Unlonely with Dr. Jody Carrington - Your Kid Has Probably Seen Porn… and Other Things No One Told You to Say Out Loud - Dr. Robyn Silverman

Episode Date: December 11, 2025

Real talk, parents: if you’ve got a kid with access to a screen, odds are they’ve seen something they weren’t ready for. And guess what? That uncomfortable convo you’re avoiding? It’s exactly the one you need to have.In this no-BS episode, Dr. Robyn Silverman joins Dr. Jody to crack open the truth about modern parenting:Why “kids these days” aren’t broken — the world is just louder.Why YOU need to say words like “porn,” “vagina,” and even (gasp) “clitoris.”Why it’s never too late to start the conversation — even if you fumbled it the first time.And how “parenting out loud” changes everything.This one might make you laugh, squirm, and cry a little… but it will absolutely make you feel less alone.Follow Dr. Silverman here:https://www.instagram.com/drrobynsilverman/https://www.facebook.com/DrRobynSilvermanhttps://www.tiktok.com/@bigtalkswithkidshttps://www.youtube.com/drrobynsilverman Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, welcome back. Welcome in my sweet little unloanliers. I don't know where I came up with that, but this is a good term on loneliers. Hope you're feeling unloyalty today. Just drop your shoulders. This is this is a one for parents, grandparents, step parents, uh, anybody who is feeling like they want to connect to their kid and just feeling like they don't know what the fuck six, seven means. Um, are they watching porn? Uh, are you sending dick pics? I don't want to talk about it. Have you considered suicide? I don't want to have any of those conversations because I might make you do those things. This one's for you. We are in a generation of parents, I think, right now that would like not only, I mean, I think every generation doesn't have a script for this. This time,

we have never had this much access to opinions. So although this is new in the social system, the economic climate, even the political climate, we've never had this much access to unauthorized opinions. And so what I really wanted to do when I met with Robin, Dr. Silverman, who you're going to meet today, I really wanted to dive deep into sort of some practical conversations about how do we start to sort of connect to our kids about these hard things. So she's known as the conversation doc, which is why I fell in love with her. So Dr. Robin Silverman is a child and teen development specialist and host of a popular podcast called How to Talk to Kids about anything. And she is the book. She's the author of the book of the same name. So I was on her

podcast. We did a fun episode and I fell in love with her. She's the co-founder of the powerful words character system, which gives educators the talking points they need to help children become kind, responsible citizens in the world. And then just came up with this kid-versation cards that are just on sale now for parents, sort of a deck of cards that can kind of initiate some of these hard conversations if we don't know where to start. Which you need to know about Dr. Robin is she's been on the Today Show. Good Morning America, CBS, early show, and Nightline, and has been quoted in The New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, CNN.com, and many other publications. I really just want to bring credible sources to you in this season because there's so

much noise out there. And she's one of the good ones. Lives with her husband, two kids, and a rescue dog in North Carolina. And I cannot wait for you to listen to this great conversation. Enjoy. Okay, Dr. Robin Silverman, we, I have all of this brilliant conversation doc stuff on the questions. And the number one I want to start with is, what do we do with kids these days? Are they a problem? Where's our hope for the children? Give me the take on what you. your perspective is because you have so much brilliance. Thank you. That's very thoughtful. I mean,

as a parent, there are days when I think, what the heck is the matter with these kids? I mean, that's just the honest truth, of course. But as a child development specialist, I step back and I realize that it's not the kids. It's the fact that sometimes we're just disconnected. And I think that's one of the biggest problems that we have these days. We're distracted and we're disconnected. we don't know how to get into conversations that we must have, so then we don't have them. Or we try to convince ourselves that we don't have to have these conversations. We can wait and wait and wait until time goes by and we realize we should have had the conversation already.

So that's an easy fix, actually. The disconnection is the problem. That means the easy fix is connection and conversation. Oh, gosh. Okay. And that's about as complex as it comes. You have kids these days changed? People ask me a lot. You know, when I speak to teachers, parents, you know, all of the, the opportunities I get to sit in the room with big people.

