Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Everyone & Ostrich Escape

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Comedian Josh Gondelman joins Emma to outsmart a runaway Ostrich and learn how to prepare for the role of a lifetime.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Hi, everyone. I'm Emma Choi, and welcome to Everyone and Their Mom, a weekly show from Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This week, we're talking about an ostrich escape drill with Wait, Wait panelist, comedian, and a man who I imagine has a frequent buyer's card at the Times Square M&M's store. It's Josh Gondelman. What's up?

Hello. You know, I appreciate the sentiment. I prefer to source my M&Ms locally. Mm, interesting. So I get all my M&Ms at the local bodegas and such. I actually, um, I actually thrift all of my M&Ms. Secondhand M&Ms. The slogan for used M&Ms is melts in your mouth, not in your second hand. Cool.

Josh, I'm real excited to talk to you about the story this week. I'm real excited to talk to you about the story this week. I'm very excited. Yes, a zoo in Thailand was in the news for their animal escape plan, where they put one of their employees in an ostrich costume and practiced catching him. Interesting. When you said ostrich escape plan, I thought it was like, in case you need to get the ostriches out, like to a safe house or something, to a second location. That's a different one, right? Yes, yes, yes.

That's in case the ostrich get in some serious gambling pit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, zoos practice for animal escapes all the time, but this zoo practiced the heck out of it, Josh. They made one of their employees dress up in full costume and made him live-action role-play this escaping ostrich. Cool. Yeah. Would you rather be the one dressed up as the ostrich or one of the zookeepers trying to catch the ostrich cool yeah would you rather be the one dressed up as the ostrich or the one of the zookeepers trying to catch the ostrich person the fear would be too much for me oh yeah yeah and

it's like also it's like what if i'm not as fast as an ostrich am i am i live up to that setting the wrong time i know they're so fast i know literally well okay the pictures i wish i could show you the pictures of this drill brought some of the purest joy I have felt in my life. The costume is like, I can paint you a picture. Yes, I'm closing my eyes. It's like a black puffed out trash bag swathed around him, right? He's got running shoes on. He's got like a really scary, realistic neck and head of an ostrich.

He's got some hat. And he's got half a face of white face paint on. Okay. Yeah, it's almost like the Babadook, you a face of white face paint on. Okay. Yeah. It's almost like the Babadook, you know, but like more animalistic. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and the drill basically consisted of him falling out of his nest like ostriches might do.

Okay. And then just like absolutely running around the zoo. Yeah. Until someone finally caught him with, this is through a giant net. Ooh. Yes. I guess that's the tool they use, right? I guess. I don't think they use like lassoos.

No, no, no, no. Josh, how do you think they picked this person? Were they like the best zookeeper or were they, you know, they had to do it because they're worst zookeeper? So I think if they're smart, they weren't evaluating on the metrics of zookeeping. Sure. They were thinking which person on staff best embodies the qualities of an ostrich, regardless of what that means for them. Right. Like who's got long, slender, fast legs.

Long, slender, fast legs. Long, slender, fast legs. Long, slender, fast legs. Can you introduce yourself for us? Oh, dear. Can you introduce yourself for us? Oh, dear. I could make the short version, which is I'm a tall, skinny, goofy actor from movies and television,

often playing creatures and monsters under heavy rubber makeups, now transitioning more into humans as I age. A lot of people might not know that they know you because you're the face behind some sci-fi and fantasy's best-known creatures, like the hot fish guy from Shape of Water, the creepy looking alien Saru on Star Trek, the terrifying guy with eyes on his hands from Pan's Labyrinth. And Doug, I have to tell you, I am a little bit scared of you after I saw you on Pan's Labyrinth. Are you a scary man? Not in real life. I'm kind of like Mr. Rogers, really. I wear a lot of cardigan sweaters and ties and I hug people without wanting to eat them.

Well, Doug, we want to talk to you about this story we're obsessed with this week. It's about this zoo in Thailand that ran an escaped animal drill by making one of their zookeepers dress up as an ostrich and run around the zoo as the ostrich. And the other zookeepers had to practice catching him. And we just love this method physical performance, you know? If you were cast as this ostrich, how would you get into the role? Oh, right. This doesn't sound far off from my career.

