Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Insult Dogs and Emotional Support Alligators

Episode Date: June 13, 2026

This week, Legendary comedy writer Robert Smigel (and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) join panelists Josh Gondelman, Shantira Jackson, and Shane TorresSee pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for sponsorship and to manage your podcast sponsorship preferences.NPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Alzo Slade, filling in for no one. I am the filling. And here's her host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sego. Thank you, Alzo. Back home in Chicago. Thank you so much. We have a wonderful show for you today.

Later on, we're going to be talking to the legendary comedy writer Robert Smigel. He is also the hand up the butt of triumph, the insult comic dog. His latest project is a podcast where he and his friends give advice to non-fucky people on how to be funny. And no, we don't need his help. We're just visiting with him. We'd love to have a chat with you too. Give us a call. The number is 1-3-8-8-8-8-2-4.

If that's 1-88-9-24, let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait-Wait-wait, don't tell me. Hi, this is Emily. Dike House and I'm calling from Holland, Michigan. Holland, Michigan there on the opposite shore of Lake Michigan. We could walk outside and wave to you across the lake. What do you do there? So I actually work as an admin assistant and an occasional grant writer for a non-profit immigration legal office here in Holland and that is probably as, that's probably as stressful as it sounds. Yeah, I was about to, I mean, yeah, you probably didn't think that you'd be like.

I don't know, a warrior for good when you took that job. Well, welcome to the show, Emily. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, she's a writer and comedian who most recently wrote for Clean Slade. That's available on Prime. It's Shantira Jackson. Hi, Emily. Next, he's a comedian you can see in Portland, Oregon at Kickstand, July 18th.

And in Denver at Dude IDK Studio in July 24th and 25th, it's Shane Torres. Hi. And he is a co-host of the podcast, The Nightly, and we'll be performing at the comedy studio in Cambridge, Massachusetts on September 19th. It's Josh Gondelman. Hello. So, Emily, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Alzo this time? Alzo Slade is going to read you three quotes from this week's news.

If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show, you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I hope so. I've been listening to the show for years. so I'm so excited. Yeah, we're not going to do any of that material, though. So this is all new.

President Barack Obama. Here, Emily, is your first quote. It was heard in New York City Wednesday night. My mayor's Muslim, my bagels, Jewish, the Poles on our side, nicks in five. That was the chant heard across New York City. as for the first time since 1973, the Knicks were on the verge of winning what?

The NBA Championship. Yes, the NBA Championship. New York has fallen in love with this team with millions of New Yorkers discovering just this week that they are lifelong Nix fans. This has become a national story. Some say that's just because so much media is based in New York, but according to the media based in New York,

shut up, Roobes. Everybody is talking about all the celebrities who go to the Knicks games like Timothy Shalame and Spike Lee. But that's not fair. San Antonio has celebrities at their games, too. Timothy Shalamee and Spike Lee have been flying in for them.

I'm a big New York Liberty fan. That's my one New York team. The W&A.D.A.D.A.D. That's right. And every Liberty game, they show writer Fran Leibowitz on the Jumbo Tram. And everyone goes,

crazy. No, there's other celebrities too, but Fran is a mainstay. They're just so excited to see her. It's awesome. The finals have affected all of New York, even for people who don't follow basketball, traffic, non-existent during the games, you can walk into the most exclusive

restaurants in the city without a reservation, and of course, there's no better time to break into Timothy Shalame's house. I don't want anything out of there. Wouldn't it be fun though? Just to know you could wander around. Just wander around and find the skinniest pants. Oh, yeah.

This is true, by the way. Most people, very excited about the Knicks, except for June brides. And apparently it just got worse because now with the games going back to San Antonio for perhaps the deciding game on Saturday, all of those weddings are like in chaos. It's just like, who's going to be focusing on the wedding?

I mean, everybody's going to be a little teary-eyed at the, where's her father dance? I gave away my little girl in 20 grand. My sweet daughter, Kalshi. A beautiful name for a baby girl. All right. Here is your next quote. It's from a commenter in the New York Times on a story. The simplest explanation is usually the correct one.

