Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Best of WWDTM April 2021

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

This week WWDTM is on spring break, so we feature some past interviews with Jon Batiste, Ali Wong, and Chelsea Peretti, as well as some games with our listeners.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm the man who will subsidize your crops this year. I'm the Farm Bill, Bill Curtis. And here's your host, a native of the Garden State, who still thinks that means gardens are where you grow asphalt. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. It is spring at long last, and it's so exciting after being stuck inside all winter staring at the snow to be stuck inside staring at the mud. It's the cycle of life. So we thought we'd plant some fertile material from recent shows and see what grows.

For example, musician John Batiste, the band leader for Late Night with Stephen Colbert, was recently nominated for an Oscar. We're not saying it's because he appeared on this show in 2018, but we're not saying it's not. Guest host Faith Saley asked him to confirm a wild rumor that he made his New York debut playing in the subway. Oh, my goodness. You, you heard the news. Yeah. Tell us about that. Well, we went to Juilliard, and we were there studying and, you know, really, really trying to come up with a sound as a band.

And one day we were eating in a diner, and we were talking about how everybody who plays at Juilliard, you know, you go into an orchestra or you play in these really, really highfalutin' places. And we were like, how do we play for people who may not have the money or the access or may not ever think to go and see a concert at Carnegie Hall or something like that? So we literally just took our instruments and went down to the subway from that diner. And that summer, we must have played in the subway every day almost of that entire month. And we played for people for free. We didn't ask for any money.

We were like buskers that come into your subway car, except we played like a 30-minute concert. We wouldn't ask you for money. So then after that, people were like wow these guys are pretty good and they started coming to our shows and from there you know we we started going on tour around the world from playing on the subways in new york city well you said you did this in the summertime in new york city it's super hot on the subways oh my goodness imagine carrying a tuba. Yeah. I'm sure the subway riders appreciated your music, but how did the cops

feel about it? Well, oh my goodness. We had a police officer come to us in the middle of what we call a love riot. And this is, you know, it's called a love riot because from the outside, it can resemble a riot. Like, it was 200 people literally blocking the street, and policemen had to come on horseback to unblock the street from this impromptu concert that we'd started somewhere in the East Village.

And one of the police officers came to us and was like, you know, y'all can just keep going. This is amazing. You call what you do social music, right? That's right. You're trying to connect with audiences kind of anywhere. Absolutely. Music without borders. You've got to get where people can feel

a part of the experience and they're not just spectators. But before you can do that, don't you always have to have an instrument on you? I play piano primarily and I started on drums, and those instruments aren't really that portable, so I started playing the harmonaboard. The harmonaboard? Yes, it's a melodica or melody horn. It has different names, but it's like a harmonica and a keyboard put together. Do you always have a melodica on you?

I took that thing around, oh my goodness. When I went to Juilliard, I would carry it around everywhere, and the teachers hated it. They hated it. Why? Because it looks like a children's party favor? Yes, exactly. Well, do you have one on you now, John? You know, I'm in my dressing room, and guess what?

I do. Yeah. John. Would you mind just letting everybody hear how a little old melodica sounds? Oh, yeah, I'll give it a little toot for you. Thank you. Let me put the phone down. That's amazing.

Thank you for that treat, John Batiste. You grew up in Kennan, Louisiana, into a family of musicians. Yes, yes, yes. Was there ever a moment in your life where you thought you might not be a musician? Basically my whole life until I was one. until I was one. Literally, it's almost as if when I went into music mode, it was this alternate universe.

And I would step in and out of it. And the thing that was interesting about growing up in Kenner is it's right outside of New Orleans. It's a really small town. And it's a suburb. And I would do regular kid stuff there. I played basketball basketball i had tennis

lessons i love playing chess you know just like regular stuff and then i would go and play with like a literal jazz legend at night in new orleans and then i would have to go to school in the morning so it was like a wild juxtaposition but then when I was 17 and I moved to New York and I started my own band in New York and I was playing gigs and I was looking around I was like I'm really like I'm a professional musician um John I just have a quick question about scatting um can you scat I'd love to hear that well no thank you, thank you. My, I have little kids and they're in a jazz class, a jazz at Lincoln center class in which the teacher and the jazz band encouraged them to scat. And I just feel like this is reckless encouragement for little white kids

because I just don't think it's in their genetic wheelhouse. How do you feel about this? I love it. Is there a pithy way to define scat? Scatting is really, it's just making the sound or imitating the sound of an instrument with your voice. So like if you're trying to do something that a saxophone would play with your voice, it might sound like... Oh, that's amazing!