There's this big sense that kids these days are different. Do you think that's true? I think the situation's different. My son likes to tell me all the time, it's not the 1980s anymore, mom. And it's true. It's not. The reason why disconnection is such a big problem and conversation is lapsed is because kids have vehicles like their phone and their computer. And there's a whole world in there that is exciting and takes their attention. And let's be frank, it happens to parents and educators as well. We decompress by looking at screens as well. So because of that, the situation is different. Therefore, kids are engaging in those kinds of activities instead of activities that we remember being outside, getting into nature, like, let's get dirty, let's get

talking. Even colleges are different these days because people are looking down rather than having the discourse that we used to have. So the only way to attend to that issue is to actually be fully vigilant and get into the conversations and making sure that at dinner time, you know, at X point of the day, we're having these conversations, we're connecting and we're finding out what's going on with our kids. Kids aren't different because they were made different. They're different because the situation is different. And some of that we do have control over. Oh, man. Let's slow that down just a minute. Kids are not different. The situation is different. And so the ability then for kids to develop in a way that we know that trajectory to be typically,

that's what's been disrupted slightly, would you say? Because the capacity to learn how to say thank you and please and apologize and have empathy and kindness, kids are not born with that. Is that true? Born with it, but we are empathetic creatures and people want to connect. And when they do, those values come out. So, yes, do we need to teach them formally how to apologize to somebody and take accountability? Absolutely. Will it make sense to them in the same way that it made sense to us in the 1980s?

Yes, it will. Because kids have that capacity. We need to make sure that we are setting the intention to do these things, to have these conversations and to have them early because I think what happens is we wait and wait and wait and then our 12-year-old, our 14-year-old, is slamming the door and not saying thank you and walking, you know, walking away and saying disrespectful things. And we need to lay that groundwork. Now that doesn't mean like somebody who has a 13, 14, 15-year-old, I do. I have a 15-year-old and 16-year-old. It's not like you're sorry, you're at a luck now. I mean, there's no time that

you should start but now. So I think that's the key is we got to get into a it now and not give up and say, you know, my kids are lost cause because how can I fight with this grand scheme of so much video games, so many, you know, phone calls and FaceTime and we can do it. We can set aside the time. Yeah. And what I hear you saying is it's probably more important now than ever. Like if I think about, I often take a look at the data, you know, proximity, the access that our parents had to us, just by way of proximity. has changed dramatically. You know, I often ask this, you know, what was this square footage of the house that your grandfather was raised in? Yes. And the square footage of the house in which we

raise our babies. Okay. So it's like we've also never had this much noise. And I, and I love this conversation about kids, but I got to tell you more and more around here, I have much more conversations with parents because if the big people aren't okay, the little people don't stand a chance. So we can't expect them to learn it if we're not in a place to teach it. And gosh, darn it, we're not in a place to teach it. I think we're having some major struggles. Yeah, what are you seeing in parents these days? You know, like, I mean, on a political landscape, on a social landscape, you know,

what are we as parents up against that we should be talking a little bit more about, do you think? I mean, here you are with this, you know, big sign over your head saying unloanly. And I do believe that people are lonely in a way that needs to be addressed. What kind of communities are our parents? in what kind of communities are our kids in we have to be yes showcasing what that looks like but it also means it gets a little uncomfortable and that's just the truth of the matter it's uncomfortable to put ourselves in new situations it's uncomfortable to join new communities to go to a new gym to oh i used to be a performer let me go to the community theater let me you know pick up guitar again and join a

whatever it is that you did, a run club, it's challenging to do these things. And we're very used to that feeling as parents to, that we might not feel connected to other parents. This one's much younger than me. This one's, her kids are perfect. They're not. But that's what we're thinking. So it becomes difficult. We have to get out of our comfort zone and get connected with other communities. And sometimes that means, you know, grabbing a friend, possibly a spouse, my husband and I go to the same gym. We love our community. Our gyms shut down recently. That was such a blow. And then we had to go to a new one. So we really did just experience it. And it turned out a lot of the same people showed up there and we have a beautiful community again. You got to make it happen.

You got to put yourself out there. You've got to ask, hey, do you want to go out? Do you want to get together and do some kind of food trade. Oh, you know, what recipe do you have? We have to get into the habit of pushing ourselves out there if we want our kids to push themselves out there. Ah. So you can't really tell them how to do it. You have to show them. Both. Okay. I'm a both person. Yeah. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about that. Yeah. So I think that that is the thought, right? I go to the gym, therefore my kid will exercise. It doesn't work that way. Because it's uncomfortable. If it wasn't uncomfortable, then that's an easy one, right? I use my phone, therefore my kid will use their phone. That's easy. That's going to happen because that's

fun and mindless. But when it's challenging, you're promoting. Yeah. Okay. When it's challenging and you've got it now, we're putting ourselves out there, then it's a conversation. It's, oh, you know, I really've been feeling a little lonely lately. And so I, I, I, realized these people at the gym were really, you know, kind. And so I decided to put myself out there and ask them, do you want to get together one morning and have breakfast before we go to the gym or after we go to the gym? And you tell them this. And I was really uncomfortable about it, but you know what happened? They actually said yes. Not all of them, but a couple of them said yes, and we're getting together next Tuesday. That part is helpful as well. So this is what I call

parenting out loud. You make a mistake and you say, oh, I made this mistake. I didn't take them up on this offer and now I'm regretting it. And so next time I'm going to do this. Or here's what I did. It was uncomfortable, but I did it and this is the reward I got. Because when you start to parent out loud, then they're hearing what's going on in your brain. And then they can do the same thing. They can say, oh, well, if my parents can do it, then maybe I can do it. And you can even go further and ask. So can you tell me who you might ask? Tell me who you might be interested in asking to go on a play date with?

