Unsubscribe Podcast - 106 - New Butt Boofin' ft. Uncle Lazer

Starting point is 00:00:00 There you are, pushing your newborn baby in a stroller through the park. The first time out of the house in weeks. You have your Starbucks, then tea, because, you know, sleep deprivation. You meet your best friend, she asks you how it's going, you immediately begin to laugh. Then cry, then laugh-cry, that's totally normal, right? She smiles, you hug, there's no one else you'd rather share this with. You know, three and a half hours sleep is more than enough. Starbucks, it's never just coffee.

Starting point is 00:00:30 Hi, welcome to today's podcast. We are joined by Sir Uncle Laser. The laser? Sir Uncle. He likes to be called. We're now with... Is Batty, are you recording? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:00:47 They do that. Yeah. It helps. We got... Oh, and then I got a white claw. I got some vodka. Batty, can you pass the vodka? Oh, what a stud.

Starting point is 00:00:59 I'm going to use it first. Use it first. And the new... Dude. These things. But yeah yeah they're really good. That was too much vodka. Here we go dude. Now look who looks stupid.

Starting point is 00:01:15 That's me. That was too much vodka. Death saves. It's a good shirt. No it is a good shirt dude. It's loud. Put this here. I'm colorblind but is your uh your phone case fuchsia? No, it is a good shirt, dude. It's loud. Put this here.

Starting point is 00:01:28 I'm colorblind, but is your phone case fuchsia? I call it pink. Okay. I'm colorblind. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. No, you nailed it.

Starting point is 00:01:37 That's fuchsia. I think that's fuchsia. Like I said, I'm colorblind. I've been colorblind since I was a boy. Yeah. Yeah, did you just crack one early? No, I cracked that first form. Now we crack this. Ready?

Starting point is 00:01:47 Nice. Can you just crack that for me? Yeah, I'll crack it. Well, I'm not going to. You don't have to drink it. I'll drink that one. No, I'll drink the fuck out of it. What is that, Swirl?

Starting point is 00:01:56 I haven't seen these yet. Surf. Surf. Surf. Those are the good ones. I'm illiterate, too. Now I'm a colorblind. It's all right.

Starting point is 00:02:02 Yay! Say I do lie. on my colorblind. Sorry. It's racially ambiguous. And Patty, that guy's fucking ridiculous. We don't know. Best not to ask yourself why, but my friend,

Starting point is 00:02:18 you've arrived. Welcome to unsubscribe. This episode is sponsored by blue chew. Betty, how hard are you? Well, I'm not anymore. That makes one of us. Well, summer's right around the corner and Eli, I'm sure you want to bring the heat in the bedroom. I got heat in my pants right now. Well, now you can increase your performance in the bedroom and gain that extra confidence. Listen up, bluechew.com. Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra.

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Starting point is 00:03:44 With only a fraction of caffeine as a cup of coffee, Mud water is a coffee alternative with four adaptogenic mushrooms and a Yervadick herbs. With only a fraction of caffeine as a cup of coffee, you get energy without the jitters or the crash of coffee. Each ingredient was added for a purpose. Kakoa and chai for mood and a hit of caffeine. Lion's Mane to support focus. Cordyceps to help support physical performance. Chaga and Rashi to support your immune system. And cinnamon for antioxidants. Mud is Whole30 approved, 100% USDA organic,

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Starting point is 00:04:27 monthly to the Berkley Center for Science of Psychedelics as Mudwater believes the country is in a mental health epidemic and sees the psychedelics as a useful tool for individuals with depression PTSD anxiety and other mental health experiences go to mudwater.com slash unsubscribe

Starting point is 00:04:43 to support the show and use code unsubscribe for 15% off that's to mudwater.com slash unsubscribe to support the show and use code unsubscribe for 15% off. That's M U D W T R.com slash unsubscribe. The, uh, the claw crack is kind of like the, the introduction. The claw crack has just hit the floor.

Starting point is 00:04:58 Boy, how many things are you going to throw on the floor today? What the hell is happening? We just started. I haven't drank in a few days. At least the microphone's down there and picks that. Is that on? No, no, that was muted.

Starting point is 00:05:13 That'd pick that up great. Oh, I should have had the floor mic unmuted. The floor mic would have worked. The floor mic. The floor mic. Why don't you guys have a floor mic? Guys, we're trying something new. All right, what do we got here?

Starting point is 00:05:27 Citrus. Oh, my. It tastes like Sprite. I told you, bro. You want to try it? Yeah, let me get it. It tastes exactly like fucking Sprite. Holy fuck.

Starting point is 00:05:36 It's just like. That's Sprite. All right. Too much vodka and a little bit of Sprite. Yo, First Form knocked it out of the park with those ones. All right, real quick. I got to pick on you just a little bit there. Just like Yo, First Form knocked it out of the park with those ones. All right, real quick. I got to pick on you just a little bit there. Just like the tiniest amount.

Starting point is 00:05:48 What do you got? Us dudes, right? We're dudes, right? We're a bunch of fucking dudes. For sure. We will literally bury our faces in dirty ass. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:59 Without a second thought. Just right into it. Yeah. But motherfucker, I share a drink. We're like like hold on hold on no i don't want to touch it with my well no it's a i would it's every guy no it's every guy at the club it's like bro try this okay yeah no no i'll tear a stranger a new asshole but i mean it's like it's like it's like a respect like if

Starting point is 00:06:24 we're homies if there was the first time we, like, hung out, I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking tongue-fucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm getting down on it. Well, maybe not that. That's what I'm doing. You're like. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:06:35 When I drink. It's like a hummingbird. You're like, what is he doing? When my buddies hang out for me, he's like, hey, man, try it. I just deep-throat it. You know what I'm saying? I deep-throat the whole drink. But I'm not going to do that to my man right here.'s a tasty beverage he's soulless man we just look over

Starting point is 00:06:50 the tongue straw he's like this yeah just fucking you can keep that now the straw is mine oh my god a drink is all yours yeah the surf white cloth fuck no they're good they're real good they're like kind of like tangy yeah yeah do Oh my God. That drink is all yours. Yeah, the Surf White Claw fucks. No, they're good. They're real good. They're like tangy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just went with Lone Star.

Starting point is 00:07:10 I like it. Yeah, yeah. I'm a simple man, dude. So much vodka. Yeah, buddy. Well, you topped it off there, bud. Maybe you should knock it over and spill it on the floor and get a new one. Eli, can I hand you this real quick so you can spill it for me?

Starting point is 00:07:22 I have Mr. Butterfingers today. Welcome to the Unsubscribe Podcast. As always, you have your host Eli, DoubleTap, and myself, BattyStreams, and our very, very sexy, great hair. Look at those sunglasses. Uncle Laser. Sir Laser, I think we're calling him today. Are we going Sir Laser? Fuck it, man.

Starting point is 00:07:38 Wait, what do you like? Mr.? No, Sir Laser's fine. No one's ever called me Sir Laser. Mr. Uncle? I don't like Mr. Uncle. I give him that. Yeah, that is. That is a childhood trauma. Half our audience is crying. The feet are like,

Starting point is 00:07:51 Mr. Uncle? Mr. Uncle, stop. The closet's dark. Dude, how you doing? I'm good, man. I'm good. You flew in from fucking, wait, I got it.

Starting point is 00:08:03 Chisholm, go. Arizona. Yeah, Scottsdale. Yeah, wait, I got it. Tism, go. Arizona. Yeah, Scottsdale. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Back's like, why? I don't like that. I don't like the way your brain works.

Starting point is 00:08:13 It makes me uncomfortable. That's really what it comes down to. Do you have a tick like that where you can just go and remember shit? Certain stuff. Yeah. It's whatever I care for. Yeah. This tick is autism.

Starting point is 00:08:27 Also, I have the, if I don't care about stuff, I like cool and i just like oh no yeah yeah i'm saying when people make this conversation with me and i'm like what was your name again and i don't mean to be like that it's just i'm like that too but it's the alcohol usually for me alcohol makes me more like better understanding you know what i'm saying like if i'm i just wake up and you're talking to me, I don't know what you're telling me. I have no idea what you're telling me. My brain hurts. I'm over it. No, it's search stuff.

Starting point is 00:08:51 This pink eye is killing me. That's what happens when a girl is not in your face. It might be. We're circling back to eating ass. Look, we're going to figure it out. The search continues. I really haven't found what's causing it, but it's been there for a few days it does not feel good what were you doing scott stuff i had a comedy show out there at this place called almost famous and uh god that ain't that's fucking yeah that's a good

Starting point is 00:09:15 that's a good name but dude it was a badass little it was like a little cellar bar it was like underground i think we capped it at like 175 it could have held 250 but it would have been like sardine not tonight another but i would have been like sardines. Not to die. I don't really like it like that. And then their stage was big. They had a drum set on stage. Every time I'd tell a joke, I'd hit the fucking snare drum as hard as I could.

Starting point is 00:09:32 It was cool, man. It was a good time. But that place is... People hated it, no matter what the joke was. No, it didn't matter. At one point, I put the snare in the middle of the room. I just started playing drums for the show. This is what y'all paid for.

Starting point is 00:09:47 Dude, that place is a fucking... It's a haven for just handsome and attractive rich people. Oh, yeah. It's Scottsdale. I've never seen that many... I don't know the Scottsdale. It's the nice, rich, white people area of good-looking... They're all good-looking, too?

Starting point is 00:10:03 Dude, I didn't see one bad bad looking. I didn't see one fat person there. No because it's Scottsdale. I can't go to Scottsdale. It's like LA got all of the model people from Scottsdale and Austin got all the fucking homeless people. And dude the homeless people in Austin are getting fucking aggressive.

Starting point is 00:10:22 I had a guy with pit vipers come up to me the other day. He was like, you got some spare change, man? And he wanted to fight me. No, I wasn't. Caleb, are you okay? Reach out, buddy. You got some change?

Starting point is 00:10:34 Dude, it is. No. Caleb. Yeah, Caleb, get out of here, dude. No, I don't got any mayo. Like, what are you doing? But, dude, he wanted to fight me because I didn't have any spare change. He's like, I got Venmo and PayPal.

Starting point is 00:10:44 I go, dude, if you got Venmo and PayPal, you're not homeless. No, you're not. You're not homeless, dude. Like, get away from me. Yeah, they're going to aggressive. As he slides his pitpipers. Yeah. What the fuck did you say to me?

Starting point is 00:10:52 Yeah, dude. I'm not homeless. Pulls out his iPhone, starts recording you. Yeah. I'm not homeless. I'm going to get you, Ken. Bro. What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:11:01 It's so outlandish, bro. Homeless man, why do you have two million followers on Twitter? Yeah, what the fuck's going on right here, dude? Why do you have two million followers on Twitter? Yeah, what the fuck's going on right here, dude? Why do you have so much power? I don't remember what city it was in. It was a few years back. There was a viral video

Starting point is 00:11:11 of a chick pretending to be fucking homeless. She would drive her Mercedes a few parking lots away. And panhandle? And literally walk into the middle of the street and, you know,

Starting point is 00:11:19 she'd dishevel herself a little. And they got a recording of her walking back to her car with her fucking cardboard side and shit. Like, they would do like, that was like two years ago like during covid and shit they did like a study or like someone documented it like how much they made it they made like fucking six hundred dollars a day being out there dude like legitimately it was they're making a lot of money yeah driving a bmw's and shit yeah okay i'm sure some of you are very homeless maybe you're

Starting point is 00:11:43 watching this yeah i think the shelter it's like the material you bring with you also to present yourself as homeless matters and your looks have to determine how much you it's like a bartender sure like a homeless girl the dog ones when they use dog when they dog that use the dogs like a prop and shit like i try to grab some chipotle one time some extra shit so i was going to give it to the guy, like give it to his dog and shit like that. And he's like, no, man, I'd rather take cash. It would go a lot further. I go, so you're not hungry. You don't want any of this food that I just bought for you.

