Unsubscribe Podcast - 80 - Killers, Crimes & Cocktails ft. Dan Cummins

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Starting point is 00:00:12 Conditions apply. Details online. There's a guy who worked for us, this guy Joey. And he was a skater growing up and like sponsored a little bit. And he still had that attitude. I'm like, dude, really? I'm like, he's like, well, you used to profile me. I'm like, yeah, correct, because you were a piece of shit.

Starting point is 00:00:26 You were a fucking deviant. I'm like, I was a fucking juvenile delinquent. And I'm like, of course they were eyeballing me, because I was stealing shit constantly. Yeah, same. And destroying things constantly. It's like, yeah. Perfect.

Starting point is 00:00:41 It's hard being a cop and a skater, too, especially as a small business owner now. If someone's grinding on your rails and destroying the paint on them, It's like hard being a cop and a skater too, especially like as a small business owner now. Like if someone's like grinding on your rails and destroying the paint on them, it's like, little mother. Yeah, we're just old dads right now. This is the podcast.

Starting point is 00:00:55 Just three old dads. Just like, these kids. These kids. Skaters, am I right? Oh yeah, you got to open one. Oh, shit. Is it? Yeah, you got it. Same time? Right in front. Ready yeah you got an open one oh is it yeah you got it same time right in front ready three two one and then you sip it

Starting point is 00:01:15 pinkies in or out out or in that's the pinkies yeah inside of us. Pinkies in each other. Human city. Welcome to our podcast. Human pinky feet. Dan hates this podcast already. I'm not used to having sex before this show. Say hi to Eli. He's racially ambiguous and batty. That guy's fucking ridiculous and donut.

Starting point is 00:01:47 It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy. Welcome to Unsubscribe. Hey guys, thanks for watching Unsubscribe podcast. Make sure wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on YouTube, Castro, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, Podbean, Stitcher, or... That's all of them. Please leave a comment like it thumbs up it give it a rating of five stars whatever you do it helps the podcast out immensely and Donut and Eli

Starting point is 00:02:12 will be very happy if you do that and we want to make Donut and Eli happy today yeah for five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top Donut say something motivating and that's where the you come that is come subscribe what's up buddy oh my god thanks

Starting point is 00:02:32 for having me oh wait oh do you want me to do a thing hi everyone unsubscribe podcast here i'm joined today by eli double fap and mr dan commons one of my this is my favorite podcast ever so i'm like super fucking psyched about this time suck i'm gonna go ahead just fucking watch time suck right now i just picture and that's the only words you say the entire i'm done i'm done now i'm fucking stoked today uh i think yeah i'm done i'm just a fly on the wall because this is a podcast not a fly on the fucking wall what's up buddy i'm so glad to be here yeah this is really really cool uh new studio i mean i didn't uh wasn't in the old one but uh it looks awesome this one smells less of poverty

Starting point is 00:03:17 it's much cooler in here yeah i'm not sweating my dick off everything's just nice you know and i love where it's set too it's very it's a little hidden spot very i don't know i don't know how much you want people to know so i don't know how much i'm supposed to say that's pretty hidden if you find it we'll shoot you ding go fuck yourself internet die okay he is a huge fan so i was like and i'm i love your shit and then thank you i've been we've been talking back and forth for you were the first comedian you're like yeah i'd love to how's november look we were like talking in like june i was like i guess man i don't know is the world still around that's a long plan i know it is crazy well it's like you guys were so busy in so many things too it is uh crazy as you get like more into doing more kinds of content and then you look at your calendar

Starting point is 00:04:08 because i was always a person like oh yeah whatever man just you know like and then you start actually looking at the content and i was like oh shit uh i can i can meet for lunch in four months like what the fuck how did this happen yeah that's perfect and people don't get that you have the people that are like bro just meet me for lunch this week and's perfect and people don't get that you'll have the people that are like bro just meet me for lunch this week and you're like i don't have an hour is a long time we were joking about that the other day about like uh how disappointed most people would be to see like behind the scenes of like what we do over like we call like you know bad magic productions like these various shows but they're all like research based or stories based and i

Starting point is 00:04:43 think there's this like you know concept or this perception of like we're all hanging out and cracking jokes and some of that does go on for sure but there's just a lot of people just furiously typing away on computers fuck fuck fuck come on like they're gonna get this done in the next three hours but is this joke good let me tell it one more time right it fucking doesn't land hard enough okay go back do this got the edit no back and forth bad like it's just a fucking nightmare right comics behind the scenes too a lot i mean there's definitely some that are like lively and fun but there's so many that are just brooding like like there's the there's the stage stuff but then behind the scenes are just like i suck i hate myself i'm a piece of shit it's the heather of comics she just shits on herself it's like the crowd's like she's like thanks everybody i love

Starting point is 00:05:28 you all she walks backstage not today not fucking today i have to say i have to work on it so hard of like and i hear myself doing this and get mad at myself every time but i'll like finish a show someone just be nice who just had fun so i'm like dude that was that was so much fun and i'm like ah you know this fucking this story i fucking butchered and i'm and then i hear myself like what are you doing you maniac just just say thank you and move on it's fine you're just shitting bro i just try to give you a compliment you just immediately pulling. Is it funny? Because I hate it.

Starting point is 00:06:10 Dude, my friend Chad Daniels, he's my favorite psycho that way. He's another comic. He, no matter what, he will turn on the audience. And he makes it fun. But it's insane to watch where it's like I'm watching it and I can see in his eyes. I'm like, oh, things are turning. Like he's not liking this. And the crowd's like, yay.

Starting point is 00:06:28 And then like maybe one joke. They won't laugh as much as he thought. He's like, oh, you fucking comedy experts now. I saw so many years ago he was taping his half hour special for Comedy Central. We like a bunch of us taped these in masks. And it was like a big deal where him and I are both from small towns. So excited to be there. I'm watching him do it. It's like he's doing it.

Starting point is 00:06:49 It's going so well, but he felt like it wasn't enough and he stopped the taping, which is not a usual normal thing to do. And he stops it like 10 minutes and he's like, hey guys, I know a lot of you just got tickets, free tickets off of Times Square and wandered in here and you don't give a fuck about this,

Starting point is 00:07:06 but this actually means a lot to me. So how about you show a little fucking appreciation and stop sitting there like a bunch of dildos? Like he went angry dad on them. And then they just like fear laughed. The rest of them. It's like, okay, let's go. How's everyone doing tonight?

Starting point is 00:07:23 Woo! They're just like screaming. how's everyone doing tonight the camera's cutting to the audience and they're like understanding the psychology that i'm like it's so fun to watch it's so fun to see you're just being a director you're like like, everyone shut the fuck up. Okay. What the fuck's going on, guys? That would be so hard. Yes. I would never tell my audience to laugh more because I think in my fear would be everyone leaves. They would just be like, fuck you, buddy.

Starting point is 00:07:55 You're a asshole. They get up. Like the camera cuts from my joke to nothing. It's like an HBO special. There's just no one in the audience. No, it wasn't filmed during COVID like an awkward Eric Andre skit or something oh my god he's so funny he has that's a different kind of balls that like that just fearless anti-comedy where you can just almost like Kaufman-esque just do things to fuck with your own audience and be willing to make them hate you for

Starting point is 00:08:23 like a possible payoff later that is a different type of comedy have you seen the one where he gets shot to death on the street he like finds a random person he's like we're gonna prank someone and so they like hide behind like just a street corner and they jump out but of course you know another actor pulls a gun it's like dude and he's got this he fucking dies and the person is just just freak the fuck out oh god i love it dude eric eric andre death compilation video is my favorite thing on youtube i'll have to watch that i yeah i haven't i used to watch his uh what is it um comedy adult swim uh the show he had with um and just like especially the early episodes when people truly didn't have what is it? Comedy Adult Swim. Yeah. The show he had with Hemel Burris. Hemel Burris, yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:06 And just like, especially the early episodes when people truly didn't have any idea what they were getting in for. Because he had huge celebrities on there too. Right. And they were just so confused when he's like whipping his dick out

Starting point is 00:09:15 and just having like, just like craziness or someone comes on, a naked guy runs onto the set and he has to fight him and just like, or like pretends to shoot like a member of

Starting point is 00:09:25 the band or whatever just chaos those are those like that's that next level of humor i could never do i see that style it's like uh what's the guy he's the comedian on i want to say hbo showtime it's i am going to if i don't get out of this magic or this trap i am gonna be exposed to uh all these elementary schools and then arrested by this police officer so what's his name he goes in and makes you know i'm talking about he does the marketing pitches for companies and oh uh ben something no i i um i haven't seen that show my ex-son was talking about it uh i know the audience is sitting here like, you stupid motherfuckers. It's this guy. Yes, the three of us can't come up with this right now. Three.

