Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - WHEN STANHOPE SAYS IT'S TIME | #236 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: March 27, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY’S JOINT.....   It’s Monday, March 27, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!    Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH��   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, BlueChew & BetterHelp…    DRAFTKINGS   Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & sign up with code JOEY.  New customers can bet $5 on any pregame moneyline & get $150 in bonus bets if their team wins.    Call [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA), Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (CO/IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/OH/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MA/MD/MI /NH /NJ/ NY/OH/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Bonus bets (void in MA/NH/OR): Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-game moneyline bet. Bet must win. $150 issued as six (6) $25 bonus bets. Bonus Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Bonus bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Bonus Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Promotional offer period ends 5/28/23 at 11:59PM ET. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/basketballterms.   BLUECHEW Visit https://bluechew.com and use code JOEY to try it free! Just pay $5 shipping   BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don’t forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Who's better than you? Nobody. So visit BlueChew.com for more important details and important safety information. And I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast today. Let's get this party started. It's Monday morning. We got shit to talk about. How you doing? Come on in. Yeah, Joey's in the game. Music Greetings you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday. The 27th of March, the last goddamn week, Uncle Joey's joint here for some fucking Monday motivation. I'm trying not to curse in the first five minutes, but it don't matter. YouTube still gives me the hook.

So who cares? I gotta be me. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. The sun's out. It's been fucking warm. I guess I was wrong, guys. I guess climate change is fucking real. I'm happy political people having meetings about climate change and war with scientists. Listen, all I can tell you is it's three years here. February has been fucking light. I honestly thought just from living that this week, this month, this winter would be a fucking horrible winter from being here two other winters and they were very mild. But I gotta be honest here. This winter is the mildest of all fucking three. I mean, it's gonna be April first. And you know, I don't know how much snow we're gonna get in April. You know, I don't know if this is like Colorado. I don't know. And listen, nobody knows anymore. You're getting tornadoes in North Jersey. You're getting tornadoes and misses. You know, you're just getting this temperature that nobody can explain anymore. I'm not listening, guys. I'm no fucking Fauci.

I don't know dick about dick. I'm just letting you know what I've seen, you know, for 16 years and for years after anytime I came here, there was snow. This has been 60 degrees lately. How the fuck did we go from snow? Okay, it's not gonna snow. It stays at 3840. Guys, I put my winter jacket on. Maybe five times. This winter, it was all hooded sweatshirts, you know, a hooded sweatshirt here, maybe a t-shirt underneath. Guys, I remember growing up here and not being able to walk. Having to have a hooded sweatshirt and the wind were getting your fucking ears. Your tears would just freeze on your face. You thought you were gonna fucking die? No. They'd just been mild. So I don't know. Listen, I was wrong. I'm sorry. Every year I predicted snow on my birthday. Shit, it was 60 fucking degrees on my birthday this year. February 19th. So who the fuck knows what's going on anymore? You just get up, do the best you can do and tell them all to suck your dick. At least that's what I do. I don't care anymore. I had an interesting week last week, man. I'm starting to come out of my shell a little bit.

I had to go out and meet up. I had to meet Lee on Wednesday night up at Rudy's. I met up with George and my brother Carlos and Anthony Eiffelies. I had a cop on the cliff side and we had a nice little fucking quick meal. Lee had to run into the city and do a spot. And we finished. We had dinner. I drove back to the fucking ferry and I made a quick U-turn and came home. No fucking must. No fuss. Friday night I went to my daughter's school play. Holy shit. Holy shit. You know, it was an interesting week last week. I also booked a TV show which will get to... Yeah, she comes home Monday. Dad, I booked the fucking play. We had rehearsal all week. Yeah, she booked it Monday. She was like, I think I'm going to audition for the school play because all my friends are going to do it. What am I going to do all week? Just go to fact shows. I go audition. She came home and she goes, I got one of the pipe pipe rolls. I go, all right. Knock yourself out. I didn't know what the fuck next back guy, you know. Yeah, you know me. I don't know.

No, but she did a play in LA. When it finished, I go, would you like to do it again? And she goes, no, this was fun doing. I don't want to do it again. I said, good. No worries. No pressure from Uncle Joey. I'm not Distal Pete's dad. I ain't going to fuck it. I don't give a fuck. I'd rather you not act. And then last Monday she came home and she goes, I'm auditioning. She got the roll. They had to rehearse every day till five. There was no extra school activities. And Friday night I said, fuck it. Let's go down there and see what this is all about. All little buddies were in it from the fourth grade. I didn't even eat an edible, you know, I didn't eat a mushroom chocolate. I just went straight. I just wanted to fucking see what, what, you know, what happens. I mean, what happens, you know, and it was mind boggling guys. It really, really was mind boggling to see her go up there, like not scared at all. When she made a mistake, she laughed it off. She made a mistake one time she caught herself and she laughed at all. She had a sing, you know, it was just good to see that I call CBS afterward. No, did I call Disney? No, did I call fucking? No, no, it's fun. We went out, we got pizza afterward with the parents and the kids. And this is as, as easy as pie.

