Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - André De Shields

Episode Date: April 24, 2021

André De Shields, legend of Broadway, plays our game about canals or Narrow Ways. He is joined by panelists Mo Rocca, Negin Farsad, and Adam Burke.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Half lab, half poodle, half man. I'm a labradoo Bill. Bill Curtis. And now say hello to my little friend, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. My little friend, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill.

And as always, thank you to the fake audience who are so eager to get out of here and socialize with other fake people. Later on, we're going to be talking to Andre DeShields. He's a Broadway legend. He created the role of the Wizard in The Wiz and most recently won a Tony and a Grammy for his lead role in Hadestown. But now it's time for you to make your grand entrance on stage. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, my name is Courtney Wilkerson. I'm from Tampa, Florida, and I'm 21 years old. Wow, you just led with all the information. Now I have

nothing to ask you, and I feel I'm a little at sea. What can I tell you? What do you do in Tampa? have nothing to ask you. And I feel I'm a little at sea. What can I tell you? What do you do in Tampa? I'm a student at USF. I'm a political science major. Okay. You're a political science major. Can you explain everything and can you do it quickly? Yeah. No. What is your interest? Are you hoping to run for office someday? I'm actually more interested in maybe doing something in local government, nonprofit, addressing food security. That's my goal. Wow. So wait a minute, you actually want to do good rather than like run for office? Yeah, you know, it's pretty rare these days, it seems like sometimes. I don't think that's ever going to work, but good luck to you. I'll do my best. Courtney, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the comedian behind 5 O'Clock Somewhere News on IGTV.

You can see him at the Laughing Tap in Milwaukee, May 7th through the 8th. It's Adam Burke. Hi, Courtney. How are you? Hi, I'm great. Next, a comedian you can find on her podcast, Fake the Nation, and on the new Adult Swim series, Bird Girl, Sunday nights on the Cartoon Network, it's Nagin Farsan.

Oh, hello, Courtney. And it's a correspondent for CBS Sunday Morning and author of the New York Times bestselling Mobituaries, Great Lives Worth Reliving. It's Mo Rocca. Hi, Courtney. Hello. All right, Courtney, you, of course, are going to play Who's Bill this time. That's how we start our show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. Your job, you know this, correctly identify or explain just two of them.

Do that, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to do this? I'm ready. All right, Courtney, here's your first quote. Life is too short to not get drunk with your friends. That was 23-year-old Adriana Trigo letting NPR's Morning Edition know

that she's one of the many people who's trying to figure out how exactly they're going to have fun once what is over. The pandemic? Yes, the pandemic. With more than half of Americans having received at least one vaccine dose,

people are now beginning to talk about reentering normal life. But how will we do it? What will be the etiquette? When dining out, does your salad mask go to the left of your entree mask or vice versa? Is a high five an acceptable substitute when normally you'd hug? How about at a funeral? The trend in post-pandemic dating, we are told will be quote honesty bombing and that's being up

front and honest about everything right away because we now know after the pandemic there's just no more time to waste screwing around if you date if you go on a date post pandemic expect the person to open with right i don't care about the avengers movies or sports i worry about becoming my mother and i will and i load the dishwasher all wrong now you go oh is one of us supposed to go no apparently this is like nobody has time to like waste times with anybody who's not clearly or is obviously not right for them so apparently they're just like nope you're done sorry yeah it's funny that they say that and I know that they've all just watched 40,000 hours of streaming television. So I'm not sure if I'm buying that everyone is suddenly very time conscious all of a sudden.

How do you swipe left in person? Like, do you literally just swipe the person? I think you just push them off the bar stool and see who's behind them. I think you just push them off the barstool and see who's behind them. But wait, I'm not even in this age group, and I am theoretically taken. However, I— You're married with a child, Nagin. Just pointing that out in case you got lost in theory. Those are minor details, Peter. Nagin, was that part of your vows?

I do, theoretically. I made my vows before there was a pandemic. So who knows? Who knows? Nagin, you get a pandemic pass. That's what I'm saying. To all the married ladies out there, pandemic pass. To Nagin's earlier point, loving the time of adultery,

I feel like there's so many more ways to get caught now, you know, like whose lipstick is that on your mask? You know, that's just the pattern. It's just a, it's a, it's a Rolling Stones logo. If somebody comes home with like lipstick right in the front of their mask, you realize it has been a long time and they've forgotten some basic, basic technique. No, this is true. One study found that two in three people have said that staying at home has changed what they're looking for in a future partner

in that now they're looking for anybody. Please, oh God, I'm so lonely. We're all looking for someone who delivers. Pretty much, as it were. All right, Courtney, here is your next quote. It's a true Wright Brothers moment. That was NASA's official Twitter account, maybe getting a little too excited as they talked about the first flight ever to happen where? I believe it's Mars.

