Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - George Saunders

Episode Date: January 14, 2023

Celebrated short story author George Saunders joins us to answer three questions about court stories. With panelists Paula Poundstone, Peter Grosz and Emmy Blotnick.Sign up for Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me+ via Apple Podcasts or at plus.npr.org.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'll be a butterfly someday. I'm a very hungry caterpillar now. Bill Curtis. And here's your host at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. It's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Thank you so much. It's good to see you. Later on, we're going to be talking to acclaimed author and MacArthur genius George Saunders.

But first, this month marks our 25th anniversary on the air. That is right. We first started broadcasting Wait, Wait in January 1998, and I can't tell you how proud we are of bringing the world about 16 years of quality comedy. But we want to hear how old you

are today, so give us a call and help us start our second quarter century. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Mike Laerdal from snowy St. Paul, Minnesota. Oh, snowy. Are you in fact still having like traditional Minnesota winters? Because our Chicago winters have just simply been too mild. Yeah, they're either, it's either all or nothing these days, it seems. Yeah, I know. What do you do there in st Paul the place I love I am a customer success manager for a marketing technology a

customer success manager Yes. Yes. Is that what we're calling it now? Account management okay with that account management come in so the customers have So you're not the person we get when we dial the 800 number, right? No, no, no. No, no, no. Different from customer service. Do you get involved in customers' personal lives? You don't want them just to be happy with your company, but also find love and get a

good patent, that sort of thing? Depends on how much I like them. I understand, yeah. Well, welcome to the show, Mike. Let me introduce you to this week's panel. First up, she's a comedian who will be at the Bottle Rocket Social Hall in Pittsburgh, PA on Saturday, January 14th. It's Emmy Blotnick.

Hello. Caller success. Customer success. Yes, caller success. We should be invested in your success. Thanks for inspiring. Next, he's an actor and comedian co-hosting the comedy variety show We Fixed It at Caveat in New York City. On January 19th, it's Peter Gross.

Hi there. And finally, a comedian who will be in Englewood, New Jersey on Friday, March 10th at the Bergen Performing Arts Center and in Skokie, Illinois on Saturday, April 1st at the North Shore Center for the Performing Arts. It's Paula Poundstone. Hey, Mike. Hey, Paula. So, welcome to the show, Mike. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify

or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. You ready to play? Yep. Here is your first quote. I was a star volleyball player for Baruch College. That was the latest lie, as of showtime, told by a newly sworn in member of Congress who has lied about everything. Who, or rather I should say, what, as far as we know, is his name? George? Yes.

Santos? Yes, George Santos. Yes. After lying about his education, his career, his residence, his income, his ethnicity, and his employment, it finally got too much for the Republican officials from his district in Long Island who called for George Santos to resign on Tuesday. Or as Santos put it, on Tuesday, he became the winningest director in Golden Globes history. Now, one of the guys who spoke and called for his resignation, that was the chair of the Long Island GOP, he said that Santos had told him that he, Santos, had been a star on the volleyball team at Baruch

College and had won a championship with that team, despite the fact that Santos never actually attended Baruch College. Now, for those keeping score, that is a different college he didn't attend from the first college he said he attended that he also didn't attend. Did they even win the championship when he said, like, did he do enough research to plausibly lie? No, that's the funny thing. They have won a championship, but it was after

Santos didn't graduate. Does that make sense? Yes. I think the tense of that and the logic of that does somehow make sense. But you have to put yourself in the mood. It is like a word problem. It's like, if George Santos doesn't graduate from Brewer College in 2018, but then they win afterwards,

how would you say that they won after he did not graduate from me? It's a logic. Like, my son is taking logic. That would be the... What's weird is, I mean, imagine that moment. He's talking to this guy and says, oh, yeah, you know, I'm athletic. I went to Baruch College and I played volleyball. But that's not enough for him in the moment, right?

Yeah. He's like, and we won a championship. Because that's just, he just won't stop. He's great. You can't take away the volleyball trophy I don't have. Exactly. The idea that he would suggest that he was athletic, too, because, right, you look at him and, no, he's not athletic. No, he looks like Marco Rubio's Clark Kent.

All right, your next quote is our president, President Biden, reassuring us about something that was found next to his beloved Corvette. By the way, my Corvette's in a locked garage. That was him somehow trying to defend himself against charges of mishandling what? Confidential documents from his time as vice president. That's right, classified documents First we found earlier this week That lawyers had found classified documents

In one of President Biden's offices And then this week more classified documents Were found at his garage in Delaware That explains why he was always saying to Jill When they were at home Hey, while you're out there Grab me a Miller Lite and the nuclear coat What if it turns out

like every president has... I wondered about that. Like Jimmy Carter in a few days. Jimmy Carter's 96. He's shuffling out to the backyard going, Rosalind, we've got to burn these. I don't think he would want to burn...

