Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Don Cheadle

Episode Date: June 27, 2020

Don Cheadle, actor, joins us along with panelists Mo Rocca, Faith Salie, and Hari Kondabolu.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Forget about Chuck E. Cheese, put your quarters in me, and play Ski Bill. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host coming to you from the happy place he escapes to in his mind, Peter Sagal. happy place he escapes to in his mind. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill, and thanks to our fake audience who this week are a group who, despite their best efforts, failed to bring Tinkerbell back to life at a community theater production of Peter Pan. But first, if you've been waiting for that second wave of the coronavirus to hit later this year, well, we have good news. It's already here. They released the sequel while the original was still in theaters and in restaurants and bars and stores.

COVID-19 Part 2 is sure to be the blockbuster hit of the summer. Early reviews say it takes your breath away. Later on, we're going to be talking to Don Cheadle, who starred in the movies Oceans 11 through 42, plus the series Black Monday. But first, we want to hear what wave you're surfing right now. The number to call and play our games is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, I'm Sue Decato from Tega Cay, South Carolina. Hi, Sue. How are you? Doing great. How are you doing? I'm doing fine. You're from, you say, Tega Cay? Right. It's two words.

It's a Polynesian, means like beautiful place or the good life. Why is there a town in South Carolina named with a Polynesian word? Don't ask me. I'm not one of the first residents, but that's what they did. And I heard that when they first sold the lots, they gave everybody a trip to Hawaii. Really? Not just a... Yes, it's a great place to live. Oh, well, I'm glad to hear it.

Well, Sue, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a writer and comedian who stars in the Netflix stand-up special, Warn Your Relatives. It's Hari Kondabolu. Hello. Good to be here. Next, a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning and host of the new podcast Real Good, premiering July 1st, wherever you listen to podcasts. It's Faith Saley. Hey, Sue. Hey, Faith. And a correspondent for CBS Sunday Morning and author of the New York

Times bestselling Mobituaries, Great Lives Worth Reliving. It's Mo Rocca. Hi, Sue. Hello. Well, welcome to the show, Sue. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. You knew that. Bill Curtis is going to read for you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. Are you ready to go? I am ready. Here is your first quote. Take it down. Take it down. That was a crowd in Georgia chanting for something to be removed last week. What? It has to be a Confederate monument. That's exactly right. One of many Confederate statues. Protesters all over the country have been tearing down statues of Confederate soldiers. But the real question is, why were these statues put up to begin with? Those guys lost the war. This isn't how it's supposed to work. Haven't they watched the

Super Bowl? You're supposed to send the losing statues to foreign countries who need them. That's why people in Tsarist Russia got t-shirts that read Robert E. Lee, Civil War champion. I kind of sympathize with these people that support their Confederate statues and their Confederate flags. You know, I sympathize with them because I'm a Mets fan. You know, so I also know what it's like to lose to the Yankees. So now they're going to take down the Teddy Roosevelt statue that is outside the American Museum of Natural History. And just this week I was having breakfast in Central Park with my kids, and I was telling them to say goodbye to this statue,

which there's a problem with the composition, right? He's being flanked by a Native American and someone who appears to be African. I believe the phrase was noble savage faith. So there you go. Yeah. And the thing is, the three men in this statue, I know this is bad to say, they're so handsome. And two out of the three of them are in a state of undress, but it's a really nice looking statue. I don't want to fat shame Teddy Roosevelt, but if they redid that statue with Teddy with a shirt off, I feel like it helps people of color.

The thing about Teddy Roosevelt is that's not fat. He's actually what's called a muscle bear, which is different. That's different. That's different. The problem is. I'm telling you, if Teddy went to Bear Week in P-Town, he would be a big hit. The problem is statues are like... Wasn't he part of the Rough Riders?

There you go. The Rough Riders. It's both a historical unit and an interesting bar in Greenwich Village. Now, many people are suggesting that we replace these problematic statues with genuine heroes like, and I'm serious, Dolly Parton. Yeah, just wait 100 years when they find out that Dolly only worked nine to four. Alright, Sue, your next quote is from the New York Times. The nightly booms, bangs,

and fizzles have intensified. What is making these nightly noises and driving people to New York and other cities crazy? The homegrown fireworks. Exactly right! All the fireworks going off. From cities and towns across the country, fireworks are going off all the time.

