Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Barry Sonnenfeld Calling

Episode Date: February 15, 2020

Director Barry Sonnenfeld joins us again, along with panelists Alonzo Bodden, Helen Hong, and Tom Papa.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEC Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Hey, coronavirus, you can't touch me. I've got a clean bill of health. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Segal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you all so much. We have a wonderful show for you today. Barry Sonnenfeld, the director behind the Men in Black movies and the series of Unfortunate Events on Netflix. He'll be joining us right here later on. He'll be joining us right here later on.

But first, you may have noticed that Michael Bloomberg has been paying people all over the media to say nice things about him. And I just want to say, that's a great idea. And shows that Mayor Bloomberg is just the kind of visionary leader we need. Or improvise something that sounds sincere, thank you. You don't have to pay us to take your call. It's a toll-free number. Come play our games.

Call us at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Stephanie calling from San Francisco. Oh, how are things in San Francisco?

You know, 55 degrees and a little bit foggy as always. Hang up on her. It's cold here in Chicago. And what do you do there in San Francisco? I'm a people scientist. I'm sorry, you said you're a people scientist? Correct. What is that?

Well, I'm a psychologist by training, and I use data to understand what's going to make people happy at work. Oh, really? Yeah. Would the answer be leaving work? Sometimes that is helpful. Well, welcome to the show, Stephanie. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian and actor who stars on The Unicorn on CBS and the new Netflix series The Expanding Universe of Ashley Garcia premiering February 17th. It's Helen Hong.

Hi. Hello. Next, it's a comedian who will be at the Laugh Camp Comedy Club in St. Paul, Minnesota, March 27th through the 29th. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello. Finally, it's a comedian whose new stand-up special, You're Doing Great, is streaming on Netflix right now. It's Tom Papa. Hooray.

So welcome to the show, Stephanie. We're glad to have you. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. You know the rules. Bill Curtis is going to recite, recreate for you three quotes from the week's news. Simply identify or explain two of them. You win our prize. You ready to play? So excited.

All right. Here is your first quote. Clobmentum. Clobmentum was the word in all the pundits' lips this week after Who's surprising third-place showing in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday. Would that be Amy Klobuchar? It would be Amy Klobuchar.

Very good. This week saw the second state to vote, and out of nowhere, Amy Klobuchar took third place in the primary, beating Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, and three people whose names we have already forgotten. She was very excited about her last-minute surge. She told the crowd at her victory party, and then we're going to take third place in Nevada,

and then third place in South Carolina. Now, there is a debate about whether what she's experiencing is clomentum or clomentum. Physics nerds are all muttering, actually, it's clonertia. No one has yet suggested chlamydia. Amy Klobuchar is kind of like Brussels sprouts. You know, for years it was like, nah. And then suddenly, like, somebody added bacon, it was like, ooh.

Yes, Brussels sprouts. Amy Klobuchar, yeah, let's do this. The New Hampshire primary tells me that the four black people in New Hampshire have a different opinion than the three black people in Iowa. I'm just going to hold my momentum for a while. As for Bernie Sanders, right now he's yelling at his radio, I won! I won! Why aren't you talking about me? Well done, Peter. Well done.

Thank you. Right now I imitate Bernie Sanders. In about 20 years, I will be Bernie Sanders. I like how Bloomberg was just like, you know what? I don't go to places with a lot of woods. Well, Bloomberg wasn't going to bother with New Hampshire. He has vacation homes larger than New Hampshire. He's not going to go there.

Bloomberg could just buy New Hampshire. I was in a Lyft to come here from the O'Hare Airport, and my Lyft driver had a hip-hop station on, and there was a Bloomberg ad that came on the hip-hop station and he was like, as a billionaire, I understand that being black is hard. I'm Mike Bloomberg

and I approve this message and I was like, what is happening right now? Well, he knows being black is hard because he made it hard. I know. Not that it was easy beforehand, but how many times can you get frisked before you're like, you know, this is getting difficult. Man.

All right. Here is your next quote, Stephanie. You might have to drag me off when the quarantine ends. That was one of 2,600 people who were trying to put a positive spin on being quarantined for two weeks due to the coronavirus on a what? A cruise ship. A cruise ship. That's exactly right.

