Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Jane Kaczmarek

Episode Date: August 28, 2021

Jane Kaczmarek, who played Lois on Malcolm In The Middle, plays our game called "Malcolm in the Middle, meet Finger in the Middle." She is joined by panelists Paula Poundstone, Josh Gondelman, and Maz Jobrani.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Filling in for Bill Curtis, I'm Shioki Iansen, the voice of the NPR credits, and the man who makes you wish fidelity insurance was infidelity insurance. who makes you wish fidelity insurance was infidelity insurance. Now here's your host, a man who shot for the moon, but landed among us outdoors at Tanglewood in Western Massachusetts. It's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Joki. Thank you, everybody.

Thank you all so much. It is great to be back at beautiful Tanglewood in the great outdoors in front of an audience of thousands of ticks and mosquitoes. Some people are still a little worried about having these big gatherings, but don't worry. We are pretty certain the Delta variant is canceled out by Lyme disease. Later on, we're going to be talking to Jane Kaczmarek, a very serious actress, famous for the not very serious show, Malcolm in the Middle. But now it is your turn. The number to call to play our games is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, Peter and Kiyoki. It's Stephanie calling from Seattle, Washington. Hey, Stephanie. How are things in Seattle? Well, I will tell you, they're overcast, but I'm about to get a bigger applause because I'm actually from, born and raised, the Tanglewood adjacent town of Pittsfield, Massachusetts. You know how to suck up. I admire that. Well, welcome to the show, Stephanie.

Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, he'll be performing at the Las Vegas Laugh Factory on Labor Day weekend and the Wilbur Theater back in Boston on October 1st. You can find more info at mozzjobrani.com. It's Moz Jobrani. Hi, Stephanie. Hi, Moz. Next, he is a writer and producer for Desus and Mero on Showtime and the host of the podcast Make My Day.

It's Josh Gondelman. Hello. Hi. And finally, you can hear her every week on her podcast, Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. You can see her October 2nd at the Athenaeum Theater in Chicago and October 7th at Town Hall in New York. It's Paula Poundstone. You can see her October 2nd at the Athenaeum Theater in Chicago, and October 7th at Town Hall in New York. It's Paula Poundstone! Well, welcome to the show, Stephanie. You're going to play Who's Chayuki? This time,

Chayuki Iyansan is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I am ready. I'm in position. Okay. Here's your first quote. Comirnity.

Comirnity. That was the new name of a drug finally given official approval by the FDA this week. Comirnity is the new official name of what drug? The COVID vaccine? Yes, Stephanie. the COVID vaccine. I've never heard that. Now that they have official FDA approval, Pfizer has celebrated by naming their COVID vaccine,

giving it a real name, and they chose the name Comirnaty. Pfizer says that the word is a combination of the word community and the edible their CEO took right before coming up with it. So remember, Comirnaty. Ask for it by Nerm. Honestly, even in an industry known for its ridiculous stupid names, that is a stupid name. Why don't you just call it

something, you know, punchy, like the COVID vaccine? Or if you want to be playful, how about this? Plan A. Well, I feel like with, you know, like antidepressants, you get names like Abilify. So this should have a name that tells you what the drug does. It should be called like, go out again. Live to 2022. Huggies. That's already been used. I wonder how many names they had to go through. I mean, did they, like, co...

Do you know what the nitty comes from? It's actually, to be slightly more serious, it's community. And then there's MR, which is for the mRNA technologies. No, that's not right. The mer is from frankincense and mer. Right. Is that what's in there? Yeah. Yeah. It really what's in there? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It really is a gift then. Yeah. That's so nice. It was going to be called Frankity. Meanwhile, and this is the thing, instead of this highly effective, now officially approved vaccine, anti-vaxxers are taking, and this is true, a horse dewormer.

De-wormity. Exactly a horse dewormer. Dewormity. Exactly. Dewormity, yes. I've heard of it. People are making fun of them, but it's a much better thing. Instead of what they used to do, they just put their grandparents out to stud. And this has caused some concern.

Anthony Fauci, remember him? He gave a press conference condemning the use of horse dewormers for people. He said, quote, no one should use them under any circumstances, unquote. He said his body visibly riddled with horse worms. Stephanie, here is your next quote. That was the theme music for a show that might be asking, what does a complete disaster look like? What's the show? Jeopardy. Yes, indeed.

