Unsubscribe Podcast - 22 - S.H.A.R.Ps

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

NEW EPISODES MON/WED. TOTALLY. ALL THE MICS ARE WORKING. THIS TIME DONUT IS BACK. THIS IS YOUR YEARLY S.H.A.R.Ps BRIEFING. PAY ATTENTION. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that, actually, they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and

terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. That was good. Three, two... Welcome to the Cold Ones podcast. Oh, wait, wait, wait. How'd he do it? Legally.

It's been so long. It's been a week. Oh, no, he's been gone. Cody wasn't here. Yeah. Four weeks. It's been a long time. Was it four weeks?

Without you, my friend. Without you, my friend. I mean, you were gone for two weeks? Yeah, I was gone for two weeks. Oh, that was the longest two. We realized that you are the glue that holds our relationships together for breakfast. The cum that holds us three men together. During sex, yes.

The cum that holds our sex together. I don't like that anymore. That's what you got to tell your partner. You're the cum that holds the sex together. Really let them know you love them. You're that stick on my back. You're the towel I have to grab. I hate it.

Oh, my God. Batty, what's it mean when it just goes red, red? Red, red? What do you mean red, red? It's like, watch when we do that. Don't do that. What was that? What does that mean?

It's when you laugh. Don't do it. What does that mean? Do we need to test that? No! What is that? What was that? Stop hitting the table. Well well now it's not doing it

okay i just when you hit the table it breaks everything stop hitting the table is that how your audio broke last time you know i mean maybe oh yeah didn't you get too loud last podcast guys hi you can hear me again actually they could hear me last time too because it was picking up through caleb's mic next to me because i'm so fucking loud what it worked out right so yeah last time i smacked the table uh seven seconds in like when we did our audio test it was fine then i hit record for the second time and it you hear us great and you hear the clap and then we hit the table my mic cuts so i'm assuming uh when i was setting up all the mics and dragging shit i just my cable is loose and then i hit the table and it just came out that makes me so nervous i'm just gonna watch the bar the entire time now over at it like am i talking i'm talking okay i'm good

this is like fucking 21 episodes and we're still like episode one problems. It's like unsubscribe. Oh, there's no mic on this episode. We're doing this. Did you guys scrap the last one? No, it's still up. You can hear me through another way. I'm just real quiet. We have quality control on this podcast.

How many episodes are we in? This is 22. This is 22. This is 22. This is 22. We're going to do push-ups after this. We're going to save our friends. Sorry, sorry, not friends. We call those ones.

It's the only way to do it. Call your friends. Don't do fucking push-ups. Invite them to hang out. Makes it look way better than doing push-ups. I mean, I'm not going to have push-ups today for my bro. Fuck you. Man, Batty's not really depressed today.

Let's do a push-up. That'll do it. I'll hold him over until brunch. Yeah, your glistening pecs make me feel so much better about life, bro. Thanks. Fuck, man. This is how we're starting. Welcome back, Donut.

Hello. Hi. I went on a road trip. How was that? It was cool, man. Would you go on a road trip in, though? The Hellcat. It was fun.

He made record timing getting across the road. It's weird. I have no idea how I didn't get pulled over the entire time. Because you were legally driving the speed limit the entire time. Legally driving if it was 110. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke.

It wasn't a joke, but it's a joke. We made it to South Carolina, North Carolina in six hours somewhere. It was so weird. It's faster than a flight. How'd he do it? Legally, that sounds. I just picked it up. How do you do it?

What do you do? I'm flying in the air. You're next to him. No wings. It's just your helicopter. Windows down. I think that in Fast and Furious, actually. I think Dom's in your passenger seat Family

You don't need gravity I'm still not sick of the Dom family memes I'm not I keep seeing more and more And I'm just like I'm happy that whole thing Transpired whoever started that meme There was one person that started that Imagine being that guy.

And you know that's like some basement-dwelling neckbeard son of a bitch who's going to be like, I started this meme, guys. And nobody's going to believe it. None of his friends. He's going to brag on fucking 4chan or Tumblr. What was I doing? Who I did this? I was the one that started this.

That's a good D&D voice. Why can't you do that? This one. That's so much. Anything's better than your redneck fuck. That's a good D&D voice. Why can't you do that? This one? That's so much. Anything's better than your redneck fuck. It's not going to happen. The second it goes back, I'd be like, I could choose this voice or this voice. Or I could do this voice and I'm a dark elf.

Oh, no. I'm pissed, guys. I need a hit on the bar, maiden. I roll a three God damn it Eli I hate it so much I like it better than the other one though So speaking of D&D things It's gonna be starting soon

Like I'm planning I got Darnell's gonna be in Caleb, Lori And I think at this point I'm gonna grab you two And we're just gonna This is gonna be like a little offline Just for me to get my mojo back And then I'm planning. I got Darnell's going to be in, Caleb, Lori, and I think at this point I'm going to grab you two. And we're just going to – this is going to be like a little offline just for me to get my mojo back and then – I would love to do that. That would be amazing.

That sounds so funny. I can't wait to get Caleb into D&D. I do. He's so excited. He's been texting me all the time. I'm like, oh, I can't wait, Caleb, because he's – Caleb's a nerd nerd. It's great. Oh, yeah.

It's going to be good. It's going to be dumb. And also D&D things. Eli, I've got to show you something real quick, okay? So just stay right there. Eli, I've got to get something. Okay, we'll fill in the air. Batty's going.