It's going to turn out that he accidentally put them in the foundation of a... Or something, one of those houses of humanity. Of a habitat for humanity. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, darn it. In a way, this is really kind of nice, though, for him and Trump,

because now they have something in common, right? You start with something you share, hidden classified documents, breaks the ice, you find out more you have in common. Hey, you have an embarrassing son? Me too. Next thing you know, unity ticket. And knowing Trump, he'll be like, I have more documents hidden away. I have the most classified. I have more than one embarrassing son.

Exactly, yes. Here is your last quote. Time fix my todger. When would it work its magic on my heart? Those words are from the Royal Memoir published this week that quickly became Time fix my todger. When would it work its magic on my heart? Those words are from the royal memoir published this week that quickly became the fastest-selling nonfiction book in history. It's a book by whom? Prince Harry? Prince Harry, yes! Prince Harry's memoir, Spare, has broken multiple publishing records for fastest-selling book,

most sold in a short period of time, and most readers doing a Google search and going, oh God, that is what todger means. Wait, what does it mean? I shall tell you. Oh no. He writes about how he went down to Antarctica for some reason, and because he did not wear appropriate insulation on his lower half, he got frostbite on his todger. Gotcha. So, knees, the area between the knees and the... Higher. Yeah. His todger. His royal belly button.

Yes. His scepter, if you will. Apparently, the book is rather raw, apparently. People are thinking that Harry needs some therapy more than he needs to write a book. He complains bitterly about his family. He tells us about how much he dislikes Camilla, for example. He tells us that his brother, the heir to the throne, Prince William, is going bald, which is something only could have known by looking at him. Didn't they fight, too?

They got into a fist fight or something? Yeah, they actually had like a fist fight of sorts. They had a gladiator fight at Todger Stadium. There you are. Yay. Thank you. Thanks. Wow.

Bill, how did Mike do in our quiz? Mike is very, very good. He got them all right. Congratulations. I think we can say that in this particular case, our customer was successful. Oh, there you go. Yes, there you go. There you go.

Thank you so much for playing. Yeah, thank you. Take care, Mike. Right now, panel, it is time for some more questions for you from this week's news. Emmy, you remember the board game Clue? Colonel Mustard with the revolver in the library, that game. Well, Hasbro has released an updated version, and while the rules are still the same, everybody is talking about what big change.

Oh, please tell me the candlestick is still a weapon. The candlestick is still a weapon. Okay, then I have no issues with any other changes. Is that always your favorite murder weapon? It's just the most grisly one, right? More than the lead pipe? I feel like lead pipe's a weapon. Candlestick, you got to really go at it for a long time, right? Frozen todger. They stole the candlestick, but we have to get back to the question. What did they change that everybody's talking about?

Is Professor Plum tenured? Yes. And there he's running around going, yes, I'm the murderer and you can't do anything to me now. No, I'll give you a hint. Miss Scarlet, she may not murder, but she absolutely slays.

Oh, no. Is this another Todger thing? I'm going to give you one more hint. It has to do with the picture on the cover of the game box. Is it like a thirst trap? Yes. They're all sexy now.

Sexier than the old Professor Plum? I don't think so. Is it like a thirst trap? Yes. They're all sexy now. Oh. Sexier than the old Professor Plum? Yes. I don't think so. Yeah, no. Clue, the 2023 version of Clue, has had a makeover. It takes the classic characters like Miss Scarlet and Mr. Green. They made them all super hot, you know? Miss Scarlet was always a babe.

Yeah, well, now they all are equally babelicious. Now she's just a whore. No, it's amazing. On the box, all the characters now look like Instagram fashion influencers. Mrs. White, you know, has like this short asymmetrical haircut. Colonel Mustard looks like he should be called Daddy Mustard.

Zaddy Mustard. I hope this doesn't catch on. I don't know if my tender heart can handle the thought of like the Monopoly man with ripped pecs you know you want to pass go? coming up we make a

cold call in our bluff the listener game call 1-888-WAITWAIT to play we'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR at WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Emmy Blotnick, Paula Poundstone, and Peter Gross. And here again is your host

at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, everybody. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Jamie Brennan from Boise, Idaho.

