guys.

My footwork isn't right. Hired me a trainer. But they want $8,000 an hour. Get 10 hours. He's one of those, too. He invest in himself. Yeah. And that's, it's not, I'm not eating breakfast

and fucking, you know, with a fucking mimos. sir, I'm upstairs with blueberries like a fucking idiot. They taste like ass at the time. They do. Raspberry, I don't know where they come from. And fucking I put yogurt and little fucking almond granola. Now, is this the breakfast?

I'm a fucking three eggs, sunny side up. And then on the way out of the house, stop at McDonald's and get an egg McMuffin type of motherfucker. Oh, yeah. You know, here I am like a half a fag. Eating fucking granola and yogurt, coconut cult. You got to ask you. yourself, who am I? Who is Joey Diaz anymore? But I had to change. You just can't. You cannot

contain you, like, even if I eat eggs, I won't eat bacon. Okay. I stopped eating baking years ago. If I go to a fancy place at you motherfucker, then you eat the bacon. When you eat the breakfast at home, I just don't eat bacon. Is it going to change? Like the other day, there was a list of things that you eat and your life gets changed. If you eat a hot dog, you lose six months. minutes. I don't need those six minutes. I would be 91. I can't eat the hot dog. I was thinking about that early because, you know, sometimes when people are super healthy, they say, oh, you should eat granola. But you know what? Maybe, maybe just not having three strips of bacon. You have one. It's a little bit of like, okay, at least I'm trying.

And, like, you know, it's, it's hard when you're, you know, you're not even older, but just to change it. I haven't seen a coconut cult? A coconut cult? A yogurt. Yogurt. No. This big. Okay. Charge you $9.99. Fuck you. You're supposed to eat two a day.

It's a probiotic. Okay. A live probiotic. It's good for your stomach, especially when I'm doing the drugs and the whole fucking thing. Right. Okay.

I usually just take two teaspoons. That's what it's causeful. Okay. The last year, five days. Okay. Not me. Greg, great. Come here.

She's done. She don't like this hangout. I usually get half a jar and put a little granola, and she has blueberries and raspberries and blackberries. I'll just take the blueberries and the raspberries and eat that just a little bit to have a little something in my stomach. It's like seven grams of protein. Okay.

That's horrible. That's horrible for me in the morning. I'm over 60. I should be getting 30 right off the bat in the morning just to get your mood going. that's a little shit. Right. That's it. I can't take a Coca-Cola no more for breakfast.

No. You know, even though I do miss them from time to time. A nice butter roll, egg and cheese, and ham and a fucking Coca-Cola 16-ounce with a bag of wives for breakfast. Stop it. That's a Hudson County breakfast. When I knew I was coming down here this morning,

I was like, oh, I'd love to go to McDonald's breakfast, but I would have loved to. What would you have got? Oh, okay. Two egg and breakfast. three hash browns. So I could put it a hash barn in each sandwich and then have an outside one. That's where I was 300 pounds.

Yeah. What is it? Two egg McMuffins, three hash browns. One hash brown in each sandwich and then one on the side. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it. Go bathrooms to do you Jews.

I love it. Yeah, we do. It's just really great. And how I looked at this surgery was a lot. Maybe it's you guys. You inspired me to just look at this different. I didn't look at this. I didn't look at this surgery as an ending.

I looked at this surgery as a new beginning in a way. Yeah, fuck yeah. Do different things. Listen, I don't have to work every fucking month or every weekend. I just got to do one big gig a month that makes me work towards something. Every month, I work towards something. Right. So that's always fantastic.

Instead of doing a special with a title, I do a show in my mind. I don't tell the audience. I do a show with a certain title in my mind. Right. And I cover those jokes. Yeah. By the time I get to another town,

the following month, it's not going to be that theme. Some of the jokes will be the same, but the narrative will be a lot different. That's what I'm going for. That's it. Yeah. Nice and fucking easy.

I'm not going from those specials. I don't be on Hulu or Mulu. I don't want to be on Mulu. I don't want to know nothing. Oh, but you also don't have to deal. I was laughing so hard last night because someone pulled one of the moves you told me about, but I haven't experienced it yet. I was at a club and this poor host, this comic went up to them,

and they were like, where am I? And they're like, you're going six or seventh. Like, no, no, no, no, I have to go forth. I'm very tired. I'm old. I have to go home. I went a blast on this show. Like half an hour past that, that person was still there.

just talk. And I was like, you mother. Meanwhile, they asked me, do you mind going last on the 10 o'clock show? I went up at midnight. I was there since 8.30. I was like, I'll go wherever. And that person, I have to go third. And meanwhile, they stunk.