After the death of beloved host Alex Trebek, the producers of this iconic billion-dollar quiz show franchise decided to hold a very public audition for his replacement. They ran through a variety of guest hosts, from Ken Jennings to Katie Couric, then also for some reason Dr. Oz, and then everybody had to wait for the white smoke to appear from CBS Television City to announce they've chosen a new host. Mike Richards, the executive producer, announced that the choice to replace Trebek would be executive producer Mike Richards. What were the chances? And then it turns out this guy had made some pretty awful comments

on various podcasts and at his prior job, so they had to start all over again. They really messed the whole thing up. Maybe they were just distracted by their other job, naming the Pfizer vaccine. When I read Mike Richards, I honestly thought it was Michael Richards from Seinfeld. I was like, they're giving him, you know, hey, Jerry, you know, that guy. When I read Mike Richards, I honestly thought it was Michael Richards from Seinfeld.

I was like, they're giving him, you know, hey, Jerry, you know, that guy. But then it was another Mike Richards. Being Mike Richards is not easy. It's probably, Mike Richards, you know, making a lot of mistakes left and right. It's tough out there for Michael Richards. Exactly. Was it a group decision or was it left to him? Well, no one really knows. And they say, well, everybody agreed that Mike was the best choice, right?

And they all said, right, boss? And Mike said, right. I mean, that's really, it's just a little weird. Eric Trump said on the news that everybody missed his dad. And both of these references to everybody makes me think that these two men don't know everybody. You know what the worst part was?

The worst part was that they totally ignored the first nominee for the job, Merrick Garland. That guy, I cannot catch him. Wouldn't even meet with him. No, no. I actually think there was one way in which Mike Richards was the perfect That guy, I cannot catch him. Wouldn't even meet with him. No, no. I actually think there was one way in which Mike Richards was the perfect host for Jeopardy

because when he was announced, everyone in America went, who is Mike Richards? Exactly. I was on Jeopardy once. You were? How'd you do? Did you last longer than Mike Richards? Well,

once. You were? How'd you do? Did you last longer than Mike Richards? Well, I was on a celebrity episode where we played for a charity, and let me just say, my charity had to pay money to Jeopardy.

Alright, Stephanie, here is your last quote. Oops. Apparently, I took 70 minutes off my life at lunch today. That was someone named Shaken Shainer on Twitter. He was reacting to the news that came out from scientists that every time you eat what, it takes 35 minutes off your life. Well, I think I already won, so thank God this question is last. Wow. I guess I'll say horse dewormer.

Technically, I'm right. You might be right. This is something that people willingly... I'll give you a second. We don't know how many extra seconds you lose by adding mustard or ketchup or sauerkraut. Oh, a Fenway Frank. Oh.

ketchup, or sauerkraut? Oh, a Fenway Frank. Oh. Yes, a hot dog, as they call them in less enlightened districts. Yes, a hot dog. A new study suggests that eating one hot dog takes 36 minutes off of a human life. And that sounds bad, but think about it. It takes all of the minutes from the pig.

It would be a fun last meal, right? They'd be like, we're about to execute you. What do you want? You'd be like, hot dog. I'm out of here, suckers. This one's basically free. So here's the thing. Here's the thing. They do this and they're trying to get us to eat better. And if you read the five print, it says, takes 36 minutes away of healthy life. Oh. Yeah, right. I finished that up years ago. Jason, we have any left to spare at this point. May as well eat hot dogs now.

Jokey, how did Stephanie do in our quiz? With all three right And also, she's not here sweating in the heat So she must be a winner Congratulations, Stephanie Thank you so much Thanks, Stephanie Bye Right now, panel, it's time for a game we're calling... What is Rudy Giuliani up to this week?

That's the game where we check in on America's mayor and find out what he's been up to this week. Paula, what was Rudy Giuliani up to this week? Was it A, shaving his face while sitting in an airport or B, shaving his face over a bowl of lobster bisque at a restaurant? Ugh.

B. Sorry, Paula. Trick question. The correct answer was both. Yes. He shaved his face over a bowl of lobster bisque at a restaurant at an airport. A traveler captured video of Rudy Giuliani sitting at a restaurant at JFK Airport as he pulls out an electric razor and shaves right at the table.

Once again, Giuliani pushing the boundary of you do you all the way to God, please stop. This is madness. I do think we have to acknowledge that shaving in an airport over a seafood bisque must forevermore be known as four seasons total manscaping. Yes! Coming up, we can't wait to see what happens next in our Bluff the Listener game.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. I listen to Bullseye because Jesse always has really good questions. What did John Malkovich wear when he was 20? I don't know how to describe it. Bullseye, interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know. From MaximumFun.org and NPR. From NPR and WBZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Filling in for Bill Curtis, I'm Shioki.

