Unsubscribe Podcast - 60 - Mat Best Tells All

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

Unsubscribe Ep60 - Mat Best Tells All DONUT IS ON VACATION SO WE DID THE ONLY THING WE COULD. WE GOT BRAN- I MEAN MATTY B!!!!!!!!!! MR. BEST IN THE HOUSE AND OF COURSE BADDIE BROKE THE AUDIO!!! GOD SPEEEEEEEEEEEED! GO CHECK OUT MAT BEST @MBest11x https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCre2GibO9Vdb3C59VzDsFxQ https://www.instagram.com/mat_best_official/ OUR MERCH: https://www.bunkerbranding.com/pages/unsubscribe-podcast WE HAVE A SUBREDDIT??? https://www.reddit.com/r/UNSUBSCRIBEpodcast/ CHECK OUT https://outofregz.com/ CODE: UNSUB http://gfuel.com/discount/baddie CODE: BADDIE ------------------------------ WHERE TO LISTEN Spotify https://spoti.fi/2Ye8YOU Apple Podcasts https://apple.co/3cbqY4k Amazon https://amzn.to/2YbzQia Google Play https://bit.ly/2YcWmaD Stitcher https://bit.ly/3cbnY8o ------------------------------ Follow the Cast of Unsubscribe -Baddie- @Baddie Streams https://www.twitch.tv/baddie https://twitter.com/BaddieStreams https://www.instagram.com/baddiestreams/ https://www.youtube.com/baddiestreams -DonutOperator- @Donut Operator @Operation Donut https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwkm_Wcyh0pc7UUmZZfL-6w https://www.instagram.com/donutoperator/ https://www.twitch.tv/DonutOperator https://twitter.com/DonutOperator -Eli_Doubletap- @Eli Doubletap https://www.instagram.com/eli_doubletap/ https://www.twitch.tv/Eli_Doubletap https://twitter.com/Eli_Doubletap https://www.youtube.com/c/EliDoubletap ------------------------------ Edited by Fluck https://www.twitch.tv/fluck Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You gotta wait, man! Why are you drinking? Hey, let's pour a shot for Eli before we take one. Wait, are we on the show right now? We just... What? No, we're not recording yet. Yeah, he's recording. When you- when that's red, is when you have to- It's been red. Say hi to Eli

His racially ambiguous body That guy's fucking ridiculous hey guys thanks for watching this podcast um make sure wherever you're listening or watching whether it's on youtube uh castro spotify apple google amazon pod bean stitcher or that's all of them please leave a comment uh like it thumbs up it give it a rating of five stars whatever you do it helps the podcast out immensely and donut and eli will be very happy if you do that and we want to make donna eli happy today. Yeah. Five stars on everything. And a comment if there is possible. Because we need to be at the top. Donut, say something motivating. And that's where the...

That is... Come subscribe. Cheers. Okay, welcome to Unsubscribe. We have a very, very special announcement to make today. Wait, you got a cop? I am replacing Donut Operator as a host on Unsubscribed. I think you've already said more words than Donut in the last two podcasts.

I just figured it's a good way to have free booze and sit here. I'm not replacing him. Don't get scared, guys. It's a joke. Donut, we love you. Yes, I love Donut. All the comments are going to be like, replace Dave. Yeah, I mean, if I replace Dave, if I put on like 15, 60 pounds, I could probably do it.

You know, a couple nose piercings. You can go rest in your garage again sometime. Any time. You can tear my hands right now. I'm holding on to that. That was two years ago. That's all I got. I can get punched really well.

We both already cracked me like you're behind. Welcome to the Instagram podcast. Today, of course, we have Eli, Double Tap, myself, Batty Dreams, and our very special guest. Very special. Very, very. By non-popular demand. No one asked me to come back, but I fucking here fucking here hey guys if you're gonna talk about matt could you just learn how to spell his fucking name it's one t it's just one t thank you i just constantly i was like been on the internet for

like 11 years you think people would just drop the t matt frazier has one t i have one t i just like fans of you they're like man. I've been watching that for two decades huge fan Matt I'm like Define you man. Are you are you are you for you? Are you with me? Are you doing it? Are you real fat cuz you can't batty. Can you rotate just a smidge this? Yes, I can already tell there's a whole there's headspace Perfect. Look how much space I know this is good headspace, but all this arm space Yeah, there you fucking short right now. I mean he's not the tallest human. I'm not I'm the average Bro week is sure is five one. Maybe that's when he walked in, I was like... You look like an idiot. That's the first time Eli's ever looked down at a grown man.

He's like, oh, shit. I felt like you guys for three seconds. He's a cool dude, man. He's hilarious. He's a weird fucking guy, but I love every aspect of him, man. I am the baddest of them all. I forgot he was on Tosh.0. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, that's where I had found him originally, and. Oh, oh, that's right. That's yeah Yeah, that's where I had found him originally and I was just like The fuck is this dude? What is? Cuz they made a music video with Tasha, and he was just like that's right I'm gonna rocket launch the RPG under soldiers like staring into space later. What is fucking? Cringy shit I've ever seen in my life and But you can't. It's like a car crash. You can't look away. No, it's wonderful.

I'm just waiting to see the fuck. Yeah. R.I.P. Paul Walker, by the way. What do we. Kobe. That's there's never a Kobe anymore. Why?

R.I.P. Kobe. R.I.P. Harambe. Harambe. That one's that one. Oh, wait. Speaking. I don't know why Harambe made me the what yeah, her daddy the gorilla they got killed in the zoo They got executed. Yeah, okay, but they made me think of how to

What like that was like? 2015 16 17 yeah 18 no 60 that's like 16 7 when was that Siri when did Harambe the gorilla die? Harambe died May 28th 2016 at age 17 Come at me bro. Bam. Oh wait, what are we talking about? Oh, I don't know we're gonna first off I'm gonna ask Betty a question Betty Ready? Go. This is also for everyone. I want you to pause the video now after you hear the word to spell in order to do this.

But you got to spell it. You hit. Okay, Betty, are you ready? Spell the word. I'm going to use it in a sentence. In a sentence. It's not going in the direction. It's not that.

It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not going in the direction. It's not that It's not that It's not that You're in a spelling bee and he's gonna answer the question. Here we go a King's Dominion spell Dominion Do you am I That is incorrect A king's dominion. Spell dominion. D-O-M-I-N-I-O-N?

That is incorrect. That's how you spell dominion if you're not a fucking crazy person. Dude, I did not know this. Dominion. D-E-M-E-S-N-E. Dominion. You told me this today. I'm not sure how valid it is.

Fucking watch this shit. Because you did the proper spelling of Dominion. Yeah, okay. I felt like an idiot for like 0.3 seconds. I was like, aw. Yeah, but the English language is just fucked in general. I mean, we put K's and we don't say them. This is old English. This is some fucking bullshit.

No, when was it last used no you're making shit up that was the last time that was used was the 1600s fuck off i feel like that would be like a stripper name and you read it what's your name demesne and she's like it's dominion i'm not saying you're right or i'm not saying you're wrong i'm just saying it's not used anymore. I trust me. I know when I read. Why would you ask me that?

Because it's still a dictionary. I graduated high school. You're like, hey, at least some old English shit. You graduated. I was so confused at this one. Yeah. You're going to float away like donut. Racist piece of shit.

Is that like donut's not on here and he called you Asian or something? No. He's right now flying away. That's the one I don't know. I don't know. I'm as wise as a fucking comb. I'm like, I'm almost a ginger. Oh, we're going. Oh, Jesus. Golly.

Oh, we gotta do Matt's superpower. First and foremost. We've never done a Matty B's superpower. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No. Side note. Fucking Froggy Fresh had the worst superpower.

What was his superpower? He was like, I'm hot. And we're like, like, fire? And he's like, yeah. But, like, I can't talk to you. I was like, what do you just... That's just real life, bro. Like you get sweaty, you can't talk to women.

That's just normal. That's just normal shit, dude. That's our audience. Yeah. I still get nervous talking to women. I just fake it till I make it, you know. But that's because you're married. Yeah.

That's the problem. You like what you do. No, no. It's because my wife gets real mad when I talk to other girls naked in bed. that's the problem no no it's cause my wife gets real mad when I talk to other girls naked in bed and I keep saying

sweetheart that's not a real thing I'm sure one of you motherfuckers is gonna DM my wife and be like I'm not talking shit just clips that

perfect segment it's like here we go shit Noel's my homie we good I'll talk all the shit I want

superpowers what's a superpower? What do I do? I get a superpower? Well, you get to pick a superpower on your own. We'll do this first. Because you're just fucking. I'll duplicate your memory.