Starting point is 00:10:10 Out of 7 billion people, I can't guess the name of this one fucking dude. It's like it's life of or it's... I can picture his face. He's like a really like... He's a deadpan. Suburban looking white guy. Like Nathan for you yeah nice

Starting point is 00:10:26 yeah bad dudes that like the the magic trick one because he's been practicing escaping from like handcuffs so he's like handcuffed and it's this machine that's holding a zipper and it's gonna expose him like in front of kids and there's a cop sitting there. There's a group of kids standing there watching him. And he's like, and a machine hand that's like ready to unzip his pants and pull his wiener out. And you're like, why would you ever do this? Oh my God. That cringe.

Starting point is 00:10:59 I do enjoy like the Sacha Baron Cohen and stuff. Like when they just make things so uncomfortable, I just don't know if I could commit to that. Like some of that stuff, like in real life, like I like to joke about imagining doing those things. And I would do some things when I was younger, like just to,

Starting point is 00:11:13 but just kind of like to be a dick, but like, but to, but to do that, I don't know. That's a special kind of personality. They can like hold character and just make people so angry, so uncomfortable.

Starting point is 00:11:23 God, Sasha Baron Cohen, like some of the stuff he's done, I'm like, man, you shouldn't be able to, your balls people so angry. So uncomfortable. God, Sacha Baron Cohen, like some of the stuff he's done. I'm like, man, you shouldn't be able to. Your balls are so big. Like you shouldn't be able to walk. You should have to have a wheelbarrow just to fucking carry your balls around. Because it's like that. That's the next level.

Starting point is 00:11:36 He did the, was it Giuliani? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Like a fucking pedophile. Yeah. Made him look like one. He was. He was actually like. He made himself look like a pedophile. He exposed himself as fucking pedophile? Yeah. Made him look like one. He was. He was actually like.

Starting point is 00:11:45 He made himself look like one. He made himself look like a pedophile. He exposed himself as being pedophile-like. Dan, huh? He's pedo. First off, Giuliani. Well, and then, like, he's Jewish, but, like, but still, when he went into that synagogue with the crazy costume of, like, the long hook nose.

Starting point is 00:12:02 Oh, God, fuck. And just, like, talking to those old ladies i'm like oh that was so uncomfortable just like i like when i watch that stuff i'm like moving around in my seat i'm just like you're sweating oh no you're getting a nervous sweat yeah fucking secondhand embarrassment from what's happening the ufc gay wrestling scene where they're just fighting naked in the cowboy... In the cage match? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:29 People wanted to fucking kill... They had to secretly somehow get them out of the building because they were afraid they were going to get murdered. That was like good old boys. I never saw this one. What happened? They were supposed to fight. It was like this underground kind of cage match vibe. It was a Sasha Baron Cohen. cage match vibe, but it's like

Starting point is 00:12:48 Small town like, you know cage around them like you Got super homo Like making out and stuff and people went from this reaction like Fucking kill him! That crowd, know your audience. That was not knowing your audience. Damn you for giving me this murder! What the fuck, bro? In my game. Oh, no!

Starting point is 00:13:18 Just guys like, won't you kill him, Walder, beating off? Fuck you, guys! Fuck you! Kill him! New kink unlocked. It's like a Xbox achievement. Fuck you guys! I'm gonna kill him! New kink unlocked. It's like an Xbox achievement. When I'm done coming, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Starting point is 00:13:35 Is this throwing the semen at the ring? The fucking Rick and Morty was like, I see what makes you laugh! This means nothing to me holy fuck i'm so happy that's just i like to like have these scenarios like the imaginative scenarios but that's it but yeah but i don't actually like want to go beat off in front of a cage it was like but there are some guys who like no, no, that's funny. I'll fucking do that in real life. Bro, to get the lols, I'll totally make out with my BF and jerk each other off. Fucking Sasha Cohen and Eric Andre. Yeah.

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Starting point is 00:15:08 Different kind of person. I'll jerk off on my friend's face. It's going to be hilarious. dealer today or see mitsubishimotors.ca for details. Conditions apply. zero drinks and you just came on my face because i was asleep and it was funny cody there's semen here it's dried i have pink eye i hate my life right the katie perry yeah it's like now i am thinking about like yeah i don't know if when you guys were younger it's like me Now I am thinking about like yeah, I don't know if when you guys were younger It's like there was that phase of like college age around there like where I would do things like that really where now I'm just like oh man, that's fucking insane like the Just this joke we were just doing looking back when I was in college I would do a joke where I would this one roommate go on Sneak up behind him,

Starting point is 00:15:45 take off my, stab my dick out. And they're like, hey, Paul, what's going on with this TV over here? So he would look around and his face would be like in my dick, like for laughs.

Starting point is 00:15:54 And we would laugh. We would laugh. But looking back, I'm like, that's pretty fucked up. Oh, yeah, yeah. The ball game? Yeah, it is. What's it called?

Starting point is 00:16:05 The movie? The movie Waiting. Oh, I never saw that. I know? Yeah, it is. What's it called? Waiting. The movie Waiting. Oh, I never saw that. I know the Dane Cook movie. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. Oh, I definitely never saw that. I was thinking of some.

Starting point is 00:16:11 They're pulling out their dicks and their balls, and they're like, you get to beat the fuck out of someone for looking at your dick. For looking at your dick? For looking at your dick, you just beat the fuck out of them. Dude, I did a video about Florida Man in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. He was just showing people his dick. And then when they looked at him, he would call him gay and beat him up. What? In real life?

Starting point is 00:16:30 No, this, yeah, this is a real life thing. That's Florida. That guy's not a practical joker. He just, he just bath salts in Florida. You're gay. He looked at my dick and he would just like beat people up. Fuck. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:38 Yeah. Like he didn't eat anyone's face while they were still alive. How was work today, honey? So many homos. Bro, you're the one whipping your wee-wee out. You're the one punching people in the face. Not at that time. This is John. Yeah, it was work today.

Starting point is 00:16:56 Yeah, he's just checking in. He's like, coochie. Goes home, punches his wife for looking at his dick. He just hates everyone looking at his dick. He just fucking clocks in to be Florida man every single day. Some insane wealthy benefactor just hires him to do this. I was a billionaire.

Starting point is 00:17:14 You're showing him your dick and you're fucking punching him. I can't do that 70 grand a year. When do I start? What is this? Benefits? Easily, if I was a billionaire that's one employee i would have a florida man in your pocket just to whip out at parties and shit how's dave doing your own pet florida man that's what i'm crazy you can face this random piece of shit you pay to be a

Starting point is 00:17:41 piece of shit and just unleash on people. Just like he's a W2 employee. He's sending his work hours. You're still making a job job. And I like the old school machine of the actual punch card. He has to show up. He hates that.

Starting point is 00:18:02 It says man, Florida. I wanted to have supervisor meetings too. Like he gets a review every three months. It's like, I don't know. We just noticed on Wednesdays and Thursdays, like you're barely punching anybody for sure. Like,

Starting point is 00:18:14 look at your dick. You're super down on Wednesdays and Thursdays, bro. You're phoning it in. You're phoning it in. And what's going on with your dick? It's barely hard these days. No one saw your cock.