Okay, Batty's left the room. Batty stumbling around. He's stumbling. He's only had one. Wow. Okay, he's entering the room naked. That's his penis in his hand. Yeah.

Wow. Okay. I see why Lori room naked. That's his penis in his hand. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Wow. Okay. I see why Laura's here. A roll of dimes. A roll of dimes. Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Fuck you. I don't know what that is. Is this Icy Death? Yeah. And then you have Twinkle? Yeah. What are those, Eli?

Describe those to everybody listening. Icy Death? Yeah. And then you have Twinkle? Yeah. What are those, Eli? Describe those to everybody listening. Icy Death and Twinkle! What are Icy Death and Twinkle? And don't say your pet names for me and Donut. My doodles and the Tars I like to hand. Icy Death and Twinkle. This is Batty's and Donut's penis name I gave them. Batty has Icy Death.

Icy Death and Twinkle. Icy Death and Batty has icy death. He leaves me with chills. And Donuts is Twinkle, because that's what happens to my eyes when I see it. Dude, this is Drift Durden's swords. His dual swords. So he's a scimitar. He got this one

from fighting icycy Death. Wait. This is Icy Death, right? Yeah. Yeah. He got this one from fighting the dragon Icy Death in the Ice One Dell trilogy, the original book, when they killed it with him and Wolfgar. They killed this fucker.

Why do I know this? A dragon. Mm-hmm. This is how he got this. This makes him immune to fire or very resistant to fire. Yeah. Makes him immune to fire or very resistant to fire. Yeah, so when he fights the – he fights a few demons from hell, and they didn't have the power they did because he had this. He didn't realize the sword had that power.

And then this is Twinkle. This one lights up. On fire, I believe. Or no, it glows, right? It glows. Yes, it has a glow effect. And surprisingly enough, later in the book series, like book 28, this one gets an upgrade to something.

I forget what happens. Both of his swords get an upgrade because they get Girdlegam. The Dwarven home, the original OG home, they get that and it has the magic forge. And then Bruner reforges the swords. These are fucking dope. Who made these? Where did you get these from uh we were walking in the mall the other day and there was a think geek store that was closing

they're going out of business and those were in there i was like i'm gonna buy those but that space see the space we cleared on the wall and the dm yeah so nobody here can actually see but there's a space on the wall where they're gonna to be hanging. You need like Angus Fang. That's the big one, right? Angus Fang is not Brunner. Wolfgar's hammer. Yeah. He's like throws in. It comes back to us.

Like if I can magically teleports back. And then Brunner's hammer. Brunner's axe is the. Doesn't have the axe of dwarven lords. Isn't like, doesn't it translate over to the axe of dwarves? Yeah, Milnejor. Milnear? That's a hammer.

No. Fuck, what is... I don't... You know this stuff. You know the Forgotten Realms stuff. I know. I know some of it. I know Drit stuff.

I'm like, oh, God. All that shit's like... Don't worry. I have something for you after, too. Are you giving me my... Will you just put this on? What is it? That's Golden Star from Tarkov.

Golden Star. That's actual Golden Star. Wait, that's a Tarkov Golden Star. Yeah, that's the actual. I just want to see you open this. It's that small? Yeah, it's actually that small. I thought it was like a yo-yo size.

Yeah. Tarkov was wrong. So Golden Star is like a lip balm. No, no, no, no. There's Vaseline in Tarkov, but then there Gold Star, he's like, I'm trying to open it. It's really small. It's actually that big. Is this the one?

Yeah. Yeah. I used it yesterday. Is this the one that cures headaches? Yeah, you got to try it. You got to fucking open it. See? It's actually difficult.

This is what cures headaches, AIDS. Everything, right? But it gives you radiation. Poisoning. Oh, you got it open? Yeah. Nice. That smells lovely.

It's actually, I've used, you can see where I used it. Oh. I know. It's, Laura, what is it? What's in it? It's like cinnamon. Cinnamon. Oh, it's cinnamon and cloves in there.

Dude. Oh, my God. It cloves and then... Dude. Oh my God, it smells like... Vicks. No, it smells like when you go to... Oh, who makes the cards? Those, your holiday cards. Who makes... A Hallmark.

When you walk into like the Hallmark or the old people store with like candles and cards. The cloves and cinnamon. Just rub it on your hands. Look. Just rub it on your hands. Think of like Hallmark or those shops. Discover the magic of BetMGM Casino,

where the excitement is always on deck. Pull up a seat and check out a wide variety of table games with a live dealer. From roulette to blackjack, watch as a dealer hosts your table game and live chat with them throughout your experience to feel like you're actually at the casino. The excitement doesn't stop there. With over 3,000 games to choose from, including fan favorites like Cash Eruption, UFC Gold Blitz, and more. Make deposits instantly to jump in on the fun and make same-day withdrawals if you win. Download the BetMGM Ontario app today. You don't want to miss out. Visit BetMGM.com for terms and conditions.

19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact ConnexOntario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Stop. That's enough. Stop it. It's too much. My lips feel funny now.

Look, it's Hallmark. Smell it. It's an old people shop. So for everyone wondering, don't just put the Golden Star on his lips. Brandon will have something to say about this. It's going to make your face all numb. Well, you know, it's fine. You just said do it.

You said do it. Of course I did. I want it for the podcast. It's content. It also is laced with DMT. So have fun and do it. You said lip balm. Of course I did. I want it for the podcast. It's content. It also is laced with DMT, so have fun and find it. It's just going to make your lips all tingly. It's super tingly. Yeah.

