Unsubscribe Podcast - 69 - The Biggest Nerd ft. Shayne Smith

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Starting point is 00:00:26 terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. Did you record? Is this? That one's on now. Is it recording? Yes. No, that one. Yeah. The one that you yelled at me about not playing. Batty, who did the audio? Do you why the audio? There's four bars. I see four bars. I see four bars. Flood, can you punch it on those four bars?

Starting point is 00:00:48 We had like five episodes where one mic wasn't plugged in. Like a mic fell out over here and we don't check it because we're drinking. Five mics. Why would you check it? It's not like this is important or great. No, you got to stretch it. I got to fit it. Oh, okay.

Starting point is 00:01:02 We all got. Did it get in there? it. Oh, okay. We all got... Get in there. Everything reminds me of her. Are these cold or hot? Oh, they're hot. Get a foreskin. There it is. I heard if you put one of these on,

Starting point is 00:01:19 the drink lasts longer. I don't know how to get mine on. I've never had one. It's a buddy team. It's a buddy. Oh no, I got it dude. Oh man. I hear in European countries it's more normal.

Starting point is 00:01:31 Well, I am Jewish so mine's expertly cut exactly as long as it needs to be. There it is. I got that. My guy gave me a fade dude. He killed it. When he did mine he was like. I got that. My guy gave me a fade, dude. He killed it. When he did mine, he was like. Yeah, dude, he cut me up.

Starting point is 00:01:51 Yeah, on the bottom, you can see where they're cut. It happened on the top. It just transitions to normal skin. There it is. Cheers, everybody. Shane, clap for us. Oh. Perfect. There we go. We haven't't a good clap in a few episodes

Starting point is 00:02:15 You don't have a producer this is how it's he does it for when we sit down a drinker Left a comment was like How do you guys like edit this is it or he's like Does he edit it based off their alcoholism He's like kinda it's when they crack their beers That's how I sync their audio There it is All of them rolling

Starting point is 00:02:37 Yeah we did it today Well for the first time We'll see Let's calm down. We got an hour to burn through here before something breaks. Now I'm worried. I'm not. You should be.

Starting point is 00:02:51 Do you want a Burger King? Don't put that in left hand. Yeah. Say hi to Eli. He's racially ambiguous and batty. That guy's fucking ridiculous and donut. It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy welcome to unsubscribe hey guys thanks for watching unsubscribe podcast um make sure wherever you're listening or watching whether it's on youtube uh castro spotify apple google amazon pod Stitcher, or that's all of them.

Starting point is 00:03:25 Please leave a comment, like it, thumbs up it, give it a rating of five stars, whatever you do, it helps the podcast out immensely. And Donut and Eli will be very happy if you do that. And we want to make Donut and Eli happy today. Yeah, five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top don't say something motivating and that's where the you come that is come subscribe cody start that fucking bitch hi everyone unsubscribe podcast here i'm joined today by baddie streams eli

Starting point is 00:03:59 double fap and shane smith who is a wonderful human being. It's me. I'm wonderful. Fuck Shane. Start off hard on this. But, Batty, you look beautiful today. You're glowing almost. You do. You got beard oil in? What's going on with you? Batty's pregnant.

Starting point is 00:04:17 No joke. We were at... I'm not actually pregnant. Tell me. I was going to say. Hold on. We were at... He has a nice vagina.

Starting point is 00:04:25 Where were we at last night night we went to the place Victor Oh soft and we were talking to guy who had a vasectomy and it didn't take and he's like yeah fucking Yeah, yes, and I'm sweating right now cuz I'm living about to get a vasectomy in a little bit Well, you didn't take what do you mean like after the pod? I'm fucking taking care of that, I had my first checkup and shit. I don't ever want kids. I'm fucking taking care of that. Yeah. And he was like,

Starting point is 00:04:49 yeah, I had a checkup and she got pregnant twice. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, dude, that's crazy. Is it not your baby? Yeah, that's my thing. I was like, did you Maury Povich this? Did you check it out?

Starting point is 00:05:02 Are they not? I thought they were like kind of full. Well, you're supposed to go back. You're supposed to go back and get checkups to make sure your little swimmers are dead i don't think it took i don't and from the the context of the story i feel like that's not i think the doctor opened up his balls forgot what he was doing and he was like this guy wants more sperm right the nurse is like i don't know know. Yeah, yeah. Is this widening? Is there a reason? There we go. Connecting four com-tos together.

Starting point is 00:05:28 I thought it was weird. I thought it was weird when I went from four regular ropes to 19 ropes. Put some exhaust pipes in there. That's really good. Fucking flow in that fucking turbo charge this fucking thing. Inflatable. So I'm sitting there like, so I'm like, hey, what do you mean it didn't work? What?

Starting point is 00:05:47 Had to pull out still? Nah. You guys keep going. Nah, dude. I actually think, don't get a vasectomy. It feels better to do it inside when there's risk. You know what I'm talking about? I want us both to be

Starting point is 00:06:03 really putting something down on the future right there It's like this might this might ruin everything You're gonna make me come Week I'm like when a girl goes we shouldn't have done that afterwards you want to do it again right now it's like 99.5% effect we got to call that guy only one out of one woman out of every 1,000 end up pregnant within a year of their partner receiving a vasectomy your son Mexican you're both white that guy's not unleaded. He's premium. He's fucking really doing it, dude.

Starting point is 00:06:48 That's diesel. That's what that is. That's diesel. Aw, dude. He's got those Goldberg sperm just spearing right through. He's gonna walk up to his wife friend, How you doing? Shit, I got you pregnant. He's just touching her. I just, the sperm coming up to a dark close hole and they're like So they all turn around in the hole's closing in that one big sperm.

Starting point is 00:07:32 And get pulled back. REMEMBER ME! I just gotta have the fucking Tropic Thunder survive. It's the fucking thing about Orion where he's like, earn this. Earn this. Matt Damon, the sperm, is just fucking going in on the egg. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:07:53 Our advertisers love when we talk about cum for 45 fucking minutes. Hey, this is episode 69. First off, what's up? 69. 69 boy on top. Yeah yeah that's what this episode is my buddy of mine was with a chick and she never wanted to be on top during 69 so the whole time he's just sitting there just ball slapping her oh yeah butthole and face. I mean, like... She's either...

Starting point is 00:08:26 We've all been there. She's either a throat goat or he's either... He might be telling on himself a little bit. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Because... But the balls. Yeah, I guess if they're low...

Starting point is 00:08:39 You just slap it in the face, dude. If you got low balls... My balls are tight, dude. They're high and tight. You're getting hot, though. You're sweaty. They're not cramped up. I mean, dude. They're high and tight. You're getting hot, though. You're sweaty. They're not cramped up, unless you're outside in the snow. Your butthole is just in their face.

Starting point is 00:08:50 Yeah, dude. Your balls are blocking it. Your balls are... It's dick, balls, butthole. There's a barrier of balls just slapping her in the face. She's got the mosquito. Yeah. She's got goggles, man.

Starting point is 00:09:03 It looks like two over easy eggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 69 it's kind of cool. We have a new shirt dropping with episode 69 See the porn on the unsub porn sub hub chub Hell yeah speaking is 69 tism. I don't know how to transition naturally into this shirt, but it also launches on the same day Yeah, you're fucking it all you're too short That's the one we're all giving to autism research. Yes. They're not complete scumbags. Yeah. We are not profiting off of the tism touch.

Starting point is 00:09:53 As much as I fought against profiting off of it, the guys led me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the research? What's the research project? It's just money going to a bunch of guys in a room watching train videos on YouTube. Hmm, interesting, yes. It's like my son doing the research.

Starting point is 00:10:11 Yeah, yeah. Hey, run. Here's a grand. Good luck. Jump, daddy. 18 hours later, I'm like, well, it counts. But yeah, we have 100,000 subs. Incredible. This will be when this drops Wednesday. In under a year? I'm like, well, it counts. But yeah, we have 100,000 subs. Yep. Incredible.

Starting point is 00:10:27 This will be when this drops Wednesday. In under a year? In a little over a year, we hit 100,000 subs. But the first 20 episodes shouldn't count. No. Those are rough. Yeah. What were you guys up to? We didn't know what we were doing.