Starting point is 00:18:29 No one looked at it. What the fuck is up with you? You make him show up in a suit to their views, to the forums' views. Very formal. He still has to give PowerPoints once a month or email presentations. Did you say, like, fucking God damn it? very formal. He still has to give PowerPoints once a month or email presentations. Fucking God. What is that?

Starting point is 00:18:50 Uh, ongoing training or whatever, like the ongoing training, he shows up in the suit. You bring in a couple of people for him to punch in the face after them showing your dick, like give them pointers. It's like, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:19:01 I mean, you're not supposed to come from the pelvis. You're like, you gotta fucking hook them. You have team building exercises. Okay. Eight of us are going to jump around at the same time. One of us is going to have a dick out. Get hooked and he's going to hit you.

Starting point is 00:19:23 He does a naked truss fall and whoever catches him and looks at his dick he fucking hits you. We've created a new superhero. I love it. I was thinking of Florida Man. We've got to figure out Dan's superpowers.

Starting point is 00:19:41 Dan's superpowers. Okay, Dan. We play the game. You get to choose your own superpower minus the superpower no one's superpowers. Okay, Dan. We play the game. Okay. You got to choose your own superpower minus the superpower no one else has picked. You're pretty late in this game. So your options are limited. Okay. But I mean the world is your oyster.

Starting point is 00:19:57 We get to choose the downside to it. Okay. So the superhero is called the offenders. The offenders. Yeah. It's part of our I can fly. Yeah, It's part of ARC. I can fly, but I have to shout racial slurs while I'm flying. So like if there's a Section 8 housing community on fire.

Starting point is 00:20:14 We don't want to send Cody. I can't rescue anyone. You see Cody walking with the ladder. I'm helping. He's climbing up. It's like that boy can fly. We don't need to see that today. Why?

Starting point is 00:20:28 Was it? Action 11 news is outside right now. Can't you fly? No, I can't. Nope. I can't do it. Put on these earphones. Eli, what's yours? I run real like fucking speed of light.

Starting point is 00:20:42 I just can't control shit when I'm doing that. Okay. so there's just he's the brown streak yeah the brown streak and you said a lot a lot of powers already been taken though yeah but we can has anybody has anybody uh i feel like the big ones take like shoot lasers like where like um like from where from their eyes from their eyes uh i'll just go ahead and get my the last guy is still in my head I, I want to be able to shoot lasers out of my dick. I was going to say that. I have a dick.

Starting point is 00:21:07 I have a dick. But it has to be a limp dick. Oh, and it burns. And it burns. It's got to be limp and it burns. No, it's way more awkward if it's hard because then he's in a stressful combat

Starting point is 00:21:19 situation, saving whoever, like there's a bus and save these bus of kids because the doors are fucking Cody. These doors are iron shut. There's a bus and to save these bus of kids because the doors are fucking, Cody, these doors are iron shut. There's no way. We have to cut the top of that bus off and we'll pull the kids out. You have to get hard now.

Starting point is 00:21:35 And now he has to get hard. To laser the fucking school bus roof off. And it hurts when I'm lasering it. You're like, I love you kids. I laser the fucking school bus roof off. And it hurts when I'm lasering it. So it's like. I love you kids. I love the kids.

Starting point is 00:21:54 I love the children. Don't say that. Don't say that. Please change your uniform. It also says it, which is really weird. I love children. Damn, really? Because you're shitting and I'm screaming. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:12 The offenders. That's great. Okay, so fucking laser dick power. I have a laser dick, but I have to be hard and it burns. Okay. All right. I just like you showing up. You're like, this is really stressful.

Starting point is 00:22:23 I am, fuck me. How do I get hard right at this moment? I think my favorite is Demo Ranch or Buddy Demolition Ranch. His is he can teleport, but every time he like does the little X-Men teleport thing somewhere, he has to kill a kitten. So he has a bag of kittens. That's like the sacrifice. Oh, bag of kittens. I'll save these shows. What? I'm going to get some cats.

Starting point is 00:22:50 Come here. Two. Teleport back out. And we were asking how lazy you get. It's like, I got to go restroom. Oh, yeah. Because you're going to become desensitized. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Like at first you're going to be like so sad. But once you've like fucking snapped the necks of like a hundred kittens first, you're gonna be, like, so sad, but once you've, like, fucking snapped the necks of, like, a hundred kittens, then you're just like, ah, fucking cats. Yeah, whatever. I gotta get water. Gotta go to the fridge. I forgot my cup.

Starting point is 00:23:17 You just get your cup, break the cat, and you're back at the water. Looking for your wallet. Is it here? Nope. You just teleported here on your house shattering kitten your house smells terrible it's so lazy because like you've been teleporting so much so after i just figured something like in a lazy boy and they just don't want to flip the fucking pedestal down for their feet so they just like snap a kitten's neck just to go from a lazy boy to a standing position.

Starting point is 00:23:45 You don't even really move that far. It's just two lazy boys in two different positions. My leg's going numb. Snap. Back and forth. Just Kitty Hitler over here. With a blast. just kitty hitler over here i like this i like this gang of superheroes yeah we had um also i i actually wrote a list for you because i was like you know what you're gonna have he's gonna have these if oh this is we were talking about on the way here because Because you are into the true crime. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:25 If you were a serial killer, what would your MO be? Ooh. Gosh, man. I'm thinking like something that hasn't been done. What would the MO be if I was a serial killer? I guess I'd want to do something. If you were a teacher, I love children. Just pull that one.

Starting point is 00:24:41 Go ahead. Dance face of horror. He's like, ha, ha. I think it'd be weird to, like, throw him up by, like, something really, like, nice. Like, after, so, like, you kill somebody, but then, like, leave a card with a charitable donation to something. Like, so, like, yes, you killed somebody, but also you leave proof that you gave like $5,000 to like a fucking food shelter or a food bank or something. Just like a weird concoction where every time you like you, you get like horribly mutilate some other body, but then leave like a really nice, maybe cash for the family. At Desjardins Insurance, we know that when you're a building contractor, your company's foundation needs to be strong.

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Starting point is 00:26:07 You leave... That's more fun. Like, he's crying. Find an agent today at Desjardins.com slash business coverage. like a handwritten note and like a Cinnabon gift certificate. Like, sorry, I fucking, sorry I fucking murdered your family. I know. And then you draw a frowny face. Have you had a Cinnabon? Have you had a Cinnabon? Holy shit. They make me smile. Here's a free gift certificate.

Starting point is 00:26:24 $300 for Cinnabons. $300? That's a lot of Cinnabons. $300? That's a lot of Cinnabons. They're never going to spend because they're killer. Please, every time you get sad, every time you get sad thinking about your daughter being fucking horrifically beheaded and mutilated, get a Cinnabon. I swear it'll make it so much better.

Starting point is 00:26:39 Did you just write a Cinnabon commercial? I know. Are they even around anymore, Cinnabons? I don't know. I think there's one in San Antonio Airporton commercial? Are they even around anymore, Cinnabon? I don't know. There's one in San Antonio Airport, right? Are they only in airports? I haven't seen one in a while.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Everything sucks. Fucking airport. Or maybe take a movie. Just something ridiculous. Like an AMC movie gift certificate. One movie? When you need an escape from thinking about how your daughter was horrifically mutilated.

Starting point is 00:27:07 You know what makes me feel better? Thor's gunk. Classic movie night on Thursdays. Sorry about the gunk. Yeah. That would be a super fucked up calling card. Like, or,

Starting point is 00:27:26 or like the, or maybe like act like you think it makes it all better. Like, like we're even now. Like I know, I know it's pretty fucked up when I did this, but like, you got to admit,

Starting point is 00:27:36 this is a nice gesture on the other side. Yeah. So maybe we're even like something like the, you always sign it. Even Steve, even Stephen killer. Yeah. Even Stephen, even Stephen. you murdered my whole family of seven and gave me two gift cards to Walmart and one to Starbucks.