You book the room. And after the time when you look at them, they're going to go, you're a dick. Good. Yeah. I came here to get down. Yeah. Fuck you. And you making me close the room, I'm flattered.

I don't mind that. No, I'm flattered. You say, Joey, come and close the room. I'm fucking flattered, but at the same time, it's like you're gonna fucking come up to me and say you have to leave just because you don't want to follow, or is it because you wanted to talk to girls and be cool?

Oh, it was an older, that wasn't even a guy, but it was, I don't know, it was, and I heard they went in and said, retarded about four times. It was a hot room, there was a sold-out room, and it was, they wanted the prime, like, you know, third or fourth, spot. They wanted the kill spot.

Fuck them. They got in that shit. And it didn't. And then I went in that. You got to earn that. And I, I had a great, I had a fun night last. I told, I told a couple, because I saw the coolest thing. These two parents took, at a 10 o'clock show, had the like 12 and 10 year old son in the showroom,

and they were basically fucking in the bar. The dad had his hand, like, in the mom's skirt. It was, and I told the kids that. I went up and I opened with it. And it fucking killed. because it was like your parents are out there fucking. And they have comics as your babysitters. And it was, it was,

last night was a fun New York night. And you know, do you know who Peyton Ruddy is? He's a Kiltony guy. He's a great dude, 25. He's in from Chicago this week. There's been a, it's been a fun, it's been fun being in New York.

I'm having a good time. It's been fun. You learn anything. But I can't wait. I can't wait for Atlantic City. That's going to be fine. I can't, Are you excited to go back out there and get...

This is my whole recovery. Yeah. There's the road to Atlantic City. Yeah. And everything that comes in. In fact, we've got to shoot a little thing before you leave them. Okay. Yeah.

It's, uh, this is all part of it. That's what dangles. That's the dangle. Atlantic City? Yeah. Might not. That'd be awesome. Give me plenty of time.

Do some spots and tune up and go to Brooklyn, go back to Leverty Live, go to Austin. You know, it's little by fucking little. And I understand that. I do not have a gun to me. The only gun I have to my head is being ready for June for her baseball season. Okay. Every weekend. And that's going to be a fucking nightmare because those fields are usually got to hike.

Oh, you got to get a scooter. Yeah. So I got to get like a scooter or something like that. And also next thing I'll be down like Starrose. Oh, no. This is your, this is your, your, uh, rickshaw time. My rickshaw time. But the funny thing is, Lee, I mean, listen, I was walking into the store.

I was rocking it, brolin. Nobody was there, and I hit the turn next to you know, my leg went out from under me, and I could hear my hamstrings tear. I still have the pictures on my phone. Yeah. Of how it was worse than this. The bruise was up and down my fucking spine. I didn't look for that.

It happened. I don't think I had to cancel anything. I had the following two weeks or something. We've had two weeks to recover. You know, things are going to happen when you do comedy, when you're a plumber, when you're a framer, when you're a, things are going to happen. And that's where you earn your money.

Yeah. Okay, everybody knows how to be a fucking roof. Like, I worked with a lot of roofers 30 years ago. But my brother-in-law, when it came down like a problem, like, we'd be on our roof, and somebody would call them and go, bro, we can't finish this. and they go over there and fucking figure it out within three hours.

So there's a lot of comics. But can they maneuver? Can they call an audible? And that's what you have to do with this. And listen, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I was 40 because I'd be fucking coked up and trying to rush this because I got that weak.

It's a 600, you know, and you're rushing for no reason. You're going against your health. Now I'm to the age where, So everything changes. If this was 20 years ago, we'd be having a different conversation. I'm just honest about it. I'm not going to tell you that this is the way I thought when I was 43.

Right, of course. Because I don't want the people at home listening to go, I don't think that way. You shouldn't. You're a gangster. You're a hustler. You got no time to fucking bleed. That's your mentality.

You got no time to bleed. I don't know what you're talking about. Right. So. But this is how you think of 63. Yeah. This is how I'm going to say. thinking now is with a family.

You also make decisions based on what's around you. Who else gets shot in the ass? If you take off time, who doesn't, who's not able to go to fucking ballet classes, you know, these are all the things that are becoming a fucking man. Right here, Nick.

This is the scene right here. Man on the background. Oh, yeah. The fucking, it was on, but Nick never saw this. I wish you had more time. I wish.

