Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Dan Riskin

Episode Date: June 20, 2020

Dan Riskin, bat expert, joins us along with panelists Tom Papa, Roxanne Roberts, and Joel Kim Booster.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Hey everybody, come outside and play me, Ultimate Frizz Bill. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host. Coming to you from a hole he dug in his yard, he's calling his new office. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill, and thanks, fake audience, which this week are a group of people who are happy, and they know it. Now, a lot of people blame bats for the coronavirus,

but imagine how they feel about that. I mean, first, Ben Affleck is cast as Batman, and now this. Later on, we're going to be talking to bat expert Dan Riskin about how things look from, you know, the bat's point of view. Well, metaphorically, because bats are blind as... Well, you get the idea. Meanwhile, we want to know how well you've been sensing your surroundings.

Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now it's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, it's Mitch from Austin, but calling from Oklahoma. Oh, why are you in Oklahoma if you're if you're from Austin? Well, I'm up here for the American Association for Nude Recreation's Southwest Convention, and I am the current president. And if things go well, I get to remain president.

You are the president of the Southwestern Association for Nude Recreation? Right, for the Southwest region, which includes Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Arkansas. Okay. And you're having a convention now in the midst of the pandemic? Yes. We have separation going on, you know, social distancing, and masks are being worn. Where are they wearing the masks? I was going to ask how you tell each other apart when you can't see your faces, but I actually don't want to ask. Basically, I would much rather spend the next hour talking to you about your hobby. But sadly, we have a job to do.

So welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panelists this week. First up, a comedian who hosts the podcast Urgent Care and appears on the third season of Search Party, now on HBO Max. It's Joel Kim Booster. Hello, Mitch. I also want to talk to you off mic for a couple of hours I think I'll get your deets later Next a writer for the Washington Post And the proud owner of two new kittens Who think she's staying home all day just to play with them

It's Roxanne Roberts Hi And author of the new book You're Doing Great and Other Reasons to Stay Alive And host of the new podcast Breaking Bread With Tom Papa It's Tom Papa. And I make it as well. I have literally never asked this of any listener in the 22 years we've been doing this show,

Mitch, but I kind of have to. Are you, in fact, practicing nudity at this moment? Of course. Yes. Of course. Of course. Of course he is. All right then. This is already the best episode I've ever been on. It really is. We've really finally hit the zenith right here. Well, Mitch, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read

you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Yes, I am. All right. Your first quote is from Donald J. Trump, literary critic. The book, which is getting terrible reviews, is a compilation of lies and made-up stories, all intended to make me look bad.

President Trump didn't particularly much care for a new book by whom? Bolton. Yes, John Bolton. Now, you may remember John Bolton as the third worst Bolton there is after Ramsay Bolton, the psychopathic villain from Game of Thrones, and Michael Bolton. Now, John Bolton has published a book which says, among other things, that the president doesn't know where Finland is,

constantly offers to do favors for dictators to get them to help him win re-election, and, most devastatingly to Trump, that the world's best president mug he keeps on the Resolute desk isn't a real award. I like how it's all lies, it's all made up, and at the same time, it's all classified top secret information that can't be put out there into the world. Exactly. What's weird is the book has been printed. It is in bookstores. People have copies, and the DOJ is still trying to stop the publication. Well, they do have legal precedent on their side, the well-known Supreme Court case Horse vs. Barn Door.

And I should say that the book is getting terrible reviews, not just from the president. The New York Times says it, quote, toggles between exceedingly tedious and slightly unhinged, unquote. How could John Bolton be such a bad writer? Does his MFA and warmongering from the Iowa Writers Workshop mean nothing? I think the worst thing is all the Hamilton fans who are offended on behalf of the book's title.

Yes, I know. The book's title, I mean, the book's title, of course, comes from the musical Hamilton. There's a song, The Room Where It Happens. There's no, like, the only other greater villain than John Bolton in this situation are Hamilton fans. Okay, always, always, always, always villains. Do you think Trump actually reads the book or he just has someone come in and give him the gist? No, no. How would you like to have the job of presidential gist giver?

No, no. How would you like to have the job of presidential gist giver? Your job is to go in there and summarize all the insulting things the latest book says about the president. Go. The room he's talking about is the kitchen. It was just all about you and eating and it's fine. All right. Very good.

Here is your next quote, Mitch. Today they ruled I can't be fired for being gay. Challenge accepted. That was a man on Twitter responding to news that who said this week that you cannot fire someone for being gay? The Supreme Court. The Supreme Court, yes, of course. People looked at the news Monday morning and had this strange alien feeling.

