Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Hasan Minhaj

Episode Date: October 29, 2022

Hasan Minhaj, comedian with the new Netflix special "The King's Jester" and former host of Patriot Act, plays our game about former Patriot Rob Gronkowski. Joining him are panelists Helen Hong, Mo Rocca, and Shane O'Neill.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

Chicago used to be famous for Al Capone, who died in 1947, and then for Michael Jordan, who hasn't lived here for 20 years. We here at Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me are ready to take their place. Come to what will soon be known as the Wait, Waity City. Take the Wait, Wait Tour, which is basically an Uber ride to see us at the Studebaker Theater, and of course, get that t-shirt that says, I saw Wait, Wait live in Chicago and lived to talk about it, which isn't surprising because it's a public radio news quiz. It's a lot for a t-shirt, but the type is small.

More information is at nprpresents.org. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. No tricks here. It's all treats. Happy Billoween! I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in

Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill! Thank you, everybody! Thank you all so much! We have a great show for you today We do Later on comedian Hassan Minhaj will be joining us But first we need to congratulate

Our home city of Chicago This week Chicago was named The number one city in the country For rat population We have the most rats We are number one Now you may see that You may say this means Chicago is filthy. No, no, no. This just proves that the rest of the country is a sinking ship.

We'd love to welcome you on board, so give us a call. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Eric Kaczynski calling from Livonia, Michigan. Hey, Eric. Livonia's near Detroit, right?

Correct. Yeah, yeah. What do you do there? Well, by day, I'm a bonding agent in the city of Detroit. And in my free time, I play the alto horn, and I serve as the voice of the Slippery Rock University Marching Pride. Wow. The Slippery Rock University Marching Pride?

Correct. It's the marching band, but the mascot for Slippery Rock is a lion, so it's the Marching Pride. Oh, I get it. Like a group of lions. I understand the pride. There you go. So what sort of things do you, I mean, I've been to marching band competitions. And my understanding is that the announcer says,

and ladies and gentlemen, it's the Slippery Rock University Marching Pride. And then you shut up for 20 minutes. What else do you do? Well, you do introduce each song as it comes up. And then at the end, there's credit that we do. And, you know, this type of thing. Oh, okay. Because it wasn't like, oh, no, the tubas have tackled the nuts.

Anyway, Eric, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First, he's a correspondent for CBS Sunday Morning and host of the podcast Mobituaries. The third season is now available everywhere. It's Mo Rocca. Hello, Mo. Hi, Eric. I understand what you do, and I respect it.

Thank you. Next is a reporter for the Style Desk at the New York Times. It's Shane O'Neill. Hello, Eric. Hi, how are you, Eric? And finally, a comedian who will be at Hyena's in Fort Worth November 18th and 19th,

and whose comedy special, Well Hung, is streaming now. It's Helen Hong. Hi, Eric. Hi, everybody. Hi, Helen. So, Eric, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, the voice of anyone from our show you might choose.

On your voicemail, are you ready to go? This is going to be great. Let's go. Your first quote is from a climate activist on Twitter. Soup on sunflowers. Mashed potatoes on Monet. That is what the climate activists are throwing at what? That would be works of art. Yes, fancy works of art. Climate activists are throwing soup and mashed potatoes and other foods at priceless masterpieces like a Van Gogh or the Mona Lisa and this week a Monet to bring attention to

their cause. As you can imagine, this tactic has been massively successful in convincing people to fight climate change because it's like, I'm with you, person who wrecked my once-in-a-lifetime trip to see a thing of beauty. I heard about the Van Gogh painting. This was a couple of weeks ago, and they threw tomato soup on it. But the headline that I read didn't say that the art was behind

plexiglass. So I thought they had legit ruined this precious Van Gogh painting. And then I was like, well, which painting was it? And as long as it's not Starry, Starry Night, you know. Starry Night is big. You'd need

like a tureen of soup. Yeah. Yeah. The one that they did was a sunflower one and I was like, you know, not a huge fan. So I was like, whatever. I feel like mashed potatoes have the opposite problem of global warming. They always get so cold so quickly. Right.

It drives me crazy. They have a cooling problem. If we could somehow coat the earth with mashed potatoes, the problems would be solved. They need more CO2. The earth would be both saved and unappetized. At least one of the museums shut down for a week so they could reassess their security

that allowed these people to get in. What are they going to do? Install at the doors crock pot detectors? Or maybe they should get soup detecting dogs, which is just a dog. Or the protesters could hire my grandma, because when we went to the movies, her purse was stuffed full of snacks,

and she would talk her way into that theater every single time. Really? She could tell you why she needed soup in an art gallery. All right, here is your next quote. It's about a British man whose name is Rishi Sunak. The only way to go is up.