Oh, Boise is great. What do you do there? I'm a kitchen garden consultant. A kitchen garden consultant. Yes, I own a small business. We design and install kitchen gardens in Boise. But I would imagine that people who live in Idaho would know

how to do a garden, but am I wrong? Are people like need your help to have a successful garden? Yeah, we have a lot of new transplants who are used to growing in different locations. So we try to help them get started in our climate. Oh, how great. That's very nice. Well, I'm so glad to hear that. Welcome to the show, Jamie. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Jamie's topic? Worst butt dial ever. We all know about the butt dial. We've all done it. Your cheeks decide to call someone out of the blue without the rest of the body's permission.

Well, we read this week about a particularly unfortunate butt dial, and we're going to have our panelists tell you about it, but only one of them, of course, is telling the truth. Pick that panelist and we'll win our prize. Any voice that you might choose in your voicemail. Are you ready to do this? I'm ready. All right.

Let's hear first from Paula Poundstone. After receiving a ransom call for the return of his 16-year-old son, Elvis Trestor, Kissimmee, Florida, father Jonathan Trestor received another call. The kidnapper butt-dialed him. I said hello, but no one answered. But they didn't hang up. That's when I knew I'd been

butt-dialed, says Trestor. Then I hear my son say, you asked my dad for a million dollars? Oh, like my dad has a million dollars? Oh, like my dad has a million dollars? Kidnap much? And the guy says, he'll get it.

And I hear my son say, I'm hungry. There's a McDonald's right there. Turn here, turn here. Oh, go. Oh, you could have gone right then. Oh my God, can I just drive? My friend TJ was kidnapped, and his kidnapper took him to Best Buy. The police were able to use the ongoing call to track the phone's location,

intercept the car, and recover Elvis unharmed. The kidnapper now faces 25 years to life in prison, but he says that after his day with Elvis, he can handle anything. The kidnapper gets caught by a butt dial. Your next story of a dialing derriere comes from Peter Gross. Radio DJ Tony Madman Mendoza of 98.5 KFOX in San Francisco ran a typical radio contest this week.

The 98th caller would win tickets to a Bruce Springsteen concert on Thursday night. But when that 98th call came in and Mendoza barked out his signature, you're talking to the madman, there was silence on the other end of the phone. Hello, anyone there? 98th caller? Mendoza asked, not realizing, of course, that he was talking to a butt. Here's where the ordeal began. Due to KFOX legal policy, Mendoza couldn't just move on to the 99th caller. The number of caller he announced on air legally had to receive the tickets, so he plumbed the station's phone records and found the number that the 98th call originated from. But whenever he called back to try to award their prize, the voice on the other end of the phone would yell,

no, I will not donate to the Democratic Party and hung up. I never even got to voicemail, said Mendoza. I guess my number is similar to the one Nancy Pelosi uses for fundraising texts. Then he tried to appear before a judge to request the address of the caller from the phone company and he set the city record for fastest request thrown out of court. At his wit's end, he rented a billboard with the question, Is this your phone number? KFOX has your Bruce Springsteen tickets.

The next day, a Mr. Leo Chu of San Mateo, California, called Mendoza and told him, I was the 98th caller, but I don't really like Bruce Springsteen. Got any Taylor Swift tickets? Those are easy to get, right? A guy butt dials and wins a contest in a radio station, thereby making the life of the DJ miserable. Your last story of a rump gone rogue

comes from Emmy Blotnick. This bad butt dial story comes to us from a Rainbow Six Siege player named Elijah, who was in the middle of a heated Xbox party when his butt accidentally dialed 911. The operator overheard him talking to his teammates as he said, I killed two people. And then all hell broke loose. Within minutes, armed police officers took this Siege IRL. They showed up at Elijah's door to investigate what they thought was a self-snitched double homicide. But what they were met with was a kid

home alone in pajamas and no one dead. They just scared the Rainbow Six out of him. After searching Elijah's house for hours, he was deemed innocent. The true perp? Elijah's butt. hours, he was deemed innocent. The true perp? Elijah's butt. The point is, don't wait until it's too late. Sit down and talk with your butt about the dangers of smartphones. All right. Somebody butt dialed somebody this week. Was it from Paula Poundstone, a kidnapper who butt dialed his hostage's father who got to listen as the hostage drove the kidnapper crazy for once. From Peter Gross, a guy who won a radio contest via a butt-dial, making life hell for the DJ. Or from Emmy Blotnick, a young video gamer who accidentally confessed

to a fake double homicide by butt-dialing the police at just the wrong moment. Which of these is the real story we found in the news? This is really hard, but I think I'm going to go with Peter's story about the wrong moment. Which of these is the real story we found in the news? This is really hard, but I think I'm going to go with Peter's story about the radio DJ. All right, your choice is Peter's story. To bring you the correct answer, we spoke to someone familiar with that real story. He was like, oh my gosh, like I just called the police and I said I killed two people. That was Sam Goldberg. He's the head of podcasting for Law & Crime, talking about this particular non-crime.

