Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - You don't have to be an amputee to be interesting

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the people watching at casinos, lot lizards and track lizards, burps so bad they woke up Joey's wife, and how Joey forgot who the hell Uncle Joey was for a while, but now he's back! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

And then two weeks later, you're driving back and all of a sudden you got three straight troopers behind you and some Chinese guys saying he did it. He did it. You're like, what? I didn't do nothing. Jeez. What's happening, you savages?

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code Diaz to get 10% off and free shipping. Without further ado, it's time for the check-in. Turn out your TVs, run for your lives, it's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I could fucking rule the world. I feel you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to check-in! Oh Shit

On a Tuesday morning, you know I'm saying tip top motherfucking McGoo G How's it going over there? It's going great. I had a great weekend. How was yours? No, you up in Saratoga. Oh, yeah, I could all you bet the horses anything That's the most upsetting thing about I love going up. I've been up there like four or five times the track is open for like six weeks It's like yeah There's nothing And I've always been up there like right before right after I've been to that track once that's I Love going to the track with you in California track is fun Track is fun, man. I would have loved to have gone in the track. No fucking idea like

You know sometimes I think Well, everything gets a bad taboo and listen We have a lot of bad taboos. People are addicted to the internet. People are addicted. Some people like gambling. Look, no matter what you do, some people like snorting coke. Some people like, you know, whatever.

Whatever the fuck you're going to do, you know, we laughing about. That's like, no, that's not a minor one. That's a pretty big one. What's that? You're like, some people maybe gamble a little bit. Some people snort a lot of cocaine. You like, you want to rehab, but now everybody gets mad at cocaine. Some people go to rehab and people get mad at heroin and prescription pills.

Some idiot fucking bets, you know, the wrong move after people told them and now he loses his house and he has to move with his mother You know everything is a fucking taboo lately like everybody Now, you know a million people give me taste of and I pay this with all my heart because I get a lot of shit for it. I Personally like draft kings. I have met people on the street that have come up to me and said, dog, I had a boring life till I got on draft king. And you're right. The guy goes, I've been on there for two years. I go, so this is the only site. He goes, nah, you talked about it on your church days. And I signed up and I'm still with him. Jamie from Rogan, you know,

he lives in Texas. He loves draft kings when he's out of the fucking state when he travels with Joe whatever They have limits you could set people have no idea what they're fucking talking about and there is a lot that the The thing that concerns me with gambling That I read about it and I saw an expose on 60 minutes is the video games You know the Pokers and all that shit

A lot of teams have something a light that really drives women crazy Over the last couple years women have gotten more addicted and gotten in trouble with gambling than men actually Because they get addicted to those games You know listen when I call Lee and I go Lee Memphis is playing Brooklyn tonight The line is eight and you go it's eight and a half when New York the line goes up a half a point and I bet 300 times that's 1500 if I win and The line goes up a half a point and I bet 300 times. That's 1500 if I win and 1800 if I lose. I gotta have the money for you on Thursday.

I can make that call with zero money in the bank and zero coming in like I did a thousand times. That's the bad part of gambling. Now you gotta meet the guy on Thursday Thursday now you don't have his 300 So he juices you and now it's gonna take you a year to get out of that Right and that gambling is bad. I actually like The set limits There's a timer you could put on there

If you go to the casino. There's so many different things If you have overactivity, they'll send you a fucking email dog It's right. Not right, you know, so I Respect that more than anything, you know, you were talking about the track. How much did we giggle at the track? Oh, that's it. That was it's the best you go eat. It's not even about gambling But if I bring you this track down here I got a track 20 minutes from my house Lee really but it's real I Love those. It's people to see them. They yell. Oh, yeah Baters in them and fucking wheelchairs and people pickpocketing you and people

Borrowing a dollar. It's real Jack. Oh, that's I used to gamble a lot Like I like I see and then you those are the people that gambling like man I used to go to commerce. I went to place. What's the casino? Nla got raided by the FBI? I Was there the next day? Like I went like it's like people there take it they fucking take it serious Like at some of them and they like they get mad if you play wrong Like I would love to see the track by your house to just see like the people who like I

Can just go nuts and like they like they're hitting themselves with their tickets. I had a guy hitting. It's it's it's this. Listen, I used to go to the metal lands, which I have not been to. I went to a concert there this last year. OK. Besides that, I haven't gone to gamble at the metal lands. And even though I had to walk home two times from metal ends, because I lost everything with my friends.

Those were the best times I ever had. I swear to God, I'd go down there with the small 40. And if I could stay for six races, I was happy. Yeah, I had no dough when I was 18 and 19. I'd take two twenties. I take 220s If I lost all my money, but I ate a bowl of clam chowder And a beer I won for the fucking day Yeah, it took all day. That's why like it's fun. And you know, I don't know anything about

Like the horses down to you do I don't even dog. I haven't smelled the horse in years Do you do I don't even dog. I haven't smelled the horse in years What the fuck do I know but you go you pick your daughter's birthday, right? No birthday. You look at the things they have little, you know, I don't know I forget a lot of shit if they're bleeders You have to look for a steroid that they give them. This is all, I'm not up to that shit, Lee. So for me, I would go to the ATM, I'd pull out 60 bucks and I'd go to the track with you. Yeah. And last for however long it lasts.

So Joey, why would you take the limit out? Because I know I'm a fucking loser. So if I know I'm a loser, I go in there for entertainment, but I go in there looking for entertainment. Listen, anytime you go to all of those places, you just fucking people watch. How many times did I sit with you in a casino, put $20 on a slot machine, that you know, a quarter of peace, I'm there for an hour Do you think I wanted to be there for an hour pulling and smelling smoke and hearing Chinese people yelling and shit? No But I'm a comedian and I like to people watch So you and I Dog why do you think I would pull a quarter once I got bored?

Then I move up to a dollar and get the fuck out of that light absorb You know, you're watching people in their natural habitat. You're watching a woman whose 480 pounds looks like me in a wheelchair, she's barely living, but she has enough life to pull that fucking arm or to hit that button 80 times. And you learn from that, you're watching that,

you're like, wow wow that's human nature This guy's missing two legs He's got an eye patch But he's got that one eye on that fucking blackjack table You know you see the most interesting people you don't have to be an amputee Could be interesting what I'm saying is that you know They come in with weird fruits. You see the women there with that doing drugs.

Talk. I used to go to metal. We would get so fucked up on the stairway. You just smoke. We did everything. Coke, drank eight pills out there In between races you go out to the fucking stairway metal ants and there'd be 80 people up there That'd be a guy getting a blow job at the bottom of the stairs from some because they got those chicks

That's some dick at the track. Oh, yeah, it's a real track. Yeah, you'll see him. What do they look like? You know Again, I never want to mail modeling contest, but when you start taking the track, you what? If you start taking the track, I think you've, you've fallen a little far. Just outside of the track. It's a great market because you get them while they're hot and there's no fronts. You just want the trifecta give me that small 40 and I'll make how fucking suck your dick to your toenails come on You know I'm saying

It's not a bad scam and if you get 10 winners at 50 a piece you made the small 50 the small 500 there was nine races you made 40 you made 450 and Hopefully somebody gives you a tip you know what I'm saying Thank you. It'd be nice. Holy shit. It's What about the girls that hang out the truck that stops? Yeah, the lot with you start driving in the Midwest and you say one night fucking I'm gonna drive overnight You pull into a truck stop You go in you get some fucking a sandwich a bag of chips

And when you come back to your car as you're getting into your car some chick creeps out from in a fucking muffler Because you don't see it. I mean you're an high alert. There's truckers people selling meth, you know And all of a sudden you walk out there and as you go in your car Some fucking 17 year old runaway will come up to you and go, hi, are you looking for a date? And you're like, ooh, and you just slam that car door and fucking drive. It's two in the morning, you might get mugged.

But once you start going on those fucking trucker stops, a lot of trans, a lot of guys with wigs just sucking dick out there. And the truckers, they don't care. Who's gonna rat on them? They've been in the truck for three days. Rascal smells like coffee, Brett. You know, and now some little fucking meth chick has given blowjobs out at these places.

