Unlonely with Dr. Jody Carrington - Why is Parenting so Freaking Hard

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

In this episode Dr. Jody talks real talk on why parenting in this day and age is so hard and why we have to give ourselves and others some grace in the hardest job out there, parenting. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Let's start here, where I think the answer begins for everything and everybody, in the place of acknowledgement. Indigenous peoples in this country have taught me the most about what acknowledgement truly means. So everything that I've created for you happened here on Treaty 7 land, which is now known as the center part of the province of Alberta. It is home to the Blackfoot Confederacy, made up of the Siksika, the Kainai, the Pikani, the Tatina First Nation, the Stony Nakota First Nation, and the Métis Nation Region 3. It is always my honor, my privilege mostly, to raise my babies on this land where so much sacrifice was made and to build a community, invite a community in, talk about hard things as we together learn and unlearn about the most important things, that we were never meant to do any of this alone. Well, hello there, my dear ones. Welcome in.

Welcome back to the Everyone Comes From Somewhere podcast. In today's episode, I am going to dive headlong into one of the things that I think keeps us from knowing each other's stories. And it all centers around those of us who are parents. So if you are a parent, know a parent, plan on being a parent, have a parent, this one is for you. Because oftentimes what happens in these episodes is me in real time unpacking the shit that's happening in my current world. And I got to tell you, I forget on the daily basis just how hard this whole fucking parenting gig is. And I mean, because some days it's going well, but other days you're like, holy shit. And I think about this so often, right? I wrote a best

selling book called Kids These Days. I got a course about kids these days. I wrote that book for parents and teachers and people who spend a lot of time with kids. And then there's so many days when I reflect on my own three children and I think, who the fuck did I think I was? Where did I get the audacity to write down some words about what other parents might have to fucking consider? Because in this current moment, there is very little redeeming qualities about me as a parent. And I, mostly because my kids tell me that my daughter more than anybody is very good at reminding me that I am a shitty mom. And regardless of sort of what, and I also understand that this is their job in so many ways. Like I get that. But so much of it for me is I

feel that to the core of me. And I there are moments where I feel so confident in my ability and like you lucky little sons of guns that you got me. And then again, that line into like, holy fuck, really? Like I sort of thought that some of the conversations I'm having with my kids these days was only going to be saved for parents that I would treat or consult with. And every single day now I am having this come to Jesus of like, okay, am I failing them? Is it really true? Like I sometimes convinced myself that I'm saying things in the world. Like, you know, I showing my children how to chase their dreams. You can't tell them how to be fucking successful. You got to show them. And then other days I'm like, okay, but what is the cost of being on the road? What is the cost of spending time writing books? What is the cost of all these

things? And so I'm going to dive into some of those things today. So if you have ever felt like a shitty parent, I'm glad you're here. So I was just looking a little bit of the data today. This is what happens to me when I'm like, okay, am I alone in this fucking shit show or are other people feeling this too? And I was reading this. I mean, this is a Pew Research Center survey that talks about, you know, in North America, four in 10, so 40% of US parents with children younger than 18 say they're extremely or very worried that their children might struggle with anxiety or depression at some point. And in fact, okay, so, you know, we're talking about one in two of us, and I don't know what the other fucking guy was doing, but like, I also think that they're worried. So I'm going to be OK.

And mental health concerns top the list of parental worries, followed by like 35 percent who are similarly concerned about their children being bullied. You know, sort of the external sources that come their ways. We're concerned about their their safety, their emotional safety. Quite frankly, many people are talking about these days way more than we're worried even about their physical safety. And here's the issue. When we get overwhelmed and concerned about things, we're going to go back to the way we know how to do things. And so, you know, I was also looking at this, there was this interesting piece of data that said roughly as many parents say that they're trying to raise their kids in a similar way to how they were raised, you know, about 50%, as they say they're trying to raise