All right, well, I will then encourage my children, if you say it's okay. I think they should definitely do it. Just not in the house. John Batiste, we are so excited to talk to you, and now it's time to play a game we're calling... Stay human, now sit human. In honor of your band, Stay Human, we're going to ask you about something very unhuman,

our new robot overlords. Answer two out of three questions about our robot masters right, and you win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, whom is John Batiste playing for? Tyler Redding of Los Angeles, California. All right, John, here's your first question. When our robots rise up and murder us, they'll have good reason. Which of these is a job formerly done by a human that we now make a robot do? A, the Fido-bot, a tiny robot that

follows around dogs with little baggies so you don't have to. B, the Mo-bot, a robot that painstakingly edits out all of Mo Rocca's thousands of wrong guesses on this show, or C, the RoBut, a robotic rectum used to help doctors train to give exams. Maybe it is, um, I'd have to go with...

Wait, wait, go, go, say again, let me hear you. They're saying C. These people are rectum hungry. Well, let's go with C. There you go. It is the robot. You are correct, John Batiste.

It's called an RTA, a rectal teaching assistant. I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you this exists. Until 2016, they used a human volunteer, but he lost his job. Like, how do you fire that guy? Wow. Thank you for your service. Where do you go from there?

Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's a brown slip if I ever heard. Here is your next question. To make sure robots never hurt us humans, one roboticist has created what? A, a robot made entirely of memory foam so it's always ready for a cuddle. B, a robot that repeatedly punches a human in the arm to help robots learn exactly what does hurt a human so they can avoid it.

Or C, a lifelike human replica that robots can murder when they're having urges. Oh my goodness. So definitely A, the memory foam Cuddle-or robot. I want that. I need that. You deserve that, John Batiste. But I'm sorry, no, the answer is B, the puncher. How can you be expected not to cross the line if you don't know where the line is?

So we're training robots to punch us. Oh, that's going to end well. All right, John. Don't do that, robot, or you might end up taking over the world. All right, John, here's your last question. You can still win this. Someday, robots will dominate us in every physical task, but for now, they're helping us.

Which of these is a real robot helping athletes? A, the Tomaten, a tiny robot that sits on your shoulders and helps fight fatigue by feeding you tomatoes as you run. Or tomatoes. B, the Tybot, it ties and unties your shoelaces for you. Or C, the Gator Aid, a robot that runs in front of you to scare any alligators that might be in your path. Well, it ain't C, so the tomato.

The tomaton. Yes, John. This is a real thing. It is a hilarious video, and this is true. There's a smaller version called the Petit Tomaton, which we guess feeds you cherry tomatoes. Bill, how did John Batiste do on our quiz? Well, John, you scattered your way to a win.

Two out of three. Yay! John Batiste is the band leader for the Emmy-nominated Late Show with Stephen Colbert. His new album, Hollywood Africans, is out September 28th, and the first single, Don't Stop, came out Friday. John Batiste, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Absolutely. Bye now. When we come back, here comes the bride. But from where exactly? And the great Ali Wong on the sudden change in demand for her services. That's when we come back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. On NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast, we talk about TV, movies, and more, like the new Marvel Disney Plus series, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier,

and a definitive ranking of the best Muppets. All of that in around 20 minutes every weekday. Listen now to the Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast from NPR. Happy Hour podcast from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host who each spring hopes irrationally for his hair to grow back. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. While we are out convincing ourselves that this is the year we'll get that flower bed planted, we thought we'd share with you some good material we have harvested in years past.

Now, one of the new developments over the last few years is the viral news story, something that starts small but spreads all over due to how much people love it on social media. When I was a lad, going viral meant you had the pox and had to be bled by your local barber. Now, back in May of 2018, a particular wedding announcement went viral, so we thought we'd make up two others just to have a complete set. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Oh my gosh, hi. Oh wow, hi. Sorry.

It's okay, I'm a little nervous to talk to you as well. Hi, my name is Sarah Brinker, and I am from Effingham, Illinois. Effingham, Illinois. Good for you. I've heard of Effingham, I've never been there. I have always assumed, being from this part of Illinois, that it got named when somebody said, that place, that Effingham.