The Diamond Princess cruise ship should never have stopped in China and should never have offered the special liquor resident one-day shore excursion. When a coronavirus case appeared on board, authorities in Japan told the ship it had to be quarantined at the dock for two weeks with passengers stuck in their staterooms the whole time to avoid spreading terrible diseases and the coronavirus. Wait, so you're stuck in a room with your husband or wife or mother? Yes.

Oh, my God. It really sort of makes you think about who you're going to vacation with. It really does. When are people going to learn? Don't go on cruises. When are they going to learn? Anything you can do on those dumb boats, you can do here on land. Water slides, bad restaurants, big disgusting people with flip-flops and man boobs.

It's all here. This is the worst ad for Royal Caribbean cruise lines I've ever heard. Please. Come on. You're in this giant white toilet floating around from port to port. Everybody's sharing the food and sneezing on each other. Please, if I was on a cruise, being locked in my room

sounds like a joy. Tom, what cruise hurt you? You know what? It wasn't even a cruise. It was a buffet at TGI Friday. All right, Stephanie. And then I saw a boat go by. I was like, imagine if what's here was out there

and I couldn't leave here for six weeks. Stephanie, here is your last quote. Goop for gearheads? Why not? That was a marketing expert talking about a motorcycle company that's trying to change its image and become a lifestyle brand. What's the company? Is it Harley-Davidson? It is Harley-Davidson, It is Harley-Davidson, yeah.

Wow. Harley-Davidson, century-old motorcycle company, is attempting to rebrand itself as more of a wellness brand. So grab that salt lamp and smash it against your head like a beer bottle.

Harley's new ad campaign aims to show how riding a motorcycle is good for your mental and physical well-being. Because nothing screams wellness like the overwhelming possibility of getting doored by a Prius. The new tagline for Harley-Davidson is breathe, ride. Replacing the old tagline, hey dentists, here's an excuse to wear leather chaps. But Alonzo,

you ride motorcycles. Yes. You ride a lot of bikes, right? Yeah, I'm a bike guy. And when you go to these bike events and stuff and you see the guys

on Harleys, what's the average age of those guys? They're old enough to be on cruises. Maybe we're reading the slogan wrong Because everyone's so old

Maybe it's breathe, breathe Okay, now rock Bill Bill, how did Stephanie do in our quiz? I think Stephanie's on her way to get a Harley She got three right You're a winner, Steph Congratulations, Stephanie Thank you so much Thank you Bye-bye She got three right. You're a winner, Steph.

Congratulations, Stephanie. Thank you so much. Thank you. Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Alonzo, the Pentagon is setting up President Trump's new Space Force, and they have to plan a lot of things to do it. But first, they have asked the public to help them figure out what.

Why they're bothering with this nonsense? No. They're not allowed to ask that. I'll give you a hint. They have said it will not be space cadets. Oh, what to call the members. Yes, exactly right. The Space Force...

Yes, you got it right. The Space Force was created because President Trump thought it was cool and they couldn't figure out how to implement his other cool idea, a bowl of ice cream that never runs out. But what do you call people in the Space Force? The Army has soldiers, the Navy

has sailors, the Air Force has airmen, the Coast Guard has guardians of the Windark Sea. What do you call Space Force members? So they've asked the public, which you know is a mistake. Five years from now, your son is going to turn 18, and he's going to tell you he's enlisted to be a spacey McSpaceface. Well, what do they call in Star Trek,

what do they call the non-officers? Like if you're just a regular person. That's a really good question. They call those part-time actors. Yes. Among the ideas suggested are spacers, spaceforcers, space-a-nots, clobo-spacers, space-sailors, the upstairs navy,

and floaters. They should bring comedians in, actually. You think? Yes. For sure. Because we're good at knowing where it's going to be the mocking. Yeah. They could have used our help before they went with that whole semen angle. Yeah.

Yeah, we saw that one from 10 miles away. I think they did. The comics at the time were like, no, let him go with semen. Let him go with semen. This will be great. This is going to last for hundreds of years. Three, two, one, zero. We have to move.

Coming up, our panelists ring the dinner bell in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Tom Papa, Alonzo Bowden, and Helen Hong. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you so much, Bill.

Thank you, everybody. Thanks so much. Right now, of course, it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me bluff. The listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Carl Davy Romano, originally from the Chicagoland area, but now in Greenville, North Carolina. Carl, how could you ever leave our beautiful paradise by the lake?

