Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations about Sex - Taking a Beat: Self Care in the Middle of Hard News

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

In this episode, we pause.In response to recent current events, we made the intentional choice to set aside what we had planned and instead focus on care for anyone feeling heavy, activated, or emotionally overwhelmed right now. This is a conversation about how moments like this can land in our bodies, not just our thoughts.We talk about why repeated exposure to stories of sexual violence can be destabilizing, and why being compassionate doesn’t require taking in every detail. We discuss the importance of boundaries—around media, around sharing personal experiences, and around the quiet pressure survivors often feel to explain themselves. Protecting your mental health isn’t avoidance; it’s an act of care.We also sit with the anger and grief that can surface when harm feels ongoing and unresolved. Rather than trying to fix or rush past those feelings, we talk about how to make space for them without being consumed—through limits, support, and gentleness with ourselves.This episode isn’t about analysis or answers. It’s about slowing down, breathing, and remembering that you’re allowed to step back, ask for help, and take care of yourself. If you’re struggling, you’re not broken. You don’t have to carry it alone.If you need someone to talk to, RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 by chat and phone 24/7.If you’re looking for an online support group, try some of the resources from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.If you have a story, thoughts and/or a topic or question for Dr. Sue and Charlie please share your ideas here:  ⁠Show suggestions

All right. Hey, everyone. Welcome to Unzipping Taboos, candid conversations about sex with Dr. Sue and Charlie. We're here to explore the questions and topics you've always been curious about, but don't always feel comfortable asking out loud. No judgment, no shame, just open, honest conversations. So zip down and let's get candid. Today we're going to be unzipping.

It's very topical today. And we're really going to focus on self-care and supporting each other in the light of the latest Epstein Files release. So before we do that, Dr. Sue, would you like to give our listeners a little bit about your background before we get started? Yeah. So I have two degrees in health education because I really wanted to be a health teacher. and then you know man plan the gods laugh and uh i wound up getting a phd in human sexuality

education um and it's funny because i really want to tie it into what we're about to talk about with the release of the files and because it's not for me it's not about just the release of the files um i've had conversations like the ones we're going to have with people um during some supreme court um yeah judge confirmations like so this idea that some of what we do in the field of human sexuality can be traumatizing is really what we're going to be focused on today so please be warned um and be prepared and feel free to skip to another episode um or feel free to pause and come back as necessary yeah but it wasn't just this because i'm thinking about it now and even when i was starting my career as a health educator like violence in general or depression or suicide

or drugs and like there's so many topics that I had I that we cover in the field of health education that that can really be sensitive for folks I feel like I've been working in the space where we kind of unlock and sometimes by accident people's trauma um so I have a PhD in human sexuality education um by day I do the professor thing so I teach and I speak all over the place and I write textbooks and I'm sure I do a few other things and then in my spare time in all my spare time I do education on whatever sex topics people want me to talk about so I'll do work in the community I'll do work for physicians I'll do work for all sort of assisted living facilities like all over the place because I'm thinking interestingly no one's ever asked me to come in

and talk about this except for facilities adult with older folks because there was concern about consent with patients with dementia but other than that this is talking about sexual assault and harassment i do a lot of work on consent but we don't talk about this stuff a lot um yeah i think i'm going to keep that that's my whole bio that's not really yeah um sorry we're we're a little it's a little heavy today and we know that yeah um and i don't think either of us are really going to try to lighten the mood no i mean we'll laugh because that's what we do and that's my coping mechanism but right i was gonna say it's um it'll be uncomfortable laughs trying to release whatever rage um for those of you who do i feel like everyone should but are those of

you who do and do not know um our co-host charlie who opened the show for us um charlie is our curious co-host who is always ready to have those really tough conversations including this one um and not just about this though about all those taboo topics that we as a culture just get a little weird and stupid about yeah that's really it but more please just i want i want people to stop being stupid and weird about unless it's weird in a good way it's okay Yeah, I suppose. So I'm Charlie. I've been friends with Dr. Sue for many years. And one of the things that we did find was this kind of simpatico with conversations, not just based in Dr. Sue's expertise, but just about pretty much everything in life. um and i always am trying to understand why why why why am i operating this way in society is it because i'm choosing or is it because i've been conditioned to do certain things because i'm a

woman in society um and and then sometimes that curiosity brings you to the whys of some very dark things. Um, and, and that, but what I do find is that it lends itself to my empathy and, and it makes me a more effective listener, uh, and a more effective support resource. because if I'm coming at it from curiosity and trying to unpack, not justify, not excuse, not, but just trying to understand more, I find that I can meet people in their moments more effectively and more and have more of an impact in a supportive way in a, if they need to rage or whatever. Um, being curious really, really helps. So with that, yeah, we, uh, uh, all that listeners know that, uh, we started planning some episodes, uh, and the other night

