Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Dan Perrault and Tony Yacenda

Episode Date: June 25, 2022

Dan Perrault and Tony Yacenda, creators of the new comedy series about E-sports, Players, on Paramount+ play our game about a C-sport: croquet. Joining them are panelists Peter Grosz, Adam Burke and Helen Hong.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Bueller, Bueller, Biller. I'm Bill Curtis. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theatre and the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thanks for coming out. Great to see you. Later on today, we are going to be talking to the two men who first made

Netflix's American Vandal, a brilliant parody of the true crime documentary genre, and they've now made Players, an equally brilliant parody of sports documentaries. They might have done a parody of public radio, but we in public radio do that ourselves pretty much every day. We are eager to hear your take on somebody who calls up news quiz shows to try to win a voicemail. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Meredith calling from beautiful Benzie County, Michigan. Well, that's great. How are you, Meredith? Where is this place that you live again? What county of Michigan? It's Benzie County, just south of Traverse City. Oh, in the beautiful north of Michigan. You're up near the

like the middle finger. So what do you do up there in Benzie County? I am running a summer STEAM day camp for elementary school students. Oh, by STEAM you mean science, technology, I can't remember all the acronyms. Yeah, science, technology, engineering, arts, and mathematics. That's awesome. For a second I thought you were having them run STEAM engines around, which would be also cool. Well, welcome to the show, Meredith. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian you can see at the Coval Distillery in Chicago, July 22nd.

And it's CG's comedy in Bolingbrook, Illinois, August 5th through 6th. It's Adam Burke. Hello. Hi. Hi, Adam. Next, it's a comedian whose new comedy special, Well Hong, is streaming now. It's Helen Hong. Hi.

Hi, Meredith. Hi, everybody. And an actor, writer, and comedian who is co-hosting the stand-up variety show, We Fixed It at Caveat in New York City on July 14th. It's Peter Gross. Hi, Meredith. How are you? Meredith, welcome to our show.

You're going to start us off this week by playing, of course, Who's Bill This Time? I bet you know this. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, explain or identify two of them. You win our prize. You ready to do this? So ready. So ready.

Here we go. Your first quote now is President Barack Obama back in the day talking about why he refused to do a particular thing about high gas prices. It's a gimmick. Joe Biden must disagree because this week he called for what? A gas tax holiday. A gas tax holiday. Yes, that's exactly right. Very good. On Wednesday, President Biden called for a gas tax holiday.

Biden said it was about giving Americans relief from high gas prices, but we know he just wants to get everybody back into their cars as revenge on that bicycle that tried to kill him. Are we going to have a stair tax holiday, too, for other times? Stairs tried to kill him? The idea is that this summer we will celebrate a 90-day holiday from paying federal taxes on gas. The idea, as you heard, has been around for a while. Every year, of course, Jewish people celebrate gas over.

That sounds like that's taxing on everyone around you. Exactly. It's usually what happens when we have Passover with my uncle Milt. Wait, so the tax is like, I read that it's like 18 cents. So then that's just across the board in every state, they will just go down by 18 cents. Well, that's the interesting question.

From $100 a gallon to $99.80 something cents. And here's the thing, the federal government will stop collecting that tax, but there's no obligation on the oil companies, the gas stations to like commensurately lower the price. I mean, so, you know, oil refiners can just keep the prices what it is and make more profits when they do this, pretending

there's been no tax cut at all. It's called gas tax lighting. Wait, is that true? There's no, no, there's no obligation. I no obligation i mean obviously you know there's obviously we'll know the gas tax has been uh lifted so if the price doesn't go down we might be curious but there's no obligation wait are you saying that exxon mobile does not have my best interest at heart my god i'm enraged what's the traditional meal for a gas tax holiday is there a gift do I owe people a gift well you have to leave cookies out for Papa Gas

it's terrible remember put out the fire because he will dump gas down your chimney are the cookies really oily you know what I hate I hate how the gas tax holidays become so commercialized you got to remember the reason for the season greed exactly all right here is your next quote I am not a robot that was a headline in the guardian about

what omnipresent online security check that we might never have to see again. Oh, can I have a hint? Well, if you've ever gone online to order something, theater tickets, you've always had to complete one of these. Oh, the CAPTCHA. Yes, exactly, CAPTCHAs. The CAPTCHA tests to prove that you are human are now just about obsolete thanks to a new iPhone update.