You had more fucking time. But listen, as far as I'm concerned, I don't even feel like I had surgery three days ago. I have pained in my legs a little bit and shit like that. But everything else is pretty much kosher. You look better than you did when you were in the hospital for breathing. No, no, no, no. I started taking the BPC 157, 24 hours.

Today I shot both of them, the TB5 on you, I'm at 72 hours. So if you take that stuff, it helps you. your recovery time by 40%. Okay. So we're going to bank on that. We're going to bank on sleep, good diet, and whatever the PT puts me through. I'm not going to go ahead of what they put me. No.

You're not going to listen to the experts. No. I have public public. I have PT, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Nice. And then when I don't go to the home guy, I guess I'll go down there twice a week and whatever I could do on my own. I can't box, which I miss it right now.

Right now today for the next month, there's no way I can take a boxing, a sport boxing class. Get blood in it, get it moving. Yeah, it's not a matter of me getting hit in the head. I'm trying to be. No. Again, I'm 63.

I know who the fuck I am. And this is how he'd do it. You know what I'm saying? I love it, dude. But, uh, yeah, I was a little concerned about getting that Vegas date. I was like, when I'm going to be this Vegas day to all,

but this is, Vegas date, if I go for the Vegas date, it'll fuck me up. Okay. If I get a call in a month about the Vegas date, I'll feel a lot better and I can really see what direction I'm going. Right. You don't want to get to attend to right now. I go to physical therapy on Wednesday or something.

I wake up Thursday and the leg is swollen and it's bloody from the knee down. Not that it opened up, but something broken there. My third knee surgery. I went to lift with the girl from the YMCA. the next day I woke up from the fucking knee down. You thought I got tattooed. What do they call that one? You blacking out the whole life.

Oh, yeah. Like a sleeve. Yeah, it looks like a fucking sleeve. Oh, yeah. Take it easy. I'll take it easy. This is what this is about. This is,

it's not fucking brain surgery. No. But that's how I fucked it up last time. I got on stage. Okay. For my love of comedy, I was like, I got to go down and try this. And subconsciously, I stepped with this fucking leg.

That destroyed the fucking knee replacement. God damn it. I'm glad you're good. I'm glad you're good. Fuck yeah. You know how we do it, Lee. We're always fucking good here. It all starts in the fucking coconut.

But nothing's happened in the last week. Nothing is the same fucking bullshit in the news, right? Bro, it cost me $85 to fill my thing now. The small $85, that's a lot of fucking money. My friend's up to like $1.65. What did he drive a tank? He drives a V8 truck. Oh, my God.

Fuck that. That shit's real, man. So we got that all summer long. That means you only go to seaside four times instead of eight. You know what I'm saying? You fucking short people. Yeah. And that's it, man.

We wake up every day, rocking and rolling. You're doing stand-up. And I'm going to Japan for two weeks or 10 days. Oh, shit. Look at you. Very excited. What kind of plans do you have in Japan? going a few places. I'm doing stand-up in Tokyo. Really excited. Frank Castillo

hug me up with the club. But we're doing everything. We're doing Kyoto for a day, which is like the old school Japan. We're doing something that you'd hate. We're doing Universal Japan. Going to like the Universal, the Nintendo World. Why would I mean going to Universal? Like the Universal in Hollywood. But then we're going to Tokyo for four days. then we're doing, and we're going to a sumo. Every four times a year, they have a sumo tournament, like a, like a legit, like the big, like it's like the big deal. So we're going to that for a day. We're going to a sumo wrestling tournament.

And then, uh, yeah, that's going to be fun as fuck. They're going to throw you in the sumo. Oh, I'd love it. What if I was meant to be a sumo wrestler? No. Um, and then we're doing Okinaw for four days. And we're coming back, which is going to be a lot of fun. And I'm, dude, I'm going to eat nothing but shrimp and tuna for,

Nonstop. Hold on. I got to cut this short. I've got to go pee real quick. Okay. I'll be right back. Hey, what's going on? Listen up here.

