Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - When you come at the king, you best not miss

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

This week on The Check In Joey and Lee give their reaction to what happened to the former President, what Joey thinks of graffiti artists, preparing for life as a protestor, and choosing your path as a comedian. Support the show and get 20% off your 1st order of Liquid I.V. Head to https://www.liquidiv.com and use promo code JOEY Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping on your Manscaped order. Head to https://www.manscaped.com and press in code DIAZ  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's going on Tarzan? Talk to me. I'm doing good, dude. I'm just Excited to see you. I don't see you everything good. How was the weekend? The weekend was good I did a show in Boston on Friday and then on Saturday like I drove all the way I just thought of you because I drove to Syracuse I had two shows at the at the funny bone on Saturday night. It was really cool I had two shows at the at the funny bone on Saturday night. It was really cool But like I And I'm sure it happens all the time but like this is the first time they

had like an extra feature and it was like I went up there was like something in my head and it ended up being Different and like I had to like adjust and like I was like has that did that ever happen to you? Did you ever have like get there like all the time? or like Your point like we don't need you now like did they ever happen to you? Did you ever have like get there like all the time? or like Your point like we don't need you now like did they ever cancel you when you got there? No, they always if they double book it they'll pay you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're great to me Yeah, they either send you home or you could do a set and they'll give you a dinner. That's the standard, you know But you're gonna get double booked all the time

it's just a part of growing up wait do you have to share a room with a guy? Because they double booked it and there's no extra hotel rooms. Oh, jeez. Oh, yeah. That happens somewhere. That'll happen on somebody's tour. Some crazy club will call you get there and you're staying in the fucking the owner's house and the attic and there's a raccoon I did that on a show I stayed as a future and it was like They had me go to like this place and it was a room in a condo and then like that night he came in I don't know you lived here, too. That's crazy. It's crazy dog You're gonna you know, hey listen, you got a cut corner somewhere as a comedy club owner especially In the summers those hotel rooms are fucking you know

2 300 a night 140 listen. I just went to uh mount Something last weekend Fucking beautiful, you know nice part of jersey an I want to have from me maybe an hour 15 Mount Holly, maybe I don't fucking know and We got a hotel room fucking one of the best hotels I ever had I mean it was a regular a high it right when I asked My wife what they fucking charged She said 149 a night

You should have seen the breakfast in this joint first off. It was eggs to order. There was a chef. I I mean, yeah, and And listen, I'll stay there all the time and I'll tell you why because anybody who saves me breakfast money I don't want to run around for breakfast You know, you know when people tell you oh, this is great place You got to go there and then you get then it's an hour 15 wait Will you wait?

Fuck no, that's why I won't leave the hotel at 8 in the morning. I Gotta be in a hotel that has a decent fucking breakfast. So you're down me over Okay, do you go down in your pajamas or you get dressed? No, you take a shower. Listen, I wake up in a hotel I get up I Always bring something to drink, you know in the morning juice or something if there's a coffee maker in the room Sometimes I drink it just to kill the morning you have a vapor pen to get the party started to give you a little wind under your sails And then you wash your pussy and you run downstairs

You know Before when I check in I know they got something for me. I'm not gonna check in They're gonna hit me with a by the way. There's no breakfast for nothing. Oh And sometimes they give you the powdered eggs But the powdered eggs will hold you over till the next little powdered eggs. Some of that fucking hog bacon that smells like dick, a piece of seven grain toast and it holds you over for an hour. Oh my God.

That breakfast saved me the last time I was in Jersey. It was that night that I got so fucked up. I just slept on your, I slept on your couch and I got back to the hotel and on the way up to my room. Oh, fuck you. I still had my backpack on. I went and I got like two plates because I was like, oh my God, I was so hungry. Fucking hungry.

We took so many edible that just passed out on your couch. Oh my God. Sometimes you go downstairs and they got like eggs. They got a bunch of shit and they got like cinnamon, Sometimes you go downstairs and they got like eggs. They got a bunch of shit and they got like cinnamon Cinnamon rolls or like cinnamon donuts and powder You take two of those back upstairs to your room for law and order at 10 a.m

After you smoke a number you got two cinnamon donuts in your room You don't gotta eat no star mink and potato chips or none of that shit. It's a fucking beautiful morning, you know? Oh, yeah, you're right. Comedy is, listen, even when you're a headliner and you're in a B room, comedy is a trick. They don't treat you right to your selling tickets. Right. Once you put an investment in that club, watch the difference.

They give you earphones, in that club watch the difference. They'd give you earphones Take way to a cake, you know If you're not selling tickets, you just What did the club is basically giving away tickets to get people in so they could sell them alcohol food, you know, right? And you're up there bombing, you know thinking you're fucking You know, right and you're up there bombing, you know thinking you're fucking Okay, Dave Chappelle and you're up there in front of a bunch of people don't even know how to spell shat And yeah, it's it's it's you're doing it but there's times at this heartening. Oh

That's sure what's why when you put your goals you want a headline You better put specifically where you want a headline Because you'll end up in bowling alleys and shit, you know for this guy. He's got a Thursday night. Listen I'm just starting up a Thursday night. We do it at a bowling alley. You might come in I'll give you an extra 300 you get there people are touching you. You know, it's a bowling alley in rural fucking, Iowa People are touching your jeans and shit You do have to be specific with the universe. I found that like many thing. Oh Yeah, you gotta be specific with that fucker cuz if not, he'll send you out of fucking you'll go like Joey I write my goals, but you're not writing specific goals. You wrote headline

You didn't say you didn't want to headline a fucking tugboat Fucking pulling to the ship of sailors day you are with 12 guys funny thing Happened to me on the way to the pier go fuck yourself I could just imagine that stupid horn going off during every punchline. It's It's work as Long as you're not taking it personal It's work give you a funny story before we get this thing going. Okay. I'm gonna let I'm working my ass off It's probably 1998 and I got a call from Tribble

