Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Who orders popcorn at an adult movie theatre?

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Lee's trip to The Mothership, Joey's dream job in comedy, getting his start at the famous Comedy Works in Denver, how great it feels knowing you're not crazy, and much more! Support the show & get 20% off and free shipping with the code JOEY at https://www.manscaped.com Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ Onnit - for 10% off of Onnit's line of supplements go to Onnit.com and use code CHURCH The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's happened? Not much. How you doing? I think the worst Jewish thing happened to me today. What happened? I was depositing a check and the ATM ate it and it disappeared. So I had to go into the bank and call the bank. And now it's just a hope that it's in the ATM somewhere.

Who gave you the check? A comedy club. I can tell them to replace it. If it was like 300 bucks. Still, 300 is 300, you're Jewish. We want our paper, you know what I'm saying? I can see you lit a little light tonight for your 300 there. What do you mean?

The little Hamas light in the back. Oh. You got your little Hamas light. You're like trying to live like them in a little tent. I asked Joe, he said it looked good, man. It added to the background. I don't know. You don't like it? No, no, no. I love everything you do. I'm just saying. I don't know if you got a candle lit for.

I do for the 300 bucks. It's fucked up. Yeah, for the 300, for the small 300. Oh, it sucks. It sucks when they fuck with your money. It really does. And it's, you've never been broke. That's when they really torment you. That's when they really fuck with you.

Now I'm remembering you used to get pissed when you'd get paid by a check. Yeah, because I got a deposit and wait and they only want to give you 10 bucks out of the 500. Just give me the money. I don't have time for this shit. You're adding an extra two hours to the fucking gig. And for me, it was like a check to the hand for the first, you know, so I didn't have time to do all this dumb shit. You gotta pay me cash, you know? Did you tell clubs that?

Yeah, they knew. They knew when I took the draw. I'll just take draw you to death until there's nothing left and you got no choice. What cash? Oh my, so you would, and what would they say? I can't imagine going to a manager number Yeah, I need them when they need that in cash every week. I had the same story What's that not gonna believe this fucking lost my ATM card on the plane? God damn it

What the fuck am I gonna do and they go? Okay? What do you need? Every week I lost my ATM card. I didn't even have an ATM card. Didn't even have an ATM card. And I would tell the club manager, man, I lost my ATM card. And they would just give you cash, Jesus Christ. So let's say they give me 400 for the week.

I take 100 Thursday, 100 Friday, and 100 late Friday night night because I had to go shopping on Saturday. That meant that's code for my Coke dealers here. You're not shopping? And then you would have like 100 bucks left? And then you would just go, what am I going to give you a check for? I'll just give you the last 100. Could you do it more than once at a club? Like if you went back? Oh, I, I went to, I was in a club in Canada one night in Toronto. This had to be 97, 96, and I go to the 97, 98, and I go to the club.

It's called Hollywood something on the main street there in Toronto. I told you when I fucking, I don't know what I was getting. I wasn't getting any money. I was getting like 600 for the week and I had to do 12 shows and live at the guy's house who drove the strip hookers around at night. He would wake me up like at six. I got one that's got a discount you want.

Not really. It's only like a thing, a comic that could understand. Right. But you loved it. It was day to day. It was a day to day life, which I'm the king of. A lot of people can't live like that. Just day to day life.

And I remember going, I got there on a Tuesday night, I asked them for a hundred I went to the strip club. I blew it in five minutes. I came back and asked him for four 400 yeah, you were gonna be like negative like you're on the first day. I'm earning a hundred bucks a day I only had 100 left, but I was there for two weeks. So it was really 1200 So I just had to pace myself two of the days hundred left but I was there for two weeks so it was really twelve hundred so I just had to pace myself two of the days but you don't seem like a pace yourself kind of guy you know you gotta do what you got sometimes you're gonna

eat the free burger at the club you got to sacrifice a little bit oh yeah that's I'm very grateful that I don't have to at least now live like that we'll see what happens we'll see what happens We'll see if in a couple years it comes to that but I guess that's a new that's a level You'd be surprised how many comics Do it in the beginning like they just? There's a lot There's a lot of comics listen them a lot of young comics

lot. There's a lot of comics. Listen, man, a lot of young comics. In the beginning, I was going through other things, not addiction or anything. I was going through a divorce. And it's sad because I always made a little bit of money. You know, I didn't make a ton of money. I didn't have a Maserati. But I was always one of those guys that could squeeze something out every three weeks To get ahead, you know two thousand selling a car or something and Fucking comedy like just

I didn't know I never cared about anything when I was doing comedy The first four or five years. I just didn't care Like I don't have to worry about discover bill. Like, if I send it, I send it. If I don't, what do you want me to do? I'm trying to be a fucking renegade here. I'm trying to be a, you know, when you get into comedy, you're going against the tide of life. You don't believe in traditional type shit. If not, you would become traditional. You would go to college and join a frat

and fucking drink beer and then graduate and get a regular fucking job. You went to college and then had to tell your parents you wanted to become a fucking comedian. And these are the things people, some parents go fuck you, you do it, but you cut off Okay, I'll fucking do it. You know, it's different situations, but like I told you a long time ago Nobody drives up to an open mic with a Maserati

No, and they and if they do they're not staying there for a while. No, you know, so It went on for years with me man, you know like Feature-acting that's why I worked all the time. I needed that luxury income Yeah, I can't like I'm just I'm getting a hundred a show and I'm very grateful for it If usually like if I've worked for some cool people and they will give you a little bit extra sometimes and that's awesome but it's just I'm at a point where if I'm breaking even, it's like, this is a great week. Like it's, and I don't even, it's, I've just been lucky that I haven't,

like there's a comic I opened who did a show with me or two shows in Minnesota. I think his name is Aidan. He's been opening up for Dan Soder, but he lives in, he like rented a closet at a point. I did. It's, I wish. You figure it out. And it's sad that it comes, like I was living in a great little apartment in Boulder.

It was my little rocky apartment. And next thing you know, I was in a car. And it was fun, it was lonely. It was interesting. You learned about all these things because you're depending on yourself for everything as a comic. And then I worked with comics that had families, you know, and they would tell me how they had two more weeks on the road. And I would go, thank God, I don't have a family,

because I don't want to do that. I don't want to leave kids and a wife for three fucking weeks. And these guys weren't big time headliners. They were basically making the minimum the national minimum. And it's still better than a regular job, but after you add hotels and meals and you know, and a lot of comics, listen, man, I worked with comics that all they did was triple runs. Okay, that was their comedy career. And what do those pay? At that time, I

don't know what they do now. I don't even think he's still around. He's not. It was like around he's not it was like 175 no 150 and 75 for the feature And how many shows would you do in a run for five and you picked up half your pay? Oh no So you're making like 600 bucks 700 bucks as a headliner Yeah, and if you're a feature act and he's paying you 75 he's really paying you $50 and he's gonna mail you a check for 25

So when you get home you have a check for like $180 or something like that. Well, who would cover gas on those I would oh Shit. Yeah, because some but gas was fucking $2 dollars for two. I also got myself a Datsun I had you know 38 miles to the gallon. I knew that for the life I needed There was no way you were gonna get a big car Gotta cut all cost Everything you know to live that nomad life And I had a fucking Datsun with 100 or something thousand miles that you couldn't break it. And you know, who the fuck knows Lee, it was a different, I'm 61, I was, I was 31 years old, maybe 30, 32, 33 when that was going on. And I had nothing going on.