That's not lip balm, is it? Well, it's like kind of lip balm. What's kind? You're supposed to put it above your right foot. I just put it on my lips. What's this supposed to do? Can you ingest this? Are you sure?

It's got Russian writing on it. I just turned it on with my fucking body. Brandon did this too. It's okay. He's still alive. Is he? Yeah. Well, we saw him yesterday. Did we? He was kind of mumbling stuff. I thought he was drunk.

I want to get this out of the way early so we'd have the whole podcast to watch what happens. I don't know. So. It's just like. Burns a little bit. Right now. Oh, man.

I want to do it to Eli, but you just felt like an easier target. Wow. That's nice. I haven't seen you in three weeks we love you put this shit that hasn't been approved by the fda on your fucking mouth yeah is it burning great speaking of burning blizzard and activision there that's the transition now we have a good transition into the next show. It's perfect.

How did you open this, dude? What if you got it on your pee-pee? Don't. I know I'm going to have to wash my hands really good. Don't touch your dick later. I mean, okay, just wash your hands like twice. I'm going to wash my hands really good. How did you open this?

Why is my penis glowing? And I had to go like around. Oh, my God. There we go. God, that is miserable. All those two. In solidarity, Batty is putting their gold star on. You boys not.

I'll smell it. Just kiss it. God, that smells like Hallmark. Makes me miss Christmas. I know. Wow, my eyes are watering from just smelling it. That is strong.

That is a potent potable. It's on my lips. Well, if unsubscribed is just me next week, I don't know why. Me and Donut have lip cancer. Your lips are gone. You're just fucking... I'm like, man. These guys are terrible now.

Eli wearing a black suit. Well, welcome to unsubscribe. One clap. One quiet clap. Man, you should have done more push-ups, Eli. Golden star, everyone. If Eli did 22 push-ups, I Golden star everyone. If Eli did 22 push-ups I wouldn't have put that on my mouth.

God that is I can smell that on your guys' lips right now. No. Good. Wait is this what I have to do to get you to stop kissing me? Yeah. I'm going to tell Chocolate to put this on his lips when you're around Eli wear this. Hey Chocolate this will do the trick he likes kryptonite

yeah he runs from that shit put this on your lips and your penis dude i'm trying to like how would that i've gotten pepper spray on my dick before so it'd probably be all in the same lines well they tell you like the first time you get pepper sprayed to lean over in the shower that night so like the water doesn't so but i was like oh i just got a shower like normal forgot what they said and so the pepper spray went from my face down to my dick well that was the second time i got pepper spray on my dick right the first time i got pepper sprayed i got it on my hands and just went in the bathroom and touched it and that sucked really bad what yeah oh honey, it was gnarly.

The first time I got pepper sprayed, I got my nose broke. It was really cool. Wait, what? I don't know any of this story. I've never told you guys any of this? No, this is a brand new story, Tom. I was going to transition to Blizzard, but please continue with this. I mean, we'll transition him hurting himself into Blizzard, too.

I got raped, too. No, we're doing this no we're doing this we're doing this and that was the moment i think that was the moment came out security forces training and then there's this big dude in the red suit and like you're pepper sprayed while you're going through the course and you got a baton and this dude said whatever you do don't hit my right knee i just had surgery i can't see and i crow hop and i hit him in the right knee and he's like six five 250 pounds and he just goes boom and he breaks my nose while i'm pepper sprayed and then i i stumble off and i have to pee and I touch my dick. So my nose is broken, I'm pepper sprayed and my dick is on fire.

Yay, military. Oh my God. That sounds like... Why would you... Oh my God. Don't hit my right knee. Why would you put that dude in the combat line? It's like, hey.

I don't know. My knee just got surgery. Okay, well you're up to fight people. This should be fine. Yeah, it was was fine that sounds terrible it was the worst day of my life probably i got a picture what was that for just it was a auxiliary security forces in norfolk it was just like like police gate standing type shit and that was at in the military yeah that was in norfolk maybe no shit did like, we had, our basics was like you had the baton thing.

Yep. Where you fight with the little, the pugil sticks. There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they put me against the smallest kid ever for whatever reason. Because I'm like, but this kid was like a buck 18. And Joel Sarnes didn't know I like fought or anything. They were like, oh, Eli, you can fight him.

Guider, I think his name was like. You fought back then too? I've been fighting since I was 12 Oh Was it because you're poor And you had to fight on the streets I'm in a box And this is going to be my chance

To get above poverty I'll fight for my life That should be a movie Wait There's probably a bunch of those So they send like little Guider They're like go And like Guider's like

And he like runs at me I sidestep him I'm like wham he's like and then i just wind up and fucking like uppercut him he's like like starfish flies there and lands on his back wind knocked out of him and i'm like go to hit him again joseph's like stop like what the fuck quavis i was like what and they're like who pissed in your cheerios today i I was like you said fight him Just like combative school like combative school they were like, okay we had a Rollin and shrimp And they're like, okay, we guys are going to wrestle the instructors. I tapped out all the instructors.

I was like, okay. What's next? They're like, huh. They didn't, like, fuck with you after that? No. Oh, man. I got fucked with in combatives real bad. Really?

Real bad. Because I'm a bigger guy. I was a small guy that would tap the instructors out so they're like the issue is uh we were doing all the blood show or the blood chokes whatever the fuck it is where they cut off the blood pressure it just wouldn't well they couldn't nobody so they used me as the example for all the instructors and i just got i got knocked out like seven fucking times in a row by each instructor no this is how you do it no okay next instructor no i'm No, this is how you do it. No, okay, next instructor.