That was the Guardian newspaper talking about how easy it will be for Mr. Sunak to outdo his predecessors in what job? That would be British Prime Minister. Yes, the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Very good. Mr. Sunak is the third British Prime Minister in a matter of months. Everybody is talking about how rich he is. He is worth over 800 million dollars.

In fact, this is true. He is the first Prime Minister in British history to be richer than the monarch. It was really awkward during his ceremonial tea with the king when he was invited to form the government. He offered to pick up the check. Is he the first South Asian? He is. He is the first prime minister of Great Britain of South Asian descent, although he was educated at one of those elite British public schools, which are really private schools, and then he went to Oxford. And also the other thing about him that's interesting is he's really short. So it's someone for South Asian kids in England

who look up to and look down at. Wow. You said he's short? He's very short. How short? Well, he's short. He's 5'7". Okay, that's not that short.

I agree with you. A lot of people think that's a great... I myself am 5'7", and would stand up and tell the world that, but no one could tell. You're 5'7"? I am. I'm 5'7". I'm shorter than I thought. Yeah.

Oh! Shane! Only one of us has the courage to do this show standing up, I'll point out. So nice to be back here for the second and final time. What is it? He is, he is, so it's like, he is very short, so he makes the UK the only country on earth with both a short king and a king king. He's so short he has to live at nine and a half Downing Street.

And this is interesting. This was pointed out by a major newspaper that he is part of this weird, perhaps coincidental, perhaps not trend of short European leaders. Because there's him, there's Macron in France. He's quite short. There's Putin, of course. There's Mr. Schultz, who took over in Germany. It's gotten to the point the next G8 summit will be in the ball pit at Ikea. Here, Eric, is your last quote. Craving brains and hangry.

That was the Washington Post, which this week consulted half a dozen or more actual scientists to give us the truth about what? I didn't see this article. Well, it's a Halloween-themed feature. Who traditionally craves brains? Zombies. Zombies, yes, of course. That's right.

We're so glad that the Washington Post is taking on the creepy stuff, they've even changed their motto to, everyone dies in darkness. So they talked to all these real scientists about whether zombies could be real and why, if they were real, why they would be the way they are. A certified dietician told the Post

that classic zombie shamble, that could be caused by their all-brain diet, which contains zero carbs. That results in very low available energy. That's right. Zombies are into keto diets. That's why you also always see zombies

doing CrossFit. They're all like, bro. I'm curious about what instruments the scientists use to study this, because I would assume it would be like with their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns. Yes, exactly. That was a deep, deep cut. The cranberries are never far from my brain.

Bill, how did Eric do in our quiz? He was slippery rock strong. 3-0, winner. Eric, thank you so much for playing. Thank you, Peter. Bye-bye. Right now, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Shane, Virgin Australia

Airlines has announced a lottery. They're going to give its passengers a chance to win over $100,000 in various prizes. To enter the lottery, all you have to do is what? Stay on an airplane for 36 hours. No. Although it does involve being on an airplane. Stay on an airplane for 48 hours. Can you give me a hint? Well, before you agree to try this, you should probably find out who you will be sitting between first. Oh, just sit in the middle seat? Exactly. Oh, great. Yes. The middle seat lottery is giving away a fantastic prize every week until April, and all you have to do to enter is endure hours

of low-grade misery. Prizes that you could win by agreeing to sit in the middle seat and entering the lottery include a six-day cruise, an upgrade to platinum status on Virgin Australian, and a trip to the Australian Football League Championship game. But not the thing you really want, your own armrest. I was in a window seat on the way here today, and the woman in the middle fell asleep on my shoulder, so I think she won. Really? You think she's the lucky one? Yeah.

I actually felt bad. I wish I had a bosom that she could have fallen into. I'm so sure it's she. But I'm so phony. Yeah, I know. I felt so inadequate. She had dreams of snuggling with skeletons, and she woke up. I will say, this is a true story.