Oh, are you that NPR credits guy? I answer. We're playing this week with Maz Jobrani, Paula Poundstone, and Josh Gondelman from outside at Tanglewood in beautiful western Massachusetts. And here again is your host, who didn't get the Jeopardy job, but has just been informed that his current job is in Jeopardy. It's Peter Sagal. Thank you. I think. Thanks, Chiyoki. Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you are on Wait,

Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. This is Kaylee from Providence, Rhode Island. Hey, Kaylee. What do you do there? I'm a therapist. Ooh. What kind of therapist are you? I'm a mental health counselor. Oh, good for you. I see. And have you been finding that people have been generally losing their minds over the last year and a half? I believe that's the technical term. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's in the DSM now.

Well, Kaylee, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Choki, what is Kaylee's topic? And then what happened? This week, we read one woman's heartwarming, hopeful Facebook post about her upcoming day. And we just had to follow up to see what happened. This is how her day began. This is what we read.

This morning, I found a mama and a baby ladybug in my bed, and I feel like today is my day and something beautiful is going to happen. Well, of course, you want to know what happened after that, right? Well, we asked our panelists to tell you what happened to that lady after that, but of course, only one of them is really telling you the truth. Pick that person and you will, in fact, win our prize. The voice of anyone you might choose for your voicemail. You ready to do this? Ready. Okay.

First, let's hear from Paula Poundstone. Filled with optimism after finding two ladybugs on her bedding, a woman in Ireland snapped a photo of them and decided to make her way to a local tattoo artist to make permanent the omen of good luck. She wanted a tattoo of the ladybugs on her face, but discreet, she told the tattoo artist, not like Star Wars, Darth Maul, and not cartoony. The tattoo artist replicated the ladybugs in exquisite detail, just beneath the woman's left cheekbone, where with a turn of her head, her curly brown hair might cover or reveal it.

It came out so realistic, she told the Irish Mirror newspaper. I'd recommend this guy to everyone. And realistic it was. She was soon punch drunk from being slapped, swiped, and flicked in the face. After a week of, you have a slap. Oh my God, there's a slap. Wait, wait, don't move. Slap! Oh my God, there's a slap! Wait, wait, don't move. Slap! She returned to the tattoo artist,

and now her left cheek bears a large semicolon. Which she feels, when used properly, can really turn your luck around. That woman ended up getting her, those lucky ladybugs tattooed on her face, resulting in being slapped all day. people tried to rid her of them. The next story of the next thing to happen comes from Josh Gondelman. A woman's Facebook post went viral recently, causing friends and strangers to, well, bug out.

Along with a photo, she posted the caption, This morning, I found a mama and baby lady ladybug on my bed and I feel like today is my day and something beautiful is going to happen. Well, something sure happened. In typical social media fashion, people on Facebook ruined this woman's day. Keen-eyed observers pointed out that what the original poster thought were ladybugs were actually bedbugs. And that's only a good omen if you're looking for a sign from God that you should buy new sheets and burn your old ones in a metal barrel. It wasn't all bad, though. Several commenters were quick to offer solutions for a bedbug infestation, which is good, because when you're in a crisis, what you need are a bunch of randos online chiming in with dubious

home remedies. Hopefully, with a little luck and a lot of toxic chemicals, this woman's home will soon be good as new. Although it wouldn't be surprising if the next time she sees an actual ladybug, she puts it in a bag, ties the bag to a cinder block, and throws the cinder block in a lake just to be safe.

The woman finds out that those good luck ladybugs were in fact bad luck bedbugs. Your last sweet nail biter comes from Maz Jobrani. This morning I found a mama and baby ladybug on my bed. And I feel like today is my day and something beautiful is going to happen. What happened next is that as she lay in bed, a ray of sunshine broke through the clouds outside, edged its way through the slit of her bedroom curtains,

and shined precisely on her heart. Again, she took to social media and posted, things are looking bright, and I know today is my day. She then got up, walked over to the window, opened it, and serendipitously found two white doves perched happily on her bird feeder, unfazed by her presence and enjoying a morning meal. Of course, she took a selfie and posted again, if this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. She quickly changed into her bathing suit and approached the lake behind her house for a morning swim. As she got close, she looked down and couldn't believe her eyes. Was it? Could it be a four-leaf clover? In Tampa?

