Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Uncle Joey Diaz and his main man Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

This week on The Church of What's Happening Now Joey Diaz is turning into an internet troll, Lee finds out that fireworks actually are illegal in Tampa, Joey on the types of people you see at protests and why family can be overrated. Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free by pressing in code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and switch to Mint Mobile. Get a 3-month 5 gigabyte plan for just $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/CHURCH  

What's happening beautiful people uncle Joey here by main man Lee Syatt Tuesday the 17th of June. Holy shit. The year is on fire. What's happening beautiful people? It's a Tuesday morning. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. What's up with you there? I'm good. I'm just I'm happy Anytime I can you I'm with this somewhere with you and you get annoyed really easily. It's gonna be a fun night Oh, yeah, when you get annoyed, I'm like, oh, this is gonna be a good one. Oh, yeah. I'm somewhere with you and you get annoyed really easily. I'm like, oh, it's gonna be a fun night. When you get annoyed, I'm like, oh, this is gonna be a good one. Oh yeah, I'm always fucking annoyed. You know what I'm saying? When you gotta torch me with broccoli rabe

and fucking $10,000 tickets and you know, I'm gonna put up with this shit on a Monday that I'm trying to relax and look at that statue of Google that has been on there. It's been on fucking Google for two fucking hours. Okay, plus I've been getting email. I set up that computer. Oh, yeah, my wife. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I Can I got eight me mills from Google? Like we got your email we discover, you know what I wasn't even looking for that fucking email

I didn't give a beauty and the beast I give a fuck of it disappears Oh, yeah, and the old church one on Google that could disappear too at this point. Well that I disappeared They all disappeared on me. They don't disappear. They just get logged out and leave the log back in you say They get the log in so fuck it Once I forget the login dog, you're done I got I don't even know I put my Twitter and my Facebook on the big computer because I don't have a login information I don't even know how that's possible. I had to get logged back into YouTube So that's your wife and I were going back and forth for like an hour today trying to figure it out

That's probably all the emails you got but like I don't understand how you lose Everyone I forget my password Password I get all right. Yeah, okay when I'm setting up all that shit. I'm high So just hit my password and I get what so just hit forgot password and then it starts a whole new day And then you gotta send your email and they send it back and click And I gotta click it back now. I'm not just I can't you just start a new email address every time What's that you just start like a new email address every time I just's that? You just start like a new email address every time? I just start everything new. I don't touch it.

Once it disappears, I start a new one. Then I go back and they're like, you already have like nine accounts. I'm fucking hilarious. I got like three IMDB accounts. Are you paying for all of them? I don't know. I have no fucking idea who pays for these.

It used to send me a note like, hey, you got 30 days to pay. They just gave up. They just stopped. What do you do? Sag disappeared, sag after. Disappeared on my computer. Just dis-a-fucking-peered.

And then I tried to put it on my laptop and I went through all that shit. Send us this, what's your first born, what's your favorite ice cream. They must have asked me 10 of my fucking secret codes. They asked you like your favorite ice cream, what was your first dog's name and I put the dog's name and it's wrong and I'm like god damn it that's the only dog I had when we came from Cuba, Hercules. No, wrong. And then you're sitting there scratching your head. I got nobody to call, I got no mother, I got no father,

I got no grandfather to ask what the name of that fucking dog was. So I'm fucked, I just lose the account. That's amazing. If not, they throw you with pick the six trailers. I gotta pick fucking six bicycles. That shit never works. And I gotta go back again, I hit the trailer,

it slips out. And then they hit you with a different one, pick the plowapots, okay. I pick the fucking I gotta go back again. I hit the trail, it slips out. And then I hit you with a different one. Pick the flower pots, okay. I pick the fucking flower pots again, I'm done. I don't have the patience for this shit. Now I post some on Instagram and that thing comes up. Do you wanna post it on Facebook? Listen, if I wanna go to Facebook,

I wanna be on Facebook. I don't wanna post this on Facebook. I wanna post this on Instagram. I got all different shit I post on Facebook because Facebook and Instagram are different to me. I got idiots from grammar school following me on Facebook and family people and like fucking retards. On Instagram they're all retards, they just go off.

It's a different form of retard. Yeah, it's a different form of retard. But on my Facebook page I got goofy people, just goofy fucking people like from grammar school and high school and they asked me stupid questions from time to time I don't mind but it's too different Twitter I don't know what they are anymore it's X whatever the fuck I don't even know what Twitter is who's on Twitter what's on terrible people oaky spooky she's still on Twitter good for her yeah

she's still on Twitter but I don know on the- Oh, terrible people. Ookey spooky. That's it. Is she still on Twitter? Good for her. Yeah, she's still on Twitter, but I don't know the rest of you. These people are fucking crazy all over. Listen, something happened to the internet during the pandemic. The pandemic hit us March 17th, they closed everything down.

Around, yeah. By May, something had happened on the internet. I think people being at home for two months, something happened and we've never recovered it there's just a lot of people on there just I don't know like just fucking talking stupidity and you see it and you go you know what I don't know what's going on I go on in the morning the first stupid thing I do I shut it down and go on DraftKings that's it I swear to God how long you last like eight minutes like not even 15

I told you bro my record this week. I spent 46 minutes a day on the computer Damn, that's my all-time lowest record. I'm done That's I got no pages to look at that's why You can look at Google yeah, I go to YouTube I look at what happened with the Gambino's the fucking the club Joe Rogan is hiding fucking this it's it's you know it's just YouTube is garbage the front page of YouTube It's it's I don't even know and you click on the podcast and it's a guy in his basement And you're like what the fuck guy the picture look good. Mm-hmm, but I click on it's like a hi We're coming to you

with a fucking bow haircut. The mob guy with a bow haircut, hi, I'm in my living room, no shit, I can tell you about the Empire State Building. You know, it's fucking insane. And every day, there's on the front page of YouTube, they're either torturing Bert, they just hate hate Bert and Bert should just go away at this point When they start making videos about you daily, that's a problem

Yeah for both of them because like there it must be because you're clicking on them and thinks you want to see like Comedy TMZ stuff. No, I don't want to see anything. I know you don't know me I click on the music so I go on that front page because maybe there's something that I haven't wanna see anything. I click onto music. So I go on that front page because maybe there's something that I haven't listened to. Maybe there's just some, a couple days ago I fucking put on Santana. I saw Santana Braxton's on it. Cause I have a playlist.

It just develops a playlist on YouTube of all the shit you listen to over the years. So every once in a while I'm like, I gotta listen to something else. I go to the front and I'll find like a live concert or something, I'll go on that. And I'll break up the monotony. But I don't read nothing.

I don't read anything. Okay, there's no reason to read shit. I read messages. If you send me a message and it's halfway decent, I'll read it. If it's, I was getting these messages of these people that they have proof that they watch his name got killed and I'm sitting there every morning like who cares what can I do the guy from Nirvana oh I killed that boob it's about the bust the truth is gonna

come out we want you to be a part of it. Listen, why? What am I, a historian? I don't need to be a part of this shit. Joe Diaz broke the news. I don't need that in my life. I really don't want it, I don't need it. No, I don't blame you. I get shit guys that would,

there's days my wife comes down and she knows, she's like, what's going on? I go, you have no idea. You just have no idea the shit people send me him What I'm forced to read because I have to give you the benefit of doubt. I get a lot listen My mother died. I don't know what to do. That's fine. My father died. I got a nephew sick We'll talk but you get people that I Think they forget I'm 62.

I think they forget that I'm a fucking old geezer. I got no teeth. I think they forget that I'm at home. Yeah, I don't think they forget. I just think they, like, I don't know if they're crazy or what it is, but like I had some guy today, he was very nice, but he was real sweaty and just came up and just started talking. It was like, it freaks you out sometimes. Dog, I had a guy yesterday at the wheat store.

I went to the wheat store. Now, I hate going to this wheat store. They have different wheat. So I go there, like I didn't go from January. I stopped going. I got sick in January. And I go, I don't need to go up there no more. Cause every time you go up there, it's fucking craziness, it's in freehold.

I like the wheat store, the wheat store is phenomenal. What I have noticed the last three times I've been there is that business is terrible. Yeah. Business is terrible, there used to be lines in there. Three fucking lines. The last three times I've been in there, I've been the first one in line when I get in there. That's not good.

But even with the lower amount of people, you still got fucking lunatics that go in there. I had a woman who came up to me there, maybe like April, and just talked this crazy shit like I had known her. She's like, hi, Joey. She goes, you know, I just got out of rehab. Well, what the fuck are you doing in the wheat store? Just talk this crazy shit like I had known her. Mm-hmm. She's like hi Joey She goes, you know, I just got over rehab. Well, what the fuck are you doing on the wheat store?