Starting point is 00:10:39 We were just getting way too drunk and recording. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It was like an iphone a canon camera and another iphone and they were like crooked and shit on the stands yeah yeah yeah the first 20 podcasts are rough yeah sound never works whatsoever for fucking anyone we were like taking the audio off of the iphones and shit it was bad okay yeah yeah we've come a long way but

Starting point is 00:11:02 at the same time we still fucked it up last time. Yeah, we still fuck it up. We're real good at that. I mean, Eli and me. We haven't been canceled. That's really cool. Dude, that is a big thing. And most of the episodes are green. Most.

Starting point is 00:11:15 Most. Most. The ads are happy. I can't say all of them. 100,000, episode 69, got our buddy Shane. I'm here. Dude, big Shane. Stop touching our guests.

Starting point is 00:11:24 Never. No, he can. Oh, see. We're going. I'm here. Stop touching our guests. Never. No, he can. Oh, we're going full consent over here. We talked about this on the drive. We did. I said, hey, you have enthusiastic consent for whatever you need to do during the podcast. That's what you want, man. That's kind. Yeah, that's kind. Honestly,

Starting point is 00:11:40 well, just regular consent isn't enough because then it's kind of like, well, I guess I guess you can bust my cheeks. Well, just regular consent isn't enough, because then it's kind of like, well, I guess. I guess you can bust my cheeks. Can you be excited about it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I want you to get into it. I want you to like it, too, baby. This is me and Eli, not another thing.

Starting point is 00:11:56 This is different from this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the drive. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Shane is our first guest, other than Donut, that didn't drink on an episode. Donut lasted two weeks, though. I did like three weeks.

Starting point is 00:12:08 Three weeks. I didn't drink on an episode once. You have a reset? A tolerance break? I did. I had like a big reset there. I had another one last month. I got peer pressured at the very end to drink like two sips.

Starting point is 00:12:19 What was the difference? Did your life improve? No, no. I didn't talk. And I was just like this. I don't know what to say now. As Cody said, he's like, I stopped drinking. Life's boring.

Starting point is 00:12:31 Yeah, yeah. I'm bored as fuck right now. Oh shit, life's a nightmare. I'm going to. Yeah, dude, that's me. I'm just raw dogging life all the time. It's fucking terrible, dude. I'm hitting it raw.

Starting point is 00:12:43 He drinks this man. And there's no joke. 24 cans of diet Coke a day. Yeah. Yeah. Conservative estimate. Cause that's not including when I go out, when I'm eating things like this.

Starting point is 00:12:55 Dude, what am I? I didn't know this story on Reddit girl went on a fucking date. She was like, what the, it was like whatever Reddit sub it was. It's like went on a date with a fucking weirdo he just kept drinking diet cokes i love that so much so that's my drink it was him

Starting point is 00:13:12 it was me what it was like a viral reddit but like all these people on reddit were like yo fuck this clown ass bitch little boy who just drinks diet coke on a date. That's weird. What kind of grown man? And then I'm crying at my computer like, it's me. I'm the one. And so I screenshot it and post it on Twitter like it's a joke. Like, fuck it. This was me, man.

Starting point is 00:13:34 And then it went viral too. And that didn't help. It's not like women see like, oh, you drink six Diet Cokes. I should suck your dick about it. That's not how that works. Do you have diet sperm now? Yeah, man.

Starting point is 00:13:48 Dude, my sperm is carbonated, bro. I got that sparkling jizz. That first pops. It shoots out really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. It's spicy too, like McDonald's Sprite. It's not the normal type of carbonated. Good.

Starting point is 00:14:03 That's really going to get you laid now. Thank you. I have spicy sperm it burns yeah what what came from that like were your friends like holy fuck dude all my friends you know there's no way to like know me personally without being like dude you're really fucking putting away so all my friends were just like yeah that figures but i had a crazy amount of people just be like, it wasn't that they were like, that's gross and you're going to die. Those people did exist. They're like, you're dead any day now. And I'm like, well, bitch, I've been drinking this much for like 10 years.

Starting point is 00:14:34 So good luck. I'm going to get superpowers or die. Those are my two options. But a lot of people were just like, that's not what adults do. You should act like an adult when you're on a date. And I was like, who are you? What do you mean?'s not what adults do you should act like an adult when you're on a date and i was like who are you what do you mean that's what adults do i was having a nice conversation with a lady notice how she didn't say like i wanted to date with a guy total fucking creepy asked about my asshole several times or something like weird you know it wasn't like i

Starting point is 00:15:00 did anything disrespectful i just drank soda of all the like when you're a woman and you go on a date with a stranger What's the thing you're most worried about getting murdered? I drank traffic diet cokes. I'm sorry She's looking over a turn you're like I brought my own can oh My god, would you like? We're at a nice restaurant. I brought my own cans. It's a can. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:15:29 Would you like one? Would you like a Diet Coke? I will say when I was young, I was so white trash that sometimes I would go to places and I would bring my own double gulp of soda. That's not great. I know what was wrong to do that. That was not good. Well, I don't know how to transition this first. Do we go in this in this you brought up superpowers and i don't think you know we do this oh man you get to pick a superpower but we get to tell you if it's been used and you have to change it firstly i would

Starting point is 00:15:57 like to say that this is this relates to something i've been i am banned from doing local news to promote my comedy shows because of this question. And now I will answer the question. And I guarantee you, you have never heard this before. My superpower would be that I can sunshine myself and then wake up the next day like nothing happened. We have that already. No, wait, wait, wait. Brandon's is he can't love himself. He won't,

Starting point is 00:16:26 but he can. No, he can. He just self-generates every time. Yeah. He just, yeah. No. Had that.

Starting point is 00:16:32 I like you were like, I got him. It's like, no, one of the- Damn, you already have a guy who wants to kill himself. The person we just had brunch with. If he tries to kill himself,

Starting point is 00:16:40 I'll kill myself so much faster than he will. Oh, fuck. How did he use the power, though? Sunshine yourself. How did he use the power? Oh, depression. Okay, so mine's not depression.

Starting point is 00:16:52 I use mine as a weapon against other people, okay? Let's say you're at the movie theater, and there is someone talking. And you're like, hey, be quiet, please. I'm a little confrontational. I don't like when people talk in movie theaters. I'll give them the one, like, hey, hey, shh. Shut the fuck up. Then they keep talking. They ignore me. And ignore me and i go all right well you just fucking ruined your own day and then i you know i walk down i get to the end of the row you know when i go into their row and then you ask the first person you want the ball to the ass

Starting point is 00:17:17 and they always say ass no one wants the ball so you turn the ass towards him and then you scoot through right and i get to the guy who won't stop talking, and I'm like, I just want you to know this is your fault. You did this. And then I pull out a gun, and I fucking blow my head off right in front of him. Guess who doesn't talk in movie theaters anymore? That fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trauma.

Starting point is 00:17:37 That's your superpower. And then I wake up the next day. And then also, you know, it comes in useful at times. Let's say your girlfriend invites you to a bad wedding. You just pop into the bathroom, and you're like, you know what? comes in useful at times. Let's say your girlfriend invites you to a bad wedding. You just pop into the bathroom and you're like, you know what? I'm looking out of here. I'll wake up tomorrow. It'll be okay.

Starting point is 00:17:51 Bright and green. We're going to love that wedding. Oh, yeah. You remember our wedding? Yeah, he killed himself in the bathroom. My idea then, the negative. So we get to pick your negative offset to the superpower. I would have it where he can't remember that what led up to him.

Starting point is 00:18:08 So he's just a dickhead. Like you run into that guy. He's like, fuck you. And you're like, what did I do, bro? The wedding party. You just fucking friends. Don't call you anymore. Hey, go, go, Shane.

Starting point is 00:18:20 He'll, uh, he'll call himself. And then that's it. Everyone's just like, what did I do? Why did I do this? You never know the why of how you activate your superpower because we have like, Cody's is my favorite probably. He has the power to fly. He has to yell racial

Starting point is 00:18:38 slurs in order to fly. That's tough. Not doing a lot of work in the inner city. When the Section 8 housing catches on fire, they don't. There's another hero to save. We're going to have to find someone else. I'm going to get a ladder. I'll be right back.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Can you fly? No. I love that. Cody's walking with a ladder. You can fly, Cody. Use your power. It's not working today. Well, I mean, I'll use my power.