This is terrible news for all those photographers who made their money taking pictures of crosswalks. But at the same time, it's a big win for the National Association of People who cannot tell a zero from an O. I always thought it would be, if I was an evil genius, which I'm not, but if I was, I would invent a robot that had the ability to click the I am not a robot box. I've always wondered about that. Because how hard can it be to scan it and then click it?

It's weird, because as you say, these weird tests you had to pass devolved into just a box that said, click this, I'm not a robot. And I'm like, why can't... Maybe they know that the evil robots that want to do us harm cannot lie.

Are you a robot? Ah, damn it! You got me! One question! It's just like cops undercover. You ask them and they've got to tell you, like, are you a cop? Oh, man! But if they're a robot, they don't have to tell you. Wait, are you talking about some kind of robot cop?

What would that look like? Did you ever have this experience? Because sometimes they were really hard. Because like, is that a bicycle? I don't know. And you like, you fail it. Yes. And you start to doubt yourself.

Yes. It's like, am I a robot? I remember my childhood. Right. No implants. Yeah. Implanting memories. Oh, man.

Some of them are really pointless. Some of them are like, which of these is a stop sign? And being a pedestrian in Chicago, I know that no one here knows what a stop sign is. It could be really hard, too, because it could be like, which of these is Pad See You? And which of these is Pad Woon Sen? I just ordered this last night.

I can't remember. Which is the thick noodles? Wow. Which one am I allergic to? Yeah, why were we doing this? Was it so important to keep robots from buying all the tickets to Dear Evan Hansen? Dear Evan Hansen.

It's my favorite. I was teased in high school as well. Alright, here is your last quote. Congratulations, Ohio State. Enjoy your word. That was Jason Gay writing in the Wall Street Journal, congratulating the Ohio State University for

trademarking what word this week? Buckeyes? No. Not that. I'll give you a hint. I said it. It's part of their official name. The. Yes. The Ohio State University. The Ohio State University, the big state school in the capital of Ohio, has trademarked the word the for exclusive use. Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, Ohio. I should have said Ohio State University, big school in capital of Ohio.

The school's official name is The Ohio State University, which is fine. You know, my official name is The Peter Sagal, but I'm not a jerk about it. This is just nuts. I don't know what the world is coming to. I just want to go home and listen to music from my favorite band, Beatles.

Was this coming up a lot? Were people in job interviews? Wait a minute. Did you go to the Ohio State University or a Ohio State University? No, man. I couldn't get in. I had to go to that Ohio State University. I went to some Ohio State Universities.

Go to more than one? No, apparently what they have trademarked it for is commercial use, right? So they wanted to sell hats and say, duh. What? Now they can, because they got the trademark. How? So it's literally an article of clothing.

It literally is. Very good. That's pretty good. More for that for an NPR crowd. I was going to say, I mean, listen, as I've told you, I've done this show for 12 years. That was a bullseye. That was just an NPR bullseye.

It was fire. Bill, how did Meredith do on our quiz? The Meredith from the Michigan finally beat Ohio State. Yeah. Hey. Congratulations, Meredith. One and all. Three and oh.

Thanks a lot for playing. Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Peter, researchers announced this week that they have finally sequenced the genome of D. follicularum, which is a tiny mite known for its habit of mating where? In public, you freak. In a way, yeah.

Not to kink shame, but you know. So there are tiny mites. Tiny, tiny mites. That like to mate with their fellow mites. Yes. On a larger mite. A much larger creature. Is it us? Yes. Humans. Specifically a larger mite. A much larger creature. Is it us?

Yes. Humans. Specifically on your face. What? While you sleep. Wait, wait, wait. On your face while you sleep? Yes.

Wait, why do you have to be sleeping? That is freaky. I mean, no, wait till he goes to sleep. No, I can't. It's not exciting for me. I'll be sleeping. I also love the idea of mites shushing each other. Yeah.

Keep it down, mites. You're being so loud. They can hear you in the next cell. Yeah, how microscopic are these? These are very, very microscopic. No. They're tiny, tiny, tiny. So it could have happened to me and I wouldn't have known.

Yes. It could have. What? So wait, are you saying my face is just Coachella? Pretty much. Are you saying my face is a Holiday Inn? No. Coming up, we go way beyond

payola in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Peter Gross, Adam Burke, and Helen Hong.