That's right, it was Emmy's story of the video gamer who didn't actually kill two people, no matter what his butt said to the police. I'm afraid that you were fooled by Peter's story, and you have won a point for him, but I can't say that you've won our game. But thank you so much for calling. Thanks for having me.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And now the game where we ask very, very smart people about something usually pretty dumb. George Saunders, one of the most acclaimed fiction writers alive, did not grow up wanting to be a writer. In fact, he didn't start seriously writing his short stories until he was almost 30. So kids, if you want to end up winning a MacArthur Genius Grant and the Man Booker Prize, put down the notebooks filled with

angsty poems and take off the turtleneck and go work in a slaughterhouse for a while. George Saunders, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Really nice to be here. And so is that true? You had a bunch of odd jobs before you were a writer and you worked, you were a roofer here in Chicago up on roofs, roofing. Yep. And you, and you worked in a slaughterhouse? I did, not for very long, but I, I, I was in Amarillo, Texas and I needed to get to Chicago and I needed about $800 to get my car fixed. So, yeah, and my job was a knuckle puller. And, you know, you just kind of, it was really cold in there. And these big legs, they look like big drumsticks.

And we would just stand in line and wait for our leg to come by. And then, you know, there's this incredibly elaborate thing you had to do to get this piece of meat out of there. And you just took it and like pitched it across the room onto this conveyor belt so pretty sweet pretty yum yum yum wow i can just imagine you doing that and thinking to yourself you know what about literature i did it about two weeks and as soon as i had that 800 i just like ah ran over to where you handed in your equipment. And then I just like took a sprint out the door. Happiest day of my life.

It's entirely possible that somebody in Amarillo, Texas is listening to this right now and going, that's where that son of a gun went. Yeah, but they've got to check for me. I know your work pretty well. And there's this story that you've told that I'd love to tell you again. You had decided to become a writer. you you decided to be a writer and you wrote a novel and you decided it was terrible yeah but I but I wrote it first right and uh yeah it was like a 700 page um accounting of a wedding that I'd gone to in Mexico a friend of mine got married down there and so I came back and I said to my wife,

just trust me, this is going to work. Just let me do this thing. So for about a year and a half, you know, I got up early and stayed up late. And our kids were little at that time. And so finally, at the end of this period, I have this 700-page book. And the title of it was La Boda de Eduardo,

which means like Ed's wedding. It sounds like a sitcom that should be on CBS. And with great reverence, I handed it up to my wife, you know, like, well, just take your time. There's no rush. I'm pretty sure about what I've done here. And so of course, like any writer, I sneak around the corner and I'm kind of watching her and she must have been on about maybe page six and I look in and she's got her head in her hands with this look of deep grief on her face you know so so and I knew you know I instantly knew it was incoherent you know I was too tired when I wrote it so that was a big you know big day right which is I've read your first story and if I understand correctly you were at that

time working in an office trying to make a living right support your that's right yeah that's as a tech writer and your first story in your first collection or the first story that you believe you published is about an office and the protagonist is a like a complete loser and everybody hates him but he gets to be the boss for a little while yeah that it there was a series of stories that were in theme parks that were basically offices. And, you know, the idea was to be kind of wacky and funny, and I had Bonnegat in mind and Monty Python. But the really interesting thing was when I just said, oh, to hell with it, be funny, be irreverent, you know, at that point I felt like

whether they're good or not, they're really speaking to me, and they're kind of confusing me and, you know, I'm having a lot of fun. And you knew that you were onto something when you actually heard your wife laugh when she read something you wrote, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, the very first thing I wrote after that, that Mexican book was, um, uh, I just wrote a series of kind of pornographic scatological poems at work while I was on a conference call, just kind of killing time. And, uh, you know, that, those kinds of poems. And, um, conference call, just kind of killing time. And, you know,

those kind of poems. Oh, yeah, those kind of poems. A lot of men from Nantucket. This is NPR. We know about those poems. And then I also illustrated them on the other page and brought those home. And I almost threw them in the garbage, you know, almost threw them away. But I just left them on the table. know almost threw them away and not but I just left them on the table and I look in and sure sure enough Paula was you know genuinely laughing and it was kind of like the first time in many years that anyone had reacted that you know positively to anything I'd written usually it was kind of like you give a friend something to read and they go okay well yeah I I read it you wrote this whole thing all by yourself

there was a lot of punctuation so George obviously you've won all this acclaim as a serious writer of literary fiction the MacArthur Genius Grant and the Man Booker Prize and many other things and your understanding

and appreciation of writing is very sophisticated do you have any guilty pleasures? When you're just tired of being a literary giant? Do you watch Love Island Australia? That's what I was going to guess. Love Island Australia, specifically.