No family, no nothing. What a better way to look at the country. Oh, I know. And a great way to become a comic if you are just out. You know, having a family as a comic could be, and listen, you could be a comic with any situation if you're cut out for it and you're willing to put the work in But it's a little tougher with a family

It got so tough. It got all for me. I Didn't like I didn't like it anymore What part being away? Yeah Yeah being away even till now I go down to Austin Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Because there's no way I'm sitting in a way even till now I go down to Austin Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Because there's no way I'm sitting in a hotel Saturday day Okay, we're happening again

Interesting there's no way I've spent enough Saturdays in the hotel room So that way you're doing it when she's at school anyways, and then you'll be home for the games I'm home for life on the weekends. I really sacrifice I've been sacrificing my weekends 1970 fucking eight for drugs This swimming

It's not just kicked back jack. Let's get this party started motherfucker greetings. It's tuesday the 21st of may The check-in is brought to you by man escape Listen, if you haven't gotten dad a Father's Day gift yet Listen up. He's gonna love it Manscape has what the old man needs to get the job done and to trim up that neck beard With the beard hedger pro kit. Oh my God. The kit comes with a beard hedger, Manscaped's most advanced beard trimmer, as well as shampoo, conditioner, oil, and balm.

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Yeah, it's even fucking worse. So do yourself a favor This time just do a complete shipping. You know why because I'm gonna give you 20% off and free shipping by pressing code Joey J OE why at manscape.com that's 20% off and free shipping with code Joey at Manscape calm never forget where you came from guys you came from Papa's fucking nuts take care of him he invested in you now you got to invest in him Happy Father's Day for manscape and don't forget to shave that fucking nut sack See give mama a mouthful. You know I'm saying the check and is also brought to you by Blue chew who's better than you who's better number Joey on a Tuesday giving you a nut trimmer and blue chew

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the world that's what you got to be thinking So beautiful motherfucking Tuesday, what up dog? I'm good to see you dude. I'm doing great I didn't it is a little cold though, but it was nice today. It was like 75 days. It was very nice You just came back from Boston. Everything was sweating. Oh my god, dude People asked me if I was okay like multiple times. It was like 90 plus degrees and Like hot and humid and like I would just go for water like it was really one day like it looked like Saturday it was like fucking hot and I had to go buy shirts and it was just like some guys like

do you need water like no I'm okay I was just yeah fuck oh my god I don't know how people but Austin was great Austin was that was I've been on a few times And I've always had fun, but that was the best time. I would have tacos Very good. Very good. I but I took him back to the hotel but there were the one of the guys from the club was there and he told me do you Make it with like cheese dizzy put cheese down and crisp it up for you Me yeah, I don't fucking know. know yeah the one of the guys I'm sorry I don't I your name is escaping me right now but one of the guys from the club was at the

cart when I went up and he's like have him put cheese on the grill or thing first and then put the taco down and there's like a crispy cheese thing on oh I've seen that done but not there I'll ask when I'm there this week. Yeah, it was great It was a great time. I thank you you you and Theo and Joe invited me to go just see the mothership, which was awesome It was really close. It was it it felt like the store when we were there just like the energy there I haven't been back to the store, but it was just exciting. I got to see a bunch of people who, like Derek and Asan, who were door guys in like young comics at the store.

And then I got to see, I was so excited. I got to see Ron White. I've never seen him before. And I got to see him and it was just crazy as a comic to see like his entire 15 minutes just wove together and he had callbacks throughout jokes From back to the first joke and I don't think I pissed him off But I was I said in the green one was like that was amazing. Like it just looked so effortless He's like well been doing it 30 something years. It's not really effort. I would took some effort

I was like it I wasn't like like obviously it took work, but it was just, it flowed so smoothly and it was amazing to see. He's a master. Yeah. And I told you, you know, a long time ago that one of the best things I did for my career and for me was to go to the improv on Thursday nights. Just to watch a headliner.

I wouldn't even say hello. Just sit in the corner. Sometimes you got to watch a show. Sometimes you got to go outside of the realm and go pay for a ticket at this level. Anybody and just sit in the back. You don't need to go to the green room. You don't need to hang out.

You don't need to play checkers. No. It's really amazing what you learn and in your mind Force yourself To be an audience member For us so now you're learning It was it was a huge learning lesson like in that main room show I Still remember being like a bona fide open mic er and

Taking a bus to the comedy works on Friday To watch different headliners and I would leave there in awe and every week I would say I'm just gonna go rob somebody because I'll never get that good you know in your mind right see it you fold and you go I'll never get that good you know I got problems I got a fungi toenail I got a girlfriend like me I got credit issues you know I got to tax taxi You make up all the uses for yourself, but then you go you know what I'm gonna try my best

And it's really crazy when you see that I was thinking I paid to see Jerry Seinfeld Okay, I went with another comic open my girl and she drove and went to see and it was like my girl and she drove and went to see and it was like seeing a guy from TV in front of you that you've also seen on you know the young comedian special Rodney Dangerfield it was pretty impressive for me you know at the time and I saw what it took kind of shorter Like the whole thing took me I forgot where I saw him somewhere in Denver Maybe a small theater three thousand people or something But I remember feeling like wow This is real. I'll never get to this level

But it's pretty nice to come and watch from time to time. Oh, it's fast. At that time, my life was like, I could have been in prison tomorrow. I could have been in fucking Miami moving a kilo. It was so unwhatever that I never saw myself like that. But just know that that was there. At that point, were you like calling yourself a comic? I don't like that, but just know that that was there. At that point, were you like calling yourself a comic? Were you thinking you were gonna be a comedian or you were just loving it and were gonna see it?

This was probably the summer of 92, and I was probably doing comedy maybe 16 months. And that point you're like I'm gonna be a comic Yeah, but I didn't know where to start like I had already Taken the stand-up class I'd already got won a contest and I was already the house MC Which is pretty fucking good for you. Yeah, sounds like you know where to go but I Didn't have the balls to drive to Denver to get in the mix

Okay, okay. I'm not ashamed to say that by any means So I would do little gigs in Boulder And if somebody had a gig for me, you know, close by. Every time I went to Denver, I felt like somebody going to New York City. Yeah, come down and do a set, Lee.

