Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Jennifer Finney Boylan

Episode Date: May 22, 2021

Jennifer Finney Boylan, author of the memoir, "Good Boy: My Life In Seven Dogs" plays our game about hot dogs. She is joined by panelists Maeve Higgens, Tom Bodett, and Negin Farsad.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Lactose intolerant? Try me instead. Delicious 2% bilk. I'm Bill Curtis, and here's your host, a man who just discovered that this isn't a TV show, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. We have a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to

Jennifer Finney Boylan, the author, activist, and columnist. She's written a new book, a memoir called Good Boy, My Life in Seven Dogs. Interestingly, one of her dogs has also written a book, My Life in One-Seventh of a Human. But first, we want to hear your charming stories about your youth, so give us

a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Brent Swerdloff in Rhinebeck, New York. Rhinebeck? I happen to know Rhinebeck fairly well. What do you do there? I'm an educator. I teach Spanish at a college, among other places. Really? Like you teach Spanish at a college and then you do it in the streets, in the alleys, in the

tougher quarters of Rhinebeck. Actually, that's pretty dead on. Before COVID, I taught in a prison. Really? Whoa. Yeah. Who did you find more attentive, dedicated, and rewarding students to teach, the prisoners or the college students? They both bring their game to the table, but I must say the prisoners were less distracted by cell phones. They don't have any. Yes.

Yes. That would be definitely one advantage to your classrooms in a prison. Well, Brent, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, she's host of the podcast Fake the Nation, and you can see her June 8th at Caveat in New York City, and Nagin Farsad presents an evening of comedy from her mouth hole. It's Nagin Farsad.

Hey. Hello. Next, a contributing writer to the New York Times, and you can get her podcast, Social Distance from the Atlantic, every week. It's Maeve Higgins. Hola. Blanche, Maeve. And finally, a humorist who will be appearing on Josh Gondelman's podcast, Make My Day, on July 6th. It's Tom Beaudet.

Hey, Brent. Hey, Tom. Well, welcome to the show, Brent. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to play? I'm ready to play. All right. Your first quote is somebody being very boring about something. Pretty exciting. This does not impinge on investigations of military airspace incursions by unidentified aerial phenomena. That was a Pentagon spokesman talking about the information they're releasing that proves that what exists?

UFOs? Yes, UFOs. Very good, Brent. The U.S. government has finally come clean. UFOs, but as UAPs, Unidentified Aerial Phenomena. Oh, I didn't know you worked at the pedantagon. I should, have you guys been following this? There was a 60 Minutes report on this. It turns out that for many years now, military pilots have been seeing these extremely bizarre aircraft that can do things that earthly aircraft can't do, like fly 50,000 feet in a second or take right angle turns from a dead stop. But you know what's weird about it?

What? The way you're describing it makes the footage sound really exciting. But, folks, if you haven't seen the footage, it just looks like a bunch of pixels moving around. It's not like – it's so grainy and terrible. And I'm just like, why doesn't the Navy have better cameras? They're sort of like – they're like my mom who wants to hold onto her iPhone 5 for dear life. You know what I mean? I'm just like, get an update.

It looks like an old Pac-Man game that is sort of burning out the screen. Now, we have this to look forward to, by the way. They're going to be releasing unclassified reports on all this to Congress. You can expect questions from lawmakers. New Mexico Representative Teresa Fernandez

is certain to ask if there are aliens in Roswell. And Florida Representative Matt Gaetz is certain to ask how old they are. By the way, if you think Matt Gaetz jokes are old, imagine how old he thinks they are. All right, Brent, here is your next quote. It just feels very sudden. That was a person speaking to NPR

about new guidance from the CDC that says vaccinated people can now stop doing what? Wearing masks indoors and out. Exactly right. The CDC announced last week that vaccinated people are free to take off their masks. And everybody began to freak out. What if it's not really safe? What if we haven't brushed our teeth in 14 months? And now we can't get the moss off. I think that they can't just tell us just right away, take off your mask. We need time.

