Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Were Playing For Keeps In 2026

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

Happy New Year from Joey and Lee! Joey talks motivation in the new year, the reason he stays out of prison, and much more! SHOW NOTES Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now & press in code JOEY @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/ For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/CHURCH

Kick this motherfucker, Meal Lee. What's happened, you savages? Welcome to another fun-filled episode of the Church of What's Happen in our New Testament. Becky's not here. We got my old man, Cato back from fucking his part-time honeymoon, and we're ready for a whole new year. What's up, dog? Dude, I had a great, great week.

I did something that I've only heard people do, and it actually worked, and I can't believe I did it. What'd you do? When I checked into the hotel, I slipped the guy. a hundred bucks and he gave me a much like a huge room he gave me credit to use at the hotel i thought i thought i thought they were going to make fun of me i thought they were like i and i like i was fumbling and with it the whole i had it like i had the hundred bucks out with me in line and at first i was going to slip up between the id and the credit card but he just wanted the id so i just gave him the id and then when i

gave him the credit card i said hey it's our honeymoon anything you could do would be great and he upgraded us to like a suite with a balcony it was awesome and he gave me i gave him a hundred bucks and he gave me that. He sent chocolates up to the room, and he gave me $150 in credit. So I made money on it. That was the coolest thing. I felt like such a douche, but also like the coolest thing I've ever done. When I go on vacation, when I go on the road, I make sure it's stopping the bank.

Okay. And I get like $200, maybe $300 and just $50. Because $100 is too much to give somebody. Right. It works. I'll give, you know, I always give about $100. But on vacation, those $50 bills, people lose their $1. fucking mind. Oh my God. You know, and listen, man, it's the old adage, money talks and bullshit

walks. You know, there was a time when I was growing up in New York City that if you had a reservation, right, you're going to this restaurant. This is 30, 40 years ago. You're going to a restaurant. Even though if you had a reservation, if you didn't hand that fucking matriety, a 20, a 30, he'd send you to the bar. Even though there'd be tables open, you'd be sitting at the bar for two fucking hours. Yeah. Just give him the fucking 50 bucks. Get the nicest table.

You make his day. And, you know, and some people like, I don't understand how that works. It works. I didn't. And who knows? I don't, it might not have worked. And I wanted to do it the rest of the trip because I got a, this was like an eye opening trip to Vegas for me.

It has completely changed, but it's, like, I can see why you, what you don't want to, it's nothing but standing in line the entire time. even when I had a reservation at a restaurant You have to stand in line And get to the front And then like get to another line Was the other restaurants Are the restaurants that busy?

Some of them were Some of them were pretty busy We were there I think Thursday Some more fucking lamb lentil nachos Since you like those so much Or did you get the cauliflower Fucking tacos

At the Mexican joint Do I have any lamb or cauliflower This? I don't think I did Nobody fucking served That junk in fucking Vegas I did go. We went to Cesar's has a really nice buffet with like crab legs and all like all that stuff.

So we did that. And I ate so much meat that like I started. You ever like get a little bit lightheaded from eating? Like I started to sweat on the way back. It was. No, it was not. It was at Cesar's. It was a nice one.

That don't, the buffet. It's a fucking buffet. You fucked up yet again. I did not fuck. It was a good one. And then you go to a fucking buffet like a port of a one. First of all. It never ends.

That shit food in the buffet. Oh, no. At Caesar, it was nice. Oh, yeah, right.

You don't want to have crab legs and lomp they had everything. Bresket steak, no, you don't want it, nothing? That crab leg is from Lake

fucking Habesu. Okay? You eat one of those crab legs, you glow in the dark for two fucking weeks. Oh. Hey, that helped me.

I thought they closed all the buffet. No, but they, we did, like, I walked over, we walked for a second over to, like,

some of the new ones, like the font and blue was empty. It was nice. Resorts world was empty, but nice. But we went to like circus, like the crappy ones,

those were not good. Those were, those were a little bit rough. That's rough in that, though. Those little, on the other side of casino, on the other side of that strip,

that's not Bueno. No. That's not fucking Bueno at all. I remember years ago, I used to do, whatever that fucking thing was. Oh, scared. Scared tactics.

We used to shoot in Vegas. Okay. So we would shoot off the strip. And we put us in a hotel, really, I mean, it wasn't like, it was like a best western or something. Right. It was good for them. It was really nice.

Down the corner was the place where you got the steak and eggs for a dollar 95. Oh, shit. Three eggs, steak, potatoes. I actually wanted that one. Of course. Because I wanted to fucking see the hype. I ate the eggs, but I didn't touch the steak. I was going to say.

You know, but there were 300 people in that motherfucker having a good time with that stuff. thinking they were at fucking Mortonth and Willinsky fucking high five and his shit on the way of the bathroom to shit blood with that meat. That meat, you're back to eating lizard meat.

I am not back to eating lizard meat. Between the fucking lab nachos and the fucking lizard. That was lizard meat. That was no lamb. They sliced it nice and thin. Just for you. No one else, I don't even know

what you're talking about. No one else had lamb nachos but you. I thought it was just a dish for you. I saw, I smelled the lamb and I fucking hit the door. That's it. No lamb. So many people called me. Like, oh, it was Danny Braff called me.

He's like, I ordered lamb in front of Joey once. And he gave me shit too. What is? Delicious. Who eats lamb? Everybody eats lamb. I've been to dinner with you 200 times. And we don't know, take me to places with lamb.

Because there's a reason. There's a third world fucking nation and shit. They bring in a goat or something like that. There's so many shit lamb in America. You know, rat of lamb is delicious. Let me ask you a question. What's up? You said so.

something earlier before the podcast about Vegas. You said it changed a lot. Oh, yeah. And you said that they tried to charge you 100 bucks to set up the fucking sportsbook. Dude, that was the lowest price. So, like. The one we went to one and 250 that day. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They wanted 250 for us to sit at the fucking sports book without, and to eat fried fucking. Yeah, chicken fingers. Oh, yeah. They wanted, when I started going to Vegas in 2011, parking was free. like valley parking was free and you could go around and have a good

I haven't been to Vegas in a while like years they wanted to sit in the back 100 bucks a person to sit in the front it was 200 a person and it didn't go towards your your beverages and now this was nice this was the Caesars we also like we gambled it

we went to Haras we went to the Flamingo a little bit the shitty ones are but there's not even really a sports book anymore I heard they don't give you cocktails while you gamble Some of them do But there's far and few people You know what I didn't see them I didn't see them really in the thoughts

A little bit at the table games But you're not getting any Like this guy was playing craps with Was drinking rum and coke's all night And all he did was go pee Like there was no there's no rum in it It's just all coke But it was yeah Vegas

I have like especially like Every time I come to Jersey You're with like draft kings You can do blackjack all the stuff on your phone. If you're going to Vegas to gamble, there's no reason. For anyone who actually likes blackjack, it's a better blackjack game on draft games. They use the decks.

You don't have to have the automatic shuffler. They give you a better payout for blackjack. To gamble on the strip in Vegas, a lot of, like Friday and Saturday night, it was like a minimum $50 a hand or a roll. It's a lot. It was a crazy and it was a lot of fun, but it was definitely, it was definitely dead, which I wasn't expecting. I thought it was going to be busy.

It was, there were, there were people there. But not when we were used to go and walk the fucking things and people. It's the winter too. It's the how it was a little cold, but New Year's. Fucking New Year's. Apparently it rained on New Year. We went up to, this is, this is, I've been saving this because I know you're going to torture me. And they love that.

So I'm old and we didn't really want to like party in Vegas. So we flew out there on Tuesday. And we went, we drove up to Zion National Park in Utah, which is beautiful. But like the room we rented was like right in the canyon. It was like right outside. It was like all this. It was beautiful. But it was like a like a nice tent pretty much had bed, had it had fire, everything.

But there was no, the wall only went up. like three quarters of the way to the bathroom. So like if you took a, if I took, I had to like send her outside and, like the canyon to take it. It was not like a honeymoon sort of place. Because if you took a shit, it was going to get ruined.

It was not good. Did you ever, did you ever stay in a tent, anything like that? No. No. I'm not Ali Baba. I'm not 40 fucking themes.

I literally have 40 fucking themes do you know? Oh. Listen, I like camping. Yeah. There's got to be a shower, you know. Oh, there's a year. They got to be things like that.

Listen, Lee, I don't know what you do anymore. I don't know what you do anymore. At least you didn't come back with a sty. No, thank God. No, it was a nice one. This motherfucker, every time he goes away. But it's funny, you said that because I thought about the little joint I took. Okay.

Listen, I don't take those girls anywhere. Every once in a while, you got to take him something. You know, they do shit on their own. and stuff. I hate these three weeks, like I've said before. These three weeks are brutal. Even today. You know, Monday, yesterday, I woke up ready to stab a motherfucker.

And there ain't nobody a stab. Now they're all home. Like, there ain't nobody a stab. Like, nobody's picking up the phone. Nobody knows nothing. They're all retarded, you know. And that's what burns me up. Like, that's what I don't like about this time of the year.

So people, it's not that I don't like Christmas. I love Christmas. I got a kid. I love fucking around with it. But it's those three weeks. I can't. And I live down there. It's either go to the gym, go eat lunch, and then you're done until 7 o'clock.

