Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Amber Ruffin

Episode Date: November 5, 2022

Amber Ruffin, host of The Amber Ruffin Show on Peacock and the purple M&M, plays our game called "Roughin' It" Three questions about camping. Joining in are panelists Karen Chee, Hari Kondabolu and Maz Jobrani.Subscribe to Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me+ via Apple Podcasts or at plus.npr.org/waitwait.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Take a vacation with me. We'll call it a Billy Holiday. I'm Bill Curtis. And here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. Oh, thank you, everybody.

Thank you all so much. Thank you. I'm just as excited as you are because we have a very good show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to late night host Amber Ruffin, who also, among her many achievements, is about to become the first ever voice of an M&M we've ever had on our show. And I am so excited because I've always wanted to know this. Do the M&Ms on the commercials trying to sell us M&Ms know what we do with them? Right now, you are the sweet thing we want to talk to. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's

1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. How's it going? Not bad. Who's this? This is Aaron. I'm in Chicago. Hey, Aaron. Apparently, the hometown crowd approves. So, how do you feel about the freakishly wonderful weather we've had this week? I just moved here from Portland like two months ago, so it's a little deceiving. Right. Yeah, Aaron, it's always like this. Definitely here. Well, welcome to the show.

It's for the winter. Oh, no, no, no. This is it. This is as bad as it gets. 70 degrees. All right. Aaron, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week.

First up, he'll be performing at the Den Theater here in Chicago. You can go see him, Aaron, January 27th and 28th. And he would like you to pay more attention, please, to the Iran protests. Please welcome Maz Jobrani. Hey, Aaron. Hi. Next, a comedian and writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers, it's Karen Chee.

Hello, Karen. Hello, hello. And finally, the co-host of Snack vs. Chef, premiering on Netflix on November 30th. You can also see him at Kane's Ballroom in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on November 17th, in Lawrence Art Center in Lawrence, Kansas, on November 18th.

It's Hari Kandabolu. Hey, Aaron. So, Aaron, you are going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win, of course, our prize, the voice of anyone from our show you might care to have on your voicemail.

Are you ready to go? Yes, I'm terribly nervous, but I'm ready. There's no need to be nervous, because remember, this is all nonsense. All right, Aaron. Your first quote is from Elon Musk, reassuring the public about something he bought just last week. It won't be a free-for-all hellscape.

What is absolutely going to be a free-for-all hellscape? Somehow more than it already is. Twitter.com. Twitter.com, yes. Everybody is freaking out because Elon Musk, an unstable, impulsive egomaniac, has taken control of Twitter. He should stick to things where he can't hurt anyone, like manned space flight and cars that drive themselves. Now, a lot of prominent users are saying they're going to leave Twitter, which is the new I'm going to move to Canada. If people leave Twitter, where are they going to go?

Well, do you know about, do you guys know about paperback? It's not a website. It's a paper bag. You just scream into it. He wants to charge for the blue check. Oh, he's got plans. He's got plans. I don't like that one.

Yeah, because apparently he borrowed so much money to buy Twitter, which is now Twitter's debt because that's how capitalism works. He owes a billion dollars a year in interest. And Twitter makes,

let me just check, no money. So he's got to up the income. And one of the things he's talked about is charging for those blue checks. That means anyone can get a blue check. That's the one thing I liked about Twitter is that I have a blue check and I earned it because it's a meritocracy. And if anyone can get it, that means I can't prove I'm better than they are. Exactly right. We can't let that happen. Right. You can't make me pay for this meaningless symbol that gives my life value.

Originally, he said $25 for the blue check, and then Stephen King told him he can just go blank himself. Right. And then he came back and goes, how about $8? This is a guy who walked into a situation with a very clear and detailed business plan. I will haggle with Stephen King. That was the plan. I do genuinely love that Stephen King

kind of just bullied him. Yeah. Right? You're like this nice nerdy man who writes scary books for fun. Right? It just bullied you. I was like, well done.

I'm a huge Stephen King fan now. Yeah. And that's the only thing of his you've ever read. I honestly am too scared. I'm too huge Stephen King fan now. Yeah, there you go. And that's the only thing of his you've ever read. I honestly am too scared. I'm too scared to read anything else. One thing Mr. Musk might very well do is actually lay off as many as half of

Twitter's employees, which will be very rough. Hopefully he will keep the guy who made it impossible for me to edit the tweet after I wrote how proud I was to work in pubic radio. All right, Aaron. All right. Aaron, your next quote is from a job posting this week at Citibank.