Starting point is 00:12:15 Out of the kindness of my fucking heart. He goes, no, man, do you have any cash? I'm like, dude, you're a drug addict. You're not fucking homeless, dude. You're not that hungry. Like, come on, man. That's it, man. Yeah, dude, it just, whatever. I mean, but I know some people are, you know, they're not all homeless. You're not that hungry. Like, come on, man. That's it, man. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 00:12:25 It just, whatever. I mean, but I know some people are, you know, they're not all there and shit like that. But some people. A lot of them are not all there. A lot of veterans. A lot of veterans. That's crazy. That's crazy the veterans.

Starting point is 00:12:36 So wild what PTSD will do to a motherfucker. But then you see motherfuckers like our age and shit. And I'm like, dude, you're just lazy. You're not homeless. You're lazy. Like, dude, if you go lazy. You're not homeless. You're lazy. Like, dude, if you go outside of Austin to get like an apartment, it's like 800 bucks. You know what I'm saying? You can't make 800 bucks in a month, dude.

Starting point is 00:12:52 Like in your young and able body. Like what the fuck are you doing? Dude, you're lazy. What's better than a well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Starting point is 00:13:20 Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. Be motivated. People think they're too good to work at a gas station. Work at a fast food restaurant. I worked at a fucking grocery store as an adult. I was an H-E-B bagger of the year in 2009, bro.

Starting point is 00:13:39 I mean, I'll be legit. People feel too good. Those are bagging hands. They're lathered up. Sometimes I put baby on my hands. Boys feel too good. Those are bagging hands Bring your own fucking bag Yeah, fuck that plastic shit. Yeah, I was like an ass I want to get up there and I forget the bags and home and you got to buy them and I'm like Yo, give me paper and they look at you funny. I'm just like what? That's true like people just they feel like that's what the reason the recent resurgence to everybody going online with everything feeling like we really can't make a living online now.

Starting point is 00:14:12 It's like, welcome back to the real world. Welcome to the real world where you have to go to a job you don't like. Like, unfortunately, that's kind of it. Sometimes like I did it. We've all done it. We all work shit. It's fucking jobs. I get to where we are i was one of the guys that told baddie to quit his fucking regular job because i was like

Starting point is 00:14:29 allocate that time into i was like doing online shit like full-time eight hours more a day than my full-time job eight hours a day sleeping for two hours of fucking hard bro dude like the grind to get where you want is fucking what's gonna make you brother like i was like number one baddie get you want is fucking what's gonna make you brother like i was like number one betty get rid of that wife so we did hell yeah divorce down you know what that created opportunity can i say your name no okay i can't say your name i still love you. Can I say your name? No. Okay. I can't say your name. I still love you.

Starting point is 00:15:06 You're good people. Congratulations. Wait. Okay. She's like, shut the fuck up. Stop talking about me. Y'all still talking? Still good homies or not?

Starting point is 00:15:19 No. No? Okay. No good homies though. She wasn't bad. Let's move on. Let's go along Cut it Hey Eli Yeah

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Starting point is 00:16:17 Baraka. Baraka? Our president? No. Baraka. From Mortal Kombat? The single blade arm guy you have no idea who I'm talking about

Starting point is 00:16:29 he's the he's the guy with the mouth that's all all the teeth and then he has the two blades that come out his arms he's making shit up let's go back to Scottsdale and hot homeless people hot homeless people am I right you. Hot homeless people. Hot homeless people.

Starting point is 00:16:46 Am I right? You know, hot homeless people, they're getting all the money. If Brad Pitt was on the corner, people would get their money. Yeah. Help us get his modeling career started. How? Okay, okay. How hot? Because this is the problem. After a certain

Starting point is 00:17:04 point, you're like, are you really homeless? You ain't looking that good if you're homeless. Yeah, but then you think, are they not homeless? Are they actually like a hooker or something? Yeah. What's the line? That's where my mind goes. Maybe the hookers are homeless.

Starting point is 00:17:16 Maybe. Well, hell. Then you're like, what's the price tag? What are you offering here? What's the price tag? What are you offering here? Are you really homeless? Do you offer services and or wares really homeless or do you do you offer services

Starting point is 00:17:25 and or where yeah yeah do you want like a donation or a tip you know what's going on here just says it's like uh anything helps and you pull up god bless tip question yeah tip that's it it's just cardboard signs going back and forth. I'm telling you, dude. Surfing in the car. Yeah. Light screen, you're like, hold on. They're beeping at you. $100 question mark?

Starting point is 00:17:51 Day? How much does 20 get me? Question mark. You know what I'm saying? H-J? Yeah. God. That reminds me.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Y'all was talking about that. When I was a first year, I was in the oil field. Where did you work at in the oil field? You worked at an oil field? Yeah, I just quit my job. I just quit my job in January to do comedy full time. So before that, 13 years in the oil field. That's cool.

Starting point is 00:18:14 That's cool. Congrats. One of the first places I worked was in Fort Worth in the Barnett Shell. And I remember this is a time like the transmission on my car went out. So I had to use my dad's truck to drive up there and you stay for like a month and go home for like 10 days at that time that's what i was doing and i remember that like i was the third man because i was training so they had me in a hotel so i had to drive to the rig every morning it was like 20 minutes outside of fort worth and i remember it's like four in the morning and i'm at a stoplight by myself and like right

Starting point is 00:18:42 outside of fort worth and this naked woman comes running at my fucking vehicle, like waving her hands. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening? And like my mind is like, I just watched the book of Eli. The movie where that chick with the fucking shopping cart is trying to wave at me. And he knows it's a trap. And I'm like, dude, they're going to fucking kill me. It's a cash grab. This is the part where they cut you from.

Starting point is 00:19:02 So I just sped off. I sped off and left her naked ass there. But I wonder, I wonder how I'd have been. Columbus took a chance, found America. What if I let that woman in? What if you were Columbus? What if I Columbus'd that woman? What if you were Columbus?

Starting point is 00:19:14 What if I Columbus'd that woman? Gave her a slip list and she died and we moved on with our lives. Who knows, boys? Who fucking knows? Or she's back from the future. Yeah. She's like, I got 10 seconds to make a message. Hey! Hey! And I'm like, she's like. Yeah, boom. She. Yeah. She's like, I got 10 seconds to make a message. Hey,

Starting point is 00:19:25 she's like, she's back. She's like wasted. You forgot that or Terminator. Yeah. Oh, I didn't even think about that. She could,

Starting point is 00:19:35 she literally could have been the end of mankind. Yeah. Oh shit. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. And it wasn't like she was like not attractive either. She looked like she just had come from like domestic violence you know what i'm saying she was traffic you just let a traffic chick yeah make it through the street i mean look dude maybe

Starting point is 00:19:51 i didn't do a good deed there but maybe i did let's be real that's what it is she looks sad traffic she looked traffic baddie that's my 2023 no that's the new term man that bitch look traffic but look her nails We live in Texas. Her nails were done. She wasn't traffic. She was somebody. She was somebody. So here we are. I'm glad you noticed her nails.

Starting point is 00:20:14 I mean, look, I mean. You're fucking flooring it, burning it. Who's your girl? That slow-mo punches in. Who's your girl? I mean,mo punches in. Who's your girl? I mean, I get my nails done every now and then. I want to know. I want to know where she get them done.

Starting point is 00:20:31 I can just picture it. I was like, it turns around in slow motion. Your mullet waves. Yeah. And the zoom in on her nails. They're pink. Beautifully done. Manicure.

Starting point is 00:20:42 Perfect. Nice nails. Nice nails, man. You're like, help me. Iifully done. Manicured perfectly. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Starting point is 00:20:45 Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice.

Starting point is 00:21:03 Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. We're talking a different story, boy. Talking a different story. I mean, you're on your way home from where the fuck ever. If I'm coming back from the club or something like that,

Starting point is 00:21:08 I'm picking her up. But I'm picking her up. If I'm drunk, well, you shouldn't do that. But if I'm- If you're walking. Yeah. Walking home drunk. No, think.

Starting point is 00:21:17 If you walk out of the club and it's like, none of those bitches put out this. Hey, what's up, naked lady? What? It's flapping in the wind. Yeah. But you got to imagine this. It's flapping in the wind. Yeah, yeah. But you got to imagine,

Starting point is 00:21:29 it's probably going to be more harm than anything, doesn't it? Yeah, you're definitely making the situation worse. That's the thing I said this morning. I was like, I'm not really addicted to a lot of shit, but making terrible choices, I'm really good at. You know what I'm saying? Professional. Professional, yeah. That's what we do best.

Starting point is 00:21:41 Yeah. I would never assume that coming from a man that's wearing pins as earrings. This is solid 24 karat gold. A nice young lady gave me this. She had great nails too. I feel heavy. I'm not even fucking with you. I feel heavy.

Starting point is 00:21:54 That ain't your regular paper. What's wrong with earrings, Eli? A little. Yeah. Gold earrings are good. She gave it to me as like. It was silver. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:02 I'm poor ass. Well, it turns my skin green. Silver does? Yeah, silver does. Yeah, I'm poor ass over there. Well, it turns my skin green. Silver does? Yeah, silver does. Yeah, I'm allergic to it. Those are actually real gold. Little known fact, one pound of gold is actually heavier than one pound of silver. You know why?

Starting point is 00:22:14 Because it's a different, it's measured in a different metric. God damn, boys, look at us. We're learning today. Batty's like- What? Batty's just like- What he's doing is his power. He's hitting us with the tism.

Starting point is 00:22:27 He puts his hands up all the time when he's thinking. He goes. That's literally, if his fingers ain't moving, he ain't thinking. That's what I'm saying. I didn't do that. Another fun fact here. I learned this the other day when I was tripping mushrooms. Is this an actual fact?

Starting point is 00:22:40 Did you just see this? I looked it up after the fact because it was bothering me. Well, you know, when like a weatherman says there's going to be a 30% chance of rain, that 30% is the area, the area of which is going to get rain, not the percentage of it going to rain.

Starting point is 00:22:54 I've never knew that. And some woman told me that dead ass serious. I had to look it up on my phone on mushrooms. And I don't know if you've been on your phone on mushrooms, not a good place to be, but I had to fucking know right. Being on my phone on alcohol is an easy thing. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:23:06 Being on your phone while you're fucking an e-brainer. Anywhere is a bad place to be. Please come back! You know what I'm saying? Alcohol. Mushrooms. Am I dying? Mushrooms.

Starting point is 00:23:17 Or edibles on that point. Yeah, the bare measure. It's the bare measure. The bare measure. And you're like, what the fuck? I thought it was 30%. Also. The same thing. and it fucked me up

Starting point is 00:23:26 and then she also said as I told her I don't want to get on my phone to look this up because being on your phone on mushrooms sucks yeah yeah of course but she's also like

Starting point is 00:23:31 do you know why that is I was like no Merlin but I'm sure you're gonna fucking tell me hit me with the facts we've heard she goes because in the simulation

Starting point is 00:23:38 that we live in the mushrooms unlock our minds that's what she said to me bud that's what she said to me wait who was this is this the homeless woman no no no no no no she had nice nails but it wasn't a homeless chick okay she's just like a nice young lady but boy she was annoying on mushrooms that was a terrible trip but but she's like because the simulation we

Starting point is 00:23:57 live in the mushrooms unlocked our brain from the simulation and our phone is the evil mechanism of the simulation and i was kind of like shut the fuck up and go home. What are you talking about? It's the simulation. Well, for 8,000 years, we didn't have these motherfuckers. Yeah, what did we do then? What did we do then? Well, the industrial revolution in the Renaissance happened.