Oh, yeah, good question. I do miss the winter weather. And do you ever, like, just, you know, try to bring Chicago to you by just being bitter sometimes? Oh, all the time. Do you enjoy living in North Carolina? It's okay.

Culture's something different, but it's pretty. Okay. Well, it's great to have you with us, Carl. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's the topic? This isn't a dinner party. It's a dinner catastrophe. Dinner parties are those wonderful events that people arrange for their friends so their friends can eat too much and drink too much

and then say dumb things that they will regret for the rest of their lives. Well, this week we read about a dinner party that really did have a bad ending for the host. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the real one and you'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Yes, I am. All right. Let's hear first from Tom Papa. Evergreen, Colorado can be a cold and lonely place in the winter.

With a population around 9,000 and snowstorms a regular occurrence, residents can go for weeks without having anyone to talk to, eat with, or play Twister against. So one can hardly blame a stir-crazy Colorado woman for reaching into her inner Etsy and planning a dinner party that quickly went off the rails.

Everything was going smoothly. The house was clean. The table was set. Teeth going smoothly. The house was clean. The table was set. Teeth were brushed. The only problem was that the only guests who showed up were covered in fur, had antlers on their heads, and hoof-like shoes that were actually hooves. Of course, the woman recorded the entire affair,

because why do anything these days if you can't post about it on Facebook? In the video, she invites a deer into her living room and serves up a bread buffet. Several other deer can be seen looking on from the front yard, apparently upset that they couldn't get in because they weren't on the guest list. The party was such a big hit

that the woman kept it going for a second day. This quickly turned into a three-day event, reminiscent of Woodstock. The third night was crazy, as the deer partied in the living room with their shirts off, while the woman fed them human cereal and even gave them nicknames.

She called them Mackenzie Faye and Sandra Faye, making one wonder what this Colorado woman was really sprinkling on top of that cereal. But the party ended, as most good ones do, when the police showed up. The deer were offended, the woman was annoyed, but they will always have the memory of those three days of peace, love, and Lyme disease. A woman invites a bunch of deer over for dinner and then gets in trouble. Your next story of a dining disaster comes from Helen Hong. Birthday gifts can be sweet. Birthday gifts can

be savory. But no birthday gift can match the delicious taste of payback. That's what Janet Kim, an accountant from Michigan, found out on her 34th birthday last week. The mild-mannered CPA thought she was celebrating the occasion with a low-key dinner party at her friend's home. But an hour into dinner, the doorbell rang and in stormed a trio of magic mic-type exotic male dancers, complete in firefighter gear. All right, all right, all right, I hear there's a birthday girl in here who's getting a little too hot, exclaimed a doughy dollar store Matthew McConaughey. In fact, none of the male strippers were exactly in great shape. And as Janet took a better look at one of them in particular, she exclaimed, Mr. Peters?

And as Janet took a better look at one of them in particular, she exclaimed, Mr. Peters? Turns out it was her old boss from one of Janet's first accounting jobs. Mr. Peters was a disgusting boss who would make jokes like, This is Janet, my little Shanghai surprise. Ha! Janet hated him. But it was her first job and she didn't know how to tell him to get lost. Well, times have changed.

Mr. Peters had since been fired for harassment and resorted to mail stripping to make ends meet. It was a great birthday surprise. Janet was pleased with the opportunity to make him work for once, shouting, I'm Korean, you dum-dum. While the seemingly humbled Mr. Peters took the opportunity to apologize, the night ended well. The usually reserved Janet got her revenge, and Mr. Peters left with his firefighter's helmet and his heart full of change.

And Janet had to admit, while he was a terrible racist and an awful boss, he was a pretty good dancer with a solid can. Strippers at a birthday dinner party provide the guest of honor with a chance for revenge. Your last story of an RSVP gone south comes from Alonzo Bowden. When the students of the daily 10 a.m. Warrior Woman workout class at the Woodland Oaks Athletic Club in California first met Richard Costas, aka Rocky, they were a.m. warrior woman workout class at the Woodland Oaks Athletic Club in California first met Richard Costas aka Rocky they were a little suspicious he was the only man who'd ever taken the class but he quickly won them over with his charm and humor and they began to look forward to seeing him every Monday

and Wednesday nobody was more fun to kick in the face said one student so of course they were all happy to accept his invitation to a dinner party at his place the food was great the wine was excellent and the furnishings were weirdly familiar wasn't that the vase from Cheryl's house and isn't that Mindy's missing TV and the silverware isn't that a wedding present from Jennifer's parents as it happened rocky only came to class on Mondays and Wednesdays because he spent Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday robbing the other students' homes. It was easy, Rocky told the Rancho Cucamonga Times

from jail. I knew they weren't at home, and I knew their alarm codes because everybody told me the date of their wedding. But why, having robbed them, did he invite them over for dinner leading to his arrest? I know it was a mistake, he said, but they're all such great gals, so fun and welcoming, I almost forgot I had robbed them. And if you spend time in a friend's home, you just feel obligated to return the favor.