So, yeah, first of all, I've played many animal-man hybrids over the years, as well as fantasy characters that don't exist on Earth but might elsewhere. And when you're taking on a researchable animal type, you want to observe. And a trip to the zoo can help. So if I were going to play an ostrich, I would go watch ostriches. I would watch them walk around, see how their legs hit the ground. How did they shift their weight? How does their neck move as they walk? How does their neck move as they lean down to eat or drink? How do they interact with each other? Do they, do they touch each other? Do they get aggressive with each other? How all of those things want to come into play. Then I might take that information and the script I'm given,

what has to happen in my scenes, and I might take that to a 24-hour fitness kind of place where I can use the aerobics floor after the classes are done for the day, use the mirrors and the big dance floor. Now I can start walking around and seeing how do I make my human body turn into this ostrich, right? Then the next thing that informs your performance is going to be the costume or makeup that's put on you. It will give you enhancements or restrictions that will then inform the performance. Well, let's talk about costumes because I love you on What We Do in the Shadows as the Baron, and I know the Baron has some pretty heavy prosthetics, and so does your other roles, like Shape of Water, had pretty involved costuming. Is that really hard to manipulate yourself in that kind of costuming? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's never easy.

But there's varying degrees of difficulty, depending on the design and how far away from human you're getting. That's the basic rule of thumb. The farther from human you get, the harder it's going to be to perform in. The hardest thing I've ever done was probably when I played the mother bug in a movie called Bug Buster. I'll bet you haven't seen that, have you? No, but I'm interested now. Well, okay. Dip your toe in first before you commit.

But I was an insect, a giant insect. So it involved me crouching over and having a stinger coming out of my backside and six legs and a head that was attached to the top of my head, so I was looking through the neck. So that was just one complication after another, and I was really happy when that wrapped and I could take it off. Yeah, I bet. I mean, that makeup must have taken forever. How do you, like, sit through hours of makeup without going crazy?

Well, the makeup applications are the easiest part of my day. I get to sit still. And there are some people who don't do that very well. I'm not one of those people who has to be doing something all the time. That works well in a makeup chair. The real test for me is when now I have to go to the set and perform and come alive and keep my energy up all day while wearing something that is hot and heavy and sticky and cumbersome.

Yeah, do you have like an eject button in case you need a pee real bad or want to eat a breakfast if you want to get into the pee uh you know conversation this is that gets complicated too sure like the shape of water you're an amphibian man he was he was a naked fish man basically and. And my, my, my naughty bits were, were hidden under a flap. I, so I had a flap, but I also had a webbed clawed hands. So getting to the flap and being able to negotiate my business was, Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like the whole, like with the rubber gloves, it's like taking oven mitts and trying to, like, turn on the stove. That's exactly what it's like. Yeah, right, right.

Is it okay? Can we go back to the beginning for a second? Like, how did this start? What kind of kid were you? Were you always, you know, doing backflips in gym? No, no. I was a, again, oddly enough, a very tall, skinny boy. Sure. I was, again, oddly enough, a very tall, skinny boy with a very, very long, skinny neck that was a focal point for mockery.

Other kids can be very cruel. And so I was called, you mentioned ostrich, I was called an ostrich more times than I can count. So I finally looked up what one looked like and I was like, no, that's not a compliment if you're a human. So, yeah. So basically I had to develop a sense of humor and a class clown sort of personality so that I could control when

and why they were laughing at me. Right? Well, I hope this isn't traumatic for you to talk about ostriches. No, no, no. This guy we're talking about in the ostrich suit, I'm very proud of him. Me too. He's doing all of us ostriches. No, no, no. Okay. I'm proud of this guy we're talking about in the ostrich suit. I'm very proud of him. Me too.

He's doing this all of us ostriches proud out here. I'm very much a planner. I really respect the zoo for like planning for this kind this kind of, like, wild occasion, you know? Like, yeah, that's great. Yeah. I'm not a planner.

You don't? I think if I owned a zoo, like, if I – because I wouldn't rise through the ranks of zoo professionals. I don't have the skills. So if I acquired one Matt Damon style, perhaps. Yeah, yeah, we bought a zoo. I just bought myself a zoo. Yeah. Then I think it would be

a little loosey goosey all the geese would be loose I just don't have that requisite I think if an ostrich went loose in my zoo we'd be like, wish I'd thought to prepare for this I guess

we should have had someone dress up like this and run the drill. Yeah, run around. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. There was a period in my life where every night I would pack a satchel in case there was a fire during the night so I could grab and go. Like any normal kid. I did have, this is last night.