She had never seen this plant in her part of the country, but here it was, another good luck charm. She posted, I may have to play the lottery today. She then stepped into the lake, and this being Florida,

was quickly eaten by an alligator. All right, here are your choices. So this is what really happened. This woman woke up, saw these ladybugs in her bed, and said, it's going to be a lucky day. But then one of these things happened. Was it from Paula Poundstone? She got the ladybugs tattooed in her face, leading people to slap her all day? From Josh Gondelman, people on the internet pointed out those adorable ladybugs were in fact bedbugs, which are not adorable, leading her to having a very poor day. Or from Mazda Obrani, one wonderful omen happened after another

until she found out that those omens were not for her, but for the alligator who then ate her. Which of these is the true denouement of that charming beginning? I think I'm going to have to go with bedbugs? Bedbugs? You're going to go with bedbugs. That's Josh's story.

Well, to bring you the correct answer, we spoke to an expert who knows a lot about this true story. So bedbugs are uniform color. Ladybird beetles are different colors, so they're pretty easy to distinguish from, say, a foot or so away. There you are. You were correct.

Josh told the truth. That poor lady found out that her ladybugs were, in fact, bedbugs and presumably spent the rest of the day, if not the rest of her life, trying to get rid of them. Josh earns a point simply for telling the truth. You have won our prize.

Congratulations. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for a point simply for telling the truth. You have won our prize. Congratulations. Thanks, everyone. Thanks for playing. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Oh, lucky day. And now the game where we invite notable people up

to do something they hope no one will ever note. We call it Not My Job. Jane Kaczmarek is a serious, highly trained actor out of Yale Drama School who, unlike many other serious actors, always dreamed of being on television. And she got her wish back in 2000 as the mom in Malcolm in the Middle

making her debut shaving the back hair off a stand-in for Bryan Cranston. He was too big even then. She appeared on over 40 TV shows since then, and now at least one radio show. Jane Kazmarek, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you. So is that true, though, that you had all these serious aspirations to be a... You grew up in Milwaukee. Yes. And were you like a theater kid in Milwaukee?

I was a very chubby baton twirler. No, really? Would you like... I still do a little, but I don't have a baton. Peter's in pretty good shape. Twirl him. Somebody tried that, Paula, once. I grew up in Milwaukee,

in the south side of Milwaukee, near Pulaski High School. And I wanted to take ballet, and my father told me it wasn't culturally beneficial. But I could take baton twirling. Anyway, I was a candette, which was the baton twirlers with the continental drum and bugle chords. Parades were fabulous growing up.

I love marching. I loved being in parades. My father was in the Air Force Reserve, and so he loved the Air Force song and all those songs. So parades were a big part of growing up. And then I went to the University of Wisconsin and decided to be a serious actress. I really, I wanted to, I loved Ibsen and Chekhov and I decided that I should speak Norwegian fluently

because Ibsen, of course, is a Norwegian playwright. So I studied Norwegian. Wait a minute. We missed a beat. Yeah. So you're like in the parades, you're twirling your baton, you're having a great time. And then you're at the University of Wisconsin

and you're like, Ibsen. Yeah, right? Let me go back even one moment further. You said your dad loved the Air Force songs, and everyone was just like, yep, the Air Force songs that we all know. But meanwhile, all I can picture is Kenny Loggins' Highway to the Danger Zone.

No! Off we go into the wild blue yonder, flying high, da-da-da-da. Twirl, twirl, twirl. So then you go off to Yale Drama School, where you impress everybody with your Norwegian. And baton twirl, twirl. Then you go off to Yale Drama School. Yeah. Where you impress everybody with your Norwegian. And baton twirling.

And baton twirling. And we all know that like straight through. How do you say baton in Norwegian? Jajenika. I don't know. Jajenika. But I do know... What does that mean?

I like to eat fish balls. Was that in Ibsen? That was in the play, right? That's in the... I have a desire for potatoes. So is that how you got into Yield? I have a desire for potatoes? These are some sexy plays, Paula.

I have a desire for potatoes. Anyway, go on. Anyway, I guess on my desire to be an actress, I went through many different channels. This brings up, of course, the big question, is that you starred in Malcolm in the Middle, a hugely popular TV series in the 2000, 2006 or 2007, around there, in which you play a mother who is, shall we say charitably, a lunatic.

I don't think she was. Well, she's, I mean, there's a scene early on in which you were like wandering around the house utterly topless. She was busy. Okay. It's called multitasking, Peter. All right. So, if she's not a lunatic, tell me about it.

You know, I never did anything on that show that I couldn't see myself doing. Really? That family had dinner together. Every time I read about them being dysfunctional. I mean, we were aggressive and loud. But we had dinner together every night on that show. So your co-star in the show was Bryan Cranston. He played your husband.

Whatever happened to him? You know, that guy, we had high hopes for him, too. You know, the first time we met him, it was the scene in the pilot of he's naked in the kitchen reading the paper, and I'm shaving his back with that shave thing. And it's called the Giuliani airport device. And the hair that's all over his body is yak hair that's stuck on with, you know, spirit gum.

