Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations about Sex - Talking the Talk: Empowering Parents in Sex Ed Conversations

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

In this episode, we tackle the often-daunting role parents play in sex education. We explore the fears many parents face—like not having all the answers, accidentally "giving permission," or losing control of the conversation—and offer practical strategies to build confidence. From acknowledging gaps in knowledge to being an approachable resource, we share how parents can navigate these sensitive conversations with empathy and openness. We emphasize the importance of clarifying personal values, respecting bodily autonomy, and adapting to each child's unique experiences. Join us for actionable advice, recommended resources like amaze.org, and insights to help you strengthen your connection with your child as they grow. Whether you're a parent, educator, or curious listener, this episode offers a thoughtful approach to fostering understanding and breaking down barriers in conversations about sex and sexuality. If you have a story, thoughts and/or a topic or question for Dr. Sue and Charlie please share your ideas here: ⁠Show suggestions If you want to ask Dr Sue a sex question for the weekly Q&A you can submit it here: Ask a question

Hey everyone, welcome to Unzipping Taboos, candid conversations about sex with Dr. Sue and Charlie. We're here to dive into the topics of sex and sexuality that you might be curious about, but don't always feel comfortable talking about. No judgment here, just open, honest conversation. So zip down and let's get candid. Today is another listener request, requested topic. Today we're going to talk about parents as teachers in the sex ed space.

But before we dive into that, hey, Dr. Sue. Hey, Charlie. How's it going? Going well. I'm excited for today's episode. How about you? Yeah, I am. I'm excited. Although I'll be honest, I struggled a little bit with what I bring to the table for this conversation. So this will be an interesting journey together. So full transparency to our listeners. I am only an auntie. I am not a parent. So this will be a fun journey with you, Dr. Sue. But before we get into all of that, you want to tell our listeners a little bit about yourself and your background? Sure. So I have been working primarily in academia and, oh,

I'm trying to figure out how to tailor this. So I always try to tailor the background. One of the things that I do now is I actually teach future health teachers how to teach health. That was a lot. Did that make sense? That made sense. Everyone take a drink every time she said health um and so one of the things that we have to talk about is kind of the role of parents and how parents get involved and how parent you know opt-in versus opt-out policies and all of that and so i've been working i do work with parents um we've done live events with parents we've done live events with parents and children at the same time so i've been doing i work primarily in academia and right now i'm training health educators and a lot of what's kind of happening

and how they're going to work with parents, but I've also done a lot of work with parents in the community about their challenges as parents talking to their kids about sex and their concerns. A lot of times what has people contact me, what has groups contact me, especially for parents, is that something happens in the community. And so a lot of it's like coming in and trying to, like,

everybody take a breath and, like, let's talk about how we move forward. So, yeah, so that's me. that was a little bit of background, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. So for those of you who don't know, Auntie, is that what you said before? Yes. Yeah, I don't know. That's not how I pronounce that. But Auntie Charlie. No, I'm just kidding. For those of you who don't know Charlie, she is our Curious co-host who is ready to explore the ins and outs of sex, relationships, all those taboo topics we talk about. And I think this is definitely one of those taboo topics is kind of parents and kids and sex. But before we dive into it, you want to tell us anything else about you?

Sure. Dr. Sue and I have been friends for many years. And as many returning listeners know, we talk about all manner of things candidly with each other. And the opportunity to join Dr. Sue on this podcast as her co-host was a welcome opportunity because I enjoy challenging taboos and expectations, especially expectations, perceived expectations put on me as a woman in society. And so this is my fun little way of protesting those expectations. I love it. Um, and it's always enlightening for me. So, um, I really enjoy this. And I, as I said, uh, before I, I said full transparency, but I should have said candidly to be candid. I am not a parent, but I am an aunt and I have memories of my experience as a child with my parents surrounding

this. So I guess I do have a perspective or two to bring to this conversation today. um there might be a lot of throwing both of our parents sets of parents under the bus so perhaps yeah we'll just again we'll see where the journey takes us see what happens so when we were talking about this episode before uh we hopped on our lovely microphones um we we were thinking about our you our listeners especially since we have listeners request this topic. And then trying to think about kind of the spectrum of listeners. We likely have first-time parents who are maybe getting ready to be parents or just became parents that, kudos to you, are already thinking about how to broach this and when that might be or should be necessary.