I'm not ready to go full frontal with my face. Or maybe we need like a transitional mask, something that's revealing but still provides some privacy. So basically we need face lingerie. Wait, I've had this really particular experience because people have started taking off their masks. And I met a bunch of parents on the playground because I now have a toddler during the pandemic. So I actually never knew what their full faces looked like. And now I'm looking at a bunch of bottom faces and I'm like, oh my God, your bottom face

is totally incorrect. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to need you to push that chin back. I'm gonna need you to do something with the nose. And it's like, my mind was doing so much heavy lifting on what people look like. I was making everybody really hot. And not all bottom faces are hot, you guys. Not all bottom faces are hot. Do you guys ever feel, and this has happened to me a couple times now, that there's something almost like indecent about seeing somebody's lower face? Like you see somebody without their mask, somebody you don't know, and you're like, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to barge in. And you turn your back while they make themselves decent. It was really weird. All right, Brent, here is your last quote. High cheekbones, strong eyebrows, no pores. The guy's a catch. That was a New York Times writer describing someone who he says is part of a trend of whom getting hotter. Yeah, so not even a real person. This is like an avatar.

You're getting very close. Yes, not real people. Oh, these are the cartoon dads. Yes, the cartoon dads. Very good, Brent. According to the New York Times, which has won 130 Pulitzer Prizes over its long history, released their latest investigation last week into whether or not

cartoon dads are getting hotter. And the answer is yabba-dabba hubba-hubba. The Times specifically cites the dad in Disney's Raya and the Last Dragon, the elf dad from Onward, and the dad from Pixar's forthcoming Bridgerton. I don't know. Go ahead, Maeve.

I was going to say, like, you have a toddler, Nagin, right? So do you know Peppa Pig, the dad in Peppa? I mean, he's literally in Peppa I mean he's he's literally a pig I mean depending on your taste but like not only is he

a pig but like you know he is the stupidest one it's just like he's a disaster of a person wait so

and he falls off trampolines and he gets pancakes stuck to ceilings are you into him but how hot is he? I mean, that's the only question. Well, what I'm saying is I'm just deeply attracted to him

and I don't know what to do with this shame. Can I tell my hot pig story? Please, by all means. Years ago, I got a call from a commercial agent who wanted me to voice a commercial and I would be the voice of a pig, a real pig they would animate. And I said, you know, no, through, you know, channels that I didn't want to work as the

voice of a pig. And they came back and they said, but this is the pig that played Babe. So you were the actual animal that starred as Babe the pig. Like somebody would know this, but yeah, this was the pig that played Babe. That was going to change my mind. And I said, only if they wear a sign on their neck that says, I am the pig that played Babe. Because who would recognize it?

I just got to tell you, I'm just stunned you didn't take the job. It would have been an honor to voice that. It is one of my many regrets. Yeah. Anyway, we were actually talking about hot animated dads. Yeah. And I mean, you know, the idea, however, this is a new trend is disrespectful to the classic Disney dads. A Little Mermaid wouldn't be half as good without King Triton's ripped abs and absolutely dump truck tail. And don't even get me started on Mulan's father.

More like the Dang Dynasty. Am I right, ladies? Hey! And then there's the old man in Up. I mean, he's not that hot, but we do know from the first nine minutes that he is single. So... Yeah. Those cartoon widowers.

Bill, how did Brent do on our quiz? He got three and O. Good going, Brent. Brent, congratulations. Well, thank you so much. Take care. Bill, how did Brent do on our quiz? He got three and O. Good going, Brent. Brent, congratulations. Well, thank you so much. Take care. Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.

Bye. That meant fine. That meant fine. Okay, panel, it is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. It is time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Tom, according to a new survey, 6% of Americans think that they are tough enough, smart enough, and strong enough to do what? Let's see. I'll be an astronaut.

