Unlonely with Dr. Jody Carrington - I Belong Here: Building Real Connection in a Disconnected World: Marli Williams

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

You can have 1,000 Facebook friends and no one to feed your dog.In this heartfelt, hilarious, and soul-shifting convo with the one and only @marliwilliams, we dive deep into what it really means to feel seen, held, and connected. From adult friendships to leadership energy to nervous system regulation (yes, bitch!), this one is for the humans craving real-deal belonging.We talk about:Why “I belong here” is your new mantraConnection as a muscle you build by doing scary thingsHow great leaders create safety, not just resultsAnd yes, the vulnerable magic of JOY (dimples and all)Come for the giggles, stay for the truth bombs! You ready?Check out Marli here:@marliwilliamshttps://www.marliwilliams.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

At the beginning of every episode, there will always be time for an acknowledgement. You know, the more we do this, people ask, why do you have to do the acknowledgement? and every episode, I've got to tell you, I've never been more grateful for being able to raise my babies on the land where so much sacrifice was made. And I think what's really critical in this process is that the ask is just that we don't forget. So the importance of saying these words at the beginning of every episode will always be of utmost importance to me and this team. So everything that we created here today,

for you happened on Treaty 7 land, which is now known as the center part of the province of Alberta. It is home of the Blackfoot Confederacy, which is made up of the Sikika, the Kainai, the Pekini, the Tatina First Nation, the Stony Nakota First Nation, and the Métis Nation Region 3. Our job, our job as humans, is to simply acknowledge each other. That's how we do better, be better, and stay connected to the good. What, hi there you saucy chickens. Welcome back, welcome in. Dr. Jody Carrington here.

Another season of Unlone, and this episode today was a fun one. I met the incredible Marley Williams at a conference for speakers. Yes, they do exist because none of us really know what in the name of Jesus we're doing. And so our incredible friends at Impact 11 decided to create a community of speakers. And as I was just hanging out there, mine in my own business, this spark of light comes into the room. And her name is Marley Williams. And they're for the same reason as me. And we have, you know, very similar messages.

And I was just taken aback by her insights, her knowledge, and just mostly her ability to communicate it. And I just really wanted this community to meet her. And so just I'll tell you a little bit more. She's a keynote speaker, master facilitator, and calls herself a joy instigator, which is, I'd say, pretty bang on tracks all day, who has spent the past 20 years in leadership development. She is on a mission to help leaders elevate their energy, activate their impact, and lead fully charged.

Amen. She is the host of Let's Lead Together podcast and creator of the Connect deck, which she gave me and it's so friggin' fun. When she isn't speaking, you can find Marley. hiking on the trail with her dog summit and journey. She's a big dog person, huge fan of her partner. She speaks about it in this, speaks about her in this episode. And I just, I really was fascinated to dive into how she has become so magnetic on stages with leaders, just really desperate for answers. So, um, dive in. I hope you love it.

Okay. Welcome back. Welcome in. My sweet little muffins. Now, somebody told me once when I said sweet little muffin tops, people like came at me and they were like, you should be careful about body shaming. And I was like, listen, the muffin top is the best fucking part of the whole deal. So that's why I use it. Okay. So take it down. And we are here today with the funniest most delightful muffin top I have ever met in my whole life, Marley Williams. And I got to tell you, here's my backstory. We met at a speaking conference. So, no, where you go to get to become a better speaker. And this woman gets up on stage and just like kills it. And it's got the greatest energy of all time. And like we just, anyways, had lots of great conversations. And I just knew this community

needed to know her. And so that's the, welcome, Marley. Well, thank you so much for having me. Happy to be here. Oh, my God. Tell us all the things because leadership, belonging, human connection, all the things that, you know, we talk about in this platform is what you embody. And right now, tell us where you are, how you started in this business. I want to know all of it. All of it.

Well, like I said, I am so stoked to be here, so honored. And, you know, I think that as a speaker, as an entrepreneur, it has been a journey. you know, I think that they say that entrepreneurship is like the biggest personal growth journey that will ever go on. And it's really interesting. I remember my background is in outdoor education and I have a master's in education. And it was, it was really this outward bound course that like totally changed my life. But when I remember leaving my full-time job, working at a university in education, and I hired a coach to help me figure out like kind of what is, what is my mission in this world? Like,

What is, I'm, like, passionate about so many things. And she did what she called this, like, zone of genius assessment, right? And she, like, interviewed all these people from my life. And I filled out all these forms and I sent all these surveys out to people. And the title that she came back with was, like, out of all the things I've done, all the skills that I have was community strategist. She said, your mission in this world is to build community, is to bring people together. and to help people feel a sense of belonging. And I feel like that has really been my mission ever since.

