Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - What's up pigeon breath?

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

This week on The Check In Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt why he has been thinking about his time in Denver, what he did in the closet in Las Vegas, and why he is so excited for the new office. Support the show and get your new Mint Mobile 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month. Head to ⁠mintmobile.com/diaz ⁠ This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at ⁠https://www.betterhelp.com/diaz⁠ and get on your way to being your best self. Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers get $200 in bonus bets when they bet $5! 

What's up, buddy? What's up there pigeon breath everything all right? Fucker And people talk to me on the road now in your voice by the way And it just it sucks because everything you say in my voice is funny anything anyone says is funny Good to know But it's fucking annoying. How many edible G tonight? Don't come in here with one fucking little gun Who came in here with one gun buddy 200 tonight cuz I as of next week you're in training keep popping Don't worry about nothing keep popping. No. Yeah, no, why would I be worried? I'm just gonna fucking live on live on this balcony

That's perfect. You don't want to walk down those stairs. Anyway anyway I don't know how many walk down the stairs on those fucking mushrooms. I don't know how you're gonna walk up those fucking Yeah, that's the way that you're right. That's the most important question Who's gonna have a sublet apartment somewhere just say yeah walk upstairs You can have like a little room a little Jew house somewhere fuck in the That's it you look up and you like you know what not today Tomorrow but not today. I'm gonna know fuck it walk stairs I'm never in the mood to go upstairs. I

Had to bring my suitcase up I did yesterday and I just looked at it Bring the suitcase up. That's the worst part And I look like I sound like an asshole cuz I'm huffing and puffing and I look like an asshole I'm just lugging this huge fucking suitcase I told you gotta get like a little fucking Something in the backyard that you could fucking throw up like a rope Today I went to the pharmacy right the pharmacy's closed from 1 32 for lunch They take lunch the pharmacist CVS

Of course they do look at how pissed you are but why can't they take a lunch? They're working the people are dying But I get that right I get there like a 158 I pull up to the window I got music glass that I lower it and I'm waiting for the window to open, you know, it's like an electronic window Mm-hmm. Also, I see a lady fucking pushing a rope and I'm like Lee's looking for you. You know A little great up and down. Yeah, like she was pulling in CBS. You got to get a dumb way to what the fuck Don't have a press the CBS like fucking how do they get in at night? You can't just have that gate At the window they might maybe

But maybe they just have someone that who lives back there and just lifts up the thing I could you imagine being lifted to your apartment that'd be amazing. Doug, I'm telling you right now you should invest in a fucking, what's that company? The sling rope? What's that company you took down in California? The zip line? I did not take down a zip line by the way. It's still there. They changed names. They had a little accident, but everyone's still there. I didn't take anything. God damn, God damn it. I'm gonna be 80 years old and someone be like, what about the zip line? How about a little Puerto Rican zip line up there? there You theory yeah, and there is so if he comes over and just pulls you up It takes like four minutes you give them the small pen You have you heard of like a task rabbit Do you know what that is where like you can hire someone to come to your house to do whatever you want?

No No, you I had them build some furniture you you haven't you would never do something like this No, I'm not that I don't have that type of money to have people come over the house and build shit You just sit there with a cigarette telling them they watch the furniture, you know, I ain't that rich dog It costs like thirty dollars to have something put together question. Who do you think takes that job for thirty dollars? People who need it, I don't know they were very nice when they came over sure that nice they did $30. I'm saying $30 is $30 and they're probably hitting them up. They got only get like 20 bucks It takes an hour right when they came over it. Yeah, some of it took a little bit longer

I had some guy build some outdoor stuff. I had some guy built a TV stand It's not but I was like I wonder if I could hire someone to just have like a standing appointment To just bring me up the stairs I built a TV stand it's not but I was like I wonder if I could hire someone to just have like a standing appointment To just bring me up the stairs Like Carrie. Oh listen in New York. You'll find whatever your fucking desires. You understand. Oh, I can't even imagine You get yourself a little old chick with those Nancy Pelosi titties to fucking huh? The stairs and you squeeze a little wooden titties while you go up the stairs everybody wins you know saying it's a win-win situation for everybody why would I want to squeeze

90 year old diddy because they're ancient and they're hard like the way they're not really selling it at all and they're hard I like Nancy Pelosi's titties I would squeeze them if I saw. She's got some banging titties. Never forget that shit. Her face is all fucked up, but when she dies, those titties ain't gonna move in the casket. Oh, she's Jewish, right? No. I don't think Jews are allowed to get fake titties. I don't know. At that point, they do what they want. Once you're a congressman or whatever the fuck she do, you do what you want. Listen, the Jews will come over here, but if they cremate it, those tits won't burn. They'll

be at the end, the other side looking like two burnt coconuts and shit with three eyes. You know how coconuts got those three little eyes and shit? What do you mean eyes? Yeah, when you look at a coconut, they always have like an indentation of eyes and fucking them, you know, whatever listen I took a tropical class when I was in college. Don't worry. Don't ask the questions How was last week with the YouTube sensation Boston was an interesting week. It was a great week Thank Jim Florentine did great. I opened up for him on Thursday But it was in the person who I opened up for all week was a great guy, very nice, very funny.

But it was interesting because it like every once in a while, someone will come up to me and show me like, oh, it's my first comedy show, which I don't. To me, that's crazy that you're 30 years old and never been to a comedy show. But this for a lot of the like his audience was like their first comedy show. So it was an interesting and it was all, it was a cool week because I started in Boston like in like front of like young people in Boston. Then the rest of the week was in Springfield, Massachusetts

in like, you know, two hours west of Boston. There's nothing there but a casino and like drugs. People. Yeah. West of Boston, there's nothing there but a casino and like drugs people Yeah The only cool thing there's the basketball Hall of Fame like that I could see you if you were ever in that area Yeah, I know it's I've been there before I haven't I think I've been to Cooper's field But I didn't go to Springfield 15 fucking years ago. Oh, yeah. Yeah, was it any good? No The whole chain went down the fucking drink and the guy bought it

There was two clubs when he took it over and there were powerful clubs in Jersey and then he bought bought him and he added two clubs and It just went under what a shame But it was it was fun. I got to be I got to hang out at the casino all weekend Which was a good time? And it just felt like the last time I was at this club I didn't do well because it's like a huge it's in like a castle almost So like the the it's like super echoey and it just it just took some getting used to but it was fun

Actually, I was wondering like I had an experience a couple of weeks ago where I was opening for somebody and that person also brought an opener. And that opener, I don't necessarily know if he was trying to get in my head or not, but he was like, oh yeah, I don't know if you need to come tomorrow. Maybe you can host.

