Unlonely with Dr. Jody Carrington - Peace isn’t an outcome—it’s a process - Somia Sadiq

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

Loneliness, division, disconnection—these are some of the biggest barriers to human connection. And when people feel unseen, they get mean. This week, I sat down with the extraordinary Somia Sadiq, a trauma-integrated mediator, peace-builder, and absolute powerhouse, to talk about what it really takes to reconcile, reconnect, and rebuild.From post-colonial Punjab to the boardrooms and conflict zones of Canada, Somia’s story is a masterclass in resilience, leadership, and the power of showing up. If we want a better world for ourselves and our kids, we have to start here. With tough conversations, with unlearning, with choosing to do the work.This episode is a game-changer.Follow Somia:https://www.instagram.com/somiasadiq/https://www.linkedin.com/in/somiasadiq/Somiasadiq.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey there, it's Dr. Jodie Carrington here. You know, as a mom, I've seen firsthand how delicate our little one's skin can be. Did you know that a baby's skin is 30% thinner than ours? That makes it so important to protect and strengthen it right from the start. That's why I love Aveeno Baby's Healthy Start Balm. It's safe for day one use and uses the power of oats to moisturize, nourish, and comfort your baby's skin. Plus, its thick, enveloping texture mimics the natural moisturizing layer

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Learn more at aveino.ca. At the beginning of every episode, there will always be time for an acknowledgement. You know, the more we do this, people ask, why do you have to do the acknowledgement and every episode? I got to tell you, I've never been more grateful for being able to raise my babies on the land where so much sacrifice was made. And I think what's really critical in this process is that the ask is just that we don't forget. So the importance of saying these words at the beginning of every episode will always

be of utmost importance to me and this team. So everything that we created here today for you happened on Treaty 7 land, which is now known as the center part of the province of Alberta. It is home of the Blackfoot Confederacy, which is made up of the Siksika, the Kainai, the Pikini, the Tatina First Nation, the Stony Nakoda First Nation, and the Métis Nation Region 3. Our job, our job as humans is to simply acknowledge each other. That's how we do better, be better, and stay connected to the good.

Welcome back. Welcome in. Listen, I'm doing this intro after because I just finished the interview with Samia Siddique. And I have to tell you, prepare your hearts. There is no, no way anybody can learn from shame. That's what she taught me today. Let me tell you about this amazing human with ancestral roots in post-colonial Punjab and Kashmir, Somia Siddique is a leading planner who has developed a pioneering practice in engagement, conflict transformation, and negotiating space for those whose voices are often unheard or ignored.

Rooted in the work of Impact Assessment, Somia founded Narratives, Inc., a planning firm that emphasizes human-centric trauma-informed story work, lived experience, and creating space for celebration of ancestry and ancestral identity. Somia is also the founder of Kahani, a nonprofit organization that works nationally and internationally, amplifying story storytelling and facilitated dialogue for peacebuilding. This is basically a human who takes people on both sides of the most ridiculous spectrums and brings them together in her understanding of mediation of connection to a humanness, being human again, is who this human embodies, and what she teaches us in this next hour is so profoundly important.

I mean, her master's thesis focused on free informed and prior consent of Indigenous communities in mining projects in Canada. And it led to a series of recommendations for reforms and impact assessment process and legislation and her doctorate focused on understanding the role of identity, othering and trauma in conflict transformation. She's a published author, a keynote speaker, a new book is coming out. We talk a little bit about that at the end of today. She is remarkable.

And I want you to listen to, you know, really just her, her teachings around colonization, um, the, the conflict transformation process really around reconciliation, but also this idea of like, if we want to be better and be allies and step into understanding the humanness in this very lonely world, it starts with you and me. So buckle up friends. I hope you love it as much as I do. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Welcome back. Welcome in my, oh my gosh, this is my favorite group of people. If you're listening, you're my favorite group of people. Today, you know, for this whole season of Unlonely, the purpose for me really is to find the people on this planet, bring them into our community who can teach us the most about what it's gonna take to become unlonely, to figure out how we navigate

this sense of a loneliness epidemic. And when people get lonely, they get isolated, they get mean, they get divisive, which is why loneliness is such a critical conversation because it is so much more than an emotion. It affects the way you show up in your work and your families and it thwarts access to the best parts of you. And when I met our guest today I was introduced to her, you know, somebody brought her to our attention saying if you want to understand a woman who gets

all aspects of reconnection, of bringing things back together in a time of a very disconnected lonely world you need to meet Somia Siddique. And today, listen, welcome. I am so excited and glad that you're here. Thank you so much for having me, Jodi. Really appreciate it. And okay, so here's, let's jump right in. So post-colonial Punjab and Kashmir, that's where your ancestral roots are.