Really big fireworks. It's like we're stuck in a never-ending grand finale, but it's for America. People are going insane. Dogs are running under beds to hide and whimper every night and finding their owners already there. Has this been driving you guys crazy? Because we've been having a terrible time here in Chicago. No, no. I mean, I live above a Spanish restaurant, so I just assumed there were canastas. Meanwhile, Macy's, the department store chain, has decided to lend a

hand instead of their annual fireworks display, which would attract big crowds in an unsafe way during the pandemic. They say, and this is true, they'll do surprise fireworks displays all over New York so people can spontaneously enjoy them. So people can spontaneously have PTSD. Exactly. People are like, you know, yes, who looks around the world and says, you know what we really need right now? Some surprise IEDs. That'd be what we need. Also, depending on the neighborhood you're in in New York, you might get those spontaneous explosions anyway.

That's absolutely the case. Because of the violence! Alright, Sue, your last quote is a new rule for America's favorite pastime. No licking hands! That's just one of the new rules proposed as they bring back what sport

safely? That would be baseball. You're right sport safely? That would be baseball. You're right, Sue. It would be baseball. Baseball is coming back for the 60-game season. It's great news for fans of baseball who will finally get to see some action and great news for non-baseball fans because, hey, there's only 60 games. According to the current plan, the games will start up towards the end of July with special rules. Both leagues will use a DH and extra innings will begin with a runner already on second base. Other t-ball rules being used will require each team to sing a cheer for the other team at the end of the game. 2, 4, 6, 8, what do we appreciate? The income from our TV deal.

I love some of the rules they've announced. They need the players not to spit. Yes. Right? But it's totally okay to like rearrange your crotch. Yes, it is true that one of the things they've said is that players need to handle their own balls. So at least that won't change. No, the main thing is you can touch your crotch, but just don't touch your face right afterwards.

But you're right, Faith. There's no spitting in the field. No sharing things like rosin bags or pine tar rags or steroid needles. The Yankees will still suck, but they will have to cover their mouths when they do so. And the Houston Astros have to disinfect

the trash cans every time they bang on them. Will you be able to tag someone out? I was wondering about that. Can you reach down and touch them or do you just have to say, gotcha? Not it. But are the games going to still be too long? Have you fixed that problem? No, no, they're going to fix that. Of course, people love what they love about baseball.

You might be wondering if you'll be able to go see it. It's unclear. Some stadiums are talking about limiting it to just 25% capacity, which means that each individual Boston Red Sox fan will have to be four times as racist. Bill, how did Sue do on our quiz? She got us started off right with three right answers. Good going, Sue. Congratulations, Sue, and stay safe and healthy, please. You too. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. healthy please thank you thank you bye-bye bye-bye right now panel it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news mo hollywood is finally allowing filming to resume this week but there are new rules among them actors are being instructed to do what as little as possible while filming well Well, Peter, before I answer, can I share some personal news with everyone? You may, Mo.

Earlier today, I had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. It's what's known in TV as a two-camera shoot. And that's why I sound a little groggy because of the camera

they put down my throat. Yeah. But as for the prep for the colonoscopy i just feel like i could fly like i feel so just i feel like nuriav like i feel like i could just like just leap across sixth avenue i know now it was interesting you had them both at once do the cameras meet in the middle and sort of start filming each other that would that would be a union violation i understand but you're doing the show today then, Mo, still on colonoscopy drugs, which is interesting. Yeah, no, I know. It's interesting. It can be part of a question based on some sort of research

later on, like in a few weeks. Wait, Mo, your voice does sound a little scratchy. You have like a little Dr. Fauci kind of scratchiness Oh, good. I like that. I like that. Good, okay. I've got some Fauci going on, yeah. All right.

Are you ready to answer a question, though, Mo? I appreciate the warning that you've been scooped. Oh, sure. I just wanted to, I thought this would be a special wait-wait moment.

Mo, Hollywood is finally allowing filming to resume this week, but there are new rules. Among them, actors are being instructed to do what? As little as possible while filming? Exhale on each other?

Look at each other? You're so close. People tend to exhale on each other when they're doing what? Talking. Yes, talking. Yes, actors, not only are you supposed to stay eight feet apart from the other actors

in your scenes, you are to remain, quote, as silent as possible to avoid spreading droplets through talking. Can't wait for the Braveheart remake where he just emails the troops, subject line, re, our freedom, they cannot take it. Scenes with crowds are discouraged, and audiences can be no more than 25% filled. Finally, they can make that movie about your improv shows. And of course, no sex scenes or even making out.

They're just going to go back to the 50s right before two actors shake hands. They fade to black and leave it to your imagination. Wait, they can't do a sex scene with a mask? No, they can't do a sex scene with a mask. That seems sexier to me. You don't think that's sexier? Eyes wide shut. Here we go into Hari's deep, deep dark desires.