And I'm like, the club booked me and like It kind of pumped and I destroyed him the next night. Yeah That's what you do out of respect. You're fucking laying out of Fucker, okay. Yeah, you're sure I saw you last night. You sure yeah, well fucking Oakey doik burpee with him. Okay, and Just when they get on stage, stage don't even know what that is Right because they've never worked at it They think it's just going up there with the water cooler with your fucking buddies and talking But I have people come up to me and go yeah, I can talk shit for 30 minutes. All right

Do it Anybody can talk shit for 30 minutes, but they know what they're doing is a complete different situation. You know, yeah, it's only because 20 years ago this shit started with reality TV Mm-hmm, and people started getting hot and every once in a while the improvs were book. Um, hmm There was this one guy that wasn't the funniest guy in the world. In fact, he was out of comedy He was selling real estate in Southern California His big joke was he would come out with his pants on fire and go it's hot in here or something

They would throw now. Yeah, nice guy. Hell of a nice guy. Hell of a nice guy I'm not saying anything bad about anybody. But what I'm saying is this is what happens I'm not saying anything bad about anybody, but what I'm saying is this is what happens The guy picked up heat they gave him a couple Southern California shows and he sold out. It was like a marriage thing He was like a bachelorette dude, but in real life. He was a very good comic He was a regular at the improv. He was just old and he decided to go through real estate So they put him on the road What about every improv on Thursday nights like he just went you know from? Tempe to whatever

Let me tell you something there was a comic named Robert Shimmer. I've heard of him. Yeah Robert Shimmer was a funny motherfucker great guy He was on the young comedian special with Rodney with that all-star the one I like a lot I mean you have to be really good to be on that one and He was like, okay, so He was not like for the clubs that that dude was coming in on Thursday. So what the club did Was they took the Thursday from shiml and out of the Sunday For shiml and he would have to move to Sunday right shiml didn't like that he didn't write

He didn't say a word. He just canceled those weeks at midnight the day before the Friday and They would lose their fucking minds the one weekend. I got the headline cuz I was there already but nice That's how crazy he was he canceled them. They would come into the club at 8 o'clock. There'd be a fax From rubbish, let's go feel good Do you remember when you were able to make that shift and I don't know it might be different for you but like when you went to got to make that shift from like Almost doing whatever the club is want

To like now you get to kind of call the shots a little bit. That must be cool Well, listen Lee if you know anything about me, right? I Didn't give a fuck I Didn't give a fuck like I was a loyal soldier when I was in Boulder. I was very good on the triple runs. And then I moved to Seattle and I realized that like everything else in life, there's a lot of people think they know what they're talking about and they think they're geniuses. And you know, like there was a couple of people, like I booked a couple. When I lived in Seattle was when I really had a hard time on the road.

Those 18 months when I, when I took a plane somewhere, it was a nightmare for me. It was always a nightmare. Like I went to West Palm beach one time, but they put me in Davie had a club where the Miami Dolphins practice. So it was in Davey, Florida. And then they had a club in Fort Lauderdale and West Palm Beach. I still remember getting like letters from them hate mail. And then years later, they booked me in a different club when they all joined ventures. The memorable club to me that I did one weekend and caused havoc and I even told her send me home. Like you're the manager. Yeah, I didn't like her at all. I didn't like

her at all. And what did she do? Like what did you do you didn't like? First off, they made it very difficult to work there. Like she was part of this like women crew that was running comedy and They knew everything about comedy and you know They disappeared them bitches. I don't know what the fuck happened for them. They disappeared There was a couple of them that were just acting not good Lee The lady in Florida the lady in Cleveland that woman there was like six or seven women that would just fucking rude That's the worst and it's not even just well, I'm sure you ran into guys who are assholes, too

Oh, these were even worth it was a little click man. I remember one time I booked a fucking Penzol commercial three days on a penz or commercial and I called this lady three days before and said Sarah I Had Buffalo Miami and something else And I called up and I was Sarah got a problem Can I come in on Thursday because I booked a national pens or commercial first thing she did was hung up on me That was annually Yeah Then the next morning she called me commercial first thing she did was hung up on me that Was annually?

Yeah Then the next morning she called me And she's like, are you sure you want to cancel over a stupid commercial? I'm like, yeah, I have to have no choice She goes where you just lost this week a week in Miami in a week in Cleveland. I Didn't say nothing I just she just hung up the phone then the lady in Idaho boys Yeah, I forget what her name was but everybody was like, oh my god You know, she was one of those chicks with the glasses and the tattoo already and you know And I still remember who the headliner was. I even had a beef with him that week, but we apologized. It was great

I'm not gonna mention any names But it was just a week from now like she came up to me and told me rules at that time I was doing comedy like seven years and I'm like you know what I don't like these fucking rules and those days I didn't mind working Sundays because I didn't have a house anyway right in your hotel so I didn't mind. Once I moved to Los Angeles and got settled and did about 20 of those Sundays, was one day I go, why are we here? Especially during football season.

Why are we here? To see 70 fucking people. You gave away every ticket. I don't understand why we're here. And I made up my mind in Dallas. That's the last time I worked a Sunday. I'm like you, I'll work a Sunday in Jersey because I live here now,

but I ain't working on something else or fucking on the road, you know what I'm saying? But anyway, who gives a fuck about all that? It's the 22nd, what is it? The 23rd of the month or something? The 22nd. 22 fucking second week away from boohoo

The years over yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's get this party started a beautiful fucking Tuesday morning The check-in is brought to you by mint mobile Listen your cell phone bill shouldn't be a luxury expense. All right, mint mobile has awesome service for just $15 a month. That's right $15 a month $15 a month all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talks and tax Delivered on the nation's largest 5g network. Listen from uncle Joey to you. It doesn't get better than this My neighbor's got mid-mobile. He's older.

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Do yourself a favor. Get this new customer offer and your three month premium wireless plan for just 15 a month go to mintmobile.com slash diaz again to get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan just for 15 a month go to mintm.com slash Diaz that's mint mobile.com slash Diaz Diaz cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile.com slash Diaz $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month new customers on first three month plan only speed slower than 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees and restrictions. do it. I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking.

I haven't been eating mushrooms so I ate it. My friend gave me a chocolate bar. the Two days I've been planning these things. I haven't touched them. I'm on a sabbatical to you get back to I can kill you one night What is that? Why is that the goal to kill someone? Well, because what else I got going on I got nothing going on. I'm as well fucking I got shit going on I don't like it killed with but he calls me up Like dude, you have the craziest retirement quote unquote retirement ever because you call me up and you like were taking me through like the tests you're running on these mushrooms you're like making your own things like you're you're sprinkling stuff on them who does like who does this with with mushrooms i'm growing them in the closet i got the system down

I'm growing them in the closet. I got the system down I'm gonna fucking get them now. I got nothing that but I Couldn't grow a fucking nothing. No. No, I don't know how to grow anything I'm not like a farm, but I thought I don't know I thought you had not necessarily grow but like, you know how you want experiments on flies I think you're right. Oh you and I taught you right and the next morning I forget I forgot all about that conversation with the mushrooms It's how do you forget about it? That's all I've been thinking about because I just say these things I say these things I'm improvising as I go because I could feel your emotions break down on the phone

Yeah, you said they had flavors this time. I didn't well None of it none of its real. No, I got the flag like it's I'm in Shutter Island now I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know Texture when things get heavy we pick up we take it to a little place to seek off You're not picking me up. Who's picking me up. They give you a view of the metal and nice Dude, you go places in this and don't go in if there's stairs how you pick I you there's no way you're picking me up If I'm on the floor, let's not picking you up I'm picking you up in the city. I'm gonna drive you to this place to seek office They hold you they put a white jacket on you. You're going there for a week or two You look out the window you sing little retarded songs like veto from the godfather godfather

To when he was looking out the window He's just sitting like a fucking you know Anyway, and that's what these are fucking Jesus Christ you listen to continuation some motherfucker Sent me three bags of those bubble fucking things. What are all things? Like more of the edibles The fuck The Bubble gum the blow pops. I think

Through me fucking three bags I get home Saturday, I'm like, what is that bag of steps? I Open it up. It's three bubble back. I gave to them for my daughter for the softball weekend I kept the other one only swallow like two balls It was a purple one I want to test it and see what happens what do you mean what's gonna happen? I don't know Maybe eat a purple one and swallow it. You never know Jesus if you go to the hospital see a purple bubble They're like what the fuck is going on? Love to see what a doctor would say has a doctor said anything fucked up to you No

Nothing like nothing with like your weed amount or anything. They get me out of this as possible. I start talking What's nice that talking about fungi toenails and stuff I do hits at seven in the morning. I want to hear that shit Does not want a school as a motherfucker, but he don't want to hear that my My heart doctor is about 60. He's fucking big. He's strong. He's Jewish He's probably on his way over the fuck and I ran by himself on a parachute right now That dude is an oh nonsense motherfucker They're just gonna blow him out of a parachute boom He's gonna shoot people and then be a heart doctor to the Israelis or whatever