And you're a leading planner. And I love that term because I don't really know what it means. You're basically a trauma integrated mediator who is attempting to bring world dichotomies together in a very peaceful way. Which sounds like the greatest job of all time. You created a couple of companies and nonprofits and you do all these beautiful things. Tell me, you tell me, you know, I was reading some of your work and I saw this term peace as a process. Start at the beginning, tell me everything about why this is so critically important to you. Yeah, thank you.

I loved how you described what I do. Can I steal that because that's how I would love to describe this. So my approach to peace being a process goes way back, like growing up in Punjab and thinking about what and how our family navigated conflict. Weddings are a huge deal back home, as you can imagine. Sometimes our celebrations start a month in advance, and we would have family members come from far away. They'd bring gifts, someone would bring a goat, someone would bring a sack of rice and onions and potatoes, like everything the host would need to host a wedding.

And these would be folks who would stay at our place for many, many days. What would, and so every night we would be singing and dancing and having a great time. What was also happening concurrent to all of that was always there would be some family member who was unhappy, who was in a dispute, who had some form of a conflict. So leading up to the wedding, many members of our family would be going to visit this particular relative to understand what the

issues were, how they could find a resolution, and the outcome would be that this relative would eventually come to the wedding. So what was really powerful for me about that was, on the one hand, we're celebrating. We're getting ready for something new, a new chapter, new beginnings, and concurrent coexisting were these approaches to resolving conflict. So the fact that those two things could coexist has always been a really good lesson for me and it's just something that I've carried very closely to me in the work that I do. Yeah. And now, I mean, this work of mediation, of bringing people together, not just like

when they disagree a little bit, but this is the biggest, largest chasms that we are experiencing in our world. You came to Canada, you studied in Winnipeg, you have letters behind your name, beyond recognition. You've been sort of involved in some of the greatest conflicts in a very quiet way. And this is what I loved about, you know, your humility. been sort of involved in some of the greatest conflicts in a very quiet way. And this is what I loved about, you know, your humility. You were like, and I did this and we did this and we don't talk about that part. Can you tell me, can you tell me, I think, you know, when we first spoke, just sort of

the amazingness of your story that I think is as Canadians, many of us don't have the same degree of understanding of what it's like to be in war-torn places and what it meant for you to come here. Can you tell us that story? Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for that question. When I first came to Canada, this was shortly after 9-11, and things were very, very different for people of color, for Muslims in particular. So I learned the hard way that my world view, the world I grew

up in, is very different from the world that Canada is. And I think this is the story of almost every newcomer, if not a vast majority of them. That experience of racism, that experience of othering that happens to you is so unsettling. And what really empowered me during that time was, yes, absolutely facing all of that and in a lot of ways internalizing pieces of it, but also having this realization that, oh, wait a second, I'm not just any woman.

I come from some very kick-ass powerful powerhouses of women. I come from very strong matriarchs. I come from a world that is expressive, that is bold, and that we say what we think. We don't hold our expressions back. And I come from a place of that joy and happiness as well. So can I reframe things for myself? Can I channel all of this adversity that's coming my way

into something beautiful and powerful and learn from it? What was also really important was that humility learn from it. What was also really important was that humility aspect in it. My grandfather, Dadajani, would always say, and then later my dad would remind me that the higher in life we go, the lower our heads should bow. And that came from this place of, you know, open your heart, observe, look, listen, so that you can understand how people do certain things so you can learn and appreciate how they operate, how they make decisions. So a huge part of my journey was about spending time and learning and then being able to bring

some of those lessons in the work that I do. Well, and I love that. I think about you as a little girl just observing this process of communication and connection. That you could feel that in your bones. And as you navigated through this process, again, listening, I mean, the higher we get, the lower our head should bow. Help me understand how then that's led you into this place. I mean, your doctorate is focused on understanding the role of identity, othering, and trauma. And I want, give me a sense of how we got there to this doctorate. Give me a sense of what has happened along the way that has made you even more passionate

than this little girl just observing, you know, some things that, you know, this is how families operate. Tell me how that went. Mm-hmm. I think one of the key things for me, one of the most important lessons in life for me, and there's, gosh, there's so many, but one that always comes to mind loudly for me is this appreciation that you can't separate who you are from the work that you do. One of the most surprising things for me when I first came to Canada, and you go to these

