Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - YOU have the world by the balls!

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

It can be easy to forget that we all have the world by the balls. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey never having a bad experience with a cop, not living your life scared, and who knows...we went deep this episode. Enjoy! SHOW NOTES Trying to lose weight with the help of GLP-1s? Get personalized, affordable care that fits you at ⁠http://hims.com/church⁠ If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at ⁠https://inda.shop/CHURCH⁠ #indacloudpod #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurch

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, beautiful people? It's the church of what's happening now. New Testament, Tuesday, August the 4th. What do you want to do? Uncle Joey's here. Johnny Hitler's here. And we got another hour of fun-filled.

I don't know what. What's going on, doctor? Oh, dude, I pulled a move that I think you'd actually be proud of me of. So this weekend, after one of my shows, you know how I used to go to infected mushroom? from the jumping up and down with the Jews. They had a show. And I went, and I still love them,

but it was, they're not selling the same places anymore. And the people in there, like when I was in my 20s, it was fucking, like, there were like sexy people there. It was like, it was like a cool, like I didn't feel cool enough to be there.

I was there for about 20 minutes. And I was like, because it's, Israeli people. So God forbid something wants to happen. Would this be a place like I'd want to die? And I left after like two songs.

I was like, this is not because it's scary. And I just had you in my head. If I died at that especially, it was like on the second floor of like a Brooklyn warehouse, it wasn't good. And it was just like the people there were weird looking. It was like Comic Con went to like

an electronic thing. and I was like, if I die here, Joe is going to haunt me. And so I left. Why would I, what, no, let me explain some to you. Because you know the answer you would. American people, this one I'm dealing with. This kid goes to a concert and all of a sudden starts thinking about death. Where were your priorities that day?

Where's your belief in God? My belief is that you will fuck with me. And if I told you, I went, because we've talked about me going to those, those shows before. I like it. You jump up and down. Did you jump up and down? A little bit, not as much.

Their fans are older. There's not as much jumping up again. Times of change. Yeah, that shit. Exocity in 28 is completely different. And there were young people there, but it wasn't. I took edibles. The energy wasn't.

The energy wasn't there. And it was just like they had a bunch of security checks. And then even then, like, anything related to Israel, it's a little scary now. No, and I'm not whatever about it But I was like, if something were to happen This would be a place it could happen

We think Donnie's on the show up with New Chucks That'd be fucked up with mom don't No, but dude Stuff's gonna happen to all the fucking time You have to be positive I am positive. At that night that when you go out

That type of shit ain't gonna happen You know what I'm saying? Like you As a joke I said that one time Can you imagine going on an event And there you are bleeding from the head and you wanted to stay home and watch narcos. Exactly.

But this dummy came over. I got tickets. And now you're looking at him as fucking eyeballs knocked out of his sentence. Search your right, you're fuck. No, man. I live on that thing too. If you go over there, it's going to be, every time I've said if I go over there, something's going to happen, nothing ever happened.

Yeah. We've been waiting to watch, you know, New Year's Eve. that Channel 7 shit and for us to see a park yeah who doesn't stay up just to if you think I stand for videos or for the performers I'm waiting for a bump in it

right but one of those CNN one of those that's why you watch it so while somebody's on stage like Lady Gaga singing some Arab goes up there with the vest and says bah that's how to fucking this music sucks

long live Allah whatever the fuck of it And that's why you want. But you can't live like that. Yeah, but you can. No, you can't because if not, you will stay in your house all the fucking time. You know, Saturday,

I was supposed to bring my daughter up to Nick and his girlfriend. And I'm like, I'm not going up there because, number one, you got that traffic. And number two, there's no busier traffic than in Hudson County on a Saturday and Sunday. So, and I felt bad. after that. I'm like, so I'm controlling

my life. I'm based on traffic, and I'm like, yeah, I live in California for 23 years. I don't want to sit in. I don't want my daughter sitting there. It's just too much traffic up here on Saturdays. Everybody goes to Bergen-Lain Avenue. Everybody goes to Bergen-Lan Avenue. Yeah, I don't blame you for that at all. You pull up Google Maps or anywhere before you leave.

Is this worth two hours? Is it worth, especially me. I'm 63. It's getting worse. Okay, every minute counts. right now. You understand? It's like you're 23. I'll get a job next week.

It don't work like that no more. They might not be next week. So you got to play it like that. So I don't want to live under like weather rules or something. But I got to tell you some guys, sitting in Jersey traffic sucks. When you're sitting there, there's nowhere to go and it's raining and it blows.

Traffic anywhere blows. So I don't know. At times I feel I'm living my life the wrong way. Well, that's going to be good. We were talking about, like, the time you spend in Austin. You're not going to be in traffic ever. You're going to walk to the clubs. Yeah, I'm not worried about traffic now.

I just got to walk from point. Exactly. That's my point. Because it does, like, I know when we were talking about me being, like, afraid a little bit at that concert. But, yeah, traffic, especially after you wasted, like imagine going to San Diego on Friday from L.A. Like you would have to leave at 2 for a 7 p.m. show.

And now you're like, I don't want to, I don't blame me for that. For not wanting to drive up north. That's real. That's not a joke when we tell people that. It was, if you have a show in San Diego at 9, you got to leave about 3 o'clock. At the latest. On a Friday, the last.

And when you get in that corner, it says four hours, and you're like, fuck. And it must have been more fucked up before GPS. Because you were just guessing, like, I guess I'll get there when I get. At least now I can be like, all right, there's traffic here, here, and here. Listen, this is how I do. All right, you ready? What is it?