There ain't nothing going on. I take a nap. You know, I write. This weekend I cleaned. You cleaned? I had to. I had to my office, the fucking garage. You know, I got boxes in my office.

shit that you have no idea. Do you do it sober or you take a bunch of edibles? I'm just, no, I get stoned and I just get, you know, I looked around the room and I'm like, this shit's got a gut. Okay. I took, I had like 10 boxes of shirts that don't fit me. Why do people always send you shirts? Mediums and smalls.

What the fuck? Try to take them out and then crush the boxes along with the Christmas boxes. I vacuum that back. You know, I got to paint that room. I don't like the green. I've never felt comfortable in that off. It's just a room. It's not my fucking office. I need to get a couch in there and get a fucking record player because I gave my record play to my daughter upstairs. Oh, you did? Okay. She likes it upstairs. So I put it up there for her. So I got to do something else downstairs. That's what I did. I mean, you want to start the year off, like clean. Like at midnight, I got home and I did a Cuban thing. I fucking got water and I put Kakaria in it. And I put some of Terry's cologne and I fucking hit the stairs and to clean all this shit. from last year.

What's Kakaria? La Chariya is a powder. It comes in a rock. And it looks like cocaine. I was going to say, it sounds like you're describing cocaine. And you use it for different things. It cleans and shit like that.

So I did all that stuff. You know, I threw away fucking notebooks. I had these notebooks from 2018. Enough. I ain't going to use those jokes no more, you know. I wish you didn't throw over. I want to start like a Joey Diaz, like presidential library. I like to say, the fact that you have these notebooks going back decades is crazy to me.

Well, if you don't know your past, you won't know your future, especially when it comes to stand-up. You know, I started working out with a guy. Okay. After the, my last, that weekend, before I went into the hospital the last time in October, it was a rough weekend. It was a rough weekend emotionally because I got to fight with a good friend of mine. And my wife got into a misunderstanding with the guy that was training us. Okay. And she told me on Friday night.

So thank God I had control two days to think about how I was going to handle it. And when I called them, you know, I called them and I called them out on it. And okay, I apologize. Didn't matter. But I started training with a new guy. And today, as I was walking, he goes, I got to show you something. This guy had every workout now to wait until you. used the amounts, the reps, and he showed me, he goes like right here, you got so much stronger.

Here, you got so much, you know, because it's a 12-week chart. Right, he can see what you were doing. So he shows you everything. And I was blown the fuck away. I was blown the fuck away that he had kept those records. You know, I look at those notebooks to see what my state of mind was, how much comedy I was doing at the time, how much money I was, because everything was written in those books. Right.

Whether I bombed, I did good, I tried a new joke, I got 50 bucks, I got $2,000, I got $100, I got a fucking can of tuna, whatever the fuck you put on there. Right. So you know where you are. These were the notebooks from the Netflix special and the year before and the year afterward. I said, gone. I don't even know where 2019 is. I threw away all the calendars, you know, like the things that I have.

Right. Because I have notebooks, then I have a calendar. And that calendar will tell me where I am. the little things I got to do, I got rid of six of those motherfuckers. And to see those and to look at one now, it's two different fucking worlds.

Oh, well, yeah, you were touring like a full time back then. When I looked at those calendars, there were days that I didn't take a breath till fucking midnight. Like when I got home from the comedy store, that was the first time I was going to sit at home. And I sit there and look at these things and go,

how fuck was I doing it? I got to take a nap now. I go to the gym. I got to go home and take a fucking nap for an hour. Yeah, but that was also six years. Like, it was, you were, you were younger, do it. And you also were used to it. Like, I feel like if you, I don't think you want to,

but if you got back into that rhythm, I think you'd be okay. I don't think I could handle that rhythm anymore. But I don't think I can handle that rhythm. That was, that shit I saw was fucking too much. 2019 there was like four weeks in a row I went on the road and I mean went on the road and I went on the road and I shot a movie and it's like no wonder I lost my mind and I think part of the mental health issue I had when I moved backwards was I had a bunch of fucking issues but the main one was separating my life from that old life it was rough I didn't know what I was

doing I didn't know whether I was coming or going it's the reason why people don't retire. Right. Because they lose their mind at home. This is the first time I was fucking home. Well, that's what I was going to say is, like, it seems like your uncle who's 80 something right now. Like, I know you can slow down, but it seems like, and not everybody, but if you stick with it to a certain point, like what you're doing now, like you're doing it half time or whatever you want to call it, I think it's good. Like, if you don't stop, you can keep going.

No, listen, there's no way I'm going to stop. At this point, I thought about it. I like what I'm doing right now. Yeah. That one show a month to make me work and make me think. And just to get me, you know, like, actually, like, I don't write jokes to me. I write ideas. And then I log the ideas together.

Right. That's what I'm trying to do now, you know. So it's become interesting. Right. Okay. The writing has become interesting. There's nothing like getting a solid bit and going, oh, shit. I can compare this to this.

I could run it through this. So that's got me. I'm hooked on that again. I'm just not hooked on getting on fucking planes. Oh, I don't blame me. Oh, I can't do it. I can't. Somebody offered me next weekend and it was perfect.

I could have gone to Austin and then then Dallas with him. I'm like, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Let me ask you this, though. I know you liked being busy, but does it feel good? like thinking where you were at my age financially. Like you wouldn't have turned that down back then. But now you can.

At 37? Yeah. I wouldn't have turned nothing down. If you wouldn't give me what I wanted, I'd just rob you. You know, at 37, right. Nobody was paying me any fucking money. That would give me 200, 100, 250, you know. Right.

It's 100 for gas or something like that. You know, there was no money, but I knew how to pilot on it. So there was always money. Right. Because I knew you got to take as many gigs as you fucking can. But does it feel good to be able to turn it down now? Yes.

I started turning things down like in 2015 when I knew how the game was. You can't say yes to everything. You gotta say no to a few things. If not, you'll lose your fucking mind. Again. But then you have the short window, mine, that I had. I'm 55.

I ain't got much time left to do, this money. So I rather jump on it right now while I have the chance. But there was a week in, right, December before the pandemic, that November and December were fucking real. Like I'm talking about Miami, New York, drive up to Boston the next day, theaters on Saturday, you got to take an extra flight. It was starting to get fucking rough. My back was hurting. I enjoyed it, though. I enjoyed it. bit of it, looking back at it, you know, I had a great time. It was a great education. We made some money, but I can't do that again. That level and where my mind was, remember I told you,

it's not the work you put in. It's where your mind is. If I did comedy every day, like if I said to you right now, forgettedly, I'm going to do comedy six nights a week. I'm going to dedicate myself for this shit. After six, seven, eight, twelve weeks, your mind goes somewhere else. And your mind zeroes in on shit. And your mind doesn't let anything else in. And that's not fucking healthy. When you sleep, walk, everything stand up.

But it is healthy. Yeah. It's not healthy, but it is healthy. Because this is what you want to do. And especially, like, did it distract you from, like, some other, like, bullshit that was going on in your, Like you didn't have time to worry about like other shit. Well,

exactly my point. When I was doing, listen, before any of that shit, but once I stood, and I'm embarrassed to say this, but I'm not. Once I started doing stand-up and I got into that zone of like the eighth year,

the ninth year, you were done. Like anything to do with you was done. Not that I didn't love you, but I just don't have the time. Right. I'm on a fucking, I'm on to something here.

And what you want to, you want to go to a concert or you want to take me away for three days. That's not going to work. That's not going to work. I got to be at the store. Right. When I tell you, I have to be at the store for $15 fucking dollars. No reason to be there for $15.

I could borrow $15 fucking dollars. Right. That wasn't it. I was at the store and it didn't matter. This is your shot. Everybody dreams of their shot. Everybody dreams of their shot and then they go get their shot and now they want to lay down. I'm going to take up golf.

No. Now it's not the fucking time to take up golf. Now is not the time to fucking do whatever personal things you want to do. I didn't have a life for a long fucking time. Am I proud of it? Yes and no. Because what's her life? To go to a giant game, to go to a concert,

you know, the same shit over and over again. Right. I like the adventure or getting on a bus and not knowing where I'm going. I liked all that shit. Oh, it's so much fun. Getting in a car and whatever is going on in your world, it's you and the steering wheel. And you're talking to the steering wheel. And there's nothing I like more than like a long drive by yourself.

It shuts the noise off. You can't do anything else. Look, I flew from Miami with my wife, three hours each way. Okay. All of them had phones and computers. I said, no, no, no, no. I'm going to tap into this fucking coconut to see what we've been for the last 10 fucking years. and I tapped at my wife and he said to me she goes I didn't know what you were doing

because you was just looking out I go I was thinking about how did we get here right how the fuck there's little things I forgot and I remembered things just little I put myself in scenarios all right it's June of 2005 mm-hmm you know what was going on I just put myself because you hear people going how do you remember all that stuff well you got to work on it you work on your memory? Yeah, you have to work on it. I never even thought about that. Well, it's by opening up a cage and looking at it from different perspectives. Right.