So these are your stories of a dinner party with a surprise ending. From Tom Papa, a woman in Colorado who invited deer in to her home and fed them and photographed it and put it on social media, which resulted in her breaking multiple laws about wildlife. From Helen, a CPA who got vengeance

on a terrible boss when that boss showed up at her party in stripper garb, or from Alonzo Bowden, a dinner party that got the host arrested because his guests realized that he had stolen all his furnishings from them. Which of these is a real story from this week's news? Well, I think I'm going to have to go with Tom and the deer crashing. That's a lady talking to our level.'m going to have to go with Tom and the deer crashing at the Lady's House in Colorado. There are people here who agree with you. Well, you've chosen Tom's story then.

To bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone very close to the story. She enticed deer into her house with food items and then positioned a citation for four counts of feeding. That was Mark Lamb with Colorado Parks and Wildlife talking about what happens if you have a deer over for dinner. Congratulations, you got it right, Carl. Well done. You're the point for Tom.

You've won our prize, the voice of your choice in your voicemail. Thank you so much for playing with us today. Appreciate it. Thank you. And now the game where we invite on old friends and ask them questions about things they don't know anything about. That's our love language. We call it Not My Job. So eight years ago or so, the movie director Barry Sonnenfeld

came on this show and told us an amazing story about how when he was a teenager, he went to see Jimi Hendrix play at Madison Square Garden, and in the middle of the show, the loudspeaker blared, Barry Sonnenfeld, call your mother. You see, his mom was worried about him. We're going to take credit for Barry's new memoir,

which is called Barry Sonnenfeld, Call Your Mother. Barry Sonnenfeld, welcome back to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Oh, hi, Peter. The book is amazing. It turns out that you have lived a somewhat unusual life for a big-time movie director. But usually we think of movie directors as being, like, real alpha people. They're powerful, they've got vision.

That's not you, I don't think. No. As I mentioned eight years ago, I learned from my mother a concept of strength through weakness that the more sort of needy you seem to be of other people's help, they will come to the rescue. So I surround myself with really smart people and really talented people, and then I'll, like, point, and I'll stutter,

and then they'll say, oh, do you want me to talk faster? And I'll go, yeah, that would be great, thanks. Your book tells more stories about your parents, both your parents, who were, I believe the technical term is, a piece of work. You know, what's funny is neither of my Jewish parents wanted me to go into the doctoring or lawyering or finance businesses.

My mother wanted me to be an artist. And my father said, do whatever you want to do, and somehow you'll make a living doing that, which is unusual considering he was bankrupt seven times in my life. Really? So, yeah, he believed in doing what you like to do. He just didn't figure out a way to make money doing it. Right.

Well, he also wasn't that good in telling you about the facts of life. Am I right? Well, here's the problem. Is that how he started his explanation of the facts of life? Here's the problem. Here's the problem. See, Dad and I were going to go to a Yankee game. And Dad was my hero when I was about 13 or 14 and we were in a hurry so I put on dad's jacket and found a bunch of condoms in there which was surprising since I can't imagine my parents ever having sex so anyway dad decided to take that moment where I discovered he was obviously having an affair to teach me about the facts of life and he he got it totally wrong. He explained to me, for instance, that the only time a woman can become pregnant is during their period.

So at least I realized why I was the only child. Yes. But I had to explain to my father that it's exactly the opposite, and he said said good to know you've worked with all sorts of people throughout your career you started with the coen brothers uh you shot their first film blood simple what was it like working with first-time filmmakers we we thought we knew what we were doing but neither Joel, Ethan, or I had ever been on a movie set. I was never a cameraman on any feature film or anything close to a feature film.