90 miles. Yeah. From L.A. to San Diego times 90 miles an hour. How quick when I get that? An hour. That's what I would do. It's usually two hours. San Diego should not.

take you any more than a buck 43 on the way down or a buck 43 on the way back. But it turns into four and a half hours. So even at 35, 40, I'm like, I'm not doing that. I don't want to be stuck in five hours of traffic. I didn't work La Jolla for years because of that. You would turn down weekends at La Jolla? Yeah, because you have to leave at one in the a half. I didn't have a car.

So now I'm working with fucking a comic that's scared of his own shadow. We're going to leave at 1030 for what? That's even more traffic at 1030. Ask George, he came to Comic-Con. I never drove down there. I fucking hated driving to San Diego. Yeah. No, no.

I don't like that. I don't like being in a fucking car for that long. Especially now, man. It just sucks. But that's how I timed San Diego. It's 90 miles. No, it's 120 miles. So if you're doing 80, 85 miles an hour,

you're going to get down there in time. Yeah, but no one does 80 miles. But, dude, I remember when Eric and I opened for you at La Jolla. That was a great weekend. But we left Saturday after the show, probably. I think you made it home before we, like, Commerce Casino. Like, I think you were like 45 minutes ahead of us. Because on the way down, you're fucked.

But on the way back, you're wide open on Saturday night. Okay, with the emphasis on Saturday night. you're not going to pull that shit Sunday morning. With the bozos coming in, Mexicans run it up. You're not going to pull that shit on a fucking Sunday morning. I would get in that car at a quarter of fucking 12, and I'd be in Hollywood on Martel,

coping a gram of Coke by 1 a.m. And I did that every fucking time I work, San Diego. I parked the car strategically. The gas was filled up, and there was no goodbyes. I went right from the stage. The car was already packed. Closers in there.

There was nothing to stop for. There was a water in there. There was a joint already rolled. Once I go through immigration, you won't see me. Like I do under like 80 as I'm hitting the immigrant where, yeah, they ask you if you have any fruit. They never stopped me once. No, so they just go like this.

Yeah, they never. Sometimes they ask. what are you got? I got a pepper, you know. But right after they unleashed me right from there, I would do 100 all the way to Irvine. Now I'm 45 minutes out. Now I got this bitch.

Now I got to go on another 10th and 90s. And next time I look up, we'll be with a Commerce Casino because you're 21 miles away at this point. So, you know. Not that you've done it a couple times. I've done it a million times. And my whole journey was, to get back by 1 a.m.

To beat the Coke dealer from closing. He didn't like customers after one. It's an early time for a drug dealer to close. I want to hear no stories, nobody. An hour 43, big pimping. And if a cop pulls your bond Friday or Saturday night, that's the five, correct? Yeah.

As long as you have an idea and an insurance card, they will not give you a ticket. That might not be. I got pulled on with him, 85, 90. What's the rush? I got a spot at the comedy store. What time you got to be? Then I make up a fake time.

He'd go, all right, do me a favor. Keep it under 70, the rest of the way. Because if you don't have alcohol on your breath, they're not going to fuck with you. They have too many people to fuck with. Too many people. I don't know how many times. Don't say Joey, well, he knew you.

There was no podcast back then. There was nothing. It was straight up gangsterism. You never once got pulled over? I got pulled over a couple of times. heading up but never got a ticket from San Diego. And that's the reason. Because I never had alcohol on my breath.

And he would say to me, dog, your foot's a little heavy till I know I got a spot at the store. Talk to you for a minute or so. Where are you coming from? La Jolla Comedy Store. Why are you going up there? Because I did a spot here and I got another one up there at 1.30. And you just get into that. And right away he comes back, the insurance, the license is up to par.

You're back to speeding, Jack. I would, dude So you getting pulled over once Didn't make you go slower the next time? No, because now I got it out of the way I got the pullover out of the way You get pulled over an average Two and a half times per year

Sometimes you get a ticket Sometimes you don't Check the national average You know, whatever the fuck So So you just think the odds are in your favor To fucking go for it I don't drink, my eyes are clear

My paperwork's okay You know, I might have been doing a little fast, but officer, it's an old car. I don't know the gas. It's a new car. I don't know this. It's a medium car. I don't hear so good.

You see, I got the handicapped sticker. You're working in. Always as a gentleman. So as a cop pulls me up. I put two hands out of the fucking car. Don't shoot me. Right there, they know. This guy's going to be okay.

He gets to the car. I treat him with all respect from the world. I don't even, you know, most people start with their, stupidity. Six out of ten people will say, that wasn't speeding. Listen,

how about I just pull you out of the car and beat you with this baton for 25 fucking minutes? I'm pulling you over because you were speeding. And right away, you're telling me you weren't. And people just commit. Oh, yeah.

You'll see it. People just fall apart. Do you ever, do you get that on Instagram? My Instagram is full of people lying to the cops and the cops beating the shit out of them. No, I don't want it. I don't know why Instagram things are. I don't know that. What the fuck do you want? Dude, Instagram knows what you like and I guess I like it. I don't like that.

Well, it's because they, there's a thing called fuck. There's a, uh, they don't believe in laws. So like they'll say that they're a sovereign citizen. That's what it's called a sovereign citizen. And I don't really know the, the, but they, they claim they're traveling. They're not. they're not driving so they don't need a driver's license. And there's just these videos of them telling cops

and cops tasing them and pulling them out of the car. And there's something I get, I don't know, I see it all the time. You don't see it? No, I don't want to see that shit. You know, man, it's tough enough being a fucking cop and then running into like these street lawyers. Yeah. And I come from a different society where street lawyers never did well.

they make you follow them they beat you up in an alley they're gonna do something to you just keep your mouth out I never got being I apologize right off the right off the yeah I'm sorry officer I didn't see that light

I didn't see this but you're always apologetic well I had the light it's a jersey yellow you just got nailed I went to the judge that's one I never when people like

meet them when they just yell at the cops or like that's crazy would you just game. I had this kid I went to high school with who was really rich and he would do it. But we had like a small town, like all they did was like traffic tickets. Yeah. And he, it was, uh, I don't know.