Yes, Courtney, it is Mars. This week, with their Ingenuity robot helicopter, NASA made the first ever flights of a vehicle on another planet. It was so exciting and thrilling, a triumph for America, right until it somehow got stuck in a tree. You know, because it's essentially like a drone, right? But it's not really a toy helicopter flying unless there's another rover next to the Perseverance rover going, Oh, give me a go, give me a go, my turn. You had like 10 minutes. It seems a shame that there are no Martian children to clap their hands there.

But honestly, if you see the video, I hate to be the guy to say this, but if you see the video, it doesn't look that impressive because it just real gently goes up a little. It doesn't even, it goes up like 10 feet. Essentially, your hand can get right there where it goes, okay? It's not like it went really far.

And the whole thing lasted 40 seconds. I mean, what is this, modeled after my sex life? Hey! I did notice that Orville and Wilbur Wright were trending on Twitter when this was happening, right? I think so, but I don't know if that was the reason. I'm not sure. I vaguely remember something else going on. No, it's because of their sex tape.

And the worst part is like the Wright Brothers sex tape, it's like it's black and white and their movement is so quick and jerky. It's just not fun. And who is this Kitty Hawk they keep going on about? And again, it only lasted nine seconds and everyone was really excited. All right, Courtney, here is your last quote. It was like we killed someone.

That was the president of the Real Madrid Soccer Club talking about the intense backlash to his team's plan to join what newly announced organization oh uh can i get a hint well i it's hard because it came and it went so quickly it happened in europe like a new soccer league like a super soccer league that's it you just got it super league very good courtney it was supposed to be huge they were going to take the top 12 teams in all soccer and form their own Super League, the most earth-shaking event in soccer in half a century. A huge realignment of, oh, wait, now it's over.

No, the whole thing turned out to be just like a soccer game. It took a few hours to play out. There were a couple of moments of excitement, but in the end, nothing happened, and the fans rioted anyway. I mean, you could tell this was going to fail straight away from the name, right? Super League. Well, that sounds good, though. No, that sounds like when you ask your grandmother to buy you Avengers toys and she shows up with Super League. Is this what you wanted? It's not Iron Man. Like off-brand Avengers.

It's not like Steel Man. Oh, yes. Sergeant America. No, this is what you wanted, right? It was like this guy. It's Fer like Steel Man. Oh, yes. Sergeant America. No, this is what you wanted, right? It was like this guy. It's Ferris guy and Tarantula dude. Was the American League like, hey, we still exist, guys.

We're really still here, though. And the entire continent of Europe just laughed exactly like Adam did. That's adorable. The adorable league. Oh, it's so cute. So cute. Bill, how did Courtney do on our quiz?

Courtney pulled it off with a perfect score. Congratulations, Courtney. I love the way you pulled out that last one. That was fabulous. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for playing. Good luck in your career, and good luck when you finally get back out there, and I hope you make up for lost time.

I'll try. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. See you, Courtney. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Nagin, special effects have gotten so advanced, we are told that soon we will be able to add what to classic old movies? So

there's a new technology that allows us to go back into old-timey movies and change... Or add. Or add. Yes. Like features onto tattoos? You know, I've seen Gone with the Wind so many times, but i never noticed that scarlet had a

tramp stamp until now i love it tara the tara tramp stamp i need a hint i don't understand here here's your hint here's looking at you kid thanks to my lasik surgery. Product placement, product placement. Yes, product placements. There you go. They might and soon will be adding product placements to older material. Don't worry, we are promised it will be subtle. So, for example, imagine the big chariot race in the movie Ben-Hur. Charlton Heston, you know, is about to win the race, but who's coming up behind him but the 2021 Kia Sorento with a power liftgate. Now, I should say, this is all hypothetical for now, but they are using this technology to add things to things that are already filmed.

So far, they've used it for some TV shows in China and some music videos. And there are a lot of people who say, well, don't worry about it. No one will ever dare advertisements to classic films. But on the other hand, money, money, money, money, money, money. Oh, my God. And so, like, it's not going to, the Bates Motel will now be the Bates Motel 6. Exactly.