as an international student, as a newcomer, you go to these workshops on navigating the Canadian workforce. And one of the key things they kept emphasizing was work-life boundaries, but within the context of there's a line between the personal and the professional. And I have to this day not understood that because who I am in my work is very much who I am and it's fueled by who I am as a person. So over the years learning to not forcefully artificially separate those but actually bring them together meant I'm reclaiming parts of my identity. What were parts of those

identity that were taken away from me that I had to shed in order to fit into Canadian society? I'm going to slowly start reclaiming those. So that was the unothering of myself. And then thinking about the role of trauma and intergenerational trauma in how people approach peace and conflict in general. So in a lot of ways, my doctorate was this beautiful journey of self-exploration, finding your own voice, finding your own identity, and then seeing how people around me were also reclaiming parts of themselves. So it's been this very beautiful, cohesive journey of the personal and the professional.

Beautiful. And I question that all the time in the organizations I get to work with today when we think about this work-life balance, which is such bullshit, because people have never had this much access to us. We've never had this much access to other people. So when we serve in this human services world, we're the first generation of parents.

We're the first generation of leaders, we're the first generation of leaders, where work doesn't stop. When you leave the office, we have access to everybody and everything, it's a conscious decision to sort of separate those things. But your brain, your body, your feelings, your commitment to the work that you do, whether, it doesn't matter if you're a postal carrier,

if you're a teacher, a police officer, or you're a mediation lawyer that is trying to get people to come to the table if you're a postal carrier, if you're a teacher, a police officer, or you're a mediation lawyer that is trying to get people to come to the table, you're running countries, all of the, we're all human. We all start in exactly the same place. And I love your concepts around this idea, right? If we take it back to the basics, we really need to feel connected in the things that we do,

but we need to feel seen or we will struggle. And so many people have started far lower than others based on the colors of their skin, the things that they've experienced in this lifetime, social and financial access to resources. All of those things really contribute to how you can show up on any given day. How does that inform your work?

show up on any given day. How does that inform your work? Yeah, for me, I think that personal agency, personal responsibility piece is so important. So when we're having conversations about whether it's work-life balance or finding purpose in the work that you're doing, I really carry that responsibility personally. So if I don't like the environment that I'm operating in, I can do two things. I can either be there and complain and feel awful about it and let that darkness absolutely consume me, or I can do something about it. Then that something doesn't have to be dramatic.

It can be little parts of work that I can do to reclaim what I want to be, to reclaim the purpose that I'm striving for in life. So I think one of the key shifts that needs to happen and something that I very strongly advocate for is that taking personal ownership of your journey does not mean it's going to be easy, and absolutely know your privilege,

know what barriers you're going to be facing, but also make a commitment to own your journey, make a commitment to find your purpose, and then find a way to connect those two pieces together. Hmm. And so what's necessary in that process? Because I think about this all the time, right? How do we ask this of people who've experienced such significant racist, I mean, every single day, sort of the heaviness of racism,

the experience of being a newcomer in a country, navigating all these things, and then, you know, also, let's take ownership of your own trauma. How do we do the work? It's always about, as a psychologist and I ask this with like such compassion in my heart because I feel oftentimes in my very huge place of privilege, how do we do nothing but protect and ask for protection and understanding and you know navigate all those things while you're still like, okay, so how do we do the work to get through that trauma piece, right?

I don't even know if there's a question in there. Yeah. It's that balance. How do we ask you to do better and be better when you've experienced such a shitty, like how is that even fair? I know, I know. And it can be so debilitating to go down that path of how do you even emerge from that. And there's a couple of thoughts that come up for me with hearing you, Jodi.

One of them is I think we can never underestimate human resilience. Humans are absolutely powerful and incredible and versatile and can survive so much. So much. So we want to remember that. We want to nurture that. We want to nurture that strength. We want to spotlight those parts of human strength. And I think that's really important. The other piece that comes to mind is, so when I think about my privilege,

I think about the fact that I now have a voice, I now have a platform, how can I use that more effectively to spotlight some of those challenges with racism, some of those additional barriers that people of color face. So using your voice in a manner that is empowering, that holds space, that creates space is really important. Okay. The third piece that comes to mind is healthy allyship.