And he says to me I got a Great deal for you and it was for him. It was a great deal He wanted me to co-headline with some motherfucking kid. I didn't know him. I knew him by name But I didn't know him by This is 1999 this kid inspired me a lot So You know the day came I had to fly into somewhere and he picked me up in his car and the deal was we drove, we co-ed line, they gave us all our money and Tribble was going

to pay for the plane ticket, which was a rarity. It was a cheap plane ticket at the time, but whatever. And I remember that I was living in LA and I was at the store. Did I have a chip on my shoulder? No, but yes, I Was in prison for four years now I'm at the store doing spots with fucking Paul Mooney and all these guys so I Get up there. I'm doing a triple run, but I'm not acting like a fucking ass, you know, I'm just being me and

I get in the car with a nice guy, you know, we start talking It gave us four days to get along, you know, like we had what what six or seven hour drives We better get along, you know, yeah, he didn't get high, but he didn't mind that I got high, you know and I Ask asked him like the second day I go so when you're in Seattle when do you do the underground and this guy said to me goes I don't really want to get involved with that he goes I've been doing comedy for nine years. I'm very happy I do a bar by my house once a week when i'm in town

And he goes the rest of my work is all triple Wow One night we wrote and he showed me his notebook if you think I was detailed This guy was very fucking detailed, you know sets money jokes I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie There's only small actors When somebody contacts you and go yeah, I got a movie for you. It's just one line

Some people are like one line. What the fuck? Well, it depends how you milk that line It depends how you use it if you say it like a mouse. It's one line And and i'll never forget that There's not small roles. There's just small actors And when he said that to me it hit me to what that kid was doing. Listen, at the end of the four days, I enjoyed myself with the guy. We had a great time. We laughed. I think we went to a strip club. We giggled. It was like nice to see pussy.

You know, he wasn't as crazy as I was, but when I would say something crazy, he would giggle. You know, and we had a great time. And what I realized was that there was a guy that was at peace. I thought I was at the Comedy Store and I was making it happen. No, he was making it happen on his own terms. And he was enjoying it. And he took those runs the way Bert Kreischer, Dave Chappelle and Andrew Schultz handle the garden To him like that Saturday night was 300 seats. I can't believe to him. It was the garden I did this every to every Saturday night the Comedy Store 140 seats the main room

He did this like once every six months and it gave me a certain admiration. That's why I said to you with comedy You control it whatever you were you want to put up with that shit? He told me but I don't want to put up with that shit I gotta go to open mics and be nice to people He goes that crazy in those open mics because that I mean listen He had an argument. He's not wrong not wrong and he was content with who he was With the work he was getting he told me he's gonna come in a headline and he had a plan He said once he starts headlining all those small towns

he's gonna book theaters and He'll grow from those things and that's perfect for him. He's out of the beaten path. He said I always have work I forgot what the name guy's name was. I don't know if he's still alive, you know But it really made me admire that part of comedy like he didn't want to go to LA We Yeah, do shit it's like one of the coolest things about like me being back here and doing comedy for a couple years is like There is a huge

Like scene I like local. There's a lot of really great local comedians who Could be boring but first like certain reasons just would rather be in one spot But first like certain reasons just would rather be in one spot Listen, there's still comedians. That doesn't make oh, yeah, maybe you or me or Anybody else they just picked a certain path You know for some people they got on a ship and they'll stay on there for 40 fucking years. Oh Yeah 30 years they'll stay on the ship and am I gonna be mad at them?

No, I listen when I got into this I chose the road somehow another I ended up in Seattle Somehow another ended up in LA I got no regrets But I'm just telling you that everybody has a comfort zone and anybody has a place that they feel comfortable Doing whatever the fuck they got to do on their rate. Listen, God bless them but that week with that kid showed me a lot It showed me to be happy for what I had that was very lucky and That uh, fuck it. We got a smoke dope and keep kicking ass. Let's get this party started check. What's happened you savages?

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So now if your TVs run for your lives, it's over They didn't put you on this planet just to give up i thought well joey could do it i can rule the world that's what you gotta be thinking I What up Luke good to see you buddy good to see you happy fucking Tuesday So we got to talk about this because if not, we'll be banned from the airwaves give our take on it What do you think about the Trump situation? I? didn't think it was We'll be banned if we don't talk about it I

To be honest, I found out about it between shows and I thought it was fake at first Like I thought because you never know with the internet and then when I saw it It was I don't know it was a crazy thing I'm surprised even they missed like they got like but I'm on it like I was talking about with some people Thank God for a lot of reasons. He didn't get killed but like if they had killed him like it could have been like War it would have been like they would have been so bad beyond someone getting assassinated but like

How like thank god that's all that happened is his ear and he looks fucking really cool. I got it That picture was fucking I Don't know what you think about trump. No, listen. I never thought bad about guys. I i'm not a political guy I see every day we got to get up to work. so I don't give a fuck what you think about somebody. The funny thing was the hatred he has on him, like that's it, George Clooney, all of them switched. All those Hollywood f*****s, they were like, nah, that's it, we're with Trump now.

They got the pictures up on Instagram now and shit. F*****g George Clooney and Trump on Epstein's Island playing the bongos. They got everything They got everything, you know Everybody's changing now. Listen, he's a fucking god. He's a god now. Oh, yeah fucking they missed him They try to take him down listen, like the man said when you try to hit the king you best not miss and like the man said when you try to hit the king you best not miss and

You know, it's a different fucking world now, but the best thing about what happened what I saw was I Got home listen it happened. I'm out, you know 20 people texture 20 people call you, you know, you're on the fucking you're on the jersey we're in fight to avoid the I don't avoid Amish nails and shit and fucking you get home and there's a lot of those what you got to do you wash your pussy you turn the fucking TV on after a while and you're like let's see what happens so I made a mistake I threw on CNN you know I don't know I don't know which one to throw on I know one is for the one guy they're all terrible I don't give a I don't know which one to throw on. I know one is for the one guy. They're all terrible.