That's how that works. By the way, I want to preface if I'm a little slow today. I'm jumping back on the horse. Because Travis Pastron taught me something. When you're hungover and you just did some guy if you if you Have a little hair of the dog. It actually doesn't make you feel better. You're borrowing. It's not the dog is lapping over there Do pets You hear that too, right? I heard like a dog like breathing over there These you have gremlins in his fucking don't know probably

It's something a dog. I was like, what do I hear animal? I wish there was a fan in this room. Yeah I'm definitely not a fan of this We're gonna make one. So you borrow time from the future. That's what Hair the Dog is. So you never actually end up feeling better. You just borrow it from the future. But I wanted to say that because-

That's true. I am one of the most hungover I've been in a long time today. Zeus, who's a local Mexican music artist, who's a phenomenal, phenomenal guy, and we're doing some stuff together. I've seen much of that recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, his producer came over to our house yesterday. yesterday we wrote music and them boys drink the tequila so i i i put a lot back so excuse my lapse in mental cognitive ability today but i'm here for you baddie he made a

solid gym appearance at baddie time it was like noon yeah when you were going to bed i slept until 8 30 but i definitely didn't get out of bed until like fucking 10 30 today but i was just doing emails in there but i was i was sloppy oh that's the best times to do emails is when you're hungover you're like you know it sounds like a good yeah bed work day i'll do just fucking responding to nine day old emails like sounds great and they're like, the event already happened. Fuck you. I'm just kidding. You just do that motivation text around the group. You're doing great, Brad. Timothy, fucking awesome job.

Susan, do better. Way to crush a team. But of superpower. So we have the offenders. What's the name of our super group? There's like the Justice League, the Avengers. Yeah, the offenders. Yeah, the offenders.

Good thing it's not Predators. So offenders. What are you offending? Just offending people? I don't like that. There's a lot of things down here. I know. We're the predators?

You're a sexual offender. See, you guys did not think this thing through. This is why you need a brand ambassador like me. I mean, if you heard the offenders and they look at batting, they're like, well, what kind of offenders they have donut in order to fly yelling racial slurs. Yeah. I'm sure our names, the last thing we're worried about. Okay. So do I pick my superpower? Yes. And then we get to offset it unless you have an offset. Like me, me. Okay. Wait, wait, no, I know this game. Can I pick my offset? And you can say yes or no.

No. Just try it. Let me say it. And if you don't like it. Let me say it. Okay. Because me, me, Kenya did say, he was like, I want this. And he's like, beat the shit out of his own wife.

I'm like, whoa. Whoa. I digress. Yeah, he's throwing a domestic real quick. You know? Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't abuse internationally.

You're just straight domestically. Got it. Just a good old domestic. And he, that wasn't even part of this. He's just straight domestically. Got it. Just the good old domestic. And that wasn't even part of this. That was just him saying it. I got it. I got it. I want both.

Can I have both, Matty? Domestic abuse? No, no. My superpower. My superpower is anybody I touch, I can make come. Oh, man. But the bad part is anybody I touch comes. Think about coming home to see your family on Thanksgiving, bro. I better be wearing a weird suit, dude.

Matthew's so good to see you. No, Grandma! I haven't felt that way since 1942 when Grandpa came home from the war. There are very few things that you can be certain of in life. But you can always be sure the sun will rise each morning. You can bet your bottom dollar that you'll always need air to breathe and water to drink. And, of course, you can rest assured that with Public Mobile's 5G subscription phone plans, you'll pay the same thing every month. With all of the mysteries that life has to offer, a few certainties can really go a long way. Subscribe today for the peace of mind you've been searching for.

Public Mobile. Different is calling. Superpower. It's a two. It's a two for one. But it's dope because I'm like, what's up, Addy? He goes, oh, right in the show. It's a two for one but then it's dope because i'm like what's up at he goes like oh right in the show it's gonna be one of those days it's gonna be one of those episodes we're coming here we go here we go that's my name in the superpower league defenders it's called the coming

you better chill because the coming's coming. But I can fly. I can run. That's just all right. Okay, maybe not fly. How about float? I just think after I only asked if I want to float. That's all I need. That's all I need.

There's this school bus of elementary school hanging off the bus. Come on, we need your help. Come on, children, take his hand. No, no, no, no. What? No, no, no, no. What? No, no, no. No, no, no.

I'm running right into there, right to the 36 year old bus driver who's super cute. And I make her come and I go, I make him come. And he goes, I haven't felt that way since I used to do log work in Idaho. And I say, hey, no problem, bro. Just get these kids home safe.

And you can feel that again It's handling off the mat this this bus is here. There's the back door is open Reach in and pull those kids call Marvel or DC I or when I act in strength, I come everywhere. He's like, Eli, Batty just saving kids. I'm like, Eli, why you got to go there every time? I just picture this bus. Matt's like, ooh.

No, that's perfect. He looks up in the sky. He's like, where's the fucking bat signal? God damn it. Where's Cody's racist ass? Why isn't he flying? But the perfect way to do that is when Daddy goes to pick up a cheeseburger, I just, I touch him and he comes and you're like,

you needed to use your superpowers to lift that cheeseburger. I'm like getting kind of fat, Daddy. So I made him come and he didn't use his superpowers because that's your negative effect, right? Yeah, there's a, there's a, there's chest to this. There's chest to this. Are you a team? Are you guys going to team up to save kids?

They're like, why is Matt so handsy when he talks? Oh, my God. That's right. You're like, you talk with your hands. They're always like, oh, my God, guys. Really? Now I just picture the bus set up is now. Matt's waiting for Maddie's show.

Maddie's like, I can lift this bus. And Matt's like, I got you. You touch me. He's like, oh! All my street, all my street, all your street's gone so the bus is like, the bus flies off and he goes, man, anybody want a nap and a cigarette? I'm like, oops.

Oops. What's your outfit? We're slowly moving away from like a superhero group and more into like a weird brothel. No, no, no, we're not. A brothel a superhero group and more into like a weird brothel no no no we're not no brothel full of men you're not but you're not thinking about the physiological implications of me making someone come is because if i hold their arms does it continue six minutes you're dehydrated all your fluid's gone you're dead you You're death by come. Think about it. Matt is like.

There's old men that die. He's just staring at them. Yeah. I just did Superman going down to one. He's like. Yeah. His beans come off. He's like cutting the moon in half.

Whoa. Let's talk about that real quick. His pants are getting inflated with liquid. Superman's vinegar strokes. What? Superman's vinegar strokes. How does this motherfucker fuck Lois? Without imploding, first of all, propel this in half.

And then also, it's like, dude. But now we're thinking, I make Superman cum and he cums so hard that he blows up buildings, turning Superman into a villain, but I'm the villain Iraq never had weapons of mass destruction guys. It was it was Superman and me making him come That's what Saddam Hussein was worried about. I was going to go darker. Oh, please. I was.

It's like Superman's. I can't say it. I'm like, nah. Nah, we pulled him back on that one. I pulled him back. I just now picture Matt just being like, Superman's beams are on. He's just turning him into buildings, cutting places up. He's just like. And then I go to float away

and he's like, I just float to three feet and go, and then slowly, slowly levitate forward. My flying is like more floating, but I have to move like a Segway. That's,

that's his speed. I move, it's kind of solid, like mile an hour, like two, but very flamboyantly sitting with like the floating and it's just like,

later bitch. We're like, oh, okay. I thought that's gonna be more dramatic You come again Tony Stark's already dead slowly floats up. I'm here Tony's dead Thanos is gone. Who do I make come now? He just flew away. Sounds like I'm working in a fucking P.F. Chang's dude. We went some directions.

I think we should talk about our savior Lord Jesus Christ for a few moments. Oh we're piercing off our Christies. No. I'm just saying if there's gonna be a second coming of Christ, I wanna be involved. Oh, fuck. You're gonna make this moment where you're actually gonna come and rise three days later. I'm sorry, I'm actually Christian Jesus I didn't say it. It just kind of came out

Shot oh god, okay, that's funny. That's funny. It's comedy. It's funny. It's not a dick. Don't take it so hard, people. Oh God damn it. Oh man. Holy shit. That's how I feel right now is if I touch you with my superpower of how I would feel. Like a little nervous, but relaxed, you know? Dude, think about how bad you control your brother, dude. Just walk up.