them differently. Because here's the interesting thing, right? Like we grow and we develop and we learn, but the core story of how the world operates and how we are to operate within that world is in our bones. And when you get stressed and overwhelmed and it doesn't seem like it's working, there's a lot of questions that then come in your head like, fuck, maybe I should do, maybe I'm not consequencing enough. Maybe I need to be harder on the kids or you'll have a conversation with your own personal parent. And they're like, you know what? You never got away with shit like that. You need to be harder on her. You need to

take more shit away from them or him or whatever the deal is. And listen, I, I think it gets so overwhelming and confusing and exhausting in this whole parenting bullshit that like, I remember saying, you know, okay, so when we took twins from thoughts, I was not a good mom with babies. I, I believed to the core of me that I wanted to be a mom, like from the beginning, maybe because I was like a good babysitter. Like I remember people like I was like a prized babysitter. Maybe I'm remembering this wrong, but biking Alberta to Canada, if you're listening, I was a very hot commodity in the babysitting world in like about 1990. And I mean, I would bring snacks and treats and I would offer to have bring my jammies

so they didn't have to drive home because they were probably loaded. And I was like, no, no, no. Like, I want to play the games with your children. And I really, I really recall enjoying it. And at some point I always believed that I like more than anything, I wanted to be a parent. In fact, I foregone, forewent, um, one relationship in particular, because my partner at the time didn't want to be a father. And I was like, not a fucking chance in my world. And I really loved this fella, but I was like, no, get bent. And now when I reflect on the fact that I, you know, like maybe they were onto something.

So here's the thing. We have our first baby. It is a planned pregnancy. He came a bit earlier than we were sort of anticipating. Although I don't know how you can not anticipate because you actually know. Anyway, never mind. Comes into this world. Ash is amazing. We name him happy because, no, we don't name him happy. We name him Asher, which means happy in a language. And I'm in love, but I have never felt that level of terrifiedcation. Okay. This is my own personal word that I'm going to make this shit up. Terrified-tonian. And I remember thinking in my head, like, fuck, like I should be knowing how to, I have a PhD in psychology. I have a, I think one of the best moms on the planet. She's nothing about the way that she parented us.

We were her world. Okay. Everything revolved around us children for her own, um, respective stories. And, you know, I've talked about our story many times that, you know, her first child, um, she didn't get to know officially until she was in her forties. Um, because, um, my sister, my full biological sister was given up for adoption, um, and, or put up for adoption. And so I think there's some dynamic there, but I remember thinking how quintessential my mom was. And now as I reflect on this as a parent, I was like, God, I'm always trying to be as great as I deemed her to be. And I never felt myself living up to those expectations. This is only my own fucking story, not hers or anybody else's, but like, I don't like to cook. I don't, maybe I do, but I don't like, I like to work more. I like to chase my career and think

about the way that the world works more. Um, that I think was thank you to my father. And so it's this combination of navigating who I think we should be and who we want to be. And then you put a baby in your arms and all the stories were that you were going to love this kid. It was going to be fantastic. You were going to frolic. And I mean, again, keep in mind that at this time I had worked in the children's hospital for, I don't know, five or six years, knowing a lot about anxiety and depression and, you know, certainly have spoke about postpartum. I had postpartum anxiety. Like I, I don't even, I didn't even know it was that bad at the time, but I remember specifically having our, we had a midwife that, um, was just phenomenal with Asher.

And I remember just being so scared that I was going to hurt him, that I was going to drop him. And not that I wanted to, I wanted to hurt him. It was very ego dystonic for me to think that, you know, I was going to hurt him. Like it was so distressing. So then I just decided I wasn't going to pick him up. And, um, I wasn't a very good, I wasn't a very good milker. Like if you know me, despite the fact that I have fucking double G's, there was not a stitch of milk in these udders. And I was like, come on. And so I remember her being there. And I, I, I had this, this very distinct memory where she was holding him and I was just thinking, good, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna just step out of the room. I'm going to step away from this because at least he's safe with her. And I remember her deliberately sort

