Unlonely with Dr. Jody Carrington - Why Men Are So Lonely Right Now - Nick Koumalatsos

Episode Date: April 30, 2026

If you’ve been worried about the men you love—or you are one—this conversation is for you.Dr. Jody Carrington sits down with Nick Koumalatsos to talk about male loneliness and brotherhood, the state of men’s emotional health, and why so many men are carrying crushing pressure without the words or space to name it. Nick makes a bold case: men aren’t struggling because they’re weak. They’re struggling because they’re isolated.Together, they unpack the “lone wolf” myth, the weight men often feel to keep performing no matter what, and how stress, anger, exhaustion, and disconnection can quietly harden into burnout, addiction, or despair. Nick also shares his own story—from childhood hardship to special operations, trauma, identity loss, and the long road back to connection.This one is honest, intense, and deeply practical.You’ll hear:• Why male isolation is such a serious mental health issue• The difference between solitude, loneliness, and disconnection• How trauma gets buried when the job has to get done• What happens when identity cracks in midlife or after a major life chapter ends• Why men need brotherhood, not performance• How to notice who drains you, who fuels you, and where healing beginsJody and Nick also get into boundaries, nervous system care, purpose, and the small next steps that help people come back to themselves.If you care about men’s mental health, modern masculinity, burnout, or building real human connection again, start here.---Links & Resources:• Dr. Jody Carrington: https://www.drjodycarrington.com/• Nick Koumalatsos: https://nickkoumalatsos.com/• Nick Koumalatsos Shop: https://shop.nickkoumalatsos.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi there. Welcome back. Welcome in to another episode of the Unlunly Podcast and I got to tell you something today. This episode was a tricky one for me because I came in with my shoulders up. I was ready to have hard conversations about men's mental health with this human and I absolutely fell in love. Nick Kamalutzes is a fascinating human being. He's a seasoned entrepreneur and a business coach, which we don't talk anything about in this episode, but he is a background in special ops.

So he was in the Marine, he was an elite Marine raider. And he came from, He was in juvie at 11 years old. We talk about the difficult childhood that he had and the evolution into a really remarkably successful human when he has failed and fucked up so many times he can't even count. And he's articulate and he's brilliant. And he is now a driving force in the world of business.

He founded Johnny Slicks, a booming organic grooming brand and leads a high impact, a high impact coaching program designed to skyrocket business success. He also has a hugely supportive role in men's mental health. He offers retreats, does all these things. I was just, I was so interested to dive into this perspective of men and what they need these days in this very isolated world. And we open with a hard question and then we back up into sort of his life and how he got here. So his expertise, like it lies in scaling businesses and smashing through growth barriers and building formidable teams, he says. But I would argue he is one of the most talented at describing what it's like to kind of

figure out how to get emotionally reconnected as a human when the expectation of you as a man has been to always be tough, tough through things, push through things. And he articulates it beautifully. I so adore this conversation. And I cannot wait to hear what you think. listen. Okay, listen to me right now. Again, this intro you just heard about Nick, I really want to jump right in here, you rock star, and ask a little bit about what it's like, what do you see, what do you worry the most about when you look at the state of emotional health and men in this

world as you've navigated in some of the deepest, darkest corners of this planet, and you've now work so hard to shine a light on what it means to be a human. What is heaviest right now for you? Why do we need to be worried about men in particular? They're isolated. Then the isolation is what worries me. We have this society that truly, truly believes that, well, it's not believes. They've isolated men in any way possible they can. And they've got men to think that this rhetoric of lone wolf in strength is somehow wrapped up into the same thing. And the reality is it's the opposite of that. It's community, it's brotherhood, it's tribal nature that actually makes men really strong. And we can really achieve amazing things together and in a group.

versus a man, you know, that's isolated. And the truth is the whole lone wolf thing. The lone wolf is a sick and excommunicated wolf. He goes off to die alone. And the analogy I use is like if you're in the woods and you come up against a wolf, I like my odds, right? One wolf against me, like I like my odds. But you get a pack of wolves and it's a wrap.

It's done. And we can get more into that. But I really think that the powers that be, whatever you want to, whatever they are, whatever society you want to call it is, they've done very well, a very good job of isolating men and keeping them kind of in this thing that I call, you know, we call salty, you know, stressed, angry, lonely, tired, and yearning for more. Tell me more about salty. Let's start there.

So, you know, men are, I think that the majority of men are stressed. There's a funny, there's a funny video, and I can send it to you. It's just a meme that I posted where a guy is driving, literally driving through a tornado. And it's like an accurate depiction of what men's lives are like. And it's like, how are you doing, you know? Them, how are you doing? Me, fine, as I'm just. weaving through a tornado.

Barely fucking hanging on. It's true for humans these days, right? We're like, we're good. Everything's good. Marriage is good, really love life and everything. Yeah, we're great. White knuckling this shit out of this thing. There's a cow driving by, a house is going to hit me.

You know what I mean? And I shared that out and all my, you know, my community was like, oh my God, I've never seen a more visual representation of what my life is like right now. And the reality is, is, is, you know, what do we say? I'm fine. And I do it too. I, like, let's be right. I do it too.

And I'm, you know, how is everything going? I do it so much that now they've, they've, like, my team has given me these little pen, like little pen that, you know, the meme of the, the dog sitting in the house burning? Yeah. And he's like, this is fine. Everything's fine. Like, that's me.