I never do. Do you think I saw that? Do you ever think I read about that? I never do nothing about that. It was a son. I probably saw it when I was like from 95 to like 2000, not even, I lived in Seattle till 97. So like 94 to 97, I remember one time on the triple run

from Idaho, there was two of them. I didn't- Two of them, like two little runaways there. Fuck. You know, right by the fucking door, by the 7-Eleven or whatever it is, Jack's hotdog stand and diesel stop, well, I mean, when you look at that, you go,

you know, how many times did I go to one of those places in the Midwest, and I went in and the place was, you know, the places like that like 20 years ago that had nothing at the place wasn't like the Chick-fil-A's there and right Starbucks you got coffee that was fucking cold and shit hot dog on a roller. Well, somebody would always ask me if I was looking for drugs Really? Yeah, I Think they're too cuz I've stopped at a bunch of them recently. I think they're like probably pretty locked down now.

But maybe there's a place it's all. That's a big fucking big, you know, and I'm not saying it happened at every truck stop. Right. I'm talking about maybe four times in 30 fucking years, but it opened my eyes to what the fuck is out there. I have a buddy named Brad who does it. Who's been a trucker for years and he told me he was out. He's had a truck stop once and saw one of those get out of a truck and use like

puddle water to clean herself up. Yeah. Of course, he went back to her neck. You sleep on animals. They're animals out there. You know, it's a different fucking world, but you just think about all these things like that. People put a taboo on that taboo unless you go overboard with That's what makes them fucking my boo When you bet the fucking because the guy at the hot dog stand tells you that You know even pussy is great, but if you eat 20 pussy something's gonna happen to your throat You know, you're gonna sound like a singer with a bad fucking

Something's gonna happen to your throat. You know, you're gonna sound like a singer with a bad fucking. I just, I'm laughing because you're like, listen, it's okay to have hot dogs sometimes. And then also you should keep it, take it easy on the lot lizards. There's something that you probably shouldn't do. What lot lizards?

The girls at the truck stop. Well, listen, if you fucking girl at the truck stop you got mental problems If you bang one of those creatures, and I don't care how fucking horny you are What you call her a creature What do they call them a creature? Yeah, if you fuck one of those creatures, it's on you Jack It's on you. have an option you have a Conscious you have a lot of things listen. I've had a thousand opportunity to do creepy fucking things Yeah, who the fuck are you kidding you go on the road and you see what happens and what pops up in front of you

And I'm not listen it takes to the tango Maybe I was out there looking for it But You know you got an opportunity to fucking act like fool and Then two weeks later you're driving back and all of a sudden you got three straight troopers behind you and some Chinese guys saying he did He did it. You know what I didn't do nothing Holy shit, I can't imagine You would get like I don't know every how many weekends like every three weekends We have some crazy shit happen or like a couple times a year

Every week. Holy. Every week. Something happened that you got to scratch your head and whether I got, you know, I don't remember all the things. Remember, I was going on a bus to a lot of these gigs. I didn't have no Maserati. I had no plane on call. I was taking a bus.

And that's a complete different set of creepiness. Oh, yeah That's a complete difference creepiness and the bus stations are crazy, too Especially if you're taking like a late night 1 a.m. Bus You remember that bus I took from Bakersfield After I broke up with Paula, I did a show on Bakersfield and this girl was at the show and I thought like it was like my only creepy thing they ever had. Like she kept saying she wanted to hang out and like the other comment was like you should definitely bring her to my house.

We went there and then like you used to make fun of some of the girls I dated for being quiet and like not talking. She didn't talk at all. And like finally, I was like, hey, I let Augustino drive home. I didn't take my own car. And I took a 1 AM Greyhound from Bakersfield to downtown LA. And I sat next to this dude eating like African food. And I was just staring at my Google maps on my phone watching

the little dot go all the way to LA it took like two three hours or something oh and then I'd get an Uber from like the downtown LA but like the bus stop oh in in Bakersfield at midnight is not a happy place to be now there's no listen there's no bus stop In the country at midnight that anybody's happy Okay, you ain't whistling Dixie had a fucking buck stop at 11 o'clock at night when your bus don't leave till 5 Everything is closed in that bus terminal Right everything and there's five other guys sitting there 30 yards from each other the only thing that wakes those guys up is when a little duck comes on the pond like some runaway that shy or Some wife with a black eye that's got luggage. She's leaving

And that's when these five dudes perk up and go oh I've been in this bus station lonely as a motherfucker and all of a sudden they try to be helpful and shit You're like oh This lady ain't gonna make it out of Buffalo. She ain't making Look at that guy. She's talking to that's not good Maybe I should save no Yeah, the bosses are a weird place And well, oh

My body was on a he was doing a gig in like Maine and he took a video they have buses from Boston to New York for 499 like what do you like there's only one or two seats on it that are 499 but what kind of people like I saw like there's what they want there with chickens and that pet snake You gotta sit next to a guy with a pet snake who's a psychic Life like dog there's so much Listen, I've been in that predicament tons of time. I'm not this is why I could laugh at it freely You know, you want a fun bus?

Yeah, like the L.A. 1105 to El Paso at one fifty five in the afternoon bus, then you get back to me. So it's fourteen hours straight on a bus. Straight. You stop in. New Mexico, maybe. That's it. That's it? That's it.

That's it. You wake up like at seven in the morning in New Mexico. The best is when you pass out, cause you don't go to bed at night. You don't get on the bus at 11 and go to bed unless you got a drug problem, unless you're turning yourself into the authorities. I got one eye open the whole night.

I got double batteries. I got the iPod I'm fucking doing something, but I ain't sleeping. I don't sleep though It breaks me so everybody else on the bus is sleeping. That's when I go to sleep Okay, pass out like a four and also that's seven that throwing you off the bus in New Mexico, which fucking cold out You got to go outside. There's no fucking two egg breakfast. It's a fucking dude, don't speak any English.

Just hooping it, you know. See, por favor, egg, you know, whatever the fuck it is. You're eating like shit, then you get back on this bus. It's, but I was doing it in the lover for the love of comedy Like I wouldn't go visit my grandmother if I had to take a bus, you know I'm saying Like somebody called me and said Joey. I'm dying. You got to take a 22-hour bus drive You're on your own Jack because 22 hours with my love you'll die at the 19th hour. You know, call me the week. Let me know.

You may be pissed, but for the love of comedy, you know, I get on that bus. Right. And how long were you taking buses for? Do you think? Well, listen, I would alternate. OK, sometimes I could afford a plane ticket. Sometimes I could afford a high end, but, you know, I think I took one train.

I tried to train. That was a fucking nightmare. You know, you can't smoke on the train. Fucking the light is going everywhere. It's windy and shit. I did the train, fucking. The light is going everywhere, it's windy and shit. I did it all, man. You know, got in a car with people that I shouldn't have gotten into.

You know, this is love of standup. This is of loving of what you do. You're single, you have nothing on your calendar. And this is when you listen to those songs by Bon Jovi and fucking the other guy fucking Bob Sieg about being on the road. And that's what it's like. It's you alone, you know, in those years that gives you a lot to think about. And for me at that time, it's what I needed. I needed to figure out my life. Why not do it at a Greyhound bus station? You know what I'm saying? That's crazy. I do okay. I stay at like not great places sometimes if I'm paying for it myself

but I've never taken a bus. Do you think I I should like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna take a 14-hour bus, but I'm going like three or four hours. I just do a bus Yeah, right get a high-end bus that gives you internet listen man. I Got on the train maybe the year before The pandemic okay, we'll try we'll go up and down the East Coast on the train And I'm not gonna lie to you it was a bit pricey Full trauma go up and down the east coast on the train And I'm not gonna lie to you. It was a bit pricey It's gone down. It's gone down, but it was at that time I'm not you know, you look at one, but then you get to the train and you're like, this is fucking great. Oh

There's a waitress who brings your food if you want. I mean you're not gonna get fucking Laps to fuck them whatever but they got something for everybody on the train. It ain't gonna fucking kill you It was great Philadelphia train station. Oh my god Yeah, it's hard to leave that jack. They got everything in that motherfucker. Oh Is that the one with all the food? Yeah DC then great those bus stations. So if I was still doing what I was doing If I was a smart dude, I would go, you know what I'm doing a train tour Yeah, whatever the train takes me it starts up by where you were last week Providence Providence and it goes all the way down that train goes right to Providence