I don't know could you imagine if you saw your doctor on CNN or something? Oh my god You do if you saw him with like a gun I? Wanted him I? Love it. It'd be better if he got shot in the leg so I could see that you know so I could tell him Hey, you're a soldier. You know I'm saying you guys leg and you fucking Ran away with your little stump and never bothered nobody That was pretty crazy because you called me last week when when that guy with the drone Like you could just see the whole thing like the droning because throwing shit at the drone

It's insane. It's the same this shit. shit they got that motherfucker they got a drone that you like your cigarette and the drone lights it for you as they blow you up fucking tremendous you can't yeah right this shit and speaking of like the news dude what do you have do you know at all what's going on in Cuba right now yeah they got no electricity fuck them I told them ten years ago to get out of there. You know saying what they're gonna do They're gonna sit there and keep waiting for pamphlets enough is enough. God ain't coming back and he sure ain't going there What's he gonna do? What are you gonna do? Yeah, you're sitting there. There's no cows. There's no dirt It's fucking nothing. They can't they can't they got their smoking half cig're just waiting. You know, my cousin, you know, I checked in with them. Ari's supposed

to be going, but I told Carl, you better bring candles with you in the fucking creepy vampire. You know what I'm saying? Like, I can't even imagine. Like, are they allowed to come here now or like, did we close that again? I have no idea we are you know listen Those people I respect them It's so weird what I respect from people like today. I went to the gym. I'm on antibiotics I was sucking wind in the gym this morning. Just riding the bike and Stretching I was sucking fucking wind And I'm feeling bad about myself and I walk out as I walk out Sandra was walking in getting out of an uber

That's a 91 year old that works out at my gym She was having out of an uber and I just wave that I know Sandra you bad motherfucker. She fell on her face Because she lost the stepping and she looked like Phantom of the Opera for two weeks She had bruises all three and she kept showing up at the fucking gym guys That blows me apart like from there I went to boxing and then I really almost died this morning, but because of the antibiotics But it's so weird. You really have to put this into perspective We have a hard time driving an hour and a half someplace right absolutely

And when I say hour and a half, I'm measuring 90 miles Even if you're fucking slow, even if you have a peg leg, you could do a mile an hour, you know 60 miles an hour, right? What would this this is always fucking baffled me What possesses people? To put two belongings on a raft with another family and some guy down the corner To do 90 miles to change their lives But meanwhile We have people that won't do a fucking thing to change their lives.

If you think these people get on a boat for fame and fortune, no. They're just getting on a boat to live like normal human beings. To have the wants that everybody in the world has. You think about that. That fucking always has fucked me up. That has always said to me, number where I come from those people are tough and number two Just that

because listen For everyone that makes it three boats go down Those are shark-infested waters. It's a nightmare when they turn the lights off It is pretty crazy to think that they're willing to do that just to get here. Yeah, I mean You don't know what fear is And again, I've never been there But I just imagine it you don't know what fear is to you in the ocean at night You ever look at the beach at night and go what the fuck is out there and the waves are coming in

Every once in a while you think you see nothing, but it's your mind playing tricks on me But and they have everything in their whole life like their whole life is with them on a raft not really Because how much can you bring with you on the raft? That's my whole point exactly like they don't have water They bring water a change of underwear tuner the can Crackers There's no protection against the Sun So if you're out there in the daytime, that's wide open all day. You get blisters you burn out there

So think about what some people do for their freedoms, but we got these jimosa the allergic to peanuts and you know Go to Cuba and give up peanuts and see how many people gonna go now We're allergic. I break out into highs. That's that's rich people fucking diseases You know I'm saying like it puts everything into perspective. What the listen these immigrants that walked up from whatever fucking country they did listen Yeah, we got a lot of sh of riffraff coming in and gangs and terrorists But think of the people who woke up one day and said I'm going there man I'm gonna go there first without my wife and kid I'm gonna go over that bitch a fucking flag and then come back and get them

And it takes a long time sometimes it takes like can take 10 20 years No, I mean, you know if you come back here and sell coke Yeah, but if you come back you get a job as a landscaper and then move up the foot today I saw four Mexican guys pushing a fucking Ford The car just blew up and they were on like fucking road pushing it and I giggled for 10 seconds And I said Can you imagine Lee like that was our car? The family car we had to use it to go to work and now it's done

They had the hood open. They had the fucking extinguisher something blew up. They were pushing it They didn't have enough the the fat Mexican cousin got out that motherfucker hasn't worked in years He's like the driver and he was put you know It's it's when you see these things it goes. What the fuck am I thinking? What the fuck are the people around me thinking? Oh And it's not even just like people who aren't like coming from other places Like I think about it a lot like I don't have a fancy car. I have a Hyundai but like

New car I just That's why you can afford people to come over the house and build things I'm surprised you don't hire people to make you like models. Come on over a puzzle for me. You know what I'm saying? I can do that. Yeah, that's pretty badass. Just like a real power trip but I like just like to be able to get a car when you need one or like There's a lot of people who like what if your car breaks your fuck? You just don't have a car now And i've been lucky to not be in that situation You know right now what people don't know and I don't do this podcast to scare people but I see this happening now

People are getting their household sold from under them. You know, it's the end of a generation. My mother's old, she lives in California, she doesn't wanna, so you're leaving this house paying like a normal rent, and now you're going out to the real world. And I know two people right now that are fucking worried. Like they're like, I don't know if I can afford an apartment my brother and I'm really

worried about and I told him I'll do whatever I can to help him you know but it's what's gonna start happening I never even thought of this this guy's set on a budget he's been living six years, you know, he has a budget he settled in and if he has to go up six or 700 a month, that's not good. That's not good. The American will never retire at 65. The American will always have a part-time job to their fucking 90, you know because How can we you're not gonna live on social security? But none of these people who listen to this fucking show care about social care like me fuck it when God calls I'll be ready. You know saying

No, but I think they get it. They totally get it from like the housing perspective. Yeah It sucks it's getting rougher and rougher, you know, what I tell you on the church five years ago. I Told you a lot of stupid things But one thing I would always tell people and look at them and people used to fucking laugh at me. I Remember people going like go fuck yourself. You don't know what you're talking about Nobody's to go if you're living with your mother stay there Yeah Do you remember I told you like a year before the pandemic? I'm like dog if you're living at home

I know you don't like it. I can't imagine having to fuck with a fucking muzzle on or having to eat ass and listen to your mom and Whoever else lives in the house. You got to take their ear beatens I don't like that either but Staying home because it's gonna get wild and look I didn't know anything like this I was just fucking around but till this day I believe it You know when people come to this country like the Chinese for example I've always studied the Chinese when I was in the 70s sure not their books and shit yeah, I know about I've always studied the Chinese. When I was in the 70s, sure,

not their books and shit. Yeah, I know about the Ming dynasty and the, but when I was a kid, I used to watch it. I used to go to a Chinese restaurant in New York and I used to go to a Chinese restaurant in Jersey, the New Moon Chinese restaurant. Okay. They all spoke to each other like they were family. I didn't know what they were saying, but at both of those restaurants, there were always kids. If you went there at 8.30, the kids were there doing homework. The one boy was falling asleep at the table. They closed at nine.