Like, you know, but, you know, I'm, I'm calm under chaos. And that's the reason why they say that. But the reality is, it's like we are, you know, men are driving through a tornado and, and what that tornado is their life, it's, it's, it's trying to make money. It's, it's paying the bills. It's keeping food on the table. It's making sure that your, that your wife has all of her needs met, that your kids are being taught the way that they need to be taught and the lessons that they, and it really comes

down, it all comes down to you. And, and everybody, you know, no, like, listen, I love women. I love my wife. there's no in no world do i have the life that i have without her like it takes two to tango all right but i but we have very different roles right women are very women have wear their emotions on their on their sleeve on their skin it's like if you you don't need to know you don't need to ask how a woman's doing like she's letting you know how she's doing all right if she's stressed she's you're going about it, right? But it's very different for us, and we don't have, we don't have the ability,

men don't have the ability or the space to just freak out and to lose their mind. It doesn't work. They haven't been taught how to have an emotional language. Right. And I think historically, that's the issue, right? We've come up against a time. I have two sons and a daughter. I have a remarkably non-emotional husband. And I think that it's not about capacity. And I think that's our biggest mistake, right? Do men and boys, do our sons, those who identify as men? Do they have the capacity? Yes. Absolutely. Have we provided an opportunity? You cannot use muscles that you've never used. And to our point, isn't this true? Yeah, absolutely. But I think it even goes more to like, at the end of the day, like, the job has to get done. So I can be, I can be upset all I want.

I can be say it's not fair. I can be tired. I can be stressed. None of that matters because the job still has to get done. I still have to execute. I still have to show up. And that's always been the expectation in the bones. Four men, would you argue, over women? 100%. Yeah.

Carrying that lift. That's historically been in. And here's the deal. Genetically, we're built for it. Yeah. Men can endure less sleep. They can endure more physical load. We are genetically built by our creator to carry the life.

load. Yeah. Yeah. Like you said, at the same time, then you take away. That's when I go back to the isolation. Now you take all of that load and you put a man alone and you isolate him and he has no outlet. Well, that's when things start to deteriorate.

Yeah. I got it. So here they are stressed. Now they're stressed and then they're angry. They're angry at the situation at society. They might not even know why they're angry. They're just angry at the, like the, like the. environment that they're in. And it's just frustration, right? Because I'm having to handle all of

this thing. You know, so-and-so's upset. This kid's upset. Now there's a problem at school. This bill's got to get paid. The water heater just went out. The car's having problems. You know what I mean? It's like it just never ends. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. His responsibility it is. This guy. Yes. I'm going to handle it. Right. Yeah. And then on on in top of being surrounded by the people who love you the most and you love the most. Like you have these amazing, you might have an amazing wife. You might have amazing kids, an amazing family, yet you still feel alone. Yeah.

So you have this. Two big differences between alone and lonely, isn't there? Very much. Very much. And so like you can, you can have all of this. And that's the biggest thing that I think men don't really grasp. is like, oh, I am lonely. And it's not that they're doing anything wrong.

It's just that they're isolated from a tribal environment that they're genetically built to be around. Yeah. And I'll prove that to you in a second. Yeah. So now you're stressed, you're angry, you're lonely. You're fucking exhausted of it all. It's all of it's tired. So men are just tired all the time.

So when you get into suicide, this is stuff that I was getting into suicide, is, and I have a whole talk on this, but I don't think that people that commit suicide want to kill themselves. I truly don't. I don't think that they want to take their own life. I think that they're so exhausted

from the weight that they're feeling that they're just looking for a relief, a relief from the pressure, a relief from the stress, a relief from not sleeping. Like I didn't sleep from 2009 to 2014. I really didn't sleep. I didn't have a good night's sleep.

It wasn't until I went to a inpatient brain clinic post service and then got some things worked out that I actually slept for the first time. Like, you know, fully. Unmedicated and un- And sober. And sober. That's where I was going. Right. Which isn't real sleep medication.

And that's not real sleep anyway. Right. Right. So now guys are just tired. And I don't think that people, you know, I don't think that meant commit suicide because they want to take their own life. I think they're just, they make a. a permanent decision off a temporary problem based off being just absolutely exhausted with everything. Exhausted, yes.

And then, you know, at the end of the day, they know that there's this, there's this thing inside of them, inside of them that all people have, that all men have that just have this, this core nucleus inside of them that knows that they're meant for more. that they're meant to have a better body, that they're meant to be a better leader, that they're meant to be a better husband, a better father, and a better man, and they just don't know how to get there. And this is the dichotomy that men find themselves in in this nation. It's just salty. Okay. I love that.

you write in excommunicated warrior um you really have this conversation about it's it's actually a human problem that you've learned right it's not just about men in the military because take take me back to sort of where this started for you i mean a rough childhood end up an elite marine raider can you can you take me through that that journey a little bit start me at the beginning and and and walk me through that. And if you could explain to my audience what it means to actually get to the point of being a Marine Raider, we're in Canada. I'm in Canada in this moment.

And so there's really not, I think, a great understanding of what it takes to be a Marine, what it means to make that level. So can you take me from this kid who was in Juvie and is now then at the sort of epitome of a military hierarchy? Show me that. Show me that journey. Oh, man. What a, what a, what a ride.

What a ride it's been and what a ride it's to lose. I bet. Yeah, we, you know, coming from a broken home, you know, not an active father in my life, raised by my mom who, you know, I had my difficulties with when I was young, but looking back now and we've had this conversation all the time, I'm like, it is so impressive. Her and my little brother, she just survived and made it happen.

And I asked her one time, I said, Mom, how much money were you making a month? And she's like, oh, honey, like 500, less than a thousand a month,

you know? And I'm like, she's got to pay rent and you got to pay, like, food. And no wonder we were getting our clothes out of Goodwill and, you know,

full of lice and eating, eating, you know, you remember the stove top oatmeal? Yes. You know, You had to make actually in the pot. I still have trauma around that. I bet you too.