And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our

game on the air. Hi, you are on. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi. Hi, who's this? It's Jim. Hey, Jim. In New Jersey. Oh, Jim from New Jersey. Oh, okay. Jersey Jim. Jersey Jim. Where in Jersey? I'm from Jersey. Now I'm in Brick, but I used to be in Hudson County, where I used to go right across the tunnel and work as a cab driver in Manhattan. And one night in the early morning in the early 80s,

I had Bill Curtis. Yes, he was making his way to CBS. It was like early, early, something like 4 a.m. and the beginning of his day and the end of mine. Wow. Bill, you must remember meeting Jim, right?

Yes, Jim. And I told everybody I walked to work. I'm going to ask because, you know, was he a good tipper? Yeah. He was very avuncular.

No, he was very... I can't speak for myself. So what you're saying is no. Very nice. You're a saying is no. Very nice. You're a very kind man. Very nice. Well, welcome, Jim, to our show. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction.

Bill, what is Jim's topic? Are you ready to rock? Musicians need to do whatever they can these days to get their music out in front of the people. To this day, whenever Drake has a new album, he hand-delivers a copy to every resident in Canada. This week, we read about another artist going to surprising lengths to get their music listened to.

Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth, and you will win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice, on your voicemail. Ready to play? Yep. First, let's hear from Helen Hong. Fans of Taylor Swift love debating which of her ex-boyfriends her songs are about.

Is that one about Jake Gyllenhaal, who she dated in 2010? Or about Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who she dated in 2007, according to a rumor that I am starting right now with this very sentence. But not everybody loves the mystery. So now Tay-Tay is releasing versions of her songs that spell out explicitly, with no symbolism whatsoever, what she's talking about. In the song Trouble, she used to sing, I knew you were trouble when you walked in. But now she sings, I knew you, Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers, were trouble when you walked in. Then, in an unprecedented lyrical flourish, she actually sings a hyperlink you can use for more information. Quote, you and me clashed.

More at http://etc. The new versions called Swift's Notes are out next week. Taylor Swift puts out an annotated version of her album. Your next story of a musical gimmick comes from Adam Burke and the Burkettes. While shopping for a birthday card for her mother, Oslo resident Bella Magnusson thought nothing of quickly grabbing the

nearest musical card that seemed to fit the bill. It wasn't until Magnusson's 93-year-old mother opened it and was greeted by a 60 decibel blast of loud grinding heavy metal guitars and the words happy birthday to you hellfire and dragons are all pretty cool my motorcycle runs on nightmare fuel oh and in closing happy birthday to you that she realized that this was no ordinary card

it was all part of an innovative marketing strategy by Norwegian heavy metal group Death Biscuit, who teamed with a greeting card firm to launch a line of surprise musical birthday cards. They seem innocuous enough on the outside, but feature an enhanced extra loud sound chip that plays a hit from the band's lengthy and only slightly satanic back catalogue. Surprisingly, complaints about the cards have been few, with Magnussen explaining that her mother, quote, thought that they had just updated the birthday song.

Heavy metal band slips their music surprisingly into birthday cards. Your last story of a song, Scheme, comes from Peter Gross. The rock band Weezer has always been known for their loyal fan base, and this week they are rewarding their fans' dedication.

The band is giving Weezheads, as nobody calls them, a chance to hear the song Records, the first single from their upcoming album, one week early before the album officially drops. All you have to do is download an app called Human Record Player, which has been specifically designed to play the song records in a unique way. If you hold your phone and spin like a record, clockwise at 33 and a third revolutions per minute, the song will play out of your phone.

If you spin for three minutes, you get to hear the whole song, and you get a free prize, vomit on your shirt. It's a fun throwback to how we never listened to records before. Some are criticizing this as just a gimmick, but it's actually very modern. It has that kind of NFT, one-of-a-kind experience. If NFT stood for not fun time. Just remember, don't spin backwards, or you will promise your soul to Satan for all of eternity. All right. One of these groups hit upon an unusual method to get their music out there. Was it from Helen Hong? Taylor Swift puts out an annotated version explaining who every boyfriend was. From Adam Burke, a Swedish heavy metal band slips their music into surprising

birthday cards. Or from Peter Gross, Weezer lets you listen to their song but only if you spin around like a record player which of these is the real story of a musical gimmick? I know Taylor Swift is notorious for referring to old boyfriends but I don't know if she'd go to those lengths I'll go with

