Unsubscribe Podcast - 190 - Cristina Mariani Talks Kill Tony, Joe Rogan’s Comedy Mothership & Theo Von | Unsubscribe Podcast Ep 190

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Comedian Cristina Mariani is here to talk opening for Theo Von, working at Joe Rogan's Comedy Mothership & her appearance on Kill Tony! Pre-order your shoes & flip flops! https://www.bunkerbranding.com/collections/unsub-shoes Watch this episode ad-free and uncensored on Pepperbox! https://www.pepperbox.tv/ WATCH THE AFTERSHOW ON PATREON! https://www.patreon.com/UnsubscribePodcast ------------------------------ THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS! PDS DEBT Get a free debt analysis right now at https://PDSDebt.com/unsub MANSCAPED Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code UNSUB at https://manscaped.com SHOPIFY Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/unsubpod GHOSTBED Right now GhostBed is offering 50% off everything if you use the code –UNSUBSCRIBE at checkout or go to https://www.GhostBed.com/Unsubscribe ------------------------------ UNSUB MERCH: https://www.bunkerbranding.com/pages/unsubscribe-podcast BUY US A DRINK! https://paypal.me/UnsubscribePodcast FREE TO USE MEDIA (Please tag Unsubscribe Podcast) https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1uppmQHMGf8uI2OuOatp932e3S2VGy0PE?usp=sharing ------------------------------ FOLLOW THE HOSTS: Eli_Doubletap https://www.instagram.com/eli_doubletap/ https://www.twitch.tv/Eli_Doubletap https://x.com/Eli_Doubletap https://www.youtube.com/c/EliDoubletap Brandon Herrera https://www.youtube.com/@BrandonHerrera https://x.com/TheAKGuy https://www.instagram.com/realbrandonherrera Donut Operator https://www.youtube.com/@DonutOperator https://x.com/DonutOperator https://www.instagram.com/donutoperator The Fat Electrician https://www.youtube.com/@the_fat_electrician https://thefatelectrician.com/ https://www.instagram.com/the_fat_electrician https://www.tiktok.com/@the_fat_electrician ------------------------------ unsubscribe pod podcast episode ep unsub funny comedy military army comedian texas podcasts #podcast #comedy #funnypodcast Timestamps by TimeSkip Chapters 00:00:00 - Podcast Introduction 00:07:07 - Kill Tony Experience 00:10:20 - Writing Jokes and Comedy Process 00:14:58 AD 00:16:12 - Discussion on Veterans 00:20:00 - Brandon Herrera Al Image 00:23:01 - Transition to Comedy Career 00:27:20 - Comedy Open Mics Experience 00:29:38 - Writing Material for Comedy 00:36:48 AD 00:38:22 - Performing in Different Locations 00:40:50 - Navigating Sensitive Topics 00:50:26 AD 00:51:31 Weird Foods 00:53:30 - Traffic Stop Experience 00:59:50 - Military Influence on Traffic Stops 01:02:51 - Content Creation Struggles 01:08:34 - AD 01:09:49 - Choosing Superpowers and Offsets 01:22:41 - Stand-Up Comedy Experiences 01:27:34 - Self-Help Book Recommendations 01:32:40 - Overcoming Anxiety and Building Confidence 01:35:19 - Living in a Hostel Experience 01:38:24 - Closing Remarks and After Show Info Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm Tara Schmidt, a registered dietitian and host of On Nutrition, a podcast for Mayo Clinic where we dig into the latest nutrition trends and research to help you understand what's health and what's hype. There's a lot of wild stuff out there, so we'll be keeping it science-based, research-informed and practical. Mayo Clinic's On Nutrition. New episodes every other week, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to the podcast.

Do people ever jump off the mountains to f*** themselves? Look at me. PTSD? Move on. My little brother's gay, but we grew up Catholic, so he got lucky. Okay, we're good.

Oh, yeah, we're doing a shot first. Just out the gate going hard. Dear God. I know. Well, it's nice knowing a gentleman and lady for once on the Uncensored Podcast. Everyone calm down out there. It's a grill. Everyone turns it off.

Okay. That wasn't bad tequila. That was good whiskey. That was great. Did we even have good whiskey here? Fuck yeah. Did we even have good whiskey here? I think I brought some.

No, Ryan brought a bunch of whiskey to my skate shop. Like really nice whiskey. That's really cool. McBath? Oh, that's cool. That's really cool. It wasn't Ryan. It was a fan sent it to Ryan to drink on the podcast.

We just didn't get it until a day later. Well, that's really nice. Okay, nice. Thank you, fan. Thank you, fan. That's his name. Dude, it took. Okay, it took.

I think we watched your set in shot show of january and that's where we set that up it's like man you should come on the podcast it's almost shot show again and christina's like i got time i opened up my schedule finally that wasn't it i'm just nervous to do podcasts why i don't know because it's vulnerable. I think being on stage is... Cody, open us up. We'll go into that. Go right into this. So we do the... Oh yeah, three, two, one.

Oh, yeah. That's a count of three. Sorry. Jesus. I'm gonna... Here. Three, two, one. Hi, everyone.

Welcome to the Unsubscribe Podcast. I'm joined today by Eli Doubletap, Christina Mariani, Brandon Herrera, myself, Donut Operator. Thank you so much for being here. Oh, my God. There's a girl. What the fuck? We don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. Brandon, get away. Everybody's scared.

Scramble away. I just love how, but we were at the, I think it was the Burbis event, because it was House of Blues in SHOT Show, and we all loved the set. It was a very, very good performance, but we were all just like, man, if anybody understands autism, it's her. She gets it. Oh, yeah. He's going to drink a little more.

Your jokes were, you caught all of us off guard. This is at a veteran comedy show, and you set the fucking tone. Period. And you were just, was it family that's military? No, I just... Hate veterans. Yeah. Just the homeless ones.

I was just kidding. No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I panicked. I was just kidding. I just immediately pictured you rolling up your windows at a four-way stop. Oh no, I run the red lights. He hates homeless.

No, no, no, I do. I love that. No, that was fucked up. I don't know. I read the situation a certain way. Can we cut this part out? You're like, I'm so nervous no oh my god this episode's gonna be great i'm genuinely curious though what like kind of brought you in with burb is or like the veteran community, how did that happen? Oh, Justin. Governor?

Yeah. That's our boy, Justin. Yeah, he asked me to come open for him because he headlined that show. That's right. Justin's a good guy. He's doing Killtonio. Yeah, he just did one. He's doing...

He did it twice now. Because you've met Justin. Justin's a homie. He's done Naked and Afraid fighting. He's the one that mooned Actman when Actman was on last time. Actman's not used to that. And we look over and there's just an ass just hanging out. I was like, what the fuck?

He's really embraced the Naked and Afraid bit. Yeah. Probably a little too much. Did I ever tell you guys I helped him do his audition video for Naked and Afraid? Actually, while we were filming one of my videos. Yeah, he was. It was a long time ago. Yeah, Brandon was filming a video at their range when we had the Black Rifle range back then.

And Justin calls me and he's like, hey, that's how he talks. He's like, hey man, I don't know much about video stuff. I want to audition for this show, Naked and Afraid. And that's how he talks. We went and I helped him. I helped him start a fire video stuff i want to audition for this show naked and afraid and that's how he talks but we went and i helped him like ethnicity yeah i helped him start a fire from nothing and recorded it for him go back to the mexican accent hey that's it it's just really that's it that's

how you talk it's me welcome to the podcast go from there there. Like, what the fuck? I did not know that. Justin, great friend, brought you on for a set that then got our attention. Like, we all were applauding and dying laughing because, holy fuck, like, there is a line. And then when you cross that line, like, out the gap, it's like. You went from the gays to 9-11 in four minutes. That's not a joke. Kind of impressive impressive my favorite combination

thank you i'm so sorry i just like thank you what's funny is an oscar right now i don't think god for the 9-11 joke i'm already calling it there's a lot of people out here are not familiar with your content your style and they're just thinking like, God, the guys are making her so fucking uncomfortable. This is why we don't have women on Unsub. No, I just have to warm up. I'm sure I'll like,

you know. Booze is for it. Welcome to Unsub. We bully women. Shadow boxing outside the battered women's shelter. That's the title of the episode. We bully a woman. The guest and woman. We don't even put her

name or anything on the episode title. It's like, man, you guys did me dirty. Featuring a woman. That actually would be very funny. We won't do that, but Photoshop her cooking or something. With a black eye.