I had asked Dr. Sue, should we do an episode on? And I couldn't get it out. I just couldn't. And it was a variety of things going through my mind. It was I don't want to catch Dr. Sue off guard with something heavy, because we'd had like a light session and post production on one of our episodes. So I don't want to catch Dr. Sue off and bring her down. And then I didn't want to necessarily unfurl like all the things that i'm feeling about it in that moment so it was a lot of internal self-editing um so uh dr sue in her infinite badassery was like i'm gonna write it down i'm trying to give you a guess what you're trying to say yeah and lo and behold she sure did um so here we are and really today we want to focus not on not on what's been revealed

but the impact it's having on those of us that are survivors that are empathetic sympathetic um people who support survivors go ahead decent human beings yeah people who choose not to be dicks yeah um so so this is actually really common for me and so i do a lot of work with sexual assault in the classroom like I talk about it we talk about consent we talk about the law and it's inevitable for me if I do that lecture on a Wednesday by the next Wednesday at least one student will be in my office talking about their experiences it doesn't fail it is the one thing I wish would stop in my career I sort of like I want them to get help and that's the problem um I just wish it I wish it wasn't happening not that they weren't talking to me

So I just want to clarify that. Yeah, yeah. I think just to add a little extra nuance, you don't wish that it would stop people coming to you. You wish that your class wasn't the first time they felt safe enough to come to somebody. Or that it had never happened to them in the first place. Well, that most importantly. So this happens to me literally once or twice a semester.

And then when there are major events, and the last one I'm thinking of was the Kavanaugh confirmation. I had friends reaching out, but I also had students from literally a decade prior who were reaching out to me and saying, this is bringing up a lot of stuff for me. I don't know how to handle it. And again, while I'm glad I'm a resource, it gets overwhelming. And so we were talking about how overwhelmed I was getting, but we thought we also wanted to acknowledge it because I think that's one of the things we need to do. And we wanted to give you some suggestions for how to deal with it, because whether you've like, like Charlie, like you said, whether you are a survivor or you're just an empathetic, sympathetic, decent human being, if you're, if you're, if you're having a reaction to this, it's, it's quite normal. And so we wanted to give you a little bit of resources and just really have that open conversation about it. yeah and i think also and if if you need this you don't i just want to lead off with you don't need

to read the the files to look at it all empathetic or sympathetic uh towards the survivors um or any survivor of sexual assault that that you know um not reading it is not denying that it happened and the horrific things that the victims went through um there there are ways that if you if you want to show up in the ways that you can for sexual assault survivors for for this space sometimes it means not reading the details or watching the images or yeah now with that said if someone comes to you and says i need to talk about what happened don't be like no you don't have to share if they want to talk let them talk yeah yeah but you don't have to you don't have to go through every second of i don't want to say every second you don't have to go through all

the details of the degradation to be able to be an empathetic person and you can support the survivors without having to know the details so if you find yourself looking at it watching it doing the things stop stop if it's upsetting you i would say stop if it's helping you in some way or it feels cathartic or whatever it may be do what you need to do maybe put a timer on it so it's not like you know this is this can be the worst kind of doom scrolling um i would call it an information diet like find your limits yeah right interact with if you're getting it from your social media feed put a time limit on it um and and resist the urge because it can be really easy to hyper focus on it especially when it's new when it's new information that's been released

and is in the news cycle 24-7 for however long until they move on to the next thing, it can be really tempting to listen to all the hot takes from the influencers and the outlets. So put yourself on a little bit of an information diet. Yeah, I went off social media. I had to for days because it was, yeah. So if that's how you have to deal with it, that's okay.