No, I'm like, but this is how you do it. And it just went down the line because we went through like five partners. You know how they just roll you with different people in your class and not one person could tap me out with that shit. I was just like laughing at being an asshole. I was like, hey, I'm going, you can't get me.

Well, the big guys got me after real good. They just started air choking me, not even doing neck shit. Just like, well, that's weird. He's not moving anymore. Not laughing anymore, are you? Yeah, for the test for like level one, you have to like, they box you and you can't hit them and you have to get behind them. Yeah, you have to. Tangle them up real quick.

Super easy. But one of the dudes, I forget his name. It was one of the dudes that not many people liked, and he showed up late to class, and then the instructors did not like him. They beat the fuck out of him. The kids slide behind you and wrap you up. They hit you a couple times, and you do it. The dude was like, I remember it started, and the dude was like it's like boom boom boom and like his face is starting to swell the dude like does

a superman punch to his face i was like oh they're just beating the shit out of him right now oh fuck what's going on that was it was like that in the grenade range the only hands-on shit they could really do and boy they were like buddy Cam, he got a medal for saving. He went to drill. He was a drill instructor, and they got a medal for saving kids. A female went to throw a grenade. Fell in the hole with him. He's like, yeets them out of the hole, and then he jumps out of it.

Yeah. Jesus. It's like that one video. Have you seen the one where the the drill the drill starting like trips the dude pushes him on the ground and breaks his arm he's like because they're they're they're a grenade right they're practicing throwing and he's like trying to instruct him how to do it and he fucks up and so the instructor just sweeps his legs and throws him on the ground i've seen a lot where we're fucking people go to throw the grenades and then they'll just stare

there and try to watch it. And they're like, what are you—they just fucking leg behind the—foot behind the—just slap them down. People don't realize how heavy. I remember it's like, you have to throw this like 20 yards and be like— It's not a baseball. You got to like shot put the motherfucker. Yeah, it's like 20 yards. How hard is that?

And you're like, that's like five. It's like—you're like, oh, this is really difficult to throw. Oh, that's real heavy. Yeah, this is really difficult to throw. Oh, that's real heavy. This is meaty. And those are the little metal pieces that Kentucky Ballistics show. Yeah, real quick. Not good. Okay, now to Blizzard.

Yeah, after we talk about grenades blowing up. Yeah. So I didn't know much of this story. You're the one that's more insightful on. Apparently over at Activision Blizzard. I don't know if it's more Blizzard or Activision. I feel like it's more Blizzard. But I might be wrong. Apparently they're just out there raping.

Pillaging? Raping and pillaging. I'm getting a glare. I'm getting a look. We know that's not acceptable anymore, okay? We'll call it graping from now on then. So they were graping. Just real quick, like, just don't rape people. Yeah.

Like, maybe. Maybe. There's your sharps training. Don't rape your buddies. Yeah. Here's your PowerPoint. Your coworkers. Your PowerPoint for the weekend.

Don't rape. Sharps. Yeah, exactly. This is just sharps. This is your safety brief. Here's your safety brief. don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

don't don't don't don't don't don't don't learning now he knows this is definitely something that would happen like the nerd community that have power to like that's what it do but plug to make the girls wear them but black rifle would never have this problem we're like what the fuck is wrong with you like what the fuck why would

you do any of this the alley behind the dumpster and get beat. What were you thinking, Brad? But yeah, man, apparently there were a bunch of employees and management positions were just like passing around chicks and nudes and shit that worked there or going to their cubicles and shit and harassing them when they're on trips and stuff. It's a lot of really bad things. And then the big thing that I think was just today that they released was like a year back, another employee was caught setting up cameras to look in women's bathrooms to look in chicks as they're pissing and shitting because we all love that. Hell yeah.

Dude, watching those fucking turd cutters go to work. I don't know what it is about the phrase turd cutter. I just fucking hate it so goddamn much. Man, girl, what's that turd cutter do? What's that butt do? Can you just say butt hole, man? Fuck. You must hold a lot of poop in that butt.

That ass is huge. There must be a lot of poop in it. Yeah, you could fill up a whole toilet, girl. Did you guys talk with Caleb about that? Yeah, that was in the group chat, remember? It was just talking about Caleb. The worst ways to talk. The worst pickup lines. Yeah, the was in the group chat, remember? It was just talking about the worst ways to talk. The worst pickup lines.

Yeah, the worst pickup lines. You want to go to the chicken bar? Damn, that donk is huge. Yeah, you must poop a lot. So now we know why Warzone has so many cheaters. They're busy doing other stuff other than fixing the fucking game. Holy shit. stuff on there fixing the fucking game holy shit which uh they did announce the hacking's like getting this new level of problems people already have uh was it the crypt cry cry engine is what

battlefield the new battlefield runs the new cry engine they already have hacks released for the new battlefield that's not out. The Tornado Battlefield? Yeah, Tornado Battlefield. Can you make the tornado your weapon? What if you could spawn your pet tornado? I am the tornado! Float in the middle of it like Storm from X-Men. Quadrakill. Man, PC games.