It was happiness. Gay people across the country raised their arms in the air and shouted, finally, now I can waste my life in a dead-end job like everybody else. I'm going to get fired for my bad personality, just like my straight brothers and sisters. There you go. Straight brothers and sisters. There you go. The thing that was so fascinating to me is how surprised conservatives were.

I think they had sort of thought that they had the court in the bag now. Yeah. I mean, it's weird. These guys were hired and placed. I mean, they were grown in tanks, right? To be on the Supreme Court and deliver conservative judgments. And it's like those science fiction movies where the computers all of a sudden start rebelling. Yeah, somebody spilled water on Gorsuch.

Exactly. Short-circuiting. Now, Justice Gorsuch, in his opinion, his reasoning was quite simple. If two employees are both attracted to a man, and one of those employees is a woman and the other is a man, and you fire the man, that's sex discrimination. There you go.

Justice Alito's dissent said, wait, this guy we're talking about, how hot is he? My kids heard about the ruling. We were talking about it at dinner, and they were really confused. They're like, so wait, you mean you could be mean to them before?

And I had to go to the Supreme Court to get people to be nice to them? Yeah, that's kind of the way it works. That's pretty much it. Devastated to learn Tom's kids are 17 and 19. And that's just the way they talk. All right, Mitch. Your last quotes are three separate descriptions of one area. A totalitarian takeover. And? A group of rogue protesters with a stranglehold on the city.

And? There was an impromptu dodgeball game. They were describing a place that was called Chaz, a kind of police-free commune that's been created on the streets of what city? Oh, gosh. I'm thinking, not Philadelphia. No, not Philadelphia. I'll give it to you. You've already won. It's Seattle.

Seattle is where this is happening. Protesters took over a police precinct in a gentrified section of Seattle, and the police said, fine, we'll just leave. See how you enjoy the misery of not having police around. And it turns out when you take away the police, you get horrible things like movie nights and dodgeball games and really good weed. It was great for a while, but then the drum circles started up and everybody yelled, fund the police, fund the police. Now, first of all, just to be clear, it was called CHAZ,

Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone. Now it is called CHOP for Capitol Hill Organized Protest. They had to change the name. You can't call something CHAZ without having an alligator embroidered on it somewhere. Seattle must be a horrible place to be a nudist.

I'm just going to say this. I think I speak for everybody on this show. That's all we've been I'm just going to say this for... I think I speak for everybody on this show. That's all we've been able to think about this entire last seven minutes or so. I mean, these news stories are cute, but I'm just picturing where else would you want to be naked? Seattle would be horrible.

So, Mitch, are there nudists in Seattle? Oh, there's nudists all over the United States and over the world, for that matter. Oh, that sounds like a threat. Well, Bill, how did Mitch do on our quiz? In complete transparency, he was exposed as a winner. Congratulations, Mitch. That was well done, Bill.

All I can tell you is you have my endorsement. Mitch, thank you so much for joining us, and good luck to you. I hope it's a good conference. Thanks very much. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom, the ocean is an amazing place filled with natural wonders, and thanks to a group of researchers, it might soon have what? It might soon have coral again?

No, that would be nice. Can't give you coral back, but we can give you this. I'll give you a hint. If it stops working, just unplug the ocean and plug it back in. The internet. The internet connected in what way? Connected

through Wi-Fi. Exactly! The ocean will have Wi-Fi! Researchers this week demonstrated the first ever underwater Wi-Fi system. This is great because before this you have to swim with a really, really long Ethernet cable. This

actually goes through the water itself? Yes, it goes to the water because it uses light beams and other methods that transmit through water. That actually sounds very cool. I can't wait to Instagram my drowning. That sounds so exciting. It's very strange to think about how having Wi-Fi will change life underwater. For example, finding Nima will be easy.

You just Google his address. And Ariel would be able to just buy a pair of legs on eBay. If the ocean promised me full Wi-Fi bars all the time, I would move to the ocean. I would leave land. Are you sure? Are you sure? Because really, in the ocean, think of all the fishing scams.

Coming up, our panelists head outside and are bluffed to listen again. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Joel Kim Booster, Tom Papa, and Roxanne Roberts. And here again is your host, a man who makes his mask wear a mask to be extra safe, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Gil. Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff, the listener game.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play any of our games on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, how are you doing? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm well, thanks. Steve Ross. Hey, Steve, where are you calling from? Fort Collins, Colorado. Fort, wait a minute you? I'm well, thanks. Steve Ross. Hey, Steve. Where are you calling from? Fort Collins, Colorado. Wait a minute.