So by healthy allyship, I mean we absolutely need to shed, and I can't say this strongly enough, we need to shed saviorship. We need to get out of that mindset that we need to go help people. That perpetuates harm. It perpetuates a sense of, oh, because I'm helping you, I must be coming from a place of superiority, of knowing better, of being better. We need to shed that. So if you're an ally, if you want to be an ally, get out there, listen, exercise humility, exercise reciprocity

and hold space for people to reclaim their voices and their identity. So those three things I think are going to be so important as we nurture spaces that are empowering for people. You might not have the International Day of Happiness marked on your calendar, but it's a pretty big deal for those of us who study the science of happiness. International Day of Happiness also marks the release of the World Happiness Report. I'm Dr. Lari Santos, and on my podcast, The Happiness Lab, I'll be bringing you the latest data on why eating alone might be worse for you than you think.

And I'll also be asking if we're becoming less trusting and what that means for our wellbeing. Listen to The Happiness Lab wherever you get your podcasts. And if I can dive into that last piece a little bit more. So I think that's the struggle. So what I hear you say is, you know, because I think when we say the savior ship, the whitewashing of things, the tokenism, all of those things that I think about all the time, how do you do the work in a way that, you know, it's not like, okay, we know best or they know best and they're going to just take over because

... What I hear you say is it's a three-step process, right? When you're talking about listening, holding space, before ever acting, making sure. It's not about don't act. Because I think sometimes that's the thing that gets heard, right? Is like, don't be a savior. Don't do the things. Be careful how you do this. It's that line that I'd love you to clarify about, you know, because I think then what happens is people do nothing. Like,

I don't want to get it wrong. I don't want to be seen like I'm trying to save people. I'm like, who the fuck do I think I am? You know, like, and I've had these conversations in my own head. Like, why the fuck are you listening enough? Do you understand? Oh, you got a big platform. So walk me through that. If you want to create the best allies for the people who need it the most, what does that roadmap look like? And how do we just inspire people to use their privilege like they never have before,

in a way that's respectful? I love that question so much. I would offer that the first thing to do if you are being drawn to allyship is to ask yourself why you want to be an ally. What is driving you? And really unpack that for yourself. For example, if something that's driving you is a sense of unfairness, okay, let's think about that a little bit. Why are you being motivated by that sense of unfairness and what is unfair in that situation? If you're being driven by a need for you to feel better, let's unpack that.

Why do you need to feel better? Is this allyship then going to be more about you than the person that you're expressing allyship to? All these questions do, that first question, the why, all that does is it paces you, it gives you space to understand your motivation, it brings intentionality into how you're going to actually approach working with people. And the time that you take to prepare yourself, I would hope,

would also then prepare you for some failure. You're not going in from a place of ego. You're not going in from a place of, I am superior, I am better. You're going in to learn. It induces humility. It prepares you for failure because of course you're going to fail. You don't know their culture. You don't know their circumstances. Your trauma may be awful. Theirs might be just as awful. You don't actually know. So it prepares you to receive whatever may come at you in that partnership of walking together. Okay. Okay. And that first step of intention of sinking into that becomes so critically important

because I think, if I think about the fear around this, right, is that it's a checking of a box. When I look at many DEI attempts or DEIB attempts at, you know, we're doing this because we're supposed to, where this sounds nice in this organization, we're going to do a land acknowledgement because that's the expectation of, you know, truth and reconciliation. They said we should do this. So we're going to just provide that. I think, can you not feel it when it's not intentional? Like I can't- 100%. intentional. Like I can't... I'm not a marginalized person, like my intersections of marginalization are very little and when I think about that I think I can't

imagine what it must feel like and I can actually so that's not true. When people attempt to do things that are not genuine that's got to be more hurtful than even don't do it at all. Like if you can't pronounce, if you don't take the time to, you know, can you tell me about that piece of it? Like the genuineness, as you're saying here, becomes I think the critical piece, right, about why? Why do you want to do this work? Are you being told to do it? Do you generally feel it? Yeah. Yeah, I really appreciate that question and I'll, I think one of the things I'll say there is oh, that why is so important because it also creates space for us, for folks like

myself to know that everybody is going to come into this space with a different intention. Some may enter this space with an intention to they want to understand reconciliation. They actually want to understand what transpired in history, in our collective history. They want to understand the impacts of colonization. And then there would be others who may have a fleeting thought that, yeah, I'd like to know but also I have so many other causes that are important to me.