She's adding to that thumbnail. It's perfect. Congratulations, though. Women aren't funny. You're doing a great job at everything. Thank you. You too. I don't know how to take that. you're doing a great job thank you you too holy shit so like you have nerves going into i'm assuming a lot of stuff you're like ah well yeah i think i've gotten a lot better like my first kill tony i was super super nervous because i was only three months into comedy but you're talking just what fucking yeah dude you kill tony in three months and uh so i was really

nervous but i feel like i've mellowed out i think i'm just nervous because this is like my one of my first podcasts that i'm doing so it's the tiny one so you don't have to worry no one watches this dude if you guys don't know what kill tony is it's like professional comedians get up and they have kind of a uh they got their table it's kind of a panel of like proven comedians and they roast a comedian set and so she was one of the comedians that they were just sitting up there roasting after three months of doing comedy how was it it was good i i had a good set so they were pretty nice to me and i was shaking they saw how nervous i was so they were like oh it was good it was yeah it was a good experience and um yeah you learned i will let you know from our side of it like stand-ups one thing is like

or a live audience is absolutely terrifying sitting down in front of cameras to do this all day no one like no problem but fuck the second you're in front of a live audience you're like oh wow this is way hi everyone i feel like i'm the opposite now i feel like now doing this with cameras is more nerve-wracking than going on stage like i feel like i've gotten a lot better with my nerves on stage but um interesting yeah i always bully myself about that because i'm like look i not to make it worse but i'm thinking like the amount of views that we get and things like that like we're in front of entire football stadiums any given thing we post but when i get in front of a hundred people my nerves go crazy because i know you don't have an editor you know you whatever you say is what people remember yeah and for whatever reason that freaks me out yeah but it's like in the

moment so you know that and also the phones are locked up like at mothership where i perform so that yeah makes it a lot easier because nobody can what? Sometimes, you know, something slips out. They're like, I need to chill. You know? The crowd's audience went, hmm. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. Could you explain that?

No. We had a couple things in our live shows that, were part of the set list that we're like oh man i'm so glad we're not doing this on an actual episode yeah those are definitely hold back and then what going on kill tony like your first time you how many live shows did you do at that point because you're saying three months but how many shows oh probably like one or two shows yeah holy shit but it's only a minute on Kill Tony. So I could really like perfect that one minute that I wanted to do. They only give you a minute on Kill Tony?

Yeah. But then Red Band asked me to do Secret Show and that's like eight or ten minutes. So then I had to like kind of come up with that much time like between. And it helped me like come up with material faster what was your like what is your process because i know you have um i mean everyone does have a different process for writing a joke you have dave chapelle he's like the fishbowl and he made that an entire segment he's like i'll pull something out and i will make a punch line out of that joke or that phrase or that word and that's how I build a set around it.

I've never heard that. That's pretty cool. Yeah, it's really good. That's how he got like, so I kick turn the... That's one of the running jokes. I'm sure you've seen that set. Yeah. He like built up to it.

He narrates it perfectly. Are you doing the same thing? For me, it's like kind of like I'll get an idea just randomly that's kind of fucked up, and I'm like, that's kind of funny. Expand on it. I'm going through a breakup right now, so PDA is really bugging me, kind of seeing other people PDAing. This is bad. This is really bad.

Go on. Go on. Go on. F*** them PDA people. And then I'm just kind of thinking, what if I'm so dumb that I think f*** is PDA people but and then I and then I'm just kind of thinking like what if I'm so dumb that I think is PDA and then and then I'm just like god that she's pissing me off she wants me to see she's blowing a whistle and so then I like kind of make a joke out of that and it's to be fair it's really tough I didn't want to say it. To be fair, it is a unilateral PDA.

It kind of, right? It's like, goddamn, I'm kinky, but I don't even like a gun to my head. So it's like really fucked up. But see, this is not, I shouldn't have said that. You're just walking by and you're like, show up! Yeah, exactly!

They're blowing your whistle! God, I see you, I get it, I'm alone. Look at me! now i have to wonder have you ever seen an episode of unstopped um yes kind of i've seen clips i don't watch your podcast either it's okay yeah i don't have one um i hope that you don't have a what? A YouTube? I don't. I've watched it. Well, clips. But it's just jokes. It's just stupid jokes like that. Like stupid misinterpretations that like... I'm sorry. I feel like that was a fucked up one.

No, no. You're just starting right in. Everyone's like... That's why I asked because that is a very unsub level of... Yeah, but it just, like, pops into my head, and I'm just like, that would be so stupid if, like, you were dumb enough

to, like, mistake those things, you know? Can I tell them about what we were talking about? Sure. Land Before Time. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Wait, what? I mean, it's... Oh, you weren't even here for this. No, but now I'm... Put that seatbelt on. Go on. 90s children cartoon, Land Before Wait, what? Oh, you weren't even here for this. No, but now I'm... Put that seatbelt on. Go on.

90s children cartoon, Land Before Time, the dinosaurs, the star leaves and all that stuff, right? The cute little dinosaur, Ducky, the actress, her father, her and her mother and the... It was like a double homicide type situation. Shot them. That's hilarious to you. What was it? Ducky should have ducked? Ducky should have... I don't know.

I think it was Connor. It went completely quiet and she's like, damn, I wonder what she did. But I was going to say that here. I mean stuff too don't put this back on me

don't put that even on me Ricky Bobby comments like she needs to be back what do you think about veterans just going to deep topics um I'm gonna warn you if you have a political career don't continue that sentence What do you think about veterans? Just going into deep topics. I'm going to warn you, if you have a political career, don't continue that sentence. No, I was just thinking about this earlier.

Do people ever jump off of mountains to kill themselves? I'm sure it's a rare thing because it's harder to jump off of a mountain because usually it's like a descending. Well, I just feel like because I just climbed a mountain this week just to feel better. And I'm like, when you climb a mountain, you don't feel bad anymore because you feel accomplished. So I just think like maybe you should climb a mountain and then jump off if you still want to. But I guess to answer your question, they can't because they don't have legs, probably. What do you think about veterans? Well, first off, you should climb a mountain because I felt good after that. And if you don't, just jump off.

No, I just... Crying at the bottom. American flag eagle swoops. I'm just saying crying at the bottom of a mountain. I heard it didn't work. Well, that one didn't really land, but you know. Now I have no arms. Literally. American flag eagle swoops. I'm just crying at the bottom of a mountain Didn't really land but you know now I have no I'm a ghost What are you doing? I'm here to tell you about GhostBed. Is this an ad?

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I don't think veterans should themselves. Hot take. Hot take. I think they should be happy. Why don't you just be happy, guys? I'm so sorry. I don't know. I really admire what they do and what you guys do.

Thank you, Brandon. Shut up. No. The amount of people, I did a meet and greet at the GOA convention in Knoxville. The amount of people that walked up to me, it was kind of like I'd bring in the handshake super close,

like, hey, Lydra. It was, by the way. And they do that real quick. I'm like, fuck you. On sub viewers, you know who you are. We've started, but... It's forced valor i just i'm that's a new shirt it's like ptsd why don't you just be happy and it's your face like

just forget about it yeah just forget about it is war that bad? PTSD? Move on. Yeah. It's just awful. It's just the worst messaging ever. It's her smiling. It says, war is heck. She has like a military helmet. War is heck. Holy shit. Veteran let them eat cake. You were like, okay, I've done three sets and now i'm ready for kill tony

wild idea did they ask you or did you prep for it or did you try out for the show and like okay i just signed up like i write my name and then they pull it out of a bucket so i was signing up for probably a month and then they pulled my name and then i got to so two months in yeah yeah yeah um before i started signing up because i knew the minute i wanted to do so i like wrote it out and so you were seriously like i want to do comedy now kill tony should be one of my first things i do everybody was talking about it everybody was like kill tony kill tony and then everybody was telling me not to sign up until i was at least a year in and i was like but i have a minute why wouldn't i sign up i i think it's funny i think i want to do a podcast hey joe rogan holy shit you want to be my first guest joe rogan yeah no but it worked out

like i guess it could have gone really bad but i don't think i would have i'm too nervous to put myself in a position where i feel like oh oh, this wasn't going to go well. So you were fine. What was that bit, your one minute? Like, hey, I have a one minute to capture. First off, amazing job. Jeez, none of the people at this table would probably right now sign up for a Kill Tony event. Yeah, but I was going through something.

I was going through something. I was going through this whole phase of my life when I started doing comedy where I was like, I'm going to do scary things, you know? So just like the rest of us, trauma made you funnier. I mean, I didn't go into the war or anything like that. I'm like, neither did I. Oh, really? No.

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Truck Month is awesome! Ask your Chevrolet dealer for details. She looked up chat GPT. I know, she's like, is Brandon a veteran? It's like, he was a Marine. He served... He had an AI now trick that he's a veteran. So I did one Veteran Day episode, Veterans Day,

and unbeknownst to me, I was just going on with like two of our veteran friends eli decided to uh rewrite my life canon at that point and try to force valor upon me so i was never in any branch of military service people get really mad about that now i've never claimed anything otherwise but thanks to this fucking dickhead now even chat gg poop says he served in the mar. He has medals. He's a decorated war hero. Like, AI is like, Brandon is a hero.

And the Marines out of all of them? I'd like to think I could have scored higher on the ASPAP than that. Just eat crayons. Generate an image of Brandon Herrera. It's him in a vet like a a plate carrier and always dog

tags and he's like in the streets of felicia like dude ai is just fully like that is a war here my joke is always like i never did any branch of military service ever internet uh but i did a 25 year tour in fayville, North Carolina. So you're like, it's that counts, right? Yeah. Fort Bragg, Jesus Christ. Fuck that place. I hear they gentrified it.

Yeah. That's a new name of gentrification is fucking awesome. What is it called? What's Fort Bragg called now? Fort Liberty. But I refuse to say that. Yeah. It's I went home recently. I went back. I still hate went home recently. I went back.