of crawling into bed with me, putting Asher in my arms and saying, okay, you're going to feed him now. This is the plan. And like even manipulating my body in the bed towards my son. And I remember thinking, okay, if she thinks I can do this, maybe I can do this. Right. And I remember thinking, okay, she thinks I can do this. Maybe I can do this. Right. And I tell you this because I think it is such a lonely time, even in the beginning of parenting, oftentimes that we don't, um, if, if we don't live up to those expectations, what's that, what that feels like. And now listen, this is only my experience. Some women, some mothers, some parents step into this early stage of parenting and they love it. The babies are their jam and that they feel competent and confident and all of those things happen. Okay. Um, but I do think that there are a, there will be a stage, whoever you are as a parent,

where you feel less competent and that's where the doubt will step in. Whether you're good with babies or you're not good with babies or you're good with teens or you're not good with whatever the fucking deal is. Okay. So for me, it's certainly happened and the baby stage. And I thought, okay, cool. Like when, when I know more, when they get bigger, I'll be more competent. Okay. I'm still waiting for that part. But anyway, so Ash comes along, we get this all sort of sorted out. I remember thinking just how fragile and precious his life was and, and then just how cool he was. And so there was this settling into like, I, I really started to enjoy him probably when he was about 18 months and thinking about like, he was so funny and so fascinating. I remember him most in pictures and videos, which I think is kind of sad because I think as parents, we do this quite often. We, we are so busy in the run of the day and that's

a whole other episode I'm going to talk about, but, um, that oftentimes we miss it. And I will look back at videos and pictures of my kids and think like, fuck, that was amazing that there's so much emotion that comes in that for me, because I remember being there, but I don't really remember being there. And so sometimes I even live it more emotionally when I'm watching it back. I don't know if that happens to you, but, um, and then of course then we get twins. And so I had a miscarriage in between, um, Asher and the twins. And, um, we were, I think, 11 weeks pregnant with that baby and so excited about the world and all the things. And I was like, okay, now I got a script for it. It feels like good. I'm like, let's go. I'm going to enjoy this

and Asher and all the things. And then we lost the baby and it was a pretty big deal. Um, just, I mean, I ended up in the emergency room and you know, all of the things, um, that, you know, it was, it was just heartbreaking. My, thankfully the day of my mom happened to be visiting and, you know, Aaron was there, all the things, but I, I remember, you know, it was, it was just heartbreaking. My, thankfully the day of my mom happened to be visiting and, you know, Aaron was there, all the things, but I, I remember, you know, physically losing the baby and, and being able to be like, okay, now, now, now what do we do? You know, I'm at home. Um, and there was just like, again, the rush of emotion that just felt so completely out of control. Um, and then not even a month after that, no, a month and a half after that, then we're pregnant with the twins. And that pregnancy was high risk. That pregnancy was beautiful for

the first 20 weeks. We didn't know we were having twins until maybe 10 weeks in, I think. And I went to the first ultrasound by myself because it was an emergency ultrasound. I was measuring way too big. And so they were concerned there was a tumor or something in wrong with the way the baby was sitting. And so we did a ultrasound fast. And so Aaron was out of town that particular day and he just said, okay, are you okay? Do you want to go by yourself? And I was like, yes, I go. And so they say, you, oh, congratulations. You're having two babies. And I have no memory of, I can see everything about the room. I know what she looked like, kind of a bit of a bitchy looking ultrasound tech and not like ultrasound techs. I love you, but this particular one. And I mean, this was just a job for her, right? She's like, Hey,

you're having twins. They're sort of in a bunk bed position. I can kind of see, I think one's a boy, one's a girl. And I was like, okay, time out. I am old and I have just proven to myself and potentially the world that I'm not good at this mothering thing. And now you were like, you got two. Holy fuck. So I asked her to explain the whole thing to me one more time. And like, was she sure? And so then she flipped the little computer screen around and said like, no, here they are. And their heartbeats, I can see them and blah, blah, blah. Okay, good. So I tell my personal husband, um, actually I didn't want to tell him over the phone. Uh, he said to me, uh, right after

the ultrasound, are you okay? Is the baby okay? And I was like, you got it. And then we met at home later and I handed him the, um, ultrasound picture that said twin A and twin B. And he just said, fuck off, which, you know, such a loving, enduring response to the fact that our family size has just fucking quadrupled. But also, um, then the next words out of his mouth, and I will never forget this for as long as we lived, were we need a bigger car, which I mean, again, he's a practical, logical spreadsheet dude. And so good for you. But I'm more like, oh, my God, what's going to happen to my mental health, to my body? What about Asher? Holy fuck. I'm going to die like that. You know. What about Asher? Holy fuck, I'm going to die. Like that, you know? Hey, everyone.