It's really like I think that we're all looking for something to believe in and belong to. And so tell me that about for you because, you know, what has that experience been like to be in your body in this lifetime? Tell us about that because it always resonates for us about, you know, where our stories come from. What has happened in our life to sort of give us a sense of, you know, why do we want to build belonging, human connection? What's it felt like for you? Where's that belonging piece? Why does that resonate so good for you?

Yeah, it's really interesting as someone who's very extroverted. You know, I can walk into a networking event, a room full of people, and I can connect with people. Yeah. And I always felt, I felt like I knew a lot of people, but I didn't feel known. Ooh. Say that one more time. It's like I knew a lot of people, but I didn't feel known. I like that. How many of us feel like that.

This level of like, you know, depth and, you know, even intimacy or connect. Like I could connect kind of in this way. And I loved meeting like all of these different people. And there was a shift in my life where I'm like, well, who are the people that I can count on? Who are the people that I can call when like, you know, shit hits the fan or things go south or I need to ride to the airport? Whatever it is. It's like, who are my people? And am I being intentional with building kind of deeper connections with folks? And I think that there's levels of connection, right? I think that there can be a sense of, you know, in a lot of studies that they talk about

this term that they call social integration. And social integration is like, you know, knowing the name of the barista and like knowing the people that you work out with, like this kind of, I'm not going to maybe call you when I need some, you know, when something's going on. But I feel the sense of belonging and connection and community. So we all have that layer, but we also need this like, this depth of belonging with people that like, I know you, you know me, I can count on you, you can count on me. And realizing like my need for that and as someone who like moved around a lot, when I would

move to a new city, it was like, where are my people? Who are me people? And how can I build, be really intentional with building community? I think that sometimes we think it should just happen. Yeah. You know, but it does take work. Is this true? It takes, it takes work.

And it's really about being intentional with like, I remember, you know, I lived in a small town called Bellingham, Washington. I worked at the university and I had a pretty big sense of belonging working there. Okay. And leaving that job, you know, there's an identity shift that happens when we when we maybe leave a job or a career or people are like empty nesters like we have these identities and leaving that and then really being like, where are my people? Yeah. And I would come to Portland and find these,

you know, these entrepreneurs and coaches and speakers and thought leaders and like this whole world opened up. And, you know, I was like, I want to be in rooms with people that are doing the work that I want to do. And again, looking for that sense of belonging connection community for people that will challenge me, inspire me, lift me up, support me, encourage me, and really help me in a way see what's possible for myself. Do you think it's harder now? I mean, I did this piece on adult friendships, not very long ago. And people are like, this has been the biggest request lately about, like, can we talk more about adult friendships? So does that become, why, do you think it's harder now to sort of find that sense of belonging. I mean, as Esther Perel says this,

you know, you can have a thousand friends on Facebook and nobody to feed your dog. Yeah. It is, there's such an interesting piece for me in this shift in this generation of the breadth of relationship and the depth of relationship. Okay. And what I think, you know, to your point, I, this really like hit me so hard this last few months. My, my, my dad died just two months ago, now almost two months ago. And I, when that happened, it was so interesting to me. So, I mean, my husband, fine. My kids, great. But what I really wanted to do was get home to my brother, the one who knew my dad the best.

And my two best friends from kindergarten, you know. And when I saw each of them, like there was no words, there was no need for it. There was just like an utter collapse of emotion. And I, it reminded me about the importance of the depth of relationship that you just can't replicate. And in this ease of finding people so easily, right? you know, you can hook up with somebody on Instagram because like, oh, my God, remember we dated in college or like, oh, there's my bit. Oh, my God. Look at you. You're divorced now. So cute. Like, it's so easy to just sort of like fill those voids when we feel really disconnected. So talk to me a little bit about like how, like what are the challenges now, given this current environment? Do you see that that becomes a big issue? And particularly in adulthood, how do we get good at those things when we feel everybody is. disconnected. It's such a good question.

You know, I think that, like you said, we live in this world right now where we have like the illusion of connection. Yes. This 100, you know, 1,000 friends on Facebook and no one to call. No one to feed your dog. No one to take you to the airport. And it's crazy. I live 12 minutes from the airport.

I have friends that live on my, you know, like, and how are we, are we not giving people the opportunity to show up for our, to show up for us? We're not giving them the opportunity to show up for us because we, it's this like, we got to do it all by ourself, this kind of individualistic mindset. And we are, we are, you know, the sense of community that I think that we all are hungry for and we all need is part of what it means to be human. And I think that in this very kind of isolated world, it really does, I think, require a lot of intentionality, especially. As adults, right? Like in school or college, again, you're like living in dorms or you're like on a soccer team or whatever it is and you have this camaraderie and you have this community. But as a adult and, you know, and maybe for some people, it's their, it's their church, it's their synagogue, it's their mosque, right?