Then we have parents who have toddlers to young children and parents experiencing the beauty of pre preteen and puberty. Wonderful, the wonderful challenge to your sanity during puberty. Yeah. So really, what we're hoping is to kind of give a tidbit or two or perspective to help you navigate when and and what you could and should talk about with your children surrounding sex and sex health. And for those of you that are returning, we, we do have an episode on the state of sex education, where in that episode we touched on, I had asked Dr. Sue, okay, when, when does, when should it start in schools? And really what we talked about was like preschool and kindergarten, because sex ed is not education about the act of sex. Yep. Right,

dr sue yeah absolutely what is it it's it's all of the things that go into it and not to harken back harken really not to harken back in days of yore uh we also did an episode on the circles of sexuality where we talk about all those different things that go into it and you can start talking about boundaries with very young children like not your toy don't take or um germs like i get this question all the time oh well you know you're talking about stis and like ideally we would talk about stis with kids as they start to think about becoming sexually active but the concept of germs we already do this we teach kids how to cover their mouth well they don't always cover their mouth but but when we talk to them about covering their mouth that is talking about germ and and

disease prevention when we talk about washing hands when we talk about not coughing in people's faces when we don't they're gonna get to it personal thing has nothing to do with sex actually um i have issues when kids are like i have 100 attendance in my entire career i'm like like like academic career i'm like great so you went to school all the time sick and like expose other people um but learning not to expose others to something you might have so staying home when you are sick or staying home when you have the flu and like that's germ theory And that's, if you can get people to understand how disease is transmitted, that's like the first step in teaching about, well, first of many steps in teaching about STIs later on in life. And so it's it's teaching everything about gender roles. And I know there's been a big backlash about. I don't think I want to name the company because I don't think it's the one company, but I've seen a lot of stuff on on social media about parents getting really angry about the messaging on clothing for infants about like, do you know what I'm saying?

i'm watching your face and i don't so it's like it's it's the whole like watch out girls here comes a heartbreaker on oh yes yeah on things for boys or or just like these really traditional gender role clothing and really traditional gender role toys and really traditional so so sex ed ideally is going to cover everything from boundaries to personal space to your own values and that's something i talk to parents about a lot is have you sometimes it's about talking about values that are important in the family unit or in the religious structure or the cultural structure it's going to include things like germs and it's going to include things like gender roles and it's going to include things like personal touch and where your boundaries i know i keep saying

boundaries a lot that's a it's a big thing that's so important it's it's really important and something we do a lot of teaching of that's not your toy or you can't bite them because they didn't let you play with them like that's yeah yeah i think i don't necessarily say those words to college students so sometimes i feel like i should like you can't you can't don't don't bite people if they don't tell you what but go ahead sorry um well and the other thing that i want to throw out to for our listeners especially listeners who are parents or becoming parents is that you don't have to be the expert and have to and have to have the perfect words or the perfect phrasing and part of the hope with this episode as well is that it makes maybe you know

when you get that notice from your child's school that this is what they're going to cover on a certain day it maybe makes it a little less scary to you because you now have maybe a more comprehensive um understanding or perspective of what sex at what it means when academia when schools are saying sex ed right um and and that when your child come comes home from that day and has questions or just is like trying to process what they what they saw that you are not you feel less intimidated or anxious about having that conversation in in kind of a neutral space for you a mentally neutral space so it's not so scary for your child as well yeah and I think that's one of the the really big challenges for parents is that there's a lot that's changed in

this world around sex and sexuality and i know it's kind of like really like what's changed in sex um thinking about when you and i were in school versus today um we've we've changed names of things like it's no longer stds it's stis and um we've changed the names of condoms we don't call them male and female condoms. We call them external and internal condoms. There's new contraception. I don't know how far some of these kids' schools are going, but if they're getting into contraception, there are methods that were not available 20 years ago when these parents may or may not have had sex ed. There's different slang terms that are being used. There's period underwear. I know you and I were having this conversation right before we went on that I have

a friend whose daughter was having her period and it was like, oh, she can't go out. She can't do anything it was it was a little archaic in the way it was being presented and I'm like just just period underwear or period bathing suits and my friend was just kind of like what what you're talking about period underwear and period bathing suits didn't exist when the parents of today were in school and so I think some of the fear and I think you nailed it that there's this fear that parents aren't going to be experts and they're they kind of see that as their role is to teach their kids everything part of it is acknowledging what you don't know and and you don't even know sometimes what you don't know right so so we want to acknowledge that there's a lot that's changed

i i think i may have mentioned this like in that episode on sex ed i i mean i think ideally that if a kid's school is going through sex ed like there should be a parent version of that class that starts like three weeks before so the parents are ahead but they know what the kid is being taught and they have that language i mean i've people have asked me to do a sex ed class for adults and if i really thought people would like jump into it i would happily design one that we could do if hey if you're interested out there let me know um yeah they were like i'd love to take a sex ed class i'm like okay what if i design it and then it's like the candid conversations roadshow right i would absolutely do that and it could totally be on whatever we could do it a bar