They'll leave the light on for you. Wait, so you're not. Yeah, I can see that. Play it for me, Sam. You played it for her Spotify playlist. Exactly. Stella Artois! Coming up, we'll tell you how to live your best life now, but

not before we read the sponsorship announcements. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. I'm Yo-Wei Shaw. I'm Kia Miyakunatis. We're the hosts of the NPR podcast, Invisibilia. You can think of Invisibilia kind of like a sonic blacklight.

When you switch us on, you will hear surprising and intimate stories. Stories that help you notice things in your world that maybe you didn't see before. Listen to the Invisibilia podcast from NPR. From NPR and WVEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Mo Rocca,

Adam Burke, and Nagin Farsad. And you can spread your cream cheese on whatever you want. I'm spreading mine on a Segal. Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Right now, it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, this is Indira from Tarrytown. Oh, I know Tarrytown because I used to travel across the Tappan Zee Bridge back when it was a death trap. What do you do up there? I do anti-bias work and I'm a voice actor. How very cool. A couple of questions. What sort of things do you do? So if you've ever been to a Pandora jewelry conference as a salesperson, you might have heard me. I've done Olay, Pandora Jewelry. I've done MGM Resorts. I'm basically naming every audition and job I've ever gotten because there are very few and far between. That's how it is, sadly, in the performing arts. Yes.

Well, it's nice to have you with us, Indira. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Indira's topic? I retire. Retirement, when you can kick back and never again have to talk to your ungrateful producers who, frankly, you have been carrying on your back for years, though they will never admit it. Oh, I'm sorry. Anyway, this week we read about someone who is really enjoying the retirement lifestyle. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, the wait-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

Yes, can't wait. All right. Well, you don't have to because we'll start with Adam Burke. On paper, Simon Drayton is a typical retiree. He likes to get up early, is in bed around 8 p.m, and spends his day with a mixture of easygoing activities. Murder She Wrote reruns on TV, a game of Pinochle with his fellow residents, maybe a round of bingo before supper. All pretty normal, except for the fact that Drayton is 26 years old and still a full-time employee of a brand management firm in Manhattan. Drayton is just one of a number of Gen Z individuals who are members of the Early Sunset Retirement Group,

a sort of baby boomer cosplay society operating in Brooklyn, New York, that gathers at a special facility to emulate the retirement utopia of their grandparents. One member, 23-year-old Sonal Khan, says the best part is playing Mahjong with the other fogies at early sunset. It can get immersive, explains early sunset founder Josh Dutton. You'll get these perfectly healthy 20-year-olds complaining about fictitious aches and maladies. It's a bit like a LARP, he said, using an abbreviation for live action role play. Or, he adds, L-A-A-R-P. 20-somethings in Brooklyn pretending to be retirees and really enjoying it. Your next story of someone enjoying their retirement comes from Nagin Farsad.

Cheryl and Edward Patton of Hamburg, New York were mystified. They couldn't figure out who was throwing used coffee cups on their front yard. And it didn't just happen once or twice. It happened nearly every day for three years. The Patton started collecting the offending coffee cups as evidence and actually installed cameras to try to catch the coffee cup perp, but he was good at flinging and evading the cameras. So a bunch of neighbors joined forces, setting up elaborate stakeouts until they finally got a license plate number. The cops eventually managed to catch him in the act, and it turns out the coffee cups were being tossed by 76-year-old Larry Pope. Apparently, Larry and Cheryl were co-workers before their golden years, and on the job, Larry made it a practice to be constantly annoyed with her.

He held on to that annoyance well after his retirement and out a minor vendetta against an old co-worker via coffee cups. At the end of the day, Larry's impressive because he's really broadening the scope of hashtag retirement goals. A man who decided to spend three years of his retirement taking petty vengeance at an old co-worker he did not like. Your last story of a relaxing retiree comes from Mo Rocca. When Louisa Henry was a young woman just starting at the Dexter shoe factory in Lawrence, Massachusetts, her life was filled with promise. Her cheeks the color of rose tips, her lips like red apples. With her delicate fingers, she attached the shoes' eyelets. Her fiancé, the strapping Buck Jordan, cut the tongues for the shoes. Oh, Louisa was happy.