It's a little into Boston too. Yeah, you could do that train and do a week on the road with that train seven What I Because I'm taking that train all the way down I think I think it goes all the way to Florida if you wanted to that's a little far I'm trained, you know, I'm not taking going down a floor. I'm those highs like DC three four hours, you know Right, I haven't expressed sometimes high as like DC three four hours, you know, right? Have an express sometimes. What I did that for the first time last time I went to New York, that is great. That's a great

like an it cuts like an hour off because I've I've sat in first class on the train like you were just talking about but I've also I sit mostly in coach. I have the $19 tickets and they're to be honest with you, not bad at all. You're not moving into the fucking thing Always remember if you know, you got to dress accordingly if I'm traveling for 19 hours Joey to get to your gig You know Lee take a little care of me upgrade my thing Get me a bidet in the fucking toilet, whatever, you know But if you only on a train for three hours, hours why you buying a first-class ticket, right? If you drive it, you're actually comfortable. You open up your fucking computer laptop. You put your earphones on

You put Netflix on you're good to go. You don't need no fucking first-class ticket. You still got Wi-Fi Yeah, it's fucking I like the drill. I take it a lot every time I got I never drive to New York anymore No, and driving in New York. Listen up. I take it a lot every time I got I never drive to New York anymore. No and driving in New York Listen, I'm scared of going into the city anymore. You know, it's just and not that I'm scared of the crime or anything It's just such a fucking I don't go in there enough To justify what I got to put up with I was spoiled as a young man. I could just tiptoe over Now those days a little gun. It's a 40 minute fucking drive.

So, but I want to talk to you about this weekend. Okay. Well, last, last Wednesday night, I don't know what I did. I fucking, you know, my daughter wanted, she likes to. The Japanese shit, the box, not the bento box, but they have a deck big obachi. Okay, that's good. It is really good there And I'm like, all right, let's go to fall Bachi. I wasn't I wasn't hungry enough To get the whole obachi steak. So I said, you know what? I'm gonna get a soup and a salad a nice clear soup And I'm gonna get myself a little sushi maybe a roll and two pieces of white tuna

Because they don't have albacore here. It's not like LA tuna, you know, I Go in there. I eat the two pieces of tuna. I had the soup fucking salad was great Soup was even better the clear soup with the mushrooms and shit. I do. Yeah, great And then I ate the sushi, but you know what I was full So I left like two pieces of sushi boom I Come back pop pop out with talk and I get high whatever we go to bed and at three o'clock I Get up on my sleep apnea mask on I think I'm gonna puke. Oh No, I just get up to the edge of the table and I just want to see where I'm at

I bring the garbage can close to me. I take a water bottle out of it And I take the mask off and I'm like, oh my god, am I gonna get sick? And all sudden I got up and dog. I have no reason to lie to you or the viewers. I let out a burp It was like a double burp like it was like boop and then just like it came out a double burp like it was like and then just like it came out and I started gagging and my wife was sleeping and she actually woke up and said what is that smell and I go I'm something's wrong with my stomach it was a burp she's like oh my god and that went to the bathroom and I was driving and a little fart came out of my ass right and it smelled

so fucking bad because the fart with jeans on and you know, it cuts it. It's like cocaine. You cut it what I not so thought. Right. When that fart comes out of your ass with one level of defense, just a me undie. Oh, shot up. So now I'm trying to puke and that fart smells coming in. It was a double whammy dog. And from there on, I did not recover. My nose kept fucking gripping. I kept barfing. Not in barfing. I'm not gonna lie. I did not recover my nose kept fucking gripping I kept barfing not I didn't barf at all I'm not gonna lie I'm gonna say two little barbs I did but nothing like exorcist nothing like that the main problem was the burping and the farting with a little couple like shits that got stuck

you know those shits that you sit there for 20 minutes You're pushing you're pushing you're pushing and it's just a little rat tail It just lands and it sticks up on the bite before it goes into the lake. It just picks up Maybe two inches you're like I've been here for 10 minutes for two inches to come out that must be hard So it had to be something that got stuck like a bad piece of salmon or something So do you think that's what woke you up? It's like you smelled your like one of the first burps and you like No, I won't my stomach was actually fucking just about to blow up. I thought I was gonna puke Yeah, but you actually okay, but my burps made you sick. Oh my god, and then Thursday. I didn't feel it all day

And then Friday I did not feel it. I couldn't do much on Friday. Friday night I had a little bit of a temperature. Stayed up half the night. Saturday I got up early. I went to the girls game. They fucking won them in the championship next week. Nice. And after that my day was fucking ruined Saturday like for five hours in the middle and Then I ate something Saturday night and I started feeling better yesterday. I was still drippy And then today, you know, I'm tipped off my goon a fucking Monday because you gotta be That's crazy. Do you Anything that was a sushi? I don't know.

I don't want to blame it on that. They're talking about this flu in the Northeast, but I don't think it was really that. I don't know. I just didn't feel good. I couldn't focus. I was supposed to meet friends all weekend and go eat out of cancel twice.

That sucks. It's puking is the worst. But Sunday is fucking 60 degrees. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It was awesome. I shaved, I washed my monkey. I wasn't feeling tip top, Magoo. So I just went for a walk and I got a little sun.

You gotta get some vitamin D. I'm sitting out there. I'm not gonna meet the girls till four o'clock. And I go and I got an hour to kill. So I called one of my nephews and he told me a weed store to go. And I go, it's time for me to go to a weed store. Just what they got, you know. So I went to Zen leaf and motherfucking Neptune.

Oh, cool. Tremendous. Great people. So I went to Zenleaf and motherfucking Neptune. Oh, cool. Tremendous. Great people, huge. Big difference in the California. The places I went to, cause this does a lot more volume. These places got 12 people working.

Oh yeah, they're huge. They're huge, you know. I got a couple quarters. I got like an explodable joint and I got this This is hysterical because Is what it says it says rso I'll never that kind of the soil made with premium flyer oil applicator dab liquor dab liquor tour and fly it. Oil applicator dab licator dab licator and this is the line that kills me

because I know people would throw this away right off the bat. This is a high potency product and may increase your risk for psychosis. I'm in. You know, what are you warning me about this? This is a fucking Gentiles. This is for people who fucking, you know, wear the tightsuits with the brown shoes. The intoxicating effects of this product may be delayed for two or more hours. Whoa, let me tell you something, I can't, I couldn't even wait to open this.

I know. It's like a fucking pen. Okay, and what do you do with it? You take this off, you set how much you want. I'm going for the look at that. Oh yeah. Weep. Holy shit. When you push this motherfucker through. Oh, so you just had, holy shit, you just had some oil yeah, I thought I was like a smoking pen Isn't that what they give the cancer patients? What they give who answer patients Listen if it's good enough for cancer patients enough uncle Joey you visit the shit that killed my goomba this is what I need you know I'm saying

my goomba I think that's what they give that's crazy that's awesome though have this the first time you tried it yeah obviously you don't see me with this thing I may believe I'm a pen I'm gonna try to get like darts I can shoot at people put like a syringe in this motherfucker and just blasted I might I can't trust you on any drinks now It's time to see the devil I tried it yesterday. Oh, that's why I asked you I Didn't just open it today. I tried it yesterday how to work It was good and gave me a kick, but I got a headache later on in the middle of the night but it was good enough it was worth the headache.

Jesus Christ. I've never, I've never tried what's in the oil. It was really cool. You know man, I got to start doing a lot more. In what way? I think this winter shut me down a little bit. I was getting depressed, yeah, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I'm like, you know what, the fucking winter here is brutal. And the rain sometime, like, you know, I like to go up north.

I like to mingle up, maybe go to a Cuban restaurant. The last couple weeks, I haven't done any of that. You know, I've been very local. And yesterday I said, let me just take a ride. It was fucking beautiful, you know, I've been very local. And then yesterday I said, let me just take a ride. It was fucking beautiful, you know, you gotta fucking get out there. But there were really nice people, Chris took care of me, you know, security was great, you know,

the customers were great. So I found myself a little fucking home to go to once a week, just walk around, see what they got. The weed ain't bad. And as a matter of fact, I'll tell you why I went. The last year I've been smoking off the fucking dope chain. Listen, when we were together, we were getting the best of the best every day.