I think I'm going to pick up this new version of Clue. Yeah! Very sexy! Yeah. I would love to hear it if like George Saunders was like really into the Marvel cinematic universe for example well I mean I'm a big music fan but I don't know if that's a guilty

pleasure I really but I mean I will watch anything and read anything I think the idea is to be kind of a sieve you know and if you you know when I was growing up on the south, my idea of literary was whatever I couldn't understand, you know, if I, if I picked up a book and couldn't make sense of it, it must be great. And now I feel like, so, so it was kind of a, you know, an elite feeling to what I thought literature was, but now I just think it's anything that connects people in a way that's deeper than

the usual way way habitual way we connect that can be seen as literature so you know i just say let it all in and i'll sort it out at the writing desk well what keeps me up at night is the peril of thanos destroying half of all life in the universe i'm gonna take that as a guess yes i have one more thing i'm going to offer before we get to our game which is i have an idea if you want to outsell prince harry speaking as as one of your fans the one thing that we would love and snap up every copy would be an anthology

of pornographic poems with drawings on the back. Yeah. Am I right? Yeah. I'm just saying. I think you've got the title right there. I know, yes.

Pornographic poems with drawings on the back by George Saunders. It's done. If at least one of them centered around Clue, I think you got your hook. Well, George Saunders, it is always such a joy to talk to you, and we have invited you here to play a game we're calling The Art of the Court Story. So as we've discussed, you write and teach short stories.

We thought we'd ask you about court stories, things that have happened in courtrooms across the country. Answer two out of these three questions correctly, you'll win our prize. One of our listeners, the voice of anyone from our show, they might choose. Bill, who is George Saunders playing for? Jane Owens of Las Vegas, Nevada.

All right, here's your first question. Can you tell Jane, if I lose, I'll put my voice on your machine. Oh, that's good. No losers here. Here's your first question, George. A man named Richard Overton once sued Anheuser-Busch, the famous brewery, for $10,000. Why?

A, he says they stole his idea for a, quote, completely tasteless beer. B, he says that their ads lied when they promised drinking beer would attract beautiful women. Or C, his constant repeating of the line, What's up? from those Bud Light ads cost him all of his friends. That can't be right, because losing all your... If you said got him divorced, I would believe it, but that doesn't really make sense. What was number two again? Number two was that he says that the ads lied when they promised drinking beer would attract beautiful young women.

I don't know. I guess I'll go with that one, but I don't know. No, you're right. That's, in fact, what happened. Turns out, despite what they show you in all those ads, gorgeous women in bikinis are not attracted to the sound of beer cans opening. Who knew? All right. Second question.

A man named Alan Heckard once sued Michael Jordan, Chicago's own, for $416 million for what? A, for having a lot of money and just not sharing it with other people. B, for looking like him because he was tired of people asking him if he was Michael Jordan. C, for not growing his hair out and letting the world know that male pattern baldness was not a source of shame. I'm going to go with number two. That's right. He was, to be fair, Mr. Heckard, he did look a lot like Michael Jordan and I could see how that would get annoying. Okay, George, last question. According to a book collecting excerpts from actual court reporters's transcripts, which of these questions was actually asked by an attorney to a witness?

A, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? B, the youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Or C, were you present when your picture was taken? Oh my God. All of those seem viable, given human nature. I'm going to say C, the third one. You were right in the first place. They were all true. They all were said in court. I didn't even know that was an option. Yeah, it is now. How about that, Chuck? Bill, how did George Saunders do in our quiz? Perfect, of course.

He's from the South Side. Yeah. George Saunders is a Booker Prize winning author. His newest collection of short stories, Liberation Day, is out now. George Saunders, thank you so much for joining us. And wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a pleasure to be here. Oh, George, it was great to talk to you.

