Unsubscribe Podcast - 128 - THE AUTISM TEST ft. AJ Wilkerson, Brandon Herrera & Jack Mandaville - Unsubscribe Podcast

Episode Date: October 21, 2023

AUTISTIC FRIENDS!!! (we like trains) FOLLOW OUR FRIENDS!! AJ Wilkerson: https://www.ajwilkerson.com https://www.instagram.com/ajwilkersoncomedy Brandon: https://www.youtube.com/@BrandonHerrera Jack: https://www.instagram.com/jackmandaville ------------------------------ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS SHEATH Go to https://www.sheathunderwear.com and use promo code UNSUBSCRIBE for twenty percent off your order. GHOST BED Right now GhostBed is offering 40% off everything if you use the code –UNSUBSCRIBE at checkout or https://www.GhostBed.com/Unsubscribe HELLO FRESH Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/50unsubscribe and use code 50UNSUBSCRIBE for 50% off plus FREE SHIPPING! MANSCAPED Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with code UNSUB at https://www.manscaped.com ------------------------------ OUR MERCH: https://www.bunkerbranding.com/pages/unsubscribe-podcast JOIN THE PATREON NOW: https://www.patreon.com/UnsubscribePodcast WE HAVE A SUBREDDIT??? https://www.reddit.com/r/UNSUBSCRIBEpodcast/ CHECK OUT https://outofregz.com/ CODE: UNSUB http://gfuel.com/discount/baddie CODE: BADDIE ------------------------------ WHERE TO LISTEN Spotify https://spoti.fi/2Ye8YOU Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/3cbqY4k Amazon https://amzn.to/2YbzQia Google Play https://bit.ly/2YcWmaD Stitcher https://bit.ly/3cbnY8o MORE LINKS! https://linktr.ee/UnsubscribePodCast ------------------------------ Follow the Cast of Unsubscribe -Baddie- @BaddieStreams https://www.twitch.tv/baddie https://twitter.com/BaddieStreams https://www.instagram.com/baddiestreams/ https://www.youtube.com/baddiestreams -Eli_Doubletap- @EliDoubletap https://www.instagram.com/eli_doubletap/ https://www.twitch.tv/Eli_Doubletap https://twitter.com/Eli_Doubletap https://www.youtube.com/c/EliDoubletap ------------------------------ Edited by GVAN https://www.twitch.tv/gvan11b https://www.instagram.com/gvan11b/ https://twitter.com/GVAN_CC unsubscribe pod podcast episode ep unsub funny comedy military army comedian texas podcasts #podcast #comedy #funnypodcast #military #gaming Chapters: 0:00 Welcome to Unsub 5:31 Jack Got Shot 14:36 AJ'S Military Experience 19:07 AUTISM 32:56 Logan W Dillon Fight 38:37 NERD STUFF 41:44 Method Actors 46:18 How AJ Became A Comedian 53:39 Undiagnosed Autism 57:45 Veteran Comedy 1:01:10 Brandon's Embarrassing Story 1:06:50 History Stories Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Robert Todd Lincoln, the son of President Abraham Lincoln sitting, crowd surged as the train was coming in and he got pushed off the platform. He's literally seconds away from getting smashed by this train. Out of the blue, right as he's about to get smacked and die from this train, this hand comes down, grabs him, and launches him up from the train platform and saves his life. He recognized who it was right away. He was one of the most famous actors from one of the most famous acting families in America. It was...

What do you think now? Yeah, you'll lose me. There's a screen in the room. Like, wow, you know, I've never been to Peru. Yeah, fucking doing baseball. Doing lung eagles, no. Yeah? Fucking doing baseball. I'm doing lung kegels, dude. You got three of those? You got three of those?

I know. Wait, what are lung kegels? Yeah. You know, I'm just, you know, just stringing them up. Look, look. I just like, he sat down. The lungs are so strong. He sat down.

He just sat down and looked into the camera. What did you say? I'm doing lung kegels. Oh, earlier with the hat? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He sat down. He just sat down and look into the camera. What did you say? I'm doing lung Kegels. No. Oh, earlier with the hat. Yeah. Oh yeah.

I said, I look like Paddington bear. If he was from Panama beach, the bucket hat. Great. I'm just thinking like, like, it's racially ambiguous.

That guy's fucking ridiculous. okay there we go finally i'm like oh my god and we got mr jack up. Ready? Everyone, get your cans up. We put it right here by the mic. Everyone knows the set. Three, two, one. Wow, that was really synchronized. That was perfect. And then Jack just. Jack, that's how he drinks.

You'll get used to it. That's the whole episode. You think it's a bit, it's not. Welcome to the Unsubscribe Podcast. We are joined with the beautiful Brandon, the gorgeous Jack, and then our brand new friend, AJ Wilkerson.

Oh, we get beautiful and gorgeous and then. Okay. You're the fucking new guy, so you know, hey. Paddington Bear has joined the fucking podcast. Our comedian hero slash veteran slash autistic autism you've described like four people who've been on this podcast it's everyone sitting at the table right now we're still stuck on who i'm talking about i'm not a veteran got a hero a a veteran, an autistic comedian. And a veteran.

The only spectrum I'm on is my cable plan, man. God damn it. I hate spectrum so much. We'll just go on that rant right off the bat. I fucking hate spectrum. We just start bitching about that. Oh, Jesus Christ. Hi, beautiful guys. Thank you for all joining.

This is like a random amalgamation of people right now. This was the last minute we had to toss this together so but we've had AJ planned for how long like a month month yeah and weirdly

enough I watched your content I was like oh that guy's a veteran I found that out like two days before when we

were talking like oh yeah military is like you I was in the kiss army never missed a show hell yeah dude

I was I mean I was kind of in the same thing like I was in the KISS Army. Never missed a show. Hell yeah, dude. I was, I mean, I was kind of in the same thing. Like, I was National Guard, so. Oh, yeah. Same, same. That's basically the KISS Army, dude. Because we were talking about, I want to know more on your experience. Also, leading up to one of my favorite stories last night was you trying to prove you weren't autistic, so you went and did a test to get it misdiagnosed. Oh, yeah oh yeah yeah yeah

i was like that's okay yeah so uh you joined what 2006 seven uh yeah joined 2006 seven uh basic training fort uh jackson south carolina then ait here uh fort sam houston for six months and then off to fort stewart to go work like the actual hospital, do like the clinical side of x-ray technician. Yeah. So you are 60. A lot bones. 68 Papa. Yeah.

68. But we have an actual person that scored high on a ASVAB test. Oh, I scored high as fuck. Weird. Higher than you are right now. Uh, close. Close. Yeah.

That might be the tism. No, man. No. I, uh, I scored a 97 On my ASVAB No shit yeah What's the top Jack you know this No I didn't you know how I passed the ASVAB I actually did serve in the military as well

And the KISS army I retreaded We had I don't know in the state I grew up in They forced you to take the ASVAB It was like They come to your high school and, they forced you to take the ASVAB. It wasn't, it was like a, they come to your high school and all the boys got to take the ASVAB. And I just wasn't thinking about the military at that time.

So I was like, whatever. And I just checked C for every fucking box and I passed. Fucking seriously. Yeah. Oh God. I didn't even, I just went C,

C, C, C, C. I passed. Yep. Dude, they didn't even give him a test.

They were just like, here's just a blank sheet of paper. And I joined the infantry. And now you're a Marine. An ex-Marine. I'm an ex-Marine. Let's face it. I know people are offended by that statement, but I am an ex-Marine, okay?

Jack never changed. No, and that's what's crazy. I'm still more amazed that you just did C's, but this was during, this was pre-9-11 for you. Yeah, it was probably a year before 9-11. Yeah. If you want a good story, Jack got shot in basic training. I don't think I ever

heard that story. Yeah, well, I'll just put it this way. Like, by the end of my enlistment, the parking lot of the barracks was filled with Purple Heart license plates, and I went over there three times, not a scratch. I did get shot by another Marine at Camp Pendleton, though. Yeah. Have you never heard of this? No. Oh, my God, Jack.

This is one of my favorite Jack stories. Has this ever been on the podcast? No, we did a drunken debrief for it. No, you had me tell it last time. Go. Well, okay. Condense it. Condense it. I got shot. 518 to 20 year olds learning the saw for the first time in rainy weather and i always make it clear that this was before the these soi these infantry school

instructors it's before it became what's a b billet where it's like good for career and advancement back then they're just like oh you got like six months left go go babysit these hundreds of privates and um this is and for reference this is the people that like these are the dudes that did four years and they fucking hate the military and those are the people that they're like i'm just ready to fucking not be here and they're like go forge the minds of these children. Of the next generation. So they're like that Nazi captain at the end of fucking Jojo Rabbit. Like, dude, I don't fucking give a fuck. They're the high school chemistry teacher that retires at the end of the year.

They're like, just fucking watch the movie. I don't fucking care. They're 23-year-olds babysitting 18-year-olds. There's nothing. Being at the age I'm at now, that's still all pretty young. But yeah, we were doing squad rushes, shooting the guns, and we marched back. It was a Friday.

We marched. All of us marched back. It was going to be our first weekend out ever in Southern California. And we were just scrubbing those weapons as fast as we could to get him cleaning in the armory so we could go out and i'm on the barrel i'm tag teaming it like an eiffel tower with another guy well you got to remember so when they rod people off the range usually there's like a line and you go through and it's very organized and everyone's like boom hey drills aren't looks checks go next one and we

did that they just weren't checking And yeah, he took the buttstock off of the saw and he set the weapon down and that sent the charging hand Where were you again? I was standing at the end of the barrel and I had just dropped my my brush So I bent over my head right in front of the barrel and as I came back up and started scrubbing again boom thing went off and it tore through my arm. And I just stood there, and everyone's staring at me, and I see everyone staring at me. I'm processing what just happened.

And I just start going, Sergeant! Sergeant! And they come grab me. There's two NCOs that show up, and they're just holding me, looking at each other like, what happened? I don't know, dude. Oh, we fucked up. We had a conversation.