Fort Collins? Yes, sir. You don't sound like you're from there. Oh, no. I'm definitely a Boston guy. Oh, that's what I thought I heard. How'd you get from Boston to Fort Collins? Did they find out what you did?

My daughter moved out here for grad school, then got married out here and had a baby. So we didn't want to be 2,000 miles away. Oh, sure. That's great. And what do you, as a Boston guy, what do you think of the mountains? Wicked cool. Wicked cool. Well, Steve, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction.

Bill, what is Steve's topic? The wilderness gone wild. We've all been trapped inside for so long, we forget that our windows aren't just screens playing videos of trees and streets. This week, our panelists are going to tell you about a new outdoor attraction that's waiting for you as soon as you feel safe to go out of your house. Pick the real one, and you'll win our prize, the Weight Waiter of your choice, on your voicemail. You ready to play?

Yes, sir. All right, let's do it. First, let's hear from Joel Kim Booster. For years, dog owners have enjoyed the freedom and revelry that comes with taking their dogs to the dog park. But what about cat owners? Well, if you live in the small Lake Michigan bordering town of Duns Hill, Michigan, you could find yourself at the newest cat attraction, the Duns Hill Community Cat Beach. It was created this spring after Duns Hill selectmen gave in after years of lobbying by one citizen, Linda Ridgway, who says she doesn't identify as a cat lady, but prefers female cat lover.

Now cats and their owners can enjoy a quarter mile stretch of Lake Michigan Beach with all the amenities a cat might want. Trees to climb, permanently installed boxes to climb into, and fake faces to knock over. And of course, a cat wading pool. Unfortunately, opening day did not go as planned. Four missing cats, dozens of cat scratch injuries, and countless angry, wet cats later, the experiment seemed to be a failure. But Ridgeway was not deterred. Sitting with her cat Phineas enjoying the lakeshore from inside his carrier, she admitted it's been an adjustment, speaking of her feline companion. He's never been much of an outdoor cat before this, and he definitely hates the water, but he seems to be getting used to it.

Phineas could only add a few low, guttural mules. A cat beach, perhaps the first ever in Michigan. Your next story of the great outdoors comes from Roxanne Roberts. The owners of Waterworld had a problem. The state of South Carolina allowed people to go outside, but not in the attractions of their water park outside of Charleston. Since the park is only open from May through September, the loss of revenue would have likely bankrupt the family-owned business.

But then John Fortas had an epiphany. What if he replaced the water with hand sanitizer? With a go-ahead from the State Department of Health, the attractions are open thanks to an antibacterial mix of surplus sanitizer and distilled water, reports the Associated Press. The lazy river is now full and lazier than ever because of the viscous nature of the mixture causes it to flow slower. because of the viscous nature of the mixture causes it to flow slower. The slip and slide, on the other hand, is now a thrill ride, shooting small children down a 45-degree incline like bottle rockets. Fortis said business is booming because it's the only place moms feel safe to bring their kids, and he may keep the new format.

Quote, kids still pee in the pool, but no one worries about germs anymore. A water park that got back into business by filling all its rides with hand sanitizer. Your last story of the Outer Limits comes from Tom Papa. Looking for fun this summer? Well, look no further than the newest park on the Oregon coast that will give you a whale of a time, the Exploding Whale Memorial Park. Why is the park named the Exploding Whale? Because this is where, in 1970, the state of Oregon decided to blow a 45-foot, 8-ton whale to smithereens. This is big-time fun. The whale had washed ashore near Florence, Oregon. It was big, it was smelly, and it had to be removed.

And being this was a time when the country was making terrible decisions, Oregon apparently didn't want to be left out. Rather than haul it out to sea or dissect the whale, state officials decided it would be better to stuff it full of dynamite, whale, state officials decided it would be better to stuff it full of dynamite, blow it up, and let the seagulls, crabs, and hungry teenagers feed on the smaller bits. As one reporter stated, who doesn't like bite-sized blubber? What could possibly go wrong? Well, the whale was literally blown to bits, causing tiny chunks to rain down on spectators like a ticker tape parade through a tuna factory. It was gross, it was dumb, and it was somewhat ineffective. But 50 years later,

when residents were asked what they should name the park along Rhododendron Drive, this escapade provided one obvious answer. Exploding Whale Memorial Park. All right, then. Here are your choices. You're making travel plans, okay? You want to take a little break. And so where can you go? Can you go to a cat beach

on the shores of Lake Michigan in Michigan? That's from Joel Kim Booster. From Roxanne Roberts, can you go to a water park in South Carolina that has replaced the water with hand sanitizer for extra special safety? Or from Tom Papa, can you go to Exploding Whale Memorial Park in Oregon and contemplate the ocean in the memory of an exploding whale? Which of these is the real destination?