Something I got to work on. You can remember it all, I bet. Hey, just so clearly. Yeah. Anyways, the, you know, and, you know, looking back now, I'm like, we moved around. I was in a different school every six months to a year. I was in a, like, we moved every six months almost. And I used to think we were like running from the law.

But she was just, you know, getting one job. to the next. So that was my childhood. Um, living out of a trash bag sometimes, you know, as luggage and just, you know, wake up in a car and like, where are we going? We're like, Arizona. Like, okay, we're moving to Arizona. Wow. And you got to understand this is like the perception of a kid, right? And I'll never forget, we came back to Florida. We came back to Pensacola and we got this cool little townhouse in Pensacola, which I thought was rad. It was like probably a ghettoish neighborhood. But I thought it was super cool. I had a big broom, you know, big moss trees and it looked like, you know, there was a fire hydrant that they'd open all the time

and all the kids would be planning the fire hydrant. So I was like, this is great. Yeah, but we didn't, I didn't unpack. Like there was no furniture. We just had a mattress on the floor and we had this, we did have a really big couch. I remember that. And, uh, very limited furniture. And, uh, she goes, why aren't you going to pack? And I'm like, well, we're going to leave anyway. So it's just easier. It's just easier if I leave the stuff in the trash bag. And I will, I would never forget the look on her face that she was like, oh, I've done this to my kids. And I was like, I will never forget that look of like, this is the life that we live, that this little boy is basically just going to live out of this contractor trash bag as his luggage.

And I was just, I would pull clothes out of there and I'd put clothes back in there and pull clothes. You know, but that was the life up until, you know, teenage years. And then we were in Panama City. and that's where that's where things kind of started to go sideways she she was in a in a marriage for a long time that he would kind of come and go um and he had you know he was physically abusive so i don't know if you probably do one in one and three men are physically abused one and four men are sexually abused that standard i can put 20 men in a room and if i get them to open up i will i will prove that that right every single time um so if you're listening to

into this or watching. If you know four men, one of them has been sexually abused and more than likely one or two have been physically abused. And so that was me up until the age of 11. And I fought back. And then she got, she like, it created this whole thing. And like this big eruption of the house. She dropped them immediately.

I remember I jumped out the window and ran away. And I never saw him again. That was it. That was the last day I ever saw him. Wow. And then that's when things kind of took a turn for even the worst. Got into a gang, started doing, you know, petty crime with this, with this essentially like semi-organized crime.

Yeah. I mean, if you were going to do it, you were doing it right. I'm going to do it. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know, you'll go, you know. From the beginning. We're full after anything.

You do not half-ass anything. I love this, Nick. You was a smart kid, this guy. And I was, you know, Dr. Jody, I'm 11 years old. Oh, babe. You know, how old your kids? Yeah, I was just thinking about our, I have 12-year-old twins and a 15-year-old. 12-year-old.

So like 11 years old. I'm 11 and 12, I'm doing this stuff. And then, you know, I got, got pinched and arrested and eventually got one felony, got on, I guess I was on like parole or some. sort of not even rapport. I don't think we went to the court. Like supervised something? Supervised something. Yeah.

I wasn't fully done and then messed up again and got caught with a weapon on school grounds because I was on, it was automatically another felony. And then I was on probation for three years as a teenager. Wow. Which felt like an eternity. Oh, I can't imagine that people are watching your, Oh my God, I'm doing, I'm doing like, what's not community service. Yes.

And how pissed off you would have been under that. I mean, maybe you wanted some of that control and some, you know, to have somebody oversee you a little bit, but also like, fuck off. Well, my mom did a very good thing, very smart thing. She worked out with the judge that I could do community service at a church. And why was that good? Tell me why. Well, it was good because there was, there was a, they had a very large,

youth group there. And the youth pasture, his name is Jack McDonald, bless his heart, I love him to death, hope he's doing well, just took me under his wing. And like, I was sweeping stairwells and I was doing all the community service. But Dr. Jody, let me tell you, these young teenage girls were so pretty. And they liked Nick. And I was like, I can do this. I think I can, I can do this. And so that was really the turn of things. And I met some great people, Vernon Lewis, who's unfortunately passed away and some just amazing people that really changed the course of my teenage years after a hard life of crime at 13 years old.

Well, honestly, you know, and I love that you say this, Nick, because I say this all the time around here, it just takes one. And sometimes when our mamas and daddies, because of where they came from, could only give us the best they could with what they had. Yeah. I never underestimate your power in a community to be that commander, to be that hockey coach, to be that soccer kid, to be the guy at the youth pasture. Because it's actually not our parents who play the most pivotal role sometimes.

It is an aunt or the best friend's dad or the uncle. And I think about this all the time, you know, when I'm volunteering in our community where I'm like, holy fuck, I'm so exhausted. I don't know that I can do this. I'm going to show up at hockey practice. I mean, I don't know how to throw a baseball, but I'll fucking coach. I'll tell you that, because all I'm going to do is bring snacks for the kids that want to tell everybody to get bent. That's right.

And I think when we can just, like you are a testament to that is that it does take a village. And we've known this. I mean, this is the oldest adage in the book that it takes a village to raise babies. And right now in this lonely world, particularly. Right? We've never seen this decrease in, you know, a massive increase in single parent household. A decrease in access to grandparent and grandparent like figures. and a decrease in siblings, which means the village are really, like, organically decreasing

and our responsibility in communities, right? Which is why the military is so attractive for so many people who haven't felt a connection. And when you find this piece of, you know, okay, as long as we have the right fits, if the right commander is along, if the right person in charge is there, not some assholeryish broken person, you know, it not only changes life, it saves it. And I would argue, like this, you know, when you name those two, three people, they rewrote a little bit of that neurochemistry for you, hey. That's right.

