Unlonely with Dr. Jody Carrington - Jody Talks Leadership

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

In this episode, Dr. Jody chats all about leadership and how being a leader in any aspect of life is one of the hardest jobs we can have and also one of the most rewarding. She shares the secrets to being a great leader and how to make your employees, players, and community members feel valued and rise to their full potential. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

At the beginning of every episode, there will always be time for an acknowledgement. You know, the more we do this, people ask, why do you have to do the acknowledgement in every episode? I got to tell you, I've never been more grateful for being able to raise my babies on a land where so much sacrifice was made. And I think what's really critical in this process is that the ask is just that we don't forget. So the importance of saying these words at the beginning of every episode will always be of utmost importance to me and this team. So everything that we created here today for you happened on Treaty 7 land, which is now known as the center part of the province of Alberta. It is home of the Blackfoot Confederacy, which is made known as the center part of the province of Alberta.

It is home of the Blackfoot Confederacy, which is made up of the Siksika, the Kainai, the Pekinie, the Tatina First Nation, the Stony Nakota First Nation, and the Métis Nation Region 3. Our job, our job as humans, is to simply acknowledge each other. That's how we do better, be better, and stay connected to the good. Well, hello, dear ones. Welcome back. Welcome into the Everyone Comes From Somewhere podcast. Today, we're going to do a little solo episode about, I don't know, it always surprises me what's going to happen in every episode I do, but today we're going to try to stick to the topic of leadership. Okay, so something about

the games leaders play, the games that we are required to play in this place of leadership these days, coaching leadership, I think has never become more important because we're always looking for somebody, something to ground us. And I was reading some research the other day about like naturally born leaders, like who in the history of leadership, how like the evolution of leadership, this is something that is just so important, I think in any organization but certainly if you think about any community that has ever been established a community of animals a community of humans you know when we've all come together in the beginning of time how is it decided who would be a leader how who takes precedence for all those things and research

is really interesting around this stuff so I was looking at some of the things, you know, the traits that, you know, people typically who step into those roles are motivated to do so. So for some kind of reason, um, they either need a position or they feel like they have the knowledge or they have something to offer. There's often other traits that really become prominent in those in leadership positions, things like temperament, you know, you, a personality, some people don't want that responsibility, but there's also that piece that plays into it. There's often a very dominant trait to leaders that are affected because they, they have this capacity to take charge, right? When, you know, everybody's sort of looking at each other, they're like, okay, fuck it, let's move. And I think the other thing, you know, that I kind of

maybe already put into this place of motivation is knowledge. So if you think about people who, you know, you are stranded on the side of the road, um, and the leader in that particular case is going to be somebody, oh, you, there's five of you, you were on a bus, I don't know, in Mexico and the bus broke down. I don't, I don't even know where the story is going, but let's just pretend. Okay. So you're frolicking, you're on a trip in a foreign country. And there's a couple of things that you're going to look for in a leader in this moment. Maybe somebody who could speak the language. Oh, my goodness.

We have somebody there that can speak the language. Or we have a mechanic on board. Son of a gun, you are now the leader. So you understand how knowledge is sometimes really imperative in specific situations. So I was thinking about one of the other things that I don't think we talk a lot, a lot, a lot about in this place of leadership these days. You know, one of my favorite things to do, I think, is to consult with organizations around what what does it take these days? Because I think one of the things that we never ever talk about enough is that you typically lead the way you've been led. And in many hierarchical organizations, and this is true for all of us,

right? Like you parent the way you've been parented, unless there's some major intervention and you're like, I'm going to get better at parenting. I'm going to read shit. I'm going to do things differently. But to the core of us, what we tend to do is do things the way that our body knows how they've been done. And we're surrounded by people that would suggest the same thing. So if I think about things like in policing organizations or first responder worlds, it's like, this is the way that I came up through the ranks. And so this is the way I'm going to do it. Right. And, you know, I, I have said this many times. One of my favorite quotes of all time is, is Grace Murray Hopper, one of the first female admirals in the U.S. Navy. She said one of the most dangerous phrases in the English language is this.

