Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - To live life, is to learn

Episode Date: January 13, 2026

Nothing happens on the couch has been replaced and updated for 2026. Joey tells Lee why a comic union won't work, Joey talks about something he tries to never talk about, Lee and Joey look back at The Church's legacy and much more! SHOW NOTES Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? We're here for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now. New Testament. I'm here with my trusted fucking soldier of debt. Cato Lee Syatt and Uncle Joey's here for another fucking whatever. What up, Mook?

Where you've been? You've been hiding lately? What happened? I've been in Saratoga. It was a good weekend. I went up and I got, uh, we got, we were talking about like how expensive food is. up to a place in like

Albany and got barbecue that's actually pretty fucking good but I had something do you ever smoke before you go out eat somewhere and then people What the fuck is wrong with you? But the fucking people I had like this old I sat next to this old lady at like we just I just sat at the bar

to eat and she like as soon as I sat down she like turned up her nose and like loudly to the bar to the barterer like someone's smoking a rife from like meanwhile she was hammered at two in the afternoon and I was like I've no like I've like I've It's amazing that people still get upset about it.

I didn't smoke in the restaurant. I just smoked and went inside. And way bad. I'm saying, that's right. I got more for you, for later. And that's it. I'll never smoke that. You know,

she's ordering an Uber because she got to read DUI. Oh, yeah. So it really don't, you know what I'm saying? Like when those people, listen, marijuana is so far, like out there now. Yeah. If you're still talking little shit about marijuana, you just, there's something wrong with you at this point in the game.

Oh, yeah. And plus, Like a restaurant would want people to smoke weed before they came inside. Because she had one order of sliders. Meanwhile, we had like $100 worth of food, appetizers, two entrees. Put like fucking a little bigger cologne, not to put it on you, but just to spray it on you. If you don't want. Oh, I don't care.

I don't care. I can care the fuck less. I walk into the best restaurant in the world reeking of refa. Oh, yeah. Fuck it. Let them know what type of the party this is. But I'm not going to, at this age, I'm not going to smoke. Like, I smoke whenever and wherever the fuck I want.

But listen. Okay, but this is consequences here. Okay. I don't want to smoke around kids. No. To confuse their parents. You follow me? Like, the other day, my neighbor, we were talking about something.

We were talking about edibles. And she go, and Addy was there. And she was talking about edibles, something. She doesn't take them. She was talking to Addy goes, what type of person? brownies. And she goes, you know that smell? You smell in New York City that you don't like it. Right. Oh. She goes, yeah, I don't like that smell. There's people who just don't like that smell. And when you go

into the city now, that's what it smells like. Oh, dude, I... The whole city smells like marijuana. Go down to Jersey short. It smells like marijuana. I don't think this is what people signed up for, but this is the result that you got. Do you not? Because I do it all the time. I pretty much, not now because it's cold. But, like, if I'm going between spots, I bring joints so I can smoke on the walk to the next spot. Absolutely. Okay, so that's okay.

I thought you were saying. Yeah, no. Yeah. You're going to do comedy. Right. Okay? Some people go lift weights. You know,

you go on Instagram, and there's a guy swinging kettlebells. You know, he's yoked. I mean, super yoked. Right. He's got three tattoos. He's bald. And he's telling you he's a fitness instructor.

He ain't no fitness instructor. He just did steroids. He just did steroids. Steroids is fucking. What do you call that? Like, they don't allow it in most sports. Right, right, right. But thank God they allow reaffering comedy.

Because you know what? Okay, you eat a bag of dicks with the New York Comedy Club. You got an eight block walk now to the rest of the place. You say goodbye. You're like, ooh, I'm not going to cash his $25. I just ain't in front of eight people. And then you walk over there, and on the walk over, you smoke a joint. And trust me, if you get high, like, at night, like, really high, like, that don't have with me.

Right. I got to eat three fucking nickel edibles. But if you're getting an eye off riefer in between sets. Yeah. And it's like a two-hour. Like you're there. Now you've got to be there for an hour and a half. It's not like you're, by the time you go to that next smoke,

you're going to need it. And you're going to ride a joke on the way. That walk is everything. That little eight-block walk, well, not for me, for you. Eight blocks, I got to bring the inhaler and fucking walk slow and make believe I'm getting calls. What are you? I don't see you.

I'm not running any races on the walkie. It takes me a phone. But I don't walk. You know, it's like to say, listen, who am I lying? If I come up to the dojo on Tuesday, right? And then they have an open mic. And I get in my car, I could run and catch the RBR lounge and do a spot there at 10. On the fucking drive, what are you doing?

You're talking to your mother on the phone. You're talking to your girlfriend. You're by yourself. And you're going over that thought. You got 25 minutes to drive. What a fuck. You got a notebook next to you with a pen. And you're just cutting off motherfuckers and thinking about shit.

Oh, shit. Because now you're out. Now you're in your creative mode. Forget when's the best time to write a joke after you get offstage? Yeah. Because you're right there. You just did it. This is not you at 8 in the morning.

Is this funny? Is this funny? No. You just went into the spot. Now you go to another spot and wait until you start making it. get money and like you fucking, you're shooting HBO special. You're going to give you $13 million. You can hire somebody to give you rides.

Oh my God. And that's even better. Like you tell the motherfucker here, stay high, put the headphones on, don't listen to a word I'm saying to myself in the car. I'm just going to sit in between traffic lights and go for the next. That's the best time to ride a joke after you performed. You're loose. There's no, you know, you can do all this shit, right?

Before a baseball game, what he? You stretch. You do all this thing. You do all this shit, but there's nothing like going out there and just swinging the fucking back. But we're older, so we're scared. We got to do little trunk swings and shit because we don't want to swing and fucking rip an abdomen. Right. But you go out there, whatever, is abdomen?

You go out, oblique. No, you're right. You don't want to go out there and fucking swing. You know, that's the same thing. We just swung. Okay. This is the third inning. You figured out the pitcher.

He struck you out the first time. And that's fine. he struck you out in the fucking first inning. You were cold in the motherfucker. You didn't stretch. Right. Right? And now you went out there.

He struck you out. But now you've been watching this motherfucker. And all the other guys, when they walk off, and they got struck out there. Oh, watch the slider. Watch this. Watch this. Watch that. You go up there, two pictures in, you time it.

And you got a single. I wish comedy, it does work like that. But sometimes I'll watch a show. Like, if I bomb, and I'll watch a show. I'll have, like, a. intrusive thought about like running back on stage. Like at the end of the show, just let me do this again. I know I can get you guys now.

Please. Please. It's too late. You're like Ralph Cramden and the honeymooners. $50,000 question and they will, like, it's too late. It's too late. Merrill Shaw, 1952. He kept, you got to go now.

You got to go now. Vinie Askalese, 1929. You know, like he kept fucking saying shit. Right. But here's the other thing. since we're talking to comics real quick and I told you this because let's be honest

after 30 years I finally figured this out nobody told me and it's just like anything else you know when you do your weekly spots right I want you to like that's why I don't like open like the

you know pay five dollars Right. Go up the other comics are looking at you, they're on their phones, and you really don't get a read. Yeah, you go through the emotions, but you don't know if you bombed or if they worked. So what the fuck? What are we doing here?

What are we doing here? Just go to a bar and tell Vinny, Vinny, Vinny, Nicky, go up there and fucking tell the bartender, I'm going to get on stage and do ten jokes here. You know what I'm saying? Well, let him go. Put the light on. Well, if we get laughs, you could put on light on after three minutes,

you know, shit like that. I'm just exaggerating. No, but that'd be great. But the whole thing always that I never did as a comic because of addictions and stupidity was I never went up there with, it's another word for purpose. When we discussed this.

Intention? Intention. Another word for intention. So, again, you're 38. You go to Jiu-Jitsu. You're there for 90 days. You learn the basic shit. Now you're there for 180 days.

Now you're there for 180 days. going with people, you're still getting beat up. But after a while, I forgot when I'm going with this, the edible's hitting me. Going somewhere with intent? You know, after a while, when I go, so after a while you become a blue belt and you're so crazy, you're just going into tap people. Right. I'm 63.

I have no intention to tap anybody. You don't want to tap anybody? I get little victories. I get a hook in, I sweep you. Oh, my God. And you're done? That's it. That's it.

I got to go. We did jumping jacks. We did push-ups. We did sit-ups. We drilled. That's it. So intention is everything. Right. When I go to a class and Nicky's like, let's jiu-jitsu,

Nikki's fucking ten times quicker than me. Even if he busted his ankle, he'd be quicker than me. I could sit on him. If I could get him. But Nicky's smart. If I can get him. And even then, these young guys, they always find a way to hook your leg. And next thing you know, you're flying in the fucking hand.

Oh, my God. And you're 200 pounds heavy. these motherfuckers. But my point is, when I go to Jiu-Zitza, I don't go for any of that brazzled dazzle. I just go to not get hurt. Right. To do one fucking thing. So, you're leaving one club. You're going to the other one. Well, Joey, I bombed. But look where you performed. I'm not taking nothing away from you. I'm not taking nothing away from stand-up comedy. But I won because I tried that joke the first time. I ate a bag of Dicks.

But the second time, everything I dropped sucked, but that joke got a laugh. Yeah. I won. That was my intention for the night, was to tighten up that joke. And by the time you get to the third spot, it's gravy now. There's eight people. You go in there that crack that joke, but there ain't nobody to crack it with. There's only eight people.

Yeah. And now you start talking and you found a variation for that joke. So that's intention. I had no intention. My intention was to get a gram of Coke and fucking snort it after the show and who was going to suck my dick. So I had no intention. When did you start, like, doing that with comedy when you... About a year ago.

I will. Because I don't have much to do. I don't have five nights. I got two nights. So I got to get the most out of my two fucking nights of comedy. I can't go every night to do comedy. You don't think so? Listen, man.

Even if you did the 8 o'clock show? I got some stories for you, right? Okay. No, I just got stories for you that. It's not what it used to be. Oh, right. I can't live that life no more, but no mad. Look, I come in at one in the morning.

I'm done for two nights. I don't have no reason to lie to hang anybody. Okay, yeah, I get you. I go out on Wednesday, I get on 11.30 after a two-hour drive. And then I pull a Thursday night And I bump into Nick and you and George And we're talking And he has he wants to get eggplants calipini

And a pizza place And it's one 30 in the morning Nobody drank But nobody in this room is gonna be tip top Magoo at 7.30 when I call you And we need to be up at 7.30. Yeah. So then, you know, it's not like the old days

When I just flipped over Took a Coke's knot out of my nose ate it, banged one out And went right back to bed to one. Those days I can't do that. No. I got people looking at me. I got cats meowing. I got wives asking me questions and shit. You know. I had to take a nap at like 6 o'clock the other night because I had a midnight show. Listen, I take a nap every day and sometimes two naps. A day? Good for you.

Today my nap was... Oh, you're going to the whoop, 49 minutes. And that's all I needed. That's it. Just a little... After I lift and drive and people telling me, You got to join up the fucking, today I got into it with the fucking agency. You have to link up the page for a gig. Guys, what are you talking about? A Facebook page now? You have to link it. Right.

I'm not doing that. That's not happening. We just sell tickets here. You know what I'm saying? We just sell tickets. I'm not linking groups and putting posters of me in the shower. I don't need that aggravation. I can't wait to be able to say that to one person.

I don't think I've, I don't think I can tell anyone no. Well, hold on. Right now nobody's asking you to join. Right, exactly. But then at first you really enjoy it. But then you're like, this shit don't work. I get more action out of taking a picture and jumping off the bridge and saying dates in Saratoga. Yeah.