The kids had a great time. I tell you, all of them did good. There was one, two, three, four, five kids that I fucking knew that all of them did very fucking well. I mean, it was just great to see, you know, some of the parents were like, are you happy? And I'm like, guys, I just want, it was great just to see her up there fucking smiling, you know, people like, well, you don't want to act. Guys, acting is a fucking grind, you know, unless you walk in there throwing heat from day one and everybody standing behind you, grinding, acting is a fucking grind, man. Listen, I was in LA for 23 fucking years, and I think I've spoken about this shit out. In reality, I would have made money as an actor three of the 23 years I was there. My first year with Taco Bell, the longest yard year, and there was another year that I did a couple TV shows that there were good years, you know. Could I drive a Bentley? Was I going to go to a fucking dealership and buy a Maserati? By no means. It was a good living for somebody with a wife that's starting out, you know, that isn't really serious. Yeah, it was a very decent living, but was it something that I was going to knock him dead with? No, I did better with comedy, even when I was struggling with comedy. I did better with comedy, but there were years that, you know, guys, I always felt like I was, everybody always made money until I got there. You ever feel like that guys? Like they get there, they play the guitar, one song, they get 20 grand. I get there, they want to give me $10, you know, this guy went there two months ago, they paid him 18,000 for the movie. I got the same movie, and I got to sing and dance and light my asshole on fire, and they're going to pay me 10,000 less. It was the story of my life. I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining at all. But that's the way it was, you know, the only time I made them, oh, the year of the pilot, I made some money. Yeah, there you go. But I wasn't going to laugh. I was going to live off that money that year, but it was a good amount from one company.

What's that Bronx County? Yeah, no, it was a CBS show, and it just recently popped up on IMDB. Maybe I spoke about it. And maybe a year later, I spoke about it on the church. And maybe a year later, it fucking popped up. And I was like, wow, and I looked at who it was on it, and it was just four actors. So I think somebody made it after they heard me, and they put themselves up. It was only four people from Bronx County. You could check it on IMDB. No, they gave me, I'll tell you guys, because it was 1997, it didn't make a dent in the debt that I owed. Not even. When you get a check and you don't make a dent, you're like, do I pay any of the debt off? Because I can't pay it all off with the fucking dent. I owed an attorney, I owed child support. I think I owed everybody. I owed fucking. At that point, yeah, I had some friends I owed personal cash to. Thank God they weren't loan sharks or nothing. They would take little payments. I was fucking struggling. Oh my God. In 1996, I made $9,800 as a comedian living in Seattle. Okay, and before the whole year, getting 50s and $100 bills. And that's for the people who claimed, who sent W-9s and shit like that. I'm not talking about the people who paid 25 or 50. So all in all, you made like $11,000. So you figured I made $11,000. No, I made $11,000 in 1996, maybe $12,000 in 1997, and maybe, I think one year I made $6,000.

In 1995, I made $6,000 and what makes it even the worst, that the year before that, I made $70,000. Being a sports betting guy, and I made $60,000 in the month of December. $60,000 in one fucking month, and I took a big chunk of that dent off, but there were still tons of debt. So when I got to deal from Bronx County, it was $25,000. But you got to remember, guys, I had to move with that money. I had to get an apartment with that money. I had to get settled with that money. The agents, at that time I didn't have an agent. I closed out with an attorney who charged me $250 flat. You know, it was fucking great. So they gave me $25,000 to move, which was great when you look at it on paper, but not fucking really. But again, beggars can't be fucking juicy. Right or wrong. If you stay on a fucking, on a cold sidewalk, eventually you're going to get a little bit of sun. So I don't care. Eventually I was supposed to get a paycheck like that. Doug, I never told you about Bronx County. I wouldn't. Doug had high hopes for me. This is like a Hollywood story. Like I love Roseanne Ball. I've always been a fan of Roseanne Ball, but I enjoy her story about anything in the world. How she was in the fucking original room and Mitzi saw her and throw her in the main room and next, you know, the Tonight Show saw her that night and she got the Tonight Show and her life changed.

You know, I wish it was that happy. I wish it was that. I wish everybody had that fucking story. You know, you put your work in your family struggle. She had to like leave her husband. Like she went to Denver LA on her own without her family and she fucking hit, you know, and that's that's a great story, but that doesn't happen to everybody. That doesn't happen to fucking everybody. What are we talking about? Bronx County. So when they came to me, I was at Seattle. It was Thanksgiving. It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the club. If you knew anything about the comedy underground, they gave you. Comedy Underground was a very strong and unique club. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Sunday belong to the comics.

What that means is that they were teaching you already in 1995 how to promote your own nights. So Monday night was an open mic. Tuesday night was an open mic. Wednesday was an in-house show and Sunday was an in-house show. I would do, I would get a show with like Tana Manu, Josh Wolf, Brody, and we would call it something. The Gobble, Gobble show. We'd sell tickets for 10 bucks. If 50 people showed up, we'd chop up 500 bucks. You know, we go to eat or something like that. It was no big fucking deal. I walk into this thing in Seattle. I'm like living on fucking nothing. You know, trying to snore coke. I'm living on an office. I was living in an office paying $125 a month and I was basically sleeping on a towel on the floor, writing jokes.