Where is it? If you're coming down, you're going to see a big old cross along the way. You found it. I'm going to be the big old cross

in Effingham, known, of course, as the big effing cross. Sarah, it's nice to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell

truth from fiction. Bill, what is Sarah's topic? Here comes the brag. Newspaper wedding announcements for when you're in love and you need random strangers to know where you went to college. Well, we read

a really interesting wedding announcement from a newspaper that went viral this week and we thought we would share it with you. Each of our panelists are going to share you a wedding announcement. Only one of them is real. Pick that real one, and you will win our prize. Ready to play? Oh, snap. Let's go. Okay, here we go. First,

let's hear from Alonzo Bowden. From the Oklahoma Daily, parents Liz and Wilson Wainwright are proud to announce the wedding of their daughter, Alyssa Wainwright, unfairly snubbed gymnast from the 2008 Olympic trials, winner of gold medal in balance beam and uneven parallel bar at Oklahoma State Championship in 2007,

member of NCAA silver medal winning gymnastics team at Oklahoma State, where she was on full athletic scholarship after graduating from the distinguished Tate High School with a 3.9 GPA while simultaneously graduating from Libertyville Gymnastics Academy as a gold medal winner in three of four disciplines. Her groom, Luis Camacho, is a 6-foot, 189-pound cornerback with a 4.240 time and 38-inch vertical leap who is now playing for the Arena Football League's Washington Valor after a career with the CFL Saskatchewan Rough Riders and a brief stint with the NFL's Detroit

Lions, who cut him as if they could do better. I mean, the Lions? Really? Luis was drafted by the Lions after three years at Oklahoma State, where he probably should have stayed one more year and moved up to the first round, which would have been more guaranteed money. Meanwhile, the Lions went 4-12 right after cutting him, so it looks like they'll be missing the playoffs and the wedding. We wish the couple love, happiness, and an injury-free future in coaching once their playing careers have ended.

Two athletes, a little bit frustrated, but very good, get married in Oklahoma. Your next story of true love condensed into one paragraph comes from Helen Hong. From the Palm Beach Post, the bride, a graduate of the Fay School and Miss Porter School, graduated from Georgetown University. She is a member of the Daughters of the Colonial Wars,

the Society of the Friends of St. George's, and descendants of the Knights of the Garter, and the Metropolitan Club in Washington, D.C. She has descended from the French Count Guarine de Metz and the English Baron Foulquet Fitzwarren, who was at Magna Carta. They were the subjects of the famous 13th century manuscript, The Romance of Fulke Fitzwarren.

She was presented to society at the Infirmary Ball, an international debutante ball in New York City, Bachelor's Cotillion in Baltimore, Queen Charlotte's Ball in London, and was chosen to represent the United States at the Opera Ball in Vienna, Queen Charlotte's Ball in London, and was chosen to represent the United States at the Opera Ball in Vienna, Austria. She is director of the Spam Museum

in Minnesota. An American aristocrat with deep roots in the gentry runs the Spam Museum in Minnesota. Your last story of someone announcing their impending matrimony comes from Janelle James. From the New York Times, Rafferty M. Grant, a direct descendant of Robert E. Lee and Lulu Gersh, a New York socialite and heiress to the Luluman Yoga Pan Empire, are to be wed on May 26th. The couple met while engaging in a shared passion, civil war reenactments. It was love at first sight for Mr.

Grant, he said, when he spotted Miss Gertz charging towards him with a giant foam bayonet. After a rousing battle on the field, the pair engaged in lively debate for and against the merits of slavery. After the ceremony, which will be held at the stately Drayton Plantation, the couple plans to honeymoon by reenacting the Battle of Fort Sumner one-on-one and staying at a South Carolina hotel in the romantic Ken Burns Fantasy Suite. One of those was a real wedding announcement that had appeared in newsprint that we saw this week. Was it from Alonzo, a wedding in Oklahoma

between two athletes who wanted the world to know that they were better than the world knew? From Helen Hong, a woman with extraordinary deep roots in American and European aristocracy who now works as the director of the Spam Museum in Austin, Minnesota, and from Janelle James, Civil War reenactors who met and fell in love

on the battlefield. One of those was a real wedding, and that's what we saw on the news. Which do you think it was? Oh, my lanta. Oh, my lanta. They have strange ways down in Effingham. Oh, my goodness.