Nobody wants a sex scene with a mask. Eyes wide shut. I think it would be a great sitcom. Thank you. Coming up, our panelists extend their brands in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Hari Kondabolu, Mo Rocca, and Faith Saley. And here again is your host, a man who wouldn't be caught dead in any mask that wasn't at least an N-99, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Stephen Vitabile calling from Ballot Kidwood, Pennsylvania, just outside Philadelphia. Oh, yeah, I know Ballackinwood. It's out in the main line, right?

Isn't Ballackinwood, isn't it like a Welsh name with, like, no vowels in it? There are maybe two vowels. Depends on if you count Y a vowel, maybe three or four. I don't count Y a vowel. I just, you know, that's just how I am. Stephen, welcome to the show. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Stephen's topic? Drink a big glass of Peter Sagal milk. Who doesn't love celebrity tie-ins? Air Jordans, Britney Spears perfume, Dr. Fauci scented sanitizer.

Our panelists are going to tell you about a new product bearing the name of somebody famous. Pick the real one. You'll win our prize. The weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. You ready to play? Yes, I am. All right. First, let's hear from Hari Kondabolu. In one of the more surprising branding attempts in the history of rock music,

the legendary heavy metal band Metallica has released their own line of bug-killing sprays, all named after Metallica songs. For ants, it's Seek and Destroy. For moths, it's Fade to Black. For bedbugs, it's Enter Sandman, which they claim keeps bugs asleep forever. And finally, for roaches, it's Master of Roaches, which is a sad play on Master of Puppets. It seems obvious that the band had run out of song names. The poison was created by Metallica fan and chemist Chris Hackney.

After being sprayed, the head of the pest moves back and forth rapidly and then explodes. Hackney said it was awesome to see insects dying in a very metal way. You know, by headbanging. When reached for comment, Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich defended what some would call crass commercialism and selling out. How is this selling out? Death? Destruction? Insects? All consistent with the Metallica brand. He continues, I mean, what does Paul Newman have to do with salad dressing and popcorn? When asked if, like Paul Newman,

all the profits would go to charity, there was a long silence over the phone before Mr. Ulrich said, Hello? Sorry, I think I lost you. Hello? And then hung up. Metallica bug-killing sprays, as offered by the famous metal band. Your next story of bizarro branding

comes from Faith Saley. Millions of us know William Shatner as James T. Kirk, the dashing young captain of the USS Enterprise. But in reality, Shatner is a dashing 89-year-old. And the Star Trek legend is launching himself on a new mission, shilling a line of adult diapers called Star Pants. That's pants with a Z, says Shatner in his first Star Pants ad, which has started to air on cable news networks. And only Shatner could make incontinence briefs this cool. They come in vivid 1960s Star Trek uniform colors, gold, blue, and red, although real Star Trek fans know you have to have a death wish to wear the red ones. There's a Starfleet-inspired triangular symbol on the front that becomes

visible when the diaper is wet. Look, says Shatner unapologetically, I knew this was coming. My name is Destiny, and if you live long and prosper, you're gonna Shatner your pants. Oh, and the diaper slogan? It is, of course, Star Pants. To boldly go. William Shatner branded Star Pants adult diapers. And your last story of an oddball collaboration comes from Mo Rocca. If you've ever hung out with a bunch of deadheads and thought, I'd like to smell like them. Well, take a whiff of this. Grateful Dead deodorant comes in scents like Working Man and Sunshine, which are probably references to dead lyrics, but I don't want to have to go and listen to find out. The deodorant's ingredients, all of them organic, of course, include bergamot, cedarwood, sage, but not

patchouli. Seriously, is this some kind of joke? The label says that all of the ingredients are also edible. Well, that solves the munchies problem. Possible taglines for the Grateful Dead deodorant include strong enough for a man, made for a man who hasn't showered in six weeks, Strong Enough for a Man, Made for a Man Who Hasn't Showered in Six Weeks, or finally, a deodorant that lasts as unbearably long as a Grateful Dead song. Of course, this isn't the first time the dead have inspired an essential household product. Hello? Just for Men, Touch of Grey? As any real deadhead will tell you, Touch of Grey was the band's first truly great song. will tell you Touch of Gray was the band's first truly great song. Now let the hate mail pour in.

All right. You have three choices of new branded products, but only one of them is something you can actually get. Is it from Hari Metallica brand bug killing sprays, so you can kill bugs in a heavy metal style, from Faith William Shatner Star Pants Adult Diapers, or from Mo Rocca Grateful Dead brand deodorants. Which of these is the real branded product? I think it's Mo's Grateful Dead deodorant story.