Hey, what's up, bro? It's like you touched me. I was so funny. Dude, think about all the military people. They're like, I can't touch you, man. You make it. And I pull out a dope ass challenge coin. I'm like, but you want the challenge coin, don't you?

I can't. Yeah. Do you think, I feel like if you have the superpower, people like try to like cruise over your house and just like get touched. It's like, Hey man, what's up? High five. Matt has a line, just like a long line for this making a wish foundation thing. It's a weird.

Like making a wish foundation thing. It's weird. Why is it always children? Stop it! I mean, they can, like, making a wish is until 18. Children! That's children! You guys make the shitty superpowers. For, like, the comfortability and comedy sense, can we make it make-a-wish adult? Like, everyone's over 18, please?

Yeah, John. Okay, for the sake of life. Yeah, college sorority girls, I know you have cancer, but high five! What the fuck? He'd be a great bartender, or bouncer. Bouncer? You just check everyone's like- I swear I'm gonna pee in his ass! No, you just pout, pat everyone that goes in.

So they wanna leave afterwards. Can't wait to get like, uh, okay, I'm out. They don't even walk in the club. Everyone's got post-op clarity before they go to laid. Okay, I'm out. They don't even walk in the club. Oh, dude. The most dead clubs ever. Dude, yeah, you're the bouncer. That's a good point.

So, like, you have the guy walking out with, like, the questionable girl that's probably going to get pregnant, want him for his money, or, like, give him gonorrhea, percivalitis, or whatever. And you're like, man, you should be thinking a little more straight. And he's like, what do you mean? You just touch him. And then he goes, I'm an Uber home all by myself. You could save lives. Think about this. This is a real superpower.

You could steal the room of the girl. No, he wouldn't. Post-cum clarity, dude. No, that's it. There's a lot. Yeah, after you bust. You give a sidecar in a hotel and you're like, man, I'm clear. I should not have done that.

Holy fucking sidecars. Yeah. I forgot about that. I just like to be vulgar on your podcast. I read him a tweet today about a side cart. It's like, just side cart. I thought it was funny. I did the side cart like three days ago in San Diego. I wait till the last day because I want to clean up the hotel room and I can't do it

anymore because when I do it, I start to giggle and think about you guys And it's not really what I want in my brain after you know Betty now it's a sad lawnmower Started at that point like it's not working anymore was this podcast about video games hey we just did nerd talk for literally 20 minutes i don't know if nerd is the right word for that we degenerate yeah but there was like it's a slight marvel in no nothing you said the word marvel doesn't make superpowers superheroes we're just terrible superheroes baddie can we debut my three new music videos on your on your twitch i feel like we should do that because i don't have

you filmed white club weekend yet uh the 28th we were filming it if I'm not involved I don't care if it's just you pouring white on my face. Yo chat. We just got an out on this Yeah, the 20 white baddie. I'd never have to talk to him ever again Rest in peace Dave Here I should give you the, we're going to do a pool party here. I should give you the heads up. We're going to do a pool party at my house and it's going to be White Claw Week and we're going to shoot it there.

The 28th-ish or so. What's the address? It is 172, I come by touch, zip code. I don't know. I'm not clever right now. Zero, zero, zero, one, eight. I was going 18 or older. But you should definitely come

to the white cloth But you need We had a such an indirect douchebag mo I mean that happens a lot to me but such an indirect douchebag moment. I mean, that happens a lot to me, but a very indirect douchebag moment. Because I was like, yeah, I want some fucking great looking girls. Because it's like White Claw Weekend. And I was like, oh, you got Sav. I got Noel.

Jared has Corey. And I was like, oh, yeah, look at it. We all hot shit. It was just kind of douchey because we just called it out. But I mean, that's a good thing to do. I realized that I'm not that funny. So if I just put my wife in a bikini, it significantly helps the performance

of anything that I do. Thank you, babe. All my thumbnails are now Savannah. Even if she's not in the video, his work's way better. What thumbnails? What videos, Eli? You haven't put anything on YouTube ever.

But Instagram. But. Eli, when are your vlogs coming out? Mine is coming out soon. I know yours are going to come out before Eli's. Because Eli's been filming vlogs since 2019 when I started flying down here before I moved. As a matter of fact, Eli sent me the intro to his first vlog ever in 2020, early 2020, before I moved here. And it was a great intro.

Really, it was funny. I loved it. Yeah, but... It's just like, I'm going to get him out eventually. I love how I edit some of them like, it was funny. I loved it. Yeah, but it's just like, get him out eventually. I love how I edit stuff and I'm like, it's good. Truck Month is on at Chevrolet. Get 0% financing for up to

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Fuck you dude! My phone nails are buddy. Fuck you, dude. My thumbnail's great. Fuck you. You're never going to release them, though. It's an interesting thing, to be honest with you, because I've done a lot of similar stuff, and this is not a joke. It's like you've been so taxed over the years

of providing entertainment that you think that every specific piece of content has to meet a certain objective or standard. It's YouTube because of it. Yeah, It's what I have an issue with. And then certain things that I find very non-compelling based off of the historic things that I've done, meaning like, I've already done that joke, but then I see younger guys do it.

I think there's a sensibility about being in maybe your 20s that adds so much to taking risks on the content side. And I feel like I'm finally in the next, like very recently getting back into that where I'm like, oh yeah, I don't fucking care anymore about, I just want to like do shit that hopefully people like and what I like.

And it's kind of a freeing thing. And I think you'll see like some cool shit hopefully coming out with like Eli and I, like we got this vlog thing that I'm doing where it's like break, like kind of weapon stuff, but just having a blast it's so good it's fun and you got that 20 mic mic we're gonna do that's crazy can I shamelessly promote something yeah do it uh Black Rifle Coffee's relaunching all the historic uh art 15 designs from back in the day when they first started yep I didn't know that's cool shit so yeah that's all I wanted to

plug in more no no it's just kind of cool a lot of people don't know that's cool shit so yeah that's all I wanted to plug it more no no it's just kind of cool a lot of people don't know that the the the backstory of Black Rifle Coffee was Article 15 Clothing which is uh founded by Jared Taylor and me and um Vincent Rocco Vargas was a big part of it back in the day shout out to you Vince hope you're doing crushing in the Mayans love you homie and uh no I they're like making him more of a character from what I've seen so god bless him fuck you Rocco

the only thing I didn't like about Rocco in that show at least the first season I watched I was like give him more I was like he's so like Vince is such a fucking hilariously angry looking motherfucker but he's so hilarious dude he's so fucking funny I'm like give him more lines the strongest jawline you will ever see

the crimson Mexican chin crimson chin what would be his super power his jaw he just eats this is a fucking what that's the best

he just eats everything. He's like a land shark. Remember that show? Which I have to say that. Street sharks. Street sharks. He's a street shark. I have to say that publicly actually a little bit for Vincent.

So I was doing a relaunch at Art 15 Designs. He texted Jared and I. He's like, hey, we should relaunch some of the designs. It'll be bad. And that was before. And give to charity. And it was like already right before I'm about to launch him I was like oh I'm gonna look like such an asshole so I'll donate some money to

charity for sure bro yeah and then literally was the bitch I will be something cool I'm glad Vince still in the charity space I love that shit well we're okay bad he go no Matt here plug it all right plug it oh okay okay so we've plugged our 15 shirts coming out from black rival this next one is called out of regs if you want to be made with the palm aid you want to look fresh you want to look good you want to smell like citrus and be in like the california sun and you want to look good Maybe if you gave this to froggy fresh he would be hot I think so so this is is this your your smooth operator out of regs, and you're getting your own Out of regs thing aren't you or some shit?

Yeah, we're gonna be dropping the batty out of regs sense here very soon Are you guys all owners and shit in that or what? You just like do cool shit? Yeah, we got batty Yeah, okay, nice little so this is like pomade water-based pomade All right, it smells so that's my favorite smell Baddies doing the beard oil and batty wanted a beard oil and he freaked out was like bad You want to do a beard oil and he's like I fucking would love to I was like cool I don't know my designs go There's gonna be of screeching. Like that. That was closer.