I still hate that place, but I went back. Everything's Fort Liberty now, and it was frying my brain. I don't like it. Yeah, see, I didn't even. I know they started naming the bases different stuff, and I was like, oh, yeah, that's a thing now. I forgot about that whole thing. I'm just upset they couldn't have named it after something. They couldn't have named it after somebody really cool.

They just went the generic, like you hired a marketing intern, $30. For Liberty. Liberty's so cool. ChatGTP. Coming up with the name. Long story short, no. We're in the same boat. Neither of us have ever... These guys did.

What branch did you guys do? It was Navy. Army. Army. It was fun. Army. Army. It was fun. I wouldn't recommend it. Good choice. Not doing it again. Never in a... Thank you all that served now.

I would never do that again. I'm like, fuck. No. Eli actually went to war work. Yeah. Those were fun times. I got over it. Just smile.

Like whatever your catch line is. Yeah, just be fun times. I got over it. Just smile. Whatever your catch line is. Yeah, just be happy. Ward, just be happy. Alright, we have so many good t-shirts to make. I'm thinking of all of these in the shitty Cracker Barrel. I blew my left nut sack off in the Cracker Barrel parking lot.

The shitty t-shirt format. Have you never seen those? i've seen somewhere it's like uh what's the police one it's like i get on my knees for this oh god you know what i'm talking about i think so it's like the thin blue line and yeah yeah you know chase put it right here and blur out some of it because i don't think YouTube will like that. Or I'm not allowed in Cracker Barrel because I blew my nuts off with my concealed carrier or something like that. My 1911. With my 1911. But it's like the skull and just the cheesy shit you get at the gas station.

The shit you see the boomers wear. And I hate it sells a whole bunch because you see them out in the wild and you're like, oh, people wear this. I want to do an ironic one at Bunker. Just some just really cringy boomer shit just to see how it sells it's gonna be your number one make it brand is number one that's everybody buy it for their dad at christmas dude dad would be so happy wearing that so when um three months you get your your set you're doing that before that what was your lead up to comedy because you had to have something where like i'm doing what was your job at that time i was working in insurance i was an insurance underwriter i'm so sorry yeah it's okay that was really boring

and then i was like this can't be it this can't be my life nine to five like this for and uh then i was just like kind of feeling lost and then i just started doing things that scared me so i moved away and i drove from california to texas terrifying yeah it is scary that makes sense why you live in fucking austin oh i gotta get away from california austin is that is the safe space of california well i heard it was like a young, fun city and it was during COVID too. So California was really shut down during COVID. And I heard that Texas wasn't. That's when we moved.

Yeah. Yeah. So then I moved here and I was planning on like making my rounds. I was going to go to New York and then Denver. And then maybe I was going to go back to California and just like do a loop. But then I started doing comedy and I was like oh I'm just gonna this is because after three months like I started like getting opportunities so which is crazy how long ago was that like or well how long three years since you started doing comedy three years okay and now that's your is

that your main source like hey this is what yeah finally i'm not working in insurance anymore i'm just doing comedy full-time so it was scary though like even that that jump because you still made the jump we have a lot of discussions about it's getting rid of that net so one day you're just like hey i'm gonna do this fuck it i got a little nest yeah like now i'm just gonna make the the leap i going to move here with no family. I'm assuming you have anyone here. No, I had no one to hear. I lived in a hostel when I first moved here. Oh, God.

Yeah. I'm very trusting. I think. Do you have any crazy hostel stories? I did acid like the first night I was there. You are very trusting. Yeah. No, I just.

This guy, he seems super nice he offers this on your tongue I just have always wanted to try doing acid that was my first time doing acid too yeah it was really fun I had a really good trip and that's it it was pretty much it wasn, there wasn't a crazy story to it. I guess there was a. There is a crazy story. I met a random dude. No, no, no.

It was a group of people. I put drugs on my tongue. No, it was a group of people in the hostel. It was like all the people in the hostel. And they were all doing acid, and they were like, do you want to try it? And I was in my like, oh, do scary things. This is turning into a really dark episode i'm fucking here for it dude so good what's your like so uh first time on or

what was your most nerve-wracking moment where you're like oh fuck this is not going according to plan i think right now i think this podcast really. Really? Yeah. Is this more nervous than last? 60 seconds? Yeah, I was like, oh no, I should have said that. I should have said that, but. This is worse than acid with the strangers, dude. No, acid was cool. I kept looking at it. We're not.

No, no. This sucks. Yeah, dude. This sucks. I told you we should have drugged her, man. Come on. Oh my God. It's okay.

I microdosed Ruvi's. Really high tolerance. Really high tolerance. No, acid was cool. I was looking at paintings and they were moving. This is a nice hostel. Yeah, it was. It was really nice. But it just lasts too long.

How long does it last? Like 12 hours. Oh, fuck you it last like 12 hours oh fuck you yeah after like six hours i was like okay i think i'm good now i don't have to that roller coaster you're like man i want off i know this ride this is enough oh we got six more hours on this trip oh no i would have i it would be the six hour mark I have a panic attack thinking I have six more hours. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Fuck. Hell no.

Hell no. I am really curious, though, how you decided to get into comedy and what you did to prep for that. Because two shows. Two shows before Kill Tony? Yeah. That is insane to me. Yeah, but I did open mics, too. So I was like going to.

Oh, okay. Well, okay. So you did a bunch of open mics before that. Yeah, I did of open mics all right so i would consider that like i i was thinking you got up in front of people twice and you're just oh no no just like shows where there was like because open mics like don't really have that many people um shows are the ones that like you can get the most feedback yeah but still like i feel like no like you got 10 20 people or no sometimes there's like three or four people at open mics oh wow yeah feel like no like you got 10 20 people or no sometimes there's like three or four people that open mice yeah so it's like you bomb those that hurts yeah here yeah you can't

make three people yeah i feel like i'd be like i want to be a statistic sounds like childhood yeah can't make three people laugh yourself so going into it as brandon's saying it it's like, okay, you did the show. You had three or two to three shows and then open mics, which are, for whoever doesn't know, that's just you stand up. It's a cycle of how many minutes for an open mic. It depends. It's like two to sometimes ten minutes, depending on the mic. So on average, it's like four to five minute mics you know growing up were

you like hey did people say it's like hey you're funny you're leading up in the thing or you're like i'm scared so i want to do comedy because that is such a like specific thing to make people laugh it is not the easiest of things well ever since i was little, I always liked making people laugh. Like, I just wanted to make people happy. And then in college, someone I dated thought I was really funny. He's actually in the Navy, so that makes sense. Sense of humor. There you go. But I never thought about doing it seriously,

because I feel like my parents wanted me to be a lawyer. They wanted me to, like, you too? Law school. parents wanted me to be a lawyer they wanted me to like that you too law school yeah i uh i just studied for the lsat then got into insurance and i was like i'm just gonna make some money and then maybe but i didn't want to go to law school it was like this boring yeah i was i had my whole life set out for me like law school everything i'm like you know what i think i'm gonna eat a bullet before i do that so i'm gonna try the gun thing I enjoy before I try the gun thing that I hate. Yeah.

Really? Really? Yeah. No. Fuck no. So then it was like, okay, lawyer, didn't work out for you. Doing this, really want this to work. I'm going to then write up.

Where did you start learning how to write your material? Well, I majored in English in college but i was always writing i always loved to read and write even growing up uh but then i don't know i always just like writing for fun and then i started writing just like at work sometimes i would just like try to write funny things just but i never really thought about doing it seriously still and then when covet hit and we all worked remote uh a lot more time on our hands yeah and also I could travel because I could work remote so then I was like I'm just gonna move around but at this point I wasn't thinking I'm gonna go to Austin to start comedy I just went there and then

I was like one of my goals while I'm here is to get up and just try it just because it's scary to me and I've always wanted to and people have told me to try it out and uh and then I did and I really liked it and I felt really good doing it and I've just been doing it ever since you chose a great place to start I didn't even realize that that was like a everybody was talking about Rogan's club opening up too and I didn't know even that that was a thing did you move before rogan uh no i think he was there and he was had he launched alien or a comedy mothership a comedy he hadn't yet um he just last year that's when he launched it damn you went at the right right time yeah and now you open there yeah now i work I work there. So it's insane. Yeah.

Oh, damn. You get some crazy, your photos and everything that you do. I'm like, holy shit. Okay. Homegirl is killing it. Out of curiosity, have you met Shane Gillis? Yes. How is he?

He's great. He's funny. Obviously, he's awesome. That's fun. One of these days, we'll get him. Dude, I know this is a girl.'ll get shane we get like we're expanding now we get with the most random people on the podcast now like the most random we have potential like high potentials on future guests where we're like the mix of people we get on this podcast it's honestly fucking crazy

yeah she was telling me before you guys got here it here, I know you guys do a lot of military stuff. It's like, no, we had Che on. Yeah, Che D'Aran. Che D'Aran, yeah. We had two of the magicians. We had the magicians on. Chris and Wes, my boys. Chris and Wes. I love them. It's more than just military stuff.