You know, I think Helen sold me her story. I'm going to go with Helen Hong. You're going to go with Helen Hong's story of the remarkable, aristocratic young lady who ended up running the Spam Museum in Austin. That's your choice? Yeah. All right. Said with confidence.

All right. Well, we spoke to somebody about this very real wedding announcement. Here is this young woman with an incredibly long pedigree, you know, certainly as long as your arm, and she has a job working for the Spam Museum. Now, look, Shannon Donnelly, she is the society editor for the Palm Beach Daily News for over 30 years.

She was talking about the marriage of one Seville Lord, the aristocrat who now runs the Spam Museum in Austin, Minnesota. Congratulations, Sarah. You got it right. Yay! Thank you, Helen. You're out. Thank you.

I should say, this got a lot of attention for the reasons that you can tell. And in reaction to that, the Spam Museum of Austin, Minnesota says they are very proud of their director and they invite everyone to visit to learn everything they've ever wanted to know about spam. Congratulations, Sarah. You've earned

a point for Helen and you've won our prize, the voice of anyone from our show in your voicemail. Yeah, baby. Thanks, Helen. Thank you, Sarah. Yay, Sarah. Take care. Here's something else that exploded over social media, the career of comedian Ali Wong. It was a Netflix standoff special that everybody was talking about that made her a star almost overnight, as she told us when she joined us in December of 2019.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a true story that when I warmed up for my special in my hometown, San Francisco, I did four shows at this comedy club that was a 400 seater and I couldn't sell it out. So they had to put my tickets up on Groupon. Oh, really? And they, yes, it was so depressing. I was pregnant and my friends were like, I bought tickets to your show on Groupon. I was like, you're supposed to be my friend. You need to pay full price. It's not like a cool thing if you're on Groupon. So and then the moment I knew that my life had changed was when I put shows up for sale at the same comedy club.

And they sold out in two minutes and went on the secondary scalper market for $1,000 a piece. Wow. I mean, I love the special, but I was trying to figure out exactly why it became such a sensation. Do you have any idea what it was? It was funny.

No, no, of course it's funny. No, but really. No, no. I I mean here's the thing all right here's the thing one I actually started looking at some you know what people thought of it and one of the things seemed to be that it was amazing to see a woman talk so hilariously graphically about various women's bodily functions yeah I get I get, like, I think I'm always fascinated by how our body constantly betrays us,

mystifies us. And my dad was a doctor, so we always talked about those things very openly. It was never like, don't talk about poo at the dinner table because that was his life.

I mean, his life wasn't poo. He was an anesthesiologist. Right. But it was a lot more than poo. Yeah, if all of a sudden he's dealing with poo, he's at anesthesiologist. Right. It was a lot more than poo. If all of a sudden he's dealing with poo, he's at the wrong end, and he probably... And you've written a book called Dear

Girls. It's to your daughters, including the daughter who you were pregnant with during the special, right? How old is she now? She's four years old, and she's very aware that she was the one in the striped dress. Really? She's like, I'm the one in the striped dress

and Nikki's in the cheetah dress. You did the next special when you were pregnant with your second daughter. Yes, and everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to be pregnant for every single stand-up special. I'm like, that is not a sustainable career strategy.

What am I going to get pregnant like nine times and then you know i write in my book too about how there's a lot of guys you know who have some weird resentment and they'll say to me like oh ali you are so lucky you get all this attention because you're both a female and a minority and And I'm like, yeah, because, you know, historically, that's always been the winning combo. Yeah. I'm tired of it. And I'm like, oh, but, you know, you know me.

You're so lucky. Because me, I'm just another white guy. I'm like, why don't you be a better white guy? Like a more funny white guy. So you've written this book. It's called Dear Girls. It's gotten a lot of acclaim, deservedly so. And you say in the introduction

that this is a letter to your daughters who are, as we just heard, very young. And you say, I don't want you to read this till you're 21. And then you show what you mean by that by writing very frankly about very adult issues, including your own, shall we say, romantic history. Yes.

You know they're not going to wait until they're 21 to read it. You know this, right? I know. Oh, God. I don't want to think about that. All I want to think about is potty training them and teaching them not to bite people and stuff like that. You know, the thing that I'm most embarrassed about that I wrote is that I wrote this chapter about how crazy I was in my teenage years.

Yeah. And I listed all the terrible things I did. And one of the things I did was shoplifting. Yeah. And I think that's the thing I'm, like, most embarrassed about. You know, not all the men I slept with. I think I'm like, okay, whatever. That's fine.