It's always been done this way. And I think there are a couple of other things that become really critical when we're thinking about leaders these days that becomes so important to start to talk about. As I watch the difference between, you know, organizations that are growing, that are open, that are innovative and creative and are creating spaces where people want to come back to work. They want to come back together. They're excited when they get to have a meeting day. I mean, I remember our team has went through like ups and downs in terms of the size that we've expanded and went. But one of my favorite things when I think about our team of, I mean, I think at the max, we had 25 individuals all sort of vying for this same dream, which was how do we reconnect

a disconnected world? Those were my favorite days because there were some humans around that table that I just I wanted to spend time with. Right. And so part of the question becomes, how do you create a dynamic? It's really less so about the work you're producing, the things you're doing. Uh, I would say than it is about, um, some of those connections. And there often is the importance of being able to be innovative and creative that I think really determines how effective you are. Now, I think that if you look at like if you were to Google effective leaders, what are the characteristics and qualities of good leadership? And so like like this gets old for me so many times, right? Like, um, good communicator. Cool. Um, they have

to be good at delegating. Uh, they have to be active listening. Like what the fuck does active listening even mean? Okay. So I, I envision people practicing leadership skills in like some kind of like role play thing where they're like, um, I am disappointed that I didn't get the raise. Okay. And so then an active leadership exchange is like, I, what I hear you saying is you're disappointed that you didn't get the, like, fuck. And so I think like oftentimes in this place of communication, we're really at this very basic, here's the way you do it, one, two, three things that I think get really exhausting and old and all of those things.

So I want to talk about this a little bit differently, because when you look at and some of the best leaders, I think, you know, I've spent a few times like reading Lee Iacocca, for example, who was an infamous leader, a famous leader in Chrysler's history. So the thought is, if Leigh Iacocca wasn't present, Chrysler would have went bankrupt many, many times. And the question has been asked, you know, what characteristic did Leigh Iacocca bring to that organization that was different than anybody else? Because, you know, things like delegation and active listening and communication and, you know, whatever you can make decisions and shit

is okay, good. Check, check, check, check, check. Do you know what they talked a lot about with Lee Iacocca? His charisma. And there is a term, that term charisma is something that I don't think we hear a lot in this world of leadership development. And what I think is enveloped in that word comes with probably three things that I think are so critical when I look at leaders who are just fucking crushing it these days. Within charisma, there are three requirements. Emotional regulation, I think. You can't be charismatic. You can't be in this place of joking and engaged and knowledgeable if you are not emotionally regulated.

One of the greatest characteristics of any successful leader is that of emotional regulation. I'm going to unpack that in just a second. The other thing that I think is very important in charisma is passion. You can't fake passion. If you're super excited about your cattle feeder. Okay. I'm going to know that from the parking lot. If you've been hired as a marketing director for cattle feeders and you can give a fuck about cows, but God damn it, you're a good marketer. You know the specifics, you know how to communicate and delegate and active listen. I'm not buying your fucking cattle feeder. If you are in this place to be like, listen, I am so aware of the cost of goods in the world of milk production these days. And the world will always need to be

fed by farmers. We do some of the most important unseen work behind the scenes in our dairies, in our feedlots. And what I want is to make that easier for a farmer who just shows up no matter what, any hour of any night of any day because this is never an opportunity for you to take up. There's no breaks in farming if you are responsible for a 700 head dairy. And I just know that this is going to make it easier for you. This is the most efficient, effective cattle feeder fucking bin thing. I'm sure there's more important words. Aaron would be able to know this. My personal husband more than me, but you know what I mean? Like it doesn't matter necessarily the widget, the per,

the tree mover, the, the message of connection, uh, the oil and gas thing that you're responsible for, as much as it is understanding and knowing and believing passionately about the things that you do. And people within your organizations are hard to hate close up, understanding the origin story, understanding, you know, the things that, you know, the targets that we're going to hit, the people that we're going to influence, those two things are very different. The targets that we're going to hit is usually where every leader lands. I want you to think about the people you're going to influence. There usually is much more passion that lives there.

