Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations about Sex - Redefining Relationships: Exploring Non-Monogamy and Open Communication

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

In this episode of Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations about Sex with Dr. Sue & Charlie, we dive into the evolving landscape of relationship structures, focusing on consensual non-monogamy (CNM) like open relationships or polyamory, and the importance of clear communication and boundaries. We talk about how societal expectations around marriage and commitment are shifting, creating space for people to redefine what partnership means to them. From defining terms like monogamy, polyamory, and monogamish to addressing the complexities of jealousy, family dynamics, and social stigma, our conversation emphasizes the value of honesty, self-awareness, and proactive communication. We also share how these relationship styles challenge societal norms while offering opportunities for personal growth and deeper connections. Whether you’re curious about non-monogamy or exploring it yourself, this episode provides insights into what non-traditional relationships can mean, and offers tips for fostering healthy, communicative partnerships in today’s evolving world. If you have a story, thoughts and/or a topic or question for Dr. Sue and Charlie please share your ideas here:  ⁠Show suggestions If you want to ask Dr Sue a sex question for the weekly Q&A you can submit it here: Ask a question

Hey everyone, welcome to Unzipping Taboos, candid conversations about sex with Dr. Sue and Charlie. We're here to dive into the topics of sex and sexuality that you might be curious about, but don't always feel comfortable talking about. No judgment, just open, honest conversation. So zip down and let's get candid. Today, we're going to dive into your relationship structures. But before we do that, hey, Dr. Sue. Hey, Charlie. How you doing today? I'm tired. Oh, man. But I'm happy to be here. Good, good. Well, hopefully this will wake you up a little bit. A little bit.

Would you like to give our listeners a little bit of information about your background? Sure. So I have a PhD in human sexuality education. I've been working as an academic for a long time. But one of the other things that I do is I answer people's sex questions. And people submit sex questions to me anonymously through my website. And we'll include the link to that in the description. And then once a week I answer it and post it all over some social media, which is perfect for this conversation because I'm getting a lot of questions about relationship structure recently, although they don't use those terms, and kind of the what's normal.

Oh, air quotes came out early. Air quotes. So early. Because that idea of like what's normal is kind of what drives almost everything that I do. But I'm getting a lot more about relationships recently. And not just through the, hey, Dr. Sue, also in the classroom, I'm getting a lot of these questions. So that's me.

Charlie, I think you need to introduce yourself a little bit. For those of you who don't know Charlie, she is our curious co-host who's always ready to explore the ins, the outs of sex, relationships, and all those taboo topics that we very rarely talk about out loud. Yeah. So Dr. Sue and I have been friends for several years, several many years. And we had these types of conversations candidly, often, and we decided to bring it to this forum so that other people who, as I said at the beginning, may be curious about, but

don't have the language or the comfortability to talk about it, maybe you can pick up some gems from our conversations. I'm also someone that is just inherently that inherently enjoys challenging taboos and societal expectations of me and others and what they think we should be doing and talking about and feel comfortable doing as members of society. I feel like that was a little bit of a redundant sentence, but hey, here we are. So that's me, and let's dive in. And you don't always sound like that. So for those of you who listen on a regular basis, Charlie is okay. For those of you who might like the new voice, this will only pop up every once in a while.

Well, we are recording in the middle of cold and flu season, and I seem to have come down with a little bit of a respiratory cough. Yeah, I just didn't want to think that I'd secretly replace you with someone who sounds different. And I watched a college football game yesterday, so that was pretty fun. A lot of screaming, I'm sure. Yeah. All right, relationship structures.

Where to begin and relationship types. what what help me with the language so and this is this is definitely one of those that the language we might use in academia may be different from how people are using it in the real world so charlie one of your jobs is to make sure i'm translating differently and wearing two hats at the same time and knowing which hat i'm speaking out of but i i'm getting a lot more questions these days about um consensual non-monogamy ethical non-monogamy what it means to have an open relationship what it means to be poly uh whether or not it's considered normal here come those air quotes again folks just if i say normal assume