for all i care um but i do think i do think that's that's part of the fear is that the parents are like but I don't know everything and you don't and you can't because you your experience with sex ed was probably lacking and you don't know what these kids you don't know the changes because you haven't had to be up on it so you don't you don't know what you don't know and I understand that could be really scary and so that's where I think that maybe doing some education for the parents is really important. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. All right. So with all of that preface, yes. Dr. Sue, if you had to come up with, let's say the top three reasons why parents are afraid or anxious or, ooh, trepidatious, ooh, look at you with the big

word, to talk with their children about sex education and sex health, what would those be? I'm writing them down. Hold on so I don't forget. Okay. um I think the first one is the one we just talked about there's that fear of a kid's gonna say something be like ask a question about something and you're gonna the parents are gonna be like I don't I don't know what that is like when I was in school genderqueer was not a term at all uh when I was in school you know way back when like before written like Now, when I when I was when I was in school, we only talked about we didn't make a differentiation between sex and gender.

And now we do. And it was we only talked about male and female. And now we know that that's not what life looks like, that life gives us a variety of genders and sexes. And so I think I think the big fear for a lot of parents is this. Well, I'm supposed to be this person who knows everything. If that's how you view yourself as a parent. and so I think the first is that challenge to well you don't know it all and so I think that the fear of not having the right answer or even knowing what your kid is talking about is scary for a lot of parents and so that might make them hesitant to to have some of those

conversations so parents take that pressure off yourself I'm just going to throw that out there there's already enough you don't need to pressure yourself to be the end all be all expert for your child and I think would you would you um also add that maybe part of that fear is their own attitudes towards sex and sex health depending on their upbringing and their kind of social circles and and influences yeah absolutely so if if what your child is asking about challenges your values that can also be scared although to be honest with you i feel like for some of those parents that's like a safer ground like we don't believe in that or like that's not what we learn so we're not going to kind of wander into that so i feel like in some ways that could actually be

safer if it's based off their own attitudes i think that part of the fear is when the kids starts asking questions that makes you challenge what you know and challenge what you think so yeah um yeah that's interesting that it that that you say it could be a safer realm um yeah that's just that i'm gonna i'm gonna absorb that for a minute because the thing that i would i would maybe challenge that with is um If that's where, you know, how you've modeled your family, if your child is curious, they're going to go find the information. Yes.

Because there is this thing called the internet. And friends and word of mouth. And so the avoidance, I think, is what I would caution against. Yeah. If they're asking, try to receive it as openly as possible because it will likely catch you off guard. But try not to shut them down if you want to be the person that they feel comfortable coming to with these questions, right? Right. And I think that's the second you asked for three.

I did. I did. I did. So I think that kind of leads us really well into my second. And you haven't even been looking at my sheet. Nice. it's like we rehearsed it but we didn't but we didn't actually not this one one of the things that i think is really frustrating for parents is that it was never really

modeled for them how to have these conversations and i want to make sure that you're everyone's hearing that i'm putting an s at the end of that that it's not it's not the talk and that's the problem is we we joke about having the talk a singular event right and it's it's not a singular event it's a series of conversations it's about making yourself a parent who's approachable it's about making your your relationship with your kids whether they're your blood kids or your your guardians of those kids and i just want to make sure that we're saying parents but we do mean parents and guardians and aunties i just not trying to make fun of that word this isn't how i pronounce it um but but for it's about making yourself that that person that the kid feels

like they can come to. It's about making yourself available. It's about making yourself vulnerable to have conversations that you may not be comfortable with. It is a series of, I am here, I will not judge you, I will help you find the answer if I do not know. For some parents, they may not be willing to do this, but saying, I don't know, which is, I think, a great thing to model to children that sometimes you don't know things, but I can find out the answer or let me ask around and see what i can learn myself but it's not if you're thinking you're going to have one talk and be done you don't even do it because nothing's going to happen in that talk so it's about a series of conversations and it's about being the it's about being that adult that the

kid feels like they can talk to and i think that that's the problem is that we never had that modeled i didn't have it i'm sorry parents if you're listening if you're listening um but if they're definitely not after this episode um i mean it was i was given a book i was literally given a book i didn't even get a talk i was given a book and the book was called what's happening to me and that was it there was no like oh if you have questions like come talk to me like this was this was something that we weren't we didn't have conversations about and so moving into adulthood myself and figuring out how to have those conversations with children like it's hard because we didn't learn how we were never a lot of us it was never modeled for us how to have those