And Joel, you know, and Ethan wrote the script, but Joel had never directed. And Ethan was a statistical typist at Macy's. A statistical typist? The reason, by the way, he was a statistical typist at Macy's. A statistical typist? The reason, by the way, he was a statistical typist is because since all he was doing was typing in invoice numbers, most people go insane, so they have to pay an extra 50 cents an hour to be a statistical typist,

and that's where Ethan made the money that allowed us to make Blood Simple. So really, Blood Simple was paid for Ethan Coen getting hazard pay for typing in data. That's right. That's right. I read you had no interest in directing, yet you agreed to direct The Addams Family. What made you change your mind? You know, I really enjoyed being a cameraman. You know, I write about being a cameraman on Penny Marshall's movie and all these other movies.

And this producer, Scott Rudin, sent me the script for Adam's Family. And he said, you should become a director. And I said, okay, I'll direct. This is the way I go through life. Okay. I learned it from Penny Marshall, as it turns out. In fact, I shot big for Penny. And after the first week, she came up to me the second Monday and said,

I tried to fire you, but they wouldn't let me. And I said, who wouldn't let you fire me, Penny? You should have any cameraman you want. She said, no, they wouldn't let me. I called Danny, because she was friends with Danny DeVito, and I had shot Throw Mama from the Train. She said. I called Danny because she was friends with Danny DeVito and I had shot Throw Mama from the train. She said, I called Danny. He says you're good but I don't think so.

Well, Barry Sonnenfeld, it is always great to talk to you. We've invited you here to play a game we're calling Barry Sonnenfeld, Call Your Father. So, you wrote a book called Barry Sonnenfeld, Call Your Mother. Okay. So, you wrote a book called Barry Sonnenfeld, Call Your Mother. We decided to ask you about calling your father.

That is confessing to a Catholic priest. Oh, boy. This is going to be fun. You'd be good at this. Answer two out of three questions correctly. You might win a prize for one of our listeners. No, you will win a prize for one of our listeners. Any voice they might like on their answering machine.

Bill, who is Barry Sonnenfeld playing for? Barbara Preston of Phoenix, Arizona. All right. Ready to do this? Yep. All right, here's your first question. Confession can take forever if you've got one priest and a long line of sinners. So one priest in Indiana had an idea to speed up the process. What was it?

A, a multiple choice form so sinners could just check off their specific sins and hand it in. B, a golf cart that allows the priest to bring the confessional to you. Or C, mass confession where the priest names a sin and everybody who did it just raises their hands. Well, it's either one or three. I'm going to go one. It was actually B, the golf cart. Father Patrick at St. Thomas Aquinas Church in Indiana likes to cruise around Catholic college campuses in his golf cart and offer the sacrament to anyone who looks guilty.

You have two more chances, and I'm pretty sure you're going to get this. Sometimes a congregation's sins are too serious for just a couple of Hail Marys to fix, which explains why two priests in Russia did what once? A, started telling congregants to do one billion Hail Marys. B. Required every congregant to perform an original song describing their sin. Or C. Went up in an airplane and dumped a bunch of holy water on their hometown.

You know, I'm going to get this wrong too, which makes the third one totally useless, but I'm going to go with three. This time you're right, Barry. That's what they did. Upset with the level of, quote, drunkenness and fornication, the two Russian Orthodox priests went up in a plane and threw holy water on the Russian city of Tver. There you go.

Last question. Confession is a right going back a thousand years or more, but this is the 21st century, so of course it's been modernized. If you're a millennial Catholic suffering with guilt, you can do which of these? A, get out of that stuffy church and go to a confession brunch held in a Portland diner

where a priest hangs out in a corner booth. B, join the church of a San Antonio priest who is now hearing confessions via Snapchat, or C, join Uber Repentance, where your Uber driver will go to church and confess for you. Oh, man, those are all really good. You won't give me a hint the way you will your panelists,

will you? I don't know. You can ask. Okay, would you give me a hint, Peter? I'm going to go B. You're going to go B again? You're right, Barry. That's exactly right. Of course, the priest is using Snapchat

because the image has vanished, right? It's perfect for people who want to confess their terrible sins with adorable puppy ears. Bill, how did Barry Sonnenfeld do in our quiz? Two out of three. Barry, you won. Congratulations again, Barry. You're two for two on our show.

Barry Sonnenfeld is a writer, director, and producer. His new autobiography, Barry Sonnenfeld, Call Your Mother, is out March 10th, but you can pre-order it now.