That means they didn't have a baby set up. That means they weren't going to work with their parents. And I went to a restaurant in New York where It was the same thing and the one in Jersey They all lived together and they grew together when they got money. They all bought something together And then they busted out when they made a little bit of money and that's what a family is all about I guess I never had a family like that, but That's why I said it's time to move back in with mom and see what we can fucking do in this house. Oh, I was in that exact scenario. I left immediately after graduating

college. I was home for, I think, three days and I drove right to LA. And then when we when we left LA and I went back to my mom's like, at first I was like, I don't know how I feel about this. I felt a little bit bad about myself. I was like, you know, it'll just be for COVID. And then it was, it'll be four years. It would have been four years this month. And it was great. It was great to spend time with her. Say whatever she gave you, a bedroom, a basement,

it didn't matter. You know, it was just, it's not the home you grew up in, correct? No. No, so it didn't fucking matter but you're still home and You know things are getting fucking pride though I I Go get shit from time to time and I just walk out and shake my head Like I say, which is $15 now

Like Subway should be making a fucking killing now They probably but but they're everything for them is more expensive to I like a fucking footer for 599 You know compare I go get a sandwich of a soda and it's 20 fucking bucks Lee 1819 listen, I don't raise my hand. It is what it is That's a lot of doli. I can't imagine being somebody the $1.50 for lunch. It's $1.50. Minimum if you go out that and I'm just saying $30. 22, you know, it's not $11 for lunch no more. So I'm seeing it now and going, Ooh,

when I go get gas now, it's like, Ooh, I got my truck back. So every time I can gas, I got tears in my eyes. I take a ride to New York, to Guttenberg I'm like, oh, that was real last night. That tank is on fucking And especially the way you drive but like that's why I like that's why I'm having so much fun I think doing stand-up Like I the people who are there I've noticed Seem to be a lot happier like happier like have you noticed that? I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like, oh, I'm like,'s why I like that's what I'm having so much fun. I think doing stand-up Like I the people who are there I've noticed Seem to be a lot happier like happier like have you noticed a difference now that you've been back a little bit and like the Audiences do they feel the same do they feel different at all?

I'm old school. I want that what he has to come in there a little bit disheveled Slow them down a little bit You know, mm-hmm, and then it takes like maybe seven or eight minutes to let yourself go from what's really going on and Really, you know you ever been there like in thought and you're like, I'm gonna do it when we're fucking uncle He's a fucking idiot and the whole drive day you're thinking about this idiot and then you get there and Maybe like four minutes in you get entertained and you go my fuck and you go, you know what? I'm just here to laugh

But what have I noticed? Yeah crowds are enthusiastic They're happier to see you because their world needs more comedy Mm-hmm, you could see it when you're up on stage, you know, like it's just the world needs more copy anything to throw them off the normal edge I Need comedy sometimes, you know, and I'm a fucking you know, I Need somebody to say something to me for me to fucking giggle from time to time to see if these mushrooms are real and Like have you do? Like whatever you are 30 years in and if you have a good set do you get off and I'll you

Do you feel pumped up now? Like is your like adrenaline going or is it like more normal? Do you know I put my career now my life into perspective the last four years? When I do comedy for me, it's always a window and the consumer is gonna feel that I'm not looking for fame Right. I'm not looking for fortune I'm an older man and I just want to get out of fucking house People laugh And I still think the crazy shit I Write I look at it three days later. They fucking giggle

So why not? Why am I gonna stay here? again I'm not doing this Thursday Friday Saturday. I Know I don't have that so I'm gonna give the people the I'm working with what I had You know a couple years ago when I joined you did so I go, you know What I'm not gonna go to Jiu-Jitsu no more because my knee I'm fat. I'm old and then I remember John John Machado Okay, he's got a hand that he had a he was born with a birth defect. He's got like three fingers missing He has gotten a coral belt in jujitsu.

Not because he gave up, but because he fucking worked at what he had. This doesn't work for me. I'm gonna use it to my advantage and work with it. Right now, like I said to you Lee, if I had to do a week on stage, I think after three nights the audience would feel it. I'm tired. I'm tired. You know a late show feel it. I'm tired I You know a late show I think I'm saying no to late shows Listen, let's do one show if you get it and you get it. I'm not I ain't going nowhere It's not like I'm going to fucking Connecticut or going to Pittsburgh for the next year. I'm gonna be centralized just trying to

You know add a couple clubs to the resume, whether I need them or not. I still need to. This week I have plans to go out a couple nights. And that said, it's a no-lose situation for me. It's kind of like I put myself back in 1994, back in 1993. I had gone through, I had been separated for two years, I had gone through all the mental anguish, I spent time in New York, I waited online, I fucking signed up

at an open mic, I had to wait three hours, I had to live with George, I didn't have any money. Okay, you shut the fucking noise off And you just have fun You don't have the rent money. What can I tell you? You don't have gas money call your friend to drive you These are the realities, but you can't not let them stop you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and it's but and it's cool. So like you're what you're basically saying is that you know And it's cool. So look, what you're basically saying is that,

the only reason you're doing this is for comedy right now. Like in 94, you were just out there to do comedy. Before I was to get a special to work this club for this book, or to like me, there was always a thing. This is a labor of love. I'm bringing some guys with me. Instead of bringing up two guys, I'll bring up three guys to give some guy love, to understand what the fuck is

going on. He's never done a theater, or he's never done a big venue or something. This is how you maneuver. So for me, listen, if I didn't have mercy, and I didn't have my wife, and I didn't have mercy and I didn't have my wife and I'd have to get up at six in the fucking morning God knows what I'd be doing right now. I told my wife the idea of breakfast. We were eating upstairs They go. Can you imagine our life right now without mercy? We'd be hating each other what did she say? Oh, yeah, you think so? We have no balance with her.

She gives us a little bit of a fucking balance and it keeps me afloat. If not, I just live on the road. That's what guys do. Once you get fucking old and you had your career and you had the sitcom, just go on the road. You lost your wife, the kids hate you. What are you gonna do? Stay at home and fucking, you know, you lost your wife, the kids hate you. What are you going to do? Stay at home and fucking, you know.

But you know what, man, I wanted to add some action to my life. The last four years have just been a little quiet, but I've been thinking. And then when I was I started watching. And I'm like, what are these fucking people doing? I think it's time for Uncle Joey to come back and just like I said, I don't care if you cancel me. I Don't care. I'm not gonna tell you to leave your phone put your phone in the bag because I don't want that new joke On YouTube. It's just power. I Can't wait for people to go. I'm not putting my phone in bag. Fuck you

I can't wait for people to go. I'm not putting my phone in bag. Fuck you Fuck you. You guys are just doing this to have control to all of my material and the artistic go fuck yourself Go fuck Knock it the fuck off. You're not that fucking important. Okay Yeah, it's like those No, I don't believe it. It's got to stop. It's just a power thing It's something to let you know Got to put the phones away. What's the reasoning?

You can't get a phone call. No because you can't tape my set. Well, I didn't know what you were saying beats Jesus So go fuck You know saying whenever you come down tell me that Jesus gave you a message and I put my fucking phone away the It is kind of weird. But it- It's the thing, morons pay for it. They say, hey, I put my phone in the bag. What are you fucking crazy? I'll break this fucking phone over your head. I got people, I got drug dealers calling me. What do you think? What you're trying to tell me is that fucking important? So you're telling me-

What you're pointing at everything. Oh, we don't, they play it like we don't want you to get fucking bothered. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up You know, then they started with well the act. I don't want my joke on YouTube Knock it off enough Enough, it's just you trying to be better It's just you fucking imposing communism. This is stand-up comedy. What you're saying ain't God's Word

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about So knock at the fuck off your bag Do you get upset when people record you though? Yeah, but this door guys Right. There's door guys Especially places you play some of those that I played don't have those oh, there's dog guys and they know the fucking deal That's why I don't play Joe Schmo's place right because they don't employ you go to Gotham try to take your camera You know

Places and they'll tell you listen put the camera away. Well, I got my right on go outside and take the traffic then You want it you want to take go outside? There's a thousand cars. It's like the Indianapolis fucking speedway out there in New York City It's crazy Hey, I'm talking to you. This episode is brought to you by better help It's scary to face your fears, but life will be even scarier if you don't. Let BetterHelp online therapy help you overcome your fears. Talk through your struggles with somebody to find solutions to problems. Let me explain something to you. I had some problems. I went to BetterHelp and I'm not even kidding you guys.