You do? You think it's that one? Even though there's no patchouli? I do. All right. Well, that's your choice. Well, we spoke to somebody who is actually behind this new product. Significant others, the deadheads, love me right now because they can give them a deodorant that they're actually going to use. That was Nathan Morin, the CEO of North Coast Organics,

maker of Grateful Dead deodorant, and, as he wants to be known, the deodorant king of Chicago. Congratulations, Stephen, you got it right. You earned a point for Mo. You've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Congratulations, Stephen. You got it right. You earned a point. For Mo, you've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you so much for playing, and keep safe. Thanks, all. Take care. Bye-bye.

Bye, Stephen. Another game where we take people who've done everything and ask them to do the one thing they might have overlooked. It's called Not My Job. Don Cheadle is one of those actors who's so good at what he does that you have no idea what he's really like. He's played heroes and villains. He's been hilarious and tragic.

He played both a real man who saved lives in Rwanda and one of Marvel's Avengers, so we're grateful he's giving us a chance to prove that he really is a superhero. Don Cheadle, welcome to Wait, Wait. Thank you so much. I'm a big fan of the show, been a big fan for a long time, so I can't wait to thoroughly embarrass myself on this program. Well, that's an experience that many of our fans want, but I only offer to a select few. I've not even seen a half of what you've done, but I've seen so much, and I could not tell you

what a Don Cheadle part is like, oh, Don Cheadle. He usually plays the do you know? No, I think hopefully a Don Cheadle part is something that you want to see that's interesting and different than the last thing you saw him in. I just always want to keep it interesting. And I came out of California Institute of the Arts and everybody was a character actor. We were involved in comedy, drama, commedia, mime, what have you. Mime?

Well, not in college. In high school, I was in a mime show. But that's a whole story. Wait, hold on. You can't just drop that. You were in a mime troupe in high school? Actually, we did. We performed mime in my drama class. It was one of the things that

we did, and we would put on a show every year. We had a mime show every year that we put on. And it was really... Wait, Don, did you do mime face? Did you put white makeup on your face? I did white face. I'm sorry, guys. Yeah, I know. That's very insensitive, too. I'm going to do my

apology tour right after this. No, no, no, no, no. This is I know. That's very insensitive, too. I'm going to do my apology tour right after this. No, no, no, no, no. This is NPR. We should be apologizing to you for having to do Whiteface. You know what? That's right. Did you do like the classic, oh, I'm in a box, you can't see stuff? Or was it more like dramatic?

Come on, man. You're progressive. The box thing is so passe. That's so 1955, man. Pass that stuff. I wanted to get back to the range of work. I just want to, if people who don't know your work, first of all, shame on you. Secondly, on one end, you starred in Hotel Rwanda, a very serious drama about a genocide.

You were nominated for an Oscar. And you've also done an elaborate sketch about a testicle spa for Funny or Dumb. That's range, my friend. Yeah, man. And of which of those two are you most proud? God, I mean... Which of his two testicles? No! The left one. Oh, that's not

what you meant. Did you have to do a screen testy for that role? Yes, I did. No, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Cheadle was not just a gifted actor. He's a producer. He came up with that bit, if I'm not mistaken. I did.

I did. And I had it in the sack when I went in. It was just like. Man, that must have been a ball to film. It was. It was nuts, man. to film. It was. It was nuts, man.

Probably the biggest project you've been a part of are the Avengers movies. Is it true that you were given like an hour or so to decide if you wanted to be in those movies? Actually, I was at my daughter's laser tag birthday party and they called me and they said, we need to know in an hour. And I said,

oh, I meant my daughter's laser tag birthday party. I said, oh, oh, take two hours. And did you need two hours to think about it? Yeah, for sure. Because I mean, this was at the beginning. Iron Man 2 was really, really early in the pantheon of Avengers movies and the whole Marvel MCU. And it was six movies, which is 12 years, you know? And so, yeah, it took a long, I took the whole two hours. You did, you really considered it. Yeah.

Wait, is laser tag a way to make baseball safer? Because if you tag someone out, you're touching, and that could transmit coronavirus. The best way to do it is mime laser tag, I think. I imagine that as a trained mime, when you were in fact shot by your daughter in laser tag, your death scenes were immensely great. Look, I was only in it for that. I don't, but I'm definitely a fan of death scenes. Oh, yeah. I didn't think about it in that way, but great ideas for that. I don't, but I'm definitely a fan of Death Seats. So I didn't think about it in that way, but great ideas about that. I do want to, before we get to the game, I do want to talk to you about Black Monday, your show on Showtime, which the second season came out. I had no idea

what it was about until I started watching it this week. And then you had less of an idea. Well, your hair is so distracting in Black Monday. It is great. You wear a wig, which is, I hope it's a wig. I don't know. Maybe if you took off your cap right now, it would all pop out. That's why I take eight months off, so that I can actually grow that out and get it right. It takes place in 1986. You play a character who's kind of a black Gordon Gekko.