So when I do it, I didn't do it for fucking, like, I did it from when I fucked up. Okay. Okay, when you fuck up, whether you put in the wrong joke or whether you go to fucking prison or whether you hit some head in a bottle, somebody in a head with a bottle, you have to look at it from your perspective, and then you've got to step out and go, all right, this is what really fucking happened. This is what really fucking happened, okay? And I was just thinking about those situations.

And how do you put those situations out of your mind while you're going through it? Discipline. Wednesday, I was telling me, Wednesday, some topics came up in the green room at the dojo. We were talking about different things, and I've always told you this, that there was a window of six months where I would pick up my first daughter at two, I'd have to drop her off at seven. Okay.

And every time I went to drop her off, it would rip me apart. They would torture me. They would say little things to me, hey, make sure she doesn't eat the seeds on a Big Mac, you know. I need this shit. Don't take her to see Jurassic Park. She'll have nightmares. And I would get in my car and ball. And for like a month, I would drop her off and then go get a gram of Coke and just,

drink and fucking feel sorry for myself. And then I go, that's done. That's done. If I'm going to make it as a comic, so I started putting a joint in the ass train. When she pulled off with a fucking range rover, and I'm in my car that I have to use a tug thing to close this door. Oh, Jesus.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. You know. And I would just cry. And I would smoke that joint and force myself. And I would go to that fucking pizza place where the guy was an elverson person and he weighed 500 pounds that's amazing and i would go to a steakhouse 52 and you

know and i forced myself it's kind of like a discipline it's a fucking discipline you got to force yourself and you're going to make people unhappy with your decisions but you're playing for keeps you ain't got time listen you came into my life at the wrong time if you had came into my life six years ago we would have been on. Ask my wife. Ask my wife how intense I was about comedy. I didn't think I'm marrying her for seven fucking years. And it took two to fucking marry her. It's, you're in it, man. You're in it. And then people go, well, you don't really have a life. What? You know what, man? I wake up in the mornings now and I'll have to rush out of the house. And to me, that's worth a million dollars. Yeah. That's worth, that's worth a lot.

That's worth a lot. And that's what I wanted. I never wanted to be at the same place at the same time every fucking day. I couldn't do it. As spoiled as that sounds, so you have to work around your fucking limitations of what you want to do. Right. Because I know what you went through with your ex-wife and your daughter. But like, do you ever, how did you deal with stuff?

And years earlier, that would happen with my wife and my daughter. I would have quit comedy. Okay. That was the easier thing for Joey. That's a Joey move all day long. Right. Well, things got rough. I'm not going to do comedy for a while and put them on hold.

That's what losers do. Right. That's what the old Cocoa Joy would do. Well, I'll put it on hold. I'll just quit. I'm trying to get this situated. Let me go smoke pot and do coke and figure out this situation. That wasn't it.

That was, there was no time for that. I had a fucking do. I was on a mission. I was on a fucking mission. And, you know, when everybody has nice things around you and you live in a fucking apartment like this, I had an apartment like this for $4 a month. I didn't cook in there.

I had a fucking metal shower. It was metal. It was like a phone boot. You never even heard of a metal shower? Yeah, you know. And after a while, you just got sick and tired. And I was doing all these things, and I wasn't getting no money or anything.

But I knew for me to get money, I had to prepare myself. Right. For me to get to the destination where I wanted, I'd have prepared myself. And that's what most people cannot. I lost my parents. So I had no reason to please anybody. Right.

When you lose your mom in death, who the fuck are you doing it for? You're doing it for you. But I just, there was an inner fire in me that I didn't want to keep living how I was living. And then I got to L.A., and I was living how I was living. And that started wearing on you.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You get a couple movies. You do this. and you get a little daylight, but then a week later you're broke again. You're like, what the fuck am I doing?

You know? It's crazy because I was thinking about it today. The last, I guess, like, four or five years, have been, like, they've been great. I've had a great time, but there's been three people in my life who are, like, I never thought would leave me or who have, like, really disappointed me over the last.

And it's like, I was cool. I keep everything inside. But like the last couple weeks, it's been kind of nagging at me a little bit. And I don't, I'm no way. I'm not quitting con. I have no desire. It's the only thing that makes me happy, really.

But if you quit comedy, they won. Oh, yeah. Okay. They, whatever got into your head, one. They won. They won. And that's one thing I love about comedy. Whether you broke as fuck with no electricity,

no food, you could always find the stage. And you could always talk about it. Mm-hmm. You could always talk about it. I go, what the fuck, man? I'm 37. I live in an apartment.

I can't afford the water, Bill. You know? Yeah. That's the truth. So that's what I was going through. And I met Ralphie and I met all these other guys that were all going for the same thing. And that helps.

You know, it's tough for me to tell George if you do this for four years you're going to become a millionaire people that shit goes in one ear and it goes out the other but then when your friend gets a half a million dollar deal and another half a million dollar deal year later

and then when you see a buddy of yours that you shared shit with for two years just to eat and now he's moved into a fucking house and he's got three cars and so you see it It's not like, this guy worked for 20 years and he had a bakery. You didn't see it.

You just heard the story. Right. And then you're like, okay, I'm going to open up a bakery and do the same thing. Mr. Palmasano did. Yeah. Give me a break. Give me a fucking break. It's that fucking thing, you know.

Give me a fucking break. It's just you want the things that, you know, you just want things. And dog, and for seven years I wanted things. and I had this fucking addiction hanged on my head. So from time to time, I would buy a pair of pants or a shirt or a t-shirt and you're like going to these places, people have nice clothes. You have like fucking farmer jeans on. They're two sizes, too big for you.

You know, it just got old, man. Yeah. So if I'm going to be, if I'm going to dwell on that shit, then I might as well do comedy. And I didn't mean to interrupt you for. When you have what you had, and this is what I tell people, you've got to check on the skeletons in your closet

because if not they check on you. And that's exactly what happened on that flight. I checked on one of my skeletons, and it fucked me a little bit. I went on stage last week, and I talked about it, and I fucking killed. Oh, great. But listen, man, when you go on stage,

is there anybody there with you? Nope. Okay, then. That's the story of stand-up comedy. And you do stand-up now, And I do stand-up now, so I could tell you my issues. Okay. Okay.

But my nephew, Nick, what's he know about fucking stand-up kind of? Right. So if I come to him, so you're living in a world that nobody understands you. Right. Nobody understands you when people come to you. Oh, my God. We're going to Long Island this week, me and my girlfriends and all the husbands, you know, like, I'm not doing it.

And they're like, what do you mean? Everybody's going to be. It's Saturday fucking night. Yeah. Sorry. Saturday night. You want to do those things, do them on Wednesday. Well, can't you cancel? No, I can't. People don't want to hear that.

Right. People don't want to hear that. And I've told you a thousand times, next time of you're on the road with Joshua, ask them, when you had those parties with Scott and people jumping up with Joey Diaz ever there, never. Never. I had a spot. Yeah. And even though I was a junkie and I wanted to store Coke, I had two spots. You know what's... I think when... when you people are used to you doing stuff for them or just saying yes, the first time you're like, you don't do exactly what they want.

Even if you're not being an asshole, even if you're just like, I got to do this for me. Honestly, that's what happened with the people who really let me down. It's like as soon as, like I've always been a people pleaser. And as soon as you're like,

oh, I got to do this for me, a lot of people don't like it. They turn. Yeah. And that's okay. Because they're not on your dream. So fuck them.

Fuck them. Yeah. What I just say to you, people will never understand your dream. Okay? And this is what I want to do, man. Oh, well, you'll be back in three years when you fucking find out how hard it is.

Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Yeah. You just showed your colors to me. Now I'm definitely going to do it, and I'm going to come back and ram it in your fucking ass. Well, yeah, with a stack of hundreds.

Yeah, with a stack of hundreds or with a big black dick. I just got me Amazon. Real quick, let's take a breather here and talk to you about Draft Kings. We all the bowl games and the pick six is a lot going on in the sports world. And Draft Kings is here to help you out. We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey here for Draft King Sportsbook. The number one sports book for live betting is making money every moment of the NFL playoffs worth watching.

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We're back, Jack. Anyway, I like talking about these type of issues. first or second podcast of the year. Okay. So people know. Like, they look at things and they go, all right, what is my year starting now? What do I want to do this year that I haven't done before or, you know, and it's funny. We were talking about discipline before.

I was a fucking junkie for 29 years. I couldn't control my, and I told you this once before on this podcast. When it was to comedy, I did it to the tea. Even though you were doing drugs? Everything else in my life, I didn't do to the tea. Comedy, I did to the tea. And nothing stands out more than it being a Friday. And I used to hang out with this girl in L.A.

When me and Carol broke up like three months. And she used to fucking, we would both do drugs and eat each other out. Disgusting stuff, you know. And she called me one day in the afternoon. And she goes, tonight, let's, after your spot, let's get together. And I'm like, okay. And I had $15. Like, it was a Friday.

I was going to pick up like three checks of $45. Okay. Now, never forget pulling up to the comedy store and there's five cases of Jack Daniels, three cases of whiskey, you know, three cases of vodka, be gone. Just two of those cases of fucking Jack. I could sell them at a liquor store for 60 cents in a dollar.

And I remember going, no. And that's when I realized. I was like, okay. And this is 10 years in. Maybe not even. nine years in. And that's when I realized that fucking how serious I was about this.