That is a healthy way of dealing with it. um can we talk about some of what my people might be feeling yes yeah um so depending on whether you're a survivor um victim survivor i don't want to get into the nuance of that language however you're naming yourself or you have you know someone who went through this or you're just a decent human being who's getting upset um for those who are victims and survivors you may very well be having flashbacks if that is happening i'm going to strongly encourage you to talk to someone about this because that is not something you can really get yourself through. We are going to put a link to RAINN, R-A-I-N-N, in the description. They do have folks that you can

talk to, chat with. They also have quick exits. So if you're typing with someone from RAINN and someone walks in and you don't want them seeing it, you can quick exit out and it won't be in your history. That kind of PTSD flashback is really not something you're going to be able to work yourself through. And I admire the, I can do this, but you can't on your own for that. you may be noticing a loss of appetite you may be having sleep disturbances especially if you're reliving things in your dreams all of that is is quite normal I would and even if you like went through therapy afterwards you can just go get a checkup a therapy checkup or therapy check-in however you know or tuna I've heard people call them tune-ups you can go back without thinking

that you have to go back forever like some people may be like I put that part of me behind you you know that part is behind me now um it's okay to go back and if especially if you had something that worked for you back then um for a lot of us though again victim or survivor or just empathetic human being there's a lot of anger and the anger may be coming out at people around you you may find yourself being very snappy um you may find yourself getting very irritated very explosive like maybe you're normally not a road rage person but someone like half cut you off and you're about to fly off the handle it really didn't have anything to do with the with the person who was driving in front of you it was this is this is hard to put down and walk away from so it may

be getting in the way all the time and there's a lot to get angry about there is there is I just I just really want to highlight in this episode that it is there is space for all the ways that you feel you need to keep yourself informed but keep yourself mentally healthy or as healthy as possible um if you are if you're in that decent human being column um and then if you are a survivor or a victim just if it feels overwhelming find those resources um like rain or if you had a therapist or another support person um that really understands and helps you just to do a check-in yep do a check-in like right now is critical for these self-care tactics yeah and self-care is going to look well i want to i want to go back to the anger for a second

yeah if that's okay because that's yes please that's that's my comfort feeling um there's going to be anchored a whole lot of different things here and so sometimes it may help to name what it is that you're angry about it could be that you're angry that this kind of thing happened for years years to girls so the fact that this exists i mean when that happened with the with the woman from france i i'm blanking on her name the woman whose husband arranged for her to be raped right like when you hear about these kinds of atrocities it's you're angry that it's happening you're angry because they really they accidentally released the names of the of the girls but are protecting the people who did the crimes so there's anger at the justice system and how that's working

and for some people it's a built-on rage of something that may have happened to you where something similar happened your name was released but not that but they were trying to protect the person that happened to you may be angry at how it's being spun in the media there is no such saying is sex with an underage woman that is rape that is a child and i'm not going to say girl because i feel like when i say girl it's it's interchanged it's yeah people it it can be interpreted interchangeably and that's not it's sex with a child child period and and the fact that we're spinning the not way but the fact that the language is being spun to try to minimize it may be maybe the thing that pissing you off and you may never know which piece of it may be all

of it you may never know which piece of it is doing is pissing you off but it may help you if you can figure out what that part is that's driving you the most into rage and maybe avoid those pieces and one of the things that someone brought up to me recently was well we know it's still happening like there's no way that these things just shut down like the party didn't shut down and no one took its place so there's this idea that these things are still happening and possibly we're probably on the same scale and we just don't know about it yet so what happens in 10 20 years from now try not to go down those rabbit holes if you can avoid it um there will always unfortunately be bad in the world so so try not to i would advise you to not try to think that because it

is a very hard rabbit hole to get out of it's true yeah and i think one of the things um that many people might feel many decent human beings might feel is a hyper vigilance and especially the way that this particular atrocity is being fed to us i'll say this this trickle release right um so so you're all we're always almost always in this mode of okay what what am i gonna have to what am i going to read or encounter today surrounding this or any other sexual assault reporting or violence reporting um and then that's gonna it's that hyper vigilance like kind of almost always always being drawn to those stories and those events and um and that's where the information

diet approach can help or limiting your social media or finding other outlets or breathing exercises as minimal as that can sound, those things can help because your brain is working to protect you physiologically. And to help, there's also a piece of your brain that can help you reset and so trying to be mindful of when you are encountering the state of hyper vigilance of this constant fight flight or freeze like that's that's going to be um helpful so limiting your exposure to some of this information um and interacting with some of this information may help. Yeah. And for some of us, we were already on edge before this stuff happened and for the files released with everything going on in Minnesota and the violence across the