Jody Bleshea. We had random people throughout American history almost. World War II, Vats drank those beers. That's why we have like random people that like throughout american history almost war two world war two vets drank those beers that's why we have just two random it's not like we like coolers in china i didn't even notice that 98 99 years old they're just sitting there slamming beers with us it was awesome we're like we're framing at least one a piece and then they were like taking a nap that's how we had to wind it up because he's like one was getting sleepy, which understandable, bro. I got you.

And then the other one, Don has so much energy for 99 years old. I don't have that energy now. Homeboy's just living the life. He is the epitome of also lucky. Did not get even a Purple Heart. He was the only one to survive out of the flamethrower unit that was there. So 1,500

people, because it was two battalions worth of flamethrower people. He's the only one that lived. So 1,500 people. That's crazy. They had a life expectancy of like three minutes or something like that. It was something stupid like that. That's wild. Yeah, his story. And you're like, oh yeah, he was there during the raising of the flag at Iwo Jima.

He was there. Oh, wow. Yeah! So that's why that beer's there. We're just going to keep their DNA forever. Click here when you say it like that. So when we have to invade mainland China, we have a hundred bombs. Yeah.

An army of dons it's gonna be awesome man he's pre-programmed to hate asian people we knew that swing back around like what's going on stop asian hate well hold on now don't get over what's your. What's your next big show coming up? What are you excited about? I'm excited. I'm headlining Big Laugh Comedy in Fort Worth, 604 Main Street. Nice.

Yeah, so I'm excited about that because I haven't headlined much, like once or twice before. Oh, shit. Yeah, and it was like, so I'm trying to get a set together, like a 35-minute set for this. Oh, damn. 35 minutes is a lot. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I it was like, so I'm trying to get a set together, like a 35-minute set for this. Oh, damn. 35 minutes is a lot. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I'm really. But I need to, I feel like I've been stagnating a little bit. Like, I've been getting into a routine. So, I'm starting to feel antsy about. So, I need to do something challenging. 35 minutes will do it. That's. By yourself. I know, standing in front of hundreds of

people by yourself doing a 35 minute set just it my anxiety is already rising i need more alcohol mine too i avoided like responding because i was like oh god i don't know but uh you know i just kind of have to just do it or else i'm just gonna stay at the level i'm at yeah and that's awesome that's a very healthy approach it's always that growth you're like i'm uncomfortable or i'm feeling stagnant i need to push myself to get to that next level and that's i mean literally so far how you've lived your life was like i am i don't like what i'm doing i'm going to take a risk i've been made risk i feel like i always have to like challenge myself though or else i just start feeling sad and when i feel like i'm not doing enough i go and i climb a mountain like we were talking about that earlier in a joking way but like i will just take off and go and yeah climb a mountain you have legs though

like those damn veterans i know i'm sorry i feel really bad for making those guys jokes just smile you don't have to but can you share like one joke from your set that you have coming up um i mean i kind of told you guys the one i'm working on right now trying to make funny the trying to make fun of the one yeah that's trying to make funny of the yeah just trying to like chase is going to be working overtime on this one chase bleep out that word put a grape up really big and we're good put the grapest from whitest kids you know yeah yeah i don't know it's a that's a hard one because it's like you don't want to say

in your set because people get real uncomfortable for some reason. Wow. In conclusion, I love the gays. My little brother's gay. But we grew up Catholic, so he got lucky.

Oh, my God! Nice. he got lucky in a sense because I mean he's still going to hell can you guys say something because I'm going to keep you're doing great fuck Can you guys say something? Because I'm going to keep saying stuff. This is great. You're doing great. Sean's doing good.

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Yeah. Neat. Your sense of holy shit. So what is the worst performance where you're like these jokes? Do you modify your jokes for different locations uh no oh how does that work sometimes i don't think so i kind of read the vibe of the room though i have uh i can see if they're more sensitive so then i have cleaner jokes how i can just sense the tension in the audience like if i if I say a joke, like, that's darker, and then they kind of pull back on it,

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Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connex Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. And so then I just like tried to like self-deprecate in the beginning because I feel like if you self-deprecate, then they're like, all right, she's not a bitch. They open up. Like they open up a little bit. And then I like I can kind of sometimes like ease them in to me being fucked up. Like they learn more about me up front.

And they're like okay she got beat when she was younger there's this there's that like i get why her brain is the way it is but if i just right off the bat i i'm fucked up they're like what the you know like i have to i have to baby that's what brian holtzman says question mark I have to what Brian Holtzman he's a comedian too he says you gotta baby f*** them just like baby steps but objectively worse

yeah I mean no it's your whole yeah this is your conversation oh I don't know I didn't have anything I guess I just baby f*** them your whole yeah this is your conversation oh i don't know i didn't have anything i guess i just baby just like just like like a new t-shirt i i don't know just like a little bit like just use them in just lube them up a little just like a baby fuck

so on that exact note um what kind of jokes do you usually feel like the audience is starting to pull back from? Like, where do you go that you're just like, oh, fuck, wrong crowd? I don't know. It really depends on the crowd. Sometimes they don't tense up on me until I... You make the Catholic jokes in the Vatican, for example. No, that's okay. I mean, most of the time.

That's actually a really good question. It's like, what is the line? It's like, hey, I can make these jokes, but these like jokes, like in depending on where you're at. It's like, oh, that hits home or like gay jokes or whatever. There's certain jokes like in L that you could make and other jokes you really can't versus like rural south like very different what i noticed is you can't spill by the way i was not gonna let that go i didn't realize that that was i felt the splash i don't know what it was what i'm gonna let you just have that one

just the baby splash um people no matter what don't like it when you say you want to kill a dog is what i noticed so that's definitely ruins your chance of being the vice president how many times have you tried that joke and you're like damn it it's only because my nexus you just scratch it out like you're going state by state it's like it doesn't work sometimes i try to be candid and talk about things you know like real stuff you know like not that i want to kill a dog but kind of because no no what kind of dog it's a really small yappy dog that lives right next door to me and it won't shut up and it just I stay up all night listening to the dog just yapping yapping yapping yapping. They love antifreeze.

Huh? They love antifreeze. It tastes sweet. Look, I don't know how to break into the apartment. I already thought about it. I even looked up because it's gotten to that point. I don't want to kill a dog i don't but it's one of those things where it's like when it's your you get to the point where you just realize that you're not that good of a person you know like you're just like would i do something bad yes and uh i guess what i'm

saying is i don't want to kill animals but this specific one just keeps me up all night. It's affecting my health. I feel like I'm getting sick. And I just hear it and hear it and hear it all day, all night. I don't want to kill this dog. I just do. I just, I'm sorry, I don't want to kill it, but... This is like the argument

I hear in court about people killing their spouse. No one else. There was no one else but her dear god bitches man i get it now i get it i don't know if that was a pun or not but that was a great it was i did it on purpose husband murders woman i get it i looked it. Is it illegal to kill an animal? Yes. But only since 2019.

Trump made it illegal in 2019. You can't torture and kill animals. So I guess I'm not going to vote for Trump. God damn it that's the i guess very fucked up version of thanks obama thanks trump a dog was in my no i mean it's it's a dog you know what i really should focus on is the owner the dog doesn't know. It's like a little kid.

Like, you need to discipline it. You need to beat it. Otherwise, it won't be funny. Otherwise, the dog won't be funny. And that dog is not funny. That just brought me back around to the old shop we had. We had a big plastic trash can

that we cut a hole out of and we made like a mouse trap out of it like put the antifreeze at the bottom and like the the bait at the end

of like a stick as we had a ramp through the thing for what to kill to kill mice like kill rats in our old shop

you were talking about dogs and now I'm like Brandon you need to remove the segment altogether. And we wrote above the fucking thing, like, in the nice font, we put Mauschwitz. I think we put the, like, I'll bite my mock freeze. Welcome to Maouschwitz.

You will not escape. Holy fuck, no. I love you. Dude, I... The fur. It's an anti-freezer. After like a week, you just shake it a little bit

and it disintegrates. So like, that's not too bad. Holy shit. Oh no. Oh my God. So my girl asked like asked like because you know all three of the dogs that we have at our house now are are hers and she's like oh well so if something happened to me you would you would adopt all three of these dogs right and i said absolutely except that one i'm taking him to the local tie joint i just feel like eli you know you can make some dog tacos out of them i know just the best

because he's asian and this picture you're just hinting as you walk by your asian neighbors like man that's a really succulent dog 224 no you know what one time in high school i found lost dog and uh i went door to door after school trying to find its owner or somebody to adopt this dog because I felt bad. Oh, no. And this old Asian man opens the door and I go, do you want this dog? I found this dog. And he was like, oh, no, I already ate. He goes to the door.

I swear to God. That is an actual story. Yeah, that is an actual story that happened. And it was just so funny. I was just like. What was your reaction? At first I was like, okay, because you don't expect that. You know, you don't expect somebody to do that.

You had to process it later? Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, wait a minute. Also terrible Asian accent. I didn't know if that was too far. I could have done better. No, you can. I make it all the time.