And you get there and it's like, you get there at nine and they're like, your set's at 1.15 in the morning. And you're like, you're my friend. Why would you put me at 1.15? You know, but that's the racket. And you're like, you're my friend. Why would you put me at one place? But that's the racket. Yeah.

Well, how many nights I went to this one place, and he would put me up last. And I didn't have the chops to fucking pull it off last. And this is after three or four headliners. The second guy would put me up last. It's just people were miserable fucks, you know. So it wasn't until I came to New York in 93 and then I went back to Denver. I went to Denver this time, I played the big boy league. I said

enough of it. That's the other decision I made at that time. Which was what? The big boy league. I'm going out of the comedy at that time, which was what the big boy league? I'm going out of the comedy works I'm gonna show who the fuck I am on Tuesday nights And I had goals. I was gonna get into the comedy works. I Was gonna get on the open mic and then after a few weeks I was only start to get star spots and after a couple of those they make you a regular

So that's exactly what I did how long did that take 90 days to become a regular yeah but you did a lot of free spots star spots five minutes seven minutes that's like me driving 45 minutes there and 45 minutes back yeah but that's still kind of quick to get past a major club. But, let me see, I started really getting involved there in 94, right? And then they had a contest. Do you remember me telling you this?

They had a contest and I really did well. Like everybody was like, Joey's going to win this. And I won. But another kid was clean and he won. But then the comics called the next day and said he stole a bunch of Seinfeld jokes. I do remember that. So now the lady who ran the contest felt bad so she's like come on down and You know, I know the powers of be we're kind of holding you back because of what you are and who you are

But you come on So now she started giving me star spots. I was I'm lying to you. I was probably doing star spots for six months, maybe Okay, I know that's quite one a week to a week Wednesday and Thursday and Then you graduate to Friday early Then Saturday then Sunday It'd be fun if there were more clubs like that around the country Well at the time comedy works Denver was very smart I got a hand at the Wendy

if There's a job I want to do Listen I'm watching the trend of comedy. Mm-hmm and The ten the trend the comedy is with top heavy. And with bottom heavy, top heavy is we got a lot of headliners. And with bottom heavy, we got a lot of people getting into the business and you have that gray area, which is feature, co-headline, co-MC, you know, all those type of positions, right? Right These kids are running around

Like you know going to open mics and and and at times and ask me if I'm lying it feels like a dead-end street the life of Open mic or feels like a dead-end street. It feels like you're in a Am amusement fucking ride and you just got to get off, but you don't know how to get off it's like getting to LA years later and Trying to get an agent and they're like a man listen go book some projects and cry You're like, yeah That's what I'm coming to you for what the fuck that's why I'm here. So yeah, this whole life is a catch-fucking 22 you know, so

But they did something that I really appreciate and I thought of till today and I'm gonna tell you why Because it changed who I was At that process it took me off a certain road and it put me on and enlightened me to a bigger road. Okay. When I got back to Denver in 94, winter of 93, fucking is, hired Matt Woods. There's two Matt's, and that's why I get confused, there's Matt Berry and Matt Woods. Matt Berry ended up becoming a successful TV writer, fucking off the chains comics from Denver.

And Matt Woods was one of the writers for Roseanne early on. Well, came out of Denver, but Matt was a very great guy. And that was in charge of Tuesday nights before the open mic, the open mic started at eight. At six, you met Matt and you went over the material you were gonna go on stage that night there was only eight comics a week, you know So he had time You had time to talk to him and This was like the eight comics were gonna be on the open mic that week. Yeah, okay

And he talked to him and as he saw them progress he dropped a dime for them Lee call this guy in South Jersey Tell him you want to come down for a weekend. He'll know when you call, you know, it's not big money but I got work for you and I Could do Matt's class in the summer But I couldn't do Matt's in the winter so Matt felt

Because I did the sports better spending. Yeah, and I would get out of that six by the time I got to Denver It would be 730. I Couldn't get the mats and so Matt felt a little like What the fuck you throwing me through the walls? that's why he got in my face the one night and said I could be a fucking superstar. And if I just did things right, he goes, you're showing up with a fucking white T-shirt

with fucking burn marks in it and you're killing. He got, what are you crazy? He goes, you gotta polish your shoes and you gotta take this more serious, you gotta show up to the writing workshop. That's what they call them, writing workshop. So those eight comics got to prepare their open mic with a professional who had been on the road, who had fucking hung out with Roseanne all those years.

And he's one of the many great writers from Denver the Denver comedy scene has a Fucking great comedy writers. They write they still write for people, you know so That really helped me Now you got and I'm not gonna say got lucky like it sounds like he was a great comic But my question for like these other classes is like if so if I was a new comic looking to take a class Would you trust a comic who's teaching it? No, like are you gonna get bad? I'm not gonna fucking first of all

You have to get into that rotation at the comedy works and that's tough enough You're just not showing up to the comedy works at that time with a fucking flute And saying I want to do your open mic. Oh, no. Yeah, it sounds like it was booked which is it was like it was like ten people at like three minutes and Out of those ten people she'd tell like two to come back It was like any you know It was like any other play and then after you got so she had already had an open mic scene in there What I mean Mike scene was a lower end and guys doing star spots

It's just cool to have a because that's when you were saying like what it feels like to be a feature and Stuff and an open mic er. There's no I'm lucky to have you and everyone to because I like I can You guys give me a path a little bit as an open mic or it feels like I'm standing somewhere and there's a million paths There's almost no way to really know how to do it both those clubs like that have those like you get past. It's really cool Yes, and you know everybody has local listen everybody has local clubs and headliners coming on the weekends some of them are regular general headliners and Some of them are Burke Reicher and Tom Segura and you know But not a lot of clubs could afford that every week that that action so they have different types of headline

Liners but back to what we were talking about That really helped my fucking career a lot Getting past No of having that guy For about eight months talk to you on a Tuesday And then when you got on stage when you got off stage, he spoke to you some more Not in the fucking and not an egotistical way. He was like Lee. I want you to turn on the energy Get rid of that fucking joke. Are you crazy? And he would talk to you like that and

That and And he would talk to you like that. And then, what was it like, did you try the next week and then like usually work or like how would you progress throughout those eight weeks? I would see him like every other week, you know? A lot of open micers, so. And then the more you show up, you move up. And I was moving up. And by that time, I don't know where he was.