I had a 1-800 number in there. I could call out and people could call me on the 1-800 number. Don't ask. And I used to take shits out the window. I couldn't pee. They didn't have a toilet. No, they had no bathroom on that thing. So I had to pee out the window and shit out the window. So in the middle of the night, I would just open the window. I was like on the fourth floor and there wasn't a bathroom on that floor. So I would have to open and let's go back to this. There wasn't a window in my office. So I would have to walk to the back. You know, they have in the back of a building, it would be facing the ocean and they would have the sound as you call it in Seattle and they would have stairs, fire escape.

I would have to climb up on the fire escape, take the Cuban egg roll out and just fucking piss from there and people be walking by and from time to time I would have to take my ass and shit on the fire escape and I would throw it away but every once in a while a little turd would slip in between the fucking things and I would hit somebody in the bottom or somebody would, I don't think I hit somebody. That was rough. So when they came to like Wednesday night, I could see if I was in LA or New York and MTV comes up to you or, you know, somebody comes up to you, CBS or NBC or Netflix. That's one thing, if you're in a comedy club but if you're in a metropolitan area, like if you're in New York or LA you expect somebody from time to time to go, hey, I'm with this agency, hey, I'm with this fucking management group.

It's just, you know, that's what they do, they go out at night. But when you're in a club in Seattle, do that before Thanksgiving, when people come up to you, they go, hey man, I like that joke, hey, I'm from Jersey too. This little nerdy guy came up to me, he's like, hey, can we have a word? And I'm like, I had so many things going on in my world at that time. I had cops looking for me, people looking for me, private investigators looking for me. So I was like, what the fuck is this? What's up? And he's like, listen, I have a pilot at CBS and I've been looking for this character and I cannot find him.

You're the fucking character. And I'm like, come on, man. He's like, you're the fucking character. And I'm like, all right. And I go, where are you from? And he goes, I'm from, I live in LA, but he goes, I have a place since my mother lives in Seattle. I came up for Thanksgiving. We came out, we were down here eating dinner. We came out to see a comedy show, you popped up. It was like maybe four or five. He goes, you popped up.

He goes, tell me that you speak Spanish. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, oh, you're fucking perfect. What they were looking for was somebody Spanish or they didn't look Spanish. That's what they wanted. They wanted somebody Spanish or they didn't look Spanish. So the guy gave me his card. He took my information, which was a page number and the phone number to the comedy club, the manager at the comedy club. And he said, I'll be in touch and I couldn't sleep. I could not fucking sleep, man.

I could not fucking sleep for weeks. I was so ecstatic that somebody finally, and he didn't hit me back and I started to get worried. I'm like, and I started to go on that funk. And all of a sudden out of the blue, this motherfucker hit me one day and he's like, hey, the pilot's happening. I need you in LA in January. This is December 13th of 1996. He goes, I need you in LA January latest first week of February. Can you make it?

And I'm like, yeah, look, I didn't have a fucking dime. I didn't know how I was going to get to LA. I didn't know shit. All I knew was that fucking they wanted me for a CBS pilot. And when he called December 12th or whatever 13th, he goes, we want you, but you still got to come down and do a screen test. He didn't say he didn't call an audition. About two days later, I'm doing comedy at the underground and a buddy of mine, Rod Long comes up to me and he goes, you dog. You know, you think about Mike and I were talking about, you know, things that go on on your life.

You know, sometimes you don't, you don't think your life is working out like it should, you know, but you look at things and you go, wow, no matter what's going on now. There was a time when the universe came through for me and it came through for Gallic me a lot of times, regardless of my mother prison. Oh, that's stupidity. You could sit here and look at all the negative shit, but you do have to look at the positive shit. I had no fucking money. I had nothing, you know, and this comic said to me, Hey man, what are you doing? Like two days from now.

Like who asked you that? And you're like, nothing. And he goes, I got to go to LA to bring art for an art show. You want to take a ride with me? I'll cover your gas, weed and whatever. He was one of my good friends in Seattle, this guy, no matter what he was, he always had my back. And I'm like, are you fucking serious? So I called the fucking guy.

I go, I'm going to LA. I got a ride. We'll be there Tuesday night. And he goes, perfect. Can you do a spot at the lab factory Tuesday night for the people from the show? And I'm like, if you, I go, they won't give me a spot, but if you can fucking set it up for me, I'll definitely do it. Done. He set up a spot and then he goes, you're going to do the showcase Tuesday.

You're Wednesday, you're going to do a screen test and then you're free to go. And that's Rod's plan was Tuesday. He's going to land. We're going to relax, go to dinner. And Wednesday, we'll fucking do the art show. And Thursday, we'll get in the car. I mean, it couldn't, it couldn't be any fucking better guys, you know. There's some Monday fucking motivation for you.

It couldn't, it couldn't be any better. Just when you think that things are not going anywhere. We get back to Seattle. I go on with my life, you know, now I got to wait to hear from him again. He told me he called me after the new year. So I keep doing my comedy. And one day I got a call from Ron Reed, another fucking gentleman up in Seattle who took me, Josh, a lot of us under his wing Brody. And he goes, I have a spot for new years.