You guys have to do it first. No, done and done. I do it all the time you guys have to do it first I do it all the time excuse me sir would you like this dog no I just ate very full right now thank you white girl and then they walk off now your turn okay but yours was so much better

every time from then on you're looking for the owner of the dog i'm assuming this is before next door uh you open up you you uh have the neighbor open the door and as soon as you see an asian you're like oh sorry wrong wrong house i'm like no you knock on my door i gotta come to my house oh no i don't know some a some white girl knocked today and ran off with a dog very confused i just picture um you know in cartoons when they see like the, you know, like a fox sees a rabbit and then it just turns into like a cooked chicken or like a. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah person opens the door. Like Pavlo's dogs.

Jesus Christ. They don't even need the bells. They just salivate. I just picture you holding the dog and it turns into a chicken. It gets back to the Asian dude. It turns into a chicken. They're like, never mind.

They're like, never mind. Like, never mind. We like the dog. Oh, I don't like chicken. Like, oh no. Don't like chicken. Tastes like dog. Oh my god, I can't stop laughing. Bro, I told you guys the coyote story.

My buddy's Vietnamese neighborese neighbor oh god yeah fuck you remember that no my buddy living in charlotte uh he was a blackwater guy and like there's a coyote out in his front yard and it's like clearly rabid he goes out with his 300 black out and he shoots it kills it the asian neighbor comes over and he's like can i have that this is a dude that fought in vietnam for the americans and he won a citizenship like fighting for our side so he's like yeah you can have it like a rabid coyote so he comes back a couple weeks later and he's got this this jar full of like gray chunky shit inside of it he's like i made this for you he's like well what is it he's like i pickled the coyote

and just gives it to him he's like thank you it's like horse meat he opened it and smelled it though yeah yeah i think he did you know what i'm talking about oh i you told me the story like a couple years after it happened but yeah dude those ones because like different cultures you have different like bugs eating bugs not for me never will be into it but then i was thinking about it i was like have you never done that like eating the like certain touristy place like they do that like the candy bugs and shit yeah it's on a very low i feel like i'm now more asian than you are 100 you're just mexican we got that in common we we can cut out of your ass people yeah no i was like every time i'm like ah it's

probably not for you i'm just bugs horse meat never tried you've eaten taco bell though that is true never mind i don't know what i've had in that yeah all alone time to trim the old pubes hey beach babe! Are you ready to soak up those summer vibes and get the perfect beach bod? I don't have pants on. Yeah, I noticed. Well, you're in luck, because our friends over at Manscaped.com have you covered from head to toe. With the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra, they'll have you looking and feeling good this summer.

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So get 20% off plus free shipping using code ONSUM at manscaped.com. The summer sun is here to stay, so trust Manscaped to keep those pubes at bay. Did you read Goat near Deploy? Yes, we had goat my bud casey our boy casey he just had he's in japan right now he just had horse sashimi he sent me videos of it because they do they do pork sashimi too which seems dangerous yeah like it will not fuck with pork sashimi. Just raw pork. Oh.

That's why they get COVID. Like, that's why it's like. It's because they're eating pork sashimi and bats. I know. I know. It wasn't Japan. They're the fancy ones. Tell me the difference.

They're the fancy Asians. Ask Activision or Ubisoft what kind of asians they are no i i dated a guy who's chinese and he told me that it's a compliment to be mistaken as japanese but it's offensive to be mistaken as chinese that's what he said. Understandably. And I think all Asians are really racist about other Asians. Everybody knows the Asian tier list. What is it? Japanese, South Korea, Chinese, and then you have like Vietnam, Filipino. Almost verbatim.

Yeah, Filipinos are like the Mexicans of the Asian culture. It is a tier list of... Stop looking at me for confirmation. We don't get the white. You the Asian culture. It is a tier list of... Stop looking at me for confirmation! You're the expert. How do you feel about Asians? Would the whitest man in the room please confirm?

Hold on, let me measure your skull. I've got my phrenology kit in the car. Don't get to me. What are you talking about, them black folk? We're talking about Asians, Cody. You guys were talking about racism?

He just wanted to talk about it. No, no, no. Actually, a good segue to... Oh, first, before we go to the offenders, Brandon. Yes. Traffic stop. You got pulled over. You got just pulled over. So I got pulled over earlier this morning. I was on my way out to middle of nowhere, Texas.

I was driving a couple hours out this morning. So I was a little late. I was driving kind of quick. I had the funniest traffic stop of my entire life. So I... Funnier than the female cop that pulled us over. Yes. Okay.

Yes. So I was drivingnier than the female cop that pulled us over. Yes. Okay. Yes. So I was driving kind of quick. I won't say where I was, but I will say I got pulled over and I did get a citation. I was going 90 and they clocked me at 90 and I will say that the speed limit was lower than 90. I'll say that. I think that's pretty fair. Got pulled over by two state troopers.

They were very nice. Had a great interaction with them because I didn't move my hands really fast and try to bail out of the vehicle. So weirdly enough, if you're polite to police, you have a very good time. Even us, just for reference, I know how I look. I put my hands on the steering wheel. I turn on the dome light i am

like you know what i'm not even gonna fucking i want to be as respectful if i was in their position walking up on a car you know what this dude with tattoos if he's like this dome light on like okay oh it's at ease this thing so and i was i was in the cyber truck the the the cyber hog or whatever people are calling it now i rolled down all the windows because i know they're tinted so i'm like all right just put these guys at ease roll down the windows whatever brand hands on the steering steering wheel yeah exactly just brown things but they were just two good old boys they were really really cool about it and they're like hey you know your registration's out i'm like yeah i know tesla hasn't sent me the uh the the plates yet i'm still waiting on it so it's technically a couple days

out and uh we're going through it like the guy goes back to the car to you know write me a ticket and i'm bullshitting with the guy he's like what do you do for a living i'm like i'm in the firearm space so i'm talking to him he's like oh dude we got an mp mp5 in the truck you know full auto mp5 them new recruits don't have that you know, full auto MP5. Them new recruits don't have that. You know, we're rolling around with it. They wish they did. We're just bullshitting about machine guns.

And we're just, me and him, like for five minutes, we're just like bullshitting back and forth. I tell him kind of a little bit about what I do. I don't mention, obviously, all of this. But his friend comes back. I get a ticket for the, obviously, speeding speeding pretty heavily and a warning for the registration. And we keep talking. They're asking about all the features of the Cybertruck. I'm just showing them because we're just bullshitting at this point.

I know I'm getting a ticket. And I roll back the cover over the trunk. And then they see all the.50 cal shells and everything. I've got a pintle mount for a.50 cal in the back. I don't uh the trunk and then they see all the 50 cal shells and everything i've got a pintle mount for a 50 cal in the back i don't have the 50 on it yeah but there's casings links everything for the 50 in the back and the guy's like i don't mean to be weird but can i have one of those and so he takes i'm like yeah dude of course like whatever i don't care it's like basically trash so he takes one of the 50 cal casings the guy's like i'll be right back goes to his car so you did get a ticket but i'm changing it to a warning and i'm like oh that was those guys were really cool so it's it's one of those things like just

be nice to police not because you might get out of a ticket but you know human just as a nice like being human goes a long ways cody will always say what is it police are there to i forget you're saying protect and serve yeah protect and serve but but it's also judgmental like it's on judgment if you're an asshole you're gonna get a bunch of tickets what is it it's officer officer discretion i think right yeah officer discretion they don't have to give you a ticket but if you're nice to them them, a lot of times they'll just give you a warning. It's the same thing with, it's not only cops, but it's like everybody in life. Just don't be a s***head.

Don't be an a**hole for no reason. It's like, I fully expected to have to pay that ticket, but just because I was not an a**hole. Did you show them the picture of you as a Marine AI? Is that really what it was? Like, I served! Can I see your id brendan's first thing he's like i don't know if you know i'm sorry sir

i pull out eli's purple heart my favorite part is like i can tell the story because they have a i'm not saying where it happened to be uh they have no idea who I am. They had no clue. It wasn't that like, oh, you're blood... No clue. Just random guy that just happened to have 50 calcases. Also two medals of honor. And two medals of honor. You showed him that picture?

Yeah, he's just like, let me find my ID. He's cycling through his strategy to be about that. Oh, sorry about that oh sorry that's not my idea man it's two metal of honors and I accidentally

let's oh I didn't even say this I accidentally let slip with one of the cops who stay behind uh that my front windshield was tinted

I didn't know that's illegal in Texas I was just saying like I was not impressed with it I was gonna get ripped off because it's getting scratched and whatnot

uh but he's like because he was saying oh did you scratch the windshield already I'm like oh no it's just the shitty. But he's like, because he was saying, oh, did you scratch the windshield already? I'm like, oh, no, it's just the shitty tent, whatever. He's like, you know, you ain't supposed to have that. I'm like, me, totally forgot. You're 100% right.

There's a lot of weird laws, even fire. I think I said with a, I put the, no, I had my pistol in the front seat. Just open. This is years back. Cop pulls me over. We just did a range shooting thing so i had a bunch of guns that's probably changed after the new constitutional carry yeah because it wasn't i had my pistol in the front seat that is considered concealed like

oh i had a blanket or something over it yeah he was like that's a felony just so you know like that is a felony felony if i was a dick or if you got a dickhead cop, they could arrest you for that. And I was like, oh, well, thank you for not doing that. He's like, of course. Nice guns in the back. I was like, yep. He's like, I was kind of nervous the second I walked around the corner. Flashlight.