I was walking in there with jars of shit every day. You always went to the store. You know, and it's it kills me sometimes that I Gotta get up in the morning and get high in the morning to get my day going But then when I go back to the bomb in the afternoon nothing happens Jesus, you know and sometimes I go back like at six or seven and then I get the party started And something happens, you know, but nothing to take me over like to call you and go oh my god I'm having the best hot foot sundae I've ever had in my life. Nothing like that

Okay, so I was talking to a friend of mine. He goes Joey go backwards for a while He goes take that good stuff put it to the side, and just smoke regular stuff, lower it, take a chance for two or three days, let your body get assimilated with it again, and just smoke that on occasions. Well, listen, I'm alive. Every day for me is an occasion. You know what I'm saying?

Right. Right, come from, you smoke 35% weed on a fucking daily. You're not gonna take a day off because today's my bad breath day. I'm just a smoke weed that gives me a headache. Fuck you. No! Fuck. It's true, I'm just a little weed that gives me a headache. Fuck you. It's true. I'm running out of shit this morning.

Because I was going to say three days is not enough to like reset your tolerance. And you're not going to smoke this shit for a week or so. I mean, listen, this weed is very good. It's a strong indica. Again, it's not what we were used to getting. But the problem is that all these weeds are fucking, they're all hydrating them on me. I'm a fucking high end indica guy.

You know, I don't want to say, I know that you need this little bit of sativa to make it grow, but I like, I want to go to sleep. And I don't like smoking purples either. I get a fucking- What's wrong with purples? My eyes itch. What's that?

You know, eyes itch, you's that? I'm taking my eyes itch. What's that? I'm taking my eyes itch. You're allergic to purple, you think? I don't know, man, but anyway, I got a lot of mental problems, and this is why I help these people out from time to time, and I'm also a customer. Let's take a quick break and welcome BetterHelp onto the show.

All right, now that we took a break, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, I can't say enough good things about BetterHelp. Life is about setting boundaries for yourself and BetterHelp can make it easier. BetterHelp's online therapy is tremendous. In other words, Magnifiqueek, their licensed therapists can help you work through life's problems Take care better care of yourself and spend time Your time the way you want it. Listen ever since I worked at better help. You see me. I'm a different man I do not care what comes first is Uncle Joey and everybody else stays online It's all over the shouting better help is totally online and tailored to fit your schedule. Set your own appointment dates and times.

You can meet with your therapist over the phone, video call, or even via text message. Whatever makes you feel comfortable, okay? You can find your social sweep spot with BetterHelp. Do me a favor. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z to get 10% off your first month, and I'm gonna tell you something There's no stigma in disguise Sometimes life just moves too fast and you got to slow it down

This is the way to do it That's better help HELP.com Slash Diaz and turn it around today again. Thank you for supporting the check in and I want to thank Better help for having our back now back to the show We're back and don't forget to visit better help if you got problems. All right What happened brother, I just want to say I just joined up first session this week So I'll tell you guys about it next time. Good for you, man. I'm excited.

Any issues I should know about? No, no, ones that you haven't done in a while. I did it in LA for a couple of years in person, and it was really hard, like, you know, to make time, and like, especially in LA traffic, take it down there, and now you can do it from your phone. So I'm excited to see what that's like. I've heard good things about it.

I enjoyed it, but after a couple weeks you... Listen, man, we're all very... I don't know. I think I am from the pandemic. We're all very... You know, I didn't go back on stage right away after the pandemic. And I got to see people little by little, but I could tell like after it was rough on me. And it was really rough on me when I knew there was jujitsu around here. And I started feeling weird and I'm, that's why I'm so happy.

September 21st, I took that decision and I walked up those stairs and went to the Gracie school because I remember leaving there after the first private with Sean and I was free or something. And then that night I had to go to that premiere and there was 2000 people in that movie theater. So I was hoping, I was doing, everything was sitting next to each other.

I'm like, I'm gonna die cause of a fucking premiere, you know, and then I lived and nothing happened. But I went once a week and I could tell just from him and I like throwing, doing throws, you know, impeaching me moves, I was feeling better, you know, like I needed, I don't know what I needed. I didn't know, but I know that whatever I wasn't getting wasn't working. It's nice to talk things through with someone.

Yeah, sometimes, you know, I wouldn't mind doing three on and one off, like come in and let's talk one day a month. And then it makes it easier the rest of the month. You're working on those things. That's what I thought after I got off. Right. You don't need it every week sometimes. Listen man, this Zoom and telehealth shit, I think it went a little too far. In what way? We're very dependent on it like us, you know, with 2,000 miles away from each other, you know,

we're not going to drive into the city of rendezvous in the middle to do three episodes, then you gotta bang them out. People get mad at you for not putting them up fresh and talking, you know. So you have to be involved with it. At our point, we can't. You have a day job, I got respond, you know,

a friend of mine called me that day for a podcast, which I'm really interested in doing. But the problem is it's gonna be for me to do it. It's I got to leave here at 10 in the morning. It's your whole day. And it's my whole day. And that's what people have no idea about. It's not driving around the corner to the church no more. And stopping at the wheat store. I could leave my house for the quarter to stop at the wheat store and be there five after two and the guest would be walking in with me This would be fucking it just wouldn't work I could probably do it for three weeks and then I'd have to

Go something, you know Things change. Yeah things change a lot and people have no idea, you know so And people have no idea, you know, so But yeah, I I was thinking about you this weekend because I almost burned I almost burned down my fucking hotel room That I've been trying to be better. So I got a hotel that you can cook in I Had I got a steak from the grocery store And I had one of the hotel room had one of those pocket doors because I've set off the smoke alarm in a hotel before. And it's fucking a pain in the ass. And so this time I cooked it in the bathroom

and the pocket door wouldn't open. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you cooked it in the bathroom. I didn't want to set off the smoke alarm. Can you believe what I live with? These, if I didn't do this podcast, these are the calls I get at 10 o'clock at night when I'm focusing on nice and high I cook the steak in the bathroom you like I didn't want to sit off the smoke alarm. I've done that for prison and I didn't cook a steak in the fucking bathroom. Okay, I Didn't I did all like I'm like the sink area didn't do it anywhere gross

Listen anything in a hotel bathroom is fucking gross. What am I supposed to do? Set the alarm off, take the battery out of the fucking alarm. I don't think you can do that. Yes, you can. Did you ever cook in a hotel? All the time. Are you fucking nasty?

I'm not cooking in the hotel. I don't even like to make food to my hotel room Your room fucking stinks. You got to be in there for three more fucking days Now I got chinese room garbage. I got chinese food leftovers And my fucking garbage smells like ching su's house I'm gonna get a fucking headache Really? Okay. I like yeah, I Whatever I did like save money on the road

Yeah, eating your car. That's how you save money, but I Even you're cooking a fucking eight course meal in your room. It wasn't a course meal I had cooked one steak and had they had a microwave so I could have some like frozen veggies. Oh Jesus Christ And when you cook the steak in They had a hot plate with a pan. It wasn't like it's like I got a hotel. They had like a little kitchen You should have just put the steak on the grill and not you know the the thing you didn't have to use it's gross Everyone else cooks on that at least the pan was clean. I just didn't want to set it off. I I just didn't want to set it off.

I'm surprised. I'm so I thought you would have cooked something like trying to save money. What do you do on the road? I went to subway. Is that why you hate subway so much? Cotton, but then they had the, they had the, the seafood salad back then. So they had the seafood salad, which is really you know Who knows what it is? Yeah But that's it. Yeah, and then I just went meatless. I just went veggie and cheese for years a

Footlong veggie and cheese used to be like fucking two dollars with a cookie and a soda I haven't been in there But like even like any any time I go anywhere It's like a $15 sandwich. I bet at the $15 foot long now. I would Surprise at least I ain't goofing on you cuz you cook the steak in your room. We would know I know I Don't care. It's gotta be and this is what I say to you man. It's a you know We had a conversation last week you and I and I told you that Comedy is fucking great.