Starting point is 00:27:54 Hardly even Dan Cummings. Hardly. I know I shotgun your family to death, but look at this cool moped I left you on its side. But how do you see it? I know I fucking butch It's on its side. But have you seen, I know I fucking butchered your entire family to death, but if you look in the backyard, yes, that is your trampoline.

Starting point is 00:28:11 Like, you're welcome, even Steven. Yeah, just so you know. I spent four hours building this where you were asleep, not noticing, so that you feel worse. Oh my God. The killer was here building this. Well, you should have been protecting your family.

Starting point is 00:28:31 I was quietly building a tree for it in the backyard. Surprise. Even Steven. P.S. You left your door unlocked. I had to borrow tools. In their neatly placed house. Yes.

Starting point is 00:28:48 Leave only $77. It doesn't make fucking sense. You didn't see it. Or just extra, even extra fucked up things. Like for the kids, and then you leave amounts of money for each kid that you think is worth them based on their like attractiveness i know you're so upset about me killing your beautiful daughter but i left ten thousand dollars and fifty bucks for the ugly kid I also gave. Even Steven. That's a big discrepancy

Starting point is 00:29:30 in number two. What the fuck was wrong with Charles? He really did not like that kid if he gave me $50. Yeah, my family's dead, but fuck, man. $50, right? The $10,000 was cool.

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Starting point is 00:31:19 because I actually have used it. It is like it's a Chrome extension. You just boop. It's just like any of your like how you have ad block or anything like Chrome extension. You just boop. It's just like any of your, like how you have ad block or anything like that. You can just boop, turn it on or just never shut it off because I know you're a bunch of D gens looking up anime waifu dolphins. I can't wait till that's a shirt. That's a shirt now.

Starting point is 00:31:37 Anime waifu dolphins with the little, I hate it. I hate it so much, but Hey, now you can safely search the internet, surf the web, look up your disgusting, disgusting dolphins.

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Starting point is 00:32:29 Oh shit. That's a lot of money. There has to be a number where like one family member dies. You're like, we're reporting this to us. A lot of money. Steven was kind of a dick. Let's have a family sit down. Family dinner. If you want to stop crying yeah steven's just like

Starting point is 00:32:49 i mean if you would have killed donna yeah that's tragic but we're talking about steven but how much did we i mean we talked a lot of shit about him he had problems in school he had all his friends it's a lot of money car him. He had problems in school. He had problems with his friends. It's a lot of money. Carolyn, get his report card. Look at this. This is a fucking failure at everything. Stop crying. Stop crying.

Starting point is 00:33:10 Stop. He's your fucking stupid brother. He died of natural causes. Pay cameras on Steven. Throat. Arms dropped. That's a fucking dark thought. I'm having a real thought.

Starting point is 00:33:24 Of all the people murdered. Like, like there has to be, this is fucked up. I know this, but there has to be at least one person that came home to find like a family member and be like, had an internal thought of like,

Starting point is 00:33:36 Oh, thank God. Oh, I mean the divorce. I mean, so why is it that everybody who dies? It's's like they were loving, they were cherished. Yes. So loving and cherished.

Starting point is 00:33:51 It's so crazy. I can't remember if I shared this thought on an actual standup album or if it was too much for the audience. But I had that same thought as like Heather was just saying of like, you know, when they're, whenever somebody dies and it doesn't have to be murdered, it can be like a bus goes off a cliff and it's like, you know, like, uh, you know, all these wonderful people, these amazing lives were taken from us. But then like in regular life, when you go to the mall, you know, chances are five out of 10 people, you see like, fuck that douchebag. But, but then when they die, it's like, oh, this, this tear, this amazing life was taken it's like okay 30 people in a bus go off a cliff at least five of them it's like we're cunts you know they were bitching up to the moment that bus actually landed

Starting point is 00:34:39 they're like this is your fault it's like the husband's still getting ready. Like, geez, thank God. Can you imagine that's how the news like related to it's like a tragic morning. There was a bus full of 30 people. They went off a cliff. 25 of those people were great. Amazing people.

Starting point is 00:35:01 Two were fucking. Yeah. Two were douchebags. And one was just really kind of unlikable. Just like, like, gross. He was an eyesore to everyone. One of them was the shittiest. He wasn't specifically

Starting point is 00:35:15 mean to anyone. He just sucked. Jesus. He had a face for death. I mean, look, is anyone really sad? Everyone at home goes, Our ratings are going down right now, showing his photo. I mean, look, is anyone really sad? Everyone at home goes. Our ratings are going down right now showing his photo. Pull that off the screen. Okay.

Starting point is 00:35:40 In true crime, there is a fucked up phenomenon that for sure happens where it's like the stats on that, you know, how many people are murdered every year is, you know, horrific. And the ones that get the most press in general are attractive white women. Like that is a, for sure a thing where, where it's like, if a serial killer only targeted like the most unattractive people ever, it will for, for sure get way less media attention is if somebody went after like, uh,

Starting point is 00:35:58 models or something like that. Weird. Yep. There is like, uh, you just like, like look at certain cases that attract, you know, public attention. And it's like, Oh yeah. Well, and the big one, Ted Bundy, you know,

Starting point is 00:36:09 Ted Bundy versus like John Wayne Gacy. It's like John Wayne Gacy had a lot of, but not nearly the amount of Ted Bundy. And there's so many unknown ones. Like he killed a lot more people. Like a lot of those people killed a lot more people. Randy Kraft, the scorecard killer. It's like, there's just certain societal things. Like he was going after dudes, uh, where ted bundy was going after not only women but like young women young attractive women co-ed age and it's like that got way more attention and yes he was attractive uh there's other elements but there is for sure a hierarchy like absolutely like within with uh with victims we call him the poor mexican killer it never made any sense. It's coverage. Oh, my God. Coverage because it's like, I only kill poor Mexicans in New York. He killed 600 Mexicans.

Starting point is 00:36:49 Yeah, but this guy killed two white women. Yes. Oh, no. They were super hot. It's literally how it goes. Most people don't realize. What's the Andres killer? The mountain.

Starting point is 00:37:02 The guy that has the most Pedro. Oh, Pedro Lopez. Dude, kill him. And then he gets. Monster of the Andes. Oh, Pedro Lopez. Dude, kill him and then he gets. Monster of the Andes. Yeah, Monster of the Andes and gets off good behavior. Killing like 300 or 200 people. That was the one that killed criminals, right? He was like.

Starting point is 00:37:12 No, that's the good one. No, that's another dude. Yeah. This guy just murdered. Kids. Yeah, kids. Girls specifically. 300.

Starting point is 00:37:19 They let him go? 18 years for good behavior. Because. Because of all like the cartel type stuff like that and like corruption and politics and stuff they reduced maximum sentencing laws in certain south american countries i can't remember if that one was uh that's the one but it's also which country was crimes are condensed to a single crime when you're charged yep and you can't get no matter what you do you can't get more than 20 years so he got one murder pretty much yeah he like they knew he killed a fucking insane amount of people and they're just like well yeah we can only put you in for can't get more than 20 years so he got one murder pretty much yeah he like they knew he killed a

Starting point is 00:37:45 fucking insane amount of people and they're just like well yeah we can only put you in for this long and then he got out and started killing again a murder you got a murder he did right and they were like and then 20 years and people like what the fuck he started showing the bodies everything like because he knew a majority of us and then they're like man you behaved in prison so come on let's go you're out buddy and then he disappeared after that yeah yeah exactly they have no idea like how many more yeah there's so many there's a crazy i just learned this week for this coming episode it's like the mmiw uh murdered and missing indigenous women it's like this crisis on like reservations i knew almost nothing about it.