This morning I went to Ear Doctor and they put the biggest needle in my arm that I had ever seen before in my life And I saw it now nine out of ten I would have ran out of that room and said let me go to the bathroom and I would have gone to my car Got home. I would have called him and say good luck But because I worked at better help because I took care of these needle problems I had I didn't even feel the needle just remember you asked me what's better help better help is completely online just fill out a quick survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can have video calls phone calls or messages anytime you can even switch therapists at any point for no additional charge

until you find your perfect match that works with you But let me explain something to you better help will get you there They gave me exercises to do listen that my anxiety is zero now I have a stress tester on my watch on my wrist. I run medium all day Hot if Lee tells me some story, you know saying then I get hot but beside that Listen take off the mask with better help visit better help comm slash Diaz diaz Today to get 10% off your first month. Listen, you're going into the holidays a

Lot of feelings come up. There's the time of the year. No shame contact better help No shame contact better help Dot-com and pushing Diaz and what are you gonna get? You're gonna get your first month 10% off You're gonna find a therapist you're gonna work these things out start the new year Looking like tip top magoo Jack Better help comm slash Diaz DIAZ Happy Halloween. Oh Do I got good news for you savages listen, there's no need to stay up late this Saturday night

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And get 200 and bonus bets instantly so you can bet the rest of the night pick a fighter in the prelim I don't care put five hours on them. You're gonna get 200 to play with the rest of the night You're gonna watch the card. It's two in the afternoon. You can start drinking margaritas by 6 o'clock. Forget about it. It's all over either Topia wins or the Hawaiian wins and either way you go to the restaurant if the Spanish guy wins You go get yourself a little steak if the Hawaiian guy wins go to Loma knows Chucky Chucky restaurants and you jump up and down. I don't know what's got to do with draft cakes I'm just telling you it's a party this weekend Jack because it starts at 2 o'clock again Download new customers bet $5 get 200 and bonus bets

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In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-77777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over, age and it sucks right now. It's time for fucking people to go, what the fuck am I paying for and what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? Why am I paying for and what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? Why am I paying for the cheapest price for a Yankee ticket

for the World Series up in the third floor? It's like $1,200. I didn't know fucking Jesus made a comeback. I had no idea John Lennon made a comeback. The family of four had to pay $5, dollars and sit up in the fucking nosebleeds to see the goddamn World Series Don't what is crazy like although like the scalpers like how like how that's even legal. Oh, yeah Oh, they don't know how to control it. They have no idea they put blocks on the tickets You're gonna leave by four tickets. Listen, leave me the fuck alone

Everybody's another something everybody knows how these people making money a Decent American who works hard pays his taxes, you know pays the park Also, I want to take my kids to the World Series the way my father took me Grandfather took me to possible. It's two months before holidays is only a five G's in a lot of people unfortunately a lot of moms gonna be on only friends pretty soon showing that monkey so they can go to the circus and listen I got no money but here's my only fans go look at it I got hello asshole

it's tough yeah I want I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, Somebody else in your building go and see the first little black kid you see on the street a Puerto Rican kid with a glove Who's really gonna be something not your little white kid who gets scared when a ball gets hit to him? You know that little black kid right there a little Puerto Rican with the fucking half a glove on Missing teeth cuz he already got hit in the head with a hardball That's who goes through a World Series Yeah What did you ever go to a World Series game or would you go to one? I would go to one, absolutely, but I never had the privilege. The closest I came was to the National League East finals, like Cincinnati and the Mets

in 73. That's the closest I ever came. No World Series, no... Yeah. That's the closest I ever came No work there is no Yeah, that's that division player. Yeah, that's the closest But 1200 tickets too much you can't justify it especially not as it even I gotta sit up in the nosebleeds. I gotta walk up there. They got escalators Covid's coming back, you know fuck it. It's it's gonna be a miserable fucking Halloween, even though Two weeks ago, my wife brought home the Halloween candy the dummy left it out overnight

Huh No, I didn't need it all but I'm did gonna, I always tell her don't leave that shit out. Yeah. Hide that. She takes that in the other side of the house and I don't even look for it. Because that type of shit about midnight, that's the shit.

The other night I found another buzz. I went off, but she only buys four packs. Thank God. Worst I could do is four of them. I gotta open up like 22 of those fucking things. See what I'm saying? the the the the

the the the the the the Got a few bump into a little night. Oh look what we have here. Yeah, I bumped into a box of yodels And yodels up there because I don't open up that cabinet a lot but when I do Also, I got a nice complimentary box Of vodka from the boys

Very cool from those also Poros. Yeah, the fuck they are those boats. I don't know poor for Also, and they sent me a nice jacket some hooded sweatshirts a t-shirt. I haven't tried to Valky I'm gonna make one of those interesting man commercials. I don't do but what I do I think those also I think those are so Got like some little fag with playing the organ behind me with a little hat with a feather You know those guys when you go to a jazz bar

We know they they gotta let everybody know they play the piano listen relax all right Relax is a billion piano players go sit down some way go in a magic trick or something And this is all gonna be for their commercial Piano players go sit down some way go learn a magic trick or something No, yeah like no, I'm not gonna hire a piano guy with a little fucking I don't like those people anyway No, I was surprised to hear you say that I Can't wait till we get to bro, I got the office. I'm so excited. Thank you fucking just When I pulled up I was like, oh shit. Oh Shit, I can't wait to see it You know and I walked downstairs and I spoke to her and we got a good recommendation

And I gave all the stuff in already you know so I'm just waiting for the fucking go and my fucking nuts are gonna blow up you know I'm saying like a fucking like one of those sites in fucking Lebanon they're just gonna spew you know like the whole bad visual of the building and then you see a little Jewish missile come in and it just blows Nobody knows nothing. You don't see nobody blowing now. Why are you nuts about to explode? About his office for a while. This is for fucking years. We haven't had an office. We're running like fucking you know And we don't have to catch up in two weeks

What do you mean? What do you mean? What I mean? We don't think to catch up in two weeks. What do you mean? What do you mean what I mean? We don't have to take all of them at once. Take all of what at once? Everything, whatever you have planned. Oh, no, no, no, we're gonna slow it down. You're not gonna make it to Christmas. You're not gonna make it to Boston for the holidays.

Why are you tapping your face? Because I feel like you're gonna like. I'm wishing you all the best of luck. You're gonna be all right. I'll wipe your head with a towel. the the the the Listen don't ask questions, right? Just we're back in North Bergen, baby. We got some guests lined up already We're gonna get we're gonna blow their fucking minds. I Gotta get the office. We're gonna get a high five

I'm gonna put you know, we got to put like some effect of what we're thinking and where we're going with this is just gonna be black Because when we end this is just let's put black With a missile coming in because right on the Hudson baby. You know say What are the Hudson it's over that's I'm so excited you Asked if you like you could sit there on the balcony and look up and you'll see The UFOs all night long coming in going out Why would I see UFOs going? I'm gonna be fucked up and not one movie watching UFOs now me

I don't give a fuck but I know I've known they lived out there sister Since I came out of mom's snatch, but what I'm saying is that fucking you got the world by the balls of day You don't even go home. You got Cuban food. You got Cuban women you go down Burgerline Avenue You're gonna live what I lived when I get out of that you're gonna go, you know, I'm not taking no fucking ferry I'm go fuck yourself Drop me off on 32nd Street. I'm gonna walk around a little bit Go to those those are my load you come over there get that cubist that cubist take sandwich Maybe 15 minutes from the office

Is that the one where like the Yankees go? No, then you're talking about for years Yes, you've been talking about that for like 10 years. I've always wanted to try I'm also gonna take you to fucking high rooms that a deli No What's high rooms looking up real quick high rooms it up your dick's gonna get hard forget about it This episode is taking a turn hyrum's in for Lee yeah, just look at my rooms. Oh shit. It's chili dogs I haven't even taken you that dog. That's that's when I take you there. That's when you just That's when you just take them anybody i've taken that just takes the fucking ozempic needle and breaks it in half

Just break the ozempic they're like it's not gonna work here take your magic elsewhere, you know, I'm saying Oh, no, dude that place there since I'm a kid Lee the fucking hamburger that It's got a taste that only that place has. I'm not saying it's the best in the, I can sit here and tell you all, it's great. And I have not been there in close to maybe 2014. Listen, when you go in there, it's simple. Fries, a burger, a hot dog, and a yule. That's it. That's like the menu. Anything after that, you fucking go for it. God bless you.