Yeah. But it's the shoplifting. Really? It's truly, like, embarrassing and unethical, so. That's the thing. So how will you handle it if your daughter's shoplift and they open up the book and they're like, hey, Mom, you did it. I know. Oh, my God.

And Mom knows. That's not what I'm saying. That's my worst nightmare. Right now, I'm just focused on keeping them alive, guys. Okay? All right. Hey, we heard that your dress from Baby Cobra is in the Smithsonian.

I still have to send it to them. They asked for it. And I was like, well, you can have it. And I was like, but, you know, you better send me a prepaid shipping label because I need to send it to the kitchen call from this you got a call from the smithsonian institution saying we want the dress you wore in your stand-up special because it was so amazing and seminal and important and you're like who's paying the shipping yeah I'm like I know you have a FedEx account

well Ali Wong, we are delighted to talk to you. We've invited you here to play a game we're calling Dear Girls Meet Dear Girls.

You wrote a book intended for your daughters as we discussed called Dear Girls, so we thought we'd ask you three questions about dear girls,

that is, does. I didn't warn you, Ali. Answer two questions right. You won a prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Ali Wong playing for? Michelle Ryan of Alexandria, Virginia. All right.

You ready for this? Okay, yes. All right. Here's your first question. Perhaps the most famous female deer, of course, was Bambi's mother. What happened to the young man who, way back when, provided the voice of Bambi? Was it A, he became a decorated combat marine who, way back when, provided the voice of Bambi? Was it A, he became a decorated combat marine who spent his career terrified his secret past

would be discovered? B, he grew up to be famed character actor Charles Bronson? Or C, he was ironically and tragically gored to death by a deer? Oh, man. Well, it's definitely not C, because we would all know about that. That's true. I'm going to go with A.

You're going to go with A, that he became a decorated combat Marine? Yeah, that he was like a closeted Bambi voice. That's exactly right. Oh, wow. Donnie Dunnigan was his name. He spent his career in the Marines as a drill sergeant and as a combat vet in Vietnam, and he was constantly terrified his fellow Marines

would find out about his childhood acting and start calling him Major Bambi. Here's your next question. As Bambi, the movie proved, life isn't always kind to dear girls, and that was doubly true of the one that ran into Canadian explorer

Francis Wharton way back when. Why? What happened? A. Wharton, who was toothless, killed the deer, made dentures out of its teeth,

and then ate the deer with its own teeth. Damn. B. He desperately wanted a dog, so he forced it to learn to sit up and fetch. Or C. he married it. Oh, man.

Desperately wanted a dog? You can't get a dog, fool. You've got to train a deer. That sounds absurd. All right. I might actually go with B. You're going to go with B, he desperately wanted a dog, so he forced it to learn to fetch? Yeah.

No, I'm afraid it was actually A. He was a tough old guy. Very terrible thing to eat an animal with its own teeth. But he did it. That would have taught the Marine what badass is. I know. That was literally the meanest thing ever

done in Canada. All right. If you get this last question right, Allie, you can win it all. Here we go. In October, just of this last year, in October of 2019, a woman hit a deer with her car in Ohio, and police who arrived at the scene had a lot to investigate. Why?

A, the woman, eager to avoid a DUI, insisted that the deer had been driving. B, they thought the woman was terribly injured, but she was just covered in blood for her Halloween costume. She was going as Carrie at the prom. Or C, the woman hit the deer after taking a wrong turn into a corn maze and got lost. I think it's B. You're right, it's B.

Nice. They found the deer, the car, and this woman covered in blood, and they were calling the EMTs, and she was like, no, no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm just Carrie. See? Like at the prom scene. That's what happened.

Bill, how did Ali Wong do on our quiz? Ali answered two out of three correctly, which is a win for us. Congratulations. answered two out of three correctly, which is a win for us. Congratulations. Ali Wong's new book, Dear Girls, is out now. Her specials are available on Netflix,

and you can find out where she's touring at aliwong.com. Ali Wong, thank you so much for joining us. Take care. Bye. Bye. When we come back, our panelists succeed, our phones fail, and comic and actor Chelsea Peretti talks about being the funniest person in her elementary school. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. I'm Jesse Thorne. On this week's Bullseye, Christopher Lloyd, the Back to the Future star,