Like that woman who at that the haha that time with a bandage around her head that you abandoned me with oh, yeah No, no, but this is this was even crazy real this lady came up to me. She's like, hi Joey I've seen you on Rogan nice to meet you. Where do you live Marlboro? I live in Whatever, you know blah blah blah and right into it. She goes I just got out of a rehab on Thursday I go would you go to rehab for she goes alcohol pills like I and she's like Not gonna go home and deal with a husband. I don't love Nice to meet you. And I'm like, okay. And she just went on from there and took it like I was a therapist.

Oh yeah. And I'm sitting there going, what did I do? Like, do I have a fucking white jacket on? Like, and this went on for 15 minutes. You let it go? Huh? I keep, I bring up a chewing gum or something and you let me go for like eight seconds.

You let this woman go for like 15 minutes? I was trying to be nice. She got out of rehab, she had glasses, I couldn't smack her, you know. You know, I just, you gotta be nice to some people and listen to them and hear them out. Some people might tell you something that's interesting. But this lady was telling me everything

about her fucking life. And at night he treats me like a hooker You know what? I'm like, oh, well, that's He goes he treats me like a hooker. It's not even up to me. I'll never forget the conversation It's not even up to me. I got out of rehab. He was all over me. I'm like Okay Can I take your number so I could call you from time now?? I got listen my married my wife, you know Yeah, the fucking animal Okay, so fucking kill you I'll see you again. Okay, that was it. But Sunday was brutal cuz it was raining

And this motherfucker pulled up with like a wife beater and like a shirt unbuttoned Okay, he's like Joey Deas. How you doing? And he's just a listen man what you talk about is deep and I can relate to you. You know the Jersey Strong I'm like what? He's like Jersey Strong on the 79 and the 18. I'm like, I don't know and he goes come in there I'm the mayor of that place. I Want to do shit anybody who need to know him. He goes I know everybody the Bon Jovi Everybody you come in there and I want to do shit also

I'm looking at him and he went into something else My father was into psychedelics and he went into that shit and the fucking phone rang Thank God and there was Nikki pork chops and I'm like I'm gonna give this motherfucker bonus. This guy just saved my life and he's's like, oh, you can take that, no shit. I just zipped a window in his face. My whole arm was drenched. From the fucking car was drenched, because he wanted to talk.

It's fucking raining out. He's out there with drops on his head. And then my neighbor called me the other day, he's like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, I didn't know you were political. I go, I'm not. He goes, then what's that picture I saw on there? I go, my nephew's helping the guy with the campaign,

let's take a picture with me. He goes, have you read the comments? They hate you for it. I go, I don't give a fuck. I go, first of all, what we were talking about before, you could sit here every night, you could tell I'm not political. I don't have Trump on here, I don't even know what the vice president's name is. I don't

know anything. Neither does Trump. And these guys were like, he goes, oh, they were going off, Democrats. Because they're idiots. Because they're idiots. And I'll do this to them once a year. Last year I came up and went to the projects and took a picture. They went nuts. They went nuts. And they think it bothers me?

For me it's just me fucking with them. You should make like a fake campaign sign for like someone who's not even running. Just to fuck with them. Because like dude who can, and like your nephew was working for him, I'm sure he's a great guy, but like, you say who cares who the president wins, who cares who the sheriff is? How is that gonna change your life at all? What's he gonna do, he gonna hit with a different Billy time?

You know what I'm saying? He's gonna hit you with a rubber one and a wooden one. What's, you know, it's just, people have nothing in their lives no more. You have to turn into a troll. You have to start trolling people online That would be so great for what just putting up pictures that you know, we're gonna piss people off. I could do that every day I know I could do that to the cows come on because I know what gets them I know what music gets them round up. Oh

Yeah, I play Bush. They lose that man. I played Bush. They lose their mind, you know Bush There's a couple bands that they just hate fucking hate and I'll do it just cuz I don't give a fuck Yeah, it's what I'm listening to that morning. I was there listen. That's what I listen to. Oh my god Have you ever yelled at I guess I you know me I don't say anything to anybody But like a year or so I was in line at like a CVS that Friday like 8 p.m And this woman was yelling at the cashier about the covert vaccine that they were testing it on kids and doing things And there was a line and I was like miss it's 7 o'clock on our Friday. Give this guy a break She was like they're doing it and they're and they're making been home all day

She was like they're doing it and they're making it. She's been home all day. Then she watched World News Tonight and that took her to a CNN and that took her to a different dilemma. You know, it's dug between the TV. Think about it. You go from one extreme to the other. If you're not reading a book, you're just reading shit that's manufactured. If you're not reading a book at this point, if you go online, you gotta assume it's 50% real.

But you gotta go in there like that. You have to go in going, whatever I'm about to read, 50% is bullshit. At least. Okay, and then if you watch TV, if you put on, like I know that, I don't know what network it is. I laugh every night. I laugh when my wife tells me the stupid shit. Like, I'm 62 years old, I don't know what network it is. I laugh every night. I laugh was my wife tells me this stupid shit like I'm 62 years old

I don't know what the far right is for the far left and you know what I don't want to know Yeah, I don't need to know and then I know there's one CNN is anti Trump. Yeah, and Fox is Trumpy Yeah, like really seeing it and so the news is gonna be right there. Oh, it's such a, it's a. Right there, just those two channels. The news is gonna come out a little differently. So again, when you watch those two channels, you're in for 50%.

Yeah. 50%, maybe even 40. At best. Because they're doing it from a different perspective. It's like when I went on Rogan, I was talking about why I like to sing or a Judas Priest Okay as much as I did always because he wrote all those lyrics about fucking and sucking But while you're thinking about women he was writing those lyrics thinking about a man

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant That's brilliant right and that's what you're getting now But he was doing it because you know, he was slinging dick. I I mean right bro. You got to read his book his book is fucking brutal Brutal what would he do just fuck everybody off and when he would take you to the cleaners he busted a guy's overing what? He busted a guy's overing in Chicago a designer Oh, wow, I had to go to the hospital with a busted fucking overing his asshole look like fucking Pretty proud of it. Oh my god I was gonna say that's my favorite my favorite news is what's happening in Israel today with Joey Diaz. You just call me like

Yusha have you seen what Israel's been doing? I'm like no. They're ready to fuck people up. You know it's like you look at even the other day they have my call this blind I Call this blind Nikki told me that nine people escaped from the ice thing Right, I'm sitting there going nine people escaped from Newark. Okay, I think two three hours later You know, I smoked my numbers. I eat my little eddies I go for my seven o'clock ride and I come back home and my wife has 12, New Jersey 12?

She was waiting for the weather, and all of a sudden they're like, breaking news, you know. Four people escaped, and there's a protest going on right now. And without even looking at it, I go, let's see where the chubby chick is. Dog! First one.

The first one, a fat bald one, with a lesbian Nazi thing on her arm, pushing the truck. Like she was gonna push it. Dog, she caught her beatin'. That was so ferocious. Was it the red truck? I think I saw that. Ran her over.

You see that? It ran her over. They picked her back up, punched her in the head. She came running back, Julio, Julio. Oh my God. They're punching her. She's like, came running back Julio Julio oh my god they're punching her she's like Julio Julio why is there always a fat chick that hasn't gotten dick in eight years at those protests they're always chubby yeah they always got fucking blue hair they always want to be like that it's always something I

don't know what is with lesbians or chubby chicks that run down there to get beat up. I don't know what it is to get beat up. Listen, I'm not afraid of getting beat up, but if you stand in front of my car, I'm allowed to hit the gas. The fucking people in Florida, they did not fuck around. That sheriff said, I'll hit you with the fucking car.

If you throw something, we're gonna shoot. Your family's gonna get notified to where to you with the fucking car. If you throw something, we're gonna shoot. Your body's just, your family's gonna get notified to where to pick up the fucking remains. And you know what, nobody threw nothing. Nobody threw a fucking thing. They had a big protest in Albany. I got stuck in traffic for like 15 minutes. They had a protest everywhere this weekend.

Every fucking, 2,000 cities. Everybody had a protest. You see them in LA? All our neighbors were out. Half the studio city was down there. This can't happen. No King's Day. How about no Cock Day?

If you had cock, you wouldn't be at King's Day. Yeah, that's every day for them. That's every day for them. That's every day for them. But I would love to see you, like what if you walked in and them writing their signs? Like, because they color their signs. They don't write their signs. They have those people, they pay whoever fucking these,

or running these fake campaigns. These people that go to these fucking things, they can't even write. They can't, you know, half of them. And the ones in LA, you could tell, the guy with the flag and the whole thing. He can't fucking write They can't you know half of them and the ones in LA you could tell the guy with the flag and the whole thing He can't fucking write dog. Those people can't write. Okay, so It's just a shame what's going on. It's a shame that every fucking June in this country We have to fucking get into this shit now

Every fucking June two years ago Floyd three years ago this well Floyd was five years ago But now you have you know last year was a Palestinians before that It was the Jews saying that the way to fuck our hostages now It's Hamas every week is something different and in New York they come out Yeah, I mean and the other night I'm watching an ice fucking thing where people dressed as Palestinians I'm like how how confused are you? They're ICE people, now you're down there with the towel around their head,

fucking yelling and screaming. It's just, I don't listen, I don't. Did you ever protest anything? Never. You ever had an urge, like nothing Cuban ever got to you? Not even an urge. One time I went home with a half a fact thing and my mom shut it down and she explained why you don't do that.

