Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Everyone & Improv Nerds

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Emma and Vice columnist Alzo Slade try to solve the improv coolness crisis with the help of comedy icon Colin Mochrie. Plus: Emma tries her best to annoy Peter Sagal.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Hey guys, I'm Emma Choi and welcome to Everyone and Their Mom from Wait Wait Don't Tell Me. This week we're talking about vices you just can't quit. With Wait Wait panelist, comedian, and someone who seems like he knows his way around an abacus, it's Alzo Slade. Hi Alzo. What's crackin' Emma? Good to be back on with you. How you been? Oh, I've been good. And can't, I mean, do you know how to work an abacus so good? I'm old, man. Back in the day, we had an abacus. In school, we had several abacai. Oh!

This week's story is really fun. A man in China ran an entire marathon while chain smoking. I heard about this guy. So we can all agree that running a marathon is like kind of an objectively insane thing to do, right? Because you're running 26.2 miles just to end up in the same place, you know? I mean, at least make the destination somewhere fun, like Great Wolf Lodge, you know? You get a medal and you get one of those, like, aluminum foil-looking blankets that firemen use. Yeah.

I don't know. It's like, I guess that the reason for running a marathon is personal achievement, personal edification, a sense of accomplishment, like, you know, mind over matter. Because I can imagine, you know, you're a mile, like, 22, and you're like, this is why, and then you finish and then you're like on top of the world yeah runners high you know as if finishing a marathon wasn't hard enough he literally turned himself into a human steam engine he was burning tar and converting it into raw energy but see this is what's not right like when you're running a

marathon there's a whole bunch of other people. Can you imagine running next to this dude? Like, bro, can you put that out? You're running downwind of him, and he's just puffing smoke. And then he ran it in, like, what, like 3.30 something? Yeah, three hours, 28 minutes. That's literally how long it takes me to put on my socks after I'm hungover. And he ran 26 miles. I don't even know if I could drive 26 miles in that.

And I guess we should specify, we're not endorsing smoking, right? Because we all know it's terrible for you. And it makes all your clothes smell like your great aunt's garage. But, you know, if you smoke while you run, do those, like, cancel out? Like, when you go on a terrible first date, but you still get great sushi for free? I don't know if they cancel out. Maybe it gave this dude a superpower. But for most of us, like I haven't smoked a cigarette since I snuck out of middle school in seventh grade with Jason Towns.

And I took one or two swigs and I felt like my lungs were coming up out of my chest. So I don't even know what it would be like to try to run 26.2 miles. Where did he keep all those packs? Because you know those dudes, they dang near wearing underwear when they're running. Yeah, I know. Which is crazy. So where is he keeping these cigarettes? I don't know.

Like in his gullet, like a pelican. That's the only explanation, right? So maybe, maybe, yo, Emma, maybe that's what we need to revisit this story and identify where he kept these cigarettes. Because if he ran 26.2 miles, not only chain smoking cigarettes, but sweaty, musty cigarettes. Yeah. That's even doubly impressive or disgusting. I don't understand running. So I wanted to get actual runners to tell me what's it all about.

What would make a sane person want to run for a super long time? Let's find out. You're kind of leaping from one foot to the other. Yeah, it's kind of like a gallop, like this. Oh, I'm just showing him how I used to run as a kid. Good morning. Hi, Tilly. Hello, Tilly. How are you? I guess we should introduce ourselves. Peter, who are you? Oh, I'm just showing him how I used to run as a kid. Good morning. Hi, Tilly. Hello, Tilly. How are you?

I guess we should introduce ourselves. Peter, who are you? Oh, I'm Peter Sagal. What does that mean? What do you mean, what does that mean? It's my name. What do you want from me? What do you do?

I host Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Good for you. Hi, Tilly. What do you do? Hi, my name is Lillian King, and I'm a producer at Wait, Wait. Okay, if you had a pack of cigarettes on you, where would you keep it? Like your pet pocket? Actually, these particular shorts have pockets. Okay.

Yes. I also tend to wear running belts. I have one here. Okay. And that's where I usually keep my phone. For easy access. For easy access. And so I could keep a pack of cigarettes in there.