I don't give a fuck. And I'm watching this shit. And the best part about it was when he was down, they had cameras and all these dirt merchants. They all look like they took like a fucking bus from Florida with fucking Confederate shit on their head. They're giving the camera the finger going, fuck you, fuck you.

My wife was at a restaurant with the girls after a softball game. She said the owners had to turn it off because the people kept going, fuck you to the camera, fuck you, fuck you. Trump is number one. And listen, I love it. I fucking love it. You know what? He turned around at Nick DeZia. He's bleeding. He got up. He waved his shit

They went crazy dog to some people that's like Jesus coming out of the cave and the flag was behind him Do you think I couldn't have paid for a better picture? Oh, no That's it. That's I think fucking eight countries call them today to be that president It will take anything indictments felonies. You're the president. That's it Did they already have like all them today and so listen? Listen, look you can live here on a mansion. We got bitches we got everything here 74 year old bitches all the way down a 18

74 year old bitches all the way down to 18 America getting shot you're a real deal Cuz you already had like that merch that was like him on tanks or him like riding an eagle Like you've seen like this picture like like this photo look like that It looked like him with the flag at the end. He had blood on his face. Rocky just fell like the statue of Rocky, they're kicking it right now, Philly. They're putting up a statue of Trump bleeding from his neck, his ear, fucking, you know,

with the flag was just tremendous. When I saw, I watched like 10 times, you know? It was fucking tremendous. See, I grew up like when I, when when I was a kid I got hit with two fucking Assassinations right off the bat what I remember Kennedy. I could love to tell you that was I was even born when Kennedy got shot I think No, I was born. I was eight nine months

Yeah, I was about nine months old when he got shot I could tell you I remember it like Terrence Howard, but I'm saying I was just nine months old. I remember president get shit And then But I do see on see on shooting the young brother I But I do see on see on shooting the young brother Remember that I was a young kid and I was scared it was black and white Look at you. How many edibles you take tonight one cocksucker? Mm-hmm. Slip it slack

It's choking. I can't even handle water over here. I'm doing fine. You can handle water. It's okay It's and who was the second one who was there another and then what about would you consider like? The beetle guy would you consider that an assassination? It's kind of I Don't know I'm talking about political figures you got to throw in some long-haired fucking guy that was married to Japanese Queen I don't fucking know What Married the Japanese queen. I don't fucking know What Long-haired guy who is married to a Japanese person. It's in my fucking Wikipedia uncle Joey's Wikipedia, right? This is uncle Joey's week. I gotta start that pretty soon. You really do. Oh, yeah We go through all the leaves born in England

He who gives a fuck just give it to me straight Give me a bottom line what he do how they do it. Would he marry? He got three ugly kids one of them is fucking you know I Don't know it could be a card game. We're like on the back. It's like how you describe a show to me You're like I don't know and you could say with that guy who is The long-haired guy married to a Japanese lady? And they would have to know it's John Lennon. That's worth like 10 points.

The John Lennon thing was interesting because I was alive and kicking. And at that point, my mother had died already, I don't know, maybe a couple of weeks, maybe. I don't even know. It was, my mother died to 79 So John Lennon either went down in 79 or an 80 And it was fresh like it was fresh, you know that it was great night for me, but I will get to it later

It was like December 8th of 80. Okay, so my mother was dead a year. She had been punched in the ticket No, it's a Monday night and I'm uptown doing acid with my buddies, the whole thing. And something happened and we just run home. And I'm living with the benders, Mr. Benders in the living room, God bless his soul. And I walking on the acid and this motherfucker's awake. I'm like, God damn it.

So I sit next to him on the couch and I'm watching all this. And all of a sudden, Howard Cosell just comes on My god damn it. I sit next to him on the couch and I'm watching all this and all sudden Howard Cosell just comes on and says oh my god. Oh my god John Lennon has been shot. I remember like that was fucking insane Then staying up and you know But I remember the most the best thing I remember out of that is he got shot Monday night at 11 or something, right? Okay, Tuesday. I go to school early in the morning and

There's a mural of the Beatles and somebody in my high school already put an X through John Lennon I was like, all right With that wasn't you? I wasn't me. I wasn't up fuck. I've never been a graffiti. You know, I Know graffiti are getting on trains right and I love you shit drawing pictures of penguins those trains Cops be your listen graffiti artists. They get beat up all the fucking time. Do they really? Yeah, because what are you gonna give him a ticket? They're gonna keep fucking doing it. So you gotta take him down break a hand His shoulder they got a paint with a computer, you know They got a paint by sound or something, how do you think these graffiti artists, you know, they like they'd stab him or something

That's it. No, I hate graffiti so much. I don't hate graffiti. I don't hate it I'm just saying that I would never do it because cops beat you up It's like You know, it's the same Avenue you get into protest. You don't worry about getting arrested You worried about getting dogs let on you and fucking you know You got a tough in your skin a little bit getting hit with baton You got to go like baton classes and have him hit you in the head with a helmet without a helmet Did you see that guy from the yankees get hit with that baseball the other night to the head?

No, friday night the benches cleared out in baltimore the yankees were playing baltimore This guy threw a fucking pitch. It had to be 90 miles an hour go check it out on spn this week or something It hit this guy in the fucking head with the helmet on he went down, but he got up I mean it was a hard bitch When they took the helmet off he was bleeding from his fucking head. Oh Like he had some type of contusion and shit. He didn't know where he was He ran for 30 90 miles an hour like that's crazy. No

So it is what it fucking is dog. You know what I'm talking about? How were your sets this week? They were good. I had good sets this week. I did, you know, sometimes I feel like I do well in front of like the booker or the club owner or something like that.