There's going to be a batty beard oil coming soon. I believe a pomade too. It's going to be a beard oil, pomade, wax. I think there's a three. You'll see those at AdRigs.com. Use code UNSUB. They're the same 20%. Or come 20. C-U-M-T-O 2-0.

I don't know why I said T-O. I don't know why I said T-O. I do not know why I said T-O. I'm fucking retarded. T-O, 20. Let me help. I'm going to take a nap now. This summer, he is coming. Oh, Batty, and speaking of of beard oil not be the oil part

But you have a fucking Tarkov beard. Yeah, bro. Congrats. So not only Adding much cool new streamer items. They're actually about to wipe So the game is basically resetting. He can how often does it reset like six to eight months every six eight months So it's like it's like I think it was like Diablo or any Season or ladder the game resets everybody goes back to level zero level one whatever and they grind it back out But this wipe they're adding a item for me in the game So I'm already a rogue on the lighthouse map that'll murder you over and over again But now they're adding a red beard i think they're

going with the bad red beard or red bad beard i don't know i don't know what's gonna be called exactly but they're adding a red beard specifically uh for baddie which is fucking cool because i have put eight to ten thousand hours in this fucking game yeah it's been my entire life. It's made my career. Would you call it a career? I call it a career. Yeah, but you smiled. Why did you smile? Because I'm happy for you and I'm happy for my friend buying success and Tarkov's awesome and I'm glad you're part of it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, sir. Sir, that was not the happy, successful smile. I've seen that smile. I've seen Jimbo not smile. Shit, it doesn't work., successful smile. I've seen that smile. I've seen Jimbo not smile. Shit, it doesn't work. No, the coming's not working right now. So when a girl, I ask her, was that good for you?

That's the look you gave Betty. That's cute. Yeah, it's cute. Call me or no. This one, you don't want your callback. You know, you're like, I had fun, but I know you don't. This one you don't want you to call back. You know, you're like, I had fun, but I know you didn't. So we're just going to ghost. Yeah. No high five.

Okay. We're just going to go our separate ways. This is totally poggers. Poggers? Dude. Frog faces. I mean, I told you this at lunch pretty much was I've been in and around Call of Duty spaces for a long time and I

Keep getting shunned from the game. So I'm actually like zero jokes. So fucking proud of you and it's fucking awesome Yes, because that's especially what's like your game too. It's not like Call of Duty did something with you and you're like, whatever It's like or Tarkov did something me. I'm like, whatever. It's you fucking your game like congratulations to you. That's awesome Do you think they'll take you out of the next patch? In a long time I used to be what's called a Sherpa for the game I got like a special name tag I was there to help people and teach people and they gave me that because I used to explain how things worked while I was

Streaming I was very helpful. I went like played Destiny 2 for like a week and a half. Came back and they removed my Sherpa title. Did they really? Yeah. I was like, oh. They didn't message me. They didn't tell me anything. I just came back and I logged on.

Oh, that's weird. After one week? A week and a half. Maybe two weeks, but I think it was a week and a half. Why? Playing a different game. Did they text you, it's not you, it's us? Nothing.

Okay. They texted me. I picture it text. Tower, I know it was fucking you, dude. Fuck you. That's the guy's name. That's the guy that doesn't know. Tower?

Yeah, his name's Tower. Nice. And he's like, Benny's not playing. I want to get a pair of them. Did you get it? Did you get it, Benny? How many daddies? Is that three? Are we doing a shot every time he does a fucking? Did you get it? Did you get it, Patty? How many daddies is that?

Three? Are we doing a shot every time he does a fucking? I'll keep doing that all day. Remember Matt has Oops, I'm Hungover. Oops, I'm hunger. Yeah. Well, how's life been, you fucking crazy fucks? Good?

Life's good for me. The fun part about being a public company is like. The ups ands. Good. Life's good for me. The fun part about being a public company is like, um, the ups and downs. I love it. I love it. No, I was, dude,

I was laughing the other day. I think that was just more honest than anything. Yeah, no, I was just saying it's been funny because like anything that happens, even if someone makes a rumor, it goes like public and everybody like thinks it's happens, even if someone makes a rumor, it goes, like, public and everybody, like, thinks it's real. It's just been a really fun time.

If anything, this is, like, giving me a PhD in, like, human psychology and, like, how people interact in, like, social settings. And then they have, like, confirmation bias that they use to promote their own agendas. It's been a wonderful thing to watch. Echo chambers are dope. Yeah. It's pretty fun. Everybody's in their own agendas. It's been a wonderful thing to watch. Echo Chambers are dope. Yeah. Everybody's in their own little fucking But I do want everybody to know that I am a beta, just a big cuck.

Beta cuck. B-E-T-A C-U-C-K I only shoot BB guns. No, Matt, you do not own any firearms. Dude, did you see my 20 mil? You haven't seen that in the first one. Yeah, you put your balls on it. not own any firearms. Did you see my 20 mil you haven't seen them? That's right you did

Fucking that things it took me two years to get it, but my god that was a process Man my Wednesday, well, usually it's not on a Wednesday and my Wednesday spot It's a Wednesday Snipers or whatever will shoot their Barrett's they'll have a guy who actually will sometimes they'll do like the over the shoulder Yeah, yeah for sure. Can we do that with you? Can you can we standing shoot your hands? What happens? Have you ever we did I did no no so Most the ammunition to buy over-the- the counter, which is obviously trash ammunition. Yeah.

Can you buy that over the counter? Yeah, yeah. What counter are you buying this over? CVS. I mean, like, yeah, CVS, HEB, anything in Texas. Ukraine? Boosies. Boosies.

Boosies is gone. Yeah. Fucking Boosies. No, it's Boosies. It's Boosies. It's Boosies. It's the one with, like, the little otter on there or whatever it is Yeah, it's a squirrel. Okay, really nice bathrooms. I apologize to all my Texas family. I'm sorry great squirrel

How do you spell it boosies? Gary Busey started it. I know. Family owned. Family owned. That got you? Oh, a dad joke landed in the belly. Let's go. Come on down to Gary's Busey's. Do you know how that, you know how, um,

I just got to keep calling it Bucky's? I'm not going to call it Bucky's. I'm going to call it Bucky's. You said Bucky's. You show some fucking respect to Buc-ees. Do you know how they started? It started as more of a truck stop, like fucking gas station, and I'm not fucking with you, that had the cleanest bathrooms.

No, so bathrooms is fucked. But that's how they started was no one had a good option on road trips to like go take a nice shit. There's no fucking shits on the road. No, so that's how they started that's really the end of my story I am fluck if you can cut that last part out too that'd be dope yeah please my shit to me they're opening one in Bernie, you know that, right?

I cannot wait. No, get the fuck out. No. It's like two years out. We fight in this fucking town alone. Bro, I'm going to shit all over Bernie Boosie. Dude, but it's going to make I-10 so busy. I-10 doesn't have the...

It's two lanes right now. I can't go through Bernie right now. No shit. They can't fix my fucking bridge, but I found a secret way. Oh, I know your secret way. Yeah, you got to take like... I'm not putting it on the podcast back down. I found a secret way. Oh, I know your secret way Yeah, you guys take like I'm not I'm not putting the podcast Hey what what you know the secret way to the Milky Way By the way, can we have a serious conversation for one second?

I want to say rest in peace to Pluto By the way, can we have a serious conversation for one second? Fuck. I want to say rest in peace to Pluto. From 2000? It was such an amazing planet. And then we just casted it out to the fucking universe as a moon. Was that 2012 we did that? Yeah. Somewhere around there. Like, how unfortunate.

Batty, what's the closest star to the Earth? The sun, you fucking idiot. Okay, hey, I was just making sure. I was just, what's the second closest? Is it, it's not Beetlejuice, is it? Is it Beetlejuice? Yeah, good job, big boy. Good job.

Oh my God. What's the closest galaxy? Andromeda. I'm up. He's got some, he's got some knowledge. Let's go. You get fist bump for that.

And on that very note, his name is 20 days. I am counting down. No, no. In 20 days, the new, um,

wow. I just had a brain fart. I've been drinking. Um, no, that's what's causing it. Okay, cool.

Least. I don't look like you. Yet. I will look like this forever. You, sir, will plummet. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. I'll put a pistol in my face, and I'll be a squirt gun filled with your mom's fluids. I don't know.