Starting point is 00:24:14 I'm just saying. Here we go. Here we go. Fuck our phones. Yeah. Discover the exciting action of BetMGM Casino. Check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer or enjoy over 3,000 games to choose from like Cash Eruption, UFC Gold Blitz.

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Starting point is 00:24:47 with iGaming Ontario. How long until we can fuck our phones? Like, actually, though? Hey, you know about the VR shit, though? That you can, like, so... Well, I know about VR. I've been in VR. So listen here, boys. They're coming out. I was reading about it, because a boy, when I was at the rig, like, for Christmas

Starting point is 00:25:04 before I quit my job in December, he bought one of the oculus headsets right yeah he's like dude have you seen the vr porn and he showed me some vr porn i was like that's not he goes he goes but check this out he goes they make this little it looks like a fucking roomba and it's like it's this it's like a fucking pocket pussy but it mimics exactly what the woman's doing on the on the vr headset to the motion to the tightness all that shit dude i was born 20 years too early me too bud me too i still remember they're born 20 years too late or 20 years too early this in between time we live in right now it's crazy bro it's fucking but we had i remember having it you ever had it we had a jerk off from stuff on dial-up internet. Bro, do you remember watching the photo come down in your eyes?

Starting point is 00:25:47 Yes, the picture. And it started within three days. Oh, dude. Like, why is there an ass in the air first? Yes. Like, why am I looking at your forehead? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:58 By that time. Busted. I'm not. Yeah, you're already done. You're already done. No, we're an hour into this. Upstairs here. I need to use the phone.

Starting point is 00:26:07 God damn it, phone. That's the worst, dude. I can take that titty out. Use it. You see the top of the tip. No nip. Just the top of your tip. Like, good enough.

Starting point is 00:26:18 Just areola. Just the top of the red. You're just. Yeah, dude. And that's crazy. Back in the day. Man, I will say. Thinking back on that of how easy you just get horned up.

Starting point is 00:26:27 I could see a Barbie, which has nothing of a... Oh, yeah. That'll work. That's enough. I'd put the Barbie and the Kindle together. What a treat that was. You know what I'm saying? I got to plug it in.

Starting point is 00:26:38 What a treat. And now it can be like, I'm at that age, especially at 38. Yeah, I'm like... And you're 38? He's Asian. You, especially at 38. Yeah, I'm like. And you're 38? He's Asian. You look good for 38. No, he's Asian. Stop it.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Don't you dare. Are you Asian? Asian. Look at him. Got the Asian chin. See, I'm colorblind. I don't see race either. I thought he was Mexican.

Starting point is 00:26:56 That's what I'm talking about. I'm mad. I'm colorblind. All I smelt was Mexican. I know you didn't say smelt. But I think that's make that joke way better that's pretty good that's pretty good this is in the air but at that age you just like and then like all the hoggers like what's up and

Starting point is 00:27:22 at my age i'm like that's a lot of work versus like 16 year old eli a barbie doll yeah my dick's hard as shit yeah dude a stiff breeze back there by getting me going you know what i'm saying yeah oh but now dude now the only time i get like extremely horny and i don't know when the fuck this started happening it had to have been something when you know around the pandemic and stuff. But like, dude, y'all remember ever being like where you get hung over and the next day you'd be the most fucking horny you'd ever been in your entire life? There's a fine media.

Starting point is 00:27:55 I know what you're talking about. Dude, it's like, I feel like death. Like 17 tequilas damn near took me out. But now if my phone vibrates too close to my fucking leg, like I'm hot. Dude, I was making a sandwich no lie and i dropped fucking mayonnaise on my fucking inner thigh and i jerked off right there in the kitchen with the mayonnaise and then i put it back the used the jar. He used the whole jar. Yeah. Incredible.

Starting point is 00:28:27 Dude, the head hurt. Mine is, my head hurts really bad after like a hangover. Which head? Yeah. Which? Your head? Oh, both. Okay.

Starting point is 00:28:35 Both. Incredible. But when you're J-O-ing, when you have that bad energy. He says J-O-ing. He can't say jerk off. Oh. I don't know why. I've never heard anybody.

Starting point is 00:28:42 You never heard? I've never heard J-O-ing. Yeah. That was a new one to me too. Yeah. This is money. You never heard. I've never heard. Yeah Yeah, this is some Eli Laura for this is the journey was a J. Oh Shorten it down now. You'll start using piss either. He'll say pee pee though. Yeah, you gotta go pee pee Myself uncomfortable I've spent way too much goddamn time around you. I don't like this. I'm making myself uncomfortable. He doesn't like bologna. That's good.

Starting point is 00:29:16 So did you ever work out Midland, Odessa area? Yeah. So that's, I started in like Fort Worth area and then went to South Texas. I did some time in Ohio and Pennsylvania and then North Dakota. But the past six years, I've been out in like Hobbs, New Mexico, Jow, Hobbs area. Like they had rigs in Midland, but the company I worked for was like, yo, if we put you that close to town, you're going to be at the bar every night,

Starting point is 00:29:40 which was good on them because it probably saved my job. Because where I was, the closest convenience store was an hour and a half one way really yeah so like there was no even point because you have to work a 12-hour day you stay 12 hours on location and trailer house and by the time you drive it's a three-hour trip and it's just like you have to get all your groceries prior to going out there and what the what do you fucking do other than jerk off dude it's it's prison it's prison but with better windows you know what i'm saying like they have like a little gym for you out there and pay the pay was great yeah that's the only that's i didn't do it for my health that's for damn sure but yeah

Starting point is 00:30:14 it's where it's literally where dreams go to die so i mean i mean dude they're like there was a couple sites i was on where like about a hundred miles away that's where they used to test nuclear bombs underground in the 50s and shit like that oh no shit it was like there was a one place you could go there's a band and that's why this looks so good right literally it's fucking well i've got yeah i've got two yeah it's radioactive that most it's beautiful like yeah i appreciate like a shitty knockoff one because i like that you got the viking strip that's it i like yours is fucking so the bottom is a perm right and the top the top is i just honestly boys i woke up this morning i'm running late because i'm a piece of shit so i'm like i can't shower so i got this curl cream because like all these girls that day they all got hair and skin i got

Starting point is 00:30:58 curl cream bro i got curls i got that and i hit it and it just morphs and i'm like yo why the fuck would i do this sooner i've only had this for about two years and I love it like dude from right here with that spectacular halo just hitting you like can you see yourself

Starting point is 00:31:12 on that monitor I can't I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna lie boys this is a way better setup than I got George you don't need

Starting point is 00:31:19 to get these cameras this lighting son of a gun I'm like I'm just catching the light off of it. Fuck, dude. I'm killing it.

Starting point is 00:31:28 I bet there's still stripper glitter in there from the Scotchdale. Let me tell you something. Go back to Scotchdale. Let me tell you. You got to go rail with naked chicks at 4 a.m. Please, please. I'm going to be honest with y'all here. I've seen a lot of shit in my day.

Starting point is 00:31:44 But this has got to take the cake. So I flew in a day early. My show was on Friday, and I flew in Thursday. And the club promoter, you know, he reached out. He's like, yo, I think your shit's fucking funny. Come hang out with me and my boy. They own a bunch of clubs and nightclubs and shit down there. So they take us out to a nice dinner with, like, 40, like, Instagram-only fan models, girls.

Starting point is 00:32:04 And it's, like, 40 of them chicks. And it's, 40 of them chicks it's like me him and like two other buddies and like we go to this nice place called city hall they get seafood towers by the dozen we're all yayed out so we're not eating nobody's eating and ever how much money on that nobody's nobody's hungry you know but we go back to their bar make an appearance we just do kind of you know meet and greet shit whatever well we go back to this house party and we literally go to this bar, make an appearance. We just do kind of, you know, meet and greet shit, whatever. Well, we go back to this house party. And we literally go to this house party. It's this badass pool, middle of the desert. This DJ comes in.

Starting point is 00:32:30 He's playing EDM music. All these women are there. And then I see, now listen here. I don't know. Do you guys know what the term boofing is? Yes. Are you familiar? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:37 Hold on. Wait, what the fuck's a boofing? All right, let's explain to your list. So, boofing is when someone blows some sort of substance in another person's butthole right that's up the ass up the ass okay now i have i have seen and witnessed this before but in the in my neck of the woods in the place that i was frequent the chicks that are doing this are sewer sixes at best you know what i'm saying lower caliber some trash sixes trash pandas if you would you know what i'm saying they're just. Some trash pandas. Four sixes. Trash pandas, if you would. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:33:05 Trash don. They're doing whatever they can for a little bit of some shekel or a coin. You know what I'm saying? So I get it. Shekels. Oh, my God. But I'm going to be honest with you, boys. I witnessed what I can only describe as a fox.

Starting point is 00:33:19 She was a 10 all the way. Beautiful young lady, probably in her late 20s, early 30s. She's flawless and she took one of them boys and he asked and she's like oh i've done it before and she lays him down and first off too she pulls on his pants and this boy's got the best bottom of a human being i've ever seen little baby's but not a speck of hair on it i'm like how old are you and he's like i'm 30 i'm like how you know what i'm saying like and so i'm like all right he's one of those weird freaks that doesn't have like a brown butthole. It's just like.

Starting point is 00:33:46 Oh, he's bleached. He's done work. It's like this. I didn't look too hard in there, but she. You took a look though. I looked. I took a gander. I took a gander.

Starting point is 00:33:56 I get it. She surgically spread his butthole like this, like pulled it apart. And she looked at me in the eyes. She goes, put some on there. And I took my little bag that I had just gotten, my fresh gram. And in the eyes she goes put some on there and i i took my little bag that i just got in my fresh gram and i put like a bump or so on there and she looked at me dead in the eyes with a stern fucking face and she goes all of it put all of it on there so i emptied a gram of on this girl's on this dude's butole. And she pulled out a glass straw in her makeup bag about yay long.

Starting point is 00:34:26 And she blew it in one, like she was blowing out birthday candles. Right in there. Went all in there. And then she kissed the tip of it. Like kiss of death. Like little chef's kiss. And that dude stayed up for three days. And it was the most incredible thing I think I've ever witnessed in my entire life.

Starting point is 00:34:44 Are you telling that story? I'm picturing the Raiders of the Lost Ark. He's getting ready. She's like this. She's like this. She's like, oh, wait. She's like, and her face is like, and it just starts mumbling. I'm thinking of a different part of the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Starting point is 00:34:59 Oh, okay. You know, he's getting ready to switch the idols. She's got his friend. She's like, do it. He's like. But it's cocaine and to switch the idols. She's got she's like do it. He's like but it's okay In a butthole in the large rock chases After but it's in your ass

Starting point is 00:35:16 So you can't and there's like there's like 15 people in this room watching this go down and I'm just like is this normal? They go. Yeah, this happens every night and I go what the what the fuck kind of place is what in the mother fuck every fucking hotel every apartment complex is a cabana style vegas pool party that's that is very much scottsdale and dude i will say that is very true i am i am flabbergasted i'm blown away this is it's the only place i've been since i've been touring that i was like yo i would actually move here i'd move out of austin and go oh yeah it's beautiful but i just i know the whole way i felt the entire weekend i was like i have to go home if i do not go home i will die because i don't have self-control i'm like let's go yeah let's wait i don't you know

Starting point is 00:35:59 you just talked about buffooning or buff buff buffing let's call it buffooning though i do like that i do like that you ever j-o'd or buffooning dude i'm telling you incredible girl buffoon you oh man oh well my sweet child come hither yeah she looked at me she goes no all of it and i go what the fuck yes ma'am yeah you want to know what I want to know. What'd that man's face look like in that moment? Hearing the car. Yeah. He was like Pedro Pascal.