And I never went back out there again. There's no reason to, hi, you're only protesting to get a girl. Or to get accepted into your little coffee group. And they cry and shit. You know, like the first night at ICE, I saw when they were in LA, they beat up a white chick. That chick is a fucking hero.

At yoga. When she went to yoga the next day with that black eye like what happened the neck brace you're not gonna believe it you know I got beat up oh my god you're so brave they eat that shit up that's what they do that's what they do listen man some people smoke spot to be accepted some people act like idiots to be accepted they that's act like idiots to be accepted. They, that's what they do, make believe that they care. The babies. The babies, balance that.

If you were sucking cock, you have your own baby. Right. You have your own fucking baby. Holy shit. Hold on one second. We're gonna take a breather. We got so into this conversation, we didn't even talk to you about Blu Chu.

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I was gonna tell you last week, but we didn't have time One of our friends down there. I've never done fireworks like I was petrified of it as a kid I did it for the first time within 30 seconds. There were two cop cars. I Got I got in trouble Like I have like a warning in like where wherever I was in like Paradise in Tampa or something They got real upset. They didn't like it at all. Who gave you the fireworks one of our friends down there Steve Simone Allegedly may have found but they sell it at Target. So I don't really get what the fuck happened and then They sell them at Target. I know I got fucking like sparkler things.

He's like, all right, let me give you these. You're going to be fine. And then, dude, I have a video. It's like it blew off and like the cardboard on the top hit me. And I thought I was getting like set on fire. So I didn't see one firework that went off. I didn't see one in the sky. 30 seconds later, there were two cop cars driving on the beach

And I thought I was gonna get arrested what they give you a warning for fireworks, but they're not apparently they sell they say they're for Agricultural purposes and I don't know what the fuck I don't know what how you use fireworks and farming But they're they're legal, but they're not So I don't know what the fuck happened. But yeah, I forgot about that. It was the quickest. Dude, in New York, I see people doing crazy shit and there's no cops to be found. On the beach, I lit off one firework for the first time ever.

And they treated it like I was gonna shoot the president. You're 37 years old, you never lit a firework. No, it was illegal, Massachusetts and Then in California the met all every Mexican had him you didn't need to like buy your own And that was awesome. But you have no Chinese people went up to your neighborhood and so fireworks out of that You want to keep all my neighborhood? They didn't know it's a shame. What happened to Chinese people are coming to your neighborhood So you a fucking what'd you call those things, George?

Mats. A mat, a mat was when you got 144 of them. Fireworks? Fuck yeah, 144 packs like a fucking, and when you got froggy, you lit the whole thing on fire. Oh yeah. If you had balls, they were like 90 bucks, you're like, fuck it, I'm going for it.

Cause you buy a mat just to sell them. Oh okay. Like you could probably sell them, half of them, and keep them. Oh so you could like rip it. I'm going for it because you buy a mat just to sell them Okay, you could probably sell them half of them and keep them Oh, so you're like ribbit or something like take part pieces of it Okay, no because it's like a it's like a kilo of coke, but when you cut it open It's got all the packages individual like five packs 20 pack whatever fuckers in there Oh, yeah, I've never do it I like do you remember that football player Jason Pierre Paul has like a fucked up crab hand now Cuz he blew up his hand doing five that's I've been scared of fireworks my whole life. Not me. No you like them

Do you have you do I have never needed fireworks? Well, yeah, I do fireworks. I go to a fucking you know You have a backyard. I go to a fucking ex. I go to a what do you call them alcohol? What's the night I go to a fireworks anonymous meeting you did and I go to fireworks. I'm just maybe you did fireworks No, it's a kid's thing. They come to your neighbor You buy a pack of firecrackers you light them and then you like other shit You like the bottle rockets you like those either like and just shooting them people Oh, yeah, you put them in a bottle and you shoot my people or you break the stick Okay, and those are called something completely different off color, which you can't say anymore

You like them on fire. They just spin around in circles. Oh damn they go It would bounce off a wall without the stick that thing goes crazy. There's no that there's no navigation system Do you ever get hit no, but we shot him at people And then you had Roman candles, which you would shoot at people. Fuck. And they were like 40 bucks when we were kids for a stick. They were expensive.

Then you had M80s, and like eight of those is a stick of dynamite, right? And is that the stuff like people would put into like mailboxes and blow them up? Boom, with a frog's mouth and shit. Oh, you put them in a frog's mouth? I don't know, I don't know. Allegedly. I've never done that stupid shit but kids do it yeah I can resident you know places where there's not much to do right except

blow up a frog oh I don't want to blow up a frog but I do I like lighting shit on fire I do oh me I'm an arson by fucking nature I love all that shit hey you know they have places like where can like, you know, shoot guns or stuff. I'd like to like go to like an abandoned house and like just light it on fire and get to watch. Can you imagine? That's a living. What's a living?

Lighting houses on fire? Yeah, for people. Tell them I'll light your house on fire. You study it, the fucking what burns, what doesn't burn, how they still get the insurance. That's a good living. I think I'd get caught immediately. No, you could wear like a black suit,

like those little hoods. Can you imagine? But then it's just gonna be a little chubby me with like eight feet of fire behind me. They're gonna see me a mile away. It'll be fine. You'll run fast, once the fire's behind you. Oh, I

I always makes you run faster. Yeah, so you Jews and black people don't like fireworks It's just I had no fire black people like fire either I don't think anyone like who likes fire I could live with I could light a fire But yeah, I'm saying to you. I would love that so you got in trouble in Florida with the cops Yeah, and there's a warning your names out down there Look at you you fucking I know I'm a fucking fireworks. I should kill you Fireworks do that is always whenever anything goes wrong My first thought is am I like I hope there's no like issue Because if Joey finds out about this in the wrong way like if I came back with like a firework burn on my head

You would have never let me live it down oh my god like and that's why cuz I freaked out cuz the cardboard on top of the fireworks flew off and hit me so the oh no so that's why I dove I didn't see one thing and the god if I have a fucking burn on the side of my head you're never gonna let me live it down it's not like you'd be worried about me like what are you doing? My little gunpowder never hurt nobody, you know what I'm saying? And you take the firecrackers and you break them,

and you take the gunpowder, and you can make like a line, and light the gunpowder, and it goes all the way down like in the crow. Yeah, I would love to do that. Fireworks are a lot of fucking fun until you blow your finger off or somebody loses an eye

But you know, it's like a party ain't a party till somebody breaks up, right? So if I work until you lose a finger, it's not though somebody cries somebody burnt the hand But when I was a kid they came around with the picture of the guy With his hand and the skin got blown off his fingers Really you could see the bones in his hands and shit. Oh shit. And I'm like, sign me up. Sign me up, motherfucker, I'm gonna light some of those. They're just fun, you know, kids like them.

I mean, I don't like them. Then they have the new things that you light. It's like a helicopter. Cause my neighbor had those. You light them on fire and they, and they blow up, yeah, like eight feet in the air whoopee Do you like are you gonna go on the fourth of July to like see fireworks? Oh my god, I can't wait That's my favorite part of the year when I sit down I hug my family and I get a guitar

Yeah, I play get the fuck out of here. I like three fucking firecrackers. I go inside of my business only go whoo Wow Looking like some fucking idiot like I watch fucking you know You know, it's like a parade How many times can you go to a parade? The chick flies off with a sword. Okay, we can leave now. That's my problem with fireworks is they're the same every year.

Yeah, that's it. It's like, we're going to go up to the Hudson and look at the Hudson at the fire. Okay. What do you, is there anything that you do like to do? Not really. I like to eat. Smoke dope, listen to music, read a book, shit like that. I did see something pretty interesting.