Oh, I don't like that. I'm going to tell her you said that. I'm over like that. I don't like that either. I'm gonna tell her you said that. I'm over a wedding this much. I wish her the best, I'm sorry. Why is Matt here at the wedding? This is weird. I'm at my mom's wedding. He doesn't think what you're saying.

You flustered me a little bit. I'm not easily flustered. And Matt's giving the sermon, he's like, ahem. Yeah. I need a water gun. And, ma'am, I need a water gun. Can you please squat? Squat here. Is that how you know you've made it?

Patty's rolling up paper. He's just doing a funnel. Okay, I'm going to get vulgar. I don't care anymore. What a flexo. What a flexo. Where if like I just walked up to you and I squirted you in the face You're like cool water gun be like I just fucked a chick and that's her squirt cum and I put it in the squirt guns It's it's like it's it's diluted pee. You know I call it the squirt cum gun

And I squirt you in the face with you man. Why is it salty? It's like a hydration packet. I don't like this. It's a squirt cum gun. And I squirt you in the face. Why is it salty? It's like a hydration packet. I don't like this. It's a squirt cum gun. Why would you admit this? I want to go back. Why isn't this real yet? I want to go back in time. Are you going to squirt?

Okay. Say when. I like how we're going to talk about space and just gotten squirt guns. I was like, where is the connection? Batty, what's the closest Andromeda? Have you seen my squirt gun? It's fucking dope. You have to deliver.

Video games. Like, what the fuck? They're like, I know your title of your podcast told me to unsubscribe but I'm fucking doing it after this episode this is the one the new telescope or the new fucking satellite the new fucking picture thing in the sky the new Hubble pretty much

what's the new Hubble called? I brain farted that's why we went on the squirt gun pee stuff I actually don't know the name right now so July 12th are the first images that's the name of it I'm surprised you know the name right now so July 12th are the first image that's the name of it I'm surprised you know July 12th but you don't know the name of the fucking

I know I'm having a brain fart and you can have brain farts July 12th is the first time that all the images are going to be fucking put together perfectly from its sensors and I am crazy crazily excited about that what's better than a well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue a well marbled ribeye sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected crazily excited about that. you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply.

Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. It's a historic moment for humankind. Like, I feel like it's bizarre to me that we as a society, if, you know, all these communists that want a global society, but as a global species of humans don't look at something

like this satellite and providing its fucking images outwards the unexplored fucking crazy thing we live in yes 100% well in what capacity let's get on this this is my Mexicans got it okay so what's the question yes James I'm like a spacecraft comes down it's like take some photos and como estas by the way by the way do not give that to batty batty had a fucking google it in his fucking phone before he said James Webb I just hope Mexicans are the ones that come out of the first UFO that comes out. It is a whole spacecraft that lands

on an independent day and like me llamo Ila. Can we shoot that? It's like, oh fuck, the aliens arrived. The space shuttle lands and it starts mowing the lawn. I'm like, wait, what the fuck? No, you have this. You have like

the ram drops, I was like, a Mexican walks down, he's like, she, a weed, a leaf blow. I love it.

Love it. And then, and then you look at your wife, like, do you have to pay him for that? I think we just give him some fajita. We're good. They might want a citizenship. By the way, and then, and then you look at your wife, like, do you have to pay him for that? I think we just give him some, but I hate that. We're good.

They might want a citizenship. By the way, I was talking to Zeus about that last night. Cause we're all laughing. Cause I have a consophos tattoo. So like I'm a straight white boy, but like, but like the Mexican culture is arguably my favorite culture just cause it's all family

and they drink beer and they have fucking cookouts and there's like my jam. So especially coming from SoCal, um i can make those jokes because i have a spanish tattoo that's what i'm saying you have a mexican friend yes and my wife is half spanish so does that give so i'm friends with your wife and a mexican guy does that make yeah i think comedy well you said a mexican guy it is i say I have a Mexican friend. I love that. He's like, I have a Mexican guy. There's like another guy. You know a guy.

I didn't say it was Eli. Can we delete this episode? Just like throw it in the fucking trash. We're just like digging it. We're just like digging our fucking own dick. I have the worst joke for Batty, I think. Go on. When you say joke, is it a joke or are you just being a dick?

No, no, no, it's a joke. It's going to be really bad, though. Like, so funny, so bad it won't make you laugh. If I had my superpowers and I hugged James Franco, I would call him James Webb. I wanted that to hurt you of how bad it was. Because the web of cum that comes out of him. Okay.

I know. I know. Good. That's the last one I'm going to do. As soon as you bring up James Franco, you know what I do? Immediately. Pile up Express. Pile up Express.

And then you know what's going on? Seth Rogen. And then everybody called me Seth Rogen. For the last goddamn two months of my life Because I trimmed my beard What's the one That was a fantastic flick Oh my god Such a good flick

The dick Fuck The The interview The interview Ha It did start with that And you were shaking your head

I thought you were I thought you started with a D I thought you were Going to drop a T word But what an awful D word it did The dictator Yeah

That's not the name of the movie No The interview Damn it Do you The dictator. Yeah. That's not the name of the movie. No. What was the interview? Damn it. Do you already forget that? Yeah, bro. You started with a D. He's like, interview.

You're like, see? Your brain power is worse than my jokes. That's not what you were saying. It's that ram. I'm the actor. Just all ram. You can't steal my ram joke. That's my ram joke.

No. That's where I got it from. There's no storage. I heard D, and I was like, ah, gone. Deleted. Gone. Great dictator. I was right.

You know, that's the nerd, the weeb talk I always say. I can't talk. The weeb talk is, is I make a joke that my wife is a hard drive, right? So she stores a lot of data. I show her a membership from six years ago. And I mean that in like the thing that she. You i'm ram i just flash memory so i can fucking function in a super high level but i forget fucking everything and so it's like i don't know which one would be better maybe both but if you combine the two i just tell my wife things because i process quick enough to be like remember, and then she remembers fucking everything. Who's the CPU? Me.

I call my exes. First one to burn out. Roger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need something to replace? I'm pretty convinced that my wife will have the opportunity to have a second marriage. Like a long second marriage. Oh, you're going to kill yourself long before. Yeah, because I'll be like 56 and just slump over.

She'll be like 48, and she'll be like, we made it. Girls got it made in the veteran space. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Good honor. Good honor, though.

I'm not fucking. Trust me. That's the business plan. That's what they wrote out with other girls. Yeah. Like here is my business plan. We have to deal with his alcoholic tendencies for 12 to 16 years. He died.

And then I don't. Eventually him and his friends will off themselves in a group. How many of us can. I have to protect my wife in that. She cares about my well-being and she's like, you should probably slow down a little bit. And I'm like, I love you, babe, but I'm not slowing down. They do all the girls, all the girls, even Savs. Like, babe, doctor's appointment. Go. I was like, why love you, babe, but I'm not slowing down. They do all the girls, all the girls, even Savs, like, babe, doctor's appointment.

Go. I was like, why? We need that, though. We don't go to doctor. No, it's like I never do. My wife's like, you should get your blood work. I got my blood work done when I was 22. It's like, oh, that was the minute.

Dude, we were in Seattle for PAX. I was coughing up blood everywhere. I was like, I'm good. I can't swallow it. My throat is seized completely. I'm just like drooling. I'm like, sorry about that. I'm good. I can't swallow it. My throat is seized completely. I'm just like drooling. I'm like, I'm good. I don't need to go to the doctor. I got my first... I did my blood work when I got my first sleeve that I

also covered up with a completely different sleeve. It's probably time to check my book. I'm semi-proactive with my health. I should go to the doctor. Everyone that has health insurance. Do you ever get like on Instagram? Or if you don't, even then, you should probably just like one checkup. It's not going to hurt you that bad.

Like a checkup. Just a checkup. I always love when you get on Instagram too. And it's like some like tragic but heroic story of someone that wished they would have caught like their illness before if they just took care of themselves. And I'm like, sweet, where's the chick in the bikini on TikTok? Just like straight just like fucking stupid shit shit why would I like that yeah god bless them we're going again man you guys you guys bring the worst out of me so I'm not you live I'm not driving we got ubers we got fucking

it was a hard question baddie let's let's let's do something hit me with something hit me something you want to know about like let's go come on I'm your guest. I want to know about well. You know so much about me, but like not about me necessarily, but like Anything let's have a conversation how big is your dick actually wow literally the first time we ever met the first thing you did you were like my dick is this big that's not true this is a hard you said to me I'm gonna pull into my

fucking ram and my little bit of hard drive space I have you said something to the effect of this. I hope your dick is small. And I said, I'm sorry, baddie. It's not.

