Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Woody Allen before the Chinese chick

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Lee asks Joey some creepy questions, Joey tells Lee about the time he hit a guy in the head with a tray of Chinese food, Joey talks about his experience with people being weird around kids in Hollywood, what Joey does to connect with audiences, and much more! Support the show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and press in promo code JOEY This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You should say that on stage. What's happening you savages? It's Tuesday, the 26th of March. The check in is brought to you by the best Blue-chew if you want a while your partner in bed, you don't need a cape you need blue chew You're saying Joey what's blue chew? It's an online service that sends ED medicine right to your door at a fraction of the cost of what the other guys Are charging have you guys are the doctor for sialis one of those oh

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Without further ado, let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. They thought well Joey can do it. I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. If Uncle Joey can do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to Chipps!

Chipp Chipp Chally Ho there. How you doing? Hello. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. Hello from Nashville. Yeah, look at you. How was your weekend? Fucking it was amazing. It was great. It started. Didn't start off great Thursday. It was a little bit rough. It wasn't as rough as Connecticut, but it wasn't great.

And I called you and you just gave me your advice is usually to get high. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do rough as Connecticut, but it wasn't great. I called you and you just gave me your advice is usually to get high, but you're like, listen, I need you to have fun. And so like Friday, I like rewrote my entire set and I got high because I haven't been getting high before I got on stage. And Friday and Saturday were almost all amazing sets. I tried a new joke on Saturday and it kind of derailed the momentum a little bit, but I was doing, I had like four really good shows. You know, I've found out recently again

that the two most important sayings when you're doing standup or anything, acting, playing the drums is you know I Forgot anyway the it's have fun is one is that you know when we forget We forget so that's why with you. I'm trying to build a muscle of fun You know when I started this I was obviously With you, I'm trying to build a muscle of fun. You know, when I started this, I was obviously, you know, 28 years old.

And I didn't really get a bite into this, I was about 31 or 32. And here I am on the ground floor of stand-up comedy, and my friends are getting married. And they go on on vacations to a cup of go and shit. So I Want you to think of all these things your mind puts extra pressure on you now you know and I Look back now and I'm like when I did those showcases like Josh brings you to a club He now you have a push in there Showcases like Josh brings you to a club He now you have a push in there

And it's a lot easier than you showing up on a Saturday where your nose wide open Trying to do a guest spot. So you're like me you want to do well Right and you put we put this unnecessary pressure on ourselves When we do stand up or anything to them playing a band and we forget to have fun. Number two, before I forget again, did I tell you that I watched that fucking thing with the night that they made that stupid We Are The World? Did we talk about that last week?

I don't think so. Okay, there's a show on Netflix In 1984 a lot of you guys are too young for this all these musicians got together and Did we are the world? We are the future Right a bunch of fucking like whoever was hot in 84, right? Well, it was all these old, you was all these young geezers, fucking, Bruce Springsteen was young in 84. He had the best album of the year.

Cyndi Lauper had a great album in 84. Michael Jackson had a great album in 84. Hughie Lewis in the news had a great album in 84. All these people were there, plus a bunch of legendary guys like Ray Charles and Waylon Jennings and Bob Dylan And you could see from the beginning Bob Dylan wasn't comfortable

That's not his shit. He don't like being a room with Dirty people with egos, you know, everybody had an ego, right? right now long when you watch it. It's very interesting But at the end Bob Dylan is having a hard time People and then people who don't know are like he was something something was wrong with him know he was a fish out of water and He did know he forgot rule number one. We forget it at every age. And that's why I'm going to keep pounding it.

When I write my comedy book, I got it in there. Keep pounding this. It's to be yourself. He thought he went in there and he heard all these people singing. And he goes, I can't sing like none of these motherfuckers. You know, Bob Dylan has a very unique voice. When he sings, you're like, that's Bob Dylan.

Nobody could do Bob Dylan. Nobody could, there's no Bob Dylan impersonators with the fucking harmonica and shit. But this is the beauty of it. Stevie Wonder is a great, what are you, when you, I can talk like you, a mimic. Yeah. Like a mimic. I don't know these words. Impersonator or something like that. Like he had to sit Bob Dylan down and sing the song how they wanted him to sing it. And all of a sudden he went up there

And it was fucking Bob Dylan and you're like what the fuck took so long up there what took so long He forgot rule number one to be yourself Wow, and it's a Bob Dylan can forget it everybody forgets it everybody fucking forgets it until you go. Oh Shit when you're on a movie set Everybody fucking forgets it until you go. Oh shit when you're on a movie set And you go in there and the guys like Lee I got a movie part for you Give me give me about two months then he'll call you a week before he goes leaves. It's three lines It's three lines and you know, you got this, you know You're gonna put so much pressure on you. I don't even know what I was I tell you you're gonna put so much pressure on yourself

There's a great story about caddyshack You're gonna put so much pressure on you. I don't even know what I was gonna tell you. You're gonna put so much pressure on yourself. There's a great story about Caddyshack. Okay. It brought Rodney Dangerfield down. And this all goes in the same kinda. It was his first fucking movie thing, you know. And he went out there and busted Rodney, but nobody laughed. And also he's like cut. And then he's like, nobody laughed.

He goes, Rodney, we're shooting a fucking movie. We can't laugh. And then the people busted out, you know, but what I'm trying to say to you is, you're gonna go in there and you're gonna think about somebody. I don't know why this happens it happens to me When I read lines when I got an audition and I read the lines

Right away. I know who they're looking for Interest my mind I go if I had the money, this is why we get So I think psychologically that tells me I got act like this fucking, you know, oh shit, Okay, so You know you forget about this shit So when you're there on the set and they're making you fucking do it over and do it over you like what the fuck? I'm saying the lines, right They didn't want you to say lines. They could hire a dummy to say the lines

They can hire a special Olympian to say the lines. They don't need that They want the way Lee would say, hey, give me the color. I'm going to leave. Holy shit. Yeah. And it's like, I, when you were telling me to like have fun, I got high and I watched, um, paper tiger, one of Bill Bur's, I think it was like two specials ago. And it just, I think he, to me, was a good example of like specials I could watch where you could see. Like it's just him almost having a conversation. Like it just seems like the way he talks.

And it's cool, it really helped. It really helped me like relax and like change. Like if I had bombed this weekend, I might have quit not gonna fuck off It would help you was smoking that reefer because you got a juice grew up your ass Fucking been telling you and all the other young comedians that you have to Break away that character. We want you to revisit it. The other night I went to do the verve with my man Danny Braff. Now I've spoken about Danny Braff on here before.

I love Danny Braff. He's funny on stage. I like Danny Braff's personality and how he, I don't know, he's just a character. So I went up there. I had some fucking Yoki. The food was great. I Go up in front of Rich Ross. I did about 12 minutes. I didn't do it too good because I wasn't prepared. I Didn't look at I just got in the car. I forgot to look at my notes And it's so funny that when we were leaving he goes come on. Let's take a picture They'll come on. Let's do it in this hallway.