Than me coming up at 7 in the morning and doing TV. Wait till you start doing TV, local news. I've only done radio a couple times. I've never done TV. Local news. When you're sitting there with two other people and like, hi, we just, oh, my God, those bagels were yummy from Empire Bagel on Edgewater Road. But now, for you people who love to laugh, it's a bunch of housewives at 9 o'clock in the morning. Oh, yeah.

You know, it's a grandbonds and shit. And you're like, yeah. It's going to be a fun week on at the funny bowl. We're going to have bingo night there. They started to follow, like, didn't a girl go in as like a rapper? he had like a fur coat with a chain like towards the very end of him needing to do that he he just said fuck it

I'm gonna start fucking with these people oh yeah then they don't want you and you're like fine fine but some people like remember that dude in Reno oh yeah oh it stayed at his apartment seven in the morning so lunch he dropped you off and he picked you up at one

and he's like we're doing radio to 5 no no no no yeah but it's calling at five listen it's not I'm going home. I'm going on. I'm going on. I ain't doing no afternoon radio.

We did enough. That's it. There was a guy in Pittsburgh that made you do a fucking truck show. What do you mean? Break a one-nine. Oh, hysterical. So after you did Pittsburgh radio, you went to his house and did another hour with him. On like a CB radio? On like a CB fucking radio. And I walked out one.

I'm like, I'm hungry, dog. Who does he want to? come he wants the truckers to come? It is. I don't know. That's hysterical. I just didn't do it. I just didn't fucking do it. Especially during your Coke days.

I can't imagine you having the patience to do any of this stuff. Yeah, that was towards the end of my Coke days. But that was, see, towards the end of my Coke in the beginning, it took me about six months to get calibrated. Real quick, like eight months, nine months. I got, I mean, I still didn't feel well. but that not feeling well made me like angry. So now I was asking for money.

Like you had a good time for a long time. You know what I'm saying? You had a good time for a long time. Paying me 200, charging 25 at the door and giving me 200. Sometimes the checks bounced. You had a good time. It's different now. And bro, 50% of people go,

you're done with me, Joey. And that's fine because they weren't real anyway. But the 50% that stay, now you have something to work with. So now your attitude changes, and now they're on board because they understand. You did a movie, you did this, you did that.

You're not selling out places, but people come to see you. Yeah. So what the fuck are we doing here? And now you start asking for shit, and people are like, you're too tough to work with. Oh, right, does I matter?

you get $20 a ticket, 400 fucking people, and I get $200. And for eight years I've been doing that. And I appreciate the work. Yeah. But how many mortgages can I pay for you? Now it's my turn.

Now it's my turn. Give me a little extra. Let's do 400. Oh, I can't do that. And then they do it and they go, but don't tell nobody. And then years later, I'm talking to Lina and he's like,

he paid me $800, you dumb fuck. Oh, my God. That's why he told me not to tell nobody. Why do you think the comics union thing never worked out? Because we're whores. That's it. I could go into, like, give you, like, a chat. Like, no, because we're horrors.

Because you and I both know if a booker calls me right fucking now and says, Joe, I got a gig tonight. Pace $350. You're going to drive an hour, come back. I'm going to go, you know what, man? It's fucking late notice. I got a kid I got a cat

I'll do it for 400 and the guy I go no no no no no all right no beef no beef I just didn't want to do it tonight by the time I hit that door George will call that same guy and go hey I'll do it for 300 so what union do I have

right I don't know it's just that little thing comedians have it's not you know I think hookers have it too who knows there's not a hooker union right because somebody will suck your dick for $10 eventually if you keep asking. Yeah, it's a fucked up part. If you go to a homeless tent,

there's a chicken there that'll suck your dick for $10. No teeth, it doesn't look good, a hair's all ratted up. There's a fly living and a natural, you know, but fucking... I'm just imagining it what a $10 blow job would be. Just nasty, something that you even close your eyes and go, God, I hope,

Nobody finds out about this, but I needed a blow job, and I had a coupon. And I knew I could beat that fucking price of $200 that that chick wants to suck my dick for. So I know if I keep creeping, you'll find somebody. I keep creeping. It's like a woman, you know, and I'm not saying anything bad about women or anything like that, but think about it. You go to a woman, a girl's fucking 28, she's got student loans and shit. She works out of bar. You go in there every night.

You're 40. Maybe you got a million dollars in the bank. Who the fuck knows? And every night you tell her. I'll give you a thousand bucks to eat your snatch. If you ask her for eight months, once a week, eventually you're going to go, give me $12.50, but don't tell nobody. Oh, my God.

And you're like, I change my mind. See you later. You know, it's just stupid shit like that. But eventually, if you tell somebody every day, you're going to loop them out. Well, you don't think, like, it's, you would think, I think comics would be able to do, like, I don't know, like, because unions work in other places. Unions work across the board.

But if you have weakness before, like, if I tell you 10 times, leave, you can't go down there. Some people cannot. You're going to go, Joey, but they keep calling me. Five nights a week, they call me, and they'll give me 15 bucks and a steak dinner. You know, did you ever see the show on Showtime about Mitchie Shore and the Comedy Store? Parts of it, not all. Not all that. I'm lying up here.

I'm dying up here. That was what a couple episodes were about. Because, yeah, that went on in the store years ago. Yeah, years ago. But it's not. It's not. You have, we're from a rare species, species. Especially at some level, we just go off.

And, you know, I don't know what I did. But I'm sure I did a couple creepy things in the beginning. You know, I'm sure I called people overhearing something. How could you not? I was thinking about the first gig I got offered and I was going to visit my dad. And I was so, I was, because when you go from only doing those $5 open mics

to actually getting like a real show, to me it felt like I was getting called for Madison Square Garden. It was a fucking apartment show where there was like, the rugs were crusty. It was disgusting. But it was my first gig. And to like, especially New York. York, you go to these open mics, because these open mics are got to be honest, a little even

not scarier than L.A., but there's a little bit more, I think with the train, there's a little bit more mental health issues in New York than there might have been in L.A. Because in L.A. you have to at least be able to drive. And it was, like, there's some people that I just, I see them hanging out at shows. And I'm like, you've only, no one would ever put you up at an actual show because you're a crazy person. But you're right. If everyone, if, like, all the regular comics banded together to get, like, a union together,

that guy would get an offer to do the shitty show and he would just do it. It's depressing. Especially now, we have such a market. It's so... Everybody's a comedian. Yeah. Everybody's a comedian. Once a week, somebody comes up to me, someone goes, I just got on stage.

for the first time it's great. I'm dumping my kids. And you're like, but everybody's a comedian. Yeah. Now they have movies about it. I haven't seen it yet, but they haven't seen it even.

We got an ad, right? Yeah. Let's kick up. Give me two minutes. We're going to talk to you about, it's the beginning of the year. You want to start your coconut on the right leg. Better help is going to talk to you about a couple of things.

All right, we'll be right back. Stay black. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. This episode is sponsored. by Better Help. The New Year can be a tough time.

Remember, it's okay to ask for help. Therapy is a great way to better understand your emotions and what you're going through. Listen, when I first moved to Jersey, I was going through some stuff. I contacted Better Help, spoke to them on a weekly basis, and here I am. Better Help Therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and fully licensed in the U.S. identify your needs, preferences with their online quiz. If you're not happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms.

BetterHelp makes it easy to get you matched with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% at BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. Again, sign up. at BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Diaz, and get 10% off at betterhelp.com. And listen, don't ever be ashamed to ask for help. Better help will help you. So go to betterhelp.

com slash Diaz and get 10% off right now. Thank you. We're back, Jack. Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about is very important. What I wanted to talk to you about that was very important was my behavior last Monday on the show, torturing you. You know, I think that it was my own insecurities. And, you know, Lee, I've been around you.

You're like a kid. You've been around me a year longer than my daughter. So you're like a child to me. And I told you, even John Wayne, we don't take this shit lightly. You know what I'm saying? And I'm your stepdad, so I'm very sorry. I said those things. I want to leave it at that.

he looked a little pale last week and I felt bad but you know you have to understand where I'm coming nobody in this everybody in this room is in this room for a reason I can have 10 people in this room I don't because I just want love in this room I want people that breathe for one another

and that's very important to me in life I don't have many years left on this fucking planet but what I have left I want with people who will breathe for me because I'll breathe for them you know so my apologies on that. And number two that we have to cover on this show this week.

And you know I'm not a political motherfucker. I don't care about any of that shit. I don't know about the GOP or what's going on in Venezuela. I don't know. Maduro. I don't know the oil. I don't know any of this shit about the world.

But I knew no one thing and I'll stand behind it 150%. And I know the streets. I fucking. I fucking know the streets. And I mean, I look at it to you, you know, because I'm old and shit, but I'll go to that Bronx and I'll bang it out with every fucking Dominican up there because I know the corners.

I know how the street works. And everything in life changes except the movement of the street. Desperate people walk a certain way. A burglar walks a certain way. A fucking cocaine addict walks a certain way. The street doesn't lie and it never fucking changes. I fuck around with Lee and I fuck around with you people but I tell you what I respect things more than any of you motherfuckers do

and I know for a fact because I go on I read your pages and there's no respect anymore but the things I respect the most even if I fucking my mother died even when Social Security wouldn't give me money even when they threw me in fucking jail for something I did was laws and the country and how it works What I saw last week Should scare you more than ever And I'll cut into a story to tell you because we were just talking about the story two weeks ago

I feel that last Tuesday in America They just murdered a fucking woman on the street But Joey, she weaponized the car I weaponized the car once That motherfucker is still walking with a limp, okay? I know what weaponizing a fucking car is, okay? And people are going to have different. opinions on this one. Let me tell you what I saw. I saw a fucking chick that divorced the husband

that was confused. All of a sudden, he'd eat pussy. And all of a sudden, who saw the Grammys last night? I went to the Golden Gloves. I woke up this morning. I'm trying to have them good morning and I'm going through Twitter. And I see a thing about Mark Rufelo. And it's like, Mark, how are you doing tonight? I feel great to be here this evening, you know, with Hollywood's elite, but I really can't enjoy myself because of the murder of whatever. We wore a pin. I'm not one of those guys. I'm not one of those guys at all.

I'm not one of those guys at all. But, you know, there's people who find that solace and they find peace going somewhere at Rudy's and for George to come up to me and say, oh, my God, I saw what you did on NBC. You're so brave. There's people who live for that shit. I know somebody has to stick up for the blind children. in fucking Tel Aviv, whatever. I don't know.

I don't know all the efforts in the world. I'm not one of those guys. I've never been one of those people, but that woman was. But Joey, they taunted the ice agents. You know, years ago in Boulder, when we lived in Boulder, the CIA would come.

And one of the things I took from those things, so that went down there, not to protest the CIA, just to see white kids getting beat up. I enjoy that, you know what I'm saying? I enjoy seeing stupid people get beat up. And Doug, every year, what I noticed was that all the police and the other people would have the shields. And people would just be yelling at them.

Me? Who yells? And I got to foot up your ass. Especially if I'm a cop. Hey, you fat spick. Over. If you think the beating they put on Rodney King, you ain't seen nothing yet. I'm going to Rodney King this motherfucker.

I'm going to duplex him because I'm a fucking cop, okay? That's why I didn't become a cop. that's why I don't do roast that's why I don't like you know there's a point and after that point you're fucking they're just white people bro in America in Minnesota

what's the joke you used to tell me about Minnesota go get a gallon of milk some stupid shit exactly what do they know you're here when I walk into an airport and you always have this family cut you off 9 out of 10 when you walk into an airport

Right and early in the morning, there's always a family. It walks in front of you. And you're like telling your girlfriend or, you know, you're trying to get your luggage, make sure you got your ticket. And all of a sudden it's freezing out. Fucking freezing. You cut you. Where's my scarf?