there are air quotes there um what's normal what's what's okay in society and then i get the questions and i get these i have to say i get these across the lifespan because i think that a lot of folks are assuming i'm getting this mostly from college students and i am getting a lot of them from college students um but I'm also getting them a lot from my friends who are out there and dating um who are mid-20s to mid-60s um and they're they're running into it sometimes on dating apps and they don't necessarily know what it is so it's this is not a youth thing um and I just want to make sure I point that out but yeah so that's that's kind of where that's kind of I think what talking about I think that's important to point out that it's not a youth thing um and I always

like to um yes and that with it's not that this is brand new it is that it has become more socially acceptable to talk about and bring it out into the open um there you know there are many cases of these different relationship structures throughout history. I believe I know of a couple of stories. And so that's really the thing here is that we, as language evolves and society evolves, we are finding that we can daylight this a little bit more. Yeah. And I think that there's been, I think a little bit on the youth and generations behind us is that they are now challenging kind of that norm like I was still the generation that there was this expectation I was going to get married you know pop out the kids and not pop out a white picket fence but have a

white picket fence and pop out some kids and I think I was supposed to have a dog and a cat in there somewhere that was definitely the kind of what I grew up with it's not where I wound up but and that was a journey like that was my own little journey was to not kind of fall into that this is what was expected. I think the generations behind us have been pushing harder at changing that. And we know that the generations coming up behind us in the United States, Europe has been doing this for a while, by the way. We're a little slow. We're seeing the generations coming up behind us that are like, I don't really want to get married. Not that they don't want to necessarily be in committed relationships, but a marriage is a contract. It's a legal contract. And so

more of the folks who are in their 20s 30s right now are like I want to be in a committed relationship or maybe not but I don't want that marriage piece and when we take away that of the expectation it kind of frees us up to talk about okay well what else is what else is different what else can we talk about what other things are there if we're now changing that one piece it actually gives us a lot of freedom to to talk about some other things yeah yeah it's amazing what you can explore when you take away contractual expectations and structures right yeah and it's and I don't I don't think people are having that like oh I'm in my mid-20s I do not want to be in a legal contract with another human I don't I don't think that's how people

are thinking approach it right right it's not I think that they just don't see that necessity because of so many things that can be accomplished either through legal documents or that they just don't want that kind of, say I almost said commitment and that's not the word I want, because they want to be committed. They just don't want to be committed through the other, they don't want to be fiscally committed. They don't want all those other pieces that always tend to come with marriage. Yeah. And I would probably offer that, and this is anecdotal, but, you know, there's a lot out there where we see marriages dissolve, you know, from public personalities to in your own life, proximity to or experiencing as a child

of divorce. And so, and yes, you know, it is a legal contract, but marriage is also a social contract like there are there are expectations that people or presumptions that people have if you say you're married right and then so and then there are people that if you say you're married um don't it doesn't necessarily mean something to that person that it may mean to the married person i got a little lost there me too no that's all right um we can move on So if I try to explain it, we'll go down a rabbit hole and it won't make it won't make any more sense. Candid conversation. Yay.

So shall we get into some of the language? Yeah, I just want to say one thing. But before we do that, that is a socially acceptable. And I do. If you are listening to this and you live in a culture or you live in a religion or ethnic kind of expectation that marriage is the ultimate. We're not trying to say that that's wrong because there are definitely folks who are in who are just brought up in their own traditions where that is what you should aim for. And we're not we're not saying that's right or wrong. We're saying that for some parts of the country that's changing. So I don't I don't want to make it sound like people shouldn't get married because for a lot of them, there is a lot that's tied to it that has that has some really important ramifications.

So we're not saying marriage is bad or evil or not something you should get into. What we're saying is that more people are exploring getting away from that. But I want to make sure we're making space for everyone. Yeah, I think that's a great thing to say or to point out is that this conversation is about all the different values of relationships, structures and types and what may resonate with you what you're the values that you live um and you know maybe there's something that you've kind of thought about and there's some language you might pick up from this conversation that helps you explore it a little bit more all right so language yes okay so ready go

okay so usually the the big thing we use is the term consensual non-monogamy and ethical non-monogamy. And I tend to use those terms interchangeably because essentially they are talking about the same thing. They are talking about not being monogamous, but the other person knows. And that is very different from, I think, sometimes how some of my friends are experiencing this, where this person will say they're ethically non-monogamous, but their partner has no idea. Yeah, that's not ethical. That's not ethical. And it's not consensual non-monogamy.