And I'm just standing there like, I'm good. Don't worry about it. And no, they tossed me in the ambulance, and they took me to the hospital and got me all sutured up, but didn't get done till like one in the morning. And I, I assumed everybody would have been cut loose at that time. So they bring me back to the, uh,

squad bays at one in the morning and everybody is sitting at the end on their little, uh, one of those things called where you put all your stuff in the footlocker. They're all sitting on their foot lockers and, uh, and, uh,

staring at me like it's my fucking fault uh that that guy shot me and um military as it gets yeah i was on the receiving end of the barrel if you don't recall and then they're reading off the list because if people fail written tests uh they have to redo it on a saturday morning uh they're reading off the list and i failed offensive patrolling i think it was and they go manneville and I'm still bleeding through the bandage, and I'm like, here for a sergeant. And he just looks at me and goes, you think you're getting out of the fucking test? No, for a sergeant.

So I had to go. The next day I had to go in there still bleeding, and I can't even bend my arm. I'm just putting in the bubbles, all Cs. I passed, though. Like you still did the message. But they pretty much let me pass. I didn't have to do any fitness tests after that or long hikes. They knew they fucked up.

And they knew I was just dumb and new enough not to like. Raise, escalate it. To escalate it. So they just quietly just let me pass without ever having to try again, which just set me up great for the Marine Corps. Yeah. That is as military as it gets. It's like, okay, we just keep this in-house.

Everyone, we keep this in-house, and we'll just move him along. I think his dad might have contact with his local representative. Yeah. Let's just pretend that the pass rate on all these multiple-choice exams is 25%. And we'll move from there. So basic training, yours is completely different from ours. Oh, yeah. When you guys were talking about cleaning the weapons and everything, I was like, how does that even happen?

Because everything was live fire during basic training. There's the fire barrels at the end. So you literally have to fire the weapon into a barrel of sand. So there's no possibility of that happening. So I'm just like, did everybody skip fire barrel day? What is happening, dude? Fire barrel day?

Never skip fire barrel day. Very important. I'm over here just wondering how the fuck you can accidentally have one round left in a saw. Oh, no, no. That's kind of mine. They found seven other saws with rounds lodged up in them. Did they just fucking rip the belts out?

Like, what the fuck? It was, like, rainy. I remember a super rainy day, and it was muddy. And people just probably were not paying attention to it. And this was, I think this was, like, November, December in Southern California. It gets fucking cold. Yeah. And everybody just wanted to get out of there.

Everybody just went full pencils down. So for people who don't know, the saw is an open bolt full auto, obviously squad automatic weapon with a belt feeding out of it. So it's like, alright, you lift the top cover, take the belt out. How the

fuck do you keep around in that gun? I don't know. Mud mud i have no idea that's oh yeah they were not getting clean that much other than like during that those segments i guarantee it was just like yeah there was nothing happening between a bunch of 19 year olds handling them for the first time this is when you're and you're just shooting blanks probably for like blanks in live rounds right um we were doing live that they were all live rounds yeah and look at it like when you're shooting on they will build mounds the same weapon platform will get used over and over and you're you're not talking like a thousand rounds you're talking about like tens of thousand yeah it's just

being fired that it's a smooth bore by the end yeah yeah oh yeah i don't know if it's still the case but back then we still had a lot of ammo left over from like vietnam that we were still burning through this was in the early 2000s well that good cat piss smell when you shoot that stuff yeah yeah do it be a mountain i i don't know if you did like the big range days were in the vehicles and you'd have like four day range days and everyone would shoot from the same spot on these like assaulting the objectives or any of that and it would be a a case like a hill of just 50 cal or five five six seven six two a like hill i'm not exaggerating it is a mountain you could slide down on brass and then you'd have to go pick it all up and sort it oh i fucking hate hey eli you want to help me thank one of

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Please stop talking about your twig and berries head over to sheath underwear calm use code unsubscribe for 20% off that sheath underwear calm code unsubscribe for 20% off Yeah, a lot of those days were like, you know All the ammunition needs to be expended like we're not taking any ammo out of here All this needs to be gotten rid of and a lot of friends of ours got rid of it this case is spent hasn't been opened yet the military can ruin anything and so even like yeah on days like that shooting machine guns it's like I don't even want to do this anymore I want to go home yeah one tree hill is on it's like the king of the Hill bit where he makes Bobby just smoke the cigarettes over and over again.

And he gets addicted to it. Oh, dang. God damn it, Bobby. He's like, I don't think I enjoy this anymore. And then, oh, so you did your military stint. You did with the x-ray. And then getting out, you're like, okay, I'm done with this. My favorite part, though, is you were at the VA. yeah so uh i get out basically yeah basically i end up separating

because i get i uh i have like a back problem i end up having to have a back surgery i start having like uh breathing problems which we find out it's like the barracks that we're staying in is like an old building that they put like overflow in and it's covered in mold and stuff never but i start having these like breathing like almost like asthma attacks but i've never had asthma before so now i'm having panic attacks about having breathing attacks that get so bad that i'm like blacking out and so they eventually they're just like hey you can't be here anymore so i get out uh i go home they eventually they're like okay you have like anxiety and depression and this other stuff and i was like okay cool and then a decade later uh

nurse at the cape coral va is like hey has anyone ever told you you might be autistic and i was like the fuck you said who the fuck starts a conversation that way? Yeah. And then she was like, no, like my nephew, like you have like seven of the same traits as him. And I was like, okay. So she gave me some resources. I took some online tests. And then I start seeing like stuff for ADHD. And I'm like, oh, okay.

So I'm not autistic. I have ADHD. I reached out to the University of Florida Center for Autism and Related Disabilities because it's the only place in Florida that can diagnose adults. And I was like, hey, I think I have ADHD, but all these tests keep saying I have autism.

I need to rule this out so I can get an ADHD diagnosis. They're like, yeah, come on in. They have me do all these additional tests. I come in for the observation appointment. They start going through my results, and 10 minutes into the appointment, the doctor's like, let me stop you right there. Guess what you got?

I bet when you were joining too, your recruiter knew. I'm not going to say a fucking thing. Recruiters love us, dude. We had this whole conversation last night. I can tell like watching your bits, you'd stim. I was like, the recruiter, you were like,

I would love to join. And they're like, this is an easy one. He's going to follow instructions through it to you. It's like, oh, I can't wait. I And they're like, this is an easy one. He's going to follow instructions through a tee. It's like, oh, I can't wait. Yeah. I bet you'd know how to properly clean a saw. Yeah. Dude, let him work around heavy equipment.

He's going to love it. That is legit. Do we have a department that handles trains? He saw my ASVAB scores and he's like, oh, we're going to love this little motherfucker. Dude. It was. The Battle of Ontario is on. Then FanDuel is your home for live betting the series with features like live SGPs,

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Please play responsibly. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. A hundred percent. Because we talked about this, like, because people ask me after shows, they're like, how are you in the army if you stim and you're autistic? And it's like, okay, I stim and like, I get worse in front of people

because of the anxiety of everyone being singled out. Right. In the army, you only get singled out if you're fucking up. Right. So like it's super easy to blend in and camouflage with everyone else. And if it's like like there's structure that's good for your brain. And then there's also the like if you ever spaced out and forgot what the fuck to do, just look at the guy next to you and just do whatever the fuck he's doing. And you're caught back up.

Oh, I imagine the army is so good. Like we do so well in the military just cause it's like, Oh fuck. Yeah, dude. Just the routine, the regiment,

everything like that's gotta be an autistic Haven. Actually. Now that I think about it, dude, I was thriving. The black mold killed me. That was our safe space. That's our safe space.

I would have been the highest ranking autistic soldier in the history of the army if that black mold wasn't there i just dude and then you have the 3m earplugs so you're like oh this is great dude i was dude i was the high speed ass kid in basic training like our drill our drill sergeants like in the battalion like picked me and my like battle buddy to represent our company for like the battalion like birthday party thing so we had to like dress up as soldiers from like every war the battalion had ever fought in kind of thing so like i got vietnam he got gulf war so like they legit now now it sounds like they were like get the special needs ones to dress up they'll

like it no that was exactly it he's like hey you know what we're trying to raise some money for the officers ball, dude Let's parade these special needs kids around and get as much money as possible at least tightwad put them in little outfits Call the newspaper and make a wish they're gonna love this dude look he thinks he's soldier yeah yeah look at him they think they're people because i mean jack you had to have people you and your basic where you're like 100 oh yeah yeah and back then and back in those days that that the word autism was just starting to become a thing said commonly like before that like when i was 12 i looked back at like one kid that everyone picked on like oh fuck that kid was autistic but like there was no name nope it was just retarded yeah you were literally retarded or

normal yeah exactly yeah no that's how we lived uh my entire childhood and then what and yeah but yeah um i mean i had terrestrial i had to lie about that shit yeah didn't get diagnosed until i was 30 but all the signs were there dude i had a teacher sit my mom down at like a parent teacher conference and tell my mom in like fifth sixth grade she's like your son is one of the most neurotic children i've ever seen and my mom turned to me and goes neurotic is that like does that mean like jewish but not jewish and i was like what it turns out that's a hundred percent i know he's a gentile he's very goyami you know wait jack you have fucking Tourette's yeah i got diagnosed when i was eight yeah i had to lie to my recruiter they care about those things is it just like tics or like what's

your yeah tics the verbal thing is extremely rare everyone you know and then people like oh man he's got yeah he's got Tourette's that's why he's cursing like no i just have a potty mouth yeah what's your tics um you know it's not as bad now as when i was a kid but i do this thing with my hands where i do these little crap fingers. We call it stimming. Some neck stretching, and I, like, pop my knees in certain ways. If you see me do that, you know when, like, guys have their balls stuck to their legs and they spread their legs out? People always assume my balls are stuck to my legs, but that's one of my tics is I spread my legs out and shit like that.