Starting point is 00:36:31 Yeah. Yeah. But dude, like what could he, what could he really say? Cause like, I mean, if it's a trash pan or something,

Starting point is 00:36:39 he's like, girl, get away from me. But like this, this chick's like gorgeous, like gorgeous. And he's just like, okay. Like, you know, he didn't know her. He's like gorgeous like gorgeous and he's just like okay like you know he didn't know he's like yeah so i mean hell whether that is a nice asshole is that what you said i was like no i literally go hey man i'm gonna be honest with you that's one

Starting point is 00:36:54 of the best butts i've ever seen on a human being i said i don't quite now how do you not have hair down there bubs you know and he's just like i just don't grow it nowhere but on my face i said incredible incredible because dude if i my i can't wipe my ass sometimes it's all i know it's a fucking yeah it's basically a chia pet yeah it's bad bro baddie remember that time i was searching for hot anime dolphins i hate when i'm online searching up hot anime dolphins me too it's the most embarrassing thing you know what sometimes you're like just use incognito mode i always use incognito mode that's safe right until the government knocks on your door trust me and that's why i use expressvpn

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Starting point is 00:39:02 to learn more. You're cut off. Get your dolphins today. Good. I'm hairy, bro. I'm not Asian. I don't know what you want. Look at my face.

Starting point is 00:39:13 Everywhere. Yo, but let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Just because I did date a redheaded girl when I worked in Ohio. Yep. But she was like, she was real red, like orange red, like with the freckles and stuff. And I can tell you don't have a lot of freckles. My face isn't.

Starting point is 00:39:26 Really? Shoulders, my chest, covering freckles. Her pubic hair was not black. It was red. Yeah. That's a real thing. 100%. That's crazy.

Starting point is 00:39:34 Yep. That's fucking crazy. From my ears down red. I mean, I'm just saying. It makes zero sense. I mean, look at the arm hair. Yeah. And I'm just saying.

Starting point is 00:39:43 But most, because I've got, when I was a baby, I had like Q-tip blonde hair, like white blonde hair. My pubic hairs are black. You know what I'm saying? So I just thought, man, that's got to be redheads too, but it's not. Carpet matches and drapes are firing a hole right on top. Ears down, brother. Red. Really?

Starting point is 00:39:58 Because my hair's brown. Yeah, your hair's darker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ears down. It's just, yeah, yeah. I mean, it makes sense. I'm trying to think now i'm like what is all the pubes i've seen there's been a lot it's been one or two one a pube or so i've

Starting point is 00:40:11 seen five pubes what was it like in the 90s eli i don't even remember no i'm so old. How old are you? I'm 32. Okay. So, yeah. Okay. It's the same age. Yeah, absolutely. So, you were smart. You didn't join the military.

Starting point is 00:40:29 You're like, fuck this shit. No, I went even somewhere worse. The oil field. I know. But you made way better money. You didn't make money. But goddamn, the only reason you make so much is because you're out there for 70 to 100 days at a time.

Starting point is 00:40:38 You can't spend it on anything. No. But then that's when, like, you get off. Yes, that's why the military was good. Unfortunately, sometimes you could spend it on things like Camaros or high APRs. Oh, I mean, yeah, yeah. Or you got no credit. Yeah, you got no credit.

Starting point is 00:40:54 You're just. Yeah, but like that's the thing. Everybody would buy shit cash. But the one thing that you could always see because it all goes in trends, especially when like a new someone comes into office, like they switch from Democrat to Republican, like all gets affected by that shit. Right.

Starting point is 00:41:08 So these guys, when times are booming, they're not saving their money. There's fucking spinning on side-by-sides for all the toys, you know what I'm saying? And then when the oil field slows down, people start getting laid off and you see these things on Craigslist or, Hey,

Starting point is 00:41:19 I got this buddy's in a bind. He gives you it for fucking 50% off just to get, get out from under it like yeah dude it's it's wild so yeah it's they're all degenerates oh 100 but some of the greatest people i've met in my life out there my boat they fucked me i have to get rid of my boat you live in midland there is not a you don't need a lake i mean one guy. Bro, when it rains, though, it looks beautiful in my driveway. It's just credential downpour out there, dude. It floods.

Starting point is 00:41:48 God. But I remember this dude tried to sell me his four-wheeler that he just wanted to get rid of, but he didn't have the key for it. He didn't have the key for it. But the whole ignition thing, he said, you got to start with the wires. I said, you stole that fucking thing, dude. Don't, you know, come on, man. First off, I did not steal do it we can get a key

Starting point is 00:42:08 made for it we are good to go you are 100 happy oh god how much nerd shit do you do are you like yeah i'm gonna know like you game do you fucking uh yeah i used to game uh so uh one of the comics i live with right now he is fucking just enamored with dungeons and dragons right now and they're on like a seven month campaign wearing a dungeon dragons t-shirt and like we're starting our so that's starting us so i look i'm not like the role-playing aspect just for creative like nature and stuff like that it's improv it helps with comedy and shit right but he is like to the point where like they go every Sunday

Starting point is 00:42:47 and they spend like eight hours fucking doing it. And like this morning, this mother, the reason I was late because he woke me up at like nine. He's like, dude, he didn't get home till like two in the morning. Can he supposed to catch a flight to New Orleans?

Starting point is 00:42:59 He's like, dude, they changed my flight. I go, no, dude, you over fucking slept. He's like, I need you to take me to the airport now. Luckily, I only lived like 15 minutes from the airport. I got in there on time, but I was like, dude, they changed my fight. I go, no, dude, you over fucking slept. I need you to take me to the airport now. Luckily, we only live like 15 minutes from airport. I got in there on time, but I was like,

Starting point is 00:43:08 dude, don't let Dungeons and Dragons get your job now. You know what I'm saying? Don't chase that dragon. But I watched the Dungeons and Dragons movie the other day. So good. great fucking movie action. So good.

Starting point is 00:43:19 Long as fuck. Long as fuck, but great movie. And like, what really pissed me off is like, I was like, look, we need to have a little,

Starting point is 00:43:24 little friend bonding. Let me watch the dungeon dragons movie with you you know well you know maybe i'll have a little better understanding we got halfway through it and got late so we like we're watching the morning well i wake up morning go to the gym i get back he's already finished it and i was like you piece of shit i mean okay this is every argument every dude's had with his girlfriend forever when she falls asleep and you finish the show and you get ahead three episodes. Yeah Yeah, fuck you We didn't fall asleep we were just like yo, it's late. He's yeah, we gotta get do shit in the morning Let's we mutually agreed to go to bed at the same time. That's me. This cocksucker was like, hey, man

Starting point is 00:43:59 I actually watched it all There wasn't any bad parts in there, man. I had to make sure no nip slips or anything. I didn't want to get awkward between us as we watched. Okay. But yeah, great movie. No, I used to, I mean, I played like, dude, I can't remember how many times my grandma died in high school and I stayed home and just played goddamn Skyrim and slayed dragons all day.

Starting point is 00:44:19 I mean, my grandma died like nine times. But my man, I literally got Alduin the World leader tattooed. Oh, I didn't even notice that. From the energy on the wall on my arm. Did you see the, what is it? The Stargazer or Stargate? The new one that they're coming out with? It's in space.

Starting point is 00:44:33 Oh, no. Starfield. Starfield. Yep. Starfield. Absolutely. Yeah, that one looks like it's going to be. Later this year.

Starting point is 00:44:38 Yeah, it's supposed to come out. I thought it was. Oh, yeah. Now I know where we're in this year. That was early 2024. Okay, badass. I know a lot of the sports games now. I love FIFA.

Starting point is 00:44:47 I'm great at FIFA. I used to play a lot of FIFA back in my day. Yeah, I love it. I used to play for money and shit all the time, like online, all kinds of shit. That's the most betting is in the sports world. I've never seen how much betting is crazy. Dude, the level of betting.

Starting point is 00:45:02 Because League of Legends, you have these world championship games, which massive compared to like nba 2k nfl 2k fifa 2k they're big they're giant games yeah they don't compare to like league of legends yeah league of legends next but but but you get to see how much money people put into the nfl 2k and you're like and i remember i remember when i it was like i was right out of high school and i was playing it and playing it for money and put into the NFL 2K. And you're like, I remember when I, it was like, I was right out of high school and I was playing it and playing it for money and stuff.

Starting point is 00:45:28 And it was right when like, you know, being online and playing online like Halo and shit. It was still new. It was still new, but it was still there.

Starting point is 00:45:35 But I remember I'd come up with this concept. I'm sure it's done now. But like, I was like, dude, what if there was a way you set it up with your PayPal

Starting point is 00:45:40 and you play this person and you have a wager against them online like electronically but then but then all the shit with people cheating like on the fucking aim scope thing oh yeah because then you never know what you're fucking up against but you play someone like rated and you're because we do the fifa online online teams the seasons you play something then your division that's similar to your attributes and skill level so i'm like yo if you were to have that real base matchmaking you know what i So, I mean, maybe something like that would have been cool,

Starting point is 00:46:07 but I think it's already been done now, or at least- I don't think it has, because there's a lot of things- But there's a log, because it's gambling. It's gambling. So there are like in-game currencies and in-game stuff you can do. But I remember something with on that on FIFA 2 with the in-game stuff, like in order to buy the better players to create and build your team you know you you want guys that are from either the same like league like the premier league or they're from the same country so they have chemistry together

Starting point is 00:46:32 so guys would build their teams around that but like some of these bigger name players they cost a fuck ton of them coins well someone figured out how to hack this shit a couple years ago and was like if you paid him like fucking a hundred dollars on PayPal, he'd fucking transfer you like a million coins. There are very few things that you can be certain of in life, but you can always be sure the sun will rise each morning. You can bet your bottom dollar that you'll always need air to breathe and water to drink. And of course you can rest assured that with public mobiles, 5g subscription phone plans, you'll pay the same thing every month with all of the mysteries that life has to offer. A few certainties can really go a long way. Public Mobile's 5G subscription phone plans, you'll pay the same thing every month. With all of the mysteries that life has to offer, a few certainties can really go a long way.

Starting point is 00:47:13 Subscribe today for the peace of mind you've been searching for. Public Mobile. Different is calling. Oh, yeah. I remember this is a thing. I remember reading an article about it. It was like, holy shit. It was a huge problem. I mean, even games, you go back to MMOs, like World of Warcraft, things like that.

Starting point is 00:47:26 Gold farming, like a way, like a clash of clans. Literally, dude, the game I play on stream, I play a game called Escape from Tarkov. It's a shooter based on in Russia. And the whole premise of that game is surviving these fights and making money. People found a way to farm money from these games by like finding the in-game items

Starting point is 00:47:46 that are worth the most making money they'll just give you the money yeah and they sell it they're like gold farming buying in-game currencies has been that was the vein of online gaming yeah like diablo 3 for me that was what i did i used to do that in Diablo 3. Yeah, look. I mean, so EQ for when I grew up was 99 to 2003. God, you're so fucking old. I know. 99 to 2003. You were playing like Pong and shit. Well, yeah, pretty much.