And you said it, I don't even know how many times you said it in multiple ways, but you said community. I said one of the biggest things that we're facing here is isolation. The fix to that is community. And you said it like four times in a row. Yeah. And that's exactly what it was. That was the pivot in my life as a young man was I found community in a positive way.

Okay. And instead of being isolated as an abused stepchild, right? Yeah. And so that was the kind of the really big turning point. I really got my stuff together. I started working really hard. I was working multiple jobs and got a place to where I think I moved out at 16, 17 years old. Got my own place and was working and doing things.

I mean, I dropped out of school. But that was a different story. I got, I finished the 10th grade. I caught up in school. I had to go to an alternative school. Then went back to high school, finished the 10th grade. But in that summer, I was making like, it was silly. I was making like four grand a week legally.

Right? Legal. Legally. Yeah. And as a 16 year old, and it was like time to go back to school to be like my 11th grade year, like whatever that is called. And I was like, I don't see. You want me to go to school to learn about osmosis and dissecting frogs? I think I'm, guys, I think I'm good.

I don't want to give this up. Anyways, so I didn't. I got my GED and then and then it was doing this job. And I had this, this moment of panic, which I had several of those moments in my life where I saw my future. And I saw these old guys in my mind. They were super old. They're probably just my age now. Yeah, exactly.

That's 33. Yeah, right. Super old guys. He's 33. But they were like the manager of the hotel. I was doing audio visual technical work in the conference center setting up projectors and lights and microphones from like 6 a.m. to 2. And then from 2.30 to 10, I was a bellman at the same on the other side at the actual resort side.

Bay Point Marriott, if anybody knows that. And in Panama City, Beach, Florida. And I saw these old, these quote unquote old guys. And I was like, oh, my God, that could be my life in the next 10, 20 years. Like, that's all I've got. That's the road that I'm heading on. And I really just kind of panicked. And I was like, okay, I'm going to blow my life up.

So I went to see the Marine recruiter. I was like, well, I want to join the military. That's the easy way. Like I don't, I don't have any other outs, right? Okay. I don't have any other outs. I know I didn't want to do school. School was not for me.

Yep. Says the guy who's, is entered into a PhD program currently. Yes. I love that. School at the time was not for you. School at the time was not for me. Anyways, so I did. I ended up, long story short, I went in with the recruiter and the recruiter did his whole sales pitch.

And he's like, all right, let's take your information down. I'm going to run your information and went to the back and then I'll never forget, it came out on his face with the paper and his shaking and said. He's like, son, you are never joining the Marine Corps or any branch of the military. I'm like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, I'm fucking great. Let's go. And he's like, well, you're.

your high school dropout and a convicted felon times two. So, and this is the Clinton error. So, like, this was the late 90s. So that was, this is never happening. You know what I mean? Like, you're not getting into military. Thanks for trying. Dr. Jody, that was the worst thing they could ever do.

I was like, oh, this is what I want to do. And now you're going to tell me no, Roger. I hear a challenge. I hear a challenge. That's what I hear. That's all I hear. So I spent almost two years and I blew my life up. I got I left that house.

I moved in with my grandmother. I left that job making all that money and worked nights at a movie theater getting paid minimum wage, which back then was like $4.25. Wow. And I got my first check after two weeks for like $170 bucks. And I was like, what am I supposed to what is this? How do people live off this? I'm going to school because the military does, they don't like high school dropouts, but they love a college dropout. You want to drop out of college and enlisting the military?

Let's go. They're happy. Okay, got it. So anyways, a bunch of things, you know, took me almost two years. The felonies were the hardest thing to get to get waivers for. But we got through it. And then, you know, and then it's just one perseverance adversity after the other. After two years of trying to get in, I get in, seven days in, I break my wrist.

I'm dropped a medical rehabilitation platoon. And did you go straight into the Marines? Like, can you do that? Or is there a- Check the Marine Corps. Okay. Yeah. And then, you know, throughout the career,

I was like, it's never enough. I didn't like where I was at. So as a senior leader said, why don't you go to force reconnaissance? So I took the screening for Forest Reconnaissance at the time. It was like the top of the Marine Corps. Made it. Crazy. Made it.

Got into there. And then special operations came around in 2006. And when I came back from overseas, I took selection to be in that unit, that specialized unit, made it through selection. And then that was the rest of my half of my first of my half of my career. career I spent doing the cool guy stuff that people see in the movies of riding motorcycles with guns and out of helicopters as they land and bad guy land and just the most of crazy amazing stuff, you know, parachuting and diving and it was fun.