God bless you. Last week I went up there and I went to Rudy's. Oh yeah. I called George the Framer. I saw a fucking slick Nick, slinging Dick, the next congressman of New Jersey. And it just feels good to go up there on Mondays. I go up there early maybe train one of my buddies now I do they do jiu-jitsu and shit

Take a shower any of those places and then just shoot and do the podcast That'll be a blast and it's gonna be good to see you in because this has been great But did you see a person to be way different. I can't I'm all zoomed up I'm all camera it up. I got more everybody seen these videos before I was chewing that mushroom before I clicked into this I'm trying to Get it down. I'm like how many people seen this video right now Russia. They're watching me go look at this jerk off Enough of those videos And got a little whack off our cameras sit there fucking, you know, like Johnny boom bots fucking losing an eye No, thank God. You don't jerk up. Why would you jerk off on camera because people do that much

When looking me they fucking watch porn in at the same time they're watching you watching and there you are Yeah, Lee you're on camera everywhere. Oh, yeah One day they're gonna put out a compilation tape That's a very good. Fuck is banging one up and you're gonna have to run to the hills That's gonna be worse than the ditty tapes. So what do you do? You just do like you hide all the cameras in here like you don't have any Computer no phone no anything you just know when you whack off take everything out of the room computer the phone I think we tell all this to don't ever whack off in front of her So you have to take everything out of your room or do you have like a special room just like a no technology room

I used to get so paranoid in Vegas and whack off in the closet. You know I'm saying They give me the big room when I go in the closet like nobody knew because in Vegas, everybody's watching. Please hold on. So you would go into like the hall closet and like crouch on the floor. In the bathroom. You know how they give you big bathrooms?

Sometimes, yeah. I would go into the little closet where they had like the towel and the blow dryer. Bang went out at 5 five six in the morning you're paranoid you need to shoot something it takes you like an hour because you got to Get your dick on You're standing up laying on the wall like a fucking Dracula with the closets you don't know what's going on every time you hear a noise you stop because it could be the fucking

May why would the mayor be knocking on my nice and made I said made Can you imagine if it was the mayor That's one of the things I started thinking about towards the end of my cocaine and I'm like Why would I go to Vegas like one time I went with Rogan in 2006 and a bunch of I Didn't see those motherfuckers all weekend Like I saw at the airport. I saw them when I checked in I Saw them when we did the show and then I didn't see him till the airport that morning and they were like something ain't right with Diaz That's what I would call the dude before the plane landed he would like meet me at the fucking hotel I

Would go right to the room and start getting the party started. They were like, where are you? Yeah, I'll be I remember one time my friends from Jersey were there, and I didn't meet them that weekend. It was the same weekend. They were like in a hotel across the street. The kids I grew up with, I'm like, I don't wanna see you motherfuckers. I'm too busy in my room. And like with Vegas the king,

I mean, there's everything in Vegas. How could it not be? The guy was so connected in the Vegas scene as a coke dealer that he would just knock on your hotel door at four in the morning because he knew everybody. It was insanely, it was fucking insane for about a year I would just go to Vegas just to see him because I knew he was going to take care of me. He had everything it was like hundred twenty-five hours for an eight ball three sleeping pills two oxygen pills he gave you everything cream for your nose you know why did you just buy

a bunch more of these could you do that like could you if you liked his little packs could you have bought like ten of them and brought him home over they'd just all be gone immediately Let me ask you something When the guy from When the guy from crispy pizza gave me those fucking two boxes of pizza. Did you bring any home for your mom? Did you think of anybody's always not to bother with three extra? Okay You know you snooze you lose. I'm in one time. I bought a bag of Xanax Valium that's when they were valium with the V and I'm in Beaumont, Texas. I didn't even take those things

I bought them because my friend's roommate did those and I bought the bag on Thursday night Just because that's all the deal I had he goes. I'll come back tomorrow when it ain't balls. I got it So I go, what do you got tonight? He goes all I got a pill. I got how many goes 30 I'm gonna give me the whole fucking bag By the time around the plane Sunday what I didn't get on the plane Sunday I didn't go to play to the following Sunday. That's how I ate all those pills in three days. So Addiction is addiction, but I was a fucking animal when I came to it Where you doing so this week you're at the Denver Comedy Works. So excited

That's the first page I ever got on like oh dude a It's like one of the top ones ever but I did I don't know if you remember this but right when I started like two months In you let me do like three minutes At your at the Comedy Works and it was just like even that was like a wild three minutes and to be there for the flex for the first time It's like an actual person like a feature. I could I am pumped. I'm so pumped it is You know, they stopped. I don't know if they do that anymore Comedy works is one of those rooms that when Wendy the owner or Brian great lady great lady

She came through for me great lady But she used to have it that the headline I had to follow like four headliners from denver You had to follow like everybody there on tuesday wednesday thursday was a local headline You know when I started there, Denver had five or six national headliners that were fucking killers. When you told me you were going over there, I did like a, like I just thought about all, before I got on stage there,

I remember I told you I went to an NBC thing. Like I had taken the stand up class and I was still a pussy about getting on stage and they announced this competition. And that's where it was at the county or so. Let me go down there and finally check it out and see what this is about. And I remember going down there and seeing all these comics are like, you know, fucking t shirts, HBO. And I sat down. And that was going to be the first time I got on stage.

I go, I'm going to go do this contest. This is it. I'm fucking done. And Lee, I chickened out. I was like, what am I fucking stupid? And then two weeks later, they were auditioning at the University of Colorado to open up for a, who ended up becoming my friend.

He's dead now. He passed away. I forget what his name was, but great guy, Charlie. Charlie White, White something. He was an Indian, American Indian activist. Funny motherfuckers. Hill, that's Jesus. I'm horrible.

I'm stoned. But I went to the audition thinking he was a fucking I was in a funny motherfuckers hill. That's Jesus. I'm horrible. I'm stoned. But I went to the audition thinking it was in an auditorium with people like in my fucking demented mind. And I get there and it's in an office, smaller than the office we had. Like a student office. And there was three uptight fucking little kids there two American Indians which I already lost the war like baggy Indians

they weren't even like drinking Indians that stabbed people you can see like they were like Indians that were trying too hard and I did a Godzilla joke and something else and I never heard from joke and something else. I never heard from them ever again. You know what I'm saying? So I took the- You had to do the jokes in front of three people in an office, Jesus Christ.

Oh, you know, but I put myself in those positions. Remember a couple of months ago, you said you were gonna get up at eight in the morning and go stand on a line somewhere? Yeah. I was just saving your life. Okay. You know what I'm saying? I don't have time to explain these things to you.