It's opening up for Doug Stanhope. He asked if you were open before he gave it away and I'm like, fuck yeah. I go see if he needs a host, see if he can use Josh Wolf. Yeah, he's open too. Fuck it. So it was me, Josh and Stanhope. Now I'm thinking about this as the money I'm going to use to go down LA. This is like fucking perfect.

Like it couldn't have happened at a better time. I was just going to sit around and smoke dope on fucking new years. This is great. All right. No fucking big, no problem. New years comes, you know, and I do the shows with Stanhope and let's be honest, I had worked really hard. And, you know, you don't know when the fruits of your labor are going to pop up. The fruits of my labor popped up that fucking, that New Year's weekend.

I think we added like three or four fucking shows. It was just phenomenal. Stanhope was a beast. Stanhope will always be a fucking beast. And it'll always be a beast in my eyes for what I'm going to tell you now. After the weekend was over, Stanhope stayed. You know, we went to get drinks. We went to eat.

And one of the nights he goes, listen, man, here's some cash. Like this is Doug Stanhope. He goes, here's some cash. He goes, they're going to send you a check from whatever, but I'm going to give you more. You did really good. And he goes, when are you moving to LA? And I'm like, tell me that and just ask me that. And he goes, it's time for you to move to LA.

You're that good. You're ready. And I'm like, I don't think I'm ready. Yes, you are. He's like, I'm in the improv. There are a bunch of fucking humps every night. You know, Stanhope, he's like, fuck them. Go down and do what you're doing here on stage.

Tear them the fuck up. And I'm like, okay, you know, I can't play. And then he says the final hand of God. He goes, when you come to LA, you got some place to stay. That's half the problem. When comics want to go to LA, they're like, I don't know. We don't know anybody. We got to sleep on a fucking basement.

This guy just opened this home to me. He's like, you got a place to stay, man, for as long as you need. I mean, the fucking, it couldn't have worked out any goddamn better. I mean, you couldn't put this together. But as usual, don't let your character ruin your motherfucking destiny. Okay. You're going to hear me say that. I've been saying it for 10 fucking years.

I've been saying it since the day I heard it, which is about 13 or 16 years ago. I heard that little before I quit coke. I heard somebody say, don't let your character ruin your destiny. So here I am. I'm headed to LA. New years was great. We're going to fucking do it. What do you think happens to Uncle Joey?

That Monday after that great new year, I got a letter in my house or summons from a fucking assault in Seattle. That had happened four or five months earlier and the court had finally processed it and finally caught it. They were calling a fucking probation hearing to revoke my fucking probation for me to do the rest of my time in fucking county jail. Whatever, four months of probation I had left, they were revoking my fucking sentence in the middle of all this shit. I'm like, God damn it. Now I gotta go to court like the 16th of January, just like the 4th of January, I got this news. I just came back. I just fucking auditioned.

There was no money yet on the table. He just said, come down. I will call you a legit offer. Like by the 10th or the 11th, when can you be down there? I said, I don't know. I'm putting it all together now. Now I get this fucking court case on the 16th. And I'm like, you know, staying home gave me a place.

I got my fucking money. I got everything, everything I could have fucking wanted. My girlfriend at the time is coming with me. She's going to drive. You know, I got a place to stay with Doug. She's going to put it. She's got a trailer. So even if we get stuck, we got a trailer.

We're not going to be on the street if Doug throws me out or changes his mind or smells my fungi toenail. He's not going to fucking panic. And this is what I did. And now I got to go to fucking court. Back in Seattle. I wasn't even in LA yet. Seattle was not going to let me fucking go, but I had a cool probation officer. Him and I, I mean, he was as cool as can be for a probation officer.

He was a dick, but I was behaving myself and he was cool. And I had spoken to him a lot about it. I went in there one day. I got to talk to you. And I go, this is what they're trying to do to me. And he's like, listen, I had to revoke it. I got this fucking thing in the mail. You had police contact.

You know, and I did. It wasn't my fault at all. It was a fight. I tried to get in the middle of it to break it up. All of a sudden I'm getting held and it was, it was enough cops report. You have to, you have to report it. What? It wasn't his fault.

And I understood that. And he goes, but I have to go to court and I could just talk in your bath. You know, and just say that it was a misunderstanding. I'd come up late that you have been doing well. And I was at that point, I was pretty much out of the fucking weeds. So he goes, but it's still the judge's decision. And the DA is fucking through with you. You know, at the time I had gotten arrested for, I got arrested for a stolen fucking car.

I had a bunch of arrests, but no convictions. Like they couldn't, I got arrested for a fucking jaywalking. I got a ticket to jaywalking, didn't go to court. And that started a fucking chain reaction and shit. So she was like, he was like the DA is a little pissed at you or whatever. You know, we'll talk fucking. Then finally came the day I had a go in front of the judge and I was shit and fucking pickles. I was like the 16th and I'm like this motherfucker.

This is my fucking biggest time of my life. The biggest opportunity I've had since I got out of that fucking prison. Five years have been six years. I've been fucking scraping, fighting, eating fucking subway sandwiches, the veggie and cheese. If I had money, I'd eat the seafood salad with the fake crab and the fucking and the fucking Katrina shrimp before Katrina. You know, this was just terrible. Now I got to go to fucking court because some guy got into a fight and I got in the middle of it and fuck. God damn it.