So I tend to use the term consensual non-monogamy because I think it kind of drives home that point that it's consensual. I don't use the term ethical non-monogamy. I feel like you were seeing that a lot, but we kind of use the two together, and that's okay. Yeah, I think ethical can be a subjective term to many people. Yeah. And then just if I may, before you go further, can we just establish that we are all on the same page as to what we mean when we're saying monogamy? I know that's super obvious.

No, it's really not. Okay, great. Good. I kind of overqualified or apologetically said something for wanting to establish the baseline of what we mean when we say monogamy in this conversation. Yeah. And I think that's actually important because I think it is one of those terms that we've kind of assumed that we all have the same definition of. I think most people would agree with this definition. So when you're a monogamous, you are with one partner romantically and sexually and that other partner is only with you romantic and more romantically and sexually. I think sometimes, especially at the beginning of relationships, one person may assume there is monogamy while the other person does not. I think that's where some of the challenges are.

But that's what monogamy is. It's that you are romantically and sexually only with one partner and that partner is only romantically and sexually with you. Great. Okay. You may continue with consensual non-monogamy. Thank you. If you consent. And I may switch to the term CNM because if you've already heard me trip over consensual non-monogamy, it's a mouthful.

So I do tend to use the term CNM every once in a while. If you want to make me say it, that's okay. All right. So then we get into this term. I don't know if I want to go to like open relationships or poly relationships or monogamish. Which one would you like to go to first? I think open. Open.

So open relationship is where you have one partner who's your romantic and your sexual partner. And then you can have other partners who are just sexual partners. So the idea and I want to make sure we're saying the caveat. What I'm saying is kind of the definitions we use. It may be very different in the world in your world. So so I would encourage you if you are either exploring this concept or you have met someone who says that they're they're living these kinds of this kind of lifestyle and in the CNN world that you actually have them define it and that you yourself define it. I do know in the real world, some people conflate poly with with open. And yeah, so so I'm giving you more of a textbook definition. I do want to say in the real world, in the lived world, the real world, academia is a little bit real. um in the lived world it may be different so i always encourage people to have conversations about whatever it is just if it's a word you're not sure about or you define it one way just to

make sure you're having that if i may real quick yeah um when you're having that conversation with someone who says um that they're exploring or this is this is their relationship style um you know understanding what that what they mean when they say that and then also having an understanding of what they see their role as in this in this particular structure and then and i'm sure we'll get into that as we go further into this conversation yeah and then whether or not the other partner is someone you will know like there are definitely open relationships where the partner has the right to meet or veto um who potential sexual relationships are and then there are some where the person's like i don't i don't want to know i don't want to see you know they'll

have rules like no one in our extended family is no one in that sounded odd saying but sometimes um no one in our extended families or no one in our extended friendship group is fair game but other than that you do you there may also be some rules about contraception use um and sti testing But these are things you would want to have a conversation with is, OK, well, if I'm getting involved with you and you have a primary partner, like, do I need to be vetted by the partner? Like, do will they know about me? Like, how does that work? But back to the definition. So, yes, again, you may use this differently in your world, but open relationships. You have one primary partner who is your romantic and your sexual partner, and then you are allowed to have outside sexual relationships, but they may not be romantic relationships. yeah good we're on the same page with that sex is just sex i'm just saying but also not essentially

yeah but essentially that's what i hear in that definition is um is you do have that romantic emotional connection and sexual um relationship with one primary partner and then and then sex can be just sex with others okay and again if there are rules staying within those rules on those. Yeah. Respecting each other's boundaries and rules. Right. And also keeping in mind that people may want to close their relationship at any given time. So you may be that that other person, that sexual partner with someone who's in an open relationship and they decide to close down that relationship for whatever reason. There's a lot of reasons why they may they may choose to do that. So keeping in mind that once you kind of adopt this label, it's not a forever

label if you don't want it to be um i i have some some friends who were navigating that realized that they were into this they were into this they were into this and then they weren't and they needed to kind of close it down and and that it took a lot of discussion but they had this idea like oh well if i said i was into it that's forever relationships change relationships evolve humans change human needs evolve so um i don't want people thinking like well if i commit to this am i committing to it forever yeah i don't have to yeah it's not like marriage no just kidding apologize for that joke yes all right next poly so we've got yeah so we've got monogamy yep cnm yep and open yeah now poly or monogamish where would you like to go next i think poly okay