Zero dollars to two million dollars. That appeared after new law in New York City makes companies there post what on their job advertisements? Their salary ranges? Yes, their salary ranges. Now, according to the law, they have to post salary ranges on their job postings. It's great news, you know, to find out how much you're going to be making at some job you want to apply to. But remember, this is New York City, so every job listing also says, it doesn't matter,

you still cannot afford to live here. so every job listing also says, it doesn't matter, you still cannot afford to live here. The law says companies have to make a good faith effort, good faith effort to post accurate salary ranges. For example, these are all real. Barron's has a job open with a range of 50,000 to 180,000. And that one, real, at Citibank, $0 to $2 million.

So it's like a doctor saying, good news, you have between one week and 40 years to live. Who's getting paid $0 at a bank? That's horrible negotiation tactics. It's like, let me see, you guys specialize in cash? All right, give me none. I'll come here and work. I mean, it's nice. I mean, it's good. It's all about transparency and job postings. People want to know what they're getting into before they apply. That's great. But they shouldn't stop with like a salary range. For example, you really want to know if your boss will be a hugger. Not touchy to very touchy. Okay. All right. Also, if they can do this to you, can you do this to them? Like, oh, you're going to pay me $50,000 to $500,000?

All right, I will work zero to 40 hours a week. All right, Aaron, here is your last quote. Perhaps I'm getting into the spirit of the season a bit too early. That was a blogger named Tom Bricker, one of many people noticing that even though November just started, what has begun even earlier this year? Oh, this one's got me stumped. Oh, no, well, it's, you know, it's something that is... No, I'm kidding. It's Christmas, right?

Ah, you fooled me. You fooled me. Oh, my God. It is still true that Christmas comes but once a year, but on the other hand, Christmas now lasts two months, and it started two weeks ago. Stores were already putting Christmas candy on the shelves at Halloween, right? So you can tell which neighbor waited until the last minute to buy trick-or-treat stuff, the guy handing out candy canes.

Dressed as Santa Claus for Halloween. Right. To be clear, the Christmas they're preparing for is Christmas 2023. Right, exactly. Christmas 2022 has been over for a year. Oh, God, yeah. We're already done with that.

And I just say, speaking as a Jew, a longer Christmas season just means a longer time for us to enjoy pretending Hanukkah is a real holiday. A longer Christmas season just means a longer time for us to enjoy pretending Hanukkah is a real holiday. So, are they just squeezing Thanksgiving out? It's gone, man. It's gone. Some Thanksgiving advocates are recommending that the holiday do more to establish its identity in the crowded holiday season.

Christmas has fabulous characters. We've got Rudolph. We've got the elves. We've got characters. We got Rudolph, we got the elves, we got Santa, we got Mrs. Claus. On Thanksgiving, there's just one character and we kill and eat it. Halloween, Halloween has managed to survive and thrive in our modern era by becoming the slutty holiday. So, right? So Thanksgiving can go that route. Picture your turkey, right? Now picture tiny high heels on the drumsticks. A little sexy turkey. Exactly.

Bill, how did Aaron do in our quiz? Aaron came off the bench to throw a no-hitter. Everyone is right. Aaron, thank you so much for playing. We'll see you around town. Thanks for having me, everybody. Take care. Thanks, Aaron.

Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for a game we're calling... The World Series Dump. No, and that is not what Phillies fans are taking on the hoods of Astrofans cars. not what Phillies fans are taking on the hoods of Astro fans' cars. It's the name of this new game in which we will ask you rapid-fire true-false questions about this year's World Series going on between Philadelphia and Houston. Are you ready to play? Here we go.

Rapid-fire true or false. Maz, true or false. Houston pitcher Justin Verlander apologized after giving the finger to a group of Phillies fans. True. False. He said, quote, I was simply greeting them in their native tongue. That is great. That's brilliant.

Karen, true or false? Economic analysts say a Philadelphia win could mean a $1 billion boon to the city. True. No, it's false. They say a Philadelphia win could foretell a global economic catastrophe because that's what happened the last time they won the championship. Ari, true or false, after the second game in Philadelphia, Phillies fans were praised by national sports media

for their extensive knowledge of baseball. True. Yes, it is true. And that's because the fans yelled, Cheater, only at the three Astros who were part of the 2017 team. And they just booed all the other players. Hilarious. Karen, true or false, a Phillies fan was criticized for yelling F the Astros during the national anthem before game four.