Well, I weigh about 300 pounds, and I was once in a middle seat, and I fell asleep, and I was awoken. I woke myself up because I was snoring so loudly and found a literal puddle of drool on my shirt. So I feel like the people on the other side of me deserve to enter to win $100,000. I know. I'm trying to

come up with a reaction to that that I don't have. Oh, so are the people on either side. I can imagine. Elbow room, back up, give me some elbow room. Back up, give me some elbow room. Back up, give me some elbow room. Coming up, we finally make it to the big time in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

Back up, give me some elbow room. Back up, give me some elbow room. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Shane O'Neill, Helen Hong, and Mo Rocca. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. Thanks, everybody. Right now, it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. This is Bradley Hodges from a tiny town called

Scrooge Pine outside of Asheville, North Carolina. Oh, I know Asheville. It's one of my very favorite places on this earth. What a great place. What do you do there? I am a treasure hunter by hobby. I'm sorry, a treasure hunter? Yes, absolutely. So does that mean you're like Indiana Jones and breaking into tombs and punching Nazis?

What does that mean? You know, on a good day, absolutely. Sure. But on an average day, on an average day of treasure hunting, it's more like hanging out with some of my best friends and solving ciphers and anagrams and other sorts of types of puzzles and finding buried treasures. That's amazing. Well, let's see how you do with our little puzzle, because Bradley, you are here to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Bradley's topic? Give me a

break. A big break. You know, in the old days, stars were discovered sitting at the soda counter at Traff's Drugstore. But they don't have soda counters anymore, and if you stay in a Walgreens too long, they'll have you arrested. So, this week

we heard about somebody who got their big break into entertainment in a really novel way. Each of our panelists are going to tell you a story about somebody getting their big break. Only one of them is true. Pick that and you will win our prize. The voice of your choice and your voicemail. Ready to play? Absolutely. All right.

Your first story comes from Helen Hong. A street performer in Times Square is crushing the game as a lifelike robot. Some might say a little too lifelike. Instead of painting himself in silver paint and making stiff, awkward robot movements, Tim Schmidt stands on a box in regular clothes and just acts like himself. When asked by a passerby what he's supposed to be, he answers, yeah, I'm a robot. A really, really good robot. The act is so cheeky, producers have approached Tim Schmidt with offers of a modeling contract and a YouTube series,

which has enraged more traditional robot performers. Man, that guy's whack. Does he have any idea how much a can of silver paint costs? No, he doesn't. The man becomes the most successful street performer in Times Square by just saying he's a very, very well-made robot. Your next story of a start to stardom comes from Shane O'Neill. Kentucky native Josh Nally forged a path to Hollywood by doing what he does best, literally nothing. Mr. Nally has posted over 350

videos pretending to be a dead body on his TikTok channel, Living Dead Josh. He's played dead in a park near his house, on the banks of the Salt River, at the Corvette Museum, apparently there's a Corvette Museum, and beneath a dining room table while his family enjoyed their Thanksgiving dinner. Nobody has done a more thorough job of auditioning for a non-speaking role maybe in the history of television, said Jason Tracy, CSI Vegas's showrunner, which gave living dead Josh his TV debut playing a corpse in a morgue. Such roles are usually played by inanimate dummies, but this scene required that ineffable lifelessness that only Mr. Nally can bring to his performances. Said Mr. Nally of his newfound stardom, I don't like speaking on camera, but I can lie there and act like I am dead pretty easily.

A guy gets so good pretending to be dead on TikTok, he gets a real job playing a corpse on a TV show. Your last story of an ingenue's entrance comes from Mo Rocca. It was one of the 20th century's longest-running conflicts. Only now has the Falkland Islands War come to an end. With the release of the last remaining Argentine prisoner, Corporal Agustin Magaldi had been held captive in the South Atlantic Island territory

for 40 years by a lonely all-male battalion of British guards. The desperately bored Brits had taken to staging musicals to pass the time. Last year, they decided to stage Evita, but needed a leading lady. Corporal Magaldi volunteered and wowed the British officers as a drag queen Eva Peron. Magaldi walked away with that year's coveted Stanley Award, given out by the very top theater critics in Stanley, the capital of the Falklands, for Best Actor in a Musical. He also won his release from prison when Prince Edward,

whose royal purview includes attending theater in the Falklands, proclaimed himself delighted. Now Magaldi, a self-described summer stockade trooper, is touring prisons everywhere as a drag ava peron next stop sing sing all right which of these is the true story of an unusual leap to stardom was it from helen a man who figured out that the best robots as a street performer would be one that didn't look like a robot from shane a man who got so good playing corpses on TikTok, he got to play one on CSI.