You know? And you go on. And this family walks into the airport and they just stop. They think they're in heaven. And they're speaking all different. I, too, but I, t, titi. They're all talking, like, like, move. Yeah.

Move. Fucking move. You could step aside and park all that shit and look around and Oh, Japan, all that shit for an hour. By the time you're finished, I'm already at the gate.

Back in my shit. That was one of those women. You know what I'm saying? She was like, move the car, move the car. She's looking. She stepped. You can't shoot a tire. You can't shoot a, I mean,

to shoot a woman in broad daylight. in the clip and people have different opinions I don't talk about this type of shit on the show why are we talking about a couple weeks ago my mother's friend who I took the Polaroids are my mother had two friends

and I told you guys the bar time that I was really odd but I liked her name was Dina I was at a house when Hank Aaron hit the home run she was cooking and shit Dina had a baby but I was was tight with Dignana and her husband. A husband I was really tight with.

Dignor was, I was 10, 9, and Dina would talk to me about stories of Cuba. One day she told me, I think I told you guys, she goes, feel my head. And it was like a fucking pimple for her. I was like, yeah, like, what is that? She goes, that's scrappine him. From the fucking gun.

Yeah. December 31st, 1959. She goes, everybody was leaving advantage. She goes, I got in a car with my sister. She goes, we just went like we're going into the compo, you know, into the country, whatever the fuck. She goes, we missed a fucking spot. They killed my sister and they left me for dead in the car. She had like scrappling all in the fucking head.

This is before 9-11, so she'd go to the airport with no fucking problems. You know, there was no magnetic plane plane. She's not going to fuck up your 4G phones. That's so funny. But that always reminded me of that. A year ago, listen, again, if you think you hate Jimmy Kimmel, I hate him more than you guys ever hated Jimmy Kim. Okay?

I don't think Jimmy Kimmel ever said a funny fucking thing. I think if you stay up late to watch Jimmy Kimmel is a problem with you. But I never spoke about this publicly. That's the CEO, whoever shot him down because of what he was saying about the president, whatever he wasn't saying. Freedom of speech is the First Amendment, is it not. Yeah? Once you lose that, you lose everything.

And they retraced it and they gave him back his job and all that shit. But that's to show you the wind that were kind of taken. It's the wind that were kind of taken. The world's changing right in front of your fucking eyes. Oh, yeah. You know, it's changing right in front of your eyes. But this situation, you know, again, I'm not going to show up in New York City at the protest. I just know to me was a man.

who does this for 10 years for ICE and should be prepared. Listen, when I first saw it before any judgment, I thought it was murder. I just thought something wasn't fucking right there. That's just my true opinion. And then I heard, and I saw both sides

and 18 different fucking angles because everybody's got J.F. Kennedy around them now. Everybody got a fucking phone. I never saw it like that. Everybody had a fucking angle. Even the cop had his side of the thing. Come on, guys. I don't know. It's a fucked up situation. I don't know why ICE people don't have to wear body cams.

But even like he was recording, so I saw that. And I'm like, I'm like 90% with you. The only thing is in, I feel like it's like the same when people like protest by sitting on the highway. Like goofy people. But here's the thing. He was, she was blocking it like, no matter what. And I don't agree with what ICE is doing. I don't, I don't, or how they're doing it.

Like she shouldn't have been shot first. But they're there in their cops. And they're allowed to, like, it's, it's just, why would you put, that's not a situation I would put myself in. Well, the cop got, the cop got hit 10 months ago, and he got 37 stitches. Well, then why is he standing in front of fucking cars for?

You hit me with a car. I'm moving the fuck over. He'll deal with it later. And that's exactly what he did. But, you know what I didn't like out of the whole fucking thing? what's this country built on you thought about going to loss right now i'm driving home i love you guys see you next week see you sunday george i see you tuesday i get in my car i leave here and i stop soon and i shoot a guy he goes to mug me the gun falls and i shoot him whatever the fuck right

what was my point his country's both on laws okay nick gets a call george gets a call i don't know if you know this joey got arrested for attempted murder. He got arrested and they're going to charge him. No. You guys are going to get a call that says, Joey got arrested. There was a shooting and he's going to get charged tomorrow

morning, 8 o'clock. They're holding him in North Perrigan. Next morning, you guys wake up. Terry gets the bail money. We go down there. What is that called? Called the arraignment first and then correct. It's due process.

So wait a second. What's a difference between that and I shoot you and I go on TV and go, you're a domestic terrorist? Yeah. That was not good, guys. That was not good. You know, Lee, I've been dying or apologized to you. Since I said that things on the podcast, I have to apologize to you on the podcast.

I could have just called you. You could have blown this soul. I did that because I have to live by my word. You fuck up. You have to claim responsibility. When that dude came out, bank, whatever's fucking the vice president, I don't know. He came out.

Dog, I had goosebumps of what this guy, how he was acting. The energy was wrong. He was condemning somebody already. Instead of coming out with a smile and going, listen, I'm not sure about what happened. I don't have all the details, but it was something, not good. And I knew something like this was about to happen, so we're going to have to make changes.

Nobody said that guy. Nobody said that. Remember, the next day, when the paper comes out, what is it called another, the Hudson Dispatch? It's going to say, ex-comedian, podcaster, Joey Diaz was arraigned

for attempted murder, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't say nothing about, I'm a condemned murderer, or I'm a thief from 1982, or it doesn't say that. that's what I didn't like. That's what really I go, wait a second,

so they fucked up and now you're gonna lie to my fucking face. I mean, enough. How long can we get lied for as Americans? About everything. Listen, if they lie about one thing, they lie about everything. Okay?

That's true. And here's what I like, because I, you know, we don't fully agree on it, but that's fine. And there's gonna be a lot of people who are angry about you for saying this,

and there's going to be a lot of people who love it. I don't give a fuck. But. I got to say something about this. I don't sit here and talk about presidents or vice presidents or dictators or how I feel about this group or how I feel about that group because I don't feel anything about that shit. But you have said, and I was going to say this to your credit, is you have said like some pro right side, Trump side stuff previously on the pocket. Not a lot, but you've talked about certain things and you've been on the other side.

So it's like the thing that upsets me and I think it's what Vance was doing is if you're on one side, whatever that's. is you have to take it completely. Like there's no seeing the other side. And I think... Well, I have a dear friend that I've known over 20, 30 years. They called me immediately. We started talking. And he's her or whatever winger.

I don't know what winger. And he looked at it completely opposite. Yeah. I didn't argue with him. I let him tell me what... I said, what happened? Because, again, as human beings... A fly could come out right here.

Lee's fly could just pop out of one of his shoes. And I go like this, and the fly goes down, and the cops come. Lee's going, I'm going to press charges. The cop's going to ask you what happened. They're going to ask you what happened. They're going to ask him what happened. They're going to ask me what happened. Two of those stories aren't going to match.

You were on the phone looking at a sports fucking thing. George, God knows he's drinking the, he's dreaming of something fucking absurd. so we're all going to get different takes, you know, and we're okay. We're human beings. I don't get mad at any of that of the shit. I look at it and I go, hmm, so you motherfuckers waited eight years for the Epstein list

to let me know that Michael Jackson was on the island with Woody Allen and those people. Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you. You're going to throw Michael Jackson under the fucking bus now. motherfucking people that it doesn't matter

you know what I'm saying like everybody knows Woody Allen's a pedophile oh he was on the island you know right so I understand those things so we get lied to

and again I came here with a mother who was pro American I was raised by a mother that if fucking you know she loved Kennedy but if the Americans killed Kennedy

fuck it so be it you know he fucking left the Cuban people with that dick in their hands of all that shit I grew up with somebody who said when I was 18, they were going to throw me in the fucking Marines because of what the country did to them to take them in. So I'm not coming at you, motherfuckers,

like some commie or some fucking idiot. I'm coming at you from a criminal perspective. I'm not coming at you from a fucking voting perspective or who I'm trying to... I'm coming at you as a fucking criminal, okay? Lifelong criminal. That chick, it was not a criminal. she fucked up and she did not deserve to get shot in the face

listen the size of that gun there was no face left like there's no face left bro there was nothing there was like a little stem and like a piece of her tongue everything else was fucking gone and you're gonna and you're gonna you know go home and then tell me to my faith tell me we're gonna investigate it

it kind of been shady and I'm trying to turn off the TV and go, wow, America's really America still. I'm a Cuban dude, dog. So I take this shit more seriously than any you motherfuckers that were born here. I look at this and go, because when I came here, this is a hero. Elvis was a hero. You know, Nixon was a hero. Those people, I looked at them as God when I was growing up.

You know, and little by little, you just get smacked in the face. So now, 30 years later, after I've got a thousand fucking scars on my face, from taking Coke rocks out of that four in the morning and all this shit. You're going to tell me that it was our own government that was bringing the fucking Coke in. So now you're going to tell us 50 years later that the president

who America loved and the whole thing, our own government fucking shot them. So we've been getting lied to it. And it's okay. That's my, I was exactly what I was going to ask you. Do you think America used to do like they used to do the right thing

or they just used to be better at lying to us? They were better at lying to us. They were better at lying to us. It felt good to be lying to us. But the bomb is now everybody lies to it to you. I don't think they lie anymore. Well, they're lying, but they're just saying shit they shouldn't say. What they tell you news is, it's not fucking news.

You're returning to news and you're like, just saying, I want to see the kid who got hit by a bus. What is this shit? You know, a guy saves eight cats. This ain't news. Forget if you put the New Jersey news on, like New Jersey 12. And they got the same stories from three days ago. You know, you're like, how much happens. Yeah, like nothing.

Some, the other night, two kids. shot somebody in my neighborhood, a 14-year-old in Sayerville. There's so much on TV. Why do you want? Never mind. Not, no. Listen, at night, before I go upstairs, I take my medication, and I put on New Jersey 12 because it gives me the weather.

Got it. And I know what to expect in the morning, which is all bullshit. But at least, you know, I know the weather at 5.30, when I open my curtain, cold. Fuck that shit. It's that 5.30 dog. It's dark and cold. Some nights I get the coffee, and I just go outside for three minutes.

And the coffee's steaming, and I'm out there, not even shaking. It feels kind of good for about a minute and a half. And then you're like, okay, I've had enough of this shit. When you go in, as you're walking down the stairs, your hand touches the pants, and you're like, God damn, it's cold out there. Or your pants hit your leg, and you're like, oh, my God, what the fuck was I thinking? Listen, there's going to be people that are happy And there's going to be people upset with me about saying these things

And I'm fine with it to say you know I don't pop off about a lot of shit I never do pop off about anything Because I don't want the podcast And all that shit and listen I don't want to hear to upset nobody But I'm talking to you guys as a criminal Not as a whatever American who

You know gets up in the morning and salutes the flag I do that too in my heart, but you're talking to somebody who really respects. I never blamed the cop. In all my ears, George, I blame a cop. I did what I did. I made the choices I did. They did their fucking job.

And that's what they're supposed to do. And shame on them for not put me under the fucking jail when they had me. You know what I'm saying? Shame on them for not put me under the jail. So because I've been on that side of the coin, I've seen a lot of shake from now. To me, that looked like stone cold murder.