And then there might be others who are on that journey that are not being called into that space just yet or not being driven or not being pushed, but they might at some point. So I think for myself when I hear, and land acknowledgments is a great example, it's important to appreciate that for some, yes, it might just be because your organization wants them to. For others, it might be because they know that this is an expectation of people who have been harmed, and this is the least they can do to, you know, do a little bit of reshaping. Great, at least they're doing that. Perhaps, I hope they can do more than

that, but at least they're doing that. So they're offering the smallest gesture that they can of respect. So appreciating that everybody is going to have a different intention, a different purpose, a different reason to be there, I think is a really important piece of the puzzle too. Wow. There's so much patience in your voice that astounds me. I've learned it the hard way. Oh my God. Is there ever a time when you're just like, are you fucking kidding me right now?

Yes, lots of time. Oh my God. I hear this so much. Okay, because you're an expert in reconciliation, in sort of understanding Indigenous peoples. Some of your work that you've, being in this country, what have you noticed in terms of our ability as Canadians to understand the history in this country? When we refer to truth and reconciliation, I mean, the bare minimum in my mind

is a land acknowledgement. Like, but don't do it if you don't understand why you're acknowledging the land. Like, do you get it? That we weren't here first? When I, we collectively, I'm speaking about, you know get it? That we weren't here first? When I, we collectively, I'm speaking about, you know, white people, I don't, can you maybe even take it back

further from me because I would love your wisdom in this. Can you just explain in your terms, sort of the understanding of, you know, we talk about decolonizing, when we talk about, you know, why is colonialism the thing that we speak about so much? What happened to set the world on this trajectory? So I'll start by saying that when I think about reconciliation, my first thought is I am no expert on people.

I learn from people. I observe people. I am taught by so many, so many incredibly beautiful people. Every conversation I learn something new. So that piece is really important for me. When I think about reconciliation, I come at it from a conflict transformation mindset. And the outcome of trying to transform conflict between different groups can result in reconciliation, but it's not necessarily the outcome. So I've had these beautiful conversations with so many elders from so many First Nations,

and Metis, and Inuit elders who've talked about what reconciliation means to them. And it's a broad range of responses. Right. From it means nothing to unpacking what it really means, to unpacking what it could look like, and it needs to entail social reconciliation, economic reconciliation, et cetera, et cetera.

So, reconciliation means so many different things to different people. So I want to offer that. For me, when I think about reconciliation and decolonization, I think about my people's history. I think about the Indian subcontinent. I think about the British occupation, I think about their strategy to divide and conquer and induce conflict in ways that were awful and in ways that we are still recovering from. So I come at, when I think about reconciliation within the Canadian context, it is very much rooted and against the backdrop of my own people. And I think about the rules that the protocols that we have in our culture when it comes to being a part

of someone else's land. So when I introduce myself, I talk about where I come from. Those are my ancestral land. My land acknowledgement is acknowledging my ancestral lands and then also thanking the people here for allowing me to be a guest in these lands. And with that comes so much reciprocity and giving up of the power that I would presumably have if I just said, well I'm here now so this is my land. Yes, yes. And if you take me back to the beginning, just in your wisdom, help us understand how

it was decided that there's a superiority in the world. How, I mean, as you said, you know, so many decisions were made back to the British occupation that led to this understanding that there's a divisiveness, a hierarchy in the world that plays out today. I mean, I talk about this all the time. Do not underestimate this for a second. I walk into a Sobeys, a Shoppers Drug Mart today, and I walk in alongside a woman of color, an indigenous woman, even less so or more so, whatever numbers we're looking at. And without even opening our mouths, I get treated 87% of the time better. How is that in our bones? If we take it back to the beginning, how, when we refer to colonization,

what are we talking about? When I think of colonization, I think of this mindset that we are going to take over other people's lands and we are going to shape those lands, shape those structures, shape those systems based on what we think is right. So it comes from this inherent place of, or this inherent assumption that the colonizer is a superior entity and the one who's colonized is less than, is savage, is barbaric, is like needs to be civilized. And we think of, when I think of Canada and the discourse that shaped Canadian history and think about that within the context of British occupation in the Indian subcontinent, there are so many parallels in things that we were called. The assumption I hear so many

times in my mind and my heart, you asked me earlier about, do you ever have moments where it's just like, what the fuck? Like, when is this going to end? And I do, I regularly do. And when those moments come to me, I'm also reminded of my great grandfather, my Miyaji, who would always talk about how much the British soldiers would mock him, mock them for, oh, you're so lazy, or you're so inefficient. You spend so much time just visiting and all these cultural things that you do, all this