I remember that conversation. You showed me a picture of your cock. Yes. Was that a real picture of your cock? Why would I Photoshop a cock? Was it the black one? Cause it is. You see how he just tried.

You're like, you're the news towards Black Red Bull. I talked to Matt the first time, and then he just said his cock's big. I'm like, well, you asked me. You said, I hope at least your cock's small. And I said, it's not. And he went, bullshit.

And then I showed him a photo of my dick. I'm helping you out here. Thank you. Where's my... I'm happily married, so... I have to pull my own. People don't even know you have a big dick. It's not like giant.

It's more like Well above average bad day for you is a good day for anybody else Okay, sure I'm uncomfortable now Today on September 11th, we're asking the deep questions. Matt Best, what is the size of your penis? We're really going. Matt, you're asking the weirdest questions. Don't start with me. You're our audience.

You don't want to know? How big is Matt's dick? I've never seen Matt in a comment section. You're welcome. I'll say slightly over eight inches. Yeah, like straight up. I know. Wait I don't say straight up when referencing my penis But I'll say senior if I I got it. I got an okay. Don't you have a fucking giant butthole? New Dave's bow is mammoth It's so big it's prehistoric. That one got me. Holy shit.

How many inches is your butthole? How many inches wide? What's the diameter? The diameter. Wait, that's a question to ask girls, right? I've never known, because I think every vagina is... How long are your pussy lips? What them baloney flaps look like? Oh, God. Arby's, we have them meet. No, but like, he's like... How long are your pussy lips?

Every personality jives well with a personality that supplements So the personalities that are associated like like a lot of people that are good people But like we just don't get along what like does do girls generally speaking want a specific type of thickness longness motion of the ocean because you hear it all right but like i want to know the aggregate of like american females that go i like it you want me seven inches long thick and any girl who says they're happy with a small thing is lying i can actually actually. Unless they like butt stuff and they just don't want to get stretched out. They're lying. Statistically speaking, what Femos have answered is for a. I don't know this.

I don't know. I know all those fucking. The tism facts. Sorry. We'll call them tism facts. Yeah. Tism facts. Eli's tism fact of the week is go.

Go. So the average length was like five inches or whatever. The average length is. Imagine. I know so it would be that is what if you're married to an individual for a long-term relationship That is what they're happy with five to six inches for one night stands or just fun Then it is bigger and then the smaller ones are never on the spectrum Unlike my son they're not on the spectrum. I need you to support me in this.

Yes, go. I don't know why women wanna shame guys about their dick size. Maybe don't have a hallway. Yeah. That's not fair. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna come out on the fence with the women.

Really? That's not fair. But they always project it's all about the dick size. And'm like never fucking more dug out than the Texas Roadways wide What really never oh well, then you're not as promiscuous as you That's why I said 20s I'm thinking right Why don't but I'm gonna pussy men like Yeah, really yeah, how bored out was this? Drill that went from Europe to fucking England. It was like the fuck

The big drill, I don't know but that I had a really bad joke, but I like you too much to say it No, let me we gotta hear it it. Just call your mom and ask her. You let him all this. This entire... I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it so bad. And then I felt bad. I felt bad. I was like, I don't know the circumstance.

Your mom... I just love... The joke was long enough for you to actually think through an emotional storyline. It's like, is it too far? My dad actively listens to this podcast. He listens to every single episode. I'm so sorry, sir. They're not married anymore.

That shit's stuck, all right? Fuck that bitch! I love you, mom. I'm going to your wedding next month. I'm sorry. Which number is it? It's like a Texas pool where you don't really Have to like find a spot To jump in

You can just kind of Fall into it You know I have never It's like my dad's butthole Papa Bess is a real big gay I'm gonna just clip this For Papa Bess

He's gonna just sell me He already I think Mason's his son Is your mom still around? Yes I've never met your mother. She's a sweetheart. Yeah Yeah, I'm no woman. You don't need to make fun of my mom in any regard cuz she said she's me I have I'm her son this yeah, I exist I exist. I don't even had to talk

Probably the four of these yeah Yeah, like three hours of sleep and being hungover And yeah, we're here We're just playing catch up Matt's like, I haven't drank hard like that in a long time Welcome to the podcast We'll do half a fucking bottle Right here already Finish it It won't take long to tell you Neutrals ingredients Vodka

Soda Natural flavors So Vodka, soda, natural flavors. So, what should we talk about? No sugar added? Neutral. Refreshingly simple fucking congrats on you getting your tiktok back yeah is that it i want to have a good i want you

to like hit me with a hard conversation like i like what the fuck is i don't know like because then you can like clickbait it and be like matt best is really washed up i don't need to click that that's already it's already thing god there we go. Yes, fuck yeah dude. Nice. Nice. I found out, this is what I've been doing. Batty, have you noticed in the last 10 podcasts when I laugh I do this right here? Yeah, you go all sorts of crazy.

You're just all over the fucking- So it's not near the mic when I laugh because the comments are like, dolphin laugh is always, I can't hear the guests Yeah, I'm like I'm gonna laugh back always I can't hear the guess You know dolphins are one of the few mammals that have sex for pleasure. Yeah, and they do it to humans unconsensually Whoa, no, I'm probably dolphins

unconsensual grape Pete humans they try to the oh the grape yeah, they Did they do the great people are like what the fuck like there's like yeah? Yeah, the dolphins a lot of videos are like yeah dolphins fucking Wait woman to dolphin killed itself after the woman fucked it too much wait can dolphins how they're like the smartest things out there Smartest well, it's not someone didn't push up so the whales are cooler, but their wounds are up there born enough Duffin push-ups that day I'm in the same situation as Dave. I got cocked guard twice now in this podcast. It's solid.

You can see their struggle. Oh, he's sad. It's like he's got a blowhole. Well, now he has two holes. That's fun, man. That's cool. I want to choose one. Oh, man, you guys roughed me up on that one.

Big shot. No, I feel like I should expand on that, though, a little bit. You know? Dolphin suicide? Dolphin suicide. No. I mean, the intricacies of interception. I'm intercepting. Whatever. I don't have to make it right. I mean the intricacies of There we go

They want to hear Matt no no Suicide my man. Yeah. Sorry, forever sleep. Yeah, we gotta. Try to monetize because of dolphins. I call it perma-nap. Permanap? Permanap. Forever sleep, perma-nap?

Permanap, yeah. I think we're gonna need to monetize either way, so it doesn't really matter. We've only had one, two. Two. We've had like eight. We're at eight? It's a lot. All right, I can spell dominion.

I can spell dominion. I can spell Dominion. F. He's like, whoa! Man got lift off. He doesn't even know why. That's the other half of Donut Superpower. Whenever anyone's a racist, he fucking He walks in, he's not talking.

He's like, No, no, no, no, no. Which one of you fuckheads are thinking something? I'm so sorry, bro. What's yours? I run really fast. He's the brown streak. Yeah, I speed a lot.

So he sits in the middle. Yeah, you got it. I mean, the brown streak, so you're right, dude. Yeah. I mean, you get it when called the coming, the brown streak. What are you? I don't really have, I don't think anybody gave me a name. What is it again?

I just, I'm super strong, but I come when I use my strength. Come, yeah. Pedo man is what I call it. Let's get the kids out of this, you know? Let's leave the kids out of this. Well, I didn't talk about getting involved every time. So you come and you have super strength. No, I have super strength, but I come.

Yeah. So like, I get in my car. Anytime it's activated. But if, like, yeah, I can bench whatever I want, but as I'm super strength, but I cum. Yeah. So, like, I can lift my car. Anytime it's activated. But if, like, yeah, I can bench whenever I want, but as I'm doing it, like. You're cumming, yeah. I'm trying to think of a cool name for you. It's, like, actively cumming. Yeah.

Hmm. I don't know. The cum? We should just call you White Claw. It's like the Hulk. Because Claw is strong. White is cum. Did you ever see that?