People are staring at these at night instead of having sex. That was someone talking about two new studies that have finally proved that what technology has caused the birth rate to decline. Oh, my God. I feel like it's cell phones, but I also feel like that's way too obvious. It's way too obvious, but apparently it's true. Specifically, smartphones. Yes.

Oh, my goodness. Yes, new research has finally proved something people have long suspected. The arrival of smartphones in 2007 directly caused a significant drop in the birth rate. That is why so many since then have felt the sting of hearing, Not tonight, honey. I'm watching a miniature pony play the piano. Well, we have to be clear about how this happened, right? It's not like physiological.

Guys can be like, no, no, no, we don't need to use protection. I have an android. Honestly, that would work for some people. You have an Android? Some girls might not look up to you. This is how they proved it. At first, you may remember, only AT&T customers could get an iPhone. So researchers looked at places back then, which had AT&T coverage

and compared them to birth rates in places that didn't and discovered that when they had AT&T coverage, birth rates dropped. That's why AT&T initially offered the You'll never have a family plan. But I do think this is great because they can start using that in the advertising, right? Google Pixel, it's better than sex.

Reproductive health scientists, desperate to reverse this, you're trying to come up with a way to make sex as exciting as wordal. Oh, look, honey, we got it in two. For an NPR crowd, I don't know that they'll clear that bar. It's true. All right.

Here, Emily, is your last quote. Guys, it's just checks mix. That was a writer in Bloomberg News talking about how something new is just really the same old thing. Proving America has lost its genius when it comes to creating new what? I think I'm going to need a hint. Well, what is checks mix? What? It's a snack?

It is snacks. Yes. Oh, my God. America is the snack capital of the world, but apparently we have lost our sense of innovation and creativity. It's left us dreaming of the days when you'd be at the store and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, sour cream and onion? Bloomberg says we're in a crisis after the winner of this year's Powerhouse Snack Award,

there is one, was Hershey's Dot snack mix, a blend of pretzels, corn cereal, and pita chips, and garlic rye chips. In other words, yeah, it's just checks mix. They're just recycling old snacks and new packaging. This cannot stand. We need a Manhattan Project but for Fritos. You know it was getting bad when we all allowed flaming hot to be a flavor. Yeah.

Because neither one of those words is a flavor. That's right. That's bad. It's just the same. same thing twice. Yeah. And usually used in contexts that are not particularly appetizing, like how does that sore feel?

It's a real mountain dew code red, if you will. Well, this America punishes snack innovation. We shouldn't be surprised. IKEA had horse in their meatballs, and we shut that down right away. We punish innovators. It's really true. There's 85 different Oreos.

What more do we want? 86. Alzo, how did Emily do in her quiz? She was perfect, three out of three. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for playing. Take care.

Panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Shane, there's a health care trend in China that we hope at least will soon spread here. People are getting their medical exams and various treatments. Where? Airports. No. Stop. malls? No, I'll give you a hint. You do shots and then you get some shots.

This is genius. This is a bar. Oh my God. Bars. At a bar. Just go down to your local watering hole for a cocktail and a checkup, but not cheers. Because going where everybody knows your name is a HIPAA violation. It's just like a regular bar. You've got cold beer on tap. Maybe you got a dartboard. You got an MRI machine. Sure, it's not the best, maybe, not the best medical care available.

But, on the other hand, you are absolutely ready to go when it's time for the urine sample. I don't mean to tell tells out of school, but I know people in America who are taking prescription pills at bars. Yeah, exactly. Finally, those punching bag machines you see in bars, I got some bad news for you. But good news. We have something for you to hit already. Exactly. I mean, it's convenient, I guess.

I mean, once I got so drunk at a bar, I passed out, but I woke up, the bartender told me I had no polyps and didn't have to come back for five years. I mean, also, the one problem is, like, every doctor knows you're lying when you say, oh, just one or two drinks per week. These doctors, like, come on, you had two beers while I was taking your blood pressure. Yeah, that's how I keep it down, Doc. Coming up, our panelists give you some advice. It's our bluff to listener game call 1-ch-8 Wait-W-W-2 to Play. in a minute with more of wait, wait, wait, don't tell me.

From NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Alzo Slade. We're playing this week with Josh Gondelman, Shane Torres, and Shantira Jackson. And here again is your host

at the Studio Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Alzo. Thank you so much. Right now, it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, bluff the listener game call

one triple eight wait wait wait to player game in the air hi you are on wait wait wait don't tell me hi uh this is vanessa sanchez calling from the best city in the world chicago yes agreed what do you do here in this fair and fine city uh well i'm a mom of an 18 year old uh also a dog and cat mom i work at the amazing national museum of mexican art and on sundays i'm out on the chicago river practicing with a dragon boat team What is a dragon boat? That's one of those Chinese boats? Yeah, yeah. There's 20 people on the boat, and you are paddling as fast as you can to beat another boat if you're in competition. But it's just really fun, and it's a great time to just enjoy the Chicago River, which not many of us get to do.

That's true, because it killed so many of us. But it's better now. It's better now. Vanessa, welcome to the show. You're going to play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Alzo, what is Vanessa's topic? Words of wisdom. Words of wisdom. It can be hard to come by. I mean, you can only eat so many fortune cookies.

This week, we read about somebody who received some game-changing advice at the perfect time. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one of telling the truth. You win the weight waiter of your choice and your voicemail. You ready to apply? I think so. All right. Let's hear first from Josh Gondelman.

The year was 1980. Andrew Lloyd Weber was coming off a smash hit with his musical Evita. The world was his oyster. He could have it all. drugs, parties, actual oysters. But, according to a forthcoming memoir, Weber had two problems. First, a mysterious pain in his knee. And second, he knew his next show needed to be populated by non-human characters,

but he couldn't figure out which animals to spotlight. At his doctor's office, Weber found himself lost in thought, and I do incredible impressions. What creatures on God's green earth can prowl the stage, embodying the themes of class, glamour, religion, sort of, and for some reason, railways. His reverie was interrupted by a recommendation from his physician. I think we'd better do a cat scan, said his osteologist, Dr. Grisabella. That's it, Weber exclaimed.

Cats can! Cats can do it all! And the rest was history. Cats went on to be a massive success, despite no one being able to follow the plot even a little. Angel Lloyd Weber figures out his next mega hit when he gets a cat scan your next story of some good guidance comes from Shantira Jackson.

Fresh off of winning his first Oscar, actor Michael B. Jordan was recently invited to play golf with friend and colleague Samuel L. Jackson. Throughout all 18 holes, Michael B. Jordan watch Samuel L. do the two things he enjoys most in his free time, hitting golf balls and saying the F word.

In an interview with Time magazine, Jordan explained how before teeing off, instead of shouting four, Samuel L. likes to yell things like, you got to take a mother bleeping shot like it's a mother bleeping hole in one. By whole 10, Michael B. Jordan realized that though laden with expletives, everything Sam was saying was brilliant life advice. You should go where you're bleeping supposed to. And sometimes thinking too mother bleeping much gets you in your mother bleeping head and messes up your mother bleeping game. Michael B. Jordan has stated that he'd left that.

golf match, not only knowing how to be a better golfer, but also how to be a better artist and a better friend. Michael B. Jordan gets life advice just from listening to Samuel Jackson played golf. And your last advice column comes from Shane Torres. We've all sent a text message to the wrong person before. Just last week, I meant to text my girlfriend something flirty and romantic, but instead it went to my best friend, and now he thinks I want to shower with him. But this week we heard about how an accidental text was the key to movie magic. In the middle of filming Disclosure Day, a movie we all know exists, whether we like it or not.

Actor Josh O'Connor says he got some of the best acting advice ever in a text from Mr. Stephen Spielberg. O'Connor didn't know how to play a certain scene until he got a text from Spielberg saying, The Doors on the latch, just push. According to O'Connor, it, quote, unlocked the whole scene for me. It's genius. but it wasn't actually genius. It was a tech Spielberg meant for his wife who apparently doesn't know how to open a door.