Like it might be a religious community. But like if you don't feel like you have a sense of community or belonging in the workplace and you aren't involved in any like communities outside of the workplace and you just go to work and then you come home, You know, and maybe you have a dog or, you know, maybe you have kids or family. But I think we all need connection and community, even outside of our family. Our family is one piece of the puzzle. But it's like, you know, as adults, I think that there is this, it does take work. And, and again, being intentional with it. Okay.

Versus we think that, oh, it should just happen. And if I don't have friends, it means there's something. wrong with me versus this is a this is like I'm going to actually put time and energy into finding my people and going and doing things that nourish me as an as an entrepreneur or like I want to take this dance class or I want to work out and it's like you know I go to a workout class and it's like I'm intentional with like introducing myself to people yeah it doesn't just happen okay and sometimes there are people like I I remember going to this networking event.

And I used to be that person who's like, I have to meet everyone. And now I'm like, I want to make one new meaningful connection. Nice. With someone I'm actually going to follow up with. And I remember being at this networking event. And these two women introduced themselves who were a couple. And I was like, them. Those people.

Those are my people. And it's like, notice who you notice and pay attention to what captures your attention. and lean into it. We are too busy playing it way too cool. Really? I just think that this like playing it cool vibe, like, oh, I don't want to go over and say anything or I don't want to say hi or I don't want to be awkward versus like walking up to them and say, wow, I loved what you said

about the work that you did. I'd love to get a cup of coffee. It's vulnerable. Yeah. It's because it puts us this. A rejection is so fucking hard. Rejection, judgment, and feeling awkward and, you know. And like, don't you think confidence plays into this?

Like, I would just imagine listening to this. Like, it'd be like, okay, so that's easy for you, Miss Marley Williams, who you, like, can walk into a room and light it up, like, without even fucking opening your mouth. You should see, I don't know if you can see this. Like, she's got the greatest dimples of all time. So you just flash one of them or two of them. And people are like, oh, my God, I love you. We got dints over here.

Right? And then, but like, if you're, I mean, I just think about so many people these days that are just overwhelmed with so much anxiety. And, you know, how do you even start that conversation? What do you even do in this place? And I, like, where does that start? And I, and I'm going to guess, you know, you're talking about just starting small. You don't have to like change the world and go into 56 networking ideas. But like, how do you coach people? Because I want to get it into the leadership space in a minute. But like, how do you coach people to sort of be? Where do we even start when that just feels too fucking scary? Yeah. There's so many directions we can go. I think one, one. One. thing that I've done a lot of work on is really regulating my nervous system. Nervous system regulation. And part of that is, you know, I had a mantra for a while of like, I belong here.

Any room I walk into to tell my not waiting for other people to give me permission that I belong, I belong. That's so great to decide that. that. So, so you would say to yourself when you walk into rooms, I belong here. I belong here. Wow. In your head. Yeah. Sometimes out loud. And like, can we just talk about how critical that is in the, the neural wiring that, you know, just if, if I were to slow down anybody's head, like, I just, I mean, I'm picturing us walking into Impact 11 now, but like walking into like a school dance or walking into like, you know, the, the hockey meeting or like, you know, your new dance class, whatever. And going

like oh fuck did i wear the right pants like am i too fat god i hate this oh my god oh that bitch is here versus you feel that space in your head with i belong here i belong here yeah so it's it's really like paying attention to what what's the story we're telling ourselves about ourselves and what's the story we're telling ourselves about ourselves wow love that and and i think that that there are stories that serve us and there are stories that stop us. You know, who's the hell am I? I don't belong here. I look weird.

I'm not wearing the right clothes. I don't have the right shoes. Like all these stories that are keeping us. It's like our brains are so hardwired to keep us safe. Right. And anytime we're doing something that I like to say is fun comfortable. maybe it's a little fun maybe it's a little uncomfortable but when you bring them together it's uncomfortable and that is where we are growing and I think that we confuse kind of like

this idea of I want to feel safe with like oh I'm uncomfortable it's like how can I create a sense of safety even when I'm uncomfortable ooh like this feels edgy and stretchy that's what I like to say. This feels edgy and stretchy to walk up to someone I don't know, to take a new up a new hobby, to learn something new as an adult, to make a new friend. Wow. Like, do you know your next door neighbors? It feel it's uncomfortable. Let's say you've lived next to them for five years. You still don't know their name. It's uncomfortable to like walk next door, knock on the door and say, I baked you some cookies. I finally wanted to introduce myself. It's crazy we've lived next to each other for this long, I just wanted to come over and say hi.