What would you call this guy? He's amazing. Yeah, I kind of feel like he was the white me. A Gordon Gekko, right? You know, yeah, it's sort of a what if, you know, kind of a reimagination of that time period where there to be a shop like that on the street that had a black trader at its core

and then also had, you know, his number one being a black woman. You know, that place really didn't exist. Just to give people who haven't seen and i the show an idea of of its tone there is a there's a scene where your character um takes his young protege out what's supposed to be like the best night in the town ever and he takes him to see an execution yeah which in context is hilarious. Well, he goes, what do we see? He's like, death of a salesman.

Did they ever pitch anything to you and you were like, no, I cannot do that. Every day. Really? Because the stuff you do on camera is pretty severe. I'm saying the stuff we do is bananas. So you can imagine the stuff that they pitch. I'm like, I'm not saying that. Like, if you want to get in front of the camera, you can make that joke. And they're both Jewish. So they're like, hey, do this Jewish joke. I'm like, I am not doing. You guys can do that. I have to say, having watched a lot of the show,

I cannot imagine what was too tasteless for you to do because the stuff you do. I mean, that's really kind of the concept is like to see how close can we toe the line without stepping over? And sometimes, you know, you put your toes over and you're like, OK, we might get in trouble for that one. But that's the whole point, I think. And it fuels the frenetic energy that that time period was. Yeah. Everybody was on coke. Everybody was on coke. Everybody was going crazy.

And what do you guys use instead of cocaine? Seriously, what is the substance? Sometimes B12, sometimes cornstarch. What is that like? It ain't fun. I'm not going to say that. Can't you just mime it? You are trained.

I offer that. I offer that. But going through the whole makeup, it was just a long time. And being pretty confusing for the audience, I think. I understand. Why is he snorting cocaine isn't there? And why is he doing it inside an invisible box? And why is the cocaine real, but everything else is mime?

I don't understand. Well done, Cheadle. We have asked you here to play a game we're calling... Welcome to Black Friday. You star in Black Monday, so we thought we'd ask you about Black Friday. That's the Friday after Thanksgiving when crowds show up to get a start on Christmas shopping and also maybe do some murders. Answer two out of three questions correctly, you will win our prize.

One of our listeners, Bill, who is Don Cheadle playing for? John Baker of New York City. All right, you ready to do this? Okay, I'm doing my best for you, John. All right, here we go. One of the huge toy fads was the Furby back in the 1990s. During one Black Friday during the Furby craze, which of these once happened in a big box store? A, a woman broke an employee's fingers to get a whole crate of Furbies them is that a woman broke an employee's fingers. Yes, that's the one thing we can count on. I love it. I'm going to say to get one.

To get one. B. No, it was actually to get a ticket to stand in line. I'm going to say it's to get a ticket to stand in line. It's too late. No, apparently they were handing out tickets because you needed a ticket to hold your place in line. And she reached up and she grabbed like an early ticket so hard she broke the employee's fingers. She was asked to leave, did not get a Furby.

All right, this is fine. This is fine. You have two more chances. During the height of Black Friday madness, one Walmart gave employees special training about handling the giant pallets of sale items. What was it? A. In a pinch, flat screen TVs can be used as shields. B. When you hear the bells over the intercom, cut

the plastic and run. Or C. Only use your tranquilizer darts on customers who are not holding expensive items. Wow. I'm going to go with B again. Cut the plastic and run. You're right. That's exactly what he was advised to do because apparently you just didn't want to be between anybody and their TV.

That's smart. I think so. I'm sorry. I'm quite distracted because Mo has taken off his shirt. He took it off about 10 minutes ago, and it was wild. I was focusing on you like a good hostess. I was just seeing his head, but now he's pulled his shoulders into it. Should I save this for Pledge Week?

It's really hot in this room. I'm burning up too, but I'm not disrobing. I've got people in closets, and they're not taking their shirts off. It's just so warm in here. Oh my God. We have all been locked inside too long, I think. Oh my God. All right.

Back to the game. So you've gotten one right with one to go. If you get this, you win. And everybody's happy. One man who started standing in line at a Walmart on Tuesday to get a plasma TV when they went on sale on Black Friday ended up walking away empty-handed. Why?

A, he was actually at a wall shop, Tucson's number one retailer of retaining walls. B, on Wednesday, he decided there was just more to life than, you know, accumulating things. Or C, he hadn't realized there was a different entrance that was much closer to the TV section, and when he got in, they were all gone. It's C for sure.