See, this is... I'm going to get yelled at for this i loved console gaming you know you didn't really deal with on console that much cheating was there occasionally you know you're that one kid with a modded xbox whatever but fuck me running but xbox like banned your ass for doing it oh yeah oh absolutely that's what was my favorite part was like they get banned they're like okay we're good would they ban your xbox too yeah hardware yeah yeah like a hardware ban it's like ip hardware like everything you're just fucked yeah right now they're just like delete the account and it's like it's the game's free we can just start it back up and then all

the issues start yet again but like with pcs what's the solution other than dumping tons of money into anti-cheat pro like people trying to track down heat cheats because this i was actually just looking in a thread on tarkov because tarkov is going on sale so everyone's freaking out again because whenever there's a sale for tarkov cheat a huge rampant cheat wave follows because they're making money off it it's easy for them to buy a bunch of accounts at that point so like what do you do though like what other than these these uh ip these companies dumping money into anti-cheat is there like a is that just pc gaming at this point we kill them that's what you said an example yeah you set an example

oh god that was I believed you we kill the cheaters it's simple we kill the cheater it's like Joker for Batman we kill the cheater we kill like 10 of them publicly not us

well no I'm talking about like they're in Russia their government kills the cheaters and then we're good no one's gonna cheat cause you'll die cause you'll die or we ban IPs I mean we got two options oh wait

sounds a little better let's just step back on the murder two options here so far Sounds a little better. Let's just step back on the murder. Two options here so far. See what kind of president you would be. Blow them up. We're at war, guys. Tyrant.

We have tyrant operator here today. Tyrant operator. Never mind. I'm not going to go there. We're just going to pull that joke back. Sorry, Derek. You can't play D&D with us anymore. I don't know what's going to go there. I'm just going to pull that joke. Sorry, you can't play D&D with us anymore. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm a little concerned.

I will kill my friends. So you're in a tavern. You're all sitting around the bar. What do you do? Oh, I pull up my sword and stab Eli. Okay, this campaign is supposed to go for six months. You roll a 20. Okay, Eli, you're dead.

You're level one. He stabbed you in the throat. Your jugular is just on the floor. Can anyone heal me? Donuts next turn, roll. Kill another. Campaign's over. Donuts happy.

Yeah. It's weird, Batty went to dnd it's weird baddie why won't you run a game on and subscribe because my friends are terrible people i can't control the new bmo vi porter mastercard is your ticket to more more perks more points more flights To more. More perks. More points. More flights. More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card. And then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO VI Porter MasterCard. And get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months. Terms and conditions apply.

Visit bmo.com slash viporter to learn more. Oh, them at all. All you got to be able to do is manipulate them, but not these two. No, they're psychopaths. Did you just? I almost swallowed that. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good.

What the fuck? I just watched your video. Yeah, I always break them up and put them in. Why? Wait, you intentionally do that? Yeah. So if everyone doesn't know, Eli intentionally broke the tab off break them off and put them in. Why? Wait, you intentionally do that? Yeah. So if anyone doesn't know, Eli intentionally broke the tab off his White Claw Clan, put it in the drink, and then almost choked on it as he drank it. That's the first time that's happened, though.

That's a rare occasion. I'm fine. But why do that? What is the benefit? Neat. Have you met me? You know, good point. Never mind.

You're questioning what I do? I retract my accusation, sir. Roger. Why would you do something weird like that? You have a scimitar on your fucking... You have an Uruk-hai blade. It's Lord of the Rings. I wanted to hang something else on the wall.

It's a nerd room in your book. Why is there a nerd guy on the table? Yeah, you got a lot of Lord of the Rings stuff over here. Okay, listen here, donut. What's that? Wait, that's the one? It looks like Narsil. It's not.

Okay, I was going to say. It's a typical store. It's got a similar hilt design. It's just smaller. Yeah. That's like a small version. It's not like a full two-handed. It's like a hand hilt design it's just smaller yeah yeah that's like a small it's not it's not like a full two-handed it's like a hand and a half technically depending on who you are

yeah you've got tiny little bitch hands me like a toddler or me oh man the toddler you guys want a larp later i got an axe up there i got this one you got those like we can you guys want to larp side note i wear a 10 in females because the females had the best shoe selection color i wanted so i was like i'm buying these running shoes and females what i know i was out of shoe shopping yesterday you were running shopping for running shoes yeah and the females have really good color choices. They were like Eli's colors. It was that light blue or yellow, light blue and purple. Yeah.

Yeah. I was like, that's my fuck. Did you get both? So you can mix match the shoes, run purple, one blue. No,

they only had that one, but it was on sale too. It was a clearance. I was like, so what size in women's do you wear? 10, 10. So you wear like a sevens and male nine.

Nine. So you were like a sevens in mail nine To get a tickle we're talking about swords yeah i wear women's shoes man i was gonna go a completely different okay we gotta record direction with that one okay there all right so the night fights where the dudes put on armor and they hit each other with swords, right? Oh, yeah. What if we did that with toddlers? Whoa. I'm liking where this is going.

Good start. Good start. Weird finish. They will never hurt each other. They don't have enough force. Okay. Toddler fighting. Have you seen the little kids where they do the jujitsu and shit?

Dude, have you seen the Muay Thai kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I couldn't remember which country or wherever the fuck Dude, that Thailand

when those kids are beating the shit out of them. They were like four and their blood like if you haven't seen this video Yeah, I read the book

Fighter's Heart by Sam Sheridan. It talks about like you were trying to come out of poverty by fighting. Those kids literally feed their families

by beating the shit out of each other. They're five years old and they're straight breaking wrists that video i know what video you're talking just came out and dude these toddlers are like one's bloody and he's like okay and they're like like the other toddlers are like okay let's take a break drink some water okay get back in there and you're like it was toddler fight club yeah and then the toddler is like high-fiving afterwards. I was like, bro, my son's a broken arm. They're all like, next time. Like, what the fuck?