Well, I really want it to be number two because I think all the mouthfuls of sanitizer kids could get we could find out if that internal thing actually worked that's a good point i'll go with sanitizer because i hope the heck they didn't blow up a whale all right you're gonna go with hand sanitizer do that in boston you're gonna go with a hand sanitizer filled water park Alright well to bring you the correct answer We actually spoke to the mayor of the town Where this attraction is located It wasn't on my list of the top three that I voted for

But Exploding Whale Memorial Park That's a great name That was Joe Henry the mayor of Florence, Oregon Where you can now visit the Exploding Whale Memorial Park. I'm sorry, Steve, but it turns out Tom had the real answer. You did not win. You did earn a point for Roxanne. And believe me, she is grateful.

Steve, thank you so much for playing. That was wicked, Pisser. and now the game where we talk to really well-informed people about things they have never actually cared to inform themselves about it's called not my job there are a lot of people with a lot of serious problems right now but can we take a second and spare just a thought for the bats? They get blamed for COVID, not to mention vampires. So in order to speak for the bats, we've invited an international expert on them. He's also an expert on parasites and being on TV,

which are not related at all. Dan Riskin, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, great to be here. Now, great to have you. We appreciate this. What are your qualifications as a bat expert? Well, I really like them. I did my PhD on vampire bats, and I've studied bats all over the world,

and I'm kind of famous for being the guy that put vampire bats on a treadmill. So if that doesn't get me free credit, I don't know what to do. treadmill. So if that doesn't get me free cred, I don't know what to do. I have so many questions, but why did you put vampire bats on a treadmill? Well, so most bats are really bad on the ground. If you take a normal bat and you put it on the ground, it just flaps its wings and gets back in the air. But vampire bats land on the ground. They sneak up on a sleeping cow. They drink its blood and then they take off and fly away. And so they walk really, really well. And so I was curious to know whether these bats, which have secondarily evolved the ability to walk well, walk the way other animals do. And so I put them on a treadmill

like you do for a biomechanics study, and I recorded them with a high-speed camera while they walked at different speeds. But when I sped the treadmill up, they switched to this running gate, and nobody knew they had that. And so this was my great big discovery is that vampire bats could run. Were the bats grateful for the workout or did they try to attack you and drink your blood? We had one escape in the room. And I'll tell you, and look at you and how it would try to get around you. Vampire bats look into your eye. They see through your soul. And they are way smarter than dogs.

And so they're doing calculations. They're taking off. They're zipping around the room. It's very hard to catch a vampire bat. You only made them faster, Dan, by giving them so much exercise. I've unleashed an evil I wasn't ready for. I want to go back to bat basics because I like bats a lot. But primarily, I don't know a lot about them. I think they're just adorable.

And I also know they come from itsy bitsy to very, very big. Well, you're right. Bats are really diverse. I think that's really what makes me interested in them now is that there are more than 1,400 different species. And the smallest one weighs less than a penny. The biggest one has a six foot wingspan and there's a whole range of bats in between. But the thing that got me started was I was in high school and I picked up a book on bats and it talked about their genitals. And when I was in high school, I figured out that I could

get away with reading about obscure animal genitals and mating habits and how big their parts were. And I thought it was hilarious because I had a high school sense of humor. And it turns out that a lot of scientists have the same sense of humor that I did when I was in high school. You were pretty popular in high school then, Dan? Not popular. I was desperate in high school too, but I wasn't that desperate. Wait, you're not asking the important question.

Is there something unusual about bat genitals? Well, I don't know. I can't speak for everyone on the panel, but it's different for me for sure. So these bats, some of the males. Mine don't have fangs either. Good thing this is radio. Some of these bats, they can weigh like a huge percentage of their body weight. It's really impressive.

It was funny in high school, and it's still funny now. Okay, hold on, hold on. No, we have to get back to the news because one of the reasons we wanted to have you on the show was just to ask, are bats in fact the cause for this global pandemic? They've been blamed for it. Is that unfair? Well, it's a great question. And so the virus seems to have come from a wild animal, and it's looking very likely that that wild animal was a bat. But it's not the bat's fault. So all kinds of animals all have different viruses, and these viruses all have the potential to jump from one species to another.

And it's just bad luck that we have a receptor on our cells that's very similar to the receptor that's on these bat cells. And if the bats were alone in the woods in their pristine ecosystems and they weren't coming into contact with people, there would have been no problem. And so it's a time when we have to really embrace bat conservation and the conservation of wild animals and keep wild places wild so that we're not coming into contact with wild viruses. Or we could just have the bats wear masks. It's tricky because they echolocate. So that would really mess up with their call structure. That's true.