The advice to help to O'Connor nonetheless, and that story is a testament that directing might not actually be that hard. Okay. So here are your choices, Vanessa. From Josh Gondleman. From Josh Gondleman, how, Andrew Lloyd Weber,

excuse me, Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber, got the idea for cats from a cat scan. From Shantira Jackson, how Michael B. Jordan got valuable life advice just by playing golf

with Samuel L. Jackson. And from Shane Torres, how the actor and the lead in Steven Spielberg's new movie got brilliant advice from Spielberg in a text that wasn't even meant for him. Which of these was the real story of unexpected

but life-changing advice in the news? This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Wow. Just because I am a cat mom, I'm going to go with A and Andrew Lloyd-Weber. You're going to go with Josh's story of how Angela Lloyd-Weber knew that his next big musical would be about some animal. Didn't know which one. No, then I will go. I'll go with B then.

You're going to go with B. The second story you heard. I'm sorry, that is Shantira's story of how Michael B. Jordan went golfing. Well, to bring you the real story, here's actually the person who got that fabulous advice. I received this text from Stephen saying,

The door is on the latch, just push. And it unlocked the whole scene for me. That was Joshua Connor, speaking on fresh air about the wise text he accidentally got from Steven Spielberg that led to his acting breakthrough.

I'm so sorry, Vanessa, but as you heard, Shane had the real answer. You did earn a point, though, for Shantira for her uplifting story about Samuel L. Jackson swearing. Thank you so much for playing. Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. And now the game we call Not My Job.

Robert Smygel has been one of the funniest people in comedy for decades, but you probably wouldn't recognize him because he's usually just off-camera from his alter ego, triumph, the insult comic dog. He's also written for Saturday Night Live, late night with Conan Bryan, many movies, TV shows, and in his new podcast, he helps non-fucky people be funny. Robert Smygel, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Great to be here. It's so great to have you. Well, I'm a big fan of the show. I really am. Well, thank you, and I'm a huge fan of yours. In fact, I was amazed to discover just this week

that you're not really a brilliantly successful sketch and comedy writer, producer, performer. You are a failed dental student. Oh, is that? Yeah, big time failure. Yeah. And another thing I found out was that your father was, and I don't know if ever said this phrase before,

a legendary dentist. He was, he was. He dwarfs my achievements in comedy, I have to say. He's like the Steve Martin of dentistry. He's like, he sort of developed the tooth bonding technique, and he went from there and revolutionized dentistry, and I'm very proud to be his son. Of sure, but you...

It sounds like your dad made dentistry sexy. He did. He made it. He made it. And I'm making comedy gross. You actually tried to follow in his giant footsteps. I did, I did. I mean, I had no idea that I could succeed in comedy or television.

It just seemed ridiculous at the time. But it was all I was ever good at. When did you first know you were funny or could at least be funny? Oh, my God. I mean, when I was like four or five, I could draw really well. So I could draw Fred Flintstone and Snoopy. and then probably a couple of years later, I started drawing them having sex.

Wait a minute. I'm seven years old. I'm trying to make my friends laugh. Give me a break. They didn't have smartphones. No, yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

For those who don't know, I want to turn to triumph, your alter ego. Again, I just found that this week that apparently you and your wife discovered Triumph or the first version of Triumph at some sort of knick-knack shop or antique store. My wife and I, we were newlyweds. Or actually, we were at furniture shopping. And there was this quaint little store called Mables in Manhattan.

And they had an even quaintor rack of puppets, rubber puppets that were just animal heads. You know, there were dogs and cats, and there was a sheep. and there was, you know, an owl. So I just grabbed a doghead, and I was so amused by how realistic it looked that I put it on my hand and immediately sniffed my wife's shit with it. Yeah, well, as you would, as he would.

In the middle of the store. And, of course, she laughed, and that's why we're still married. All he's your time. So you've been doing Triumph for so long. Does he have, like, his own personality? They're like, are there things that, like, triumph will say,

but you could never bring yourself to say? Well, I mean, he would probably insult your show, even though I'm a big fan. Right. For example. Oh, my God. Whoa. Hello.

Oh, this is so exciting. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Hey, did your audience know that, wait, wait, don't tell me. It's not only a beloved NPR quiz show, but it's also the game NPR employees play when they're guessing if they're still employee. Oh, yes. Sorry, I only got one joke.