And like they say nice things, but like nothing really ever happens or like I feel like I do well but whatever and then I was I did some sets two sets in front of like the owner of two rooms and like he acted he like I got positive feedback and it's cool like actually have someone let's say like oh, yeah, okay. We'd love to have you back. Well look look I'm gonna give it to you straight. All right They don't like you. You don't know if they like you till you come back the second time right? I don't know everything else is bullshit every time you go to a club you try to do good Right and you try to sell yourself for a second round man. This club great

I'd love to come back. You know the club sucks dick It's happy to be working weekend as somebody I'd you so you're in they go. There's the best club I've ever worked that that guy's the best headliner meanwhile, he's got a toupee and he does magic tricks and his lines of English and shit, you know And then you hope but listen it's all bullshit so they put another check in your pocket don't even worry about it for me it's like going on audition you could leave there and we go to the audition in your

mind I did this I did that I should get then you don't get it and you think that you suck but you know the director had a nephew. Oh Yeah And with this shit sometimes Listen, there's friends of mine that I fucking adore so I've been friends with From anywhere from 40 years to 20 years to 15 years Listen I miss calls I'm with my daughter. I'm in the car. I know they're gonna open up saying fuck you or whatever you miss calls, you know and It's the same thing with club owners sometimes Sometimes you fall in between the cracks till something happens

I guess a lot of good comics I've got 2,000 stories about getting into a club and trying and then awesome the guy called you out of nowhere When you forgot about even sending the tape You forgot you were like, I don't even want to work there no more that guy don't like me also They thought to do a job that you never thought he'd call you to do you were looking for feature work He's calling you back with a co-headline week Okay, so

You know learn that now you're gonna shake their hand you're gonna say yeah, all right, I'll see you Christmas all right Once you leave there brother you're out of sight out of mind. Oh, yeah, and I don't I try not to take it personally I really don't know you cannot take it personal. This is a business Mm-hmm You know sometimes when you leave a club and this what I started doing like after I moved to LA and I learned about It and there's a serious question. You got to ask yourself To test your value as a comic to see if you're anything on the same ballpark Walk out of a club after three nights and go how much money did I make them?

Right how much? Money that I make them I sold 12 tickets Thursday night 82 Saturday night Friday night and 16 on Saturday. What did I legitimately make them? Because that's it. You're a gangster and Your value to me is what you give me on Friday. Your value to me is when I come into my coffee shop and I got six soldiers coming in to give me envelopes, how much do I mean to you? Now you're in charge of book bookmaking but because you need a big envelope to get to me You're gonna start selling drugs on the side go partners on drugs do that

Because it's about the envelope, you know And I feel bad telling people sometimes Because you know that I get contacted by everybody it'd be a part of this or that and everything is on the arm? Listen if they're paying me scale Scale if you call me and you go I have a pilot and it's paying you scale Three days I'll do it for you But don't call me and say we're gonna shoot a pilot and then it's gonna get picked up later I don't I don't want to fucking hear that shit. I just don't want to fucking hear that

What we talking about the edibles are kicking it we're talking about you know clubs I I wasn't sure where you're going with that story, but you were talking about I Always go somewhere else to go back to the fucking thing and sometimes I get off the beaten pad I'm there too. We were talking about like I get off the beaten bat I'm there too. We were talking about like Well clubs not bringing you back or like and that's it you gotta ask yourself how much value that I bring to that club

Yeah, but I thought I fucking did great I got a partial standing ovation on Thursday will standing ovations don't play the liquor bitch, right? Yeah, and it's like Yeah, and it's like There's still people I learned a fucking valuable lesson in Hollywood I'm gonna say it right now So people fucking know okay, the valuable lesson was It was amazing how people treated me when I wasn't selling tickets It was amazing how people treated me when I was selling tickets For young comics before you get a meeting now

They're gonna tap into your live nation And see how many tickets you're selling And see how many tickets you sold for the year and see how many tickets you saw last year the year before To see if there was growth They're gonna look at a lot of fucking things these shows or these networks When I took I got a little shitty deal from Fox five years ago They went through everything I mean they went through everything and

It taught me that here. I was thinking if you have a good idea, they'll give you a meeting No, because a lot of people want to be in it They want to know what the where the fuck you're coming from you're gonna come to me with this idea a And you've never done nothing and As a comic they want, you know, and a lot of comics like I got an idea for a show. Yeah They'll listen but then they're gonna look at the background. They're gonna look at YouTube numbers They know look at podcast numbers. They look at fucking everything You know, I had a kid hit me up three months ago. I'm shooting a pilot I got this director you would be great in two scenes. No, I wouldn't it's not gonna help you fucking pop project

not gonna help you at all put me in that And number two you haven't sold the tickets since day one you've been doing comedy 20 years You feel like cutting through but you don't want to step on somebody's dream I Saw it Lee I saw how much ticket movement influenced everything else. Look now, listen, I haven't sold the ticket in two years, right, since Sony Hall.

And before that, it was two years before that. Okay. People don't call me. people don't check in no more The people were supposed to always on me. I could call them now and go. Hey, I'm thinking of doing this. Can you help me? I'm never here from them again Really yep, because in their mind Stand up I haven't had an audition in two months this thing started this machine started becoming noticeable About two months ago, and then I got a few offers. I don't even know if they represent me

But the funny thing was I don't really care But it just goes to show you guys without the tickets You're funny. Ha ha ha we'll go play golf But when the chips go down, you know, you can't get mad. And that's what comics will never understand at an early stage, that it's about the tickets and it's fucking sad.

You know, I had, I don't even wanna fucking tell the story, but you know, I had, I don't even want to fucking tell the story, but you know, I was a young comic. Listen, bro, I'm not into grabbing nobody's ass or grabbing the chick's tit that that's not my bag. Even when I was doing coke, I don't want to grab you and I want to suck that fucking thing and I don't want to grab your ass. I want to eat your ass.

You follow me? And you know me for a long time. I'm not even a strip club guy. Right. No. So like I said, 1994, some chick said I smacked her ass. It wasn't even the chick. It was the manager at the club that saw me.