Or from Mo Rocca, a Falkland Islands prisoner of war who became a musical theater star. Which of these is the real story of stardom bestowed upon someone? I'm going to go with the one that I think is most believable. So I'm going to pick the man who plays a deceased person on TikTok. Alright, your choice then is Shane's story of the guy who got so good

at playing a corpse on TikTok that he actually got to play a corpse on television. Well, we are proud to tell you that we were able to speak to this newly minted star himself. I've played dead on TikTok for 321 days to land a role on a movie or TV show as a dead body.

That was Josh Malley, the dead body himself, who made his way on to CSI Vegas. Congratulations, Bradley. You got it right. You earned a point for Shane. You have won our prize, the voice of your choice in your voicemail. Well done, sir.

Treasure found. Thank you. Thank done, sir. Treasure found. Thank you. Thank you, Bradley. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And now the game where we ask people who've done a lot of really cool things

to do one thing that's lukewarm. It's called Not My Job. Hasan Minhaj grew up in an immigrant family where he was expected, of course, to be a doctor or a lawyer. So he had to keep his aspirations to be a comic secret. We assume since he's been a correspondent for The Daily Show, he's headlined the White House Correspondents Dinner and won a Peabody Award for his own show, Patriot Act.

They're okay with it now? Hasan Minhaj, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Oh, thanks for having me. It's great to have you. And before we get into what you've been doing of late, that's true, right? Your parents were not up for you being a comic. Yeah, they weren't really into it, but that's because they loved me. Right, exactly.

They wanted what's good for you. Yeah, they just wanted me to have a living, health insurance, you know, that's all. And you were like starting out as a comic. We heard this, that you were starting as a comic and you were keeping it secret from them until you got busted like with a car accident of some kind. Yeah, I was driving back home from a show and my car, my Nissan Altima hydroplane hit like a side median and the car was registered to my parents at home so they called my parents

and I had to call my dad. It was a very quiet car ride home. I was like, oh man, can you just unload on me now? It's the anticipation and the wait. That's the scariest sound from immigrant parents is the sound of silence. That's when you know you have really.

Yeah. Hello, darkness. My old friend, man. But at the same time, but at the same time, if my daughter crashed my car into a median and was like doing improv comedy, I'd be like, I'm so disappointed. That they might be like, I disappointed. Please don't do this. So I'm having this weird thing where I'm like, actually, you should be a physician. Go back. Why? Why would you do this? Why would you pick a career that's entirely based on whether or not people like you? It's a bizarre thing. I actually told, I've gone full circle. I get what they're...

Really? So you're a parent. You've talked about this in your act. Your children are still quite young, right? Yes. They're four and two. Four and two. Are you already pressuring them to go into a profession? No, but I'm... Look, for me, I'm just like, don't do anything that's subjective. Like, please don't do that. The arts,

comedy, all this stuff is... Yeah, it's... Right now, I'm performing for a live theater and people are like oh the guy from the daily show is not that funny like i have to perform i don't want them to do that do we think that rishi sunak's parents still want him to be a doctor oh i mean he already did great in investment banking so that counts yeah i've looked up the linkedin he's he was killing it on all counts i mean he's just killing it since age probably like 14 15 it's a life pretty great for him he's just killing it since age probably like 14, 15. It's annoying.

Life has been pretty great for him. He's just firing on all cylinders. And I think one of two things is going to happen. Either he's going to drive Britain's economy into the ground, which is a great form of karma. Indians, we love karma. Or he succeeds, in which case we've once

again proven that immigrants do the job better. So I think it's a win-win. Nice. Win-win. I think he's going to say drive into a million. I said this once and I'll say this again. Rishi, if you are listening, if you are a fan of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, are we bringing home the hardware or what? Are you bringing home the Koh-I-Noor diamond?