And he goes, hold on, we have to get the light going. I go, you're so, you know, you're so Jewish. That's what I love about you. You know, there's times you want your Jewishness, right? You want that for the role, you know, when you when you watch early Woody Allen fucking, you know, before the Chinese chick, like, early Woody Allen. You know, you fall in love with him,

and at points and at times he does annoy you. You're like, what the fuck's he doing? Like when he had the hot chick and he had the cocaine and she gave him the straw and he sneezed So much into that scene with his Jewish vulnerability Right, like he sucks you into that scene that when he fucking sneezes Star because in your mind you're gonna get your dick sucked. Yeah, you're jealous. You've never done cocaine before I'm a nerd when I look at those things. That's how you learn That's how you fucking learn

But what like do you think like at the beginning of the book? I mean, I think it's like the first book that you ever read I think it's like the first book that you ever read I think it's like the first book that you ever read I think it's like the first book that you ever read I think it's like the first book that you ever read I think it's like the first book that you ever read I think it's like the first book that you ever read

I think it's like the first book that you ever read I look at those things. That's how you learn. That's how you fucking learn. But what like, do you think like at the beginning, Woody Allen had to like take that away from him to like get like get confident or like, what do you, do you have to like- Woody Allen didn't even know he had it. Wow, okay.

Nobody knows they have that. But back to, you know, they want you. They want you. Listen, it's tough to bomb when you're you. It's very tough to bomb when you're you because you're being honest. Very tough to bomb when you're you. When I go on stage and I write a joke and I think it's a good joke, you because you're being honest. Very tough to bomb when you're you. When I go on stage and I write a joke and I think it's a good joke, I do good with the joke, but when I'm on stage and I throw that joke up and I'm high and

the THC gets my mind and also I start throwing those little bombs after a joke. That's you. That's they want wanna fucking hear. That's why I don't like LA for early comedy. I don't like LA for early comedy because they take your mind to talk about a TV show. I don't want you to talk about a TV show. I don't want you to talk about your TV show. I want you to tell me about fucking what makes Lee tick. And what's going to get that out of

you is you being in bad pressure situations. Jesus. Where your mind says, listen, I'm abandoning this material. I'm done with this shit. This sucks. I'm at the seven minute mark. I'm not getting nowhere. Right.

I got another 13 left. After three more minutes of this, I'm expecting a tomato to fly. But I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to dump this fucking material. And I'm going to start to fly. But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna dump this fucking material. And I'm gonna start by singing a song. Do people like songs? I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

You're bombing already. Right. You're bombing. You might as well work on your singing your next career. And from just- Have you just sang on stage? All the fucking time when I was bailing I Would rap on stage to dial how you like me now? I'm in the mix, you know just You have to throw everything out there

It's so fucking crazy when you're bombing and you're looking at these your moats and you made a mistake by booking this room You didn't know that it was 60 people that never fucked. They never, 69, nothing like that. They're just going through life fucking, staring at each other, telling each other they love him. He's never pulled a hair. He's never lit a feet on fire. He's never done anything to her.

She's never kicked him his ass over the feather. When you have those people, he's never done anything to her. She's never taken his asshole with a feather. When you have those people, it's tough to take them on an imaginary fucking ride because they got no imagination. Right? You know, they've never gone home and they go, honey, we're going to try something different tonight. I'm going to put a bottle rocket up your pussy and see how you fly. And see you fly. Oh my God, I love doing that. Holy shit. Do you 69? What do you mean?

Have you ever 69? No, no, I've never done. Are you fucking crazy? That's my main game thrower. That's you right there. Yeah, you flip them up. Are you on top or the bottom? I on the bottom I'm the king of swing You pick up their legs and you spill them around and you wish it lands on black. You know I'm saying

Yeah position And I never really I tried to go on top once and she pushed me off. Oh sure 40 pounds or hummus balls They got to start something the helmet and the balls laying there if you throw it upside down Now they got a little Jew dick and some hummus nuts coming at you not too many people to handle that leak No, I can't the bottoms Like me. I got those long nuts nuts I got on top you're dying How long you they fall into the water I

What's with these personal questions today? I don't know I what's with these personal questions today? I don't know Shit in the lake nothing hits my nutsack, all right What is wrong with you today asking perverted question you've been that condo too long Oh, yeah, I have oh my god. I I have to do more mushrooms next time though And I haven't or everything you live like a fucking monk during the week But I'm driving towards who gives a fuck eight put sixty listen

You might have to come down in the summer for a week cuz I got a new idea For a fucking show that's gonna listen six episodes on YouTube. Right? We're gonna get it off. A rehab place? No, what fucking rehab? Who's going to a rehab? I don't know. It's me apparently. No, that was three years ago when the guy still worked at the rehab. He ended up going to jail for insurance fraud. He's doing six to 10 in Florida now. What? Oh, I forgot about that. You told me you were going to send me to rehab and give

me 20 grand. Yeah, that's what they do. They take your money to give you a little kickback. Then they put your brother's name on them, your sister and mom and the whole family goes to rehab. you get 100 grand, everybody gets a new start, you know what I'm saying? But now he's in jail. That's okay. So what are we gonna do for this show? What this I, what am I doing?

This show is so fucking powerful. I can't even send it over the airwaves. Okay. Because there's only four or five people that can pull this off and look at themselves straight in the fucking face. If I put this out there, I'm going to tell you who's going to steal it. That creepy marijuana fucking channel.

Vice with their fucking crumpets and deep, aching shit. What the fuck? And then they got the weakest people smoking pot like they got people Got no testosterone. They're smoking 18 you know 18 percent THC Talking about you know, I think I closed they saw a mosque or some shit No, I just yeah, I was going through it and vice was on TV They still got the channel

Okay, nobody they didn't do nothing. They were kind of taking chances and they fucking folded. And then they put a bunch of good shows on, but with the wrong fucking people. You know, these little testosterone, no testosterone kids. You know, they eat Uber Eats and shit like that. They don't leave the house, they got no sunlight. And they think they're dropping knowledge about Mount Fuji

or whatever the fuck they're talking about now. It sounds like you're describing me to be honest. Not really, you're a different type of animal. You're out there doing things. These people ain't doing things. Somebody's paying for that fucking college tuition and all of a sudden they're fucking Confucius and now Come on a fucking TV show to talk to the consumer about weed

You know and the shows you got awful. I try listen. I tried my hardest My agents didn't even want to go in there because they're like, it's no money Joey. I go I don't care. I Have to prove a point that you got these fucking jam oaks on Their fucking taking five milligrams and this paper pen is tremendous get these fucking jam. Oh, you're not doing them for the marijuana Marijuana industry. I'm sorry That's my fucking take for the day. You know what I'm saying? I love it Speaking of take and it's kind of I haven't watched it because I don't think I could But you used to talk a lot about