I was like, my son's a pussy. That's all I thought. I got mad when somebody tore one of my Yu-Gi-Oh cards when I was a kid. These kids out here breaking each other, like literally breaking. I know how I'm'm gonna raise my next one take him to thailand and throw him in a ring we're starting over you played too many video games boy you bought too many robux we're resetting you bro yeah those kids are fucking yeah so like you're not far off with the armor and stuff,

but, like, have you seen the actual sport? I don't remember. It's like, I don't remember what the fuck it's called, but. Yeah, where they fight each other. For real, though. They fuck each other up. They got axes and swords and shit. They're just not.

They're dulled, so they're not cutting, but they're full force. Full force. I think it's I-dubs. Never go full force. These guys are just beating the living hell out of each other with swords, and they're wearing knight's armor and shit. They're winded quickly, too.

I mean, that stuff looks heavy. That's when I think like that, but then there's like a 2,000 versus 2,000, and you're just like. Yeah, just. A slow-mo stab. It's all muddy and raining and you're just flipping on shit and you're like standing back up. You're like, God damn it.

You like swing back. You stab your buddy in the eye. You're like, I'm sorry, Brad. Fuck. Running forward. You're like, miss. You slip. Eat shit and slide.

Stay on the ground. I would just play dead. Somebody stab me. and you're like, miss, you slip. Eat shit and slide. There's no... Stay on the ground. I would just play dead. Somebody stab me. I would just play dead. I'd throw like two other bodies on top of me and be like, okay, we're good. Those guys didn't do cardio either,

so they're just like... End of the fight, just... I'd hope it was like next to a tree line so I could walk off and hide for like 30 minutes and then come back to the battle. I'm like wine skinned. I like put dirt on my armor. It's perfectly clean.

I've been fighting this whole time. Oh, man. Guys, that was hard. Take my helmet off. There's no sweat. It was just questioning. It's like, were you even here? Yeah, you stabbed that.

Like this guy. You stab a guy. It's your buddy. That's your team. How am I supposed to know they all look like that? They're wearing armor. I can't see their faces. How the fuck are you supposed to tell in the middle of like a medieval battle?

They weren't wearing team red banners. how the fuck are you supposed to tell in the middle of like a medieval battle i not they weren't wearing team red banners like oh there was a lot of there was a lot a lot of team killing friendly fire yeah lots of fratricide when you're there's the line of archers your squads running in they just fire there's like we fired a little short just raining down on your own bros like yeah yeah i'd be like stab back go for it i am killing a lot of my buddies get home you're like baddie like lori baddie died gallantly in the field of battle totally didn't stab him in the face at all. Was not me.

He was so brave. Yeah. He was so, so dead. So dead. Imagine your sword fight. You got your mask down. You swing in your clash and steal it.

I was like, Eli, is that you? You left your little baddie. I was like, Oh, sorry, bro. I thought you were a bad guy. Oh yeah. This mud in my eyes. Okay. Eli's that you you left your little baddie like oh sorry bro I thought you were a bad guy

bro yeah there's mud in my eyes I can't see shit right now I'm like friend behind Donut's like oh shit Eli

I'm like Donut no man that's Eli might be might be oh no we'll throw some leeches on you to bleed that out

that'll be fine we'll be fine I thought there's ghosts'll throw some leeches on you to bleed that out. That'll be fine. We'll be fine. Oh, there's ghosts in your blood? Let's give you some heroin. The witches will cure that, bro. Yeah, stab my fingers. Let me bleed out real quick. Oh, I feel way better.

Here's some heroin. Oh, you got shot in the gut. You're dead. Literally, that was always a thing. It's like, ah, you're dead. You got anything in the stomach region. Your insides are just leaking around in there. It's not your intestines. You're pooing into your own belly right now. It's not, ah, you're dead. You got anything in the stomach region. Your insides are just leaking around in there. It's not your intestines.

You're pooing into your own belly right now. It's not good, bud. Yeah. God, those were the days, right? Why can't we do battle like that anymore? Just give me a lead ball and a field surgeon. Let's do this. Like, what the fuck?

I mean, you have dark cells. You can push in it. I'm fine. God, I don't know. I don't know have Dark Souls, you do potion and I'm fine. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. What were we talking about? Blizzard? We went Blizzard to fucking We were talking about grapes. My hands are small. Oh, graping.

Don't grape your friends. Yeah, that was the moral of that story. War is hell. War is hell. War never changes yeah war never changes behind you

why are we here yeah why remember back in the old school colleges I mean even maybe in the new ones every loading screen

had like the different quote from fucking like Teddy Roosevelt or some shit going to war I don't know what weapons world war 3

will be fought with but World War Four we thought was sticks and stones. Exactly. It's like that's deep. Jesus.

14 of me was like oh my god I'm right down on my binder when I get to school. With an S. Yeah.

Is that a saying? Yeah with an S. No fear. Yeah no fear. I'm gonna make a pentagram. Oh god erase that. That's actually really bad. Oh I'm gonna make a pentagram

oh god erase that that's actually really bad oh I can't make a pentagram I did too many lines hey donut your lips still tingly it's starting to go away mine are still super tingly

really yeah mine's like almost gone now what was the next topic topic morning oh there we go

the next topic you like you yeah that we're gonna talk about we didn't write stuff guys welcome to unsubscribe not only this is just us hanging out this is audio issues this podcast started out with like video games we're nerds and it just turned into hey guys you want to hang out on friday for a couple hours and drink. What are you doing around 2? We said 1 today. We pushed that to 2 because we were hungry. It's 5 p.m.

