Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Tough as nails

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

Joey Diaz discovers you can get ice cream delivered, gets his prescription updates on Instagram, explains why he likes bar shows, and why he wants to get an office above a funeral home. New DraftKings customers get $200 in bonus bets when you bet just 5 bucks. Just download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code JOEY Support the show and get your new Mint Mobile 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/DIAZ The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's up buddy? What's up you bad motherfuckers? How you doing pal? It's a beautiful Monday, Tuesday, whatever. Everybody's looking good, looking healthy. What's up Lee? I'm doing good, but I'm already high. You're already high too.

What do you think? Special me too there, Baklava Brett. And I got to introduce the fucking fucking the check-in tonight check a look at this this is the spray I was telling you about. Oh shit look at it. How many milligrams is it per squirt or whatever. It don't matter Jesus beautiful. I love I love like just the idea of you walking down this breeze like like you're spraying but not

Telling you people have no idea you can spray them in their eyes. They could spray in the ears I sprayed in my cat's ears. He hasn't stopped eating for two days. You know, I Can't even imagine if like you like instead of like pepper spray people used weed spray? Yeah, but one good is that they're just gonna be happy and run away. This is I want a pepper spray You say you fucking scratch your eyeball out relax You're trying to make a comparison between apples and you just said you were spraying people Yeah, but to get high not to fucking for them to scratch an itch and. Well, I'm trying to think of like a positive, you're not really supposed to spray people with drugs.

So I was trying to think of like a positive way. I'm like, pepper, it could be pepper spray. It depends who it is. Some people like to get sprayed by drugs, Lee. Just relax, all right? Some people like to wake up every morning and walk up through a cloud of cocaine. I know 2,000 people, if that's their dream dream every morning just to get up and walk through a fucking cloud and be high for like

19 hours till they drop dead. Some people want to walk into a cloud of smoke. Some people want to walk into a, you know, everybody's got their own fucking dilemmas. I know. And you can tell who these people are who want to get some. You can tell them they got a limp. They're not. You know, they're just doing things. I love you. I had a great weekend, great week. Last week, you know, I feel good. I'm gonna go meet the girls for vacation tomorrow. Oh yeah, you excited?

Yeah, I'm fucking excited. I'm gonna sit by the beach. I got a vacation tomorrow. Oh, yeah. You excited? Yeah, I'm **** excited. I'm gonna sit by the beach. I got 19 different types of weed. I got ABX Edibles and I got my **** in, you know. Oh, Jesus. Ah. I feel like you're gonna go through a bottle by the end of the show. It's called Liquid Dabs. Oh, good, that's what you wanna take, unlimited spray. After about 10 of them, you get fucked up. You drop a couple mushroom grams at this,

forget about it. You're sitting in your car listening to fucking Black Hole Son over, over, over, over again. That's a good night right there. And look, what are you gonna, are you gonna do this at the beach? Do you what? You're gonna get high like what's your trick for getting high at the beach? I'm gonna smoke a big fat joint, take some edibles and then when I get there to maintain I'll spray this shit in my eyeballs

every 20 to 30 minutes and turn over. Turn over and bake. I'm gonna even use this as a suntan lotion. Turn over and bake. I'm gonna even use this as sun tan lotion. I'm gonna like- Oh, probably would seep in, yeah. Seeps in, let the sun bake it into you, forget about it. I'll be fucking positive for about a year and a half. If a little puppy comes up to me and the beach is gonna die that little cocksucker.

Would you ever spray it in like food or something? I don't know, Lee. Why spray it in food when I can spray it under my tongue and it's a direct connection? I don't know Lee. Why spray it in food when I can spray it in my under my tongue and it's a direct connection? I don't know. What's going on with you? You getting ready for flights of steps up and down or what? Oh jeez. I think you go to start and end every call with it's not like what do you think is gonna happen on these four blades? I'm gonna hate it. I'm not I'm not lying You're not looking forward to that but like you fuck off every day Well, you know anything that goes to stairs if you ain't it going in How's it gonna be after 90 days cuz I love the apartment and I'm excited about New York and I'm not gonna be there

Yeah, all right. Wait, wait, I'm not gonna be there. Where you gonna be? Oh I would hopefully hopefully I'll be doing shows Wait, I'm not gonna be there. Where you gonna be? I would, hopefully. Hopefully I'll be doing shows. You're not gonna be there, so what are you gonna, how are you gonna get down to the first floor? I'm gonna just throw myself down the stairs.

What are you, I'm just gonna walk down the stairs? The down is not what I'm worried about. The up is what I'm worried about. Oh yeah. Down's a breeze. Down you like jog a little bit, it's fun, but up is nice. Right, you're gonna have 12 flights little bit. It's fun, but 12 flights a day. That's if you go down three times, which I don't think you'll do that I need to go down three times you go down twice, huh?

You know me maybe twice like before I leave for shows. I'll go grab something to eat Maybe but I why am I going down who leaves the house that often? You never know you might forget batteries, you know I'm gonna I'm gonna be u Uber Eats is number one customer for sure. Yeah, Uber Eats After a while nobody's gonna want to deliver to you. They're not there for flaws. There's a guaranteed 20 I ain't going up there you can come let's hope they'll do they'll leave the food downstairs I'm sure they will did I ever tell you that I got like a pizza place when I was in college called me and told me that they couldn't deliver to me anymore? Why?

Because I found a deal online where we spent like 10 bucks. I gave you a free small like a like a personal pizza. And so I would order a chicken sandwich and a soda and it would give me a free pizza. And they called me when they because I ordered it fucking like two, three times a week probably. And they called me one day like, I ordered it fucking like two, three times a week probably. And they called me one day like, dude you gotta order more. We can't keep coming down. That's what these, I couldn't call in because I wasn't gonna spend more.

That's all I needed. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. About three months ago, I did the worst thing ever. I stopped with Mike. She kept telling me about Dairy Queen. Okay.

It's on Route 9 by Amboy. It is a fucking dive, that place. I mean, the guy had like a cross-eye, the chick had a mustache. It's like a circus that broke down and went to work in there. Filthy and the fucking, while I was dead, they had a line just for people to pick up ice cream.