country. And we were already on edge. And so this might be the one thing that pushed you over. And especially if you're a victim or survivor, if you're like, you don't understand why now. Like I've seen stories in the news over the years. It's never been the thing that put me over the edge. these are not normal times these are absolutely not normal times so if you have been paying attention to anything in the media even if it didn't relate to the epstein files there was still plenty to be angry about there was still violence that we were witnessing depending on where you were getting your media because a lot of the major news outlets are not covering what's really happening but a lot of what we're seeing in social media um boots on the ground there's a lot

of violence that we've been seeing so for for some of us we were already we were already we were already not okay yeah so if suddenly you're like i don't understand like i was able to handle a recent experience and that was okay these are not normal times um and i need you to cut yourself some slack so yeah yeah yeah and i think also it in that journey of cutting yourself some slack and understanding, uh, where you're heightened, uh, awareness, hypervigilance maybe is like, try if you can in all the bandwidth that you have with all of this. And I say that facetiously, um, try to figure out what your boundaries are because many times it's not just interaction with news and information. Um, I'm, I'm giggling, uh, because Dr. Sue bent down to write something

and she disappeared. So for those of you that were, that aren't watching that, that was that giggle. Um, it's okay. Um, but going back to it a lot of times, so we can limit what, right. We can limit our consumption of media, the different media outlets and this information, but many times we can find ourselves in conversations with people in our circle family friends workmates whomever if you play a recreational sport you know your team members um and so there could be a moment where you say you know what guys i i am not i can't be a part of this conversation i can't engage with this i am at capacity or whatever however you want to word it But I think there's also, that's also important to realize is that it's not just you choosing to, or getting the information from outlets, it's not, that's not going to be the only avenue that you may have to interact with this information.

So finding the words to express your boundaries, if these conversations pop up, or if someone tries to engage you in a conversation around this, and you don't want to. you find find the ways that are comfortable for you to say that like this is a boundary for me right now yeah i'm really i'm really trying to take care of myself yeah and and if you if you're having issues with flashbacks it may be things that are triggering you that aren't aren't language and that but that's a great point that this may be coming up in social situations there may be smells or sounds or just random memories that are coming up for no reason so if if it catches you unawares um yeah i don't usually just be like go talk to a health professional but please go consider talking to a mental health professional um but just know that you may never

see it like you may be like all right i don't think i want to stay in this conversation but it also might be that you turned around you smelled something and now wham you're right back in a memory um so even if you thought you were past it that this is this is unfortunately normal given the situation that's happening and and that grace piece right if you thought you were past it it's okay that it's triggering it as as Dr. Sue has said several times um already is that it's normal it's normal even if it's been years since something has surfaced these feelings these memories it is normal because your brain recognizes something and it doesn't and it's a you know it's just kind of like um electrical signals in your brain and it doesn't have the

full context yep organize it so your brain's going into okay we've got to protect ourselves again yep and that's normal i'm just gonna keep saying that it's i know we really we're gonna keep this short because if you this is a heavy topic for anyone to get through and if you're still with us hopefully you're taking care of yourself as you go through it but we wanted to deliberately keep this short um so i would like to do a little bit of self-care and then we can wrap it up okay yeah um self-care is going to be sounds so stupid it's going to be about yourself and i can't give you an answer of what's going to help um isolating to a degree might be helpful to get away from random conversations to get away from accidental media to get away from whatever it may be there

is a there is a place where you can be too isolated so i'm going to encourage you to find that boundary if withdrawing from some people or some situations feels healthy for you right now that's fine but don't withdraw from everything it's it's too easy to get lost um same thing with staying busy like if if staying busy helps you to feel like you're doing something that's great but don't be so busy that you don't give yourself time to feel some of these feelings because if they they're not going away you can be as busy as you want to be they're going to show back up because your brain wants to deal with it um i know people whenever we do self-care people like go outside and touch grass and like a it's freezing and b i'm a city kid that brings me no

joy um so find the thing that you would do for you if it means taking time take time if it means cleaning the entire house clean the entire house if it means not doing chores don't do chores you need to give yourself a grace period right now to figure out what works best for you journaling may be good for you if you hate journaling don't do that um i i just people will come to me whatever the situation be like give me a list of self-care i'm like i don't know you well enough to give you self-care what do you like i don't know what you want um i will tell you right now that as long as you are not causing harm to yourself and you are not completely isolating that i would give you a little grace to do what may not feel great if you are on a very