conversations and so we can't even draw on our own experiences to be like ah okay yeah this is what my parents did and it worked really well so let me repeat it so I think there's the I'm not the expert and I don't really even know how to do this so I think those are two of the reasons and I would add as well maybe we didn't have it modeled but there can be you know there there are these things that i see on instagram occasionally it's like you know be be the woman the little girl and you needed yeah and and i would throw that out be try to be the adult that you were looking for when you were curious scared overwhelmed by what was happening or anything like that try try to recall how you had hoped to be received in those moments with the with those

questions and whatnot you know I I can recall an experience I had as you know as a high school student with my first boyfriend and I mentioned something to one of my parents and I get I'm not your best friend don't talk to me about that so this is where you're part I mean I'm your parent I'm your parent not your best friend don't talk to me about that that's gonna say if if if your parents watch the show I think that listen to the show this is the last one they listen to as well I actually agree with that a little bit the idea of I'm not your I'm not your friend and and I know I'm gonna piss a lot of my friends off when I say this um because a lot of my friends have that like oh my kid's my best friend your kid doesn't need another best friend your kid needs

an adult to be a role model that's approachable so I kind of agree with that I agree with the the I am not your best friend right totally do not agree with the shutting down because it wasn't it wasn't me trying to be gossipy it was I just had an experience I don't know how to process it um and it was it was a consensual experience it wasn't a scary experience but and even then whatever experience right I had an experience you're the only person that I know of and I see you as as a resource because you're you're my parent you're an adult um so it was the shutting down it wasn't more i wasn't devastated that this that they said they weren't my best friend because they weren't right they were my parent and and i think

not to defend your parents i'm going to just a wee bit totally not just because i just because i'm trying to win them back after you piss them off no um i think i think that was masking fear and 100 percent yeah and a lack of knowledge of how to do that themselves so by saying I'm not your I'm not your best friend I'm your parent you could see kind of it that's a lot of like I don't know what I'm doing so I'm just going to lash back out yes yeah yeah yeah so it's It's, you know, I think many of us may have those types of memories and, and maybe some more severe memories surrounding it. You know, it's not always that I'll say peaceful when a parent or a guardian or an adult in

your life can be scared of new information or acknowledgement of your changes, the child's changes um so understanding where you are with either what you saw modeled or not modeled how you were received and any trauma associated with that yeah i think a really big thing i know there's a big argument of like we shouldn't teach values in school and well that could be a conversation for a whole nother day because i think we do well i mean that's a subjective term Right. Like because we do teach values. We teach you to respect each other's spaces and respect each other's things and everyone. Raise your hand. Right. So like when we say we don't teach values in school, we do. We do a lot of values. Look at any school's mission statement and there's values inherently in those. but when it comes to sexuality i agree that we don't we shouldn't be giving people values like well here's the value you should have but i think one of the things that's gotten lost because we've

gotten so afraid of teaching values education in schools is that it shouldn't be teaching values it should be teaching values clarification what are your values where did those come from do they still serve you and if they do fantastic and if they don't that's important to know as a parent or guardian you have the ability to set those values for your family that's part of what you do and and there's an aid when kids are young they don't their brains aren't developed enough to understand values and where they come from and what these are they will simply mimic what their parents are telling them they will they will they will uh there's a word i'm looking for and i'm it's gone but they will emulate sure but they will but they were like you ask them a value

about something and they don't have the cognitive wherewithal to figure out what they believe they just repeat what their parents say that's that's your job as parents is to give them some of those values and so in order to do that i think it's important i think it's really important that parents understand what their values are around these things. And it's, I'm sorry, that long pause was not dead air. It was me thinking, and I know you can't see my thinking face at home or wherever you're listening. I think it's hard for parents to confront that and think about what are the values I want to give my kids. For some of them, it's really easy. What are my values? What are the values I want to pass on to my child? And how do

i demonstrate those values how do i live those values yeah all right that is that is one of your job as a as a parent or guardian is is to give them a set of value system now they may turn their back on you you know they they may move out of your house and be like screw you none of your values work for me but it's your job as a parent i think it's your job as a parent to give them that values those that structure and it may be and i know we said this at the top of the show it may be within a religious aspect it may be within a cultural aspect but that is your job is to give those to your child yes number three oh crap um yeah and this actually goes um i have this the same conversation with with with people who are becoming teachers and also with parents

when it comes to drug education because sex is not the only sensitive topic that hopefully we cover in schools it's the fear it's the fear of what is my kid gonna ask me right so when I tell when I tell parents and I work with parents about how to have those conversations with your kids around drugs it's like well what do I do if my parent if my kid asks me well when did you start drinking um you know when was the first time you got smashed and i think that there is a fear for parents when it comes to sex stuff what if my kid asked me a personal question and that is your right as a parent to put down a boundary and say i appreciate you asking that question we're not really talking about me right now we're talking about you it was