Because any other time, I would have stolen the fucking Jack Daniels. But that was the day I realized. I was, okay, I'm on to something. I respect what I'm doing finally in my life. Do you think it was because it was at the comedy store? Like, if you had seen that, if you had pulled into a liquor store parking lot, do you think you would have taken it?

A liquor store, yes. Okay. But a improv, a comedy club, no. Right. I don't want to go there again. I didn't want to ruin my chances. Like I've done thousands of times before, thousands of times before.

I could tell you how many opportunities I blew in regular life. I was like, I'm not going down there today. I got high that night and didn't show up. Right. This opportunity, I didn't want to blah. So you got to take it a little serious. And, you know, like I said, man, me, Ralphie, there was a couple of us that were on the same page

that we didn't give a fuck. what you were doing or what was going on, we're going to do comedy. Doesn't matter. Oh, my mother's coming to town. Tell her, I take an Uber, and I'll meet her at the hotel at 1130. Why?

I got a spot. You're not taking a... No. I'm in L.A. I'm on a fucking... I'm not in Tulsa, Oklahoma, doing comedy three nights a week or fucking South Jersey

where you do comedy. No. I'm at the major leagues. And after that, I got to go to Lafack. And now you want to come with your fucking parents. to throw me off for five days. We're going to go to Disneyland.

No, we're not going to go to fucking Disneyland. I'm not doing any of that shit. I got auditions in the daytime. Well, you know. No, I don't know. No, I don't know. Because I can be on my way to Disney. Ha, ha, ha, ha, with Mickey Mouse ears.

And all of a sudden I got an audition for a TV show. I ain't doing it. So I wouldn't do shit. People would say, don't you want to come? What was that place? Remember they opened all those restaurants where the Chicago one? Remember they opened up a Chicago, a Pittsburgh restaurant or something.

Remember that we had the black and white shake and it was from Chicago. Oh, yeah, yeah. You took one of your freaks down there. Is it not Primanti? I don't know. That's in Pittsburgh. The hot dog, they have the steak and they have the hot dog and the cake shake. The cake shake.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. People say, come down, dog. It's 40 minutes. 40 minutes each way with no traffic. That's three hours. Three hours. I don't have three hours.

Yeah, but, but nothing. That's three hours. Three hours, go get a hot dog and tell you a friend, stay up here, write a joke. Get together with your buddies at Starbucks. Yeah. That's what we did. We were going to Ralphies in the afternoon.

We got five bucks. Get some sodas and write some fucking jokes. Did you have a time where, like, where you tried to go do one of those things and you got an audition or like, all the time. Your car broke down and couldn't make your spot. I learned that six months in.

Because when I first moved to LA, I lived in Hollywood for two or three months. And then my girlfriend got an apartment and fucking Marine. What's the other one where fucking Motley Crew crashed his car? Right around the corner from that place. Okay. That's an hour of 15 every night. Oh, no. At 12 o'clock.

And I had no brakes on that car. What? That car was on metal and metal jack. No. There was no brakes on that car. No wonder you learn to drive so fast. Oh, my God. Shit.

So I would have to go all the way down there. And then you have an audition. You got to come all the way up, do the audition, go all the way back, and then come back to Hollywood at 10 o'clock at night. Fuck that. I ain't got that type of time. That's too much fucking driving. You know, and people think like, well, it's only 20 miles.

20 miles in Jersey at 5 in the morning. There's a big difference in 20 miles in L.A. on that 405. Oh, my God. That could take you hours. People don't even realize. People, nah, you can make it in three out. I'm not doing it.

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't care about any of that shit. It's got nothing to do with me. I didn't move to L.A. To go to Disneyland. I didn't move to L.A. to go to San Diego. I didn't move to L.A. to fucking any of that shit. I was there 23 years.

Tell me I went to the beach 23 times. Not even close. Not even close. If I went to the beach 10 times, and the last eight times was because I had a kid. Right. So before the kid, you weren't getting me to do. Dick.

I think you went to the beach once and you did it for a Mad Flavors World video. Yeah, that's it. It's too much, man. I don't have that. It's kind of like. And I saw people, and those are the people that do that every day. We went down and played Frisbee. They're the ones that call you and go, I don't know what's going on in my career.

I'll tell you, you were down there playing Frisbee on a fucking Friday. Holy shit. Speaking of Disney. have you like found out at all like one of your adult friends is like a Disney adult like a guy or like a I stopped talking to him if they have like adults go to Disney just for fun without kids

listen I was telling my wife the other day I go because my wife always brings southern desserts to these parties and they eat like two slices and I tell her before each one

why are you making that These people don't eat that shit Well, they told me they all love pineapple upside down cake Then you get there and they eat a little sliver Okay And I'm stuck with the fucking cake at night When I'm getting high and I got 8,000 milligrams edibles And I got to walk past a pineapple upside down cake

Okay And this is constantly Any party she goes to she brings something From the fucking south in South Jersey Central Jersey And every time about two weeks ago She didn't buy a pecan pie She bought a big one from Costco

And I go, what is this for? She goes, oh, I'm bringing it to the party. I looked and I go, Terry, those people don't eat became a party. They all told me they want. That night at the party, I looked at it. There was one slice taken out. I didn't say a word to. I didn't want it to feel bad, but I had to tell her two days ago.

I go, that's enough with that southern shit, okay? She goes, I was waiting for you to bring it up. Yeah. Because, stop it. Nobody gives a fuck about the South here. You could go all through Jersey, all through New York City. There's maybe one or two places dedicated to South. And that's fucking, you know, that's like a long thing.

You know, you're not going to get ribs from the South here. You're not going to get half that shit here. You're not going to get bar. These people are in the Bronx, they make a barbecue. Listen, give me a fucking break. Right. Okay, you want barbecue. You go to Austin, Texas, or somewhere in Texas, Houston or, you know.

But again, so I told them, I go, stop with that shit. I go, these people like fucking canolis. These people like the same cheesecake from Costco. What a cheesecake from Costco? It goes first. I go, they're the same boring people they were when I was growing up in Florida, when I was growing up in Jersey. One of the reasons I left Jersey that's embarrassing to me

is everybody from Jersey goes to Florida. That's all they know how to do. I think that's a whole Northeast. That's all they know how to do. Florida is the big savior. So every fucking Ginzo I grew up with, they have two weeks off for vacation. One week they go to Atlantic City.

They break out the white shoes, God forbid. And this is before the Borgata, you know what I'm saying? When they were going down and acting like Cheech. And then the other week, they just go to Florida. And they come back and tell you how great it was. And then you're back fucking digging trenches. Right. That's no vacation.

You got to go back and dig a trench. That's no fucking vacation. My point is that when I told people I was going to Colorado, He looked at me like my head exploded. And I was so happy because you boring motherfuckers do the same fucking shit. The same fucking shit. We went to Florida. Listen, I don't like Florida that much.

I never have. There's a certain areas in Florida that you go to their hip. You get lost in Florida, bro. That's a different type of redneck. That's a different type of white dude. That's true. Okay? That's a different type of white dude.

And the more you go up north, it gets creepier and creepier. I don't think you have a problem with, maybe you do have a problem with Florida, but I think it's like people do, like the whole, like if everyone gets like the Stanley Cups. You hate it when people do like everyone does the same thing just to do it.

What do you mean? Like what Nick just said, Nick said, you don't like trends. And I thought, I would agree with that, but just like. We're going to jump on fucking everything that's brought up to you. You don't remember L.A. One of the biggest things that bothered me, L.A. It was baseball season.

Everybody got a Yankee hat. As soon as the Yankees get to the playoffs, bro, they could be for Mars. They can have a Somalian daycare. And they'll still have a fucking Yankee hat on. Like, we're Yankee hats. And it looks bad. Okay?

You see a girl with the ponytail, that cunt look? You look bad. You rehearsed that look. You were home for an hour. Putting a hat on the ponytail. It looks bad. You look bad. Yeah. You don't have any mind for yourself.

You don't have nothing for yourself. Everything you switch, oh my God, there's a new pizza place in the village. You have to order a pizza and pick it up at flat. What are you talking about? I will smack you. There are 200,000 pizza plays that you walk and get a slice of pizza and the pizza's acceptable. People jump on trends. I am not going to jump on a trend. And I will do it on purpose to prove to you that I can live without that. That's the discipline. Right. I could live without that.

I told you guys a story about quintessence. Never went to quintessens. People would bust my balls. We're going to quintess. I refuse to go to fucking quintess. And the more you bust my balls about it, the more chances you, I got to not go.

The more I hear people go, oh my God, you gotta go. They drop you on your head. Okay. Yeah, that's what I want to do. Leave me the fuck alone. Okay? Leave me the fuck alone.

If I was to put every shoe on Like these are $50 sneakers And I'll get $50 sneakers all day long I just walk into fucking holes Or whatever and I take a But if you want me to pay $300 per a pair of sneakers That look like some fucking Somalian dude wore them I'm not doing that

Black, red, green What the fuck? White goes with everything That's it I want red, green I got to put the pants to mat Leave me alone I've never been so happy to be wearing white shoes. White sneakers. That's it.