monogamous will be last um poly relationships are where you have that that partner that may be a primary partner or you may not so the idea is that you have multiple relationships that are both sexual and romantic sometimes there is that one primary partner and then there are additional romantic and sexual relationships sometimes there is not one primary partner um or it may be a primary partner but the they don't live together so they're so they're not necessarily in the same space and they're having these different romantic and sexual relationships again there may be some rules if there's a primary partner there may be some rules that are put on about how many how often you'll see people how how much distance they want to keep between themselves because

sometimes they are kind of living separate lives but yeah that's that's the poly side of it yes yeah no notes no no thank you i know i do know um that they're in in that kind of structure there can be hierarchical polyamorous structures and then there can just be kind of more of that level between the partners and there is definitely language and boundaries and rules um within within that type of relationship. Yep. All right. I feel like drum roll, maybe. No, monogamish. So monogamish is interesting, because how my college students tend to define it is not always how academia defines it, which is not always how other people define it. If I feel like I want to do it, if this is not monogamy, if you tell your partner that you are

monogamous and you decide to hook up with someone that is not monogamous that is cheating that is not and i know it's kind of a punch line like oh monogamous like my partner doesn't know then that's right that's different monogamous are people who tend to be in a primary relationship that is the only relationship they have but occasionally they'll open it up to maybe do some swinging or maybe to do some threesomes or maybe to explore a little bit but they will then close that back down it's not about forming relationships or having ongoing sexual relationships with other people it's it may be like a one night or one every i don't know one every month or whatever yeah um so it's it's about that keeping that relationship together and then occasionally

opening the doors to something new but not long term yes i uh want to point out that um you know you said if you the at the beginning the monogamy like if your partner thinks you're monogamous but you say you're monogamous like that's cheating um i think an important piece to point out there too is that you have now engaged your partner in uninformed consent yeah yeah that's and and we don't want to do that no no and i and i do think I feel like I want this is where I would normally stop and be like is everybody okay like are we all on board like Charlie are we all okay we are I I believe we're all okay yes because that's a lot that's a lot of information especially if you grew up learning through like mass media your family

your religious organization like your friends their relationships if you have been raised your entire life to believe that monogamy is the goal that's a lot of information so I guess pause us if you need to we're gonna move on but like normally this is where I would do a check-in with folks yeah um I would I would say too um that if you are you know if one of these non-monogamy structures, open, poly, CNM, or monogamyship, those kind of speak to you in a certain way, but you haven't explored it. There's a lot of self-check-in you need to do as you're exploring it as well, because there's a piece of this that is deconstructing what we've been conditioned to our entire lives up to the point where you start challenging some of these

things, not only for yourself, but as you're navigating your role in society and your participation in society. And so if you are exploring polyamory, you know, there's going to be, of course, absolutely check and communicate with your partners, but don't forget to check in with yourself and um and make sure kind of just do a self-assessment as much as you can and be honest with yourself because again you are deconstructing a lot of messaging that you have received in your lifespan up until that point and continue to receive not even up until that point right there are ways that um that monogamy is rewarded and revered still yep unless you were raised in a family where this was normal and kind of what you grew up with, because we are seeing

more and more kids who were raised in situations that didn't adhere to that traditional monogamy structure, whether it was communal parenting or an open relationship. So that's always interesting when you start to see children of something coming into adulthood and challenging that back and being like, well, no, that's not always what I was grown up with. But for the majority of us, that is what we were fed it's what we were fed again in mass media and essentially all aspects and we do there's a lot of legal protections for folks to get married um someone told me it was in like it was over 900 legal protections i don't i'm not a lawyer so something like 900 or over 900 legal protections for folks who are married that folks who aren't cannot get yeah um so when you

talk about rewarding. It's rewarding it legally. It's rewarding it financially. It's rewarding it socially. Yeah. Yeah. I want to go back to the communication piece. Yes, absolutely. I think that is the foundation of all relationship structures. That's funny. My students always joke that that's my answer to everything. By about week seven of the semester, they've heard me say that communication is key. And I think at one point it was like an extracurricular question on an exam what's my answer to everything but it's it's funny because when I talk to folks who are like oh like how do they make that work and that sounds so complicated and having multiple partners and like it can be especially as you're figuring it out it can be as things might change