Oh, my gosh. These moments of like, how can we be, it's like learning to be okay with that discomfort and knowing that that is like a muscle that we build. It's not like, you know, this idea of some people are confident, they're born with confidence and some people aren't. It is a muscle we build when we do scary things. It's a muscle we build when we do scary things. It's a muscle we build when we do scary things.

And I want you to hear that wherever you are right now because I think this is the biggest block to so many of us. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to, you know, like I've been rejected so many times. I'm more comfortable in my chaos than I am in the calm. Okay, yep, got it. I'm always this way. This is just who I am.

But listen, bitch, there is a time where you have to challenge those conversations just a little bit. And I'm not saying that, you know, like we're going to just completely. at least shut down your nervous system, but really start to think about I belong here or what would happen if. And I, to your point, I was just thinking about this. I was outside in my pajamas, weeding my, like, front yard the other day, which is probably not a good idea. But I just like, I was like, oh, I should just step out. And then I was out there just flopping around. And my neighbor, Darrell came over. Now, Darrell is in his 80s. And we have lived in this cul-de-sack for two years.

And he comes shuffling over. And I was like, oh, dear, here we go. He is the coolest. He's like, my wife, Nancy and I, we've been here. for 15 years. And I was like, you don't say. And he said to me, I see you've been traveling a lot. And now listen, I've not spoke to this man ever. Okay. And I said, oh, yeah?

He's like, my daughter's a teacher and she's a big fan. I was like, stop, Darrell. You are the best. What's your daughter's name? Send her over next time. Like, come on. Yeah. Right?

Like, and I write books about connection. I didn't even know Darrell. Okay? And so we're not. Yeah, I think to your point, I mean, we can be so, there's so many opportunities at every juncture, right? 100%, you know, and it's not making ourselves wrong. It's just, you know, I think, I heard about this recently, you know, the difference between like a gratitude journal, which I love, you know, I love gratitude here for it versus a contribution journal. Ooh, tell me more. And I heard this from Adam Grant and the idea of a contribution journal, we love Adam, you know.

And it's like, how have I made someone's life or day better just by me being in it? How have I contributed? How have you made somebody's life better today? Well, and my hope is like, you know, getting to be on this podcast and sharing thoughts or ideas that might serve or resonate or help people. And it's like we get so much, I think, when I think about like energy, which we're going to get into, it's like this like life force, this by. vitality like my life matters i think we all want to matter we all want to belong we all want to contribute and we think that we have to wait for this like grand moment to make a difference yeah but like every moment you know how we interact again how we interact with the people

around us how can i make someone's life just a little bit better yeah it could mean opening the door giving someone a smile like nodding your head acknowledging our humanity, acknowledging each other, having a moment on the street with your neighbor. You know, my neighbors watch my dogs all the time. Like, they let them out when I'm traveling. And, you know, they do it in the goodness of their heart. And the other day, I know that they have this, like, favorite ice cream place that they love to go to in the neighborhood. And I went and got a $50 to gift card. And, like, they were just like, oh, my God, you didn't have to. And it's just like, just this, like, acknowledgement, this moment of a

appreciation, this moment of gratitude, it's like, those are simple things that we can do to, you know, create that connection. Because when we do feel connected, it's like, you know, talking about like, how do we create a world that is, isn't lonely anymore. And, you know, you are so amazing in this world of leadership. I know you speak all over the U.S., you know, talking about to organizations and people about like sort of how to create that connection at work. What do you think leaders are up against these days? Why do you think, you know, you're in such high demand? And, you know, why do you think, you know, so many people feel sort of so lost in this, this landscape currently as, you know, we're trying to build teams,

lead teams, you know, we're up against an unprecedented amount of burnout. Why are we here? And what are you bringing to these stages? Yeah. I think in this world of, you know, artificial intelligence, right, AI and this like, this kind of need for speed. I was writing this actually today was this idea of like authentic intelligence. Yeah. And energy intelligence and the energy of leadership. And I think that there's because of this need for speed, I think that that has really gotten in the way of the people part of work.

Like let's just get it done as fast as possible. I don't care who I hit. run over her along the way, let's get to the end as fast as possible. And I always say, the point of life or any goal is not to get to the end as fast as possible, right? You think about the point of life. The point of life is not, let's get to the end of it as fast as possible. The point of our life is how much can we enjoy the ride?