But soon, Buck went mad from arsenic poisoning and drowned himself in the Merrimack River. The factory closed, and Louisa, in her despair, turned to the only other work she knew, crafting artificial flowers from wax and wire for Lawrence's ladies of fashion to wear. But eventually she went blind, and the convent of St. Leo's gave her a room in the basement, which is where Louisa discovered her retirement passion. She feels around for dust bunnies, which she shapes into holiday toys. I turn dust bunnies into toy bunnies, blind old Louisa says meekly. Each Christmas, the people of Lawrence, a goodly people, line up to buy these clumps of dust from Louisa. Everyone plays along, even the people with severe allergies, because

Louisa has had a very hard life, and she deserves to believe that her clumps look like bunnies. All right, Indira, we read about one of these retirees from Adam Burke, a 20-something who's not really retired, but is enjoying it now anyway at retirement camp in Brooklyn, from Nagin, a man who has spent his retirement throwing coffee cups for three years into the yard of an old co-worker, or from Mo, the Dickensian tale of the lady from Lawrence, Massachusetts, who spends her golden years making bunnies out of dust bunnies. Which of these is the real story of retirement we found?

I feel like it's Adam's, but I'm going to go with Moe just because I want it to be Moe's, and I know it's not. You're going to go with Moe. All right. I admire that. I absolutely admire that. To bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone involved in this real retirement. About three years ago, we began to see a steady procession of cups, one a day, and it would appear it was somebody with an issue with my family. That was Ed Patton, the man who was on the receiving end of the avalanche of cups that came over his fence once per night for three years. You may even have known this, but Nagin had the real answer.

Mo, however, in addition, I think, to touching us deeply in our hearts, lied. And, of course, you gave him a point. Indira, I'm going to send you a wax and wire flower. Indira, thank you so much for playing with us. It's a delight to talk to you. We'll listen for you the next time we hear somebody going on about Oil of Olay. Great. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Bye. Bye. Bye, Indira. Just a cup of coffee on a rainy day. Just another cup of coffee in an ordinary corner cafe. And now the game where we ask very classy people to go back and repeat a grade. It's called Not My Job.

Andre De Shields may not be the most famous actor in the world, but he is without question the coolest. He is an actor, a singer, choreographer, writer, musician, lyricist, a professor, and an absolute icon of style. He recently played the god Hermes in Hadestown on Broadway. He'll be playing King Lear at the St. Louis Shakespeare Festival this summer. Andre De Shields, what a pleasure to have you on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you very much. I feel at home already. I saw you once referred, it was about Hadestown. It was around the time you won the Tony. And the statement was, it's just true that Andre De Shields is the coolest man in New York. Do you accept that title?

Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah. Coolest man in New York. But I've been working on it for 75 years now. Even when I was a poor, ragged, colored boy in Baltimore, Maryland, I had style. I had cool. I had self-possession. I had style. I had cool. I had self-possession. And I had a dream that one day I was going to be in New York on Broadway.

Me on Lights and Brights. There you are. Did your peers, did your parents, your family encourage you in this? Or did they say, yeah, right, Andre. You're going to be on Broadway. Yeah, right, Andre. Why don't you get serious and look for a job? And when you hear things like that, you have to keep your dream close to your vest because you don't want it to get sullied. Yeah. Yeah. For those who haven't seen Hadestown on Broadway, and I hope- Who's that? Who has- I mean, the show begins with you just walking on stage.

If I remember correctly, nothing has happened yet. Well. No, am I wrong? No, no, no, you're not wrong, but I just want to give you a small adjustment. Please. When the stage manager says, warning, go, it's the entire company except Hermes that explodes onto the stage.

And then Hermes enters from stage left and threads the needle all the way to stage right. That's what mesmerizes the audience. Right. I'm not surprised to hear that. I forgot that anyone else existed as soon as you walked on stage, because I cannot, to hear that I forgot that anyone else existed as soon as you walked on stage. Because I cannot, I wish I could describe the manner in which you carry yourself as Hermes the God, or maybe just as Andre De Shields. Do you practice that? When you go out in the street,

do you know that you are Andre De Shields, damn it, and you are going to walk. Don't have to practice it any longer. Now, when I do interviews and people ask, who has influenced you? Who are your idols? I reveal something that usually freezes the interviewer's face. My true idol is Yul Brynner. Consider my face frozen. Yul Brynner. Consider my face frozen. Yul Brenner. Now, in every movie that Yul Brenner does, the director, doesn't matter who the director is, pulls back the camera and pans Yul Brenner as he

walks and he swaggers. And as a young boy, when I saw The Ten Commandments, I said, I have to cop that. So that was my own business at the time until I got my first review in a New York newspaper and the reviewers wrote, Mr. DeShields, why walk when you can strut? And I said, yes. why walk when you can strut and i said yes but you know as they say he had hit the nail on the head now when you when when you made it big and i don't know when you would put that maybe when you created the role of the wizard yet did you ever go back to baltimore in one of your beautiful tailored suits and strut around? Absolutely. In 2019, after 50 years of sowing my seeds, I finally was able to reap my harvest when I received the Tony Award for Best Featured Actor in a Musical. You get 90 seconds to deliver your acceptance speech. So I thought, let me drop a

little wisdom bomb on the 9 million people watching. And the first thing I said was, Baltimore, are you in the house? Because I am making good on the oath I swore to you when I left in 1964, that someday I would do something to make you sufficiently proud that you would claim me as your native son. And that was that night. And did Baltimore respond? Did they have an Andre DeShields Day, for example? The then mayor invited me back to Baltimore and gave me the key to the city. There you go.