So you're telling me if I call Uber Eats and go, listen, I want a pineapple Sunday from Dairy Queen, they'll deliver it. Well, they smile. Not even not a service chart. Like there's a service. Oh yeah. That's probably going to cost you like double what it would, but

it isn't there a minimum. Sometimes, but if they, if you don't go to a minimum, they'll just get like, give you like a $5 fee. But I think you can go. I, I, to me, I've never gotten ice cream delivered just because I'd be pissed that it'd be melted but you can I think I'm almost positive you can listen I don't want to get it there never mind get it delivered they might have Carvel they might have Carvel and Uber Eats. I don't want Carvel either. Who gets fucking

ice cream delivered to the house unless you're in a fucking wheelchair, okay? The least you could do is a fat fuck and go down and get it go for a ride Smells get some air get bit in the neck by a vampire whatever the fuck it is, but it's better who the fuck Sends out for a dessert. I mean, you know, I can see the Nero sent out for two pieces of sushi one time He sent this assistant down there like 10 o'clock at night. No cocktail a Certain cocktail. I'm not that fucking crazy No, but people do it all the time. Like people order. I'm always in like amazed by coffee like that. I

Wouldn't I don't know it just seems like a like a crazy thing to order to yourself people order everything You know what's crazy. I love the Starbucks by my house. Look right? It's my favorite I go in and get the green tea almost every fucking day Even though I can make ten gallons for four bucks. I like the girls. I like the people in there. They're very nice But I go to the drive-thru. OK. What am I going to get out for? I go to the drive-thru. I'm just getting fucking tea. I don't sweeten it or nothing.

It's just plain green tea. I like it. But I'll tell you when it's scary. When a fucking person, and it's usually a chubby lady, in a nice car, when she has the app, she shows it to him, that's when I'm like, there's going to be 18 minutes. And then you see it. You can fucking see like the cups just coming into the car, like four trays of four fucking chocolate milk or whatever the fuck they putting it more sugar. You don't use the app and Starbucks to get the points?

No. Do you use points anywhere? I get points everywhere. But do you actually ever use them? DraftKings gives me a ton of points. I just get $200 or something like that. Well, with DraftKings, it makes a lot of sense. I thought for you, I was surprised that you use points in any of these stores.

There's a store called Coles Okay. that I really enjoy. It's like a fucking, because they make you feel like family. Because I like, my wife got me a fucking suit there and I almost killed her, but the suit is fucking nice.

Like for what, you know, I don't wear a suit, so I don't give a fuck, but that place always makes me feel like family because they always give me something That's nice. What are they giving you up in there? You got a coupon for something eight dollars off 30% listen, they don't even wait for your fucking birthday. They hit you up on February 1st and go happy birthday motherfucker Here's a coupon for 50% off. Listen, it just makes you feel better 50% off. Listen, it just makes you feel better when you feel appreciated. And in this society, businesses don't give a fuck anymore. The airlines, nobody gives a fuck. So when you got one person

that really, you know, the places where between you and and I I get fucking hit up once a week with numbers People offer me money to talk about their restaurant on Rogan Jesus or to come in and make a video. I mean people you don't even want to know the office You know and I laugh at them because if I needed the money I could just ask Joe I would never just put a t-shirt on and go on Joe and you know, right? Joe who give fuck if I call Joe and job in a wear a t-shirt for 25 grand. I gotta do a commercial Or you can give me the 25 grand Joe give me 50 to shut my fucking mouth That's why I like Joe, but I would never ask him for that. I'm just saying right you've got the offers

You know people always go come into the restaurant eat. So what do you think? I'm gonna give you a review after the first fucking time I can't that's not fair to you. That's not fair to the fucking restaurant What if I come in one night and the mexican burnt himself? And the assistant mexican is fucking getting his cousin on the border You know when that happens? Yeah, and now the main chef ain the border. You know, you when that happens? Yeah. And now the main chef ain't there. You know, it's just.

I like there's a restaurant I go to all the time. OK, it's my go to Austria. I don't go there every day. But when I want a meal, like a fucking meal with no problems, I go there and pay the extra dough. Do you think I go there because of the food? No. No. I go there because of the owners, Steve and Angelo. They're the type of Italians I

grew up with, that when you walk in the house, you got to eat something. And if you don't like what they got, they'll cook something for you. They don't even care if you have money, those guys. They'll say, you hungry? They'll just ask you, what do you want? He told me next time I come in, he's gonna make me a fried Diablo. I went in there about two weeks ago and I got on a Friday night. It was the best thing I ever fucking tasted in my life with Bukatini noodles.

Nice. Thicker with the hole in the middle. So it was the sauce, oh, bucatini, something like that. I'm not fucking, I don't know. With fradiella? Yeah, bucatini type pasta. But the point is that they always, I've never, they've never asked me.

I always go in there and take pictures of the food and post them because I know what I'm putting up there is fucking 100 but that chicken parmesan is so fucking good Side dish angel hair pasta with garlic and oil. They have so many they're caesar salads Ah this fucking world. Is it is that the place that has like the huge dishes too? Or am I thinking of a different place? It's not the place where you thought your hands were the lobster tails No, no, no, no, not that place. It was the Italian place. So like even mercy gets like us Spaghetti and meatballs with like a sausage, but it's like each dish Sunday sauce. Yeah. Yeah, that's Austria. Yeah, it's like just huge

I go to chill a carile therapy because they're the sweetest people in the world When I call the girl she's like, would you like us to turn this on? Yeah, you know I go to a gym that the people are nice as hell I train with a guy that the people are nice as hell. I go to jiu-jitsu Where if you ever heard the story, he kept telling me, just come in. The brown belt, Sean, my brother, kept saying, come in, come in, you don't even need money. Just come in and move around, you're an old guy.

Shit like that. That's great from a business owner. We don't, there's not a lot of people that do that anymore. No. There's not a lot of people that do that, that go out of their way. You know, I bump into a lot of people that I go, wow, I wish I loved my job as much as they did.

I love when that happens. It really like will make your day. Like even if you go to like someplace where they shouldn't love their job and they love it, that's my favorite. Like when they're just crazy. Okay, let me try this. And you're like, wait a second, I thought you were on the clock.

And they're like, no, my next appointment is in two hours. Don't worry about it. And you're like, wow, those are people who really enjoy what they do. And I bumped into a lot of them here, like for certain different things. And my family, like, you know, I don't need to take pictures with them. I don't need to talk, you know, I'll tell people about it. But it's so weird how people will contact me and go come to the restaurant, have a meal.

And if you can't talk about it, you know? And I'm like, oh, I'm not a fucking food critic. When I go somewhere and I like something, Lee, and you've been with me, we've go to a couple of places and go, holy shit, this is fucking good. The people are cool. I'm in. I'm all in. I'll never go anywhere else again. Isn't it also kind of disrespectful to email? Everyone knows you and Joe are friends. It would be kind of shitty of you to accept that. people do not think at all people do not care

In today's world people are not concerned with other people You know when I make a left turn and there's a light it's about to turn fucking red I fly through there because I want to make the fucking light. I don't want to sit there like a goddamn penguin I'm always thinking about the guy behind me. But if that light turns green and you're at the left and you're looking at your phone, you only got 30 seconds at that fucking light. Oh, it does mean that.

Yeah, and then the guy behind him is two car lengths behind, you know. When I'm on that line, I'm looking at that light and I got my foot in the pedal ready to step on that motherfucker like a cockroach, you know what I'm saying? the pedal ready to step on that motherfucker like a cockroach. You know what I'm saying? I'm ready to step on that pedal. Look at the drag racing.