Starting point is 00:19:05 Is anyone Jewish around here right now? I'm gonna fly, but... I want you to know that I'm cool with everybody. I'm sorry. This doesn't promote who I am as a character. The flying fucking bleep. Do you get to choose the slur do you can you think of this? Do you have to say the ones here are they random? No, you have to yell them to shout them you have to shout them

Starting point is 00:19:32 Here's what you do you got to learn about you got to like go Am I demonetizing already you got to say gypsy is you got to find some slurs that don't count in America Yeah, yeah like some Whatever It don't count in America the pike yeah, yeah like some Whatever yeah, that means slut I think in Hungarian. That's not fun enough It's like a Jewish slur for non-jewish women You can do shishka, that one's shishka. They have different versions. It's like a Jewish slur for non-Jewish women. Oh, damn, it's so many countries. I'm sorry, everybody. All your Israeli listeners are like,

Starting point is 00:20:13 oh, that was rough. Face that's you guy went hard on non-Jewish women. On the Gentile ladies. I imagine his superpower, like you're laying in bed and you can't go to sleep one night so you're just like dude but then you wake up on top of your corpse and you're like why did I do that and that's the other one his body

Starting point is 00:20:31 stays it's a new body like on top of it it's like all stinky and stuff now he's walking his corpse here's the thing you get a bad liver you're like well I guess you kill yourself and you regenerate, but even if you didn't, you're like, well I kept one of the corpses from 2009.

Starting point is 00:20:50 So you gotta freeze yourself. Yeah! Do the cops come up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna remember something small, and they're like, man had bodies all over his house. That's me! It's cool, everybody! No, watch this. I don't remember What's going on the cops are still there I'm so confused. Bro, that is one of my favorite movies. It's so good. I didn't expect it to go the way it did. Right?

Starting point is 00:21:26 That one had a turn. Just fucking drink it, Eli. I can't see it. It's not green. Okay, I can live with watermelon lime smash. It's all water. It's just shit spicy water. Shitty spicy water, yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:36 That's all it is. Diarrhea. I mean, diarrhea. Straight poo-poo doo-doo. Slide this in here. It's always a team effort. It's more fun. It's more fun with friends, guys.

Starting point is 00:21:44 Aw, dude, you gotta use two hands. Oh, yeah shit. We'd even announce these over on bunker branding now you can get unsubscribe hard seltzer koozies definitely Force Force get you fold it like your pee Is from a from an an eater I like slide it on like a condom Have you ever had have you ever had a girl put a condom on there? She's like I'll do it for you But then just opens it the whole way to the bottom You're like no no! Do that little snap! I don't know I haven't seen one of those in like 10 years Hell yeah dude

Starting point is 00:22:34 My grandpa He turns up Please don't listen I know this guy is He was telling me earlier he was like I've hit it raw For 10 years No regrets nothing's ever happened. He says I've never been to a doctor Antibiotics from a Chinese website. I'm probably fine rhino horn. No dick, right?

Starting point is 00:23:05 No go Rhino horn No dick rot The dick rot no go So Chew everything With this Take one Peel Cock not green Yeah Rhino horn

Starting point is 00:23:16 Very good Get rid of STD Also hard as rock You know You know You're so good at it I'm part Asian You know that's like my genetics

Starting point is 00:23:27 like asian mexican irish nice autism uh so my grandpa he turns 100 years old in october what he's a bad motherfucker he he fought he died 30 years my grandpa literally says the reaper scared to take it he's fucking insane he doesn't know how to swim and he did two beach landings in the pacific theater of world war ii that's right yeah yeah i asked i was like weren't you he lied to be able to do it you have to swim to come with the first way and he was like i was like aren't you afraid of drowning in the ocean and he said no the ocean is afraid of me The only person who could say that shit and it'd be like oh is an old man. Yeah, yeah, he's fun crazy He's from Switzerland. He fucking rules

Starting point is 00:24:15 So he was watching TV with me. We're watching Jeopardy chillin doing our regular thing and this was like a couple months ago and then a Commercial came on for trojan condoms and he was like huh i wonder what those feel like this man is a hundred years old and he's been hitting it raw the whole time you've never used protection you have so many uncles and aunts out there i was like you've been just running through people your whole life. You don't even know? Do you want to put one on just to see what it's like? That's fucking crazy, bro.

Starting point is 00:24:51 Imagine having a gold... His penis is perfect. It's never... Ours are being crushed by these oppressive devices. They make it keep us down, you know? You're telling what chemicals are in them, right? Yeah, man. We've got something horrible is happening to our bodies from wearing these. And my grandpa, that's why he's lived so long.

Starting point is 00:25:09 Every time you put on a condom, you shave a month off of your life. I'll be dead in weeks. Well, that's the Diet Coke. Yeah, yeah, probably. Anyway, I was like, dude, that rules. Never use a condom ever. I jacked off with a condom when I was like 14 to see never use the condom ever I Jacked off with a condom like when I was like 14 to see what it would be like and even that

Starting point is 00:25:38 Someone who said they jack off with a condom all the time because it's easier to clean up That seems way messier that Be stink oh yeah, and expensive seem expensive. man This is 75 Cents to Fucking J. Oh yeah Just get out Worth it in the Fucking Shower and Make some Freshwater Jellyfish There you go How Messy are you getting with the fucking on the Carpet Rubbing in with your foot like you? adult yeah My dog always Comes by and licks that squad for hours. Jeeves, my dog, is like, mmm, you know.

Starting point is 00:26:11 He gets up for me. Don't ask him about what he's up to at home. That's when the spouse moves in. It's like, what are you doing? I just J-O in the carpet real quick, rub it in. Dog will get it up later. You're just like, huh? Rewind that, please. One more time.

Starting point is 00:26:31 A sidecar and the cats jump on the bed and just go to town. Yeah, man. Do you know what a sidecar is? No. Oh, man. We had old Matt Best on the podcast. He was telling us about when he stays in hotels, he does a thing called the sidecar. If there's two beds in the room, he gets on one bed or just a king size yeah our king size just goes to the other end

Starting point is 00:26:49 and he just does it over leans over inside just does it onto the bed and gets in the other bed oh there's a name for that that's crazy i do that all the time he told us there's a name for it yeah you call it life yeah dude i just call that i just call that work smarter, not harder. But sometimes you start and you're like, I'm not going to get up to get a towel. That's fucking crazy. I paid for this room. I'm just going to bust over here and then just

Starting point is 00:27:16 roll over, you know. You just combat roll three or four times over and then you fucking fall asleep. It's good. Dude, this is the most accommodating podcast. I feel like we could do the whole hour. It's episode 69.

Starting point is 00:27:32 It really is. Because we talked about having a porn star on, but we don't know many of those. They ignored us. I have a video of me having sex. You guys can watch. Put it up. Give me the next 20 minutes. You guys can watch We react to Shane Smith having sex that would be so funny interesting I didn't know you liked boys

Starting point is 00:28:12 Sometimes sometimes sometimes oh man riley reed had her baby so congratulations to riley huge ups to riley yeah one of the goats it's true isn't riley uh famous for she's obviously she's super hot and she's one of the longest porn creators of all time like consistent But one of the things that's crazy about her is she never does cream pies except apparently now It's like the top comment when she was like hey, I'm pregnant was it must be a group project Very funny you porn stars cuz we and you get the og'siley reed is i don't know if it's your error i don't know because i'm like you know heather i deepthrow.com yeah of course the baddie didn't i had no idea he's that younger generation do you know sasha gray oh my god sir that woman i'm just making sure sasha if you're watching unsubscribe podcast she's a huge fucking contact me okay i'll do anything i don't even wanna i'll just just let me smell you i'm just kidding about that part i'm not but i just i'll pretend i said

Starting point is 00:29:15 something handsome and cool instead of that god you're so hot it's crazy how hot you are i was watching her on twitch yesterday or something was she was doing some IRL stuff She's like in Italy or she's in some some European country right now. Just do an IRL streams. Damn it She does Elden rings and that yeah, she plays our play Resident Evil the remake of Resident Evil 2 or whatever harder to get off to But yeah, listen, I'll get it. I'll get the job done This sucks That's what you watched Her playing Resident Evil 2 I mean this sucks This is good

Starting point is 00:29:49 This is how I remember it I'll rewind to that part All the free porn I'm like nah Twitch It's not soft you just like when a woman gets scared That's the thing for me That's the thing for me. Right before you punch him in the liver.