Are we robbing? Are the diamonds coming home? Why not, man? He's in charge of them, technically. Before we get to the game, I have one last question. So you're producing a Bollywood movie for Amazon. For those who don't know what, like, Bollywood style is, can you

describe it for us? So, when you go to college, there's a lot of South Asian and Southeast Asian kids that will compete in these competitive Bollywood dance competitions where you'll do a combination of various different types of dancing, Hindi film dancing, Bollywood dancing, classical Indian dance, crumping, break dancing, all sorts of all combined into one. And the take it very seriously. And really, it's just a way for hormonal teenagers to kind of fall in love while their parents aren't there but i i funny enough i met my wife she was

actually a bollywood girl and i kind of was a bollywood boy and i would do skits and i would do stand-up at these shows but it was really one of those things that really made us feel like rock stars for a moment. You know, even though we were going to end up working for McKinsey and helping fund a potential African coup for a couple of years, we got to be the superstars. It was amazing. So what is this show you're working on? So it's a movie about that. Oh, a movie about the world of

competitive bollywood dancing yes i haven't seen many bollywood movies they they feature every ever by the way every hollywood 10 is a bollywood 4 you understand i've got i've gathered that and every but every one i've seen i've seen a few they seem to end with the entire cast in the movie doing a big dance number together. That's not true. Not always. But but look, there will be dances. And what's cool is, is they got to do everything. Right. You've got to put the real multi-hyphenate. Yeah. You've got to be a stud. There's got to be love. There's got to be family. You've got to have green eyes like you're a cat. You're a guy. You have to really dance, not this

La La Land fake dancing. Real dancing. Oh! Yeah! Yeah, I'm saying it. Yo, yo. You're doing this by phone. Vertical movement. Yeah, real dancing.

I was with you until you went after Ryan Gosling, and now... Oh, really, Helen? You're talking about the dude that looks like he took too much Claritin and always looks sleepy? No, Helen. We are throwing down. That is true.

We gotta love ourselves. Write that in your notebook, Mr. Gosling. Well, Hasan and I, we were having too much fun, but we have work to do. We have asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling Patriot Act. Be the Patriot Actor.

You, of course, as we mentioned, hosted the show Patriot Act, so we thought we'd ask you about a Patriot Actor, specifically the film and TV appearances of former Patriots football player Rob Gronkowski. Answer two or three questions about the star of stage and screen, Gronk. Okay, just screen, just screen.

And you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, Bill, who is Hasan Minhaj playing for. Sarah Marks of Dallas, Texas. All right, here we go. One of Gronkowski's first TV appearances was in a commercial for Modell Sporting Goods. You can tell that Gronk doesn't have a lot of on-camera experience because in the commercial you can see that he hasn't yet learned what lesson. A, you don't need to reach up and grab the boom mic to keep it from hitting you. B, when you show the camera the shirt that you are there to sell,

you should hold it right side up. Or C, even if you close your eyes, the camera can still see you. I'm going to go with B. You're going to go with B. Yeah, maybe he just didn't understand the kind of the flip. You're exactly right. At the end of the ad, he holds out the new Gronk t-shirt they're selling over at Models, and he's holding it upside down. And keep

in mind, that's the take they kept. Next question. Gronk says he's now retired from football, going to devote himself to performance and other pursuits. But we have our doubts about that. Why? A, he once faked his retirement just to get out of being traded to the Detroit Lions. B, his Twitter bio currently reads future Dallas Cowboy. Or C, at the press conference last summer announcing his retirement, he kept turning to a second camera and winking. summer announcing his retirement, he kept turning to a second camera and winking. I believe it's A, because he did kind of wink, wink, retire, and then went to Tampa Bay, if I'm remembering correctly. So I'm going to go with A. You're exactly right. That's what happened.

In 2018, the Patriots called him and said, we traded you to the Lions. And he said, you can't trade me. I have retired. And then the next season, he came back and played again. So maybe he is a good actor. We don't know. I should have done that before I got fired from Office Max. Wait a minute.

You worked for Office Max? Of course. Welcome to Office Max. How can I help you take it to the Max? Oh, God. Were you required to say that? Every person that walked in. No.

And how and why were you fired? Well, he was going to get traded to Staples. Right. Okay, one more question. Here we go. So, Gronk's fame has led to a number of successful business ventures outside even of acting, including which of these? A. Gronkerade, a sports beverage made with the same chemical composition as Gronk's sweat.

B. Gronkersize, a series of exercise tapes which involves spiking footballs of varying weight. Or C. A romance novel called A Gronking to Remember. I feel like he's a romantic. I'm going to go with C, A Gronking to Remember. You're exactly right. A Gronking to Remember. What? Not only that, but customers who bought a Gronking to Remember

also bought a Gronking to Remember 2, Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone. Oh. Get out of town. It's all true. I was so sure that was fake that I would have bet all of Rishi, whatever his name is, money.

Yeah. Bill, how did Hassan Minaj do in our quiz? Hassan is in a rare category. He got them all right. Congratulations. Hasan Minhaj is an actor, writer, and comedian whose new special, The King's Jester, is on Netflix now.