I love like when you describe that. I see you look like you're 12. Yeah. Your face softens. I can see there was some joy in that in those years. Absolutely. And there's probably more joy in it now, to be honest. There's a lot more joy in it now that I've, my, my, my.

perception of it has changed quite a bit. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. I've tried to like partition all of the negative and the bad side and try to really remember like how just how cool it was to be able to to be one of the very few people to get to serve in that capacity and do the things that people really only dream of. So I think it's very important that I frame those memories in the appropriate manner and

not so much a negative. And I bet. And where did you serve? I was going to say, and again, I think for sure, right, around the trauma and around that sort of support, did you find that there was a lot of support in that time? Did you create your own internal support systems when you were seeing and feeling and smelling some of that heavy stuff? No, honestly not. I mean, because like we talked about at the beginning, it doesn't really matter. Like, you have a job to do. And that's the, that's the sad and hard part about that job is, you know,

this is what this you know it's not combat that really messes men up it's not the actual combat it's it's everything around it right that's that's what the actual damage is um going on a mission and having your brother who you've trained with and you've known for years and he's like you're closer to this guy than your own physical family you know and there's the quote in the bible that the they say blood is thicker thicker than water what it is what it really is what it really means is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb meaning that the brothers that you that you bleed with you're actually closer with than the water than the people that you're actually born with. Okay. And so here you are on this mission and then this guy dies in

front of you and then what do you have to do? Just keep going. The mission doesn't stop. You don't get to take a time out. You don't get to mourn. There's no, there is none of that. You put him in a bag, you put him on a helicopter. He goes away and you carry on like it's like nothing that nothing changed. That's where, that's where I believe that the real, the real trauma and hardship comes from. Because that's what really breaks people. I imagine. And tell me what you think about this. I mean, I often think about this world of trauma where we say it's not what happened to you. It's what happened inside of you as a result of what happened to you that is different. then, Nick, was there a time where you put some of those things into place?

Was there a time where you found somewhere to put that? Tell me about that transition. So it's interesting. I love this conversation. I didn't put it anyway. Well, I did put it there. I buried it down deep. I ignored it.

I fucking know exactly where it is. Thank you very much. Yeah. It's deep in a dark, dark hole. And I'm never going to deal with it because I just kept moving. So the analogy I use is we're all, we're all on. a train. We're all our own conductors on a train, right? And that train's going 300 miles an hour. So like in my world, your train is going 300 miles an hour. And you never stop. It's one deployment

to a next workup, to the next deployment, to the next workup, to the next school. You're just, it's always the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. By design. Hey, by design. Yeah. It's a very fast life, right? Very hard, very fast life. It ages you. You put a lot of miles on your chassis. You know, like I was young. It's funny. Like, you know, it's Look at me now, I'm 43. Yeah, I'm only 43, but man, I got a lot of miles on this body. Miles on this, Jesse, I'll tell you. Yeah.

So, but the thing is, is when you exit the service or when you, there's a chapter change for everybody, and this is kind of where it becomes a human being thing. There's a chapter change for everybody, whether you want it to or not, your life is never going to be the same. You are going to have chapters change in your life. When those chapters change. Sometimes you go from 300 miles to 10. But guess what?

You just had over a decade of collecting baggage. And it's all, you might have started with just the engine, but you've created cart after cart after cart. And it's just physics, my man. Here's the deal. It's physics. You can stop,

you can go 10 miles an hour, but guess what? All that shit is still going 300 miles an hour, and it is going to smack you right in the back of the head. And now you've got to deal with it. Uh-huh. And how you deal with that. is going to affect your success on the back end.

Amen. Is the key, isn't it? It's not if it's going to happen, it's when. No, it's going to happen. Yeah, right. You're going to do it. And I, like, I think about all of the men in my world right now, and particularly a lot of the people I love the most, I think about, you know, just how hard it gets to be

in this middle age. I mean, I can't put a number on it, but it does. There's a reckoning. Yeah. And I think historically we've called it, you know, a midlife crisis or we've called it like, you know, you try to numb with sex, drugs, and rock and roll until it kind of starts to fall around you. And tell me a little bit about when those, how did you know?

What started happening for you? How did you? Oh, man, it was bad. Started seeing dead people in crowds. Okay. So that's, I forgot the psychological term for it. You're hallucinating? What is it?

Were you hallucinating? It's not hallucinations. It's not necessarily hallucinations. It's like imagine you're driving by a group of people or you're walking past a group of people. And in that crowd, you see your dead friend. Okay. And then you do a double take and it's not them. Oh, yeah.

So common. Yeah, but there's a name for it where basically like your brain portrays situations and things. And then you do the double take and it's not there. You guys can Google it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll find it. There's a psychological name for it. But anyways, that started to happen. Like I said, hadn't slept and had a good night sleeping forever.

And because of that, then what people start to do is they start to self-medicate with drugs, booze, women. I did all that. Did all of it. And on top of that, to layer all of this on, you also just had a huge change in your life. You understand, I joined the military when I was 18 years old, right? I was about, I just turned 19 in recruit training. Okay. And now it's 12 years later.

This has been my whole life. This is your identity. It's my identity. It's who you are. It's how you introduce yourself. 100%. It's you got people have to know that about you. You know, because this is who I am now.

It's the way I carry myself. It's the, the clothes that I wear, it's the people I hang out with. It's the neighborhood that I live in. It's the things that I'm interested in. It is everything about neck. Okay. And then so on top of all of this trauma, this, this baggage, that you've been carrying around that just smacked you in the back of the head.

Now you're also, you mix in an identity crisis because if Nick's not a forced recon Marine, if Nick's not a Marine Raider, well, then who am I? What is my purpose? What am I doing here? What is the whole point of all this? And then all this stuff that goes to, then it gets real crazy and negative. It gets real crazy and negative going, well, did I just waste my entire 20s? That just waste my entire life, my entire adult life, youth?

Like, was all that for nothing? Did I get lied to? There's all kinds of weird negative stuff starts going through your head. Right? Yeah. And it's bad. And it sometimes can get stuck, right? Because it's like if you identified for so long, particularly when you, I think about

this so often in the world of men where it's like, I could I introduce myself as this guy or I was a sports star, I was a rodeo star, like whatever the deal is. And now it's like, wait, am I worthy enough as a human? And there's never, ever been that conversation. Could anybody just love me as Nick? Am I worthy of love? Yeah. I love myself.