It's nighttime. And you're just like, AKs and M4 or ARs. You're like, okay, Mexican with gun. Most cops, like if you're like a normal dude they don't care they don't really want to fuck you over they just make that tack on charges in case somebody's an asshole you're like oh really you want us to throw the book at you sure that sound about right yep sounds about right yeah police stories anywhere you're like i got pulled over i honestly feel like being a military guy is kind of like being a hot girl. When you get pulled over.

It's what it sounds like. No one's getting tickets. Not military. Yeah, but you had the Marine thing. You did. You did. And they backed away because they didn't want to get AIDS. They're like, don't touch me.

Shit, he's a Marine. Can I ruin his house? Cut. You said he's a Marine, and the only thing I thought of was a cringy TikTok. He's a Marine. That whole thing?

Oh, my God, yeah. You remember that? Oh oh oh my god yeah that poor you remember that oh yeah who was that i don't remember her name but she got like him in so much trouble with his command like i'd be so mad at my wife that was the military equivalent of the i'm snacking video babe what is it i don't know he's a marine loyal strong and he's just standing there like this he's in the background like the shit i do for yeah and then it went viral oh yeah like that probably has how many 20 million views easy yeah one of the biggest ones in 2020 yeah and no military guy like that like that poor husband went through hell. He was roasting him in the comments.

He was the 22nd. Yeah. He's a statistic now. He is. I would be if that happened to me. We should get him on the podcast. I would love to hear that. I would love to hear the story.

No. No. get you do comedy you're what else also by the way if you want a really good youtube series you just doing shit you're afraid of and recording that is actually yeah phenomenal i'll let you know that that hey if you recorded i don't like I'm terrified of getting on a stage. This is what I'm scared of. And then you show your comedy beats and then you show that progression. Might have got one or two views.

I don't know. I feel like I'm not very good at being on social media. Like, I have an Instagram, but that's pretty much it. And I guess I just want people to come see me in person for my content i mean social media is just kind of like the way to amplify that i guess where like you get you get it out like hey you got a couple clips like i've seen your instagram you've got a couple like yeah right immediately recognize oh i've seen this person before yeah but even the clips i do have usually it's somebody else that post them and then make me a collaborator, you know So then I don't have to do anything work. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, so you get somebody like our amazing show

She runs all the socials for us and then we don't have to do the thing We don't like cuz we're awful at it Yeah We are fucking straight garbage if guys if you want to know where the content comes from, it is amazing show over there. People think like, oh, you're influencers, you blah, blah. Like you always have a camera pointed at you. Like we hate it when we're out in public. Like we hate having a camera at our cells.

We just we like to hang out and have fun. And we need people like show to rein us in. Like, hey, guys, you know, you need to take a picture of this. Like, oh, right. Today, she'll take a photo of this. And that's because she took a photo of this not because we were like hey everyone selfie and we do that that is one of the rarest things in this friend group i think if you are that kind of influencer by the way out there and you love

selfing yourself and taking videos that's fine you're just going to hell I don't think I've ever seen Sav take a selfie God no She's really good at that She takes after me Even me I'm like Just do content

This And she's like Content in general Is the hardest thing to do And I get where you're coming from Where it is like I fucking want it God

I don't like being on camera either Like this is like Making me so self conscious Just do this Yeah but let's do Kill Tony Two months in our career. That's because I was going through something in that time.

What were you going through at that time? I'm going to do things that are scary to me, but now it's like I'm done. I'm healthy and I hate it again. Well, this is my life now. No, but I forgot what I was saying. I have such bad

ADHD too. You don't say did you tell i recognize the tics really yeah uh i try to contain it yeah we're all retarded at this table i've popped my thumb so many times you know where i learned that from the table though i learned that from AJ Wilkerson. Oh. He's like, dude, he's like, I'm watching you fucking tick over here. Oh, yeah.

AJ called you out on that. He's like, you're probably autistic. He's like, oh, you don't think you're autistic? Chase, could you please play that little five-second clip? So what he's doing right now is also stimming. Are you talking about me? Yeah. No, he's got the chips. You just got called autistic by an autistic person.

Have you met AJ? Dude, AJ is I think we named that episode the autism test and then during autism awareness month we used that as the reference, or I should say the three non-profits that we donated one of the big ones this is a massive one they're like oh my god we watched the autism test we say retard like 80

times I was like that's the one you watched and like thank you for what you're doing we actually laughed well I tried to take an autism test online because I was curious about it um but then when i took it at the end it was like oh you got to pay 40 to see your results and um i didn't so maybe i'm autistic but but i'm not retarded so because i feel like it was more of a retard test like are you gonna pay for this are you are you autistic and fucking retarded? Almost got me on that second part. Yeah, I was like, oh, you didn't get me.

That sounds like a two-for-one test, dude. It's like, it's okay if I'm autistic. I can live with that one. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I've lost the plot.'re killing it you're killing this so good i'm so sorry no don't do not apologize my parents don't see this welcome to every episode of unsubscribe so far i don't know how this happened it's like one shot and half a white claw i guess that's my limit

you should definitely come down more and just hang out with the group. You get along really well. Everyone's going to love this. It's like pushing for whatever content you do in the future. You're fucking crushing it right now. I don't know. I feel very nervous about this all being out there. This is not.

We've had way harder... Dude, Jody's episode, the guy, that one for the book. So Jody's dad is the one that killed the guy on live camera. And then did six months community... Was that a few years of community service? Yeah, it was like...

It was like five years. No community... Like, no jail time. This dude killed the guy that kidnapped his son on live TV. If you've never seen that, it was like, this is like nineties or eighties. Yeah. It was like late eighties.

Yeah. Or yeah. And then, uh, but the, so the son that got by the person that he killed was on the podcast and he went hard making like, like child jokes. He's the only one that caught

everyone off guard out the gate we're like shit we can do this too and then the only time we've ever in the history of the podcast had a disclaimer at the beginning we're like hey like this episode goes oh and the comments were like, a disclaimer. What the fuck? Oh, holy shit. Yeah, thank you for the disclaimer. It went so hard. So this is still PG-13 on how hard we've witnessed an episode.

So you're good. Okay, that's cool. So open it up. Open that. Once Brandon gets back, we get to do the offenders our sponsor for this video is pds debt because everything is really expensive right now i spent 400 at the grocery store i don't even know what i got milk he got milk one milk you may be in debt right now because the economy is in shambles you know what also comes with debt? Stress, anxiety, existential doom.

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seconds. Go to pdsdebt.com slash unsub. Go now. I'm going. Hey, and then we get to do the offender's bit, which I cannot wait. I'm excited for that. Oh, tequila. All right, so have you ever wondered, if you were part of a superhero group like the Avengers, what would your power be? I've never wondered that. That makes you a normal person. I've never wondered. But That makes you a normal person. I've never wondered.

But I think that's a dude question. Like, dudes are the ones that wonder. It's like, bro. Guys would just be like, to have a really big dick. Everyone's superpower. Just went to hear Ryan McMahon's all set. He is. So we all have superpowers. Like we have created this massive universe,

kind of like the Avengers, but the offenders, you get to pick your superpower. We get to pick the offset. So my favorite is always Cody's. I will just, we, we just have to go off of Cody's cause I think that sets the standard of how

this works. Cody, what's your superpower? Right? So I can fly pretty cool cool power but in order to fly i have to be shouting racial slurs the entire time that's great it makes it hard rescuing certain communities it's like a flappy bird thing you have to constantly press space just to stay in the air so you have tourette's so that's what you have is tourette's your offset is Tourette's never thought about that

going into a section I have it's on fire this is the shitty part like I never thought Unsub would get here and so like I chose my offset years ago when I was going through something very difficult you can change it I'd have to think about that we'll see what the reddit has to say about it was my offset years ago when i was going through something very difficult you can change it i'd have to think about that i will see what the reddit has to say about it but my my thing is that i can

never permanently die but i am constantly myself and so like you die but you don't remember how well yeah no no i can never permanently die yeah yeah but i'll just wake up the next morning and see two of me swinging from the ceiling fan like, oh man, Thursday was rough. So you're like Groundhog's Day. But his body sticks around the next day. But yeah. Oh, so you see yourself.

Oh yeah, body will never. That's what I like the most is the body always stays. And Brandon doesn't remember how he died, but it's 100% of course. My thing is like, man, we had, I took a pill and a b-zone repeat i'm not doing great i still like you wake up you're like man what a good night's sleep oh two bodies on the fan oh man the other me didn't even cut the other one down i was sad about so do you have to kill yourself or do you just do it for fun? I think I do. Asking the real questions.

You wake up in the morning and you're like, I'm done. That was a long day. It's 9.15. Stub my toe getting out of bed like, all right. You remember you're a Marine. You look at the fish. Every day, Brandon looks at that purple heart.

He's just like, well, I guess I gotta f*** myself. So, Eli, your power. I travel at the speed. I'm like the flash. But then I cannot interact for five minutes of when I get to a situation.