Barry Sonnenfeld, always so great to talk to you. Please let it not be so long before next time. Take care. Bye-bye, Barry. Bye-bye. In just a minute, Bill is impaled by a pepperoni in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WIT-WIT to join us in the air.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Support for this podcast and the following message comes from Best Fiends. News breaks and big stories change every day. That's why we're giving you NPR's 10-minute morning news podcast on Saturdays, too. I'm Scott Simon. And I'm Lulu Garcia-Navarro. Up first, start your day with us weekdays at 6 Eastern and Saturdays at 8, a bit later to suit your weekend from NPR News.

From NPR, WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Tom Papa, Helen Hong, and Alonzo Bowden. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. In just a minute, Bill gets best in show at this year's Rhyme Minster Rhyme Show. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Alonzo, this week we read about a small company in Iran that produces American flags that are mostly used for what special purpose? Burning. Yes, exactly. This company produces 6,000 American, British, and Israeli flags a year, and almost all of them get burned in protests.

They're like the Pringles of Iran. Bet you can't burn just one. The guy who owns this flag factory told the AP, what eventually happens to my products is on the end user, not him, right? For example,

he doesn't make Israeli flags that say burn me on them. He makes Israeli flags that say use near open flame. What a niche market this guy has found.

But, you know, if you think about it, if you're somebody who's interested in burning American flags, you're always going to need another it, if you're somebody who's interested in burning American flags, you're always going to need another American flag, right? That's true. You know? And they don't sell

them at the Walmart in Tehran. No, probably not. So, like, you're a really hardcore American capitalist, you actually have to kind of admire this guy. Yeah. Get in on the business. He saw a need and filled it. Exactly.

He said that at this factory, orders for American flags have tripled in the past, oh, let's say, three years and three weeks. Can't imagine why. The factory owner has high hopes for his latest product, a prank American flag, where every time you stomp out the flames, it lights up again. Tom, thanks, a prank American flag, where every time you stomp out the flames, it lights up again.

Tom, thanks to a groundbreaking new study, we now know who gets moody when they go through puberty. My daughters. That's true. They did a study of your daughters, and they found that out. I should say they get really moody. Oh,

kangaroos. Cows. Yes, cows. It turns out cow teenagers get moody when they become adolescents. What? According to researchers, while adult cows tend to be even-tempered and reliable, teenage cows are, quote, unpredictable and erratic, unquote. And while it may be hard, you know, to determine which is a teenage cow just by looking at them,

here's a hint. The teenage cow is the one who's vaping. These researchers found noticeable personality shifts during the transition from calf to heifer. Some young cows become more bold, while others just want to be left alone with my music. Okay, mom? I'll squirt the milk where I want to squirt it. God. How do you study the personality of a cow?

They stand there. They do. I've been through the middle of the country. You see thousands of cows just standing there. That's what they do. That is true. At what point is it like, ooh, there's a cow with personality.

You think that they're just staring blankly, Alonzo, but they're just staring over the fence like, God, everyone thinks I'm stupid. Some of them get nipple rings, but they have to get like five of them. Yeah. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme.

If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And if you want more Wait, Wait in your week, check out the Wait, Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home or wherever quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions, all in the comfort of your home or wherever you put your smart speaker. It's just like this radio show, but to be honest, it breaks down a lot more.

Sorry, Peter. That's on me. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, my name is Noah Azal, and I live in North Park, Chicago. Hey, Chicago. How are you? Are you staying warm? I'm currently in Saugatuck, Michigan for work. Oh, okay. So you decided to just work from Saugatuck? My company's home office is here where my genius bosses live, and she's actually pretty excited that I'm going to be on the show today.

Oh, that's great. Well, I hope it gets you, you know, a raise or something. Welcome to the show, Nuri. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play? I am.