Yeah. Now, can I just say, Andre, when I fell under your spell in 1988, I was an usher over the summer at the National Theater in Washington, D.C. Ain't Misbehavin' came through

a revival of the show. So I got to watch you 40 times. And I looked at you and I thought, I want to be your understudy in this show. Will they ever take a look at me for that? Well, that time is coming. I would love to see you play the Viper in Ain't Misbehavin'. I just don't know that I could actually sing the role.

It would just be too, I don't know, it would be too challenging. But Mo, you remember my tour de force moment in Ain't Misbehavin' is... I can't give you anything but love, baby. It's the one thing I got plenty of, baby. Talk about dreaming a while, screaming a while. Next. Same reefer song, Viper's Drag. That's the tour de force. Wait, start it, start it. I dreamed about a reefer, five feet long. A might immense, but not too strong. No offense, Mo, but I'm really glad I got to see Andre DeShields do that role. Well, Andre DeShields, what a joy to talk to you. But we have asked you here today to play a game that we're calling...

The Great Narrow Way. You're a star of Broadway, so why not ask you three questions about narrow ways, specifically canals. Answer two out of three questions correctly, and you will win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of their choice on their voicemail. Bill, who is lucky enough to have Andre DeShields playing for them right now? Bill Kennedy of Portland, Oregon. All right. Here's your first question. You probably noticed that the Suez Canal was blocked for about a week by a ship that got stuck there last month. Well, that is not the only time that happened.

On another occasion, the Suez Canal was blocked by what? A, a sign a prankster put up right at the entrance saying, do not enter shark infested waters. B, a whole fleet of ships that were stranded in the middle of the canal for eight years. Or C, a very, very fat whale. It's B! Yes, it is B. It is a whole fleet of ships got stranded in the canal when it was closed during the six day war between Israel and Egypt. And they stayed there for

eight years. Next question. The Suez Canal was supposed to feature something that ended up being used elsewhere. What was it? Was it A, the Statue of Liberty, B, the Mall of America, or C, the Rockettes? The Statue of Liberty. That's right. The sculptor of the Statue of Liberty, Monsieur Bartoli,

first conceived the big lady statue to be putting at the entrance of the Suez Canal and the Egyptians said, yeah, no. So he just kind of redesigned it and said, America, how would you like it? And now we have it. So there you are. All right. Last question. The most famous canals are probably those in Venice. It was while filming on the canals in Venice that Catherine Hepburn changed her life forever. What happened? A, she decided that she had to have canals of her own and spent 30 years digging them around her house in

Connecticut. B, she insisted in all her contracts going forward that she would only travel to and from set by gondola. Or C, she jumped into the canal, which was so filthy, it caused an eye infection that lasted for the rest of her life. I think it's the eye infection. You're right, Andre. That's what happened. She insisted on doing her own stunt. So she jumped into the canal three times, three takes, got some sort of conjunctivitis and it just pestered her for the rest of her life. So remember everybody, don't do your own stunts.

Well, do your own stunts, but don't do it in a canal. Right. Do your own stunts unless the stunt involves jumping into the canals and benefits. I think we can establish that. That's such wonderfully specific advice. Yes, exactly. Bill, how did Andre DeShields do in our quiz? He got three out of three.

And Andre, that means you're the biggest winner we've ever had here. Yay! How did I do for him? Andre DeShields is a Tony Award winning actor, writer, choreographer in June. If you are lucky and make plans, you can see him as King Lear at the St. Louis Shakespeare Festival and then, God willing, back on Broadway. More at stlshakes.org. Andre DeShields, thank you so much. What an absolute joy to talk to you.