Starting point is 00:38:25 Predator. But it's fucking insane where the way the laws work, and I don't think it's changed recently, but like you can't, tribal police can't give somebody more than a year. Now, it got changed to three years recently. But until recently, no matter what crime they were convicted of, one year maximum penalty. If the feds didn't get involved and want to help, somebody could straight up fucking murder somebody. Tribal court, guilty, one year maximum. $5,000 fine, maximum. What was the movie that was so good about Renner?

Starting point is 00:38:58 Jeremy Renner was in it. About the reservation. Oh, I didn't see it, I don't think. Where the guys, they like kill a reservation girl and Jeremy Renner lives on the reservation. He goes and didn't see it, I don't think. Where the guys, they like, and kill a reservation girl. And Jeremy Renner lives on the reservation. And he goes and he just fucking mercs everyone. Ooh, nice. Did he play a Native American?

Starting point is 00:39:11 What is it called? Something, Mountain or... I hope he played a Native American. You haven't seen that one yet? What? Dude, it is such a fucking good movie. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, it's fine, it's Jeremy Renner.

Starting point is 00:39:21 He still has Blondie. It's such a fucking good movie uh ah shit i can't think of what i but i was i was very unaware of that whole what wind river wind river it's so fucking good dude if you're doing your episode about about that that's dang it i already recorded this whole movie okay i'll have to look into that because i was i was unaware that like yeah it was just like three years is insane yeah yeah they they like, yeah, it was just like, one of the three years is insane. Yeah. Yeah. They, they finally, and they, if it was multiple crimes, now you could, uh, the maximum, no matter what is nine years, but there's all these other problems too,

Starting point is 00:39:51 where it's like a lot of like tribal police can't arrest. Okay. Let's say a non-tribal person comes on the reservation, kills a tribal woman. They can't arrest him. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. Stay three nights this summer at best Western and get $50 off a future stay. Life's a trip. Make the most of it at Best Western.

Starting point is 00:40:11 Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. They have to call the fucking feds or something like that. And then those people, but then a lot of times there's not funding. So there are long ways. So it's the stats. They get murdered 10 times the rate of any other ethnicity. Holy shit. Yep. It's just a crazy. I was like, times the rate of any other ethnicity. Holy shit. Yep.

Starting point is 00:40:25 It's just a crazy. I was like, what? This is happening now still. Yeah. Blown away. Because and the people who are experts say it's like, well, yeah, because the jurisdictional confusion has created a hunting ground for these fucking predators. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Where they can just like just get away with whatever. And now you're bringing it to spotlight. So it's going to double now. Well, it's going to double that. And so you're at fault for all of us any future ones i'm probably at fault it's just called the dan cummings event and you're like no no i actually i actually didn't think about that as i was recording i didn't say anything but i'm like oh maybe this is a terrible idea because i'm like ranting about like oh yeah you

Starting point is 00:40:59 can just fucking get away with it and i'm just picturing some but like dude listening like yeah you can get away with it dan it wasn't that you said that it was the drawings indicating how you can get away with it was the main issue we had it's literally it was an org chart it was the even steven addendum package where you posted a blueprint, you left two pieces of corn. You explained it for two hours. And said, happy Thanksgiving. Dan, this is fucked up. You can't do this. This is fucked up.

Starting point is 00:41:33 You left a fucking cornucopia. This is the most insulting. It's not even Steven, Dan. You're just a piece of shit. Don't touch those blankets. They have smallpox. Oh, my God. That's a guy who's such a fucking asshole.

Starting point is 00:41:55 Just leaves a fucking blanket with a wink. Fucking Dan. Even Steven. God, he's a piece of shit. He killed our family. And he left blankets. God, he's a piece of shit! He's like a killer family! And he left blankets! But a very nice turkey day dinner. Cooked a whole bunch of stuffing and cranberries.

Starting point is 00:42:15 It's really delicious too. It's like... Babe, you have to try the gravy. It's really good. Look, what's to trade the gravy. It's really good. Look, what's done is done. This gravy, this gravy's still fresh. This is still steaming.

Starting point is 00:42:31 Not eating this delicious gravy isn't gonna bring our family back. It's so good. It's steaming. It's so good. Oh, god damn, he's a good girl. Jamie, be that man. He's a brutal psychopath. Fucking amazing chef.

Starting point is 00:42:50 He used nothing from a can. It's so good. Everything's fresh ingredients. The guy gets arrested, and the relatives visit him in prison, and they're just like, he expects they're going to confront him, but it's like, listen, what you did to my family, I'll never get over it, but while I'm here, please, if you could just give me about it. It's like, listen, what you did to my family. I just, I'll never get over it. But while I'm here, please, if you could just give me that recipe.

Starting point is 00:43:09 Anything. We've tried to replicate it. It's always too salty. It was magical. All the families drop charges at court because they want your secret bean sauce. The plea bargain is the recipe? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:24 Do you have like 50? And on his just like now he's good that's that's the mo that's the crazy serial killer like he fucking annihilates but then he just makes a delicious meal like he's such an amazing cook and just leaves it for you warm and then that's how he gets out of it it's literally he's like yeah you want to know how to make that uh fucking cordon bleu chicken well let's talk i just pictured the field all right you don't start with the thing up Hey, Eli. Huh? You ever just want to feel better than all of our viewers?

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Starting point is 00:47:08 been a long time yeah so fucked up toybox is fucked i don't i didn't i didn't listen to that albert fish toybox toybox ones was just fucked so like uh it was captivating because it's so horrific there's a weird like time it is a true thing like time plus tragedy is comedy it's like albert fish because it happened so long ago and the old timey language he used uh did add like little avenues for for comedy but for me it's like he was such a weird weirdo where he was the i can't think of a comparable serial killer where he would tie people up but then somehow – but then also want them to tie him up. And it's like he would beat victims but also want his victims to beat him.

Starting point is 00:47:51 And he was such a – so depraved like with his fetishes. He would want to like shit on a victim but also have the victim shit on him. It's like he was this weird combo and he would write the funniest part of Darkly fun but he would you know to try and get new uh victims he would he would write these uh this whole scam this like long con where he would write these women and say that he he had his son and his son needed it was like old-timey like phone sex he the way he would try to like work, work this, but, like, a long series of letters, and he would start off saying he had a son, and he's looking to get, like, remarried, needs a maternal influence in their life, and, you know, try to get these widows to write him back,

Starting point is 00:48:31 and they would, and then he's like, well, my son needs discipline, he's like, he's, you know, he might need some discipline, he needs a strong, you know, maternal figure, and they're like, okay, they write back all old-timey language, and it would just keep escalating, he's like, he's probably gonna need to be spanked, he's probably gonna need a spanking for like a firm hand spanking and then he would like go and then it just kept asking he's like we're both probably need to get spanked and then it would just like talk up and he pretend to be a whole time he's sexting yeah old-timey sex and he would pretend to be a hollywood producer and he would start these fucking nonsense things about big starlets of the day well you might not know but it's common practice in hollywood for them

Starting point is 00:49:04 to like get their bare bottom spanked and you know and to like you know i they like to have their be shit on and eat people's shit so i might want some of this it's like some new studies have shown that if you shit on someone like this fucking insane he would just see how long he could go because that's what got him off is trying to find someone to shit in his mouth showbiz that's how they do it in Hollywood. Everyone's doing it. You get to be a bottom spanked and you get a cat of nine tails

Starting point is 00:49:28 and you get a little bit of whipping and you get a hot peanut butter put in your mouth. Are we good? But it was just so, the letters were so absurd that that was just like, it's sometimes hard to find like a weird little angle on that, I guess, for humor. And it's all humor.