All right. Here is your first limerick. Be careful what foods you eat, sir. Because sometimes the cheese overheats, sir. Be nice with your slice or you'll pay a big price. Just keep cool when you handle hot pizza. Pizza! America is a nation in crisis,

not because our Justice Department has been corrupted or our faith in the rule of law is crumbling. No, it's because our pizza is trying to kill us for the second year in a row we have seen a huge increase in the amount of pizza related injuries thousands of americans suffered from pizza cutter finger slices falls while carrying boxes and traumas when the moon hits the victims in the eye like a big pizza pie in an article on a site called called ABC 14 News that could not think of another synonym for pizza, so actually uses the term tasty Italian food stuff. Some of the specific cases were shocking. In 2018, someone poked a hole in the roof of his mouth with a fork while eating

pizza, which, dear God, who eats pizza with a fork? Mitt Romney. Yes. Probably. Wouldn't that be someone who got what they deserved? Really? Eating pizza with a fork? Yes. They deserve to have a punctured palate. Yeah, that'll learn them.

Yeah, absolutely. Here is your next limerick. The social needs make me feel edgy. I've slacked on my New Year's food, pledgy. I eat only junk, unlike this sweet hunk. I'm jealous, because he's eating

something you eat, and it rhymes with edgy and pledgy, the opposite of junk food. Well, it's not salad. Salad is made of these things. Fruits and? Veggies.

Veggies! Yes, sir! In addition to making you jealous about your friends' relationships and vacations and new eyebrow-threading techniques, social media can also make you worried you're missing out on all the delicious vegetables your friends are eating. You see that selfie of your best friend and her zucchini and think, they had dinner last night.

They didn't invite me. According to a study, social media entices people to eat the same things that your friends are posting on Instagram. So if you have friends who eat a ton of salads, you'll probably eat more salads. Or if your friends eat Tide Pods, you won't actually change because pretty soon they won't be posting anything anymore.

Are you guys on Instagram? Because I'm not. Yes. Do you find yourself influenced by the influencers of Instagram? Absolutely, 100%. In what way? Like if anybody is eating any kind of junk food, I need that junk food immediately. Really? I was on Instagram and I blacked out.

And when I woke up, I was just surrounded with Pringles. Just covered with them. Covered. In my mouth, on my chest, all over. How did they get there? Instagram. All right, here's your last limerick. 112 and still glad.

No need to feel gloomy or sad. The trick to old age is to steer clear of rage. Stay peaceful and never get... Mad? Yes! That it is! The reigning oldest person in the world, according to Guinness

It's a retired Japanese farmer He says the reason he has lived To the age of 112 Is that he has never been angry Except for that one time his roommate ate the last yogurt This is very difficult advice to follow for most people Not get angry And impossible for anyone who has ever been on hold with Comcast

The man claims smiling all the time Helps you live longer not get angry, and impossible for anyone who has ever been on hold with Comcast. The man claims smiling all the time helps you live longer, so that's right, ladies. Those old creeps telling you to smile more are just trying to help you live longer. That guy's never been on a cruise. Old people who are always telling us they got some kind of secret for why they live so long really piss me off. Oh, Tom.

I've always thought the best part of getting old, I mean, what I'm looking forward to is just be angry with no filter. Really? Yeah, you hit a certain age and they're just, when they're like, oh, well, he's just old, and you just hit him with whatever you're feeling at the moment. Yeah. Eventually, we all- I, oh, well, he's just old. And you just hit them with whatever you're feeling at the moment.

I'll give up 20 years for that. Bill, how did Nuri do on our quiz? He got three right. Congratulations. Thank you. Thanks so much for playing. Thanks for having me, Peter. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Support for this podcast and the following message come from Kay Buxbaum. In support of the David Gilkey and Zabiula Tamana Memorial. Give us the scores. Alonzo has two. Helen and Tom each have three. All right. Alonzo, you are in second place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question.

Fill in the blank. In a bipartisan vote on Thursday, the Senate approved a resolution limiting President Trump's war powers against blank. Iran. Right. On Monday, the White House released their proposed blank, which includes cuts to Medicare and Social Security. Budget. Following last week's disastrous caucus, the head of blank's Democratic Party resigned this week.

Iowa. Right. On Wednesday, a special prosecutor indicted Empire actor blank on charges of faking an attack here in Chicago. Jussie Smollett. Right. Emergency workers in Minnesota had to rescue a man who got trapped in the ice after he tried to walk across the Mississippi River because blank.

He was hungry? No, he walked across the frozen Mississippi because he says Google Maps told him to. On Tuesday, a standard poodle named Seba won the 144th annual blank. Westminster Kennel Club show? Yes, exactly right. This week, police in Tennessee arrested a man after he dropped his journal, which was filled with blank. Plots?