Oh! About the Hulk dick fucking that chick back, way back in the day. I always get. I know everybody knows it I always get served those random ads in like Pornhub and it's like a Hulk fucking some chick and I'm like what populated

I've never watched anime it's just like it's like a pillar it's always a fucking ad I think that's because porn this is actually an interesting topic where you're you for me this is actually yeah youtube how a uh like for ads or anything you like and videos you see it like hey you would like this everyone browses porn hub and everything on

private so there is no like specific they're just like i'm gonna throw random ads at this dude maybe you like that into my exclusive account. I give him my phone number. I said, text me with updates. Oh. Either do I? No. They know.

I'm not trying to run a VPN on there. They know my VIN number. Like, we're good. My VIN number. Is the porn better? I just said, hold on. Can we make fun of me real quick? I just said VPN.

I said my VIN number instead of IP and so I was yeah You know my TRX fucking classification vehicle identification number shut the fuck up yeah Why for five fucking years. Is that not what it stands for? Fuck every goddamn idiot that says VIN number. Why? Because it's VIN, a vehicle identification number number. Why are you saying VIN number? It's just a VIN.

You don't need to say number after VIN. I'm done. I'm over it. That was... Ah. So, what's your VIN? What's your VIN? Vehicle identification number. So, yeah. The N your VIN? What's your VIN? Vehicle identification number. So yeah, so it's it's it's

Redundant to say numbers so okay. What's your VIN number? Yeah, so what's your VIN number number? That's that's your VIN number number. So my bad he doesn't have friends. Yeah. There's a lot of reasons I don't have friends, but that's not one of them. I'm your friend. He has one friend. I mean but that's not one of them. I'm your friend.

He has one friend. I mean, now that I'm really washed up, I'm your friend. Ten years ago, we wouldn't be friends. Oh, God, no. No, I was like five years ago. I was like cool five years ago. Five years ago. But then I woke up, and I'm like, dude, I got a giant dick, good cheekbones. I'm pretty fucking awesome.

Are those your real cheekbones? Yes, they are. Actually, yeah, the teeth are fake, but good cheekbones. I'm pretty fucking awesome. I love your weird cheekbones. Yes, they are. Actually, yeah, the teeth are fake, but the cheekbones are real. Yeah. If you had fake cheekbones, I'd be like, what? If you're like, no, they're fake. How do you know? Do they make fake cheekbones?

They all 100% do. Have you seen the Kardashians? You can do whatever you want. Oh, shit. You can do whatever you want. I think we should play a game where the loser has to get completely reconstructed physical surgery But like a hot girl like you could be a hot guy Girl girl girl

Work in someone the unsubscribe podcast if they had to go trans who would be it Probably donut. I feel like he has the frame Some laser hair removal everyone's gonna vote me because they see female Eli. They've seen female Eli. You're too stocky. You're too stocky. He's too stocky. Yeah, but some dudes like that.

Girl, Eli is good. I've seen it. He does all the girl Eli things. Yeah, I make a bad chick. You looked good. You looked all right, too. Ah, buddy! This is the last time you were on the podcast.

I don't know if we talked about this i had uh some actual like irel old school friends of mine forever in real life guys yeah yeah i hate this friends send me photos they're just joking memes yeah they were you in the the your, your wife's shorts. It was the photo of you with the, uh, and 73, the grenade launcher. Yeah. Okay. With Eli. Yeah.

Yeah. And they're like, this is so funny. And I was like, that's my buddy. What? I sent the photo of like you on the Zonkey and be like, I know that that's.

Yeah. Almost didn't publish that photo. I thought it was funny though. I mean, it's, we got that. We got the bikini one where I added a bikini. That's my friend. I almost didn't publish that photo. I thought it was funny, though. I mean, it's... We got that. We got the bikini one where I added a bikini. Yeah, I straight did, like, nude on the pool side. Was that the beach one?

No. The pool one. Yeah, I've done a lot of these. I've done a lot of these. Yeah, the pool one. I'm just sitting there. I'm like, yeah, man, you look good. Okay, perk your back a little more.

Put your dick away. Yeah, you look good. Yeah. Okay, sweet. Okay, great. Who cares? And then we add the bikini. Do you always text during work? Is that like what you do Darnell? Oh? Darnell's my favorite thing that's not happening, so it's fine. Okay cool. Make sure it happens Hey, you know I I call the clap? 2016 for Matt.

I got chlamydia in 2016. Did you really? Yeah. I feel like I'm going to reclap. Never had an SDI or STD. I had one because I play safe. Do you want this on the podcast? Matt, is this a podcast?

Yeah, it's a podcast. Okay. Never mind. Keep it on. It was Colorado. Jesus. Let's say those. It was, let's just say at the time it was Rocky Mountains.

You know what I'm saying? No, it would, it was a check off Tinder, dude. And like. Did you go skydiving? Mm-hmm. We did not skydive. Tinder is wonderful. Did you ride a bull named? No. No skydive. Did you ride a bull?

No, you don't know this person. Okay. No, this is pre you. I was doing a song for you. Skydiving? Rocky Mountain. Oh, God damn. How did you ever get that?

I would be like, how did you not get that? I was like, it's going to click. But you never reference songs. You don't know it. You were right. Never mind. It's going to click. But you never reference songs. What? You don't know it. Like you were right. Never mind. He doesn't know music. Yeah.

I know. But it's the opposite. Autistic people are like brilliant in music. And I'm the opposite of that. That's what. Yeah. The tism. That's the tism shirt.

All right. It's tism with two hands. I'm over the fucking story. All I wanted to say. No, say it. I met a bitch on Tinder. I fucking banged her with a condom. It broke. She said, don't worry. I don't have sex with anybody.

And then the funniest part about this. Oh, that's actually a pretty good story. I forgot it was. So, I went to see my friend in Colorado. You were going on a list and I was keeping track. It's the tism. The condom broke and I was like super scared, but pulled out you know you ever do that

We pull out you're like oh fuck put another condom on finish my shit, and I'm like we're good I was like it was like. I don't know how long he's probably like three minutes I you can't get anything for the minutes right so I fly back to fucking California where I lived and I'm so I'm sitting there And I'm getting like I'm Yeah, I put a second condom on. He's laughing because you put a first condom on. Yeah. Yeah.

He doesn't put condoms on. Yeah. Well, if I looked like you, girls wouldn't want my kids. So four days before, bro, four days before I'm going to Iraq. Wait, Iraq? Yeah. Iraq. if you've been deployed you say that Well for it so four days before I'm getting ready to deploy I'm taking a piss dude batting I'm taking a piss I'm sitting ready to deploy. I'm taking a piss, dude. Batting? I'm taking a piss. I'm sitting there going like, huh. You know how dudes think, right?

Every dude in the world wants to be like, there's something wrong. I must go to the clinic. And I'm like, that's wrong. Nah. That's normal. And of course, being a dude, I'm like, it's fine. It's fine. We give it two days. I sleep with another girl.

I work on him, though. I work on him. I work on him. In verbatim. I swear to God, I've never told this story. Verbatim. She goes, she goes, because I woke up in the middle of the night. We banged once, and I was like, oh, you know,

I wake up at four in the morning. Bear with you. I'm tell-all right here. And I'm like, oh, I should fuck again. I start rubbing on her, and she's like, I know your types. Put another condom on before you fuck me again. I'm like, bitch, whatever. So I put a condom on, of course.

And then the next morning, I wake up, and I was like, yo, it burns when I pee. Do your eyes do this when you, when you had that realization? Cause I had a Utah once and I didn't realize, I was like, yeah. So check this fucking crazy shit out. I go to the fucking doctor. Right. And I'm like, Hey, uh, tell him the whole thing. I swear to God, this is 100% real story. I've never told this. I show up

to the fucking doctor, the ER, the little fucking clinic that I used to go to as a kid that gave me stitches and shit. And I'm like, I'm like, good sir, good sir, good sir, I may have contracted a venereal infection. I think it's just like pneumonia for the penis. And he's like, OK, this guy called.

No, no, I swear to God, this is real story. And he comes in, he goes, Do you mind if my intern from Sweden comes in or where the fuck was? I think it's Sweden. I'm like, nah, whatever. Like, just another doctor from a smoke show. I swear to fucking God. Like level, level 10 fucking like, like 1v1 on the end of Warzone map.