I think I wasn't allowed in this class anymore. We weren't enemies or anything. He just I moved on now. I'm doing star spots, you know Right, right. Is that what you you were saying? There's a job you want and that's like what you'd want to do Something like that tuesday nights at a nice club Talking to you know, but I listen dirty guys with long hair that are going to ask me about Joe Rogan. I'll stab you in the neck.

What I think it is, and that's where the problem lies today that nobody wants to go with the nuts and bolts. Would you like would it be something where you have people auditioned? Did it did get in now? I'll just watch you Okay on Tuesday nights. He was going on Close out the room not say anything Very cool

That'd be awesome Watch a comic once as a fucking comic and as a fucking whatever a consumer You're not gonna watch a comic once and having an accurate assessment How many times you have to see them? Five six and that's in a weekend. Listen, I remember when I was on the road heavy duty and I had people watching me

The same there was a handful of people would be there the first night And a handful of people would be there the third night to see what I became by Saturday night right Okay Matt's job was to watch you weekly So he wasn't gonna say nothing to you for five weeks six weeks you'd be coming in and I'm like talking to

Paluso and Sam Tripoli and one day you're gonna come up to me. Hi, my name is Lee Have you watched my sense and I go? Yeah, you have a minute and I'm gonna sit you down and go I saw you February 8th. I saw you March 9th. I saw you March 29th I'm gonna have six sets that I saw you and I'm gonna go, you know, what's wrong with this joke? You gotta be more assertive here Get rid of this they already know by watching you know, you're fat. Why are you gonna remind them? That's a waste of a line They already know by watching you know your fat. Why are you gonna remind them? That's a waste of a line They see it. You know all these things and it'd be like Wow

Wow, like I thought he was like a fucking magician at the time Because of the way he saw how your writing worked Yeah, he watched you for six weeks before he came up to you busted your balls. I Don't need you to fucking see me When you have three cocktails in me and come up to me and I just watch your set. I think I shut the fuck up You're not gonna judge me by one set. I'm not gonna judge anybody one set. I'm gonna judge you by six or seven sets And if it's weekly and we see each other, I'm gonna judge the type of guy not judge I'm gonna see the type of comic you are if you're right Let's see who real let's see who's real who's showing up here every Tuesday with six minutes. Oh

Six brand new minutes six brand new minutes every week who's gonna show up here on Tuesday With six minutes, you know, all those things were very interesting to me Yeah, that's why it like It's an interesting thing to think about you wouldn't because it seems like it'd be kind of cool to have someone like what you have Those same people come back every week to like Devise them. What do you want to develop people? Well, whatever club I'm working with would have right make their people and yeah, I would love to talk to them, you know Even like go leave give me that joke to perform tonight. Let me show you how to deliver that joke like he would do that

He would do your joke for you for you and show you the deliver Fuck You want and he just listen man. He was a third 25 year veteran And I banged heads with him once in a while and then I stopped Because eight out of ten times he was right Like I was a cash register then right not a cash register a fucking bird that would just constantly talk Oh really he would go. What are you doing? You're not giving them a chance to even breathe or think about what you're fucking saying to her

Oh, you were just steamrolling your jokes is bam bam. Bam. He had the same writing as You were just steamrolling your jokes is bam bam bam. He had the same writing as David chase in what way? Lee you're just gonna stand there and let that bird shit on your shoe No way you're gonna hit me with a reaction like, what do you want me to do? Yeah. I'm high and he shit on my shoe. No. That he wants the audience to fucking really live.

Lee, what the fuck? You got a little bird shit on your shoe? He's not gonna want you to say anything. He's gonna want you to look out into the horizon like, it's got a point. That's a different sense of humor than causing an argument. Fuck you. Right. You came up, you know, I fell out of your garbage truck.

Whatever. But after a minute, you're gonna laugh at that joke because he got you. Right. Okay. He's gonna look up and go like, you know. So his style of writing There you go cocksucker how many edibles G

Look at you Look at he's choking give him the hemlock maneuver. Look at him. Give him the high You have one I had one of the ABX's I laughed I laughed when I was drinking I Had a hide one of the ABX's Yeah, one of those ABX's Yeah, one of those ABX's Yeah, oh my god Well, why you fucking get back? Let me go read a little ad for on it real quick. All right I'll be back people

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I'd sleep for like 12 hours. You understand me tremendous. But listen, don't take it from me Go to honor comm right now. If you find something you like get an additional 10% put in church Ch you are ch it starts with you you bad motherfuckers have a happy Memorial Day boom We're back bitches anyway Even though I know it's coming it still scares me sometimes Sometimes anyway A lot is going on a lot is going on fucking uh

They blew up iran's fucking president the helicopter. Did they blow him up? Did that? I don't fucking know I'm now they're pointing fingers who the fuck knows how so hopefully you guys will be seeing this podcast tomorrow If you wake up little fucking stars outside your window, but fucking alcohol in your ears or whatever tincture like the Russians. Oh You got fucking Poor Diddy is done, you know the table out of him fucking Doing an MMA move on it. He just you cannot do you know Pretty soon when they schedule a pay-per-view Fucking thing is they gonna put up are you into excitement? He comes running out with his towel like a fucking savage

Could you I'm just still shocked that like the video just came out like no someone like I don't know how that stuff works did he paid to hide it and the Fucking dude we sold it to the highest better now when things got worse Did he made that apology tape and at the end he's like man? I Gave you a half a mil. Look how you did a brother and shit. I thought that shit was burnt in your fireplace Never that's That is crazy stuff and like I can't imagine like I wonder if the hotel's gonna get in a lot of trouble Listen man, you know, like I said la is uh, la is what it is La is what it is I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm any of it. I don't think at least since I'm a kid, I don't like going anywhere. Really fucking weird or anything. Like I've been to a couple of coke things that got weird. I just left. I stole the coke and left. I took the coke to go. You know what I'm saying? Like there was a lot of those nights, but I don't like any of that shit. When you do it, you're paranoid enough. The

cops are going gonna come. I got two felonies, this guy wants to pull ahead. I don't need this shit. You know what I'm saying? I don't need this shit. So you would just leave? Leave and not get involved. Leave and just go fuck it.

I got a gram of coke in my pocket. Why I need to go hang out with these fucking dead beats. I wanna talk about something today with you. I'll talk. Everybody has issues to some part. Like I know at times after the pandemic, I had some mental health issues. You feel them, you know, you don't have control.