Yeah. I did have the thought, I hope I don't sleep too deeply because what if something important happens and I don't wake up? That's not a healthy thought to have. No. What do you mean by important? Like Princess Diana comes back to life? Yeah. My wife would wake me up for that.

Right, right, right. But my dog, I have a very old dog. Your pug. Yeah, she's an elderly pug. A senior pug, they call her. Yes. I was like,

I don't want to sleep too well because what if she has to go out? Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, and I can't, I don't want to sleep too well because what if she has to go out? Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. And I can't, I don't wake up to take her out. So instead I'll just sleep badly for the rest of my dog's life. And that's what a dad is. That's what being a father is. That is, it's worry. It's worry.

It's worry. If anyone knows about worrying about an animal escaping, it's our friend, comedian Julia Young, here to tell us an epic tale. Hi, I'm Julia Young, and I'm on the phone with my mom, Martha. Hi, Mom. Hi, Juju. Mom, right now, we're going to tell the story

of when our guinea pig escaped. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. So, this is the 90s, correct? We had a guinea pig. Yep, you all were in elementary school. Mm-hmm. We had a guinea pig. Yep, you all were in elementary school. We had a guinea pig. Yeah, he was calico. I think he was called a teddy bear guinea pig.

We got him from the pet store at the Plymouth Mall. Okay. Shout out to Ann Arbor, Michigan. So we named him Speedy. Yes, because he was speedy. Yeah, he was fast. And, you know, all three of us kids kind of took turns taking care of him. Well, yeah, sort of. You disagree?

No, no. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Okay. So I remember one day somehow he escaped into the pack of Sandra in front of our house. I do remember that day. And he was gone forever. And we were all pretty distraught. And then what happened a few weeks later? Well, do you want to hear my side of it?

Yeah. After about, I'd say, less than a month, I think you guys were tired of taking care of Speedy. Okay. And so it was mainly on me. And I just was getting tired of Speedy. I really had no fond feelings for him, except as a fellow human, as a fellow living creature. So I decided, you know what, let me let him have a better life outside in the wild. And so I actually let him out of his cage in the pack of Sandra in front of our house. And I said, I bid him a fond farewell.

And I said, go live and enjoy Speedy. So two days later, I was outside in our front yard and I see a man walking from the apartments around the block and he had something in his hands. And I thought, no. And he came and I knew it was Speedy. He came up to me and he said, is this your guinea pig? So I had to take Speedy back. And we all agreed that Speedy would have a happier life if we took him back to the pet store. And it turned out that the teddy bear guinea pigs or whatever he was, a calico, were actually prized for breeding. So actually, he did have a better life because he got to be put out to stud. And that was the end of Speedy, and I will never have a guinea pig again.

But also, did you think a guinea pig could survive in the wild? Not really. Here's the birdiest part of the podcast. The credits. This show is brought to you by Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This episode was produced by Haley Fager, Zola Ray, and Oaha Lopez. With help from Blythe Robertson, Lillian King, Sophia Hernandez-Simeone-Vis, and all the ostriches out there.

Shout out to the ostriches. Our supervising producer is Jennifer Mills. And our boy king is Mike Danforth. Once again, Lorna White, you do the sound the best. We love you. Thank you to comedian Julia Young's mom, Martha. Okay, are you going to introduce me as mom,

or Marty, or Mrs. Young? C.P. LaRue? And Julia Young, for adding to the mom count on her show. Mom! We love moms. Doug Jones, thank you for being the nicest monster man I've ever met. He's the nicest guy in the world.

I've been waiting my whole life for his next movie, Hocus Pocus 2, premiering September 30th on Disney+. Thank you to my co-host, comedian, Weep Weep panelist, and God-tier pug father, Josh Gondelman. I really want Ben Affleck to be okay. His stand-up special, People Pleaser, is available to stream now. I'm Emma Choi, and you can find

me at WaitWaitNPR, and yelling at the trash truck that is literally always outside of my room while we're recording. Can you hear that? Listen. Okay, that's what it sounds like. Go away, trash truck! That's it. This is NPR.