I adore it, man. And I always did. And you know, we talk about bus rides and planes and hitchhiking. I did it all to get to my gig, you know? It was a different time, man. Okay. But right now Like Listen, nothing really changed when I went to Seattle my first feature weekend paid $450

And no shows Five About the same I Five About the same Nothing has changed Okay, you know that week paid because I lived at home How much is it? Yeah but I Told you I had to work three weeks if you got a plane ticket you got to stay there for three weeks

I had to work three weeks if you got a plane ticket you got to stay there for three weeks Is that's the only way you're gonna make the money back and in between but Joey what do I do on Monday through Wednesday? figure it out Figure it out. There's always the butt station, but like I've always told you if you make it down to Florida The universe is watching you're gonna do an open mic at a bar, tell some guy you're staying at a hotel, he'll tell you that's a disgusting place, come on, come to my basement.

My grandmother will cook for you for two days, there's an open mic in Kendall tomorrow night. That's what happens, but you're not gonna know that before you go. Right, you can't plan it. You know, and it's always, I swear to God, you're saying how I made a living sometimes Was what I had left over on Sunday and if I had money left over on Sunday

It was because you know, it was just something was taken care of You know, I didn't know like when you did triple runs The hotel nine out of ten times if you were there Sunday morning and you wanted to stay next to day They'd only charge you 20 bucks. Oh That's nice. No one does that anymore. I go. What about Monday another 20 fuck it. I'll just stay here till Wednesday What am I gonna drive home eight hours and stay back? I gotta be around the corner. I'm fucking Wednesday again Fuck it. I'll just stay here for four days and now you got to adapt in some town You don't know nothing about and you're gonna have the best time in your life

You're gonna go get pancakes, you know, pop-pop-pop mingle that Monday night. Maybe they have a jazz night You know a couple guys playing the guitar ukulele Whatever and also you're like, what are you doing in town? I'm a comic. I'm playing. Oh, yeah, get up on stage. And you're like, holy shit, I'm doing Saturday on a Monday night at a fucking bar with three toothless guy. Who cares? That's part of the fucking journey. Right. And that night, listen, for all the stakes, I missed all those years and lobster tails. They made up. They made up. Cause Joe Rogan bought me more steaks than my mother.

And she was around for 16 years. Joe broke her record. So for every one of those steaks that you missed, you're gonna get them later on. And trust me, on the road, you could be a fat fuck because you could turn into a fat fuck because if you eat the comedy food you're done If you eat that every chicken sandwich you eat that's fucking disgusting

You eat three or not, you know, even if you try to eat healthy, I'll have the chicken sandwich What you bite into that grilled chicken it tastes like bat meat. You think it's fucking vampire season of some shit in that restaurant What the fuck am I eating this poison for? And was it were there like because for me, there's that, but it's also like the travel part of comedy is also like not half, but it's a good chunk of what's exciting about going on the road. And like I always like, you know, I'm a fact. I want to go and see like find out what the best restaurant is.

Not necessarily like the most expensive, but like go like go find like you know wings and buffalo or like Listen, let's say you go to fucking Kentucky, right? You're not gonna call me and go. I can't find the fucking What's the people chipotle, right? Why I hope you don't find it I hope you don't find it you're in good you're in Kentucky go get some local flair, right? Yeah, look at a piece of cornbread whatever that you know I hope you don't find you in Kentucky. You're in Kentucky. Go get some local flair, right? Yeah Look at a piece of cornbread whatever that you know, whatever the flair is but Joey I don't like it. So what just go to the hotel just go to the restaurant talk to those people And you'll see how nice the area is

And you go Jesus these people don't have much and For entertainment, you know But they're happy. Yeah. You see how people are in different places and they're fucking happy. And not alone, that does something to your soul. Cause you're thinking that you're happy.

You're thinking you're happy. And then you see these people who have a truck and a farm and a chicken in the backyard and They're fucking happier than you are Yeah, I was I love doing that's my literally my favorite place to do shows is where there isn't much else to do Yeah, I like going to New York New York is awesome I like going to major cities, but like I've done shows in barn like one of the best shows I did last year was in a barn Like it's just like like those places where there's not. Like one of the best shows I did last year was in a barn. Like it's just like those places where there's not much else

to do, the audiences are way better. It's like if you go on the road, like let's say you do a show in Nebraska, for your intro, just tell somebody, tell the MC go, tell them I was an extra on the episode of friends. All right. When you get off stage, some fucking blonde dits will be there.

Three quarters in drunk should come up to you and go. Were you really an extra in the friends? Yeah, you could just make up a scene. You just make it a scene when Joey went to the coffee shop and he slipped on a banana peel. Oh my God, was that you? You look so handsome. Can I buy you a drink?

Would you like to come over and talk to my friends? Hi, he's an extra on friends. Okay, and they're like, ah! Really? What was it like? What was Doty like? What other fucking name is Doty? What's the name of that fucking?

Who's Doty? I don't know, one of the girls, the long one. Phoebe? Phoebe, whatever, Doty, Dodie? I don't know one of the girls the long one Phoebe Phoebe whatever Dodie Phoebe I don't fucking know Holy shit. Yeah, no, I did Omaha, but yeah, you're talking like deep like that would be fun. I said I that was my I Was gonna do that when I came back from LA like I thought was to get like an RV What did I could never I would kill myself in an RV. I can't see over an RV. But like that sounded fun to me. An art listen man.

And I'll tell you, I hope young comics are watching this. People talk about Mitch Hadburg a lot. One of the things that really, I always thought Mitch was very smart for doing. And I wish I had the chance to do it one time. He got in a Volkswagen bus and he drove across country and he did a guess at every comedy club he could. Yeah.

He wasn't even Mitch Hedberg then. He was starting to become Mitch but he figured if he do that, that's how you do it. You go, I'm gonna go take the whole summer off and I'm going coast to coast. I got a list of comedy clubs. I'll call them as I'm because if you call them three months ahead, they'll go call us in three months before you're in town.

Who are you? I'm just gonna fucking. I just left the mother ship, bitch. And I'm coming to, well, why are you coming here? Because I feel bad for you, motherfuckers. That's why I'm coming there and they'll fucking, you know, they'll come in and do a guess that really you at the disguise live from the mothership Wow, okay

That I mean that my thought was and this was like right when I was on my way home But everything was closed but my thought was like I would like live in like a city for a few months and Like really get into the scene. But you think just, he just did it quickly, like one or two nights in the city and then left. I mean, listen, Lee, anything you put into comedy or anything that you're doing is gonna pay off, maybe not today, but three or four years from now,

you're planting a seed now for the next four years, you water that motherfucker. Whether you went and pack your,'re going to get an RV. Go somewhere you're going to sign up in an RV camp. You connect the RV. They have groceries there. They have showers. They have a pool or gym facility.

And yeah, you could read by. I don't know where you would go. I'd rather you do more get more bang for your buck. Oh, and that's, and that is the one thing that I learned like here in Boston, because like my thought was to do like, cause those RV products, I looked into them, those RV parts are expensive.

Like sometimes like it's as expensive as getting like a cheap hotel sometimes, but like it takes. You commit to an RV, you commit to an RV. Right. You do an Asian tour and an RV. You get the dog. You take everybody. Oh, but it would, but like it, I think the guest spots, which I could probably do now are better because to get into like a, like really get into a scene can take, I think takes up to a year sometimes like really know where the shows are. You're just going through and doing a guest spot. Right.

You're just pumping up what you're putting too much thought into this. This is a hippie journey. This is a bag of weed getting the car put a fucking CD in. Where are we going tonight? You're not going to go to where you just came from. Right. So you drive 10 hours and stop and spend the night. Who cares? You burn that thing to you.