Take care. Bye, George. We learned a lot, be with you. Oh, George, it was great to talk to you. Take care. Bye, George. We learned a lot, George. Thanks. Bye, George. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. In just a minute, Bill has a warning about the menace hiding in everybody's pantry.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Peter Gross, and Emmy Blotnick. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill gives in to his rhyme-o-urges

in our Listener Limerick Challenge game. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, a panel of some more questions for you from the week's news. Peter, the Wall Street Journal reports an increase in dating coaches not being hired by single people themselves, but instead being hired by whom?

Married people? No. Makes sense to me. Makes sense, yeah. Not being hired by their mothers. Exactly right. Oh, wow. My son's not good at this.

I know. Exactly right. You have no idea how close you are to the truth. More and more parents are surprising their adult children with obsessions, with dating coaches, just the thing you want to make them uncomfortable about being single and you don't want to wait for Thanksgiving. Pleasantly surprising. You forgot the word pleasantly surprising. Oh yes, the children are always so delighted.

One of these mothers told the Wall Street Journal that she created a dating app profile for her daughter and then she'd scroll through it looking for suitable young men and then finding one she'd send her daughter a picture of the guy with the daughter's head photoshopped next to him. Oh, here you are as a couple. But don't worry. This mother told the journal, quote, I know where the weird line was and I wasn't going to cross it. Wow. That is wild. Just get a hobby. I mean, it's impressive that she knows how to photoshop. That's true. That's true. She took a whole advanced thing. They were like, you can get involved in your child's life. I'll learn Photoshop. I'm a graphic designer. Peter, a new study suggests

that an extinct species turns out to have been much smarter than we previously thought, perhaps even smart enough to use tools. What animal am I talking about? That is extinct? Yes. Famously extinct. The Tyrannosaurus Rex? Tyrannosaurus Rex. Exactly right. A study. Yes. T-Rex. I deserve that.

The study looked at brain cases, Tyrannosaurus Rex fossils, and determined that they could have had brains with as many neurons as a baboon, which, if you know any baboons, that's enough to have a social system, pass knowledge down through generations, culture, and even use tools. But how awful would it have been to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex, to be smart enough to use tools, but never be able to reach down and pick one up if you drop it? You know, the thing with dinosaurs is, like, we don't even know what they looked like.

All we have is their bones, and it's just a bunch of scientists who are like, wouldn't it be cool if they were like this color, and they had this kind of swirl or whatever, and now we're adding like, and they could use tools, and they were super nice to scientists. And they love to read. They drink

little espressos. They have a brain that could make an espresso, and could squash a bean. They could even make a cappuccino if they knew how to froth milk with their hot fire. We're just making everything up about dinosaurs. I'm sorry, I'm just imagining a Tyrannosaur gently doing one of those pour-overs. Paula, a supermarket chain in the Netherlands has introduced special checkout lanes in its stores. Lanes that are guaranteed to be what?

I love this. All right. Slow. That's right, Paula. Slow checkout lanes? Slow checkout lanes. Because the clerk talks to you, and you can talk to the clerk and say, hey, how you doing? I love this.

I think it's genius. And it's been very popular. So you're saying, Paula, that you would really enjoy a checkout lane where you were encouraged to talk. Yes. Yes, they are called kletzkasa,

which translates to chat checkout, and it is for people who genuinely like to spend a little time chatting with the cashier when they're shopping. That's right. It's for psychopaths. I mean, think of all the podcasts we wouldn't have if more people would do this. I know. It's the exact opposite of you going to one of those machines and you scanning it yourself. I think that is really pathetic.

That is like, that's just the story being like, we give up. I mean, you know how this works. Like just you do it. I will say every time I use one of those self-checkouts, I need a lot of help. Yeah, you end up meeting a lot of people. I'm chatting the whole time. You meet the attendant, you meet the manager. Yeah, it's great.

They're like, what are these leaks? Sometimes in my case, when things go so poorly, I meet the security team you meet the manager. Yeah, they're like, what are these leaks? Sometimes in my case, when things go so poorly, I meet the security team. It's great. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.mpr.org, or you can come see us here at our new home at the beautiful Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago. For show dates, tickets, and more information, go to nprpresents.org. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, my name is Matt Pelliston, and I'm from Kimberly, Idaho. Kimberly, Idaho, another caller from Idaho. What do you do there? I'm a high school choir and musical theater teacher. Oh, my goodness. Wow. I'm a high school choir and musical theater teacher. Oh, my goodness. Wow. So that's, I never make fun of music teachers because I think you guys do amazing work.

But I do want to ask, I have noticed near where I live that school musicals, high school musicals have gotten really, really good. I mean, leagues beyond what I was able to do back in the day. Is that true in Kimberley, Idaho? Well, we are a small emerging school, so no. And that's how he got fired from his job. Well, Matthew, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each.