No shit. Every guy knows what he's talking about. He's out and shit like that Pancake in his thighs he's just like oh, yeah, that's the good. Yeah, that's just that's a ticket mine. Yeah, my balls are fine You've seen me ticking before and he probably just didn't think you think it no I don't look at tics like stimming I'm very good at stick like I know stimming instance still stemming. See me. He's like how his like Yeah, my Minds just it's I've been doing that one for like 20 years. Yeah, so I really wonder about that It's literally it's same. It's like tomato tomato. Whatever. It's stimming ticks It's the ticks is the old name for it now some people just don't

like the word oh really yeah oh my god they don't like people with fucking Tourette's syndrome remember when everybody got like everybody got mad at Lizzo for she used the word spaz in one in some of her lyrics and they're like oh that's making fun of people with like stims and you know and I was like I fucking I'm a spaz dude people called me a spaz my whole life I used to do a lot of Tourette's syndrome jokes you're like that's my yeah before before people with Tourette's were all babies about it spaz that's what was your question you're gonna say with the autism or are they still yeah uh that's something that I'm really curious about because like stim stimming is like it like people with autism like need some sort of like stimulation

some shit like that yeah but like that that's what they're starting to say nowadays is the correlation between autism and ADHD is super heavy. Yeah. Dude, that Venn diagram is almost just a fucking circle. Yeah. It's so close. It's a lot of overlap. Oh, yeah. And so that's literally I was trying to rule out autism to get the ADHD diagnosis.

And they're like, nope, fulltism, dude. You got it. And I was trying to rule out autism to get the ADHD diagnosis. And they're like, nope, full-tism, dude. You got it. And I was like, fucking cool. And then three years later, they're like, hey, and also? Three years later, they're like, hey, you know that stuff that therapy hasn't helped yet? We're going to give you this other medication because surprise. You got that. I'm like, oh, no.

This sucks. Yeah, I know like the way that it's just a turbo booster booster for the processor Dude, so like now it's like I have like I still process. She's running a broken computer That's it dude That is the whole shit like that is like when people talk about like the processing and like the social Communication breakdowns between like autism and like neurotypical people. It's exactly that. It's like trying to fucking send a document from like a, like a Mac book to a fucking PC.

And it's like, well I don't have like notes and you don't have like Google like word documents. So now you've got to fucking just copy the text into a notepad. No, like literally, have you ever had a conversation? It's my favorite conversation in a long time.

If you ever, if you ever have a conversation with an autistic person or they're included in a social activity and they like make a joke and everybody's like, what the fuck is he talking about? It's because he's made seven more connections in his brain to the conversation than anyone else has. So he's six degrees of Kevin Bacon and you guys are all just like, who the fuck is Kevin Bacon? So yeah, in reality, you normies are slow as fuck.

You ever thought about playing chess? Might work to your advantage. Maybe. Okay, so we talked about this. I've had, I've like the kind of like rotating hobbies where you'll do something for four months, get great at it, and then you're like, this is fucking boring now. And then you move on. But I don't have the kind of brain space where

I can keep that information in the hard drive. So like three fucking hobbies later, that first hobby is fucking jetted out. Dude, I defrag the hard drive, delete all of that shit. So that's the problem with chess. As a kid, I was really fucking good at chess. Because you have to think ahead. You have to think seven steps ahead. But now I don't remember the rules of chess.

You're just like, no shit. Yeah, at one point I was, I was literally in a club on a chess team, and now I don't remember all the rules. I'm like, this piece can do this. Right? This is the L-shaped one, right? I just like drill stars because being a drill star for somebody,

if you were one of my recruits, I'd be like, to the other drill stars, I'd be like, he's autistic as fuck. You guys realize that, right? You're doing good, AJ. Does anything need organizing? Yeah, I was like, that's happened before.

I read an article about a kid that they put in the Marine Corps who, it wasn't that he was undiagnosed. The recruiter was such a sleazeball. He literally picked him up from a fucking home. Oh God. Yeah. And put him in and put him in basic training. And like every time the drone starter would yell at him,

he would just yell back like a, like a fear yell. And they, the, they basically figured out what was going on. They took the kid out and the dirt, my, my buddy,

Pat was there and he goes, the took the kid out. And my buddy, Pat, was there. And he goes, the drill instructor comes out once they send the kid off and they're out processing him. And that recruiter probably went to fucking jail. The drill instructor, as a meathead drill instructor, he walks in to address the rest of the recruits. You all remember Private Johnson? He's no longer going to be with us. He's retarded. And I'm not

saying he's stupid. He is a literal retard. He's not in the program because he's the mascot now. Meanwhile, the recruiter gets picked up by the FBI. They're like, hey, only we can do that. Yeah, exactly. He thinks that recruiter got arrested? That recruiter got promoted.

Would you like to work for the FBI? We've got some terror plots that need to be planned and then stopped. Oh my god, it's Jason. The dude's just struggle busting. Struggle busting with life. Jesus Christ. That's evil shit if he knew. I mean, he had

to. He picked him up from a home, an adult home. Dude, there's easier ways to meet the quota. Yeah. Dude, during the surge, though, they would. You could have just gone to a halfway house. This would have been that period. This would have been that period. During that time frame, the bar was set very low, Brandon.

That was the felons. You could get in if you had felonies because they would waive the felony. You had your choice. It's like, hey, do you want to go to jail or do you want to join the military? Actually, a buddy of mine, that's how he got into the military. Dude, I'm pretty sure that's what happened with my recruiter. He knew something was up and he was just like, eh, if they figure it out, they'll waive it. Yeah, I guarantee that.

You were like, yay, I'm going in the military. Dude, I literally. I have a story about that. Oh, I cannot wait for my HelloFresh to get here. What is HelloFresh? With HelloFresh, you get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients. And seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Skips the trip to the grocery store.

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I was a freshman I'd started and I was already decided I was gonna do the x-ray tech program there and he's like Oh, we'll teach you to do the same thing and you'll get a paycheck instead of having to pay for it No, it's like that. I'm not math, but that adds up. And then I did the ASVAB, and he's like, oh, you scored a 97. You can literally pick any job you want out of this book. And I was like, ooh, okay. Well, since now I know that, I couldn't afford to go to fucking Embry-Riddle to do aviation school because I wanted to be a pilot. So I was like, done, pilot.

And he's like, you're too tall. And I was like, fuck you, man. They still do that really oh yeah oh no shit well in 2006 2007 they did uh but yeah they had like height requirements and they're like you're literally too tall to ride that ride and i was like all right well i guess i'll stick with the i'm six four yeah you're a taller dude he's a tall autism man yeah dude i'm a stretched out kind so yeah you couldn't become a pilot and you're just like, How big is your dick?

Not big, dude. Not big. Jack's disappointing. Fuck. Cursed over here. Yeah, I think when the tism activated, dude, my dick stopped growing because my brain needed more blood flow. Well, yeah, you know, in old Greek culture,

there's a reason why they gave them those hot beautiful bodies and those tiny dicks as big dicks were looked at as people being dumb and they were meatheaded they were savages you were breeding yeah so you're just part of the greek elite pretty much which proves my point that intellectuals have tiny dicks oh historically yeah yeah well i'm both dude i'm an intellectual meathead so your dick should be like at least regular size. It's regular size. Okay, that's what you're doing.

It's like I'm average. It's what I'm just... For every viewer out there, I have an average penis. Just really getting that point across. It's normal size. Some would say too much. What about you, Jack, dude? Fucking, you're military.

How big is your penis, Jack? Do you know how big your dick has to be to rock a mustache? Maybe I'm compensating. Wait, Jack, how old are you now? Did you just hit 40? Just hit 40. When was this? This was like the other day.

Yeah, about a month ago. Did I text you happy birthday or was I a piece of shit? I'm sure. I shut down on my birthday. I don't handle a lot of text messages and shit like that well because that pressure to respond and now you're in conversations. I'm a terrible texter to begin with. The only time I'll put effort into texting is for a woman and my parents.

So, yeah, I typically shut down. So if you did, I wouldn't have seen it anyways. Everyone at this table has autism. Let's just face it. Literally. I was watching. I'm like, yes,

everything. I'm like, brother, do you look at your own messages or do you have somebody that does that on this side of the fucking phone? Missed calls. Five Oh five. Missed text. 505. Missed texts, 1,100. Yes!

Look at my emails. Look at my fucking emails, Jack. Oh, yeah, baby. 182,000 unanswered fucking emails. Mine aren't like that, but that's literally because I turned off half of my notifications. But still, same. 24 missed calls, fucking 100 and something unread. 7,000 emails.

You're not a dick you just have a little bit of anxiety yeah there's i'll get to it when i get to it i'm sorry mom i love it i promise it is the idea of like so unfortunately mytism is also it has to stay at zero so i have to like click on everything to be like that yeah so. So I reset it because if I give up, I will literally do it just disappears. You just forget. And you're like, no, DM that discord and stuff like that. I have an unread message box of just like flooded stuff. And now DMs on IG, the other two categories.

I like I don't even open those anymore because I'm like, nope, stress. Don't like spring is here and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with uber eats what do we mean by almost you can't get a well groomed lawn delivered but you can get chicken parmesan delivered sunshine no some wine yes get almost almost anything delivered with uber eats order now alcohol and select markets see after details i'm gonna freak the fuck out about it i'm not trying to change the subject i really fucking like that shirt thank Thank you. Yeah. It got a compliment. Eli feels pretty.

Pink. I love my color pink. I don't know why that's just become a thing, but dear God, it works. I'm like, yes. When we did my fight, I specifically told Bunker, I'm like, we need three regular cream color shirts and one pink one. And I rock that pink shirt. Damn right you do. Fucking Jesus. Still got blood on it. Oh, yeah. Like the bro hugs? I'm like, what's that? cream killer shirts and one pink one. And I rocked that pink shirt. Damn right you did.

Still got blood on it. Oh, yeah. Like the bro hugs. I'm like, what's that? Oh, it's Brandon's blood. It's good. Or it's a lot. Mostly it was James.

I thought I was bleeding more than I was because of all the, I just saw like, I hugged you guys and then I saw the blood and I was like, oh, I'm fucked up. Oh, yeah. Did you guys watch those fights last night? They were awful. It was terrible. And I never had an opinion about the Dylan Danis, Logan Paul. Oh, shit. And I didn't even know that much about it.

