Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Desus Nice and The Kid Mero

Episode Date: March 13, 2021

Desus Nice and The Kid Mero from Showtime's Desus and Mero, play our Not My Job game. They join panelists Maz Jobrani, Karen Chee and Josh Gondelman, as well as Host Peter Sagal and Official Judge and Scorekeeper Bill Kurtis.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm your area of interest. I'm your Billy Wick, Bill Curtis. And here's your host, the man who just took off his baby Bjorn for the first time this week, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. And as always, we like to remind you, the audience sounds you hear are fake, but the jokes they're not laughing at are real. Later on, we're going to be talking to Desus and Mero, who a few years ago were hanging out in a Bronx bodega and cracking jokes, and are now hosts of a hit late night TV show. Among other things, they're known for drinking during their tapings, which we find inspiring.

But you're always in demand. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, my name is Jen Thompson. Hey, Jen, where are you calling from?

I am calling from Arlington, Massachusetts. Arlington? Yeah. Arlington? Arlington. I know Arlington. I used to spend a lot of time in Belmont. I used to work there, guy, at the church that's across from the Whole Foods.

I used to be a food master. You kidding me? I'll tell you what. I used to be there all day long on Mass Ave. Yeah, guy. Yeah. I'm sorry. Is there anybody else here or Josh and I just going to do this?

I thought that was Mark Wahlberg. He sounds like Mark Wahlberg. Jennifer, what do you do there? I am a public health researcher. A public health researcher. That sounds both fascinating and very relevant. What exactly does that mean? We look for adverse events associated with prescription drugs and devices that are already on the market. Oh, so you try to find out if anything bad is happening to people who are trying to get better. Exactly. Oh, I figured it out. Well, Jennifer, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer and co-executive producer for Desus and Mero in Showtime, as well

as the host of the podcast Make My Day. It's Stoneham's own Josh Gondelman. Hello, Peter. It's so nice to see you. Next, his new stand-up special, Pandemic Warrior, is available for streaming on Peacock TV. His podcast is Back to School with Maz Jobrani. I gave it away. It's Maz Jobrani. Hey, good to be here, Peter. And making her debut on our panel, a comedian and writer for Late Night with Seth Meyers, it's Karen Chee. Yay!

Hi! Jennifer, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. Are you ready to go? I was born ready.

Oh, that's the attitude. All right. Here is your first quote. You can probably hug grandma again. That was the website Ars Technica summing up new guidance from the CDC this week about what you can do after you do what? After you've been vaccinated. Exactly right. The CDC issues new guidance for what we can and can't do once we're vaccinated. For example,

vaccinated grandparents can meet with their unvaccinated children. Vaccinated people can hang out with each other. It's all very exciting for grandparents everywhere. Kind of awkward for Harry and Meghan. Once we're all vaccinated and everybody can get together and come on over can the cdc release guidelines that everybody has to leave my house at 9 30 are you are you guys excited to start seeing your relatives did you say did you say the website was ars technica like ours it's latin it's latin maz don't get excited okay technical technical but ars gratis artist in his arts arts, it's arts, arts. Okay. Here's the thing. I don't have any living grandparents, so I feel like the CDC should assign me an old person to kiss.

Really? I just want that excitement. It doesn't seem fair that you don't have, like, some overbearing person who's desperate to see you. There must be some old person without grandkids that I could pair up with, like, an old fin. Is that what that word is? I am upset at the, I have a lot of conservative friends. There was a lot of conservative Persians in Beverly Hills who originally said the thing was a hoax. Really?

Yeah. As soon as it came out, as soon as the vaccine came out, they all pulled this, one of these like, oh, I'm a medical worker. Yeah. Oh, really? You own a shoe store yeah but you know uh once in a while i uh i give people band-aids that qualifies me whatever it was well in in new york where i live you can if your bmi is over a certain number you're eligible

based on obesity and the number is like kind of low and now i know what my big quarantine project has been all along. I didn't realize what I was doing. Yeah, I was getting fit for the vaccine. It's like the end of the movie where you don't know where the guy's been carrying the bullet the whole time. And then it's right there when he needs it. All in my gut. Yeah.

The bullet goes straight to my gut. It turns out that new spare tire saved his life. Anyway. Your next quote is somebody defending himself and his relatives. We are very much not a racist family. Whose racist family was he defending? The British royal family. The British royal family, indeed.

There was more fallout from the blockbuster Meghan and Harry interview with Oprah this week. As you heard, Prince William said, of course the royal family isn't racist. No, they judge people on the content of their character and their bloodline going back at least 10 generations. The American Kennel Club is less concerned with breeding than these people. This is true. I don't know if you know this. Shortly after the interview, the royal family's Instagram feed started featuring pictures of Prince Charles with people of color. That's true. Of course, they didn't really have any of those ready to go, so they just posted the negatives of the pictures they already had. Are you serious? Did they really start posting pictures of Prince Charles?