Taylor Swift then maybe you're going to go with Taylor Swift putting out the annotated version alright well go with Taylor Swift then, maybe. You're going to go with Taylor Swift, putting out the annotated version. All right. Well, to find out the real answer, we spoke to someone who helped the band come up with this gimmick. The Human Record Player is a website

that requires you to spin in a circle to hear Weezer's newest song. That was the artist Brian Moore, who developed the Human Turntable app with Weezer. I'm so sorry Jim, but Peter had the real story. Jim, thank you so much for playing with us. Good to hear you.

It's gotta be. That's right. It's gotta be. That's right. Come on. It's gotta be. Yeah. And now the game where people who are very good at their jobs find out how the rest of us feel. It's called Not My Job.

The true crime documentary American Vandal on Netflix was so good, it took some people a little while to figure out it was a brilliant parody of the true crime genre. The two creators, Dan Peralt and Tony Yesenda, have a new fake-slash-real documentary on Paramount+. Players about the cutthroat and very real world of professional video gaming, Dan Peralt and Tony Yesenda, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you for having us. Don't Tell Me.

Thank you for having us. So how did you guys get into the documentary parody business? You know, in 2016, True Crime had a huge moment with making a murderer, a serial, the jinx. And Tony and I decided, well, we have to do the stupid version of this. All right, the stupid version. And can you tell us, American Vandal was a very serious-seeming multi-part documentary. It's now two seasons.

But I think it's important that you let everybody know what the crime was that was being investigated. There was a student in this fictional high school of Hanover High School in Oceanside, California, who was expelled for spray painting phallic images on his teacher's car. I don't know what I'm allowed to say on NPR.

Frankly, neither do we. We've been doing this for 25 years, so just go for it. It's a crime he may not have committed. There's a lot of holes in the school board's case. Right, I see. These intrepid

high school documentarians set out to find the truth and I made a joke about this but I'm wondering if it's true did people think this was real? because you guys like nail the details yeah just the other week I was in a conversation where somebody was like

and whatever happened to that guy? I'm like oh oh, he's doing great. He's on a show on ABC. And they're like, what do you mean? He became an actor? I'm like, oh, no. Oh, you watched all eight episodes and thought this was real. Did you ever hear from the

people who were making the actual true crime documentaries? And if so, did they like what you were doing? We have had some conversation. We're huge fans of Sarah Koenig, for example. We had the absolute pleasure of meeting her at the Peabody Awards in 2018 and had a great

conversation with her. But honestly, there is no version of American Vandal without her. We are such huge serial fans. I know. It's amazing. Of course, Sarah Koenig. I will say, though, I have a recurring nightmare where Errol Morris pops up

and calls me a hack and he hates me and so that is one of my biggest, darkest fears. He's staring right into the camera. Just like one of his documentaries. You're terrible people. You said something a moment ago and I just want to highlight this.

You won a Peabody Award, which is, of course, an award given to the finest in broadcast content. Really, it's fiction, nonfiction, radio, television, documentaries, and groundbreaking films. And they gave it to you for a fake documentary about a guy who drew penises on cars. And I think that is awesome. It's still a metaphor for the justice system. It really is. We shook hands with Carol Burnett, who just received a Lifetime Achievement Award

the second before we went up to accept an award about spray-painted d***. There you are. It's a weird world we live in. I think that's great. I wanted to ask you about Players, which I've watched. It's on Paramount Plus now. It is, again,

if you didn't know that it was fake, it would take you a while to figure it out. It is about the world of esports, professional video gaming. And no spoilers, it has a lot of what seems like very accurate detail about that world. How much research did you have to do and how fun was it? It was so much fun. I mean, it is such a bizarre and weird and amazing world all at the same time. You never feel older than being in a arena, a sold-out arena full of kids,

all cheering passionately for a man named Fudge and Licorice. Right. One of the fun things about it, you just mentioned it, is all of these players have nicknames or handles they use when they're playing. Your protagonist is named Cream Cheese. Is it spelled like with some Zs and a bunch of E's? No, but his rival organism, it does have a Z in his name. And, of course, Cream Cheese's former handle

that he moved on from is Nut Milk. So with those two examples, can you tell me some of the nicknames you thought of and didn't use? moved on from is nut milk. So with those two examples, can you tell me some of the nicknames you thought of and didn't use? Well, it's really funny that you're talking about the number of Zs and 3s potentially in cream cheese. That was a big point of contention in the writer's room. You really had to figure that out.