I forget if he was talking about it on Rogan or I saw a clip of Rick Rubin talking about the Johnny Cash song that he did, like his last song that he ever did. It was like another rock song. He did a cover of it, but he was like 73 he was in his house. He was like dying It was pretty interesting. I don't know if you know if you you don't seem like a Johnny Cash fan I like Johnny Cash wrote a song called rusty cage. Okay, and then sound garden we did it

Oh, I think it's the other way around actually. Yeah, that sound garden did it first and then he did it It was like 73. It's pretty like that was pretty interesting Oh 9-inch nails on okay, okay Yeah, that was bad. You know to show up here with fucked up facts. I don't you're worse than And then I am supposed to keep facts in my head I have no idea I Had a good fucking father's day. Oh, yeah, I I have no idea. I had a good fucking father's day. Oh, yeah, I Had a good week with her it's when you're a dad you have good weeks and you have fucking

Good weeks and you have bad week. Whatever. I don't know I just had a really good week with her and fall this day like what happened? I don't know she's getting to that She's done She done. That's it. Sixth grade is done. Wow. Wow She done that says sixth grade is done Wow Wow Seventh grade Jimmy fucking Florentine's kids graduates eighth grade when I moved here He was in the third grade or something like that Wow these kids were the fucking young kids, man So it's just really weird that I'm watching it and like she grew again Not size wise. She's not growing size wise even though she is what I'm trying to say like when I talk to her now I could see that She's older and it's kind of getting a little bit more fun and she makes me laugh a little bit more

You know, yeah, she does. I mean, I swear to God. I can't believe this shit. She comes up with Oh, I love when she's she's basically doing stand-up without knowing she's doing a stand-up I love when you get her going and then you let her go and then you tell her, you're like, relax. Relax, that's it. Cause she'll go off on you for a while. She'll fucking go off for fucking 20 minutes. And sit in the car after you give her ice cream or something. That fucking shit's like liquid cocaine.

They go off. They go off. And if you have three girls in the car and they have something sweet, they go off. It's like Chinese people behind you. Blah, blah, blah, blah. We just hear like Chinese people behind you. Blah, blah, blah. We just hear fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, wow, I can't even keep up with this shit.

But it's funny, this morning when I spoke to you, you were talking about how you haven't spoken to your dad in a while. How long has it been now? I think it'll be four years. Has anybody heard from him? Not that I know of. No.

No, it's very, it's very, because I was thinking about it this weekend because it was, you know, it's just Father's Day. And yeah, it's, you know, my dad and I were really close while he was on the podcast. And I'm not, he was, he got, he was unhappy with me because I had spent like a bunch of birthdays with him in a row. And then my girlfriend in Massachusetts, it was our first Valentine's Day, so I was going to spend Valentine's Day with her. And then his birthday is like the 18th, so I was going to go down like the 16th.

And he wanted me to come down on that Sunday and spend like Valentine's in the whole week with him. I said, no, I'm going to spend it with my... And then that was it. Blocked and everything it was and you know what it is. It's sad, but it's something that I've come to terms with but it's I was I brought it up to you today because you know, I Will you have with mercy's beautiful, but I know that there's a lot of people who like, you know Are going through stuff like that who cut parents off or the kids. There's a lot of people going through it. I think

Well, it's funny that listen man, I going through stuff like that who cut parents off or the kids there's a lot of people going through it i think oh it's funny that listen man i used to remember when Before i left la i used to call a lot of people and talk to a lot of people when i moved here I didn't feel good so i stopped calling a few people just I even forgot that i even had to call him like that's how fucked up I was when I got off the plane and now it's gonna be five years and there's like four people

I haven't called and now I can't call because I'm too embarrassed to call Cuz they're gonna go what the fuck happened and I gotta explain to them You know, I think it happens. I mean like did you stop answering their calls or you just know they didn't call either I mean one guy called one time and I called him back and we spoke a little bit and he invited me to his house He was only here for like two days and he invited me to his house. He's like I'm down Some shore it was like an hour and 48 fucking minutes away And this guy's like you gotta come down here before I leave And you came over. Okay. Yeah, I'm like you want to go down there. You're like, I don't I'm like this motherfucker

Just drove an hour and a half I'm not gonna put you back in my car to drive an hour 40 and then an hour 40 back Right and when I called him I could tell he was pissed off So I'd like moved on. And now it's been fucking five years, like four years that I haven't spoken to him. And I feel embarrassed. So maybe that's it. Right. After a while, you just get into a groove and you're like, I'll call him tomorrow. I'll call him. When people text me sometimes, I save the text, just to remind me to call them. Okay, and there's

Texts on there that I still Haven't called number two. They're in a different time zone, right? And that's always a pain in the ass to me because I go okay. I got to call that person at this time my time and then Something happens you don't call that person like fuck now the day's gone, you know But I don't like talking to people my daughter's in the room Right, you know nothing about anymore when I call you in the morning And then you call me back in the afternoon when I'm surrounded by people, right? I don't want to do that

No, I don't pick up the phone, right? I won't even pick it up And that but there's like a you know, sometimes you just you get busy and you don't call people back Like have you ever I know I know your parents aren't here But like, you know, sometimes you have to decide like okay I don't this person's not supposed to be in my life like that. It sounds like you just you know You get busy and things happen. It doesn't sound like you're like cutting people No, no, I love them daily. It's my old neighbor from Boulder It's one of my teachers from North Bergen.

Haven't spoken to my uncle. Really? Since fucking December maybe. I speak to my cousins. I speak to all my cousins, but I don't speak to my uncle. Cause I call him, now he don't answer the phone at night no more. He used to be a late night guy, but now he's 86,

he ain't that late no more. So I would try to call him like 11 o'clock here, eight o'clock, I could catch him, like last night I thought about calling him during the baseball game, because I know he watches Giants all the time. Okay. When plays the show, and they were on last night

against the Dodgers, but I got busy. Right. It was fall this day I got busy with the girls so that's what happened there but it's just nothing I don't pick them. Right. It's just you just fall into the cracks sometimes with people so you go I'm embarrassed to even call them now. I get that for sure. There's a guy the guy who gave me my first job in LA. One of the sweetest guys in the world created America's Funniest Owned videos and They I fucked up the first when I got rid of when I got my next job They had like a board that you could post at the college I went to and I posted it and this guy is like an alumna like a trustee at this college and he found out

I was leaving his company before I had, I told him, I could tell him, and I could tell that it hurt his feelings. And I just haven't, like for years, I should have written him a letter, and just, because he was great to me, but like, yeah, when the more time goes, you get like self-conscious about it.

You really fucking go, what the fuck am I doing? And you feel bad, and then some people hit me up on Facebook and I'll ask that number right away and I'll call them. Shit like that, I like to hear, like I haven't spoke to Rick Ramos. No? Six months and I'm like fuck,

I gotta call that motherfucker. We gotta talk about De Niro's new movie. Oh yeah. We gotta talk about shit. Every time I see Midnight Run, I'm like motherfucker. But I know he goes to bed early. He's in Arizona so if it's seven here,

it's five over there, right? I don't know what the fuck like I'll call him now like now is when I'll call Rick, you know I'm like now but there's just people I didn't talk to Simone for a long fucking time Wow, and then they call me in the afternoon and I'm surrounded and again you make a mental note call him later But you got no peace of mind till fucking mental note, call them later, but you got no peace of mind till fuckin' 7.30 and then your agent calls you from L.A. Cause they're on a different time zone. So when I leave the house at seven at night

when Japanese are on, it's to call them back. Because they're calling me while I'm watching world news or talking to my daughter or eating dinner. I'm like, I'm not gonna pick up the phone now. I'll call them and then I make all my little calls back to back to back to back. I'm surprised to hear you say that, because I get in my own head,

oh they don't wanna hear from me, it's been too long, but I wouldn't have expected you to be like that, to worry or doubt it. I like to check in with people. I like to keep people on their toes and say, hey how you doing, what's going on, and they're like like I didn't expect to hear from you. Oh nobody ever does That's the way you do it. You know, but Damon. I still talked I still talked to a lot of people Like I still talked to a lot of fucking people. I just talked to my buddy from Colorado. I've known him since 1984

tool them yesterday of them yesterday two of them yesterday Steve. Shavone text me and then Mike Robich I called Oh, he was on the podcast right? Yeah, yeah, that's been on the podcast couple of times So those guys, you know, it's just sometimes but I don't want I won't talk to Mike for a year Right, then he'll call me out of blue one night Then I'll call him a month later when I could talk more to him but I gotta call him at night because he's a wrestling coach. It's, life really goes by.

I mean, so like what was great about your week with Mercy? Like what was going on? Just, you know man, I say it on stage and I fucking talk about it in life that I didn't like LA Because I didn't think the parents talked to any of these fucking kids There's no way there's no fucking way that there was a gap in life there with parents for 20 years didn't say nothing to their Kids about what's right or what's wrong and they all ended up in LA

It's like I said on stage the other I that LA has like a pass to go in have you spoken to your dad recently not in 20 years get in there You know, yeah, you speak to your dad. Yeah every day, you know what met the fuck in California or Hollywood you met the fuck in So I wanted to just that's why I walked away from so many fucking things. I thought people call me every day to do a fucking I just Got a email from my agent to do a podcast and they don't get it Like we think you should do this. All right motherfucker you come over here You get in the car and drive an hour and it's 60 bucks for me to do a podcast. Yeah 6070 bucks no matter what tolls blah blah blah blah to do a podcast that Yeah. 60, 70 bucks, no matter what. Tolls, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. To do a podcast that I'm not really promoting in July or anything.