End the fucking story. Everybody's, you can wear it with a pink fucking jumpsuit. Yeah. What are you going to do with those clown fucking Julius, whatever? Those Michael Jordan's shoes with green or red. Well,

I like your sneaker game. Oh, thank God. You know, you like my sneaker game. The fuck out of my face. That's great. It's hard. I think a lot of people struggle with that. With, you know,

because like I see it. I know what pizza place. talking about that. He's got to wait. They got to wait in line to put your order and come back. When you told me, and these white people, they bite right into it. I'll wait two hours for a pizza. If it's going to be that good listen, first of all, you're from Pennsylvania. You wouldn't know a pizza if it hit you in the fucking face.

Right. You're from Iowa. You wouldn't know what a pizza is. You're from fucking, you know, all these places where pizza is not irrelevant. They don't put no effort into making a pizza. You know, no effort at all. You know, so then they come here. and also they're pizza fucking moguls.

Listen, if you know anything about me, right. If you're under 10 and you're talking to me about pizza, I already looked the other way. That's George. I can't have time. Under 10 years old? If you're under 10, you're allowed to tell me,

I went to them with my grandparents saw a pizza place in Parsippany, and it was pretty good. But when grown men tell me they're going to go somewhere to get a pizza, that's what the conversation ends for me. You can't, don't respect them at all anymore? It ends. I don't know what you're doing.

You might as well get a little hat with a propeller. I don't know what you're doing. Is that how you see people when they talk to you about stuff like that? All that stuff. A little game that go like this. When people talk to me about that, there's something else you can be doing. There's always something else you can be doing. You know, well, they said there's a great pizza place.

It's an hour and a half of me. Let's go, Nick. No. No. I'm not doing that whether it's Saturday, Sunday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday. You want to go take the hour and a half right? Go ahead. But there's no reason to talk anymore because you're a fucking moron. And that's the way I look at that shit. Life has so much to offer. But you've decided that pizza is everything in your world. Or anything else? Anything else?

Listen, I'm sitting here talking from a pizza perspective. there's a thousand people at home going, Joe, you snorted Coke. I wouldn't ever do coke. Yeah, well, I wouldn't. That was your hobby, pretty much, yeah. But it was fun for me. It was fun. That's what was fun for me.

Fun is not, you know, I see people, and it's like you're making believe you're having fun. There's no way this could be fun. Something's not right here. The paperwork ain't right. You just, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Like how we started this one like the Disney thing Like if that's fun

And I went with my ex and her kids And we had a good time But if like to go there without kids It's kind of like Even with fucking kids It's a one time deal That's it Okay one time you saw

Listen I am very grateful for my daughter I am very grateful I am upset Because she got a lot of my shit That upsets you Oh yeah Because it's not a way to live. It's not the way people should live.

But she don't like Disney. She doesn't like American doll. She didn't go for any of that shit. We went to Disney World one-time land. And she was like, I'm good. And I'm like, I love you for that. Because I'm not going every year. I am not going to.

You can't even buy a water in Disneyland. Now you're making me $9. You can't bring your own water. Little things like that. this is a kid place for you know what I'm saying? Yeah. If I want to go dressed into Disney

with a rocket ship up my ass, that's what Disney's about. It's not about charging me $9 for a fucking water. Oh yeah, they fuck you. I have a couple across the street from me. And I love him dearly. I spend Christmas with them every year. Love him.

Love him. She's one of those Disney people. Like twice a year, three times a year. Wow. And I goof on her all the time. You know me. Of course. I'm sure the entire time she's at Disney,

she's getting phone calls. But I love her. She makes the best possible as well. She makes some of the best food I've ever tasted. So she gets a pass. Okay. She goes to Disneyland all she wants, okay? As long as she has my chicken with fucking potatoes.

A couple weeks where I got up, man, she brought me that chicken with the potatoes and the sausage in it. And she makes the potatoes separate. What is it? Oh, I went upstairs. That was New Year's Eve. I stood up to four. I went upstairs and I found.

on that shit, the chicken was clean, Bobby. She had spicy sausage in it. Oh, nice. And the potatoes were fried crispy to the crit. Oh, my God. So she gets a pass on going to Disney. She gets a pass. She gets a pass.

George is my brother. He gets a pass for that pizza stupidity. You torture him constantly about it. Because he's an adult. He's 60 years old. So what is a pass meeting? A pass meeting? Like, you know, I just leave him alone on some efforts. Because I love him.

Nick's I love Nick, but he's got a fucking Tesla. Oh, yeah. You follow me? But I love him more than the Tesla. So, but every time a Tesla cuts me off. And slows me down by 15 fucking miles per hour. Right. I got a problem with Nick.

You know what I'm saying? He represents all Tesla's are Nick's fault now? Yeah. And Priuses and shit, I hate those Toyota Priuses, bro. They're always at the worst place, at the wrong. Long time. Dog, I almost killed one the other day. And I had to pull up next to him go,

you're a dumb fuck. You don't know how lucky you ought to be alive. I made a turn. He was right there. He just stopped. There was no parking. The parking was like this. His car was like this, a Tesla.

And he's like looking at it. Prius. You know when you make a right, and it's right there. Look, if I wasn't paying attention, I would have sent him through the fuck If I was like looking around, listening to music, he would have still been in the hospital. Oh, yeah.

You know, especially with your car. Dumb fucking people. I think the saving gas made them stupid. You know, I think it made them stupid the way they fucking drive. And then they will not leave the left lane. They refuse. I take everything out of my car. I used to be one of those people who used to throw shit.

I used to have those little paint cans and shit. I used to steal them from Boulder Auto Body and I had thousands of them in the car. What do you mean paint cans? Little paint cans. Instead of a big paint can, they're like this. Oh, they have like little, so for people listening, it's just like a little, okay. And they fucking hurt. And they'll date your car, they'll break a window.

Oh, shit. And I would sit on my wife's car driving, and I would flip them over this way like a grenade. And blah, blah, blah, people would fucking stop and shit. I will fuck you up when I'm driving. I have stopped because I'm an adult now. So I can't be doing that shit to people, you know what I'm saying? But when did you, I feel like you were doing it up until like a real, Like recently.

It's not like you stopped when you were 20. I think you stopped at like 44. If you know anything about me, I haven't stopped doing anything except shoplifting and it's killing me. Killing me. Every time I go to CVS, people are walking out and shit. I'm saying that paying $80 for a box of nicotine gum. Thinking who's the fucking asshole here?

Fuck. Fuck. You don't think you're going to do it once? What, shopper? Yeah. It's against my call core now. Fuck. Like, I would love to steal something now, like $800,000 or something.

Somebody's got money in the house and shit and we'd get away with it. Oh, but even like Josh and Jacob loved to, like, they torture me all the time because we went to, mall in Houston once. And we went to a whole Nordstrom and there was a $7,000 jacket just on the rack. And it like gave me anxiety to think about, A, spending that much money on or in just having it out. Like if you were at. That jacket. staying out. They got alarm tags in it and sensors.

They probably have like a little rope connected to it. There's black people in Houston. You know what I'm saying? That jacket is good to go. That jacket is good to go. Oh, my God. We'll be right back. We got to talk to you about some products. We'll be right back. Then we'll wrap up the show.

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do a leap in the head with. You know what I'm saying? I want to thank Blue Choo for sponsoring the podcast. We're back, bitches. Anyway, I got a fucking hell of a week this week. I don't even know.

This has been on my mind since last week because I knew this week was going to be dangerous. Mercy turns 13 this week. I know. Holy shit. 13.

Holy shit. And then I'll be telling me I see her, she looks bigger than me. She gets whiter and taller. The other day she had like a fucking shirt on, we come back from the gym and she took off like a sweatshirt. You got to see the size of her fucking shoulders. Yeah. Oh, she works out hard in that fucking gym.

I've been taken to that fucking gym for two sessions a week. Even Jimmy Florentine was like, I don't know what they're doing with her in that. She's doing a bunch of shit Like fucking run pick up a 20 pound ball Slam it run a sprint slam it And she likes it She signed up she was doing one

Then she came to me she's like that I need to do two I go you sure She's like yeah So does she Cause we Like she's been in softball for how long Five years And like

Because I was never At all Like there was not a minute of my life That I thought I was even going to play high school school sports. Like it was, they just, is her goal, like college,

like softball? Because she, it seems like she's doing a lot of cool shit. You know what, man? This is the flavor of the month. Okay. You know?

Will she stick with it? I hope so. But she really, like now she's talking about switching schools because the school she wants to go doesn't have jazz band.

And that's her other thing. She plays the stand-up bass and the fucking whatever bass. So her music teacher told her, she goes, Terry, I'm at mercy, if you stick with this, you get a scholarship. Nobody else plays this. There's no girl playing a fucking bass that big.

Oh, wow. Cool. So she's into this shit, too. Is it cool saying or have, like, specific interests? Because, like, when you're a little kid, used to everything. I would hear her play the bass, and I would sit downstairs going, what the fuck? One that I actually went upstairs. I watched it.

I was like, I called my uncle. I go, who knows how to play this shit? What are you learning how to play this shit? Well, you have two people? Like, have you talked to your cousins at all? Yeah, I talked to them.

I talked to them. I just found the one, he's in Belgium. So we've been talking on Instagram. Oh, nice. And then the other cousin, she talks to me a lot more than anybody in my family. But do you think any of that could be genetic? Like the music and, like, of the art?

Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. That something runs in your fucking blood. What it is, I don't know. I mean, my family and I have no comedians. Unless I don't know about a great uncle who's doing comedy in Cuba or something. Or was a house MC or something like that.

Performing. You're right. It's in your blood, man. Yeah. It's in your fucking blood, you know. And for her to be 13, you know, for Jews, that's when you become an adult. I know she's not going to have a bomb, like, do any of that stuff. But, like, she's turning into, like, a little person now.

It's like, it's like a legit. Oh, yeah. It's real. In no time she'll be doing college stuff. Yeah. Like, in no time. I'm telling you. It's fucking fast.

And you sit there and go, holy fuck. Just the fact that I've been here for five years. Yeah? Like the novelties worn off. I'm here. You know, five fucking years. it's insane how fast these last couple years have gone and I'm really happy about it

I mean hey listen this is the evolution I'm not gonna sign up for an anti-aging class I'm just gonna lift weights and go to Jitza and box and drink water you have none of the have you do you do any of that stuff like the anti-aging that creepy guy with the with the shiny skin whatever have you seen that guy

do I look like I use anything for my shining fucking skin he's creepy who knows he might be smart but he's spending like millions of dollars and into like reverses like and i should probably do somebody like he's also selling like a drink mix that he uses for like they're all over the instagram they got protein for old guys that's going to change your life they got this they got that last time i checked a good steak takes care of fucking all that shit A good steak with a handful of fucking broccoli or a handful of asparagus. That's it.

That's it. You don't need all those supplements if you really, really think about it. The creams, listen, I got, like, fucking dry skin. I get rashes, but I don't put, like, shit under my eyes and bags. I am what I am. I'm a fucking billy goat. You know what I'm saying? This is what it is.

I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't realize, like, what washing your face meant until I was, like, 35. and I would wash my face in the shower with just like the soap but like my ex had to like oh no here like you gotta do like face wash and then use some like some loggia like I never did that I gotta take a shower the second part of the day okay because the first what I'm washing off in the morning is whatever came out of me at night sometimes I wake up on an itchy ass

you know so I know I've been scratching that motherfucker all night So, you know, there's something comes out of your body at night. All right. But, like, I'll go, even if I don't work out, let's say I have a day off on Wednesday and I don't work out. When I hit the shower again at 4 o'clock, I'm a greasy motherfucker. Like, when that hot water hits me, the first three minutes, it's like when you walk into a garage and you see the oil and the water,

I could feel it hitting me. And I can feel like whatever I have on my skin is fucking disgusting. So I take that loof for and I loop for everything. Then I fuck in my hair, you know. Right. I got an antiseptic for my ear. You know, in the shower, I got all this shit I use. Right.

But it's to be clean, not the fucking anti-age, you know. But I do all that stuff there. I know this. You got to wash your face. Because, listen, if I didn't wash my face, I'd have blackheads the size of that fucking lip. Oh, I know. I just got a facial to get rid of shit before the wedding.

I got to scrub my face, man, a couple times a day. I got that one stuff. My first wife used to buy me that stuff. And I had real, Klinique. Oh, yeah? Like, I, is fucking good for men. I have no, I had no fucking idea. They have, like, a charcoal, soap you could use.

You know, they have a couple things. I bought the box, the sampler. Two years ago in Sephora, it's like a woman store. They have a little section for guys in there. I went with Mercy and I was going to say, yeah. Yeah, and I went over and I got some of that. And that's great stuff, you know. But if not, guys, you know, I'll have black heads.

I pull out black heads out of my nose now to like eight inches long. They just go zzz and they keep coming. Eight inches? Oh, my God, I have to squeeze it like with a fucking thing, like a squeegee. I got like a little nose squeegee. I just scrape my nose with it. I can feel when my pores and my nose are clogged. By touching it, I'm like, fuck, I got to go take a shower.

I feel like that. You just go addicted to that now. Oh, yeah, I dig it. to this side here. Oh, yeah? I got a lot of oil in here. And it smells when I squeeze it. It smells inside my nose like I'm driving on the term pipe.

Oh, inside your nose? Yeah. I thought you were taking the whatever came out and smelling that. No, I take it and put on the tissue. I don't smell that shit. That shit terrible. Have you gotten into, because there's like a whole series on YouTube of people popping blackheads and shit.

You don't like that? Oh, so you just like doing it to yourself. You don't like watching how other people do it. No, that Chinese lady, that's disgusting when she gets out of those people. They should throw those people in prison that come in like that. They haven't showered in 200 years. They got a lump on their neck and this poor Chinese lady. You know, I can't.

I don't want to watch that shit at all. Is that why you think they get stuff like? Because they're huge. Like, man, they have so much stuff. You ever squeeze something that something comes out? I love squeezing stuff. And it looks like something you ate two days earlier. Like when you look at, like you get a pimple on your ass and you pop and it pops like that.

And you look at your nail and it's got like a little. yelling little green. You're like, it must have been that fucking cauliflower taco. I think it was the lamb nachos. Sometimes you eat and it comes out of you. Right. And they just never, they never get rid of anything. I kind of like those.

I'm not going to lie. Not, I like certain things. They have these big blackheads that are called like the dilated poor. And it just looks like a rock coming out of your side. I don't, I don't love, they do gross me out. But I like, I got to be out, I'm surprised you don't like it. Here's an interesting point. When I weighed 415 pounds.

Right. I couldn't walk past my wife without going, Joey. Come here for a second. I got to get that blackhead off your back. It's fucking sticking out. You don't get no blackheads on my back now? Because you lost weight? Yeah.

I think. Just something changed. My metabolism, something that I don't have any blackheads on my back. Well, you can probably clean yourself a lot more. Yeah. Because at 4-8, like, it probably wasn't easy, like, that's what, I, like, that's probably, did he start using the LUFA at 418? That's what I was just thinking. 4-18?

Yeah. What's that? Your weight. I used the LUFA before that. You did? I've always, not everyone uses the LUFA. And then a lot of people don't use a fucking, a cloth. You go to prison, those black guys will torture you.

They'll call your net. Even though they take showers once a week. You take them every day. when you take them, if you just put soap on your face, they'll walk by and go, you're a disgusting white motherfucker. Get a fucking towel. So I started using a towel.

Yeah. And the towel takes the old skin off. The top layer that's going to, so you don't become a snake. It just feels fair. You have to fucking peel it off in February. Oh my God. I don't, that would be,

is that the worst part of the person is taking showers with people? No, I took a shower by myself, but they would come into shave or whatever. even still i'm not even just talking about them like trying to have sex with you like i'm just like the idea of like walking through prison with like a towel around your way i don't even what are you talking about like that like you have nothing to protect yourself like diagnostic when they give you a shower every other day no Saturday Sunday shower

and when you go down there you're going down there with 300 people and you're standing on the line And as one guy pops out, you walk in. Oh. And the water is not Caliente, like at home. You know what I'm saying? It's not that type of water. Like, you'll sit there and go, where's the hot water? And some of you look at it.

You go, there ain't none. And you're like, okay, this is it. And bro, you go in there, and you're like, and they leave the doors open. There's a window open. Listen, here's prison in a nutshell. It's so funny when you see these people who want rights in prison. Prison was not for rights.

You're punished. you did something bad against society. Why must I give you this and why must I give you that? Go to prisons in foreign lands. You think they do what they do here? Three fucking squares. They give you a haircut and shit. Now, some prisons just throw food in the middle.

And you've got to fucking dive in there in Cuba and those primitive countries. Don't just come in there with a Cuban sandwich that's 20 motherfuckers. You don't eat until you stab a motherfucker. So, that's a struggle. Want me to tell you the lesson I got from prison? Yeah. And here it is plain and simple. If you don't want another man telling you what to do, don't go to prison.

And that alone kept me out of prison. There's no way on this planet. A man's only coming to my room, kick the bed, and say, get up, shithead. Right. Because that's even worse than a job. That's all, like, your entire life. So if you don't want people telling you what to do, if that don't work out for you, and I'm not telling you people go,

hey, don't forget to take out the garbage. Don't forget to pick up the canoles. No, I'm talking about fucking, you know, hey, this, that, this. Don't do it. And that's what deterred me. The prison was easy. I loved it. Being with a bunch of guys sneaking drugs and no work to go to the next day.

You know, since I had a driver's license, I had the best job. A lot of people go in and they got on a little driver's license. They never paid a water bill. You know, so if you're like active, You're way ahead of the fucking game. But that's what I got, because I think about it from time to time. Okay.

If you don't like people telling you what to do 24 hours, or let's break it down, a man, telling you what to do all fucking day, don't get locked up. That's it. Why is that so hard to deal with? I just didn't like it. I didn't like it. I didn't like people calling me names. I didn't like people fucking saying things to me.

Come on, get up in the line there. You know, all that shit, I didn't take to that. It doesn't work for Uncle Joey for some reason. So, then I won't go back to jail. That'll keep you out. It doesn't work for me. They got no Chinese food. I got no Netflix.

You know, there's no reason for me to be there. And that's it. And then you just curb your life, avoiding going to jail. That shit, you know. I'm going to be 63 next month. Yeah, your birthday too. And I'm just lucky every day that I get up. Like, I'm just, like, grateful.