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And with over a million five-star reviews, you're in good hands. Download the Maple app today. See a real doctor on your phone in minutes, 24-7. Get Maple, but get well sooner. Anyway, so get these babies on the ground. It was a shitty, hard bed, rusty. Thank God for my mother-in-law, my mom. They were just such gems. Babies come, they're little. Um, we stay in the NICU. They came four weeks early, I think. And I remember again, never being so scared, uh, that I was going to hurt them, that they weren't going to be okay. Um, that I didn't have a way to sort of know or communicate with them.

So I had to figure all this stuff out. And I was like, what if I get it wrong? And so my physician at the time, the most wonderful OB put me on anti-anxiety meds even before I left the hospital. And I've never came off them. And I really attribute that insight, um, to be a game changer for me because I felt like I was absolutely exhausted in the twins, um, first probably two years maybe. Um, and again, we had all the resources. I'm the most privileged fucking lucky woman on the planet. And, um, I just many days was wondering how I was going to navigate it. And, um, and then they grow up. Okay. So I go back to work when everybody is at least one, I start this little private practice. That's all I want to do. I'm going to get them all involved in hockey and preschool and coach and do all the things. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to really love this part of it.

And my career took off in a direction I had no idea it was going to go in. But I say that with all the love in my heart because I actually do think I have always been driven. I always wanted more. And despite the fact that I really love my children more than anything on the planet, I mean, I think there's a big difference between loving your kids and feeling competent as a parent. I think that's two very different things. And there is one thing that I know for certain in this world, and perhaps maybe the only thing I know for certain is that I love them more than I ever dreamed possible. And what I question on a frequent basis, conversely, is my ability to do that well, my desire to do that well. I worry

sometimes that like, I don't love it as much as I thought I would, or I should, or, you know, why don't I, why not? Am I not better at like baking shit and like being there all the time to sort of welcome them home? And so I'm, you know, it's interesting because now and at this moment, Asher just turned 13, the twins are still 10 and everybody's entering middle school. And I spend a lot of time thinking about how I'm letting them down way more than I think about the things I'm getting right. Mostly because they're getting extremely good at telling me about all the things I'm doing bad.

And which again, let me just remind you, that is their job. In fact, did you hear me say that? I just said, let me remind you. Here's what I'm going to say to myself. Let me remind me this. That is their job to lose their minds, to have big emotions, and to put it somewhere. To say, I hate you, I dislike you, I'm not sure I want to stay on this planet. All those things that are scariest when they come out of the mouths of our babes is actually what we want to have the space for. And listen, if you hear anything in this little episode, here's what I want to normalize. The difference I think between even our parents' generation and ours is that there was not a lot of opportunity to put big emotion places. And I think it was only okay, if that's even a word, mostly because they had more physical

proximity to each other. Okay. They were in the physical presence of their children more and may or may not have been able to pick up on things more or to be noticing things more than maybe we have the opportunity to do today. Because the fact is, we don't spend a lot of face-to-face connection with our kids. We don't. I mean, the data is really remarkable about this. In fact, you know, I mean, there's a quote or a