Right. I don't want to go over that. I'd rather go to a fucking workout. I get more from hitting the fucking, throwing air punches than driving for an hour, talking for two hours and getting back in the car and then it's an hour and a half of traffic. I really do. I had to simplify my life. I'm not young anymore. I really do, I had to simplify my life. I'm not young anymore, I don't have three hours to throw away, I could die at any fucking minute, I'm 62 years old. I could die at any fucking minute.

So can anyone though. Yeah, but no, your chances of dying and my chances of dying are slim and none. I guess. Unless you go back to Tel Aviv. Ha ha. I didn't tell you I'm going next week. Yeah, good. Have a good time.

Oh my God. No, but you know the odds are you, so now I look at my time like, what the fuck? Yeah. I don't have three hours to go up there and to talk to you about, so how was prison? Prison was great. Oh my God, it was great.

I can't, that's it. I wrote a book. Right. A book, read the book and do the podcast. Right. I just don't see it. I wrote a book right book read the book and do the podcast, right? I just don't see it do the podcast with the book. Yeah the book that's the book what Same shit, you're gonna ask me right? Yeah, I can see that I'm not gonna know you so but it's not going around the corner from my house anymore

No, it's three fucking hours eighty hours later And you know four hours of my fucking time. It got like that towards the end of LA. Oh, we opened up a studio in Marina Del Rey. Well, I'm not going down there. We do a podcast at three. That's great to know. I don't know what you're telling me.

I don't believe it at 11 a.m. You gotta get back on that 10 and that 405 at four o'clock. I don't wish that on me. I wouldn't do that to anybody. No. I would never, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I do a podcast at three in Marina Del Rey. Oh, don't worry about the 10 and the 405.

I wouldn't do that to people. No, but you have common decency. Yeah, I'm a common criminal. I'd have you come down at eight and we'd get something to eat or something. When there's no traffic, yeah. When there's no traffic. I'm not gonna make you come down at three

and that's what was going on, you know it. Everybody started getting studios in Marina Del Rey calling me up man. We need you on the park. It ain't gonna happen If it's not 11 o'clock, it ain't gonna happen. Even then you got a problem No, you might get a call with a cancellation because if I get up if I stay up till 2 or something There's nights I fucking last night went to bed at 950. Did you really? yeah, so I'm walking around at 415 in the morning Me and the cat he's she's looking at me. I'm looking at her for fucking mental support I go downstairs. I drink a nice tea. I fucking smoke some dope I watch Godfather Harlem for a fucking episode and I went back up at 6 in the morning

Oh you went back up to bed. Yeah, okay. I was ask, what are you doing all day from four o'clock? I die. Listen, by eight o'clock I'd be passed out from the reefer. Cause when you get up at six, I hit the fucking, when I get up at 435, I don't have to wait till 715 to get high. I just go downstairs, drink some water, and do two shots of that lung thing

to open up your lungs in the morning. Oh, the asthma inhaler? Yeah, and I go right to the morning. Oh the the asthma. Yeah And I go right to the garage. I don't even fuck you do an inhaler before you take a bomb hit fuck Yeah, open up the airwaves. What do you think? I'm stupid. Yeah, why should I do it after I get high? I guess you're right. Yeah, does it help? Yeah, I see the devil in the morning. Okay, they just gave me an inhaler Maybe I should try it that you should try everything you got look He did how many milligrams you tell me I have no idea last week. I hit you later

He was all over me later today Luckily George made a cheeseburger today to save me to save me if I do that shit with nothing in my stomach That's why I said get something. I'm the fucking doctor when it comes to show my here to kill you. Yes You are you just want to do the delayed kill. I'm just trying to take you to a different level of life, brother I love it. You know I'm saying but yeah, I'll get high as soon as I get up At 430 in the morning when I get up that means I'm tired, but something woke me up a train of thought Maybe I had a pee and I didn't pee and now I gotta pee even more and they fucking it's always something But one and I will give you credit,

the one thing that I think you're absolutely right, is that a lot of comics get freaked out. Cause I'll go to a show and I'll smoke a joint before, cause you have me on that, but no one will do it. But I think getting high after, it's gonna change it. Cause I had a great weekend in Albany, and I got high after my show, and I went back and watched, I got a camera weekend in Albany and I got high after my show and I went back and watch they got a camera

I like watched my sets. I got wrote like 15 new minutes just doing just getting high after the set was crazy It was awesome. Listen, we get high Before during and after that's true. Don't be rewriting the fucking who's really I didn't write the story. I didn't write it What's door? I'm just a soldier to what they told me to do who no one told you to do this. Lenny Bruce got high He's in heroin. Yeah, you want to do heroin before you go on stage. Yeah, kinda. Okay, I'll get some We already done heroin with you a little fucking tape. You got a little pukey Oh, and then you go on stage and crack all your Jewish stuff Just that tell them all about the missiles and shit. I can't tell them about that

They're gonna like Israel would kill me. That's fucking wild. Well anyway back to your conversation about your father I don't know we got off this fucking thing here. Well, yeah, it's you know, do you want to call? You know what? I'm gonna be honest and I'm probably see this When I when he blocked me, I was like, you know what, I'm gonna be honest, and you'll probably see this, when he blocked me, I was like, you know what, not really. And you know, he's getting older, I probably should, like Steve Simone gets mad at me sometimes, he's like, you gotta do it. I don't know, and it's, because I thought about you with your other daughter, and it's, you know,

I don't, it would be real shitty if he was gone, and that was the last time we spoke, but to have someone who's important to you, like just block you out of nowhere for something stupid, like I would understand if we got into a fight. It was just like, I'm gonna spend Valentine's Day with my girlfriend, I'll see you on Tuesday, and I found out I didn't find out he blocked me I got an email he took me off of his HBO and then oh yeah that way and I was like

what's going on here? I looked I tried to I tried to give him a call went to voicemail left him a voicemail and for like six months I didn't block him and then like I think he's six months to a year and I just blocked him and we'll find out and I'm sure I'm out of the will. Who knows, but. There's nothing left. It's fucking crazy.

He's down in Florida. But I mean like, yeah, it's a. I always liked him and he was a nice guy, but he was old, he was lonely, you know. And he was another version of me. He's never gonna be sober. You know, he's always up to something. The guys like that, they're always eating something, always.

Oh, he loved your edibles. That was- No, but he's always eating something. Yeah, he's always eating something. But the edible, yeah. But the edible is just, you know, so I don't know anymore. Listen, I don't know. Like, I haven't spoken to those people now.

I haven't spoken to my daughter. It's gotta be 20-something years. And I haven't spoken to my ex-wife since, I mean, before Mercy was born. Yeah, no, Mercy was born already, so it's been 12 years. I called, I pled my case. She laughed at me. I was like this fucking bitch I was like this motherfucker, you know, yeah, this is crazy Cuz you have both sides of it like you like you just said you had a great week with mercy. Everything is going perfect

But then like does it does it still get to you or at this point? Are you like, you know what doesn't even fucking matter anymore if you want me to? Lie to you It took me down for so long then now I'm on the other episode of the spectrum. Mm-hmm Like I hope she's healthy. I hope she's good, but that's it. There's nothing. What do you want me to do? What do you want to do here? Right even if even if I go over there or she comes over here. I gotta be honest with you, it's not gonna work. You don't think so?

No, and sometimes you should just leave well enough alone. Right. Because no matter how close we get, I'm still a man and I still have feelings. At one point I'm gonna say, what made you just not talk to me for fucking 25 years? And all of a sudden you show up now. So, I'm, you know, like you gotta,

and I have to make up, I have to not make up, I have to tell her my story. And if I tell her my story, that's a truth she never knew. And she'll understand, but I don't wanna do that. It's not important for me to do that. We're both set in our ways. We're both set in our lives Good luck to her I hope she never gets hit by a truck and I hope that she doesn't Hate me or doesn't want me to get hit by a truck. That's all I could wish for right now, right?

You know, whatever pain I had, you know what God threw me a fucking a 20 spot saying that, you know what? God threw me a fucking, a 20 spot. Every once in a while, God throws you a 20 spot and they cover the fucking damage and you're good. And it's like, it never fucking happened. It is, and it's like, cause like the first, the first couple years was rough. Like the first, the first like six months to a year

was really rough. And then it just, you know, I've been very lucky with a bunch of like great people in my life and It's like why am I? I'm not like as Stone as like not stone, but like as like confident as you are about it, but I'm like this far in it's like Why am I gonna like what do we can't just go back to normal now? No, that's not that's not gonna be possible That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so you just gonna slip in there like nothing happened.