Yeah, yeah, I'm ready to go because I want the guy behind me to make the fucking light. People don't do that no more. People, I went to a place a couple days ago. What's in your salad, man? I went to a place a couple days ago. What's in your salad, ma'am? Lettuce, tomato, onion, and cucumber. I said, can I get that with no cucumber?

And are they cherry tomatoes or the big tomatoes? She goes, big tomatoes. I go, then the cherry tomatoes, don't bring them. She came back with blue cheese dressing, cucumber, celery, fucking carrots on the salad. That's why they're wrong. Arrows are cucumbers. You don't even say nothing no more

because this happens constantly. Constantly. It happened to me today. I was calling to get internet in New York and I was like, hey man, I have a place in math I'm keeping the service on. I need to add service in New York. And he literally said to me, he said, oh, I'm really confused. So you want to transfer your service from math to New York?

I said, no. He said, I'm going to have to transfer your service from mass to New York said no is I'm gonna have to transfer you Like he couldn't handle just adding another internet I Thought it was just fucked up. I think a lot of people are fucked up at work now. I Don't think they just fucked up. I think they're hiring the bottom of the barrel Dog my local CBS. I love that motherfucker But there's like two people working there that should not be working there.

There's a chick that works nights and every time I go in there, you could smell the vodka. Oh, no. And she always forgets shit. I always get my 40% off coupon. She forgets it. It's a fucking nightmare. I go in there a couple days a week. I get you know milk Whatever something I got the protein shit there. I get Band-aids from my ears I get fucking

Nicorette, you know, but I wait till I get the coupon and I go to Nick correct, you know, Nick corrects expensive But I get a 40% off coupon. I go in Nick corrects expensive but I get a 40% off coupon I go in and get everything this chick will tell me the coupons in there and then not hit the ticket oh no and I'm like what the you know and it's just and there's no way this woman would have got hired anywhere except somewhere where you couldn't see you know what it we need to hire people just put them in the back yeah we'll find something for like she's one of those people that would where you couldn't see, you know when they used to hire people and just put them in the back? We'll find something for them. Like she's one of those people that would have been in the back.

And will you ever go in and leave because she's the only cashier? Nah, there's an Indian dude that I didn't like at first, but that motherfucker is solid, cool, but they must have moved him to a different fucking store. They had a gay manager for a while. He got sick. The AIDS backfired and he fucking, he hasn't come back. Now they got a sweet black dude. It's always something. And then the other CBS I go to pick up my medication. These motherfuckers are like, you know, but there's a kid there, my man, Asian Alex.

That's a bad Is he a pharmacist or where's Asian Alex work he's like a tech oh And he's cool cool as a motherfucker. He'll hit me up tell me I got medicated with me on Instagram I don't give a fuck and then I bring him a little a little gift to make him a little lighter on his feet at work. You got a prescription ready on Instagram. What's that? That's so crazy to get that on Instagram. No, me dog. I love it.

Get this thing started. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. what's happening you savages it's Tuesday the 27th of August The check-in is brought to you by on it. Listen for all your supplements You gotta go to honor the alpha brain the shroom tech the shroom tech immune But listen the reason why I'm here today for honor this On it is releasing the new Joe Rogan kettlebell. It's 55 pounds 25 kilos or kilograms I don't know. I'm not good at math and it's only on sale from August 19th to September 1st

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let's get this checking started. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey can do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church! the Hey

I had to do that video my friend's kid and I'm also excited about football season. You know I'm saying I can't wait. Yeah preseason is over I think and now it's time to get down. Don't we have to wait two weeks? Yeah, it's two weeks So it's not the fucking next weekend. It's a week after that tonight. I think Yeah, two weeks Nah, you're as tough as fucking nails. You know what I'm saying? You gotta smoke some weed, you're moving. By the time you move, football season

will be in full fucking stretch. Oh, if there's any New England people in New York and they do like a New England bar to watch the Patriots on Sunday, let me know. Yeah, let them know. So you can make sure it's a Raider boss when he walks in and beat the fuck out of them. God damn it.

They had it in the. Yeah, they damn it. They had it in the. Yeah, they had that. They had it in LA, but God. That's who you wanna walk around New York in a New England shirt, or you need to shoot. No, I'm not gonna wear the shirt. Yeah, you are. I know you are.

No, I'm gonna hide those. I'm gonna hide those like I'm. Five acts of shirt dragging on the floor. Five acts. Kwame with a hot dog in your hand, and your other hand is sticky. You don't wanna do that. All right, this ain hand is sticky. You don't want to do that. All right.

This ain't the town. You're 36 years old. It's over. It's over. I can't watch the games anymore? Watch the game. Put a bed in and go do your thing. But you're not going to sit at a bar with a bunch of other New England people with open

towels to the head. Why am I supposed to make friends in this town? Why? Aren't I supposed to make friends? Go to fucking comedy clubs. I'm going to, but the games are like one o'clock. That's okay. We're not good.

Our game is gonna be over by four o'clock. I can take a nap before my sets. Let's stop right there. You ain't walking four flights down those stairs to go watch a football game. So knock it off. I'm gonna have to. I'm not gonna live out there like a man, Frank.

Yeah, you are. I did gonna have to, I'm not gonna live up there like a man frightened. Yeah, you are. I did it when the elevator would break. When I lived in Hollywood, you wouldn't see me for days. Well, you had the elevator as an option. There's never gonna be an elevator in my building. Well, you know, I didn't make that mistake, cuck sucker. Good apartment, I'll make a video. I made a one on Instagram, but I'll make it

once I fill it up. I'm excited about it. I can't wait to live in New York. Make a video of I made a one on Instagram, but I'll make it once I fill it up I'm excited about I can't wait to live in New York make a video. I get scared. I don't know what's going on I see a big head in a little space. I don't know what's happening What do you want me to do about my head? My head's always been big That's why I don't become a tranny cuz my head's too fucking big. That's the only reason why. Yeah, no. But you know, you become a woman, you got the size of a head of fucking lurch. It's very tough to make that sale. You know what I'm saying? Yeah!

I didn't know that was the only reason holding you back. And look at these gorilla hands. And what when they see my fungi toenail? That's a dead giveaway. I could never transition. I got the fungi toenail. What chick, what 60 year old chick do you see with 50 pound feet and fucking fucked up toenails? Nobody, so relax.

If you wanted to, you could, you'd look beautiful. Listen, let's get off this conversation because you're starting to talk shit here. I'm not gonna fuck it I gotta take a shot to kill a guy in my body Really? Yeah, I gotta take like a fucking two shot deal and it zaps me out for a few days This shit is deep. So it's like even though it's on your toenail. It's in your body. It's in my bloodstream I didn't know that okay this nail I could cut it chop it This shit is deep. This fungus. Even though it's on your toenail, it's in your body? It's in my bloodstream. I didn't know that. Okay.

I could cut this nail. I could cut it, chop it. It'll still have the fungus in my body. You have to kill the yeast in your body. All the fungus. Listen, who the fuck knows anymore? That's crazy. Are you going to miss your fungi toenail?