study that I quote in Feeling Seen about, you know, our great-grandparents, it's estimated that they looked at their children 72% more at the time than we look at our babies. But I was just reading a study today about, you know, that most parents spend between, I think it's like 85 and 115 minutes with their children on any given day, right? And I think about, you know, more now than ever, single parent households. I think in, I'm going to make this up, but I think like 20 years ago, 30 years ago, two parent households were the norm. And now certainly that has changed drastically. So when you average out your ability to sort of be with your child, whether you work or you're in a separated position or you're a single parent or, you know, you're trying to navigate more than one child, even, you know, with one child. I mean, the idea is there is a significantly less opportunity. Oh, in addition to the fact that we're overwhelmed, but less opportunity to look and to see. And I often talk about this, right? What we haven't automated, what we will never automate is relationship. And so there's a couple of reasons why I think parenting is really fucking hard these days. Okay. So again, remember this

is for me as much as it is for you. There's no script for it for them or for us, especially these days. So in many generations that came before us, there was clarity in roles. Moms do this. Dads do this. Both parents are at home. Mom takes the primary nurturing role so that you can focus only on that piece, cooking, cleaning, managing a space to hold emotions. Dad, make the money so we can facilitate that. The idea of a two-dad household or a two-mom household, even in my childhood, was blasphemous? And in one generation, there has been such a dramatic shift in those roles, but with absolutely no role clarity. Moms, be anything you want. Be CEOs, do the things, live your dreams, show your fucking kids how to do it. Woo woo. Also,

can you pick them up? You should be there before and after every school and you really should like to cook and clean and do all the things and love on them and those things. So we have changed roles, but particularly for women, we've added to them. Now we've also opened up the opportunity, whatever that fucking means, to change the dynamic within systems, two dads, two moms, single parents. What we haven't written then is what the fuck you do to stay connected to your kids. When you are also inundated, right? Two generations ago, three generations ago, roles are much clearer. You know what you're supposed to do in the run, very little freedom, lots of more role clarity. And so when you come home, when kids came home, there was an ability

to sort of maybe much more of an ability, I don't know, to sink in. And now there's no script for what we do, which I suppose was true, is true in every generation. I guess I just feel justified to say that in this generation in particular, it feels like the dramatic shift from what our moms did and what maybe our great grandmothers to our grandmothers did. I don't know. It feels bigger. It feels bigger. I'd love your thoughts on this. And I think that the other thing that we don't talk a lot about yet, and I can't wait as we talk about the social media inundation from our children, but we don't talk about that, how we are the first generation of parents that have had social media inundation,

like never before. We've never had this much access to the data about our own children. The anxiety inducing fucking stuff that that brings on when you now know every move where your kid is on their snap map and you can look at their Instagram and you see who they're sleeping with and who they're snapping with and Facebook. And well, Facebook is not a thing anymore, but you know what I mean? Like the real time or the real face or the Snapchat, whatever the fuck they do, that changes all the time. And our access to now knowing that about them is, is beautiful in one way because we have some sort of external access to what might be going on with them, but it's so superficial. And at the end of the day, when we are also inundated by all these other things and our jobs and working and running and being all the things

that we're supposed to be to the world, when we come home, the heaviness of the world makes it a little bit difficult, I think, to carve out the time for one of the hardest things that has always been. And that is to look into the eyes of the people we love. And so if anything is going to go, it's going to be that. But it's remarkable to me, because the thing we need the most is that connection on purpose. But the more incompetent we feel in the role of a parent, the less we will look. You see? And so here's what I want to tell you more than anything. Do not underestimate your power. Your children need you and you can never, ever, ever, not one time, most of the time, take the cues from them on how you're doing. Okay. They will say this all the time. I fucking hate you or you're terrible. I'd rather be with anybody. You should put me up

for adoption. I heard all of those things this last week in my personal house. And I want to remind you and me that their job is to get emotionally dysregulated, to lose their frigging mind, to say and do things and try things on for size and figure out how that stings and hurts and feels in the relationship with those most closest to them and how we step back in and repair becomes the most important. Now, is it okay that you speak poorly to me, that you tell me you hate me and do all those things? Not a fucking chance. It is not, if I'm going to have those conversations, it's when, and I get scared so much when I hear my kids saying, um, you know, is it worth it for me to be here? Um, am I, you know, I have no friends. Will I ever find my people? I mean, I've heard that for sure from two of the three of my kids.