And it's our government getting a little bit more comfortable with. But here, like, the other part of it is like, you know, she was a parent. And it was Mercy's birthday last week. And I think you're right. I think like when you said it's like, couldn't you've shot the time? Like shooting people used to be something that like was like, was like, the last resort. And it seems,

I'm, I'm desensitized to it. Like, when you were talking about the news, it's like, there's a new, there's,

I hear about a new shooting every 20 minutes. Yeah, you don't know. You're watching the sports and all of a sudden, you're about to score. Hold on.

We got breaking news. A priest has been run over by a car in Brooklyn. Details of 11. Listen. All right. Move over. You know what I'm saying? I got 20 on the game.

Yeah, exactly. honest to God, I'm going to tell you, bothered me. Just letting you. Yeah. And I'm not going to talk about voting or ice, what anybody did wrong. I'm going to tell you something. When I got in trouble, I'm not getting trouble because somebody got hurt. Everybody knew the people involved. Number two, I did not cop to it. I would not cop to it because I thought it was cool.

I don't know what happened, but okay. But at the same time, you're not going to blame anybody, but. You can't blame it. anybody for, I can't blame somebody for my mistakes or whatever, right? But I gotta tell you, man, it's just something about that when he came on just seeded me. It just seed me, like he was lying to my face. I felt like I was getting lied to her and the energy was weird. He should have came out with more of a smile on his face and broke down the situation. and I know the ICE people get, you know,

all of a sudden they started blowing statistics up about how many threats they get and all this other shit. We wanted, listen, anybody who came over that border when the president was at that retard fucking, yeah, we want those takeout those three hoguars and all those fucking people. But at the same time, listen, you can't scare white people.

Right now, white people who are very nice white people. a fucking petrified and to add to this. I don't know if you read or you see it. Ice makes mistakes. Ice makes mistakes. And I'm not, you know,

I talk about this on stage as a joke. But in reality, Diaz, they got 20 of these motherfuckers and all of them are criminals. You know, I'm pulling out of my house one day. Ice pulls up.

My wife comes out and they shoot her in that. God forbid. You never dream of this shit. but it's called a potential for violence. Okay, this is a potential for violence. If Nick comes down here and threatens me, and he says, I want my $2,000, and then he pulls the fucking stick out,

and for some reason, the bat bites him in the neck, and I call the cops, they're going to arrest him for having that weapon, but through the court process, they're going to fuck with him because of potential for violence. You went down there with a stick. You wouldn't go down there with a stick

because you want to make chicken catch atori. You went down and hit him, in the head with a fucking stick. What could have happened? Now, let's say you did hit me, but I blocked it. I still got stitches or something like that. Oh, forget it. Now they're really reaming.

But what if he got a brain skull? He didn't. But let's say he did. The slips, and now you're done. Now they got you on that charge. Do you follow I'm saying to you? So it's all this shit to me was like, I don't pay attention to a lot of stuff.

I do pay attention to loss. stuff. I'm not going to lie to anybody. Like, I pay attention. Like, I can't wait for this Mangini trial to start. Oh, Mangioni? Yeah. Like, I don't care about when Johnny Depp fought the whore and she shit on his bed. That's not, that's not, that's not justice. You're going to watch this case? That's white stupidity. But I'm not, it's not like I'm going to watch it every daily, but I want to take little things. Like when O.J. killed his wife. There was nobody in the world I wanted to kill more at that time, but my wife.

Okay. So every day I watched the OJ trial, like taking notes. You know what I'm saying? Like defenses and, you know, because it had me, my feelings connected with O.J. Throughout this whole thing. Right. You couldn't talk to me about O.J. 30 years ago. after the OJ thing?

Like, all you had to say was like, Joey, what do you think about the OJ thing? He was paying $24,000 a month. If I pay you $24,000 fucking in the ass, whenever the fuck I want. That was where my man had was then. And I'm honest to say this. When I was 32, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm paying you $24,000 a month. You don't want me in the house? I don't know what type of Cuban you think you're dealing with. 24,000, I'm dropping in. I'm going to get him off you and fuck you in front of him. And then come on your face and go, cast a check next month, walk out. That's what I'm there.

But that was my, that was my mentality back then. Right. Now you look at it and you hear all the fucking things. And you know, OJ killed it. It was LAPD that fucking dropped the ball. You know what I'm saying? It was LAPD that dropped the fucking ball.

So. So why can't you wait for Mangione? I want to see how they're going to defend them. I want to see who shows up to defend them. Like the lawyer? He's not going to have a lawyer. It's going to be lawyers, plural. Who's paying for it?

Is it like a public defender? You think there's going to be like a badass lawyer? No, I haven't. People donated to him, but the same people were paying this, these people to protest. Did you see how much they're? They pay these people. They pay people to protest?

They're like, that's a real, I've heard, I heard, I thought that was a conspiracy theory. They pay people to start shit. No, they pay people to start shit. Oh, damn. It doesn't, it doesn't. Yeah. But fucking, uh, it's going to be interesting. Because you look at the defense trial and they're going to be in trial.

That's 100,000 a day. That's no fucking go fund me. I'd go fund me if they got three million. That goes in fucking two weeks. That's two weeks plus preparation plus you got to bring specialists in and where he got this 22 psychiatrists coming in, you know, because they want to hear, I want for my tooth to get filled and insurance didn't cover it. I was over my fucking, pay premium, whatever the fuck that is. What is that the, who knows? I don't know what the fucking talking about.

Okay. So, so, but because you wanted to be a lawyer. So that's why I like legal stuff every time it comes up. I like legal stuff. Yeah. To me, this was right in my alley. I got, and I'm a criminal. And I know the excuses, and I know all this shit, the police training.

After the last five or six years of the police getting attacked and all the funding police is, a lot of these departments had to do retraining on people. Stuff like this, yeah? They had to prepare for riots, which means you're going to say things to me. And I have to block them out. I have to think about my daughter or think about a fun, think about a fun time you. I don't listen I'm getting stabbed by 18 Puerto Ricans you know what fun time that I have right so but it's fucked up for the like it's the other like with ICE specifically like aren't they offering like 50

$100,000 bonuses and people are getting hired like can you imagine like if you when you were so angry if someone was offering you a good money a government job and and an extra $100,000 and you got to beat people up like that's not going to attract the best people all the time. Listen even though angry, I was a little bit on the humans. Right. Okay. It's a little bit like, listen, again, I didn't want to get into this part of it.

Okay. But while, where he'd go, if I raped somebody in Nicaragua and you're ice and you call me and go, Joy, what's the tactic? There ain't no tactic. There ain't no tactic. I want you to go through the fucking wall. I want him to have 35,000

stitches by the time he gets the fucking jail. Right. And I just slice his throat, but keep him alive. So he has to do the time all fucked up, cut his hand off, something, right? You know, you know I'm a demented motherfucker. Of course. What are we talking about?

To be honest, I'm not sure. Me neither. I forgot. Fuck it. But. Yeah, you're going through it. Yeah. It is getting crazy out there.

It's very fucking crazy out there. So you see. see this and again, I don't know, okay, we're talking about, and there's the guy that, you know, moved to Los Angeles and met Maria and she worked sewing and cleaning houses and he got a job working for a company as a janitor and things evolved. They had three kids. Then they opened up a taco place. The taco place has been open 24 years.

He's been here 38 years. and now you want to pull him out by a gun in front of his family because he's illegal. In my world, that guy made a life here. Go over to give him a summons, but don't treat that man like that. He's honestly become an American. Everybody in the record,

everybody in the neighborhood comes into C.O.Z. For a taco, every day, no matter what nationality you are. And they're, you know what I'm saying? Like, there was little things. But again, I'm not a judge. I don't know what the fuck they did. but to come into neighborhoods and pull people out of car as dog

dog it seems like a movie almost it's a movie it's just something that it's a message okay and I I love messages I love that look at these idiots in New York are calling to impeach the hot chick with the fucking earrings

yeah whatever a fucking name is that chick she's the meanest person in the world like if you fuck you hell have no fury. She'll get you somewhere, you know. But that's not the issue here. You know, these are the problems I had.

And again, I'm not blaming a political. I'm not saying that Spanish people are good or not good. I'm just giving it to you from a criminal fucking take. What I saw last week. That was number one. And number two, what was criminal last night that I saw. I went out to dinner. I came home.

My wife and I were going to. to watch something and I wanted to see the girl, Nikki. Okay. And I put the thing on. Golden Globes, thank you. And I put the fucking thing on. And I told Nick, male performer was going to come on. Best male actor. And I go, Nick, this is the best because soon, and he'll tell you, I go, it's going to be set, Rogan, because he's going to take that award. He's going to walk into the back dog and

two guys tap you and you go behind a curtain and there's a little room and there's eight fucking old school Jews with mask on one with a Hitler mask the other one with a Mussolini mask and you just know you got to bend over suck all their dicks and they're fucking in the ass with that old Jew dick and then you pull up your pants you go out there with the golden Grammy whatever the fuck it is and you're so fucking happy you know what I'm saying like and people don't know you just suck they dicks sold you so late to times to the same people Tom Cruise told to fuck themselves and eyes white shut. Oh.

He, Seth Rogan. You think it's that important? Place. There's another fucking world that loops there. I got that poor John Cena coming out with a dress that. Those Jews are cold-blooded dog. But this is not what I want to talk to you about. That has to be the name of the episode, I think.

They did something that was so, again, you could just lie to the American public so fucking long, okay? They did a Golden Globe for a fucking podcast. Who won? Which, listen, I got no beefing. But you know what? Whatever you feel about them. And again, I'm not a cheerleader for anybody.

But again, you just state the facts. You try to state the facts, and it's an opinion. on your end. I'm looking at this. And I'm like, first off, I knew who the top, who, before they named them, I knew three of the podcast that were nominated for.

Okay. Back Shepherd, the chick from the office, the blonde. Okay. And there was another one I knew, oh, the dude who's an actor. And then he became a podcaster with two other movie stars. Oh, tomorrow's. Because I read the article about his wife saying that

he'd making soon. much money now he hasn't have to act on him. He could stay home and be a dad. So I knew three of those were going to get nominated. Yeah. I didn't even know about this nomination shit. I thought it would be at least J.R.E. And

call me daddy. Call her daddy. Yeah. Or daddy was nominated. But I'm watching these guys and it's like winning defensive player of the year and Lawrence Taylor got more votes than you didn't double in you.

They got suspended for doing blow. And you got to actually go up there and go, yeah, I did it. No, you didn't do shit. Lawrence Taylor got high. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, like I felt like we know who put this blueprint together. I know who put this blueprint together. And you know what?

And I appreciate what you guys did. You guys came, took that blueprint and changed it around. The one podcast is three couches and they just sit there. one guy in the middle, and listen, it works. It's not a podcast. It's a live entertainment podcast, which we used to be. We're not live anymore. We can't smoke dope.

We can't light ourselves on fire. We can't smoke fucking hash under a pipe. They suspend you. They don't let you play the episodes. So that's been taken away from us. Again, I'm not crying. I'm trying to take the topic back to last night. But even Theo Vaughn.

even Theo fucking Von, you know, even Theo Vaughn, who I think had the best fucking last two years in podcasting, honestly. Yeah, honestly. Honestly, honest to God. He had two really good years. Forget the political people. Just he had really two years. You couldn't put them in there something.

But they decided to play like this snooty thing. And I bet Mark Rufel had a button on to, you know, He got a button for JRE, like, please, he's horrible because he hates Rogan too. Well, don't. And this is something I don't think a lot of people know. And I'm not even sure. I fully understand it. But, like, when you see someone, like, get as up for, like, I always used to see

in LA for your consideration. Don't like the studios or whatever, like, basically wine and dine and, like, campaign for their whatever to win. So, like, I bet these people probably spent money to get nominated for the Golden Globe. It's not like, it's not like there was, like, an actual team. of judges. I know you picked this up when you live there, and people don't understand this at home.