It is C, Don. That's what happened. Bill, how did Don Cheadle do in our quiz? He won. Two out of three. Very good job. Congratulations. Well done. Don Cheadle is our quick. He won. Two out of three. Very good job. Congratulations. Thank you. Well done. Don Cheadle is a Golden Globe winning actor and the star of Black Monday. Season two is airing right now on Showtime. Thank you so much for being on our show. We are all grateful.

Thank you, guys. This was a lot of fun. Thanks. Bye, Don. Thank you. Thanks again. In just a minute, Bill does kiss and tell in the Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to get all the sordid details.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Faith Saley-Morocca and Hari Kondabolu. And here again is your host, a man who won't cut his fingernails until there's a vaccine, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill enjoys his favorite flick, 101 Rhymations, in our listener limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

But first, it's time for a new segment that we're calling Unnecessary Public Service Announcements. As the nation faces a growing pandemic, Pennsylvania is addressing the real public health issue. This is an official PSA that went out this week from the Department of Health as the pools there reopened. Quote, Don't swim if you have diarrhea.

Now, it does seem that after three months of lockdown, we might have forgotten the basic rules of how to behave in public. So as a service to you, Bill Curtis is going to read for you some reminders about things you might have forgotten about in the last

few months. When leaving the home, wear pants. They're a mask for your legs. Remember to bring a form of payment with you to the grocery store. Those things are not yours yet. When seeing an adorable baby, it's important to say, uchi uchi goo, and not, Why is that person so, so small? Remember, babies are brand new people, not tiny adults. It's exciting to be with other people again, but remember, the toll booth guy does not want to spoon. One more. Just to be safe, do not go swimming in Pennsylvania.

Thank you, Bill. And remember, everybody, when encountering something unusual, when in doubt, don't lick it. Wait, can I just say about the toll booth operator? I thought the words easy pass meant he does want a spoon. And now, panel, some more questions for you from this week's news. Faith, last Saturday night, the president had a campaign rally in Tulsa, which only 6,000 people attended, even though according to his campaign, a million people registered for tickets. The seeming sabotage of the event was blamed on what secretive, well-organized group? TikTok teens.

TikTok teens specifically who are fans of what? Oh, of K-pop. Yes, K-pop fans on TikTok. If you're not a teenager, K-pop fans on TikTok. If you're not a teenager, K-pop is Korean pop music and it has a big fan base here in America. If you are a teenager and are listening to this, I promise you this car ride

will end eventually. I kind of sympathize with Trump because I'm also a stand-up comedian who tours the road. I sympathize because he overshot a little bit. You know what I mean? Like, you got to do a few 500-seat venues,

and that way you can say you sold out six gigs in a row, seven gigs in a row. People don't know how big the sellout is. They just like the word sellout. It's true. Hari, according to a new study, men hurt their chances of getting a date if they own a what? Minivan.

No. I'll give you a hint. It's not enough just to make sure it's nowhere in sight. You have to clear off the empty cans of nine lives from the background, too. Oh, a cat. A cat, yes. A study by Colorado State University shows that men who feature cats in their dating profile photo are less likely to get a date. Authors of the study said, quote, men holding cats were viewed as less masculine and more neurotic.

However, cats holding men were perceived as Simba, the Lion King. You know what I think it is? I think if you're looking even subliminally for clues as to whether a guy is going to be a good father. You can't get that from seeing a dynamic with a cat. You need to see how he treats his mom and you need to see how he treats his dogs. And when you have a cat, isn't there just very little caretaking? Exactly. You don't even have to take them out and pick up their poop.

If you have a baby with that man, he's just going to open up a can of Gerbers, dump it in a bowl, put it on the floor and walk away for the rest of the day. No, you guys are wrong. Cats require a lot of work. You have to constantly prove that you're worth being loved to a cat. You just try your hardest to prove, please love me. Cats just don't seem loyal. I feel like a cat, if it could speak English, would testify against me in court. Dogs, I think, would just pretend they didn't see anything.

A cat, they'd point them right to the body. If it may please the court, I have two requests for the judge. Please put him to death and give me the body. Ew! Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Or you can always click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more Wait, Wait in Your Week, you can check out the Wait, Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday. It has me and Bill asking you questions, all in the comfort of your home and where else are you going to be? It's just like our show, only now we're calling from inside the house. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, how are you? I'm fine. Who's this? My name is Jonathan Zamkoff. Hey, where are you calling from, Jonathan? Beautiful Austin, Texas. I'm glad to hear it. Austin, of course, is one

of my favorite places. What do you do there? I am the head of business development at a video game studio. Video games? Yeah. I love Ms. Pac-Man. It's a great game. It was actually much better love Ms. Pac-Man. It's a great game. It was actually much better than the original Pac-Man. Well, Jonathan, welcome to the show.

Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play? Let's do it. All right, here is your first limerick. Filled with water from hydrant or pumpster, it invites us to dive with a jumpster.

Yeah, having a pool would be pretty cool. We'll make do with this garbage-free... Dumpster. Dumpster, that's right. Philadelphia officials had to release an official statement this week barring people from swimming in dumpsters because somebody did it. It happened at a block party that had a dumpster pool, which one partier said was, quote, the best idea ever,

while another said, does anybody else have this weird full-body rash? Well, hold on. I thought that's what they meant by dumpster diving. No. No. This is a whole new variant on the sport. It is disgusting to swim around in the trash with your friends, but it's nice that humans finally get the chance to get tangled up in six-pack rings. And how fun when your pool noodles are actually somebody else's old noodles.

Ew. Are we talking like a regular-sized dumpster? A regular-sized dumpster that was intentionally filled with water so that a person and his friends could jump into it and splash about. In a pandemic. During a pandemic. Does the diarrhea rule still apply? That one, who cares? Seriously. Are you going to make it worse?

All right, very good. Here is your next limerick. Our opera just doubled its chance for artistic botanical grants. Our green, leafy crowd rarely rustles out loud. We perform for a hall full of... Plants. There you go. Yes, plants. The Barcelona Opera House reopened with its first show since lockdown,

playing to an audience filled with plants. It was really an amazing image. Each of the beautiful red velvet leather chairs had a single potted plant. The house was packed with them. And you should have seen the line for the drinking fountain at intermission. Well, don't you remember in the 70s when we were all told to talk to our plants? It's true. And play music for them.

That was another thing we heard, that music helps plants. It's true. And play music for them. That was another thing we heard, that music helps plants. It really is an astonishing picture. It was 2,292 plants. And you know the oldest ones still unwrapped their candy after the show started. Actually, little quickly bags of fertilizer.

You know that the Venus fly trap was just chomping on those Jordan almonds. I want to see Patti LuPone throw a cell phone at a geranium. Wait, was she singing everything's coming at roses, right? Exactly. The tulips are going, yeah, yeah, whatever. All right, Jonathan, here is your last limerick. Since her kisses have not been controlled more,

my lawyer will settle this old score. Her lips I still rue, so now I will sue, because I'll always be stuck with this. Cold sore? Yes, very good. That was a tough one. A British man is suing a woman he went on a single date with for over $150,000

because, he says, she gave him a cold sore. The date was going well until, to his horror, quote, I was kissed. He has now sued the woman for negligence, claiming she, quote, had a moral and ethical and legal duty to warn me of the risks I would be exposed to. The man says that his herpes simplex has caused emotional distress and prevents him from going cycling, which we did not realize was done with one's lips. I feel kind of bad for him just because it's England, so if they open their mouth, it's just horrific.

And you close your mouth, you got this cold sore. It's a lose-lose. This is crazy, but we should not give up on the idea of suing people for bad dates, right? I'm suing for $800,000 in damages relating to how much you talked about your mom. Well, it sounds like this guy has got a complex about his simplex. Bill, how did Jonathan do on our quiz? Jonathan's been practicing on those video games because he got a perfect score. Congratulations, Jonathan.

Oh, thank you. My mom is going to be super proud of me. That's why we all do this. Thank you so much, Jonathan. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. This message comes from NPR's sponsor, Teladoc. Teladoc is here for you with 24-7 access to board-certified doctors who can diagnose and treat non-emergency conditions like sinus infections, allergies, rashes, and more. And Teladoc's doctors can, we're authorized, call in a prescription to be filled at the pharmacy of your choice. Download the app today or visit teladoc.com slash NPR. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank.

Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Faith has two points. Hari has two. Mo has four. All right, Faith and Hari are tied, so I'm arbitrarily going to pick Hari to go first. So, Hari, fill in the blank.

When they reopened their borders in July, the blank has suggested that Americans would be blocked from entry. The EU. Right. This week, a grand jury indicted the three suspects in the murder of Ahmaud Arbery in blank. Georgia. Right. On Thursday, a judge denied a request from the Trump family to block a tell-all book written by the president's blank. Nice. Right. This week, a watchdog group reported that the U.S. sent $1.4 billion in coronavirus aid to blank. South Korea.