Starting point is 00:30:09 That's like of all the fucking like thirsty motherfuckers that go to Twitch to just hit on women and shit. I'm like, why don't you just watch porn like a normal? What is the? Everyone complains about titty streamers, but I think titty streamers have actually saved the rest of the community

Starting point is 00:30:24 because horny weirdos who normally would be on a normal they are making so much money the a normal girl who's like just trying to stream the normal guys that come on there and they're like show me your feet i'm fucking i'll do anything those guys exist but most of them are watching amaranth it's true so she's she's kind of like the shield in front of everyone else Amaranth in a bikini Two white knights holding spears Hitting her in the ribs with her Oh man that's real dark

Starting point is 00:31:14 That's gonna be some fantastic photoshop Going on online Shout out to the subreddit by the way You guys are just continuing to fucking murder Some of you suck, though. You getting a little heat? No, not at all. I'm just like, some of you guys shouldn't be artists.

Starting point is 00:31:31 I'm just bad at Photoshop. You're just really bad at Photoshop. You know who you are. Some people really, I had some people send me fan art sometimes, and the hottest girl, one of the hottest girls I've ever seen in my life was like, I drew you, and I was like, holy shit. This is amazing. Like, I was like I drew you and I was like holy shit not this is amazing like I'm so flattered you're so beautiful like this is great it was like the worst drawing I've ever seen in my life it was so bad that I was like you you're fucking ugly

Starting point is 00:31:56 literally she was so and I was like this is a good drawing you're dumb it was too much it was so bad that I was like, thank you. No, it was just like me. I looked like I had been burned in the worst possible way. And then the guys who tried to fix me up just guessed what a person looks like. And then they added an extra chromosome. Yeah, dude. It was terrible.

Starting point is 00:32:24 It looked wild. I have so much teeth I have so many teeth! It was crazy I love it's like a full doggy's Like an adult girl or woman's drawing you And there's just like two thousand teeth No, I'm not kidding dude It was so bad

Starting point is 00:32:43 She's like how many teeth do we have? One, two, three, four, eighteen, thirty-two! Just counting, going like, and done! Now the bottom! You're like, bitch, stop! It was a thing where she's like, so hot that I just think people don't tell her she's bad at things. It's like, we were talking about this, like when a girl comes over and she's like, I'm good at Smash Brothers, and you're like, no you fucking aren't. And I'm about to fucking show you

Starting point is 00:33:06 Do you I love the idea of a girl being like I'm really good with Kirby and then you're just like a wave Passer and just fucking spiking her down and they oh normally I beat my brothers. Well. I'm not your fucking brother bitch I was back when among us first launched I did no easy W's in this house. Bro. I was playing, back when Among Us first launched, I was playing with like a bunch of big streamers and shit. We're all playing Among Us. And I met a bunch of new people that way. And one night I was like, man, nobody was playing. I was like, fuck, I wanted to play tonight.

Starting point is 00:33:36 And this other chick that I played with was looking for people to play with. I'm like, oh shit. Yeah, we're doing another streamer game. Cool. I'll hop in with them. Turns out she's a girl and does like all the of stuff and everybody playing with her was like it was like her simp night or what the fuck ever oh okay yeah nobody didn't tell me tell me this dude every night i'll join i thought

Starting point is 00:33:57 we're actually playing among us and as we're playing i'm getting like i'm hearing everybody talking i'm like this is fucking weird dude they're all being like weird and like they were helping her and everybody was cheating so she could win and i'm like no i fucking weird dude. They're all being like weird and like they were helping her and everyone was cheating So she could win and I'm like no I'm not About him they're all just like what what is happening and then I stepped back from it for a minute and I looked at her Streaming everything I was happy. I looked in the discord group. I'm like oh Oh, I'm not supposed to be here yeah yeah i didn't pay for this tier i gotta go that's so funny two games and just left oh that was so fucking cringy it's like an orgy breaking out

Starting point is 00:34:33 at a barbecue but one guy's like does anyone want fuck? Full-on dad shorts on, just being like, well done. He's on the fucking socks pulled up. I love your stroke, my man. Well done or not. At the barbecue doing it. Spraying them with hose to get their attention. Hey, who wants wings? Chicken's almost ready.

Starting point is 00:35:00 Cheese? Want cheese on your butt? Hey! Cheese! Dude, you know when they like throw the burger to someone? You just throw the burger, fully naked guy fucking just gets hit with the burger and what the fuck? Yeah, can't you just grab ten bites and-

Starting point is 00:35:16 Take the one bite? Yeah, gives a toss. Tosses it back not cooked enough. Oh, dude. That was the fucking worst shit ever? Yeah, there's every you don't hold back women or children seem nice fucking destroy them in video Children you fucking destroy them end of sentence I'm the same way dude no mercy i'm gonna hate that i hate when like someone's just like yeah i can do that you're like no no you can't and i'm gonna show you dude didn't matt

Starting point is 00:35:54 best do that to like uh john when we're at his house it's like a fight y'all all did because i don't i'll let my son win at anything okay Okay. We went over to Matt's house and Eli and Matt were playing Mortal Kombat 11. Yeah. 11. Yeah. And John's like, I'm going to be good at this. And you guys were just like, you're range shotting him the whole time. I was throwing a machete.

Starting point is 00:36:21 I was like, you not get close to me, John. You'll never get close to me. A hundred percent. Not fucking touch me. I was like you not get close to me john you'll never get close to me 100 not fucking touch me i was like john watch i'm gonna use uppercuts and beat the fuck out of you this entire round just like you're not gonna you're not gonna i'm a fucking grown-ass man i will destroy you with anything i do right now that's so funny dude i went to like a street fighter tournament like for comedians and it's basically just like a party no one takes it seriously but I like trained for it

Starting point is 00:36:51 I literally like showed up with my like Ryu fucking headband on I'm just like Just doing like 15 hit combos into supers and stuff people are like what the fuck is wrong with you I was like I don't know, man. I'm just fucking trying to do it. I also got in trouble for going too hard at the community softball game. It's slow pitch and I'm just fucking crushing out line drives. Dude, listen, we're here.

Starting point is 00:37:21 I like to have a good time. If I'm going to do something, you got to go the whole way. Well, Sav's kiddo. That's what I had him crying cuz we're playing What is it beast? Were you like beasts game beasts like I shot seven him having a good time. He's like play me loves like What's the fucking round count bro? He's like a I was like okay? Round eight I am eight no he's like he count bro? He's like hey, I was like, okay Round eight. I am eight. No, he's like he's crying Like never gonna happen in this household Until you're helping future generations

Starting point is 00:38:08 It's true these kids will know Yeah you fucking destroy them You gotta set them up for League of Legends If they wanna succeed growing life We grew up in the age of the internet when bullying Was like there It wasn't just accepted it was encouraged It was the noise

Starting point is 00:38:23 If you didn't it was bully or be bullied. Oh, yeah. If you had a mic, oh, you let the other players know how many times you fucked their mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, even just in forums, in the nerdiest places. I used to do, like, these role-playing forums where you would play, like, role-playing games, but, you know, just, like, back. You just type it out.

Starting point is 00:38:39 Just typing out. There's no dice or anything. You're literally just making up stories. But people still would go crazy in those places and just be like you fucking bitch your vampire character can't kiss this other character i found your address i'm gonna kill you and like say the craziest shit and you're like we're bro we're 14 what are you doing back in the day when you make internet threats yeah i forgot about oh i forgot about the old internet threat days Did you guys remember that where they would like be like I called the police on you They're out there watching you now look out your window, but now you die

Starting point is 00:39:19 Dude that's so funny me my brother fist fought someone over Call of Duty once. I'm not you. So Call of Duty came out. We were playing in a lobby. And of course, we got mad at each other. And my brother's like, where the fuck do you live? You know, which is like a normal thing to say back then. And then they were like Salt Lake City or like whatever. And then I was like, we were in fucking Salt Lake City. And so we were just like fucking come out to the fucking mall or whatever.

Starting point is 00:39:45 And they actually showed up. And then we ended up fighting these guys props to them yeah yeah and it was like a nor it wasn't even like a a shitty fight it was like a regular guy fight like we just started scrapping and then in like halfway through all of us were like are you good and like yeah i guess this was three years ago and then we just fucking left three years ago. And then we just fucking left. Three years ago, right? Like as a grown man. As a grown man. Beating the shit out of kids. During the pandemic. You had masks on.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Still like beating the shit out of each other. My brother holding a guy. I'm just punching him. It's even funnier because my brother's like a six foot four, like 240 pounds strong man. He can squat like 240 pounds strong man He can squat like 600 pounds. So he's just holding a child in the sky These kids are 12 their parents dropped them off at the mall. You're just baiting the fuck out of them. They're like, we're gonna go see some friends! Just, we're still pussies! Chokeslamming a kid through an Abercrombie & Fitch mannequin.