But that guy was like disgraceful. Like he should feel ashamed of himself. They're both kind of shitty people. Yeah. Like if you just look at just all their like fraud shit and like all the different like pump and dumps they've done. Like they're shitty people. Yeah. Like if you just look at just all their like fraud shit and like all the different like pump and dumps they've done, like they're, they're shitty people,

good businessmen. But like those fights were like, I can, I can, I can set that aside if you're entertaining to watch. Those were just shit fights. They were fucking awful. What bothered me the most too.

I just, I got to thinking about this. I watched the post fight when that Tommy Fury and KS one, I know Tommy Fury is from Manchester. Welcome back to KS1 racing. I want that. It's just going to be KSI, but like. Oh, KSI, yeah.

With missing one chromosome or added one. It's just me, KS1. KS1 KS1 That Fury The younger brother He's from Manchester He's from where the fight was And then I'm pretty sure KSI is from like London And when they were

Chatting at each other after the fight I couldn't understand They talked in full English Which Full English is you can't understand it I saw your stories about that it bothered me so much

this was their back and forth and they did that back and forth and I got so fucking angry and I started thinking how the other day I was watching David Ortiz a great baseball player uh who never started speaking English till he was 20 years old and came over here and played baseball and they started shoving microphones in front of this place he talks like this he's from the Dominican Republic man I can understand him perfectly

Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't speak a lick of English from rural Austria. Moves here, learns the language. Everybody knows what Arnold's saying. Ichiro Suzuki, who's not even from a frickin' European language family, he, from Japan, didn't come over to the United States to play baseball until he was 28 years old. Did his entire Hall of Fame induction

speech in English. You can understand what Ichiro has to say. Eli, from two different countries that don't speak English. How the fuck do these two knuckleheads from England not be able to speak the fucking English language? Yeah, how do they sound

like two mastiffs growling at each other through a fence, dude? Just like... I was watching your stories about that last night. It was fucking hilarious. It bothered me. I love when Jack gets high. Why do we keep...

The fights suck because it sucks for just at a boxing level, that is how you take away from boxing. You have this huge influx of people. You get everyone riled up. They get paydays,'s it hurts the sport because now you have a dude laying on his back doing whatever danis did that was fucking stupid you know the sport of boxing is going to hell in a handbasket but prime is going to sell for 20 more now they did that job really good yeah dude mma ruined boxing yeah is what it is it's like now

like what would have been an entertaining boxing match like 25 years ago before mma ruined boxing yeah is what it is is like now like what would have been an entertaining boxing match like 25 years ago before mma now you're like what is happening dude we watched the fucking fights right after like uh after the dylan dennis uh logan paul all that shit was done we watched the ufc fights right after those are athletes back right those are and then you're like oh fuck that's what a real fight looks like dude that's what i'm saying like a ufc prelim fight is better than a pay-per-view boxing fight just because shit's happening and those mma fighters now they're they're coming from the generation you know when next level popped off yeah when we were watching it was the dells and the coutures those guys like yeah i wrestled in college then i just learned to take a punch to the face

and they they kind of they made the sport popular but these guys now they didn't come from one background you know wrestling or boxing they have been doing mma since five they have been learning everything because this is what it's that switch from um uh who's the american japanese guy that was doing karate for the long uh oh sage north cut oh say it i mean sage is a good example and it was before him he was uh machida machida was just a karate practitioner and he's a world champion because he used karate in a different way he was like oh these i don't know grappling to the next level and i don't know uh which he's brazilian right i think he was a japanese american guy guy. But he would stand backwards.

Machida might have been actually Brazilian. But he would fight backwards. So how he would fight, karate stance still, and he would attack when they would dive in or anything. And it worked. That's how he got world champion in the UFC as a karate practitioner. And it was a weird offset. They're like, man.

That must have been like really early UFC. Yeah, because Ken Shamrock was a karate guy. They're like, man. That must have been like really early UFC. Yeah, because Ken Shamrock was a karate guy. Yeah, that was post-Anderson Silva. Because it was like the first five years was all different shit. And then like after that was all BJJ. Yeah. So it was 2009 to 2012 era. So this is still later.

It was just that weird, those one-offs. Because then you'd have like, yes, uh like as bjj or strikers then it's high whatever yeah and then it just machida machida took it from um rashad evans yeah right that's right yeah and he like machida fought some like gangster bjj and fighters like he he fought some top tier dudes and he beat them across the board and did you watch Ahsoka, by the way? Oh, I need to. I need to watch Ahsoka. God damn it. I feel like we're talking about fighting on a podcast.

I'm like, oh, God, we've lost half the audience. It doesn't go outside. No! Video games, go! Military stories, go! I didn't fucking watch Ahsoka either. Oh, man, you know what the big guy just got? Big Caleb?

He bought a freaking arcade, an actual arcade-sized arcade thing. I saw that. That was pretty cool. But it's got like 400 games on it, and you can download any game you want to it. So he's got an actual arcade where he can play any arcade game from the last freaking 40 years that he wants to at any time. It's kind of a vibe. My buddy has that. He has like my buddy Jake Rubel that tours with me.

He has like a, like a joust defender arcade cabinet, but it's got one of those like pie little computer things in it. Yeah. What do you call those? The raspberry, like an emulator. Yeah.

Raspberry pie. There you go. And like the emulator or whatever. So it's all the arcade games, all the like Sega games and stuff. You can all, yeah, that's awesome.

And there, and you know, when I was thinking, okay, that's minimum $5,000. He said, counting shipping, it was only $900. You're shitting me. Yeah. Oh, dude, I'm buying one of those as soon as we get off this podcast. Before you fuckers can bid against me on eBay, I'm buying one for myself.

Fuck you. Dude, I have a feeling. You can own it before this gets published. I think they're the only ones doing it, and they're pretty new, so I would get it now because they're going to go up in price. Yeah. It's called a – am I okay to plug random shit on here? Yes, of course.

It's called a Legends Ultimate Arcade, full-size game machine. It's rad as shit. What's this old – I need to get an arcade. I'm surprised this house doesn't have a fucking arcade in it. How often are you guys hanging out here outside of the show? Never.

Front room. Yeah, I know. Front room. We never hang out here. We have new things that we're doing upstairs, adding on to. We got a business in the works. Although there is a lot of cool nerdy shit around here. You guys don't even see. There's fucking Star Wars art behind the cameras and shit. It's not like Auschwitz in here like To nude cutouts of Henry Cable, yeah, it's true and Ryan Reynolds. Oh, yeah jackie got caught up in that handsomeness dude henry just big h bro just big h just looking like a dying piece

you think a man like that gets fucked oh dude you think a man like that you know how you see an english person and you can tell they're English? They do have an emaciated look about them. That guy looks like he's from frickin' New York. Born and bred. He's a lawyer. From Manhattan, yeah. The emaciated look.

It's like, yeah, they don't eat McDonald's once a week. Those emaciated fucks in the UK. He looks American-colored, man. He really does. He does. Yeah, youes in the UK. He looks American colored, man. He really does. He does. Yeah, you always forget he is. He's not gaunt.

When I heard him speak in his natural voice for the first time, it fucked my head up. Oh, because he always plays American characters.

Yeah. Yeah. Like him and Hugh Lowry. Hugh Lowry, yeah. And then Christian Bell. Oh, I always forget

that. Idris Elba. Gerard Butler. Christian Bell's what? Is he Australian or is he? Christian Bale is English. He's Welsh. Welsh.

Oh, okay. British, yeah. He's just the perfect actor on. He's good. Yeah. He's one of the best, in my opinion. I think he's top tier on method acting. Him and Daniel Day-Lewis, dude.

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It's because they die. It's because they die. They get that one character and they go to method and then they're gone. Dude, RIP Heath Ledger. Thank God Heath Ledger wasn't around when they were casting for Dahmer. Oh, yeah. Just start fucking kidnapping people.

I just really felt like I needed to get in there. Dude, that's what that, I feel like that's what that Armie Hammer dude was preparing for. Jared Leto, who's the most punchable motherfucker in Hollywood, Jared Leto. That's what he was doing when he was getting ready for his Joker role.

He was doing some real fucking unnecessary shit to the other cast. You don't need to do that. If you're a good actor, you don't need to be a fucking weirdo. You can just show up and do your job. He mailed Margot Robbie a dead ferret or something. I feel like method acting is just an excuse

for actors to be assholes. To be a dick, yeah. Ooh, Shia LaBeouf, Shia LaBeouf. He's just crazy. Yeah. I mean, just be crazy.

Yeah. But that's the method. I like those weird things he was doing. My favorite was when Shia LaBeouf streamed himself sitting in a theater for like two days straight watching his own movies. Oh, brilliant. I forgot he did that.

Yeah. My favorite was when he was was doing the fury the tank movie he wouldn't shower and he cut his own face and would pick the scabs between takes to make the wound look fresh yeah that's awful totally you know what i didn't know he went through that level like oh yeah listen to shiloh buff on how he talks now about his old mindset and how he was. Because he's like, yeah, I'm ashamed of how I used to be as a piece of shit. He's like, I was just full of crap. I was a child actor who went off the deep end.

Because it would be hard. Imagine from a young age you were just presented the world and then everyone bows down to you on top of that. That would create a fucking issue. Like, Brandon, you got big in the last few years, right? are just presented the world and then everyone bows down to you on top of that that that would create a fucking issue like brandon you got big in the last few years right yeah i'm i'm so glad like i i've talked about this before on the podcast too like i'm so glad because i've been doing youtube since technically like 2007 like just little youtube channels so you were you were 16 something like that uh yeah some well yeah no way younger. I was maybe like, I don't know, 10, 11. Holy fuck.

When I just started fucking around with video making and stuff like that. But I didn't get popular by any meaningful degree until I was in my 20s, which I'm so thankful for. Dude, if I was like 16 and blew up, I'd be an asshole. I fully know that. I would be a fucking dickhead. I didn't get into stand-up until I was in my 30s.