And for 20 years, they made it like it was the crime of the century And one day I bumped into her and she asked me if I was angry around and I said no why because You threw me out of your club and I was either gonna kill somebody they're gonna kill me So you saved my life and here I am and two days later. They made me an offer now Did I change that much in 20 years or? He sells tickets now It's okay

Yeah, exactly how much the money like overweighs morals at certain points and will overweight I felt bad. I took the money. I got at the time. I had a two-year-old But if it was any other circumstance, I wouldn't have taken the money. Because now you want to take my money now that, you know, that I'm selling tickets. But 20 years ago was a crime. For 10 years, people came in here and told you to book me and you said, no. I was banned. And all of a sudden, I'm not mad at anybody. but that just goes to show you. And I need comics, young comics, to really understand that. That we're paying attention. Club owners, club bookers, they're all paying attention to your talent. But once it gets into the meat and bananas of it, you know,

when I'm a booker and I book rooms around Boston Rhode Island in Maine I Call the club. I tell them to bring four comics in there Give them a weekly show or monthly show and they pay me a fee 350 to book the room I get ten rooms. I make three grand a month Yeah, as a bad way God forbid I go Lee you're hysterical. Give me your commission. I'll book you. He ain't gonna book you He's just taking extra money off the top He's only got 16 rooms. What's that gonna do for you? It's not even 32 weeks. It's not even 32 weeks. You can't you know, I'm saying it's 16 isolated dates. So

That's what young comics don't fucking understand. It breaks my heart. But at the same time I Didn't understand it either. But when people would talk to me about their issues, I would go, who gives a fuck, just be funny. All that goes away by being fucking funny. All the, I would hope so. All that bullshit goes away, but then now you're funny Ralphie made another guy who gave me advice one time because you're never gonna do nothing with your career because you're playing to the back

of the room He was right The back of the room don't pay your bills The front of the room pays your bills those losers in the back. Ah Yelling when you crack a joke Don't pay your bills The audience pays your bills do the material towards them, right? That's why they say when you're a comics comic, you don't sell tickets Because the comics like you the audience don't

The comics like to see what you do the audience and think you're cool by torturing them or tell them they suck dick Or whatever the fuck it is that you think but now It's like this because I talked to a lot of open micers I'm gonna open mics all the time and I loved every I love going to comedy clubs, but Those most of like they they would like this show to be good but I had certain clubs you get the impression that it's like, they don't really, if they sell out, they're much happier with a mediocre show that sells out than a great show that is like a half full.

I always rather have a great show. I mean too. Me too. Listen, I went down the route of, I can't say perfection, but I went down the route of, after a while, you start caring about the consumer. I always very much cared about the consumer in tickets. And that's, you've got to love your audience you gotta love your fucking audience you can't it for years in comedy it's you against them you ever

feel that way and come in the audience yeah it's you against them there's one part of your career which like fuck them I'm gonna guys you gotta love them for them to love you and they have to know that you love them once they know you love them don't jump off a cliff for you that's right oh I like that though what won't they do for you you know okay I was thinking of bombings like I was talking on the patreon podcast today about a bombing I took I had a at freaky Monday freaky Monday was one of the best nights in Hollywood Every was there every fucking comedian was there And I took an eight-minute bombing there one night, and I took it so personal

I took an eight minute bombing there one night. I took it so personal. And I think I was telling you, but I actually picked up and left LA and fucking went on the road to shit rooms. Because people were like, well, did you listen to the tape? There was nothing to listen to. It was just that bad.

We buddy make so many excuses for you. And I will know, it was me. That's the beauty of standup, for you and I will know it was me That's the beauty of stand-up that you have to also know when to stop and get out of your body and look inside yourself and go hey This sucks. Come on This sucks. And if you don't think I did that a lot I did that a lot. That's why I'm not going on stage now this sucks Third or what I could do This is okay what I could do this sucks I'm the type of guy could say that to myself. I ain't going fun for that audience. I haven't written a joke

I could I didn't remember the old ones Well, see me do all those sets there were sets I wrote that night on the way up there I know when I go to Rogan's I come out with like 11 minutes the first show And then the second show I do 14 then by the time I do the third show. I'm up to 20 18. I'm okay I don't know but you asked me if I write jokes. Yeah, I write stupid fucking jokes, you know, not in this notebook but No, this is my podcasty notebook. You know I'm saying so But no, this is my podcasting notebook, you know saying so

That would be crazy I got my mushrooms today, too Oh, yeah Jesus christ things. Ooh Holy shit, they came through like a motherfucker They sent me some louis batons They sent me those other little dirty ones the ghost. Ooh Are those the small ones? Yeah, they sent me some Louis Vuitton's. They sent me those other little dirty ones, the ghost. Ooh. Oh, those are small ones? Yeah, they sent me fucking.

Those are creepy. I love the peppermint. Oh, the one looks really creepy. The one, the one mushroom bro, they look creepy. Once this show finishes, I'm gonna launch on these. I'm off for a nice ride. I'm gonna watch Jimmy Sun play basketball roller joint And go out there with some off and kill some fucking mosquitoes

Hopefully the mushrooms will make me watch them just fall from the sky to the ground And they're playing for your Monday evening. Please now, please now and I step out of your cock suck I won't step on I believe in karma my half a Buddhist. I'm saying so You gotta do it. You can't be bugging. Yeah, they my wife killed the bug. I almost lost like I see that same but walking around Pretty little fuck and she goes no, it's not it's one of those things that you killed because they eat your grass So they eat the fucking trees. Why don't you kill bugs? Because it's not Christian like men might tell you when I was a kid. I was so angry at the world They killed bugs innocent bugs ants. What's an egg got to do with me? He's just carrying a piece of ham from oh, I

Gotta tell you what I saw the other night dog This shit scared the fuck out of me. Like I haven't been scared in 20 years. Okay, I'm going out. It's my 930 Friday night But take a little walk the girls were in the pool the coaches All people I go let me take a little walk and pull a little fucking wind under my sail, right? Okay, I step out of the fucking hotel I'm about to like this fucking bone of debt and all of a sudden a fucking Squirrel And it wasn't I don't know it jumped out of this fucking

Glazed donor around his mouth This motherfucker was running with the glazed donor and then it fell and he stopped like it was stale So broken half he locked he dropped a little piece This motherfucker was carrying the other big piece of the dough like a little car like he was all those tires You ever see those fucking guys with tattoos that carry the tires the truck tires and trying to push them over This little squirrel must have weighed a pound this donut Was three days old it must have weighed 18 fucking pound this poor squirrel was pulling it pulling it pulling it pulling it Then I just walked away because I just want them to eat the donut, you know, I eat the donut little squirrel

Don't don't take it. He's like look at this fat fucking guy. So I take my donut. I'm not gonna take it donut And what why was it so scary? Did you see it jumped out or something? It jumped out. I wasn't expecting that. Where was it? Like how close did it get to you? Three fucking feet.