They really did. Oh, look. Wow. I just want to let the royal family know that if they want, you know, another person of color in their photos, I'm available. And I would love the attention. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah. Now, we've spent the last two weeks talking about how miserable it was for Meghan Markle to live in the royal family.

And you're like, nope, sign me up. I'm your gal. Is that your attitude? You still want to do it? I'm specifically there for the Instagram likes. And then I'm out. I'm not getting married to anybody. I'm not gal. Is that your attitude? You still want to do it? I'm specifically there for the Instagram likes, and then I'm out. I'm not getting married to anybody. I'm not living there. You're not trying to get a PhD in the royal family, but you will appear on the brochure.

Yes, exactly. I also think you can't say our family isn't racist, right? You have to wait until someone else says that for that to hold any water. And that other person can't be Piers Morgan. Those are my rules. Now, the only one who's not on the defense in the royal family is Prince Andrew, who's like, yes, we're racists. Let's focus on that. Prince Andrew is like, please focus on all the colonies of the other islands, not my activities on Little St. James Island. All right. Here is your last quote. It's from White House spokesperson Jen Psaki, and she was trying to diffuse a scandal that unfolded this week. He was surprised by an unfamiliar person and reacted in a way that resulted in a minor injury to the individual.

Psaki was putting a positive spin on the bloody crime committed by whom? By Major Biden. By Major Biden, who is, of course, the Biden's dog. It's been a huge cover-up. First, they said there was a biting incident. People were like, well, who could it be? Can't be the president. His teeth are only decorative.

Might be Pete Buttigieg. I know he's teething. But then it came out. It was Major Biden, the president. His teeth are only decorative. Might be Pete Buttigieg. I know he's teething. But then it came out. It was Major Biden, the president's dog. But so many questions remain. Did he bite a Secret Service agent? How bad was it? Was Major provoked?

It all boiled down to what did the president's dog gnaw and when did he gnaw it? Oh, Peter. That one was rough like i i think they they they sent um they sent major back to delaware right but i'm not going to be happy until he resigns from the board of that ukrainian energy company you know this was like a serious incident because the president tried to cover it up by passing a nearly $2 trillion relief bill just to distract everybody. It really was the most unnerving, biting incident at the White House since every time Trump tried to drink from a bottle of water.

Bill, how did Jennifer do in our quiz? I hope she's glad that she came because she got a perfect score. Well, congratulations, Jennifer. Oh, thank you so much. And good luck in Arlington. Thank you, Jennifer. Take care. Thanks, you too. Right now, panel, some time for you to answer some questions about this week's news.

some questions about this week's news. Karen, a new study from a Harvard University psychologist finds that human beings are very, very bad at knowing when to do what? Use the bathroom. No, we're actually pretty good at that. Is this a problem you've been having? Yeah, I guess that's just a me thing. I just sort of save it all up for, you know, one hour of the day. No, not that. Okay. Human beings are really bad at knowing when to eat.

Now, all I can say is, Karen, is that you live your life with a lot more freedom than I do. These are things you can choose when you're going to do them. It's that or I have too little freedom. Okay, let me, I'll give you a hint. Well, anyway, let me tell you more about this dream I have. When you are allowed to quote Martin Luther King Jr. for saying some beautiful things. You know, I think I can understand why you're having such a hard time with this

because it's been at least a year since you've been to a party. That is true. Yes. Is that also a hint? Which means human beings are really, really bad at knowing when to stop doing what? Telling a story. Yes. People are really bad at knowing when they should just stop talking to the person they're talking to. The study tested it by having people talk to each other and then asking them later when they wished that conversation had ended.

And it turns out that a given conversation on average lasts 50% longer than either participant wants it to. The finding was called, quote, astounding by one researcher who has never been to a party. I wonder if they did this study with kids and their parents, the kids would have been like, as soon as he said, let me tell you, just stop them. Stop them. Have you guys had, you must have had this experience. It's like talking to a stranger, usually at a party. And you're like talking to them and talking to them. And you're like, I really don't want to be talking to this person anymore. It turns out, according to this study, that person is very much likely saying the same thing to himself or herself. So you can say, you know, hey, both of us would rather be someplace

else. Am I right? And the apart is friends. That's like getting the advice, bears are exactly as afraid of you as you are. Exactly. So don't confuse the two advice. Don't like try to get out of a conversation at a parter by making yourself bigger or punching it in the nose. It's not going to help. Should I climb a tree? We just can't face defeat. It's the longest goodbye. It's goodbye. One foot out the door. The pool. Coming up, we are the champions in our bluff elicitor game called 1-triple-8-wait-wait-to-play.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. of what's happening, like what the case about George Floyd's killing means for the ongoing fight for racial justice, or how to best navigate a pandemic that's changed life for all of us. All of that in 15 minutes every weekday. Listen now to Consider This from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Maz Jobrani, Karen Chee, and Josh Gundelman. And here again is your host. You know him from, well, what I introduced him 10 minutes ago, Peter Zagel. Thank you, Bill.

Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, this is Roy from Oregon. How are you? I'm fine, Roy. How are you? I'm wonderful.

It's sunny here, which is a new thing for us. Yes. What do you do there? I'm the Director of Public Relations for Lewis and Clark College in Portland. Lewis and Clark College. I know it well. Have you guys been all remote this last year with your students? No, actually, we've been in person with sort of hybrid options for faculty and students. Oh, yeah. And have you been on campus or have you been at home?

No, I've been sequestering myself. Right, I understand. Well, Roy, it's nice to have you on the show. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Roy's topic? Go sports! Oh, perfect. Being a fan isn't just about the basic stuff like cheering and wearing team colors and slashing the tires of the other team's bus. This week, we read about somebody who went above and beyond for their team. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win our prize, the weight weighter of your choice on your voicemail. You ready to play? Oh, I was born to play. First, let's hear from Josh Gondelman. So we've all heard about basketball teams going on a hot streak.

But what about their fans? That's exactly what Miami Heat supporters Milton, Morton, Martin, and Miguel, all age 78, have done for years. The Fort Lauderdale residents chose to withhold their last names because they are all still practicing dermatologists. But since the Heat entered the NBA in 1988, this quartet had, until recently, enjoyed every road game by listening on the radio while sitting in a local steam room, a tradition they called a listen and a schwitzen. Because of the advanced age of the foursome, a two and a half hour steam isn't just relaxing. It also dehydrates the men to the point of hallucination that is not unlike the experience of taking magic mushrooms.

It allows them to not only feel like they're at the game, but as if they're part of a singular consciousness playing in the games as well. Although their families suspect at this point, their excursions aren't as much about basketball at all. These guys just like tripping their fully nude butts off. I once saw the face of God in Milton's chest hair, said Morton, kind of proving that point. Now that they're fully vaccinated, the four friends are back at the bathhouse cheering their team on, and emblazoned across their newly printed custom towels is the name of their clique, the Miami Humidity. Four old men who fits to the heat in Miami. Your next story of an extreme aficionado comes from Karen Chee. Greta Park, an eccentric 88-year-old woman living in Millbrae, California,

has been a fan of the Millbrae Shakers her whole life. The Shakers are, of course, the legendary local foosball team and running champion of the Northern California Foosball League. But as you probably know, foosball requires players to be right up next to each other and it's just not COVID safe. So after months of missing the game, Greta took action. She purchased a local private park, paid a team of developers to create a soccer field size version of a foosball table complete with mannequins on long rods. And now Park hosts a game every weekend with actual human players standing far apart wearing masks, running back and forth between giant knobs. They say, quote, it's so nice to do this outside. And quote, I liked foosball better when it wasn't exercise.

Greta's giant creation can only be described as the most dystopian soccer game you've ever seen. A foosball fan creates a life-size table so that it can be played with social distance. Your last story of a sports superfan comes from Maz Jobrani. Some fans show up early to games

to watch their favorite players warm up. Other fans wait after the game in hopes of getting an autograph. But one fan moved into the stadium. That's the story of Tom Garvey, resident of a concession stand in left field at the Vet Stadium in Philadelphia from 1979 to 1981. Garvey was working as a parking supervisor

when the Pope visited the stadium. And at the end of the day, everybody was so tired and a little drunk, they just slept in an empty concession stand. The next day, one of his friends said to Garvey, oh man, could you imagine if you could just stay here all the time? Turns out, he could. He furnished the stand slash apartment with furniture from an Eagles player who was traded away and a carpet made of leftover astroturf from the field and moved in. He would have halftime parties with his buddies and after

parties with the players. Sometimes he smoked dope in the dugouts and roller skated around the empty concourse after everybody had left. His favorite thing to do, though, was wander out during a game late into the night in his bathrobe and a cup of coffee. Where did he get the coffee? People would ask. He never told. Okay. One of these is the true story of extreme sports fandom we read in the news this week. Was it from Josh Gondelman, the Miami humidity, four men who like to get together, schvitz, and hallucinate while listening to Miami Heat games? From Karen,

a woman who loved foosball so much she created a life-size table in a park so they could play it while staying at a safe distance. Or from Maz, a man who loved the veteran stadium in Philly so much he moved into it for three years.

Which of these was the real story we found in the news? I truly wish all of them could be true because I love all of them so much. But I'm going to go with Maz Jobrani's story. You're going to go with Maz Jobrani's story of the guy who lived in Veterans Stadium. All right. Well, we spoke to a person at the center of this story. An opportunity came up for me to live inside the stadium.