I've always, I've, I don't know of respect, but I'm definitely afraid of police. Like I wouldn't, like, oh my God. At the end of the day, you know what? You're going to, you're going to talk shit about them. But when somebody robs, you're hit you in that with a stick, you're going to go crying to him. Yeah. You got to treat them the way they are. You know, on all these worlds I've lived in,

I never had a problem with a cop. I can't look at you and go, one hit me or one searched me or one stole my weed. There's a guy who found weed on me, and he looked me in a cell and he goes, ooh, it's censor me a season. Right in front of me, goes, I'm keeping this. What are you going to say to him?

Don't do it. It's against the law. Take it. He's not going to charge me. Oh, fuck it. He's not going to charge me for the weed. So, you know, I mean, you banging out with a cop Because you just watch Law and Order is not, you know

They love saying that they, I know my rights and the cops are like, I don't think you do. And there are fucked up cops, I know what, I know my right to. And I got the right to see a gun and I could just pull out my gun and shoot you in the fucking head. That's my right. And within 10 minutes, I have a Puerto Rican here dropping off a gun that I saw. And you will go night, night until, so before you even. think about that shit. You don't know what that cop's going through.

Him and his wife got into a fight. His mistress sucked his dick wrong. There's a thousand things, and you want to play Johnny attorney. Leave it alone. Leave it alone, George. Did you ever have any one like that? Were there, like, prison lawyers?

Oh, and they end quick. Why? They end with a stick baton to the head. Because there's no lawyer in the building. I'm going to call my lawyer in the morning. You know, blah, blah, blah. They try to be scarface. You'll be walking the beat in Alaska.

Okay. Clunk. Fuck. You want to write your attorney here? Which hand are you righty? Clunk. You got to write with a feather. Fucking inverted this shit like that.

The fuck the world. What? To be on, I don't know how we got there. Where? To the, to the, to the, to the, prison people, oh, to the, or to the police? No, you asked me a fucking question about the police and the prison, how, you know, that I just never, even from my perspective,

I never had a problem with a cop, especially like when I grew up in North Pergin, you saw these guys every day. You saw them. They lived in the town. So they're running errands and you're in shop right. And that's that cop that fucking hassles you're at the basketball court. He happens to live downtown.

You don't have a beef with that guy. Now I got to see him every time he comes to the court. You know what? If I don't say a word to him, he'll let me stay here till 10. But if I start playing that goody, goody two shoes, he's going to chase me out here at 8 o'clock. So let me be cool with the motherfucker. He'll come over to him and go, Joey.

You got to go home, but just stop dribbling the ball. Just shoot. You remember those guys? Don't dribble the ball. Just shoot. Get the rebounds, but I can't have neighbors complaining. Once we start yelling and bring a fucking box with a box with a bunch of, music, that's when you're done.

But if the guy's letting you play there, he's just saying, calm it down a little bit, don't know loud music. Fuck, I can say to two in the morning. Right. So it's just different things that the cop's already giving you a break. And now you want to argue with the guy,

whatever the fuck. I mean, it's just, I've just seen so many things that I'm, like, what the fuck are you thinking? And I had, like, we didn't have any, like, we had the dare cop. Did you have, Do you guys do dare? No, they didn't last too long in this thing.

And then when you were... DyerCop used to come to your school and explain drugs, did it? Yeah. Yeah, the dog ate them. The dog ate them. That's way after us. Because you already do it.

Listen, authority is authority. Right. Right. I mean, I don't know where you learned that at home, what's something you have inside of you. you know by the age of 10 that if you're getting chased by I mean you're in the south side of Chicago

and you're getting chased by three Polish gangsters and you see a cop you're going to raise your hand the cop's going to save you, right? So how are you? I don't get it. I don't get this whole fucking going up against the heat and shit like that. So when you got in trouble,

you were like, it's fair? Like he's got a job to do and I got a job to do. My job is to steal and stay on the streets and his job is to arrest me and take me off the streets. So there's no reason that we just, you got me this time. Remember, I could destroy a cop 80 times in a row, but eventually he's going to get me when it matters the most.

I could beat him in court. I can do a thousand things. But at the end of the fucking day, he's going to nail me. Because I'm not that smart. Nobody is. So as long as you know that going in, Once they got a smell for you, you got to figure it out a little bit because they know that in time, I'm always going to get you at the end. They're always going to win.

Then they're going to impose a sentence on you that you wish you never done anything. So think about that way. I thought when I got in trouble, my friends were like, bro, we get your job in Costa Rica. Being a Hertz guy for Costa Rica, you know, when people come, you know, when people come, you rent them a fucking car. That's a good job. That's a good job, but what happens?

George gets hit by a car. I come up here to visit them in the hospital. When I'm walking out, I get caught and I'm 55 now. I still got to do all that time again. That's why I didn't run when I got in trouble because eventually they're going to fucking catch you, not even doing another crime.

It could be something simple as going to the emergency room and they do a background check, which they do. How do fucking hotels do? background checks. You know, there's a lot of business when you contact them, as you give them your info, they're doing a background check as you speak. That's that new shit

that happens now. So, I don't even know how we got the fucking whatever information. But these BK. Foylers, man. I know it's a BK. Boilers. That's why you should say less. I'll fucking, I'll

talk to you about whatever the fuck you want to hear. Just 100 milligrams, those things. I think we took the 50, so give him another one. Just in case it was a 50. I didn't take it 50. I'm good on that. I'm good on me. I'm good on that.