Because I feel like you like it now. Well, it's a hobby. It became my hobby. Some people collect stamps. I like cutting my nail buffing it Niffin it bacon with it putting the nettables for you to eat, you know, I know I know of eating it before smoked it at least But that's that's what are you gonna do these shots? I'm not I don't know. Why are we talking about shots? Anyway, what's going on with comedy check? It's supposed to be the Comedy Check

and then my fungi tail checking, all right? It's going, I had a really fun, I had a show in Maine on Saturday and it was like really exactly the show I was looking to do. It's like a cool group of guys called like the Comedy Mill up there and they had 80 people at a bar and it was awesome. Like it was awesome.

Like it was just, I love doing shows like that. And like they were just like there, like you can make fun of them a little bit. And it was a cool, it was fun. Like it was, you know, it's a two hour drive back and forth. I just felt like the stories that you guys have told on the podcast. You know, bar shows can be very good. Yeah.

When I was starting out, like my third or fourth year, my friend Jimmy in Denver, he knew how to put together a bar show. And they would be quiet. The only problem you ever have in a bar show is you can't turn the TV off during a nugget game. And in any city, in a Laker, you you can't do it if you go to one of Gabe one of the Spanish rooms and and

You know off the five They won't do comedy when the Lakers are on on the Dodgers. Yeah, of course, but there's one room that sticks out in my mind There was a kid who did a room like on the Wyoming border kid who did a room like on the Wyoming border. This kid, you know, I talked about him before on the podcast. He helped me a lot with comedy. He knew like he would go to these shitty small towns and rent a barn and put 500 chairs in there and take his chances and he'd get 600 people on a Saturday night. They have nothing else to do but bowl and listen to country music at a bar. I love those shows. Right now, they're my favorite. I love because they're there to laugh.

Not always, but I usually have a pretty good show. They're just there to have fun. The problem with a bar is you have people that are not there to see comedy. Well, this one was cool Was it up in like a private space just like that if they had a real stage and everything like that And need some way in the back where people aren't gonna fuck where your waitress has come a security guy to keep it quiet You know, I saw something I saw somebody put a video up a couple days ago of a comic on a ship getting attacked I saw that and I never heard about that. I thought the security was great on A ship but the problem on a ship is they're drinking all fucking day

Oh, yeah, they're drinking all day for multiple days and like a security can be great, but they're never like right on top of the stage but like she shouldn't have ever got up there, but yeah, I don't know if it was a girl or a guy. Yeah. It's just crazy that on a ship, you know, I heard it at bar shows, like people getting crazy. I used to love those fucking things. I used to love those fucking things. You know, it shows so crazy how, and I hate to say this because I'm not, I'm very grateful

for everything, but sometimes your career gets in the way of just wanting to be a regular comic sometimes. Going to a bar show without people bothering me. I get off stage. I got to meet the chef now. And I just want to go do the fucking show and giggle, laugh and focus on that. People really cannot deal with that anymore. What do you mean?

You know, when you, when I go see a band I Don't want to talk to them before or after the show. I don't want to do nothing with these fucking guys The only thing I want if I go see a band is to get my fucking hand knocked off And if I go see a comic I want the comic to knock my fucking socks off That's it. I don't expect anything else from that comic. I paid $30. I want the comic to knock my fucking socks off. That's it. I don't expect anything else from that comic. I paid $30. I want to laugh.

I want the date or the friend I bring with me to laugh his ass off. And now we got something to talk about in the diner. You know, maybe we'll see a chick pass out drunk and they have to carry her out and we'll remember the memory forever. That's as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, listen, when I think of concerts,

I think about the girl that passed out, like that was all excited, got to the concert and passed out because her adrenaline just gave up at the concert. She's here, she's been excited all day and she's been drinking, but the adrenaline's been fucking keeping her sober. Once she gets to the show, boom, and she goes down. When I went to the concert with Bill Burr and Dean Delray to see Guns N' Roses, I go,

here we go. And I told Bill, I go, look at this chick over here. This is not going to be good. How often would you see a girl pass out at a concert? Like every concert? Nah. Like one out of four concerts, there's always that one girl or one guy that they just fucking pass out and people are stepping on them. And that's gotta suck because if

you brought that person to the concert, now you gotta kind of feel responsible for them. But at the same time you're like, you know what fuck this bitch. He knew the consequences Passed out just like we're getting too fucked up. They would just pass out dog when I did 420 in columbus In the middle of k quigley show the fucking guy passed out. He had like a a stroke And then I come into the middle of the fucking floor Pull him out and his friends were like, see you. Have a good trip to the hospital.

We ain't going with you. They stayed for the show? Yeah. That's hysterical. I wonder if they're still friends. Hell no. But who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? The three people had a good time. The other guy went to amateur time. He was on amateur bill and he fucking went

and the edibles backfired with the whiskey and he was all fucked up. That's great, and alcohol is crazy. Is your gig still on this Friday? Cause one of my friends is going to see you. We'll see, so as of right now, I'm gonna be at Ronnie's on Friday at 7.30. I'd love for you guys to come as far as I know.

We'll find out tomorrow, I think. I'll post it. I'll let her know. Thank you. Yeah, you get a little fucking people already starting to know who Lisa Yates is and shit. It's exciting. I'm very excited to do Ronnie's. I have shows in Boston at NYX September 6th and September 7th.

Don't worry about September 6th and 7th, just worry about this weekend. Let's focus on Rodney's. I'm focused. And what are you going to say and what are you going to do? I'm excited. Okay. I am. Yeah, it should be fun. It's fun doing 45 minutes.

I've only done it it 10 to 15 times. I'm probably won't do 45. I'll probably do 30 minutes. Listen, I got to show you something. I got this on Friday. I'm going to be one of the judges at the fucking 420 Expo Cannabis Cup. Nice. We'll be out of town for the event,

but I'm gonna smoke all these weeds and then I gotta fucking send them the thing and vote on them. There's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. All right, I got five here. Oh, there's 10 altogether. 10 strains? 10 strains, and I give you a little squeeze,

but I don't even know what this is for. When you get so high. And what do you do with it? Focus on it, I don't know. Who plays with a ball when they're high? So what are you looking for? Like, does it tell you what, and I don't know if you can read it or not,

if you're not allowed to, but like, what are the, what are you looking for? Like, they didn't tell you what, like, and I don't know if you can read it or not, if you're not allowed to, but like, what are the, what are you like, what are you looking for, say the best one? They sent me 10 of them. They're Indica's, they know I like Indica's, and it's like, strange from anywhere from 26% to about 31. Wow.