strict diet but you want that ice cream have the damn ice cream they would take care of yourself right now um this is going to be a journey and i'm i just realized i'm just getting angry again because i just realized something that when we write this up and we go to put it on spotify it's going to ask if this is appropriate for people over 18 yeah so now i'm under 18 yeah over under 18 so now i'm all pissed off again um there are going to be little things and this happens to me this has been happening to me for weeks now like i feel like i'm getting through my day and i'm good and then all of a sudden i'm mad and i don't know why and it's usually because of a comment that was made or something i'm thinking about or a memory or you know reliving

it with people contacting me or i just just give yourself some grace you don't have to be perfect ever we're humans we're supposed to fuck shit up like that's what we that's what we do yeah give yourself a whole lot more grace right now but if you are having flashbacks if you are not sleeping if you are not eating that is not okay that that i'm not giving you a buy-on um so we're going to give you the list for rain i would encourage you to talk to a mental health professional if you have someone you like or you have someone you've worked with great if you want to do a support group you don't even have to do it locally because i know some people are like i don't i live in a small town i don't want to do a local support group there are support groups online please don't

go through it by yourself that's the only thing i'm going to ask you not to do and please don't do anything so destructive to yourself you can't recover some ice cream is not going to make you not recover well unless you're lactose intolerant but don't don't make dangerous decisions right now Yeah. And I want to add on to that. If you do need to withdraw a little bit or isolate, find a person that you trust and say, you know what, I put this message on my social media, but I'm going to reach out to you and I'm going to check in with you. Do you mind checking in with me? And it's, and it could be someone that knows enough of, of your circle to say, no, no, they're, they're, they're fine. Yeah. I talked to them.

Um, so find, find that kind of, I don't know, social circle liaison, I'll call it, um, thank you. Um, so that, so that it can help minimize like all the, I haven't heard from you. I haven't heard from you. I haven't heard from you, which can also feel overwhelming and a little bit like, God damn it. I'm just trying to take care of myself and now I gotta, now I'm absorbing that because I'm letting you down because I'm not responding to you. So just maybe find a person or two, max two people

depending that can, that can help navigate and mitigate some of those. I haven't heard from you in like five days. Yeah. And then also on the flip side, if, if you know someone's struggling and they're like hey i need some time respect the boundary that's a consent issue for and for someone who may be dealing with issues where consent and boundaries were really ignored the worst thing you can do is violate that that consent and boundary issue so if someone says to you hey i'm taking a week i'll be back in a week i'm turning off my phone i'm only doing work call whatever it may be if you cross those i want you to think about it if you are crossing those with someone who is a rape victim survive sexual assault survive however we want whatever happened

when their agency was taken away and now you are violating their sense of boundary you are making it worse so check yourself in that process please yeah and and if you if you hear that and you go well how am i supposed to know if they're okay after a week if they say that if they give you a timeline you say okay is it okay if i text you or call you in five days or whatever timeline they're asking for so you get the consent yeah yeah because right now people regaining that agency people being able to establish boundaries their consent being respected is always important but more important now so just take people at their word if they tell you they need some space give them some space yeah and don't demand details they'll give them to you and yeah don't

don't demand the why well why do you need space why are you upset did something happen none of your business no none of your business yeah if they want to share it say yeah i can listen but if they say i just need some space for reasons that i'm that i may tell you later i just can't right now you say okay yep can i check in with you in x amount of days yeah there you go we just need to have empathy for each other now more than ever but please do not suffer in silence no that's that's my last thing i think i'm really angry about the whole idea of how we're gonna have to write this thing up i bet anger is okay for me though it's good it's grounding so if you have made it to this point in this episode i want to

thank you for joining us on this episode of unzipping taboos it was it was a heavy one and a little bit of a quick one but that's also there was a lot of weight in this episode and so that with that we hope that today's episode maybe sparked some thoughts will open up conversations that, that you may be willing to have or not. And that remember this, this ending sentence doesn't feel quite fitting for today's episode, but do remember that your curiosity is, and while I said it in my introduction, your curiosity is the key to breaking down barriers and embracing a healthier understanding of sex relationships and the people around you. If you enjoyed the show, If you got valuable things from this show, if this, some part of this show, this particular

episode helped, um, please subscribe, leave a review, share it with someone who you feel or know may need to hear this. And if you've got a question or a topic you want us to dive into, please reach out to us via the link in the episode description. As Dr. Sue said, we will be posting some support links like RAINN, R-A-I-N-N in the episode description. and uh and yeah thank you i want to thank ellie o'brien for our incredible theme music thank you so much ellie and until next time keep the conversations going keep unzipping those

taboos and everyone please please take care of yourself Thanks for watching!