a different time back then it was you know we didn't know what we whatever you want to say we didn't know what we knew then you know blah blah blah but as a parent and at a best friend and not a best friend you have that right to say this this topic is off limits and that's actually a great way of of demonstrating how to maintain a boundary but i think there's a real fear there of of what if my kid asked me about this what if my kid ever asked me did i get someone pregnant or what if my kid ever asked me if i had an sti or um i think there's that fear and i think that the fear of not knowing how you're going to answer is part of why parents shy away from some of these conversations fear of not knowing how you'll answer or if you are a parent who is comfortable

answering maybe fear of that giving them permission absolutely yeah if I say this is something I did it's like oh well adult did it so I can repeat it yeah or you did it when you were 16 and look at me i waited till i was 18 or something like that you know yeah yeah so i think all right yeah i think it's all of those things and i think they're all really good reasons to be afraid of having some of these conversations i think they can all be overcome but i do think that there there's a legitimate fear no one gives you a book i mean i know there are parenting books there are a thousand and parenting books um and websites and youtube videos and and everyone's got a theory and but but at the end of the day there's no step by step this is how you do this and i think this is

one of those things especially because we as a culture are so uncomfortable talking about sexuality that we definitely aren't having these conversations with parents about okay so here's how you you know here's how you talk to your kids about sex and here's when you start doing it and here's a curriculum. Because would you dare to say the taboo gets perpetuated? Absolutely. There's that taboo. Thank you for making that full circle for us. You're welcome. That's why I'm here. One of many reasons. One of many reasons, my friend. So in that, so we've identified kind of the top three. And just a moment ago, you said that you do think that there are ways to overcome these things. Um, so what are some key slate, key

takeaways or like key, not key takeaways, cause we're not rolling midway through the episode. We're not going away yet. Um, but what are some of those, um, those tactics? What are some ways that, that you, when you have these classes with parents, um, what are some of the highlights of those things that they can take home with them to start to feel more comfortable, confident, less anxious, um, surrounding these conversations and, and would you tie them to where they are in their parent guardian journey, depending on the child's age? That's a lot for one question. I think I forgot the beginning of it. What are some of the key tactics?

So some of the things to think about are one is increasing your knowledge, especially if you're hearing terms that you're not familiar with. If you have no idea what the term genderqueer means, you can educate yourself. There are places to do it. You can always submit questions to me directly as HeyDrSue or questions to the show. we love that we're finally at a place where we're answering people's direct questions or addressing comments so there's ways to get information if someone says to you period underwear and you're like what the hell is period underwear get online do some research on that and by the way period underwear is fsa and hsa so flexible savings account health savings account those are eligible for those those products are eligible for those um so so one is being willing

to say i don't know and i'm gonna look it up or i'm gonna don't know and i'm gonna go to a trusted resource because there are going to be terms that come out that you didn't know so when i when you hear things on the show like internal condom and you're like what the internal like what there was there was a condom like what what are we doing with right external now and um especially for for girls and i'm saying that based on sex assigned at birth even that term right there the sex assigned at birth. That is never a phrase that we used 20, 30 years ago. And so just becoming familiar with the terms and just saying, you know, I don't know what that is. Let me go figure it out. For girls as they are approaching the reproductive years, 14, 15, 16, 17,

looking at the hormonal contraception options that are out there, if that's something that you're open to doing with your child, knowing what a period tracker app is. I mean, you might use it as an adult but really thinking about is this something i want my kid using and if you have no idea what i'm talking about we also know i'm not a huge if you don't know this from previous episodes i'm not a huge fan of period tracking apps because the data is shared except for yuki um so one is just depending on where you live yes um and i would well we can get into the yeah anyway um so i think part of it is just is just being like okay i don't know everything and I think most parents don't think they know everything but it's being a it's being really

willing to be like okay I don't know that let me go find out what that means okay I don't I don't know this phrase or this term or I don't I don't know and figuring it out what it is I don't it's allowing your child to see that you don't know everything and I would venture a guess that that's where a lot of anxiety and fear comes in because there is just that expectation self-inflicted society inflicted social circle inflicted like you need to be the authority for your child yep um yeah and so i think i think being any and if you're not comfortable with that for whatever reason figuring it out and getting back to them maybe i i can understand why some parents are like oh if i tell them i don't know like that's it i've lost all my power and control

which i would argue yeah not but if that's a fear for you then then still being able to say in the back of your head i don't know let me go figure out what this is before i try to have a conversation about it so i think i think getting knowing what learning what you don't know and when things come up being able to have those those moments with yourself where you can figure out how to get those that information um i think part of it is going to take opening up an awareness to the world that your kids live in which is very different from the world that parents intimidating yeah and so especially some of the parents grew up i i constantly say that i'm so happy that social media didn't exist when i was a kid because there's like nothing to document all the stuff