They never will, and they think that you're hating, as they call. Oh, well, Joey's hate. I'm a hateer. I ain't a nobody. I'm just stating a fact for you motherfuckers, okay? There's certain people in Hollywood, which I will not name. They gave up 10 years ago. And I'll tell you why they gave up, because every year, two people gave them a big check, not because of the talent that they were now,

but the talent they were then. Okay? Happens with me, but I'm not, I have to leave the house. The difference between my check is they got to leave the house and do something. Right. That check gets sent to the house. And in a year, we'll have a writer come to the house, and he'll figure out your story,

and that year never comes because the deal only holds you for a year. But they have to have tax write off. So they sit there on the 30th and they go, all right, pick three Spanish kids. Hmm. You don't know three Spanish kids. Oh, how about George Kaladinsky? Check it out. His mother's Panamanian.

George just qualified for $250,000. Some lady still goes, oh, my God, I love George, you know, one of those women. Right. And it gets tossed to George. and they do that with a lot of people. Now, people are going to get this the wrong way. I'm not saying this. Amy Polo does nothing wrong in Hollywood.

Her and the other chick do nothing wrong. Tina Fey. Listen, they could pull up on you, fucking shave their pussy on camera, take the joke out of their snatch, read it to you. Dog. Oh, my God. Her vagina, the way it moved. It's just to do it.

And I'm not, dog, I'm not hating it. I love those two girls. Right. But let's face it. Every project that they have now, they'll call those two first. And it's one of those things. If it goes, it goes. If it doesn't, just keep the check.

And it's like a $3 million check. They split it, you know. And there's a lot of other people like that in Hollywood. They haven't done much, but people like them, they're safe. They're not going to say nothing wrong. You know, they're not going to go up there and say something, you know, or act bad. Mm-hmm. And then you got, oh, my God, I read something a couple weeks ago with Cher called out Kristen Dunst about Dachshap.

Like, if you were, I cannot believe you're married to that fucking moron. Really? Kristen Bell, yeah. What do you know? What did Dax do to share? Huh? What did Dax do? I don't know.

But in my, I've known him for a long time. He married her, shot some steroids, and got some tattoos, and also he's the number three podcast in America. You know, I know him since Renazizi and all those guys in that show, fucking they did with Theo and all those guys. He didn't have a tattoo. He didn't have anything. He was, he looked like a fucking scarecrow.

He was so skinny, like an x-ray. All of a sudden he pops out with muscles, bigger than fucking Arnold and tattoos and a shaved head since when? When did this happen? And, you know, so we're buying, again, that's a complete different fucking argument, which we'll get into

some other time. But that's what I saw last. I listened, I turned it off. I watched, I watched the, I don't know how I watched that football game. No? We watched Landman. Okay. And Nick left and we watched Landman and we watched something else to 11, that was it.

But, you know, There's no reason for me to want. But not living there now and watching that and seeing like the jokes from last night and, you know, it's just like I see right through it now. I saw behind the curtain, been there, done this. You know, I remember living in L.N. Go, man, I wish I went to the Golden Globes. Now I'm like, thank God.

Because I would have left the press because as soon as I walk in there, they're going to let you know you don't belong here. Oh, they do. Hey, how you doing? And they're talking other people. They got sunglasses on now. You know, they're talking to directors and giggling at their jokes. So I don't need that in my life.

I'm so happy. Didn't I have to do that stuff? Yeah, that's why you got to be grateful for what you have and what you don't have. And people look at me and go, oh, Joey, you would go, trust me. I wouldn't know how to act that one of those things. If I had to sit at those tables and laugh at that shit, I'd rather be tortured in Venezuela. Okay, I'd rather you torture me to death and bow. I'll call, whatever.

Send me to Venezuela. I want to be the one of those Americans that's going to get tortured this week. Before you ever see them, they got to sit there and go. Do you think they practice? Oh, no one of those fucking fake motherfuckers, you know they're at home practicing with makeup on, makeup off. How does it look when I laugh with the earring? Should I put it in my nose? Should I put it in my eyeball to get more effect?

You know. Jesus. Like, now the comedian in me wants you to get, like, a really important acting role and, like, be forced to go. Who? You? Look, I would never go. There's no way. Like, even if it was, like, another De Niro movie and he was like...

You've been around me along. There's no more De Niro movies, and I love them. I'm a big fan. I always will be. But De Niro ain't got no movies left in them. Neither do a lot of people. Okay. So I'm okay at living in Jersey.

I'm okay. not going those things anymore. I have not heard from the girl from the Sopranos now in a year and a half. Because they invited me to four events and I showed up to not one of them. Not even,

and so they just stopped asking. I haven't heard from her. And I have to call and apologize and tell her that I was going through psychotic moments or something. I don't know if you should tell people then. I just called up. I was going through a psychotic episode.

I told my wife that one of my favorite jokes became my world. And it's not even that anymore. It's not even that. I think it's some form of negativity or something like that. Even though I read that book every January, I can't get rid of that. I'm sorry. I cannot get rid of it. I've tried.

If I could talk to somebody about it, I would. You know, Bill Hicks is my favorite joke of all time. People say marijuana makes you lazy. It doesn't. It just makes you realize what you're going to do. Ain't worth doing. And that is so true in my fucking world. And again, take the marijuana away.

Just me sitting in front of the computer with a pen and a piece of paper and I'm trying to write a joke and I'm trying to journal. And I think about, I got to get in a car now. Drive to Cliffside and fucking park. And right there, I'm done.

Right there. At seven fucking fucking, am. I'm not supposed to be there until 10. But, and I'm not even high. I'm not saying that I even get high. I'm just saying that there's days I wake up and I go, there's days I wake up and I'm going to Jiu-Jitsu.

But I'm so wired, I can't wait until 12. So I got to go box at 10. Then I'm too sore to go at 12 to fucking Jiu-N. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's some days. I'm ready to fucking go. Like, I ain't waiting until 12 to fucking do Jiu-Jitsu. I'm gonna go fucking box.

And I'll shoot down there at 9.45. So when the classes enter, I go in there. I go on the back and I do what I need to do. I talk to the fucking people for an hour. And I get the fuck out. I get my social and I get some exercise. You follow me? But there's some days, I'm like, like today?

I had service at 7.45 a.m. I slept right through that motherfucker. What service? I had to service my car. Oh, okay. I thought you were talking about, I think I'm going to church. I had to call them and lie and say, I got diarrhea last night. Oh, I love doing that.

Dog, I slept right through. I got up, I had three text messages. Mr. Diaz, we were expecting your 428, whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. I slept right through really. I got up on my wall. I ain't making that today. What was your excuse?

I call. I know the girl, the one girl in service. called her and I said it was a long week because I get a lot of people canceled them one day okay I don't feel too bad so I'm gonna put it in there next yeah I like I thought you meant like you came up with like a I had a real rough I'm so sorry my meeting's brand late and I'm talking about I'm getting into that thing again where I'm getting up early

okay then I do my shit and I got to go back to bed at 630 7 I wait for mercy to leave soon as she kisses me and we talk for two minutes game is old right there I know whether 10 o'clock is going to get canceled. I'll tell you why, because I'm going to sleep through it. Or you have to assume I'm going to get up at 9.30 and go, fuck, 10 o'clock, I'm never going to make it. Because I got a process. What's your process?

I got to drink my coffee. I got to fucking meditate. It's even after the morning process. Now, is that just because it's like something that's not that important? Because me knowing you, you don't seem like the kind of person is like, listen, no matter what it is, I have to drink my coffee. Because, like, if I wake up and I'm late, I'll just go, I don't drink coffee. But, like, out of respect from my brother, George, there was a time I'd drink the coffee. But George, he don't leave the house until he gets his coffee.

And if George could do it, so could I. And I don't do two. I do one in the morning. And then I'm good for the day. And I could sleep on that cup of coffee. I could drink a full cup of coffee. at six, and by 7.15, I got to hit the crib. Done.

Not being new time. It doesn't really fully get it. But the second one gets you? The second one, don't do dick. It could be coffee or a schnappel iced tea. I don't drink. I've started drinking espresso a little bit. I do espresso like at the shot now because I don't like coffee.

You will. You will. Not right now, but you will. You will. I didn't like it either. And one day when I was 30-some, I started drinking on a triple run. Because I had like $1.50 and coffee was free. And I'm like, I might as well see what this coffee's about and shit.

See if that shit fills you up. How much weight did you gain when he started drinking coffee? Because that's like one of the huge reasons I haven't gotten into it. Is because, yeah, the calories. Because I'm definitely putting milk in. If you drink black coffee. Oh, it tastes broke. You're good.

Black coffee is the shit. I'll tell you what else is the shit, which I haven't gotten in six years. What's that? A flat white from Starbucks. That motherfucker. That motherfucker. Remember there was like six months

you were up until three or four in the morning because you kept stopping on the way home from the comedy store? Listen. The flat white. Dog, I've been addicted to everything. I don't sit here just lay judgment because I'm some fucking kid

that went to four years of college The neural mind, no. I'll tell you about shit you haven't heard before. At my worst. Okay? Tuesdays was pizza night. I always took them with me on Tuesdays. We stopped.

We double parked. We didn't give a fuck. We went to Joe's. Yeah. Right or wrong? Once Joe's open, yeah. Wednesday was always open. So if I went to the store Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday,

my goal was to get out of there to make the midnight Starbucks. They had a Starbucks that closed at midnight Around the corner from my house A fucking drive-thru dog You get there at 10 to 12 It's a bunch of limo drivers Getting fucking gallons They're getting their cuckoolers filled

And I would sit there and get the tallest black white El Big Grande Whatever the Vente or the Trenti or something The biggest one, the Grande Monday The Grande is the smallest one But the biggest one is like 20 or 30 Yeah it was the 30 one Damn, the Trent, fuck.

I go, I'd sip the top, put the lid on it. You drink a Trent? I didn't know that. I didn't know you're drinking that. That's 30 ounces. Dog. That's three sodas. At midnight.

And I go home and put sugar. Dog, you have no idea. And then I'd be popping Xanaxes and riding and shit. And then I wake up the next morning and I order it like a boat. I ordered five. I emailed my girlfriend from high school and apologize for stealing of flowers. I'm like, what? the fuck.

Jesus, dude. I was drinking a flat white three, two nights a week and bouncing. George. George, because I was a crazy comedian, man. I want to see how many milligrams of caffeine is in this. I think so.

George, I was crazy. I was fucking crazy. And I'm eating Xanax and eating edibles, 2,000, 3,000 milligrams. I'm drinking a fucking grande at midnight. I'd be fucking bouncing, Jack.

By three in the morning, I'd be fucking starving. Starving. I'd eat. Guys, you had no idea what I wanted to. You have no idea. Nobody else. I'm not even looking at the calories. They're saying it's at least

300 milligrams of caffeine, and it says Trenta, flat whites are usually made with espresso shots in smaller quantities, so Trenta would require many extra shots significantly boosting caffeine. That's, yeah. and I'm not just drinking fucking expressals that flat white at midnight

I'm going home to rock okay yeah why would you bring yourself all the way up with the coffees and then all when they down with the Xanax because I convinced myself that it would help me ride or be like Henry Carrowack or one of those fucking people

I don't know why I don't know why Lee I'm fucking crazy so I would call you when I got home with the 12 wedding what he's doing well I'm sitting here hi ha ha ha ha ha ha I'd hang up on. And then I drink a couple of sips of coffee

and I go into the fucking backroom and start with the fucking pipe. And I was this crazy guys. In those days, like I had good edibles, but George would bring me this. I would get so hungry that I would eat the edibles as like a fucking... I used to blow my mind when you would do that.