If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly and two of the limericks will be a winner. Are you ready to play? I am. Here is your first limerick. We fabulous folk are a twitter. Give us sparkles or we will grow bitter. We need little bits of bright, shiny glitz.

Tell us who has been hogging the... What we call in theater, because it's terrible on stage, it is like the STD of theater. We call it glitter. Yes! That's quite an analogy, Matthew. We are suffering a once-in-a-generation shortage of glitter because there's one anonymous person somewhere

who is buying up all the nightmare craft supply. This means no one knows where the majority of manufactured glitter is actually going, but I think we all know where the glitter goes. It goes absolutely everywhere. Is it really one person? Apparently, the plot thickened when, in an interview, a representative for GlitterX, which produces most of our glitter, was asked, who is your biggest buyer?

And she answered, you would never guess. Michael Bloomberg. He has the money. He has the resources. I think you nailed it one-one. He has the time. Maybe all the glitter in the country is also hidden next to Biden's Corvette. All right.

Very good, Matthew. Here is your next limerick. I admit I have hand-washing vices after seasoning pork or beef slices. My thyme and paprika are rife with bacteria. I contaminate all of my... Oh, God. Spices. Spices, yes.

all of my... Spices. Spices, yes. Scientists have finally figured out the grossest thing in your kitchen, and that is your spice jars. And that, it's even worse than the toilets that you're using as a charcuterie board because you saw somebody do it on TikTok.

This is so surprising. Who would have thought there was anything disgusting about a jar of something called meat rub? so surprising. Who would have thought there was anything disgusting about a jar of something called meat rub? It's the idea that it just gets crossed. Exactly. This is what they did. It's quite ingenious. They took some turkey meat and they sort of contaminated it with a special yet harmless bacteria that they can trace. And they handed it to people and they said, make turkey burgers. And they made turkey burgers in the kitchen according to a recipe. And then they went through the kitchen and they looked for the bacteria and they made turkey burgers in the kitchen according to a recipe. And then they went through the kitchen and they looked for the bacteria.

And they found high concentrations in the spice jars. Because people would like pick it up with their dirty meat hands and their dirty meat feet. And get it all over the spice jars. Wait, meat feet? Well, you know, some people get enthusiastic about turkey burgers. People need to wash their hands. Yeah. All right, here is your last limerick.

I need walking. Why aren't you home yet? Here's a pic. Does my nose still look wet? And emojis. How crude. Lots of bowl without food. Those are texts that I get from my...

Oh, I sure hope my pet isn't texting. She can't even talk to me. I know, it's a pet. Very good. At this year's CES, the big electronic show, a company unveiled amazing new technology that allows your dog to text you, they say. It's going to be a learning curve for dogs, though, who think SMH means sniff my hiney.

The new technology involves this device with buttons that dogs can allegedly use to tap to communicate different things. Things like ball or walk or you are going to be so amused when you see the x-ray of what I just ate. The technology costs $250 which seems

pretty steep to learn that yes, your dog would amazingly like a treat. You know what that's really for? The whole thing is a study to find out who has 250 extra dollars. Bill, how did Matthew do in our quiz?

Matthew's perfect score is the sound of music. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks so much for playing, Matthew. In our next bonus episode, a new quiz game we're calling the Wait, Wait, Wayback Machine. We are challenging a listener to answer questions about the week's news. Okay, sounds good. But these are questions that appeared on our show 20 years ago.

This candidate definitely needed help because he needed to seize the Jomentum. Oh, yes. You don't remember this guy? This is... Jomentum? I mean, I was a sophomore, junior in high school. Play along as you think to yourself, wait, wait, I've been listening to this show for 20

years? Sorry for any feelings of mortality that might bring up. That's in our next bonus episode. Sign up to hear it and support NPR at plus.npr.org. That link is in our episode notes. Now on to our final game. Lightning fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Emmy and Paula each have two. Peter has three. All right. So that means, Peter, you're third. And between Emmy and Paula, Paula, I will arbitrarily choose you to go first. The clock

will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, officials said there was no evidence that the computer error that grounded thousands of blanks was caused by a cyber attack. Airplanes. Right. Following a tentative deal, more than 7,000 striking blanks in New York announced plans to return to work. Nurses. Right. This week, the World Bank forecasted a high risk of a global blank coming in 2023. I don't know. Recession?