that i was doing and um oh hold on i just had a thought i gotta write that down sure um sorry folks i'm writing takes time um but i i think understanding how your kids are getting information how they're being bombarded by information what information that they're getting um one of the people who so so we we got this real show request in three different ways um two two of them were personal people I knew by text or in person who said these would be great and then another was actually through the show submission which we'll include in in the in the description so the one person who I want to say that at this point the little baby is born and congratulations yay yeah um you know who I'm talking about so um start thinking now about

the messaging from the clothing that that the baby is wrapped in to come home from the hospital like the just being the awareness of what's happening from the the color right sex reveal i know gender reveal i've had this argument before um but just being aware of where that's happening and being aware of how how that messaging is coming through at a really young age right and then also and this could be a challenge what messages are the other adults in their lives giving them so if grandparents are involved and they are reiterating some of these gender roles that you don't want enforced in the household you know like kid gets a certain toy or a certain color blanket or accessory because of their gender, being able to kind of recognize that

that's happening. Because for so long, we just lived in that world where we, oh, girls get pink and boys get blue and girls play with dolls and boys play with trucks. Being aware that messaging from a very early time makes it easier for you to address that messaging with that child when they're old enough to have those conversations. But it's also being aware of what you're bringing into the house and the messages you're you're showing them it includes the roles of parents if you are in a mixed gender relationship so husband wife or boyfriend girlfriend kind of relationship with the parent are you taking on traditional gender roles or are you challenging those in the household so it starts super young it starts it starts with the literally starts with

what they're swaddled in. Um, um, may I also just add on that note, um, in this realm, understanding and being tuned into your child, um, about how they're feeling about family members, friends, hugging them, interacting with them, playing with them, all of those things you know understanding that you know if your child is shy maybe they just don't want to hug because it's overwhelming and intimidating um so that that's part of it too right it's that bodily autonomy and being able to to demonstrate to them i i am your advocate and i am here if you are not comfortable if you say if i say uncle wants a hug and you shake your head I'm not going to then say no no it's okay go give him a hug I'm going to say okay not right

now yeah and me I would encourage maybe a conversation later about why like depending on the child's age depending on the child's age like yeah what was going on because it could be like ah like grandpa smells like tobacco smoke or something like that so yeah if there's if there's something going on that if you can talk to the child about if they have words about why they may not be comfortable with it they may also just be going through a shy stage um but just kind of recognizing how you're enforcing those those values and that comes down to those values like well i don't care if you don't want to hug so and so you do it anyway that's that's a value and you're teaching them something very specific about personal boundaries so i think it's just

being really aware of of what's happening in a way that i think maybe some folks haven't been for really you know you just kind of do the things and if you're a new parent you're exhausted like and you're not sitting there thinking like your bandwidth is not like how am I going to craft this message around the values that I want to last for my child as long as they're under my roof right you're exhausted and you you know sometimes you just want the kid to stop screaming and you're like trying to figure out everything and um but I think so trying to be as aware as you can about what messages the kids are getting in your home and then as they're getting older Because one of the other people who asked the question has a child who is not a newborn.

I would say still on the younger side, just being aware of kind of the messaging they may be getting from those around them. If they're in school, if they're in sports, if they're on social media, which I really have an issue. I don't think that kids should be allowed social media until their brains are fully developed enough to really start to understand what they're learning from social media. So like 25? Yeah. you said it not me um but i i mean i understand having a phone because you may need to be able to reach someone but but what they can access and the messages that they're they're getting from that and the information that they're getting but it means just being a really kind of tuned in parent

to all the information that they're getting um occasionally watching if you're watching tv with your kids um being aware of what they're watching without you if you can i i think using a lot of those teachable moments are really important so if you are watching something and something comes up and you're like oh i should probably talk to my kid about that and that can be terrifying if you weren't prepared like i didn't know i was gonna need to talk to my kid about this and then it happened on the show but being being just a tuned in parent which i think a lot of parents want to be tuned in and knowing knowing what's going on but it's it's being aware of all the things that happening around them. And again, being that person that they can come talk to when things

are happening outside of your house. So when they're at sports, they're at school, they're at a friend's house, they're playing. I don't know if kids play in the street anymore, but playing outside and something gets said. And if they can come back and say, hey, this was said and I don't understand it. Or, hey, what does this word mean that someone called me? Being that approachable parent and starting them as early as you can, that you can have these kind of open conversations. But I think it's really about tuning into what are the messages they're getting and what are the messages I'm demonstrating. And that takes a lot of self-awareness. And, again, as parents, you're probably – at any age, you're probably tired.