Do bats not, like even vampire bats, don't attack humans? I wish I could say that, but technically they do sometimes. That's the thing. That's the scariest thing he's talking about. He's talking about how cute it is and all these great attributes. All I can think of is the one sneaking up on the cow and sucking its blood. Of course, they're horrifying. Roxanne loves these bats.

No, these are horrible creatures. Also, he told us he taught them to run. My God, we are in deep trouble. Has a bat ever bitten you? Oh, yeah. Well, sure. I mean, I catch the bats and I'm working with the bats them to run my god we are in deep trouble has a bat ever bitten you uh oh yeah well sure i mean i catch the bats and i'm working with the bats and they don't like being caught by a giant human and so they they bite in self-defense if you have been bitten by a vampire bat are you yourself now a bat are you going to turn into a bat now i wish he's a bat dan's a bat. Dan's a bat. This guy shows up on our show talking all nice about, he's a bat.

I'm playing for the other team, clearly. No wonder you're such an enthusiast. That's why we should lend bats money. So you're an expert on bats, I know, but I understand you're also an expert on parasites. Yeah, I worked for about eight years on a TV show on Animal Planet about parasites called Monsters Inside Me. And so, you know, it started out, I had my PhD on vampire bats, which technically are parasites because they feed on blood. Can you tell us about a particularly gross parasite you've had some experience with? Well, sure. I mean, out of all the parasites.

His name was Brayden and he was my ex and I wasn't talking to you, Joel. Fortunately, I've not had any interactions with Brayden, but I have had a bot fly. So I was in Belize and I got a mosquito bite. And unbeknownst to me, when the mosquito bit me, it dropped off this egg, which then molted into a larva. And then the larva went down into the hole that the mosquito had made. And then it started growing. And so I got back to Canada, where I lived, and I got this mosquito bite on top of my head,

and it starts growing. And anyway, I don't know what Brayden's like, but I felt like that was pretty good. I have a last question, Dan. Roxanne, can I ask, is the question, how are we ever going to sleep again? Well, Dan Riskin, we've invited you here to play a game

we're calling All the Flavor of Guano with None of the Calories. You're an expert on bats, but if you spell bat backwards, you get tab, a vaguely disgusting soda we were shocked to learn is still being made. Oh, God. We're going to ask you three questions about that diet cola, get two right, and you win our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, God. We're going to ask you three questions about that Diet Cola. Get two right and you win

our prize for one of our listeners. Bill, who is Dan playing for? Sam Trotter of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Alright, here is your first question. When Tab was created, some at the Coca-Cola company were skeptical. Which of these is a real quote from one of Coca-Cola's ad people

in the 1960s? Is it A, quote, if God had wanted Coca-Cola to have saccharin in it, he would have made it that way in the first place? B, quote, this is unfit to wash my dog with, and I hate my dog. Or C, this will be popular until the mid-'80s tops, but by the time a young Bill Clinton takes office in 1993, it will have been replaced by other beverages. I'm going to go with B.

No, actually, it was A. If God had wanted Coca-Cola to have saccharin in it, he would have made it that way in the first place. I guess this guy was not quite clear on where Coca-Cola actually comes from. Oh boy. Oh boy. All right. That's okay. You still have two more chances.

Don't worry about it. Here we go. Next question. In 1992, Coca-Cola debuted Tab Clear and the company's chief marketing officer said they had a very specific goal for it. What was the mission of Tab Clear? A, to set the stage for their next product, Tab Clearasil. B, to make a drink so unliked and unpopular it would kill off Pepsi's similar product, Pepsi Clear, by association. Or C, to, quote, finally defeat water once and for all.

It's got to be C. You really think that they were trying to defeat water? That was their goal? You know what? I just remembered that when I said C, I meant to say B. That's right. They tried to kill off Pepsi's similar product,

Pepsi Clear, just by association, and it worked. Pepsi Clear is no more. Last question. If you get this right, you win. Tab's name came about when they had a computer randomly generate words for them to choose from. There were other contenders. Which of these was almost the name of Tab?