tells me why he's so enjoyed haunting my nightmares for 30 years. It's fun, but I love it. It's just to be that nasty, put that little squeaky little shoe in the dip. That's Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. dip. That's Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis, and here's your host, a man who just realized beach season is almost here, and it's now furiously jogging in place as I speak. Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. Now, spring is a time of renewal, so we're bringing back material from past shows,

putting them in the ground, and seeing if anything sprouts. Now, here's something you've probably never heard before. We do our show in theaters with a live audience. Well, we used to, but our contestants call in from around the country, so people can be in the show, even if they can't be at the show. But in December 2017, at the Moore Theater in Seattle, all our phone lines failed all at once. So for the first time in two decades of hosting this show, Peter had to do crowd work. All right, this is a last-minute change, but this is what we're going to do.

Normally, we have people who call in to play our games from around the country, but apparently all our phone lines failed. So we are going to do something that quite literally we have never done before. We are going to invite one of you Wow. That's cool.

No, you're not coming up, but you're going to stay in your seat and we have one of our producers who's going to work the crowd and find one of you to play our games. Now that I know we're doing that. Improvisational theater. All right. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi.

I'm sorry, where are you? I cannot. Anybody. Anybody. All right. I am told, Phoebe, that you are way up top in the worst seat in the house. Is that true?

I am in the very back of the theater. Oh, wow, that's very exciting. I can't quite see, so you're in the very top row? I am in the very top row. No way. Yes way. That's exciting. How do we look from up there?

Very small. I understand. But very funny. Be honest we look from up there? Very small. But very funny. Be honest with me, Phoebe. Do I have a bald spot? I don't see one. Thank you. Well, Phoebe, I assume are you also from Seattle? As of the last 13 years, yes.

Really? Okay, that counts. So, Phoebe, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here. You, of course, are going to play the game in which you have to listen for the rhyme. Bill Curtis right here is going to perform three news-related limericks. He's not going to finish them.

Your job, of course, is to do that from the back of the house. You ready to do that? Yes, I am. All right, here we go. Here's your first limerick. It's old information that rookies know. It makes my intestines play hooky, yo

The eggs and the flour give E. coli power I shouldn't be eating raw Cookie dough Yes, I know Phoebe, good for you Turns out Phoebe, you should not be feeding this to your kids This week, the New York Times reported that cookie dough is bad But on the other hand, according to the New York Times,

Nazis can also often be charming young men, so it's a wash. New research shows that it's not just the raw eggs and cookie dough that we need to worry about. Raw flour is also dangerous. CDC epidemiologist Samuel Crowe says that even a small amount of infected flour could get you sick. He added, quote, I've had E. coli and salmonella, and it's pretty darn unpleasant.

So we had both, E. coli and salmonella. Nothing against Dr. Crow, but maybe the CDC needs to put up those employees must wash hands signs. Do you guys eat raw cookie dough? I used to back in the day. Yeah. I feel like it's a white people thing.

I don't, yeah, I just, I didn't grow up with it. And then when I got to college and I was like, what are you guys eating cookie, ew. Never went raw, I just wait till they're done. It's a weird thing for that to be a white people thing. You guys got a lot of weird shit. Okay. I mean, seriously. All right, here's your next limerick, Phoebe.

My glutes and my quads are both rotting. So more time near the ground I'm allotting. My doctor's demanding less sitting and standing. So like toddlers, I'll spend my day... Squatting. Squatting, Phoebe, yes. Phoebe. We knew, remember this? We all found out that sitting was terrible for us.

We all got standing desks. Then we learned standing was bad for us. We all sat down again, and then they came for the Jews, and I did nothing because I was dizzy. Sorry, sorry. The point is sitting, standing one health expert at least is now recommending

that the healthiest thing you can do during the day is squat at your desk. So we all need squatting desks now. Really? Just saw six inches off the legs of your standing desk. Squatting? I mean, it's good for your quads, obviously.

Yeah, but that's it. I guess the idea is like, you know, sitting is bad and standing is bad, but if you squat, then you're actually... You think someone at Ikea just said, hey, we got some half-built desks we got to get rid of. Squatting desks. Let's see if they go for the old squatting routine.

Yeah. Here is your last limerick, Phoebe. Be dazzling makes scientists bitter. Because sparkles end up in the litter. Small kids' arts and crafts should be given the shaft. We call for a ban on all... Glitter. Glitter, yes.