True. No, false. He yelled F the Astros during the games. Stand up to cancer tribute. No. Oh, false. He yelled F the Astros during the games. Stand up to cancer tribute. No! Oh, man. And that is our World Series Roundup. Remember, everybody.

Wow. Philadelphia Hall of Fame. Sure, you can beat Philadelphia, but you can never embarrass it. Coming up, what's all the hubbub about Grubhub? Find out in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Boz Jobrani, Karen Chee, and Hari Kondabolu. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Segel.

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. Hi, who's this? Tim Hardiman from Clinton, New York. Clinton, New York. Now, where is that exactly? It's upstate, right? Way upstate. A suburb of the Renaissance Rust Belt city of Utica. Oh, right. Utica. And what do you do there? I am owner, operator, executive chef of a lovely little farm-to-table restaurant. Oh, wow. That's great. And is there a specialty at your restaurant I should look for if I ever come there? We do a real nice job with the New York State Cheese Board highlighting farmstead cheeses from local producers and, you know,

just fresh local seasonal food. There you go. Well, I'll try it if I ever get around there. Thank you so much. Tim, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Tim's topic? I shall call it Grubhub. The idea for the food delivery service Grubhub did not come when the founder of the company was sitting under an apple tree and then an apple fell on his head and he said, wow, this apple is filled with grubs. Not what happened. In fact, the founder of the company has written a memoir in which he tells us what actually inspired his invention of the now very successful company. Our panelists are going to tell you a version of that

story. Tell us which one is the truth and you will win our prize. Ready to play? I'm ready. Okay, here we go. First up, let's hear from Maz Jobrani. Entrepreneur Mike Evans found himself walking home late one cold winter night in Chicago. The more he walked, the more his hands froze. That's when he came up with his million-dollar idea of a glove delivery service, which he would call Glove Hub. The idea was simple. He'd design a website where anyone stuck in the cold could take out their phone and order gloves to be delivered within minutes. So he ordered a thousand pairs of gloves, hired 50 bike messengers with snow tires to race out and deliver the gloves, and waited for the orders to come in. But they didn't. When he didn't get any requests and was left with piles and piles of gloves in his tiny kitchen,

he almost quit. Then one day, he read a story of a skier caught in an avalanche who got so desperate that he ate his gloves to survive. As he retold the story to his wife, he commented, could you imagine eating your gloves? That's crazy. To which his wife replied, that's not crazy, dum-dum. That's the idea. Nobody needs instant gloves. They need instant food. And that's how the half-baked million-dollar idea of Glove Hub became the full-baked billion-dollar company Grubhub. It started as Glove Hub because he thought that what people really wanted was gloves. Your next story of Grubhub's eureka moment comes from Karen Chee. Listen, I know the name Mike Evans sounds like someone came up

with it in a panic during an improv scene, but he is real, very real. And Tim, if you're listening, this one is the real story, so please pick me. Okay. Evans was living in Chicago when one fateful day he boarded a crowded bus on his way home from work and fell face first into someone else's armpit. Evans describes this as, quote, the armpit of destiny. He even goes on to say that the armpit, quote, smelled good, too good. Instead, something about the sweet, sweet armpit aroma made Evans lose all desire to cook that night, and frustrated by the lack of delivery options, he spent the evening dreaming up Grubhub instead. Thanks to this holy pit, I can now have a burger and fries at 2 a.m.

when I'm drunk at home and watching Love is Blind for the fourth hour. Again, Tim, I cannot stress enough how true my story is. The founder of the company was smushed into an armpit on a bus, and so put off his meal, he became obsessed with getting food delivered. Your last story of the foundation of food delivery comes from Hari Kondabolu. Over a decade ago, Grubhub founder Mike Evans went through a very bad breakup that led to him not leaving his apartment, bathing, or wearing pants.

A week-long weed bender would then lead to a terrible problem. He had the munchies, but his heartbreak-driven depression and lifelong struggle with laziness made it hard for him to go outside. Then he thought to himself, if only there was a service that would let me see menus from anywhere and get food delivered to my house. This was the seed that led to Grubhub. Unfortunately, after he sobered up, he could not remember what he had come up with

since he had been incredibly high. Luckily, he found a piece of paper with the words food delivery, app, and I miss you, Donna, why did you leave? app, and I miss you, Donna. Why did you leave? Those words triggered his memories and led to the creation of a formal proposal to investors for a food delivery app and also regular sessions with a therapist. All right, here are your choices. So one day, a man named Mike Evans got the idea to create the delivery company Grubhub. But how? Was it from Maz Jobrani? The idea originally started as Glovehub to deliver gloves to whoever needed them. From Karen Chee, he was smashed into somebody's armpit on a bus in Chicago and all of a sudden

could not abide the idea of cooking for himself, so started looking into delivery. Or from Hari Kondabolu, it was inspired by a terrible breakup, which led to his never wanting to leave the house again. Which of these is the real story of the moment of inspiration for Grubhub? It's definitely not the armpit, so I guess it's between the Glove Hub and the weed-fueled breakup. I'm going to go with Hari. Okay, so your choice is going to be Hari's story. Well, to bring us the correct answer, well, here of course is Mike Evans, founder of Grubhub. And so that was the night that I started writing Grubhub.