I'll tell you what happened this weekend. I don't know. I think when I was 10, I heard that expression. Shut your mouth. You got the world by the balls. And for like two years, I thought about that expression. Just like, what the fuck are these people? These old dudes saying, you know.

As I got old, I used it. And I would think about it, you know, and like when you're just feeling down about something, you know, you're just having a bad day. You're like, what is I going? I can hit the lottery tomorrow, you know? Right. You got the world by the balls.

You know, when I see somebody young who's doing comedy, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I don't want to be younger, but I know that they got the world by the balls. when I look at how old I am and I notice that I don't have to work a ship and I don't have to do anything What are you laughing about that?

I don't have to do anything creepy that I don't want to do I say to myself I got the world by the ball You know if I get up in the morning I go to a dentist And he says you got one cavity Instead of 22

I got the world by the balls I got something to work with Right But the other day I saw it in living fucking life. I think Saturday I went to do something in the morning. I got home and I put the computer on. And I was sitting in the back room.

Terry had put the TV on. Something happened. And then she left. Not left the house, but just went to a different part of the house. And I was watching what was on. I heard something, a voice. Like, that sounds like Whitney Houston. And I looked over and it was the bodyguard.

Her and the dude from fucking Yellowtail, whatever, Yellowstone. I had some Yellowtail sushi today. That's why I was thinking about Yellowtail. So, have you ever seen that movie, anybody? No. It's a movie about Whitney Houston's a star, and she hires, she's getting death threats. So she hires a bodyguard. Whatever his name is, Kevin Cosper.

And he looked good in that movie. Kevin Costner looked like Steve McQueen, like a young Steve McQueen, that movie. and, you know, he's a bodyguard, but somewhere on the line, they fall in love, and, you know, somebody tries to, he gets shot on the job. Huh? Yeah, pretty not a bad movie. A little mushy for my taste, but it was on,

and I went up to get water, and they were just having a scene where he's talking to him. And I'm looking at her for, like, fucking five minutes while she's talking to Kevin Costa. And do you know that I just welled up with tears? and just started fucking crying. Because I'm looking at this girl. It's 1992.

How old could she possibly be? A year older than us. 30, 29. Here she is. I don't know how many songs she put out by then. She was fucking beautiful in this movie. Oh my God. She had the fucking, with the loop earrings,

when they put her hair up, Whitney Houston was smoke. And I'm like, what if... What if somebody took a picture of this movie and went to her one day and said, Whitney, look at this picture. You've got music, you've got movies, tours. You're fucking...

Early on, she got signed up to be like a makeup girl for all those companies. She had so much Luke coming in. And I'm like, but she had the evil side that I had. She had addiction. You know, she loved pap. party and this was way before all that you know she picked it up in east orange over the years so and i'm looking yeah you pick it up in your neighborhood you know gram here or half gram here

and it's funny how you look at the picture you know you look at the if i could talk to her again go whatever you're doing in your life that's negative get rid of it because look at this if this is somebody who's got the world by the balls for real look at look at Look at everything she had at that time of her life. And, you know, somewhere between the pressures, writing music, Bobby Brown, you know. And I can't blame Bobby Brown. I mean, you don't blame Bobby Brown. All she had to say was no, you know, but it grew with them as a family.

And what happened happened? She died not from a cocaine overdose, but she was on her way because of just the, the, the, the, the, the constant push and pull. When you have that constant pushing pull of rehabs and getting clean and I'll sober up for a tour and mid-tour, you know, you go on the road six months, good luck. By the second month, you're going to go to an after party. Somebody's going to have white pot around their nose,

and pop goes the weasel. You know what I'm saying? Pop goes the weasel. So it's very hard to sit and watch and judge somebody. And that's why I was crying about. I was crying that, dog, all of us, except for Lee, we drank the same water she drank, dog.

That dirty East Orange River, whatever that river water they get is, Hackey from the Blackie. You know, she drank the same water of this, man. That's not some girl that she drank the same water in the projects. And here she was on top of the fucking world. And that's very hard to accomplish. That's very hard. I mean, so I was just thinking about, hence the expression,

when you have the world by the balls. You know, you come in here every fucking Monday. Last week was the tranny comedian show. The week before that, the oven blew up. The week before that, tonight's fucking thing was, you're not doing well in front of young comics. Well, listen, that's great. Because when I started, I always got my antennas up when I saw people with my hair in the audience.

And guess what? If you start believing that, every time you see those white-haired people, you're going to bomb. So, you know, you're not doing well in front of this young audience because you got it in your head. It became a lead Judaism piece along with the gambling, along with – you always freeze up. because you don't have that TAC coating in your body. And that's what happens. See, I got the body protected on. I'm hitting edibles.

I'm smoking pipes. I'm making it happen. You don't get into you. So you stay a Jewie kind of person, and it's going to keep going. Every time you're going to hit a stage, you don't look behind the curtain, see a row of young kids,

and you're going to go, fuck, that goes my night. And that's what we're trying to avoid. And that's what we're trying to avoid altogether. because I don't need you. What did Shenzu say? Most battles are won before they ever fought. The dude from the seven samurai. Shinsu, whatever's fucking name.

Most battles are won before they even fought late. So if you keep putting that in your head, it's going to happen to you what happened to me. I remember one time I had to open up for somebody like Wendy Liebman and Fort Lauderdale. What's the one above? Boca, bro, it was a fucking bunch of old Jews. Not only were they Jewish, but they were old, my age, like 50-year-olds, 55,

they all had white hair. I ate a bag of dick for no reason. It took me, it started in North Carolina, at Chapel Hill, where my fear of young kids started. That was like 97. And now, years later, I still had that fear. Like if I went to a comedy club And there's young kids mixed

I would do okay An old couple But if I saw five of them Like they just got off the ship You know what I'm saying? They just got sent home With Social Security I would fucking panic guys

That took me a few fucking years To overcome Because I know it's just a stupid Thing that I'm listening That I'm seeing It's another It's another What is that

called, George, another red flag that you're throwing up against yourself to limit you. You're not doing well in front of them because you're being a Jewie. You're being a leader Jewy. When you get high and go up in front of them, you're not going to get two fucks about them. In fact, you're going to go, fuck you, you punk. You don't even eat pussy the right way. And look at your girlfriend. She still pisses and the panties still smell like peep.