Just so everyone's clear. Is it 5? No. That's an hour off. It's 4. 4. That's great because I have to go to Montekima after this. I have to go. And I have to go pick up the uwu.

The uwu? Oh, wait. What's at Montekima? I don't know. I don't want to say on the podcast. People don't know. We'll bleep it. the ooh oh wait what's that montekima i don't know i don't want to say on the podcast people don't next time fuck you can just you can leave it it's the scorpion cc scorpion leave it uh it's the yeah

the scorpion evo 3 s1 or s2 i't remember. It's the pistol variant shorty boy. Okay. What? How far is Paladin from here? 30 minutes without traffic. With traffic, 45. Perfect. Okay.

Then we're good. That UU gun's done. So I'm like, did you see it? Yeah. You should. Okay. Okay. So you need to go with Eli.

Okay. And you need to get a gun UU'd. Okay. Well, it closes at 530 today. I got you. So that Dota, you need to go with Eli. Okay. And you need to get a gun at Ubud. Okay. Well, it closes at 530 today. I got you. So, that's why I was like, but I will be going to drop my guns off whenever you're next. Today, grab your Nemo. And just drop it off.

And just drop it off. Yeah. I'll be good. Well, I have to go back there Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever day you're back. Okay. Because I know you're going out of town. I'm going to be gone for another week. Another week? God dang.

So you hate us? No. I love you guys. I'm going to be hanging out with Grantham and Brandon Herrera and Kentucky Ballistics and Chuck Liddell and we're going to the Sand Dunes of Northern Michigan. We didn't get that invite. Do you want that invite? Okay, you looked at Eli.

Can you look at me and say that? Do you want that invite? Don't look at him. Hey, what's up, Donovan? Hey, buddy. Where's that invite at? I've been doing nothing but watching Grantham videos for the last four days straight.

I know. You've been on that kick. Well, because I'm getting ready to start my YouTube things. Oh, yeah. So I've been just... Also, I just want to have sex with mike so dude he is an attractive man oh my god what he he's also immortal but have you seen have you seen those

yes absolutely have you seen those yes oh yeah he's in like the civil war world war one world war two there's like always him you know why exactly jawline his jawline. That jawline. Hey, you guys. Make sure you hit subscribe. Today we're talking about the comment section is out of control. Dude, that's what it is. Because I did, when he first got to Japan, I like FaceTime and on stream talked to him there. And then he's been with my other buddy that's a JTAC. And he like FaceTime me out of the blue.

And I was like, what the fuck? Fuck, Mike won. And I like answered it. And then he's like me out of the blue and I was like, what the fuck does Mike want? And I answered it and then he's like, you know this person? I was like, oh my god. Fucking Holtz, what's up buddy? Just like waving at him. I was like, oh. I forgot they're like buddies and they work together. He's one of the few guys in the industry I haven't had a chance to meet. It's probably good because I

you know. The back of the throat. We had to make the sounds of people that are just listening instead of watching it on YouTube but like I just I don't know yeah no he's a really good dude like him oh yeah you're doing your YouTube yeah I'm gonna start a gun channel

it's gonna be like a whole separate thing I'm not gonna say the name because I don's going to be like a whole separate thing. I'm not going to say the name because I don't need to deal with people stealing that shit beforehand. Batty Guns. It's called Batty Guns. Batty Guns. It's not called Batty Guns.

A bunch of girls with bikinis and Batty's going to be like, okay, today I'm wearing a bikini. I'm also going to be wearing a bikini though. Remember Borat? Mm-hmm. Yeah, me. Ginger everywhere.

You need to start doing content again. I need to start content, period. It's been a minute, hasn't it? When was the last time you put out a video? 29 days. It's going to be wild when Unsubscribed comes out before the next Donut video. I know. In a month.

I need to do that. That's my job. I was like Sunday. I was like, oh'm gonna film sunday oh no what do you leave uh the first monday monday second second yeah second's monday first is because i i leave tomorrow come back sunday i think i'll leave the second okay i don't know i'm gonna borrow all your guys's plates before then. I got another set at home. You're sweet.

You're sweet. Collecting all the plates for this video. I won't say what the video is about because there's no one. Eli's going to wear a bunch of armor and we're going to shoot him. Okay, yeah. I'm fine with that. Demolition Ranch is going to shoot him. So stay tuned. That's the video that's released.

Okay. Here we go. Yeah. Just lining up Eli's. Which visual effects wise because you can get the actual proper. Okay. So maybe. This could be a video.

I don't know if YouTube's ever going to monetize that. Because I just do 3D replications. But don't worry because youtube's ever gonna monetize that because i just do 3d replicas but don't worry because raid shadow legends will wait did we get sponsors oh shit we didn't do a sponsored thing eli you broke this is fine we're gonna take a quick moment to talk about our sponsor today. Liquid Death Water. It's just fucking water in a can.

It's water. I think, what was Camelback's fucking logo? It was like hydrate or die, right? Was it really? And then Liquid Death is murder your thirst. was camelbacks fucking logo it was like hydrate or die right was it really and then liquid death is and liquid death is murder your thirst so i figured like hydrating leads to come though you know you just you ever just have a couple hour session and you're dehydrated a couple hours an hour hours 20 minutes plural hours is a lot of fucking.

Chat, in the comments today. Chat, I called everybody chat. Chat, if you like to fuck for hours. I just want to know, okay, on average, how long do you fuck? Just put a number. You know, don't say I fuck for this long. Don't fucking lie. Don't lie either.