Hasan Minhaj, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, everyone. Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye. for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, everyone. Thank you. Take care. Bye. In just a minute, Bill shakes up the wedding industry in our Listener Limerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more

of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Helen Hong, Shane O'Neill, and Mo Rocca. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill goes shopping for some fine rhymes and spirits in our Listener Limerick Challenge game.

If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. For right now, panel, though, some more questions for you from the week's news. Helen, Las Vegas has just voted to allow a new sports league in their city, one in which competitors will do what? Handball in extra short shorts? No. No, I need a hint.

It does involve hands. That's what he said. Before each round, the opponent says something fresh to you. Oh, slapping? Yes. What? They slap each other's faces. The Nevada State Athletic Commission voted last week in Las Vegas

that they would sanction the Power Slap League. It's a new league from the same people who run the Ultimate Fighting Championship. The sport is pretty much what it sounds like. Two competitors, men or women, take turns slapping each other as hard as they can. A winner is declared when one of the competitors feels really sorry for what they did. But it's not like MMA where you're like constantly. No, no, no. In fact, what happens is if you and I were doing it.

Yeah. Right? First, I guess the drawing of straws or something. Two goes first. I would haul back and slap you as hard as I could. And then I would step in. Because you're that kind of silver in the sky. And then there's no blocking.

Like you're not allowed to block. You have to stand there and take a full on slap. As a matter of fact, many people, particularly people who are experts and aficionados of the combat arts, think this is, let me get the exact quote, dangerous and stupid. I just think it's great for retired soap opera stars to have something to do in their retirement.

Yes, telenovela. There's a lot of slapping. Real housewives. You win when you get the other person to finally say, she's my sister and my daughter. Shane, a new study reveals that people are more likely to experience cognitive decline if they happen to have what? Bad balance.

Ooh. Interesting. That's probably true. Yeah. But also self-evident. Uh-huh. Well, the last thing that you'll be able to do with your full cognition is paint the nursery blue. Oh, if they're colorblind?

Oh, I'm sorry. That's what I was going to say. No, no, not that. The last thing they'll be able to do. Why would you paint your nursery blue? If you have a son? Exactly. Because I don't see gender.

I understand. That's great. I'm operating out of an out-of-date, antique, patriarchal conception of gender, for which I apologize. But nonetheless, it is apparently true that in a study of 13,000 parents over 50, it turns out the ones who had sons experienced cognitive decline more than those who have girls. That decline was even faster if they had the kind of son who does the quit hitting yourself thing. Yeah, it's true. They also did a study that if you don't have kids, you have tons of money. It's true. Lots of free time. Do whatever you like. Eat out. Helen, mathematicians have discovered an equation that they say finally unlocks the mystery of what? I'm sorry. I have a son and I can't. I understand. I need a hint, please. You

need a hint. They could call it the Cupid algorithm. Love? Yes, the mystery of true love. They figured out the math. What? It's a mathematical equation called the... It's one plus one equals two. Well, I don't know about that. If you're boring. Yeah. I mean, unless you're in a thruple.

Why stop there? Yeah. All right. Yeah. Keep going. No, I'm just mounting. It's an imaginary number. It's a mathematical algorithm called the optimal stopping theory.

Helps people find true love and also answers the question, what's the least romantic theory name possible? But basically, if you work it all out, it suggests that the optimal amount of people to date before you settle down with one person is nine. Nine people. Does this include Tinder hookups? Because I am way, way, way past that number. Yeah, what do you find stating? Yeah. It doesn't say, but I believe it is at least an attempt to find long-term romantic capability. Oh, no.

I'm good. Yeah, I was going to say, if they're just talking about, like, dating as I understand it, this is a very homophobic study. I'm sorry, I don't really have a full sentence here, but we're talking about love and math, so I'm legally required to say 69. And then, if I understand the current state of federal and state law,

I am required to say nice. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's a game where you have to listen for that rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call to leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924, or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. You can catch us live in person most weeks right here at the beautiful Studebaker Theatre in Chicago,

or come see us in Louisville, Kentucky at the Palace Theatre on November 17th. Paula Poundstone, Dulce Sloan, and Alzo Slade will be there, and they all want you to be their plus one. You can also catch the Wait, Wait stand-up tour coming to Raleigh, North Carolina, Tampa, Florida, and a bunch of other cities this fall. For tickets and more information, go to nprpresents.org. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, this is Peter McDevitt calling from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I love that place. What do you do there? So do I. Yeah, it's a great town. I work. It is. And I work for the city as the budget director for city council.