No. No. I need a hint, Peter. You need a hint. Well, it's tougher than your average fight. Fist fight a hint, Peter. You need a hint. Well, it's tougher than your average fight. A fist fight a bear? Yes. 6% of American surveyed believe that they could beat a grizzly bear in a fair fight.

Wow. I think they should let those people do it. They should. The survey site YouGov asked people if a human could beat certain animals in a fight. 6% of respondents said a human could take on a grizzly and win. It had been 7% of respondents, but then Jerry decided to fight a bear. Now- But isn't it like, I feel like I learned all these things as a kid, you know, you have to pretend to be asleep. You have to climb a tree, but I mix them up when it's different. When I'm like, okay, a shark attack, climb a tree. And it's like, what? When it's different.

Like when I'm like, okay, a shark attack, climb a tree. And it's like, what? But I think with grizzly bears, aren't you supposed to like make yourself really big and like sing a Broadway song, but really confidently or whatever? Yeah. Specifically Broadway? Right. Is it that bears don't like Broadway and they'll flee? Or is it they love Broadway and they'll sing along?

They're intimidated by triple threats, mostly, is how Disney bears work. No, what bears are looking for is signs of submission. They're looking for signs of weakness and submission. That's why you walk backwards, you step off the trail, or you sing show tunes. There is no threat here. None. Coming up, our panelists hit the half pipe in our bluff listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. What happens after a police officer shoots someone who's unarmed? For decades in California, internal affairs investigations, how the police police themselves, were secret. Until now. Listen to On Our Watch, a podcast from NPR and KQED. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Tom Bodette, Maeve Higgins, and Nagin Farsad. And here again is your host, a man who wants to remind you, it's customary to tip your host 20%.

Peter Sagal. Thank you so much, Bill. Right now it's time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi there. My name is Roz, and I'm calling from San Francisco.

Hey, how are things in the beautiful city by the bay? Sunny, windy, fog will come in pretty soon. Really? Yes. Fog. Fog, you say. How long have you been in San Francisco? Are you like an old school San Franciscan? You're not one of these new sort of titans of Silicon Valley who recently came around to everything.

No, I'm not one of those. I have lived here since 1974. I love it. Well, Rosalind, welcome to the show. You are going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Rosalind's topic? Skateboard did what? Skateboards were made so cool kids could get around easily and grumpy olds could have something to shake their fist at. Well, this week we heard about someone using a skateboard for something other than its intended purpose. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one that's telling the truth.

You'll win our prize, the weight-waiter of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Yes. All right. First, let's hear from Nagin Farsad. Now, I know you're all wondering, how can I get more social media followers? Well, a Miami-Dade local, Audrey Franceschini, figured she would get new followers by going to a high school,

posing as a student, and handing out flyers with her Instagram handle on them. That's right, Franciscini, who's actually pushing 30, dressed up like a teenager. And because she was taking her cues from that one meme of Steve Buscemi from 30 Rock, that mostly meant she was very confidently carrying a skateboard. You know, because that's what teenagers do. They, like, carry skateboards. Of course, the teenagers probably took one look at the flyers and were like, what are these pieces of paper with information on them? Because no amount of skateboard carrying could hide the fact that today's high schoolers don't know what flyers are. The fake teen was ultimately arrested at her home, which was super easy for cops to find because she was handing out

flyers with her info on them. At the bond hearing, the judge asked how she managed to even get into the high school. Franceschini responded, Shut up, you're not my mom, and continued chewing on her gummy worms while drawing sad clowns in a tattered notebook. A woman pretends to be a teenager by walking around clutching a skateboard in a high school just to try to get more Instagram followers. Your next story of a skateboard going off book comes from Maeve Higgins.

Ever get so sick of plates that you just want to smash them all on the ground? As somebody with a face like a plate, I certainly do. Well, now is the perfect time to smash all your plates because of a cool new trend in a hot new restaurant. Food served on skateboards. A seafood place in Nantucket opened this week and business has been brisk. What's their secret sauce? Well, the food comes shooting out of the kitchen on skateboards and customers get to snatch at it as it whizzes by. and customers get to snatch at it as it whizzes by.