Listen, let me get this out of the way right now. In my world, in the world I grew up in, in the way I grew up, I gotta be honest with you, and I know a lot of people are gonna be mad at me for saying this, family's fucking overrated. Family's sometimes fucking overrated. Sometimes they can help you blossom, or sometimes they can bring you the fuck down.

And we all know that. We've all seen both sides of the fucking coin. I'm sorry to say that. As I was growing up, I saw how my family treated my mother. I saw how my father's family treated my mother. And she would tell me they could all suck my dick Like I don't give a fuck about none of these peasants You know, and she was serious like I know she loved her brother

That's the only motherfucker. I know my mother loved I know she wasn't too I know she was crazy about Nana her mother the father I wasn't too sure about but But the brothers and the sisters. You know, my mother did something. She stuck up for her sister. My sister, my aunt got raped and my mom stabbed the little guy and half the family turned on her. And for years they talked shit about her.

So my mom said, really? No, you motherfuckers can go fuck themselves. And then when she came to the States and started making money, they would hit her up. And she would tell them rightuckers can go fuck themselves. And then when she came to the states and started making money, they would hit her up. And she would tell them right out, you go fuck yourself. And hang up the fucking phone. So she kinda taught me that as we were growing up.

I still remember her going off on my father's mother. Why? Right in the fucking house in New York. I must have been seven. And as we were walking out, she's like, you're not gonna see this lady again. I go, I hope not. And that was the end of my grandmother.

I never saw my grandmother after that. She died maybe 10 years later. I never went back over there. I went over there one time and she started going off on my mom and I was like, oh shit. And I'm like, my mom was gonna deck this bitch. And sure enough, my mom started calling her a fucking cunt

and then a fucking pussy husband, her pussy son was dead. Oh my God. She's like, you're not gonna pussy fight my son because they always, like they made my mom move in with them so she could learn the recipes he liked. And my mother was not that type of bitch. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying like he eats what I cook You know saying so when I went over there my mother put like jeans on me or something soon as I walk in the door

They're from Spain. They think this shit don't stick. She was Spain. She wasn't Cuban Okay, she started with the sneakers the pants you look dirty and my mom said time out. You little fucking cunt fuck and unloaded on her. And we walked out together and she's like, you want to come back over? And I'm like, not really. And that was the end of my grandmother. That was how quick that went down. And then my mother died.

And then I Realized something that was more important that your blood family. It's the street family Uh-huh, cuz I look at all you guys is blood. I don't look at you guys as fucking you know, he's my friend You guys are blood. That's why I don't I get mad when you ask me about That's why if it was some guy I'm many gone that pushed it on me, but it's you You know some rockler all the self good for you. It's high in new China Leave me the fuck alone, but that's why I get so angry. Yeah, I can see that you know That's why I get so angry people so for me My street brothers have been and I have street brothers that'll say hey, man

I gotta tell you something. You're more of a brother to me than my own blood brothers. And it feels different. And that's the thing with me, I have a lot of people that they should have told, I have like 10 friends that should have told their family to go fuck themselves a long time ago. Yeah, and it feels good when, it sucks, but it feels good.

Tell your family to go fuck themselves. Tell them to go fuck themselves. This ain't gonna work no more because once you tell your family to go fuck themselves They know you're not playing It's very important that you look at all of them that includes your mother from time to time Because they'll take you to the cleaners to they'll drive you crazy Oh, not your mom or your dad, but like cousins or whatever you gotta pull them aside. Go is the deal? No Right. No, you're gonna take me down with this stupidity I'm not your mom or your dad but like cousins or whatever you gotta pull them aside. Here's the deal No Right. No, you're gonna take me down with the stupidity. I Think yeah, I mean honestly there's

There's so many people it's so weird the craziest thing that I for dating for me for like all my girlfriends The way that a lot of parents talk to their daughters is fucking wild. Like they talk, every, dude, almost every girlfriend I've had, their parents like make comments about their weight. Like it's like, and, but then they'll like, they'll feed them.

And like, as they're giving like the dish, they'll be like, oh, you know, like they call it Gorda or like do crazy shit. And it's like family, I don't know. You never, you ever work at a place and you know like the caller Gorda or like do crazy shit and it's like Family I don't know you never you ever work at a place and you start at the bottom And even though you move up they still see as the bottom Yeah, I feel like that's how family is like they remember you as that dumb kid who shit the pet the bed or like You know, whatever they did at the other side of spectrum. I know people who have great families. Oh amazing Yeah, I part of my family's great. I know people have fucking great families

I know people got but after a while as you start getting old as you start getting old. Yeah, look at your family go What's gonna happen when there's money about? Because what tears up a family more than that shit Some stupid fucking envelope and that's what you have to start looking at as you get old like what am I gonna do? That's why all these musicians wait if they sell their rights 500 million dollars, you think they want to sell them? No but they don't want the bullshit that comes after when they die and Everybody's gonna go to war with that money now. We know what we're getting

There's no more bullshit. Did you see Quincy Jones? He's giving them each $81 million. Damn. To his eight kids, $81 million fucking dollars. So everybody knows and there's no fucking drama. There's always something with family. There's always something with them. And for me, I didn't have the, like for me, I just didn't have it.

Like when my mother died, I had my uncle in California. He's like, you come live with me. In California, I'm growing up here. What good to me is fucking California. You know, oh, move the fuck in Miami. That's what I wanna do is move down to fucking Miami. I'm just getting fucking hot and bothered in North Bergen. The worst thing in your life happening,

you have to move across the country. And then, dog, I remember like 84. My mother was dead five fucking years and I'm in California my uncle goes let's call Cuba and they're all yelling at me on the phone but what like what happened to you you never called us for what I'm out here fighting these motherfucking demons by myself what are you bitches gonna do for me 300 miles away not a thing right not a thing what What am I gonna talk to you for about? What what do you want to talk about my strategy for the day?

Survive fuck do you want to talk about right dude? This is the first time I think ever that I even heard about your dad's had in the family like you your dad's mom. I Mean, I don't remember a lot of the church so it's possible but no I don't remember ever hearing about no That was done done when it started Wow, no reason to tolerate that shit. I'm not taking it from friends. I'm not taking it from family and Now like I don't even Couple years ago fucking some idiot popped up on Facebook Saying that he was my half brother.

And some other idiot from North Bergen actually believed him and gave him my number. Oh no. Without calling me. I'm at Jimmy Florentine's watching a football game and this guy's phone rings, I think it's my sister or my fucking good cousins, and it's my half step brother. I didn't even know you had a half step brother I didn't know you had a you think I did it was a fucking surprise to me too oh no gee how did he get rid of him I told him I was watching the Jets he

called and I'm like hey man he's like I don't know if you know about me. My dad, your dad, our dad was married to my mom first and then something happened, they broke up and then my dad met your mom and they had you and I never saw him again and all this shit. And I went to prison in Cuba, I have the same story as you and he was calling around to see if he'd get sponsored. Because they had a new sponsor system out of Cuba. Well you have to put your bank account up, money up, no.

No. That's pretty ballsy. You want, you need 500 to get up here, I'll give it to you. You need a basement, I'll put you on this couch right here but I'm not sponsoring nobody. I don't need none of you fucking Cuban criminals coming up here stabbing something I got to do time at 64. No, no, no

Oh like it's that serious like that you're basically signing up bail for him like he called me first to feel me out And I was like listen, this is all great and Danny can we talk about this during the week? It's Sunday at 2 o'clock, right? You know first I'm here. They're fucking 2 o'clockclock I'm like, you know, and then he never called me and then my uncle called me like a week later He was listen all your cousins are calling now because they want to get There's a new type of sponsorship and they tried to get me to do it They asked me for my bank account and I told him it looks like you're gonna stay in Cuba I'll send you money. I'll send you a lifeline, but I'm not giving you my fucking bank account.

No, you can't risk, you have too much going on. No, I'm not doing any of that stuff. I got a daughter. That's all I give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? I can't, I just can't. Did having mercy make you change your mindset? Is that when your mindset started to change?

About? About all these other people. A family had called 20 years ago and you had a little bit of money. What is it, the fact that you have a family that- Listen, if you know anything about me, I'll help anybody. But there's a difference between helping and counting. Okay?

You know, that's it. That's it. If any of my friends call me and say, listen, I got hit by a car last night. My fucking engine flew out or something like that. I'm more prone to help you than, oops, what a coincidence, what causes now? You know what I'm saying? My name's DSU. Oops, what a coincidence. You know, he didn't ask for money. He just wanted to see if I take the papers for sponsorship

And I told him I have my own problems. I don't have no fucking passport, right? I'm not really legal and not legal, you know, I told you I went to that UFC last week I didn't tell you guys the whole fucking story of what I went through mentally No story of what I went through mentally. No. Because I went to the UFC and I fucking ate the edibles and I sat there and I went through my pocket. I had a little baggie with maybe a gram, did I tell you this last week? With maybe a gram of mushrooms.