It's just he's covered with sticky yak hair and wearing a little cover thing. And on the back, there's a big piece of duct tape stuck to his backside so that when I was shaving it, I could reach and pull it off the duct tape and drop it as if I was shaving it. But when it came, he's not a hairy guy. He's not that hairy. And they wanted an insert shot of that razor going up a back, you know, like a ski hill. Just shaved. So what did they do? Brian didn't have a back like that, so they went to the Teamsters. These are the guys on the set who were there to, like, drive people around.

And eat donuts, yeah. But they found the hairiest Teamster. I love that reality show, by the way. The hairiest Teamster. He got $100. There you are. I feel like if you tell a guy he's got the hairiest back out of all the Teamsters, you owe him $100.

Exactly. Even if he's not on TV after. Teamsters I know would give you $100 for giving them that compliment. All right. This is really fun. But, Jane Kaczmarek, we have asked you here to play a game we're calling... Malcolm in the Middle meet Finger in the Middle. So, as we have discussed, you starred famously in Malcolm in the Middle. We thought we'd ask you about the finger in the middle. That is the rude gesture that, it turns out, has a very long and interesting history.

Answer two out of three questions about flipping the middle finger. Get two right. You won our prize point of our listeners. Choki, who is Jane Kaczmarek playing for? Low Hartnett of Revere, Massachusetts. Revere? From Revere? All right, here's your first question. One of the earliest recorded uses of the middle finger occurs in what work of literature? Is it A, in Shakespeare's Merry Wives of Windsor, in which Falstaff raises what he calls, quote, the stiff salute, the dastardly digit, the grasping protrusion that holds all and insults all, the glorious finger, Adam's weapon, unquote? Was it B, in The

Clouds by Aristophanes, in which a student flips off Socrates for asking him a dumb question? Or was it C, the dream of the rude, a medieval English text in which Jesus Christ gives the finger to the devil? Gosh, I'm gonna go with Shakespeare. You're gonna go with Shakespeare. I'm so delighted you think so, because no, it was actually Aristophanes. Wow. Yes, in the clouds a student flips off Socrates. I never in my life could have imagined myself, even in a group of friends, where someone said, no, I'm sorry, it was Aristophanes.

Excuse me, I have to leave forever and never see you again. All right, you still have two more chances. This is not a problem. The first documented appearance in America of someone flipping the bird was in 1886 when what happened? A, Republican Orville H. Platt gave the finger to Democrat Zebulon B. Vance on the Senate floor. B, picture old Haas Radburn, the Boston Bean Eaters, was photographed flipping off the New York Giants. Or C, former President U.S. Grant ran into Robert E. Lee in the street in Washington.

Guys? B! Yes, it's B. Thank you. Oh, Haas Radburn. It's a picture of it if you want to see it. Now, the middle finger has a long history in baseball. In 1988, San Diego Padres president Chubb Feeney

had to resign after he flipped off fans at a baseball game. Why was the whole thing such a big deal? A, the fans all gave him the finger back, setting the Guinness World Record for most birds flipped simultaneously. B, a player looked over to see what the big deal was, missed a pop-up and lost the game. Or C, it was fan appreciation night.

They sound like a C crowd. Yeah, I think so. I'm going to go with C. And they're all right. Yeah! And as it turns out, the fans did not appreciate it. Chioki, how did Jane Kaczmarek do in our quiz? With a little help from Western Massachusetts. Jane got two right and is a winner.

Jane Kaczmarek is an Emmy and Golden Globe nominated actress who you can soon see in the film Killing Eleanor. Jane Kazmarek, thank you so much for joining us. What a joy to talk to you. Thank you. Thank you, Jane Kazmarek, everybody. In just a minute, Shioka Yansen finds a new way to ruin pizza

in our listener limerick challenge called 1-triple-8-wait-wait. Do join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR in WBZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Filling in for Bill Curtis, I'm the voice that makes you want to ask NPR Wine Club if it comes here often, Chioki Ianson. We're playing this week with Paula Poundstone, Josh Gondelman, and Maz Jobrani from the beautiful outdoors at Tanglewood in western Massachusetts. And here again is your host, who will be happy to seat you as soon as your full party has arrived, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Chokey. Just a minute. Chokey Hanson right here states, I rhyme, therefore I am. And our listener, Limerick Challenge Game, if you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news.

Maz, as air travel resumes, flight attendants are signing up in droves for classes to teach them how to better do what to passengers? Beat them up. Exactly right. That's what they're doing. Air travelers, you might have heard, have been unrulier than ever. Even worse, many passengers are assaulting flight attendants without paying the $75 fee per assault. Frequent flyers get the first one free.