I did a lot of creepy things. I did a lot of creepy things. I went to a lot of creepy places that didn't belong. And I still remember being flat broke and borrowing fucking lube's car and borrowing like 30 bucks from somebody going into the city to audition for an improv troupe. Now what the fuck would I audition for an improv troupe for? But in my demented head, hey, let's give it a shot. So I get there, they bought Valet Park. It's a Copacabana. And I walk in there, worse than three fucking white Indians.

Four Spanish people who think they're fucking, you know, those are the worst. The performers on the troupe were great, but the people who auditioned you were just like part of that Latin thing in LA where they all hang out, but at the end nobody's making a dime. They're criticizing everybody. The government doesn't give us enough money for actors sad go fuck yourself You know last I checked fucking The guy from heat what's his name? He ain't doing too bad De Niro

He opened up the taco stands Oh Trey oh man, what the fuck are you talking about? Huh Danny Trey, ho Danny trail. Yeah, I'm talking about him. He's great He owns taco stands, you know our friend, Amelia Rivera is doing fucking great But you got these handful Latinos I get together the group. They can't book a headshot They start giving each other fake awards Yeah He like stop They can't book a headshot They start giving each other fake awards Yeah He like stop

stop Cock suckers anyway, what do you mean fake awards? Yeah, like it's just no names. All right I was what I'm not asking for his business every names you know, it's just a side that people get into especially your minority and In that room ain't nobody making money except the guy who put on that thing right and talk about and if you go to the Spanish ones that he will arasa and all this shit they're gonna do and Meanwhile, they're making money and they're shooting movies, but they're not pulling you in with them No, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. So why are we here? We're wasting each other's time

I'm going we're talking about I'm like I'm jealous that you can say that to people What I don't know you look like why are we here on Sundays? I'm not doing like, you know We it's I didn't say this. I said this when I was a feature act. Mm-hmm I said this when I was a feature act When I was fighting for my life and I was already a regular at the store Because they were doing it, right? But everybody else is doing it wrong. I still remember uh A situation here at rascals in new jersey where I came in

Instead of this dude saying I just don't like Diaz, he just ragged me all week. You talk to the audience too much. Please don't do that. Okay. I knew if I talked to the audience, this guy had a chance. Do you know what I'm

saying? Oh, okay. If you talked, okay. He did everything he could to get me off the shelf. And he was a good guy. He was just getting to the end of his career, and he started getting, like, picky. It was because his crowds were small. And I did five shows with him. Wednesday night, I talked to the audience too much. Before I got there, he cut my time to 20,

which is a big mistake, because now I'm in the Comedy too much. Before I got there, he cut my time to 20, which is a big mistake, because now I'm in Comedy Store zone. Right. You just fucked yourself. You just fucked yourself. Because now you're gonna give me what you don't want. I practiced 18 minutes three times a night for the last fucking 20 years.

This was 19, this was 2003. I was a regular, maybe five years already, six years. Come on. So what do you think happened Thursday? I destroyed the audience. And then now he came out with, he said, fuck too much and blah, blah, blah, blah, and Friday early show, he complained about something else. And I just laid into him and the club manager laid it to him.

And that was it. He worked Saturday and he never spoke to me again. And for no reason, for no reason. I was buck wild as a feature act buck wild. I made the one guy quit in Miami. He threw the fucking glass down When we go to New York and do the podcast I'll get Ricky Cruz on there Ricky Cruz saw a ton of shit that I was doing as a feature act Because I didn't give a fuck anymore

I'm at the store on a daily basis and you're here headlining on something you did 18 years ago Go away, and then you want to get mad at me for coming out here like an animal Right real comics weren't complaining about me The tommy davidson's the fucking uh, the guy from sanite live that's in florida now him and I work together perfectly That's the strongest guy I ever worked with on the road, by the way Really? Who's that the kid from sign out live? That's that's a conspiracy guy now. Oh Who Dan Akroy is he a stand-up fucking comic from sign? I don't know. He was okay. Sorry anyway Don't matter but I worked with a bunch of guys that were fucking hysterical and nobody complained. It was always once a month. I

Had this, you know, you always have these guys that are like, they don't like it that you're where you're at and they're where they're at. Now they're fucking planting flowers, trying to stay relevant and you're a fucking animal. You don't even care about being relevant. You're just up there fucking doing what you're doing because if I was fighting for my life in those days, nobody was gonna give me Montreal, nobody was gonna give me anything. So I had to get as good as I can be. So I just went up there and started murdering mother. This started around 2003 with me. And then I got the longest yard. And then I tried the headline and that

didn't work out. But anyway, I did good last week at the dojo. Oh yeah? Paul Burz, he's a funny fucking guy, man. Yeah. He's an under, see again, everybody's looking at this guy, look. Paul Burz, he's a dangerous motherfucker on stage. I laughed my ass off. It was a great show. We're gonna do it again November 6th,

a week before I do fucking New York, so I'm definitely ready, you know? But it's been fun. I'm thinking about Denver a lot. That's what how this whole beer beaten started. I'm sorry about that I'm thinking about Denver a lot and I Was just a fucking kid that I Was just getting on stage to fucking have a good time Lee Yeah, cuz when you're doing it in Denver at least the first time

Like you were just like right either still married or right after the divorce. It was like a lot of change Yeah, but when I came back in 93, I was in a different place and From being here. I looked at comedy a little differently from being here go. Wow. How hard is it to be an open mic? Yeah, I gotta go back to Denver. You don't have to show up with four people I'd have to show up before people know for fucking people I'm gonna ask every week. Hey, you want to come to a club and spend $20 to see a bad comic I don't have that type of fucking balls. So I Chose that path and it you know, it was a lot better for me and I was happily I had nothing

Nothing I Had nothing half the time. I lived in a hotel with some broad The other time I lived with my cousin and that was a fucking nightmare He was always trying to borrow money from me and here I am broke. I would lend him money and then steal it back in the middle of the night and steal a pill from him. It was a fucking the funniest thing ever. And I didn't want, you know, that's why I say that sometimes, listen, man, nobody gets into comedy because they just want to get into comedy.

We all have a reason for whatever the reason is. But after a few years, you start looking at that and going, I don't know if I'm going to do it. And then you're like, well, I can go back to baking pies or to delivering whatever the fuck I was delivering when I got this job as a comic. Or I could look at it and attack it, because this is as good as it's going to get in my world. Oh, yeah. So at least go have fun.

They give you two free cocktails. Go drink the cocktails. Some chick always talk to you. Hi. Yeah, I started working here six months ago, but my father loves comics. OK. You know, you want to bring me home?

Yeah, he want to meet you. Kuh-kuh he went up to meet you. It's still fucking you. You're doing comedy six months and people come up to you and talk to you. Oh, yeah. And it's interesting. And you know, it's a better time without all that shit. This is why I said to you that I appreciate that light like I appreciate the comedy they provide but some people aren't ready for that emotionally and it just the fucking stakes hit you you know I don't like being Mike there it was tough like the same people who were at that fucking place on Sunset that they lived there was that house? The comedy house and the whole fucking thing those people are still there just a different location That's a click

That's a clock that's a click that talks about how Well, I'm friends with this guy. He say was gonna get me in the fucking comedy store. I'm friends with this guy He say was gonna get me in the fucking comedy store I'm friends with this guy's is gonna take me here. It's just to show its mental health If comedy is 40% mental health when you go to those open mics, you're dealing with 2080. It's a big fucking swing those dudes fucking Honestly, dude, it might you might even be a little bit low because I was gonna say like I feel like cuz I started in LA but I've done open mics all over the country and

It's It's that might be closer than 9010 like Just bad shit crazy But there's a point where you learn from that. You go, holy shit, you know what? That dude's crazy. And I don't want to end up like that, motherfucker. I got to do something. Because my comedy scene, in fact, he reached out to me today.