So, what your joke plays into, I can't do anything. Stop, man! ma'am! Fight back harder! Blow the whistle louder! Because I cannot do anything other than talk. You just accidentally did the Asian thing. Oh, so you get there really fast.

The whistle. Brodericial! Brodericial! So you get there really fast but then she's disappointed I bet that's real life too that's not that funny why are you laughing that hard

I'm sorry I'm gonna make that thumbnail later so it's her and Sorry. I'm going to make that thumbnail later. So it's her and Sav of the Black Eyed Peas. What's happening? I don't know. One hour, 38 minutes. You'll understand.

What power have you always wanted? We picked the offset. You get to pick the power part. Well, I always wanted to fly, but you already took that one. If you want to fly, we can... Also, you forgot your name. He's the Crime Cuck. Crime Cuck. Yeah, that's a dope-ass name.

Can write a really awesome police report in 10 minutes. I have the words to... Just showing up and be like, I am sorry. I can't help with what's going on right now but in four minutes and 30 seconds breathe this all is all over that's so funny that's kind of like a family guy i saw on family guy it was like they're making fun of aquaman the girl's getting on the beach and aquaman's like hey stop it

you're lucky you're not in the water because just wait till high tide she's like oh god please help and then aquaman's like well you shouldn't have been a whore because he can't do anything about it so god see this the shit that seth mcfarlane gets away gets away with oh my god also you're just saying a new standard for future guests and episodes so thank you for that i'm saying what family guy did i didn't come up with that this isn't my joke yeah i just thought it was it reminded me of your power. Except you're on land and you're just there. Just watching.

Except you have no excuse. With a clock. Yeah. So you can't fly. I can't fly. What power would you like? She wants to fly, though. Okay, maybe being invisible.

Because we have like everything we well so who is it rich that's invisible yep yeah that's what i'm saying if she wants to fly we just got to pick an offset for now so one of the one of the uh one of the folks on on our on subreddit should probably uh do a complete you know uh excel spreadsheet they did all the powers did they yeah oh i hadn't seen a month ago they they like every guest and what their power and offset is and even them in the uh the thread they were like yo they can start doing um because i lost track i did we have so many every power has been taken almost at this point so it's really difficult flying is one where if she's the second flyer we just have to pick an offset

which i think yeah well now i want a different power though okay well you get a picket okay it's not fucking locked in that was your choice don't wow i'm trying to think of what now i want something else cool okay how about where do you want to eat eli she's like i always know where to eat. No. Offset, you're a man. Don't. Fuck.

Beer goes. It's kind of like the Hulk, except I turn into a dinosaur. Ducky. So your superpower's changing into a baby dinosaur? You get killed by your father. ducky so your superpowers changing into a baby dinosaur you get killed by your father is that the offset am I just swinging on the fan with you

ducky no it's fly i don't know i want to turn into a velociraptor what dinosaur a baby dinosaur dude the idea of turning into a dinosaur really gangster superpower

but or something cool like i was literally just thinking nobody's done the hulk thing yet dude the hulk thing's great yeah but it could be like anything like maybe i'm a shapeshifter like depending on the situation like beast boy yeah depending on so i can like change into whatever depending on what it calls for that's my superpower what oh that's yours's mine, and the offset is that every other time I'm a sex toy.

I forgot. Connor's like, I got this, guys. Boom, dildo. No, no, I got it. I just got it. He's like, I want a T-Rex.

Male or female? It was, it's, it's random. You have a car? Fleshlight? Yeah, dude. Or I could get a fucking butt plug and I just hope they don't get horny that day.

Sitting in the top drawer. I forgot that was it. If they have a butt plug, they're going to use it. Who has a butt plug in his house? Where was Connor during Infinity War? Top drawer. He was in every scene, I assure you that.

There's a reason Hulk smashed. Hulk angry. Infinity whore. Shapeshifter. Okay, what is a good offset for Shapeshifter? Well, he has that one too now. One out of three times you're Jeff Goldblum for 24 hours. I feel embarrassed. I don't know who that is.

What? It's my son, Wendigoon. I'm sorry. Actually, I don't know who a lot of comedians are either. I feel like I don't watch that much stand-up. Jurassic Park, the really creepy guy. You know, the water over the hand, that whole... You've seen Jurassic Park. I've seen Jurassic Park, I just

don't know who you're talking about. The guy in the all black that had his shirt ripped open for no reason. He was in The Fly. Did he have glasses? Yes, I think. Okay. I know who it is have you seen the fly no i haven't seen the what's another big movie that jeff goldblum he's a rock and rock independence day independence day yes yeah yeah he's the scientist independence day so he never plays the main character is what okay i know who that is yeah i'm just bad with names. I feel like I could do the Jeff Goldblum impression that Wendigo does.

And Hunter always cuts it out. It's so bad. I'm so sorry. No. Isaiah, I love you. That is one of the worst Jeff Goldblum impressions I've ever heard in my life. You should play Hunter's version of Wendigo. Oh, God.

You have it. Cody has it, dude. It's so funny. Dude, you should play that because that's fucking hilarious. That is like a segment that will get clipped. Hunter, this is for both of you. We could ask them if we could do this. Yeah, we'll shoot them a text.

Be like, hey, is that okay for an episode? It's on your text. Dude, okay. Jeff Goldblum turned into that. What else is another offset that is a possibility? It's on Hunter's text. Shapeshifter. Whatever she's not shapeshifted, she has to be a woman.

What an offset. I don't think I can punish anyone enough. No, I mean my original thing. That does suck. No, I that is hard whenever you're not shape-shifted you can't vote jeff goblum that i'm trying to think of another offset i always like to do any other offsets jeff goblum Kamala Sex toys The sex toy one is pretty good Not gonna lie

That is why we got That's why Connor's offset Is really gangster Is it like a Like a luck chance Of the intelligent level Did uh Did Hunter send you that

He did No I found that one I was listening to their latest podcast. Oh, I thought that was a clip. Right? It was an audio clip. He texted one of you guys the revised Wendigan impression. Dude, no, he sent that for your birthday, Cody.

He did. Happy birthday. Yeah, that was a birthday message. Was it one of those? Oh, yeah, it was a birthday message. Was it one of those? Oh yeah, that was a birthday message. I got it. Do you know who Meat Canyon is?

No. You don't do any YouTube, do you? No, not at all. I feel bad because I don't see. Yeah, but even comedians, like I said, sometimes big comedians will come in the club and I have no idea who they are. What do you do on your – do you stare at a wall?

I write. I write and I read a lot. She does kill Tony like none of us have done. That's very true. That's terrifying to all of us. We've all wanted to do stand-up at one point. No. Ever.

Except for Eli. Yeah, I'm good. What if we do like a two-minute piece. Just like a short one. That's what we're going to do on this next tour. Oh, I hate you. I don't like that. You want to do that? These are like 1,100

theaters. Yeah, it's terrifying for all of us. That expression just said cool. No, I've done theaters that have been like 8 000 people so like oh yeah thousand jesus christ yes how's that insane but it's almost like certainly you can't see anybody so there's that but then you can like hear it and it's just so you're performing for the first 300 people really not even like i mean you can only see like the first two rows but like you see how vast it is

that's crazy yeah it's really cool it's cool it's it's just electric you can feel the energy in the room thousand is yeah sanity that is because our first we did like 500 we're now we're moving to a thousand seat, which we're super thankful. All y'all, thank you so much for that level. Turns out a lot of y'all motherfuckers is autistic. And you like showing up to these shows. You're like, yes, we'll be there. I'm like, what the fuck?

Oh my God, this is terrifying. But 8,000 is that next level where you like walk up there and you're like. Yeah, I know. It was just like, but it's only one time i did a thousand people it's not like i constantly do that who are you open up for theo theo oh god okay yeah no that was yeah it was crazy so writing reading uh what kind of books are you into like reading are you into like hey i love to read comedy or are you like more into sci-fi fantasy fiction it depends uh i really like non-fiction like self-help books sometimes when i'm going through it like just self-development

that's your life so every every every once in a while when i feel like i'm not doing good i'll be like oh this is something i need to work on then i'll look for books on that to try to learn about it um but then when i'm just like just fun, I'll read like murder mystery kind of like thriller type of books. You like your murder porn? No, just, you know, regular. Regular murder. Regular, just good old-fashioned murder. Good old-fashioned killing.

No, I'm trying to think of the last book that I read that was... Fuck, I forgot what it's called. What was it about? I'm blanking out now. No pressure. I'm sorry, now I can't think of... I know. Camera's slowly panning in.

Music's getting more intense. Do you listen to the Murder podcast? I used to listen to the Murder podcast. Now she just does it. She just kills people. Yeah. Specifically her neighbor's dog. No, I can't do that.

That's her offset. She can change it to a dinosaur, but she only kills innocent people. She's got the Matt Carriker offset. She has to kill a dog to change. She's like, shit, how do I blend in? It's her former Watson, our cool guy.

We're just like, Jesus fuck, she's so weird. She has to continually convince her neighbor to keep getting more shelter puppies. She'd get another puppy. Yeah. Don't let it get you down. It's only the eighth one this week. It's not the dog's fault.