Oh, wow. So does that mean you handle all the money? Yeah, sort of. It's mostly wrangling my nine different bosses, all the different council members. Oh, wow. Now, does Pittsburgh have a sane and reasonable city government, or are they like insanely dysfunctional like they are here in Chicago? Well, they're all wonderful people, and they all care very deeply, but it is sort of like herding cats sometimes. I understand. They're wonderful cats, you have to

herd. Well, Peter, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly, two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play? I am. Here's your first limerick.

I get married in dark, tattered cloth. I'm less butterfly, more of a moth. Getting wed in bright white somehow doesn't feel right. In black lace, I am more of a goth. Yes, goth, yes. Got it. So at the New York Bridal Fashion Week show, it was black bridal dresses that were all the rage. It's part of the goth bride trend, perfect for anyone who wants their wedding day vibe to be funeral. If you think about it, this move away from white wedding gowns is a win for feminism. White wedding gowns are a patriarchal construct meant to signify a woman's purity. The new black dresses are a strong statement meant to symbolize the fact that the bride serves Satan, Prince of Darkness.

Black wedding day. I mean, that's always been the complaint, that you can't eat ribs in your wedding dress. Right. This is, you know, black is great. It's practical. You can spell red wine on it and still wear it to your spouse's funeral. Two for one. You bet.

Here is your next limerick tiny bubbles massage me oh gosh this contraption is incredibly posh when the cycle says spin it feels rough on my skin this machine here gives humans a watch yes scientists Scientists in Japan have developed a washing machine for people. It looks like a sealed pod with a dentist chair inside, and then they flood halfway up with soapy water, and you kind of hope you don't drown. To use it, you strip down,

you climb inside, you choose your setting. You got basic wash, you got luxury spa wash, or I just went to Burning Man's sandblast man. Does this work on toddlers? Wouldn't that be awesome? Yes, it would. I'm sorry, I'm not buying this machine until they have a dryer. Right. No, sadly, they don't have a dryer yet, so the problem is the machine's great, it's very quick, but then you have to hang from a clothesline for eight hours.

All right, here is your last limerick. Our sport isn't subject to fickle calls, and its upsurge is more than a trickle, y'all. What we need is more courts, so we edge out old sports, and now tennis is jealous of... Pickleball. Pickleball, yes, exactly right.

A nationwide feud, you probably know this, is growing between fans of tennis and pickleball. As the new sport, pickleball, is trying to take over tennis courts and become America's new top reason to grunt in a park. What I find weird is that pickleball is so popular right now. Yeah, it is. But my bald pickles are huge flops at every dinner party. It's strange, I don't know.

I get a melon baller, a nice bowl. Bald pickles. Bald pickles. Yeah! Bill, how did Peter do on our quiz? Three in a row. What a champ. Congratulations, Peter.

Thank you. Take care. Thanks for playing. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Shane and Mo each have three. Helen has two. Okay.

Can you give us the scores? Shane and Mo each have three. Helen has two. Okay. That means that, Helen, you are in third place, so you will go first. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank.

On Monday, officials in Ukraine said they were having success shooting down the Iranian-made blanks that are attacking cities. Missiles? No, drones. Oh. On Wednesday, same-sex blank became legal throughout Mexico. Marriage. Yes. For the first time in decades, blank rates rose above 7%. Interest rates. Missiles? No, drones. On Wednesday, same-sex blank became legal throughout Mexico. Marriage? Yes. For the first time in decades, blank rates rose above 7%.

Interest rates? No, mortgage rates. While promoting his new memoir this week, Bono was once again apologized for blank. Oh, forcing his album onto iPhones. Exactly right. Eight years ago, he's still saying he's sorry. After months of back and forth, Elon Musk finally purchased social media site blank. Twitter. Right.

After bathing for the first time in decades, an Iranian hermit who prided himself on being the world's dirtiest man blanked. Stayed dirty. No, he died. What? At the age of 94, though, the man was known as Uncle Haji

and he had refused to bathe or eat fresh food for his entire life. He believed that getting clean and eating healthier would make him sick, and apparently he lived to 94. He was right. The CNN story on his passing concludes with the least necessary sentence in the history of journalism, quote, Uncle Haji was unmarried. Bill, how did Helen do in our quiz?