And we got the court and sure enough, the judges pissed. The DA is saying all this shit that they want to revoke it that, you know, and finally my fucking attorney who was if you're not an attorney no more, she got caught fucking one of the prisons. My attorney at the time just said, listen, what if what if Mr. Diaz leaves and doesn't come back? And there was a silence in the courtroom. Like we might be onto something here and sure enough, the judge called the DA over. The DA walked over. They had their little fucking meeting like they do on law and order.

Come here for a second. Let's talk. And the next thing you fucking know, the judge goes, I think we're going to do that. You leave Los Angeles promise never to go back. Just leave us to fuck alone. Get a criminal Cuban ass to LA and just take an anger management class. And that's it. And now you don't have a warrant in Seattle.

Yes, there's still a warrant now after the fact for the fucking, but no, it wasn't a warrant for what I did because there was no charge. I didn't get charged for the fist fight. I got charged because I broke it up. And then then I got into a fist fight. Not really a fist fight, but we got into a tugging match when the cops fucking came. They took everybody's goddamn name down and my name was on the police report. That's why they say when you're on probation, don't go out at night. Like don't go to a bar.

But Joey, I'm just going to have a beer. I know, but guess what's going to happen? There's going to be a fist fight. It's one of your fucking dummy friends that had too much to drink and you went to the wrong place for them. You're going to get in to break it up because you're a fucking savage. You're not going to let some fucking drunk guy pound on your friend when he's hammered. And when the cops come, you're going to get handcuffed. And even if you didn't throw a fucking punch, your name's going to be in the police report.

They're going to put your fucking name down and somebody, listen, 90% of the time, they're not going to catch it. But when you're the kiss of death, like I was at that time, they're going to catch it. That's what I'm trying to fucking say to you. They're going to catch this type of shit. So I was in shock when the judge said, okay, that sounds like a good idea. And he looked at me and he goes, did you hear that? You're never allowed to come back to the state, but you have to continue the classes and keep them aware of it. And keep them, the class will send them the information.

They gave me all the paperwork for me to take the anger management class. And what happened is simple. I got the fucking L.A. It took me like 30 days to find the class. And then once I did find the fucking class, once I did find the fucking class, I had to register, wait to get on the list. They put me on the list. Everything was great. And it all worked.

It was $35 a week, but on a Saturday morning at nine o'clock, I do comedy guys. I do stand-up. I tried to get a Monday. I tried to get a fucking Wednesday. I tried and they were like, nah, you got to start the Saturday program at nine o'clock. Well, it did for about three weeks. And then what do you think happens? You go to the store on a Friday night, a very innocent night.

You have a few fucking cocktails. You sit out there talking to people till three in the morning. You go home. The exorcist is on. Now you're up till 5.30 watching a stupid movie, trying to figure out writing jokes. And next thing you know, you wake up late. And you know that they're going to close the door at nine o'clock a year. So that's what happened.

That's why there was a warrant on me from Seattle real quick. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you savages. Like I talked in the beginning of the podcast. Listen, this is the biggest tournament in college basketball and it's heating up. And there's still time to place bets with Draft King sports book. Listen, I don't know what you're thinking about, but we got player props, team props, odds boost, same game parlays. We got it all.

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That's my fucking pilot story. And that's the beginning of it. But I got the, uh, But you went after that, right? Yeah, I left. Did the pilot shot it? Guys, I left after that judge made the decision. I was out of that two days later.

There's no reason to dig around. I called the fucking guy from LA. He told me to, I told him I was okay that I could come. I was coming and he said that when I got there, uh, after the read on Wednesday that I signed a contract, whatever the fuck it was. After that, I went down. He goes that they were happy with me. Everything was and I had to just come down and sign a contract. I was still asked.

I was still scared to ask how much. Like I wouldn't even ask. Like I was just petrified in my head. I had like a number like eight million. You know what I'm saying? Like this is going to solve all my fucking problems. I'm going to be twisting by the pool hanging with bitches. But, uh, it took a few days.

And then right before I left, he called and he goes, good news. I got your 25,000. I don't know if you're going to stay. In Los Angeles, that'll help with housing. Uh, you're going to be on the set for maybe 10 days. And, uh, that's it. So when I came, I landed in LA. On a Monday night, I went to the lab back in the Tuesday.

I went to the comedy store that Monday. And I think that Wednesday I met with him at some attorney's office on Lucia Boulevard. I was like fucking sweating. I was petrified. It was the first thing that ever happened. It took, uh, you know, at first year, you're very excited because you're like, wow, it took me eight years to get on the TV show. You know, wow, you know, wow.

You know, and yeah, there was a lot of struggle or staying in hotels and rock springs, Wyoming and shit like that. But wow, it took fucking eight years. So that was very impressive. You know, and then, uh, we went to wardrobe. We went to a few things like that. I didn't know what to expect guys. You know, I didn't know anything about that world.

I had never taken an acting class or anything. And the next thing, you know, we get to the set, to rehearse and everything was hunky dory. Everybody likes Joey. Joey likes everybody until it was time for action. And then Joey didn't know what the fuck to do. I thought I wasn't an actor. Like standing where you need to be.