You don't even dry your fucking pecker. I'm saying? You don't even drive that fucking monkey correctly. That's why we're experienced Lee. That's why people always go, well, you're so wise. Wise, you know what will you get when you spell wise backwards? You made a lot of fucking mistakes. That's what being wise is. You're not smart anybody.

You just made a lot of fucking mistakes. So in comedy, you'll get wiser and you'll see that. All that shit is resistance. It's your own body, fucking. with you. I used to have that about old women, and then it was probably Chinese people. Yeah, because if you let it

in one time, now you're going to, oh, I don't like one of the bastard parties are there. I don't like when bastard parties are there. I don't like none of them. All you got to do is go up there, crack your fucking jokes, and get the fuck out of that. Right. Hey, Uncle Joey, I want to talk to you about something.

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And I want to thank Indy Cloud for always having. without back. No, and so it's, you're right, it is just resist. Because I, I don't know, it's something I noticed that I just do better. I do better if it's more of a mixed ages

or even older, but like the younger, like the, if the 20 year olds, it's like 50-50. And I just feel like, I don't know, I feel like they're cool, especially in New York. Like they're cool at that age and I'm, the opposite of that.

And I was like, I don't know. You don't even fucking know. You're over there sitting there, I'm cool, and what the fuck are you talking about? You're a Jew. Be proud. Go up there and knock them to fuck them to fuck down. That's going to be hard to sell these days too. Fuck these young kids or fuck the old people.

You know, for me, I used to feel happy when I saw black people in the audience. Yeah, I like that. As soon as I see black people, I'm like, yeah. Because I got somebody to work with, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And it was just interesting. It's just, I don't know. I got, I got, we did edibles after a show that didn't go well.

And then I just sat and like watched some music. And I was just, I was just, it was like an hour and a half concert. And I just was talking to myself the entire time. And it was a good concert. But it was just like, I'm trying to take this seriously. And it's weird to go from a 10 person show. show on the Upper East side that went amazing. Like the club was like calling for spots.

It couldn't have gone better. And then a big room in Brooklyn. And it goes, okay. But like stuff that like hit there doesn't hit. And it was just, it was just, I don't know, I come. I have access to your brain. So I was like, I don't know. But you're right.

My goal is to be funny to everybody, which is not possible. to the more people of Basel. Do you ever do that? Just talk to yourself for like an hour and a half? All the time. Yeah? I'm the only person who talks back. You know what I'm saying?

Listen, that's another thing I'm not doing up here. What I do down there, like Tuesday when I got to the club, and I can only do the one show. I didn't go home. I stayed and watched the showcase. Okay. I watched like eight-door guy go up, you know? And it was really interesting because I was,

don't do that here anymore. By the time I get to the show, it's a packed show, I can't sit in the audience or watch you because people are going to be on Joey, Joey in the audience. I don't need that. You're on stage. I can't disrespect anybody. So I sit in the back of my business.

At those comedy clubs, they have a back seat. You know, like the comedy store had that back row. Right. But all the way in the corner, you just put your hood over. Don't nobody know you're there. You put baseball hat on with some glasses. Nobody knows you're there. And I would watch like four or five of the comics and see what the fuck is going on.

I don't have that no more. So that's why I did in Austin Tuesday night. I just sat there and watched comedy. No idea what they were talking about. None of them? No idea. But I laughed. I giggled.

And I got to see it from, because I learned from everybody. Whether you're young, old, maybe that person bombed, but they threw one fucking good joke up. And the way they delivered it was fucking spectacular. And that's what I'm always looking for. That one last fucking hook to bring you back, you know? So it's really interesting. How you learn from comedy and different... I don't like listening to comedy.

And I realized last week the problem with specials is I don't like watching them. I want to see a fucking live. Right. Yeah. Okay. There's a huge difference. Huge difference. Whether you're in front of 40 people or 4,000 people,

that's that energy in the fucking room that I like. And I miss that. I don't do that enough here either. You'll get to see a lot of it, Austin. I'll go early. That's my world. Go early. The first show starts at 7.

I'm right down the fucking corner. I can leave it a quarter of 7. The show usually runs late, even if they start at 10 after 7. I'm stoned. I sit in the back. I get a fucking ginger ale or a thing of water. and I watch and I learn

and you guys are like well Joey how do you learn from God you learn from their mistakes and they remind you about yours because I'm not perfect I fuck up every time I go on stage I just know how to cover it up a lot better because I've been doing it for a long time I'm not better than you

I've just been at it for a long time it's a big fucking difference and people have to start realizing that I struggle I do all this same shit you do. And I did. All this shit you bring here, except for getting chased out of the tranny bar.

I never did that in my young comedic career. You know what I'm saying? But, I mean, you know, I was forward to these on Monday because you always telling me something that I go, wow, I'll apply it to a different story in my life. Like when I got thrown out of the Josh Wolf's fucking, the gay lady beat me up with the umbrella.

That's just a crazy sentence. But it's... It's what, Lee? It's what? Look at the shape of you. Well, this voodoo week, listen, if you want to get a high time, I'm fine. Because this is one of the people who don't understand it. This is like the biggest week for us this year.