But I also got some Obama weed, this weed that's Obama, and he's giving everybody the finger. Oh my god. It's tremendous. I Haven't smoked the weed yet. I haven't even broke the bag cuz the bag is so fucking cool. It's a picture of Trump I'm sorry. Not it's a picture of Trump fucking Obama. That's I How did you confuse those guys? I was gonna how did you confuse those guys? So they give you ten strains and then they give you like a card you have to mark them down Oh, yeah, but I don't know if you're like looking at like taste or like taste Yeah, I haven't looked at what the criteria is what they're looking for me I'm just looking to see if I see the devil

The problem is I got to try those for breakfast because I can't smoke different strains throughout the day Mike bong has to be clean for breakfast and I got to get the most nutrients out of that bud if I take two hits and I go upstairs and I jump in the shower and I got overwhelming anxiety that's the weed you want dog because if I get that type of anxiety in the morning whoo what it'll do to a regular human being there was something I smoked last week when I had to walk up the stairs slowly I couldn't breathe I couldn't think it was like fucking this is what you're looking for like this is like the best weed

I want something to fucking knock me out in the morning for me to go hmm I'm not doing that today I'm not doing that either fuck that I'm not driving up there they could sit there with smokes send smoke signals for all I give a fuck is that why you don't go like going places yeah cuz I smoke in the mornings and that clears up the day. You know what? I got eight things on my schedule. There's only one thing I need to do, and that's workout.

And fuck the rest. And fuck. Today I had 1,000 things to do, and I still, I went to boxing today. And it was fantastic. I got my fucking sweat on. I couldn't breathe. Like what kind of, your regular boxing? Yeah

I went at two o'clock today. I was at the bag. I hit the sticks I threw weights around with my hands three minute rounds eight rounds. Fuck That's it. How long have you been doing that? Maybe six weeks That's pretty cool. I thought about doing that. Yeah, it's a great program over there. Listen, man, I'm like half retired now. I'm gonna try to get a residency this fall. I really appreciate what you said to me

a couple of weeks ago about, cause now I consider myself 61 years young. And I didn't say this to me. I didn't think of this to be honest with you. Somebody told me at Jiu Jitsu, I was talking to them and they're like, Doug, look at you. You're 61 years young. You still come in here, you're still moving around, you do the best you can. That's all.

That's it. I still eat my edibles. I ate that whole fucking ounce of mushrooms in two weeks. You do put yourself through different trials that no one asks you to, like with the drugs. I ate that whole fucking ounce of mushrooms in two weeks. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk gummies with it smoking at night listen man at night I get bored but I'm better if I get high and I read a little bit I try to write some stupid jokes you know but what are you gonna eight milligrams of mushrooms or eight grams of mushrooms yeah you know me I can go deep into the hemisphere with anybody it's over I'm 61 the fucking the lever has broken

But you're saying like you don't feel as old anymore like you feel like you can definitely can do it again What's that you just said like you just said you were? I'm like what we talked about a couple weeks ago that I changed your outlook on things. It's negative when I say I'm 61 years old It's negative talk. Mm-hmm, and I'm 61 years young. it's negative talk. And I'm 61 years young. I still got a heart of a fucking savage. You know, I still remember things. I forget a lot of things, but I remember things. And listen, man, if you stop using it,

you lose it altogether. You're moving to New York, that gave me a little energy. I'm grateful to you. And let's roll up our sleeves and get to work. But you're excited about it's at its football season. The playoffs are starting soon. Let me take a couple seconds here and read them a little thing from DraftKings. I'll be right back. All right, guys. I'm talking to you this week about DraftKings. Listen, last week was just

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You actually we were just talking about draft kings Had a good call. I went to the washington game the nationals game and you're like hey put a bet in and put a bet on Uh, like a home run future and I think was Aaron Judge from the Yankees. I bet him Friday and Shatani on Friday and they both hit home runs. Oh nice. But I didn't parlay. I'm like a lie to you and tell you I did but I didn't. It was my first time ever being in like a suite at a baseball game.

It was pretty cool. How was the food? The food was pretty good. They did have crab cakes but the crab cakes then looked a baseball game. It was pretty cool. How was the food? The food was pretty good. They did have crab cakes, but the crab cakes then looked a little weird. But like the hot dog was cool. But like, it was like the only bummer was I was at work. So like I couldn't, I would never bring any weed

to anything like that. But they had peanuts, which were cool. Peanuts? Yeah, that's my favorite part about a baseball game. You don't like peanuts? I like peanuts, Lee, but it's a booth. I didn't throw it. I put it on a plate.

I wasn't an animal. Cocktails. I had to wear a polo. It was a work thing. They didn't know they didn't have some hot dogs. They had some meat. That was pretty good. But the best part was they had a dessert cart, which went around.

What did you eat? I had a brownie with a huh? What did you know that I do? That's like if it was my sweet like if I was ever rich enough to have Red Sox sweet tickets I would go crazy on it. But like in front of people at work. I'm not gonna go I wanted to get more things. I got a good brownie with a scuba ice cream But what what else did they have on the car? Oh, they had like four different cakes I wanted to get more things. I got a good brownie with a scuba ice cream. But what else did they have on the cart? They had like four different cakes.

They had like a rainbow cake, which I don't even know what flavor it was, but it just looked cool. They had like a carrot cake. They had a bunch of cookies. They had shots on top. That was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Shots?

Yeah. Dude, that was... Oh, shots of alcohol. Yeah. The whole thing, like a work event is like, I've never drank more in a week than at work meetings. It was crazy. It was fun. The conference was fun.

And you learned a couple things about podcasts that we're about to use. Yeah. It's interesting to see from the business side of it. It was cool to see. We're talking with people all over the country and it's just fun. It was cool to meet them in person. It's more of just reaffirming stuff like you've been saying for a while about a lot of stuff. It's crazy.

I had to make a tough decision last week. Well, I knew it was coming for a while and it breaks my heart. I was with them for 12 years. I was with them for longer than Mercy's been born. I had to let my agency go and go to a new agency. It took me five days to get rid of them. I really wanted to think about it, my next move. And you don't like burning bridges, but sometimes they're a great agency. The problem was I was there a long time. And when you're with an agent a long time,

sometimes they just get very passive. They let things go by, you'll get the next one. And when you sign with an agent, they're very aggressive for 90 days. Got it. Okay. Very interesting to see what the rest of the year will bring. I mean, I auditioned a bunch of times, couldn't book a fucking thing, not even a pin, nothing. So you know, did it bother me? Yes and no, because I usually book at high percentages

to go 0 and 9, 0 and 10 is just a fucking, you know, it's unbelievable. But, you know, you being here, me being a little looser the last couple months and not uptight about a lot of things. You know, listen, I'm settling in. I'm really settling in to who I am and who I became now. You know, I'm leaving tomorrow. I don't have to be down there for two or three days, but I'm leaving tomorrow. I miss the girls. They're brought up to life. You know, I spent the whole summer with that little girl this summer. So it's very rough for me. I'm not playing bocce tomorrow night. No, you're winning your head out.