And I did this for about two years and three months. That was Thomas Garvey, the man who lived in Veterans Stadium. Oh, Veterans Stadium and recently wrote a book, Secret Apartment, about his experience. Congratulations, Roy. You got it right. You're in Depoy for Moz. You've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Amazing. What an honor. Thank you so much for letting me play. The honor was ours. Thanks so much. All right. Take care. Bye. All right. Take care. Bye. for a podcast called The Bodega Boys, which was basically the most fun street corner in the universe. Now they are in the third season of their late-night talk show, Desus and Mera, on Showtime.

They have a new book out, God Level Knowledge Darts. Desus and Mera, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thanks for having us. BX in the building. Get you ready for some chaos? Yep. Yes!

We'll be ready for you. Let's go. You know, one of my first questions was, are you guys like you are on the show in real life and i think i now know the answer yeah yeah a lot of people a lot of people have this problem because sometimes we'll do like a 7 a.m talk show we'll do an 8 a.m talk show and people are like how do you possibly have this amount of energy and the truth is it's a lot of cocaine yeah did i get your origin story right because i mean your your rise was extremely

rapid but my understanding is it started on twitter you guys had twitter accounts and people were like yeah these guys are great it was like a reconnection via twitter it was like like the craigslist ads like i saw you on the train you were wearing a blue hat you were listening to french montana let's connect It's amazing that two people on Twitter actually got along and created this thing. Because usually when you find someone that's opinionated, you just start cussing each other out. You know what? We had similar

opinions. And also, we both extremely hated our jobs at a time when it was alright for you to tweet verbatim how much you hated your job. So I created whole characters that I worked with and people were just logging in because it was like what's going on with keisha your your co-workers people who knew who my co-workers were dating and mero was going through the same thing so we were

just back going back and forth about who hates their job more mero what were you what were you doing when all this started i was working at a school at a junior high school that i attended shout out to junior high school 117 bxX Stand Up. It is what is referred to in the DOE as a high-need school, which means you might get stabbed if you're a member of the faculty. I was the only male

paraprofessional in the school, and I was like six feet tall. So they put me in the class that was just like, yo, these dudes are about to age out of here, and they're all in gangs. So please just help the teacher not get murked by them and we'll be fine. And I used to take 30-minute bathroom breaks and be like, yo, I'm going to the bathroom

and just sit in there and tweet. And then I got caught by the principal and I made up this whole elaborate lie about how I was pre-writing tweets and sending them to my manager and having him tweet them out during the day. And then it all came to an end when it was just like I was on the cover of the New York Times Arts and Culture section or something like that. And the assistant principal walks in.

This is Irish dude, John Skelly. He walks in. He's like, the Kid Mero, huh? The Kid Mero. Well, the Kid Mero Is actually Mr. Martinez And you need to get your ass in the room Because it's 8.05 Whoa

And I was like okay I was like alright You're tweeting You're blowing up on Twitter You're on the cover of like New York Times Arts section And his only reaction was You need to be in the classroom

Yeah He was like I don't give a shit That you're in the New York Times You need to get over there Because it's the kid throwing a desk You need to get over there because it's the kid throwing a desk. You need to be the authority figure marrow right now. The adult marrow. Not the kid marrow anymore.

No more the kid marrow. You're the adult marrow. We're never going to get through your whole career, but you went from the tweeting to the podcast to the show. Now you're on Showtime. Showtime? I've been watching you guys for a while. You seem to really like each other. Is that real?

Or is it like a Cisco? It's like, you ever see when they do the boy bands? Yeah. It's like that. Scooter Braun put us together. I'll go even further. Like, everything about the show is fake. Josh is not funny in real life.

Josh is mean. Nah, we like each other because you know what it is? Because we started at the same just when we first started the podcast we had to literally share a metro card to get home so once you have that and then we our experiences we've had experiences that bond you for life we got banned from the vmas because i sat on a pregnant kim kardashian and it's so fun like we still every day every now and then we'll look at each other we're laughing like can you believe we get paid to do this? This is wild.

Okay. A couple things I want to circle back on. You sat on a pregnant Kim Kardashian at the VMA. Yes, he did. Sorry, Saint. Yeah. So, let me tell you this. So, we go to the VMAs.

Yeah. This is the first time ever we've ever been invited to anything like this in life. Stop. Wait a minute. Before you start. Key to the note. People don't know this the vmas are open bar we didn't know this so we thought we thought we had a pregame so we had a limo we took the limo to a convenience store and we just got like liquor so now we're at we're on the we're at the vmas we are sourced up we take a picture with the limo driver we're scaring people we're so excited to be there

and like you know we it hasn't dawned on us we're on tv as well so all we're doing is just pointing at people like yo vanessa hodges yo oh wow that's beyonce i mean oh that's rita aura all right whatever so we're just running around and we're just bothering everybody you can see they're just like who are these two everyone's like who are these two people why are they talking to everybody and we're not talking to them like hey hey, do we work on a project together? We're going to, hey, Jaden Smith. And they're like, yo, we're trying to record. We're trying to record.