I think one of the things, and as we begin to consider this problem, is of course dampness. As you may know. From sweat. When one runs, particularly if one is me, I use sweat a lot. Have you ever pooped yourself during a marathon? No. Many people think that's very common. People who do that tend to be bike riders.

Really? They do that, yeah. Bike riders, triathletes, they do that. Because when you run a bike, it's a matter of seconds. So yeah,. Really? They do that, yeah. Bike riders, triathletes, they do that because it's a matter of, when you run a bike, it's a matter of seconds. So, yeah, they just **** themselves. Yeah, yeah. But the rest of us just, you know, we'll just, there are bushes,

there are alleys, there are dumpsters. Okay, I definitely can't keep up with these guys. So, I'm going to ride next to them on a city bike while they gallop around. Do you ever do anything to make yourself look cooler while you run? Do I do anything to make yourself look cooler while you run? Do I do anything to make myself look cooler while I run? Yeah, up the jazzy factor? No. What's it like running in New York City?

The city of dream. I love running in New York City. Always have. Because it smells like smoke everywhere? It smells like smoke everywhere. There's a tremendous amount to see. There's also a vestigial feeling from a lifetime of movies through running through the streets of New York City. You feel like you're an action hero because I'm trying to get to the bank before the bomb blows up, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you watched Sex and the City, Peter? I've never watched Sex and the City once.

That's surprising to me. We're running up one of the only hills in Central Park. I hate it. Just south of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. And Emma is I'm not going to say struggling, but I will say focusing. No, I say I'm struggling. Okay.

Oh my god. Okay. Alright, in case it wasn't clear I fell off my bike. Alright, number of times I've almost died, one. You guys go. Tell me of the world. Have fun. Tell me of the world.

That's fine. What other sports could use a cool new rebrand? I think bowling. Yeah? When I was a kid, I wanted to be a professional bowler, but there really weren't any cool people doing it. I'm just imagining you, like little Alzo, with your little bowling ball, smiling for the camera. Oh, that's so funny.

Yo, I legit had my own ball, bag, shoes, and I had the wrist thing. No, you didn't. Oh, my gosh. It looks, yeah, you know the thing that it looks like you got carpal tunnel? Yeah. I was in a league. Well, here's a question, right? I mean, thinking about this idea of coolness, is there like one thing that's like a fail-proof way to make something cool?

Well, I think the fail-safe way to make anything cool is to get black people to do it. Right, and then everyone else is going to steal it and not give credit. And everybody else is going to want to steal it, yeah, and appropriate it and not give credit. Yeah. 100%. I don't know if this is about coolness, but putting a tiny hat on something never hurts. I think that can hurt in a lot of ways.

When do you not feel cool? When do you feel dorky? When I am on stage bombing. Yeah, the silence really holds a real uncoolness. Yo, so uncool. Well, first of all, improv. Let's talk about improv. Do we have to? Listen, improv, you talk about uncool. Yeah, yeah. So I did improv for like three or four years

in New York and I think it was a lot of fun I really enjoyed it I'd do it again but in terms of improv intrinsically having a cool factor if you go to an improv show this show can be cool if the people who are performing are cool oh and they're never cool i realized i was wrong there actually is one cool white improv comedy boy well just to start off will you introduce yourself to us hi i'm colin mockery international comedy icon uh that's all you need to know i mean that's basically what i was gonna say perfect yeah you're one of the most famous improvisers in the planet earth most known i think for your work on the show and the iconic improv comedy tv show whose Whose Line Is It Anyway? Well, this week,

we're talking about how to make improv cool, right? Because I feel like sometimes improv people don't have like the most street cred. Do you know what I mean? You're asking the wrong person. I have no idea how to make it cool. Well, I was hoping that between the two of us, maybe we can crowdsource what a cool improv show would be, right? Like, component by component. So, like, in your mind, where's the coolest improv show set? Is it like a speakeasy? Is it an underground lounge?

Oh, yes. I think like a darker space. Like, yeah, a speakeasy would be nice. I think the lighting should be dim, right? Because improvisers, we're hot, right? But we're not model hot. I feel like, you know, put the lights down a little bit. A little bit because people don't really know how sexy we are until we're funny. Absolutely. People don't really know how sexy we are until we're funny. Absolutely.