I started coding it up that night. So it's all thanks to random stranger's armpit. Tim, I made your life so easy and you threw it away. That was Mike Evans, who, as he told you, was on a bus coming back from his desk job one day here in a cold night in Chicago. So I'm sorry, Tim, but as you heard,

Karen had the right answer. It was, in fact, the armpit. You did not win, but you did earn a point for Hari for his very believable tale. Thank you so much for playing, and I will absolutely come by your restaurant when next in Clinton. I hope so. All right, take care. Thank you so much for playing, and I will absolutely come by your restaurant when next in Clinton. I hope so. All right, take care.

Thank you so much. And now the game in which we ask late night stars to join us in the cruel light of day. It's called Not My Job. Amber Ruffin started out as an improviser, then became a writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers, then became a performer on that show, and then she got a late night show of her own, the Amber Ruffin Show, now in its third season. We're excited to have her here

before she takes over the entire television industry. Amber Ruffin, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you for having me, Kevin. So, Amber, it's great to talk to you. Where are you right now? Where are you joining us from? I'm in the living room. The couch got so gross that we had 1-800-GOT-JUNK take it away. Really? It's just one chair So the couch was so gross you didn't have time to go out and buy a new couch you're like just get rid of it now

the couch Was very very old and you know, just like not well-made So I had taken a can of beans. Oh no. And I put it under the couch, you know, to hold up the frame because the whole wooden frame had cracked. Right. Well, do you know Adam Savage

from Mythbusters? I do know Adam. He's a friend, yeah. Well, I had tweeted about how a freaking can of beans is holding up my raggedy couch. So then he made a more structurally sound can for me to put under my couch. So Addie Savage from Mythbusters made you a better can? Like, didn't fix the couch.

It's still like a shiny can-looking thing. And then you were like, to hell with this, and got rid of the couch. It's still like a shiny can-looking thing. And then you were like, to hell with this, and got rid of the couch. Yeah, we still have the can, though, because I don't trust the couch as far as I know. Yeah, I know. That's an Adam Savage made can, you know. You've got to keep that. So, you did a lot of amazing things, all of which we can talk about, but

you eventually ended up writing for Seth Meyers. How did we go from there to you becoming the first black woman to host your own late-night comedy show? Our executive producer on Seth just came into the office and was like, write up a late-night show where Amber is hosting it, and let's pitch it to NBC. We were like, okay, crazy man. So we wrote it up, we pitched it to NBC.

They said, no, thank you. And then a year went by and then NBC got a streaming service called Peacock. And then Peacock came to me and was like, will you be our late night? We read your pitch. And I was like, yes, I forgot I wrote that. And I would love to do that. Yeah. Thank you. Wow. So what did you, when you sat down and said, what I want to do with a late night show is this. What was your idea? How did you want to break the form or, you know, make it work better or whatever?

I was like, my idea for a late night show is a variety show that we lie and say is a late night show. Right. That's all I wanted to do. I was like, it's like a late night show, but then I can like sing and dance in a hat. Oddly, they let me. Hey Amber, it's Harry. Do you still write for late night while you have your own late night show? First of all, I love you and I can't believe we're talking.

Amber, Amber. I love you so bad it's terrible. I am. But, I mean, you see how easy it is. Freaking Karen's on it. It's not even here. It is true that Karen is sitting doing our show while writing better jokes. I'm stealing all the ones here and submitting them to our show. No, I mean, so you actually are writing jokes for Seth Meyers for his lit show while you're creating your own show on a daily basis?

Yeah, I mean, writing jokes is a strong, that's a strong statement. All right. So the main thing I really wanted to talk to you about, Amber, was your amazing honor of something, well, frankly, I've never talked to anybody who's ever accomplished this. You play an M&M in the M&M ads. You're like the new purple M&M. Is that right? Can you freaking stand it? Yeah.