Like child actors you'd see in LA. Yes, sir Did you hear what's going on with like that like Nickelodeon producer this week? I Know something about a documentary Nickelodeon producer this week. I Know somebody documentary Yeah, like do it just him like doing terrible. Like did you see anything or like no? I don't even know what a documentary is Not like but I just met like with like the with kid actors like do you ever see people acting weird with them or like being like You know there was one situation where I was a little concerned and I'm not a crime

stopper, but I actually knew the producer like outside the set. That's how I got the job. I'm not going to movies or anything. And I had done a few films with these guys. These aren't like release films. These are straight to DVD, Disney, fucking, you know, a couple of different channels. And I knew that going in, but it helped me get insurance and it helped my my acting whatever, you know, you learn something

I ended up doing like five or six movies with them But there were kids in these movies Yeah, who I did not like on those movies There was a teacher a male teacher Whoa that they hired and he kept doing the movies with us. You know, he was with us in Colorado, he was with us in Northern California, he was with us in, I think, Ohio we shot.

I just didn't, you know, something. And then somebody came to me one day and said, what is it with that guy? you know, something. And then somebody came to me one day and said, what is it with that guy? And I go, it's like he was wanted for pedophilia in another state and he changed his name and he moved to California and he became a teacher on the sets.

And it was just very disturbing. So when the other person came to me and I know me, I'm a fucking idiot. But when this person who was very, you know, white, great person, family man, great wife, she was an actress also, he said it like I took the producer's side and the producer was like, we've all noticed that.

We run background checks. But I can't. I can't. I don't want to be involved in that stuff. And here's the funny thing. They had some producer, right? They had some dude who was in a jacuzzi with a kid and all that stuff.

Dude was in a jacuzzi with a kid and all that stuff You know guys we came we saw some creepy stuff out there and throughout the years You're gonna see something in LA Save it in your memory bank and 12 years from now did he gets caught in an orgy jumping up and down with a bunch of rappers you know but you heard something 15 years ago and you were like ah right it's like when my mom used to go rock Hudson's a fag I used to got stop right stop don't say those things I don't say those things and then one day 15 years later year by Those people weren't wrong that's what you're about to see in the next couple years

I listen, I don't know what's going on out there. I know that I Know that I was never a part of anything out there beside the comedy store And when I did a movie or whatever I always had a good time But I never felt like I was always in the circle and guess what I didn't want to be No, I was very fine on my book. It seems like that could be like a bad thing now, like being in the start. Like it seems like it leads to bad things coming out. For me, acting and stand up was. I don't know.

It was what I did. It wasn't my lifestyle. I didn't enjoy going to Hollywood parties. I didn't enjoy any of that stuff. The last season premiere I went to was, I'm Dying Up Here. Okay. That's all I did for Showtime. And I remember walking out of there going, this is it.

Not because they were bad people. In fact, I had a great time at that party. The food was great. There were some other comics there, Bobby Lee. I was giggling. It was just that that wasn't my circle. That was never my circle. And I knew it.

I knew it maybe after the fifth time I worked. They were nice. I Got along with them, but That's where it stopped on the longest yard. I was part of a couple clicks. We had to be with 17 weeks Right, but there were some clicks. I looked at and go good to see you guys. See you tomorrow morning on this set That's it. Like when you I know I know you're in jersey now and But like if mercy wanted to get into acting would you let her like it?

Did anyone ever approach you with mercy? Absolutely Absolutely from the time she was born Maybe three weeks later. Somebody had set up an account for already had an agency. How was that for commercials? Wow, like She's a little girl. I don't want nobody touching her. Are you right? You're kidding me No She talks shit from time to time to me about acting and You know, she's in the school band, but I don't I'm not promoting it here in this house. Not right now

No, not right now Number one. I'm not driving all over the fucking place for audition That doesn't mean I want to drive her to a fucking audition and Double park and send her upstairs and she's got to go in a creepy room Not right now not right now But this is me there's a lot of people that it's really funny how People who didn't do well and I'm not saying everybody But when you get to LA the people that are pushing their children Wanted to be actors, but it never fell through for them. So now they're pushing their kid, you know, I didn't want that

well, I Was a kid you were a kid when you get older you start looking at your kids and going this would didn't work for me whatever I Just wanted to have fun That's it. I Just wanted to giggle win some games lose some games Fuck up in some games hit a home run in one game You know people cheer for her like I saw two years ago the first time she hit like scored And yeah, that's base everybody clap that and she was like what the fuck is that?

I gotta keep doing that if I want people to clap you see it you learn it, you know Hell, yeah so All that's been very impressive my brother So where you headed you headed to fucking viva las vegas next week. I'm in vegas all week. I'm so at eight o'clock What are you doing shows that Tarzan? Viva Las Vegas next week. I'm in Vegas all week. I'm so at 8 o'clock every night What are you doing shows that Tarzan? 8 8 o'clock every night at the stratosphere and then I have some other shows I'm probably gonna jump in on Brett Ernst he has shows Tuesday and Wednesday at the stratosphere and then we'll see what else happens

But I'm at the strat every night. I can't I can't like I've heard for years about comics doing a full week And this is my first one and I can't like I've heard for years about comics doing a full week and this is my first one and I can't fucking wait I But I am I've heard it like am I gonna get and I know you don't know but like you I remember you telling talking about like the Employee buffet or something. Are you working at the stratosphere? They're paying you for the week Yeah, and they're putting you up? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, you got a little employee card.

You go downstairs, you'll have a good time. Oh Jesus, you're like it has a hit, it had a bite mark in it. You'll see little fucking hair in your food and bite marks. You know, your fish will have, like the skin will be pulled off it. Where the fish will pull the skin off, in the tea, if it was crispy enough and they're like,

OK, we don't want that now. You'll see all that stuff. You know what I'm saying? You'll see soup with like a those wrappers and the crackers in there. Oh, God. So I don't think they have the phase anymore. Listen, go have a good time, eat shit, walk around,

you know, learn. This is, you're doing comedy for tourists. Right. And they come in every night and it's a different, one night you're gonna get a busload of Chinese people. Good luck. Good luck. You're up there fucking singing Chinese songs and shit. You're up there lip syncing fucking, you know. I would sing that fucking song and it would bring me back because I did not give a fuck.

I would just start belting it. I wouldn't even look at the audience. I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it.