I didn't know anything. Nevermind. Dog, I had lines. I had like eight scenes in this and this pilot, maybe there's it's a half hour pattern. I was an hour pilot. I'm exaggerating. Maybe I had four scenes, but there were thick scenes where cops would come into

my bar and I would talk to them. I remember there was one bar, one scene where I'm sweeping outside and an informant comes talks to me because I'm like the bartender of this neighborhood in the Bronx. And I'm like the fucking, I was like the town crier. You know, like if you ever see Starsky and Hutch, they had a rat. I wasn't a rat, but I talked to this town. I talked to the neighborhood and I would speak to the cops. The cops would hang out at my bar.

So I go, Hey, I know you picked up Mike last week for fucking DUI. You're going to cut him a break for me. You know, shit like that. So I remember there was one scene. I was outside talking to a junkie for a while about his situation at home and how we talked to a cop. I was one of those guys. Hey, man, can you talk to Mike the cop and see if you can get a deal for me?

I was one of those guys. I had that scene. I had a scene with like four cops and a, and a DA. And then I had like a closing scene where I'm talking to all the cops at night before they leave. You know, I think the first scene that they had me do, I didn't have any idea. If somebody sees this, correct me if I'm wrong, was the scene at the bar at night. And it was like a laugh scene, like whatever.

I had maybe three lines and the whole thing. It took us like eight hours to shoot. Guys, it was not good. And I, for a minute there, you can see on my face that I thought back on the feeling. It was not good. It was not good walking into a place very excited and realizing that you don't have a fucking clue of what you're doing. And everybody there thought I did have a clue of what I was doing.

So it kind of made it to fucking worst, you know. So I, like the first day it was kind of rough. You know, people were like looking at me weird. Like it was like the way we worked at La Brea Lyota during the fucking many saints and Newark shoot. God rest his soul. I'm not trying to be cute or anything. It was, it was just surreal that I didn't know what I was doing.

And then we went the second day. I had some type of rehearsal. And again, they were like, I was lost. I didn't really get a grip on it to like the third day. And even then I was lost. I didn't know what to do. A bookstore where they sold books on writing and acting and stand up. And you know, Judy Carter's book, they start everything.

Samuel French. Samuel French had two stores at the time, one in Hollywood and one in the valley. They sold agent books, anything you needed to know about the entertainment business. I remember running up there and buying like three books on acting. Like, you know, and they were already telling me like, you're going to get a check on like four days. So I'm like, holy fuck. If I come down here and they don't give me a check, it's going to be fucking bad.

So the more we rehearsed the next day, I'd noticed that my lines got taken away from me. And the more we rehearsed, I figured out that they were taking me out of scenes. They were just taking me out of whole scenes, guys. You know, when you're excited, it destroys your fucking, destroys you. Like, I went in thinking I had four lines and now I'm down to two. I'm like, fuck. You know, it was shit like that, guys. That just, it just takes it, when you don't know what you're doing.

And it wasn't their fault. It wasn't my fault. We didn't know. We didn't know. He thought I had taken, he never asked. It's not like he said to me, did you go to Juilliard? Yeah. I didn't go to fucking Juilliard.

I went to the school of fucking delis. That's where you tell stories and shit like that. I didn't know the fucking Juilliard. So. Well, no, they then, then I got a check and I'm like, oof. They didn't give me the, they didn't give me the whole check. They gave me like a half of payment, like 1250, like $12,000. I was like, wow, holy shit.

But the most depressing day was the day we actually started shooting the pilot. And when I got there, they had like a mini table read and I was down to, I started off the whole shoot with maybe 20 lines. And now I was down to two guys. I was never ever so embarrassed in all of my life. And I remember that I signed with a manager at that point. And like, I was like, you got to really find out what's going on. And he called back one day.

He's like, they like you, but they, they just want to see if the show gets picked up. Then about two months later, he called me and he goes, no, you're all in. You'll find it looks like CBS is going to announce the show in May. They're going to keep you as the bartender. They needed Spanish people. It's like anything else. You need like a grant from fucking the Cesar Chavez organization or some shit. I don't know why they kept me.

I don't even know if it's true. All I know is I was fucking, you know, thank God I'm not an idiot. And I didn't go out by a house on credit or, you know, start smoking cigars and shit because CBS have given, I forget what his fucking name is and it torches me. For you guys who know the Sopranos, the guy who played the doctor in the prison with Johnny Sack, he played like the orderly that guy's a big time guy was a bunch of movies. He's also a big time director, not Sidney Lumet. Maybe one of those Sidney Sidney Pollock.

This was Sidney Pollock's Bronx County, Sidney Pollock. CBS had given Sidney Pollock a million dollars. So we're like, fuck, somebody gives me a million dollars. It's on, right? In any other world, somebody gives you a million dollars. You're fucking working for that million dollars. I was in Miami. It was right after my apartment got towed.