Starting point is 00:40:56 If you've never wanted to fight in a clothing store, you ain't lived. Yeah, true. Just wanna fucking throw somebody into a rack of some shit. I don't care what it is It's gonna see it fall dude the way American Eagle smells makes me want this fight Just pisses you off I get it. Yeah. Why does it smell like that music to Jesus? Oh, yeah, just Lenny Kravitz You guys by American Eagle. That's our next sponsor. American Eagle.

Starting point is 00:41:26 They have really nice blue jeans today. What's happening? You want me to talk about this? Yeah, do your ginger thing. My ginger thing. That's our word. So, hi, everybody. Go to outofregs.com.

Starting point is 00:41:42 Buy beard cream, beard oil, shampoo, soap, pomade, pomade, pomade. What kind of holds of pomade you got there? We got thick, strong,

Starting point is 00:41:55 medium, strong, medium, and light. All right, guys. Yeah, for real.

Starting point is 00:42:00 We have the fatty operator, beard cream, the donut operator, a beard and mustache cream. Why isn't mine bearded mustache Com with a Z. Use code UNSUB. UNSUB or come 20.

Starting point is 00:42:29 Or come 20. That's a real code. You sure you don't want that one right there? Why you got to... What if I open it and there's like a used condom inside or something crazy? You're like, we quality check these normally. Come chucks. All right.

Starting point is 00:42:43 This one smells way better. We go light on the creams because light on the cream this one actually does smell the best wow i'm sorry man dude here we go wait oh it's a little hard right there well i was bad out here for a while these are just for the podcast here we'll do the live test but if it's good enough for the hair it's good enough for a mustache look at that i think it's live test but if it's good enough for the hair it's good enough for a mustache look at that i think it's reversed i think if it's good enough for the mustache it's good enough for the hair listen i'm turned up on diet coke right now you're a diet coke number one

Starting point is 00:43:18 right now this is pretty fun we'll give you some of that stuff awesome whatever you need bro we got you yeah for your mustache well why don't you need, bro. We got you. Yeah, for your mustache. Well, why don't you have pubic hair care? That's a market that not a lot of people are in. So many of my viewers are like, well, I don't have a beard because, you know, I'm in the military. I'm like, just rub it on your pubes, bro. Totally safe. It's fine.

Starting point is 00:43:36 I don't know if it is. But, like, I've told so many people to rub it on them. So, I think I know by now. If you're in the military, your urethra probably burns and you don't know why. So, you're pretty safe to tell them to put anything you want in there. It's going to help no matter what. It's cooking some shit off. We do a limited release pube cream.

Starting point is 00:43:53 There's no shot they'll let us do that. You can do powder though. You can do ball powder. They can't say no. That's a good one because if you've got a lot of listeners who are out there in the fucking field and shit. It's true. Your balls are getting gross. the fucking field and shit. It's true. Your balls are getting gross.

Starting point is 00:44:06 A nice smelling ball powder. Yeah, yeah. Throw some ball powder on there. And listen, Gold Bond is discontinuing talcum powder. Wait, really? Because of cancer. Yeah, it gave a bunch of ladies cancer. But not men?

Starting point is 00:44:17 I don't know. Well, because ladies use it more than guys, maybe? I don't know. Probably men also, but men are just like, I'll just die not telling anyone. You know what's the good stuff? Oh, no. I was going to say, dude, we men are just like I'll just die not telling Men just oh no I was gonna say dude we could talk to out of regs do it tea tree oil powder Cuz that's a natural antifungal I gotta wear I don't even wear regular underwear. I have to wear wear compression shorts I'm just loaded with jock itch so you guys got to make this product someone has to make it my balls are in

Starting point is 00:44:54 dire peril you know a ballage anti-fungal with deodorant I don't know about you well teacher smells awesome already yeah we can get in smells awesome already Then if someone gets down there it's like a little treat Like oh my god My tongue's numb This is great Let's make it for the podcast Unsub ball powder Oh

Starting point is 00:45:15 Unsub ball powder that's it A minty surprise Unsubscribe from the audience Dude it smells like tea tree but it's a minty surprise and it's antifungal. Yeah, dude. And deodorant for your dick. I don't know about you. Might've.

Starting point is 00:45:31 Does your dick stink? You got a stinky dick? You got a fucking after a day of working out? You don't have bald cheese? I don't know what to do. You don't have bald cheese? Everyone has dick cheese. That's what happens.

Starting point is 00:45:43 Unless I'm the weird one. Your dick smells bad. Everyone's dick cheese. That's what happens. No, I'm the weird one your dick smells very Everyone's dick smells with ball smell Good to go I'm the one that doesn't wear deodorant most of the times. I don't stink. Maybe you should start wearing deodorant. I don't know. Good to go. Asian genetic. Asian genetic. I mean, it's actually, you can smell them, but it's not bad.

Starting point is 00:46:15 Asian genetic. I'll be real. You must. I feel safe. I feel kind of like a man was there, you know?'s always like it's so weird you just never stink i was like damn skippy don't smell there if i've been working out he's got a stanky dick after a day of working out fucking work it's all focused below now i want now i want to smell your dicks! Come here, come on guys! Give me a scoop! Everyone take your dicks out!

Starting point is 00:46:48 Everyone just do a scoop! Bring it up here! Dude, I smell great, honestly. I fucking smell good, dude. I would boil myself if I could. Do a scoop! Do a scoop! It's like pre-workout

Starting point is 00:47:04 without water, you know? You just got to fucking go. Dude, there's our commercial. Do you think you need unsub ball powder? Do a scoop. Oh, man, I need some unsub ball powder right now. I just do the scoop, you bring it up here, and it hard cuts you up. I mean, we literally just say you unsubscribe from the stench.

Starting point is 00:47:24 Incredible. Batty. You have a huge brain on from the stench. Incredible. Batty. You have a huge brain on Batty right now. Let's calm down. Big brain Batty moves. You're on the clock twice a day, man. That's all I'm going to say. Big brain Batty moves.

Starting point is 00:47:35 Oh, Batty, we already announced the fucking... Patreon? Yeah, I mean, I think we've talked about it. We've put it in the comments. We've talked about it. The Patreon's a thing. It's live. You can find it in the description below. There's gonna be things there eventually

Starting point is 00:47:48 The stuff that's going on it's going up. It to fly away. Cody's like, I have to go. I'm leaving now, Mark. Cody can't play anymore. Actually, unrelated to this podcast, I got to leave and not come back. Just like for other stuff I forgot about. On this episode in Patreon, Cody's dressed as a ghost. He's a as a ghost. What? I didn't. He's a flying ghost. That's your superhero costume?

Starting point is 00:48:34 That's your superhero name? No, the hood is pointed because it's aerodynamic. I fly faster because of the hood. Oh my god. We have like the fam- family Halloween houses During Halloween I'm floating around in it like Ooooooooh! Ooooooooh! Ooooooooh!

Starting point is 00:48:57 Don't. It's a dunce cap. If you wear the costume, do you still need to yell the racial slurs? I mean, is that a loophole oh I think so I would either way Cody showing up in the resident those those bad air income neighbors you go to the big houses for trick-or-treating we all know that you get the full-size candy bars. Come on. There are very few things that you can be certain of in life.

Starting point is 00:49:30 But you can always be sure the sun will rise each morning. You can bet your bottom dollar that you'll always need air to breathe and water to drink. And, of course, you can rest assured that with Public Mobile's 5G subscription phone plans, you'll pay the same thing every month. With all of the mysteries that life has to offer, a few certainties can really go a long way. Subscribe today for the peace of mind you've been searching for.

Starting point is 00:49:53 Public Mobile. Different is calling. I'm on Trick or Treat with Kendall, and he's like, is Uncle Cody going to be there? And you're like, yes, he's a friend. Just come on. We got to go.

Starting point is 00:50:10 Come on! Woo! Shit! Yes, he's a friend Just come on we gotta go Those leaves blowing Okay, so you are i the level of nerd well i don't even know what to start okay actually i know cody will get a better reaction from this and we discussed it yesterday cody was like why doesn't he drink i was like homeboy listen to and i didn't tell him it's like you listen to a single song and we're like fuck yeah yeah basically i i grew up around like substance abuse and stuff like my family's like incredibly trash i'm a give it away yeah thank you thank you and so i was like for me being punk was like the opposite of that right so i was like i so i then i like discovered like you know earth crisis and i was

Starting point is 00:51:04 like oh i'll just never drink for the rest of my life. And because these guys are tough as fuck and they and they say they fight whoever drinks. And I was like, oh, that's fucking awesome. So as a kid, I was like, oh, I'll just be straight edge. And it's just been once you start being sober, it's like, well, why stop? I'm saving all this money. Life is a nightmare anyway. What age did you go straight edge?