I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it. I would just start belting it. I wouldn't even look at the audience I would look up and go whatever happens happens And like I can't actually here's a question for you cuz like the comedy stores kind of tourists, right don't you think like I mean More like listen when I first got there it was locals who the fuck was gonna fly to California right on the store after 2015 it was became like Disneyland on so I got a text message from somebody yesterday that wasn't fucking

Drinking down the block in the comedy store. And they go, oh, shit, you're home. You're all alone. And I was like, wow. So yeah, now it's more of when Bill Burr and a bunch of us were there, a lot of people, I would talk to them every Tuesday night. And they would tell me what it was a comedy vacation. Oh

For people yeah to come out they would say that hotel. I would appreciate that so much because no no no no no Tuesday they were flying from let's say Chicago Mm-hmm who's that ever going to the store? Wednesday they were going to the improv and then Thursday they were going to the store. Wednesday they were going to the improv. And then Thursday they were going to like a baseball game in Angel Stadium because Friday they were going to see somebody at the Brea Improv. Like I would go, you flew in from Chicago and they're like, yeah, we've heard about the Breay Improv and, you know, or they would go to San Diego to watch a comic. It was pretty impressive. These people were mixing like comedy at night, with sightseeing in the

morning, you know, like different places, whatever. And as a comic, you want to hear that it does something to you. Like they were like, we wouldn't come to California, we weren't going to come by the Comedy Store and we were going to go catch uh you know Sarah Silverman at Largo that's big they're coming out there to support you know so there was a time the last two years of the store I say like the Comedy Store was like Conor McGreg, you know when Conor McGregor goes to Vegas everybody jumps up and down Everybody gets a dollar in their pocket. He generates that much Income there was a time man with the store like people were going to the Japanese place to eat next door, which is

You know two hundred dollars a plate in there. You ain't going to their fucking with no coupon. They know happy Whatever the fucking name of this Tanaka whatever I forget what it was I mean it might to the store right right next to the store. You don't even know it's a sushi restaurant It's fucking there's not a sign. There's nothing you walk up this It's like you walk it into somebody's house and then the house is the fucking sushi restaurant Shit, I never went in there. It looks like you're almost yeah 23 years I was dead twice and it was with my brother because he was picking up the check I don't know that about that. They wanted

$15 for just one steak on a stick Fuck that just one but it was the best fucking Japanese steak you ever had in your life I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that I'm not gonna say that One bite. I kept on two more and him another drink and get another two drinks. He went abroad This is fucking 2000 last time I was in there Lee had to be 2005 six Wow, and sometimes if you were pulling up to the store, you could see people sneaking up there It was well hidden. Fucking forgot the name, but Tanaka, one of those fucking names. Katana.

Katana. Maybe. Yeah. I walked by a million times. That's a, I never went there. That's fucking are you, cause you're not, I know you're not, you're not a cheap person, but there was someone at the show last night who was gonna change their plane ticket for like 600 bucks. And I was like, I would never, there's not a situation that I would spend $600 to like get a couple more hours of sleep. Do you, like, are you, are you past that?

Or like, would you spend like the money on like fancy, so you don't seem like a fancy sushi or like a club, like anything like that sort of person. Listen, we all want to be fucking hungry, Dory, right? Right. I've said this before that I was left in a different situation with most people. I was left in a situation where my mother didn't leave a will and she left the house, she left gold, she left money. Andin-law will and she left the house. She left gold

She left money and I got that shit yanked from me. I never saw a dime of it, you know When I spend money now, I Think about my daughter saying my money There's her money Who the fuck am I to go get an 82 dollar piece of sushi? Because I think I'm Johnny bananas Are you with me like I love my tails? I love fucking a good steak, you know, I love all these things but Yeah, what really I'm gonna push my flight back to save 600 what if you get to the airport that flight you run

Got delayed for eight hours and you just dropped 100 on the earlier flight It's it's it's listen if you have that type of money, you run Got delayed for eight hours and you just run on the earlier flight It's it's it's listen if you have that type of money. God bless you. Yeah, I know that type of money I wouldn't be on a commercial flight motherfucker You know where? I'd be hitching on a flight with fucking guns and roses or something like that. Fuck it You know, you know I'm saying So you just switch to 600 bucks. What was he staying for? Not no, no, he was leaving.

He was leaving like he just didn't want to wake up for the five a.m. flight. There was like an eight a.m. flight. And I was like, I tried to talk him out of it because the Jew and me, like with Josh and Jacob, they smoke. And for a set like months ago, Jacob was like, oh, let's just smoke in the rental car. We'll pay the I can't like the $500 fee to smoke in a car. I would never like smoke in a room. So I can't do that. I'm so fucking cheap. No, I don't smoke in my hotel. You've never done that. I'll smoke if they have a balcony

I'll smoke a balcony You know, I don't care what kind of glass you've got A little bit always sneaks in Yeah, you know so a little bit. Oh, you have to sit out there for a couple minutes And let it air out of your clothes and air out of everything and then go inside You know how many times I smoked a fucking bazooka on my balcony My daughter's in the pool right there laguna beat my wife's in there with the neighbors And I'm on the back and I turn around the fucking doors open this much

Who my wife comes up and goes this room smells like fucking reefer the worst thing? Listen, I never stole a car in my life And I'll tell you why because when you get pulled over you got nowhere to go. You're in the car You got the evidence on you you fucking? dummy and If you smoke in a hotel room again, cops knocked on your door, you got nowhere to go What are you gonna jump off the fucking balcony if the security comes up to your room and says, you know, Mr. Syatt, we've been smelling weed,

we got a couple complaints, and there you are with a joint in your room. So listen, you've been in hotels with me. What's the rule? We check in, we go upstairs, and the time it takes me to pee, call my wife and roll a joint. I Come right back downstairs. Do we not?

Right. Oh, he always always let me go smoke a joint and see what the fuck's going. I would never Tell you to come to my room and smoke a joint Not even when I did Vegas that I had the big room upstairs. We didn't smoke. Yeah This bro when you're a comic, you know, privileges are privileges. And in life, privileges are privileges. I love smoking weed. But you've never seen me drive and smoke on a fucking joint. No.