I was fucking miserable. I had no clothes. I was getting 350 a week for hosting and I would have to spend 200 of it on clothes from all, you know, I had to start from the sneakers, socks. I would just go to fucking Old Navy every day and buy a pair of jeans for five dollars. And I'm like, this is just, you know, thank God they put me in a condo in Miami. And I'm like, this is all going to be until that pilot gets picked up because the 25,000 was for the pilot shoot. Now they'd have to decide how much I was going to make every week.

And at the end of whatever, I mean, it was going moving fast. And I was fucking all in on this motherfucker. And I remember I was in Miami and I was like, fuck, I only got two more weeks until I find out I was opening up for Robert Schimel in Miami. God bless his soul. I was supposed to open up for Rob Schimel. He was working Friday and Saturday, but there was some fucking guy that it was the first reality show. Like how did they, the millionaire and he won?

He was a standup comic. So he was popular again. They put him on the road and Schimel didn't like that. They took away his fucking, uh, his, uh, they took away his Thursday. So he canceled and it was the first week I had a headline with a gun to my head. Like I didn't have the time to headline. They were like, Joey, you got 40 minutes. Yeah, they're like, you're fucking that line in this week.

I'm like, God damn, at least I was making some money. But I got to call that Friday at the pilot didn't get picked up. And I was fucking cracked. But thank God, I didn't spend the check before I fucking had it. But again, even then that was 1997 going into 98. I hadn't booked, uh, Basically boy yet. And I had, I think I did book the Taco Bell commercial.

So between the Taco Bell commercial and the CBS show, I'm lying to you guys. It was a really good year. I forgot about that Taco Bell commercial. That was a very good year. And I remember getting an insurance card. Like I was getting all this shit in the mail. And I was like, wow, if this is what I make in one year,

I'm going to have a good career. If I could book a commercial and one pilot every year, I'm going to fucking have a great career making money wise. I booked five pilots after that. I made fucking nothing. And I booked, I think four more commercials after that. They didn't pay me a third of what those jobs paid me. Like you think inflation is going up.

What they're paying is also fucking going down. So this week I start the week off, my daughter getting that audition. And Monday I forgotten that I had no audition. Listen, I had no audition for a fucking popular show. It shoots in New York City. I was very happy with it. I've shot it before.

I put the audition on tape. I must be back because I shot the motherfucker in two takes. I had that bitch. You know what I'm saying? They're like, you're good to go. But they called on Thursday and they're like, hey man, can you, uh, you booked it. Congratulations.

The first offer they made me, first off, I didn't know what I was reading for. I didn't know whether it was a guest star or a costar. Listen guys, I don't give a fuck. I'm just happy that they offered me something and they let me do a fucking audition. That's all I'm, I'm grateful for that. I put the audition on tape.

Boom, I got to call Thursday morning. They call it 905. I was telling Mike. And they go, hey, we offered it to you, but my congratulations will call you more with production. I go, okay. And right away my wife called and she goes, I saw the offer.

Are they fucking serious? And I'm like, yeah. I go, I won't do it for that. I go, it's not worth it because I got to pay commissions on that, drive, do all this shit. But I'm trying to bump them up. You know, my wife is like, wow, that was low. I mean, it's, it's fucking low guys, real fucking low.

And you know, I called back my agent, the guy who's helping me for these particular gigs. And he goes, yeah, I'll get you some more money. He got me some more money. Still, it wasn't a fucking third of what I had gotten in 99, 2000. When I was doing co-stars in the early 2000s and then I started booking guest stars. There was still a little money left.

Again, when I started booking guest stars, people were making 15 grand. When I started booking them, I was making five grand. When I'm into the 10 grand, they're, you know, the guys and you don't sweat it. You just fortunate enough to be there. So they come back with the dough, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, listen, it shoots Monday morning.

And I exactly know what that means. It's Thursday, which means I need to go into the fucking city on Friday. Now, my daughter's got to play plus I'm shooting PRP in my knee. I don't think this is going to work on a fucking Friday. You know, the girl's got to play at seven. I don't want to be getting through there fucking rushed up from the Jersey Turnpike and the Parkway. It's a fucking drag to drive on that shit.

All right. They go, no worries. We'll get in Friday for wardrobe. We'll get in as early as possible. And I tried to work with them myself, try to cancel the doctor's appointment. Bro, these motherfuckers called back Thursday night at 11 o'clock at night to tell me, no, we'll see you tomorrow at three. And I'm like, you know what, man?

You know me guys. I love to work. I'm a modest guy. But guess what? I'm not going in there at three on a Friday. I'm just not doing it. I don't know where I'm going. I have no idea.

It's Friday. And it's going to fucking rain. If there's an accident on that Turnpike, I'm going to have to sit there to my ass grows roots. I'm not, it's not worth it to me anymore. You know, I told them the truth. I'm not doing it. They're like, okay, we could do the wardrobe on fucking Monday.

And you need to take a COVID test. You need to come in here on Sunday. I'm not doing that either. Listen, COVID is dead. Elvis is dead. I don't feel so good myself. If you get COVID now, you even tell somebody you're a fucking idiot. Just go along with your life.

Nobody's dying anymore. That's it. It's over. You know, and then they started with the fucking, oh, we need a COVID card. Listen, last I checked Kyrie Irving is playing. Last I checked Kyrie Irving is playing again. That's it. What's with the fucking COVID card?