Okay. So charisma, I think is a word that we need to talk a little bit more about involves two things, emotional regulation, and this idea of passion. Okay. Which always rides shotgun to purpose. If we were to drill this down a little further, let's take a look at emotional regulation. I think it is the least talked about most important skill of any leader that's going to be successful on this planet. I don't give a shit if you're running, you're in a position

of leadership within your family, you're running a multi-million, billion, trillion dollar organization, or you're a startup that is like selling friendship bracelets for, that you made for Taylor Swift concerts, you know, irrelevant. Here's what makes leading an organization exciting. You understand that your job, number one, more than anything is to manage people. People have never been this assholery-ish in a history of the free world. I think it's fair to say that. I mean, I kind of make that up sometimes, but I feel like that's true. And there is some statistics to back that up in terms of a mental health crisis, anxiety, depression, uh, domestic violence, all of those things where we would be able to measure the offshoot of assholery ishness, which is,

can people be kind to each other? It's looking like we're really fucking struggling to stay on the kind bus. Okay. Marty and I were at, um, uh, like a restaurant yesterday. So we've been spending some time down in the States. And so I, it is remarkable to me. I think in every restaurant we've been in the last three, two days, we've got, I go over the top. Look, Hey, nice to see you. Thank you so much for this. We sat there. We didn't get our order for, I don't know. Nobody came to our table for 26 minutes in two separate restaurants. And, um, they were like, Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm like, Hey, listen, it's, it's totally okay. I it's, I mean, we're,

we got time. It's going to be fine. They're like, stop being so nice. That's what one guy said. You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to comp this meal. I was like, no, really, you don't have to. I like, I'm more than happy to play in three consecutive restaurants in the United States of America. I tell you the biggest superpower is wrapped up in this ability to be kind. What's connected to kindness is emotional regulation. Every single time you cannot be kind. If you're emotionally dysregulated, if you feel like nobody's listening to you, if you feel like you're ineffective in this position of leadership, you fucking hate the team you're leading. Get out. Because what I've lost is access to the good, the best part of you, which is the ability to

regulate emotion. Here's the definition of emotional regulation, how not to lose your mind. Okay. If you are a leader in any organization, your greatest job is to get better at learning how to stay calm in times of distress. And there's many ways we could talk about how you do that. But what I'm really interested in is this is really clarifying this concept, okay, of being able to, particularly in spaces where the expectation is, somebody is going to get frustrated, upset, or mad, because you just lost the game, or you didn't meet your cue for you, whatever, whatever, whatever. Your ability to stay common times of distress is so critical. The holidays are coming and nobody wants to deal with seasonal bugs making their way through

the family. That's where Maple comes in. No more scrambling for open clinics during holiday festivities. One membership covers the whole family, making it a gift that keeps on giving this season. And with over a million five-star reviews, Canadians are loving it. Don't let sickness slow down your season. Download the Maple app today. See a real doctor on your phone in minutes, 24-7. Get maple, get well, sooner. Think about this. When I ever ask anybody to consider their favorite leader, like what is, you know, in your whole time. And I don't care if it's like in a volunteer organization or, uh, you know, your soccer coach or, um, you know,

somebody who has been your boss at any organization, if you can get them in your head right now, your favorite leaders and let them all come in, you can have more than one. Typically just the thought of them will bring a smile to your face, will drop your shoulders. There's that really almost a somatic visceral response to being able to be in the presence of that person. Okay. And I will tell you, I will bet the farm on this, that their significant skill was they could regulate in times of distress. They were a very good walker, if you will. This quote that I use all the time from Ram Dass that defines everything we do in our brand. We are all just here walking each other home. I feel like some of our favorite people, some of the most effective leaders on the planet have the ability

to regulate emotion, to stay calm in times of distress. Okay. So just imagine if you're, for example, a principal of school, who do you want at the helm? Okay. So it's a, it's a shitty day for sure. It's a Monday morning. There's a fight in the foyer with a couple of kids. Somebody's just puked in the bathroom, uh, in the other wing of the school, somebody's vaping in the bathroom. People are telling you that this morning. There's a note that some kid might have a gun at his locker. You have a parent screaming at the secretary because they're so mad about your lack of inclusivity and accessibility in the school. And you see in your email, there's four things saying get back to me right away. Now, what you don't want in a leader is somebody who's going to say this. Holy shit. I got no. Oh, my God. I fuck it. I'm out of here. I don't know what to do.