Oh, fuck. No, you don't. Like, I mean, again, right? Because like your stuff and everything in there and only if you're good enough, if you exceed or excel, you made the Marines, you did this, you did those, you know. Okay, that's why obviously people want to date me or hang out with me or do anything. And now when that sort of goes away, the biggest question that you tend to have is, are you, were you ever worth it?

That's what I hear you saying, right? Is it maybe I am that piece of shit. Yeah. And then you start to do things that would confirm that, right? You hurt people's hearts. You use, you do whatever. You manifest your own reality. And then you're like, fuck, I'm right, you know?

I'm a beach shit. How dark does it get? All the way to the end, right off the bridge. That's what it happens. And that's what happened to me. Led me down a road that basically on a beach with a gun on my hand, ready to end it. Wow. Thank God it didn't.

And do you remember, can you? But all of the right dialogue was there. Okay. Your kids are going to be better off without you. Okay. Right? You're the one holding them back. So you had babies already at this point?

Yeah, I did. Because I have two older ones as well. So I have four kids now. Beautiful. 23, 19, five, and a two-month-old. Fine. It's fine. It's all fine.

We're fine. Everybody, we're so fucking good. Can't even deal. And so take me back to that moment just for a quick say. Yeah. What do you think you, I mean, I'm going to give you a little bit of this answer because I think I know there were some seats planted in there with, if I can even take you back to the beginning of the church days or those first jobs that I think we really underestimate that those in those darkest moments, it is those seeds of those humans in those relationships that almost have the capacity to slow down that final step. Would you agree? Yeah, I do because there's this quiet voice, and you might not even hear it, but it's still in your head that there's someone who cares about you and someone who believes in you, even if you don't.

Yeah, yeah. So if you can't do it for you, even in this moment, if you could do it for them to hang on to that until you can get back to do it for you. Yeah, it's a lie. You know, you can call it. It depends on where you believe and what your faith is. you know, there's this inner dialogue, this inner bitch, this inner critic.

You can call it the devil. You can call it whatever you want, but it exists. It's real. Right? And it starts off as a really innocent voice and it doesn't seem like it's that bad. It's the one that says, ah, you don't have to,

you can live a little. You deserve, you worked hard this week. You can have that one drink. You can have that. You can slip on your diet a lot. You don't have to go do that workout. You don't have to do that cold shower. You earned it. You know what I mean? Yeah. But down the road, a year or that, a year later, that same voice is the one saying, as it was telling me, and a lot of people, a lot of people will resonate with this. It's like, you're the one holding everybody back. Your wife will find somebody more suited.

Your kids will find somebody more suited to be a dad to them. Like, you're just, you're just in the way. Yeah. Same voice. But it doesn't start that way. It starts very innocent and very small. Oh, if it started so big, you could be like, okay, this is fucking ridiculous. No, thank you. That's crazy.

What are you talking about? Right. But you just normalize those little shifts. And I think the reverse engineer to that, to your point, is that like, it's like, okay, let's really start to slow that down a little bit. Yeah. Is this true? Can we change that narrative?

And that started to happen for you. It did. And I didn't know. But I had to get educated on it. So, like, I do truly believe that you have this inter-critic and you have an inner-advocate, and you can call it light and dark. Okay. You have that person that's like, fuck, yeah, Nick, you've got this, right?

Yeah. But the people that achieve great things, that voice is louder. Okay. They feed that voice more than the critic one, right? Yeah. We do that through a lot of different means, but it's what voice are you, you know, what dog are you feeding? What wolf are you feeding? Yeah.

You're going to feed one of them. Which one's going to serve you? which one's going to serve you more? And even just being conscious of that, that there are, too, that dichotomy is so well known in the world of psychology, right? You're going to have that. I mean, this goes back multiple years. And just even giving you...

Well, there's cartoons about it with kids with the little angel and the devil on the shoulder. It's been there forever. And so when you just become conscious of that in your own mind, and as I hear you say, you know, you just shift a little bit. Like, let's just take a chance on this. Why don't we give the good guy? why don't we give that side of you that could potentially have some belief in you as a human? Let's just give them a little air time.

So what? I mean, you can go back to the other guy if you want. But let's just give them some air time. And you started to do that a little more. Do you think that was the turning point? It wasn't a turning point. So for me, it wasn't very so drastic. It's a bit of an evolution.

It was an evolution. So I'm down there on the beach basically and it came down to it. And now, now, you know, through working with neurologists and, you know, not working with having friends that are neurologists and being more into the psychological world and in this space, I'm down on the beach. I'm barefoot in the sand. I'm listening to the ocean, right? So now all of a sudden, yep, what's happening? I'm becoming more centered. My frequency is starting to realign, right?

the frequency of the ocean waves is starting to rely there's actually a frequency in the ocean waves that calms people right my feet are grounded in the sand right so my frequency is starting i'm starting to down regulate as this is going on as i'm worked up right i just so happy he goes and what's funny is i was talking to a neurolog a doctor a neurologist and he goes honestly nick he goes if you would have went anywhere else if you would have went to a parking lot if you would have went to you know your basement anywhere Anywhere else other than what you did, you might have taken your own life. He said, it just so happened. And the reason why that I went down there was because there was nothing down there and the mess would be easy to clean out.