voodoo and random things that you do. And then when I take a step back some days, I think about the things that I'm advocating for, for what is needed to make people unlonely, what is needed for people to find connection. And I think everything that these soldiers a hundred years ago demonized are things that we need to find that human connection again. Yes. Yes. And I love how you said that because I think it is in the deepest, richest, oldest cultures that we lean on, refer to when we get the most dysregulated in our lives. If I think about the basis of Buddhism, if I think about the basis of any spiritual practice, any indigenous teachings that I

have been so honored to learn from has been getting back to the body, to the land, to slowing down, to giving it up to an external power, understanding that this is way bigger than us. And even people who do not believe in their times of big crisis when their child is hurt or their parent dies or they get a diagnosis of cancer. It's fascinating to me that the cultural beliefs that are so inherent in now marginalized cultures is what we refer to. The wisdom that is indigenous peoples in this country is what it's going to need to heal. And when I watch the resilience,

I am astounded. I, you know, invited to speak up to the, you know, Yukon Aboriginal Women's Council. When I step into that room, as a white settler, I have had no idea what it takes to keep my people together, to keep my children safe and healthy and connected. And that wisdom is what is going to be so necessary as I think about becoming unlonely. So I love how you say that and you just so we're very clear world is we get lucky because this one wisdom is going to come together in a book for you. And we talked a little bit about the process of it and I can you please tell me you know a little bit about the process of it. And can you please tell me a little bit about garaja, garaja, garada.

Can you tell me how I'm going to say that? Gajara. Gajara. I tried so hard. Gajara. Gajara. Thank you. Thank you.

Define that for me. Tell me how this has come together. What are the pieces that you have known in your heart needs to be shared with this world as you do this beautiful peacemaking work? Tell me about this book. Thank you. So this is a novel. It is a story of a young girl's journey through life.

And it really spotlights the complexity of what it means to be human and what it means to learn from trauma, what it means to channel what is gutting and difficult and complex into something that can be a power. So it's this beautiful, like, meandering journey through her life. The word gajada itself means it's a fresh flower bracelet. I have like an artificial one that I got recently to use as a prop. So it sort of looks like this. And for those who are listening, I'll describe it. So it's essentially a bracelet that goes on your wrist.

It is typically made with jasmines and roses, and sometimes will add a marigold in it. So there's lots of spirituality and teachings around these different flowers. Marigolds, for example, are this incredibly resilient flower. Nobody gets a marigold for their smell. Like, they're not known for their amazing scent. But if you look closely at a marigold,

it's a very complex yet fragile, beautiful structure. So in a lot of ways, the gajra is this metaphor for life and the complexity of life and the coming together of the simplicity, the together of the simplicity, the known, the unknown, and what it really means to be human. And this book is coming out in the fall of 2025. So presales are going to start in this year. So I mean, I'm so excited to share that on this platform when we learn more about it. I want to know what are some of your greatest learnings when you think about what it takes for people

to be resilient in the face of trauma? You've seen, heard, held space for some of the most atrocious stories on this planet. You have helped people come together when they are on not just two separate sides of an issue, but two separate sides of a globe and not understanding. Help me understand the human connection in it all. What do we need to get back to? Yeah. Oh, that's a big question. And yet there's simplicity in that question.

And I'll offer the most powerful learning, which sounds like a very silly little thing. But I think about the most powerful person. If you try to bring to your mind who is the single most powerful person in the world right now, don't know what the answer would be and who is perhaps the most marginalized person in the world right now. And what makes them human? They both have feelings. They both probably need sleep. they both probably need food, and they both probably need language to express what they're feeling. The simplicity of what humans need is pretty simple, and I think that's what makes us humans.

So the single most powerful lesson that I've learned is that we are all human, and we all need to be loved, we all need to be heard, we all need to be respected. And we all need space for identity to be expressed. And if we can find a way to bring groups together with that intention of holding space for some of those things to happen, we can accomplish so much. I... Amen. I think at... And I love the visualization. If I were to think about the most marginalized person in this moment, the one who has nothing, is struggling so much for their own freedom. They're maybe not able-bodied. They are in a place where they don't understand the language. They're financially struggling, all of those

things. And then I think about the person in the most powerful positions. And I often as a psychologist, I'm just taken aback at the basics of humanity when regardless of age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, gender identity, people need to feel seen. And when you understand that as a human, regardless of the body that you're in in this world, when you understand that whether you're a leader or a teacher or a mom or you're just trying to change the world, you know, in your local hockey rink, when you understand that and you harness that power, which requires some self-reflection, which requires some emotional regulation. So we can't do that when we are in our greatest depths of our own despair. When I just learned that I have a life-threatening illness, when I learned that my baby's dying,

when I learned that any of those things that takes our resources away from us, our ability to do that for other people becomes significantly compromised. When we are in a position to be regulated and to be able to sort of give something away, notice that that is what we bring to our organizations, our people, our work. It is the greatest superpower of all time. Isn't it? It really is. It really is.