And we all have certain issues. One of the biggest issues I you feel them, you know, you don't have control. And we all have certain issues. One of the biggest issues I've ever had is this times. I think I'm fucking crazy. Okay, situation happens. Something happens. Usually it's something emotional in my life. I react to it and what I thought at the time was not the best way to react to it. But then I wait for the reaction and I react to that, but nothing ever happened. So I just didn't say nothing, but then I think about it and I double check and I'm like, what am I fucking crazy for doing that and then something will happen That'll justify that I'm not fucking crazy. Okay, you know We've been here four years

When we got here You know we got here in fucking August We were talking to different people and they said put her in softball girls softball So we signed her up the first year was okay. You know we got involved. I why were you that type of shit then the second season we got more involved and We had a good coach Then the second season we got more involved and we had a good coach. Then the second season it got a little weird and we started playing travel or something and there was just one

coach that would always fucking show up when he wanted to, you know, and with his kid Practice is always like are they coming up and then game is always like 50-50, you know If they would even show up. Yeah, if they'd even show up And we have like a double-headed one weekend and on the way home somebody goes Yeah, we would have won that game with that kid would have showed up. She's a great player, the daughter. Real cute kid. So I think I asked my wife, I go, where was she? And my wife's like, uh-huh. She just didn't show no call.

So I just felt really bad, you know and in my mind I was gonna pull you overly you know, can I talk to you for a minute? You know, I don't know what's going on but these girls have a team. It's like the third game you missed that we could have won, you know, and that's all I was gonna keep it very civil. Okay. You know, man to's all I was going to keep it very civil. Okay. You know, man to man with Jersey guys, I see him after like a week. It's a nighttime practice.

And I go up to him and I go, Hey man, can I talk to you for five minutes? And he looks at me and he goes, I'll check my schedule and get back to you. Now at this time he had been, he had, he was a girl's coach and he had gotten beat up in freehold had a little league. One of the, he got, he got cute. One of the women coaches, you went and got a husband and they had him in a headlock and shit and people felt bad for him. Do you know this already? I knew he got into a headlock.

Okay. The busters balls when they go what happened you? Take karate as a kid to get you the fuck of that much Nothing happened to me those are just rumors, but the parents were like His hair was all fucked up. They hit him with his hat So fuck in this bum We all get together and go to a Yankee game and take the girls and we pay for tickets for them to go on the field Well, he don't for a ticket, right? He doesn't he brings his daughter pays for a ticket for her but he also brings his son and when we get the Yankee Stadium it's time to go back

there and one of the coaches and his kid was running late this motherfucker was like nah put my son in there fuck them and I'm watching this going no thank you no I didn't say a word I'm just a guy this guy is his own assistant He's trying to dog him cuz he's not here and finally the dude showed up and he kept saying I should have gotten the ticket Well, I shut the fuck up bitch And that is when I went off on at the field. I know you did. Yeah, I went up to him and I go, do you think I could speak to you for a minute? He goes, I'll put it into my agenda right there. I saw why the chick beat him up. I saw, you

know, I saw everything. And I'm like, listen, you fucking scumbag. We're part of a fucking team here, cocksucker. When I called him cocksucker, he would nail in every direction. Do you understand me? Now this is not a guy that goes, I'm sorry, listen, can we talk about? He grabbed this kid and he ran off the field the other direction. No, he didn't.

Yes, he does. Like we all park over here, he takes the long route. But he knew he was gonna get lit up. And he's part of these other two or three coaches that like my daughter play on the team And the coach told me if you don't want to fuck in and if you don't like it leave Because he fucked up, you know So it was like it's perfect. I don't have to deal with these people ever again they're a bunch of flat-footed motherfuckers anyway, right and

So this last weekend I was at my daughter's game, and one of the moms was like, do you hear what happened to my fucking Adam? She was telling another mom, and I'm sitting there going, I know that dude. And all of a sudden, you're like, yeah, Coach Ed fucking went off on him. Coach Ed's a good fucking old Irish dude. He looks Irish, like one of those old pugs

wait he's a not not pugs uh a dog like pugs like a boxer oh okay got that real traditional sweetheart of a guy coached my daughter for a year she still loves him all the moms love him he's got a daughter but my man went off on him Saturday told me he was a horrible coach and blah blah blah blah blah Fucking tremendous. I was so happy Saturday when I heard that because I realized I'm not fucking crazy That's alright. That's the moral of fucking story. How good did that feel to not be crazy? tremendous How good does that feel to not be crazy? Tremendous. Tremendous.

Well, I'm eating 1200 milligrams like today. And I'm like, I'm not crazy. Do you ever like, you know, check in with them, like how you doing? Well, with whoever, whatever coach you didn't like. Why? I don't know. Just to be like, I told you.

They're fucking lies. You know, they never even play football. They're fucking lies. Why would I? There's no reason to even talk to those people. You move on and you meet better people. I heard Mercy hit a home run. A tremendous home run.

That's crazy. Listen, man, like I said, I don't push her I Go out there and I watch it jump up and down with her girls and they sing and dance If you know anything where I came from up front, it's a complete different world that I had And I'm very fucking happy to see you ready You know Friday night I had her What happened something happened Friday night? And I had it for a little while I was gonna go see Kim condom at the

Dodger and about quarter seven my wife's like listen to you mine. I don't It's too late now, you know So we went somewhere we went to Freehold to do something and we went to Dix. And then we went somewhere else, like to Smoothie King. Oh, nice. We went from Smoothie King, we go over there, we sit. I told, it's like Starbucks with smoothies.

That's all this is, Starbucks with smoothies. But nobody hangs out there. They got a great little hang that nobody comes in Over place and a dollar a slice place ain't nobody going in there who drinks that boba shit. I hate it What is that shit? It's tapioca pearls. I think I'm almost positive It's like it's like little like jelly things. But it's like tea and they put flavors. People come out of that, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, What do you, like what, do you wanna hang out with people at the shop? Like why are you upset they don't have a place to hang out? Where? You just said like at the smoothie king, they don't have a place to hang out.

Like what do you wanna hang out there for? Just go home. No, no, no, listen. I don't need a type of fucking mukeyak that opens my computer and makes believe I'm Johnny intellectual. Never. We used to fucking tear up Marie T.C. from right here.

That was fun. Oh yeah. I used to go down there. I miss that place. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed.