Oh, my God. She's got a gun. We're all going to die. I don't know what to do. What you do want is somebody who is concerned, certainly, but has the capacity to stay emotionally regulated, even if on the inside, they're like, holy fuck. So you might want somebody to be like, okay, just a second. You know, Connie, can you take a look at me? There's somebody puking in the foyer or fighting. I can't remember what the deal was. Can you go and check those out? Those are the little guys and I know they're going to be okay. They just need to see your face. Andrew, you're really good with puke and bodily functions. Can you check out the bathroom for me right there? I'm going to head down to Jack's because I think he's got his BB gun that he's been taking to school and I'm fairly

sure that's what we're dealing with. So I'm going to handle that. If the police come police come, um, you know, Connie, can you just meet him at the door? We're going to, we're going to get this and you know what, everybody, it's going to be okay. I'm going to, I'm going to order some high quality meat trays for, for lunch and everybody meet back here in an hour. Okay. We got it. It's going to be okay. We got it. Now, whether or not you do have it becomes really irrelevant in the end because your ability to handle situations one at a time when lids are flipped and regulation is high, what you need, dysregulation is high, is what you need as a walker. And I think it is a very underestimated component of effective leadership. And it is also an essential ingredient to charisma. And so why we need this skill, maybe more than we did even one generation ago. Okay. So one

generation ago to at best, um, we had people relatively speaking, more connected to each other outside of work, which meant typically you were dealing with more regulated employees. If I were to create a research study today, I would want to look at the emotional regulation of employees and try to compare that to just two generations ago and take a look at. So if I even think about, I just recently had a conversation with coaches, minor sport coaches around talking about what your players are coming into the dressing room with these days, you know, and the statistics will pull you over. Divorce has increased by 33% since the beginning of the pandemic.

One in 67% of all kids in the early adolescent years would identify as being lonely, which loneliness is much more than a feeling and emotion. It dictates the way you show up in the world. So if we have, you know, 67% of kids feeling lonely when they step into a dressing room, when we have one in four, the kids help phone data would suggest to us that one in four over the age of 13 has considered a plan to end their life. And they're walking into your dressing room 33% more time than even just five years ago of, um, dysregulated home lives. Um, you don't have kids that are ready to be coached. You don't have kids that are ready to learn skill development and how

to take a fucking rich shot. What you need is somebody regulated at the helm to walk them through it, to make them believe, to have some charisma and some hope and some joy that this is a place where they get to put it all down for a little while. When you can create that at work, you then open up the accessibility to things like innovation and creativity and drive and a desire to be there. And I think what's so critical in this process is that's where your passion lives, because there's a purpose here. I want to serve these people. I believe in what we're doing here. And I think sometimes leaders in and of themselves are dysregulated because they are pushed to create, to meet criteria, you know, Q1 numbers, Q4 numbers, policies and procedures, test

scores, equivalents. And so they're leading from a place of emotional dysregulation, of urgency. And if I were to reverse engineer that, it's really that sense of like, listen, your employees are the least of our worries. If I were to work with think sometimes, you know, when I'm speaking to frontline staff, I always say, listen, you know, in this lifetime, it's not just about leadership change that will change everything. organization by really showing up in a regulated state to the best of your capacity, right? Do the next best, right kind thing. If you don't want to be in this organization, get the fuck out because it's going to be very difficult to switch a culture if we're made of people just waiting for leadership to take over, right? And when leadership's exhausted, it's going to be really difficult to do that. When we have access to an entire company, I will tell you that's where we have the best

shifts in organizational understanding because the onus becomes on everybody to just do the next best right kind thing. No major policy reform in our lifetimes I think is going to change many organizations. People right now in any service profession really just want to know they matter. The bar is so fucking low, you guys. You just be really kind and understand. It doesn't mean you tolerate bullshit. It also means you have to let people go sometimes. It also means you have to have the hard conversation sometimes.