The garbage can was right there. I looked out, said what a beautiful night. And all of a sudden, and a fucking squirrel flies out with a flying donut in his mouth. Oh shit, thank God I didn't have those mushrooms. Cuz I would have really shit my pants. What about like, I've heard about like New York having a rat problem.

Do you ever like have like a rat, bunch of rat stories? New York's had some rat problems since I was a fucking kid. They're getting bigger and bigger. That's why I don't go to New York. You've seen them? Last time I saw a rat in New York was about five fucking years ago. Oh, where do you see it? I was on doing the old stand, the old stand. Okay. I went outside to smoke a joint and collect my thoughts before I went on stage. Right. And I got the worst fucking panic attack from all the cars going by

We live in LA, you know on a corner with shorts on these fucking cars are flying past me people are beeping Be lights and shit. I'm going into a small panic attack and I turn around and there's a bodega And there's a bunch of garbage bags in the bodega on the side And I'm looking at the garbage for some reason and all sudden it was like a punching bag I saw the thing go Two rats got into a fight in the garbage and also the one rat came out that motherfucker was huge He had a tail that was two feet. Oh, no. No, he didn't. Yes. He did. I go fuck this I'm going back into the fucking stand. I don't need this shit Beeping fucking rats. What the fuck is going on here?

That I'm know, I would be okay seeing it in like the subway. But I- Oh, the subway, that they keep going. You're like, what the fuck am I seeing things? You ever see those? You wait for the subway and they're walking past you. I don't see one yet. I don't like my stuff.

I gave blood to some guy on Friday and he was taking the blood out and we were talking about talking about fear and he goes the only fear I've ever had This guy was a big fucking black dude He goes the only thing I'm scared of his mice. I see a mice. I see a mouse. I move out of the apartment I feel like I see a mouse. I want to burn the fucking place down. I don't like mice I always have cats always oh, yeah Always especially where I live now. This is uh Those little fucking mice they live all over the back. I don't see him Jimmy Jimmy has more

Really? Or it teams got him more up there yard rats or they're just little things Jimmy finds everything by his house That motherfucker had dear living in his backyard Baby, dear possums. He's got everything over there and his back cuz he's right across the wilderness That's great. Yeah, that's crazy. I hate mice in my house. Oh, I hate all that shit What do you got this week mouse the 19th and 20th, which is Friday and Saturday? I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana at the Summit City Comedy Club with Josh Wolf Okay, really excited about that on the 21st. I'm in Lowell Massachusetts and

I'm really excited the September 6th and 7th. I'm headlining Nick's comedy stuff in Boston Look at you and shit. So I'm really excited about that. I got a couple of made September 6 to 7. Yeah Friday and Saturday Wanted it one show each night 8 o'clock. Is that labor that weekend or after labor? It's after I think I think it's after Julie Syed Buster David they really excited that they asked me and I'm a date date really excited that they asked me And you know I was I grew up here. That was really cool like headline of let's like a legit club It's a legit club and in Boston right next to the fucking Wilbur theater

I'm really excited. I'm having a lot of my really funny friends from the area on shows so I've known for a little bit, but it's I'm really excited to do it Man, I'm proud of you cocksucker. Thanks, buddy. You're a fucking animal headlining Nixon shit. Oh, yeah You bring a little guard. What are you doing? Am I what you bring it like a tomato garden case? They throw tomatoes at you Yeah, if you want to throw tomatoes at me fine, but I would love it I'm not gonna go now. I'm just saying No, I'm I would trust me. Can you imagine if you've had if they had tomatoes into one in Hartford?

Like that I think I've had I've had bombs but I'm not gonna bomb it it's gonna be great. It's gonna be a lot of fun Yeah, is it the Chinese place? No, I don't think it's not next to Kowloon anymore. No, there's show this shows a Kowloon, but I don't think it's next Oh, I wish you were headlining Kowloon. You had a chance of me going up there shit Right the Kowloons and they got a little darker It's like a little it's a lot Yeah, it's like almost the brown but it's fun. I love My ball gotta be honest. I'll go and get Kowloon and bring it to the show. But I know you the long fucking drive

Chinese food you gotta eat it there like a doctor Okay, I'll put a hotel right by Kowloon. What's that? Seventh is that Labor Day? I let me check. I don't think so I think it's the week after because I think I'm in that Saratoga I'm in Saratoga, New York the week before then almost positive. That's Labor Day Let's see No, Labor Day Let's see No, Labor Day is the second So we probably get that Monday off so it's a week after Labor Day

I think I come back I'm going to Delaware something that week. We're going away. You're gonna. Oh you we're gonna do in Delaware I'm gonna look for Biden. What the fuck you think I'm gonna do there's a beat out there. Yeah I don't know what you're doing, Delaware. I don't know my no no World I'm going down to a hobbit whatever that do we roll bit and Then I got to go to Cape May for a softball tournament. I was we were supposed to go to a casino Draft Kings wasn't ready with it yet. So listen, it is what it fucking is, buddy. I'm enjoying my summer.

I'm having a great time. You know, you asked me if I still write and I told you today, I gave you a lesson that was extraordinary. You know, your first reaction to things, So your first reaction to things, wrong, right, or indifferent, is usually your best reaction. And you have to throw something deep to get a reaction. And one thing, and listen, I wasn't good at writing jokes. I wasn't good at a lot of things in the comic.