It's NPR. You guys don't pay well. I was both terrified and hoping that would happen. So nice to see you. Triumph. Do people actually ask, like, oh, Robert Smigel, can triumph, if you will, dump on me? I mean, I look in the mirror every morning

and I'm bored. I wish Triumph was there. Sure. What would Triumph say if he was roasting you? He'd probably borrow a line from Don Rickles and say, It's over, Rabbi, give it up for it. I want to ask you about the new podcast, which is like an amazing idea, humor me.

Yes. So, well, why don't you describe it? So my wife actually came up with this show. It's called Humor Me with Robert Smygel and Friends. And every week, we have people who have called in, left a message and they need help with some sort of task they have. We had one guy who had to make a eulogy for a father-in-law that he hated and needed advice on how to make, he wanted to insult him and be tasteful. And we had one woman who wanted to break up with her mom group in a way

that would not make them laugh and not feel offended, but still get her out of the mom group. I'm obsessed with the idea of triumph the insult eulogy dog has anything ever happened in the episodes that you've done so far you've said to somebody this would be great this is going to kill the eulogy whatever it may be and it's an utter disaster that never happens that's great well Robert smigel it is a joy to talk to you but we have asked you here to play a game that this time we're calling insult dog, meet service dog.

So, your alter ego triumph insults people for a living. So we thought we'd ask you about dogs and other animals that help people, service animals. Answer two to three questions about these helpful creatures in vests, and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might like from our show, including Bill Curtis, if they like, on their voicemail. Also, who is Robert Smygel playing for? Mary Beck of Brian Texas. All right.

Here's your first question, Robert. One of the most famous emotional support animals was Wally the Emotional Support Alligator. True story made news when Citizens Bank Park and Philly would not let his owner come in with him. What ultimately happened to Wally the Emotional Support Alligator? A, he signed an endorsement deal and is now the MetLife Insureigator. B, after a peaceful death of natural causes, he is now a set of emotional support luggage. That you can take on a plane. No, yeah, that's true.

Or C, somebody reported a loose alligator to the authorities he was duly picked up and released in a swamp in Georgia and hasn't been seen again. My goodness, this is a hard one. It is. Emotional support luggage sounds so believable. It does. But I'm going to go with C.

You're right, Robert. Yes. Somebody kidnapped him from his enclosure, left him someplace else. Somebody saw him there called the Department of Natural Resources. They picked him up, and they brought him back home to a swamp. And as far as we know, he is still there living his best life. All right. Here's your next question.

Sometimes real service animals can cause problems, as when which of these happened just a week ago, A, a seeing-eye dog in Arizona got a whiff of a female dog in heat and dragged its owner into a canal. B, a service dog in an American Airlines flight had, quote, an accident on the plane, causing human passengers to become ill and forcing an emergency landing. Or C, a service dog with an undiagnosed condition gave mange to the entire South Carolina State Senate. Wow. Yeah.

I'm just going to go with B. It just seems the most believable. It is, in fact, B. I wanted to believe A. I know, but it was B. They had to make an emergency landing and had emergency crews rush the plane and the only emergency guys rushed back out going,

all right, last question, go for perfect if you can. A service dog, who was being trained to detect sudden changes in blood sugar was taken to the vet for a checkup and this dog alerted to the veterinarian herself. What happened next? A, the vet was diagnosed with type A diabetes just in time to save her life.

B, it was discovered the dog couldn't sense blood sugar at all. It just happened to like white coats. Or C, the vet got busted for bringing donuts to work, but not sharing them with her coworkers. Well, it's got to be A. No, I'm sorry the answer was actually. see the dog detected the secret donut. Oh, that's amazing.

Isn't that something? God bless these dogs. Also, how did Robert Smigel do in our quiz? Not that bad. Two out of three. That's pretty good. That's all you need, right? That's all you need, one. That's all you need.

That's right. Robert Smigel is a writer, comedian, the creator of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. His new podcast, Humor Me, which is both hilarious and sometimes kind of moving, is out now. Robert Smigel, what a joy. talk to you at Bar-Lash. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being in the show. Take care.

In just a minute, Alzo tells you why you shouldn't mess with squirrels in our listener Limerick challenge. Call 1-8-W-W-W-W-W-T-W-W-T-W-T-Long to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more. Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, from NPR. From NPR, and WB-B-B-E-Z Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Al-A-S-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W. I'm We're playing this week with Shantira Jackson, Josh Gondelman, and Shane Torres. And here is your host at the Student Baker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sago. Thank you, Alzo. Thank you so much, everybody.