It absolutely is. And I think, I think what's interesting about this, right this is that you can't tell anybody how to do that. You have to show them. Yeah, you have to show them and you have to reframe the narrative a little bit. One thought that comes to mind hearing that is a few weeks ago I was hosting a few folks at my office. This was for a peace dialogue. And one of the individuals in the circle,

I asked them the question, what feels broken in the world around you today? Because the next question was going to be, what can we do? What can you do as a person? What feels accessible to you? And in responding to that question, this one elder said, we have taught, we have failed our children and our grandchildren and our great-grandchildren because we have

taught them everything there is to learn about rights and what rights they have. We have forgotten to teach them about their responsibilities. And so if we think about the responsibilities that we have as individuals to ourselves, to each other, I think that just creates the right space for that reciprocity to happen, for that connection to happen because we're coming from a place of that responsibility and care for each other. Oh, and I think, so when I hear you say that, I think about, you know, I love that idea of like, this is my right to be here, this is my right for this, this is my right to do these things, I get it. That is often from a dysregulated place.

When I think about responsibility, it comes much more from that internal sense of my shoulders are down, I have access to my empathy. It doesn't mean I don't get angry, it doesn't mean that I'm just letting people roll over me, it means that I come back to this place of, okay, now what? Because I love, I mean, this is my wish for children, this is my wish for big people in the world. Because I often don't think about, you know,

there's a lot of conversation about kids these days are struggling significantly. We've never seen them this unwell or the ADHD and the anxiety and the depression and blah, blah, blah, blah. Got it. I think the greatest investment of all time right now comes in these spaces of the people doing the holding of others.

Parents, teachers, police officers, government officials, when we can start to sort of shore up the resources to have access to the best parts of humanity. When that judgment has to come, fine, I understand, but when we back up and do that from a place of understanding the human condition, doesn't it change everything? Why do you think we lose access to that so easily these days?

Yeah, what a great question. I think I go back to what you said earlier about self-regulation. We have forgotten to tap into our own being for that strength. I hear, as a peace builder, as a leader, I hear endless demands of everyone around us. My parents should do this, my boss should do this, my employer should do this, my manager should do this. Give me this, give me this, give me more

more more more more more more. What are you doing for yourself? So if we can, I love what you said about, people hold that space, if we can encourage, whether that's parents or teachers or anyone who's working with young ones and our own selves, learn to reflect on what we have, learn to reflect on where that strength lies, how do we regulate ourselves in those troubling settings, how do we build that conflict capacity in ourselves to be able to enter spaces in a more intentional way.

I think that'll go such a long way for us to rely on ourselves more than just everybody around us, because gosh, I love, I would love to be able to bring world peace. Like wouldn't that be amazing? But I also know that I alone cannot do that. So what is it that I can do? And let's start there and let's go one step at a time, one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. Oh, I, beautiful, beautiful. And I hear this so often, right?

You know, when we sort of say to people who are like, my parents were the problem, or, you know, the government is the issue, or I, you know, the oppressors, like, the... I understand this process so much, and it's like, when I say to people, for example, I'll give you this, like, little baby example, when people, as a child psychologist,

people want me to bring their child to me because they're awful. They're in jail, they're smoking pot, they're doing all this shitty behavior and they like are disrespectful and they, you know, or whatever. And I would say to the mom, I would say to the dad, the primary caregiver, of course I would love to see your child, but I need to see you first. And they will say, do you think I'm the problem? You think I'm the problem? And I say, no, my love, you are the solution. This isn't about you. You know, so when I think about people saying, you know, my parents are assholes, how could I ever recover from

the trauma that they put upon me? Yes, let's hold space for that here all day long. I want to know more. Tell me more about that, holy fuck that was terrible. Now what? And if I say it is our job as humans to respond to that now in a place knowing what we know, the question sometimes is, okay then why is it always my responsibility? Why is it falling on me all the time? Here's what I often think about. It is not your responsibility to fix the world. You are not the problem. Please hear me when I say that. You're not the problem. You are the solution. You are who we have access to. And so if we're in a conversation, a dialogue, if we're trying to build peace, bring peace, you're who I have access to right now. Some people are so beyond accessibility and I wish that wasn't true. I wish that wasn't the problem. You know, even when I talk about marital

conflict and I'm doing mediation between two couples, you know, like he's always the issue. Why am I always the one apologizing? Fuck him. And I'm like, okay listen, first of all women tend to have much more of an emotional language so it is not our job to fix the world. But I'll tell you, we want this to be better for the next generation, we're gonna have to lead the way. Okay? And the idea isn't because it's our, we're the problem here, we are the solution. And when you take that from that point in your body, it gives you permission to be great. It gives you permission not to hold the responsibility, the weight of the world. Do you see what I'm trying to say in this convoluted way?