Thank you. Don't fucking lie. How long do you fuck? I fuck for three hours straight. My bitch loves it. No, you don't. I want. Your. Thank you. I don't fucking lie. How long do you fuck? I've been here three hours straight. My bitch loves it. No, you don't. I want... Your hand hates you. Oh, my God.

What'd you say about righty-read? Yeah. Your righty-read... Pamela Henderson. Yeah. How many hours... What's a good... What's a good ratio of fuck to time?

Like, how long are you winded after? A good fuck to minute ratio. I'm more of a 30 minute fuck to come ratio. What about you, Doug? It feels weird hearing you guys say hours and minutes. 30 seconds. They don't call me Eli. Don't laugh at that, Lori.

Don't laugh at that. Lori. Don't laugh at that. What are you doing? Eli double tap. I'm not happy. Really unhappy, but at least she's disappointed. Well, yeah. At least one person comes in that relationship yeah always me

we have the episode where we mentioned come more than more times than any other any video game yeah that we started this episode off with come oh yeah yeah it's a whole circle yeah it's okay that's honestly that's what people are... People can't listen to this at work. I say that every... And then they still listen to it. I put it in our little description. I'm like, maybe don't listen to this one with mom.

Mom, listen to this one. We talk about come to minute ratio. What's that mean? What's a come? Yeah, what's a cum, mom? I need somebody to do the math on this.

Donuts over here are spitting hours. Yeah. Fucking hours? I'm fat. Mom, what's a Peter North tin roper? Ropes.

Peter North. I've heard that name in years. That's true. What does that mean, that Pepperidge Farm? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Peter Norton. Oh, no.

Grandma, why are you laughing? God, this episode is terrible. Every episode is terrible. That's kind of what we do. Let's talk about grape, and then let's talk about fuck ratio come sticking you're the come come fuck ratio the less you come right hydration comes in just shoot so many times

now okay here's the... Cough and dust. Curveball, when you're drinking, how does that affect your come-to-fuck ratio? Or your fuck-to-time ratio? Fuck-to-time. My... Fuck-to-time ratio goes up after drinking.

Oh, I mean, yeah, but your come-to-fuck ratio goes way down. Mine is dead. We're going to have to chart this out. This song is on a whiteboard. Come to fuck ratio. Fuck to cum ratio. Why do people listen to this?

Drunk Eli just gets bored or tired I'm like I'm not coming goodbye I need a bedtimes just drinking like no literally I'm like it's not gonna happen did you go okay no me neither high five go to bed

we'll go to bed disappointed together. And that's fuck to cum ratio, everyone. We'll talk about video games one day. Next episode on Unsubscribed, expect video games. Steam made a console. Oh, yeah. We got to talk about that real quick. Speaking of fucking and cum, Steam made a console called the star team check

steam deck the same deck no wait yo yeah because it came out the same day stream deck to release so elgato released the stream deck to the steam switch no the steam nintendo steam what is it called steam made a collapsible controller. Well, apparently it runs 600 bucks. It can run any game. I don't believe that. They say they can run any game on Steam right now. That's weird.

Yeah, it's like 600 bucks for the best one. That's weird. But like at what quality? They didn't say that. Yeah. Remember Nintendo 64 games? It's going to look like fucking Mario 64. You're just going to have some fucking pointy tits.

Technically, on a small screen, if you do 720p and you just max out those settings, it will look good because it's a fucking small screen. You'll be like, okay, okay, okay. But the Witcher sex scenes aren't going to look as good. I'm just saying. They say you can put it on your TV, though, so it would have to have better resolution. Oh, like you can cast it on your TV, though, so it would have to have better resolution.

Oh, like you can cast it? Like a switch where you can just plug it in? It's going to be like a switch where you can just put it on your TV. Is that your phone ringing? Eli! Oh. It's Brandon from Muscle Rod Shop. Oh, hi, Brandon from Muscle Rod Shop.

Hi, Brandon from Muscle Rod Shop. He just came to do this. I can't answer because we're on a podcast. That's rude. But yeah, I'm actually excited. Now I know you can pre-order for $5. That's kind of neat. You don't need to – you can lay away that bitch.

You can have it for Christmas next year. Thanks, Mom. Until Christmas, yeah. And $600 for the best one. That ain't a bad – it's worth – Oh, is there different tiers for it too? Yeah. Oh.

And $600 gets you like the top tier. Okay, so I got to know because i only saw the fucking gif of the fucking thing collapse in the opening does it have like a cp is there like a how is it like straight up like a fucking switch yeah like you can like it's got or does it have like a dock and you just plug the controller into or is it full-on like mobile like you can yeah it's mobile no shit yeah you can take it with you and then you can i think you can dock it they said you can hook it up to a tv i don't know about the docking station i can't wait to dock with the bros i can't wait to dock with you guys we can dock we're gonna dock with our steams yeah if

you know what docking is just google that dad google docking on urban dictionary. How do you anywhere just google it? You'll figure it out My mind immediately went to unfortunately all of us on that note guys we're gonna end this podcast go look up the steam console for yourself because i don't want to talk anymore eli double tap fatty streams the donut hello hi everyone don't on here. We love you. No, we don't. Hi, I'm Tara Schmidt, a registered dietitian and host of On Nutrition, a podcast for Mayo Clinic where we dig into the latest nutrition trends and research to help you understand

what's health and what's hype. There's a lot of wild stuff out there, so we'll be keeping it science-based, research-informed, and practical. Mayo Clinic's On Nutrition. New episodes every other week, wherever you get your podcasts.