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All right, so we were talking about sumos, I had to take a pee, and sometimes you can't focus when you, when the fucking flush is about to come out. I don't blame you. Can you imagine that they went out there and they, like, a sumo got COVID? And fucking, they looked at you and they go,

look, and you had to go in there and fucking wrestle a guy. And all of a sudden you threw them out of the ring, and they're like, you come stay with us and all this shit. You got to call me and quit. You got to quit being a comedian. I think I might do because I went they tricked me they had a thing I don't know if anyone saw this on social media but they had something um called sumo and sushi and they traveled around the country and they thing they said like all the best sumo people from japan were going to come and I went I didn't pay for the sushi because it looked weird but I we got seats and it was like it was like if they told you they were going to play a baseball game and they just played catch and like it was just it just but it was always retired sumo people. And then we were like, oh, so, and then we went and watched it, they're fucking intense. Because there's, there's no weight classes. Like, you could face fucking

the undertaker. Like it's, like, and it's just, I think I'd be good at it. Like, I think, because I have a low center of gravity, like, I've sucked at wrestling, but you couldn't pin me. So like, I think maybe, like, I, I, I think it might have been my calling. I'm fucking ready. And it's, Japan's been number one on my list for a long time. Like, I haven't been, I was, We haven't taken... I've done like little small trips. I went to Mexico for like five days. That was terrible.

And I went to Florida once for like five days. But I haven't taken... I've never done anything like this. So I'm fucking really excited. It's going to be awesome. I'm going to eat shrimp. I'm going to go... We're going to do a lot of stuff.

Like, what do you want as a souvenir? You want like a sumo wrestling outfit? I'll make it back. I'll make it back. I'm going to Okinawa. where the Air Force is and they live to like 200 years old. That's going to be fun. That's where I would go.

Yeah. Because everybody's older. Yeah. It's like the Hawaii, I found out. I didn't realize it's like, so we're just going to sit on the beach and do nothing. So Tokyo.

They're very careful there. So be careful because. Oh, that's why I love it. It's a, you have to be recommended to move on the island. Oh, yeah. It's a fucked up place.

They don't fuck around. Oh, I know. Seafood is supposedly sensational. There was a thing on it years ago, which really caught my eye around. Well, the people lived there to be 104. Yeah. That was one thing. But the other thing was that they had a,

and I think we talked to one in the last podcast, they had a bodybuilding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you told me about that. You're like, who fucking bodybuilds for 85? These motherfuckers, and listen, but they look like Arnold Schwarzenegger, no. But they look good.

You know, you see the chicken skin and stuff. but just the fact that they're doing it and the motto they said was it really makes you think that you can go to the doctor every day you go to the gym and they're like holy fuck that makes fucking a lot of sense

and they're all healthy and like they're so respectful there's a lot of rules I've learned about like what you can't do like you know in New York and the train you have to be aggressive so like I stand I don't stand right in front of the door

but like you have to be ready to go because sometimes you won't get into the train if you don't. But in like Japan, you feel like line up. And they take it very seriously. There's some restaurants that they don't allow non-Japanese people in, which I fucking love. I'm so excited. Do you walk past? Yeah, I'll watch back. That's out. I'm, fuck the Jews. Oh my God. I took a picture the other day. There was a, uh, someone has a sign up in there. I thought it was you. Someone has like a nice townhouse in New York. And they had a big sign that says, I'm proud to be a Jew.

And, like, in, like, neon lights. I was like, oh, shit. And it was, so, yeah, I'm going to, I don't know what they're going to think about Jews there. But we'll see. They might not think anything. Oh, no, I'm sure they're going to be nice. You know, I don't even think on that way of light. No.

Maybe they're thinking, I don't know. I've never ate a, you know, they don't eat you guys at sushi places. No, they don't think of anything. Right. No, they look at a sushi place. There's 10 Jews in there fucking spending big money on that fucking fish. So I don't know what they're talking about. But I'm excited.

Listen, anytime you leave the country 10 days, it's not, they shouldn't call it a vacation. It's what you're going to learn, what you're going to make it back with. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because you might get mugged over there. So I can see that happening. The Yakuza takes me down. Oh, yeah.

They might get the message over there. have someone in the Yakuza. No, no, no, no, I'm really, I'm, I'm excited to stand up there. I'm excited to, uh, to just see what it's like. Like, I, like, thank God now with the iPhone. Like, I can talk into it and they'll translate for me. Like, but I, like, I don't know, I've, the only other place I've been is Israel. I've been Israel, Mexico, Canada.

I've been around this country a bunch. But, um, I'm excited to, like, just, dude, they have so much fucking food. Like, the 7-Elevens are supposed to be, like, the, like, the, Egg salad. You want to bring you back an egg salad sandwich? Not really. They have so much. If you go to Israel, you bring me back an egg salad sandwich.