We got Brooklyn, we got AC on Friday and Saturday, and it's not just AC, it's home. A lot of people from old schools coming down. I'm getting text messages from people I haven't heard from in fucking years. People's kids are coming that I grew up with. That type of shit. Fuck, yeah. So we're going to have a lot of crazy people down there.

That's why I said, let's go down there Thursday night. So we could get our yaya's out by ourselves. Go get something to you that one, which you can't leave that building at night. It's got to be in there. I'm not letting nobody on the crew leave because they even tell you, don't go out there. I do want to double check something. Can you double check evergreen dispensary on Atlantic City? You know what you're found?

Yeah, yeah. Evergreen dispensary. I talked to them. If you walk in there with your ticket, they'll give you something. It's like 20% off something really good, too. If you walk in there with a ticket to my show before the show, they'll hook you up. Because I went in there one day. And they told me, tell you people.

1246 Atlantic Avenue. What's the name of it? Evergreen. It's right across from the oceans comedy club, right across from the casino. Two in the morning. They close at two in the fucking morning. So we'll be going over there. Some people go to Wohop.

Right. That's what we'll be doing. What stoners? We're going to Evergreen at 12 or 1 o'clock to make a video. 12.26 on Thursday night. Talk, it's right. When you walk out of there, you look across and you can see oceans. What I think you're dealing with?

Behind the front, the zone. it matter. Everyone has Google Maps. It'll be, it's called Evergreen? Yeah, evergreen. The shows are going to be sick. It's going to be, I've heard nothing but cool things about it. I've never, about oceans and Atlantic.

I've never, like, I've never even been to Atlantic City. I'm your first time for everything. It's going to be, I'm excited to game. We won, we, I think we're one and one now. Who? At the, at the tables. Oh, no, we went to more than two. Yeah.

Two and one. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I listen to you every Monday. I listen to other comics. No other comic that we work with is very highly experienced. Everybody's like eight years, right? Pedro's eight. Javier's fucking like eight and nine.

Hector. Victor's a Daniel. Becky's like two fucking years. Yeah. He's like three years. So I enjoy, watching you guys because that's the only time I can watch you. And it's crazy because every time I watch you in a big venue,

you guys get stronger. Even if it's a little bit, you guys get that fucking stronger. What are you looking at me? Like I owe you 20 bucks for him. He's like Simon Bossinister. Fucking open your eyes, Lee. God damn it. What do you mean open your eyes?

How dare you? I have it. Give him another edible, please. Give him that other half. He fucking skimped out. And he made the other half like... No, I'm not doing it. The other half was just a little piece you fucking took.

Terrible. Terribly fucking, whatever my. But I struggle. I look at things now. I look at that notebook in the morning. I'm like, I can't believe. I'm doing this. Like, I've been trying to put shit down at night

or figure out what I wrote in the morning. And I'm having a harder time now. You think by now the muscle would be settled? You know, and that's why I tell you, motherfucker, settle that muscle. For a long time, I could just sit down after eight minutes. I'm whipping something up.

It's not that easy no more. Even with side stories, I'm making up stories, I'm trying everything. I can't get to write a fucking joke, you know? But I feel like that's going to change in Austin. I feel like you're going to have come back with two hours and a month. Listen, I defy spots last.

week and I felt that when I got on that plane. Of course. I felt it by the second night in the row, I felt like that top 10% just dropped. Listen, it's just not Austin. I could do it anywhere, anywhere where I could do three or four shows in a row in one week. Like right now, if I go out early show Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'm pretty good for the week. If I really want to strengthen that one joke, going back up on stage at 10 o'clock would definitely fucking help. But I don't even have to wait to 10 o'clock in Austin.

You just walk down the block and somebody's doing something. And all these rooms have mysterious people. Like they all have 30, 40 people in them. Bro, the sunset room the night had 100 people in there easy. On a fucking Thursday night early. I think they'd bring in a band later. But still. They have open mics all the time.

That whole strip is comedy heaven. and there's a ton of good rooms. And I would say to you, like starting my wife, the business manager, and we were talking, why not just get a sub-led and apartment in the city, which would really be a good idea? I just don't have those many clubs to go to. I don't feel like working the weekend. You know, the weekends are for professionals.

People are making money. If I'm not out there to make money, why am I stealing spots from other people? my whole thing of getting better is going out during the week. Okay. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, but I got to go. I can't spend those. Like I can't stay out until two in the morning, three nights in a row. I'll be broken.

I'll be broken. Telling you right now. I know what I felt like when I came back from Austin the other day, and I went out three nights in a row. But there I have to go out every night because I'm paying for a hotel room. I got to get my money's worth. I didn't go down to sit in the room and watch TV. Once I get an apartment, I could do two nights take a night off, maybe do a spot here on Thursday night.

I think I'll always be back here for the weekends because there's always something going out with my daughter. So I got a plan. A man without a plan is not a man. Nietzsche said that. I think, who the fuck knows? It could have been the show Gun of Harlem. I don't fucking know. But it's all the same, Lee.

No matter what level, I always had it wrong. I always thought that after 20 years You'd be rocking and rolling Maybe doing this and that I had it completely wrong It don't stop The hustle never stops The grind never ends

For people who think Oh I'm gonna hit the lottery And my landscape business bro The hustle never ends If you're a real person It never ends Because you want to better yourself every fucking day So I don't know about, what are you looking at me?

Like I got HIV and I'm breathing on you. The fuck is wrong, you see it? That's the hustle. Every day you want to get up and be a little bit better than what you wore yesterday. That's the hustle. Some people could just get some money and just sit at home and wear a robe and plant April. No, I want to keep working until they fucking bury me. Or at least a variation of it.

I go blind. I can't watch comedy, but I can still hear it. And I can still coach you, Lee. You know what I'm saying? And you can still do comedy. So I want to be involved in forever now. Now I'm in. Because now I have something to offer.