Starting point is 00:48:13 It was like. And we sell those Pong balls for so much. Jesus Christ. Ward winning Pong ball. No, we'd have. You just level up the character and that would go for a grand no matter what yeah they care you sell off your character right because in 99 2000 grand for me in high school it's a good chunk of change that's an insane amount of money thinking

Starting point is 00:48:35 about it like yeah yeah inflation back then wasn't near bro i remember like when i was i'd make 200 bucks back in high school and I'd be like whoa like that's so much money you should take that and go to

Starting point is 00:48:50 so I lived in Vermont growing up and there's nothing around fucking Vermont there's nothing to do when you're fucking 70, 18 it's like North Dakota

Starting point is 00:48:57 nothing well so we'd you know you'd work and then we'd go to Montreal two hours north of us in Canada

Starting point is 00:49:04 with the drinking age of 18. And they got all the beautiful women in there. Oh, the strip clubs, all this shit. And we'd take our $200 paychecks and we'd go blow every bit of it every weekend in Montreal. But back then too, because what year was that? 2008, 2009. Was it? Because I remember when I was little in the 90s, we'd go to the Scholastic Book Fair.

Starting point is 00:49:25 Oh, yeah. You always buy the books, but you see in American, it was like $9.99. And then in Canada money, it was like $13.99. But I guess their dollar was stronger back then. But since then, it's switched. Like your dollar goes a lot further in Canada now than it used to. So, yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:44 But yeah, I've worked at fucking Office Depot for a little while in high school. And 200 bucks and you go get a $9 bottle of McCormick's plastic vodka and be set for the weekend. Burnettes. Oh, buddy. Burnettes. And now that alcohol, if I smell it, it just brings back those terrors of throwing up in a cornfield trying not to die. And I just like, I can just like i can't i can't fucking i dude cotton cotton and corn baby maze they call it maze where i'm from oh no i do you

Starting point is 00:50:12 know for me it was always some neighbors some poor neighbor we didn't know his porch that was oh yeah i've woken up in somebody's house i didn't know like oh man oh downtown burlington see everybody in my small town they're pretty cool everybody's moms were all pretty much alcoholics anyway so they'd let you come over and get fucked up and drink

Starting point is 00:50:28 they just would take your keys they were responsible drunks yeah high functioning that's how we did it we know you're gonna drink

Starting point is 00:50:35 we know you're gonna do it do it here leave your shit somewhere we're like don't be stupid and that was cool up until old Freddy C shit

Starting point is 00:50:41 all over my mom's fucking couch and we could never have people over after that fuck you Freddy C yeah fuck you Freddy he shit on threw up piss himself just just got just got you know freddie what are you doing he died a couple years later you gotta hit that makes sense no that's better it's probably better that way yeah fuck you freddie he's watching this podcast episode at the pearly gates he's like that was mean He was saying Pete didn't know about that. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:51:07 His poppy goes on the button. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. Whoa. You were so close to going to heaven. This is the one. Yeah, this is the one. You're out, dude. For an eternity of suffering.

Starting point is 00:51:14 You're fucking out. Sir Laser just raps you out. He's like, no. He just disappears from the clouds. Thankfully, it's only for eternity you suffer, Freddie. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, it's just eternity, dude. No, you would, man.

Starting point is 00:51:30 Oh, cornfields growing up. And I grew up in Indiana for a majority. So I had Midland and then Indiana. Indiana's nothing but cornfields, getting drunk, all that. And then I lived in the podunk town. The most podunk town. That's the best Vermont. Yeah, I get it.

Starting point is 00:51:44 It's all Vermont all it still looks poor i look at croppersville even now like when i go with like two weeks ago i was just journeying through my old house that i grew up in i was like on the street google wheel switch the camera over to the house like fuck i was super poor that is 700 square feet for seven people. What the fuck? Yeah. Nuts. Yeah. But you made it work. Like back then you didn't know anything else.

Starting point is 00:52:10 No. You know what I'm saying? To me, like I finally got my own room when I was like 13 or 14. I thought that was, I was like, we made it. Yeah. I got to share a fucking bedroom with somebody. We made it. You know, so.

Starting point is 00:52:21 Yeah. And you're on top. You're like, fuck it. As you said, we made it. And then going through, like, as you're, you know? So, yeah. And you're on top. You're like, look, as you said, we made it. And then going through, like, as you're, as you're saying,

Starting point is 00:52:27 it's, you look back at your old life, like a 700 square feet for seven people. And then we got a bigger house. Yeah. Look at the square footage of that house. And you're like, man,

Starting point is 00:52:38 I thought that house was, I could have put my childhood houses in probably like the liver literally like some of them were that an area is that tight and another thing too when you grow up that way like that like you don't forget the taste of shit like i love spam like a spam sandwich i love spam dude some fries just got spam the other day there's a place, if you get a chance and you're in San Antonio, called Hot Joids downtown. They're like an Asian Hawaiian tiki bar. Oh, I already love it. Fusion neon lights.

Starting point is 00:53:13 They have a spam fried rice. Money. Good. It's good. You don't forget that taste, and it's like, and they're like, some girl the other day was like, why the fuck are you eating that? I was like,

Starting point is 00:53:25 I like the way it tastes. I still like spam to this day. Yeah, I do too. Little beanie weenies, little cocktail weenies out of a can. I fucking hate those goddamn things. Dude.

Starting point is 00:53:33 Fish sticks, I fucking despise. Tuna fish casserole, we lived on that shit. I love tuna fish casserole. Dude, fish sticks. Spinach casserole,

Starting point is 00:53:41 I hate spinach casserole to this day because I ate so much of it growing up. Fish sticks. You can't leave the table until you finish it. Guess what? I'm sitting here until fucking 2 a.m. And so are you, Bob. See, dude.

Starting point is 00:53:53 That's why you have trouble sleeping now, dude. Because of that. You know what I'm saying? I got the tremors. Dude, that salmon patties and fish sticks were like my. Honey. This is the day of my existence i look at this now i'm like no okay what was your go-to poor people food it was spam dude spam chicken and rice were

Starting point is 00:54:12 like okay chicken a good day with chicken and rice but spam we had and now you go to the grocery store and you see how many versions of spam there is it's like jalapeno spam i don't know if you've had it there's jalapenos oh my god do they why didn't you let me try jalapeno spam. I don't know if you've had it. There's jalapeno spam? Oh my God. I haven't had that one. Why didn't you let me try jalapeno spam, Mom? Eli, do you know this episode was brought to you by Manscaped? Eli? Looks like the carpet does match the drapes.

Starting point is 00:54:42 And what a great time, Batty, considering April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. You know what that means? Have your buddies shave your junk? No, to help raise awareness and fundraise for a good cause. The leaders in Below the Ways Grooming partnered with the Testicular Cancer Society to remind you to check your golden nuggets this month for anything not so golden. His are golden, just red. And while you're down there, shave your balls while you save your balls.

Starting point is 00:55:12 Support a good cause and go over to manscaped.com and use code unsubbed to get 20% off plus free shipping. Homies trim each other's balls. Eli, did you know one guy every hour, every day is diagnosed with testicular cancer? That's ball cancer. I did not know that. That's terrifying. This is a reminder for you and all you men out there,

Starting point is 00:55:40 check your golden nuggets. Do you know how to check for ball cancer? Well, that's easy. When you're in that shower, get that water nice and warm. Give those little nuts a little play with. Who doesn't like playing with the balls? This guy. I like it.

Starting point is 00:55:52 And if it hurts, go see a doctor. Or have your buddy do it. Together, we save balls. Battle buddies for life. To help remind you guys to check yourself for testicular cancer, for a limited time, you can get the special edition tcs lawnmower trimmer 4.0 it's purple and looks dope one of our colors actually this special edition is a collectible item only 10 000 units are going to be made so get yours today

Starting point is 00:56:18 before they're gone with the launch of their special edition purple lawnmower 4.0, Manscaped will be donating $50,000 to their longtime partner, the Testicular Cancer Society, to help those impacted by testicular cancer. Get 20% off and free shipping when using code UNSUB at manscaped.com. I repeat, go to manscaped.com and use code UNSUB to get 20% off and free shipping. Make sure you go out there and tell your buddies to go check their balls or check them for them. Check your boys and check your boys' boys. Check your boys' boys. Check your boys' boys.

Starting point is 00:56:53 That's the new saying. It's just check your boys' boys. Now, the spicy spam is the only one that makes me shit my brains out because I found that one. You shit your brains out every day. I know, but there's— You got crumbs? Yo, I have like whatever, everything.

Starting point is 00:57:07 Yeah, he probably does. I shit like 16 times a day. Anything I eat, I'm dead ass serious. Oh my God. I'm dead ass serious. Say I got it wrong with you too. He knows. I look at milk, I'm like,

Starting point is 00:57:16 I got to poop and I go poop. Like, yeah, I can drink water and be like, here we go. Yeah. Eating at restaurants is such a bitch because you're like, okay. This one will make me shit four times that's only three but they're bad it's a bad three yeah i'll do the four do you remember when it started happening though do you remember like late 20s see mine too

Starting point is 00:57:35 like but i i think i like partying and drugs or whatever my mom was like bigot in the 80s she was like she's a fuck alex alice cooper and like all kinds of shit she was like my mom like used to party party and she like always tell me damn when when like i would i started like doing every now and again she she's like, yo, she's like, you need to eat it. You don't need to snort it so you can breathe in the morning. So I would eat cocaine all the time instead of snorting it. I think that's what fucked my stomach up. To this day, I'm pretty sure that's what did that.

Starting point is 00:58:16 Yeah, boys, I don't know if y'all know who you're having on, but I'm a piece of shit. Well, first off, your mom's giving you advice. You should eat cocaine. Yeah. She goes, here, take this big bump in your mouth. Dad, why didn't you advice you should eat cocaine yeah she goes here take this big bump in your mouth why didn't you tell me i eat cocaine great woman her name's leticia i love her love you mom okay go to poor people food uh dude spaghettios hell yeah money i used to eat the i used to eat the fuck out of canned sardines.

Starting point is 00:58:45 The white chocolate macadamia cream cold brew from Starbucks is made just the way you like it. Handcrafted cold foam topped with toasted cookie crumble. It's a sweet summer twist on iced coffee. Your cold brew is ready at Starbucks. The little fishes? What the fuck? Yeah, when my mom and dad divorced,

Starting point is 00:59:04 I remember we'd go to the fucking Berkshire Brothers or Budget Chopper or whatever the fuck. The Piggly Wiggly? The Piggly Wiggly. And my dad would stock up on cans of sardines and he'd be like, oh, y'all want a little snack?

Starting point is 00:59:15 Here, come get a little snack. And you'd pull up the shitty copper top that would cut your hair? Yeah, and we would just fucking take a little fork and eat them little sardines. Throw them on pizzas? I loved them. Would he throw them on pizzas? I never put them on pizzas. My dad would. I know a little fork and eat them little and I loved them I loved them would he throw them on pizzas

Starting point is 00:59:25 I never put them on pizzas I know a lot of people did that but I never did but the SpaghettiOs and the off brand SpaghettiOs not well yeah

Starting point is 00:59:33 it was the store brand yeah the store brand for me up in Vermont it was the O-Rings brand okay like Sam's Choice Cola or some shit like that

Starting point is 00:59:40 shit like that have you ever tried tomato O-Rings that's all it says it's just tomato O-rings? That's all it says is just tomato O-rings. You're like, yeah, look at those. We got the new alphabet O-rings. You're like, yeah. Kaboom.