Starting point is 00:51:24 14. That's what I love the most is a nightmare anyway. What age did you go straight edge? 14. That's what I love the most is you just, yeah, I'm tired of getting drunk. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I did, I did have to stop drinking and smoking as a child. I literally was addicted to cigarettes as a child. Me and my friends, we knocked over like a gas station in the middle of nowhere and when we went there was like a pallet full of cigarettes so we stole all the cigarettes so we had infinite cigarettes as 12 year olds so i literally smoked like a pack a day for two years as a child bro and then my parents my parents smoked. So they didn't fucking know. Like they didn't care.

Starting point is 00:52:07 You know what I mean? If they knew they didn't care. Yeah. Yeah. Just give them a pack and they're going to shut the fuck up. Exactly. So it's just like, we just, and we got away with it. Cause no one suspects the 12 year olds driving a truck to rob a convenience store and to

Starting point is 00:52:22 taking cigarette. Like who does that? They're're like weird they took all the cigarettes the soda and the candy the weirdest fucking crackheads i've ever heard of in my life we didn't try to take the safe for the money nothing we just took like that random shit and then left what's all the monster in the smoke yeah they're like weird oh okay some e4s robbed the store military guys baby yeah yeah just me and my shitty punk rock friends and then uh yeah i became straight edge and then over time you know i got exposed to more straight edge music and then i got into hardcore and then it's such a good time i was like yeah i'll just stick with this whatever fuck it but then you you were still criminal yeah yeah yeah as a straight edge yeah well yeah i mean lots of

Starting point is 00:53:12 straight edge guys end up getting recruited by like motorcycle clubs and all kinds of other shit like that straight edge a specific term so you don't do drugs or anything yeah yeah yeah so straight edge is like it's a subculture of hardcore which is like you know a violent type of music that's like uh really like um angry and and whatever and uh and so you know this it's kind of like soccer hooligan culture almost okay we're like fighting and uh and all that stuff it's like a, a major part of the culture. And then of course, like, you know, motorcycle clubs love those guys and stuff. But my stepfather was a professional criminal. He went to prison for murder.

Starting point is 00:53:52 A couple, he beat someone to death with his hands and whatever. And I'm from a very small town. So he like beat a guy to death. And then the judge was like, oh, well that's Scott. I mean, who cares that do a year in jail and come out. So like, you know, is whatever. So it was, I was just involved in that do a year in jail and come out so like you know is whatever so is i was just involved in that as a kid uh and then um until i was like 25 and i was like i should turn my life around and i did and i got a bunch of my tattoos covered and my throat is like a cover-up and shit

Starting point is 00:54:20 and then i was like you know i bad, but now I'm good. So the best part is, and I didn't tell you this yesterday, is one of our friends is like, oh, that's the fucking guy that was in a gang. I was like, no, Shane wouldn't have done that. He's like, he's a super nerd into magic and sim racing. He would have never been in a gang. That's so funny. And then yesterday at Sauce when you're like, yeah, so how you hit a red like if you're stealing something most of the time the other person's in on it and this is how you do it that's so funny oh i was way off on shame i'm not good at reading people so many people yeah you gotta work on that

Starting point is 00:54:58 so many people give me shit like i've talked about doing crime in my uh in my stand-up and the people will like get offended on like it first they'll just be like you're not tough you you you're not a real criminal because i guess because i don't look like a guy on tv you want one hilarious to be like anyone who who has seen real crime they're like lots of different types it's diverse it's a job it's incredibly diverse like any number of types of people do it it's so funny to be like you don't look like the guy from tv so you don't do crime but a lot of people are like oh you're nerdy there's no way but when i was like doing the worst stuff when me and my friends were literally like robbing drug dealers and collecting money

Starting point is 00:55:41 from johns and doing like wild ass shit we were playing world of warcraft at night and fucking doing modern warfare 2 and like playing dungeons and dragons and shit like it's after a crime yeah yeah crime please the idea that people who do crime aren't human beings is so funny well i mean like what do you think watch watch look at the that camera right this one yeah okay this upstanding i'll hold that right here crime now you look like a criminal like see there is a fucking line on that. What's that, guys? Glasses make you not a criminal.

Starting point is 00:56:27 That's so real. It's so funny. It's like criminals go home and, like, don't. They just lay in bed and think about crime and don't have any hobbies or anything. That is real tough. They don't kiss their girls. They don't, like, have feelings. Can't wait to crime tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:56:38 It's a shame getting home. How was your day, babe? Crime. Oh, my God. Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just ready for some MTG right now. So.

Starting point is 00:56:49 Decompressed from robbing people. So, so funny, dude. But yeah. So I did, I was an idiot. Cody loves this because he's a former Leo. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm an Aquarius. I'm a Sagittarius.

Starting point is 00:57:15 I'm an Aquarius. I'm a Sagittarius Since the guy was getting smelled by another guy earlier Real homies scoop each other so they know. I'm going on a date. Can you grab a scoop and tell me if I'm good? Wait, I didn't get any under my fingernails. One more pass. We call it homisexual. Yeah, that makes sense.

Starting point is 00:57:39 Yeah, that's right. Can we make a shirt of that? Wood bunker print shirt. Maybe. They did come. If we don't shirt of that? Wood bunker print shirt. Maybe. If we don't tell Matt. They did come in giant fucking doom letters. I think that was our one though. You know what I mean? We used our pass.

Starting point is 00:57:53 Maybe 2023 we can get another. We can get a homosexual. I already know the picture I want for it. Don't even put a picture on it. Think of memes and think of homosexual. I want to see if either of you get this. And would know the picture. Think of memes and think of homosexual. I want to see if either of you get this. And you're including this. It's a famous internet meme.

Starting point is 00:58:12 The guy's holding and their dicks are doing the same fucking thing. You can't put that on a shirt, though. You can't put that on a shirt. No, but it would work really good with it. No, but it doesn't matter. That would work, but we can't put that on a shirt. No, but it would work really good with it. No, but it doesn't matter! That would work. But we can't do that ever. We blur like the lower portion.

Starting point is 00:58:30 Batty, I... Eli, you're an idiot. No, it's a good shirt idea. We just won't print it. I know this. One of these two guys just hold... They're wearing pants, but they're just holding each other's dicks. Yeah, with pants on.

Starting point is 00:58:40 They're wearing an over-the-pants Scoop Mormon style. And high-fiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to be mad, but literally one of the alerts on my stream is two dudes grabbing each other's cocks and saying, I'm never going to let go. So, like, I get it. There you go. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:53 Dude, Matt Carriker's going to love this design. He loves all art designs. Huge fan. Do you think at this point, because we submit stuff to Bunker, do you think they're just like, just send it to Matt? Just send it. Don't even look at it. Just send it to Matt.

Starting point is 00:59:04 I have a strategy for you guys. Okay. In in comedy when you write something and you're gonna put it in a movie or tv show you what you do is you write the real joke and then you write a way way way worse joke and then you give them both and you go can i please do the worst one and they will always say no and then you get to do the joke you actually wanted to do that they would have said no to anyway. It's a comedy negotiating thing. So what you do is you send two shirts, one that is two guys just hard fucking, right? And then the other one, two dicks holding hands,

Starting point is 00:59:38 and he goes, well, when I look at both of these at the same time, that one seems way better. And then he just gives you the shirt you want. I mean, that's how South Park gets away with it. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. These the same time that one seems way better, and then he just gives you the shirt you want South Park gets away with it exactly yeah, yeah, so Matt demo Matt we have I come to demolish With come really big or come Alicia Get the other Not choosing the first Just do two homosexual shirts once homie sexual with the two dudes dicks touching

Starting point is 01:00:04 We just sent him with a homosexual shirt. And he's gonna pick that one without the dicks touching! Easy. Or he f-fucking fucks us. He's like, yeah, we'll go with that one. Uh-huh. You're not part of our brand. No, he's like, he chooses the hard one, we're like...

Starting point is 01:00:17 He just pushes it all over the wall. Calls our... Yeah, we're like, uh, oh no. Wear the shirt. Shane lied to us. Shane's not... Shane's not... Oh, yeah, okay. Wear the shirt. Shane lied to us. Shane's not. Wear it.