You're a better person. No one loves this more than me. How do you land that gig? Buddy, they called me and they asked me to audition. And then one day they're like, you're it. You're the purple Eminem. Oh my God. So how do you audition for an Eminem?

They give you a drawing of the Eminem. And then like,, this is Purple. She's outgoing and quirky. She makes mistakes, but she's fine with it. Like that. They had it all, like, extra figured out. It was so cute. She makes mistakes, but she's fine with it.

And you walk in and go, hello, I'm Purple. I killed a guy, but it was an accident. We're good. Wait, did you get, like, a lifetime supply of M&Ms? No. Why are you my agent? Wow. Did they pay you in regular money and not M&Ms? Yeah, and that's a mess up.

What kind of notes do you get when you perform as an M&M? You do a take and they're like, Amber, that's great, But remember, the heart of you is a nut. You're solid inside. Can you show us that? They do. Do you know who you beat out for the purple

Eminem? No. That's a great question. Yeah. It was me and Larry David. Larry David. A quirky gal who makes mistakes. Marissa Tomei is at home eating only Skittles, right? Well, Amber Ruffin, it is so much fun to talk to you.

We have asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling... We're Ruffin it. You're Amber Roughing. So we thought we'd ask you about, you know, camping trips and other ways of roughing it. Gross. Of course. Answer two to three questions about getting back to nature. You win a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Amber Roughing playing for? Natalie Dawson of Los Angeles, playing for. Natalie Dawson of Los Angeles, California. All right, Natalie, you better get your hopes down, bud. All right, back in the 1960s, the CEO of Silicon Valley Electronics Company took his engineers on a camping trip, but when he got back, he was fired by his board of directors. Why? A, he spent the entire weekend yelling, see, this is why we don't need any electronics.

A. He spent the entire weekend yelling, C. This is why we don't need any electronics. B. He used a ghost story around the campfire to fire three people. Or C. During the hike, he gave them all LSD to improve their creativity. Wow. I want it to be the last one so bad. How cool would it be if it was like you have to not only do you have to poop next to a tree

you have to take this LSD. So is that your choice? Yes, I take LSD. Yes, it is. It's LSD. This guy he said I want to give the staff LSD and they said no you can't do that. He said okay I'll take the staff camping

and then he gave them LSD and that kids is how we got the staff LSD. And they said, no, you can't do that. He said, okay, I'll take the staff camping. And then he gave them LSD. And that, kids, is how we got the Microsoft Zune. All right, here is your next question. Perhaps you want to send your kids to summer camp, but you do not want them to have too easy a time. So, you could send them, if you liked, where? A, to Camp Hunger Games, where at the end of the session, the kids recreate the murderous competition from the books and movies. B, to Camp Full House, where kids sit around and watch reruns of Full House like their parents did during the summer. Or C, to Camp Guys Grocery Games, where kids sleep in a supermarket parking lot and are only allowed five minutes a day to run inside to find food.

I choose Camp Hunger Games. That's right. There is a real Camp Hunger Games. And just so you know, they switch it up a little bit. Instead of being to the death, the competition is sort of like flag football, but they call it the Hunger Games. All right. Here's your last question. You can go for perfect. Maybe you don't like roughing it. Maybe you're into glamping or luxury camping. If so, a hotel here in Chicago is offering a package where for just $5,500 a night, you can sleep in your own tent where, A, on a floating platform in the middle of the Chicago River, B, on the lawn of Michael Jordan's abandoned mansion, or C, on the balcony just outside one of their rooms?

Because I have access to this platform, it is my duty to say, glamping is stupid. It is my duty to say glamping is stupid. I think people should know that. Also, the answer that I choose is floating down the river. No, I'm afraid not. It's actually on the balcony outside the room. I'm afraid not. It's actually on the balcony outside the room.

Sir, I will be there within the hour to fight you. I shall await you. You can rent this room or tent and you'll be in this open-air terrace 16 stories above Michigan Avenue, a street known for its magnificent views and bus fumes. Bill, how did Amber Ruffin do on our quiz? Amber got two out of three, and that is a win. Congratulations!

Amber Ruffin is the host of the Amber Ruffin Show streaming on Peacock. Amber Ruffin, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Yay! Thank you for having me. Yay, Amber, you're the best. Ooh, I like chocolate cause it makes me

feel so good inside. Ooh, I like chocolate cause it makes me feel so fine, oh yeah. In just a minute, a real puzzle in our listener limerick challenge game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

from NPR. Chocolate. I like it. From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Maz Jobrani, Hari Kondabolu, and Karen Chee. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill drinks a lime Ricky and reads limb Rickies in our listener limerick challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Karen, King Charles, you know, King Charles, already appears to be quite pampered and spoiled as a monarch. According to one source, wherever he goes, Charles always brings along his own what? Mars bar.