Literally, as a therapy homework assignment. Go be around people. Well, that's a fucking... That doctor's... You struggle with being in front of people. Let them judge you. It's like the fucking accountant where it's like, oh, he hates loud noises and stimuli.

He needs more of it. It's kind of worse. But it was an occupational therapist and literally doing talk therapy to reintegrate me into society because way before COVID, I got my first job in graphic design while I was still getting my bachelor's degree online was like working from home. So I was getting my degree online from home, working from home. And it reached a point where it's like I looked up one day. It's like, oh, I haven't peopled in nine months. I don't need to touch grass. Yeah.

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Different is calling. I'm grass. You know? But yeah, I started after the diagnosis and working with the occupational therapist and stuff at a certain point. So you had never thought of doing stand-up before that? I had. I wanted to do stand-up when I was like 25, and I was like married at the time.

How old are you now? I'm 35. Okay. So yeah, I wanted to start like, yeah, a decade ago. But I was, again, like easily manipulatable. And like because I like didn't know what it was, but I knew there was something off in my brain. It was one of those like I was easily open to suggestions. So was like i'm gonna go do stand-up like i wrote all these jokes and yes like i wrote all these jokes i'm gonna go to this open mic and my

ex-wife at the time just right like the day before was like are you sure you think you're like funny enough that you're gonna talk in front of other people and they're gonna enjoy it and i was like significant other to say yeah and at that point I was like you're right I don't know what I was thinking what do you think now bitch yeah you're totally I've gotten standing ovations in arenas in front of thousands of people looks like you were wrong somebody gets wrong bitch yeah uh so yeah i was at the time uh it wasn't stand-up i would i wanted to make my own like adult animated cartoon series but i was i was trying to teach myself like storyboarding script writing animation. Which is exhausting.

Yeah. And so my occupational therapist literally was like, you just put additional hurdles in front of you and the shit you need to get out of your brain to relieve pressure on your executive function. So cut out the middleman. And she was like, I want you to just take three jokes from the show you've been writing and just go do to an open mic and i was like well i can't exactly blah blah blah and i was like but i can write some more and she's like fucking go do it and then at that point i had my medical marijuana prescription and my well-being like emotional regulation and i was like so like every stand-up yeah i was literally i was like and then it happened i went i got laughs like on the first joke I ever told,

and I was like, oh. Which doesn't happen. You're hooked. Yeah. As soon as you get that laugh, it's like, I've never done it before, but I assume it's what heroin feels like. Dude, it's just that immediate, like,

you're like, oh, once it hits your bloodstream. I told one joke, and then I fell asleep, and needed to be narcan yeah basically oh yeah there it is no because i've seen a lot of your stuff like i didn't even know like i didn't know your name before yesterday but i've seen your stuff before and a lot of it's like the self-deprecating kind of stuff and it works so fucking well for you i have a question uh and i know it's different for everybody but do the lights ever fucking jumble your brain uh so they used to so when i first started doing

stand-up i would literally i'd fully disassociate i'd go on stage and i'd very still i would i could i i could be still i didn't stem but i it was all of my willpower to just stand there and be still. But I was very flat, very monotone, no emotion, no expression, no nothing. And it wasn't until I figured out, like, I was literally with my therapist, and I was talking about it. I was like, oh, I told this joke, and it didn't work. And she's like, wait, so you're telling jokes about autism, but you're afraid for people to see that you're autistic.

And I was like, you bitch. You just, how'd you just, how'd you just unlock, you know what I mean? Like, because sometimes, I don't know if you've had this happen with your son, like you might like be trying to explain something to him and he's just not getting it. And then you rephrase it in the one way

that all of a sudden he's just like, oh, unlocked. Yeah. Oh yeah, all the time. It was that. It was, you're talking about autism, but you're afraid for people to see you as autistic. And I was like, mother fucker.

Yeah. Cause you, it's like the Eminem eight mile thing, right? It's like once, once you call it out, it's like, Oh damn,

that's part of the bit now and you can't use it against me. And you lean into it. Yeah. Fucking full. And you have some good old fashioned mom spaghetti afterwards. And literally, because literally it'd be sometimes like in between jokes where I'd take a breath and like,

I'd start to stem or something or people would like, you could hear it in my voice and people would be like, what's wrong with them? But because I wasn't just owning it, you know, exactly. And so then I like, I started like kind of tailoring my material to that.

It's like, okay, I'm just right up front. Hey, you're probably wondering what's going on me too like that kind of shit because just dealing with it right up front and you've explained it and this one thing it's it resonated extremely quickly with me it's like you see certain words and everything they just the imagery just pops in your head or so if it's like a joke

or anything it's like it just it's a image instead of like a word or whatever. Yeah. So Temple Grandin, who is like one of the original like distributors of like, hey, this is what autism is. And like, this is what we're capable of kind of thing, which now people hate her. But why? I guess because she's she said some stuff that like some of like the more like progressive parts of like the autism community disagree with, but I'm going to wait until you're done, but I got a rant for that bullshit. The worst fucking people in the world.

No, I swear to fucking God. Like when you look at anything, like I told you earlier, I used to do jokes about Tourette's syndrome and they would get like fucking flagged and taken down because Tourette's syndrome people were such little fucking babies. And no,

no. And then I was having a, uh, we know a lot of people missing limbs from war. One or two. I was talking to them. They have their community of... A piece. Oh, yeah.

You missing that two-piece in the biscuit. But there's people in the amputee community that we don't want to be called amputee. That's offensive. We want to be called non... What the fuck else do you want to be called? Dude, I know. Non-ambulatory Americans. But what it is, amputee that's offensive we want to be called non what the fuck else do you want to be called i know non-ambulatory americans we're able but what it is it's these it's always recipient like what

happens is people have something that's like distinctly unique about them and yes they probably had to suffer with it alone at a for a long time but they think that they get to call the shots like they're the fucking only ones yeah there's people out there that's like my experience is the only correct way to experience this thing even if they didn't have that condition they'd be bitches anyways that's just how they're wired they're wired to be babies yeah well and there's also the yeah there's also the we kind of had a conversation about this there's like the the group that like online that's like the, oh, I'm undiagnosed autistic. It's a huge thing.

Then go get diagnosed or shut the fuck up. I do understand as an adult how hard it was to get. I just don't want to know. I like that ambiguity in the back of my head. He went against it. He went to get misdiagnosed. He's like, I'm not fucking autistic you sir you

are autistic you're one of the worst i've ever seen well but that's the thing like like can we study you like in in a very small number of cases there is a validity to self-diagnosis right like if you are in a community that is too poor there are no resources things like that like you can do all the research and just not be able to get to someone who can actually give you the diagnosis i do understand that but then there's other people it's like you live in one of the biggest cities in the world you're right next to one of the largest health care facilities in the world you would get a diagnosis at any time it's a real question though you can't get a diagnosis real question what is the advantage of getting a formal diagnosis uh there's a couple

like one it's the like the like validation, like in your own mind. Do you know what I mean? Like if you've ever dealt with any kind of mental health care stuff, just like having someone like an expert tell you like, no, you're not crazy. Do you know what I mean? Like sometimes you do need that. Eli! Hey!

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Because there's a point. I see where you're going. Because it is for you. You'd be like, I'm ADHD. And my stimming. Because if you don't know what stimming is, you literally know you're just going to look like a weird person. Why am I like this? So what he's doing right now is also stimming.

Brandon's like, no, that's just alcoholism. Are you talking about me? Yeah. No, he's got the choice. No, no, no. Brandon, you've never noticed you do that with your hands? I do. I know.

I just always thought you were coming off a bender. Well, I mean, both can be true, I guess. Okay, so, fun fact. You just got called autistic by an autistic person. Part of what took so long, what's funny about the bender shit is part of what took so long for me to get diagnosed and even notice that shit was wrong was

I spent so much time in my 20s, like, in the military and post-military. Self-medicating. Drinking. Yes, drinking bro shit. And it was like, oh, it was no, like it wasn't a weird thing to pregame before you'd go out to the bar.

But then at a certain point, you're like, oh, I'm pregaming the pregame because it's my friend group, but there's two people who aren't like in my head. They're not part of my circle, so I'm not comfortable with them. So I got to have a few drinks before I even go in here. So you're autistic and an alcoholic.

Well, yeah, at a certain point, you realize you're like, oh, I'm not comfortable with them so I gotta have a few drinks before I even go in here so you're autistic and an alcoholic Well yeah at a certain point There's it's not just hands there's literally like Hundreds of different like there's nail biting finger tapping foot tapping rocking humming a lot of that lately a lot of the different, there's nail biting, finger tapping, foot tapping, rocking, humming. A lot of that, I think there's a lot of overlap too with neat movement. What? Non-energy, what is that? Neat movement where you're just tapping your leg, for example.

Yeah, yeah, arithmetic movement. Yeah, yeah. And it has to happen. Dude, that's why I used to go so hard on my comedy for years making fun of veterans. It's because I saw. Jack has it. He's starting this one hard.

Yeah, you might want to get off camera for this one, Brandon. Yeah. But there would be, you know, 75% of them are normal people that when they're done with it, they go back and contribute and they just move the fuck. But you got this 25% who are the biggest goddamn babies and they're so sensitive about shit they can't take a joke and they're they're obnoxious right well it's the it's the over correction yeah it happens with everything it's like oh things were this way for so long and it's like now we want equality so we're going to swing things so far

back in this direction that it creates that it creates an unequal power vacuum back in the other direction. We talk about veterans or something like a lot of you need a reality check. I'll let Jack finish his statement. No, I'm just saying, man, 20... What's better than a well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue?

A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Grocer $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Okay, so can I... You can't be too much of a silly goose. I can't say the S word. Yes. Okay.

You can't mention people Ryan Reynolds-ing themselves. Okay. You can say, yeah, the, what is that, Honorable Sudoku. Because I've always wanted to do the bit where someone's doing the 22 push-up challenge, but they're so out of shape that they can only do 15, so seven veterans, you know. Ryan Reynolds. It's their fault because they're so out of shape that they can only do 15, so seven veterans, you know. Ryan Reynolds. It's their fault because they're so out of shape. Jack's really just, but seven of them.