Fucking perfect. And I was like, okay. And he goes, just drop your pants and pull back your fucking dick skin. So I'm like, and I'm looking at home girl

who's like the Swedish fucking Mariah Carey. I don't even know what you, I'm fucking like inspecting my cock. Huh? Christmas is coming. Who's Christmas? Mariah Carey. Oh yeah Christmas is coming. Yes. Yes. So I have to pull my penis back dude and show it to the doctor

this like old antiquated fucking 75 year old that probably hates his life with this fucking girl he's probably having sex with to show him my dick. I'm like, how is this? Like, you don't like,

you don't massage the chest to know if you have pneumonia. Why are you looking at my penis? I'm like, whatever, do that weird story. Leave the fucking office. I'm like, he's like,

you're fine. I, yeah, no, no, but they didn't do like the rapid testing back then. So I was like, Oh, I'm good.

And he's like, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. I'm like, cool. Two days later i get in a plane i fly to iraq i'm sitting in iraq i do not check any of my phone messages because i'm at work for like three weeks i call skype and i call my fucking phone it goes hello

matthew this is the public service announcement from santa barbara california you have not responded and you are at risk for public health. So they called me and left a message saying I had chlamydia. And then they reported me to the public health fucking clinic. So like I'm a fucking fugitive on the loose at this point with chlamydia, just giving it to all the bitches, right? And so like, I didn't know what to do.

So I'm like, fuck. I walk in to the nurse, this sweet Asian lady that worked in this tiny little fob I worked at in the fucking bumfuck Egypt and Iraq. Well, not bumfuck Iraq. You just say that. You don't have to say Egypt. That's all of Iraq. And I'm looking at her.

I'm like, so I have chlamydia. What is, I think you can give me a pill. She's like, well, how do you know that, sir? I'm like, my voice. Like, testify. She testify she's like cool so this is the worst part she hands me two fucking little pills and she's like take these and i'm like can i drink on these can i do she's like yeah you're fine you'll be good in three days and i'm like i'm like that's it that's it two little antibiotics and then all i did was i got back on skype and I called the doctor's office at probably one in the morning in their time. And I'm like,

uh, I'm in a, I'm in Iraq. A nurse, a nurse gave me some penis pills. Uh, I ain't got the COVID of the dick. So like,

call me back if you need anything. I never heard anything else. And then from that day forward, I was like, I gotta be smart with this thing. Sorry. It was a long story, but that's all real. I swear to God, I fuck that smart with this thing. Sorry, that was a long story, but that's all real. I swear to God. Fuck that. That girl was so attractive. I'm

sorry if you ever watched this Swedish girl, whoever you are, you were very attractive and I apologize for showing you my infected penis. I really hope she watches unsubscribe of all things. She's like, I really like the unsubscribes. This gentleman looks very familiar.

The COVID penis. I remember his penis. The COVID penis. The COVID penis was very noticeable. Man, I tell you. Crazy life. But you're kidding. There's so many things.

I hate. Dude, after all these things. I will say. I've never told that whole story before. I hate Dude after I will say I never told that Whole story Dude the most Stressful time

Is after An STD check That is the only time I've been in Fucking war Combat Everything It's the only time

I'm like I feel like I'm walking out You a champ You a champ It's a fucking UFC fight I have

120,000 people fucking. I don't know what song's playing. I bet we've told the story. I don't know if we told this story. Can we tell? Does Donut know? I feel like we told it on the podcast already. Did we?

I think we did. I think we did. Or it could have been just breakfast. So, Daddy was fucking around with a lot of wild shit when he moved to Texas. And, yeah, like a lot of wild, it was, mistakes were made. Yeah. And my boy Donut may or may not have been single at the time. And may or may not have been also fucking around a lot of wild shit.

Is that it? Mm-hmm. Mr. Donut went and took an STD test. Okay. Mm-hmm. Totally clean. Totally clear. He was in the clear.

But, unfortunately, those tests don't come back immediately so we're all at brunch and I'm joking talking about wild shit I'm doing this man's having a panic attack because he's like what if I got what if I got the no I remember what started this story what started the story can Can I say it? Yeah, 100%. Okay, so this is my... Give me the tism. I was like, oh yeah. Because Batty, we got a text and it was like,

fucking midnight. He was like, bro, I just went on Tinder today and this girl fucking, this girl hit me and we were like cuddling and stuff. Nothing unfolded yet. Two girls. Yeah, and the girl was like, hey, Fucking this girl hit me. We were like cuddling stuff nothing Hey I got her Already in bed with me

Hardest part I got the herp and I was like I mean if I can be honest thank god she told me herp god bless her for being honest she played it right she's like let me fucking

let me lure you and see if you make your decision on your health but thank god she told you I get so scared with that shit now

like cause I I don't know how you guys feel about it, but when I tell stories of the chlamydia thing that I had, thank God, I got the light version of things that could be permanent. Clean bill of health, dude, so lucky. And then now when I think about those things, I'm like, fuck, dude.

I'm so stoked to be buried because I'm like, I know that bitch got a good clean hell like she's hot as fuck That's like my miss my chicks my woman like and we just like you have to worry about it anymore like I This single life was fun for sure trust me I lived it up, but man that's a but it never know what you like your dick starts sneezing, and there's a story like Oh boy boys and girls where your condoms be safe like I'm telling you it only takes once it only takes once I'm here watching movie kids. No, thanks, or no Those are the. Like I'm telling you, it only takes once. It only takes once. Have you ever watched a movie, kids? No, thanks. Or don't.

Those are the stories I'm just like. Or don't. Or baddie. Just don't listen to baddie. Steve over here. Joe, Dave. Or don't. You don't want to be Dave.

So put it on. Those are the only times, as I said. It was this chick told me after. was it heps or no oh no no sorry you it was like was it face herpes or i don't mean none of it's good it was definitely the oh no the vajage zone yeah yeah yeah so it was like ha ha ha we're in bed together and you sleep on the other side of the bed. Oh, you still slept there? No, she slept in, so she stayed over. Oh, so you just got a blowy.

No. I got nothing that night. Matt's like, is there... Is there a vaccination for this? Because you should trust Big Pharma to tell you what to put in your body. You're an amazing human. Thank you so much for being an absolute gem on the honor system. And you know what they say?

She's a real positive person. She was like, hey, man, just so so you know this is the hardest part and I was like that's great god bless her though I just picture this I had a what's the hardest part? I'm in the same blanket on the couch and I'm like

eyebrows yeah I had a girlfriend that I dated in high school and then she came to visit me in When I was an army coming out one more time And then I came back into Santa Barbara went to hang out with her and she hung out with me She had this huge sore on her lip And this is the story told me she goes

she was I Put teeth wideners in and it burned my lip. I was like, it's the dumbest excuse I've ever heard for herpes in my life, bro. Just let me know. It's cool. Well, I found out later. She was like, after we'd gone our separate ways and for the three years I didn't see her, she went in a prostitution ring and then randomly died.

So she just fucking died. What? At 26 years old. Just straight died. So I think she got in like drugs and shit, but I was like, it started with a herpes. Like it's, it's like, it's like the devil's lettuce. It's a gateway drug.

What's wrong with your lip? Curling. Yeah. It's the worst shit ever. You know what I'm saying? And you're like, where did you just go like this? Yeah. Did you just hold it here For like It looks about five minutes

She said she has her teeth whitening things But sometimes the crest strips Or whatever they're called burn her lips And I was like Did you like sit down with yourself And make up a better fucking A better excuse R.I.P. sorry But you know

Maybe Rethink that How'd you break your arm filing paper and you're like what that's not boys but you

oh fuck honey come on no we weren't dating at the time it was just we went back in a date she went on a date

with full that's when you show up to the date and you're like. You can't drink my water. Oh, my God. Is that Gatorade light? Can I have a sip? You're like.

It's just a uh-uh. Can I try your chicken wings? No. Can I share your ranch? No. Can you eat gluten? No. No. Everything I'm your ranch? No. Can you eat gluten? No, no. Everything I'm eating has gluten in it.

Oh, my God. This podcast is out of legs. Matty, close it down. Thank you for watching the Elstrap Podcast. As always, we have Eli Double Tap, myself,

Matt. And your new host, Matt Best. The new host. A very special,

special guest. Matthew Best. You can find him on the internet everywhere under M-A-T-T. Two T's, right?

Yeah, or just if you look on Instagram at Batty's Mom's a Squirt gun. God bless you guys. I'm out. Recording!

You guys are gonna record this whole entire time, huh? One. Cut my life in two pieces! This is his last resort. I was trying to get my voice nice and fucked up

because I gotta record music tonight. There you go.