You're not gonna sit there with a piece of paper and go, we're gonna go through the 70 and then get to the year of the week of July because a thousand things could happen. Really? A thousand things. That's Really? How's that? That's exactly what I would have done. You know, and that's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna turn it into an anal run. I'm stopping at this hotel over here because no, just go. Just go. Okay. Every state, there's a comedy club, right? There's the most. Some cities have two of them in that You could get one set in every city. Arizona got 19 fucking comedy clubs

Do they not ten peas got like a Scotchdale? They got a lot of clubs now. Yeah, what are you worrying about? You know Tucson got one club. Is it worth going in there? Not really You know, you don't hire national headliners But you got Tempe you got fucking Southern California You got you know, there's gotta be a comedy club in Idaho, right? You know, there's got I know there's comedy clubs in Tacoma There's comedy clubs in Seattle. You know, they just fired all those guys There's Harvey's in Oregon, which you know, what are you gonna do with Harveys? But you got helium. You know, yeah, your league. And

that's what you're looking at. You just but you're not calling them and going, huh, I'm coming through July 13, 2020. I go fuck yourself. I got I got fucking Thompson girl in here selling selling tickets and you want to do a guest set in three months get the fuck out of here That's why I'm the element of suspense and if you don't get a guest set then you don't get a guest set But you're also gonna be watching this is what I'm saying to you. You're gonna go. Oh shit. Look who's it? We're headed to Chicago, but look who's in Milwaukee Right, Milwaukee, and I who's in Milwaukee. Right. Milwaukee, and I just got off the phone with him.

Let me do a get that. So what were you thinking about Chicago for? Right. You understand? So many fucking parameters. And this would be a no anal move. No anal, this is when you remove your Jewishness. Remove it.

Jesus Christ. That's hard. Well, Gatha, it's not hard. It's hard well gatha it's not hard It's not hard. This is what you're gonna have to learn to be a sensational comic is that life comes at you? Okay, I know you were supposed to be on your job Monday, but not this week Things change we're not coming into a Wednesday, maybe. Where are you? The phone's breaking up. I don't have to worry like that.

That's what comedy is. You're a fucking force of nature. That's what these fucking people understand. And then they want to hold you down. Hey, are you available? September 28th, my daughter's getting married. Listen, give me a fucking breathe. I look like I'm in wedding mode to you.

Send me a card, I'll put a yardstick in there and go on your way. Well, you really can't, no, I'm not going. I'm a comedian. You wanna pay me the small nickel to do 10 minutes? I'll do it, but I'm not fucking dropping this and spending two days at your family's wedding to waste time to hear the same shit I've heard

for the last 15 fucking years. Hope you're so. Yeah. And especially a mile of I get booked like the day before. What's that? I usually get booked like a day or two in advance. Like it's starting to get a little bit more further. When I lived in Seattle on the first I'd have one night. And I'd panic. I'd start to cry, I'm gonna pay rent, I'm gonna snort coke, you know what? Get on that fucking phone and start faxing motherfuckers and watch that month fill up.

And even though you called them last week, call them again. Really? Okay. Call them again. Hey man, Lisa, Lee, didn't you call here last week? Did I call you? Ha ha ha. I'm laughing, but it does what I haven't I try to do like once a month That's what I like that's like been my leg emails work, right? Yeah, you were draft Kings, right? Yeah

How many emails they send you a day? I'll turn okay? Okay, after you get the eighth one you look at and go let me see what's going on today. Oh look at that I Want a toaster I want something from them about two weeks ago. I still haven't gotten in the mail. Oh That's cool. Yeah, I want to blend it from them. I won Two speakers and put them in my garage when I hit the bag and do little jumping jacks the smoked open there. I won two speakers. I put them in my garage when I hit the bag and do little jumping jacks and smoked open there. I won a water bottle and I won something else. A yoga mat. Fuck.

How do you win things? What? How do you win things? I don't know. I haven't won one thing. They asked you to fill out for a free gift. They have promotional stuff. So let's say you opt into a package. They'll say you got a special gift. That's what it is Oh, cool. Okay. Oh, they'll give you there's a roulette wheel and you spin it and all you to give you 30% back for the day 15% of your losings for the day or a free gift a blender

And if you don't want that gift they left you pick and it's not bad little gifts like ear plugs You know ear buds and fucking Who don't know okay little fucking things It's a crazy fucking world we were talking about a couple weeks ago About how black people aren't getting insulted enough now. But now they're starting to insult themselves and starting to go at themselves. Look at this whole Diddy thing, biting people's ears and fingering back people. They're gonna put Diddy under the fucking jail, I think. Because all these people are worried about Diddy now. What about what happened to Mace?

That's the question you got to ask yourself. So all you people who love watching all this shit and ask Diddy what happened to mace? What's mace? Mace was there with with P Diddy with a puffy when he was alive. He was the guy with the little voice. I'm a young man with a name when I'm now he's a preacher. That motherfucker went from rapping with Biggie and puffy whatever his fucking name is to being a preacher that motherfucker went from rapping with biggie and Puffy whatever his fucking name is to being a preacher or something

That guy's taking a cock the taste of mouth out of his cock when you switch religions It's a take it to take the taste of cock out of your mouth when you become a preacher You put in the express envelope Jack This taste of cock is rotten the taste of fucking corn every time I eat Steak I taste cock even if I cook it in my bathroom. You know I'm saying Holy shit, I never heard of him. He was with him and then suddenly the preacher and then he just disappeared when they became a preacher You because they're saying he had like video cameras up in his house. Oh that dude's a freaking half Jennifer Lopez went for an HIV test yesterday. She's sweating

Fucker, you know That motherfucker these people guys You know man You you have these dreams as a young man who you want to be As an old man or whatever when you get older and you're like, you know, I want to be a man of power or I Want to be a CEO whatever a fuck dream you have, you know, okay? And then you attain it and then I don't know

These guys get fucking crazy man They can be crazy with the women and it's just unreal. And then these women wanna write letters, but they walk into a room where they got what, you know, with a mini skirt on, it's a weird fucking world out there. It's very weird. And that case with the, I haven't read into it.

I just, you know, whenever I see stupid shit, I look at it and I go, what the fuck? I don't even know who he raped. I don't know nothing about Puff Daddy. What I do know is that they're coming for him for the last fuck at eight months. And then I got to stop because now everybody's going to raise their hand.

There's some crazy shit going on there. And if they look deep, you know what, when they smoke this fire, they might find another shit out. So. And like, do you do you ever think I'm not him? It seems like he who knows? But like, do you believe like if you were like a Sam Tripoli and he'd say like, oh, this is they're going against like, do you believe like if you were like a Sam Triple and he'd say like, oh, this is

they're going against like, do you think there's people going after them or it's like all this stuff is true? You know, Lee, where they smoke this fire. I don't want you to cancel me over one. Well, we had this thing a couple months ago, January, where people had to file their grievances against people, right? Sexual assault or something. I don't know. I don't know. Steve and Tyler got accused. You ludic. Everybody got there. And listen, man, we all make mistakes. We all talk to people wrong. Sometimes maybe you got intoxicated. And the

girls got a mini skirt, you might say something in today's world, you might take offense to it. It's a different world out there. You know, listen, when you're in a spotlight like Diddy or any of those guys, when you date somebody, you know, everybody's watching, right? And it's just crazy that if one person accuses you, then it's you again. Not everybody's gonna like you. Not everybody's gonna like you, you know, and as long as you know that going in, but

once you start getting a lot, then people are gonna come at you. And once you start throwing that face, people people really gonna throw it at you And some people seek revenge by adding to a story, you know And then Nobody else jumps up you take that person to court you lose the settlement for the sake of and it goes away When ten people raised their fucking hands, you know, the Houston quarterback, that guy. Oh, Jesus Christ, wasn't that 200 or something? Yeah, like, you know, but again, at that point,

I think there was 50 of those women. He just told them that the titties were nice and they just wanted the cash out. You know, if you find out somebody's giving out cash, you're going over there, aren't you? right if I ain't is a broken ATM machine in fucking Southie that's spitting out 50s. You're gonna sit at home like a fucking faggot

No, you're gonna run down there and figure out why is this thing spitting fucking 50s out and how can I if I get 150 out of there make my day Right so You know you got to be careful I'm sure any day now an LA one's gonna break With the night boots or something. It's gotta they said those parties you have to sign like fucking things to go into them and you know I Don't want to go to any party where I got assigned something. Did you ever, did you ever feel like all the Hollywood parties?

Yeah. Did you see Craig? I never went to one of those. Did you like see Craig? You see him? You never went to one? I mean, I never saw you recently, but like you never went when you were younger? when you were younger? Now my style and I got invited to some wild shit. And I would think about it and then go to the county store, do a sec, got a cap of gram and go get a gram of coke and go, what I want to do over there for.