That was my thought process, right? It's a sand, whatever, shoveled me off, done, clean, you know, it's no big deal. He goes, but the fact that you chose that, he goes, and I believe you probably chose it because subconsciously you'd like found that as your peaceful place because I like the beach. I like the water. right and but he goes that that probably saved your life because that I forgot what it's called the frequency of sound and then the being the being grounded like actually grounded barefoot he regulated your neurophysiology absolutely I'll love that came together and he goes that right there saved your life now I knew that and then and what's interesting is when I started to

down regulate and I started to have clear visions. I started to like have pictures of my kids and like there was a positive thing starting to sleep in. And that's when I was like, okay, something has to change. Something's broken and something's got to get fixed. I didn't know what that was. I had no tools, but I had made the decision that, okay, I need to look into this and I got to start working on this because there's a problem. There's obviously a huge freaking problem here if this is where I'm ended up. So of course that night I didn't have any solution. So I just hit the bottle again, right? I'm going to sleep. I'm going to hit the bottle. But that was the start. That was the pivoting, the pivotal moment of the transition for myself. I love that that it's like, okay, we get there,

but it's a bit of an evolution. It's often not a light switch. Okay. So like if you've come close to this before, let's just know that it is the desire to reach out. I've tried therapy once. I've tried that. Like, know that it doesn't quite go like that. And I love this story. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a, it's not a, it's not a fix all. You have. have to macro dose these things, right? You have to macrodose your therapy. You have to macrodose your, you know, you might be, you might go to an event. This is why people like go to events.

Like you go to an event and you feel all energized and inspired. But in three months later, you're like, oh, what the heck? It's because you're not, you have to, it's a continuous thing. It's not a one time fix all. Yeah. Right. It's not an end game. It's not an end game.

Like this is a, this is, the goal post gets constantly moved. So you have to continuously move forward with it. And you're constantly learning. getting better and constantly getting linking up and going to these these events and these community things like that's why it always does like there's not one thing like you cannot isolate if you isolate you are dead man oh I love that and so and then help me understand how you then sort of like what sort of continued to fall into place that allowed you to sort of be where you are author speaker PhD candidate like which wizard of Oz man I got on the yellow brick road

Here magic. I got on the Yellow Brook Road and everybody asked me all the time, like, why did you find these, how did these mentors find you? How did you find them? I'm like, I went forward. You're not going to find them sitting on your couch watching Netflix. Like I went on, I got on when I, that, when that happened, that's what put me on this path of personal growth and development and success.

So I was like, I don't know what to do. but I know I'm going to go forward. Okay. And what I would argue a little bit, if I slowed this down for you and you tell me if I'm wrong, what I think is pivotal in this moment is not, is looking for healthy people. Okay. So I think that we can sometimes then get caught up in somebody who is like the success and they did it all and this guy's a fucking, he's so cool.

This is a guy that I want to be. What I think is pivotal that we kind of don't isolate is that you get lucky enough, blessed enough. I think you orchestrate enough that you know who. who you need to be around that makes you feel regulated. Your network, 100%. So what you felt on that beach is almost who you're looking for in a human. When you want to rebuild and get back into the safety of creating the next success in your life,

see, many people come to me when they're highly successful. Okay? So they have lots of money. They've done all the things, but they feel so empty. They don't understand. Why is this not enough? Or they... Because that's not what it means.

But again, so many of us, right? And particularly in this high achieving world of men and success, we're often like, this is how you attribute well-being. And I think about that in my own father. I think about that. And, you know, but like, it's like, I want you to think about where you feel safest, not the one-hit wonder, where it's like the prettiest girl at the party or it's a good shot of, you know, whatever whiskey.

Where does your nervous system feel the best? Right. And it's often, who is that with? What is that with? And I want you to align yourself with those humans a little bit more often. that is the slow evolution of getting your body back into a place where you can align with the things that are the greatest about you. Nick has always been an amazing human being. That little boy was a fighter.

That little boy knew how to align himself with the things that were going to keep him safe. Now, when he was 11, it was the highest functioning drug gang in the local area. So that's what he needed to do to stay alive in those moments. And now to be the best dad and the best human and the best partner, I need to align myself with the people who are the most regulated. And I think it's such a feeling. Can you just, would you agree with that? And how did you get to know that, do you think? I don't think that I knew that.

I think that I need, I know that I need to move forward and that I, you know, somebody really great said, I usually get to where I'm going by leaving where I'm at. Do you know who said that? Ooh, I don't. Winnie the Pooh. Smartest human. I mean, non-human. Yeah.

Yeah. But I knew that where I was and the things. things that I was dealing with right now was not fixing anything. So I needed to move, I needed to walk the path. And by walking the path, you know, if you look at, you know, Wizard of Oz, which I just went to Wizard of Oz at the sphere in Vegas. Did you? Oh my God. Lou your mind. I took my five-year-old and my wife. The whole family went, but the baby is obviously doesn't know anything. He was just really eyes wide. But it was intense. But anyways, I, you know, I talked to my son about that. I said, you know, the 10 man, the scarecrow of the line didn't come to Dorothy. Dorothy walked

the other big path and found these people, found their team, found her people along the way as she was moving forward. And she said, hey, I'm doing this. Do you want to come along with me? And they helped her, right? They helped her fight the evil witch and the monkeys and the escape from the, escape from the castle, right? She found her tribe by moving forward. They didn't come to her. And I think so many people are waiting for these people to come to them and they don't they're not going to come to you you have to move forward you have to have the intestinal fortitude and strength to move to put that step that first step forward to get out there and as you're walking your path you will be if you're doing the right thing like you said you're aligned with the right mentality they the right people will come into your life

and and that is exponentially that will change everything yeah there's so much good in all of us And listen, I mean, I talk about this all the time. I've assassinated a thousand people in this country. And not one time have I met a bad one. And I've been in prisons and I've had people have their babies apprehended and I've watched, you know, all kinds of things that you can imagine. People. But I've never met a bad one. And if you're listening to this, I want you to believe that to be true.