I know I do. Fuck yeah. Not a lot. I can't tell you how to be a star or how to sell tickets. But I can at least teach you how to do the basics. And I can teach you how to tell these motherfuckers to suck your dick. you could help with selling tickets. No, I can't.

That's something that you cannot figure out. You have to touch the people a certain way. I used to work for a sports betting service, and it was really hard because the first time they signed up, they couldn't do it with a credit card. They actually had to pay cash. You had to get them to get up,

go to the ATM, upstairs to their mother, whoever they borrowed $1,000 from, find a Western Union, send me a Western Union, and then call me afterward with the 10-digit confirmation number. And I used to say,

how the fuck do I make people do that? The second time, you could just give me a credit card. Nick, I got the fucking Red Sox again tonight. I got a couple special plays in there. A $50 better will make $8,500 with me tonight. Come on, grab the Visa card. What's the start with four? Because MasterCard is five.

V's is four. Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? So you already got, for what? What's the Amics? How's your name appear on the Amics? You're selling for that fucking name. So I used to always think about that.

That's the equivalent of selling a ticket in comedy. Because there's so many variables. It's not like me and George would go into the city at 8 in the morning, stand down the line of chicken. run, buy two tickets and come home. Oh, no. Now you got to take out your credit card. Give me your name.

That's two hours right there. Getting a ticket for somebody's fucking two hours. And it's also, like, the difference between buying your ticket, like, when it gets first announced and selling out. Or if, like, you, like, are people buying the ticket, you know, two days before the day, of. Listen, number one, all that shit

doesn't matter to you right now. That's the number one question. It was probably my question also. How did we start getting people in seats? I already did my name was Earl and it fucking recurred. I already done a couple movies, Spider-Man 2 and fucking

longest yard and plus plus. How do I get people to get up off the couch and come to watch you? What would make you get up to go see somebody. Especially when you're a comedy half-quit fan. Like you watch specials,

you go to a comedy club once a year because it's close to your house. You and your buddies go after work, what would it take me to make you get off the couch? Never mind the babysitter and all that bullshit. Let's talk chicken here. How are you going to get these people to get in? Like I told you, the story with me is simple.

I did all those things. I was doing a podcast, and I told the story about mugging a fucking hooker. Now, when somebody says they mugged the hooker and lit her wig on fire, most people run. It opened up my ticket sales. So, again, I can't sit here and tell you that I went to the organic route. I can't.

I can't sit here. Like, I remember Dice explaining this to me 30 years ago, at the store talking about how he blew up out of two clubs, Pips and Rascals in Jersey and they were tapers show in Rascals in Jersey and Michael

Mann came to New York and put that show on in the hotel room and saw him, you know, being Dice Man, then offered him an audition and how long that process took. It was a 10-month process till he earthed him again. It was so long that he was at that

club that weekend. The same club where he came to watch him and talked to him and he goes a year later the guy fucking called me 14 months later he said we're gonna start shooting in november but i'm talking about the ticket sales it's i've never been a smoker mirrors type of guy you remember the speech i told you when we first started hanging out i got really high with you one day and we're listening to get your wings by aerosmith and i went off on arrow smith how people forgot Arrow Smith, but they're an American institution.

When Arrow Smith rocked in Boston, it wasn't like Boston was a boring place to be. They competed against the Celtics. You compete against the Flyers, and you compete against the Boston Celtics, the Boston Celtics for entertainment in Boston. I never saw music in that equation. And here's five junkie.

from whatever part of Boston there is, playing these bars in Boston, and they got so much notoriety, and then they did what everybody else did, what Twister's sister did. They probably did Jersey or Connecticut or Pittsburgh, and the word got out. You know, that's strong when I make a first impression,

and the word gets out. So I always, you remember this speech we had? We were talking, and we were talking about how hard it was for Errol, Smith to fucking put out that first album. Yes, that I do. At that time, 1970 in Boston, there was a ton of shit

going on. There would nobody want to see five long-haired motherfuckers. How did they break through? How? Every show they did, they broke two needles. There's three of, no. Every show they did, they destroyed it. They gave you a full adventure.

They sweat on you. They did a bunch of things to, you don't sell the ticket. You're selling what's going to happen once they get that. How they're going to feel once they get that. That's the biggest mistake I see with people. I laugh. Hey, I'm doing a show Thursday.

Come by. And one of those descriptions, you got to describe what's going to happen to them. They're going to see fucking, who's doing drugs right now? These days, like who's big on drugs on TV, anybody? Like one of those people. Delante West. Galante, who's that? the former Celtics player who, like,

is, like, homeless on the street? All right, even Lamar Odom. I'm having a party of them on the morning. Lamar Odom was going to be rolling joints at this party. You know, I'm presenting something to their mind that's going to happen. And that's the other thing. Listen, I wish people come to Atlantic City this week.

Is it going to be the best show they see all we? I could tell you that. Absolutely not. You're probably going to see somebody more creative. but you're going to get a lot of energy, you're going to laugh at some weird stuff, and you're going to see some weird people and you're going to see a family atmosphere.

That's what we're selling. I'm not selling. I can sit here and blow smoke up people's ass. I don't want to do that because that's not what I'm selling. I'm selling an energy pit where everybody in that room you're going to feel love in that fucking room. And people are going to be laughing that shit. They've never laughed at before because the way it's being presented to them.

Plus, I'm going to have Lysai out there, the flying Jew. I'm going to have Pedro from Pedro. You know, I'm going to have Becky Z fresh off the boat. You know, whatever the fuck, you're presenting a picture. People don't want to sell you that.