Or can you tell me who might be somebody you can sit with at school? All of those things are ways to start exercising without putting themselves at risk first off. Got it. And I like that idea of parenting out loud because I think we make a lot of assumptions, you know, in a world where like, and let's pair this current landscape with why that becomes even more important now. If I had more proximity. So it's estimated, I love this, this figure. I say it all the time around here, that our great grandparents looked at their children 72% more of the time than we look at our babies today. And so what we missed in some of that is like modeling, mirroring, you know, just sort of picking up that this is, oh, this is how mom talks

to her best friend. Oh, this is how I know when dad is like done with the conversation. It doesn't want to spend time with that guy who just said shitty things. And now it's almost a little bit more important to talk through those things. You know, when I saw this person yesterday, honey, you know, I thought about this. Or like, you know, when this mom was talking about this kid was taking dick picks and putting it up, here's what happened. You know, like, and I think it's like, as you said, some of those conversations are uncomfortable that we don't have a script for. Nobody was taking pictures of their penis when I was in high school, like that I knew of. Oh, my gosh, right? But it's like we don't have a scriptboard.

And if they were, you didn't see it. Yeah. And yeah, right. And also here, P.S., it's not, they're not photogenic. So, like, if we just need to talk about that with anybody, like, let's just say that. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody. Nobody.

Okay? Nobody. But the idea, I think I really love that idea of sort of like, it sounds maybe even a bit silly when we're talking things out. But, like, I can give you, like, a couple of examples of that, even just this week. And where, like, we were on the car ride home on the way from hockey or we have a hot tub that we just like this was a big purchase for our family so like we're in Canada so things are cold and uh you know a couple of our kids play hockey and so like that's the thing when we're

quiet it's very hard to have a phone in a hot tub I get so many things did you notice what was happening today or you know what somebody's mom told me about you um I tell me a little bit more Robin about the benefits of that and like how maybe that is supposed to feel uncomfortable because we we didn't really have that script because we didn't have to do that necessarily with our parents is that true? Yes, I agree with that. I think we could have benefited from it. Don't get me wrong. I think we could have, but we were very independent in our generation and that's just, you know, how we were parenting and parented in a lot of ways. And now things have become a bit different because we're learned so much about the news that we've gotten a little nervous and then sometimes parent too

much, right? But in this case, when we're parenting out loud and we're talking through our mistakes, which, I mean, that really was not the landscape that I grew up with. Our parents did not really talk about their mistakes. But when we do that, our kids realize we're not perfect. We've never tried to be perfect. We're not perfect. And they don't have to be perfect either. they learn that mom and dad don't have this all covered. It doesn't mean that when they do this thing, even though they've been on the earth for much longer than me, that they're comfortable doing it.

And that nothing is off limits, right? Like, my kids say things to me that, wow, I never would have in a million years said to my parents, at the dinner table with no thought, just out with. it if somebody sent them a dick pick I'd know about it not because like oh they're worried about getting in trouble they'd just be like do you know what happened to me today yeah or do you know what happened to this girl yeah and you know they're more involved with social justice they have more

opinions about more global things because they are exposed to more of it that is again the situation they're in not because they are different but the situation is different yeah so then yes it rubs off on them. And the conversation can be that different. And I think that's a great thing. Part of your work that I really, really love is sort of the idea about how you talk to kids about tough things really dictates and almost gives them permission, a model, you know, and how they're supposed to talk about things like, I mean, and give me some examples of this, you know, around grief, injustice, identity, like all of those like big things that I'm I think, you know, using feeling words, I think about, you know, whenever I say to my kids

something like, I felt so lonely, you know, at the end of that talk when nobody came up to me or like, I really think that I let your grandpa down because when I did his eulogy, I couldn't finish it because I cried through it. You know, like, and I see their little hearts trying to make sense of those things, but it's like I didn't, I don't remember ever having those tight conversations with my parents because they didn't want to upset me. They didn't, that wasn't for kids to talk about, right? and we've really got to change that narrative a little bit only mostly I think because we have less and less access to our kids and they have more and more access to things that their prefrontal cortex isn't ready to make sense of so we need to give them those

opportunities asking those directs questions you know have you ever seen porn do people look at that like in your world like you know is that that's wholly six seven mom like okay whoa whoa wait like let's you know so asking some of those direct things I think people get scared that they're going to promote that. Is that true? That they're going to then, you know, their kids are going to be looking at porn and looking up guns. Like, is there a data around that that you can share with us? There is. There is data. Whether it's about sex or drugs or alcohol or any of the things that we are now worried about. Rock and roll. I'd be fine with. Yeah, exactly. Please, Jesus, bring back Elvis. That was all we were worried about. Yeah.