It's been my pleasure. Thank you very much. Bravo. Thank you, Andre. Thank you, Andre. In just a minute, Bill gets chummy with the gang at Jurassic Park. From the listener at Limerick Challenge, call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Whether you're looking to discover a new series to binge, find your next great read,

or check out that movie everyone's talking about, NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast is your guide to all things entertainment. Every weekday, we keep pop culture in high spirits. Listen now to the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Nagin Farsad, Mo Rocca, and Adam Burke. And here again is your host, the man who just asked for a slight change to his intros. It's Peter DeSegos. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill is taken to the

Hague and charged with war rhymes. In our Listener Limerick Challenge, if you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Mo, people have marveled at prehistoric cave paintings like at Lascaux.

Now, scientists now suggest that the strange artistic genius of those cave paintings might have happened because the artists were what? Drunk. Close enough. Stoned out of their minds. Yeah, well, for centuries, we've wondered how these ancient cavemen created their art. And one possible answer is the lack of oxygen

in these deep caves created a condition called hypoxia, which can lead to feeling elated or high. Now, the scientists tested this by going into the caves at Lascaux with a blacklight lamp, and it just blew their minds. At the Lascaux Bros.

Was it just, like, images of, like, Cheetos on the wall? It would be really funny if like next to the amazing paintings of animals and hunters, there were like little smears of Cheeto dust. It's like, aha! Well, I mean, has anyone seen Ringo Starr in that movie Caveman? I mean, they all do act kind of like the stone. Okay, but Mo, I hate to bring this up. I don't think that was a documentary.

I know. You're pointing to that like it was a work of science. If I remember correctly, that's one of those movies that advanced the scientific idea that an ancient cavewoman wore bikinis. Made of fur. Mo, there is a new service available for people who love to read but hate to read. A new company is offering new versions of classic literature that are what? Ooh, edible. It's so interesting.

I wondered if there's a service where it's acted out for you. No. But that would just be a movie. Can you give me a clue? You barely even have time to curl up with it they're they're reduced to like tiny 30 second ads well almost i'll give it to you they take all kinds of books and they reduce them to 12 minutes think of it as the quibi of reading that's quibi i don't remember anyway if you love to say you are an avid reader but want to be able to read a full book during a Hulu commercial break, then 12min.com is the site for you.

They have this online catalog of books, bestsellers, classics. And if you sign up, they will distill them into a length you can read in 12 minutes. Now, this is good. This does not ruin books. Sometimes it improves them. Even a short story can be better if shorter. For example, for sale, baby shoes, the end. See?

This still sounds too long for me. I want the Anna Karenina TikTok. Ooh, there's a train coming. And that's it. Not all books get better when they're shorter. Nobody wants to read a book called Moby. But people would want to read a book called Yes! I guess it depends

how you cut it. Mo, a woman in Scotland got fed up and moved from the house she loved because she was sick of seeing what? Her neighbors is not going to be interesting. I need a clue, please. They kept yelling out the window, wash, rinse, repeat. You forgot to repeat again.

Oh, got sick of seeing shampoo voyeurs, people who were watching her wash her hair. No, she wasn't being washed. She got sick of watching other people wash their hair. I'll give it to you. She was sick of watching her neighbors bathe in their bathroom all the time. So she's moving. A woman sold her home. She bought this beautiful home

in the Scotland countryside. The next thing she knows, the land next to her house is sold. A house is built on it. And that house's bathroom is basically right outside her kitchen window. Oh, gosh. Right?

So her dream was to be alone. And the neighbor's dream was get a load of this bad booty. It's tough in new york i mean i'm right across the street um i mean i look directly out into the reading room of this library and during the pandemic the reading room has been closed so i've been able to go back to kind of being in my natural state um you know because before like let's just say people weren't getting a lot of reading done.

You're saying, you're saying, you're saying. I'm for literacy and I want people to read. And they weren't reading when I was walking out of the shower, I'll tell you that. They were more interested on the second half of Moby. Exactly. You look lovely today. With a smile all over your face Baby, don't you change a thing I'm telling you honestly

That you look lovely today Lovely today Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And be sure to check us out on Instagram at waitwaitnpr.

You'll find more info on this week's show, and you'll get a chance to explore the very beautiful mind of our very own social media influencer, Emma Choi. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi. Hi, who's this? This is Kathy. Where are you calling from, Kathy? I'm actually calling from the kitchen at work, but it's Madison, Connecticut.

What are you doing at work? Who goes to work these days? I know. I work at the Madison Beach Hotel, but during the day, I'm a literacy coach. Oh, good for you. And do you feel okay working in a hotel? Are people staying in hotels again? Yes, very safe. We have a great HEPA filter. Can I say that that sounds like a pickup line? Like, I hear you've got a great HEPA filter. It's a good one.