There's just a minute. It finally dawns on Alzo that he has signed himself up to read Limericks forever. It's our Limerick challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-3-8-8-8-8-8-2-8-2-4. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Shane, according to the Guardian, it may be outdated and unnecessary to do what every day? Bave? He said, hopefully.

No, not bathe. Oh, can I get a hint, please? Sure, it's like goodbye, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Hello, constant random grazing. Is he snack? I'm sorry. The traditional advice, traditional standard,

may not be appropriate anymore. The nutritional standard of... Eat three square meals a day. Exactly right. Experts are saying we no longer need three meals a day. That's because science says we need six meals a day, right?

Right? According to some experts, it's better to, quote, embrace culinary spontaneity, unquote. Follow your body's instincts and follow whatever regimen works best for your health. That's why, since I'm

I heard this news. I've given up three square meals a day. I just eat one six-foot-long sub once a week. And then I lay around motionless for four days like a snake. Culinary spontaneity is like a very beautiful phrase for shoveling something into your mouth over the sink. Exactly. This is also just girl dinner. Girl dinner?

Yeah. All right. Explain to me, Chint here. Girl dinner is when you piece together whatever you want for dinner. So, like, for me, a girl dinner dinner would be fries that I get from, like, a restaurant, 24 Oreos, and then, like, a shot of vodka. That's girl dinner. You just went to a 7-Eleven. Sometimes there's briefed.

Ooh. Ooh, la-la. The whole wheel, though, no slice. The whole wheel? You just pick it up? Yeah, that's a girl dinner. Shantir, a legendary movie star John Chavolta, has announced that because

quote, men can have fun too, he has now started to do what in public? Frolic. Frolick. He's going to gamble. Yeah, he's going to skip around. He is. That'll be very exciting to see. No, that's not it.

Can I have a little hint? Yes. In this, he is just like countless French artistes and also Che Guevara. Okay. He's wearing a beret? Exactly. He's wearing berets.

A picture of John Chavolta on the red carpet at Cannes went viral because of his beard and his beret, both dyed dark black. He says that he is now directed his first movie. He had looked up images of classic Hollywood directors and many of them were wearing berets and also men should be able to have fun with. their fashion, which is a lot of things to say instead of the simple two words, I'm bald. Yeah, that's the mistake. You've got to pick a signature hat before the hair is gone. Exactly. Then nobody knows what's going on under there. Exactly. You're right.

Wearing a beret is the same thing as frolicking. That is, yes. If you're standing there, motionless, but you have a beret on, you're frolicing. You are. You don't even have to move. Look at all the fun that guy's having, stone face. You're either frolicing or you're like a super like Black Panther Revolutionary. Yeah, that's true. Because they weren't doing no frolicing back then.

That's true. And who knows which one John Travolta is? He's a Scientology revolutionary. I mean, to be fair, it's his life. He can do what he wants. I mean, once he was a matinee idol, now he wants to look like a substitute

theater teacher who owns just the meanest little dog. It's his life. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-3-8-8-8-8-8-8-2-4. That's 1-88-9-24. You can catch us most weeks right here at the Studio Baker Theater in downtown Chicago. Come see us on the road. We'll be in Milwaukee on July 9th and in Sonoma County, California, on July 30th.

Fordick us an information to all of our live events, go to NPRPresents.org. Hi, you're on Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me. Hi, Peter. This is Vanessa, calling from Charlestown. Massachusetts. Charlestown, I know it well. What do you do there? I am a public school kindergarten teacher. You are the best. Let me ask you some advice. I believe it or not in the fall. I'm about to send my little son Elliot to kindergarten for the first time. Is there anything you would like me to either let him know or

prepare him in some way so as to make the kindergarten teacher's life easier? You know what? Just have a good time and be his little self. That's all that matters. I will relay that message, Vanessa. Thank you. I just felt like she was talking to me. You just know. Well, Vanessa, welcome to our show. Alzo Slade is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limerick, you will be a winner. Ready to play? Sure I am. Here's your first limerick. Strong drinks, I am not in the thrall of, but a dirty martini we all love. So I

I will not pass on a tall highball glass filled with soda and brine anon. I need a clue. Do you know what a... My briming should be better for kindergarten. You'd think. Dirty martini is a strong clue. You know what a dirty martini is? Yeah, olive.