I know that. I feel bad for saying I want to kill it. I just haven't slept, you know? Look, all I'm saying is flank steak can fit underneath the door frame soaked in antifreeze. Oh, you're right. Chase?

I don't know with that clip. You do you. We're giving tips on like Cody sliding a fucking steak under under i felt like the fallout like negative 50 dogs after putting that clip on the internet animals what but like what other books okay you have when you're or sorry uh mine is the book you're reading now that you don't remember what are some series where you're like, hey, I really enjoy this one. I'm big into self-help.

We talk about this all the time, like self-help motivational or when you're going through shit like, hey, how do I get through this? Add to my tool belt so I can learn stronger and learn. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy concept. Yeah. I don't know why I'm blanking out on all the names i've read so many of them uh not nice that's a book that i really liked that really helped me uh the subtle art of

not giving up that's good that was a good one yeah that was a good one i've never read not nice uh not nice is good and especially like I was raised in a really Catholic household. So I was raised to be super polite and just feeling really guilty about everything. And that book really addresses a lot of like lucky brother. Yeah. A lot of that stuff. So,

so that's a way. Not nice. Stop people. Oh, people pleasing, staying silent or feeling guilty and start. And I'm still working on that, but that one really helped me. Like a lot of the things he was talking about. Oh, people pleasing, staying silent or feeling guilty and start. And I'm still working on that, but that one really helped me. Like a lot of the things he was talking about, um, I resonated with.

And, uh, just like that guilt pretty much is something that you don't have to feel guilty most of the time. Like, like saying no, uh, like say, go back to your previous joke. Yeah. Oh no. the pickup line that's where it comes from like what a good book no no he talks about doing things like uh just saying no to people even for things that would be really easy to say yes like some one of his co-workers was like hey can you

help me do this and he was like no and he's just like he seems like a dick but it's okay like it's just about overcoming the judgments that you're worried about people having about you and just setting boundaries and i'm really bad at that because i get really anxious if i feel like someone doesn't like me which is why i've been so nervous this whole podcast because i'm saying fucked up stuff and i'm like oh god people are gonna hate me you're like man she was a really good pg-13 episode that's gonna be the comments like she should come back that was hilarious we work on that uh sav that's one thing we've worked on a it is being okay to be like hey like i am autistic when it comes to i just need communication and i just want directness because it makes life so much easier so it is like hey just say why you don't

want to do that or you want to do that and then we can move forward because if it's that weird like yeah I'm just do you want to move do you want help me move okay when people ask me to hang out I always want to say no but then i have i'm like yeah maybe but then i don't want to chase what we're talking about right now that's the only reason you're here right now we just pressured you enough honestly a little bit it's working Let's get Ice Cube on. We just kept pressuring her and she caved. Yeah, but that's something I'm working on. I'm working on setting better boundaries. I'm not very good with that.

I think that goes to a lot of people. It's something difficult saying. No, setting boundaries, especially when you're doing this. Where you are in your career you have that point where you can be like i don't i don't want to do that i don't want to open up for them i want here's my pay rate it affects every aspect of your life and if you don't communicate that because it's hard sometimes your average person hates saying no period yeah relationships whatever it is business partners a lot of times it's like

yeah whatever yeah i feel like i've gotten a lot better at it but uh i still am working on it i mean it's always like you're always a work in progress and and for my fun books i just remember like the housemaid that's one of the books that i really enjoyed uh it's just it's a murder kind of like it's like a murder mystery one like kind of like it's like a thriller okay yeah i'm trying to think of other ones but that kind of genre freedom mcfadden i like all of her books too do six bucks paperback i back i've always like you just had me looking through my amazon cart or my amazon uh and i've seen like some of these like thank you for my service by matt best like i'm looking

through like previous fucking download purchases or like downloads like i've read a lot of this stuff like never split the difference by chris voss uh the obstacle is the way by ryan holiday like a lot of these like i really like self-help stuff. I almost exclusively read nonfiction because I just enjoy it. Dude, those books, though, are how I truly believe if you want to be a better person, it's that therapy. Those are your two key aspects in life. It's like, hey, how do I get ahead? Or, hey, how do I get this motivation?

Because leading up to your big jump from I am doing insurance and now I'm going to do this giant step. Any help? Did you read a book? I read all self-help books, like a year worth of self-help books where I was like finally like, yeah, I just got, it was like basically pep talks that I got from reading these self-help books. And it helped though, right?

Yeah, it did. It did help. And would you change anything from that like it was probably terrifying doing that jump yeah but it's so rewarding to do to just go past that anxiety and then you're like oh i feel brave like that's how you get confidence i feel like is you do stuff that you're anxious about and then you realize oh i can do it and then you get a little more confident then you do the next hard thing and then you get more confident and that's and then when you stop doing that that's when you start losing confidence because i don't know that for me anyway i'm also

kind of a no i think it's really true i'm a head case yeah the stare at surrounding people well i think it's really interesting too because like back before i was successful in any right The stare at surrounding people. Well, I think it's really interesting, too, because, like, back before I was successful in any right, like, I was broke as shit. I was driving around in a $3,000 flood car with no AC, no electronics, whatever. Like, I was constantly listening to audio books in my $29 gas station, like, Bluetooth headset. I was listening to self-help stuff and just like people who I wanted to be like, or people that I was learning from who had experience that I thought was valuable. And I learned from that. And I spent years doing that, broke as hell. And I feel like that's not to put too fine a point on it. I feel like that is a lot of what led me into the mindset

that allowed me to succeed. Yeah. David Gogginsins too that's another one that i read his book and uh basically after reading his book i was like i can go read i can go run for three miles it's all mental like it's just in my head it's just being lazy and it was just so inspiring i mean he's kind of insane but yeah good you know all that literally all i do every time i'm at the gym that is every day five days a week it is motivational speeches on youtube where well i lift weight so it's like do you listen to music in the gym no i'm the same i'm the same way i i have my like motivational speech when i click on like a laugh but that motivational is gonna be like yep but like what do you want to listen to bro don't you cannot give up i'll click that and then listen to that when i work out the entire

time because then i'm like i'm i suck i either listen to shit like that so much harder when i'm going like super hard gym time i either do like that or i listen to sabaton there is no in between two choices like this is it it's either that or like i'm benching the bismarck like well i do i i truly believe that's what gets it's what separates everyone especially like the people sitting at this table it is okay i'm gonna be uncomfortable for you how long did you live in a hostel for a year a year yeah holy fuck that's how i wanted to meet people i was like a hostel that's how i can meet people and they're not gonna be like stuck up people that live in hostels yeah they're gonna be like cool people that are like kind of doing the same thing maybe a few like crazy yeah people that give you acid on the first night

um and i was about that yeah it was like the first or the second night it was like very soon and i was like well i'm in a good state of mind i've read all these self-help books i feel good like you're not supposed to do psychedelics if you're in a bad place because it makes you have a bad trip. But I was pretty confident I was going to have a good trip on it just because of how good I was feeling about myself doing this stuff. And I was right. It was a good trip. They put on a hostel.

No, no, no. The movie hostel? Yeah, the movie hostel. You're tripping balls? Damn, they cut that eyeball off. Holy fuck. But that's where you got to your next step where you're like you did that for a year which is insanity to me i had a lot of fun though i made like a lot of really good friends that i'm still friends with and uh i even live with one of

the people i met in the hostel and he's great i'm very trusting though because we live together like after not knowing each other for that long honestly and uh but he's great and i worked out so pays the bills yeah i mean we both do i hope yeah i'm freeloading take off i let him know that next month's to be the big break. But he gives me acid. Still giving me acid, though. We're fucking on top of it. It reminds me of the DiGiorno's thing, I think it was. It was the why I stayed, the hashtag why I stayed.

It's like domestic abuse survivors talking about their experience. And then DiGiorno's hops on Twitter, like hashtag why I stayed. He gave me pizza. Wait, dude. Dead serious. This was actual Twitter? Actual Twitter. Their intern thought that that was a good idea.

I'm more amazed that they hired somebody, gave them the social media, and that social media person was like... Maybe he wanted to get fired. Maybe he was like. That's a rad way of quiet quitting. Yeah, but it worked probably. Everybody knew about DeJornal

after that. True. Yeah. I saw that and bought a fucking pizza, dude. It was awesome. It's like, now I want to try the pizza. Hell yeah, brother. Pepperoni, extra cheese. I'm going to eat pizza What made you want to try this pizza beats me laughter

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laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter laughter after show I know holy shit we can uh we can just go right to the after show after that

after that that fucking beat that sets the tone out after that beat yeah sorry hey Cody

send us to the after show guys thank you for joining the unsubscribe podcast today with a girl there's a girl. There's a girl?

I'm joined today by Eli Double Tap, Christina Mariani, Brandon Herrera, myself, Donut Operator. Thank you so much. Check out the after show on Patreon. And where do we find your stuff? Oh, on Instagram. C-R-I-I-M-A-R-I-I. Creamery. It sounds gross.

I didn't realize it would sound gross. I am creamery. I make f***ing jokes. See you guys in the afternoon. See you guys. You don't know my name I've been seeing you all day You don't know my name I've been seeing you all day We'll see you on the next one.