Yeah. And so it's both, right? How can we create this outcome, results driven, you know, work. place we do have goals we have metrics we want to hit and when people feel heard seen loved valued supported appreciated guess what you're going to get there just as fast they say or it's like if you want to go somewhere fast go alone alone if you want to go far go together this this idea of of perspective of the speed versus this like again it's almost like the breath versus depth do I know the people on my team I did a team building workshop and I literally just gave people

prompts to like meet each other right and I had people say I've walked by this person's desk for the past five years and I didn't know that they had a wife and two kids and loved playing basketball whatever the thing was yeah I've walked by this person's desk for five years and I didn't you know we don't make time for it yeah and here's why I important, okay? People are hard to hate close up. And when we do this, I mean, okay, so this is some of the data that I think is really interesting. So loneliness at work is contributes to 45% lower productivity, innovation, creativity, all of those things are significantly impacted if your employee based identifies as lonely. And we know right now that, you know, Vivek Murthy

talked a lot about this, he's the former surgeon general in your country. He said, we're in a loneliness epidemic. This isn't a mental health crisis because as humans, we are neurobiologically wired for connection. Now, the hardest thing we will ever do is look at each other. And so we're up against it because we've never had this many exit ramps. So to your point, we are in this place where, you know, those of us who speak the good word of connection do not know their neighbors. Or I remember, I know how powerful it is to stop and give somebody a compliment at the Dairy Queen or, you know, to take the time out of my day. And what is so critically important to me about that is that if I am doing more of those things, I know I'm healthier. That's like my tell.

When I stop doing those things or when I haven't done those things for a while, when, you know, Daryl reminds me that I've lived in this cul-de-sac for two years and I don't know his name. Okay. You know, what am I missing in that point? And so when, what are some of the things we're talking about now in teams to sort of, I mean, short of like getting a team building expert in, which like so many of us, like so many teams are like, fuck that. I'm not like doing some like falling activity where I have to catch the arms of my, you know, whatever. But like, you know, what are we doing? What are we sort of encouraging people to do? Is it, is it as simple as sort of like notice more or are there, you know,

strategies to sort of get us there? Yeah. I think, you know, part of the. comes back to company culture and values. Tell me. Right? So it's like if we say we value connection, belonging, community, whatever word that you use, are we living that? Okay. And if so, how?

Yeah. One of the biggest mistakes as leaders make and even, you know, event planners, as the speaker, I go to these events and it's like, we want, you know, what are your goals for the event? We want people to connect. And then there's like this like open bar networking happy hour. But there's no... facilitated moment for that to happen in a meaningful way. And I say, just because people are

in the same room does not mean they're going to connect. So we need to facilitate that a bit more on purpose. We have to give them a reason to. And there's a way to do it without it being like overly contrived or overly cheesy. But it's like, how do we weave this into the fabric of our meetings, our conversations? This is what we do here. This is how we do. it? How do we onboard people? You know, like that first day on the job and someone's like, here's your desk, peace. Yeah. You know, but it's like, what are we doing to actually intentionally say, this is how we do things here to create a sense of community connection and belonging? And how can you co-create that with people? No one wants to be told what to do. But yet,

we're all lonely. So it's kind of like how not just saying like we're lonely so these are all the things we're going to do. It's like what would help you feel more connected in the workplace? And like those can happen in a survey. It can happen in a conversation. It can happen at one on one. It can happen in groups. But like get to know the people that you serve, that you lead, that you work with. And you know, one of the things I love is like creating shared moments and shared meaning. doing an experience together that feels fun, that feels unique, that feels, you know, and when people are playing, they're more likely to connect. They're more likely to share to open up.

And like you said, when you can't hate somebody if you know them up close. How are we creating more moments like that? More moments like that. And because the most vulnerable emotion on the planet, you know the most vulnerable, what is the most vulnerable emotion? Do you know what that is? I think it's joy, but I'd be curious. You are right.

Why? And so many people are like, it's shame, it's fear. That's when I'm at my most vulnerable. No, ma'am. It is when you are in joy. And so many times, you know, I lately I've been having these conversations about like, when is the last time you belly laughed? When is the last time you danced in your kitchen sober?

When is the last time you were like, you know, just silly? And I think there's so much, you know, we heard this at Impact 11, which I thought was really interesting. Pete talked a lot about you have to be funny on stage to be successful. And, like, I love that because, you know, I mean, first of all, you and I are fucking hilarious. But I, but I never, I really underestimated, I think, the, um, the power of sort of disarming people with humor and really sort of taking to light this idea that, like, joy is the most vulnerable emotion. So if I got you laughing, you're going to listen, right? Versus if I'm giving you all the facts and feedback and I'm trying to, like, you know, give you the stuff, it's not nearly as important.

And I like, I can't remember if I don't think I told you this. But so I went to Mel Robbins show and like it wasn't as good as I anticipated. It was so simple. So simple. And right, which her messages are a little bit different than mine. Like, you know, very clear like, you know, five, four, three, two, one, get out of bed. She was literally in a bed on stage. I don't know that I've ever brought a bed out to the stage.