Starting point is 00:49:49 And the cult ones are always fascinating to me. All the cult episodes, some more than others, but it's just what people will believe if you just slowly drag them into this crazy cult place. Because people are always like, how do people get to like this heaven's gate level or like this? Like Jonestown. If you don't look at the photos of Jonestown, that is the most. That is the most surreal pictures you will see where you like this. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:13 Yeah. This white dude convinced nine or twelve hundred people to fucking drink Kool-Aid and are. Yeah. All the flavor aid poisons. And it's like it's like, well, people forget. It's like they don't start off with that level of insanity it's like a long process and then once you get more and more people to buy in it gets easier to get new members because you have this group mentality like all

Starting point is 00:50:33 these people saying oh it's great it's great it's great but jim jones wanted like a little known thing we found out about him just to show how his powers of, he did this weird mind fuck where he convinced his followers that they were all gay and he was the only straight person and being gay was a sin. And he, but he felt empathy for them. And so to, to give them some kind of pleasure, he framed it as some kind of weird treatment thing.

Starting point is 00:51:01 Like I'm doing this for you. And he talked all these dudes into letting him fuck them in the ass for them, for their benefit. And they would walk away being like that's so great that this nice straight man fucked my gay ass even though they weren't gay. Like he

Starting point is 00:51:17 mind fucked straight dudes into thinking maybe I am gay. And like. Mind and dick fuck. It was insane. There was this PBS documentary and this dude's explaining this. And he wasn't, he, he heard about this too early.

Starting point is 00:51:31 He had just started to get into the commune building part of the Colton, California. And he said he was, they were in some kind of big room together after working, you know, they had a bunch of like crops and things they would do like very commune based. And,

Starting point is 00:51:44 uh, and this guy started to give a speech. He's like, hey, guys, we need to talk. He goes, what you're doing, I think they called him father or dad. He's like, what you're doing to father is not okay. You got to wash your assholes. And this guy was like, fucking what? And he's just like, it's disrespectful to have your dirty ass.

Starting point is 00:51:58 And he's like, this speech because it's disrespectful to have a dirty butthole for Jim Jones to fuck to help you get your gayness out of your system because he's so straight. Like, it's disrespectful to have a dirty butthole for Jim Jones to fuck to help you get your gayness out of your system because he's so straight. Like it's nonsense. But these people, he said like he's in the room with these people and they're like, oh, no, that makes sense. And remember, they can vote. I know! I say that all the time. No matter how...

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Starting point is 00:52:44 How fucking crazy you are, you can get in that voting booth. If I can talk you into having sex with me, because you're gay, not me. Yeah. These cult leaders, the shit they've gotten people to believe over and over again, sometimes a small group, very little, not well-known, sometimes a small group, very little, like not well known, sometimes a big group. It's, it's scary. Like how much they can get their hooks in people.

Starting point is 00:53:11 It's like this pot committed thing. It's like, kind of like, like playing poker. It's like, you get to this point where it's like, you've lost so much money and you just are desperate to win your money back. And you start like doing, making crazy decisions and you just won't leave the poker table. Cause you're just like, no, i've invested too much in this they get like that with cults once they get to the point where they've given the cult their possessions and they've uh fucked over their family relationships they don't want to look foolish and there's a psychological term for it but like the longer it goes it's pretty much uh what is it with cognitive dissonance it comes into it but what it's all like when you're kidnapped and uh you like stockholm syndrome it's almost uh there could be stockholm syndrome and they're gonna and there's this thing

Starting point is 00:53:48 where nobody wants to feel stupid nobody wants to feel like dumb it's like being in a relationship for like yeah the worst thing for like three years to eight years and you're like you yep i've invested this much time you might as well and the longer jim swiped my butt again, I don't want to seem crazy. The longer, yeah, yeah. The longer it goes, the more dumb you look if you get out. So you're like,

Starting point is 00:54:11 you don't want to have to like have all these I told you so's. So you just rationalize more and more crazy shit. And what's funny, interesting about cults, 90% of them, it's just about a dude getting laid.

Starting point is 00:54:23 Oh, 100%. At the end of the day, it's 90% of them, it's a dude a dude getting laid. Oh, 100%. It's 90% of them. It's a dude who wants to fuck. Usually older dude wants to fuck a bunch of younger women. Like so many cults boil down to that, like creates this entire fucking theology just to get their dick wet at the end of the day. My seed will give you a God child.

Starting point is 00:54:40 Just so you know, the next profit comes from my ball sack. I know what you're thinking. First off, my genes, not the best. God chose me crazy. just so you know the next profit comes from my ball sack yep i know what you're thinking first off my jeans not the best god chose me crazy uh jim's giving out butt babies jim's just butt babies thanks jim at least i'm not gay right jim what's the line when you're like huh the first time i bent over and I felt a mushroom push against me. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, I'm not.

Starting point is 00:55:09 I'm fucking. Thank you for, thank you for helping me. I'm cured. Not my cup of tea. Do you Jim? I don't care. It's just not me. But I think about it with just human nature.

Starting point is 00:55:23 I think that's like the fascination with serial killers and the cults it's just like it just it is fascinating how far off the beaten path some people can go and rationalize their choices and think like i'm a good person still i'm a sane person and just doing the most insane shit well that's how i like for like serial like um not ed game but um um kemper kemper yeah ed kemper ed kemper i know you're like I like for like not Ed Gein but Kemper. Yeah. Ed Kemper. Ed Kemper.

Starting point is 00:55:48 I know you're like yeah. Dude Kemper like that's a good example of yeah. Because he's just so he's like a very

Starting point is 00:56:00 intelligent guy. He's a fucking scary on how big he is. Oh yeah. Six or six eight. Yeah. But how big he is like oh yeah six six eight or six eight yeah three but his iq he was like one seven yeah very very intelligent fucking nuts he was the rare serial killer ed kemper who um turned himself in like you know like after it was like oh run oh

Starting point is 00:56:19 well there was speculation with with him it's like that he he was you know a lot of times these killers is like they're killing their, okay, like Bundy. Kept killing that girl who turned to, who, you know, spurned him over and over in his mind. You know, a lot of these women look like this first love he has, this first big love. Kemper, it's killing his mom over and over again, they thought, on some psychological level. And then once he killed his mom, it was like the circuit was complete. And it's like, oh, I don't even know what to do now. I guess I should.

Starting point is 00:56:45 And it seemed like he did have some remorse on some levels. Like you should, I'm sick. You should put me away. That's very rare for them to like, because maybe so intelligent to actually kind of come back to like the, the whatever perceived trauma sent them on that path on some level and to eliminate that person. Cause you know, usually what they do is they just let their, usually, usually a, a mom,

Starting point is 00:57:07 a dad, some kind of family member that they're killing over and over, but they almost never actually kill that person. Yeah. And then they don't turn like what he did was like remorse or whatever to whatever a psychopaths like serial killer can have remorse. But then he was like, oh yeah, you, you should, how do you cure people? Like me, you, oh, you can't like, we're not curable yeah you let me out yeah i'm gonna repeat this behavior but i'm gonna give some kid audiobooks for you right all the normal weird he's he's the reason

Starting point is 00:57:35 like the fbi started profiling yeah he's one of them yeah that was a show yeah yeah what is it the behavioral analysis bau behavioral analysis unit yeah yeah which is so fascinating at that time because it was back in the day it was just evil is evil there was like it wasn't oh what developed evil right what started it was a childhood because you do have like the bundys the uh yeah dommers where you're like oh they had a decent childhood right where the fuck did they go all psychopath? And then a lot of the time it's like, oh, really bad childhood. All this stuff.

Starting point is 00:58:09 And that's why your kids all messed up. There's so many different factors. Have you done the little girl that was just evil? I forget her name. Have you talked about that? It's a little girl that they had a young age. So like what the fuck? She had a little sister and a twin that is like a healthy, happy family.