She did three right, six more points, total of eight, and you are in the lead. All right. That's not bad. I will arbitrarily choose Shane to go next. So, Shane, you're up, fill in the blank. On Thursday, the UN said that the world was nowhere near hitting climate change targets set out by the blank accords. Paris.

Right. On Tuesday, John Fetterman and Mehmet Oz debated ahead of the election for blank's Senate race. Pennsylvania. Right. This week, jurors in Michigan found three men guilty in the plot to kidnap blank. The governor. Yes, Governor Whitmer. On Wednesday, Mercedes-Benz became the latest company to stop doing business in blank.

Russia. Russia. Right. This week, two mayors in the UK heading to a national conference in the country's struggling rail system missed the meeting because blank. The trains were late. The trains were canceled. On Thursday, Germany set up plans to legalize blank for recreational use. Marijuana. Yes.

On Wednesday, astronauts had to move the blank in order to dodge debris from a Russian satellite. Bowels. They're bowels. No, they had to move the International Space Station. This week, a man navigating a corn maze in Minnesota was hospitalized after he blanked. Had too much fun. No, after he shot himself in the leg

while trying to get a kernel of corn out of his boot. Emergency services had to be called to the maze after the man shot himself while trying to get some dried corn out of his boot. Okay, first, next time, friend, just try taking the boot off and shaking it. Second, can you imagine a worse place to call 911 than from the middle of a corn maze? Well, yeah, the guy was in stable condition, but then the EMTs got lost in the southeast corner, and now he's dead. Wait a

minute. You're telling me this happened in America? I am, Shane. As hard as it is to believe. Bill, how did Shane do in our quiz? Six, right? Yes. Twelve more points. Fifteen is a total that leads right now. Well done, Shane.

All right. How many, then, does Mo need to win? Six to tie means he needs seven to win. All right. Here we go, Mo. This is for the game. Fill in the blank. Following a number of anti-Semitic comments and posts, Adidas finally cut ties with blank.

Kanye West. Yes. On Monday, the Department of Justice announced charges against 13 alleged blanks from China. Spies. Yes. This week, a second woman came forward to allege that blank pressured her to get an abortion. Herschel Walker. Yes. On Wednesday, a judge

ruled that Mark Meadows must testify in George's investigation into blank tampering. Election. Right. This week, two men in California sued a marijuana company claiming that their product blanked. That their product was too good.

No, the opposite, that it did not get them high enough. On Tuesday, the San Francisco Bay Area was hit with a 5.1 magnitude blank. Earthquake. Yes, on Thursday, scientists announced that a newly discovered species of bacteria may be responsible for triggering blank. Um, uh, the munchies. Rheumatoid arthritis. This week, a thievery ring in Georgia was broken up after police followed

a trail of blank to their hideout. Um, M&M's. You are so close. It was candy wrappers. Well... But M&M's have no wrapper. They have their hard candy shell that does not count. Don't even try. The eight-man crime ring

was using the woods to transport stolen goods from house to house, confounding police, at least until they found a trail of Milky Way wrappers that led directly to the gang's hideout. The eight men tried to hide, but police found them immediately when one of them decided that that would be a good time to unwrap a Werther's original. Bill, did Mo do well enough to win? Oh, so close. Five right. Ten more points. His 13 is short of

Shane's 15. He wins. Shane wins. Shane, the hometown boy. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be this year's most regrettable Halloween costume. But first, let me tell you, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Aircraft Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager is Shane O'Donnell. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theatre. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles

Dornbos and Lillian King. Our production assistant is Sophie Hernandez-Simonides. And our intern is Special thanks to Our Betty Crocker homemaker of Technical direction from Our production manager is Our senior producer is

And the executive producer of Wait, wait, don't tell me Is Mike Daisy May Danforth Now playing a Wubblebee This Halloween's most regrettable costume. Shane O'Neill. Not just Senator Dr. Oz. Sexy Senator Dr. Oz.

Helen Hong. Kanye's publicist, who used to be Harvey Weinstein's publicist, but is now going to work for Ted Cruz. And Mo Rocca. A New York City rat holding up a we're number one

foam finger hey if any of that happens panel we'll ask you about it right here on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me thank you Bill Curtis thanks also to

Mo Rocca, Shane O'Neill and Helen Hong thanks to all of you for listening and thanks to you here at the Studebaker Theatre and everyone at home. I'm Peter

Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.