A hundred percent. And the seven I like. As you're struggling to like, you're struggling to try and keep going, they line them up. They line them up like, you better keep going, dude. You better keep going. A very sweaty Matt Best appears in front of me. You get like one.

I'm trying, Matt. Come on, bro. One more. You get one more locked out. They're like, you're safe. He drops to his knees just crying. That's what the PT tests are for. That's what the military PT test is for.

You failed. Next time someone. You failed them. Next time someone someone You failed them. You failed them. Next time someone posts a 22 push-up video, I'm just going to comment like, thanks, man. I was going to do it. Did you say thank you

on all those videos? Holy shit. Thanks. That was a close one. Jesus. Oh, my God. Okay, that was a close one. That was a close one. Jesus. Oh my God. Okay, Brandon, you were... Or even worse. You like, like with the 22, you cut in and you go,

well, three of those were incorrect. So now... No! Well, three of those push-ups weren't regulated! This is half counted in. I Just cuz they're half counted so it's like the fight club out the fucking side of the mouth Half count so and then you want to the fight club GPS just looking at the editing bar, he's like, I think this is a fight club. Okay, wait, wait, wait.

One more time. I'm being real careful right now, Eli. I love it. I love it. That was acceptable, I think. You have a story that you've not told. Oh, God, yeah. That you were like. So this was, like, I don't get embarrassed often.

This was one of those moments. I mean, it's concerning you've done YouTube, but you've been reading the comments section since you were 10. You've developed some tough skin about things. Oh, it's terrible for your mental health. Awful, awful. To hear what thousands of strangers think about you

at any waking moment. That's fucking terrible. My one tip about what I say yesterday. It kills me a little inside. Don't read the comments. Never read the comments. I read all of them. I read all of them too. I read all of them. I read all of them too.

I read all of them. I reply to them. I do the whole. I die a little inside every day, dude. But what happened to me is I was at the fucking airport. So I have like a Mystery Ranch three-day assault pack. Like best backpack I ever fucking owned. Shout out Mystery Ranch, I guess.

They're fucking great. But it's got like little slots for patches or whatever people send me dumb patches and shit and like some of this stuff i just think it's funny so i've got one of them the one that i've got on the back of my backpack now is like you know like a ranger tab except instead of that it says special needs oh yeah so i just thought i thought that was funny as shit because like i never did anything in the military like i can't take any like stolen valor or whatever where Where's this story going? I'm already liking this story.

I'm still... Because you have a patch. I literally started rocking back and forth as soon as he said, you got a special needs patch. I was like, I got to get one of them. I'm standing in a line to board the fucking plane at an airport.

And there is, behind me, someone taps on my shoulder. And it's this really nice lady. Excuse me, sir. Because it's a multi-cam camo backpack like it looks like military shit it's just a nice backpack uh she's like excuse me sir uh your patch what does it mean i'm like excuse me like i have no idea what the fuck she's talking about and i like take it off for a second oh oh that oh that was just uh i'm sorry it's just a joke like just a joke. I thought it was kind of funny. I put it on there. I didn't think about it.

She's clearly defeated. Oh. I have a son who's special needs and he really wants to join the military. I didn't know if there was a special division. I have to stand in line with her

for another 10 minutes. I was like, oh, no, ma'am. I'm sorry. I just, it was, it was a joke. So you didn't just tell her about the Marine Corps? You didn't just, you didn't just tell her about the Marine Corps? Then we'll pick him up from a home.

Yeah, they'll pick him up from a home. Where do you keep him? He'll pick him up from the home, dude. Where do you keep him, dude? Oh, fuck. That's one of those stories I would have never told. You don't even have to clean his cage or anything. They'll have one for him, dude.

Oh, my God. I'm surprised you weren't like, give that to him. Yeah. He's a special little soldier. Hey, can you imagine that sketch, the special need division training? Oh, yeah, that'd be fun to write. That would be amazing to star in. It's like Bad Company.

Oh, yeah. No, it's like the Inglorious Bastards, but they're all special needs. What would that sound like? The Retarded Bastards. Inglorious Retards? The Bear Tard.

It's like the guy The master blaster From Mad Max It's just master blaster Who runs Bada town Holy shit guys Oh god

That's fucking bad This is the one I know this is the one i'm like what is we never tip the line it's like wham it's just hitting the fucking line i don't know it needs to be like the most proper out of any of us and like every time i'm fucking on we're always like this is the one i do so much um not mundane but i do so much like i'm more doing more behind the scenes stuff which which is fulfilling, but it's like I don't get to be as janky as I used to.

So I like, I hold it all in and then I show up here. I'm like, I can say that? Really? Okay. Because you're like, you've been doing your interviewing all vets, like World War II. Yeah, I'm like getting World War II veterans to cry these days, which is like serious business. That was really cool. That was, I saw that.

That was really nice. I'm like five for 5 for getting veterans to cry on camera. I'm pretty good at that. Go on. I'm just saying, I'm really good at getting war vets to cry on camera. You're doing really good at it. Should we let the audience know what he's actually

talking about? No, I'm not. He's not bullying. I'm not telling them to Ryan Reynolds themselves. I'm making a 98-year-old man cry. No, I'm getting them to tell their stories. But, yeah, it's very fulfilling. But, yeah, it's less cock-a-poop-a-peepy these days for me from my 9 to 5 and more that.

So this is... Because it is a big shift for you on your style of content, your usual Jack stuff. Yeah. Because we've said this before and I've said it like last on the drunk history one. I was like, Jack, fucking just do history stuff. You have like a deep knowledge on history. Lean into it. You're like, but what about my belly?

I'm like, no. A lot of people see Jack the actor and like they see a lot of like the purposeful, like dumb, crazy shit you do. But like, I like playing those characters. And it's fun. I get it. People see Jack the actor, and they see a lot of the purposeful, dumb, crazy shit you do. I like playing those characters. It's fun. I get it. But you are really actually, I genuinely think you're a very smart man.

You've got a lot of knowledge, and I respect you. I was just thinking about this on the car ride over here. Okay, you want to do history? Here's a history bit. This is one of the most bizarre stories in the history of the United States. I don't know if I said this last show, so if I did, just cut me off. I don't remember it, so you're good. But in 1864... I was drunk.

In the late winter of 1864, Robert Todd Lincoln was standing on a train platform in Patterson, New Jersey, waiting to get on the train. They didn't have airplanes in 1864. Nope. And all of a sudden, the train's coming up, and the crowd...

That was your history fact of the day. Yeah, they were... No planes in 1864. Anyway, autism. and all of a sudden the trains coming up and the crowd that was your history fact of the day yeah no planes in 1864 anyway autism did he brought up this story for me dude he's like I'm gonna say trains as many times as possible we're 15 seconds into the story he said trains 7 times dude this is

for me you guys shut up for a second go on and it was a steam engine. I hate that I know this. So back in the day, it used to, from your train story, it used to take six months on carriage to cross the United States. But trains limited, it brought it down to 14 and then 10 days. Down to four days was the fastest.

Transcontinental railroad. Yeah. Yeah. But it went from like six months. Yeah. Six months to that. Trans changed America. Go on Jack. Well,

I love how we all had to have an autism moment. Yeah. About trains. He's like, I know you're the autistic one, but let me tell you this train fact. The episode is going to be like, we're autistic and that's it.

Go on Jack. Anyway, I'm sorry. Here's your token threats be like, we're autistic, and that's it. Go on, Jake. Here's your token Tourette's guy chiming in. 1864. So, Robert Todd Lincoln, the son of President Abraham Lincoln, sitting President Abraham Lincoln, the crowd surged as the train was coming in, and he got pushed off the platform.

And so he's literally seconds away from getting smashed by this train. How much do you think it weighed? That's doesn't really have anything to do with story. I just thought you would know. I'm not a numbers autistic. I looked at him like he would have an answer.

I don't know why. So I'm not the numbers autistic. I was trying to, I'm like, I don't know. Maybe I could come up with a cat, like how far it would throw him. Out of the blue, right. As he's about to get smacked and die from this train, this hand comes down, grabs him and launches him up from the train platform and saves his life.

And like a little baby Lincoln standing there, he looks up and it's this, he train platform and saves his life. And little baby Lincoln's standing there. He looks up, and he recognized who it was right away. He was one of the most famous actors from one of the most famous acting families in America. It was Edwin James Booth. Holy shit. This is a real story. It's been proven.

Edwin James Booth. And Booth didn't, Booth didn't recognize Lincoln. Back then, no one gave a fuck what the president's kids looked like. But like, Lincoln recognized Booth. Like, they were like the frickin' Barrymores at that time of American acting royalty. Well, if he's saving kids from trains, he was like the Keanu Reeves of, you know, 1864. Yeah. Like, just a really nice guy actor. Yeah, just a nice guy actor.

Well, and he was. This is the most bizarre part. So anyways, they have a brief exchange. It's a thank you. Then he gets on the train. And Robert Todd Lincoln literally had just commissioned an army. They sent him to go work for Grant. They're like, we're not putting this kid on the front lines.

He told this story, and people were like, holy fuck. And then, of course, four or five months later uh edwin's younger brother who uh was kind of a piece of shit uh john wilkes assassinated the father of robert ty lincoln abraham lincoln uh just four or five months later is when the assassination happened no shit so one brother saves the son the other brother kills the father. Yeah. And this, by the way, he wasn't like a political guy. And, you know, everyone, when you're in the middle of a civil war, people expect you to take sides. He never really did that. He just, he maintained himself as an actor.

He was like grief stricken. Like that was like a family embarrassment. You know, my brother killed the president, but that's like the equivalent today. Okay. embarrassment you know my brother killed the president but that's like the equivalent today okay if like hunter biden was like on a four-day crack bender and he's on a plane sitting in comfort plus and he's like i'm gonna open up the fucking emergency exit and and everyone's panicking they don't know what to do and then all of a sudden he's got crack strength yeah he's got crack strength he might actually do it from all of a sudden from first class comes running one of the Jonas brothers and stops him and saves his life and everybody else's life. And then five months later, one of the Nick Jonas decides to go cap Papa Joe.