I just make it to the shower. And I fucking eat breakfast at my wife. We almost made it through a whole episode without you talking about dying. What? Why, you're talking like you're 85. No, but I'm 63, and you have to accept what's coming. I can't say to you, hey, tomorrow I'm going to join the Mr. Olympia contest and expect to win.

Joey, you're 63. They have a division for you, but they're going to pan out. I'm saying. Right. It's just, I'm not giving myself a timeline or anything. I'm just saying that. You're getting old. I know.

This is what I got available to me. I got both my legs. I don't know when this knee's going back in. This is going down any week. This knee's going down. I can feel this motherfucker just buckling one day. Why not just go and get it fixed? Why are you wearing it until a break?

I'm waiting for it to cabash. I'm going to try to get as healthy as I can before I go in there because once I do this, I'm not going to be able to do anything for six months except maybe lift weights sitting down. Yeah, but you said you can feel it coming. Oh, yeah. Listen, you get fucked in the ass. You can feel herpes coming.

HIV's coming. You know what I'm saying? If you're going to keep fucking in the ass, I'm going to keep working out, then the leg is going to buckle eventually. Well, with that analogy, of course it makes sense. But I want it to buckle when it's about to break. I don't want to just take it in there now.

I'm like, wow, whatever. I'm going to take out of commission for six months, and then I'm not back to 63.5. Tough to come back from 63.5. With a bum fucking knee. Yeah, but if you feel it, if it's going to fix it now, do you, I guess.

I got a couple coils fucked up in there. You know what I'm saying? The beach in Florida hit me. The whole fucking thing hit me. The beach and Florida. I thought you weren't allowed to go to Florida, by the way. No, I went there. But the next trip, we're going to Colorado.

That's going to be fun. My next trip is Colorado. Yeah. I told them already the whole thing. We're doing one more big trip, and I'm good after that. You're going to do it? What time are you here? And here's the funny thing.

When I was telling my daughter and my wife on the boat and Chef Brad, somebody called me from Boulder. I haven't heard from all year. And he was like, bro, when are you coming? I go, you know what? Are you calling me? Now I'm going to go to boat. I really want to go to Aspen, but that's just going to be,

listen, nobody's going to ski. Nobody's going to ski. Right. If my daughter was going to ski or something, like if we were going to be up there for two weeks, and I could put her in, like, a school where she's going to ski every day, but for three days, you're not going to ski.

Two, four days, you're going to ski the first day and then be sore for two days. So I don't. I might as well take him to Boulder in the spring. Right. But it's really fucking nice. You can look at the university. You can see the mountains.

Three, four days, and that's my last vacation. Because I don't see my, myself 12 hours on the plane to go to Hawaii. I don't see it. You got to stop in San Diego for two days or something and eat a taco, not a cauliflower a regular fucking taco. Oh, but there's so many, you could go to, you could go to the Bahamas. I got no passport. You can't even go to the, Bermuda,

Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico, I can. Yeah. Could I go to U.S. Virgin Island? I guess it has the word U.S. in it. Really? With no passport? All right, maybe I'll take one. Yeah, we got, because I get not wanting to go to a whole. That's a long fucking flight. That's a long fucking flight to swim with sharks and shit.

Forget it. Well, Colorado, I was just, because we went up, we, uh, we went to Zion before we went to Vegas. And we drove through Arizona and Utah. And I was talking about driving through Colorado because it's very similar because, like, driving through the Rockies, but there's just, there's a lot of grass and like little farms on these sides of the mountains. and driving through Colorado. I love the Southwest. It's my favorite.

But if you go to Colorado in the spring, it's going to be, like she might end up going to college in Colorado. Tremendous. It's so pretty. Tremendous. Take her to bowl to walk around for four days, see what hippies are left.

You can even go, and I don't know if there's a show. It's funny. Something else happened in Miami. Okay. When I was walking on the beach, some kid came up with me. He was like, hey, man,

I lived in your old house last year. No way. And I go, where and he goes 10 12 14th street i go come on he goes i lived upstairs that's crazy that's my old apartment in bolder 1012 14 oh in bolder i thought i was in there in that was when i lived on the hill by the university around the corner you're getting called back to to colorado yeah and i might even do the fox theater in bolder sick i might just make the whole trip like get there Tuesday and then do the fox on friday and then get the fuck out of their Saturday morning that's been a thought

too. Yeah. I mean, that's a good way to at least pay for it. Like, now you feel like you're working. But that's the problem. I don't want to feel like I'm working. So how about this? And I'm not telling,

because you're never going to do it, but I think you should go out there for two weeks. No. Do one week with the family, one week with shit, and so give yourself time to do a show. I ain't got that type of thing. But you do. There's no two week vacations.

It's not a vacation if you do a show. Listen, there's no two week vacation. What if you did damn, Boulder. Shut your mouth. There's no two-week vacation. Let it go. Let it go.

I ain't going nowhere for two weeks. All right. And two weeks. I went to Florida for four days. I missed my bed. I missed that cat so fucking much. Bring the cat. Bring the cat.

Bring gray. Fucking two weeks. Get the fuck. There's nowhere on earth. I want to go for two weeks away from my bed. And how I live in my... You know what I'm saying? Four days.

I'm struggling. That fucking last day, that three o'clock flight, afternoon, never again. Never again. I got to fly out early. There's nothing to do. Nothing to do. We're wasting time, man. Walking around, let's go do this at 11. No, because you're leaving that three. You know, you can't eat Popeyes. You might shit blood on the plane. You got to watch what you eat. You can't eat, you know. You're not going to go to McDonald's before your flight or four-hour flight. He does that type of shit. I mean, this is not going to

Landon and Kennedy last night about 11 o'clock at night. No, early. Yeah, early. Seven o'clock. That means you left Vegas at one or something. We left Vegas at 10. We got back at like six, whatever.

Six. I don't know. Yeah, the flight was delayed like a motherfucker because you didn't take the first one out again. And, you know, that's love. That's love. Love, yeah. Get the up, bitch. Five in the morning we're leaving, bitch.

I don't give a fuck. Get up, motherfucker. I got a rule. You just left at three. You have later than I did. You what? You just said you left it. I had to.

That was the only flight available. You had options. Not one week in a row, but two weeks in a row. You had options to come. You what? Took a 10 a.m. But it was two hours delayed. And that's why you got here at 6 o'clock at night in Kennedy.

And then you flew into Kennedy like a genius that you are. They don't have any nonstop flights to LaGuardia. Then you don't go. That's it. That's how you get out of it. You got to go over there for fucking the week after Christmas and get stuck on an airport like these idiots did. No one got stuck. Yes, you did.

You got delayed for two or three hours. Oh, my God. You got it to Kennedy at seven like an idiot again. After we just told you the week before to take the early flight. Seven, six out. Everybody get up. I don't give a fuck. If not, you stay here on your own.

Honeymoon or no fucking honeymoon. I wish that's how it worked. You literally just, you literally just the same day had a three o'clock flight. Why? Did I have a three o'clock? Because you chose a cool airline. Right. And they only have two flights a day.

Right. And I, one here and one there. You didn't take a cool airline. They don't have cool. You took a fucking shit airline. I know she's a millionaire, but you sat and coach in the middle, smelling other Hindus and God knows what. And you left at 10 o'clock.

So, you know, why all this money are you going to have? All this money that's sitting in the back with fucking civilians again. The woman's in the back. I don't get it. Oh, you sat in the middle. Big fucking deal. With all that money with 10 pharmacies? I'd be in first class, four seats.

And she sits there and I sit here. I got my own seat. You sit there. You eat the fucking cauliflower. I'm going to sit right here and do what the fuck I want. Scratch my balls, sniff my fingers. They got you in the middle. Oh, we got more leg room.

What the fuck? You just told me she had a building. What the fuck? Legroom. Cash the building in. Her parents have stuff. Who gives the fuck? Then go hit them up. I married your daughter.

She told me she told me she had money. It's over. No one told me. For now on, it's first class. tickets all the way, or we don't go nowhere, darling. First class.

Well, we don't go nowhere. I didn't marry you for fucking help. I married you because you had millions. Let's do this shit. Oh, Jesus Christ. Right? That's what you told us on the player. No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. She's got a million dollars. Oh, my God. You're saying on stage, the whole fucking thing. I don't say shit. And now you're married and you're stuck in coach in the back. We got extra leg room and we left at 10.30. Yeah, great.

What the fuck is wrong with you at least? Nothing. No, it was not delayed. It was 1 o'clock here. It's a five-hour flight. God, damn it. Five-hour flight. Oh, my God.

Unbelievable. It's in the middle again. No one's at the middle. As soon as you fucking get that ring on, bitch, it's over. Okay? We're getting a limo to that place. There's going to be a guy cooking real food. That's not how it works.

Well, then what do you get married for? Because I love, what do you mean when I get married for? No, I didn't. She's got millions of dollars. No one said that. In the plane from Florida. Did he not say that to us? That was not the reason we were going over and over.