But you have access to all of that goodness in you, your capacity to do that when you're regulated. So our number one purpose so often these days is to figure out how we, you as leaders in whatever capacity you show up in that way, really build in the time to regulate your body and use different words if you want. Rest, stillness, meditation, all of those things drive me nuts because I don't have time for those things. You know what all of those things mean to me? Lazy. You're not trying hard enough. If you're

not driving, listening to a podcast, preparing for the next talk, making notes, sitting in a notepad beside me, what are you even doing? Right? What are you even doing? And I think that I am totally blown away these days by how much it's going to take, how much rest and stillness is going to take for me, Marty, this team to continue to do the work that we're doing and be healthy at the end of it. Is it possible? Fuck yeah. I've never done anything that I love more than what I'm doing in this moment. I believe it to the core of me. I cannot wait to get out of bed every day because I just think about there's, there's one you, I know that by being kind to the waiter, by going a little over the top for the crotchety old fucker in the elevator who's trying to be a dick and you

just turn it back on him. You can not only change a life, you can save it. People say this to me all the time. I remember that time when that Starbucks person said to me, I look nice that day. I think about that all the time. And that was three years ago. I think about the time where never underestimate your power. And if that's your only job today and the teams that you work on, the people that you lead, if that's like your number one thing and the rest will follow, can you do that? Yeah. Yes, you can. Oh, I should have pulled my microphone. They're really mad when I yell into a microphone these days, but I mean, seriously, sorry, JR. I'm going to just, anyway, nevermind. So what I think is critical in summary is to consider a few things in this space these days. First of all, drop your

shoulders. I need us to get back to the good because this isn't something that anybody, any of us need more training, more courses in, for, around. Sure, you can always get better. You can always read and listen to podcasts. I mean, I love to read, to listen to podcasts. I love to learn more. The thing that I am recognizing more is that I need to give myself more space to just be still, to be quiet, to have access to all of the things that I know to be true and to the core of me. And doing that on purpose becomes, I think, one of the most important thoroughfares to charisma, to emotional regulation, and that idea of passion. So drop your shoulders today. Know that in any capacity that you are acting as a leader or a coach in this moment, and all of us are in some capacity, I'll tell you.

Whether you're running a big corporation or you're leading a volunteer organization or coaching a minor hockey team, we will show up as leaders in various positions. And being able to do that as much as you possibly can in a regulated state. Now you're going to fuck it up. We all do. I mean, as Marty, I do regularly. It's not about whether you're going to fuck it up. It's about knowing now what you need to do to get back to the good that really gives you the freedom to lead boldly in a time where we need people who understand the importance of kindness and emotional regulation, the importance of bringing charisma to this world more than anything. So there you have it for today, my friends, a little thought on leadership and

charisma. If you want a little bit more, if you're leading in an organization, I created a course called Leaders These Days. I'm just going to, I'll put the link in the show notes. We haven't even talked about this a whole lot. I created this, gosh, almost six months ago. And we just sort of left it in the bank because, you know, the consumption of knowledge seems to be a big issue for many people. We're done. We're done with like, how do we be better, do better? I want you to think about this as a place to land. So if you're working in an organization and you want access to some conversations, I've, there's a series of videos I think I've made about various things that I think

that I dive into a little bit more around this process of, you know, just what it's going to take to lead in this, in this time of such burnout and disconnect. So everything you need is there. I'll leave it in the show notes and, um, and take a look in the meantime. Uh, take care, look after yourself, look after each other, drop those shoulders. And, uh, I am just so glad I got to hang out with you today. Roll the credits, please. The Everyone Comes From Somewhere podcast is produced by the incredibly talented and handsome team at Snack Labs, Mr. Brian Seaver, Mr. Taylor McGilvery, and the infamous Jeremy Saunders. The soundtracks that you hear at the beginning of every episode were created by Donovan Morgan. Our executive producer is Marty Piller. Our PR big shooters are Des Veneau and Barry Cohen. Our agent, my manager, Jeff Lowness from the Talent Bureau.

And emotional support, of course, is provided by, relatively speaking, our children. For the record, I am a registered clinical psychologist in Alberta, Canada. The content created and produced in this show is not intended as specific therapeutic advice. The intention of this podcast is to provide information, resources, education, and maybe even a little bit of hope. you