But this week, NBC News went inside a flight attendant self-defense class, showed these flight attendants literally lining up to punch a dummy in the face over and over again. We should specify these are practice dummies, not the guy in 18C who will not put his mask

on. As you know, people are getting obstreperous, they're getting upset, they're getting drunk because they're still giving alcohol on planes, so it's turning into a problem. And the classes are supposed to help air attendants, air staff, deal better and more effectively. Did you just say air attendants?

Well, I started... I never heard of that before. Air, and then I remembered flight attendants, so I sort of became air attendants. Air attendants. You could do air attendants, like comradery. Yes, exactly. Air attendants.

Air attendants. So don't push around that very nice flight attendant going down the aisle with a beverage cart, because she'll be happy to give you a full can of whoop-ass. Yes. In fact, I hope that in addition to the techniques for punching, gouging, and kicking, they also learn more snappy one-liners. Like, looks like you're going to have to find someone to put you in the upright position. Or even, looks like he's never getting into the upright position again.

Or I'm going to fold you like a trade. You can't say that on NPR. Is there another word for tray? I believe in English it's three. You know, you can tell the flight attendants, that's what they're called, flight attendants. You can tell the flight attendants that's what they're called, flight attendants. You can tell the flight attendants that are trained in self-defense, they're the ones that when you get on

the plane and they're chopping the ice, they're just doing it with their hands. Right. Or even worse, with their heads. That's when you know you're not messing around with them. Paula, here is a totally adorable story. In a harbor in Ireland, a walrus has been given a special floating couch to relax on.

After he did what while looking for a nice place to sit? Give me a hint. Maybe this is what really happened to the Titanic. What really happened to the Titanic? Well, what happened to the Titanic? Wait, is there a controversy there? Yeah. I thought it hit a...

Yeah, there are people who believe in a second iceberg. It hit an iceberg and sunk. So after he sunk... What? Oh, he sunk a boat? He sunk multiple boats. Oh! What's the matter with me?

He was in a harbor, of course. Yes, he was sinking boats. Can you imagine how bad he must feel? Like you're feeling pretty good about yourself. Yeah, you lost your pandemic weight, you think, then you climb onto a boat, it sinks. Yeah, that's got to be bad. So they made him what, a little, like a little, a little dive van? Yeah, they made him like a floating, like, couch, a floating platform, which is essentially a couch for walrus. Well, you know, you'd think if they could make a floating platform that could hold

a walrus, they could make a boat that could stay up with the walrus. Well, the boats that the walrus climbed on, Paula, were not designed for walruses. They were designed for people. Well, see, that's an oversight on the part of the boat maker. That's true. When you think about it, here's the problem. You've got this walrus, and the walrus is, like,

climbing onto these boats to hang out and sinking the boats, which is a problem for the boat owners. Yeah. So you're like, okay, we're going to build it like a special reinforced platform that it can climb on and be happy. But how do you get it to climb onto that platform? That's a very good point. What they did was they sprayed it with its own scent, which is, I guess, that worked.

But it's a male walrus. All they had to do was put the floating couch right in front of a floating widescreen TV. widescreen TV. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. If you wish Wait Wait was less talking and more something that you can scroll through

while trying not to make eye contact with your family, then follow us at Wait Wait on Twitter and at Wait Wait NPR on Instagram. There we post show news and have generally good vibes. That's right. I'm a vibes guy now. Hi, you're on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, Peter. This is Nathan from Raleigh, North Carolina.

Hey, Nathan, how are you? I'm doing pretty good, you know, chilling. Chilling, oh, chilling. I remember what chilling was like. Nathan, what are you doing in Raleigh? I'm a lettuce farmer. I farm lettuce. All right, I heard you.

I was just reacting in shock. I realize I've been eating lettuce more or less happily my whole life, but it has never occurred to me that someone actually asked to grow it. Lettuce is just something that is. Yeah, it's hydroponic. So how do you get into the hydroponic lettuce business in 2021? I rented a room from the guy who ran the farm, and then I saw what he did, and I thought it was really fun,

so I just told him to hire me, and now I've been there for, like, a few years, and I'm loving it. All right, and I'm going to ask this in the spirit of open inquiry. What is fun about growing lettuce? Lettuce doesn't talk back when you are trying to do your thing. I don't know if you meant it that way, but I'm taking that a little personally. All right. Nathan, welcome to the show.