And that takes some energy. There are some really great videos out there from an organization called Amaze.org, which I will make sure that we put a link to the website out there. if you're not sure how to bring something up or maybe you don't want to be the one who says the words but you want your kid to watch the video and maybe have a discussion there are there are there are organizations out there that are doing good work for parents on how to have some of these conversations nice so that that that seemed you know a little centered around younger children what about what about those parents and adults who um are involved in teenage pre-teen and teenagers lives and trying not to kill them as they go through puberty

or the kids try not to kill their parents because they just don't understand them right and they and and i think there's a lot to be said here for like what your kid's going through i mean they're going through a rush of hormones and their brains are not fully developed and it's it is so confusing and i think this is one of those conversations i think i think boundary i think talking about boundaries are always really important for kids i think maintaining that relationship and this is the big thing especially for parents these days it sounded like i was targeting them um learning how to let go but also learning how to be that there's a point where you got to let your kids be kids but there's also you still want to have that relationship with them where they can

come talk to you but you've got to give them the ability to go out and kind of live their life and and i say this because when i was teaching at a university that i'm not currently at i had a student she was 21 um describing what i'm pretty sure was an sti that she had. And I was like, you really should go get that checked out. Her answer was I can't because my parents still have location tracking on my phone. And if I go to a clinic, they'll know your kid at that point is 21. Wow. Yeah. And so I was going to say, why not leave the phone home? But then I realized there's no way they know how to get to the clinic. And that's, you know, all the information they need about, about their health is probably on their phones, but

learning airplane mode but you know learning learning how to step away as a parent is a pretty hard thing i think the generations after ours got worse at it that there was a lot more the helicoptering and a lot more of the i don't want my kid to kind of leave i want to know everything that's happening in their lives there's a lot around boundaries with that i know one of the things we're hearing about now is like don't don't get don't put your kids faces on on the internet yeah until they're old enough to give consent i don't know we're not saying don't take pictures of your kids but don't share it with folks until they're old enough to say that i want that and we don't think about that we don't think about the right the fact that a kid has a right to

say no um so i think that there's a point where we have to let it's a really hard time for parents as kids are going through those teen years for so many reasons and i think part of it is is checking in with your kid making sure you're still that approachable person recognizing that they're going to go out and kind of do the things that they want to do but but still being that that resource that they can come home to and especially if they do something that they're not happy with what happened or they think they made a mistake like being that person they can come home to and say I think I think I fucked up I don't I where I don't understand this or I'm scared or what do I do now and saying okay like how do how do we get you through this and um but yeah there's I

want to go off on a tangent for a second but I want to check in with you first I was just gonna ask you know you mentioned um the resource amaze.org yeah um yeah and and not necessarily giving any specific resources unless you have others but what are some things to look for parents and guardians and um aunties and uncles and those that are involved in in children's lives closely or have a close relationship with their child niece nephew grandchild um what are some kind of qualifiers or green flags in resources i'll say that that they should look for if they they want to seek this information out on their own so that they can feel a little bit more prepared um what are do you have any tips and tricks there i think just checking the

organization that's putting it out um i i'm very hesitant to say follow social media accounts of individuals i know you and i like there are people we really love their social media accounts and we follow them but i don't always love everything they put out and there's no way you can go through their entire archive or know what's coming next so i'm always a little leery about doing a social media thing because it's harder to vet especially once they're doing live stuff um but i would check out the check out the organization that's putting out the things and making sure it aligns with your values whatever those values may be I think that there are if we're still doing books do we still do books for kids yes there's there's they're making a comeback like vinyl everything comes

back there are definitely books out there that are age and developmentally appropriate so I think that's something I would look at is does this feel age appropriate for my child there's a series of books that were put out that I kind of don't want to name because I know they've been banned in some places you and I can talk offline about whether or not we want to include them but they were very age-specific I know I I I was always really impressed with how age-specific they were and developmentally appropriate they were so just asking yourself is this an organization that aligns with my values does it feel age-appropriate does it feel culturally appropriate like if this

is not if this is not consistent with what my culture believes or if I'm looking at a resource and it's oh white kids and I'm not white or I am white and I want my kid to learn about diversity um does it feel appropriate in those ways is it age appropriate it's culturally appropriate it's developmentally appropriate is it is an organization I trust um would you even maybe throw in their experience appropriate so you know well so I throw this out in this definitely for discussion obviously um but you know you've said several times does it align with my values, but what if your, your child or the child that you have this kind of close relationship with, um, where you're a guardian or a mentor or whatever, um, they're going through an experience