I'm going to give it to you because the answer is the addresses of all the houses he was going to rob. Thank you. You're welcome. That's a plot. That's a plot. The notebook was found at the scene of a break-in and included a pretty standard to-do list. Pick up the dry cleaning, go to the grocery store,

commit multiple felonies. The officers were able to arrest the man by going to one of the addresses he had written down, and he's now awaiting trial for theft, but says he's learned his lesson. Next time, he'll pay the few extra bucks for the diary with that heart-shaped lock. Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz?

Alonzo did well. Six right, 12 more points, 14. Alonzo, you're in the lead. Congratulations. All right, we have flipped a coin, and Helen has elected to go next. So here you go, Helen, fill in the blank. On Thursday, Attorney General Barr said

that Trump's constant blanking makes his job harder. Tweeting. Right. According to a new fiscal report, the federal blank will rise by 25% over the first four months of 2020. Deficit? Yes. On Sunday, former chief of staff John Kelly said that blank was right to report Trump's call with Ukraine. The ambassador? No, the other guy, Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman. This week, the National Headwinds Championship, where bikers have to pedal against high winds, was canceled due to blank.

High winds. Exactly right. According to new research, this winter has been the blankest in U.S. history. Hottest. Yes. A North Carolina man was shocked this week when he discovered the box of puppies he found on his doorstep were blank. Raccoons. So close.

The box of puppies were actually a box of bear cubs. Oh. The man returned home from a walk to find a box of adorable puppies in his front lawn. Knowing he couldn't keep them, he called police, who immediately realized that they weren't dogs at all, but baby bears. Local wildlife rangers were able to get the bears to a sanctuary, and the man continues to live happily

with his cat, which is a horse. Bill, how did Helen do in our quiz? Four right, eight more points, total of 11, and that means Alonzo still leads. All right, how many then does Tom need to take it away from him? Six. All right, Tom, this is for the game. Fill in the blank.

On Monday, the Justice Department charged four members of Blank's military with the 2017 Equifax hack. Saudi Arabia. No, China. On Thursday, Jim Crane, the owner of the 2017 World Series winning Blanks, apologized for that team's cheating scandal. Yeah, the Astros, the biggest cheaters in the world.

The Astros, yes, yes. On Thursday, a lab in San Diego said it had discovered a vaccine for Blank. Coronavirus. Yes, on Tuesday, a federal judge cleared the way for a $26 billion merger of T-Mobile and blank. And Sprint. Yes. In a sign that could be interpreted any number of ways, Elizabeth Warren's campaign office in Asheville, North Carolina, got a surprise when a blank

wandered in. A box of bears. No, a chicken wandered in and laid an egg. On Monday, Apple was hit with a $25 million fine for intentionally slowing down old blanks. iPhone. Right. On Sunday, Parasite became the first non-English language film to win Best Picture at the blanks. Academy Awards. Right.

This week, a passenger who wanted more personal space on the subway in New York blanked around his seat. Urinated. No, urinated. No. Good strategy. He sprayed his perimeter with ketchup. Oh. You know, Coach, you finally get a seat on the subway.

You don't want the experience to be ruined by a sea of crotches and bellies in your face, so you take out a bottle of ketchup, create a little red moat around your seat. And if you want the whole car to split, you yell, I'm bleeding! You know how crazy you have to be for New York subway riders to be like, that's crazy. Yes, sir. Bill, did Tom do well enough to win?

Let me put it this way. Ladies and gentlemen, it's an honor for me to declare the winner as Alonzo. In just a minute, we'll ask our panelists, after Harley-Davidson, what's the next company that will convert itself into a lifestyle brand? Wait, wait, don't tell me. This is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago, in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord.

Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King.

Our contributing writers all this month have been Fumi Abe and Mike Nguyen. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. The nominee for Best Peter Gwynn is Peter Gwynn. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Big Daddy Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

is Michael Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next big lifestyle brand? Alonzo Bowden. Amazon, who's going with... Go ahead, stay on the couch. Helen Hong. United Airlines. We will drag you out

of bed by your hair. And Tom Papa. Greyhound bus retirement homes because every ride takes a lifetime. Well, if we see any of those lifestyle brands, we'll ask you about it. Wait, if we see any of those lifestyle brands, we'll ask you about it. And wait, wait, don't tell me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to

Helen Ogg, Tom Papa, Alonzo Vooden. Thanks to all of you for listening. You're the best. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.