I would eat like a bag of 800. They had like 800 milligrams or something. It was a whole bag. I would eat the whole thing at two in the morning, guys. And then to fall asleep, I'd pop fucking three or four Xanaxes. One every ten minutes, the little footballs. And I'd sit there like fucking, you know, I'd crawl into bed at night and I don't know.

And then I'd wake up, dog it before. But this is for somebody who gets up at lunch or two. That didn't happen in my world. I woke up at seven. So that first hour, do you know what I was in? Hell. You don't know where you're at. You just walk on.

Terry would talk to me and I'd go, not now. And I just get a cup of coffee and I drink like, in those days, I would drink two cups of American coffee, black with sweetener, and I would pop two expressos for breakfast, maybe three. Damn. That was my morning before I went in a shower. Then I'd do all the meth, metter than I do in the back, smoking, token, and then I fucking come out

eat breakfast, and I'd hit that fucking thing again. I was unstoppable. That's right. I wasn't lying on Theo's podcast. Somebody was going to die. I didn't cancel this podcast because I was moving. I canceled this podcast because either you or I were going to die. That is, from the bottom of my heart,

and I was not going to go to Boston and tell John Lane, you fucking die. I'd fucking eating fucking 2,800 milligrams, and you went home, made a milkshake and had fucking other shit in it. I just refused, and I knew it was going to happen. When you're us old and you've seen how life works, you see it coming.

You see it coming. Lee, we did ketamine at the end. A little. I would never, in my whole life, even go, you bring that in here, you give it to me, but please don't give it to Lee. I was like, give it to Lee. I watched Lee.

I made sure he didn't do the amounts I was doing. But I'm like, give it to Lee, because we're getting fucked up. Whatever you show up with. It was before we knew. Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't even until today. I don't care if it's hot.

If you got a lollipop, give me two. I want a droolip. I'm at an age where I want to drool now. Enough with the fucking bullshit or whatever. I barely did any. Like, I honestly didn't. Because you told the story on, I think it was on Rogan, and I think they did a cartoon about it.

And, like, you said you got fucked up. I barely, I honestly don't. It's like the first time you smoke weed when nothing really happens. It, like, it felt a little weird, I guess, but I didn't, like, I didn't have any of, like, the hallucinations or stuff that you did. Of what? When, with the ketamine? Oh, no, no.

I didn't have the hallucinations until I started watching the TV show, my wife, and the black guy's head started going up and down, up and down. That's all the hallucination. I didn't have any of those. I was fucking sweating. It was not good. But no, no, I'm lying to you. When I put my left foot out of the car, when I got to the garage and I'm like,

what the fuck? I'll never forget opening up my car door, like really slowly, and then putting my foot down, and my foot wouldn't stop. Oh, that happened to me at that, cousins. My foot wouldn't stop. Wouldn't stop.

I'm like, when is it going to hit land? And it finally hit land, and I'm like, I don't even forget. Should I step? And I'm looking around. I'm looking around in my yard. It's fucking 12 at 15 at night. Right.

And I'm looking around and shit. I closed the door. I'm stumbling. There was no fucking joke. When I got in my room, hours fucked up. I had to take my shirt off. Fucking get water.

And she's up. 365 days. I get home, she passed out at 9.30, 10. This night I walk in at midnight. And there she is. Hi, honey. I waited up for you. You mother.

And I'm sitting in my office sweating. Guys, it's coming out of my palms. I remember touching like the computer and it wouldn't click because my fingers, I was fucking dying. And I finally go, you know what? Let me go out there before she comes in here. I sat next to her.

She's watching True. What? No. The one about every season, they put two new cops on there. They did one with Woody Arrows. Oh. Whatever.

That's called. And it was a season with the black dude from Green Book. Right. And the white dude from Blade. Okay. Yeah. No, it's a good series. It's not Fargo, is it?

No, I know. True crime? True crime. Something like that. Whatever the fuck it is. And that was the night. I had to tell her, you got to take this off. And she's like, what's going on with you?

I got to take this off. I love doing that. The fucking black dude's head keeps getting bigger and bigger. Holy shit. But back to what I was. was saying again I don't want anybody at home to think I'm talking from Haiti I'm not I just thought that I don't know I don't even know why they have a podcast category I mean listen if you think I'm sitting here going we should have gotten nominated no we should know there's no way

we've gotten some nominations listen not not not for not on the golden globes no no I don't want to even go there right now I just want to have fun that's what I'm talking about right but craziest episodes you know I don't even think half the people got nominated We're like, what's this shit about? Like, I need this in my life, man. And yeah, their numbers will go up today, maybe a little bit, you know, more fucking people. Oh, and they'll make more money. It's for Gentiles.

Yeah, it's for Gentiles. It's Gentiles are going to buy, right? Oh, it's so, the conversation is so erotic, whatever the fuck they say. But it's, like, I had to talk with some people today about this. And I'm not taking those are great podcasts. They get millions of listeners. so they're doing a great job. But it's just different than when I fell in love with podcasts

and found you in the podcast that we had, when you listen to these podcasts, like they're scripted, there's meetings, there's teams of people. The podcasts that we had were just really fun and just hanging out. And it's, like, there was no editing. It was posted within hours of it going, of it being recorded. It was like a real,

I really kind of like zoom into like our lives. And that's why like I fell in love with podcast. That's what the early Rogans were like. The early Rogans were the most fun I'd ever heard. Like when like the fleshlight days of that podcast, when you guys didn't even really understand what was happening. Like when I found you, those were the most, you're listening to it like what the fuck is happening?

Like people are allowed to say this shit. people are allowed to, and it was so funny and so unique. And now it's like, like, you've been saying for a while there's going to be something new after podcast, and there will be, because a lot of this stuff is now it's sort of like just very generic now. Listen, man. A couple weeks ago, we were fucking around here. And we sat around and we watched old podcast, like us with Theo, I think.

Right. Ralphie. I'm going to tell you guys something right off the back. Listen. A lot of people went to acting class. A lot of people took drama in high school. For me, this was fucking going into something with your eyes closed, you know?

And to scroll through the channels at night and see the longest yard every night, you know, it was on BET. Like, come on, man. Like, they have it everywhere. CNN. it everywhere. Okay. I was very lucky and fortunate.

And thank God I had balls. Thank God I was comfortable with the people I was around. And the other than I watched Grudge match. It's been on Paramount Plus lately on the... Yeah, it's been on like 10 times. And I turned it on when he walks in. And he goes, are you my coach? It looks like you ate my coach and all that shit.

I looked at that and I'm like, okay, I can live with that, you know? And then I watched, like, the Ari Shapir things. And there's like two of those. And I look at and go, holy fuck. I was on a different fucking level. People will never understand what level I was on those two nights. Those two nights were about a story and me making Ari proud.

Because Ari fought hard to get me in front of Comedy Central. So it was about more than anybody thought. And I look at those two things now. I go, wow, I really enjoy those two. Like, that's good work. But when I left here that Monday night after watching our podcast, that was a rough ride home. Like I was like, we didn't have a clue of what we were doing.

Like, there wasn't a clue. We just got two microphones, three microphones, and decided, Lee, we're going to get high every night. That's going to be our approach. I think you decided that. So we can't take it no more. And it got, and it just took off. I was thinking about the time we went to San Diego

when they gave us the bag of cookies. And you were like, wait a second. You took those cookies from me. You don't even know them. And I'm like, listen, they're going to get us fucked up, you know. Like, just, there was so many things that I don't, I'm so old, I fucking forget them. But some night, somebody's going to say,

come and tell us about, and you got to tell them about the night, we got so high, we got the same. and Diego we got lost. Oh, dude. And that's the night we pulled over. And I said something to you about when a chick sucks your dick, you have to make them suck your dick and swallow. And then you have to punch them in the stomach and make them puke to come.

It was like a sex move. Oh, my God. And we were fucking, like I was almost dying. Like, these are things that it was like, I have stories about Seattle, being an open micer, not having any money, getting 50 bucks and going to, McSorley and whatever that fucking place is

where we used to go get the happy hour in Seattle living on Mark Madison's floor and his dog with shit. You know, these are all part of stand-up. But I could say that I did the same because when we started podcasting, it was a hundred an episode. It was the sex people, right?

Maybe we had an Eve. Adam and Eve. But all those, dog, I was thinking about the time we were driving and then we were in four or five traffic and also the guy comes up and he's got a patch on his eyes. That's the best Instagram I've ever had.

Oh my fucking God. And this is what... I was writing in my journal the internet when I was talking about how I fucked up. And I go, you know what? To live life is to learn life. It used to be nothing happens on that fucking couch. Right?

Well, we fucking moved it up in 2020. Okay. To live life. Like, to live life. live fucking life is to learn. It's not all going to be good. It's everything. Listen, I wish.

I wrote a joke. No, you're going to write shit, Joey. You're going to write shit as a comic. But if you don't try this shit, like, think about that. Think about, we'll do a whole podcast of it in a year. Think about our first two years. Nobody, three years, 2012, to 2015.

Nobody doing, there was a year. I was reading ads. Like, they would go like, the ads for a sneaker plus are 2-1, 2-4, and 2-8. I'd read them every day.

You know what it is to do an ad and then go, you're not getting paid for that. You learn. That's how you learn when you take money out of your pocket. You don't learn by making money. You do learn,

but you learn more by cutting a picture short. And now you got to go back and break the fucking frame. You learn for the next time. I don't know what was going on. The lighting, you know, but to live life is to learn. And guess what? There's going to be more fuck-ups than what there is going to be.

I did it. You know what I'm saying? Like, we did it. No. But that podcast thing, I got to tap you in the back. And that's why I got to apologize to you. And that's why I got to be grateful that we got to do that. Anybody did stand up.

We did stand up and, you know, I know what it is to fucking sleep on George's couch and my ass cracker sticking out. Those are the poor days. And we had those. But for podcasting, dog, we were doing live podcast. Nobody ever did a live podcast. We did hundreds of live podcasts. And especially, it's not like we have like the current event podcast.

We were doing, we were going live getting fucked up. Fucked up. Eating edibles in front of the audience, throwing edibles for the audience. We started with those fucking things from Denver. Remember they gave me a fucking shit, a suitcase. Of what? What genitals? The fucking ones I used to fuck with you with.

Oh, the Cheeba Chewish. I went to Denver to do a festival, dog. And these motherfuckers call my hotel room. They're like, Joey, we're here from Cheeba Chooze. We have something for you. I thought they had like a baggie. They gave me a fucking duffel bag. With all sizes.

And I'm like, done. What I want to do it now? Take it back. I had to check it in the next day. They're like, what's in there? Batteries. Oh my God. So that's what started the podcast.

That's what started the podcast. Jesus Christ. That bag was there for us to eat. That was a big bag, apparently. And then we just, we were doing this Sunday. And listen, podcast on Sunday, you were hung over until Tuesday. Yeah. At least.

And then you were hung over till Tuesday. And we recorded, just when you got your wits up, I call them up at three. Take your vitamins leave. Why? What are we doing? What ain't we doing? Three o'clock. The call started at six o'clock.

Yeah, what are we doing something? You used to wake me up with a picture of your shit at like seven in the morning. That would be the president immediately followed by a call. What do you think of that? And then it was like in the beginning, dude, my pay people in my life would be like, what do you guys talk about? Because you would call me between seven and four probably 15 times.