But with kids who are exposed when we're talking to them about suicide, about sex, about porn, it is less likely for them to then get into those things, do those things than if we don't talk to them about it. We are their safe place. Young people do not feel that they have at least three people to turn to in a time of need or challenge. we must step up and be one of those three. By doing so, they get the correct information, the trusted information from the trusted source, and we don't have to worry that they're getting the wrong information from somebody who really doesn't care about them. Yeah. So when it's at my house, I just say it outright. I'd rather you come to me, tell me the truth. You'll never get in in trouble for telling me the truth because I want to be able to help you and give you access to the right information. And sometimes it can be, again, uncomfortable. And what I would do,

like, let's say, the porn situation, I one day, when I was writing my book, how to talk to kids about anything, I made sure that anything that I talked about in the book, I've had those conversations. That's only fair. I'm not telling somebody else to have these conversations if I haven't had them myself. So I made chicken parmesan that night and I came over to the table and I put it down and I said, you know, the research says that 95% of kids by the age of 11 have seen porn, have you? I literally just got it right out of my face. With a side of chicken farm. Right, with a side of chicken parm. Now, my husband, he's so humored by all of this because, of course, this wasn't in his experience growing up either.

So he just, like, moved his seat closer to the table and put his elbows on the table. He was like, I can't wait to see this. At the time, my kids were 11 and 12, so right in the mix. Yeah. So my daughter looked at me and she said, can we talk about anything else but this? And my son said, actually, yes, I did. I was typing something to Google, something popped up. And as soon as it did, it was like naked people, I exed out of it right away and I slammed my computer down and I didn't tell you because I thought I'd get in trouble.

So that tells me something, right? That tells me, yes, he's seen it. And also, I haven't said to them, if you ever see any of this, I want you to come and tell me because I don't want you to think you're ever going to get in trouble for that. So he actually asked me, so what should I have done? I said, you do. did a great thing. You exed out of it and you didn't look at it. Here's the thing. When you look at porn, it actually alters your brain. And I don't want your brain altered and make it so you have a hard time having relationships later on. This is what happens. And I just tell them outright. And I script this out in my book. My daughter said, okay, yes, I was with the neighbor, you know, something popped up. We slammed down the computer and ran from it. And we didn't open up again for the rest of the day and I didn't tell you because I thought I'd get in trouble.

So then I needed to say, listen, dad and I strongly feel that you will never get in trouble if you have questions to ask. If something happens that you weren't expecting, I want you to come to me because this is important. We want to figure out what happened so that it doesn't happen again, but we also want to talk to you about it. You're not in trouble, but here's how it can be harmful. I think that's an opportunity. Oh, amen. Do you have any of the numbers, like, because what I would say to any parent listening right now, like, if you have a kid who has a device, if you have a kid who has access to a device, which means if they're at any of their friends' house, if they're at school, if they're outside of your physical, like, do not be

naive because I hear so many parents say, oh, my kid would never. Oh, my kid would never. Okay, listen, I thought so too. And, you know, when we started having these conversations about like this, we have hockey tryouts up here in Canada right now. And, you know, I just said to our son, you know, I heard last year in the dressing room with the U-11 tryouts that like some of the kids were watching porn. He's like, yeah, mom, that's right. And I was like, okay, babe, two things. Like, you didn't tell me, which I appreciate that this might be hard sometimes, but first

of all, you can do that anytime. And tell me what they saw. Tell me what they were talking about. Oh, I don't want to do that. I don't want to be embarrassed about that. And I'm like, I know, honey. And here's part of the deal, right? Is that your brain isn't into a place to see things like that just yet.