when one person may suddenly not be okay with it or want to change boundaries but what I find with folks who are living in these relationships is they actually have way better communication than folks who are in monogamous relationships because they have to talk about these things they have to have conversations they have to you know look at their jealousy and am I getting jealous and is that an appropriate response I kind of hate that word appropriate yeah yeah is it a normal or expected response given the situation and how much do I need to deconstruct because I said this was okay and now I'm getting jealous and is that on me and um but what i find is folks who are who are living in open relationships or

non-monogamous relationships they they do tend to have better communication skills it's it's not i'm gonna say this and i know people who are monogamous relationships are gonna get really mad at me and that's okay um people who tend to be in monogamous relationships tend not to talk about something until it's a fight yeah they don't they don't have that conversation about a lot of things until it becomes a fight and then it's we have to fight our way through and then first have the conversation where a lot of folks who are in open and poly relationships they tend to have the conversations first and that i mean there may still be fights but um but yeah it's it's a different kind of world and it's one where you do have to have a lot of conversations about

things that may be very uncomfortable. Yeah. And a lot of recognition of boundaries and how sometimes those can change and, and being proactive in that communication. Like this is changing for me. And I, you know, an example, this is changing for me. I need to explore what that means. I need space or can you explore this with me or you know some some as an example yeah so go ahead it's funny because i when i talk about cheating in relationships primarily i do this primarily in my classroom i don't get asked to talk about cheating a lot in public spaces um when i talk about cheating there's always like oh yeah we understand what it is i'm like but but do you so we come up with like five to ten things that may be cheating or may not be cheating and suddenly

we're are as a class we're arguing about yes that's cheating and no that's not cheating if you're in a monogamous relationship you may not have that conversation until something happened and now you're arguing because you think they cheated and they think they didn't in an open relationship it may be a let's talk about our boundaries like you were saying let's talk about our boundaries let's be open about it and then let's also revisit it if something doesn't feel comfortable that's a lot and we don't teach people how to have those conversations a lot of people just kind of start fumbling their way through it yeah and if you're coming from a place of anger first it's a very different conversation and it's that much more difficult absolutely and if you're

someone who didn't grow up in um experiencing cnm or polyamory um and you're and then you're coming to it, there is, I want to just point out, there's a learning curve for being able to be open and communicative about these things. Because that isn't, again, kind of what we're necessarily taught broadly, or conditioned to about that proactive communication. So there is a learning curve for many people that come to these relationships, these alternative, non-traditional. non-traditional non-traditional relationship styles um kind of in their adulthood middle age there's a bit of a learning curve there so um i just want to i want to point that out that nobody it's rare that people get it right all the time so giving space for people to fumble a little

bit and learn i feel like we should say that about life it's rare for people a hundred percent It's weird for people to get it right the first time, whatever it may be. Yeah. But I just want to make sure that that space is made as well. Yeah. That acknowledgement. Did we finish language? I believe we finished.

Yeah. The language. I mean, I feel like language is going to be the thread throughout it. But yeah, we finished definitions. Okay, good. Because now we need to talk about what happens if you are in these relationships. And you have friends and family who do not understand them because now there's a whole nother layer. Like if I were to show up at a holiday with a partner, I mean, there might be pressure of like next step and all that.

You know, the fun things we do with people where we start talking about their sex lives without talking about their sex lives at family holidays. I love that. When are you having a baby? Why do you care about my sex life? So so if I were to show up with a partner at a family get together holiday, whatever it may be, it's there's there's because it is more of a I understand how this works. There wouldn't be a lot of pressure from friends and family. But if you show up with two partners or you show up with a different partner each time, but then the first partner keeps coming back every once in a while, however, that may be that can that can be really confusing. And so for some folks, rather than try to educate their friends and family, it's there's this, well, I need to keep it secret, not because I'm embarrassed, but because I don't want to have to go through all this crap with my friends and family. Because it's just easier to navigate. It is just sometimes easier to navigate what's going on in my life without sharing. And that sometimes puts a lot of pressure on the relationship because now you feel like you have to hide a piece of you.