I'm doing what I'm going to do over there over here by myself. And I'll have to lie to nobody and make believe I'm anybody. So I never went. One of the craziest ones I haven't got invited to. I never spoke about this. Was a Bobby Brown Whitney Houston one. Are you gonna invite it to one? Yeah, they and them records on La Brea.

Remember where that was? Okay. Then they were taping something and then they were gonna tape over the studio And when the guy called me I was very happy at five o'clock But by 10 o'clock I just had a weird feeling And I go, you know what I like snorting coke, but I don't want to be in a church where everybody snorting coke Why?

Because it's a fucking it's like a walking dead when you're in a room with 40 people and 38 of them are high on coke It's it's not a good feeling. It's fucking surreal And if you close your eyes and just listen to the room you'll go I gotta get the fuck out of you these people crazy Holy shit, okay But let me do as much as that coke as I can before I leave so I don't have to do any of mine and No, what made you decide not to go? That night

That night and just what listen man It's so funny how there's people who mix in that scene and there's people don't and you got to know you don't mix in that I don't do well in that scenario and once I can rob a purse or a $10,000 watch, I don't do good in those fucking parties, okay? If I'ma listen to that fucking ear-beatin' all night, I gotta get some of my, and at that time my head wasn't even there. I was a junkie.

I wasn't a, hey, whatever you call that, a hobbyist. I was settin' my ways when I got high I like a naked woman everybody does but those naked women they talk too much They say too much they want to smoke a cigarette that girlfriend text them they got to hit them back Now they want to they're naked they're like am I girlfriend come over no not really I got to go to YouTube birds I just want to shoot one more low're like a my girlfriend come over no not really I want to you two birds. I just want to shoot one more load and go to sleep and finish this fucking coke So I got pretty accustomed at the end to just be by myself Right. I didn't want to put up through with all that stuff

When I quit coke those seven years eight years before that I wasn't getting high with people Wow, and was it what was the worst part about getting high with someone? But I just told you The chitchat was too loud. Hold on my mother's on the phone. You're what it's four in the morning. Why are you talking to your fucking mother? Yeah, it was just too much for me after a while the stories You know the people, well, people really have to, like I was somewhere a couple of weeks ago and my wife came over to me and she goes, I can tell you don't want to be here.

I go, are you fucking crazy? Listen to what these fucking jamokes are talking about. You know, I put my two cents in the conversation and then we left anyway. And I remember, I was in the car by myself We drove separate And me thinking one of these people gonna understand that for 40 years All I gave a fuck about was getting high and getting my dick sucked

I never even listened to this chitter-chatter these fucking idiots talked about I They were talking about half the time I Didn't want to hear it. So what would you do? How do you avoid that chitchat? You put a cock in their mouth. I don't fucking know you. You know, I don't know you just say, fucking, I'm not doing this tonight. With a bunch of people. I trust me. I had a lot of fun party with a lot of people But as your addiction grows your paranoia grows your insecurities grow everything grows You know, if you stop do if I stopped doing coke 17 years ago

If I go back tomorrow my addiction is going to be worse than what it was when I let it go Because just I know so just because you stopped doing a drug doesn't mean your addiction doesn't grow. And then there's transfers. There's always transfers, you know, the edibles, the Xanax, there's transfers. Right. And you got to catch yourself.

That's why it was interesting. You spoke about gambling tonight. Because I love Draft King because I understood how easy it is to fall. That's why when I recommended it, I told people all the time, I just bet 25 bucks. That's a big bet. And when you go on DraftKings, you see that if you bet $10, you still win 67 bucks. Right?

You ever put like a team in? Yeah. As 10 gets you 67 bucks. If you put a parlay in for 10 bucks, you're still going to win 60 bucks or something. It's not that bad. Right. And it's not. It's just entertainment. Right. Don't come to me when you're a 40-year-old grown man and go, Joey, you fucked me up.

I lost 22,000 on draft Kings. How? How because they monitor you they don't let you use the credit card. No They don't let you use PayPal unless it's yours. They don't let you don't give you access to a lot of shit. I Like the limits that you can put on yourself and it's like, you know It's a you andibrow struggle with weight. It's the same thing. McDonald's is out there, but you don't have to eat at every meal. Like, and it's, it's at a certain point, you have to take responsibility. And, and, but it's, you know, there's people who struggle with different things. So I get that. I know a guy that gambles on everything every day. Yeah. I've known this guy three quarters

of my life. I went up to his house maybe in September up in North Bergen and we were talking and I asked him what do you like tonight? This football game. He goes I gave up camera because I won't bet now till January 8th. He goes just in time for the Super Bowl. And I go you do this and he goes every year I split the year. Oh We the gamble January to June with July to December And

He's a fucking lawyer Yeah, you gotta you have to pull them into yourself. He's a lawyer and he you know his partner You know, they know They know, you know So after a while you just when people tell me they get listen, I got in trouble for kidnapping Breaking into houses, you know shit like that My was a kid I got in trouble for gambling, but it wasn't $20,000 Why'd be talking to you with a big hat on right now? You know, it wasn't I lost 800 700

Then you move the fuck on I also want 800 900 a couple times But I knew I was gonna make a living doing that the same way at a certain age, I realized cocaine's great. You can make a lot of money. I'm not going to be one of those people. And I'm never going to be one of those people. So why am I fucking doing it? I know that if I bet a dollar on a roulette game, dollar slots, I could win a thousand bucks.

My friend won 33,000 on dollar slots on DraftKings. Really? See, I don't have any casino things up here, but I like, that's why I like sports betting, because you can put 10 bucks on a baseball game and that's three hours. Listen, I don't even watch a whole game. When I go to Jimmy's, I watch half time.

I do a bunch of shit and then I watch the second game or maybe the third game, but I'm not watching football all fucking day. Those are so many things that are so weird this week. I got two sets. I'm going to do this week. Nice. I already got them planned out I'm excited about them and Then

Yeah, my decision has to be made pretty soon our agreement. You're getting close to 10. Yeah, and I'm I'm leaning I think after this week I have time That's awesome, but I'll be leaning. I already have a little plan This is January I've been writing consistently Every day not the funniest stuff in the world. Okay, assistant big difference. And if you read any of those writing books, that's the most important There's a lot of people only right When they're fun when it's funny stuff. I Like writing every day and if you look at it, you, when it's funny stuff. I like writing every day.

And if you look at it, you're not going to get funny stuff, but you can see little things developing. Do you go back and reread it? Yeah, absolutely. And I go, Oh my God, that's a horrible piece. Thank God I understand what that's saying. Cause it's opening up as a bomb already, but I'm also journaling a lot more.

Interesting. You're getting back also journaling a lot more. Interesting. You're getting back into it. Twice a day more, you know, like I do one at night now in a daytime, back to fucking basics, you know? We, I don't know. I'm having a great time, bro. That's awesome.

We are. I got one dilemma going on lately, but we'll take care of it. It's nothing comedy. It's nothing personal. It's uh you know people being stupid so it's time for me you know Lee I never caught it if you read the book or you heard any of my stories I got arrested a couple times in jersey right but never got

processing you know there's a of times they could arrest me or whatever and I dropped a name of somebody or somehow or another they knew I was connected with somebody. Not somebody in the mob world and I'm not saying that. Maybe it was a cop that was a friend of mine that I dropped his name. And it's so weird that I've always had help here. Since I've been back the last four years because I was gone for so long, most of those people have passed.

A lot of those people aren't doing what they're doing anymore. So when I got here, I had plans made with a marijuana, I had a couple plans, but I could see that that help I had as a young man I didn't have it anymore. Okay. And then recently some help came back. Okay. A dear friend of mine called me about two weeks ago,

he goes, I'm going to work for this guy in the state and this guy wants to talk to you. So let me get in there and I'll hook up a meeting and there's another guy I want to talk to. So now I'm getting a little bit more through Jiu Jitsu. I've met a couple guys that I didn't know how influential they were until somebody came up and we go, that dude could get that done for you.

Well, okay. And I'm finally back in that thing. You know, somebody, I went to get a haircut a couple weeks come on some girl goes, if you call this restaurant and tell them you're coming because it's you, they'll carve a knife out for you. Holy shit. And I'm like, she goes, but I know you would never do that.

I would never do that. I would never call a restaurant, go, hey, this is Joey Diaz. I'm coming in with eight people, I want a table. I would never do that. That's beyond my realm. You know, I would never, ever. But sometimes when things get a little fucking fishy, you gotta call that out.