Even if you just believe my words and you don't believe it in your own body. But if you get back to the best parts of you, it really is in that space. That's where you make some choices about who to align yourself with, where you invest a little bit more. And when you do a little bit more of that, I think it's the next best right kind thing. Because I'm doing it all in one's, I mean, it feels so overwhelming. And we do in this world and as a man and as a woman, I fucked up so many times. Okay. Come on back to me.

And I think it's like that next best right kind thing that allows us to move forward. Everybody has these relationships or these interactions. And this is how you know. you ever had an interaction with somebody and you get done with the interaction, you're like, oh my God, I need a nap. Yeah. Right? Like, I've just, that was exhausting.

Yeah. And then you have conversations with people. You get interactions with people that you're like, oh my God, I can take on the fucking world after that this conversation. Yeah. Those are the people that you need to align yourself with. Yeah. Those are people need to be around more. Find those people.

And not only that, what type of person are you? I don't know about you, but I want to be the type of person that when they get done with a conversation with me, that they're like, I am going to go take on the freaking world. Yeah. That's the kind of energy that I want to pour into other people. Yeah, be that guy. And I think what's so critical is that, you know, you have to do that for you first before you can do it for anybody else. And so many of us in giving professions or when we've served or, you know, attempted to help other people, we forget that as we go, you can't do that forever. It's really quite doable when you're young.

You know, you kind of feel like magical and you can put out fires all day long until one day you can't. And that's often that chapter where it's like if I'm going to continue to do the holiest work on the planet, I have to be the number one. If I'm going to be the best mom, if I am going to make my marriage sustainable, if I'm going to be able to grow this company that I can't, that I think is going to change the world. I'm going to be the most successful woman on the planet. I'm going to, you know, all those things. I will do that best. and this is this is going to sound so selfish in the way that many of us have been raised, but you need to be first.

And what I mean by that is your nervous system needs to be first. And so fueling that with the people, the things, the information, the things we put in our body, whatever that looks like, that gives you the best shot at that, man, that's why we're here for as long as we have, hey? That's right. Absolutely. And like I said, if you ever get in the room with somebody and you're like, you're in a room and there's a pile of trash and it stinks, right? Don't leave it there. Take the trash out.

Like those, the people that are in your life that are energy vampires that are just like trash sitting in the corner. It is okay and it doesn't have to be mean. You don't have to be personal, but you don't have to align yourself with them. You don't have to let them steal your energy. Yeah, and trust it. Even if they've been there forever, just trust it. Right? Yeah. It's like, you know, where do I fill myself a little bit more filled up and healthy and well? Healthy boundaries. I'll pour into that all day long.

Boundaries. You're a goddamn gym. Okay. Now, listen, I am going to add, I mean, this was been fantastic. Can you, can you sum it up for me in terms of in these 43 years that you've lived 100,000 lives? What is the one thing heaviest on your heart today that you think anybody listening? might need to know. That people love you, that you're very important to someone, and that you are, you owe it to them

to become the very best version of yourself by any means necessary. And that means like giving up the addictions, the shadow behaviors, the dirty little secrets, all of that stuff that's keeping you chained to the version that you are today, that just know that, you know, I believe and that God has created you for a great purpose, every single one of us. And then you owe it to yourself and the people that love you to become that person by any means necessary. Okay, listen. Amazing.

You're amazing. I'm so honored that I got your time today, that this community gets to know you. I'm going to link everything for your team about where you can find Nick. his book, a retreat that's coming up for him, that he sets up retreats from him. The next one's in Hawaii. Horrible, right? Oh, it's terrible. That sometimes we just need a safe place to land.

And so check out everything that you need there. And in the meantime, thank you. Thank you, Nick. Thank you, Doctor. It was such an honor. And listen, take care of yourself, take care of each other. And as always, I cannot wait to meet you right back here again next time. You know, the more we do this, people ask, why do you have to do the acknowledgement and every episode?

I got to tell you, I've never been more grateful for being able to raise my babies on the land where so much sacrifice was made. And I think what's really critical in this process is that the ask is just that we don't forget. So the importance of saying these words at the beginning of every episode will always be of utmost importance. and this team. So everything that we created here today for you happened on Treaty 7 land, which is now known as the center part of the province of Alberta. It is home of the Blackfoot Confederacy, which is made up of the Sikika, the Kainai, the Pekina, First Nation, the Stony Dakota First Nation, and the Métis Nation Region 3. Our job, our job as humans, is to simply acknowledge each other. That's how we do better, be better, and stay connected.

to the good. The Unlonelly podcast is produced by three incredible humans, Brian Seaver, Taylor McGilvery, and Jeremy Saunders, all of Snack Lab productions. Our executive producer, my favorite human on this planet, is Marty Pillar. Soundtracks were created by Donovan Morgan, Unlonely branded artwork created by Elliot Cuss,

our big PR shooters, our Desvino and Br. Barry Cohen. Our digital marketing manager is the amazing Shana Hadden. Our 007 secret agent from the Talent Bureau is Jeff Lowness. And emotional support is provided by Asher Grant, Evan Grant, and Olivia Grant. Go live. I am a registered clinical psychologist in Alberta, Canada.

The content created and produced in this show is not intended as specific therapeutic advice. The intention of this podcast is to provide information, resources, education, and the one thing I think we all need the most, a safe place to land in this lonely world. We're all so glad you're here.