and in a way that you may not have to if you have a socially acceptable partner because anyone who's anyone who's been raised in one way of thinking who starts dating someone who doesn't fit that mold whether it's a different gender whether different race different religion different baseball team whatever it may be if you're dating outside that norm you've already learned that that that can be really difficult to have to kind of defend this partner and defend your relationship that same kind of having to play defense often exists when we have we have friends and family who don't understand this who make assumptions about what it is who who kind of buy into all that stuff that they that we were talking about learning about monogamy and the value of monogamy

and so that can put an added stress on on relationships that i think we need to just going to put out there. Yeah, absolutely. No notes. No, I, there's not much there for me to add. I don't think, I think you put it very, very succinctly. You know, there is, there is that dynamic with your social circle, your family, biological or chosen, that, that adds, always adds a layer to any kind of relationship you have really. So what to do if you think you want to be in this kind of relationship? Well, first talk to your partner. Google it. No, I'm just kidding. Actually, I'm not against the Googling it here because there are a lot of support systems that are out there that you may not be able to find in your local community and or it may lead you

to supports in your local community that you would never have found, had you. So I'm actually not against the googling in here it's not like we're googling our diseases um don't google your diseases but but i feel like i feel like getting information on what it is and what it means to you if if you're not happy in a relationship because you just don't like your primary partner that's not going to get better by taking on additional partners and and i see that sometimes it's People who are in a relationship and they're like, well, I'm not happy, so we're going to invite some more people into this relationship. If you're not happy because of who you are and who they are and the relationship between the two, this is not going to save your relationship. Or if you're not happy because there's some need that hasn't been met or isn't being met, but don't know how to have that conversation or there's a fear of bringing up that conversation.

Because maybe ultimately you want to stay in that relationship. So you're just looking for other, I mean, I'll say band-aids in that situation. So I will echo you, Dr. Sue, bringing in more layers to that situation may not help. It kind of depends on what it is. Sure. Because if the need that's being met, not being met, is a sexual need, especially a very specific kind of sexual need, It may be that this could be the thing that helps. And I see this sometimes in relationships where one person is, I hate to say this, is sick.

They're sick. I have a friend who's doing this right now. She's undergoing cancer treatment. And she understands her husband has needs, but she's exhausted. And just she's battling cancer, but she understands her husband has needs. And so this is really awkward. I sometimes wish I could be a fly on the wall in my friends' conversations because I only hear about it afterwards. Right.

Sometimes I want to hear the whole thing. I know she has talked to him about having outside sexual relationships because at that moment she can't provide a need that he wants met. I don't know what's going to happen. I mean, I can try to update this later as things progress. But it can. So it depends on what it is. If your frustration with your primary partner is just, I don't like you very much anymore and I don't know how to say that, finding an external partner, finding a secondary partner, a satellite partner, none of that's going to help you. But if it's a specific, like, I want to do these things sexually or I want to experience this and you're not open to it, that can actually be a way of maintaining that primary relationship and having those separate needs met.

So I do want to kind of take away a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that's that's a great clarification. Yeah. And sometimes that's what drives it. I talk to a lot of folks who who who who enjoy things that may be a little atypical sexually. and and their partner's like cool I get it I'm never doing that like that's just not my jam but if you want to explore that either online and sometimes that's the first step is exploring it online and then maybe exploring it in person with someone else I'm okay with that as long as we set these boundaries and these these kind of rules so so again I think asking yourself why you might be open to it is really important i think it's i think there's going to be a lot of vulnerability

that has to happen those conversations um assuring your partner like no it's not that i don't want you anymore but i want these other things or i want to explore these other things um if your partner comes to you and says hey i might be i might be into this i think the normal thing for us to think is you're already cheating and now you're just trying to get my blessing or what's wrong with me or what's wrong with me or why am i not enough and so there's a lot of vulnerability there that can make some of these these conversations really difficult difficult for for everyone yeah um if it is something you think you might be interested and you think your partner might be interested in you know having those conversations and having them

repeatedly you know like i know we already talked about this but i want to revisit it or or setting up boundaries there are there are folks online where you can get a lot of information and support and depending on whether or not you're almost said if you're in a major city but that's usually if you're in a major city there's oftentimes groups where you can meet in person and meet other people who are kind of living these these relationships and talk to them about it so I think finding support from folks who are open to it because if you know that if you turn around and tell your parents, hey, I'm bringing home my two partners for the holidays and they're going to freak out, I would suggest finding people where you can have conversations with how did you navigate this and