Was it A, Abzu, B, Zap, or C, Zuff? Zap. You're right. Zap is correct. But so was Abzu and Zuff. They were all names considered for the product that became Tab. Bill, how did Dan do? So smart! He's two out of three

means he's a winner. That means you get to go back home before midnight. Hey Dan, before we let you go, I want to ask you one more thing, which is that, you know, bats have always had a problem with their reputation, and it's only gotten worse. What is one thing you could say to our listeners right now that would make them love bats? Google a wrinkle-faced bat and tell me that's not

a cute animal. Hey, Dan, for your next little experiment, can you try putting the bats on little teeny tiny little Peloton bikes, maybe? I think I will. I think I will. Dan Riskin is an evolutionary biologist and bat expert. His book, Mother Nature is Trying to Kill You, is available anywhere books are sold. Dan Riskin, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thanks for having me. Thank you. In just a minute, we're no bozos in our listener limerick challenge game.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, Tom Papa, and Joel Kim Booster. And here again is your host, a man who writes love letters to his hand sanitizer in iambic pentameter, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill shines bright like a limon in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us

a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888- 924-8924. Now it is time for a game we like to call The Viral Load. Coronavirus news comes out faster than Donald Trump runs that last 10 feet of ramp. Momentum!

We're going to ask you some questions about it rapid fire style. Get it right, you get a point. You ready to play? I guess. You bet. Here we go, guys. Roxanne, true or false? A Jacksonville woman says she regrets going out to celebrate the end of lockdown with 15 friends

after five of them tested positive for coronavirus. False. Right, all 15 of them tested positive, plus the woman herself. Tom, true or false, a new UK guide for staying safe while visiting others' homes advises men to pee sitting down. False. No, that's true. Joel, true or false, the NBA's new 113-page rules for conduct as they open up their season explicitly prohibits players from sharing jockstraps. False. Right. They prohibit players from sharing snorkels. I guess the game has changed since the last time I watched it.

Roxanne, true or false? Due to coronavirus concerns, 7-Eleven is canceling free Slurpee Day this year. False. True. Joel, true or false? CNN referred to Donald Trump's claims about coronavirus as a lie. False. Right.

They said it's, quote, the opposite of true. Roxanne, true or the opposite of true. A butcher in Australia gave a man a massive bag of meat he didn't ask for because he thought the man, quote, looked corona-y and could use the protein. I'm going to say true. No, false. He just handed him a big bag of meat because he couldn't understand what the man was ordering with his mask on. Tom, true or false? New York was criticized for unveiling a new anti-coronavirus slogan with grammatical errors. True. No, false.

They were criticized because the slogan spells out the word slut. New York, smart, loving, united, tough. Joel, true or false? It was reported that many Canadians are marking the passage of time by counting the bears taking over their cities. False. Right, they're marking the passage of time by looking at the length of Justin Trudeau's hair. We would do this in America, but our leader's hair strangely never seems to change. Hmm.

Now it's time for some more questions from the rest of this week's news. Joel, there's a new AI technology for your phone. It's not a game you can play or even an app to talk to other people. This app is your very own what? Conscience. No. Although Lord knows some of us could use it. It's an app that is not for communicating with other people.

No. But it is your very own... God, what don't they have? That's what I'm... Some of the people who use it don't have a lot of other people to communicate with, so they get this. Oh, Imaginary Friend. Yes, exactly! It's an app that will act as your best friend. Friendships we know are hard,

especially ones with real people with needs and feelings. But you can forget human friends with the new AI best friend technology called chatbot. It's assists with isolation and loneliness by texting you out of the blue, like an actual friend will. And more than half a million people have downloaded it during social isolation. Now the free version is just a good friend. But this is true, you can pay $10 a month extra for it to get romantic oh my

god yes Joel love is the ultimate in app purchase can you pay extra to have the app talk about you behind your back to your other friends to your other imaginer to your other devices oh that's the caddy

upgrade Alexa's in the corner I don't like her either other imaginer to your other devices. Oh, that's the caddy upgrade. Alexa's in the corner. I don't like her either. Tom, there's been a lot of businesses going under during the pandemic, but one is thriving. It's an app called Globe that allows people to rent a space to do what? Dance. No.

Sleep. No. I. No. I'll give you a hint. Normally, you accomplish this by going to work. To leave your house. To get away from what? Your family. Yes, to get away from your family.

Well, that's obvious. Yes. Well, is your family driving you nuts during the lockdown? No problem. You put away your noise-canceling headphones and open up your family-canceling app. Globe was started as a way for people to rent out quiet spaces if they need a moment to relax, sort of like Airbnb but by the hour, but now people don't need to relax, they need to get the hell away from their beloved spouses before something snaps. So they rent a space and sneak off for a while. It's like having

an illicit affair with yourself. Is there, for those of us who live alone already, is there some sort of exchange program where I could rent a space to go and spend time with a beloved spouse? That would be really helpful. Well, you can pay $10 to that other app. That would be close. That's true.