His own little alcohol tray. Cocktail bar. A cocktail bar. I like it, but no. Oh, can I have a hint, please? You may. It's sort of his other throne. Oh, his toilet?

Yes, his own toilet seat. Oh, my God. Yeah, the king reportedly always travels with a custom-made toilet seat, which he and only he is ever allowed to leave up. That just seems very...

Oh, here, here. I must take a dump. Hand just seems right. Oh, here, here. I must take a dump. Hand me my seat. The king is going to. And who brings it to him? I mean, it's not his foot, man. Does he have a butt, man? Wait, so that means that they have to remove the previous toilet seat and then put his on.

And he's just holding it the whole time because he's refusing to sit on a foreign seat. Yeah, which is weird because, I mean, he's the king of England now. He only goes to the fanciest places. It's not like he's making a royal visit to, like, the men's room of the Chevron station off exit 68 of the New Jersey Turnpike. And by the way, does he have like irritable bowel syndrome? Why is he pooping so much that he's got to take his own seat? That seems like he should have gone at home. Why are you bringing your own seat, dude?

Also, is he that busy? Isn't he just home all the time? Right. What is he doing? What is he that busy? Isn't he just home all the time? Right. What is he doing? Yeah, what is he doing? No wonder Meghan Markle left these manias. I know. Karen, a man in China who won a $30 million lottery jackpot,

chose to keep his identity secret because he worried that who might find out about his good fortune. Oh, the bad guys. The bad guys. I really just sort of panicked there. The penguin. Yeah. He kept his identity secret from whomst?

That's the question? Okay. Whomst daddy. A secret from his dad. No, close though. His mom. No, other way. Oh, his grandma?

No. Grandpa. No. Uncle. Who would a guy. Oh, his grandma? No. Grandpa? No. Uncle? Who would a guy want to not tell about? His ex-girlfriend. No. What?

Apparently, your parents have a great relationship. They do. Oh, his wife? His wife, yeah. He didn't tell. His wife and child. Wow. And child?

Wow. That's dirty. That is so dirty. Imagine winning, like, the lottery, 30 million bucks, and coming home and your wife asks you how your day was, and you're like, it's fine. It's okay. It's not like I won the lottery or anything.

He didn't want his wife and child to find out, which makes sense. Who wants your kid always bugging you? Hey, Dad, we're going to the movies. Can I have $2 million? He didn't go home. No. No, he didn't go. He got the check and then

vanished. No, he's actually apparently, he's going to try to keep it secret or so he said under a pseudonym. He used the name Mr. Lee. And he's going to try to keep it secret. That's so funny. He says that quote, I didn't tell my wife and child for fear that they would not work

hard in the future. Wow. The idea is if they were rich, they wouldn't work hard. And he wants them to have a work ethic. Isn't that the whole point of why you get a lottery ticket? I know. Well, he doesn't want to do that. He doesn't understand.

I mean, being rich is difficult. Do you know how taxing it is to always be demanding to speak to the manager? I would know. My name is Karen. Game over. Karen wins. Game over. But how is he going to do it? He won $30 million

and he's going to keep it secret. What does he say? Oh, no, son. I got this Lamborghini at a thrift shop. Honestly, if I were her, I would divorce him right now and get whatever, you know, like half the money. But if you don't know that he has the money, why would you divorce him to get half of it? I mean, it sounds like you could have divorced him a while ago anyway. Women in China just divorce their husbands to see what they get.

Exactly. I know. That's the only way of finding out who it is. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. Now, if you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website,

waitwait.npr.org. And you can come see us here live most weeks at the beautiful Studebaker Theatre in downtown Chicago. Or if you like, November 17th, that's coming up in Louisville, Kentucky, and December 8th and 9th at Carnegie Hall in New York. And the Wait, Wait stand-up tour is coming to a city near you. For information and tickets for all of these, just go over to nprpresents.org.

Hi, everyone. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, my name is Anna. Hey, Anna, where are you calling from? I am calling from Logan Square. Oh, my gosh, Logan Square, which is a neighborhood of Chicago, Illinois. You're rich in Chicagoans this week. What do you do for fun here in America's greatest metropolis? I call into shows like this and play the game.