But she's in the bed. Get on it. And like the people were losing it. They were like, yeah. I was like what what there's something so I think important in understanding that we can only take so much sometimes and it is the basics that we really need to forget you know or that we so easily forget in this noisy world but yes it is just a wave yes it is just you got to get yourself the next best right kind thing is the only thing that matters in this process you can do that 100% yeah and even just like, you know, I ask people at the end of that team building, you know, what are you, what are you going to do differently? I always say at the end of my talks, if we leave here and nothing changes, we've missed the whole point. I love that. We've missed the whole point. Yeah.

What are you going to do with what you learned here when you leave here? Oh, yeah. That's where the magic happens. That's the work. So, you know, we can have these great conversations here, but what will you do on Monday when you come in to work? And it's like, oh, every day I walk by these people's desks and I don't even say hi, even just saying hi, to feel, I notice you, you notice me, we work on the same team, we, you know, we care about our mission, you know, we're on the same, like, we have the same goals and remembering that, those small little touch points, those small little moments go such a long way and make such a big impact. Again, we don't have to do these like grandiose things, but it's like, how can I create these moments of connection?

And, you know, my partner has taught me so much about connection. Has she and tell me. And from the depth perspective, I think that sometimes we're scared to ask people questions. Yeah. We're, you know, beyond how, you know, we say, what do you do? How's it going? You know, someone says, if someone doesn't say good or fine, we're done for. Yeah.

Yeah, I didn't mean it. I really want to know what's going on or when someone says they shared about their dog or their cat or their mom or their sister. And then the next time you see them, hey, how's your sister doing? Mm-hmm. I love that. And I think we talked about this a little bit, too. It's like this is the question between how are you and how are you really? Yeah.

And when somebody says to me, how are you? I mean, it's so easy to be like, good. It's so good. Like the kids are good. Marriage is good. like it's so great everything. Fuck that. And if somebody says to me, how good are you really, it can take me down to my knees. Yeah. Because it's like, oh, because it almost like forces you to do a little bit of a reflection, right? And I think that, you know, so many of us, I don't know that we

really want the answer. So asking that question when you want the answer, I think is a really important lesson. Because you can feel it, right? When somebody really, how are you really? Unless you are really open to hearing that answer, don't ask it. And I think it's practicing. our listening and our attention and our presence as humans, as leaders, as, you know, are we really paying attention to the people around us, the people that we serve? What's being said and what's not being said. Yeah, yes, yes. Tell me a little bit about energy because you, you know, you speak a lot about that.

And, you know, just even your, you know, your partner, the brilliance of sort of like talking about the connection piece that is so important to her. I want to know more about that place because, I mean, I'm such a fake, like, woo-woo enthusiast because I think it's all bullshit one minute, but I'm so into everything that the universe has to bring right now. And this is my season of, like, being open to all of it. And I'm just, like, I'm fascinated. So tell me everything about how that works and, like, your take on the universe and what's happening and all the things. All the things. Well, when I think about your energy is the thing that people feel the moment you walk into a room.

Okay. Before you even say a word. And the question that I love to ask people is what shows up when you show up? When you walk into a room, what is there that wasn't there before? And do you know what it is? to me leadership is about cultivating this like such this the strong sense of self awareness you know do you bring curiosity wonder excitement joy you know playfulness or do you walk into a room and you're like ah like things are crazy and you're complaining and there's judgment and there's

negativity and like when we live in a crazy world right now and there are a lot of things to be angry about. The thing about leadership, it's about taking 100% responsibility for the energy you bring when you walk into that room. And it doesn't mean that you have to be fake or inauthentic. It just means that like, am I slowing down enough to be aware that my energy, especially as a leader, I mean, anybody on any team, but especially as a leader, it trickles. down into everyone else and that that like to take responsibility for it you know if you have teams and people that are there there's drama people are complaining it's like really looking at yourself to be like what's the energy I'm showing up with how am I leading and I could also show up

and say wow my my kid is sick and I'm really struggling today that's real and I'm here to show up and serve. And what do we need to do on the drive to work, on the walk-in to work, to be able to show up and serve? That's one of my mantras as a speaker. And, you know, as a leader, it's like, I'm here to show up and serve. So part of that is not just managing our time, but managing our energy. Really understanding what do I need to resource myself so that I can lead effectively and intentionally. I think it's not always about being high energy. It's about being intentional with your energy. Because you're not going to be on every day. And I think that's, here's full, full permission. Okay. Like, your idea isn't to absolutely change. You're not good enough to undo

multiple generations of abuse, neglect, and trauma. Okay. You're not good enough to get that person out of their, you know, they're having a terrible divorce. Your job isn't a Mary Poppancy ever loving Jesus at everything, which is what I really think everybody thinks this. is about, right? Get in there and just, we're going to sugarcoat everybody and like, oh, my God, like, let's plant a tree. Like, no, don't be dumb. It's the idea of how do we really be conscious of how much we've invested in ourselves so that we have the capacity to hold space for other people. And I think it's not about shifting anything. It's about not making everybody happy because this is, I think, one of the major problems. You know, I ask this of parents or of partners all the time,