Yeah, 10, 15. And like they wouldn't last more than 30 seconds It wasn't like a long talk But you would have like one thing You don't want it to say Or a check in or a My favorite were like 10.30 in the morning Like you know what?

We're going to take it easy tonight. No edible tonight. All right. 1045. Yeah, no edibles tonight. 2 o'clock. You should see what I got for us tonight. Like it was every time

You would always say it's not going to happen And then it always They were like It was very imprompt to? It was completely, listen, I learned it from even Joe. I went up to do Joe's, and they didn't tell me not to talk about anything. They said, let it go. Let it go. And I remember doing that podcast with Felicia, which I really like, but she wasn't letting me go. She was trying to keep it, you know, and I got it, but I was just steaming. I'm like, I can't keep doing this.

And I told the story about lighting the hook around fire and all that shit. And she did not like it, though. She did not like you. First of all, not the hooker, her wig. A wig on fire. That's a very different story. You let her go, you're letting a hook her on fire. I might be on Felicia's side. I remember a lot of things about life, like saying something and the look on somebody's face. The look on her face, dog, I wish I had a camera. Because I was just rapping the way I am with Lee. Fuck yeah. And all of a sudden I look over to see what she's doing. And she had tears in her eyes and the mouth was open and I'm like, oh my God.

I had to wrap it up and she's like, Joey, that's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. And I'm like, hey, you know what I'm saying? Holy shit. Yeah, but it's like people, I don't think people, would you tell that story now? Like, if you hadn't told that story,

you might, but I don't think a lot of people would. And a lot of people were telling stories like that or, you know. I believe my logic was this. A friend of mine in Hollywood, in L.A. When I first got there, I had like a website. I've never told this story.

Maybe I told the variation on it. One night, thank you, brother. We were taught, we had become friends in the whole thing, and it was about comedy and life or something. I still remember the kid's name, but I'm not going to say it because he lost his mind and moved to some other fucking state. I haven't seen him in like 20 years,

but the kid became tied to comedy store. This was the first thing I ever did, guys. It wasn't positive. I did an interview with the guy. He took some pictures of me. You know, he asked me, were you from North Bergen? You know, he didn't know I was from North Bergen.

He didn't know what North Bergen was from. What North Bergen was. He had no idea. I don't know where he was from, but he knew nothing about New Jersey. And we start talking, and all of a sudden, Thank you for interviewing me.

I'm excited. I'm green as fuck at the Comedy Store. And this guy wants to interview me about my journey with comedy the last eight years. Well, he put it up. And that web was popular back then. Like 98, 99, around there, 2000. And I see him on there. He goes, can I talk to you for a second?

And I go, what's out? He's like, listen, man, I put a thousand comics on that. This is before Longish Yard. This is before basketball. It was before any of that shit. It was around basketball. And he goes, I put that thing up of you.

And people had, like, some comments. But you piss them, people off. Huh. It was like your first thing. I never heard about this. I was just thinking about it. That's what got me a little confused at first. Because I was already paranoid about going to L.A.

CBS reached out. And then I thought about Tim Allen. But he got arrested, but now he's on Disney. So at least if they come after me for a police record, I could always say, what about Tim Allen? Big complete differences. But I tried to get my, anyway. And I go, what do you mean?

My cops? And he goes, no. I got one from a guy in Boulder who said not to trust you. And I got a guy from somebody you grew up with in New Jersey who said you were really bad news. or something else, something, like it was something else. And I remember looking at him going, interesting. Not mad at anybody.

I mean, yeah, I was watching The Longest Yard, and I was thinking about when Adam called me in his office at Sony. And he goes, I don't know who you pissed off, but read this. And he gave me a letter. And it was like, dear Mr. Adam, you made a bad choice with, Joey Diaz. Jesus. He's not Italian.

Uh, and I saw all those 20 names that wrote it. I never said nothing to none of them except the one of them. Oh, you knew them? I knew them from auditions. Oh, shit, it was the other actors. And these were all the guys that had eaten their lunches at different auditions. There was a time when those Italian auditions would come out,

and I'd walk in there with a pep in my fucking step. like a black dude, like a limp, like, yeah. And they'd say, what the, and then I'd talk Spanish in front of them to really piss them off. And then I'd book the fucking job. And then I'd see him two weeks later, and they'd go, you booked that fucking job. Don't they know you're Spanish?

And I'd go, here comes to hate. There were 20 fucking names on that. Longest yard list of people saying that I wasn't fucking Italian. That, bro. That's the mind of the, the minute human being that he's going to go, well, he got it.

I'm fucking really Italian. I'm, uh, do truce. What is that? Well, they're always neapolitan. They always got to tell you where they're from. Oh,

you're a real retard. All right. I know. You know, I would give us so much money to be able to see Adams' reaction to that letter. Like that moment.

He goes, look and read this. But my point is that before, when I got that podcast, Me and Felicia were experimenting. And as I was doing that podcast with Felicia, I knew this was going to be a podcast.

This was going to be my HBO boxing. HBO after dark, like they show this fucking dude and he's killing people. Then they go to his house and he's got cats. He's got daughters. And he's making him Farina for breakfast. And he's putting bows in their hair. Meanwhile, you hated this guy.

You just saw him. And that's human nature. People are going to look at you and go, I don't like this guy. But then you're going to hear something about him. Either you're going to hate him more or go, fuck, I didn't know. Let me check into this guy. He's a human being. He's not the monster that they're portraying you to be.

So we started doing the podcast. In the beginning, it was about me getting my criminal stories out there so they couldn't come back to me later. Get him out. Why are we fighting? Even drop the names. Not of everybody, but drop some names. So you know they're talking about it.

Get them out. Get them out. Before somebody goes, hey, when we were kids, he robbed the jewelry store. That, da, da, da, da, that. Episode 54. Sorry, now I know who you are. Now you made yourself look bad. Already talked about that in episode 54.

But by the second year, it became something else that podcast. It became the education of Lee. So through my stories, Lee would listen and sit there with his jaw drop. You guys really, like when I was driving up 88th Street, and I swear to God, by that park, by the mouth, I still remember, till this day, it was a Friday, about 9.45 at night,

and there was a car that didn't even park right. In the mouth of that park, like, I'm just going out on a Friday night. I'm walking up that hill, and I'm looking, and there's a car that's parked this way. Okay? And it was the all four doors were open, and everybody about that car was eating. And I go, guys, what's going on here?

And I, you know, I remember their faces, but I remember their names. They go, what's going on? They're like, re-robbed the Chinese delivery dude. This is his car. Go come get some food. And I'm over there eating low main with them and shit. I'm like, how'd you do it? And they're like, oh, we fucking wait to the delivery guy, the Wing Fung.

Or they robbed some guy. I mean, they robbed a fucking Chinese delivery guy, dog. They took the car, the cash, and the food. one of those crazy motherfuckers from Midey Street Park who would believe that? Who would fucking believe that? I just drove past it and I was giggling to myself going

oh my God I saw the fucking wire by Ligio's house the other day but when I got stuck on it I told you the story with the snow it's still fucking there my van got caught and I'm over there smoke's coming out of the tires and shit so I wanted to get it out before I did get a TV show and some motherfucker goes,

go to CHR, and I go to HR and they're like, hey, man, we're going to have to scrap you off the show. Some guy said you kidnapped him 30 years ago and you went to prison. I got it out there. It started becoming that I go to auditions and people would sell me.

Tell us how you kidnapped that dude. That's it. I got this role. They know me. They got referred by somebody who heard that story and said, you know what, give them a second chance. So that was the point in that first podcast.

And they grew from that. That's why when you see these 28-year-olds, we raised those motherfuckers. We did things that their parents couldn't do. Their dads couldn't do. The dad's absent. They're fucking, the uncle he went to jail. I got a thousand of those emails.

I got a thousand. Whenever I find my Gmail, there's 200,000, like, sent. I don't even know how to get in there. There's people crying, and listen, I didn't even know how to steal a car, thank you, you know, shit like that. But that was the point of that podcast. It was the education of Lee, not by me schooling them, but by me saying something going,

so how did you rob the guy's house? You know, well, me and George pulled up. George told me where the guy lived. I kicked down the door and I got the speakers and a Social Security check for 200 bucks or an unemployment check for 200 bucks. That's what happened. And Lee would sit there. I guarantee the first three months, he went home,

and he's like, these stories can't be fucking happening. They can't happen. This is ridiculous. And then other comics will come on, and we'd talk, and they'd Ralphie Mae, and he'd talk about Veneery or Hashways or, you know. Well, you meet, way before the podcast even started, you took me here. Wait, like, it was one of the first things we did. I met George, like, you took me here.

And, like, we spent close to a year together before, the podcast, or a little, actually a little over a year, because before the podcast started. So it wasn't, it would have been completely different if you hired me as like a producer or something for the, like, just to go into that first day, would have been fucked up. Could you imagine?

Let me just hide. I don't know what I was doing. So how was I going to give you a job? Listen, I never forget when we picked them up at Times Square and I almost killed them. We gave him a joint when he got in the car. What do I do? What do I do?

Smoke the fucking joint. And people going, hey, Lee and Johnson. Joey and we're like, get out of the fucking way. No, dude, I remember so, first of all, you were already in New York. Right. And then...

I was a George, and me and me and George went and picked you up on 40 seconds. You were trying to convince me that, like, I took, like, an air train or something from JFK. I had my shit. I was like 22, 23. I had...

You called me the director from Israel. I was never a director of anything. I was... I editor, but we rented gear. I had all this shit with me. I somehow got to Times Square, which by now thinking about, I don't know how I did that. And like, it's not like you pulled over to like this side of the street and like had your blinkers on waiting for me.

Like you were like, I think I was like the crosswalk while the left hit. Yeah, well, like the left hand turn thing was going. And then as I got it, I like jumped in like it was like a heist. But the cool thing that I should, I wish I had recorded was it wasn't Joey and Lee because we didn't know the podcast. We gave him the joint. It was always like a homeless black dude or something like in like bumper to bumper bumper traffic in Times Square. And we were smoking a joint and he just smelled it or something, walked up

and you handed it to him. And I just handled it so. Yeah. And you're like, do you have that? And the next thing we're in North Bergen and he goes, do we need permits? We're not bargain. I go, just don't walk around with that camera. Yeah. And within minutes. Hey, what are you doing with that fucking camera in my neighborhood? We're like, I told you. Lee, I had the fucking camera.

We went downtown. Yeah, and then we went to the flower shop. Yeah, we went to the lunatic came down. He was just doing meth and shit. I'll do a flower arrangement for you. Where are you guys from? You know, the whole fucking deal. I forgot about that.

But this was, it was two guys that I thought he knew what he was doing. And he basically thought I knew what I was doing. And I was just riding him like, we started with little videos. You started with a bloggy. A bloggy? I still have that thing. It doesn't work, but I won't throw it. away. Oh, it doesn't work? It was like a

it was like a U.S.D video camera. Do they really? Let's go. But it's completely different. It's a brand new one, yeah. But I know that they're going to make one soon that you could do a podcast. Oh, I'm sure. And just take the tape out and send it to somebody in podcasts. Because that was the bloggy. That was just us making 30-second videos or whatever video. It was the Mad Flavors World videos. You were just record, way before we did anything, you would just record yourself throughout the week and then it was like a camera that had like a

retractable USB thing and I was just taking it to my computer and I would combine like you would the shit you would have was fuck it was just you were like with your cats beeping at people there was someone you would just drive around beeping at people but I'm gonna tell you the truth about that just so the audience knows how fucking crazy I am George has always known I'm fucking retarded

but guess where I got that first bloggy. I know exactly where you got it. Who? Gabriel Galetis. For Christmas. No, I think, actually, I think it was something different. It was for a stand-up revolution.