Very seldom. We used to go to the ice house and smoke a joint outside the ice house But you could name in ten years. How many times are we driving down the 101? I can like teaching show Did we have two thousand milligrams in this? Yes, we did Nobody asked but were we driving teaching chong in it? You know the thing no driving and teaching chong in it. You know what I'm saying? No. Where should I, do you have any tips for like

on the strip, like where do I go to smoke? I don't wanna get in trouble. Like do they care? It's no. Where would you smoke? It's legalized in the city. They got weed stores in Vegas. I know they have, but I didn't know where,

if I could smoke right on the strip, like by the hotel. You smoke wherever the fuck you want When you get to the stratosphere, they'll tell you Where to smoke when you get to do the show? Don't go no go out that door right there. Nobody will bother you. They have a smoking lounge You know even at Dodger Stadium, they just don't fucking tell you Really? Yeah, you could smoke dope and dive. You got to walk 18 miles

past There with the yakuza some with it Shiro Suzuki's people whatever The fucking guy is they got caught for gambling. Hold on Go ahead show me a tiny. Yeah, that's my boy But now with this gambling thing hold on one second while we talk to you savages about better help All right. This episode is brought to you by better help. Let me ask you something. How do you recharge? Be the night out with your friends or do you like to spend time alone? I like to spend time alone That's why I started going to better help Listen, you got to build a better social life that doesn't drain you. We always pick up these spare flies

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Diaz today, I'm gonna get you 10% off your first month I'm gonna do something solid for you. And like I said in the beginning listen, I like hanging out with myself I got problems too. Don't think you got problems because you like hanging out for yourself But if you want to know why you want to hang out with yourself Contact better help don't figure it out for you. And remember this episode is brought to you by better help give online therapy a shot with better help comm Slash Diaz again diaz and get on your way to being the best version of yourself guys I was with them for months and look at me now. I'm living like a doctor Tip top Magoo. So if you're walking around who buts

Get a hold of better help. Don't forget Code Diaz diaz Thank you. And now back to the craziness We're back bitches. And don't forget our little brother Lee Syatt used better help last week after he bombed It was so and then when he found out the club was going out of business After he bombed he double called them again. He was he had her on speed text You know I'm saying he was over there said it's most of this shit Can you believe that I like I'm I'm half happy because now there's no evidence that it was there

But now I can't go back and redeem myself. Lee, there's some places you just don't go back. No, I'll never go back. You just don't. Listen, Lee, from 94 to 96 and 97, I was bombing all over.

You know, I was like Israel. I was just bombed. Bombing like fucking Israel. I mean, it was, you know, but it was a bunch of places. I would bomb at comedy clubs. You know, there were two comedy clubs that gave me love in Denver all the time. And it was George McElvey's comedy club

in the comedy corner, which was a McElvey club on the other side of the town. He always gave me guest sets. The manager hated me. Hated me. Why? I could see him on stage going like that. Like when I was on stage bombing, he would just shake his head. But the owner of the club and me were tight. He really liked me. He got me into the club and Judy Brown's club when she was a manager down

there before, you know, Burt's manager and stuff stuff she got he got me into that club he had made some other clubs me George Mckelvey was a well-known comic from Denver tonight show and When he started comedy his comedy duo was with Steve Martin Holy shit. Yeah, this guy was the real deal George Mckelvey and it was like you meeting me You come in and go enjoy when I got on stage Right and he would just cut me off shut the fuck up. Yeah, he would be like drinking a bottle. Here's one of those You're gonna go up there. You give him ten minutes

I want you to throw the kitchen sink at him and then back off for a minute then close them with that Joke you do about eating a check out. I mean he was great with me Like he just guided me all those years. I didn't give him enough credit over the years, but I loved George. But I remember, like, I would be bombing there on Saturdays because he would give me a guest set every other Saturday at a different club.

So I did two at one club and two at the other club. This went on for about three months after I basically just gave up I was like i'm not going up there no more. What am I doing up there? You know i'm saying every time I go up there people like him again You know, I mean you have to be honest with yourself After a while, it's not fucking working here I was very new yorkish

Or in my mind it wasn't working You know these gigs that you're doing with Josh right now that you're very fortunate Nashville and the Jenny. Yeah, I was doing, Wyoming Think about yeah, we're born Would make believe seats 400 people with 200 with cowboy hats on it smells like shit and pigs and fucking god-awful in there and you get there you're like this is my career and i remember getting up on stage doing 15 minutes and just it was a slow death it was a slow death and i don't know the guy would give you a buck and a quarter your hotels around the corner hotel

I don't want to wake up in this city at dawn. They're gonna shoot me. I Would get the fuck out of there. You don't know, you know Wyoming Utah Fucking Montana. I bombed all over Montana. I'm surprised Fucking what's that show for Montana that they do? Yellowstone? Yeah, I'm surprised they haven't shot me on that fucking show for bombing all over Montana.

You know, and that's it. Idaho, oh my God. You know, I was sitting there watching something with my wife, and they were talking about Idaho, and they went to Twin Falls, Idaho don't I remember looking at my wife within two minutes. I go not only that I bombed there I got arrested there, you know say I Got arrested there Two weeks in a row

The first time I went because the clubs were across this and what listen Really? They weren't clubs. They were fucking you know karaoke bars in Twin Falls, Idaho and it was a street and both streets had actionally, you know, like barbecue and this steaks and Those bars with the bowl and they had another bar. We did the line dancing. So we I don't know I followed so many line dancing fucking classes and nights and ladies nights and The one week it was like on Tuesday night, I didn't look at my schedule I

never looked at the schedule and The Tuesday night the first week was Tuesday night. I went up there Henley come on I get into an argument with a heckler, but the reason I got into a Reason I got into an argument with a heckler because I was bombing him saying Like he had insult me like I'm up here wasting my time and Like he had insult me like I'm up here wasting my time and Then I didn't know I was bombing they threw him out. We said some shit to each other Well the next that Sunday I look at my schedule. I'm like, I'm back in Idaho next week. I

Got a drive to one show like in in Washington but then I'm back in Idaho, right? I'm like, what the fuck? And by Tuesday, I realized I'm back in Twin Falls. Like, what the fuck? Where am I tonight? And it was the club across the street. I'm talking about Lee, the comedy store in comparison to where they used to eat fucking sushi off The comedy store in comparison to Where they used to eat fucking sushi off the naked women on sunset. Oh

Yeah, it's real close like 80 yards in the store. That's yeah I was that's how far though the other Wednesday night was the Thursday night or whatever Wherever I came from in I wherever I came in from I got there early Wherever I came from in I wherever I came in from I got there early So I can't go to a room. I go let me go eat some Chinese food at the fucking mall. Let me go to no Let me go to the mall Right and more and I'm at the food court and there's one of those Chinese joints and I get but you know You get $75 a nightly. You're not getting the lobster Cantonese You're gonna get the fucking bowl with the noodles and you get them for everything fate 99 While you're eating the chicken, you know, it's not chicken, but

Fuck it. It is what it is. It could be a goat. It could be some kids fucking turtle And the motherfuckers that I got the beef with walk up to me at the mall, oh No medium from last week. Well, anyway, I hit him with the tray The Chinese who got stuck through his head and I got arrested the cops caught me running in the parking lot And I've got put in jail till fucking the show started At 901 the fucking Booker had to send bail money and the other comic had to come pick me up You know, I Was bombing all over the fucking place, but that wasn't gonna stop me

I knew that the more numbers that I did I get to where I'd have to be I didn't know be 10 more million fucking spots And I I know you it's not something you recommend How good did it feel to hit him in the head with the tray? Tremendous. It was at that time. It was perfect. I was going through a divorce. I was broke. I was shoplifting my way across country. And I had a fucking car with the axles fucked up. And I had a radiator that blew up every 800 miles I had to fucking put that little metal stuff in the radiator. They would grip again. Come on, man

Those are the stuff, you know, those are the best times of my life when I look at that shit when you're driving a car Like these people only only used to spare tire for 50 miles. Motherfucker use that spare mouth of states. What world states? Oh, who shot that? States, you understand me? Yeah. Oh, oh, my God. That's do you shit yourself like that?