Right. Maybe. It was the bottom of enigmas. And I took half and I ate them but as I was eating them I realized I'm in the fucking front row, on camera with a baggie in my fucking hand. And I'm like, they're gonna throw me under the fucking jail. And finally I started getting high on everything,

and I noticed when I would sit back that there was a fucking agent looking at me, just at me, like locked eyes. And she had another agent that was just looking. It was a woman with white hair that was cute and another partner that was a white dude. And they were looking at me like pins. So now, in my THC paranoia and in the mushroom paranoia,

I'm thinking I fucked up, they saw the mushroom bag, but not only that, I gave them my social security number and my background Information why because that's what I needed to give them before I went to the UFC cuz Trump was the president Oh shit, they did that. Yes. Holy shit So now I'm sitting there going I'm going to fucking jail tonight Everybody thought I was looking at Kyle Harrison's ass. I'm like, I'm going to fucking jail. They're just waiting for me to get up. And then one time I asked the guy,

I gotta go to the bathroom. He goes, you don't wanna go over there. Come to the back. And he pulled me and I had to walk past those people. Dog, they did everything but sniff me. They knew I was on something. They were like looking at me the whole way. I'm like, God damn it.

They gotta fucking arrest me. And he's like, no, no, no, no. Because it was Rogan's handler. And he's ex, you know, I'm like, god damn it. They gotta fucking arrest me, and he's like, no, no, no, no, because it was Rogan's handler. And he's ex, you know, whatever the fuck he is, he's like, no, I know that lady, she's not gonna do nothing to you. I was scared the whole night that I was gonna get up to leave and they were gonna go,

Mr. Diaz, we need to talk to you. Did you even know you had, like, did you bring mushrooms to the UFC, or did you just forget that you had mushrooms in your pocket? No, I brought them, I brought them to have a good time. I'm going to have a good time. I don't listen. I didn't bring mushrooms to purposely take. Okay. I took them just in case I bump into somebody and the party's starting. I want to be there.

Yeah, but then it didn't but then you didn't bump in anybody just took all of them? No, I took like half the bag and it hit me a little bit. Oh, yeah, that's it. Did the mushrooms get you anxious? Is that why you were freaking out? I think it was both in my anxiety and my paranoia. But I sat there half the night going, I fucked up. These motherfuckers are gonna arrest me. They got me, yeah.

I don't think it would have mattered on pay-per-view. On ESPN, maybe they would have been upset. No, everything. It's not pay-per-view, it's not ESPN. I'm worried about it. It's mushrooms, it's a half a gram. They're gonna give me a pay per view, it's not ASPN, I'm worried about it, it's mushrooms, it's a half a gram, they're gonna give me a tickle and smack it. That's not what I'm worried about.

I'm worried about them taking my real social security fucking number. Okay. That's what I'm worried about. Oh. I'm not worried about the mushrooms, you fuck. Oh, I thought it was the mushrooms. I'm worried about them picking me up with ice.

I told you, last week I didn't take the garbage out, I took it out today for the first time, okay? I don't need this shit in my life. They don't know, I don't take the garbage out. I did it today for the first time. Okay. I don't need this shit in my life They don't know I don't fucking know right listen when I was one day. I went snooping upstairs When we lived in giving that terrace, I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm maybe nine. I go snooping upstairs and This is little fucking box that you open up and it's got like it's supposed to be for perfumes But my mother used it for pictures and I wanted one of the things and I took it out and it was This piece of black paper

Black paper George like this this this black paper with white lettering. So there was my birth certificate from Cuba Oh shit. Okay, and they said Jose Antonio Diaz and all this shit. Baba. Baba. Baba My father was a waiter, which he wasn't. I don't know why it said waiter on there. And something else is a bunch of bullshit from Cuba. And I took that birth certificate as a kid. And I had it. And then I think when I went to get my driver's license,

a little after that, I lost it. So that's 1980, 81. I lose my fucking birth certificate. And I don't have a birth certificate for years and then throughout the years I lose my fucking Driver's license. I just lost a car and I had no ID in those days You didn't need a fucking ID to fly now. I got to Colorado. I Went to get a job. They're like you need a license so security card and a birth certificate I'm like, are you fucking kidding me?

And my friend goes, you get your birth certificate, just call and send it whatever it is, box 25, what is it, zip code 100002, you know, you send it and they send you a birth certificate. I'm like, how would they have my Cuban birth certificate? Like, I'm like, I'm gonna get a letter from them going, Joey, we don't have birth certificate. It came in the mail.

And it was brand new and completely different than what was said on the other one. There was no lettering, there was no waiters, there was nothing. It just said, Jose Antonio Diaz, born February 1963, some hospital, and it was a seal and everything from New York I go I'll take it I'm not gonna ask I'm not gonna start nothing then I had to make a copy of that send it back to get my social security card yep I got my license but that's how I did it but I never knew so

I don't really know so you don't want to so when I was a kid all my mother told me was yeah You were born in cuba cuba cuba, but when I went to la in 85, my uncle's like, oh You're born in new york and i'm like What the fuck and so you don't even know you're not even really sure. I don't know damn Why would your mom who do you who do you think is right? She drank mannequins would be eight for breakfast Every day if she missed breakfast she put a raw egg in it. Oh

You know beer with the orange is, you know, uh tomato juice That's fucked up Yeah, I might believe your uncle Fuck I don't fucking know So, I don't know It's secret service when they look you up. They don't look up you up for fucking jaywalking Yeah, but I don't if the secret service was there they don't like let you wait like they they'll just tackle you no

We're not gonna tackle me to you. I'm serious. We're getting tackled Tackle me. They're gonna come over and say we need to have a word with you real quick outside in the gazebo Walk out there with them and there's two other cars listen We found some problems in your birth certificate and we like to take you to whatever that that's what I thought was gonna happen in My mind. Yeah, that's how I live take you to whatever that that's what I thought was gonna happen in my mind. Yeah That's how I live. I live like that that Like the worst is gonna happen. No that fucking ice is gonna come get me any fucking day now I'll be out that day. You have to get yourself a chubby white chick to come out there and save me I was bang on the bus. Oh, son

Where a flag a Cuban flag out there half Jew half Cuban and bang on the bus, Jose Antonio, Jose Antonio. Wear a flag, a Cuban flag out there, half Jew, half Cuban. I'll get Israel on the case. You get Israel on the case, forget about it. That would suck if that happened. Well yeah, I'm scared to pieces every fucking day. It's funny, I was just telling, I went to, George and I went to a party on Saturday,

and Dave the cop was there, and I was talking to Dave, and I was telling Dave, he asked me a question about something, I go, Dave, right after I robbed Kent Bella, rest in peace. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Right after I robbed Kent Bella, maybe like two months ago,

I was watching the show, I'm out on bail, and I'm watching a stupid show at night about a guy that went to a dance in high school and Got into an argument with another guy the guy hit him with a bottle But he took the guy and bit his fucking hero damn like in 1950 fucking night at a dance he lived in like

Somewhere close like Idaho and he went home when he told his parents and his parents were scared for him so they flew him to an aunt's house in like Cleveland and he went to Cleveland he finished high school he went to college got this high school his college degree married his high school sweetheart fucking fucking had kids, became a pillar in this community, lived under an alias for 35 fucking years, and one day he was cooking and he cut his hand, and he went to the hospital and they ran a background check

and they threw him in fucking jail. They were gonna fucking throw him in jail for 20 years, but then the big argument was, hey, he's been in the community for 35 fucking years without even getting a J-ticket, a fucking J-walking ticket. So you ended up doing like three years, you know? I always remembered that story. Of course.

I always, when I got in trouble, the guy at the Hertz then kept saying, my buddy owns a Costa Rica one, we'll get you down there and you can get in the management program, we'll change your number, you'll change your name and I'm like, man, I can never come back to the United States. No.

Like I can never, you know. Thank God you didn't do it. Did you feel the urge to do it at all? Were you like, oh, may that, you know what, maybe. No, cause I knew the deal. And I'm lucky I didn't because I got sentenced in August and that September, America's Most Wanted came out. I don't know if you would have August and that September America's most wanted came out. I Don't know if you would have been on America's most wanted. I'm just saying you dumb fuck

No, you don't have to kill so you don't have to kill somebody being America's most right They could always call you if it's a fucking fraudulent check and you keep doing it right and if they have a hard time Catching somebody don't put you on America's Most Wanted even if it's for fucking selling drugs Jesus if they have like four or five years and they can't and you're fucking with them like in and out of their neighborhood and shit then they'll go fuck it if they know you're around if they're getting reports don't put you on America's Most Wanted or local stations America's Most Wanted the boot ones, because now most towns have them. They do?