And we can't, there's not a lot of control that I have. dad has over, you know, what you have access to, but I want you to know you'll see it. I want you to know you'll hear it. I want you to know you're going to hear about it. And here's where we talk about it. And if it's not me, if it's not dad, if that's too embarrassing, you know you got Ms. Meg. You know you have Auntie Joan. You know you have Uncle Kurt. Like let's let's be clear that like our best friend's mom group in this village of having conversations probably need to me the most important considerations right now about, you know, who is your trusted babysitter, who are the people that are sort of of the same age of your children that are in the, you know,

the mentor group or the, you know, the older sister group that can kind of be like plants in having some of these conversations because it is, it isn't about spying. It isn't about sort of like putting, I think, things into place, but it's, it's creating a village in a time where we need to be better at that than we ever have been before, would you say, Robin? And what are some tips around those stories because I know you have a million of them, you know, in these books, you know, in your book, you know, these kid conversation cards, too. I want to talk about those. So the one thing I would say, and I think I think you're spot on, is sometimes we have to get out of the way. This is not offensive if they don't want to talk to us about something

that feels uncomfortable. And that's when like your 25-year-old niece might be perfection. You know, you might not be, you know, you're in your 40s, your 50s, your 50s, your 60s, like, you might not be the optimal person for that person, your child to talk to about dating because they think you dated in like the olden days. The Stone ages, yes, yes, which may be true for some of us, yes. The 1900s of all places. And it was like a million years ago. The last century. So I agree with you. Yes, last century.

I mean, it makes it worse, doesn't it? let's not say so so that that I would underscore yes I love having a community the other the other side of the coin there is if you don't do this and you refuse to talk about the tough stuff that porn sex oh the 13 they don't need to hear about that yet they do you know drugs they wouldn't have access to that they do so we do need to get talking about it and when we talk about it early you know we start Really early. What does a three-year-old needs to know about sex? No, but do they know all their body parts? Can they call them by name? You know, do they know what's touchable and not touchable? Do they know who gets to touch this or not touch this? These are the conversations we start early that, you know, you don't just do head, shoulders, knees, and toes. You do vagina, penis, vulva. And if you can't talk about it yet, then say them in the mirror, say them to your spouse, say them to your best friend until they start to roll off the tongue. Please know that these words, I was horrified at first.

Like, do I really need to say these words to my children? We didn't grow up with it. We didn't. Yeah. I would, like, hide under my desk when I started interviewing people on how to talk to kids about sex on my podcast. I was like, I cannot believe I'm having this conversation. And why does she keep saying clitoris? And how does she say it so freely?

So there you are. See, you're laughing. And it is uncomfortable. It's so weird. Oh, my God. You say balls in a room of like when, I mean, you and I both speak. and sometimes like when I need to get like a room of like 50 year old white men laughing I'm like okay your balls I mean your eyeballs and they're like oh like it is this is this is still supposed to be

hard for us okay sex drugs and rock and roll are still which is why when we avoid it God the cost is so fucking great right now it's so high as people will say to me I don't want to talk to my kid about suicide because then they'll know that they can do it I'll put the idea in their head No, no, no, no, no. The landmark, the landmark study on this in 2005 said that the exact opposite. When we talk about suicide, that very tough topic, not method of how it was done, you know, if a celebrity, you know, what came out and it turned out that a celebrity died by suicide. But that it happened. And what does that mean that it is much less likely that a child will engage in that or attempt it.

And so it's protective, the more that we talk to our kids about it. It's very important that we get into all of these types of topics. And so one of my tips is you're going to be uncomfortable. So either take a breath and blame it on me or you or whatever. I heard on this podcast that we need to say this, hey, did you know 95% of kids by the age of 11 have seen porn, have you? Like, just repeat the words. It's very challenging. I know, but at least it's one sentence.

Get it out in the open. If you're worried about even being able to get that out, you can give it to, you know, your niece or to somebody else to say. And you can also practice with a friend or a family member until you get it out. And, you know, you're going to be laughing and uncomfortable and I don't want to say this. And you get it out because just keep repeating to yourself. It's my job as a parent to talk to my kids about tough topics. And I'm going to do it.

I'm not going to relinquish this job to the kids. on the back of the bus, some kid in gym class, or somebody on the internet who could care less about my kid or may have ill intentions. Yes. And I want to draw the parallels there too, because I think about this quite a bit. The amount of information kids have access to parallels the amount of information we as parents have access to. And I would say the vast majority is uneducated, inappropriate, nonsensical information that we're getting inundated with. So we often talk about kids these days and, you know, the anxious generation and, you know, access to cell phones.

I am really equally, if not more so, worried about parents' access to unfortunate information. You know, I think about, I have to say this, you know, as a young mom, our first son was born in 2010. I had access to one major opinion when I was hormonal and questioning everything about my capacity to raise this tiny human. And at the time, I had a PhD in child psychology, okay? And I never felt more incompetent in my life, all right? And so I would have access to my mother-in-law where I would have access to my mother-in-law where I'd be like, he's not on, I think he's got hydrocephalus.