Sounded like not as like that. I'm the one a little shit myself was no gas that came out of my asshole You know Telling a little guess I was I had a protein shake. I Hate you you keep drinking those things Because I didn't have time to eat. I had a With some raspberries I put some raspberries with some coconut water, a couple ice cubes and two scoops, seven points of protein, 45 grams just to get it in there. But every time you drink those things you fart non-stop.

That's the beauty of it. I'm preparing myself to be in social settings. but I'm preparing myself to be in social settings. I love it. I wanted to ask you like a quick comedy question. When I changed up my set this week, I did like a two, three minutes on Nashville and I've seen like comics do that a lot and I've never did it. Like is that, do you recommend writing something

on like the city? always Okay, always Always not tell you why It shows the audience that you made a commitment to find out about this city When I was young and balls and you know, I love getting to a city early even though I had a group in my car and then take a shower at a hotel until the hotel let me check in there for the comedy club.

I did that a lot. I did that a lot. Just go to the hotel where you're going to stay and spend the night in the parking lot and get up, brush your teeth in the little thing Tell the clerk I'm gonna be in here about an hour So I'm gonna go back to the bathroom and do my thing and then you go out you look at the day Until to if you could check in trust me It's a long day when you got to kill five hours and all you got half a joint and 18 bucks, you know

But you find stuff and then all you gotta do All you gotta do is read a paper Mm-hmm, and then I'm gonna give you some inside stuff. Yeah, okay for some people. Okay, so now Once you've been to that town twice You know, that's why I tell people I Didn't have the funds Lee when I was but when you're a

Feature act and you have a normal upbringing and you have money in the bank I know it's hard to tell a feature act that's making 300 or 400 for the week To look at a $50 stake. They'll look at me. Look at me. Come on, man. I can't afford that Do it to go get a $50 steak. They'll look at me, come on man, I can't afford that. Do it. It's an investment, it's like buying a Facebook ad. You're gonna go to that steak house, you're gonna have the best steak, you're gonna tip the waiter,

you're gonna find out the waiter's name. And what would I used to do when I'd go on stage and have these places? I went to your restaurant today Okay, I'm a man Gary with the one earring and his fucking nose Everybody who goes to that restaurant has seen that guy What the one earring in his nose? And talk about it give your opinion on it. How many times were we in Austin together or anywhere in Texas? I always opened up with Katrina and the shrimp

You know the gumbo I always talked about gumbo and any part of Texas Louisiana, you know you have to connect You know find out who's got the best Jew food in town. Let's go. Let's get a new Now when you go to that time you could talk about pastrami you could think about this when I go to Cleveland I go get pastrami. So now what I'm fucking Ribbons, whatever the fucking name of that place is now before I go to that town. I'm telling you I'm excited to go there That connects me with you. You're like fucking Joey I'm excited to go there that connects me with you. You're like fucking Joey

Sound the Rogan fucking podcast that when he comes to Indianapolis. He's gonna go to fucking Most of on burgers, whatever the fuck, you know Michael Jackson burgers, I don't fucking know Right away that lets you know that you appreciate that area Right new I wouldn't talk shit if I didn't appreciate your fucking area So that appreciation like I went to nashville once And it was the week the man got caught sucking somebody's dick in the cemetery something five six years ago And I think people were talking about it. And I'm watching this going, look at these nice white people.

What's the word to say? Gossip? No, not gossiping, not at all. It was a current event and they were just discussing it, but they were covering up blowjob in the best way they could They had sexual contact they everything they could spend do you follow them saying to you Yeah, those what they were doing blah blah blah blah blah blah You know everybody knew what the fuck they were doing just say it I

Don't know what they were doing, you know boom fucking Go up there and stay just say what you think give your opinion on it and In the middle of my act at the 12-minute mark when I don't need any help. I Don't need any help. I don't need a fucking Nashville joke Right when good on my own. I threw it out there And I saw people fucking kicking tables off That's wow that just happened it happened like Tuesday and I got there on Thursday

And all these things you talk about by going to the local diner Going to breakfast at a place go over the drop the ten bucks. You're gonna hear shit That I give you material. Why are you saving the ten bucks? Because the hotels gonna give you that fucking Those fucking eggs made by some chick with a missing finger. You don't need that shit Just drink the juice get the free cup of coffee and go down the fucking road. Steal a donut for later. Go down and listen, I eat the hotel breakfast, but I also go out to breakfast one day. If I'm there for four days, how many days are you going to eat the hotel? How many days are you going to eat Cheerios and that fucking day? You know what I'm saying? You don't even like Cheerios.

Nobody likes Cheerios. I don't care if you got a half I'm saying you don't even like Cheerios. Nobody likes Cheerios I don't care. We got a half a heart. You won't eat fucking Cheerios I can just see you yelling at me at that like how many days you get cheerios fucking days You need this raisin brand. That's two weeks old How many fucking weeks you got to do do something. You got to loosen up. Let's go get some Wharrows Roncheros or something. Something. A grapefruit.

I don't give a fuck. Right. OK. And would you try to change it up every time? Because you can't do the same joke the next year. You go to the city, right? No, but you went to a different restaurant. OK.

You went to a gay bar. You went to a bar. You went to a different restaurant Okay, you went to a gay bar you went to a bar you went to a museum you drove by a school You know these all the things that when you go into an area, you know, you grab that energy man And I know you're looking at me going what the fuck this is Joey Diaz who fucking farts and There was something about that And then I remember going to these cities now as a feature act Okay, 600 bucks for six shows And you know in the back of my mind I already got an eight ball boy

So that's I'm clearing 350 the plane ticket was a buck 50 to get down there What am I clearing not clearing dick? Yes, so what am I gonna do? When we pay my light bill with that last time? Fuck the light bulbs. I got a backup on candles. Fuck it. Go to a restaurant Okay, go to a nice lunch restaurant, you know go they have a lunch special Talk to people who where you from? I'm from California no shit my my girlfriend from Hollywood no, come on. Yeah, she's the work at the comedy store and she's some dick in the valley. Oh, I know her

You know and next thing you know I know, huh? You know and next thing you know You got so you need weed while you're here. Fuck. Yeah. Let me come to your show tonight boom And you're learning about that area. I don't I learned listen. I learned so much about Houston Beaumont, Texas Dallas, Texas El Paso, Texas fucking Austin, Texas, you Paso, Texas, fucking Austin, Texas,

Baton Rouge, Louisiana. It was just so many of them. Places I would have never gone to if it wasn't for comedy. Las Cruces, New Mexico. First time I went to New Mexico was for comedy. I thought I was gonna get killed. A fucking Arizona. I went to Arizona in 84, but the next time I went

was to do comedy in Tempe, like, I don't know, 15 fucking years later, you know? And you just, you know, I had Greasy Tonys in Arizona. The fat guy from Jersey who didn't sleep, who put speed in his Mountain Dew. You know, we had San Francisco. We had... It's just such a beauty to travel after a while as a comic. didn't sleep, who put speed in his Mountain Dew. You know, we had San Francisco, we had, it's just such a beauty to travel after a while as a comic.