It was not. She's got. She's got millions. You don't understand? She's got millions of dollars. Oh, you're such a liar. I can't put this out. This is not,

what are you talking about? And now you're sitting in the middle of a plane. This is not the truth. This is the truth. It is not the reason I said. Everybody, you say it on stage. She's got millions of dollars.

She's got a lot of money. Then what the fuck you're sitting in coach for? If you got all that money. Oh my God. What a waste of fucking money to sit and coach and sniff fucking Arab feet back there. Why'd you marry a rich? girl. I marry a poor girl.

Why? Because she's an idiot and she married me. I don't fucking know. Boy, you have this big deal, this wedding, the money. She's not getting a building. She's a millionaire. And two weeks of the row, you're sitting in the back of the plane like an immigrant. Like fucking that Maduro had a better ticket. You know what I'm saying? They even gave Maduro a better ticket. You're killing me. You're killing me, though. Millions of dollars to sit in the middle and fucking smell farts.

Maduro had a first class ticket with his wife. They were rubbing his feet. The whole thing. And that's a DEA. They don't rub nobody's feet. Holy shit, dude. It's the truth. No, it's not.

She's got millions. I'm sitting in the middle. I'm sitting in the fucking middle like an idiot. Like, fucking, I had nothing. Because no one pay, because I pay for shit. Huh? Because I pay for shit. You know, tell them, listen, that's over with.

It's over. In fact, I'm quitting my job next week. You got all these millions. Tell daddy, Papa, to give you a job in the, pharmacy a no-show job. That's it. You go over there, you put aspirins on the shelf. I'm not doing this. And you go home. And I'm going to Colorado next week. I need two first class.

But you're going to start acting like that cop and scarface. We need two. Remember what he told Tony? I need two rounds trip tickets to Europe. First class. Make it an early flight. 7 a.m. 6. So we get to our destination. So we have a day to breathe before we have to go back to work on Monday. We just don't get off the plane like Puerto Ricans.

Go home, throw your laundry, and now you've got to go to work the next bed. Right? Don't tell me you. I just say she was a millionaire. Yes, you did. She got a lot of money. Yes. You're using different.

I never said any of that. I never said there was a reason I was marrying her. You said she was a millionaire on stage. I say she has more money than me. You're giggling on stage. Yeah. Money. What the fuck are we doing with coach?

Give me a break. Because that's how life works. Do you remember how it was? Remember like I told you about Paul's mother? If she ain't cooking, what's she doing here? Oh, my God. If we're not sitting in first class, what are you doing here? You know what I'm saying?

I could have married some chick with it. Points on that visa or something like that. That could have got me into first class. Quints on their visa. Yeah, like American Express car with points on that visa. They get foot massages and shit. Who's your honeymoon? You're sitting in coach like a dunce.

You got to sit in first class and tell people. A lot of money. She got a lot of money. Don't worry about nothing. No. Just go up. When people look at you go like this. Just look.

I married correctly. I'm wearing sandals, but I got a million cash in the house. So who's really rocking this motherfucker? You know what I'm saying? I'm wearing a chic towel. But I got a million fucking Berabonds hidden. I love you, Lee.

I love you, too. But you got to get it together. That's it. No more coach tickets. You married into money, Hindu money. You got to go down there and tell them how it's going to be. I can't put any of this in the fucking podcast. Yes, you can.

No, I'm not. Yes, you have to. No. Because you said it. I did not say that, dude. Did anybody not hear him say she had a lot of money? Tell me the truth. You're asking for, oh, I say she has more money than me.

I don't say it. No, no, no, no, no, no reason we got married. In Philadelphia, I was sitting right there and both years were giggling. Yes, it's a joke that I had. No, it's not a joke, but you said it. She's a millionaire. I said, yes. And now you're sitting in coach.

But that's not why she's married. And it's her parents' money. Yeah, the parents got money. It's time for you to go up there and tell what kind of parents want that kind of got to marry their no. They all do. Listen, millions of dollars. I don't need them. I'm Jewish.

I'm Jewish. I'm a king. You understand me? You people are my servants. Okay. So that's it. I don't want to work. I don't want to do nothing.

I want to fly first class all around the world. That's how that works. Sure. Just come back on Monday to do the podcast. That's what I would do or do it on Zoom. What the fuck? You're going to sit by the U.N. the rest of your life now?

You got a. Go, Jack. Go! Oh, my God. I got to go tell those people. This is how it is. I'm a Jew. My mother used to cut my toenails.

I was 35. I need people to take care of me. You know what I'm saying? Now when I fly, get the jet. We got to go. Get the jet. It's been another fun-filled episode. Where are you at this week?

This week, I'm at the comedy shop during the week. And then on Saturday, I'm at artisan. brewery in Saratoga, New York. Very excited. Ooh, how far is that? Three hours. Another brewery? Yeah.

Not the one. No, another one in Hartford that I shut down. This one seems to be doing well, thank God. All right. We got the dojo Wednesday night. That's it. Oh, I want to talk to you people. There's a benefit for Marlboro football at the Thursday at Uncle Vinnie's.

It's Jimmy Florentine, McMahon, a couple guys. They're funny. If you're not doing anything, go buy some tickets. Uncle Vinny doesn't have the tickets at the door. Just go down there and buy the tickets that night. I don't know exactly what the charity's for. But there'll be nobody writing on coach on that fucking trip.

You know what I'm saying? First class now, Lee, with sandals, everything. Paint your toenails, put a diamond in the fucking toenail. Are you kidding me? You're a Jew. That's how Jews live. You don't see Jews in Coach Lee. Only acidic.

Dude, you don't pay for first class. You. Yeah, I do. When the comedy club's giving you some money for it, you buy coach ticket to get upgraded. Who told you that? You. I never bought a coat ticket in the last five or six years. When I was flying a lot and American Airlines would upgrade me a lot.

But besides that, nobody upgrades me. And if you're waiting there to get upgraded, you get to the airport thinking you're going to be in first class. It's not happening. It's your honeymoon. And this wasn't even a honeymoon. Like, we're going to do a bigger one of an actual one. It's your fucking honeymoon. That's it.

No more trips. You got shit to doing people to see. You want to go on a honeymoon It's first class. All the way. Everything. Limo drive. A guy playing Indian music.

You know how we do it. And that's how we do it. If you're going to be an Indian, you might as well rock like one. Who said I'm an Indian? You did. You threw your Yamika away and everything. No, I didn't.

I wore my Yamaka at the fucking wedding. It's probably got cauliflower in it or something right now. It does. It's a fucking Jewish taco. No, no more. Coach, okay? You married a rich chick with her own building and they got buildings and shit.

I ain't got no buildings. Remember what I told you, living like a doctor? Yeah, I haven't heard. Listen, what are you talking about? Living like a doctor has nothing to do with money. It never does. Well, it has to if you're paying for it.

No, it's an expression in your head. It's like a state of mind. You're living like a doctor. When a club would give me $7.50 And the ticket would be $1,000. But 300, I'm living like a king. Yeah, if that was an option, but I don't have, no one's giving me. It's $2,000 each way for the first class ticket.

No, no, no, no, no. That's when you get that oil money. You get that Indian money. You get that pharmaceutical money, that Hadiq, hydrochre cold roll money. They get that shit. They get kickbacks from that family over there. It's not my mind. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what it's yours or not. It's yours now. No, it's not. You're the king. You got to go on that demand shit. I married your daughter. I kept it in a good place. I really don't think this is good advice.

I want $4,000 a week. $4,000 a week. That's not going to cover my first class ticket. But they're going to give you $2,000. So you're going to get $8,000 a month. That's $96,000 a fucking year. Okay? That's not bad for fucking doing nothing of the pharmacy.

And then you shake them down for the plane tickets and big kids. No one's shaking down. What are you talking? You're out of your mind. You're going to shake them down. That's it. You're not flying in coach no more. It's over.

You're going straight fucking idiot. She's rich. What the fuck? You think if Terry was rich, I'd be sitting here with you. I'd be fucking somewhere smoking cars and driving or picking her up. I don't even know. What are you waiting for to get a Lamborghini for? What?

Yeah, you might as well get a Lamborghini in New York fucking drive it around. Yeah. You're taking this the wrong way, Lee, and you're not taking it for what it is. You gave your life. You got married. It's over. What's over? They got more money than you.

I'm caving. I'm caving. I need your cash. Go over there, see the Nd deals. with them. Oh, my. Yeah. Tell them you

want a cyber truck and the whole fucking thing. It's over. I married your daughter. That's it. I'm not living like this. Now I got to live cheaply.

Uh-uh. Pharmacies, the whole fucking thing. I want limos. I want bitches. I want a little guy playing a snake all day long. I'd have him here with me right now.

Oh, I was trying to train one right now. 200 a day. Give him 200 a day. Don't stop fucking. I don't want that snake to sleep. You know what I'm saying? Don't give him a pillow at all.

Holy shit. It was another fun-filled episode. And we have the St. George Theater on the 31st in Staten Island. Get ready. Tickets are moving fast. So get your shit together. You want to say anything? I love you guys.

That's it. I don't know what you want to say, dude. I love you, motherfuckers at all my heart. And we love Lee here. We just got to keep him in check here because he's flipping all right. ready. He's been married a week. He's already falling through the caves and shit. Not flying first class to Vegas. Are you fucking kidding me? I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. Stay black. See you next week.