I'm going to probably go to Jiu Jitsu and then get the fuck out of here right from Jiu Jitsu. Come home, wash my pussy. I have my bags packed, the sleep apnea machine and pail. That's awesome. And then I come back Saturday, give you two days till Tuesday. And Tuesday in my mind the rat race starts, it won't to the following week. Who got sunburned, who got bit by a jellyfish, you know, there's always some fucking excuse. But I'm excited and I call it the last quarter. You were like, no, that starts in October. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, nah.

We start last quarter in the middle of the third quarter, which is middle of September. But we show up a little earlier to warm up and make sure we're in stride in October. Why roll up your sleeves in October where you're gonna not get things going to November? Then it's fucking Thanksgiving. You got to bury September because if you don't bury October, once that last kid not, well,

that's one good thing. You ain't going to have no Halloween kids at the house. And in New York, yeah. But once that last kid drops, knocks on the door and you come downstairs. They're putting Thanksgiving ads Yeah, oh, yeah But they're always you're planning like it's always it's funny the nest is that Thanksgiving is over. It's Christmas now And they are legit and you're like, I'm gonna get this job. No, you're not they're fucking on break. They're done for the year They're fucking jumping up and down eating candy canes and you're sitting at home telling your mom i'm not going to cosco i'm gonna get this job as a fucking

Electrical engineer go to cosco you haven't heard from them. It's three months No, I want to start 2025 as an engineer You know, it gets real and people have no idea How real it gets I fucking people have no idea how real it gets I fucking went through 20 Christmases when I couldn't rub two sticks to put together Show up at somebody's house with a handshake Yenna Shit fucking shoplift Christmas toys one year

Damn, I got sick and tired of it man Finally, you're like, you know what? I don't even give a fuck about the rest of the year I just want my Christmas to be like regular people and Have a little money and be able to eat a dinner and be able to buy a dinner and be able to you know Not think about stupid shit over the holidays because you do It's pressure God's not It's pressure. God forbid you get a girlfriend in October. Now you got to figure out what to get her. They're looking for a ring after two months, a jewelry. You're thinking of

buying them to share a CD. It never ends. It's tough. I remember my first birthday in LA was pretty lonely. Like it's like, those events can be tough, especially if you're without people. Yeah, but we got each other here. I'm excited. Family, you got George up north. Oh, I know way more people than in this year. I'm so, I'm excited to be there.

Yeah, you're not like alone in the area. No. Either dinner, you just jump on a train, you know, whatever. So all that stuff helps. You know, today it was funny when I went to box, the boxing coach asked me at the end of the session, he goes, Joey, why do you come here? I told him, I said, you know, when you get until you're

older, you get lonely. And I got a kid and a wife and sometimes I'm like, I'm fucking lonely, you know, because you don't have the amount of people around you like you used to. Right. And that's what I do. I go to those classes so I could have physical contact

with people, jujitsu, boxing. When I go to the one gym, there's a few people. When I go to the other guy, it's just me and him. That's okay, but not really. I wanna be around people and talk to them. And then after class, you talk a little bit. And I told them that, you know, first of all, I like doing something.

I always gotta do something. Go for a walk, shoot darts. I gotta do something to burn calories every day. And I like to mix it up. I don't want to do something every fucking day. But I think it brings me peace when I do that. This brings me a little peace that I didn't have in LA. I was trying to get it, but I couldn't.

Now I'm at more peace. So I'm happy I made the decision I did with the agency. I'm happy that I'm going to do some shows. I'm happy that you get to do them with me, wherever the residency is, you know, all my friends, because I want to make it an event. I'd be honored, buddy. R.E., Aaron Berg, Rich Voss, you know, go somewhere, you know, listen, I don't want to get dancing girls. I don't wanna get dancing girls.

I don't wanna get girls to show their asses. I don't wanna do that bullshit. I just wanna put something fun together, even for the comics, like what Sam does at the store, he has food for them and weed and CBD and a girl giving massages in the back and people, sneaker companies are there and It's an event for everybody. I think that's what's lacking with comedy

Kill Tony really opened my eyes to where comedy is going now What do you think it's going? I think it's gonna be more than event. That's it People are sick and tired of seeing three dogs, you know two guys Every fucking Friday, you know, it's got to be something something something that's That's what makes kill Tony and a lot of those podcasts spectacular that it's something Different every week, you know, I can't wait to get an office with you to fucking burn it down Oh, yeah, Jesus Christ. They're gonna have no idea what's next to them. No, I'm trying to get this funeral parlor to rent me their upstairs What does it always have to be at a funeral parlor because this place is perfect?

No, it's not it's quiet. I guess yeah, it's quiet the body You you have a door you have a side door It's like going into a building with a side door you walk up the stairs It's where the chick that used to cut the dead people's hair lived. Oh, good. Good. Good.

Good. Didn't mean it. We're going to be in her bedroom. Where the dead ladies? But she moved out. She got married or something. Congratulations. The apartment's been open so I keep asking them.

And I love to get a... Can it be anywhere else? Why does it have to be in the... Because who wants to have a studio? Nobody else. Just that gives it the fucking intrigue that they're gonna get haunted or something like that. No one wants to be haunted. I want to go as high as fuck. And there's gonna be ghosts around. It's perfect. We're not gonna get a fucking office on an office building, you know.

So we gotta get an office like outside or you know, we want to get the party started, put fucking acid on ice cubes again and shit like that. Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't think we're putting ass on ice cubes. Yeah, we're doing whatever. That's it. You're a lone wolf. You're living in New York, and you're living by the seat of your fucking pants. Now you want to live controlled?

Well, I don't know. When have I ever been controlled here? That's what I'm saying. Well, not here. We're going to go off when you move here. Remember. Jesus Christ. The fuck we're gonna go off when you move here remember The fuck we're talking about here can't wait can't wait for what to move Jesus stop spraying that thing Puffles under your tongue. That's where you get the live resin

Holy shit, I Did have a quick question for you because something was bothering me Alright, have you like what do you think about when like a like a straight couple calls them like themselves partners? What like you like a younger part like I've noticed like a lot of 20 year old a lot of boy instead of boyfriend and girlfriend It's like they're my partner What do I care call it? Whatever the fuck you want? And you're gonna look different in ten years anyway, so who cares? That's true. It doesn't like bother me bother me But I just don't get why they happen to boyfriend and girlfriend the guy kidnapped Bella with whenever I talked to me

And I might say them can you get me a pound of weed? He always go, I need to talk to my partners. What partners? You live in a one bedroom fucking apartment. What partners? Everybody's got a partner. Listen, whatever they want to call themselves, if they're happy, so be it. That's true, I'm not, yeah, that's fair.

You know, I mean, you look at some people and you look at them and you go, what the fuck? Before you say fuck, you go, look at them. They're happy. It's not what I would do. Right. But they're happy. What do I give a fuck about? You ever see a really ugly couple?