And we ended up with no Zs. So do you, I have to ask this, because I gotta ask, I mean, doing these things must be so difficult, you know, researching the world and coming up with your characters and writing their arcs. Have you ever thought, like,

just taking it easy and, like, making a real documentary about something that actually happened? We do, I mean, yes, and we love real docs, and then after a while, it's like, ah, let's do something stupid again. Yeah, I mean, yes, and we love Real Ducks. And then after a while, it's like, let's do something stupid again. Yeah, I know. The call of the stupid man.

It's really been my siren song. Well, it is great to talk to you. But in fact, Dan and Tony, we have invited you here to play a game that this time we're calling... Welcome to the cutthroat world of Seasports. Your new show is about e-sports, but what do you know about seasports? We mean, of course, croquet. Answer two out of these three questions about croquet, and you'll want to prize one of our listeners the voicemail of their choice in their voicemail. Bill, who are Dan and Tony playing for? Ron Wells of Las Vegas, Nevada.

All right, first question. Croquet became extremely popular in Victorian England, particularly because it was one of the very few games in which men could play with women and thus flirt. But scandal doomed the sport. Specifically what? A, when the Atherton Croquet Club used raw liver as a performance-enhancing drug. B, women were using their voluminous skirts to push the

ball and get a better lie. Or C, when Lord Malverson was caught training a squirrel to push opponents' balls into the underbush. I'm thinking B. So your choice is B, and that's right. Many historians believe that women were accused of cheating at croquet

only because they consistently beat the men. All right. You have two more chances. Croquet was actually part of the Olympics at the beginning of the modern Olympics in 1900, but the IOC quickly decided to omit the sport from the Olympics after that year. Why? A, croquet fans just too rowdy and violent.

B, the IOC, following tradition, couldn't remember where in their garage they left their croquet set. Or C, because only one, one spectator showed up to watch it. I think I got a good feel for this one. You can get mad over any sport, no matter what it is.

You can get hot over it. I'm going with A, they were a rowdy crowd. That was rowdy and violent. And it was tough back then, because it was 1900. Imagine the size of the batteries they had to throw. Actually, the answer was in fact C, sadly.

Only one person showed up to watch Olympic croquet, so no more Olympic croquet. Do we know who it was? Was it like the king of Prussia or something? Probably. I probably should have named just some guy from New Jersey. Alright, now, so we're going to give you credit because I think Tony got the first one right, so

if you guys can work together and pick the right answer, this third one, you will win. Croquet is often unfavorably compared to other more manly sports, but one croquet team in Calgary, Canada one year proved how tough they were when they did what? A, caught an escaping mugger by hitting him with a well-struck ball from a distance of 80 feet. B, fought off with their mallets an attacking softball team who were using their bats. Or C, played through a historic snowstorm, forcing them to constantly clear the lawn with flamethrowers. All of them are so awesome. They are pretty awesome, but only one of them, sadly, is true.

It's like that old saying, that'll bring a baseball bat to a mallet fight. I think we're going C, right, Dan? C, you're going to go for C. All right. No, it was B. There was a dispute with a softball team who wanted the same patch of grass at the same time. It got ugly. The softball team pulled out their bats.

The croquet team pulled out their mallets. And three softball players went to the hospital with mallet injuries. What? Wait, but how many croqueters had baseball bat injuries? That's a good question. But the news story that I found indicated that the croquet players were triumphant. Somebody needs to make a West Side

Story about this. Spielberg? Bill, how did Tony and Dan do on our quiz? Well, they got two wrong answers, one right, but as their history is any guide, they didn't mean it anyway. So welcome to our house. Yeah.

Dan Peralta and Tony Yesenda are the creators of Players, now on Paramount+. Dan and Tony, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Congratulations and have a great show. Thank you for having us. Take care. Thanks so much. In just a minute, we reveal this summer's new refreshing treat

in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Helen Hong, Peter Gross, and Adam Burke. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill does his own laser hair rye-movel in our listener limerick challenge game.