Yes. On Tuesday, Representative Katie Porter announced her intent to run for blanks Senate seat. Dime points. Right. This week, a conservative columnist who said her New Year's resolution was to, quote, shoot guns and watch football, unquote, blanked. Um, got shot? No, she

shot herself in the foot while watching football. Oh, gosh. On Monday, the Georgia Bulldogs beat Texas Christian University to claim their second straight college blank title. Uh, uh, uh, sugar bowl. Football. Football.

Football, yes. Yes, Paul. This week, a fire in Wisconsin caused a historic canal to be completely clogged with blank. Um, flame retardant. No, with melted butter. Oh! And what is definitely the most Wisconsin disaster of all time, a fire at a dairy plant caused melted butter

to flood the town of Portage, clogging up its historic canal and several storm drains. And arteries. Bill, how did Paula do in our quiz? Paula got five right, ten more points, total of twelve, and the lead. Oh, I got the lead. Gotta hang on to that.

Alright, Emmy, you're up next. You ready to play? Yes. All right. Here we go. Fill in the blank. On Tuesday, thousands of protesters took to the streets demanding tough punishments for the rioters who stormed blank's capital.

Our nations? No. Brazil. Brazil. All right. According to new data, China is on track to have over one million blank deaths in 2023. COVID? Yes.

This week, Russia announced it was replacing its military commander in the war with blank. Ukraine? Right. On Tuesday, Alan Wesselberg, the former CFO of blank's real estate business, was sentenced to five months in prison. Trump? Yes. On Monday, farmers in the U.S. won the right to repair their own blank brand farm equipment.

John Deere? Yes. On Wednesday, Russia announced it was sending a replacement capsule to rescue astronauts stranded on the blank. Moon? The ISS. Of course. Stranded on the moon would be amazing.

This week, guards at a prison in Canada said they apprehended a blank trying to smuggle drugs into the prison. A criminal. No, a pigeon with a tiny backpack full of meth. A pigeon with a tiny backpack. A pigeon with a tiny backpack. Officials say they've been trained to keep an eye out for drones carrying contraband over the prison walls, but they've never before caught a live bird smuggling drugs.

But that's probably because drug dealers are too scared the birds would steal the meth for themselves. I mean, why else would woodpeckers be up at two in the morning drilling thousands of holes into trees? Did I win? Bill, how did Emmy do in our quiz? Well, she did very well. It came close. Five right. Ten more points. Twelve, which means you're

tied with Paula. What an honor. Alright then, how many does Peter need to win? Five to win. Here we go, Peter. This is for the game. On Sunday, President Biden flew to El Paso to make his first official visit to the blank southern border. Right. On Tuesday, the Pentagon confirmed that Ukrainian

fighters would be trained on how to use the blank missile system. The one we gave them. Is it called Patriot? It is called Patriot, yes. This week, the National Weather Service warned of increased flood risk as more heavy storms hit, blank.

California. Right. This week, a woman in Chicago tried to return $800 worth of books that she had purchased over the holidays, explaining that she had blanked. Read them and they stunk. No, that she had only bought them

to make her house look nice for Christmas. Often hailed as one of the greatest modern guitar players ever, blank passed away at the age of 78. Jeff Beck. Golden Globes. Had sex in the house and actually called 911 while they were having sex. No. A couple robbed the home and then called 911 for help moving all the heavy items they stole.

Bill, did Peter do well enough to win? Came very close. Five right, ten more points, but a total of 13. The champion by one. Yay! Peter Gross. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists,

after those classified documents, what else will they find in President Joe Biden's garage? But first, let me tell you that Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeka, Ryser Limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman,

our tour manager is Shana Donald. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theatre, BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Normboss, and Lillian King. Special thanks this week

to Vinnie Thomas and Monica Hickey. Our frozen todger is Peter Gwynn. Our intern is Vaishnavi Naidoo. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller.

Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Dorothy and Dan Forth. Now, panel, what else will they find in Biden's garage? Peter Gross. George Santos' championship volleyball trophy, his MacArthur Genius Prize, and his NAACP Image Award.

Annie Blotnick A halfway decent Led Zeppelin cover band And Paula Poundstone A diorama Hunter made in the third grade A Kennedy half dollar A sock and kittens Well if any of that happens

panel we'll ask you about it on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me Thank you Bill Curtis, thanks also to Paula Poundstone Well, if any of that happens, panel, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Paula Boundstone, Peter Gross, Emmy Blodnick. Thanks to all of you for listening at home and to our fabulous audience here at the Studebaker Theatre. You're the best.

I'm Peter Segal. We'll see you next week. Thank you. This is NPR.