Very good, Phoebe. Sorry, craft bloggers, environmental scientists are calling for a ban on glitter, saying that not only is it impossible to remove from your face and clothes, it's also impossible to remove from the ocean. Glitter pollution has gotten so bad that some researchers say that by 2025,

a full two-thirds of the ocean will look fabulous. Have these environmental scientists been to a strip club, got caught, and then said, oh, no glitter, get rid of the glitter. Yeah, they can cut it, cover it with glitter. It rid of the glitter. Yeah, they got caught and they came home covered in glitter. It's the ocean. The ocean is full of this stuff.

Yeah, I was out in the ocean and I got covered in glitter. Bill, how did Phoebe do on our quiz? Three and O. Congratulations, Phoebe. Finally, here's comic and actor Chelsea Peretti, who joined us by Zoom just last November. I asked her about her origins as a superhero.

Was there a moment, for example, I know Alonzo was, when he was working as an airplane mechanic, he was like making his colleagues laugh and he decided maybe she'd go try it for a living. Was there a moment when you decided that you were going to be a comic? I would love to hear the like inside baseball of airplane mechanics. Like I want to hear what those jokes were. Chelsea, you would not fly again. Our number one, our number one saying we're like, how did it come out? You're like, well, we're not making watches, so it'll fly. Oh, my God. That is terrifying. This is exactly what I wanted, though.

I forget what the question was. I was so titillated by airplane mechanic humor. The question was, was there a moment when you were like, oh, I could do this for a living, or at least I want to try doing this for a living? Well, you know, I sold my first joke, and it was like a deal with the devil because it was a joke about my mom. And I don't know if you remember, there was this Comedy Central show called Shorties Watching Shorties. And they animated jokes and the one joke they wanted was a joke about my mom. And so it was like, do I sell out my mom for my first check? The answer was yes.

What was the joke? I, you know, I think it was about like how when we used to watch movies together, my mom would be watching me the whole time. My mom would be watching me watch the movie and, you know, something about how it felt like a date. Anyway, but I now as a mom, I get it. You watch your kid experience things because you're like, oh, look, you're experiencing this and you're watching them. It's like you get so much pleasure from seeing your kid enjoy something. So maybe it wasn't as creepy as it felt or maybe it is. I watched your Netflix special the other night, one of the greats, and it was hilariously funny. But also, in addition to having a lot of great jokes, it had a lot of jokes about one hour comedy specials.

Yes. And I actually started to wonder, do you like one hour comedy specials on streamable TV? It's a great question. Not really. A lot of them I don't. I mean, I'd always almost always rather watch a great comedy movie than an hour of stand up. One of the things that you do was you play around with audience shots. Sometimes the audience seems to be your actual audience enjoying your comedy. And sometimes it's not, or at least it's unexpected. For example, there was one shot to what looked like an elderly Italian man eating a hard-boiled egg. Yeah. And the funny thing is, well, you know, yes,

as a comedian, I've always hated a lot of aspects of stand-up specials. They don't always really capture the experience of what an amazing night in stand-up is. But a lot of them, the production is trash. There's a few producers who make stand-up specials and they have cornered the market they make like they turn them out they produce them all exactly the same they always have reaction shots that like people look confused or disappointed when someone's told a joke you're like why would you include that and you know just strange people and so

I just wanted to accentuate that. And, you know, including there's a clown version of myself in the audience and side stage. You were on an extremely successful and great TV show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, for six seasons, if I'm not mistaken. Yes. And you left the show, which is not something that people usually do, but you did. And can I ask, what did you leave it to go do? I left it. Well, I guess what I have done since the show is I wrote a movie and I made an album about coffee.

I made a concept album all about coffee. Chelsea, every time I have coffee, I think about this song from your podcast from years ago about coffee, crank it, boom, a slew. Yeah. And I'm embarrassed to be like talking about it to you right now, but it is so funny and brilliant. And yeah, I want multiple albums. I could absolutely bury you in more coffee songs. So if I understand this correctly, and this is all new to me and I apologize. So you had a podcast, which I didn't know about.