Smooth as a peach, our Bill. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Helen, a new study out this week says you are much more likely to die if you can't do what for 10 seconds? Oh, geez.

Phew. Breathe. Intake oxygen. Give me a hint, please. Apparently flamingos will live forever. Stand on one foot? Exactly right. The study found that people who are not able to stand on one foot for 10 seconds

are twice as likely to die in the next 10 years as people who can. So that you aren't all distracted for the rest of the show, we will now take a 10-second pause. Seriously? I need to get up and see if I can do it. I have been doing it for the entire time behind this door. The researchers say that poor balance indicates poor musculoskeletal fitness, which is related to mortality.

But there are other reasons beside that, that poor balance could be linked to an early death. Maybe you keep tipping to one side because there's a very heavy knife stuck in that side. Maybe you are at this moment falling down the side of a very steep mountain. Don't you feel like scientists are just running out of things to study? Like at this point

they're just like, yeah, stand on one foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, try to do that. This sounds like the hazing new guy at the lab. Yeah. Now this applies to people under 70, so keep riding that bike, President Biden. And they found that for people over 80, a leading cause of death is trying

to stand on one foot for 10 seconds. On the rim of a volcano. What happened to Grandpa? He was trying to prove he was going to live forever. Adam, pickleball has taken the country by storm, but the hot news sport is what kind of pickleball?

Okay, you said a bunch of words. I did. So I don't know. None of them made sense to me. You don't know pickleball? No, I have no idea what pickleball is. It's like tennis with a wooden paddle. Do you need a pickle? You do not need a pickle.

I'll give you a hint. It's not only exciting, but it's also economical because it saves money on uniforms. So, pickle an onion's ball. By which you mean? Nude pickleball, yes. Pickleball. Nudist camps say that nude pickleball, much more popular

than nude tennis, their prior favorite sport, because it's accessible to everyone. It's very social. And who doesn't love the chance to say, speaking of pickleballs, look at Scotty over there. This seems highly dangerous to me. Yeah. I see your point. Don't you think that if you get hit by a pickleball...

But if you get hit by a ball through, like, cotton clothes, you think you're like, oh, thank God I was wearing shorts, or else that really would have hurt? Well, yeah, but I'm just saying it's more dangerous for the other people around you to have to see your pickle being named. The laughter doubles. Well, it's also your pickle being named. The laughter doubles.

Helen, British journalists got access to a trove of emails sent by members of the House of Lords. And it turns out the one thing the Lords are most upset about is what? The House of Lords. The House of Lords. That's the upper house of the British Parliament. It's like their Senate. Yes. I'm going to need a hint, I think. You're going to need a hint. You do not

expect a member of the peerage to eat a shrinked wrapped sandwich, do you? Oh, the catering? Yes. They're very upset about the food available to them in Parliament. What? Parliament has a number of bars and restaurants for the exclusive use of members,

and the Lords are not pleased with the current quality. One wrote in an email, quote, both the Chardonnay and the Sauvignon Blanc are really poor quality. It's not that you're dumb. Real quote. Another Lord wrote, again, real quote, the current offering of salads leaves much to be desired. I realize you need

to make a profit, but the margin on your smoked salmon seems extortionate. Sometimes 21st century Britain could be 19th century Britain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always nice to hear the email that starts the revolution. That would be

fun, like this started everything. They showed up, you know, like a flaming bottle. Here's your Chardonnay. Poor quality threw something better. Can't you throw some vermouth and gin for Christ's sake? Yeah, right. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme.

If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924, or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. Plus, come see us live here most weeks at the Studebaker in Chicago or June 30th at the Mann Center in Philadelphia and August 25th and 26th at Wolf Trap right outside Washington, D.C. Tickets and info are at nprpresents.org. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Oh, hello, everyone. Hello, who's this? This is Claire calling from Central Virginia by way of Spice's California. Oh, really? Okay.

So, are you routing your call through California, or that's where you're from, and now you're in Virginia? Yeah, I'm from Troy, Virginia, but I'm originally from California. I'm helping my 90-year-old mother move into her new home. Oh, good for you. That's nice. And what do you normally do when you're not doing that? Well, I am a consultant.