I haven't seen those. Yeah, you're watching the news, all of a sudden it's like, have you seen this man? And it's like, he's not wanted for burglary, halitosis, whatever else he's got. Well, and it would've, like, you know, me, I'm a pussy. I would've, like, jail would freak me out.

But I can imagine, like, if you, let's say you did bail and, like, run away before your case. Like, it's not like you would have had a relaxing life at the Hertz and the Dominican Republic. It would have been like a fuck- No. You would have been depressed. No.

I know a guy now that can't come to Jersey. He's been gone for 30 years. He left a little before me, maybe 35 years. Is he still in the country? Oh, yeah Okay, he just can't come back to Jersey Just Jersey does it fuck with him? Yeah He had to turn it into something else to make it easier for him right

You know, you're not wanting to go back to Jersey is one thing. You not allowed to go back to Jersey. That's another thought. That's fucking crazy. I could say to you, I hate Jersey. I'm sick of the tolls. I'm sick of fucking, you know, not having money at the tolls. Now they want to send me a fucking bill.

You know, you can do whatever the fuck you want, but when they don't let you in, that's completely different. Yeah, and who doesn't wanna come back home when you're 65 years old to see your friends, you know? I think only like one friend, two friends have visited him in 30 years. I've seen him, because he comes to my shows in Austin and Houston and shit, but it's weird. That's a weird fucking life, life man to have, you know?

But in the contrast to that, I'm asking you about this now. What about a person without a warrant that comes from another country like the people in LA last week? And again, I'm not political, but I want you to think about this. What if you came to this country and you're hardworking, you didn't rape nobody, you didn't sell drugs,

you're not in violation with the cartel, and you get a job, your wife works, you raise your kids, maybe they got a scholarship to UFC, they came and scooped your ass up last week. Just for being illegal. What's the argument there if you're a politician? Because again, you haven't done nothing in 37 years, so what the fuck?

You didn't have one week to go get your American sip? They make it hard. Oh, they make it really fucking hard. And it's like for someone who's too dumb to be political, like the criminals and stuff yet get them out of here and even then also like I got like you're right there are a lot of people who do it the right way and and you should do it the right way but if you've been here and you know trying to do things or even if you're not trying

to be a citizen but you you have a job at a farm. You have, who really cares? Like that, it is, I see both sides of it. And like to hear, and I know you're being funny, but like to hear that you're like scared must suck. Oh no, that I'm being funny about. Right, right. But you really gotta think about it. Yeah.

Like they could make mistakes. Oh yeah, it's so easy to make a mistake. I mean listen, if one of them picked me up, one's gonna go, no, no, no, no. I've seen them on Joe Rogan. He's okay. One of them, I hope, would say, no, that's not the guy. I've seen him on Joe Rogan.

Let's call the police. Let's make sure. Let's double check. Let's take his fingerprints. But it seems like they're grabbing everybody, which is like, it's. But here's the funny thing. I don't know if anybody of you guys saw this.

The New York Times put a thing on the other day about Rubio's father. No. That he was here illegally, the funny thing, I don't know if anybody of you guys saw this, the New York Times put a thing on the other day about Rubio's father. No. That he was here illegally, the whole thing, and now Rubio's part of it. Let me tell you something, okay? There's still Cubans here, right where we go eat. Right down there, that have been here 40 years,

and they're still walking around. Do you think they're nervous? Or they're so hidden? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe, what are you gonna do, take them back to Cuba? They're 90 already, they don't give a fuck. And the thing that would freak me out, and because I see, I follow two people on Instagram

right now, Alfred Rob and and Jesus trejo like Jesus was gonna shoot a special he had to delay it and it's like it does like the part that would scare me and it's like this is like white privilege is like what if You're a hundred percent of citizen or you have like a green card and like you are trying to do things the right way Like I would feel nervous as like a Spanish person that they're just gonna come grab me no matter what. No matter what. No matter what. That must be a shitty way to feel.

You have to have a little bit of fear if you have brown skin right now. You could be walking down the street going to buy a fucking pastelito and all of a sudden a fucking guy pulls up with a car with a hook. And these motherfuckers, dog, it's like when you bomb on stage,

they have that hook and they pull you in and you're like wait one more joke. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Right. And they come up with Subarus. Oh no. They're pulling up with lesbian cars. They're tricking you with the Subarus?

They're not those black cars, they're not anything. They're fucking slick, quick, and bad to the bone. They execute those things. You don't even know where it hit you. You're talking no, no say, no say and they're walking into the car, they execute those things, you don't even know where he at. You're talking, no, no, say it, no, say it, and they're walking into the car, and they're okay. Well, it doesn't matter. And yeah, we'll go down to the station and sort it out.

Tell it to the judge, motherfucker! Oh my God. Dude, it's getting crazy out there for like every, we joke about the bombs in Israel But on both sides imagine imagine if there were rockets. Oh, I ran was fucking them up this afternoon Fucking them up Israel was like we don't but Israel ain't Israel's rope would open them right now Israel's about to drop The big one is did you know like red fox you still we say I got the big one Elizabeth

Yeah, it's coming Elizabeth that I feel the big one, you know like Red Fox used to always say I got the big one Elizabeth? It's coming Elizabeth, did I feel the big one? They just rope a dope right now, taking little punches, yeah you blew up Tel Aviv, okay. Okay, I mean, listen if you think the pager plot was brilliant, did you see how they did this last one? They did a commotion and got them all together and within a split fucking second they bombed them when they were all there that's fucking intelligence to the fucking max they know everything yeah gotcha man they

gotcha I mean if you thought the page it was brilliant they tested the page and to make sure that if you blew up the person next to you wouldn't blow up. The kindness of the Jews never seems to amaze me. Often overlooked, yeah. Often overlooked, you're absolutely right. The kindness of the Jews. But this blow up, when they got everybody together, and just fucking pulled the trigger. When they were all together, yelling and screaming,

what are we gonna do? He got the nuclear people, he got the fucking heads of the thing. I mean At least not crying them. There was no babies in that room You know I'm saying why people would have been oh there was a baby in the room But it does I get I did sometimes when I get high I get freaked out like just even being in the city now Like if I was saying like if anyone's gonna drop a bomb anywhere in the country New York is top three?

Like, between DC, New York, and LA, there's a good chance of a bomb getting dropped. Like, it's just something we have to live with now. They already dropped a bomb in LA, it was called that fire. Yeah. And nobody has said a word about that fire ever again. It's like the riots, as soon as Israel bombed Iran, we're leaving LA.

It's just that one Mexican with the flag bothering people. That poor bastard. The flag was bigger than him. He was out there. He looked like one of Columbus's guys on the boat that was pushing the sails, you never saw that guy? Oh yeah. But anyway, it's nice to see you, Lee. Nice to see you, buddy. If I guess the last two weeks pushing the sails you never saw that guy oh yeah but anyway it's nice to see you Lee nice to see you buddy I guess the last two weeks

the whole thing where you at Nick this week this week on Thursday the 19th I met the shortstop bar and grill in Westfield and I got shows coming up at the end of the month I'm doing a surprise show on the 19th must damn so oh yeah Thursday night you better kiss yourself fuck yeah do you know what do you want to announce? Where it's it's gonna be surprised. I'm just gonna announce it Thursday morning. Not even I'm gonna announce it Thursday at 6 Oh, that's badass like Prince and the revolution didn't you know I'm saying That's so I don't care three people show up. Although they'll be running. It'll be like smoke weed there, too So I'm gonna oh, yeah

Man, that's what I'm looking to do now a show we could smoke a joint the whole audience and fucking uncle Joey Not everybody's joint your own joints bring your own fucking shit. Oh my god You're not touching my joint with your fucking flu. COVID lip, you know I'm saying That's so cool. I'm mad. I'm gonna be gone now. Where you gonna be? I have to go back to Boston for a couple days We'll go take care of mom. Then the following week we're at the fucking Dojo on Thursday. Oh yeah.

And straight to NJ pack on Friday night. That's crazy, I'm getting ready for it. Hell yeah, and I'm gonna get my tooth. You won't see me in July, and then my fucking. Oh is that when they're fixing everything? Everything. Nice. The other side.

They're putting braces on for a few weeks so it looks like I have teeth. It's going to be a lot of fun. You know what I'm saying? NJ Pack is going to be pretty fucking cool. You know what's going to be cool? The dojo. I love you motherfuckers. I love the dojo.

With all my heart and soul, we will see you next Tuesday. Yes sir. Tip Top Motherfucking Magoo, stay black. Hey beautiful people, Uncle Joe here. Listen, the summer's coming, I gotta talk to you about something. If you're having trouble getting it up and getting it on when you want to,

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