Well, welcome to the show, Kathy. Thank you. Bill Curtis is now going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play? Wonderful. I'm ready to play. All right. Here is your first limerick. I'm a dino whose arms don't extend. Still these party invites I will send. I'm tyrannic no more. I'm a popular sore.

I'm tyrannic no more. I'm a popular sore. I'm a T-Rex who has lots of... Friends. Yes, friends. A new study suggests that rather than being lone predators, T-Rexes were very social and loved hanging out in packs, which must have been hard.

Imagine trying to put your friendship bracelet on when your little arms can't even reach each other. Now, this evidence comes from a collection of fossils found in a mass grave in Utah called, and I kid you not, the Rainbows and Unicorns Quarry. What a great name for a mass death site. And it included multiple T-Rex skeletons and a fossilized Groupon for a fun canoeing weekend. Peter, Peter, why is this a surprise? The name of the show was Barney and Friends. You're right. And that we know, archaeologically accurate.

You know, I think, I just basically think the asteroid was a mistake that I think was a much cooler planet when dinosaurs ruled the earth. And I'm kind of sorry that we got to take over because I just don't think we're as cool it was meant to hit us it just got here early yeah i know i mean every seven year every seven year old in america is like oh yes he's right he's right they're cooler alternate theory is that it wasn't an asteroid it was just that they ran out of brunch places so they're a social being and then that's. And that killed them. Yeah, either that or the endless mimosas. I love it. I love it.

Wrecks in the city. All right. Here is your next limerick, Kathy. Jeff Bezos, the bald billionaire, grabs clippers and points to the chair. He claims Amazon is a fancy salon. His delivery team now cuts... Hair. Yes, the very first Amazon hair salon

opened in London on Tuesday. And I know what you're thinking. If there's one person I would definitely trust with my hair, it's Jeff Bezos. The salon, in addition to actually cutting your hair, it features these augmented reality hair consultations, and it uses Amazon visualization technology to show you what you will look like with different hairstyles. Unfortunately, this augmented reality system that allows you to change your look on a whim only works before you get your haircut. You will then still live in reality where you cannot pull off bangs.

Wait, so do they actually offer haircuts yeah or is it so what happens so they send one of the drones and then you just stick your head out the window apparently at the end no it's an actual i mean you probably have seen them uh that amazon has been opening for the last few years retail stores uh retail bookstores and food stores uh And this is their latest foray. Is there a thing after you get your haircut that's like people who got this haircut also got like this? The real dangerous, there is. And the sad thing is people who got this haircut also were interested in a whole bunch of hats. All right.

We have one more limerick for you, Kathy. We lumberjacks think this is good. We shall be where Neil Armstrong has stood. Astrophysical laws need our axes and saws on a satellite made out of... Wood. Right. You are right. Wood. Take that, good ideas.

There's a wooden satellite in town. A group of Finnish engineers is going to launch the first ever working satellite made of wood. It's called WoodSat, and it looks like pretty much what an eight-year-old would make if you gave him some plywood and told him to build a satellite. It's sort of this square thing with an antenna. It is equipped with scientific instruments and two cameras. Those cameras will be pointed mostly at itself to capture the historic moment it bursts into flames.

This must have been invented by yuppie parents. Oh, we only want wooden toys for our kids. We're only doing Danish modern in our satellites right now. Bill, how did Kathy do on our quiz? Kathy came to play. Three zip and a perfect score. Oh, how did Kathy do on our quiz? Kathy came to play.

Three zip and a perfect score. Oh, congratulations, Kathy. Yay, thanks. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me. Now onto our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points.

Bill, can you give us the scores? Nagin has two, Adam has two, and Mo has four. Oh my gosh. So Nagin and Adam are tied for second. I'm going to arbitrarily choose Nagin to go first. Here we go. Nagin, the clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in that blank. On Wednesday, the Justice Department announced an investigation into policing practices in blank. Minneapolis, Minneapolis, Minnesota. That's right. On Tuesday, President Biden announced plans to cut U.S. blank emissions in half by 2030. Carbon emissions.

Yeah, carbon and greenhouse gases. This week, Pfizer said that they had discovered fake blank doses in Mexico and Poland. Uh, vaccine doses? Right, yes. On Monday, the retail union attempting to organize blanks workers in Alabama claimed the company illegally interfered with their vote. Amazon? Yes. For a second week in a row, blank claims fell more than expected. Job unemployment claims?