You know, enough with this shit already. It's over. Okay. We could take the COVID test Monday when you get there. No, they called back Friday night 11. You need to take it. What's the nearest COVID testing facility to your house? I don't know.

CVS. Maybe let's do a CVS right down the corner. You know, when did that Saturday? It's a 24 hour turnaround of 48 hours. They were hitting me back way before the 24 hour mark to fucking find out the results. I'm like, what do you do? Call CVS. Get to the bottom of this.

Production is waiting. No, they're not. No, they're not. This is just you guys, you know, you learn so much over the years. And again, I quote that Bill Hicks thing constantly. It's not that you're lazy. It's not that pot pot makes you lazy. Is that what you're thinking about doing isn't worth it.

You think about it. It's not worth it. You have to go down there and sweep, pick up the broom and talk to that boss. And it's the same with me. I'm not lazy. I'm not saying that I smoked dope all day. What I'm saying is that as you get older, you're like, I want to do it. But it's not worth it.

After the commissions, the Jersey tax, the New York tax, and I sit here and think about young actors. I don't think about me. I don't think I give a fuck about me. I think about people who actually go to NYU. People actually go to UCLA or USC and do all these great acting things. And they come out into the world at 22 years old. You know how hard it is to convince your fucking parents that you want to be a fucking goddamn

actor? Do you know how hard it is for any fucking kid to have to go up to their parents and go, hey, I want to be a fucking actor? And you're like, well, we had plans for you. We wanted you to be a fucking slobalibus or whatever the fuck, an underwater surgeon. You know, I'm just making shit up here. But it's like, how can you justify it? You got to go to acting class.

You got to fucking starve. Then you get shot by Alec Baldwin. It never fucking, I mean, what the fuck? And I love guys. I fucking am a movie buff. I do a review on Patreon. I love all this shit. I watched two to three fucking movies a week that you wouldn't even think of what watching.

I'm such a fucking retarded movie buff. I love all this shit. I love the process of acting. I love shooting. But guys, at one point, you know, I'm starting to look at it now like how desperate I was to succeed because I would have done, I would have jumped all those hoops. And the more you do it, I told you guys years ago that there came a time I didn't like working no more. I love booking the job.

I love going in there and booking the audition and telling everybody suck my motherfucking dickjack. I'm a dirty stand-up comic with all this comedy, ha ha ha ha, and with all this acting, ha ha ha ha. And I'm making a fucking living. Listen, I enjoy it. I love it. It's like fucking, you know, being an, I got an offer for a theater play a couple weeks ago. Guys, I would love to be in fucking theater, like a long running show in Manhattan. Like, but they taught you the rehearsals.

I don't have fucking eight hours a day to rehearse. After we have it, we move the fuck on. After the show's going and you're rehearsing, no, they taught you. And it's like, after a while, it's like, hurry up. What's the expression for people in Hollywood? Hurry up to sit like they have a joke that they do. It's like, hurry up to sit here for fucking eight hours. And then we'll get to you.

And it's like, I'm over it. I respect people and I respect your wishes and I respect your production. But you know what, man? I don't know what happened to it. You know, I was in LA. I was very happy. I wasn't even an acting kid who came from an acting background or anything. I don't know anything about fucking acting.

I'm like Paulie and Goodfellas. I don't know anything about restaurants. I go to the restaurant. I order food. I'm the same way. I don't know anything about fucking. I go to the movie theater and I get fucking Snickers and I sit there. And yes, I got a little Reese's penis.

Fucking tremendous when I went to see John Lee. Those little Reese's pieces. Oh, they're fucking tremendous. I spilled a bag with my daughter. You know, I was hoping that Jesus, I needed, listen, I needed a certain amount to get insurance. And this didn't even come close to it, but I didn't care. It'd be nice to work, walk around New York City on Monday. Shoot, maybe get a butted fucking bagel, meet some new people.

It's not about the fucking money, but at the same time, you got to pay your bills. You got to fucking pay rent. You know, you got to do shit. So I'm happy that Mercy did a fucking play. I'm jumping up and down about it, but it's not. I hope she doesn't get into it. Listen, God bless it. God bless if she wants to try this shit.

God bless if they want to try basketball, but I tell you what, for acting stand up. All these things that we like doing, I like doing, you know, it's, you could do all these things as a hobby. You know, acting is a great hobby. I told everybody I fucking knew over and over and over again. If you ever go to LA, if you ever decide to go to Los Angeles for a job, I don't care if you're selling fucking cemetery plots. I don't give a fuck what you're doing in LA. You have to go transfer there for a job and you're close to the Hollywood area. Do me a favor.

Go to a fucking commercial agent and apply. Listen, commercials, they'll take you in a fucking New York minute for a commercial, an agent. Like if you go in and go, I want to be an actor, I need an agent, they'll go take a fucking hike. But if you go in and go, I want to be commercials, whether you're missing fingers, whether you have an eye, whether you have a pogo stick for a leg, they'll fucking sign you. While you're there, you might as well audition for commercials because you never know, you might make six figures. So take a chance, fucking Columbus did cocksucker. And that's the Monday podcast on March 27, 2023. I love you cocksuckers, stay black, and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors.

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