Starting point is 00:59:53 I love kaboom. Or cereal in a bag. Cereal in a bag. It was a mess, man, dude. It was a mess. But like a special treat, like have it like once every two months. My mom would do

Starting point is 01:00:05 chicken and dumplings and cocaine and cocaine after we get done eating cocaine but she'd take she'd take the like the Pillsbury biscuits

Starting point is 01:00:14 that you would like make in the morning and she'd roll those hand roll them and that would be the dumpling like and like we had like

Starting point is 01:00:19 my grandpa had a bunch of chicken so we'd kill a chicken like a de-feather I don't know if you ever de-feathered a chicken it was incredible it's fucking it's, so we'd kill the chicken, fucking de-feather it. I don't know if you ever de-feathered a chicken. I've seen it. It was incredible.

Starting point is 01:00:27 It's fucking, it's a weird process, but cut the chicken up. It's not peaceful. No, but she cut it all hand up, dude. And it was, she made her own broth with it. It was good. It was good as fuck. So we're poor. My mom, all the women back then knew how to cook.

Starting point is 01:00:39 Dude, my mom. You know what I'm saying? My mom was like a hard, she was a high, she was like a high functioning alcoholic. She'd go to work every day and she'd come home every night. It was the cocaine. It probably,

Starting point is 01:00:48 well, yeah, maybe so. Hell yeah. I didn't even think about that, but. Honey, how you doing? You want chicken? I made fried. She'd be on them fucking bush lights

Starting point is 01:00:55 and come in there after work and she'd be cooking her fucking ass off, dude. She was a bush lighter. I'm not a student. She was a student. No, she just did the bush lights and she smoked the Carlton 100s or the Virginia Slims.

Starting point is 01:01:06 Oh, yeah. Virginia Slims, oh my God. Virginia Slims, buddy. Is your mom still alive? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we have a different

Starting point is 01:01:11 childhood. Yeah, she just very close. Oh, my God. Here we go. He pulled that card on me, dude. He does it

Starting point is 01:01:17 every fucking episode. Every episode I talk about my dead mother. Rest in peace. I'm laughing during this episode no but Virginia Slims

Starting point is 01:01:31 like the fucking drinking booze it tastes like fucking cardboard you know what I'm saying you never smoked them huh so I remember selling them to every elderly white woman in Vermont the thin ass laws give me the 100s like you smoking a pencil like what it's like this fucking long that thin little straw like a mother

Starting point is 01:01:50 just moms ever have uh i know it's must be it might have been just an old lady southern thing but like my mom had a a leather like little thing that had these two buttons you press it was a cigarette like cigarette holder like it held her cigarettes in this little leather bag she put that in her purse instead of carrying around the box whoa yeah no so i've seen them i know i know exactly what you're talking about i couldn't afford that it was it was a gift to hand me down a generation yeah we had eight generations of cigarette holders you know yeah she's gonna give it to you. My great-great-great-grandpappy made this from the hide of a boar.

Starting point is 01:02:30 He killed in the woods. Now, you give it to the lady you love, sweetie. Listen here, baby. I don't have a ring to give you, but, you know. This cigarette case. Here's my grandmammy's fucking cigarette holder. God. From England. It's just been handed down generations

Starting point is 01:02:45 smells like the civil war you know what i'm saying it's just incredible smells like the civil war i can smell the racism you open it it says the south will rise again you open it it's like we can't that's gonna get me canceled on twitter i'm gonna put that case away right now dude i was talking to him i really i like i don't really i'm not too active on twitter dude twitter i didn't write good twitter is a fuck you can do whatever on there oh yeah on there the worst and best place on the internet because it is truly and even before elon it was it was like

Starting point is 01:03:26 this it really was because i've been using twitter for a while i i enjoy twitter i do really good on twitter but lately it has been such a cesspool of whatever you don't even know what you're going to see anymore like you'll be scrolling and i hate to even bring it up but the the latest trend on twitter that people have been doing is they're posting animals getting killed oh man bro it's nobody told me about this dude like pet animals or like nature i see i can't do like pet animals i can't do the pets i like when a lion takes down a gazelle or something majestic nature's fucking cool whatever but fucking someone killing a dog or a cat i can't fucking dude it's literally like uh if you haven't seen it don't search for it's mostly hopefully taken care of

Starting point is 01:04:10 people were doing animals and blenders oh man dude fuck dude twitter has turned and what the fuck because because twitter did a new thing with like every video auto plays. So you just be scrolling and even worse, Twitter was auto filling searches. So you'd be like, Oh, I want to see a cat and be like cat. And then it would auto fill your search for you after that. And it was just,

Starting point is 01:04:36 dude, it was bad. It's all Twitter. Unfortunately, it's turned into the wild west because, because the, the things that get the most engagement not necessarily good engagement the most engagement disturbing are controversial posts well it's

Starting point is 01:04:50 figuring out the ai to base it because right now it's all algorithmic terrible day i got divorced i just want to see some kittens kitten oh god literally dude and then you're just like hey because ai i'm assuming that's what they're doing and now they're gonna it's all algorithm based yeah it's ai algorithm based ai right now like twitter went from a place that was generally you know sure porn was allowed there that was kind of why it was cool though because only fans creators or people who are more in that rated r section uh could could post things about that of yeah because please i don't know if that actually is against you say cocaine 14 times whatever oh you can say you can say that okay so keep that you just can't

Starting point is 01:05:36 say the like pandemic stuff that's where we get flagged the most well that one we're actually we're now we really yeah we've done full episodes talking about it now Now we're good I honestly didn't even say pandemic I didn't want y'all to have to No, dude, I'm deadass Really? No, we're trying to fucking figure out Almost out of our 105 episodes

Starting point is 01:05:57 We've had probably 15, 10 But not in the last Our last 30 Our last like 10, 20 have been the last, the last few, our last like 10, 20 have been totally clear. And we go hard. Like that's the, no idea what's why it is.

Starting point is 01:06:11 They're like, yeah, do whatever you want. And we're like, but we had a period of like 10 episodes where it was like, if we said the word pandemic, Corona, whatever,

Starting point is 01:06:20 we bleeped it out and we started saying gingivitis. Oh, that's funny. We just, we just we just changed the word but now it doesn't matter again and then um yeah that's oh yeah we still cannot yeah yeah yeah we can't do that the ryan reynolds uh or our favorite movie yeah can't say that really no that because it's a pool for who's going to oh man dude legit we had a board everything we couldn't because we're like it's gonna happen eventually who's

Starting point is 01:06:53 it gonna be and i started deep diving i was like buddy uh this is why we're getting flagged and it was literally every episode we talked about that because we're like which one's about our favorite ryan reynolds movie where he wears a red mask that we can't say anymore it's like on on my on my facebook reels i started popping off on my because my instagram tiktok's where i like initially blew up and it kind of came over to instagram and it took me forever to get the the facebook one correct but i figured i was 9 by 16 on the reels and all that shit yeah i got it going and i was making like dude off of just ad reel like ads on reels and shit alone. I was making like eight grand a month. And then I applied for that partner monetization where they

Starting point is 01:07:30 like, and once I did that, they're super strict. They stopped doing everything. And I went through all my videos and I found two that had like copyright music thing that I just had music in the background and they were the only ones flagged. So I took them off. Still know it's profanity. I'll say like, I'm going to put your mom's lady parts in an absolute bind. And that is,

Starting point is 01:07:50 I cannot make money on Facebook anymore. Dude, Facebook meta, that's why we don't even give two shits. We haven't done even, I think we have a Facebook account. I haven't made a single post. There's no point. Do you make money on Twitter like that

Starting point is 01:08:04 with your reels and stuff like that? You can. So Twitter monetization is opened up. You used to be able to. I had subscriptions on Twitter for probably six months or a year before the Elon change. Now they're opening up to a lot more people.

Starting point is 01:08:17 Everybody's getting, you can get subscriptions on Twitter. But can you like, is it a- Ad creator monetization for videos? Yes. Do you have to be invited to it? do you have to be invited to it like because you have to be invited to it on Instagram like the bonus reel yes but most people

Starting point is 01:08:30 are getting it yeah they got rid of that well they got rid of the bonus reel thing on Facebook and IG now did they okay well fuck okay Facebook so what were they were doing well I guess I'm gonna create one of those you know OFs YouTube's and one of those OFs I actually got hit up by a creator

Starting point is 01:08:45 company that wants to run mine so yeah i mean there's so and this goes for all you fucking people out there there's multiple ways online meta is the one i would not suggest for it's hard to make dying money every every meta like gaming streamer their contracts are about to expire you ain't gonna see any renewed guys. Guess what? Stream bed is gaming. Y'all do pretty well on Twitch. Do you Twitch?

Starting point is 01:09:09 That's my full-time job. That's what I do. Like, if we're not this, I do Twitch. I know Caleb. Caleb does the Twitch and does, and I was thinking about, man, let me get on that. But, because I,

Starting point is 01:09:16 I just play on PlayStation 5. I don't have one of the big badass computers, but I used to mine crypto and we had a lot of, No shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I made a fuck ton. I made off of one coin called Theta, which is like a utility token.

Starting point is 01:09:28 It's for like video streaming and like Theta TV and shit like that. I got in at like $1.40 and I sold it at like $15 prior to the AFC and then I made about $80K off the AFC shit. No shit! I got $9 on that and sold it at $61. Holy shit! Dang, my boy! but i used to actually mind ethereum and yeah okay i know we get it we i saw we had we had a we had a contract to buy

Starting point is 01:09:53 130 80s prior to the pandemic and i'm fucking glad we did not because at that time shit they were like it was popping off and then they dropped they were like 2200 a car and then they dropped way down yeah watch this reaction everyone i sold a hundred bitcoin or a thousand bit i had a thousand bitcoin i sold it for 48 000 dude i would do you like living in indiana i mean what in the fuck i mean but who who was there was one guy that sold 2010 so we had no idea what i bought i bought bitcoin at eight dollars so i had we had no we were just fucking with the currency at the time we had no idea what it was idea the scale any of that was going so when we like i made my 40 grand i

Starting point is 01:10:47 was like fucking you made it yeah i was like dog made it and then it popped and then it dropped down to like five bucks and we were like peace out called that shit hell yeah bros and then fast forward to i and i know i know the fucking moment because i can remember it fucking tim walking upstairs at my new roommate's house. This is like two years later. Walking up. He's like, you ever heard of Bitcoin? I was like, yeah, I have.

Starting point is 01:11:11 I fucking cashed out on the business. He's like, oh, you got lucky. How many coins do you have? I was like, like a thousand. He's like, man, it's at $750 a coin right now. I was like, wait, pull up the news. What's the news say right now about Bitcoin? they're like and he pulled it up he's like it's 750 dollars i was like oh my lord i got 48 dollars so much money

Starting point is 01:11:34 dude it's the only time in my life where i was like i honestly wish i could have seen you in that moment oh man do fast forward and then 10 years later it's like it's 60 grand a coin dude a coin well didn't someone like sell it for a pizza too a thousand no it was they sold 2 000 bitcoins for a single oh no it was 10 000 it was like 2 000 bitcoins for a single. Oh, no. It was 10,000. It was like 2,000 Bitcoins for a single pizza. Dude, this is back when Fires of Heaven. Shout out to you beautiful people. This is his online forum. Yeah, this is where I learned about this shit back in 2009, 2010.

Starting point is 01:12:19 So like Fadar and all these guys, this is what everyone was talking about. They're like, yo, you heard of this fucking dumbass crypto? We just bought it. I was like, yo, fucking whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Again, this is like 13 years ago. So no one gave a fuck. No one knew what it was going to be. No.