I love that so much because what I hear when I hear you talk about being the solution is I hear such abundance there. We have grown to come from a mindset of scarcity. I don't have, because the world, everything around us shapes our identity. Yes, parents, yes, school, and also yes, everything, all the narratives that we're taught in society. So we are taught you're not pretty enough, you're not this enough, you're not loud enough,

you're not confident enough, you're not strong enough, you're not thin enough, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What that does is it shifts us from a possibility of abundance into scarcity. I don't have enough. That's my mindset. I don't have enough. So when I don't have enough, I have forgotten gratitude because what do I have to be grateful for?

If we can shift, I love that shifting of the language of reframing into solutions because that by default forces you, nudges you to think about, okay, well, I guess if I'm the solution, one, how cool is that? I get to provide solutions. And because I need to provide solutions, that means I must have abundance. I must come from a place of knowing, let me help think that through. I love that reframing. And I think it's so critical that it's not a toxic positivity attempt.

It's not like, it's okay. It's okay. At least we got this. You're good. Okay, you can fix it all. No, fuck that. That's very different, right? Because I think you can't address what you don't acknowledge. 100%.

There is a time to sink into that deep despair and get an understanding. As you said, your first conversation here was, why do you want to be an ally? Why are you seeking a solution here? Why do you want this relationship with your parents, your country to be better? Why? What's your motivation? To prove them wrong? To look like a hero?

To, you know, what is it? Because you're supposed to do it? Or do you truly want to seek a sense of peace and connection? Because that's my wish for you in your family system, in your relationships, in your country, in your responsibility as a citizen, as a human. And I think, like, it's also parallel to me when we do the work of mediation, of therapy, of, you know, leadership training. It all comes back to just this basic thing. It is as simple as it is complex, isn't it? Mm-hmm. It really is. And I think that's the single most powerful thing that we can keep reflecting on is,

yes, humans are complex, and yes, also, humanity can be quite simple. Yeah. Ah! OK, listen, that, listen, Samia, I'm going to put everything where people can find you in the show notes. I am so clear that your work is some of the most profound I've come across in this country, in this globe, and I'm so excited to see where you go. We didn't

even have a chance to talk about Kahani, but I'm gonna put it's a nonprofit organization that works nationally and internationally, amplifying this dialogue of peace building. So you've put these words into such beautiful action and I want, you know, in this community, that's my only hope, is that we build one more, two more, that can have these compassionate conversations that go out into the world, show our babies how to do it. So this next generation of humans

have the capacity to be much more connected than we are. And any final thoughts? Oh, amazing one. I love the invitation for our young ones. These are our leaders. These are people that I do the work for because I want to see them feel really kick ass and keep doing the amazing things that they're doing.

So to future leaders. Amen. Amen. Thank you so much. Everybody, I hope that you love this. I often don't get this fired up in conversations, but I just, I am so inspired by this incredible human, and I hope you were to look after each other,

look after yourself more than anything. You matter more to so many people than you ever, ever know. And our ability to change the world only starts right here. So I'm glad you're with us today. I can't wait to meet you here again next time, um, whenever you're free. ["Unlonely Podcasts"] Unlonely Podcasts is produced by three incredible humans,

Brian Siever, Taylor McGilvery, and Jeremy Saunders, all of Snack Lab Productions. Our executive producer, my favorite human on this planet, is Marty Piller. Soundtracks were created by Donovan Morgan, Unlonely Branded Art were created by Elliot Cuss, our big PR shooters are Des Venot and Barry Cohen. Our digital marketing manager is the amazing Shana Haddon. Our 007 secret agent from the talent bureau is Jeff Lowness. And emotional support is provided by Asher Grant, Evan Grant, and Olivia Grant. Go Liv. I am a registered clinical psychologist in Alberta, Canada.

The content created and produced in this show is not intended as specific therapeutic advice. The intention of this podcast is to provide information, resources, education, and the one thing I think we all need the most, a safe place to land in this lonely world. We're all so glad you're here. Music