That's like, what are the fucking chances? That would be, I mean, that is front line. How was that? Somebody should check on the Jonas Brothers We should probably use the Hemsworths Yeah, the Hemsworths, that's a better example The Jonas Brothers, I don't know if anybody would recognize them It won't take long to tell you Neutral's ingredients Vodka Soda

Natural flavors Vodka, soda, natural flavors. So, what should we talk about? No sugar added? Neutral. Refreshingly simple oh that's the guy who said chris is the good guy chris is the good guy and whatever the

fucking the other one there's a third that nobody knows about too is it just me or does liam look a little special needs he's gonna be the new Witcher. Yeah, but he looks, you know what I mean?

He looks like he plays a lot of video games. He's got a little Eli Manning about him. Eli Manning now? Yeah. Okay. Okay. There we go. That's what it is.

Liam Hemsworth looks like Eli Manning got in that machine that Steve Urkel used to become like Stefan Urkel. Yeah. I don't know what I expected you to say, but that was not it. I was not going in that direction. But now that I've said it, am I wrong? No, I'm more on the fucking,

how big was this national news during that time frame? Well, the assassination definitely was. Yeah, definitely. I made a couple of newspapers. No, it wasn't real. It was a known story within certain circles. And what definitely was. Yeah, definitely. They made a couple of newspapers. No, it wasn't real. It was a known story within certain circles. And what happened was years later, Robert Todd Lincoln arguably, if you take just Robert Todd Lincoln arguably went on to have a way more successful career than his dad did. He became the secretary of state.

He was the ambassador to London or to the United Kingdom. Like he had a very successful life. And he worked under Grant's presidential administration. He told Grant the story. This was like 10 years after his father died. Grant wrote a personal letter to Edwin Booth thanking him basically. And that letter basically like was the only thing that like Edwin Booth clung to as far as like closure during that whole incident.

That's actually really cool. Yeah. And Edwin Booth's career was already pretty popping during the Civil War. He went on to play Hamlet, which was a big deal back then. He was the Tom Cruise of America. And Americans generally did not hold it against him for what his brother did. Which is crazy. What's crazy, what a lot of people don't know is how deep that assassination plot went.

As far as how deep it went like what they planned on doing. They hung nine, right? What's up? They hung nine. Well, what they planned on doing. They were trying to take out like Seward Stanton, the VP, Secretary of War. But like one of the guys was what we would now refer to as retarded. Louis Payne was his name.

Yeah. He like looking back on it. So radio ruined their plan. Louis Payne was his name. Yeah. He like, looking back on it. So radio ruined their plan is what you're saying, dude. Yeah. But Louis Payne, who was supposed to like. What did he do? What Louis Payne? Sorry for interrupting you.

No, he was one of the conspirators, but he fucked it up because he was like. Retarded. Yeah. Because everybody had a guy to kill and John Wilkes Booth was the only one, ironically enough, the guy at the fucking tip of the spear,

only guy who actually followed through. Because he had access to those theaters, that's why. It was supposed to be like four things at once. They were going to wipe out the entire fucking high command of the United States. Like a full coup. Oh, no shit.

So this was a deep plan. It was a conspiracy. Excuse my historical ignorance here, but I think this was right after Appomattox. Yeah. The assassination happened the... It was the 9th when they signed.

I believe the assassination happened on the 14th, so like five days later is when it happened. But they had been planning it before. They knew the thing was coming to an end. This was like the last you know. Dang. This is...

Because you did your video on the Lincoln assassination, which is like testing the dummy and the ballistics for it. We're doing MLK next. That's going to be a spicy one. Dude, all of them, because we were talking about on the drive here, I was actually explaining one of the, during the aggressive knoll, the ballistic being in, like, staying in shape is what caught everyone off guard.

Yeah, the Joe Rogan thing where he posted, yeah. Yeah. And then the ballistics for him. There's a 10 million view video on that because it's like testing the Joe Rogan JFK theory. And then you were actually surprised by that. Or were you surprised? Well, so I will say there was a variable we didn't take into consideration. Because we were just doing a dumb YouTube video.

I thought there was going to be another video that gets 600,000 views, whatever. Got 10 million. Whoops. That's the size of New York. We didn't use the exact if i knew it was going to be a 10 million view video i would have gotten the exact type of cartridge that they used because it was like a round nose projectile which changes a lot changes a lot so yeah with 10 million views someone in the comment section is going to call you out right basically that's why i got 10 million views is because so many people were telling me i was wrong

like the engagement just shot through the roof people like well would actually yeah what obviously happened about JFK It's like well, yeah, this is getting monetized Watch me in your judgment red faces, but it's like it's clearly not obvious if everybody's still fighting about it 60 years later Yeah, come on, dude, dude. So that's one. Jack, what is your favorite piece? Like, in your historic knowledge in America, what's your favorite time period? I'll do one better. What's your favorite conspiracy? Oh.

Oh. Yeah, you know, I never. You know, something happens when you're a white guy and you hit 40. You really start thinking about conspiracy theories. You look like a dude. But I'm not. They've never really interested me um but from one that happened that there is validity to it is the bombing of the uss main which is what took us

into the spanish-american war that was america's first kind of like false flag type of accusation that the united states um basically conducting a bombing on on, on one of our own us warships to justify going to war with Spain, because it was a very, it was a very clear policy of the United States that we need to take back this hemisphere. And Spain was the last European power still in the Western hemisphere. And so it was in, it was in writing that we need to get the spanish out here

out of here for like 80 years and so the argument is that we we um orchestrated the bombing of the uss main in order to justify going to war with spain so do you do you think it was actually like a purposeful bombing or was it an accident that was turned into an attack quote unquote realistically that probably would have been the case more right yeah like a cigarette maybe there was a fucking bombing it was there was a lot of like rebel groups and shit like that that all sorts of different motives at that time people forget whenever there's a revolution going on or any type of coup it's not just one side versus the other there's like 20 people throwing their fucking shit like when the

russian revolution happened it's not like lenin led the charge there was a lot of different political organizations that were vying to take over that vacuum yeah power vacuum they were just the ones who did it yeah yeah well yeah no it's just the the bolsheviks just happen to have the best muscle that's what happens with power vacuums it's like no different than isis or anything it's like hey we created this instability. They had the most power at the time. They rose up in Iraq and stuff like that. But during that time frame, everybody else fights for the strength.

I like that one because I'm familiar with it. And it's long enough to – it realistically could have happened. We know the Gulf of Tonkin was kind of – it wasn't a false flag, but it was rooted in untruths. Was that when it started? So that was our first documented, like, hey, we do shady shit. The American public kind of collectively started being like, did we do this on purpose?

What was the quote from the guy, the newspaper guy? I can't remember. It's like a famous quote, but it was something like, you write the article, I'll write the news yeah oh could have been joseph goebbels i don't know uh no it was about the spain oh oh really i didn't know that okay about the main excuse me yeah and that was in 1898 so right when america's really hitting its industrial stride and everything we're starting to become an actual not international power, but we were a power in the region. So yeah, I like that one.

And then that was when the West was. We were still winning over the West at that time. A lot of people don't realize that. We were pretty much done by that time. They were still pockets. 1890s still the cattle wars and everything was going on. Sheep wars, cattle wars.

People were still fighting on horseback back then. Fun story, Spanish-American War. Teddy Rooseveltosevelt can i can i go get it get it i love some jack knowledge dude this dude this is jack this is like watching teddy roosevelt assistant secretary at the i'm here for it like i'm i'm so invested everyone just shut up and we're like go jack i love this teddy roosevelt was the assistant secretary of the navy, which is, back then especially, was a fucking prestige. He was young. He was like early 30s.

He was bound for political greatness at that point. He'd been hitting all the check marks. So Assistant Secretary of the Navy. The great statesman. He finds out that America's going to war. And this is the thing. It's the ironic thing that Teddy Roosevelt received a Nobel Peace Prize when his proudest accomplishment was killing a spaniard

with his bare hands um but america's going to america's going to war and he's like fuck this washington dc bullshit resigns and he goes right to the second right right to the secondary war is like i want to have my own cavalry regiment and um he becomes um he becomes a battalion commander um in for the the last cavalry regiment in u.s history the rough riders yep and he and he did teddy again raised in a prestigious family in new york he was such an interesting character he comes down to san antonio to the manger hotel the manger bar which has been open since 1858. Where we just were like a week or two weeks ago. Yeah. He walks into that bar and he says, I'm raising a fucking cavalry regiment of all the freaks and fucking weirdos and psychopaths from South Texas.

And he recruits the Rough Riders. He recruits a company of the Rough Riders out of that bar. I love this part of Texas where you only need to walk in and say that, and you find your whole group. Yeah. I need fucking psychopaths and freaks. Found him. There's a bullet hole in that bar that they say Teddy Roosevelt shot because he was getting the shooting matches in the bar,

who can shoot the closest type of masses. It's right near the mirror. If you walk in from inside the hotel, there's a mirror right next to where the bartenders go behind the bar right yeah and there's a hole right above they say that's teddy roosevelt's bullet hole but he raises he trains them over at mission concepcion which is one of our other uh not everything's the fucking alamo we got four other missions that are beautiful and they're not like the alamo which is just a giant gift shop there's four other amazing missions in san antonio that not enough that that people don't go to

they're actually active franciscan churches and owned by the department of uh parks or the the the park department which teddy roosevelt created one of his greatest legacies to the united states anyways teddy roosevelt they raised they trained these guys to do cattle uh or to to do horseback and become a cavalry regiment and they get down to Florida, and they're about to board the boats, and they realize this is why you never call anyone a pogue because pogues are important because someone messed up logistically and, like, we don't have room for these horses. They're like, okay, well, we're a cavalry regiment.