I love it. And to have your roots in that city, especially as a feature act, you have more freedom. It's not your week. It's got nothing to do with you. I'm just doing 25 minutes and I'm out of there. I'm not hanging out with this fucking stiff, telling me about his agent and some movies reading for,

I need this. He doesn't want me. I don't want to see what the city, I mean, the guy likes you and he goes, come out with us, Lee. Yeah, you go out with the headline, but if not, you're working a bitch from the minute you get to that club at eight o'clock. You know, as soon as you get off the stage, you're hanging by the bathroom, make him believe you're watching a bitch from the minute you get to that club at eight o'clock You know as soon as you get off the stage hanging by the bathroom make him believe you're watching the comic

But you're waiting for Bronson come on. Oh my god. You were so funny. Really you want to swallow my sword? You know you're rockin and rolling you're going back to the girl's house, she's got girlfriends. She's got a boat This is part of being a comic Right gotta live. This was what my problem was before I left LA. I wasn't living I Couldn't I could now I got four years of stories to tell Right, I got I got four years of shit to tell I Ran out of shit. How many times are they gonna hear the same fucking shit? Before years and get now I'm a different person. I'm a it's a different life. It's

people wouldn't even believe the shit I see now. And what I see every day in front of me, I'm looking at a young girl growing up. I can't talk about that though. People look at me and go, no, I disagree with that. But I think it's good to hear that I did the right thing. But like, I didn't even know how cool Nashville was. This is my second time here in a few months. It's one of the coolest cities I've ever been to.

And it's come up a long way, man. Listen, I loved all those cities. I loved Cleveland. I fucking love Pittsburgh I love Buffalo. I love fucking you know that I love all those Smaller New York City's up north the Albany's and you go there and you look You know, you know what the fuck happened here Baby comedy 24 hours up in this bitch Yeah, Albany Albany's a little I haven't been in that funny bone yet, but this is a little rough

I still remember taking like an overnight bus and Waking up in one of those towns. I don't know where it was Albany Syracuse now wasn't Syracuse Rochester Rochester and they have like an overnight Albany Syracuse now wasn't Syracuse Rochester Rochester and they have like an overnight And it's like seven in the morning and I'm just you know trying to get they always sold like coffee They always saw like the chicken soup in a cup the bouillon for a quarter. Yeah, this it's freezing in there You're drinking bouillon and shit like the other pedophiles train station or bus station or whatever the fuck it is You know, the only one without a scarf. You know I'm saying

They're all sniffing seats and shit And I remember one of those towns I'm like what the fuck is that thing And I walk over they have like a little restaurant in the bus station like Emilia's It was basically a fucking bar. We're like Professional drunk people like this is the last resort This is it like I asked people afterward and people like oh, you don't want to go in there This is a comedy club during the week at the bus station

Holy shit. They did two one-nighters there. Somebody booked two one-nighters at the fucking, I like to say it was Albany, but I don't know. This place was dingy. And then when I think I went there, yes, because on the way back, I had to stop in Albany. And then I got the full scoop. They did comedy there two nights a week.

The place sat like 24 people, but 20 of them were at the bar, you know what I'm saying? Like crumpling together. They hadn't gotten son in 30 years, you know. They're in a fucking, and these were locals that hung out at the bus station. Fucking locals.

That hung out at a bus, when you land at the ferry in we all can there's a sushi place they do comedy there wow that'd be nice yeah they do comedy there one night they've been doing it for a while now and then they're gonna do it again and then they're gonna do it again and then they're gonna do it again and then they're gonna do it again and then they're gonna do it again and then they're gonna do it again and There's a sushi place They do comedy there Wow, that'd be nice Yeah, they do comedy that one night. They've been doing it since I was coming back and forth I've never you know, I think one night I walked past them doing comedy

I was coming back to the city while I was shooting the Sopranos. I went over there to eat or something and I fucking Saw them doing comedy one night. I'm like not bad. Hey, it's like 22 people who just got off the fucking ferry That can't wait to get home to get a whiskey. They got to stop right now motherfuckers Holy shit. Thank God That's that's fucked up. I love that. One of my open mics just closed. I'm bummed about it It's like one of those local. I love that one of my open mics just closed. I'm bummed about it. It's like one of those local. I love local bars Yeah, it's just fun

There was an open mic here in Garwood It's like 25 minutes from my house I Saw the pictures look like fun. Then I read in the paper somebody got stabbed there mark that off your list you know saying I go to two places where people got stabbed listen but and do you do them for free or for money open mics oh no you won't see me in there if I take a chance I'll go over and put a fucking dollar in the flower the guy laid when they got stabbed them Oh, yeah, they have candles outside of one. Yeah, it's monday nights Holy shit, I love it. What do you got this week? Oh, how fucked up is it where they got candles for you? That's like the people in connecticut right now if you go to that club, they got little candles with your name on it

The picture of you and shit They're leaning out of space on the candle. I think one of the best things, took me a couple of years to figure out, I still do, like when I went up to Thursday night to the verb with Danny and the other guy and Rich Voss, I had a blast. And I had a blast being high in the car, thinking about going up there and thinking about,

and it's really fun. Like I can, Josh and I were on the phone the other day And we were talking about how lucky we were And this is why I thought back and I called you back and said those things to you about time for you to fucking put a anchor in Boston because With Denver even though I was doing a lot of bars and shit, my anchor was the Comedy Works. When I lost the Comedy Works, there was other clubs, but I didn't want to work those clubs.