Choki Ianzan is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a big winner. You ready to play? There has never been anybody more ready than me, Peter. Here is your first limericks, you'll be a big winner. You ready to play? There has never been anybody more ready than me, Peter. Here is your first limerick. Feeding a T-Rex

is tricky. He likes his meats clean and not sticky. And his veggies can't touch. And don't serve him too much. When he's choosing his food, he is picky. Yes, picky! New research among paleontologists

suggests that the ferocious T-Rex was actually a picky eater. So they weren't only scary, they were also terrible guests at dinner parties. I'm sorry, guys, do you have anything else to eat? I'm pterodactyl intolerant. I'm sorry, guys. Do you have anything else to eat? I'm pterodactyl intolerant. How could they find out such a thing?

Knowing, Paul, that you'd be here this evening. I made sure to read up on it. Go ahead, go ahead. Tell me how they know. To me, it feels like common sense. I feel like if you've got to try so hard to get those little arms to your mouth, you're going to want to make sure it's worth it. Right. You know how they know, Paula, that they had very sensitive teeth?

They found fossilized empty tubes of Sensodyne. All right, here's your next limerick. Our road workers lost their sad glowers. Their paving reminds them of showers. Essential sweet oils reward their harsh toils with asphalt that smells like fresh... Smells like fresh flowers? Yes! There we go.

A construction company in Poland has improved conditions for its workers, they say, by developing an asphalt that smells like flowers. The workers say, that's great, but we asked for a pension plan? The new road scent uses a number of essential oils, which is really stretching the meaning of the word essential. It's going to be so nice to be driving down the road

and be like, what's that smell? And you're like, oh, that's the chicken processing plant. It's like, no, the word essential. It's going to be so nice to be driving down the road and be like, what's that smell? And you're like, oh, that's the chicken processing plant. It's like, no, the other smell. I do think it's nice that when you're kind of caught up in the hustle and bustle of life, you can just say, you know what, I need a moment to stop and smell the asphalt. Yeah, yeah, definitely. We forget so often.

I know. All right, here's your last letter. For pizza, this trend is a slaughter felon. It's even got my quiet daughter yelling. There's cheese and red sauce, but the dough is a loss. For its crust, they are using sliced. Watermelon. Yes.

What? Domino's in Australia is selling a watermelon pizza complete with a tomato-based sauce, fresh mozzarella and pepperoni because, like you always said, pizza is great, but wouldn't it be better if I had to spit out seeds after every bite? Now, I know what you're thinking. No. They did not put pieces of watermelon on a pizza.

They took a round slice of watermelon, they put toppings on it, and cooked it like a pizza. They took a round slice of watermelon, they put toppings on it, and cooked it like a pizza. Because we've all eaten a nice cold slice of watermelon at a summer picnic and said to ourselves, man, what if this were burnt? The caller has hung up and is trying to order one currently. I know, exactly. Joki, how did Nathan do on our quiz? Lettuce, congratulate me. Oh! Nice.

Oh! He got them all right. Thank you so much. Thank you. Enjoy your lettuce. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Now on to our final game, lightning fill-in-the-blank.

Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Jokey, can you give us the scores? Maz has two points. Paula has three. And Josh has three. All right, Maz, you're in second place. Well, they're tied for first, so you go first.

All right. Clock will start when I begin your first Well, they're tied for first, so you go first. All right. Clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, President Biden again took questions about the ongoing evacuation of American service members from blank. Afghanistan. Right. On Wednesday, Delta Airlines said they would charge

any employee who was not blanked $200 a month. Vaccinated. Right. This week, the Supreme Court reinstated a Trump-era rule requiring asylum seekers to remain in blank while their applications are reviewed. Mexico. Right.

According to a new poll, blank's approval rating has hit an all-time low. Biden. Yes. This week, police in Missouri engaged in a high-speed chase in pursuit of a man who had stolen a car and ordered to blank. Ordered to pizzas. In order to make it to a court date on time. On Monday, the leader of the white supremacist group, the Blanks, was sentenced to over five months in prison.

Proud boys. Right? On Tuesday, retail giant Blank launched their own delivery service. Walmart? Yes. This week, a man in the UK attempting to rob a bank was left empty-handed because the teller he handed the note to blanked. Was actually...

He wasn't at a bank. He was at a coffee shop. He was at a bank when he handed the note over, but of, he was at a bank, but he handed the note over, but of course his handwriting was so bad, the teller could not read it. Is that a gum? Is that a gum, yes. Now, police say the 67-year-old man failed at his attempt to rob this bank after the teller, he handled the note too,

was unable to read his chicken scratch handwriting. Sadly, this is just another story of how difficult it is for doctors to transition to new careers. Chioki, how did Maz do in our quiz? Maz got six right for 12 more points. He now has 14 points and the lead. All right. Okay. Josh, I'm going to arbitrarily pick you to go next. So, here we go, Josh. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the House Select Committee investigating the attack on the blank requested records of President Trump's activities and communications on January 6th.