And on the podcast, you performed a song about coffee. Yeah, well, you know, the producer that worked with me, Cool Co Jack is his name. I used to send him audio when I was on the road doing stand-up. I would drink coffee anywhere, any city I went to, I'd get my coffee. Then I'd get really hyper, and I like freestyle sing like acapella into my phone and send him music. And he would turn it into songs that sounded actually pretty polished because he's a real music producer. And we would put them on the podcast. And somehow we were like, we should make an entire album. We're like, we'll just slap it together in like two weeks and we'll submit it for a Grammy because it'll be

funny. And then you cut to eight months later, I'm like pacing back and forth and we've got like music lyrics all over his entire studio. And like, you know, it just turned into this crazy rabbit hole and it was so creatively fulfilling. I wouldn't take it back for the world, but it is a very bizarre way to have spent the year leading into a pandemic lockdown because i'm like i could have seen a couple more friends i could have i don't know can you give me like a lyric there's a song about oat milk and it's like do you have do you have do you have do you have oat milk? And it's basically just like when you're like waiting in line to get coffee

and you want oat milk. What is your favorite coffee drink? Well, I feel like the easiest way to answer you is to show you my yellow teeth. Wow. Chelsea Peretti, it is a delight to talk to you. We have invited you here to play a game that this time we're calling...

Chelsea Peretti meet Chelsea Football Club. You're Chelsea Peretti, and we wondered, what do you know about the Chelsea Football Club of the United Kingdom? We're going to ask you three questions about that team that was named after you in 1905. Luckily, their fans are not rabid at all. Answer two out of three questions correctly, you will win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Chelsea Peretti playing for? Robert Ward of South Bend, Indiana. All right. First question. The Chelsea Football Club has a

rich history, most of which it was a perennial loser, sort of like the Chicago Cubs. Back in the 1930s, the team tried something a little unusual to improve the team's performance. What was it? Was it A, they drafted Maurice, the famous Irish kicking mule to be their midfielder. B, they tried injecting the players

with a serum made from ground-up monkey testicles. Or C, telling their players to just pick up the ball and run for it. I'm going to say A. You're going to say A. They drafted Maurice, the famous Irish kicking mule,

to play on their team. That just sounds like something that would happen in old-timey days. It does. It does. Sadly, though, it was B. It was the monkey testicle. That was going to be my other one. You still have two more chances here, Chelsea. There's nothing monkey testicle. That was going to be my other one. You still have two more chances

here, Chelsea. There's nothing to worry about. Okay. The owner of the Chelsea FC is a Russian oligarch named Roman Abramovich. Now, the billionaire got his start in business by doing what just as the Soviet Union was collapsing? A, he did live theater versions of episodes of the American primetime soap opera Dynasty, B, he sold imported rubber ducks out of his Moscow apartment, or C, he sold fake Gorbachev birthmark tattoos to bald men. You know, I'm going to go ducks for no good reason. And for no good reason, you're right. That's what he did. It's unclear how he became a billionaire by selling rubber ducks, but presumably he had

a gift. What can I tell you? All right. Listen, people are stupid. All right, you have one more chance here, Chelsea. Like many legacy sports teams, Chelsea's fans have their traditions, like which of these? A, hurling celery onto the field, often directly

at opposing players. B, yelling forsooth. Itling celery onto the field, often directly at opposing players. B. Yelling forsooth. It cannot be whenever the other team scores. Or C. Simply staring in silent disapproval when one of their players does poorly. Celery. You're right, Chelsea. That's exactly right. Well, well.

Now, I should say, in case any Chelsea fans are listening, that they are not allowed to throw celery onto the field anymore. However, it is well known that are listening, that they are not allowed to throw celery onto the field anymore. However, it is well known that when Chelsea travels, they sometimes follow along and throw celery. Nobody knows why they do this. They just do it. Bill, how did Chelsea Peretti do in our quiz? Chelsea got two out of three right. That makes her a winner.

Congratulations, Chelsea. Thank you. There you go. Chelsea Peretti is a comedian and actress. You can currently see her in Friendsgiving, and her new album, Foam and Flotsam, is out now. Chelsea Peretti, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you guys so much.

That was fun. Thanks, Chelsea. Bye. Bye, Chelsea. Stay safe. Bye. That's it for our Leap into Spring special. We hope some of the joke seeds we planted this week will grow into mighty joke trees,

but with better joke fruits on them. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our intern is Emma Choi. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos,

and Lillian King. Peter Gwynn is our constant gardener. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Her business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. And the executive producer, wait, wait, don't tell me, is Mike Danforth. Thanks to everybody you heard this week. That means all our panelists, all our guests, and of course, the inestimable Bill Curtis. And thanks to all of you for listening. We hope everything you plant this spring comes up bountifully. I'm Peter Sagal, and we'll be back with a new show next week.

This is NPR.