It's just going to be you guys getting on the boat. So they take them down there, and they did all their fighting in Puerto Rico and Cuba as infantrymen at the last second. And they charged San Juan Hill and Teddy killed a bunch of Spaniards and he got to knock that one off the check mark of things he wanted to do in his life. And then he, and then he became president shortly after. Do that.

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If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. Ben MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. That dude is a baller because he's, what are his biggest accomplishments

other than like that? He just, again, coming from a prestigious life and then being like, hey, I want to learn boxing, fighting.

He boxed kangaroos in the Oval Office. Yeah. Because like, that's the thing he's known for. Like you see like the cartoons of him with the boxing gloves and everything. Yeah. So, Teddy Roosevelt was our Prince Harry?

No, he's better. I'd say better. No, no, no. Way better. Yeah, because, like. Way better. But he's the one that was, like, no, I'm going to go fly fighter jets and rescue the kids and shit.

And he's, like, I don't care about this royalty shit. No, Teddy would. Because he did other crazy shit that was, like. Dude, like, oh oh where do you start and again his greatest legacy is his conservationist attitude we have oh he created our park system national parks and via the world b it's like really the only federal government entity that everyone can agree on like we need to have this is good yeah do you know why Teddy Roosevelt killed that Spaniard with his bare hands? He littered.

So we could have Yosemite. That Spaniard died for your natural freedom. He threw a sarsaparilla bottle out of the bar and Teddy was like, not on my fucking watch. Bro, that's another thing with Cuba. I started learning about Cuban history recently. Holy fuck.

That's a country that has some stories to it. Holy shit. I've always just imagined, like, okay, there was a coup in the late 50s and this asshole took charge. Cuba's been in a constant state of revolution. They make us look like we're fucking stable as fuck. That is a land of fucking cowboys and interesting characters down there. Slave trade, sugar, all that shit.

Everything, yeah. It's always been the center. They arguably are the center of the Americas, the Western Hemisphere's freaking existence. In a sci-fi sense, they always remind me of the asteroid right outside of the civilized world that everybody does their trade at. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what it was for hundreds of years. They're the unregulated space station of the world.

Yep. Dude, it's crazy when you see... And it's just one little thing. And they call it... I mean, the Cuban Missile Crisis came from just that. And you're like, what the fuck? The Soviets convinced one country in the area, like area like hey you want to let us hang out for a bit and it caused so much disruption almost ended 90 of life on earth yeah and we missed that

just because wasn't there even a glitch in the radar or that's in the that's a different story that's a phenomenal story the russian guy who like basically said like we're not 24 year old lieutenant that's the one some lieutenant literally is arguably the greatest hero in the history of the world and we don't know his fucking name just so i hate that i think he died like four years ago or something like that we know the jonas brothers because that was a he was if he would have the story on that if he did his job all world on all life on on the planet would pretty much be done. He basically disobeyed a direct order because he's like, I morally object to this order.

Yes. And I'm not going to fucking launch the missiles. And he had just enough knowledge for his job. For the audience who doesn't know the story. After you. Oh, shit. Jack, you're the historian, bro. I can recap it vaguely but like i don't i you

could probably tell it better uh just vaguely it's um he uh there was a glitch on the screen and uh it was pointed that there were missiles coming from american station europe uh and he was being told from every direction uh launch these missiles into western europe um and he had enough knowledge to understand something was off with this like to understand that it was a glitch and he disobeyed the orders to fire back and uh turns out it was a glitch and had he freaked out and people forget at this period in early 80s this is right when reagan was starting to ramp up that we're going to dismantle this like it was tense and so if he hadn't had the presence of mind to do what he did the world would be gone yeah how the glitch

it was like one or two and he's like uh it doesn't make sense yeah like this was like a fucking seagull on the radar kind of shit like just a weird random one off yeah and it was that bleep but the immediate response was it was like fucking launch launch launch and he's like ah man i don't think this is he's like on the off chance that this is not real like that's the kind of guy that we deserve to fly him out to the united states to get like a presidential medal of freedom. Yeah. I mean, we should know his name. Yeah, the world should know that guy's name. At least the world should know his name.

I think it's public who it is, right? Yeah. And I think the Soviets released, it's not like they hid what happened. Everything turned out fine. He was a hero. But yeah, those are the names people should know. The Soviets were basically like, just so you guys know, you owe him a thank you.

Just so you know, we were fully ready to go. We were going to kill everyone. Our reply is like, well, just so you know, we were working on that whole Iron Dome technology like fucking decades before you thought we were. So like, we'd be fine. But you know. Which is crazy because Soviet at that time, it is crazy that they did he get punished for that entire thing or was it punishing at first or then it is like clear i think it was at first

he got punished but like they figured out i'm sure he spent a day or two that's i think that's why america has thrived the way it has in war situations even like economic situations is we we don't we take for granted as americans because we're used to living like this that other countries really stick hard to doctrine and following the rules and the way things are supposed to be and we have such a chaotic yeah and that's but that's why we had advantage or advantages over them is again it's not just warfare the enemy can't know what we're doing if we don't know we're exactly we are we are we are a wild card culture and it's not just warfare. The enemy can't know what we're doing if we don't know what we're doing. Exactly. That is the military. We are a wild card culture.

And it's because I think it's in our cultural DNA. It's not like those are the rules we set up for ourselves. It's in our DNA to kind of just roll the dice every once in a while. Our entire cultural identity is based upon the idea that you can't fucking tell us what to do. Yeah. So anytime somebody tries to tell us what to do, we just get drunk and be like, want a fucking bath?

Want a fucking bath? My idea of America is, it was the American experiment is just the idea that fucking dangerous freedom works. Yeah. Whether it's economically, whether it's military, whatever, like dangerous freedom is our fucking idea.

And that's when people talk about these days are the worst. I'm like, we have been in a constant state of chaos since day one. Larry, you can name any decade. I can tell you how things were fucked up and people were nervous and things weren't sitting right. A lot of people don't even realize for the however many years since what, 1776,

since we've been established as a country, we've only had 12 or 17 years of peace we have done war in some capacity in some capacity for over 200 of those fucking years 200 yeah 200 i feel like i grew up in one of the best decades as far as like the 90s was fucking rad dude you got a couple of those years yeah i got a couple of those years but still shit was fucking great my generation invented school shootings i was 15 when columbine happened which is crazy but it's and we also all have hpv and then all the fucking all the europeans are like well that's why you need an assault weapons ban it's like motherfucker

columbine happened during the assault weapons ban. Like the first big school shooting happened while we banned assault weapons. Fuck you guys. Waco, all that stuff. We still had chaotic stuff going on in the quote unquote most prosperous decade. Yeah.

It's just a lot of people fail to realize like America is just chaos. And we've- We live like that. I'm not saying, I'm not justifying school shootings here by any means, but like- It's an important caveat. We should work on that. Yeah. not justifying school shootings here by any means, but it's an important caveat. We should work on that.

Here's the deal, right? If we go into a bar and there's a big, strong dude who's making a bunch of ruckus and causing a bunch of noise, and you go up and you're like, hey, bro, why don't you knock it off? If he turns around, knocks out his own friend, and then he's like, what the fuck do you want to do? You're not fucking with them. You know what I mean?

He just knocked out his friend, and he's still ready to fight us. He just took out his own backup, and he's excited about us. Bro, I fucking love him. What am I going to do to you? Yeah, you literally just explained a metaphor for our foreign policy.

That's basically it. So Jack Mandel thinks we should fire missiles at Israel right now. It'll really confuse Hezbollah. They might just stop. Everyone's just like looking around. I'm sorry, not Hezbollah, Hamas. I don't want to actually... Oh, fuck.

You just opened a fucking can of worms. Am I allowed to make joking metaphors about that yet? Tomato, tomato. I love fucking Jack's last quote on the drunk history, and we're going to end it this way. His last quote on that drunk history episode was like, what are you going to talk about Muslims? And then it ended all the comments.

I saw that in the comments. but what jack mean about muslims like so everyone's just arabs arabs yeah you said i love arab people i know i love the arab people i love arabia i love i'm going to i've been to jordan four times for work i'm going there next year um on my own for the first time i love jordan i the iraqi culture is so phenomenal to me when i experienced it i don't like um i don't like rich i don't like certain countries because the dubai arabs yeah specifically the saudis yeah like they're they're dicks they're assholes but when i've been in places like jordan egypt iraq i've seen nothing kuwaitis are assholes, but when I've been in places like Jordan Egypt Iraq I've seen nothing Kuwaitis are assholes, and then you go into Iraq. They're the kindest people I've ever fucking met Yeah, we didn't even get to talk about the poo culture. You have a tattoo on your arm. What is your oh?

Yep, yeah, yeah I thought it was gonna be a nice story, and he's like oh fuck yeah It's not it's it's one of those I could have gotten this lasered off years ago stories. Oh, no. It's just that I was part of a generation of young men coming back for war where we had to toss them. It doesn't say infidel. That's the stereotypical one.

It's even worse. It's cringe. I'm embarrassed from it because it's so fucking cringe. What's it say? It means like I'm getting it lasered off by the way. Dr. Scott, you know, Dr. Scott, Dr. Scott, he's a he's Hill Country Hill Country surgery in San Antonio. If you're looking for the best plastic surgeon in this skitty in the city, go to Hill Country surgeries. Dr. Scott.

For a second, he turned the red light on. The most random plug ever. Use code cum to save 10% and save nothing. It's so cringe. It means like fighter. That's not bad. Look, he's judging me. I can see it

in his eyes. At least it doesn't say infantry. That's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. No, no. You just have an Ed Hardy tattoo, dude. It's basically... An Ed Hardy for freaking 2006 vets. Yeah. That is going to be it for the Unsubscribe podcast.

Thank you guys, you beautiful people, for joining us. Where can we find you guys? At the local bar, typically. Love it. AJ Wilkerson Comedy on Instagram and youtube boom and mr jack you can find me at jared's house that's where i'm living these days i love it hey guys make sure you stay tuned for the after show mr jack does have to leave so we're gonna cut him loose and then we're gonna do a 10 to 20 minute segment afterwards. Love you all.