The Japanese, I checked. They can't make no ice salad. Oh, no. It's supposed to be fucking amazing. They can make a nice spicy tuna and avocado on a rice crisp. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm excited.

I'm excited. Oh, shit. Well, I'm happy you're going. Thanks, dude. I'm happy you're doing comedy. You know, I didn't think I would even be able, from the pain to do this podcast today. I'm very grateful that

it could have been a lot worse. I'm glad you're okay. I made them pretty much very nice at this hostel. But everything was broken. I've never heard of a room not being sanitized. The chair. Well, this is a different

house right. Oh, they moved to a okay. This is a clean housework. Beautiful. The fucking chair where you sit down, it doesn't stay back. Then they did a a fucking EKG because they couldn't give me pain medication. First, the EKG, I don't know what happened. I saw a lady leave shaking the head.

That can't be right. And she came back and did something. And she did it again. She goes, who? The problem is this machine doesn't work. Let me go get another one from the floor. She comes back three minutes later, plugs me up again.

That machine, though, fucking. I'm like, what is this? Candid camera. And also she goes, I got to go upstairs. And an hour later she shows up with the fucking art thing. And they finally do it. 3.30 in the morning, guys. Oh, no.

I can't fall asleep without my medication, which I did. I ended up sleeping two hours and 24 minutes. I put it on my woop. You know, I put the woop on when I was sleeping. This is it, Nick, when he tells the motherfucker, I just set up the meeting with God. Oh, yeah. The rest is up to that and shit.

And then he takes the dude from where he shoots and he puts a bomb in his ass. And he talks to him for like 15 minutes about life and shit. Oh, I think that happened. Yeah, but oh, yeah, this is. Denzel all look good then. He's always saying like, by whatever. Just about the hospital not working.

Everything was broken. Yeah, it was a fucking nightmare. Then I got up at six. they brought me, no, and I got to tell you the one that broke everybody. So they come back, seven, let's take your vitals, okay, how do you feel them, campaign? You know, okay, let's see if we could get you something. Did you order breakfast?

I go, no, they go, order breakfast. Breakfast wasn't bad. Scramble decks, I didn't see the yolk, but beggars can't be choosing. The oatmeal was really good. Thank God, I ordered an oatmeal, there was a fruit fucking thing. Look at the Canadians, look, in the church they say to forgive, right here and he cracks him oh they won't translate what he said

I'm just here to set up the meeting yeah I'm just here to set up the meeting and shit so they come in they decide they could give me one fucking five milligram oxy which doesn't do dick for you and then here's the clink of my wife shows up about 11 they're like you pretty much could leave nobody really talked to me One doctor came, one of the surgeon.

And the one nurse goes, why don't you order food for Terry? And wait, you're not going to be discharged about two. So I'm like, Terry, you want to eat here? So Terry ordered like the spaghetti marglazano tomato paste. And I went simple, with chicken salad, with chicken noodle soup. Oh, 30 minutes later they show up with Terry's lunch. But they didn't bring my lunch. And so who's important?

And I called. They're like, not our problem. You know, not our problem. I'm like, really? Okay. So fucking. I just said, listen, let me go. I'm not getting nothing done here.

My anxiety's running out. You're not going to give me pain medication. So what am I doing here? I came home to be show. Yeah, you got home early. You're like, I'll be home by at 4. You're home at like 1.32 o'clock. You called me.

Yeah, yeah. So, and listen. We each got to make moves of progress. I don't know what we're doing about the podcast next week. I'm going to bring the mic if you want to do it. Leo B in Japan. I'll do it from Tokyo. All right, maybe we'll do it.

Hit me up. We'll do it live from Tokyo. Wait until they hear the lines. They're going to knock on the door. And then you're going to find out how they really feel about Jews. And then that's it. But I'm excited for you to go. Thanks, buddy.

You know, give me another reek to heal. And hopefully by that time, I can make it up and down the stairs. You know, I'm already going up and down stairs. I slept upstairs both nights. So, yeah, but all I got on the books right now was we're going to. It's, uh, what are people saying in the 70s? Grateful dead or bust?

Yeah. Atlantic City or Buzz? Yeah. Now it's fucking Atlantic City or bust. Oh, you got two nights now? Two nights. They had the second night, so. I love it.

We love it. But I wish you luck. Thank you, dude. Don't get mugged over there because you do. You do for a mug and a slap. It's all going to work out, buddy. I'm happy you're going to Japan. Love you.

Love you, buddy. Stay blacky.