Starting point is 01:00:31 No, wear it. Put it on before you leave. Oh, you're going to pick up your kid at school? Put it on. I'll go with you. Send me a selfie of you in it. We were talking to Demo Matt about all of our shirts and shit. was at race thing was at Cleats and cars or something and people kept coming up to him and they were wearing this our giant It just says come subscribe and like do

Starting point is 01:00:57 Nobody's gonna buy this shirt. It's our best-selling shirt. Oh, yeah Cody was like are people gonna buy a cum shirt just says come on and it turned into our number one Just like are people gonna buy sure it says come on your entire chair when you when you show the shirt to people Did you play BFG 9000? Fucking the body war Italian restaurant We didn't go to my point. I got walking through I'm like oh Yeah, Cody was like ladies were in the come shows away. Just come in with the inside out still My bad everybody that one's on me. I fucked up

Starting point is 01:01:43 We're in a nice Italian restaurant. I'm just like, and he sits down next to us. God, we're fucking idiots. We're literal children. Oh, dude. Once I met a girl's parents on accident and I used to have this. Now,

Starting point is 01:01:59 this is not something I believe in, but it is a story begins. I like we didn't slap a warning label before the story. This is not something I believe in, but it is. I like we didn't slap a warning label before the story, but it's a straight edge meme. Okay. And they, every band,

Starting point is 01:02:15 a lot of bands make a shirt that says this anyway, it's an AK 47 and on the shirt, it says, kill your local drug dealer. This is a very common shirt. Wonderful. I mean, listen,

Starting point is 01:02:24 it's fine. I guess it depends on what you define the drug as. This is the crowd that that's okay with. Oh, okay. Well, as long as you don't think like acid and weed are drugs, then. I don't think I want to kill those people, but anyway. We don't have to get into it. Or ecstasy or coke or whatever. Yeah, yeah, listen.

Starting point is 01:02:39 Black tar heroin. But I actually wore that, and then I met a girl's parents and she i'm from utah so she was mormon and they were just like what what now you gotta go you gotta yeah like i don't know i don't know it's a hard sell on the face tattoos in the first place and then you got a shirt that's advocate advocating for you know some wild shit and she was just like well you really botched that one and i was like so we don't date anymore Obviously not you're out of your mind. I was like alright Cheers My daughter bringing you home of like okay wait okay the store, okay?

Starting point is 01:03:25 I'm into something they're into it's cars guns or games i've got it somewhere right so usually especially boomer guys who are gonna be mad at me they're into cars or guns and so i'll i'll relate to them and then and then we got them but sometimes they are not into any of them and it's a lost cause it is a horrible lost cause and it does not work and they hate me a lot moms not a fan i'll tell you right now moms not big into guns i don't know got a lot of gun moms a lot of boomer gun moms hanging out with me i'll tell you that here's the first thing they think is that guy fucks my daughter i'm gonna kill him i also think that there's a part of a parent that if you know that i'm dating your daughter you're like oh she's into some like weird stuff like it's a clue you know they're ruining their own like view of their child yeah yeah they're like there's

Starting point is 01:04:20 no way that guy doesn't choke someone during sex. And that's not my thing. I'm not into it. But I'm saying if you're into me, you are probably asking for that. You know what I'm like? There's a Venn diagram of people who like Shane and people who like to get choked. And it is a circle. It is a circle. Yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:04:42 I don't want it to be that way. Shane is my people. I understand this. I love this man so much. I don't want it to be that way. Shane is my people. I get it. I understand this. I love this man so much. I understand this. I really, really do. I know episode six and I, we were talking about stuff on the drive here and I was just

Starting point is 01:04:55 like, oh, how deep do we go today on some of this? About three inches. Fucking balls deep. Oh, dude. Yeah, balls deep. That's what I said. Okay, so nerd shit will actually touch on some nearly it. I mean why not? You're like a fucking what a scholar for Tolkien. Yeah. Yeah, so I I guess I'm allowed to say that i've like nerd creds yeah i've i've uh

Starting point is 01:05:26 communicated with the amazon prime uh people about lord of the rings i'm a huge tolkien guy i've you know i've read everything in the appendices and in the history of middle earth tolkien's letters i'm huge in the lord of the rings i've narsel on my face obviously um you know i'm big into warhammer i have a giant warhammer collection i've got every almost every single games workshop lord of the rings miniature or now it's called middle earth strategy battle game miniature this is the same one that like back in like 2005 and six where you would make your armies and yes i played the fuck out of that shit yeah yeah yeah building and painting the urchi with the the spears yeah yeah yeah oh and they break so easy dude those spears were such a bitch

Starting point is 01:06:09 my buddy built helms deep out of like foam and shit so we could hell yeah so i have all that i have i i play i don't really play full warhammer anymore but i have all the war cry and kill team stuff i have a crazy amount of mordheim classic. I have everything from 1995 Warhammer quest. So I'm really into games, but beyond that, I'm so deep into board games that I play like advanced squad leader, which is like a simulation of world war two that takes, you know,

Starting point is 01:06:40 that tens of or more hours to read the rules so that you can even play Could you imagine playing this with your grandfather? Who's a hundred and that was in world war? Oh my god He plays a lot of solitaire I would be saying that to him. I think to World War II today. I was there on the beaching in Normandy. How was the water? What? I was on one of the cliffs. Grandpa?

Starting point is 01:07:12 Weird. What side did you find? He really likes Wolfenstein. Yeah, he's really into the Wolfenstein lore. He has the OG copy. Interesting. He's got a final solution, it's crazy. Cheetos, bro.

Starting point is 01:07:31 Bro, this episode's getting demonetized so fast. No shot this one gets in it. Just bleep a lot of stuff. Yeah, my whole fucking episode killed myself. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Have you ever heard of Minecraft? If he had a super mine cop right now he'd be like oh yeah do you need a ride home no

Starting point is 01:07:51 actually what the fuck what do we do with this oh my god you don't need to buy one way tickets anywhere you never need a flight dude i would scare my friends i would put on like a really scary silly costume and I would sit in their bathtub and f*** myself. So they'd open the bathtub to go take a shower and I'm like, OOOH!

Starting point is 01:08:13 Fucking Shane's corpse is in the bathroom dressed like Freddy! God dammit, Shane! F***! They're like, this is such a dick, I gotta clean a corpse up for the third time this month. And you're screaming like, Shane! Shane! Shane! Put the brace back in! Oh! Got you! corpse over the third time this month Got you you mother fucker you wait till they're walking in their house new column and you're like just listening to Do the level of nerd Like fucking astounding cuz I was telling the guys I was like bro he plays mtg does all that yeah sim racing yeah yeah yeah i have a bunch of i have a sim racing

Starting point is 01:08:52 setup only for f1 i don't have uh because i have to use like a play seat challenge because i don't have a lot of room in my new york apartment so i was gonna buy a full closet you rent yeah yeah i was gonna do a full like caged uh thing with like a shifter and a handbrake and everything but i just like can't fit it and i have too many hobbies to take space because my board game collection is crazy then i've got the sim racing then i've got my regular gaming stuff and then i've got surfboards it's just like too much to put in an apartment you know so we got the play seat and i've got my uh my f1 shit and that's really fun and then i mean i do you know a crazy amount anything nerdy you can imagine i'm i'm probably up up to i get it man i feel it don't don't don't worry i get it

Starting point is 01:09:38 yeah i've even worked on a few things i worked on madara which is like the boutique board game that did like two million on kickstarter oh i know okay i was a play tester for that and it's like it's like anime um kingdom death oh okay i don't think yeah yeah yeah so it's really great go check out my dar it's fucking awesome uh and then like i worked on forbidden psalm which is like a black metal uh miniatures game that's based off of uh merc borg uh which is like another black metal role-playing game literally black metal like when you kick-started them that you could get a record that had like all these black metal tracks to listen to while you play and then inside the record it's like an adventure and shit but the art is like the most metal disturbing fucked up like it's so

Starting point is 01:10:26 sick so check out that too swedish role-playing games very sick so you're on a next level of nerd yeah yeah so i'm i'm up to it i like this i'm up to it for sure this is like what surprised me the most i was like man he's like a fucking nerd like i'm calling him a nerd and I'm I'm fucking anime I'm like, oh homeboy like sim races and I get it I get it man. You got to do it all man. It's very fun Like literally my entire coffee table right now is nothing but magic. I saw sorting cards right now is what I'm doing I'm sorting so the collections easier to build that's so crazy. I can't collect You shouldn't I it's too much