And because, you know, we're a little out there, a little drunk, a little smizzy, I see this got to be like seven feet four tall Russian guy talking down to my guy Mero. You know when you're like a little intoxicated, everything, everything is hazy and you don't really hear anything? I'm just like, oh, you trying to fight my bronze brother? I'll let Mero take it from you. So I see Kanye West and I'm like, this is it. This is our opportunity to get a photo

with Kanye West. So I'm just like, hey, I'm like, yo, Kanye, what up? Yo, big fan, you know what I'm saying? Just keep talking, hoping that he's like, do I know you? Like, whatever. Then, like yo big fan you know i'm saying like just keep talking like hoping that he's like do i do i know you like whatever then like these are said zangie from street fighter 2 stands in front of me he's like uh my friend you cannot come any closer to kanye west you cannot come but your boy had had you know a little you know a little springsteen juice you know what i'm saying

please fill me uh i was i got very bold you know what i'm saying and i i grew to his height magically and i was like nah if kanye doesn't want to take a picture with me and my man jesus i want him to tell me that not you and then he's just and then kanye's just like i don't know if it's like out of pity or what he's just like he's like all right man come over here come over yes so then we go over there he makes no if it's out of pity or what. He's just like, all right, man, come over here. Come over here. So then we go over there. He makes no effort to get out of his seat. And so we have to crouch down to take the photo. So as I'm crouching down, I back into a pregnant Kim who's sitting there.

Because I did not realize she's tiny. She is tiny in real life. Yes. So then I back into her. And I guess she's like, Kanye. She's in that nasally voice. And Kanye turns to me and says the greatest quote and I want this on my gravestone when I go home. She goes

watch out for my wife dog. That's amazing. That's amazing. And they banned you. They were like thanks for coming. You can't come back. They're like these guys are nuts. Well, Desus and Mero I have a feeling we really could talk to you

all day but we have in fact some business to do. We have asked you here to play a feeling we really could talk to you all day, but we have, in fact, some business to do. We have asked you here to play a game that we're calling... Knowledge Darts? Try These Darts. So you've got a book out called God-Level Knowledge Darts. We thought we'd ask about real darts, the game, you know, that we play for fun, the Brits play seriously, and everybody plays drunk. So you've got to answer two out of three questions correctly. Do that, you win our prize. That's the voice of anyone they might like on our show on their voicemail.

So, Bill, who are Desus and Mero playing for? Sarah Long of New York, New York. There you go. Okay. Here we go. Here's my first question. In the 1920s, a researcher from Johns Hopkins made a revolutionary discovery about the game of darts. What is it?

A, an ancient cave painting in France is really a dartboard making it the world's oldest sport. B, they discovered that men don't actually enjoy darts, they just enjoy explaining the rules of darts to women. Or C, the drunker you are, the better you shoot. Hmm. Oof.

I want to say C, but I feel like A is probably correct. Yeah. I mean, in my reality, my real life, it's C. Definitely. But for the purposes of this game, I'm going to go with A.

You're going to put aside your instincts to choose C and you're going to go for A. Should we go to a breakout room for this or should we just go A? Yeah, you know what? We're going for A. We're going with A.

You're going to go for A. We're going to go with A. I tried to talk you out of it. It's C. It's the drunker you are, the better you shoot darts. Yeah. That is true because

when you get drunk and you do bowling, you get better at bowling. But all my ex-girlfriends disagree. So, I mean, we have to see. We have to see. All right. You got two more chances here. This is not a problem.

Okay. As you know, in England, darts, hugely competitive sport, very serious people watching on TV. And controversy hit the 2018 Grand Slam of darts in England with both players in the final match, accused the other player of doing what? A, farting constantly to ruin the other's game, B, muttering miss, miss, miss, miss under their breath, or C, using tiny motors on their darts to make them fly faster. Let me see.

What do you think, Amirul? I think... We really blew it on the first question. We can't do it. Yeah, I know. And I feel like the more ridiculous the answer is, the more right it is. Yeah.

So I'm tempted to go with the farting. I think a flat-shoulder is good. We're going with the fart. We're going with the farting. Of course it was farting. That's what happened. They both said, the other guy farted so much they were distracted.

One said to the other, it'll take me two nights to lose this smell from my nose. But was he farting on purpose, or did he have Chipotle or something before? The accusation was he was doing that, he was making it very hard to play because I was so distracted by the stink and then they each denied it. One guy said, look, I'll tell you, you know me.

Professional dart players look and act exactly as you would expect professional dart players to do. Oh yeah, I have a vision in my head. Every dart tournament ends with, oh, I'm late to pick up my kids. I got them this weekend. Oh, my God. All right. You got one more question here.