Yes, it's olive. Every summer has the song of the summer. Every summer has the drink of the summer, and according to the internet, which is never wrong. this year's drink is a glass of ice, soda water, and the brine leftover from the olives. That's what it is. You're all drinking it, whether you like it or not, it's the drink of the summer. Didn't you hear me say that? People, you know, they called the dirty Shirley a couple summers ago, right?

It was like a Shirley temple with alcohol. Olive brine and soda, that's the real, that's the nasty Shirley. That's the filthy Shirley. You know, you can also clean your tires. Olive, brine, and soda. All right, very good. Here is your next lemurik. Brother squirrel, I think that you scammoth.

Giant beasts in your cheeks will not crameth. If you are so famished, just make a nut sandwich. No way you could eat, woolly. Mammoth? Wally mammoth, yes. Scientists were able to extract DNA from ancient squirrel feces. something these scientists did voluntarily and discovered that back in the Ice Age

squirrels ate mammoth meat and saber-tooth tiger meat. It's true. Wow, how the mighty have fallen. You used to eat mammoth. I just saw you eat a bagel out of a dumpster. Have some dignity. There's another finding, too.

This is a little terrifying. It finds out that even after tens of thousands of years, the ancient squirrel feces still stank. According to one research, quote, I did not think 700,000-year-old poop would smell anymore, but it was intense. Can you imagine how difficult things were back then? Like, somebody lied to match.

We can't. We've never invented fire. I don't understand the premise that something would smell better after 700,000 years. That's not how smell works. For real. Like, have you smelled a grandmother? My grandma smells good.

Sure. Had all of them, you know. Here is your last limerick. More than 5,000 years he's been dead. Mountain ice was his chilly deathbed. Dormant biomes we found for a crusty baked round. We have harvested yeast to make... Bread?

Yes, bread. Atsi, the Iceman, is a 5,000-year-old caveman who is so well-preserved. He still has living microbes. his stomach. And this week, researchers at Italy's Institute for Mummy Studies, which, shockingly, only sounds like we made it up, announced they had taken those microbes and made sourdough bread out of them. The scientists say the dough is, quote, very, very good, but I don't care how good bread is. If somebody you're sharing it with says, and while we're at it, whose milk is the butterfront? We're talking about American snacks falling behind. This is what

we're talking about. Alza, how did Vanessa do in our quiz? Grade A for our teacher, three out of three. Congratulations. Well done. Thank you. Enjoy your summer break. Thank you, Peter.

Thank you, everybody. Now onto our final game, Lightning, fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Alzo, can you give us the scores? Yes, I can. And Shantira and Josh are tied at two with Shane in the lead for three. Okay.

Shane, you're in the lead. Shantira and Josh are tied for second, so we'll just arbitrarily choose Josh to go first. Okay. Here we go, Josh. The clock will start when they begin your first question, fill in the blank. On Thursday, Trump threatened to seize Karga Island from Blank.

Iran? Right. On Friday, private space company, Blank, held their much anticipated IPO. SpaceX. Right. This week, defense officials say a false alarm led to the blank being locked down. The Pentagon?

Right. On Thursday, the 2026 blank kicked off with a game in Mexico City. World Cup. Right. This week, the UK government issued a warning to supermarket shoppers that their migraines may be triggered by what? Cheese? Yes, very good. On Wednesday, streaming music giant blank said it had removed tens of thousands of phony podcasts from their app.

Spotify? Right. On Tuesday, tennis grade. Plank played her first match in almost four years. Serena Williams. Right again, just in time for America's 250th birthday celebrations, a giant American flag in Connecticut blanked. Caught fire.

No. Blew into some utility lines and cut power to 40,000 people. A 3,000 square foot. A metaphor. Yes, got blown into some utility lines and cut off power to over 40,000 people in Connecticut who were assured that this was not. fact, a symbol of anything.