Starting point is 00:58:29 There's a super viral YouTube video. I don't know. They're talking to her. They're interviewing her. Maybe when she's like, yeah, I just want to stab them to see what the insides look like. Little girls fucked up. There's that nature nurture thing. It's like, that's why I hate it when people want to really try to rehabilitate serial rapists, serial pedophiles. No, they're fucked. It's like, that's why I like, I hate it when people want to like, really try to rehabilitate like serial rapists, serial pedophiles. Like, no, they're fucked. That's nature. Like,

Starting point is 00:58:49 their brain is fucked up forever. It's like, you know, you can't fix certain things, you know? It's like, yes, there's a myriad of reasons of how they got there. But like, when it comes to like, crime and punishment, like, I don't fucking care at the end of the day how they, it's like, make sure they can never do that again. And some people, I think some psychologists and stuff like they get a little God complex and think that they can break this new ground and like, you know, cure this, you know, person of doing all these terrible things. But like, like some of them, like the sexual sadist, once they go down that route road and they're attracted to trauma, like they're attracted to gore, which is a real thing. It's like Chikatilo, you know, that Russian guy couldn't get hard. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:25 Unless there was fucking blood and, you know, like death in front. That was like this. He would wait for the bus, if I remember. It's been so long. I can't remember how. He killed a ton of people. Yeah. He hit long period of time.

Starting point is 00:59:35 Yeah. Usually like lure people out into the woods. Yeah. Yeah. From the bus stops. Yep. And then cabin and stuff. But it's like, it's scary.

Starting point is 00:59:42 Like once, kind of like, I think about like, one of the scariest things about like serial killers to me is like, I think about like, we all have like a fetish, you know, it's like, it's scary. Like once kind of like, uh, I think about like, it's one of the scariest things about like serial killers to me is like, I think about like, we all have like a fetish, you know, it was like, uh, okay. For like, I like pinup like that. Look, I don't know why I like that. Look, fucking love that. Look, uh, some people don't. And then some people like what their thing is, is just, you know, uh, they have to torture

Starting point is 01:00:02 somebody. They have to hurt somebody to get off. And it's like, they haven't figured out how to unwire that. Just like, I don't think I could unwire liking the pinup look. They can't unwire that. Like, and that's what's so scary about pedophiles.

Starting point is 01:00:14 You know, like once people are attracted to a fucking eight year old, you can't unwire that. It's like, it's just, it is a, it's just, it's fucking terrifying.

Starting point is 01:00:23 You can say it's like, I'm working on it right guess what i like big boo since i was a little kid right right right still like big boo hasn't changed too much no it's not going hardwired the second my penis is like no and goes that i'm like what the fuck you solved it i solved the problem i'm rich bitch that's probably that's probably the most kickback i get on any issue from like the overall audience is I'm super pro death penalty for those kind of cases. Yeah. You know, and it's just like, it's like, I look, cause I look at greater good.

Starting point is 01:00:53 I'm like, are we going to risk this person killing for, and they're like, yeah, but what about every once in a while when somebody is wrongly? It's like, yeah, I know we got to work on that. But let's say one in 10 000 one in 20 000 uh gets uh executed they shouldn't have but what if we like aired the other way and and released these people and then they kill 300 people they kill 500 people they kill it's like well yeah a thousand people dead is fucking way worse than one dead it's just numbers yes decriminalize drugs yeah yes oh my god yeah that's it yeah decriminalize are we Yeah. Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Decriminalize drugs.

Starting point is 01:01:26 Are we going to? Oh, my God. When I run for office, that's going to be my slogan. Decriminalize drugs. Kill the pedophiles. The decriminalize drugs, I could talk for hours about it, but that makes me so angry. I get so worked up. It's like. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:44 It's like, yeah, it's like punished with drugs. I've always thought like you punish the crime that someone may commit on drug. Okay. If someone gets fucked up on drugs and then vandalizes your house, you punish them for vandalism. You don't stack it with like, but they were high. Who fucking cares? The outcome is the outcome.

Starting point is 01:02:00 And it's like, right. Yeah. The privacy of their own reality. Heather Lynn, 2022. I do get so frustrated with politics that way where it's like, I won't ever take, I won't ever like really,

Starting point is 01:02:15 really like a politician until they got serious about like monetizing drugs. It's like, and reducing nonviolent offenders in prison, the people in prison for just drug charges. Fuck off. It, it's ridiculous. It's insane. And it kills me that there are so many people in prison, long-term sentences for weed and shit like that,

Starting point is 01:02:33 but then fucking pedophiles, who it's their third offense, get out after a year. It's like, what are we doing? It's enraging. Yeah. You're like, yay, government doom. Yay, government! We did good.

Starting point is 01:02:45 We did real good. We were outlaws real good. Everyone protected. I've been joking about how absurd it is to run for any higher office. You don't have to have any qualifications. Literally none. Just a blind popularity contest. That's crazy.

Starting point is 01:03:01 We should run for fucking all of Texas. What are you saying, dog? Isn't it crazy? I could be the governor of Texas right now. Have you met our president, Mr. Beast? That's crazy that like we should run for office. I'm saying dog President mr. Beast Secretary to bits, Dan Cuffe, everyone. He's built penis lasers. There's penis lasers everywhere.

Starting point is 01:03:34 They have to be hard, though. And they love children. I would love that. Like on the debates, they could just cut hours of the most horrific shit you can say that I've said publicly like over many years. And be like, well, what about that? I'm like, that was pretty funny. He's laughing. Bring that bit back.

Starting point is 01:03:55 You're taking notes. Speaking of inappropriate, my wife, Lindsay, we did a live show, which we don't need to do as much humor for scared to death, but she got I caught her off guard usually you can see my bullshit coming she got so mad at me but I did do the defensive like yeah but it's pretty funny uh she was doing this like she was doing this serious heartfelt talk about the donations we do which we do and she oh god and so it's kind of like an emotional like moment. And she was talking about how we like listed off a bunch of things. And she's like, and we also, you know, donate to the victims of domestic violence. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, maybe do.

Starting point is 01:04:33 And sometimes we donate to the perpetrators for pro domestic violence charities. And then just trying to see. It was like a record scratch. He's like, not funny. And I can hear I can hear all the guys. The producer fucking bust up laughing. I'm like, kind of funny. Oh, no. At that moment,

Starting point is 01:04:53 Dan realized first off, comedy cool. And not getting laid for a little bit. She did. It took her a second. I was like, come on, it's absurd. Come on, it was a joke. Even Steven. Dan's like, honey, this is going to be a good bit.

Starting point is 01:05:14 And he's shadowboxing in front of the battered women's shelter. Babe, I got you. Delicious. I've gotten better as I've gotten older, but it's like you get used to like just having a weird sense of humor all the time and joking with your friends. And like when I was younger, I wouldn't I would forget that some random person on the street does not know me or understand my humor at all. And the worst, probably the most I offended somebody is I thought I just thought they would know I was being absurd. And it was just basically what I did with my wife. But it was a real life moment. It was in front of a grocery store and this like college age girl is trying to

Starting point is 01:05:47 get people to sign a petition for some kind of like anti-pedophile legislation. She explains to me what it is. And she was like, do you want to sign this? And I was like, Nope. And then she was like, why not?

Starting point is 01:05:56 And I was like, cause I'm pro pedophile. And it was like, I had fucking punched her in the face. Like it was, she was so, and I was like, no fucking punched her in the face. And I was like, no, no, no, I'm joking. She's like, how is that a joke? High-strange man that's profanified.

Starting point is 01:06:14 High-strange guy who looks kind of like him. You have a chicken holding a fucking rifle. I can't trust you right now, Mr. Profanified. That's why I feel like so lucky with time. So I've always had the most fucked up sense of humor. And it's like, it's so refreshing to like, okay, there's other deviants.

Starting point is 01:06:33 There's other. Thanks Heather. Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you. And you know what I find? I find people with dark senses of humor who can joke about are generally, and I'm not

Starting point is 01:06:47 trying to like make this about like my humor, but it's like that kind of humor, but there tend to be the nicest people, the most genuine people who aren't trying to put on airs of being something they're not. You suffered a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Starting point is 01:06:59 Yeah. You, yeah, you have that humor comes from somewhere. Yep. Sprinkle in a little trauma there. Yeah. A little trauma. Just sprinkle that trauma on. You can comes from somewhere. Yep. Sprinkle in a little trauma there. Yeah. A little trauma. Just sprinkle that trauma on. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:09 I think it does make you more empathetic because, yeah, if you have a dark sense of humor, you generally had some rough patches, you know, some shit. Yeah. One or two. One or two. Went through some stuff. Yeah. I think everyone relates to that. Got a joke for you and your wife.