So, believe it or not, there is an enthusiastic population of blind darts players, some of whom are pretty good. Britain, in fact, has a team entirely made up of blind players of darts. What is the team name? A. The Three Mice, B. We Apologize in Advance, or C. The Optimists.

Optimists is big Monty Python energy. How do you feel, Mero? Uh, yeah. No, I agree. You're right. That's the one. The Optimists. Optimists is big Monty Python energy. How do you feel, Mero? Yeah, no, I agree. You're right. That's the one, the Optimists. You just nailed that. Bill, how did Desus and Mero do in our quiz?

They did get two out of three. That means they are winners. Champions. That's right. Season three of Desus and Mero is on Showtime now. Their book is God Level Knowledge Darts, Desus and Mero. Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. Thanks for having us. Thank you.

Thank you, man. Later, y'all. In just a minute, limericks are a part of your complete breakfast. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Ariel Waldman spent weeks peering into the Antarctic ice through her microscope.

It's really brimming with life. It's just that most of it is invisible to us. Traveling through the looking glass. That's on the TED Radio Hour from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Karen Chee, Josh Godelman, and Maz Jobrani.

And here again is your host, a man who just took a bite of sandwich. So let me extend this intro a bit so, well, he has time to finish it. Okay, he's done. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill reveals his favorite cat from Cats is Rhyme Tum Tugger in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Maz, a woman in New York was surprised when she looked behind her bathroom mirror and found what?

Is it a camera? No. That would be creepy. Can I get a hint? Yeah, she's going to need more furniture. Oh, she's, it's a bigger, it's a, it's, it's another room. It's another house. It's another apartment.

That's exactly right. When a New York woman felt cold air blowing out of her mirror, she had to investigate it. And she documented the whole thing on TikTok. First, she discovered a huge gaping hole, which she decided to crawl through. And on the other side of the hole was a whole other vacant apartment. Score. Oh, your apartment has a lot of closet space. My apartment has a lot of other apartment space. If you watch the video, there's a moment where she's like, I have to go in. I have to go into this hole. And if you're watching, you're like, don't go into that. What are you doing? Why would you do that? Other apartment

is best case scenario, right? You crawl into a hole behind your mirror. You're praying it's other apartment and not just like a rat cave. Portal to another dimension filled with monsters. She really lucked out. Maz, please listen to legendary newscaster Bill Curtis. Fart, boobies, arse. Those are just a few of the words that may

soon be banned from what game? You said fart, boobies, and arse? That's what he said. Is it from Scrabble? Yes, Scrabble! The makers of Scrabble say they will be removing a series of offensive words causing some players to

protest, but the real question is why would you even play boobies when bazongas is worth so many more points? The list of offensive words includes several British English words like wrinklies and ghoulies, neither of which we are going to Google. But isn't boobie okay in the United Kingdom? I mean, there it just means policeman. Can you do boobie trap? No, those are called bras. Kazing, Miss Chi.

I'm logging off. No, Karen, so much more show. It turns out that like there are Scrabble players and there is a very devoted international community of competitive Scrabble players, believe it or not. And they're very upset by this. They don't like having words taken away. They think it's unnecessary. What they really want is a new offensive term just for scrabble something that scores a lot of points you jack quiz user look i am i try to be very understanding about regulation and about new rules and new social mores going forward but as you read this

story i did feel myself going right wing like you can pry my Scrabble tiles from my cold, dead hands if you think you could stop me from playing Fart. Coming up, it's lightning fell in the blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. Also, check out our Wait Wait Instagram on Instagram, featuring the antics of our incredible intern, Emma. I-Y-K-Y-K. Emma promises me that means something. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, my name is Lauren Potts and I'm from Long Beach, California. Long Beach, California. I lived briefly in Long Beach, California and Belmont Shore. What do you do there? I'm a tattoo artist. Oh, how awesome. Yeah. How many people are coming out of the pandemic or, I guess, approaching the end of the pandemic, really wanting a tattoo? Hordes of them. I mean, lots and lots.

Yeah, yeah. I feel like with the vaccine, this is like a big time for needles. So people are like, just you go get one and then you go right to the tattoo parlor because you're on a roll. Yeah, you might as well. Well, Lauren, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly and two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play? I was born ready.

I love this. I love the attitude. Here is your first limerick. My sheets are as crisp as they get, and there's no signs of mold as of yet. Before laundry's complete, I just take out the sheets, and I make up my bed while they're... Wet. Yes, wet, according to a viral video on TikTok, which now apparently rules our lives. If you want your bed sheets to be extra crisp, you should put them on when they're still wet. You'll get that clean hotel bed look with the feel of spooning with a dead body. The theory is,

you put your sheets in the dryer for about five minutes, just five minutes, and then you put your warm, damp sheets in the bed to air dry the rest of the way. That way, when your friends compliment you on how crisp and clean your bed looks, you say, thank you. I wet the bed. This feels like a prank that Generation Z is playing on us all.