I am a co-host of a podcast and a few other unpaid work. Yeah, I think that's great. But I think at this point, we can all just assume that hosting a podcast is a given with everyone. No need to mention that. But thank you. Thanks for calling, Claire, and welcome to the show. You're going to, of course, play the game in which Bill Curtis is going to read three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing. Your job, fill that in, do that

two times out of three, you'll win our prize. You ready to go? I am ready. All right, here you go. Here is your first limerick. It's a snack a lost bet makes you snatch up. Though some frozen foods might be a match-up. Or as fast food surprise that can cool down hot fries. It's a popsicle tasting like... Ketchup? Yes, ketchup. You can't decide between having a hot dog and having dessert. Don't bother with French's new Frenchicle ketchup popsicle, you can have the worst of both worlds. It's perfect for anyone nostalgic for that childhood treat in the winter of eating icicles with condiments. I wanted to clap for her getting it, and I also wanted to be like, ew! Not you, not you.

All right, here is your next limerick. Georgios will be a career crook, and Zorba will sport a pierced ear look. On this marble they wrote a Euripides quote. This old slab is an ancient Greek. I am really blanking. Yeah, it is hard. It's got a quote in it.

You might have been voted most likely to succeed. I mean, I don't know. No, I'll give you the answer. It's yearbook. Oh, yearbook. Oh, my God. I would never have gotten that. Career crook.

Researcher. It's okay. Researchers have discovered. It's too late, man. It's over. He's like, no, I can save her. Give her the answer. It's done. Researchers have discovered that an inscribed marble tablet from ancient Greece is, in fact, a 2,000-year-old school yearbook. The carving in the marble tablet is a list of classmates in an ancient Athenian school.

The inscriptions include a description of the class, 31 names, including nicknames, and of course, a vote for Pedro quote. And under each name, of course, superlatives, right? Most likely to die in a volcanic ash. Most likely to talk your ear off about triangles. Most likely to star on a hit urn. Did picture day in Greek schools take forever? Don't make a

face for the love of God. Don't make a face. Alright, you have one more chance. If you get this, you do win. Here is your last limerick. It's Cape Cod. Take your top off and chuck it. Live it up before you kick the bucket. There was an old man, and he was a big fan.

Topless beaches abound in... Nantucket. Yes, there you go. I really wanted her to say yearbook. I did, I did. I just want to point out, after 25 years of doing this, quite nearly, we have finally had a limerick that ends in the word Nantucket.

It took that long to get here, but we're here. Nantucket residents voted this week to pass the Gender Equality on Beaches Amendment, which would allow anyone, anyone, male or female, to go topless on the beach. It's a rare issue on which committed feminists and total pervs come together. Opponents on Nantucket are worried about this measure's effect on small children, a group

famous for never having interacted with breasts. Bill, how did Claire do in our quiz? She didn't get one, but she got two, and that's a winner, Claire. Congratulations. Well done, Claire. Thank you.

Thanks so much for playing. Thank you very much. Take care. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Peter has two.

Helen has three. Adam has three. All right. So, Peter, you are going first. The clock will start when I begin your first question, fill-in-the-blank. are going first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday,

federal agents searched the home of Jeffrey Clark, one of Blank's Department of Justice officials. Trump. Yes. On Monday, Emmanuel Macron's party lost their majority in the Parliament of Blank. France. Yes. This week, Russian officials say they are considering the death penalty for two Americans caught fighting in Blank. Ukraine. Yes. On Tuesday, a bipartisan group of senators

advanced a new Blank safety bill. Gun. Yes. This week, a bipartisan group of senators advanced a new blank safety bill. Gun? Yes. This week, a man in Louisiana was given a ticket when police noticed that that blank wasn't wearing a seatbelt. His dog. You're right. On Sunday, Swimming's governing body

barred blank women from competition. Trance. Yes. For the first time since 2020, the big cryptocurrency blank dropped below $20,000. Bitcoin? Yes. A New York Times article on the new Australian National Dictionary this week reported that

the Australian phrase for gentrifier is someone who blanks. They don't let their koala out. They just let that koala run crazy. No, the person, a gentrifier is someone who lives behind the quinoa curtain. The article reported another Australian slang, like an ugly person is someone who, quote, has a face, like a half-sucked mango. Bill, how

did Peter do in our quiz? Really well. Peter had seven right for 14 more points. He now has 16 in the lead. All right. Helen, I'm going to arbitrarily pick you to go next, so here we go. Fill in the blank.