He's not sleeping. I think he's, what is wrong with him? Maybe we miss something. Is there a syndrome here? Like what is going? And she's like, oh, for God's sake, Jody, just put some booze in his bottle. He'll be fine, you know? And I had one opinion where I could be like, hey, Laura, I kind of think things have changed.

Now, you think about this as a young mama. You have access to 48 million opinions in the middle of the night when you're breastfeeding or when your kid is having a, you know, a night terror at 13 years old. and still wetting the bed and you're on there Googling is this normal and you got like some fucking chicken cream

you know that's just finished her Pilates class that is like night tears are inappropriate and it means you got the you got the ADHD yeah or you're gonna yeah that's the pathway to schizophrenia

the child is psychotic holy Christ and they got the borderline and they got all the personality I'm just like so be very careful parents because what it does is two things Okay. It then turns us inward. We refuse to sort of go out and ask each other the questions

in very reputable spaces about, is this normal? Am I okay? Am I messing my kids up? It sort of increases the isolation of parenting. And we're infusing information that is just completely not only wrong, but harmful. So the accessibility to information and the correctness of information to very different things. And so in this overwhelmed lonely world, when we're scrolling at two in the morning, trying to figure out, like, does my daughter have an eating disorder? Oh, fuck. Like, you will get the answer yet, like, from like Christine, who one time was on an anorexic treatment program. Like, just be so careful. Like, don't you, does this not frustrate the fuck out of you sometimes? It really does. It really does. And, and so in the same

way that you are saying like you've got to build your community and you know it's it's amazing to have that you also are going to build your yes column of what you're going to listen to who you're going to listen to online you can actually develop that you do not need to listen to christine in fact you can mute christine you can unfollow christine please unfollow christine and you can put on only the people on your social media that you want to listen to, right? Those are the people who pop up or in the middle of the night at 2 a.m.

Here's what I'm giving my permission to listen to. I'm going to listen to this podcast. I'm going to listen to this, you know, scientist. Just these people. I'm not going to Google because Google means come one, come all. It's like you opened your house and said anybody who's anyone,

please come in. Unless you want anybody to come in, you get to pick your guest list. Pick your guest list wisely. Who is allowed in your head, in your home, and in the head of your kids. That's the question. Do it in advance. And make sure you're doing it when you're calm and you're not in need.

Do it when it's, you know, three in the afternoon and it's nap time and things are calm or your kids are at school and you have a down moment. and you're like, oh, okay, I trust this person when my head is sound. I trust this, you know, my sister who said, I can always call her at one in the morning when my kid is, you know, not keeping anything down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And ask her and let the trusted people be the ones in your house. I love that. Can you tell me a little bit about, you know, I want to just sort of switch it back to you for a

second because you come with just such this wealth of knowledge and your own childhood. It really shaped your mission. Can you tell me a little bit about that? Sure. So in fifth grade, I had a really ugly experience. Anybody who has been in a three-person friendship sandwich will already feel that. Yeah, me too. Fifth grade was just such a blow. I felt like I was gut punched every day. And I, you know, with three-person friendship sandwich, one piece of bread always get smushed and that was me. So when I went through that grade, I was ostracized. I was pushed out.

I was whispered out. I remember being alone on the black top while everybody else was up on the hill by the school, the, you know, pointing, laughing. And the aides who were out there supposed to be like watching us didn't say anything or do anything. They didn't know what to say, I'm sure, you know, in retrospect. When I went inside, you know, the teachers, knew what was going on, but they weren't trained in this. They didn't know what to say.

And in fact, sometimes did the opposite of what was really the good thing to do, not because they were malicious, but because they just didn't know. I was sent to the library. When everybody else was kept in the room, I was alone in the library as they talked to the class about me. And she asked the person who was the worst offender to come and get me from the library, who did not make me feel secure when we were walking in. and there is nothing that can make a child feel more insecure than having 20 pairs of eyes on them waiting for them to cry or mess up when you walk through that space my teacher said to me so you have the floor what do you want to say oh dear in grade five right and so you're in that

situation you're like what do i want to say like what do you want to say like i have got nothing here I'm flailing here. I'm miserable. I don't know what to do. I'd go home. I'd be crying. My mother would just be giving me tissue after tissue. She wanted to help but didn't know what to say.