Oh, we got to drink that kombucha stuff. What you got next, you know? So wait, wait. So I'm going to take it out almost dry, put it on the bed. No, you're going to take it out while it's damp. While it's damp. And I'm going to go ahead and put it on the bed. I'm going to fit everything, and I'm going to walk away for a few hours.

Right. And then you're going to come back, and it will have dried in a lovely, crisp, clean-feeling way. I'm going to try this, Peter. And if I get in that bed and it feels cold and wet, I'm going to call you, and I'm going to complain. Look, it's not me. It's the lady on TikTok. Do not talk to me about it. This is wild because my favorite part of laundry is when you're done and everything is drying, you just take it out and immediately like throw it over yourself and you're just showered in warm clothing.

Do we all know what I'm talking about? Wait a minute. So you do your laundry. Your laundry is now clean and warm. Yes, yes, yes. And you pick it up and you throw it up in the air so it lands on you? Yes, yes. You kind of Scrooge McDuck the laundry.

Yeah. Yes, yes. Doesn't that mean you just threw your clean laundry on the floor and now you need to wash it again? Well, my floors are impeccably clean. Of course. Here is your next limerick. As my bellies reach terminal girth, I make playlists for all that I'm worth. As I head into labor, it's Coldplay I favor.

They're the best group to help me give birth. Yes! Ed Sheeran, The Beatles, and Coldplay are top-end playlists that women play during childbirth. This is all according to a recent Spotify analysis, or rather birth canalysis. The list

makes perfect sense. Crank up the Coldplay and your baby is like, okay, I'm out of here. Other artists on the list include Elton John and Adele, but come on, it could be anything. The only purpose of listening to music is to drown out your partner's pathetic attempts to help you. The number six most popular song that women listen to while giving birth is Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles, closely followed by the B-side, and here comes the daughter. It's twins. Papa was a rolling stone.

It's all about the dad leaving. Maybe you're a dart player. You never know. All right, here is your last limerick. What's in cereal? Let's just inspect this. Too much sugar? That seems rather reckless.

Those sweet, crunchy flakes are my day's first mistake. So instead, I'll eat pizza for... Breakfast. Yes, pizza for breakfast, according to an actual accredited nutritionist. Pizza is a better breakfast option than most cereals. This is crazy. I always thought I was choosing the most nutritious breakfast option while eating my mini chocolate chip waffles with marshmallow cereal. According to a nutritionist, pizza has the same number of calories as a serving of cereal and milk but it's much lower in sugar

higher in protein and it's 900 easier to eat while walking down the street drunk this has got a sting over at kellogg's you just got beat in a health contest by the food you have to dab with a napkin to get the grease off of this i feel like this is a wrap for cereal right like yeah once you know that pizza's got it on every front no one's ever been like googling like oh is a wrap for cereal, right? Like, once you know that, pizza's got it on every front. No one's ever been like Googling like, oh, where's the best cereal in the city? You know what I mean? All the cereal I had was seeming better for you for breakfast than cold pizza. Yeah, nobody's ever arguing like, yeah, the cereal from my city is much better than the cereal from yours.

Like, Chicago style cereal, it's great. It's just a pound of cheese with milk board on it. I would love if that was the fight between small suburbs, big cities get pizza and small suburbs, like little town gets the best cereal. You haven't had frosted flakes till you've had frosted flakes in Duluth. Now, wait a minute. I happen to be from Shaker Heights, and our frosted flakes are second to none. Are you kidding me? There's no flake. It's all frost. Have you ever had thin crust frosted flakes?

The best. Bill, how did Lauren do? I went to see the tattoo for three in a row. Lauren, victory. Congratulations. Yay. Thank you so much. Yay! Well done. You were great. Take care, and thanks so much for playing. Thank you. Bye.

Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Josh has two, Karen has two, and Maz has three. Whoa. Can Josh and I team up to take over Maz? Yeah, can we start with four? All right.

Since Josh and Karen are tied, I will arbitrarily choose Josh to go first. Josh, fill in the blank. On Wednesday, President Biden announced a plan to tour the country to promote the newly passed blank plan. Corona recovery stimulus? On Thursday, the Attorney General of Texas threatened to sue Austin if that city did not lift its blank mandate. Mask? Yes. This week, the governor of Arkansas signed a near total ban on blank.

Abortion? Right. On Tuesday, the IOC announced that it was barring foreign spectators from attending the Olympics in blank. Japan? Yeah, Tokyo, to celebrate the triumph of the COVID vaccine, a confectioner in Hungary has created blank. COVID-shaped cookies? No, chocolate Easter bunnies holding chocolate hypodermic needles.

According to a new report, new blank claims rose less than expected. Unemployment? Yeah. On Monday, workers at a blank warehouse in Alabama opened a vote on whether to unionize. Amazon. Right. In a video that went viral this week, two pigeons in a New York subway were caught blanking. They were mating, but it looked like they were competing for a mate, but it looked like they were pushing them onto the subway tracks.