On Thursday, the Supreme Court struck down New York's blank control laws. Gun control. Yes. On Sunday, Representative Adam Kinzinger warned that the 2024 blank would devolve into violence. Presidential election. Yes.

This week, a federal judge postponed the sedition trial for the leaders of the white supremacist group blank. Proud Boys. Yes. On Wednesday, the chair of the Federal Reserve said that a blank was in fact possible. Recession. Yes. This week, a motorcyclist in Minnesota explained to police that the reason he was caught going 144 miles per hour was blank.

He really had to pee. No, it was so hot out and he just wanted to cool down. On Sunday, the CDC approved blanks for kids as young as six months. COVID vaccine. Yes, for the first time, federal workers had the day off to celebrate blank on Monday. Juneteenth. Yes, this week, the Church of England issued an official referendum

saying that clergy are not anymore allowed to perform baptisms while wearing blank. Thongs. No. I'm going to give it to you. While wearing only their underwear. Yeah. Yay. The ruling says that the church...

I was going to be a stickler, then I realized none of this matters. The ruling says that the church considers underwear to be, quote, intimate apparel that is inappropriate for holy rituals. So, for the record, underwear baptism is out, but nude baptism is still okay. Bill, how did Helen do in our quiz? Seven right, 14 more points, 17, and the lead.

All right. How many, then, does Adam Burke need to win? Eight to win. No chance. All right, Adam, this is for the game. Seven and a half. Here we go. Following threats, members of the House Committee investigating the blank received additional security.

January 6th. Yes. On Wednesday, the FBI arrested Florida politician blank on charges of corruption. Gillum. Yes, Gillum is good. This week, leaders in Europe approved Ukraine's request to become a candidate to join the blank. The EU. Right. Rescue workers

say they're still looking for survivors after a 5.9 degree earthquake hit blank on Wednesday. Afghanistan. Yes. This week, a woman who was elected mayor of a city in Japan said she was surprised by her win because blank. She wasn't, she didn't put her name on the ballot. No, because she lives in Belgium

following a massive flooding blank national park reopened on Wednesday. Yosemite? No, Yellowstone. This week, attendees at an NFT conference in New York were disappointed when an appearance by Snoop Dogg turned out to be blank. About as valuable as an NFT.

No. The Snoop Dogg turned out to be a Snoop Dogg impersonator named Doop Snog. No. Everyone at the NFT conference was disappointed to find out they had been duped by the fake Snoop Dogg, who wandered the halls with an equally fake security detail. It's honestly really shocking to think that the people who run an NFT conference would be so comfortable scamming people out of their money. I would put it to you that my answer was correct. Bill, did Adam do well enough to win?

He got four right, eight more points, total of 11, but his 11 will not allow him to win. Helen is our champion. And it was the thong that got you there. I know. Thank you, thong. Thank you, thong. In just a minute, we'll ask our panelists to predict, now that the is taken,

what will be the next word to get trademarked and by whom. But first, let me tell you, Wait, Wait, Don't Thumb. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeka writes our limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman, our tour manager is Shana Donald,

thanks to the staff and crew at the Studio Bacon Theatre, BJ Lederman, composed our theme, our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Nurnbos, Lillian King, and Nancy Seichau. Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez-Semianides. Special thanks to Blythe Robertson, Peter Gwynn is our COO, hell, technical direction is Lorna White, our CFO is Colin Miller, Simeonides. Special thanks to Blythe Robertson. Peter Gwynn is our COOL. Technical Directors, Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our Production Manager is Robert Newhouse. Our Senior Producers, Ian Chilock and the Executive Producer, wait, wait, don't tell me, is Michael Danforth. Now panel, what will be the next word to be trademarked? Adam Burke. The next word to

be trademarked will be when Joe Biden trademarks the word malarkey, which is also the name of his new cologne slash joint liniment. Helen Hong. The words that I say even more often than the, hey, Siri. And Peter Gross. NPR will trademark the word wait, but forget to trademark the phrase wait wait which is where I swoop in and make millions. Well, if any

of that happens, we'll ask you about it on wait. Wait, don't tell me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Adam Burke, Helen Hong, Peter Gross. Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the Studio Bakers Theatre in the beautiful Michigan Avenue curtain wall in the Fine Arts Building.

I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week from Philadelphia. Thank you. This is NPR.