I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. I don't smoke weed. Torture oh My god liquor store buy a pack of cigarettes Make believe I'm smoking the last one Right by the end. Yeah right there, and I think that's Colfax. No Canyon. Yeah Canyon I think it's Colfax and

God damn it Not Laurel Canyon, maybe cold water yeah the, the other the other way the other way I mean it was great And had a great breakfast In jeopardy here all I know is I used to sit in that table be like 10 o'clock and they'd be back from yoga They put the Mexican nannies and the other table in the back like fucking black people on the bus and they'd sit like in the third table And I go I don't like how they treat the Mexican nannies and I would fucking start smoking on the back like fucking black people on the bus and they'd sit like in the third table. And I go, I don't like how they treat the Mexican nannies. And I would fucking start smoking. They'd be out there with ugly titties

fucking feeding those big headed kids. Tremendous. And they'd be looking around who's smoking. I'd be sitting there smoking a cigarette. They'd go in and run and get the Arab owner. Remember he was a great guy. Oh, yeah, you own it It's crazy. It was a great place, but no employees ever lasted that Why was that an LA thing or that place? Oh, he was very he was known for fucking just being a

Like I don't think the fucking Mexicans are they're making breakfast no more. Oh No at this point, you know and that breakfast one that that was a breakfast used to get mad at me for getting to go That's how good it was. I would get it to go. I would call that lived right down the street I lived right down the street potatoes With a hundred grain bread the nine grain bread. Oh my god. That shit was good with two eggs and I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm

going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. I'm going to go to the restaurant. Crispy Jack Extremely well done What's that extremely? That was that was the best bacon that I've ever had though

Fucking crazy Dude, I I want to I don't know. I don't think this is gross, but in Texas you have to give your ID Like if you want to go look like watch porn online online you have to like submit your actual ID to them Would you ever do that? First off I wouldn't watch porn online. All right. I'm 61 years old I'm gonna go on memory you submitting an ID or even Thinking of that shit is disgustingly. I didn't do it End up like P. Diddy in a hotel.

But whacking yourself off and then fucking hearing somebody walk creep by and you gotta go there and grab them and fucking, you know, behave yourself, please. So did you give him the ID? No, never. I would never do that. Did you give him a fake ID?

No, I just didn't do it. What kind of ID? You gotta give him a state ID? Like a driver ID? No, I just didn't do it. What kind of ID? You got to give them a state ID like a driver? Yeah, you got to give them, you got to log in with everything, take a picture of it, I think. You have to do like, and it's only, it's like,

I had that happen in Virginia too, but I was like, I can't imagine. They must be opening porn. I talked to people, there's like actually selling DVD porn now because you can't, no one's going to do that. I wouldn't give my ID for porn certain states You mean yeah, there's like certain laws about like like I think it's probably from a good place like verifying age of something

But it's like you just can't watch porn because I'm not doing that. I Don't know Lee and I want to link to my shit like People felt like when we were in Sacramento with that comedian the really crazy guy and he was telling you about some book a website Right. Yeah, you know when I go to my room, I'm dying to go on one of those things to see Just to see but I know that's gonna go into my computer fucking thing and I'm gonna start getting ads for fucking freaks Like I don't there's no way There's no I'm at I'm at a point now of such peace that I don't want no drama at all I don't want no drama with Google

Fucking YouTube I don't no problems with nobody. I just want to wrap this up like a gentleman and move on to the next chapter of my life. So I don't know. I told you, man, as disgusting as a human being as I am, there's a lot of things with a line draws. And that's porn.

Like, I don't know. I just, since a kid, I wasn't, listen, you want to show up in my house and whack yourself off with a Coke rock? I'm all in. But for me to sit there and f**k my computer and dangle my nutsack, I just, or even like a TV screen, like when I was young, to put porn on, I can't imagine me sitting there and banging it out and somebody Got a sticky hand on a fucking guilty face, you know saying I don't need that shit and it's been that way your whole life Very Something really interesting happened a couple weeks ago. One of my dear friends on Twitter who I think fucking highly of

She's a doctor. I fucking love her. She's Fucking beautiful. She's married Her dad, you know, like they came to my shows, you know, I just love her. She came to the store She's a fucking knockout, you know but She's always been a professional I mean she's a top notch fucking you know, she's always been a professional. I mean, she's a top notch fucking, you know, she's the real deal. And but when she's off work, she gets down, you know, she'll fly to Miami and fucking, you know, smoked dope.

She's just one of us crazy. So I think she went to South not South Beach Key West with a husband okay after all these years that we've been friends I gotta be honest here she put a picture up I was like okay look at her I get it women want to show what they got right I'm like I get it and then like two days later she posted a picture of backside she goes this is what happens when you fall asleep on the beach it took my breath away Lee I hit her up on Twitter and I'm like amen here's the deal you're the last hope I have you can't put that ass up you know

at the end of the day I I talk a lot of shit, but I'm a Catholic fucking prude. And she hit me back giggling. She goes, I knew. And she took it down. It's miracle. Dog, if you want to lick my nuts, if you want me to come over and light your pussy on fire

in the old days doing coke. And I love all that craziness, but I'm not gonna fucking and Lee I tried it. I'm like listen. I'm a I When I was a kid, I'm gonna like a porn festival here and like some creepy part of Jersey and you get there And they know festival. It's just eight guys with long jacket fucking Yeah, every time we go to the bathroom There's no like I would go on Sunday nights with my three of my high school friends I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, when they're giggling like little. And they would have porn conventions?

No, there was not porn convention. I'm sorry to say it that way. Like a group viewing? No, on Sunday night there was a movie theater. Okay. I'm crazy part of Jersey. Sunday is like nine to 12, but they just showed porn. Oh, shit. And you went down there and the movie smell weird, but they just showed porn. Oh, shit.

And you went down there and the movie smell weird, you had to walk upstairs. There was a guy playing the piano with an eye patch, you know, the whole fucking thing. And you're like, oh boy. Yeah. And then you walk. Were people jerking off there?

Well, once you, I didn't know about this shit. And once you sit on the floor, once you sit down and you notice that your feet Is sticky? Move your feet that goes No matter what you got so, you know that people been whacking off in this day, this is 1920 In fact, it was like anything else, you know you once the lights go off you hear a little ghost The whole fucking thing

little ghost the whole fucking thing so and the piano so I thought it was like you know these guys were like animals these guys I grew up with and like three of us would go and they would turn you know like five of us like I realized he gonna go you go to the bathroom like I got popcorn and I went inside I Went inside I don't know if I should be eating this butter. I Wash my hands I Can See one of those guys putting a hole at the bottom of the popcorn and put this dick in it

And then when you go to take a piece of popcorn I can see one of those guys putting a hole at the bottom of the popcorn and putting his dick in it And then when you go to take a piece of popcorn his little helmets that shit With some type of weird, you know at the time it was 1982. It couldn't be a juice. That wasn't around then You know I'm saying like What? Like, what? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? anything but I realized Like it was like a fucking it was like being in the shining like you had a walk like 20 yards And it wasn't like a regular theater where you're walking past. This is the only movie that was showing right? The woman's bad like a theater six, but it was a long walk It's not like people hanging out in the hallway, right? Yeah, it's all like Frozen's playing in 10 minutes. No, it's like. It's not like people hanging out in the hallways, right? Right, I hope, oh God.

You're walking, you're by yourself. And when you go in the bathroom, as soon as you walk in the bathroom and you look, it was like two shitters, like four urinals, and they're all empty. Listen, they could be empty, like you know how you look in the mirror and see how you look, and then you walk over. One time, you take your dick out over the urinal, two guys just mysteriously pop next to you. Oh no. You're like, I didn't walk past you motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying?