how did, you know, help me understand how to function in the rest of the world because you've lived that life. And I think that finding those support systems can be really helpful. They really can. And they, you know, they help you find the language, understand the common language for the kind of relationship type that you're in, especially if it's a non-traditional type. You know, I, you know, personally, I have dated someone who was exploring polyamory and I consider myself open. And so having those conversations and then seeking out Googling and, and finding, you know, like the subreddit for the poly community so that I understood that language. And I started to get that vocabulary so that when we had these conversations,

we were using common language and that we understood what those definitions were together. Yeah. And that's something to explore too. If, if you have, if you start dating a partner um who has one relationship style and it's it doesn't um and you're okay with it but it may be not be your relationship style like navigating that as well you know there are there are situations where a poly person is dating a monogamous person and what those conversations so those um combinations are out there and can exist they can be a little bit more difficult but that's where this communication comes in and the understanding of the vocabulary and the language and the boundaries. And then understanding, again, I just want to bring

it back to self, understanding what your own personal boundaries are and navigating those. And if they change for you personally, communicating that those boundaries have changed for you or the conditions have changed for you so that it is a conversation and it isn't, it doesn't escalate to a fight to the point where it's tense and acrimonious. I don't know. Sure. But those are the things to consider, especially as we are seeing these non-traditional relationship styles become more mainstream than they have been. And I'm glad you brought it back to self because that's where I kind of wanted to bring this back as well if a partner says to you I want to do this and you don't you have every right to say this isn't good for me if you're

receiving pressure from a partner to do something like open up your relationship or have a monogamous relationship or whatever it may be if you're getting pressure from your partner in a way that doesn't feel good that might not be the right relationship for you with this partner now there There's a difference between someone saying, all the cool kids are doing it, and your typical pressure lines. There's a difference between someone saying, hey, I know we've never talked about this. It's something that I might be interested in. Would you be willing to think about it?

Let's have another conversation in the future about it. That may feel really attacking, like, what do you mean you want to open our relationship? What do you mean this is, like, I don't understand. We agreed. We were monogamous. is someone saying hey take some time think about it think you know do your googling talk to people there's a difference between someone saying that like hey I think I might want to explore this I want to talk to you about it like what questions you have or do you need some time versus we need

to open up this relationship that that's two different things and so um I do want to say that if you're ever in a relationship and you feel like you're getting pressure that's actually pressure not like hey i want to introduce this take some time and think about it that may feel like pressure i don't really read that as much a high pressure as if you don't open this i'm going to leave you because at that point okay with this or else right at that point that's not the relationship you thought you were in and it may be best for you to exit the relationship yeah so yeah yeah so um any any other final words yeah i just i think this is something where it's going to keep changing i mean you know if we revisit this topic in a year we we may have a different

kind of sense of of where we are as a culture and what's kind of acceptable but the the three i guess the two or three things i want to just revisit is is one it's okay to set your own boundaries and it's okay to take some time and think about it I don't I don't think anyone should ever have to give an answer on the spot of I want to open this relationship be cool like unless you've been thinking about it your answer is not going to be yes the the importance of the communication but also recognizing that you don't have this relationship in a bubble and so recognizing the impact that friends and family may have on that and maybe being kind of prepared to have those conversations and seeking support. But we, I mean, we may find in a year from now that

we're talking about this as way more mainstream. I mean, we don't really know what's going to happen and things do change. Yeah, absolutely. All right. Well, everyone, thank you for joining us on Unzipping Taboos, candid conversations about sex. We hope today's episode sparks some new thoughts. We'll open up conversations worth having. And remember, your curiosity is the key to breaking down barriers and embracing a healthier understanding of sex and relationships. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe, leave a review, comment, leave a comment on this episode if you have thoughts that you want to share with us or, you know, just kind of additional conversations around this topic or any episode really, please leave a comment.

Share it with someone who you think might need to hear this. And if you've got a question or a topic you want us to dive into, reach out to us via the link in the episode description. We want to give a shout out to Ali O'Brien for our incredible theme music. Thank you so much, Ali. And until next time, keep the conversation going and keep unzipping those taboos. Take care, everyone. Thanks for watching!