It works. I love it. Sounds like a good life. Yeah, we have a lot of them. Why not us? Well, Anna, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, and two of the limericks will be a winner. Ready to play? Yeah. Here we go. Here's

your first limerick. Today in pedestrian news, seven miles per hour I cruise. You cannot compete with these wheels on my feet. I am wearing the world's fastest... Shoes? Yes, shoes. Walking is fine, but who has time for that anymore? Say hello to Moonwalkers, the world's first motorized walking shoes. This is an invention. The creator compares to humans going to space.

They're like these motorized skates you strap onto your shoes. So when you step on them, you zip forward, right? An experience that is compared to like walking on a moving walkway. So you can have America's favorite experience of being at an airport anywhere you like. Now, I know what you're wondering. What about stairs? Well, it's easy. When you get to, say, a stairway going down, you stop.

You kick the toe of the right shoe to cease the motors, and then you climb on down. It's not intuitive, but you'll get the hang of it after you lose a few of your front teeth. As a runner, how do you feel about this? I feel like these people should be put in

jail. I did not practice running up and down streets so that you could strap on these motorized things. So you're like one of those people that when cars were invented were really pro-horse. Exactly. And you know what, Karen?

I'm actually so old that that's what happened. Alright, here is your next limerick. 60,000 and plus pieces befuzzle. To stay focused, caffeine we will guzzle. Once the frame is in place, it takes up so much space. We all work on a 30-foot...

Puzzle? Yeah. Yes, puzzle. Costco. That's a good one. The place your mom goes to get 3,000 cubes of chicken bullion in one box because she is a sensible consumer who knows the value of money is now selling the world's largest puzzle.

The What a Wonderful World puzzle is 8 feet tall and 29 feet wide. That's 232 square feet of puzzle. Where do you put it? Well, if you're a New Yorker, you have to rent another apartment. It's 60,000 pieces. It comes in a box so big, the website has a picture of two people carrying it.

It's really crazy to start a puzzle and then have serious questions about whether you will live long enough to finish it. When they decided to do that, they thought the pandemic would be terrible and go on forever. Exactly. Wow.

Here is your last limerick, Anna. To songs without words, I'm succumbing. A boost to my health is incoming. I hum this tune. I'm now more immune. I'm healthy because I'm always... Humming. Humming, yes, Anna.

You were good, Anna. To scientists, humming is good for you. It's great for your mood and immune system. It protects your street credibility when you forget words to a song. And apparently humming increases air flow through your sinuses. It increases blood flow to your face when your friends slap you

because you will not stop humming. How did they prove this? Was there a study of some sort? How do you... Well, there have been various studies. I mean, like, for example, it's related to what they call asana breathing in yoga.

You know about this? I'm sorry. Was I stereotypical there? I was just about to say. Oh, God, I'm sorry. It would have been stereotypical if he had been a white woman. Let's be clear. Yes.

Bill, how did Anna do on our quiz? Don't know how she did it, but she got them all right. Logan, it's clear. Well done, Anna. Thank you so much for playing. We'll see you around town. Bye-bye.

All right. Thank you. Bye-bye. What do our Wait Wait panelists do when they're not appearing on the show? Stand-up comedy. Just real gritty, dark. There might be some adult language. Like knitting.

Cats. How to deal with your sisters. I'm Mike Danforth, executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. We'll take you inside the Wait, Wait stand-up tour with panelists Maz Jobrani and Maeve Higgins. Wait, wait audiences, like, a lot of them are knitters. So, yeah. I mean, I'm going to bring my knitting, but I'm also going to bring my knitting material. You can hear that in our next bonus episode if you subscribe to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Plus. Sign up on our episode page

on Apple Podcasts or at plus.npr.org. Find those links in our episode notes. And if you don't subscribe, don't worry. Regular episodes are not changing and will continue to be available as usual. Now on to our final game, lightning fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Karen and Maz each have two. Hari has four. Whoa.

Whoa. How did that happen? I don't know, but it worked. All right. Karen and Maz are tied. I will arbitrarily choose Maz to go first. So Maz, fill in the blank. On Wednesday, President Biden said that election deniers pose an imminent threat to American blank.

Democracy. Yes. On Tuesday, Jair Bolsonaro said he would allow a transition of power to begin in blank. Brazil. Right. This week, North Korea continued its series of blank tests. Nuclear. Missile.

Missile. You know what I'm saying. On Monday, the tax fraud trial for the blank organization began in New York. Trump. Yes. This week, the Justice Department brought down a nationwide catalytic converter theft ring after its alleged leader was seen blanking online. Blanking online?