But one thing I was really good at was getting the party started with a joke that got to the issue and was short and quick. Okay. An explosive. You know, somebody said Yakima Washington the other day and I started giggling. Yakima Washington was when I started, when I noticed I could it with Josh Wolf. Okay. They gave you a hotel. Now when I was driving into Palm String, into Yakima Washington, it said, welcome to Yakima. It's, it's a hotel. It's a hotel. It's a hotel. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me.

I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me.

I'm not sure if you can hear me. I'm not sure if you can hear me. I go to lay down. It's like 430 we get there like three hours before the show Right and the bed was so old. They had a magic fingers bed What is that? The ones you put a quarter in and moves around while you're fucking and sucking No, you call it a massage bed, but it's really like how they fucked in the 70s So you go in there with a bunch of quarters and you fucking put them in the slot and then you lay in the bed and it will chase you around

like until you get fucking dizzy and puke, right? Like an idiot. But some people use it to fuck in the 70s. Now this is 97, the bed's 28 years old or they bought it from somebody, you know. I would hope they changed the mattress. Well, whatever, it's the box spring that jolts in the fucking thing, right? So I'll never forget going downstairs,

and I said, thank you. Yakima was a great welcome. You know, I don't know if I used Palm Springs at the time, but I go, the whole time I'm staying there has a magic fingers bet. I put two quarters in it, I took a magic fingers bed I Put two quarters in I took a nap and I woke up with a thumb in my ass Hey, I don't remember the joke. I don't it was a little harder hitting

Because it was like six words to Joe You know and I still remember in the plane to Vegas with Rogan fucking 15 20 years ago, We're going to Vegas. Yeah 2004 we're going to Vegas the house of blues and I see that sign What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and right there? My first reaction was if I fuck in the ass, I'm telling somebody That was my first reaction what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but if I fuck you in the ass, I'm telling somebody I Fucking went up there with that. Bam. It worked for you. Yeah, let's fuck. Oh my god It's my first reaction and it clears the room. It tells the room who I am It lets the room know what time it is

I don't want no games. I don't want no hoops or ha's I don't want nothing Would you open with that at like the start of the show show like the three years after that I opened with that Wow, that's a crazy first joke Even though I don't like use and I used to write jokes just for that city To come out like that even though I don't like yous. And I used to write jokes just for that city to come out like that. That's crazy. And you know, and everything is nor, everything counts.

Everything, before you fly in, you go online and you get, or as soon as you land, you buy the local paper. You know, these are all exercises to write. I don't want you to write out of a paper Because then you throw away material but there's got to be one fucking article in there a guy walked into a bank with a mask of fucking of Jaws, there's got to be something in that newspaper and those people have heard it So they know by you throwing it up you just won them over

So they know by you throwing it up you just won them over So if you come out with one of those local jokes and then run it for about eight minutes and then throw their secret out That's it. Yeah, you can just take your dick out and give out sperm pills They just come up to you like when you go to Catholic Church the body of Christ the but it's like eating fucking little sperm shots to the mouth so my god Let me ask you this cuz it Would your expectation for that joke be like lower like if that joke about the city doesn't get like huge laughs It's okay because at least now like they'd like you a little bit more Is that what you're saying a little bit and if it doesn't listen very seldom listen

You don't know how many times my first joke was great that I bombed okay many a night But at that time I was just fighting for that first joke listen no matter what people say they like you within the first 30 seconds How many people walk up to you you look at me and go look at this fucking fat fuck look at it beauty Look at this chick. She needs a new shoe look at this, but you know It's the little things we say to each other They're cute and funny, but that's the same way the consumer looks at you when you're on stage or the person who's watching comedy Right. So, you know that I want to get when I walk on stage. They don't know what to expect I look like a gorilla. I got big hands. They don't know I'm Cuban. I look Italian. I'm from jerk

So I had a fucking let them know clear the air as speedy toes And that's a big one to open with but it's like it's crazy to think about like first how important first impressions matter people don't want to hear you sit if I go to a fucking green room if I get no green room and I eat the If I go to dinner Right if I go to dinner at the sushi place. Let's talk about Tempe Mm-hmm. You remember fucking Tempe improv Tempe improv for a while and all you could eat sushi who the fuck eats sushi in Tempe Okay

All right many people now so I remember going there Young comic, you know, well, I was never young, you know 1399 before the show I ate some of the sushi and within 20 minutes. I'm farting weird And I got to go on and shit for two hours and they bring me up on the stage That's exactly what I said I ate downstairs the sushi joint. I haven't stopped shit BAM and People were like yeah, I ate that too. I got sick. Yeah, everybody gets sick who eats fucking sushi and tempeh I mean, there's a long fucking time ago, you know even rather like sick in the hospital one time

He went down and he thought he was in Japan with John Leonard Eating fucking sushi off nasty girls and shit. He came back with some bacterial a twitch is fucking So every town has that and then oh, yeah And if you know every town has a monument every these are little things to break the ice You're not going up there with the same stupid opening joke Hi, thank you for being here. Me and my girlfriend just broke up it till we went to the guy that who gives a fuck Hit me with something that I don't know and hit me hard because I've had a rough fucking day and take me for a ride Right take me for a fucking ride people want to be taken for a ride I do I mean, I don't want you to pull up with the white van and go get in let's look now. I'm talking about

People can meet a grind. Yeah Yeah, you want it's fun, man It's so much fun and it's crazy how like I've noticed the shows like if I didn't have good energy like I didn't do as well and it's there's more to just like than the jokes and It's it's crazy. Like even just like getting energy in the room Like I've started to like try to do be more like physical. It's just there's so many things I can really like It adds to the show You've been doing comedy for seven years if you're lucky

In November early seven years. Yeah There's a fucking madderly. It's four months away. Anyway, I know November be seven It's It's a learning experience and I don't you know, like I told you a couple weeks ago I think that all these people I mean the world is jumping on comedy right now And it makes me excited like it you know every when I started in 91

That was the blow up of the 90s and 2000s. Those are the guys you're seeing now, you know These guys that are getting into the business now with all these clubs opening, you know, it's it's a great time to be a comic But I Always wanted people to know what's a journey and I fucking stress it every week on this podcast that this is not you know a Fucking you just gonna get in it and it's guaranteed There's a girl gonna be down time. There's a girl I talked to I've known her close to 26 years

We were running neck and neck for a while now She just does spots in LA at places that you would do four o'clock With a box behind you And everybody's really excited to be there. Oh my god. This is so exciting. You know I've done that show Huh? I've done that show on that show where you get there and there's like Two boxes and everybody's really excited and you're the only guy that gets on stage anywhere And they're like thank you for coming.