And it is so debilitating as a parent to want to fix it, right? Not debilitating to want to fix it. It becomes debilitating in our efforts, our desire to take away their pain. And if there's anything that matters the most, I think it's really about the capacity to hold it just for a little while, to be able to put it somewhere and hold it. Because here's a couple of truths. There's no script for this. There's a lot of opinions that we have access now more today, more than ever, right? To hear what people say and what we should be doing or shouldn't be doing and all those things. We don't get a break from it. Neither do our kids. So in turn, there's this constant comparison, right? What's this one doing? What's that one doing? Okay. At least her kids are worse than mine, whatever that is that we have more access to that today now more than ever. And number four, kids are assholes. Okay. Now that is their job to be as holiery-ish. Now all

of them to different levels have those skills, but their job is to sort of figure out their world with us. And so I would think that as we wrap up this episode, here's where I'm going to land today. I'm formulating a thought. Here's where I'm goingulating a thought. Here's where I'm going to land today. Maybe I haven't completely formulated the thought yet. Drop your shoulders. And drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth. And wiggle your toes.

The only thing kids these days need is somebody to walk them through the hard stuff. We are actually not responsible for how they come out the other side. But the more present we can stay on purpose, particularly in the places where we feel the most incompetent or we are told we are not very competent, is sometimes the biggest work of it all. Secondly, I think you're never meant to do any of this alone. And I think we're embarrassed sometimes when other parents give us advice or we

talk to them or they give us insight about our kids, man, I, I, the thing that matters the most to me these days is creating an open sense of communication with the parents and caregivers of the kids that your children spend time with. There's a lot of eyes on our hockey coaches, our teachers, our best friends' kids, the places where our kids have sleepovers, really working hard at knowing that the big people have to navigate some of those conversations, those fights, the sleepovers where some kid wants to come home, the time where this mom finds out that your kid was saying or writing about things

that, you know, how the fuck did she know about that before you did? That's the point. This is not a new concept. It takes a village. Your vulnerability and ability to lean into that, to ask for connection, to let teachers know, bus drivers know where your kid is at in a very respectful, developmentally respectful way. To be able to sit and talk with your kid on purpose, oftentimes the best times, you know, I've talked about many times in kids these days is nighttime and bedtime, even when, you know, the lights are off and you can sit at the foot of the bed and have a conversation, going for a drive, having a snack, uh, all of those things, um, sometimes give us the best access to those tiny little prefrontal cortexes. So listen, thank you for joining me today, talking about just how hard this is, because

I will tell you in real time, this season of parenting scares the shit out of me. And here's the other thing that scares the shit out of me more. I'm just getting started. I can't even think about that very much. So anyway, just believe there will be many more episodes, uh, about, uh, this journey to come. And, uh, thank you for sitting with me in, uh, as everyone comes from somewhere, little place, this little sacred space we're trying to create. And in the meantime, look after each other. And I can't wait to meet you right back here.

I'm a registered clinical psychologist here in beautiful Alberta, Canada. The content created and produced in this show is not intended as specific therapeutic advice. The intention of this podcast is to provide information, resources, some education, and hopefully a little hope. The Everyone Comes From Somewhere podcast by me, Dr. Jodi Carrington, is produced by Brian Seaver, Taylor McGillivray, and the amazing Jeremy Saunders at Snack Labs. Our executive producer is the one and only, my Marty Piller. Our marketing strategist is Caitlin Beneteau. And our PR big shooters are Des Veneau and Barry Cohen. Our agent, the 007 guy, is Jeff Lowness from the Talent Bureau.

And my emotional support during the taping of these credits was and is and will always be my son, Asher Grant. Woo! If you're at a point in life when you're ready to lead with purpose, we can get you there. The University of Victoria's MBA in Sustainable Innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true changemakers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges. From healthcare and the environment to energy, government, and technology, It's your path to meaningful leadership in all sectors. For details, visit uvic.ca slash future MBA. That's uvic.ca slash future MBA.