When I go to a restaurant, I tell Nick, Nick, that's our menu, and these are our specials. This motherfucker's going to read you 20 specials. You ever go to a restaurant? They read you 20 specials. I'm going to focus on two of those. And I'm going to sell it like it's a fucking orgasm. Listen, Nick,

you'll bite of steak and the droops down on your face. That's what you're selling. That's what they're going to go with. But if I sit and tell you, we have the duck all orange. We have the panchetta ala-coco. We have chicken colors. We've got pork chredder colors. We got this. We got that. I'm not going to sell you

anything. You're just looking at Instagram. We got pork chops. We got this. What would you do if that was Instagram? I got pork chops and nice cherry peppers on the side. They just picked up these fucking potatoes from Idaho. They had to smuggle them back into Jersey.

There you go. I was thinking about fucking potato today. Yeah. So what's the between selling a car and selling a comedy ticket? There's nothing. You're paying for one of those people, George, Impulse. Those are the people that buy the first tickets on Sunday night. When the ticket gets on sale, they're right there with their credit.

the card and I appreciate them. But they're impulse buys. They're going to buy whatever the fuck at that minute. And then they're going to, Nick, you think my friends will come from Toronto? Let me get three extra tickets for my friend. Oh, at 300 a piece. You know what I'm saying?

Let's check it out on the phone first. Before I go putting out this money for anybody. So there's so many things about selling that people just I'm doing a show in Newark. So who the fuck cares? was three black guys.

They're rapping for a fucking donation in a tin cup. But you got really good at it. Because I only have one shot of it. And before I started asking, I made sure that I could ask. You got to make sure. You got to make sure you want to open up that can of worms when that can of worms open. If you leave it organically, it's going to open. You just don't know when.

And that will take away the pressure from it. And it's that show you least expect. That bust out. You take pictures, video, the club owner tells people. Now it starts happening once a month. Then after eight months, it started happening twice a month. Then four times a month. Now you do it on a regular.

Everything takes time in this. I wish somebody took the time to fucking tell me this. But it's something like you say time, but like how many years took you were like 20 years? Yeah. But for me, I was just lucky to be doing some of my life. I was just lucky to be doing the same thing for 21 years. I was very fortunate because my brother George will tell you I had a different job every 90 days. not because I didn't want to work

because I didn't want to fucking work I didn't like anything I did thank God I stepped on the stage and it gave me light to say this is what I want to do at the time I knew I was a loser I knew I couldn't do anything big because of the felonies I was dead

so I might as well do something that I really wanted to do regardless of what the outcome in because at the end of the day it's not about money it's if you even like doing this shit I'll get your job I'm making $150,000 a year.

But don't come crying to me when you're 20, you're 3,000 pounds overweight. You hate your wife. She's 2,000 pounds overweight. Because going somewhere we did it, you're not supposed to be at, that ain't going to make you happy, no matter how much I give you.

Eventually, one day you're going to get up and go, ah, and that's it. You would think so. Because I know, that's how I felt all those years when I was trying to find what to do with my life. Every torn I turned, Oh, this is a union job.

You get the best benefit. Dog, I'd rather be storing Coke. I don't need all these benefits. You know what I'm saying? You don't look at it from that way. But it's the way I felt at that time in my life. I didn't want to do shit. And I couldn't see going to work for somebody and busting your hump

for them to give you a gold watch after 50 years. Yeah, you were real important to our company. You know, all that type of shit. meanwhile he's got a house and a boat and you're living in your fucking fourth bedroom flat up there and fucking somewhere the only thing you have for a backyard little fucking thing but you were a great employee go fuck yourself if i'm gonna die like this i might as well die on this on my my fucking what i want to do i want to fucking paint. What's those Irish people that sing? Those

Irish dancers? Not the Fab Five. Huh? You know, they have a play in the city where there's Irish dances. It doesn't matter. What I'm saying is I'll go dance with an Irish band. But why the fuck

are you going to do something that, yeah, pays you sensational and you can't get another job paying you that. After 10 years, you're going to burn out and quit anyway. You're going to get into a fight with somebody. You're going to, because the anger builds. What's the difference?

That's how I picked stand-up. I picked stand-up because I didn't have any other options. It wasn't like I had a fucking, you know, my options. Well, yeah, they'll start entry-level somewhere. Great. With no college degree. That's always going to get you far in that company. And eventually, you're always going to have a fucking boss.

So look at that. What are you grinning about? What did you get new teeth or something like that? down here. No, I'm just I have no idea what you started with then. About what?

What do you mean about what? This is why, bro, you don't do no training. You got to train. I train all the time. This fucking day, I tell them to train. Do they listen to me guys? No, they think it's a joke. They want to be comics, but they want to do it

half fast. This is one. Edible is part of being a comic. That's the steroid. You know, the guy of illegal substances, the NFL and the UFC, there's none. And we can use them to our full potential. Because I know I do my best work when I'm 800 milligrams under. Jesus Christ.

That's a reason. It makes you loose. It takes that stick out of your ass. For me, that's what it does. For some people, can be two shots of Jake. Yeagermeister can be two shots of Jack Daniel. Everybody has a different thing, right, brother? And that's it and that's that.

Wednesday night, we're in fucking Brooklyn, guys. And then Friday and Saturday, I don't know if you got your tickets. His tickets left. Look for Saturday night. Take your time. Go out. Stay home Friday night. Give you a wife a stabbing.

Saturday you wake up. You go on Oceans.com. You get yourself two tickets. You come on down and we'll see you after the fucking show. There's no t-shirts. There's no hats. I'm not banging out for CDs. I just want you to come down.

and watch the show and have a good time. And that's it. That's the only show I got on tap. This week until fucking October is on November. And that's it and that's that. You good? Sure. I'm good too.

Look at the shape of you. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. I'll see you in AC most of you. Love you.