what's your greatest wish for your partner, your children. It's like, I just want them to be happy. that's so dumb because we're not happy all the time. What I would love you to do is be able to say to me, I just want to create a place where everybody feels safe to fill all the emotions. So on their biggest, baddest day, I got it. On their best,

on our most successful day when we're nailing everything right off the mark and everything's going great, great, great, great. And on the days that it's like we just lost 16 contracts. Okay. I am in a place where I can hold space for all of those things. And I think that's the mark of really good leadership is that you, you then, but that requires, as you said, this responsibility that, like, listen, you will never

have the perfect team. You will never orchestrate the place where everybody's going to be happy and healthy and, you know, connected and emotionally regulated and not full of trauma. You will be leading all the people all the time. And so the only thing we have control over then is what are we doing for you? What are we doing for? What am I doing for me? And I'm not going to get it right. I mean, I say this all the time, Marley, like I, I'm where? I, like, I've written books about it. I know that I shouldn't charge my phone beside my bed. I know that if I'm well rested, I'm a much better speaker, a much better parent, a much better wife. I know all those things. And then I watch Narcos till 2 o'clock in the morning. Like, it's also both and. And so grace becomes a big part in there.

But the more knowledge you have about what makes you the best, what gives you access to the best of you is where the work is. And then you do it to the best of your capacity. A hundred percent. You know, I think that sometimes we think that leadership is this thing that we do to other people or for other people. And to me, this energy piece is really like that, that self-leadership. Like, how am I showing up for myself? And how am I also acknowledging my own humanity? Because we can should, like, we can just be so hard on ourselves of like, I'm not, you know,

there's always something to work on. Like, I am like a self-help personal development, like read all the books, do all the things and that could be so daunting and so overwhelming and that can be energetically depleting versus thinking I'm always learning and growing and what does it look like for me to be the best version of me today yeah and have like that same like the grace and compassion for myself and for my team you know because when it comes to this energy piece there's two parts pieces of the puzzle when someone walks into a room you know when they walk into a meeting a workplace an event again they're asking, am I safe here?

And do I belong here? And how is your energy as a leader having people say, yes, I feel safe and yes, I belong? It's something that you feel. And again, so it's not about like, rah, rah, cheerleader, da-da-da. It's like, I see you, I hear you. I acknowledge, you know, the reality of what it means to be human, whether like that shit is heading the fan or we're having a huge win. As a leader, what is your capacity to hold and be with it all? And for people to feel safe to come to you that like, wow, I'm really struggling right now

or wow, this is going really well. And they feel safe. Yeah. And so what if somebody says to you right now, they're listening to this podcast and they're like, okay, well, I don't have that capacity. What is, where does the work start? That is a great question. I think the work starts with. like am i i mean for me when i think about the work i've done is am i am cultivating the skills to hold that capacity for myself yeah yes yes it's you start right like start with me yeah and saying like can i be with all the things mm-hmm and i you know can i be okay on the days that i'm that i'm struggling can i can i celebrate the wins can i hold myself when things are hard and it's like i i think that the piece is seeing that it's a skill set that nobody's taught. Yeah. So it's not making ourselves

wrong. It's like, oh, wow. And what is my capacity right now? Yeah. Yeah. And what do I need? What are some small, again, I call them like one degree shifts that we don't need to change everything for everything to change. Mm. Sometimes it's just the smallest change. Stop that right now. We don't need to change everything for everything to change so this isn't about you know like i have to go and do like a million push-ups and sleep a million hours and like read all the books it's like 10 more minutes asleep one push-up yeah one like you know three breaths you know it's like yeah one a one-minute meditation i don't know it's like what are these small shifts small one-degree shifts that we can make it's like really I think it's like checking in with ourselves like what do I need right now

and I think it's just starting to get to know ourselves because sometimes it's like I don't know what I need yes I have no idea what I need and I think we ask this question all the time you know like you know how are you feeling give me that answer like but it's like sort of for me it really becomes like where do you feel safest where do you feel at your best let's start there okay and you know who are you with when your shoulders are down and And if you're saying to me nobody, you know, you can't think of something like that. And many people can. Many people, I mean, it doesn't matter.