Starting point is 01:11:05 especially with magic i will collect the warhammer set i'm gonna build a full when the warhammer set comes out i'll buy everything i will create i will have a full collection to make a cube out of it and then same thing with the lord of the rings set i have the entire balder's gate set at this point four four of every oh i might be missing i know that the mythics i'm done the rest of it i absolutely do i know okay cool i'm working on the mythics right now that's why i have four boxes of balder's gates in my kitchen right now or my living room originally i wanted to do um and i literally just forgot the name of the set and they redid it werewolves vampires that set in a strad in a strad yeah yeah it was the dual set i wanted to do the

Starting point is 01:11:45 original in a strad that's everyone's favorite to cube yeah so i was like oh fuck i gotta do miu this is what you finally fucking did is this what you feel like where they go on a tangent sometimes about anime and i love anime but god damn it's too much it's that i just i don't watch that much anime dude i'm like i love cowboy bebop and some of the newer stuff but then they're like this is i'm like what i'm sitting here the whole time like the the child at the dinner table like just the vietnam music playing in the helicopter with tim kennedy here you know tim kennedy ufc fighter yeah yeah huge fucking nerd fantasy Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so funny. You know, like fantasy, like Lord of the Rings novels, because Tim Kennedy's just a nerd,

Starting point is 01:12:25 too. You know Tim Kennedy, UFC fighter, Green Beret. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge fucking nerd. Fantasy literature. He loves it. Yeah. That's fucking sick, dude.

Starting point is 01:12:33 And we were just going on a tangent, and Cody just like blacked out. That's so funny. Straight PTSD. Cody looked, his eyes, he's like. And then they photoshopped him like with a Vietnam shit. With a Vietnam shit. Dude, that's so funny. And you're like, Cody's so in a dark place.

Starting point is 01:12:41 And you're like, what? And then they photoshopped him like With a bitchy Guns going off That's so funny Cody's so in a dark place And you're like what the fuck We're here buddy We're here You're not big on books?

Starting point is 01:12:54 No no I am I just don't get that deep in the nerd lore I like science fiction stuff Oh shit Do you have a Are you a big fan of Starship Troopers? No no Dune though

Starting point is 01:13:03 Dune's all Oh yeah Dune is. Dune's awesome. Oh yeah. Dune. Yeah. Yeah. Dune is sick. Dune. Do the MMO.

Starting point is 01:13:08 Oh, they just announced the other Dune MMO. Yeah. Yeah. That looks sick. Funcom. Can't wait for it to be ruined. Stop. Don't say that, dude.

Starting point is 01:13:16 Don't be negative. Come on. I'm going to be negative. It's going to suck. No, be positive. Well, my favorite MMO of all time was Anarchy Online. And I like, I put thousands of hours into that game. And Funcom, who makes that, they just came out.

Starting point is 01:13:27 And they're like, hey, we're doing a Dune MMO where thousands of players can be on one planet. And you can go mine spice. And you can go in the sea chas underground. Did Funcom do, what was it called? Conan. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

Starting point is 01:13:43 And they also did the one that was the King Arthur. Fuck. Camelot? Camelot. With the three potions that all fought each other. Camelot. That one was cool. That one was really cool.

Starting point is 01:13:53 I remember that one was cool. And for a long time, you could max out your sneak stat because it was like a PvP. And then you could just like murder anybody. And they didn't patch it forever. And me and my friends would just troll people on there. That was a great one. So that's very very cool do you guys know about dune oh i mean oh you're big on dune i'm not big on it but i know dune i've read some dune i've read the books and then okay i was like if you want to give them a thousand we could get into the butlerian jihad

Starting point is 01:14:18 he's like what do you want i was like like, do you want a bump of Dune? Just to quit Bones and Spice, bro? Where'd you get that? Don't ask. I was a career criminal. My stepdad bought it for me. Dune is so fucking sick. Dune is so prolific. I think Dune's prolific to science

Starting point is 01:14:40 fiction the way Lord of the Rings is prolific to fantasy. 100%. When you read anything science fiction, way lord of the rings is prolific to fantasy 100 when you wrote it in the 70s yeah when you read anything science fiction even like so much of warhammer i mean warhammer has a butlerian jihad in the universe that's why there's no ai oh shit that's why humans are integrated into the machines so like when you all the servo skulls and stuff those are real people who are like tormented for eternity as machines because they can't make ai because ai tried to destroy everything everything yeah yeah yeah so they like took a bunch of these ideas from dune to create like the way they travel through the warp and all

Starting point is 01:15:16 that stuff is just like inspired by dune so if you like warhammer and you've never read dune fuck you no i'm kidding you should go read dude though it's fucking sick fuck you just tell him yeah yeah fuck you dune's also sick because it's one of those like uh who's the good guy who's the bad guy like you can read it and enjoy it but also afterwards you can really like consider it in the the like the implications of like fate and all that shit afterwards very good yeah so good might be one of the smartest guests we've ever... No. I took it back. That would be so embarrassing for the rest of your guests.

Starting point is 01:15:49 You're like super nerdy. Thank you. Super nerdy. That's cool that you can touch on all of our... Yeah. Dude, I'll touch on every single one of you. That's episode 69. 69. Flock put in the part where we're just fucking each other right now. Yeah, yeah, dude.

Starting point is 01:16:06 How do you get four guys all doing 69 on top? I've told you. Oh. It's the push-ups. No, it's like you build a log cabin. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what we call it. We generally won't call it logs.

Starting point is 01:16:18 Lincoln logs. We call it Lincoln hogs. Yeah, dude. We did that last time. You guys already came up with that? Yeah, Lincoln hogs. We came up with Lincoln Hogs! We came up with Lincoln Hogs! I wasn't there but I know exactly where you're talking about.

Starting point is 01:16:30 Clear the fucking table off, we got a Lincoln Hog. On camera. All of us are just like, go! Oh! One, two, three! The cane is where they do it. One, two, three! Can't smoke rock drill sergeant Can't smoke this cock though That's so funny

Starting point is 01:17:28 That's a good 69 episode Four of us 69ing One of us can't get hard I've told the story about that Porn and then there's always one guy in the back just like shaking Come on man. We're getting paid right we're on the clock. Let's go like just trying to get it working I've told the story about that one porn where it's the fucking hilarious It's like like the girl in the middle one guy's laying on the couch like this and then the dudes rolling her from behind and Guy pulls out to go that's behind and the girl moves just blast the guy Lightning thunder Lightning thunder Lightning thunder Lightning thunder Oh fuck dude This is rough Yup That's it

Starting point is 01:18:20 That's the spot Thank you for watching the Unsubscribe podcast. As always, we have Eli Doubletap, Donut Operator, and our very, very special guest. I am special. Where can everybody find you? Where are they going to see all your shit?

Starting point is 01:18:37 Oh, okay. So I'm Shaydozer everywhere online, and that is a reference to the Killdozer, for those of you who are wondering. S-H-A-Y-D-O-Z-E-R. I can't use my real name because, unfortunately, two separate billionaires have the name Shane Smith. And so if you're wondering, oh, what do you do with that name? It ain't fucking me. I'll tell you that right now.

Starting point is 01:18:56 I am a hundredaire. Or however you want to say it. Hundredaire. I have tens of dollars. Yeah, dude. It fucking sucks. So Shadozer on everything, Twitter, Instagram. You can find my comedy at shaynsmithcomedy.com.

Starting point is 01:19:13 And yeah, that's it. Would your Netflix special come out? Fucking bro. They would never give me a special, dude. They would never. But if someone from Netflix is watching this, I love you. And I need you help me. I want to be on Netflix. And so, yeah, there's all that.

Starting point is 01:19:30 Oh, I have a podcast called Cowboy Boys. And it's basically just it's more cum. A lot of cum. Just just that over and over. And then, yeah, that's awesome. That's it. Fuck. Yeah, bro.

Starting point is 01:19:44 Yeah. Let's go round of the plus. Good. for a round of applause this is a good one yeah I feel like we had a great time jerk off we're baddie reading phone I was grabbing cowboy boys thank you yeah let's get let's turn these cameras off and get linkin hoggin

Starting point is 01:20:00 what are you gonna say linkin hog right now funny I came to the same conclusion. I wasn't even hanging out with you guys. Literally, it's the exact same thing. Dude, great minds think alike, man. We're talking about how we're like, well, let's just fuck for episodes. I'm like, it's like Lincoln Logs.

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Unsubscribe Podcast - 69 - The Biggest Nerd ft. Shayne Smith

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