No, Josh. They were pushing them onto the subway tracks. Don't give me that alibi. I don't care. I don't care what those pigeon mob lawyers told you. But I'm actually, so you, Josh, have heard that what they've said now is no, they weren't trying to kill that third bird. It was merely a mating,

what would you say, like a fight over mating that just happened in the wrong place? I feel like that's worse. This is like dating as a woman, if you're trying to date straight men. You have options, but one of them may murder you. Bill, how did Josh do in our quiz?

He's hot tonight. Josh had seven right for 14 more points. He now has 16 and believe. That was well done. All right, Karen, you are up next. Fill in the blank, Karen. On Tuesday, a sixth woman accused New York Governor Blank of inappropriate conduct. New York Governor Blank. Oh conduct. New York Governor Blank.

Oh, Andrew Cuomo. Yes. I was like, yes, that's true. On Monday, Missouri Senator Blank became the latest Republican to announce that they would not run for re-election in 2022. Roy Blank? Oh, give it to you. You're so close. It's Roy Blunt.

Not our Roy Blunt. This week, the White House ordered 100 million more doses of the Johnson & Johnson blank. Vaccine. Right. On Thursday, SpaceX launched another 60 blanks into orbit. Satellites? Yes. A man in Florida was arrested this week after pulling out blank when police asked him for his ID.

Oh, no. His a**. No. Okay. Phew. Sorry. No. Although that's funny because that was another Florida man in the news and we decided not to use that one for fear of offending our new young friend, Karen. We didn't want to give her the wrong idea about what kind of show this was.

We'll just go for the guy who pulled out his bag of, quote, dank gummies. On Thursday, officials in Russia and China announced joint plans to build a research station on the blank. The moon, the moon. The moon, the moon. On Tuesday, it was announced that former First Lady Blank would be inducted into the National Women's Hall of Fame. Michelle Obama? Yes, this week a zoo in China faced backlash after visitors noticed that the wolf in their enclosure was blank. Uh, dead. No, it was actually a dog.

Now, there are a lot of dogs you could pass off as wolves, huskies, malamutes. There is a breed that is literally called wolf dog. But for some reason, the zoo in China decided to use a Rottweiler. Now, after getting caught, the zoo quickly explained the dog was only a temporary replacement. The wolf had died. And they directed angry visitors to the zoo's world-famous pigeon exhibit. I mean, penguin exhibit. Penguin exhibit.

Bill, how did Karen do on our quiz? Well, as a rookie, she's doing terrific. Karen had six right for 12 more points, total of 14. But Josh still has the lead with 16. How many, then, does Maz need to win this thing? Seven to win. All right, Maz. I don't know about this, but I'll give it a shot.

Here we go. This is for the game, fill in the blank. On Monday, the RNC rejected a cease and desist order from blank, demanding they stop using his image in their fundraising. Trump. Yes. On Wednesday, the Senate confirmed blank as our new Attorney General. Merrick Garland. Right.

This week, Brazil overtook the U.S. as the nation with the most blank cases. Coronavirus. Right. On Tuesday, a judge ruled that the so-called QAnon shaman involved in the attack on the blank must remain in jail until his trial. Oh, on the Capitol. Right. On Thursday, a judge reinstated an additional third-degree murder charge for Derek Chauvin,

the officer accused of killing blank. George Floyd. Yes. On Wednesday, lawmakers in Mexico approved a bill to legalize blank. George Floyd. Marijuana. He set up a water park. No, he attached it to his kid's bunk bed. The giant playground slide was missing for over two months before an anonymous tip led them to the man's home, where they found it attached to his son's bunk bed. The man was arrested, but as they drove him away, you could hear from the back of the cop car,

Whee! Do you know who I am? I'm the National Darts Champion! Bill, did Maz do well enough to win? He did very well. Six right for 12 more points. Total of 15. That means with 16, Josh is the week's champion.

Wow. Amazing. Josh, you did great. Thank you. I feel good. Just an honor again to play with Maz and Karen. Oh, how sweet. That was so nice. In just a minute Just an honor again to play with Maz and Karen. Oh, how sweet. That was so nice.

In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be the next bit of guidance for life that we get from the CDC. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. Doug Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Choi.

Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Our bodega boy is Peter Gwynn. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse.

Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the next piece of life advice we get from the CDC? Josh Gondelman. Even if you're eating an apple a day, you should probably still get that yearly physical. Karen Chee. When you're walking through an entrance or an exit, please don't hold a door open for the next person if they're more than six feet behind you.

And Maz Jobrani. The CDC will tell us that you actually can pick your friend's nose. If any of that happens, boy, we're going to ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Josh Gondelman, Maz Jobrani, and Karen Chee. Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Peterrani, and Karen Chee. Thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Peter Sagal, and we will see you next week. This is NPR.