Starting point is 01:12:35 And then people are like, people are buying pizzas. Then you just fast forward a couple of years. Then you fast forward a decade. I was like, oh, I'm a dumb, dumb. This is the first time my soul's actually hurt in life and it was it's always gonna hurt this is the one yeah that's the i i goofed forever thought i super goofed i don't i didn't goof as much as losing the fucking hard drive because as freddy says freddy's like you made 40 grand right i? I was like, yeah. And it was a good time. I needed that 40 grand.

Starting point is 01:13:07 I don't know, way like 40 million. Yeah, way better. You know what? You're going to move to Scottsdale. 40 million to Scottsdale, dude. Yeah, I'd have been like, 40 mil, way better. Dude, you got none of these claws? Dude, we got you.

Starting point is 01:13:18 That's kind of what I want, dude. That's kind of better than, yeah, dude. I'll do one of those claws then. Wait, no, I'll do one beer ski for my boy. Yeah, I had something similar to that. For some reason, I'm blanking on the name of the company. But a guy that I worked with, his little daughter got sick, and she had like a respiratory infection, and they went to the doctor,

Starting point is 01:13:40 and they kind of told him, hey, there's really no, you know, the antibiotics. There's really no antibiotic for you. You have to take kind of over-the-counter drugs. Yep. But this company is working on, because a lot of the, it's common in toddlers that they get this like respiratory infections. It's like, there's a, there's this company that's actually working and partnered with Johnson & Johnson at the moment. That's like developing something strictly for these toddlers so they can. And he's like, man, I bought a bunch of stock into it.

Starting point is 01:14:05 Cause he like, they're in like the phase two clinical trials with the FDA. And so I was like, wow, look at it. I think I got into like, right at like a dollar, $52. And I held it and it kind of went, and this is prior to spot six months prior to the pandemic. And they release these things at stocks, these holdings every three months. And it tells you all the big companies. And there's people like BlackRock, JP Morgan, like these big, like, firm firms.

Starting point is 01:14:30 Like Fortune 500 companies, like investment firms are in this dollar med stock like this. And I'm like that looking back now, like knowing what I know about, I'm like, why is there, that's, they're usually blue chip stocks all day long. And when COVID shit started taking off they pivoted from the respiratory thing to a vaccinate like a vaccine right and dude like over the course of a week it went from like a dollar fifty to eleven bucks so I sold I made like 20 grand but by the end of it by the height of it I think they got up to like

Starting point is 01:15:01 180 dollars a share and I was like what the fuck and i was like that's i don't want to say everything's pointing around but i was just like you know why are they holding that much you know holding like 20 30 of the company yeah and in and it's a dollar 50 you know like that doesn't make that's not a sound investment on their end you would think but you know i don't know so a lot of those times when it plays out, you're like, this isn't making sense. Oh, yeah. Whatever one you want. But if smart people are doing it, I'm going to do it also.

Starting point is 01:15:32 Yes. Yeah. I follow a guy on TikTok and he does basically like he just looks into like what politicians are buying and where they sit on certain councils on the board. And he also did one the other day about he took you know kramer mad money the guy that does stocks like that he did the opposite what kramer has done for the past five years and he outperformed the s&p 500 by like fucking almost 400 percent like didn't like bought instead of selling or selling when he was supposed to buy kramer said and completely made like a like way more return than anything

Starting point is 01:16:06 kramer's ever fucking said and i was like dude information nowadays and like so dude it's crazy it's fucking nuts bro one of my the only time going to my college my one semester high school dropout fucking hate school i did my one semester and i had business 101 or whatever it was that was the one thing uh our this was for stock shares like all that and our professor said hey if you were getting into this just realize they did this test where they hired the the top the the best people to project what is going to make the most money and then they hired another team to spin a fucking wheel and throw a dart at a thing to say who they're investing in today. And those guys won the competition on who made more return at the end.

Starting point is 01:16:57 It is a lot of the time a fucking guessing game. It's like this team won and they did it for a year. Here's the statistics. We had to do a breakdown on it. It was fucking crazy. I don't fuck with stocks. I don't fuck with crypto. Not even a little bit. What do you invest in, bud?

Starting point is 01:17:14 Not with that shit. In itself. In that body of shit. In D&D and Pokemon cards. Pokemon cards. That's where my investments go. Which is also worth a lot of money. Yeah, a lot of money. I'm into the trading cards, sports cards.

Starting point is 01:17:30 Okay. Dude, in July, last July, I bought my first hobby box. Yeah. Optic hobby box. And buddy I was working with, he was real big into it. And he had like a broker that got him at wholesale. So we got it for $1,300. He's two packs. First one we opened, we made not even half our into it, and he had like a broker that got him at wholesale. So we got it for $1,300, these two packs.

Starting point is 01:17:48 First one we opened, we made not even half our money back. And he's like, come on. I mean, he's already got his last box. We're ripping it live. That's the work board. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Work board. And we pulled a one-of-one Trevor Lawrence on-card gold vinyl auto

Starting point is 01:17:58 that at the time was probably worth like $60,000, $70,000, but we held it. And he had that playoff game to it. So now Golden, the auction company, has it in in their vault and it goes into auction in August. And there's like, just pay like a hundred to like $110,000. I'll make off that one card. Dude,

Starting point is 01:18:13 it's nuts. I, yeah. And I know I have first edition cards like that. I threw away or. Oh, I didn't want to think about it. Think about all the,

Starting point is 01:18:20 I found a, a, a mad champ, mad chop first edition, but it's all, it's all predicated on the grade, too. Your PSA and all that shit. If it's not a 10, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter.

Starting point is 01:18:29 Like a 9, sure, you can make a couple hundred bucks, but unless it's a 10- Unless it's a 10. A gym mint, yeah, it's just not the same. I think back about 90- Man, this was mid-90s. This is- I remember my buddy bought Black Lotus for 80 bucks.

Starting point is 01:18:44 Stop it. Oh! He was at buddy bought Black Lotus for $80. Stop it. He was a sealed Black Lotus. Like, he had a fucking glass case, and he had a mock card, and this was 90s. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I spent like $100 on this card. I look back, and I'm like, I wonder if he still has that fucking card to this day. Because he kept it fucking mint.

Starting point is 01:19:05 My one goal at this point in my life is to own a Black Lotus. I don't care if it's a heavily played damaged. Just to have it. I'm going to have a Black Lotus because I play Magic the Gathering. I play a lot to be honest and I'm going to have one. I'm going to put it in a deck. It's technically illegal

Starting point is 01:19:22 now, but if you own a Black Lotus, one of my friends can tell me I can't play that. Fuck i would i'm oh i didn't know it's illegal to play in a game i didn't know it's a powerful card it is it's a broken card and that's why if you pull that in your first hand you're the curve that you are so far ahead of everybody it's hard to come back i've never actually played it but i was fascinated by that game it's so in depth it's unreal imagine this you have a normal gameplay you're like okay i have three islands i have three turns to put each island down you're gonna do one per turn yeah well you get to play one card per turn so then i tap your resource so then i have my mana or my resource so then i have

Starting point is 01:20:00 like one mana two mana three manners after three turns or black lotus costs nothing zero yeah and then you get three mana instantly so you have in one turn you like here's three mana now you can cast whatever creature card and you're like what the fuck are you talking about it's a very no that's because i played yugioh for a little while oh dude i was a big yugioh player back in my day okay you. You guys, you know, per turn, every turn you get an extra, I don't remember what the resource in Yu-Gi-Oh was,

Starting point is 01:20:28 but you get an extra one resource, basically. Okay. To cast or to do whatever. I don't remember. This is an instant. Sorry, it was summon. Summon.

Starting point is 01:20:36 This is an instant three summon for no cost. So you're like, I put it down like this. And if you get that early game, like those first few turns in an early game of magic are nothing but what's called ramping like everybody's like one one one it's just people

Starting point is 01:20:50 getting their board sets ready when you get that three out the gate yeah which generally means four because you can do your normal turn and your normal resource to come back from like a to to go against somebody who's four resources ahead of you early game. Yeah, I know you're fucked. Yeah. So like in that game, what's the rarity of the Black Lotus per pack or per box? Is it like a case hit? One right now will sell for 1.5 million.

Starting point is 01:21:18 Oh, so it's extremely rare. So they were only printed in 95, 96, I believe, or 94, 95 in the alpha and beta versions of magic the gathering before the game went to full like release yeah so this is alpha beta so the game's nice shit so we're talking 1995 yeah you're getting like you're you're first off the line not even fucking mainstream so even now when you're opening like the beta and alpha decks technically because they weren't packs back then they They were, it was a deck of cards. When you're opening those,

Starting point is 01:21:46 you had one rare hit and that was your Lotus case hit. Yeah. And even then the odds of hitting a Lotus is yeah. Oh, cause even because there was uncommons and there was really bad rares and, Oh God, I've watched so many breaks of, if you want one,

Starting point is 01:22:01 you know, there's a, do you know what a pack of fucking say that alpha bell that like an unopened right out of the pack i'm gonna look i don't know yeah half a mil no no no because i know i know a box a box of a box of first edition the original pokemon like the first 150 yep like a box of that is like 30 grand. And that's like. Minimum. Minimum. Minimum. These are like 50. But you know, you can weigh, you can weigh the first editions.

Starting point is 01:22:30 Oh, you're a nerd. Now, when it comes to cards, boys. Because we didn't have a lot. We didn't get it. We didn't have a lot of like gaming systems when I was young, but we had cards. You know what I'm saying? Your boy could, he could do it all.

Starting point is 01:22:41 So, so, Alpha Magic was, you're looking at 52. Then they can go up. It was like 50. If you want one of the best YouTube videos on the internet is a guy cracking an alpha. This is years ago. Hopefully, he kept it. He cracked an alpha. He's like, this case is worth a lot.

Starting point is 01:23:01 Today, we're cracking an alpha. He has his gloves on. He's opening it. He's shuff case is worth a lot today. We're cracking an alpha. He has his gloves on he's opening it He's shuffling through the cards. He's like, well we get the fabled black and he pulls it. It's a he turns it around It's a fucking he loses it. He almost drops it, right? Any freaks cuz he got the card Is this open boosters Whatever that guy is. It was the most hilarious's like, is this open boosters? Oh,

Starting point is 01:23:25 whatever that guy is. It was the most hilarious reaction. Cause it's probably open boosters. I've seen him. So a singular pack. So right now I can't even find one listed for an alpha box, but a pack, uh,

Starting point is 01:23:35 like, which is, uh, how many cards? 12 in it. Or is it more than that? Um, of magic,

Starting point is 01:23:41 the gathering, a beta pack sealed. Oh, it's just, I love this. Either way, it's going a beta pack, sealed. Oh, it's just, oh, I love this. Either way, it's going for $35,000. And open? Unopened. Just a sealed beta pack, which unfortunately.

Starting point is 01:23:53 It's a pack, not a deck. No, yeah, it's just one pack out of the box. And that's with a chance for a Lotus. How much those fucking cards? Dude, like Lotus is like, as of right now. Should we pull our money together, dude? What do you guys want on this Saturday? You can get a heavily played, almost

Starting point is 01:24:09 damaged on the corners Black Lotus for $12,000. That's how much that card in the worst condition is worth. Wow. That's why my videos, I was showing the stream the other day, my unopened set, and they're like, why do you have these unopened video games? I'm like, God.

Starting point is 01:24:25 Didn't you hear that shit crashed real bad? Huh? The video, like sealed video games crashed real bad. I know. The market was scammed pretty bad. Really? My games are still worth because I have the, mine are good.

Starting point is 01:24:39 We just checked. Eli's good to go. Okay. Because I have the, I bought mine in 2000. So I have legitimate sealed copies of PlayStation 1 games. So you remember PlayStation 1, like the silver tabs and all that shit? World of Warcraft Collector's Edition. All those, I've never opened.