There's not a right answer here. It always comes back to me to this place of like, okay, so where am I in my own body? And, you know, to your point, this neurophysiology is I think the answer of this next generation. Because none of us have been very, we haven't been taught. And particularly in this mental health space, it's always about let's change your thoughts to change your behavior. And we do a lot of like, okay, so, you know, what do you feel? we never really say, where do you feel it in your body? And it's like, I think that's the number one question that I ask people at the time because

it's like, what happened? You know, police officers say this to me all the time. Well, this happened and this, you know, we shot this person. This happened. Then, okay, mm-hmm, that's great. I don't need to know the logistics. I want to know where you feel it. And then most people are like, what do you mean?

Where do I feel it? And in your body, in this moment, when we talk about this hard thing or when you consider what it was like to come into this room or do this work or whatever it is, where do you feel it in your body? And most people will talk about it in their core, either. in their throat or their belly, because that is where it sort of gets us when we feel like we've failed or we've let people down or all of those kind of things, right? But it's always there that we'll then get our shoulders up.

And when we are, our shoulders are up, we lose access to the best parts of us, not our ability to be great. We lose access to it. So it always starts in that space of like, okay, bring it back home. When you can remind yourself, I belong here. In this moment, I am safe in this body. That starts to create the development of neural pathways. Just do that once a day.

that's all right start small we don't need to change everything for everything to change charge your phone outside your room one night a week do the things that give you a little bit more grace in this space you don't have to do it all at once hey yeah 100% and really pay attention you know it's like again I think it there's just this noticing there's a subtle noticing that like it doesn't happen when we're so busy we're so distracted we're so depleted that we don't have that time to like, you know, hit the pause button, so to speak, or slow down and say, what, what, what are the things that drain me and what are the things that sustain me? What's the fuel for my fire? What, you know, what do I love to do that gives me

that energy that I need? And that's different for everyone. Right. Some people, like, they want to go on a hike in the woods. Some people want to spend time with friends. Some people want to read a book on couch. Some people need that, you know, like, whatever that is for you, but knowing yourself well enough, where am I at? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being like, let's freaking go. And zero is like, I don't want to do anything. Where am I at? And what do I need? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And asking yourself that question all the time. And I, like, it was so funny, I was thinking about this today because it's Friday and when we're taping this. And I'm like, you know, it was, I don't know, whatever, 1 o'clock this afternoon and I was like I have nothing left like it's Friday I just want to have a nap

and we come from a generation that has taught us that rest is lazy and so like having a nap is asinine because you know one previous generation they were right about that because you only had eight hours of productivity right you could only reach people people are only working you know and then when you would go home you can get nobody right and now I mean we have access all the time to all the people and no time to rest. And so we're doing work at midnight or we feel like we get up in the middle of the night and start to write emails because what else are we going to do? And so rest is the thing that I think, you know, is going to be the greatest intervention of all time. And so, I mean, I took a nap this afternoon. And I mean, I'm already thinking like I, it also could be because

I'm turning 50 next week. But I also feel like, happy early birthday. Thank you, buddy. But I feel like there's so much of this that is like you just, you will not be on all the time. And, nor do we expect you to be. And I think that that permission becomes really important. A hundred percent. Yeah. You do not have to be on all the time. You can't.

But it's this, I think it's just an invitation to check in with yourself. Because again, I wonder why we're burned out, we're overwhelmed, we're depleted, is because we aren't paying attention to those things. So it's not always doing more. It's slowing down and checking in. Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. Okay. This was dreamy. Now, I want to know everything. Where can people find you? And what's coming up next for Marley Williams? Let's go. You can find me in all the places. Marley, M-A-R-L-I, Williams on Instagram, marley-williams.com, my website. And what is coming up? I'm really doubling down on speaking. So, you know, if you're looking for a keynote speaker on the energy of leadership, belonging, connection. you can look me up in those places and I'd love to jam with you and you need to come to Canada so more often so listen I'm here for it let's go oh my god it's beautiful get me out of here

yeah oh my gosh thank you so much for being here I can't wait to see you again and um listen everybody um take care of yourself take care of each other and I really cannot wait to meet you right back here again next time The Unloanly podcast is produced by three incredible humans, Brian Seaver, Taylor McGilvery, and Jeremy Saunders, all of Snack Lab productions. Our executive producer, my favorite human on this planet, is Marty Pillar. Soundtracks were created by Donovan Morgan,

Unloney branded artwork created by Elliot Cuss, our big PR shooters, are Desvinoe and Barry Cohen. Our digital marketing manager is the amazing Shana Haddon. Our 007 secret agent from the Talent Bureau is Jeff Lowness. And emotional support is provided by Asher Grant, Evan Grant, and Olivia Grant. Go live! I am a registered clinical psychologist in Alberta, Canada.

The content created and produced in this show is not intended as specific therapeutic advice, The intention of this podcast is to provide information, resources, education, and the one thing I think we all need the most, a safe place to land in this lonely world. We're all so glad you're here. Thank you.