The stand-up revolution. And I looked at that camera and I go, this kid's worth, if he, I'm going to do something good with this camera. This is a gift from Gabriel with his luck on it. I go, this is Gabriel's luck on this camera. I got to do something good with this camera. and we met and next thing you know we started doing those mad flavor worlds

but that was the formula do you remember the first video we put up other than the one we shot we put up a stand-up video from the Jews no the ice house where are you talking about the the jumba juice guy that oh my god that's right that's when my my brain was blown because I started your YouTube channel

and we you had this clip we shot a video with your cat with Skinny Finney. And then you had this clip from the Ice House with this hysterical. And I just kept looking at the number of people watching it. I was blowing up. It was started from, you know, I think about the grassroots. You know, the big question with comedians constantly is, how did you start selling tickets? Okay.

you started as going on Instagram and putting interesting pictures of yourself. I started three or four different things. Again, if I tell you, I didn't know what I was, I didn't know shit. I was just trying to stay alive. But the three things I was doing was contributing to it.

One, and I've told you for two years, my room and bray. Mm-hmm. My room and prayer was big. I call that guy once a year on the holidays and New Year's. He's in North Carolina. He's running a club down there, not a comedy club. That dude told me, taught me how to have patience and sell tickets in the room

without me even knowing it. And then I did a few things and it proved what he was saying. I stuck with it. And then what we were doing with the camera, the YouTube, it's not just one thing you're feeding them. It's, you have to overwhelm them at first. That's exactly what we did. Then we put out a CD.

So now we had them at every level without knowing. Without, you know, again. Oh, yeah, it was the CD. No, no, no, no. We had no fucking idea. What did I tell you on the drive down there? I had no material. Which is crazy.

I go, we're just going to riff today. But Brea, the videos, twoon with Rogan. And by the way, that CD went number of, one. That wasn't just people don't, and that's why I want to do a CD, but not to be number one, but just like

it wasn't like everyone was doing a special. That's, everyone was, there were people putting out specials, like audio CDs. I didn't want to do it. I wanted people to listen again. I always think till this day we've forgotten the gift of listening. Of putting on a radio, you know, when we were growing

up, if I went, you always saw pictures of people sitting around a radio, listen to a Yankee game, or listening to the green horn or whatever the fuck they played, you know, the one with, uh, they took over the world and they tricked everybody, wore the worlds with whatever, you know,

that was interesting to me. And I wanted to bring people back to listening because people gave up on listening. I did for a while. And my life was ruined. Ruined. We listen and we just keep plowing. Listen to what that motherfucker is saying.

And get a read from him. For years, we don't listen. We just want to talk shit. And sometimes you got to fucking listen and go, oh, shit. I was thinking about something the other day about one of those, don't go down there stories. I went down there. I was a kid, one of those.

And I didn't know. We told you not to go down there. Yeah, but I wanted a fucking soda. There's a thousand bodegas. Don't go down there. And you went to that one. You know, so some people don't even have a motive. They don't even, I don't think this thing.

tell somebody why. But I know myself that I wasn't listen. And when you're a stand-up, you don't listen. When you're a stand-up, you're Marlon Brando. Let them talk. Let them talk.

When I go to a green room, let them talk. You're just sitting there fucking listen. Let them, even if you know the subject, even if you know they're wrong let them talk and eventually they're fucking just it's like anything else

if I'm on top of you you're going to keep trying to get out from the bottom I'm just going to let you move I'm just going to move with you I'm not even going to put weight on you and after a minute you're going to drop your arms now I really got you because you're tired as a comic you have to listen to the audience

and it's funny because you're on stage listening to the audience and try to listen to you your brain feed you the jokes and keeping them in order. This is not for everybody. This is not for everybody. But you're kind of blowing my mind. What do you mean listen to the audience?

Bug size, reliefs. Ha! Oh, oh my God, I can't believe he said that. Those little things that you don't hear and you're not supposed to hear, but you being the bad motherfucker that you are, you hear. I'm very deaf. And I have selective hearing. Okay?

Because I know the deafness, I can't listen to everything. I can't listen to everybody. So if I'm here and you guys are having two conversations and we're having a conversation and Mike Chicks over there, I got to do selective hearing. Who's having the best conversation here? Who's talking about this? Who's talking about it?

And then I learned when I went to restaurants, people throwing things down. I learned how to listen to the original room. But some reason, that room taught me how to hear a mouse. on stage. You're on top of everybody, like right there. You're here, but you're on top of everybody everywhere. It's 170 seats.

So think about it. It's 170 seats. But something about that room made me a listener again. For years when I went to, got locked up, all those people would say, you don't listen. You're not listening to what I'm... You listen, but you went off the rampage.

And that's what I wanted to get back. That's when I became a better comic. When I started listening to the audience, different breeds, different yells, different, you know, when they're laughing. How long are they laughing? You know, you know, listen. Yeah, so I just learned from Buffalo. Ha, ha, ha. Now you have them on this tuning, right?

Right. Right. Yeah. Hooha. I want to get them little volcanoes, but for longer. So instead of going, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, you're a fucking amateur. That's how you know. You're an amateur.

You have to go in there and get them like, I want to see a black guy fall off his chair. How do you make a black guy fall off his chair? You walk out there and attack them. Fuck racism Listen you black motherfucker It's lonely Negro night tonight You showed up Boom he's laughing

Because he's loving it You're giving him attention I've never seen you open like that Oh But yeah no I mean it's It's really cool Because that's what I think

The difference is Between like me and like I got a like Even one of our friend Jerry Rocha The first time I opened for him He had me open for him. And he's been doing it for a while

but he's not super well known. He had a special when it was great. It was great comedian. And I was so blown away the difference in the love of his laughs for like the when I, I was just in front of that audience and I was getting laughs and then I heard the level of it and I was like those are the same people laughing so much louder. You know, you just fucking know. Yeah. Like you just know and you start to

go, oh my God, they're laughing differently. What am I doing differently? Yeah. Listen, man, we got to get the fuck out of here. But I'll tell you this, and I tell people all the time, you have stand-up. After you're doing stand-up six, seven, eight years, you have it. You have the basics. And you have all the tools to become a great stand-up, whatever the fuck that is.

It's just tweaking 200 tweaks. That's a lot of fucking tweaks to tweak. You know what I'm saying? that's a lot of tweaking. When I look at you and I go, I got to remember to smile in that joke. I got to remember

to breathe on that joke. I got to remember to pause and look at my pants. I got to remember to shake my dick on that joke. I got to remember all these tweaks for it to be a perfect fucking set.

And every night you go up there and you count and you go, fuck, honey, I did 160 tweaks. Nick, I did 140 tonight. George, I did 128. Then also I get one night when I dog, we did 168. That's 40 better than two nights ago. And then one night unexpectedly, I get all 200 tweaks right.

Because I didn't try to correct them all at once. I took care of them once at a time. And where did I learn that from? Playing basketball as a kid. We picked up bad habits. My bad habit was rebounding. I was a great rebounder. But what did I do, George?

Put the ball down. Bro, I had coaches fucking put me in a dark room for a week. And I couldn't break the habit. What a fucking awful habit to break. And once you break that habit, you become that much better. And that's all stand-up is, is little tweaks, your jokes. For me, it's my writing. It's a thousand things.

Sometimes I come out too high energy, my voice. You know, you have so many things going on. So you have to tweak them all together. You're not going to, you know, I bought a 1965 car. My grandmother left me $75,000 and I'm going to fix this fucking car. Okay? I'm not going to fix the car one piece of the time. I'll bring it upstairs to Bruno and let him fix this.

But not just fix it. Let's make this so it doesn't break again. It's a 1967 car, you know, and that stand-up. Weaking little things over time. Some take a week. some take three months Hey folks how you doing How many people drove out here tonight

What the fuck? How many times bleak? Stop, stop asking the question That question up front determines whether you're an amateur Or pro Yeah, you ban me from asking questions Just that little question Yeah

How many people like to get tied up during sex? What are you going to get? Woo! Two fucking chicks to the fucking alcoholics. Don't ask them, tell them. In fact, when you're up there Just go listen to this chick. I could tell her she likes to get

tied up. Whoa! Okay, I got a reaction from him. Okay. Never go. Because as soon as you ask a question, you're weak. You just lost the battle. They smell it. That's it. You're not jaws no more. You're a little fucking bubble guppy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. No, you've, you've, you cut like 20 minutes of my act really, like last year. Like, you just can't do this whole chunk of jokes. And it worked. Yeah, it did work. But it was like... And it was very like, hey, Lee. Oh my God. I let me come here for that joke and Lee fucking said fine he didn't argue because he knew he fucking knew he knew you're with this fucking chick a year and you're still talking about stepkids let me kick you in the stomach on how they kicked him when he was fat they already

know you're fat right they see you why are you telling me that you're fat there's all those little fucking tweaks. I've been in 35 years. I make more mistakes than you do. All right? I have made so many mistakes. I am fundamentally so unsound for me to tell you this, but I can look at somebody and go like my stepdad. Hey, can me, can I talk to you about something? One of my friends told me you smoked by. I'll never forget when he told me this, like on Hudson Avenue.

One of my dear friends told me you smoked by. I hope it's not true, especially the family that you have, as of today, you stop smoking pot. I remember looking at him going, you got to give me time. You know what I'm saying? You know, don't you know about rehabs in the world? But in his world, it's over now.

It's over now. That's it. Why even think about it? And he was so right. And that's what it is with stand-up. I love certain jokes. And I'll keep doing them because I'm weak. Because, but then one day you go,

I'm not doing that joke, no. I'm not doing it. Why? You know what, man? I just don't want to do it no more. It's time to move the fuck on. We're like fucking with our jokes. We're like our girlfriends. We don't want to let those old bitches go. She kicks me. She takes my money. She fucks me in the ass. She hits me with a stick. But I love her. What the fuck? Let that joke go.

Right. So it's the same thing. Where are you going to be this week, Tarzan? This week I'll be at St. Mark's Comedy Club on Tuesday. I'll be at the comedy shop on Wednesday. And that's it. And just around New York this week. All right. You know what's the people know? I just did. All right, but no.

Put them up on Instagram so they know. They want to know. It'll be up on Instagram this weekend and have nothing booked, but I'm always around the comedy shop. And I'm hanging out at St. Mark's a lot more now. And then next week I'm in Batavia with Joshua. All right. We'll burn next week when it comes.

Well, he kept out as I thought it was done earlier. Batavia is next week. Why confuse them? Now they go to the website. That's next week, then they'll forget to get tickets because you let the cat out of that. Anyway. I'm going to be at the Dojo Wednesday night for the best of. I might stop in an open mic this week.

I had a lot of fun, man. I told you, I went to an open mic, and it was a lot different. And it just reminded you. I think every comic should go to one of those every once in a while as a reminder of what it's become, what your life has become, and how much fun it used to be. You could go up there, say whatever you, want, drink what you want, fuck a waitress, get VD, and come back next week to get the number

three spot. You know what I'm saying? Like when life was simple, you're doing comedy, you got to get up for a day job, you know, it is what it is, but that's real comedy. They're showing up there for not $1 at 10 o'clock at night. So it shows you the other side of the character of the comedian, which is nice. I still got it. but that level to sign up and all that.

You look at that now and go, oh, thank God I got over there. It's like getting fucking herpes. Once you get it, you're like, ooh, I'll never get that again. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black. And what else?

I love you. All right. Love you. Bye.