That's true. Sometimes I feel like I am better off alone. Time to turn off all the lights and disconnect the phone. Spider webs entangle me. You're not around, I'm worry-free. Anyone with eyes can see I'm better off alone. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org.

And if you want more Wait, Wait in Your Week, all you have to do is check out the Wait, Wait quiz on your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home. It's just like our show, only now you have to work harder. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Dawn Connell from Suffolk, Virginia. Where is Suffolk? I'm not sure I know where it is. Well, it's on the coast, about 45 minutes from Virginia Beach. Oh, nice. I've been to Virginia Beach. What do you do there?

Well, I'm actually getting ready to go back into teaching. I took two years off as an English teacher, and I'm headed back into whatever the classroom looks like this fall. Oh, wow. So I've got great timing. Well, good luck, Dawn. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Bill Curtis right now is going to read you three news-related limericks

with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you will be a winner. Ready to play? Yes. Here is your first limerick. My mask makes my own oils attack me. Skin can't breathe and my pores pay me back, see. When my chin is mask-free, it's a spotty goatee. It has made me break out in bed. Maskne. Very good.

You know, the answer technically was acne, but we were going to get to maskne, so I'm giving it to you. You know what it is. I do. You do know what it is. We read about it in the New York Times because, of course, we were never beset by such problems with clear skin like we have. But this is maskne. But this is maskne, as you say. It's acne that's caused by wearing a mask, like everybody's supposed to be doing right now,

except those of us who were smart enough to soak our masks in Accutane before putting them on. The acne is caused, you see, by the excess sweat and oil that gets trapped against your skin. But don't worry, there's an easy solution. If you get unsightly blemishes, just cover them with a mask. All right, here is your next limerick. Disinfect the balloons. Wipe them down. Make the face mask a smile, not a frown.

Keep the children at bay at least six feet away. These and more are the rules for a... Clown. Exactly. Right on. Very good. She. Right on. Very good. She is right on. This week,

the LA Times asked the question you hadn't realized you did not care about in an article called How Do Clowns Survive the Pandemic? It detailed the adjustments that clowns are making

to adapt to the post-lockdown world. Clowns' whole thing is interacting with the crowd, so the pandemic is a real challenge for them as opposed to mimes who are each safe

in their own invisible box. I should specify this story is about party clowns, not murder clowns. Have you guys spared a thought during this entire three-month experience for how the clowns will be faring? There's one industry I was not concerned about, unfortunately. You're not getting any of the press. This is the first article I've read. I've read about restaurants, the theater, of course, but nobody seems to care for the clowns. You know, unlike bats, I've never cared much for clowns.

I will say my brother-in-law is a birthday party pirate, so sort of a rival of a clown, and he's been doing a lot of stuff on Zoom, which is, you know, sad. Not fun. Like, arg is, you know, sad. Not fun. Like, argh, am I muted? All right, very good, Don. Here is your last limerick.

Slip it on, snap the crotch. There, I'm dunsy. With pants or without, it's quite funsy. It covers my belly. Unsnaps when I'm smelly. For men, here's a functional... Onesie. Very good, Don. You know this. Good news for weird adults.

There are now onesies, that is the universal infant garment that unsnaps at the bottom for ease of changing. But these are for grown men. Onesies are the perfect clothing item for when you wish your shirt touched your crotch. It's a polo shirt on top and sort of a, you know, this classic onesie bottom. So, or if you like upstairs, it's all business. Downstairs, it's all baby. It's kind of cute, but it's a slippery slope to grown men demanding to be carried around

in a baby Bjorn. I look incredible in a onesie. I have to say. I look amazing. Yes. I have to, I mean, I'm spending time with some babies of late. I have a new niece, and I've never looked at her in her onesie and said, oh, I wish I could wear one of those. Bill, how did Dawn do?

With a perfect score, Dawn must be a star of the classroom. Congratulations. Well done, Dawn. Thank you. Congratulations, and good luck as you go back to school. Thanks, Peter. Bye-bye, Dawn. Bye.

Now it's time for our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? I sure can. We have Tom at three points, Rocks has four, and get this, wait for it, Joel has six points. All right, Tom, you're in third place. You're up first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, 20 Indian soldiers were killed during a border dispute with blank. China.

Right. On Tuesday, Albuquerque announced that in place of police, they would use social workers to respond to some blank calls. China, right? Domestic calls? I'm going to give it to you as 911 calls, but you know what you were saying. Quaker Foods announced they'd be changing the name of blank just 131 years too late. Aunt Jemima, right? On Wednesday, tennis star Blank said she'd be willing to play in the U.S. Open despite concerns about the virus. Uh, Serena. Right. Police in Austria are defending their arrest and fining a man for blanking. Farting.