Starting point is 01:07:24 Okay. I like my beer like I like my violence. Domestic. I'll share with her. I'll share with her. That's all you. That's a Dan Cummings joke, everyone. Next podcast, I'll just throw that in the middle.

Starting point is 01:07:38 She's like, why are you doing this? This had nothing to pertain to this. We were talking about her family, Dan. We're talking about a family, Dan. We were talking about the kids, Dan. Just trying to spice life up right now, babe. God damn it. I love you so much. I love you guys.

Starting point is 01:08:00 This has been fun. I can tell when my face hurts. I'm like, okay, this has been good. This has been fun. That's how I always you guys. This has been a fun. I can tell when my face hurts. I'm like, okay, this has been good. This has been fun. That's how I always do it. It's based off of, I'm like, ah, it's the cadence of talking. It's the fun. It's the laughs.

Starting point is 01:08:11 And it's the dog humor because our audience loves the fucked up shit. This is still very much a PG-13 episode on because we didn't do a lot of race stuff. Yeah. I didn't say the N-word super loud. Yeah. That's usually at least five times. And you pulled back. Yeah, five or six times. We had to cut that in of race stuff. Yeah. I didn't say the N word super loud. Yeah. That's usually at least five times. And you pulled back. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:26 Five or six times. We had to cut that in post every time. Every time. You floating away. It's real weird. Thankfully we got. That's the Patreon episode is with Dan just shouting it for 30 minutes straight. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:08:40 So make sure you stay tuned for the Patreon. Dan's just like, BEEP! Floating. Dan becomes a Modern Warfare 2 lobby. It's just the F word and the N word the whole time. We didn't get a beep. Welcome to the Patreon.

Starting point is 01:09:00 And you guys just started Patreon, right? Yeah. Yeah, you love us. It's going well.. A month has passed. Yeah, a month. Yeah, you love his talk. It's going well. Sounds like it's good. He's doing decent. Thank God that those things exist. It's like, I feel like an ancient person now, but it's like, but when I started doing comedy

Starting point is 01:09:14 like a couple years ago, none of those avenues existed. So you had all these gatekeepers who were like, nope, that's too fucked up. Now you can't. I'm like, no, but people like this. But now it's like they're, yeah, but just if you can, that's too fucked up. Now you can't. I'm like, no, but people like this, but now it's like there. Yeah. But just if you can, there's people out there that like what you do,

Starting point is 01:09:27 they can support it in different ways. And it creates so much better content, you know, because people can actually be authentic and the system. That's awesome. That's what's key. Yours is the first time that it existed. That whole tier system.

Starting point is 01:09:39 Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I just started my own page. Yeah. And yours is popping off with the police doing good. That's awesome. Those police, they want those break, the uncensored stuff. I just started my own page. Yeah. And yours is popping off with the police doing good. That's awesome. There's police.

Starting point is 01:09:46 They want those break the uncensored stuff. I just watch murder and, um, that literally, I just watch uncensored murder and talk about it. And yeah. And I have 25,000 patrons. 25,000.

Starting point is 01:09:59 Yeah. Holy shit. You have 25,000 patrons now. Yeah. That's amazing. 25,000. I just want, I just amazing I'm sorry 23,000 23,000 I should show my butthole then. Dude, you get a butthole tier.

Starting point is 01:10:30 40,000. Butthole tier. I'll just show my butthole. Dude, 40,000 real quick then. Show your butthole while you talk about murders. Yes. This guy's getting blasted. Actually, you could film the same content, but from two ends.

Starting point is 01:10:47 So you just are like, you have one camera here and you have a butthole camera The lower tier gets the face cam and the higher tier gets the bottle you have to level up You can go back to the ball camera for an extra amount And then you could do a third tier that's in your butthole. Like in your colon. Yeah, it's in there. Just seeing the fucking guts. Reacting.

Starting point is 01:11:14 Guts reacts too. You have a little microphone there. So like. Ah, worth it. You know there'd be at least one dude in the basement like, worth it. I'm glad I got the tier 5. That's tier 5.

Starting point is 01:11:32 That tier 5 is worth it. You're never coming so hard. Tier 5, yes. It stops me from killing people. Yeah, I heart kids. Laser dicks and kids. I heart kids. You put radio at the bottom so it's less weird please it's enough change so it's a less weird t-shirt i heart kids radio see way less pedo i like that superhero costume on the patreon thing did you know that the guy who founded Patreon, Jack Conte, I think

Starting point is 01:12:08 it's how you say his name, C-O-N-T-E, he's a super fun musician. He does music with his wife, Pamplemousse, I think it's how you say it. Are you making up words right now? No, I'm not. It sounds crazy. It means grapefruit. Oh, it does mean grapefruit, and I didn't know that either. It's French, right, for grapefruit.

Starting point is 01:12:24 Pamplemousse? Pamplemousse or Pamplemousse, one of those. Grapefruit? Oh, it does mean grapefruit. And I didn't know that either. It's a French, right? For grapefruit. Pamplemousse. Pamplemousse or pamplemousse. One of those. Grapefruit. And Conti's Mexican. Oh, okay. So we have Conti and pamplemousse. And it's, but he does, they do these covers and they're so fucking fun.

Starting point is 01:12:38 He started it because he was like a musician trying to find a niche. And it's like, he's actually, you can't not smile and watch their stuff. It's a lot of these like funky covers, but he plays the keyboard with so much smiles and energy it's like you're like this is crazy but like okay i'm smiling too and he's starting he's a happy little billionaire now he's a happy bill yeah exactly he's playing his music and he still does and he does i think more music than ever now so it's like i would to hire people to run patreon yeah when you have a b in your name you have a lot more time for a lot of things. Yes.

Starting point is 01:13:07 Yes. Music. What instrument do I want to learn and buy right now? Cause you start at the top at that point. Yeah. God damn. Then you buy a Florida man. That's when you buy Florida.

Starting point is 01:13:16 Yeah. That's when you buy a Florida man. Conti needs to buy a Florida man. I think this whole show is fun, but we may have peaked at Florida man doing the fucking training, doing the work supervision. It's so funny doing it. This is the peak of this fucking episode. Okay, everyone, we're going to fucking, if you want to watch the next part, that's going to be it for unsubscribe.

Starting point is 01:13:40 We're going to run 15 minutes or so, fucking depending on Dan's time, for the Patreon show. So come hang out if you want to. Dan, where can we find your stuff, you beautiful son of a bitch? You can find – if you just – oh, my God. Man, you're nailing this. LaserJax.com. My name is Dan. My name is Dan.

Starting point is 01:14:00 I'm the MC. Do the bum-a-go. I'll do it in an Asian accent for you. Okay. Okay. His name is Dan coming. Okay. You go look at D A N C U M M I N G.

Starting point is 01:14:13 Okay. Very funny committee. What? No, no G is it, but it'll still, there is no G. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Starting point is 01:14:20 If he, if he do Dan Cummins, you can find the standup or time suck or scared to death for the horror stories. Guys. I don't, I don't watch podcasts. This is the only. I don't even. I've never listened to an episode of this podcast. I listen to almost all of his podcasts.

Starting point is 01:14:35 So please watch Time Suck. It's fucking good. It really is a time suck. We'll see you again. It's the best deal, the highest cashback, the most savings on your shopping. So join Rakuten and start getting cashback at Sephora, Uniqlo, Expedia, and other stores you love. You can even stack sales on top of cashback. Just start your shopping with Rakuten to save money at over 750 stores. Join for free at Rakuten.ca or download the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N, Rakuten.ca.

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