Dead people. On Monday, Saudi Arabia announced it was severely limiting the annual pilgrimage to blank. The Mecca. Right. On Thursday, Disneyland announced they'd be re-theming the water ride Blank to no longer include characters from Song of the South. Splash Mountain. Right. This week, a strip club in South Carolina was given permission to reopen as long as they banned Blank. Fluid. No. Stripping. The governor of South Carolina declared all strip clubs non-essential in March, forcing them to close their doors for the duration of the pandemic. But this week, the Dollhouse, South Carolina's only Ibsen-themed

strip club, was given special permission to reopen so long as they followed one rule, no stripping. So it's reopened as Fully Clothed Club, but customers are still encouraged to stuff tips in the pockets of the dancers' sensible slacks. Bill, how did Hari do in our quiz? He got five right for a total of 12 points. And that gives him the lead. All right, Faith, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut announced

they would require travelers from coronavirus hotspots to blank. Self-quarantine for 14 days. Exactly. After voting on Tuesday, the primary between Amy McGrath and Charles Booker in blank was still too close to call. Kentucky. Yes. This week, the IMF projected that the global blank would shrink more than they had previously predicted. The global economy. Right. On Wednesday, the Senate confirmed Trump's 200th blank nominee.

Judicial. Right. With baseball still a month away, one bookmaking site is offering gamblers a chance to bet on blank. On the World Series? No, you can bet on the migratory patterns of great white sharks. On Sunday, New York City declared blank an official holiday.

Juneteenth? Yes. According to the National Association of Realtors, blank sales have fallen to their lowest level in a decade. Home. Home. Right. An Amazon delivery driver in Delaware is being praised for carefully following a family's delivery instructions, which asked her to blank. Knock three times, yell abracadabra, and then run away as fast as she could. That's right.

Yes, according to the homeowner. Her son sacked the additional delivery instructions as a joke months before, but had forgotten. So they were both shocked when they heard three loud knocks on the front door, followed by someone screaming abracadabra. The driver says she was happy to go along with the odd request. She says she's happy to work for a great company like Amazon, and can she please use your bathroom? Just don't tell anyone.

It is a delightful video to watch. I have not watched it. She's employee of the week. Bill, how did Faith do on our quiz? She had seven right for 14 more points. She now has 16 points and the lead. All right. And how many, then, does Mo Rocca need to win?

Six to tie, seven to win outright. Here we go, Mo. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. This week, a federal prosecutor told the House that Attorney General Blank exerted political pressure to go easy on Roger Stone. Uh, bar. Right. On Monday, President Trump announced he was suspending work blanks, blocking over 500,000 people from entering the U.S. Uh, he's suspending work, work permits, visas. Work visas, yeah. This week, Senate Democrats blocked Republicans from advancing their blank reform bills.

A police reform bill. Right. On Wednesday, the DNC announced they would hold a mostly virtual blank in August. Um, convention. Right. This week, officials in Austin blamed slow coronavirus test results on the lab's use of blank. Uh, bad swabs. No, fax machines. This week, the SEC warned blank to change their state flag or risk losing college sports events. Mississippi.

Right. Lin-Manuel Miranda says he had to clean up two F-bombs before putting his musical blank on Disney+. Oh, I think it's called Hamilton. It is. This week, a man who was caught downloading Tinder by his girlfriend explained he only wanted it for blanking. To practice swiping with his finger. No, he wanted it so he could look at men's haircuts. As the man explained to his girlfriend

through a river of flop sweat, he couldn't just Google men's haircuts because then you only see pictures of male models, and he wanted to see what normal guys look like. Well, really hot normal guys who promise to be discreet. The boyfriend has since apologized and is now doing everything he can to be a better partner, including setting up some appointments for kissing practice with private tutors he says he met online. Bill, did Mo do well enough to win? Well, sort of. He got

six right for 12 more points. He now has 16, which tied Faith for the win. Wow. Two champions, one shirt between them. Shirts and skins. In just a minute, our panelists predict, and now that all the Confederate statues have been torn down, what new statue will get put up that everybody will love? Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Particularly Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord.

Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King.

Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our summer camp counselor is Peter Gwynn. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Michael Danforth. Now, panel, what will be the new statue

that everyone will approve of? Hari Kondabolu. Betty White, because she's a national icon and still a white. Faith Saley. It's going to be a statue of a working Japanese toilet because everybody

loves them and they're warm and they vibrate and they don't see color. Mo Rocca. A shirtless Teddy Roosevelt. If we see any of those statues, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Mo Rocca, Faith Saley, and Harry Cundibolo. Thanks to all of you, and congratulations for getting through another week.

I'm Peter Sagal, and we will see you all next week. This is NPR.