For the first time since I've been here, it's getting a little fishy. We run into a little dilemma here, not me, not my daughter, not my wife, just a little situation. That's not fair. And it comes from me saying something. You know, it's always weird when I say something

because everybody else was thinking it. But once I say it, I was wrong for saying something. You know, it's always weird when I say something because everybody else was thinking it. But once I say it, I was wrong for saying it. You know, I've always been like for years, I sat next to Joe when people would run up to him and go, do I tell you who Carlos must hear a solo joke from now? This is every week. I could be talking to Joe with some different comic will come up. Bro, tell him the time Carlos stole your jokes. Some kid will come up with a tear in his eye.

He's an open mica. Yeah, Carlos came and did a contest and he stole my joke. This went on for fucking weeks at a time. I don't know what my point is here. And all those people that came up to Joe and told him that, those are the same people that when Joe got canned They didn't go up to the support I never forgot

I never forgot I learned the valuable lesson from that And now i'm seeing it with me the last couple years It's always been my fucking weakness when I say something then You know, oh, he should have said that You know, because, he should have said that, you know, because I'm not diplomatic. I'd bottle up, I keep it bottled up, and one day it just comes out of me.

And, but now they're playing with somebody who's very close to me, somebody who's very close to my heart, and then they're going after anybody who's associated with her. So now I gotta play my A game now. And I never wanna do this, but now I gotta make those calls. And I'm not gonna settle the prom, but I'm gonna rattle that fucking cage.

You know, because everybody forgets. Like I even forgot who the fuck I was for a while. Like I forget that I'm a lunatic. I'm down here, you know, I'm down here playing dad. You know what I'm saying? So I'm walking the line, I'm playing dad now. So you might think I'm playing dad, but that fucking 25 year old that threw a guy in a trunk

couple of times is now 60. And his, you know, these motherfuckers just, I even forgot, like I forgot. Like this time I got on stage and I'll do something and I'll go, fuck, I forgot, I still got it. Holy shit, you know, like, these motherfuckers forget that what got me to the dance, I still have. There's no dementia, there's no nothing. Like if these motherfuckers forget that what got me to the dance, I still have.

There's no dementia. There's no nothing. I'm just a dad down here living in a basement. So I forget who the fuck Uncle Joe is. You follow what I'm saying to you, but now I got to show him who the fuck Uncle Joe is. Because once you mess with my daughter, we got a fucking problem, especially when you're not man enough to be a fucking man as a coach or whatever the fuck your problem is.

And that's what I'm encountering since I've been back to Jersey that they talk about these ex millennials and Generation X. Well, I don't know who these people are, but I know men under fucking 40 are just fucking worthless. They have no, they're missing that testosterone to even be full men. Like they can't even look you in the eye.

They gotta go through you through your daughter or something like that. Well, I gotta bring the game back. The Uncle Joey Hudson County style. So it's just fucking crazy that I forget. I forget that I'm a fucking wild man because I don't wanna be. I don't wanna be. I I don't want to be.

I just want to be a dad to that little girl and go to sporting events and shit. But if you're going to wake up the African and me, if you're going to wake up my slave blood, you got my attention. You got my fucking attention. Well, I'm sorry that they did that. No, I'm happy they did.

Cause I've been playing Mama Luke for the last fucking three years. I've been playing half a fag Joey. Oh yeah, that's okay. You know, you know, cause I mean, listen, you can't fight every fucking battle. So you just go, who gives a fuck? But every once in a while a battle pops up

and you're like, fuck, I gotta take this challenge because my daughter's involved here. And if you guys were even fucking men, you come tell me what the fuck, but you don't have the balls to do that. So now I gotta flip the fucking field on you. You know, so I'm happy that I started doing this podcast because I forgot who the fuck I was.

And I forgot that I could sling dick still like a motherfucker. And you know, for a while there, I kept telling people, man, I'm so scared. I haven't been on stage. You want me to tell you something, Lee? Fuck these bitches. I'm still that motherfucker that was going on stage. I just didn't, you know, listen, man,

I put such high value on people's words. You know, I want to see this comment and they were sensational. Then I put the fucking special on this, the same jokes they've been doing for three fucking years. You know, so I'm scared that people are gonna judge me and I'm like, you know what? At the end of the day, even a 50% Joey

is better than half these motherfuckers that are doing it full time. I'm telling you, I've noticed this and this ain't ego Talking to you. This is facts. I Go up there. I could kill any 20 minutes now Not kill but I'll go up there and do great for 20 minutes. You're gonna go that motherfucker hasn't been on stage in a year last time I was in January a fucking May of

2023 and I started getting back on stage of fucking January to January, a fucking May of 2023. And I started getting back on stage in fucking January. So I've been going up there lately. I lost a little something, but I didn't lose as much as I thought I fucking lost. And you know what? For this reason alone, I'm gonna do something. Even if it's 20 minute sets, I'm gonna do some.

And then I'm gonna get the 20 minute set down. And then I'm gonna go up. Even if it's 20 minute sets, I'm gonna do something. And then I'm gonna get the 20 minute set down. And then I'm gonna go after the 30 minute set. You know, and then we'll see where we're at. But I can't leave this planet like this. I don't know where I am lately. You know, it's just a nightmare. I never wanted to push you. And like when you were retired,

like I thought maybe you could be retired. Maybe you just didn't really wanna do it anymore. But what you say you don't retire they die or they get put in a fucking cage and get they throw rocks at them One picture of a Sabbath that they retired they either kill you Or fuck, you know Genghis Khan. I don't fucking know these people savages Columbus Fidel I don't fucking know These people savages Columbus for dope. I don't fucking know He's a savage he killed a bunch of Indians in Cuba, you know Okay, I don't know what the Indians did to him. Maybe they try to hit him with

Columbus got mad. We don't know the whole story. That's why these people want to torture Columbus They don't know the whole fucking story. You weren't there I've never had that I've never heard that point. But when you were saying, when you first started again that you didn't know if you still had it, that's why I was like, oh, I was so embarrassed. I would go to open mics and go, oh, these comics are gonna laugh at me. I'm bombing and shit.

No. And then it didn't matter. It went back to what a great friend of mine told me once Marlon Brando didn't need to know his lines of the godfather He didn't need to know. Yeah, why cuz he knew the character Whoa, okay, he knew the character When I go on stage, it's not a fake character. It's me.

No, I just got to let the real me come out and right there alone, you know, cause you never, I mean, you had some bits that you would do in multiple shows, but if we had a four or five show weekend, you didn't do five of the same hour. No. So I like variety, bro. I like variety. I don't want to hear the same hour. No. So like, I like variety, bro. I like variety. I don't want to hear the same shit from people.

Could you imagine every day you said my pants were falling and you go crack kills, right? Crack it. Crack it. After a while, you're like, all right,

if it was going to kill me, would it kill me a long time ago? It didn't kill nobody. Where you at this weekend? Tarzan. I'm in Minnesota for the first time. I'm at a pot shots and St. Paul on Friday Saturday I'm doing a guest set on one of Shane Torres' shows at Acme and then Sunday I'm doing a private show. And you know

Dean Delray's gonna be at Acme? Not this week. It's like it's like I think the next week. Okay. I was hoping it was gonna be this week but I'm gonna be going to very cool. You're staying away from fucking Dean. I have a shot. I've chosen Hartford next week. Okay. See, I'm just saying, you know, yeah, no, I would love to. I would love to be on the road all the time.

Hartford, I'm just there's a, the same, the son of the guy who owns a comedy club in Connecticut. He runs like shows. I'm doing um, 16 brewery Friday and Saturday. Look at you and shit. Yeah, it's gonna be fun. Well, I'm proud of you, my friend. Thanks buddy. That means a lot when you when you I love, I love calling you

after shows. It's just fun to get to tell you what happened. Then either you, you went through it or you have advice for what I went through and it's just it's I love like it's like my favorite part of doing shows. I love calling it on the way back. It's great It's like I was there. I really know what you did. I didn't know you ate the the chicken fingers out of 50 cent concert But I know that I had that for me for a little bit. I Have a good week. I suck. Love you buddy. Stay Black.

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