And so that's where the book stemmed from. That's what my talks come from. How can we talk to kids about tough conversations? How can we rebuild connection and conversation so that we're not in this situation where kids feel so alone that they reach out to negative things so that they are trying to get the opinion about somebody who might not be a great person, might not have their best interest in mind. And it really did shape me. So as much as I really wish I didn't go through it and it certainly impacted the way that I look at friendships even today. Yeah. I would say that it happened because it needed to

Because we need to have these conversations. We need to get connected again. And I think, you know, to your point, I would imagine every one of us listening can go back viscerally to an experience in grade five or grade four. And if you, you know, if you layer that with marginalization in any capacity, if you layer that with, you know, immigrant status, if you layer that with like tons of things that, you know, as a white woman, I don't have any appreciation for. it is, there is multiple things that happen inside your body that you can, you know, I'll tell you this as a 50 year old woman, go back viscerally to. And it is like, I think one of the things that Dan Siegel sort of made it so clear for me about is you have to name it to tame it. And Robin, in your work, I think that this is sort of so critical because so many of us parents don't even know where to start. So we don't start. Not because we don't want to, not because we're not desperate to connect with our kids. And tell me a little.

bit about how you've facilitated some of those conversations, how you've sort of given a roadmap to parents because it's never, I've never met a bad one. I mean, I've assessed and treated over a thousand families in this country and not one time have I met a bad one. I've met a lot of people that feel like they're in equipped, particularly in this sort of social landscape, that they don't know where to start, that they don't want to mess up their kids. And so it just sort of becomes a fear-based sort of isolating experience where they're just like, I just hope somebody else gets this. Like maybe the teachers or maybe the hockey coach. or like, which is true, they're part of your village.

But what are some of the tips and tricks that you kind of developed for us parents to kind of get those conversations started? So your work is so important. I really appreciate what you're doing. The tips and scripts that I provide, I went one by one in my book. So each chapter represents a different topic, whether it's how to talk to kids about sex or how to talk to kids about diversity, how to talk to kids about grief and death, how to talk to kids about friendship and bullying. I have it all in there. So it's a roadmap to

how to talk to kids about these tough topics. I also write a curriculum called powerful words, which provides a word of the month for the schools and after school programs that utilize my program. And that will focus on respect or kindness or open-mindedness, discipline, all different powerful words, over 56 words. And then I recently just started something called Kidversation Cards. I'm so excited about it. It's at KidversationCards.com. And it provides a question on the front and very easy actions on the back to then facilitate that conversation, taking it from how to talk to kids about being brave. So how are you brave today to how we can actually go ahead and be brave? What is an action we can take? So that can you cook and start

so early with kids so that they know at the dinner table when waiting online, going to grandmas, when in the car, that you're having these conversations instead of whining or, you know, getting involved with my brother did this and did that and his hands are here or there. Or, you know, I'm going to have to be on a screen that part of this. That part of this, in three to five minutes can be an easy conversation with a kid version card, whether you do one per day or one per week or a couple per day, making it so that anybody can get into these conversations laying the groundwork for more challenging conversations. We move from how can I be brave? Then you can have the conversations about anxiety. You can get into emotional

regulation, which I do in these, even in these conversation cards. There's emotional regulation. There's coping skills. I'm giving just the little in that I go into detail in my book and how to talk to kids about anything in just a smaller way in the Kidversation cards. And I'll keep coming out with more and more tools like this. I even provide a startup guide for anybody who's doing the pre-sale for those cards because I want them to be able to start right away.

I really love that because I think, you know, it really reminds me. Esther Perel is one of my favorite psychologist in this sort of like relationship space. And she came out with a game for couples that I just thought was like, you know, when I first thought I was like, holy Christ, are we here? Like, do we have to get back to this like rudimentary level of like navigating conversation? And I was so hopeful that somebody legitimate would come up with really well researched questions for parents and kids because it is where we're at, not because we're dumb, not because we don't know our kids, not because, you know, we're questioning anything. In this very noisy world,

as we're trying to navigate relationships, whether it's in our marriage or in our, you know, as a grandparent, as a parent, as a step parent, it's very difficult to know, like, what am I supposed to ask? Could you just, can you just help me? Because I'm overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm sleep deprived. I'm fearful that I'm mess. my kids up. I'm fearful that I'm so tired. I don't even care anymore. And I just, I'm so grateful for your work, Robin, because it really provides that roadmap that if I'm questioning, should I do this? Should I be brave enough to have this conversation? Okay, how would I word it? I don't even know, so I'm not going to do it. The, this is just sort of a bit of a like here, give this a shot. And I promise

you, this is okay. This is certified. This is okay. Right. I just, and I love that so much. I love the pair with schools, too, because that's been really important in your work, right? Because teachers are spending more waking hours with our kids in the run of a school week than their primary caregivers do, right? It's a team. They are. They are. It is a team and we need to rely on one another so that in circle time, you're having these questions. In the after-school programs, you're talking about these values.