Yes. This week, a poacher in South Africa was prevented from killing any rhinos after he snuck into a national park and was promptly blanked. He was promptly given a parade. No, he was promptly trampled by a stampede of elephants. So now we've learned that elephants never forget and never forgive after officials at the Kruger National Park in South Africa found the pancaked poacher in the heart of the park. It's hard to know if the

elephants trampled him intentionally, but rangers do say that the track show that they did that thing where they ran over him and then they reversed and they ran over him again, just to be sure. It's dark. It's true though. Bill, how did Nagin do in our quiz? Nagin has five right for 10 more points. She now has 12 and moves into the lead. All right. Well done. Next up is Adam. Please fill in the blank. On Thursday, the House passed a bill that would grant statehood to blank. Washington, D.C. Yes. According to a new report, the CDC is close to resuming distribution of blank's vaccine. Johnson & Johnson. Right. This week, Derek Chauvin was found guilty in all charges in the murder of blank.

George Floyd. Right. On Wednesday, Senator Murkowski joined Democrats to confirm Vanita Gupta to a position in the blank. Oh, in the Attorney General's office? Yeah, Department of Justice. That's good. During a commercial promoting a new nationwide weapons amnesty program, Czech police joked you could even turn in a tank, but they were still surprised when someone blanked. Turned in a tank?

Of course. On Wednesday, the White House announced it was ending a Trump-era challenge to blanks auto-emission standards. The EPAs? No, California's. On Tuesday, the USDA said it would extend its free blank program for school students through June of 2022. Free lunch?

Yes. This week, a jogger running in the Grand Tetons avoided a bear attack by blanking. Proposing marriage? No, he did it by reasoning calmly with the bear. That's the correct answer, Peter. The jogger caught the whole thing on video, and in it, you can see that the bear. That's the correct answer, Peter. The jogger caught the whole thing on video and in it you can see that the bear steps out of the woods

and starts to approach him to which the jogger says, hey, no, I am not your food. And his car was over a half a mile away and he continues to move away from the bear, talking to the bear the entire time, talking it out of an attack.

Eventually, he convinces the bear to leave him alone by asking if it wanted to be a guest on his podcast. Was that bear by any chance wearing a little green hat and a tie? Because it does sound smarter than the average bear. The average bear, yes. Bill headed Adam doing our quiz.

Adam had six right for 12 more points. He now has 14 and the lead. All right. How many bears does Mr. Waka need to win? Six to win, five to tie. All right. Mo, here we go. This is for the game.

On Monday, the White House announced that every adult in the U.S. was now eligible for blank. For a vaccination. Right. On Wednesday, it was reported that Russia would begin to withdraw troops from their border with blank. Ukraine. Yes. This week, India set a global one-day record for new blank cases. Coronavirus. Yes. On Wednesday, over a thousand people in Russia were arrested while protesting the treatment of Putin critic blank.

Navalny. Right. Even though he was hired in 2005, a man in Italy is now being accused by his employer of not blanking in 15 years. Showing up to work. Right. After hitting a record high of $64,000 last week, cryptocurrency blank dropped over 20%. Bitcoin. Yes. Best known as Jimmy Carter's vice president, blank, of Minnesota, passed away at the age of 93. Walter Mandalay. Yes. This week, in an attempt to get a full month of marriage leave, a man in Taiwan blanked his wife.

Divorced and remarried her. Yes. But what he did was he married her, then divorced her, then married her, then divorced her, then married her, then divorced her, and then married her again. In Taiwan, employers are required to provide eight days of marriage leave to all newlyweds, but the man thought he could game the system by marrying and divorcing his wife three times in three days. Sadly, his employers caught on and only granted him the eight days. Even worse, his wife refused to marry him a fourth time, saying, sorry, you've already been divorced three times. Clearly, you've got commitment issues. Bill, how did Moe do in our quiz? Did he

do well enough to win? Very well. He got eight right for 16 more points. That means he does win with a total of 20, and he's the champion. Oh my gosh, Mo. Congratulations, Mo. Corruption. Yay. And just a minute, our panelists predict after the Super League debacle, what will be the next big misstep

in professional sports. But first, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godica, Reitzar Limericks. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our social media superstar is Emma Choi. Our web guru is Beth Noby. BJ Lederman, composer, theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornboss, and Lillian King. Our pajama chief, our PJ Leader Man is Peter Gwynn. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller.

Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next big mistake in professional sports? Adam Burke? Two words. Concrete basketball. Nagin Farsad.

A new mashup called Table Tennis MMA. And Mo Rocca. Super Bowl halftime show featuring Nickelback. If any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait. Wait, don't tell me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Adam Burke, Nagin Farsad, and Mo Rocca. Thanks to all of you for listening.

I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.