Uh-huh. They're really in love with each other like a big goofy guy and like a short, What do I give a fuck about? You ever see a really ugly couple? They're really in love with each other, like a big goofy guy and like a short chick with glasses and like greasy hair, but they're in love with each other. And you're like, what am I gonna do? That's real love. That's what it's all about sometimes. They wanna call themselves partners their partners I Never I never had an expected to have that reaction I

Think we look into too many things and I'm the same way Lee I get annoyed by little fingers and sometimes you gotta look at them and go How does this affect me? I mean, when you ask yourself that question, honestly, when you ever ask yourself that question, how does this situation affect me? Be careful for what answer you might come up with because it might scare you. Yeah, it's always gonna be, it doesn't. And I don't judge them, but.

I see people talking about Shit for hours Go can I ask you a question? I'm not trying to be a dick But how does this affect you think about this? Well, it doesn't but but then what why are we here for an hour and a half? We could be discussing how to take over fucking Pennsylvania You know another fictional fucking thing, you know We could be discussing how to take over fucking Pennsylvania You know another fictional fucking thing, you know

What do you follow I'm saying to you like you got it up to boys? If you're trying to be a comic and every time I see you told me about the girlfriend that you love And how you don't trust her and blah blah blah blah, you know, you're never gonna grow as a comic If you have an agitation with the word partner, that's what's great about comedy. You could write about it, write a joke about it. Okay. What bothers you? That's what's great about comedy.

Yeah. Why did Judy Carter work book? One of the exercises in there is talk about what bothers you. The beginning when I told you about the salad right the Cucumbers and shit like that. Like I would go off on that 20 years ago. Does it? Oh, yeah Does it really fucking matter? They're gonna be funny. Their shrimp chowder was to die for

The steak and potatoes are great. You know, the fucking dessert was fucking out of this. Why didn't he? I just tasted my buddy's dessert. Holy shit. A raspberry tort. Oh nice. Dog, I never had that. I just had one bite. The raspberry knocked me the fuck out of my socks.

But listen, man, when you're focusing on real things in your life, you have to ask yourself, how does this affect me? Whether it's politics, whether it's the people across the street that keep playing loud music, and you and your wife are like, what are they going to do? They're going to end up in jail. Who gives a fuck?

Let them play music till the speakers fucking blow. What are you going to do? You're sleeping, right? Yeah. So what's it got to do with you and People you'll be in shock of what answers you get Right. You start feeling about different things and stupid fucking things You know they don't really affect you no in in this conversation. How is this gonna? How is this conversation? Stimulating to me. We're talking about Kamala Harris again and Trump. Let it go go buy milk It's expensive go buy a plane ticket. It's expensive

You know how many migrants are coming in? I gotta tell you who to vote for No, you know, I mean, it's just simple things. But I mean, I can't vote. I'm not endorsing anybody here. I'm just saying that. You think about how these things affect you. You know, you're gonna get pissed off about something about two years. A club owner, somebody doesn't want to headline you, something. You're going to get pissed off. And guess what? You're not going to talk about it to me or to your partner.

But when you're in the shower, taking a shower before you go to bed at night, you're going to think about that motherfucker. You're going to just be angry about some guy that three years ago didn't hire you and You don't even know how to get him back and then one day you get invited to do what was the the Live nation thing with Dane Cook and with Brody used to work the side stage You get to work odd wall fest here you are agent. You get to work at the Oddball Fest, here you are working with great headliners and that fucking guy that wouldn't headline you, he's there standing

there and he'll come over and say hello. Hey, how you doing? You're like fuck you you cocksucker. And then you got a choice, you can come to go fuck himself and give him your beef from eight years ago or now get paid three times more than what you were gonna get paid for four years ago. How does it matter? Now it became a business for you. Now you do torture him. After you get the first check,

you do smack him around a little bit and remind him how he didn't wanna headline you and that next time I'm coming in for fucking double cocksucker. That must feel great. And you start to scare him. That feels a lot better than going off on somebody. Right.

But when you're young and you're angry about not being where you want to be in your career, because we always think that we should be somewhere different than where we are. That's every comic. At every level. You're doing comedy three years, I should be headlining. Okay.

Everybody should always be ahead of where they are. And that's just the way it is. We're all like that. Comics have that little thing. I don't think it's narcissistic. Is that what you'd call it? It could be, yeah. But it's just what you...

Comedy, man, the more you focus on the material and the material that affects your life and you make stand-up personal, that's when it gets real. And that's when the tickets start flying off the fucking shelves. But it takes a level to get there. It is a barrier. You're putting that barrier up, you know, it's like a resistance like Steven Pressfield says In our thinking about that books. Yeah, it's the art of war Yeah, the war of art at the one part. Okay You know, they're just little resistance that you put upon yourself

so It's like the man said, this could be hard or this could be really fucking easy. You know, this could be really fucking hard. You can make this really hard or you can make this easy. What's easy? Get on stage, write, keep your nose clean, stay healthy, perform as much as you can.

And eventually the fucking door will open up for you It could be the door to hell It could be the door to fucking heaven or it could be the daughter, you know But you never know where this is gonna take you right and I'm that's why I'm so looking forward to New York is just like being able to really Like two three times a night minimum, even if most of them are open mics to begin. How old are you now Lee? 36. All right 36 years old

You were in LA for how long ten years? Yeah, ten years about ten years just under you did great. Everything worked out for you came home You got some strength. You lost some weight. You got to be around Mom. And now you're ready. I mean, Mom wants you to spread your wings, too. Yeah, she's a talented woman. You're going to New York with an open mind and open heart. You're going to do comedy,

but let the journey take you where it take you. I'm living... I have a child with a woman that I met on a Sunday night the Comedy Store During the I was hosting and she was waitressing the first time Was it first night? Okay. No. No, she was there the first time I had met her We were both there for like a year and a half. I just never saw it because I was always on the road Okay, good. So I met her and now I sit here and I go, how is it

that I went to do comedy and at the comedy store, I met a woman who I have a child with, have a home with and have a life with for 24 fucking years. And were you looking for it at the time? No, but you don't know what you're looking for. That's the fucking beauty of this journey. That's the beauty of this journey. This journey doesn't have a map. Right.

This journey doesn't have a map. It's wherever it ends up. And the difference is that you guys were together for a while before you had Mercy. It doesn't matter, but what we're talking about is the journey. It's like when you said, I'm going to sign a lease or something for three years, and I go, no. No. You don't know where the journey is going to take you.

You might start doing stand up, meet a chick from fucking one of these foreign countries, Amsterdam, and then she takes you back to do a tour there, and you end up living there, and you're calling me going, I miss you, and I'm like, dog, you're living your life. That journey is your life, but this isn't about your comedy journey.

This is about your life, what you're about to do right now. Oh yeah. I have no shades on. When I went to Colorado in 1985't even have no shades on. When I went to Colorado in 1985, I had no shades on. I was in for whatever you brought me, except being gay. Anything else you f***ing... You know what I'm saying?