So I had to make my decision right then and there. And the best decision I ever made was going to Seattle. Because we had two open mics, Monday and Tuesday at the comedy club. And the beauty about it was that he worked with you. He didn't give you a lot of advice. He would say little things to you. And the first time I went in on Monday night,

I was number one on the list. And I went in the next night and I was number one. And I went in a Monday night, I was number one on the list. And I went in the next night, and I was number one. And I went in a week later, and I was still number one. And that's how life is. Nothing you can do about it. You've got to work yourself out at home. And I would work myself. And I still remember being number six and going,

fuck, look at Uncle Joeyey number six and shit Because I was listening to him. He would tell me take that out Put that in you were running with that. That's a great joke Like that. I was on open mic one day and I was talking about You know, I went to this my friend's house in miami Like that this was 90 This is like 97 right before I was in leave Seattle and I pulled the lead And I took a week in fucking Davey, Florida Davey, Florida, nobody even knows who Davey Florida is. Well, I'll tell you it's where the Dolphins practice

But this is this is a comedy club in daily and Davey, Florida. It was Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, six shows. No, it was like 10 shows. It was 400 bucks. And they put you on though, but I didn't care. I wanted them to see me. I was ready for I was ready for Florida. You know what I'm saying? Why Florida? I have no fucking idea So I went down and I ate a bag of dicks and you know But it was 400 bucks The plane ticket was 200 Yeah, the cab didn't pick you up. No, they'd pick you up and no no

See at the condo and you went to the condo. There wasn't a key You didn't have enough money to fucking take another cab So you got to walk to the comedy club in 90-degree weather? To get on and then walk back to the club with your suitcase and a leather jacket because you just flew in from fucking Alaska. Oh, oh, fucking brutal, man. Yeah.

But I enjoyed, the best thing I enjoyed was driving with, when I got to Seattle Monday and Tuesday we did the open mic and then we started branching out Tuesday night. There was a club that women dance in cages And you went downstairs and the middle of that the DJ turned the music off and you got to do seven minutes Sounds like a great show. Yeah, I knew I was gonna bond but I didn't give a fuck. I also knew it was a set Right, you know

Hello, we did all this talking. I forget what my fucking point is. Why did he go to Davey? There was a story about Davey Davey because I was a fucking idiot Why I probably because I thought Davey was gonna do something for me in the midst of everything. And it was the biggest mistake of my life. Not really, because that's how I met Jim Florentine. Really? That's when we met. Me and Jim Florentine met in Davey, motherfucking Florida, opening night, Wednesday night.

And then I went to the other club to open up from the chick from night court and Jimmy stayed in Davey opening up for somebody huge too. That's crazy. That's fucking crazy. And that's yeah, I'm in that place. I would love to do Davey right now. No, I know.

There's no clubbing Davey right now. No, I know. Davey, there's no club in Davey no more. Maybe like the Florida Gator house and there's T80 people. You don't need that in your life right now. But it's really nuts how I worked myself in a great open mic system. And it was crazy because you had to do five minutes. You got a light at five and you had to do five minutes, you got a light of five, and you had to be off at six.

And if you ran the light at six, you couldn't come back for a few weeks. I wish more mics did that. No, I did that from July to September, October. I never questioned it. And then something interesting happened in October. They asked me to do a Seattle comedy competition. Nice.

I said, yeah. And we were talking at the meeting, how many sets and it was, you got five minutes, the yellow light comes on, you got a minute. If that red light comes on, you don't get action for the night. And I saw so many people get disqualified who had great sets for going six minutes and three seconds.

Guess who never went over? Me, because of the training they gave us at the underground. Carl was, he was preparing us for that fucking contest. That's great. Yeah, it's. And you said so, and you were telling me to put down roots. You think it's good to to like have a city? You got to have a home. You got to have somewhere to grow somewhere where you're going to walk in there

as an emcee And you're gonna gauge it. This is the only way you can gauge yourself by walking out of there When he sits you down and goes Lee. I love you You did everything here I can headline you twice a year Christmas and the 4th of July But it's time for you to go move on and go get some fucking credits If not, you're gonna end up like dick Tim and Joe and credit, but you know, you're the king of Boston But but you know everybody thinks they can just pick up a move

Like I think a year I'll move to Los Angeles. Listen, you don't want to go anywhere without a rocket attached to your back. What does that mean? You don't want to come off something. You always want to come off a win. You're not going to show up in LA because you just did. I just headlined the stand. No. No. That's not the way it works. Go do something. Book a row, wait for the rows to come out. Now you got something to bounce on. You know, be a part of something.

Now you got something to bounce on. People always look at the bounce and nothing happened. If you're in Boston, Lee, you get picked to do the, well, no more, they went out of business, Montreal Comedy Festival. I know so like And you get picked for that. That's how you move to LA or New York Right now you got a manager now somebody's gonna come up to you the leak. Where the fuck have you been all my life? I'm looking for the next Woody Allen and you just walked into the room you

Okay it's walked into the room. You're okay. It's because I, is that what pulls a Lee means is like, just like be not not in a bad way, but like not over anxious, but like over eager. Like, because when you said you pulled the lead and went to Davey, like I'm the one who would be like, oh, let's let's move now. It was, it was the dumbest move of my life because there was nothing there with it. I wasn't accomplishing nothing I was just getting a feature spot in the B room Why would I spend 400 bucks?

Why would I spend 200 bucks to get that nothing was gonna happen in my career? I would have done better by doing ten spots in town Okay, we're doing a triple run or something, you know, there's no need for that right now You're just going down there for air. Let's pretend you kill Okay, we're gonna bring you back as a feature for four hours Again, so now you're gonna come back but you're gonna ask it. What else is there around here? Mm-hmm, and that's still positive thing, but not really because now she's gonna give you another lady Who's gonna pay you for hours and the only good thing about that is it's one plane tickets works with two

Right, so you say there, but where you gonna stay on Sunday Monday Tuesday The bus station it's always a fucking by the way cocksucker have a great week Thank you, motherfucking Vegas I'll be around this week. I'm gonna surprise these cocksuckers. Oh That baby I'm ready to go tip-top Magoo it's gonna be a good week and guess what Next week was April I'm gonna go. It's gonna be a Stay Black. You need BlueChu. You're saying, Joey, what's BlueChu? It's an online service that sends ED medicine right to your door at a fraction of the cost of what the other guys are charging. Have you gone to the doctor for Cialis, one of those?

Oh my God. You're going to go broke. Forget about it. But this, with BlueChu, they got the same amount of ingredients as Viagra Cialis and la vitra You know, you're getting good quality. Listen, you know me. I'm an old geezer 61 I don't know what's gonna happen. I can't control my emotions anymore but I pop a blue chew and I know exactly what's cracking, you know I'm saying and I'm 61 guys. I'm still here. You pop one of those you carry me in your wallet

You see a victim boom. There you go. You're jumping up and down everybody likes the color blue You know I'm saying and the thing about blue chew is everything is done online so you don't have to step foot in a doctor's office or Pharmacy and pay those ridiculous prices. This is a lot easier Just meet with one of our licensed medical providers and you'll get the prescription within a few days by the weekend Forget about it. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. It's unbelievable. Now. Listen Bluechew wants you to have better sex Discover your options at Bluetooth.com.

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