or identify differently than maybe your, your, what you thought you've, your values were. So now you're challenging and maybe broaching the idea of breaking down some of those values and then seeking out those kind of resources it is where I was it is where I was going with the experience base gotcha okay I thought you were going with a great I thought that word experience was something very different um I think that becomes harder because they're I think that and sometimes I think you need to accept the fact that your kids are not going to tell you everything or they're going to outright lie to your face because that's what kids do because one of the things they're supposed to be doing is testing boundaries that's the job of a child is to test boundaries and see

what happens and understand consequences so they may be lying we're going to say something sir well they may be lying not just just to challenge but it could be self-preservation because it does apply in the face of the values that they that you were raising them with yeah i think in those Because they identify differently or something. I think in those situations it's going to be really hard because I don't – if you're locked into one value system and your kid is experiencing something outside of that value system, I think that's going to be a conflict on different levels. And I'm not sure that it's going to be easy to find a resource that works for both of you. And that's where it comes back to maybe being that adult that your kid can talk to. But it's going to be a challenge.

It's I don't care if you've got the best kid in the world. It's going to be a challenge. And so it's just checking in with them. And it's it's hard because they are until they're 18 or younger than that, depending on the state they are in. Technically, they're they're still children. And then the rights of parents and where the rights of parents come in over rights of kids. So it does become a bit of a challenge. But if a resource doesn't feel right to you, it probably doesn't feel right to your kid. Yeah. Anything else that you want to throw out there regarding this? There's so many things. We may have to do a second part to this. I think so. Yeah. Cause I, we focused a lot on parental language, but you know, like I said, I'm an auntie and my, my nieces and nephews went through the different, um, their different stages and, um, and it is, it's being that, that safe, that safe space, that adult, that, um, that doesn't offer that, that doesn't throw out judgment to shut them down. I mean, you know, being really conscientious about that so that they can express so I can give them space to communicate so I can hear the root of what they're trying to communicate through all of the fumbling of the words that they're that they're using. and and myself included in that I'm not going to formulate a perfect verbal response but um giving that that space to have the conversation openly and or have the conversation candidly

tie back again um so yeah I think we'll we'll likely do a follow-up episode yeah I you know because you joke about that like i may be dr sue but there are so many families where i'm also aunt sue not by blood but and how many of my friends joke like oh when my kid hits this age they're having that conversation with you and i'm i'm happy to do that and i play that role in a lot of my friends families but i'm not available to everybody um and and how we do that so yeah how do we and and then it becomes even harder when when you feel like you're caught in the middle between the parent and the kid um yeah maybe we'll have those conversations so i guess that's just the

final things um for those for the for the two of you who asked me in person slash by text i'm hoping i got to some of your stuff and congratulations on the baby um for those of you and for the person who submitted it by show suggestion um or for just anyone who's listening if we didn't get to a specific question you have please let us know it's it's it to talk about parenting and and sex is is really difficult um to do in like one episode so if there's a specific like i want to know about oh here's one like nudity around my kid because i get that question quite a bit like at what point should i not be nude around my kid so if there's something like that we didn't get to please please put in a show suggestion um if you want a specific resource that

we didn't get to please reach out to me um or to the show itself and if you are interested in the candid conversation live roadshow. I think we'll have to. But actually, if you'd be interested in doing like a class for parents online, so we could do it anywhere in the world, if people express interest, I will absolutely develop that. So let us know. I also want to throw out there the comment section on this episode or anything. If you are a teen or young adult who has thoughts on, I wish my had, you know, I wish my guardian, I wish my parents, I wish my aunt, I wish my grandparents, whatever. I wish they had done this. That's so valuable because that, that having that conversation, I mean, it's in our show title. This is a conversation, not just between us,

but with you all. And so we want to, we want to understand, we want to open that up, that back and forth up. Um, so please feel free. So with that, I want to thank you all for joining us on this episode of unzipping taboos, candid conversations about sex. We hope today's episode sparked new thoughts. Um, we'll open up conversations worth having, and please remember that your curiosity is the key to breaking down barriers and embracing a healthier understanding of sex and relationships. If you enjoyed the show, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear this or any of the other episodes. And as we just said, leave a comment or feedback on the episode or via our show suggestion link. A little brain fart there,

folks. Sorry about that. If you've got a question or a topic you want us to dive into, reach out to us via that link in the episode description. We want to give a very special shout out to Allie O'Brien for incredible theme music. Thank you so much, Allie. As I said, it brings a smile to our faces every time. So we really appreciate you. And with that, until next time, everyone, keep the conversation going, keep unzipping those taboos, and please take care. © transcript Emily Beynon