It took almost a full day to get the flag untangled, but that's only because emergency workers had to keep saluting the whole time. Also, how did Josh do in our quiz? It was impressive. He got seven right for 14 more points, total of 16. All right. I'm not going to do that. Well, we don't know. Okay, Shantir, you are up next, fill in the blank.

On Thursday, John Healy, the defense minister of blank, resigned. Education. No, the defense minister of education. This is America. The United Kingdom. This week, a new government study recommended limiting blank consumption to one drink a day. Alcohol? Right.

According to new filings, the Trump administration will spend over $60 million to host a blank fight at the White House. Oh, UFC. Right. This week, a man in Canada was charged after it was revealed he had been blanking for 17 years without a license. Driving? No, piloting airplanes for Air Canada. So on Monday, Apple introduced a new AI-powered version of their digital assistant, Blank. Chat GPT?

No, its digital assistant is Siri, citing concerns that might make people seriously ill. A grocery store in New Zealand pulled a chicken dish called blank off their shelves. Mr. Chicken. No. It was called Death by Chicken. The grocery store sent out an advisory to customers warning them that they were recalling their delis pre-made death by chicken. sandwich for being undercooked and therefore dangerous. Listen, say what you want about the recall, but the people who bought death by chicken

cannot say they were not worn. The problem is it's not strong enough. Exactly. It's not called mild illness by chicken. Alzo, how did Shantira do? Well, Shantira forecasted that she wouldn't do as well as Jocelyn. She undersold herself. She got two right for four more points.

It's total of six. Listen, you can't be upset. I told you what was going to happen. You did, you did. You did. You did. You did not lead a song. You were correct.

Alzo, how many does Shane then need to win? Seven, Shane. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. This is for the game, fill in the blank. On Tuesday, Bill Gates testified before Congress about his relationship with blank. Jeffrey Epstein. Right.

For the first time in years, the U.S. blank rate rose above 4%. Inflation. Right. This week. Cryptocurrency blank fell to $60,000 each. Bitcoin? Yes.

On Wednesday, severe blanks caused over 1,000 flight delays across the Midwest. Severe thunderstorm? Yes. This week, a couple in Tennessee were brought to the hospital after their food truck, which was named Blank, exploded. Death by chicken. No. Their food truck was called TNT Tacos.

On Tuesday, NASA unveiled the crew who, would be on the next mission to the blank. Moon? Yes. This week, scientists at Texas A&M University come up with a clean and efficient way to clean up oil spills at sea simply by using blank.

Caveman gut bio. No. By using fire tornadoes. So if an oil spills at sea, you can either let it spread to the coastline, that's bad, or you can set it on fire, which is just as bad because of all the pollution. But researchers have shown

that if you can set it on fire and then spin the floor, with massive winds into a giant fire tornado. It solves the problem efficiently. It takes less time with less pollution. Sure, it also implodes the whole world, but it looks sick as hell. Also, did Shane do well enough to win?

Oh, not quite. You got five right for ten more points total of 13, which means Josh Gondelman wins. Yay, Josh Gondelman. In just a minute, our panels will predict. What'll get the birth rate back up? Now that we know it was smartphones that destroyed it.

But first, let me tell you all. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WB EZ Chicago in association with urgent hair cut productions Doug Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Godica writes our limericks, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our tour manager, Shane Adonnell,

thanks to the staff and crew at the Studio Baker Theater. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles, Noroboss, and Lillian King. Special thanks to Blythe Robertson. Gwyn is 7 foot 4. Emma Choi is our visual host.

Technical direction is from Lorna Whiteer. CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilog. And the executive producer, wait, wait, don't tell me, is Michael Danforth. Now panel, how will we get the birth rate back up? Shantira Jackson. If the Knicks win, we should probably see some babies in about nine months. Shane Torres.

Bill Curtis, sexy fireman count. It would work for me. Josh Gondelman. Three words, oyster-flavored spin drafts. And if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Alzo Slay. Thanks also to Josh Gallum and Santerra Jackson and Shane Torres. Thanks to our fabulous audience here at the studio-based theater in beautiful downtown Chicago, Illinois.

Thanks to all of you for listening wherever you might be. Peter Sagan, we'll see you right here next week. Is NPR.