Like I was gonna walk past you, I would walk together with you. Holy shit. You guys walking two feet behind me, timing wise. But my dick ain't even out of my hands. And all of a sudden two guys will pop here. Hi, excuse me. Do you come here on Sunday nights?

No. I usually stay home and watch Lawrence. Well the fuck Would they try anything or no now they would just go on there see if they could look at your dick or see what type of young guy you were if you're gonna say suck my dick play like Donnie Wahlberg and guy you were if you're gonna say suck my dick play like Donnie Wahlberg and Markie Wahlberg and boogie nights when he goes to the valley and the guy gives a small tent to give him a handjob and shit His dick won't get hard. You know how these people are they're fucking Don't use What's it just a porn theater or was it because you said it was like one at a week in a week

They did something like old movies, you know Oh, this was who would go there any other day besides the park because they can't clean it that now can you imagine going to see a movie there on Wednesday? Yeah Mickey Mouse for your kids and little ghost move. Holy shit I wouldn't go there at all. That's what you call them, sperm ghosts. They don't come to life, they're like a half-fucking, you know, they would kill them in Texas, in other words.

Yeah. Pfft. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You just caught that one, didn't you? I did. They don't let you oh my god um speaking I so you excited to go what excited to go to Austin like I told you

for the last fucking year I don't like leaving my girls I don't like leaving my lifestyle you know I'm very fucking kiss. I say You know, I thought that about you but But I Gotta be honest with you. I Gotta go down and do some comedy and we'll see Theo Musi Duncan and do some comedy. I'm gonna see Theo. I'm gonna see Duncan.

I'm gonna do Theo's podcast. I'm gonna eat some tacos, some barbecue. Nice. Light exercise, gonna be heavy humidity. I'll go to the gym, ride the bike, lift some life weights, get some good sleep sleep and I'm back here for Labor Day That's I look at it as a comedy camp It was so cool. Yeah, I got 14. I counted them. I got 14 ideas For jokes, yeah

And it's so cool like it's great that it's so convenient and there's so many clubs like even I went to Red Vans Club And that was awesome. That was really cool. The staff at Red Vans is phenomenal. It's a sunset. Oh The Sun yeah, that's the sunset. I believe it's a sunset room sunset room He's great to staff the manager the females great the head of security is fucking great. They got tacos there for us That's a great late-night room on Thursday night. I think He has it on Thursday night, but he is he has shows every night There's burlesque there. They spin around the pole and some guy plays the violin And they're very games and I know you'd love that. What what's that they have video games in the green room, too

All right, so I did you have a good time you put a little hat with the umbrella in it Fucking zip around the room. I wasn't there for long enough, but it was awesome like I told you Lee I Didn't give up on being a I gave up being a touring comic, but I had to figure it out. It took me a while to figure out what I liked about it. And I'm doing everything I like about it now. That's awesome. This is the same process as before. Driving, smoking dope, the thing that's helping me

now at this age is that I finally lead After all the years after you know me, I'm writing shit down Well, what are you writing down that you weren't writing down before Everything that you were writing down everything before thousand thoughts. I would go through you in a day that we made nothing of those jokes Oh, yeah, okay a Stenographer in the fucking room. All right, the court guy just taping everything every little thing and going you said this today This is what goes on the next fucking 30 minutes, right? I gave all that shit away years ago. I was too high Think about it. Yeah, I'm sure.

This material we came off of off the hip by doing the podcast, like I said to you, once you're in the cycle of comedy writing, that's the best cycle to get into. It's just figuring out your limitations, getting enough sets during the week to give you a reason. You know, that's

why I like that Tuesday set. Right. You've been sitting on your ass all day Sunday watching football. Maybe you were too tired to go out Sunday night. You're on the road. All day Sunday, you've been thinking about that retarded cousin that came over and kept fucking Spilling the chips And then you know, you're writing all these little it doesn't mean for a guy like me

I'm gonna lose and this is great advice for young comedians because you have to figure out what works for you If you're gonna sit there with a pen licking it It's not gonna work for you. I mean, I don't know if he's doing anymore. Gary Goldman, I remember when he was doing the writing tips on Twitter during the pandemic. I do remember that. Wrote the special, he had some great stuff on there.

I'm gonna have to look for those. Don't, I fucking, you know, who am I? I would look at his stuff and One thing I learned during the pandemic. I remember well during the pandemic. I was fucked up But one day I remember is I couldn't write for long periods of time What would happen my back hurts I get bored I start thinking of you know, you're smoking dope So one minute you're thinking about fucking a joke and next minute you think about Jupiter You know, you're smoking dope. So one minute you're thinking about fucking a joke, the next minute you're thinking about Jupiter. And you know, Venus and the tunnel of love.

I don't fucking know, but this is better for me. I get it. Last night I was at a kid's birthday party and I got there and I saw a woman come in. Lee, there was some 20 people in the room. She gave out three hugs and went right to the fucking table. Okay. And I mean, she was eating everything.

There was 20 dishes on the table. This woman was fucking eating everything. Nice. She didn't stop for about 18 minutes from one end to the other one. I'm like looking at her, not judging her, but going this woman, she's eating like she just left the Weight Watchers meeting.

So I wrote that down. That's funny. Cause after the weigh-in on a Sunday, you run out of there. Me and Rick Rayden was to go to write the internet For your cheat meal. Yeah for our cheat meal, but it was a cheat me It was a single we split an order of fries and we drinking tight soda. I Mean we really stuck to it but bought dog from weight watches to in and out we would do like it'd be like three minutes. I Do like fucking 90 miles an hour.

Oh, of course. I was cutting people off, jumping over cars, you know. So it's funny. Like, she was running out of there. Like, she just left the weight watch. She's mean. And every time I see it, she's a fucking savage. Like, when desserts come, she'll eat everything

on that one piece of everything. While she of everything while she's eating the other one It's fucking interesting to see now, you know, I go to the gym Because that's what will happen in Jersey dog. You get big. Oh Oh, yeah, there's every time I come there It's like they you take me all have been meaning to take you here for three years and it's like the best place I've ever been That's a hot dog place I've ever been That's a hot dog place. No, I was thinking about those hot dogs today People say to me how you don't go up my friend of mine keeps calling me. What do we go? I don't want to go lunch. I

Go meet me at Starbucks. I Met him at Starbucks. We had a chat soon as I walked and he goes Dog you lost weight I go because I don't meet you for lunch anymore right I go cuz I don't meet you for lunch anymore right Smart every time I met this guy it was bread and salads and cheese and fucking meat and a steak And he's a big-time jujitsu guy and a lifter it was you know, it's too much. I can't I don't even want to sit down for lunch With anybody no more. I don't have that type of time And add on I don't have that type of time And that's on I don't have that type of time You know, that's the first time I went to carve out when you guys came two weeks ago

But I drive by that three times a week when I go to jiu-jitsu. That's my neighborhood up there the 520 Is that like a rule you say for yourself 516? Is that like a rule you suffer yourself yourself 516? Is that like a rule you set for yourself like you only go and like someone comes up I Go to listen man. If I went to Carvel every time I wanted to Right, it wouldn't be good And if I went and got a slice of pizza every time I wanted to it wouldn't be good And if I went today, I went to meet my brother He goes to a bar for lunch that I fucking love, yesterday's.