Like anything else you showed up with, I'm in. I'm not gonna be gay, okay? I have no hatred against them or nothing. I just don't want a dick in my ass That's fair. That's fair, you know, so That's it. It's a journey for you going to new york to fucking find Lee and for lee to find you That's look at this And i'm i'm, oh that's even way before comedy my whole life. I've wanted to live in new york

Just the fact that I'm there, what do you say? And to walk up and down steps like a motherfucker. Dude, I'm gonna be so ripped. You're gonna laugh in like six months, you're gonna be like, whoa, is that Lee? Or like a swimsuit model, I'm gonna be ripped. All right. But there are two Chinese restaurants on my vlog, so.

Yeah, no, that's the first thing you said to me. That's the other place where you went to move to, there's a donut place, that's the first thing you said to me. The other place where you went to move to, there's a donut place and there's a- The other place had nothing. The other place was above a vegan restaurant. Yeah, but they had a diner and the one that's open 24 hours and they had disco fries, he told me.

Now he tells me all this, but he never told me about the four stories, you know what I'm saying? Till afterwards. No, I wanna tell you the bad news. I mean, you're like, the thing is, everyone's like, oh, now Joey's not coming to your apartment. You weren't coming to my apartment if there was an elevator. You're not going to drive in and park.

I would come over there to see what's cracking over there, hide some edibles, sprinkle some fungi dust on the furniture. It'll be fun to be that close. It'll be fun to do stuff. And wherever you do a residency, it'll be fun to do that close. It'll be fun to do stuff. And wherever you do a residency, it'll be fun to do shows with you. It's like me right now. I haven't really done anything in four years.

Fuck around a little bit. I shot a movie. I shot two movies, a TV show, a Law and Order. Nothing too serious, but things happened. Even they weren't too serious. Now I want to go on a different journey. At an older age, more controlled and more focused, you know? And now I know how I want to do things.

And you know, this is my journey your journey is to Find you and for you know you to find Lee and for Lee to find you And if you meet a woman Whatever, it's all open. This is it. This is part of it. Don't fight it. This is life I'm not looking I'm just one of them. I'm so focused on comedy It's you know 50 year old with a Led Zeppelin t-shirt Still doing nyack with no wife and no kids. You don't think so. No, you want a life you want a family You want something to ground you?

And everything will be worked out around that trust me.. I'm not pushing people away either, but- No, no. No, you're not even thinking. No, I'm just so focused on comedy. I don't want you to, I'm never gonna do this. Listen, you don't know what I'm gonna do, all right? You do what they- I never said I was never gonna do it.

But you know what I mean. You're one of those fucking Lincoln poops that are, I don't know. No, don't just be open. This is what comedy is about. Trust me. I fought this too for years. You know what? The best times in my life, as fucking sad as it is, was when I was doing Coke and doing comedy on my terms. It was all on

my terms. I was a fucking outlaw to the end. I was just on the road. And if I needed money, I'd go to Kmart and rob car mats and try to bring them back or you know I did whatever I had to do to make this journey fun at some point. Is that the best thing that's happened to me now? No, now I have a wife and a child and I enjoy my time. I'm a fucking geek. I don't do drugs no more except fucking spray shit and mushrooms and reefer but that was all part of the journey back then and that's what got me to where it got me and your journey is gonna start with a lot of shit on you and The more you put into it, you know, it's like I told Joe the more dollars you go through you lose luggage The more what you go through doors

You lose luggage The more what you go through doors, okay, you start losing luggage when you leave Boston you got 36 suitcases You know now you start moving and traveling you start losing suitcases your soul gets attached to these places It's fucking unreal When I look back when I lived in Seattle, I lived in Boulder When I look back, when I lived in Seattle, I lived in Boulder, you know, it's unreal to think that at the point in my life, I just got up and went to Seattle one day. And it was great.

I met Josh Wolf, I met a bunch of people, Brody, I got into Soundgarden, when I was into them before I went up there, I got into music more. It was a great time in my life. Could I do it forever? No was part of the journey right, but like There's something about moving because this is the second time I moved to LA and

Like just moving from here to like a new city moving to any new city. I think it's just a crazy Experience. It was really moving your life in bags Listen, like I told you I have a friend on Facebook. That's never left his block. Yeah, I Don't think he ever went to Europe and Part of me makes me jealous that he had a family And he never but he never left his blockly. He never lived in Florida for 90 days He never hid in Sarasota when the cops were looking

for him, Knutson County. He didn't, you know, like he just, I don't know. People get mad at me. They're like, oh, well, you don't travel internationally, but bitch, I know every fucking dirty spot in this country and that makes me proud, man. It's a journey. Everybody has a different journey.

You're going to meet comics that they're going to disappear from New York, and in three years, they're going to be doing comedy in Australia. And they live in Australia. Yeah! Or they move to London. What happens when you go to London and meet a girl? And you're like, fuck it, Chip, Chip, Charlie Ho.

This is good pussy. I'm staying here. and you're like, fuck it, Chip, Chip, Charlie Ho, this is a good pussy, I'm staying here. Yeah. No. No. No. That's like a Twitter post.

This is a fucking, this is a journey, Lee. Oh, yeah. And it's a great journey, no matter what the result is, because you're going to learn more. Oh, my God. In this journey. Such a heartfelt message. Yeah. Oh This journey Yeah You're gonna learn more from that journey than and you're gonna go with what do you do with that journey after your 58 brother? It's a TV show you look back and go I did that. Oh my god. It's a TV show

Absolutely. So look at it. This move is the best thing you're ever going to do. California was great, but this is going to be bad. Oh, yeah. And it's a jerk. You might end up with a Greek chick with a hairy pussy. You might end up with a bear, some guy who loves you and is rich and just wants you to sit on his lap and he rubs your bald head.

Doesn't it matter if I want to have like, that doesn't sound like, are you selling me to some guy? I don't know Lee. This is what it means. You don't know I wouldn't know if I was selling somebody to somebody. Listen, all I know is you're gonna have a great time. You're gonna learn a lot.

Oh yeah. I'm envious of you because everybody will like this shot. You know how many people sit at their fucking little job in their little house and daydream about what you're gonna do? A lot. I never thought about that, but I didn't.

And a lot of people don't go, well, I'm gonna do it. They push it back, they push it back, they push it back. And then they get married and they have kids and they never did anything. At least you're giving it a try and I'm proud of you,cksucker. Thank you buddy. I'm excited. I can't wait. I'm excited. I can't wait anyway. I can't I did you know People like New York and LA are like the two places I know Austin's like really busy now too, but I to do comedy in New York is pretty cool

Listen Sinatra didn't sing a song about Austin. All right, so Austin's like really busy now too, but to do comedy in New York is pretty cool. Listen, Sinatra didn't sing a song about Austin. All right, so. Put your shit, get your shit together. I'll see you next week. All right, buddy. Friday night at the fuck, and whatever, tweet it if you're not gonna be in the car. I will.

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