And then you get there and it's just people being cute and people there to support. Their friend. Yeah. Each table is for one comment. What are we doing here? This is coming. You know, that's, that's the route she took. And now she saw that everybody blew her by

and now we've been talking a lot lately about her going to austin maybe and you know like I said Dave you want to do comedy there's 10 spots of fucking in three days for you if you really want to do comedy if you go down there to hug you up with Joe Rogan, it's not gonna work out for you Unless you get I want you to put in your goals I'm gonna go down and do comedy and fucking become a killer then showcase for Rogan September 2025 that's the fucking thing But if you're going down there for salvation, there's no salvation down. There's too many killers down there right now too many killers and It's like crazy

when you start having to like making decisions Like I feel like there's a look because I know I know there's gonna be ups and downs But do you think it's possible like to? Make is it possible to make every right decision and have no down? No, no Do you think it's possible like to Make is it possible to make every right decision and have no down. Oh No, no If you made every decision right you wouldn't be doing this You have that's true. I hundred million in the bank

Going on fucking ten billion two weeks. So don't have are you fucking crazy Lee? I have so much anxiety about stuff like that. I wish I didn't just be funny You know the rules to be funny You sat in the room with the best comics in the world for seven years and they all Reiterated the same should I reiterate it? Yeah, what you have anxiety about? There's two words. Yes and no Okay, two words and no is no. Okay? Two words. And no is the strongest fucking word in the dictionary.

And as comics, we don't learn to say no. But it's almost too fucking late. Right. Because a part of a comic wants to be on stage every fucking day. If there's what you want to do while you're reading pussy, you're thinking about, I I gotta get out of this fucking Monkey and go do a spot right now Right. Okay, that's it. Just be funny. I

Don't know what bit you got no business. There's no business It's a couple yardsticks at a fucking third-rate comedy club. That's not business You just take it in you're gonna lose you're gonna make you're gonna lose you're gonna make it's just bad weeks That's why you keep a little gig It's not business. This is comedy still That's the business Okay, get to your home court, which is comedy and two words. Yes and no How is this gonna help me that's a decision on your own

But these weeks that you're putting together these weeks are They're no money Right, then I you know that it's gonna be getting and you're losing the first year Until you call me one thing. I can't do this no more stay out of there. Like I told you stick to this You know, this is the game plan You're not gonna make a bad mistake as long as you're getting on stage Okay, all these you're not calling CIA and telling them who the fuck you are

And you're not bothering the improvs and telling them who you are. You're fine Because the last I checked Aaron bontempo has been there 27 years and Shane going nowhere and she remembers every time you bumped Clubs you don't want to fuck with everything else Dickies hideaway who gives a fuck go there do the show and light it on fire The world will be that much fucking lighter at the end. You know, there's no I know this there's no business The business is be as funny as you can right now That's

Your phone's gonna ring and some of it's gonna be good and some of it's gonna be bad but no anxiety no stress you're not going anywhere. Look I mean I a little bit I'm starting I am getting booked. I know but you're not going anywhere So slow down Take your time breathe this is an anxiety This is every every comment goes through this And you have to navigate your way through on what's bullshit and what's not and the only way to figure it out is to do it and take the hit or You know, whatever sometimes you might lose 400, but you got a chick to sit on your face before nights

Is it really a loss? No You're doing what you want on your fucking terms Okay, I know I what do you want for one in America, your generation, everybody wants to put extra effort and extra stress on themselves. I've never seen America do this to themselves. I see this every day. People putting stress on themselves. That doesn't exist. There's no stress. Let's get what's the fucking square root of this stress on themselves that doesn't exist There's no stress Let's get what's the fucking square root of this career?

being funny What what are we talking about here? Being funny, right? Yeah, nobody gives a fuck about your stupid videos with your feather in the hats and nobody gives a fuck Kevin Hart's worth a half a billion fucking dollars and you want to put a picture up of you eating a lobster tail with a feather in Your hat. Let me know who the fucking idiot, you know, yeah Just be funny No costumes Who's gonna make you funny that hairdo is not gonna make you funny the blue shirt ain't gonna make you funnier

Well, if I get tattoos and drink on that ain't gonna make you funnier the blue shirt ain't gonna make you funnier Well, if I get tattoos and drink on that ain't gonna make you funnier No That's it Well, if I dye my hair with a Cherokee in the middle people will think no that don't think of what you are a fucking poser Trying to be a comic Just be a comic You don't need tattoos you don't need the gold chains you don't need to drink on stage and sip on a glass

Who's drinking tonight? You ever see those kind of who's party? Friday night who's not partying? right That's gibberish that does not I rather not say a word and come out there and suspend them. How you guys doing tonight? Who's drinking tonight? Whoo? if I hear a fucking woo at a comedy show I Don't want to hear who's that means you're a cheerleader, right? You know, let's support the truth whoo

Who's American whoo? Spanish people whoo. I don't want those whoo people leave them on CNN. You know I'm saying whoo whoo What the fuck is whoo? Would you say that to them now the shows what I don't want the well He's the data girl fucking five years everything was who shut the fuck up They move their hopefully show not the fucking stand-up comedy Whoo-hoo. Yeah, the fuck is wrong with people. I Had no idea. It's Tuesday morning motherfuckers taking a run. I'll see you next week cocksucker. Love you buddy. Love you stay black The check-in is brought to you by

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