I get the chicken rice soup with croutons. And I get, today I got the fucking sausage, pepper, and potato sandwich, the lunch special for $8.99. Nice. Holy fuckly. Holy fuck. I thought it was just going gonna be a piece of sausage on a piece of bun.

Nah, they burnt the bun perfectly. And it was that lunch special, 8.99. Cheeseburger, turkey burger, hot dogs, grilled cheese, tuna wrap for you fucking people like your wraps. You know, shit like that. They try, it's a bar. You go in there and you got a beer and a fucking tuna sandwich. I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go to the bar and I'm gonna go Oh shit nice beautiful. So that's why we go down there and we say hello So I go down there with my brother is fucking great But yeah, this is awesome. You know, there would be an aspect of comedy. I would fall in love it. I Know I can't write for people

Right can't punch up even though I'd be one of the best punch-up guys You ever had on your set? It's a waste of time. Why somebody never had me in punch-up And what is that? Punch-up is when you give me a script and I punch it up like make it funny I'd rather do this put me on the set when you shoot I'll punch that motherfucker up right there when I get the full patois What's on what shirt he's wearing? What had he's wearing? That's when we get the full patois, what's on, what shirt he's wearing, what hat he's wearing, that's when we get the full patois on a script, I can't really see it, you know?

That's interesting. Yeah, but my favorite aspect of comedy, was in the beginning it was going on the road. It's awesome. And it was really great because I got to live my life for the first time my life. I got to live my addiction out with nobody overlooking my shoulder, but myself.

I bumped into all that crazy sexual stuff. I wanted to like, you know, every once in a while in the town something got ugly. You bumped into it. Oh my goodness. You know, and I live like a nomad and that's fun for a while. And then I thought I was gonna do that forever, but I ended up in LA and Seattle, things got serious

and here we are. But today that's what I miss the most. Is the writing and going up. The writing and going up. Tuesday, Thursday, I'm good. Now I got something to write for all weekend. And whenever I put up Tuesday, it don't work, I try Thursday. And it gets refined again and

then you put it together in the following week then you start all over again it's awesome you're enjoying the process at least I'm enjoying so this is day camp for me I'll go tomorrow I'll do Brian Simpson show that's like stealing that's a mental exercise they give you a sheet of paper and you gotta talk about the subject on the paper. I think it's like bottom of the barrel or something. Bottom of the barrel. And then jump. Right from there, you go to Joe's show at 7. Right from there, you do the 10 o'clock show. And if you wanna jump on the little room, you

jump in there. That's four sets. That's three. Yeah. That's four sets. That's three. Yeah Wednesday you do joes you do fucking Whatever and then you do. Uh, I think it's Christina and friends And then thursday you do joes at seven you do fucking tony's and I get on the plane I come home And that'll that like replaces what how long would that take you to do that many sets here a week and a half and 10,000 miles anyway

Yeah, so I'll do it with the best comics and yeah, and here's the beauty of it It's tough to focus here Mm-hmm This lifestyle is different. It's not LA when I got the back room and I'm writing and life is going on over there. I'm part of this now. So it's very hard to, you know, fucking, but when I'm there, all I'm thinking about is stand up. Right. I can't wait to get to the club because I've been in the hotel room since 430 ready to stab a motherfucker Okay, seven o'clock means I gotta be there in the quarter to seven So it's fucking perfect. It's like a summer camp, but unfortunately

We'll check Can you check Austin weather for the week the next few days? Let me see what's going on there? Let's find out it was hot, but in there was rain one day Jacob missed the Thursday night shows It says hot but this is cloudy to me And just as cloudy to me. What's the temperature cocksuck and the humidity come on? Oh, it's a success of heat Today is gonna be 93 one day's gonna be 92 But you can't suck on the humidity come on. Oh, it's an excessive heat Today is gonna be 93 Wednesday's gonna be 92 Thursday's gonna be 91 Friday will be 96. Oh and next week it gets bad next week Friday Saturday Sunday

It's gonna be like 97 Monday. It's gonna rain and be 96. So you're you'll get out of there before that though I'm gonna bring a bunch of that stuff that you rub on you And you don't sweat Do you run yeah the nonstick and put it on brain went to the red light therapy my stomach almost blew up No beads come on Lumen Okay. Yeah. Yeah, That shit is fucking great, man. That's awesome. Yeah, because you'll be sweating a lot.

I've got a pair of sneakers that smell like ten dead billy goats. I mean, every time, just when you put your feet in them, walk with socks in it. If you could feel the fungi juice and everything else in the bottom And one day I was doing something and I came upstairs I was about to take a shower And I took my fucking shoes off and I could smell it and I was like first off these sneakers are going to fucking garbage That's number one, right? Sneakers I started putting aluminum then and aluminum feet now Nice my feet smell like a baby's fucking feet

They smell like Jesus's feet That's awesome If he didn't run from the Jews Before the blisters you say Alright, so where you at this week beautiful this week on Thursday the 16th I'm a pet pays in Worcester and then the big one Friday the 17th I'm at the crystal ballroom in Somerville opening for Kim Kong in That's in May right. Yes or June. No, this isn't me may what?

17th May 17th. Oh May what 17th may 17th Oh 20 Night I got them I've got the wrong dates no shit sure like I thought you took me back to the future may 70 fourth. Sorry. Sorry means this Saturday, correct the mundo No, what? Friday, okay, beautiful. That's a good day to be out Friday night. Get it over with Where's the gig at the Crystal Ballroom in Somerville fucking tremendous? Don't forget to get your tickets online Where they get tickets at Lee and they can go to

The probably it's taken master. Actually, I buy the link is in my stories right now Hey, so Kim condom is doing fucking great on the road she's funny as fuck and If you go watching you're gonna have a good time with these two fucking knuckleheads and she'll get you smoking So that's good. She'll put you down make sure As soon as you walk in you eat 200 milligram edibles and attention you understand me Bow one up a storm. I'll be in Austin at the club hanging out all week million. It's like a million million million million million million million million million million million million

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