People think, oh, they have to be, these things should be discussed at home. Well, yeah, they can be discussed at home. home. But who are the superheroes in your children's lives? They're the coaches. They're the teachers. They're those young 20-somethings in their lives that are part of the school system, a staff member. Those are the cool people. And if they're talking about bravery or open-mindedness or thinking for yourself or positive mindset, all of the things that are in my book or on the cards. That's when they come home and they say, do you know what coach so-and-so said? Yes. I think I've been saying this for how long. It came from Coach so-and-so, and that's when it hit. We all need to be

talking about it. So give the cards for, you know, a gift. Give it for teacher appreciation. Give the cards to parents that are in need because it's not just you. Sure. It's you and you don't need to do this alone and you shouldn't have to. Amen, Dr. Silverman, listen, we did some good stuff here today. I'm so grateful for your work. And, of course, I'll put everything in the show notes so you can find where it is and where to from here. What do you think is the one thing parents really need to hear these days?

I think that parents need to hear that parenting typically provides the ultimate do-over. You are going to mess up. None of us are perfect. I certainly am not. I am sure Dr. Jody doesn't think that she is either. Oh, Jesus. And we are going to mess up. The key is you did it wrong, try again.

You can go back at any time. If your kid came to you and said, I heard that so-and-so was looking at porn and you go, you're too young at look at porn and you turn around and go the opposite direction, you're like so many other people. Or worse. Don't be disgusting. That's gross. Don't be disgusting. Right. Right. Yeah. That is, yeah, like that sort of shaming piece, which I mean, we usually say it because we're so scared. We don't want them to be exposed to those things. We really want to protect them. But I think, I think, you're welcome to say something about,

you can say, I find it to be, you know, I find it offensive, but I want to be able to talk about it with you. Like that, that frustrates me that you saw it, but I'm not mad at you. You can express how you feel without making them feel ashamed. But if you said something and you look and you just listen to this podcast and you went, oops, then just go back and say, two weeks ago you asked me about this, you know, or last night you said that. And I was so frustrated that I just shut down or I was so this or that. And you just say, can we start again? Oh, I love the ultimate do-over. And I, you know what I say to my kids all the time, Robin, is I'm like, did you know I'm new here? Like, did you know that I've never had 12-year-old?

twins. Did you know that I've never been the parent of a 15 year old boy? Do you know that? And I think isn't that just that it's the ultimate do-over. It is. The ultimate parenting provides that ultimate do-over. So if you found like you did it wrong or you wanted to do it differently or better, start now, start tonight. Do you do it again and blame it on us if you want. That's fine. And listen, and we're in your corner. You know, the two of us are raising kids just barely hanging on, not known if they're going to work out or we're going to work out or anybody's going to stay alive in this process. And so, I mean, I think that wherever you are listening to this today, I want you just to drop your shoulders, know that you have two people in your corner if you want

a place to land where you're wondering if it's going to be okay because I promise you, it will be. We're doing the best we can with what we got. So conversations with kids, anything that you need help with in that area, I'm going to connect you to Robin. I know she'd love you to be a part of her community too. And in the meantime, my friends, thank you, Robin. In the meantime, I can't wait to meet you right back here. Look after each other and I'm so glad. I'm so glad we got you today. You know, the more we do this, people ask, why do you have to do the acknowledgement and every episode? I got to tell you, I've never been more grateful for being able to raise my babies on a land where so much sacrifice was made.

And I think what's really critical in this process is that the ask is just that we don't forget. So the importance of saying these words at the beginning of every episode will always be of utmost importance to me and this team. So everything that we created here today for you happened on Treaty 7 land, which is now known as the center part of the province of Alberta. It is home of the Blackfoot Confederacy, which is made up of the Siksika, the Kainai, the Pekini, the Tatani, the Tat. Tina First Nation, the Stony Dakota First Nation, and the Métis Nation Region 3. Our job, our job as humans, is to simply acknowledge each other. That's how we do better, be better, and stay connected to the good. The Unlonely Podcast is produced by three,

incredible humans. Brian Siever, Taylor McGilvery, and Jeremy Saunders, all of SnackLab productions. Our executive producer, my favorite human on this planet, is Marty Pillar. Soundtracks were created by Donovan Morgan, Unlonely Branded artwork created by Elliot Cuss, our big PR shooters, our Desvino and Barry Cohen. Our digital marketing manager is the amazing Shana Haddon. Our 007 secret agent from the Talent Bureau is Jeff Lowness. And emotional support is provided by Asher Grant, Evan Grant, and Olivia Grant. Go live. I am a registered clinical psychologist in Alberta, Canada. The content created and produced in this show is not intended as specific therapeutic advice. The intention of this podcast is to provide information, resources, education. And the

One thing I think we all need the most. A safe place to land in this lonely world. We're all so glad you're here. Thank you.