Yes, for farting at them, quote, with full intent, unquote. According to Austrian police, the man stood up, looked officers right in the eyes, and, quote, let go of a massive intestinal wind, apparently with full intent. Now he's being fined $500 for offending public decency. Not so nice when we fire the tear gas at you, eh, cops? Bill, how did Tom do? Tom got five right for ten more points. He now has 13 and takes over the lead. All right. Yes, first time has 13 and takes over the lead. All right.

Yes, first time I've ever been in the lead. Enjoy it for exactly one minute because here comes Roxanne. Here we go, Roxanne. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, the Chinese capital of blank closed schools as a new outbreak of coronavirus continued to spread. Beijing. Right. On Tuesday, PG&E pled guilty to 84 counts of manslaughter stemming from deaths caused by wildfires in blank.

California. Right. This week, Senate Republicans unveiled their blank reform bill. Their police reform bill. Right. After complaints from customers and staff, blank reversed the decision banning baristas from wearing Black Lives Matter apparel. Starbucks. Right. This week, park rangers in Dublin warned people not to take selfies with a friendly heron because it may blank. Starbucks. Because it might kiss them. No, because it might stab their eyes out with its beak. On Thursday, Dr. Fauci warned fans that blank may not return this year.

The NFL. Right. On Tuesday, Jimmy Kimmel was announced as the host for the 2020 Blank Awards in September. Emmys. Right. Saying it can relieve somemel was announced as the host for the 2020 Blank Awards in September. Emmys. Right. Saying it can relieve some of the pressure from a first date. Some people are skipping Tinder and opting for online blank instead. Uh, online sex. Well, you're close. Online nude speed dating. Just like traditional speed dating, people gather in a bar and rotate through a series of three-minute dates.

But unlike traditional speed dating, that guy in the corner is supposed to be naked. Many attendees prefer it this way. They've moved it online during the pandemic, saying instead of the same old boring conversations like how many siblings do you have, you can discuss more interesting topics like, hey, is that an appendectomy scar? Let's get our nudist friend back on the phone and see what he says.

Bill, how did Roxanne do? Don't bend her wiles. Roxanne had six right. Twelve more points. She now has sixteen. And the lead. All right. Well, you have the lead as we expected,

but how many then does Joel need to finally take her down? I'm going to blow it. I'm going to choke. Joel only needs five to win. All right, Joel. You can do this. Here we go. This is for the game.

On Monday, the FDA revoked approval of anti-malarial drug hydroxychloroquine to treat blank. COVID-19. Right. According to a new national poll, blank has expanded his lead over President Trump. Biden. Right. This week, blank announced a new racial diversity merit badge. The Boy Scouts of America.

Right. In a sign of rising tensions, North Korea demolished the liaison office it shares with blank. South Korea. Right. This week, Ford announced it would debut the new Ford Bronco on July 9th, which also happens to be blank. Bronco Appreciation Day. No, it happens to be O.J. Simpson's birthday. On Wednesday, Reed Hastings, the CEO of blank, announced a $120 million donation to historically black colleges.

Dell. Netflix. Less than a week after shuttering all their stores, window covering chain Next Day Blinds was mysteriously replaced by blank. Um, a curtain store. Three Day Blinds. Next Day Blinds had been in the DC area for over 30 years before the pandemic forced it to shutter their locations.

But only a few days later, most of them reopened as Three Day Blinds, a California-based company that's been in business since the 80s. It's just like the legend of the phoenix rising from the ashes to become a fatter, slower phoenix. Bill, did Joel do well enough to win? Well, he got four right for eight more points. He now has 14. Close, but no cigar. I knew I'd choke. 16 points. Roxanne is this week's champion.

In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be the next big ruling from the Supreme Court. Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman.

Our house manager is Deanna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our email employee of the month is Peter Gwynn.

Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Lorna White. Our email employee of the month is Peter Gwynn. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike. We love you, Dan Forth. Now, panel, what will be the next big ruling from SCOTUS? Joel Kim Booster. It is now illegal to leave your read receipts on and not respond to me.

I know you're not busy. Roxanne Roberts. In a landmark ruling, the court will decide it's illegal for any political tell-all to steal Hamilton lyrics for the title. And Tom Papa. Bats are given the right to vote. And if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Tom Papa, Roxanne Roberts, and Joel Kim Booster.

Thanks to all of you for making it through another week and getting to the weekend to spend some time with us. We're grateful. I'm Peter Sagal, and we will see you next week. This is NPR.