Attack on the Capitol? Yes. On Thursday, Illinois announced it would require everyone over two years old and over to wear blanks indoors in public places. Yes. This week, Greg Abbott, governor of blank, issued an executive order banning vaccine mandates. Texas. Yes. On Tuesday, emergency workers in blank said the Caldor fire had become their number one priority.

California. Right. In a case of poor phrasing, NBCLA deleted a headline that said fans attending Raiders games needed to show proof of vaccination, and if they didn't get their shots in advance, they will, quote, blank. They would be shot. Yes. I'll give it to you.

They said they will be, quote, get shot on sight. Health officials in South Dakota say that COVID cases have quintupled following the blank motorcycle rally. Sturgis. Yes, on Tuesday, Blank filed paperwork to legally change his name to Ye. Kanye West. Yes. This week, a groundbreaking study on dishonesty had to be retracted

after it was revealed that it was blank. False. It was full of lies. It was based on completely made-up data. The study, which said people will tend not to cheat if you make them sign a pledge not to beforehand, turned its head researcher into a minor celebrity, led to book deals and speaking engagements.

Turns out, little problem. He made the whole thing up. Not to worry, though. After the deception was revealed, he has signed a pledge to never, ever do it again. Chioki, how did Josh do in our quiz? Josh got eight right for 16 more points.

He now has 19 points and is in the lead. Alright. How many does Paula need to win? Eight to tie, nine to win. Holy moly. Oh my gosh. Okay, Paula, this is for the game. On Tuesday, the House narrowly advanced a $3.5 trillion blank plan.

Infrastructure. I'll give it to you. It's a budget plan, sure. On Monday, the University of Virginia disenrolled over 200 students who did not comply with blank mandates. Vaccine. Right. This week, one of the men behind the plot to kidnap the governor of blank

was sentenced to six years in prison. Wisconsin. No, Michigan. According to authorities, dozens of people are still missing after severe rainstorms led to flooding in prison? Wisconsin. No, Michigan. According to authorities, dozens of people are still missing after severe rainstorms led to flooding in blank. Tennessee. Right.

This week, the CEO of Delta Airlines outlined what the company was doing to protect against what he called the blank variant. Ah. United. No, it'd be... It might have been cleverer. The CEO of Delta Airlines referred to it

as the, quote, B16172 variant. On Tuesday, Charlie Watts, the longtime drummer for the Blanks, passed away at the age of 80. Rolling Stones. Right. This week, a roller coaster praised for being the fastest in Japan had to be shut down after riders kept blanking. They were, like, breaking their necks and stuff. Yeah, they were breaking their bones. The Super Death Coaster, that's what it's called,

accelerates from zero to 112 miles per hour in less than two seconds, so I think it's safe to say no one saw this coming. In the past year, at least six people have broken their bones just by riding the coaster, but on the plus side, you have the option to buy the photo of the moment. Everybody raises their arms and they fly off. Jokey, did Paula do well enough to win? Paula got five right for 10 more points Total of 15 But she couldn't catch Josh

Josh is this week's champion Thank you Coming up, our panelists predict Now that they've named the Pfizer vaccine community What will the other vaccines be named? But first, let me tell you. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions,

Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeka writes our limericks, our house manager is Gianna Capadona, our public address announcer is Paul Friedman, our social media superstar is Emma Choi, and our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian Kin. Special thanks to Vinnie Thomas, who is wearing a hat. Our community organizer is Peter Gwynn. And even specialer thanks this week to Chris Rui Gomez and the entire staff and crew at Tangle.

With technical direction is from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock, the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. That's Mike Danforth. Now, panel, what will they name the other vaccines? Maz Dobrani. In an effort to get anti-vaxxers to take the vaccine, they'll call it the AR-15.

Paula Poundstone. Johnson & Johnson will rename their vaccine more than just cotton balls. And Josh Gondelman. There's going to be two, obviously. Moderna Love is a tribute to David Bowie. And the other one will be Dwayne & Dwayne, The Rock & The Rock, Johnson & Johnson. And if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Chayoke Ianson.

Thanks also to Josh Gondelman, Maz Rabani, and Paula Brownstone. Thanks to everybody at New England Public Media. And thanks to our wonderful audience here at Tanglewood. You're the best. Thank you so much for coming out. Thanks to you at home for listening. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.

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