Yes. Stealing a catalytic converter? No, wearing a necklace in the shape of a catalytic converter. On Thursday, Pfizer announced they were working on a combination of flu and blank vaccine. COVID. Right. On Wednesday, Elon Musk's private space company, blank, completed its 50th launch of 2022. SpaceX.

Yes. This week, a groom threatened to call off his wedding after his fiancee insisted they blank at the ceremony. Make love. No. Have a wedding for their dogs too. Well, not their dogs, her dog and the maid of honor's dog, because he is, quote, not much of a dog person. Bride wanted to not only marry the dogs at their wedding, but also have a slideshow of the dogs' lives as puppies and a special doggy cake and dog-friendly favor bags for the guests. Sounds great for the dogs, but your wedding night must be a lot less exciting when you've been

neutered. Bill, how did Maz do on our quiz? He got six right, 12 more points. 14 is a good number for the league. All right, so Karen. Karen, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the suspect in the attack on Blank's husband pled not guilty. Nancy Pelosi. This week, the Federal Reserve announced its fourth interest rate hike to combat Blank.

The recession? Inflation, specifically. According to witnesses, the leader of the alt-right group Blank urged Donald Trump to use force to stay in power. Oh, proud boys. The other ones, the leader of the alt-right group Blank, urged Donald Trump to use force to stay in power. Oh, proud boys. The other ones, the Oath Keepers. This week, the Hard Rock Casino in Cincinnati announced

that their very first bet on a professional baseball game would be placed by Blank. Their boss. No. Charles. No, Pete Rose. Despite a drop in U.S. cases, the WHO says that Blanky box is still a global concern.

Monkey box. Monkey box. This week, a woman in the U.K. redecorating her house was shocked when she pulled down the wallpaper and discovered a note that said blank. Hi, I'm a bug. No, the note said, quote, if you ever need to wallpaper this room, it will take eight rolls. I bought six and didn't have enough. It really pissed me off. Unquote.

Wow. That's amazing. Hilarious. Have you ever hit that level of rage where you think, I am so angry, I'm going to go help a person yet unborn? Bill, how did Karen do in our quiz?

Well, she was close in so many, but wound up with only two points. Four more gives her a total of six. Yay! Yay! So, how many, then, does Hari need to win? Five to tie and six to win. All right. Here we go, Hari.

This is for the gang. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the right-wing party of blank once again won an election in Israel. Oh, Benjamin Netanyahu. Yes. This week, Russia announced that it would cooperate with a program guaranteeing the safety of grain shipments out of blank. Ukraine. Right. This week, streaming giant

blank unveiled its ad-supported plan. Netflix? Yes. On Monday, Jewish leaders warned about rising evidence of blank in GOP campaign materials. Anti-Semitism? Yes. This week, a scuba diver in distress near Catalina Island was rescued by blank. Um, a dolphin. No, several women in mermaid costumes.

Following the release of her new album, blank became the first artist to claim the entire top ten songs on the Billboard Hot 100 list. Taylor Swift. Yes. This week an Alaska Airlines flight was delayed because the two pilots assigned to the flight blanked. Eloped. No. The two pilots assigned to the flight hated each other.

The two pilots assigned to the flight hated each other The flight was delayed for over two hours After the pilots got into what the airline said was Quote, a professional disagreement Passengers knew something was up And the intercom opened up and a voice said If you look to your left, you'll see the Grand Canyon If you look to my left, you'll see a complete horse's ass Bill did hurry do well enough to win.

He's been in it. Five right, ten more points, 14, which means he's a co-champion with bonds. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists, with Christmas coming so early, what will be the big must-have present this year. But first, let me tell you all. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago

in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shana Donald. Thanks to the staff and crew here at the Studebaker Theatre. BJ Liedemann composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez-Simonides.

Special thanks to Oja Lopez. Peter Gwynn's salary at Wait, Wait is between zero and two million dollars. Our intern is Vaishnavi Naidu. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog.

And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Michael Danforth. Now panel, what will be the must have Christmas present this season? Mazdra Brani. If all those conspiracy theorist candidates win in the elections, the must have Christmas gift this year will be a bunker

so you can hide when they come to get you. Karen Cheese. Potatoes. And Hari Kondabolu. Mittens for feet. And if any of that happens, panel, we'll tell you about it here on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Mazra Brani, Karen Chee, and Hari Kondabolu.

Thanks to our fabulous audience at the Studebaker Theater. Thanks to all of you listening at home. I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.