The guy that ran that comedy scene just checked in. I wrote him a nice thing back on Facebook. Those were some of the best times of my life. And I knew there were people who were fucking crazy, who would kill me in a New York minute. There were three guys in there that I owe, you know, next time we talked to Josh Wolf. A lot of those people aren't around. The people who we're doing open mics with. I love to find some of them. And a lot of them are around. I still see them on Facebook or friends,

but the one kid, Jeff, with the handcuff always creeped me out and sure enough, he jumped off a building, you know? Sure enough. Listen, I want to- They're calling this out now? Yeah, like three of those people abandoned ship. Like one guy jumped into the Seattle water. He hung himself, the guy I'm talking about. He had like a kid and shit, you know,

but I knew he was demented. Nobody keeps going on open mic every Monday with the same act, with the same suit. It smelled like death. And it's back, you know, and there's no growth. There's really no growth, even though you try to talk to them and go to this place for me. They show up with the suit and the fucking handcuff again.

And that's how you know that there's something going on here. You know, OK, you know, I believe this guy alone. And every time I see him, I'm going to hug him just to make sure you don't got a bayonet on him or something. I mean, stab me with a hit me in the fucking head, but It's happened a couple of times like because sometimes people will go nuts in those places Like I like home like whenever anyone tells me they're nervous to do an open mic My go-to line is like homeless people do open mics

I can't tell you like how many like actively homeless people have been especially in LA How is homeless no I can't tell you like how many like actively homeless people have been especially in LA I was homeless. No, I guess yeah You know, I didn't walk in there stop Smith You didn't have all of your belongings with you eating a bag yet And then I showed up twice at the club with my little army duffel bag, you know say your whole life Huh? Where's your whole life in that one bag? Oh, that's Terry. Well, I met Terry I showed up and she's like, where's the rest of like? the the the

the the the the the the the the the I'm gonna die. Look at you. See you only eating

100 milligrams you **** sucker. I'm I'm gonna die. I'm **** dying over here. What's wrong with 100 milligrams? Right here. Where'd you get the weed from? **** Bavak the street. No, first of all, I have something that you got me but I also have

good stuff. I also have good stuff. I do. You guys **** like 20% of the I don't. good stuff. I You guys shit like 20% the I know I don't oh my god, I might have proof here that I don't god damn Well, this is pre rolls, but these are 25 yeah These are pre rolls for before shows 18. I told you not to buy pre rolls. Oh, I actually did buy stuff to I Listen that's your problem 8,000 a month and also you want to be thousand. Please don't tell people I spent eight. I wish I had eight thousand

People coming over fucking building your vacuum for you vacuum dude, you can't I can can build some of that shit you what? I can't build some of that I'm so happy and one of my Johnny engineer. You don't see me body that shit. Yeah, cuz your wife can build it Stuff she likes it building her own stuff. That's what I'm saying. I can't dump my stuff That stuff she likes it building her own stuff. That's what I'm saying. I can't dump my stuff I can't do that to nobody so before we die gonna high as a bulk That's gonna come over and I gotta be nice to him for for two hours I You fucking desert Jews you don't even give you a fucking not even a not even a can't be Then you let them do their thing you give them a what You say hey you want to drink and then they and they usually say no and then

They don't want you hanging out with them looks like I can't imagine going into someone's house and doing that shit They need that's pressure. That's why I could I can't imagine having somebody come in my house I mean look up with a straight face right, you to build something for me. I'm too stupid. I'm never going to lie to you. Because you were talking about, uh, about three years ago and it made me think about something when I first started going up to 149th street to see my godmother and I would play with that tenants in her buildings

There was one kid who I thought was just brilliant If I was five or six, he was the same. I Struggled with English, you know, this kid was Spanish just like me, but this motherfucker was on a different level smart He's the kid who taught me how to build models Okay. Yeah. Yeah, okay, and we were talking one day and I You know, we were just going on stairs to the model store where we used to buy the glue for sticky Charlie This is two years before sticky Charlie, by the way. Oh damn. So I was five. This is 1969 it could have been I was eight 1968 And I would go down there, you know and one day he goes I like to build one of those This is 1969. It could have been, I was eight, 1968.

And I would go down there, you know, and one day he goes, I'd like to build one of those, but my mom doesn't have the money. And I'm like, listen, what if I get the money from my mom? You build it, teach me how to build it, and you keep the fucking thing. And he goes, deal. And we went, we bought the glue downstairs downstairs and he bought like we I bought the Hulk

He just taught me how to put the glue together But I had a desire to learn that It was I was like I always thought like maybe I'll have him fucking make the thing and take it home to my mom Look what I did. Meanwhile, my mom knows I'm a fucking idiot. I can't put that together He taught me so I think I paid for like two models. I went to my mom. My mom was great Let me see what the models and I told her the truth. I Said I don't know how to do these things. He taught me and after that, but I can't imagine there's a 60 euro fucking man Me having somebody to come over to build me a shoe fucking closet. Like I have so many things I need to do here.

You know, like I need to help me, somebody help me with the garage and rip down the wall and stuff like that. If you hire somebody in construction now or any field now, right? They tell you they're going to come over and they're going to do it. And then all of a sudden after two days, bro, they come, they tear tear it up and then they leave for four days because they're gonna go to another job Yeah, your job was supposed to be only five days now. It's two weeks and your walls open God knows what lives in there what could get it. So before that happens I'm gonna have a friend of mine come in here. This is what he does on the weekends

I'm on Saturdays and like January when it's cold We'll rip down the board. He says he'll take it in this truck the mind come in here. This is what he does on the weekends and on Saturdays and like January when it's cold, we'll rip down the board. He says he'll take it in this truck. I help him out. He helps me out. and it all works out at the end player but you're going to have great time. How many shows?

Wednesday, Thursday Thursday Thursday through Saturday It's a great club man and a lot of great I saw a lot of great shows that's why I met Felicia Michaels I Didn't you matter there at the bar? Wow, I knew you worked with her Brandon. I didn't know was She was already a big shot though Shibbol Big shot, though. Schiml, fucking, I saw a lot of great acts there right after Roseanne left. I never saw Roseanne perform there. But first of all, let's get this straight.

After I got into comedy, I would go there on Tuesday nights. And in those days, the headliner would have to come in and close the open mic. I mean, it was like Bobby Collins in those days, Bobby Slayton, you know, it was just great She's always had a great Comedy mind she what these people doing now She was doing in 1993

91 when I walked in there when you walk in there you realize I walked in there fucking in 1991 in there you realize I walked in there fucking in 1991 were you born by that yeah you born in 88 you born the year I came out of prison I can I forget that that's a good year it was anyway so I got nothing this week basically I think I'm just gonna go do guests at the two shows hopefully I like to go to Aaron Berg's Friday night and uncle Vinny's it's a 8 p.m. Show I'll try. I love Aaron Berg Thursday. I got two options. What do you got? You got the Denver Comedy Works? That's right, and then you come back by then we'll should have the lease

done and then uh Or you know, I'm sure getting the fucking internet it's gonna take two or three weeks, you know, I'm sure getting the fucking internet. It's gonna take two or three weeks, you know I'm assuming I'm assuming but that building, you know, they got a ton of shit there. So It's gonna it's a great we have the new back cave in North Bergen. That's all these motherfuckers got to know about I Am very excited. We're going back. This opens a lot of doors to guests You know that I could never get my hands on before like I told you I'm very excited we're going back. This opens a lot of doors to guests, you know, that I could never get my hands on before, like I told you. And that's it, man.

I'm excited for 2025. I got some shows, you got some shows. So if we stay healthy, we got some good shit going on playing. We don't have to do this motherfucker on Zoom no more. I'm so excited to see you, buddy. Me too, buddy. So yeah, have a great time on the road

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