Because funny is sexy. They may say, oh, what a pleasant looking person. But after a couple of good zip zops, the heartstrings just hold. Okay. How about what's the perfect opening line for this improv show? You know, when the guys come out and they're like, hey, you know, introducing this concept to the crowd. Okay, so complete darkness. Okay. Then a spotlight.

Oh. Then an improviser walks into it and just stands there for a minute without saying anything. stands there for a minute without saying anything. And then slowly looks around the audience and goes, do you want something to happen? If you do, you have to be a part of it. You have to work with us. Everyone sit in silence for another minute. Just make everyone uncomfortable.

Sure, sure. Yeah. And then go, all right, I think we're all in tune. We need you to give us suggestions. And now the show begins! And lights pop up,

and people swing in on ropes from different areas, and the guy with the horns and the pianos just starts playing weird circus music. Uh-huh. Like that. That's a high-budget improv show, my friend. You don't have to have really sturdy ropes for people to swing in. Yeah, yeah. I think that's it. That's the coolest improv show i've ever heard of have you

bombed really badly on stage before oh god no yes yes of course i have oh and um yeah there are times i think of where i go oh there there was a um a show where brad sherwood ryan styles and i were doing a show and the audience was filled with improvisers and we just bombed from the beginning just bombed and we kept trying and then we had that thing of you know what if we just keep going another 20 minutes we'll be fine and we it just got worse and worse and worse the show ended we left got into our cars drove home and didn't talk to each other for two weeks. Because it was so traumatic. It was so horrific. Well, Colin, we've reached the part of the show where we ask our guests to play a game with us. Is that okay? Yeah. Awesome. I built up this entire yes and thing. So I

pretty much have to do everything you say. Funny you should mention yes and, because we all know the first rule of improv is yes and, where we accept the suggestion of our partner and then add on. But because we're edgy and cool, we're playing a game we're calling No But, okay? All right. So we're going to give you the first line of a scene, and you'll respond with the quickest way to derail that scene. So, for example, if I say, hey dad, let's get some ice cream,

you could respond with, you're not my daughter, that's not ice cream, that's Jane Fonda in a chunky sweater. Make sense? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Okay, Angela, will you marry me? The name is Ted, you know I'm gay, and you're my sister. Perfect, no notes. notes. Doctor, doctor, the baby is coming out square. I don't understand what you're doing in my car wash. There it is. And now, over to Brian with the weather. Brian? Brian's dead.

I'm his brother, Tom. I just came in to pick up the body. Oh, the lair is perfect. Um, okay. Hey, buddy, this subway ain't got room for two break dancers. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to sit down. We're about to land. Great.

President Harrison, are you really going to give your inaugural speech in the rain? I gotta tell you, Shelly, ever since we crash landed on this desert island, you've been acting so weird. Oh, great. Colin, thank you so much. What an honor to talk to you. And this was so fun. Thank you so much. Oh, Emma, it was so lovely to talk to you also. Here's the coolest part of the podcast, the credits. This show is brought to you by Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This episode was produced by Haley Fager and Oja Lopez, with help from Blythe Robertson, Lillian King, Sophie Hernandez-Simeone-Diz, and the fifth lesser-known Jonas brother, Jonas Jonas.

Our supervising producer is Kelly Wessinger, and our resident improv comedy white boy is Mike Danforth. Once again, Lorna White, you are the best at our sound. Thank you for that. Thanks to Peter Sagal and Lillian King for letting us chase you through Central Park with a microphone. This is certainly a novel experience. Colin Mulgry, thank you for doing

for improv what Martha Stewart did for crafts. Wow, that turned so quickly. Don't miss Colin's live performance that blends hypnotism with improv. It's on tour now. Find tickets at hipprov.com. That's H-Y-P-R-O-V

dot com. Thank you to my co-host, WaitWait panelist, Vice Correspondent, and dream roommate, Alzo Slade. Yeah, that'll be cool. Check out his podcast, Cheat,

wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Emma Choi, and you can find me at WaitWaitMPR and taping this from my grandmother's closet in California. Wow, it smells like

mothballs in here. Okay, that's it. This is NPR.