Starting point is 01:24:59 I just bought them and put them up. Put them up. Oh, that's smart. Put them up. Back in early 90s and 2000s. Like, eh, military. I just started doing that. I was like, I don't care.

Starting point is 01:25:07 Yeah. Those fucking games right now are worth. Like Xenogears, which is spent $80 for a sealed one back in the day. I was like, man, $80. That's worth at minimum a grand looking to five grand. Yeah. Like, yeah, you're good good and then world of warcraft's 30 grand i know the the the zelda on super nintendo one of those sealed is fucking it's

Starting point is 01:25:34 absurd bro i wish i had i went to a pond or not a pile there's a little video game store in fucking uh new bronsville's i forget the name i went there about a year ago. And I just bought damn near every Nintendo 64 game that you can buy. Oh, my God. I still- We played Drink and Drive Mario Kart. We're going to have people over there. That's one of my favorite games! Why are we doing that now?

Starting point is 01:25:53 Why do we have to hook up now? We can do that live stream. Dude. Yeah. We used to meet my buddies. We called Drunk Drive. Drunk Drive and Drink and Drive. And you could not cross the finish line.

Starting point is 01:26:03 Until you finish your beer. And you could not drink the beer while you were moving. So you had to. So that's the gameplay. You had to. What I do is like. You got to either at the start fucking slam that motherfucker or when you wreck. And you're getting pulled out of the ice by the little goddamn fishing hook, man.

Starting point is 01:26:17 You got to be slamming, dude. Luke is grabbing me. It was for us. We always did per lap. It was a beer per lap. Y'all are fucking animals. Jesus Christ. So you'd have to finish your beer by the time you got to the finish line because if you cross the finish line without finishing beer guess what you got another fuck because we were always drinking high life coors light yeah so if you cross the fucking finish line

Starting point is 01:26:37 before you finished you got extra coors tack to your fucking total so you'd have to stop before you finish your lap and you'd be finishing your beer. You'd be, we'd usually, what we do is we'd chug at the start. We'd cross the finish line, chug the next one and we just keep going. But have you ever noticed, and it's not as bad on Mario Kart,

Starting point is 01:26:56 but it's fucking terrible on GoldenEye. Like if you, if you, if you fucking play it now, if you play that Nintendo 64 and you hook up those comp cables in the back of the LCD TV screen and you try to play it, you damn near throw up. I almost threw up. Your eyes are like.

Starting point is 01:27:11 But you know why it is? The TVs that they made back in the 90s. They are teasers. And I saw a video that they show the difference in why. I'm like, dude, holy shit. So you have to buy a fucking. You got to buy an old tube. I got to play it at my mom's house.

Starting point is 01:27:24 You know what I'm saying? Yeah, the interlacing is what fucks it's fucking bad dude like i was like just how do we play this no but then i'm like okay it wasn't that bad what's the same reason when we were playing those old games and you'd be like look at the graphics this is life change remember when halo dropped oh my god you were looking at the the models. Like, you'd see a Hunter show up on the screen. You'd be like, I'm going to die. This is the end of the world for me. And now you look at the old school Hunter model, and you're like, that is poo-poo garbage. There's 12 fucking pixels and four polygons.

Starting point is 01:27:55 Yeah. What the fuck? Wayne Gretzky Hockey 64. Oh, yeah. What is that? Look at the old Madden games. No, Wayne Gretzky Hockey 64. Or Blitz.

Starting point is 01:28:04 Oh, my God, Blitz. Dropkick. Just fucking take out the receiver before he even gets the fucking ball. Like, oh man. Wayne Gretzky hockey was the one I was like, they'll never surpass these graphics now. Yeah. My parents asked if I was watching a hockey game.

Starting point is 01:28:19 I am pretty sure this is as good as it gets. Fast forward 20 years and they're like, I was like like fuck me this is the curve of graphics is gone it's over the last five years skyrocket and it's only gonna get fucking better with the insane wait okay wait wait hold on okay i'll give you this before i forget go because you're talking about halo and I remember when that fucking game came out. And I remember the first pair of boobs I ever seen. Cortana's fat-ass titties?

Starting point is 01:28:51 No, no, no. It was a chick that was tutoring me in math. And she'd come over to my house. And we had just finished tutoring. I was like, oh, you want to check out the new Halo game? Blah, blah, blah. And then we start making out. Literally as an ass-living boy. You want to play Halo? Yeah, I mean, we're just hanging out. You're making out with your blah and then like we start making out and literally as an ass little boy you want to play you want to play halo yeah i mean we're just hanging out

Starting point is 01:29:07 no we're like making out like she was like two or three years older than me not much like i think i was like i was like eighth grade i believe or seventh grade when it came out i can't remember all those bumps your mom was giving you it probably was but we had this we had the start screen on and it's oh and when she pulled out her boobs, it was that fucking song. And to this day, every time I hear that song, I just think about those big old titties

Starting point is 01:29:31 that I saw for the first time. It was fucking incredible. I'm like, I know the music and it's going to live with me forever. And I'm trying to be, I wish I could associate tits with that piece. It's awesome, dude.

Starting point is 01:29:40 You see that big halo and those titties just flop around. I go, what is happening? What is life? Life is good. I loved it, dude. Your life is a porn. Dude, dude. You see that big halo in those titties just flopper. I go what's happening? What is life? Is good. I loved it. Your life is a porn. Oh, yeah, can I teach you some math? Yeah. Yeah This Tupac is cutting it. Can you put on something more sexy? I got you. Yeah, dude. Hit on the fucking giant boss. The Duke's power figure.

Starting point is 01:30:10 God, it was great. Red rings eight times. You're still like, I got this, babe. Just hold on. She's like, actually, I really don't want to play that game. Look over this way. And I'm like, whatever. So, John, I got this battle. Master Chief! You got my six and go in!

Starting point is 01:30:29 Fucking crap! We love childhood. It's my favorite thing in the goddamn world. It's awesome, dude. Are you down to play D&D from time to time? We're about to start a new D&D campaign. Yeah, but you got to like, I don't know how often you're supposed to play, but them boys play like every week, every Sunday,

Starting point is 01:30:51 and they're like in it, in it. And it's like, it's an investment. So what we're going to be doing is a week and a month because we're going to do four episodes a month. So every Sunday an episode is going to come out. Ideal. So it'll be, I'd say we'll we'll do four hours four hours of recording saturday sundays ideally let's say we record fucking

Starting point is 01:31:13 eight hours a month for dnd baddie's like but eli's wrong and everything he's saying but we're gonna let him go wait for two hours per episode. Right? No. Still no. You keep saying two hours. It's not two hours. How long? It's going to be three hours at least. I've never played a D&D game less than three hours in my life.

Starting point is 01:31:34 Who's going to be the story master? It's me. It's what I do. Nice, man. That's what I do. You got to have a good one, dude. The director has to edit that in. But no. Okay no okay three hours i don't give a fuck the time does not matter true it is we're getting four pieces of content a month but when we rotate

Starting point is 01:31:54 and guess let's say your your fine self comes in we will then rotate you in for an npc not an npc but like you'd be you'd just be a character. That's it. We got to go get your, your wife died. We have to save. Can I be a wood elf? Yes. A chick wood elf. Yes.

Starting point is 01:32:12 Let me hear your voice. He's got a goat. It's better than everything Eli's ever done. I'm just going to talk in, in light screen. In light screen. I'll need a translator with me. I'll have a translator with me. It'll be incredible. It'll be Jack Mandible. Yeah. Jack Mandible will be your translator with me. I'll have a translator with me.

Starting point is 01:32:25 It'll be perfect. Edible. It'll be Jack Mandel. Yeah. Jack Mandel will be with your translator. God. How you doing? I love that dude so much.

Starting point is 01:32:32 I love Jack so much. He's so goddamn good, dude. Jack, you're beautiful. Jack is the one that was supposed to be on with you today. Uh-uh. I canceled. No. He heard you were coming.

Starting point is 01:32:40 He bailed. He's like, fuck that guy. Well, that happens. Nah. He had a prior. Actually, Jack. Well well you'd have to do a second one we don't want to take up your time jack said if he has time i will i will drive up there right now to be on a second episode with you jack i'm supposed to go to black rifle people's place after this they live right down the road uh you thought it's not what time is it it? We'll pay you.

Starting point is 01:33:05 Oh, yeah. How long? We've been here, whatever. Man, we just had a good, I didn't even feel like to. We've been, damn, boys. It's over and out. We're just rolling here.

Starting point is 01:33:13 That's how podcasts should be, my friend. We have this down to a science. I mean, they're not doing steaks until six. You're good then. Yeah, tell them to come on three-five. We'll drink a couple more beers. It gives a shit. All right.

Starting point is 01:33:23 Let us know, man. I'm going to have to pee. I don't like to pee during podcasts. I got you right here. Ready? Thank you for watching this is right podcast. As always, we have Eli, Double Tap, myself, Batty Streams, and our beautiful, powerful, strong, hopefully a great credit score, wonderful with crypto, Uncle Laser.

Starting point is 01:33:40 Everybody, Uncle Laser, where can everybody find you if they're looking to find all your awesome fucking content so Instagram uncle underscore Lazer Uncle Lazer fucking Facebook

Starting point is 01:33:51 I got a YouTube channel just started I got a new podcast I just started we're on episode 11 called My Drunk Uncle's Podcast I love that Uncle Lazer

Starting point is 01:33:59 and Bobby Flacco just a couple guys talking shit I got a TV show that'll be dropping next Sunday what? we did it all out of pocket

Starting point is 01:34:10 we paid for ourselves we're actually looking for some kind of sponsors or donations right now just to help in the back end of editing and shit it's called The People You Know so think about dirty jobs of Mike Rowe but it's with three comedians like one episode we go to a wrestling school in Bryan College Station.

Starting point is 01:34:26 I get chokeslammed by a seven footer. I love this. We take a bunch of mushrooms at the Renaissance Festival, make knives out of fucking horseshoes. It's incredible. There's a got a promo clip of it on my Instagram YouTube page right now. Yeah. People, you know, drops next Sunday is our first episode. Holy shit.

Starting point is 01:34:41 Fuck yeah. Yeah. It's going to be cool. I'm really excited. Like when you first you first film something like that you're kind of like gotta like really take a step back

Starting point is 01:34:48 and be like yo if this wasn't me or one of my friends in it would I actually watch it yeah and I felt like we need to approach it like that do episodes like that

Starting point is 01:34:56 okay and I was like dude cause it's basically just real quick synopsis is me I'm mullet but

Starting point is 01:35:03 and my other buddy that lives with me Dean Stanfield he's my brother with a mullet but he's more like a Fox'm mullet but and my other buddy that lives with me dean stanfield he's my brother with a mullet but he's more like a fox news mullet i'm more like cops damn our daddy and my daddy my daddy meets this woman in missouri and she's got a a baby daughter who's 26 she's also comic my girl uh bianca my baby sister she's like this damsel in distress doesn't know how to hunt fish take mushrooms do anything so it's all us three just traveling throughout texas doing we kill geese we fucking fish but like we're just talking shit the whole time to one another and like it's it's it's a cool

Starting point is 01:35:34 dynamic i can't really explain it's just called the people you know this is amazing yeah that is dude that is it's gonna be i'll show y'all the i'll show the promo here in a second it's pretty sweet all right thank y'all for having me though don't check out our boy all right I'll show you all the pro show the promo here in a second sweet. All right. Thank you for having me though We'll see you on the after show We do it we do like a patreon after show till 1015 after but in between that we all go touch ourselves in the bathroom We'll see you on the next one.

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