The restaurant's called The Motion of the Ocean, and it was the brainchild of Wheels McGee, a former pro skater himself, who you'll remember well if you were part of the 1990s Nantucket skate scene. Speaking to the newspaper, Wheels was defensive at first. Everybody thinks us skaters are dumb, but if that's true, how come I was the first person to ever serve clam linguine on a skateboard? It's glorious, man. Oh, the trail. Like you wouldn't believe. Then, sadly, he tripped over a skateboard loaded with scampi and landed in a rolling urn of chowder. He drowned. R.I.P. Wheels McGee.

It's from the newspaper. Of course. The restaurant Motion of the Ocean serving seafood on zipping skateboards in Nantucket. Your last story of some wayward wheels is from Tom Beaudet. Lone sharks and leg breakers are as old as commerce. Don't pay the two goat vig on the milk cow you borrowed. Expect a whack across the knee with a club. Well, goats became coins, clubs became shepherd staffs, walking sticks, and eventually the venerable Yankee slugger baseball bat. But climbing out of a black Escalade with a baseball

bat is guaranteed to send the mark scurrying for cover. Baltimore's legendary loan shark, Arthur Big Whitey Ford, recently indicted on 111 counts of usury, had noticed his old school enforcers were not as effective as they used to be. When his son Mason Lil Whitey Ford broke his knee skateboarding last summer, Big Whitey saw the solution and his business boomed. He hired a gang of young skateboard punks to pound the streets for collections and pound the defaulters with their boards. No one saw him coming. No one saw him going either, chuckled Ford before his lawyer

hit him with a skateboard. All right. Skateboards were used in an unusual way in a news item we saw this week. Was it from Nagin, a woman who grabbed a skateboard and wandered around a high school Pretending to be a teenager, because that's what teenagers do In order to get more Instagram likes

From Maeve, an Nantucket restaurant which served their food on skateboards Sent careening out of the kitchen Or from Tom, a mobster who armed his enforcers with skateboards To whack the knees and ankles of people who did not pay up. Which of these is the real story of a skateboard being used in an unusual way in the news? I'm going to go with Little Whitey Ford, the Baltimore loan shark. You're going to go with Tom's story of Little Whitey Ford, the loan shark in Baltimore. Well, to bring you the truth, here is a reporter who covered the real story.

She looked like a student because she was holding a painting and a skateboard. But it turned out the pamphlets that she was handing out were advertising her Instagram account. That was Jacqueline Pizer from the Washington Post reporting on the fake teenager's efforts to gain Instagram followers. Anyway, so you didn't pick the right story, but you did earn a point for Tom, who probably just gave the mobsters who listened to us some pretty bad ideas. Thank you, Roz, so much. Take care.

Thank you. You too. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye. And now the game where we ask people who've done so much to do something so, so little. It's called Not My Job. Jennifer Finney Boylan has published 14 books.

She's a columnist for the New York Times, a professor at Barnard College, and she is the first out trans woman to be in the New York Times bestseller list. But none of that matters. Next to the fact that she has appeared on Caitlyn Jenner's reality show. That's right. She is Kardashian adjacent. Her new book is called Good Boy, My Life and Seven Dogs. And she joins us now. Jennifer Finney Boylan, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi. I think I'm actually Kardashian adjacent adjacent. Really? Well, because I think, isn't Caitlyn adjacent? So that would make me... Well, is Caitlyn... I mean, you have to help me out here. You are part of that world of Hollywood glamour.

Am I? You are. It's really interesting. I can see when I'm walking on the streets of New York and someone comes up to me and wants to talk to me, I can tell within about two seconds whether they know me from my New York Times work or whether they're fans of the Kardashians. Really? And how can you tell? There's got to be a clever answer to that.

I'm sorry. I think I know. It's just if they're wearing glasses, it's because they. Yeah, it must be the glasses. That's it. They watch the Kardashians with their glasses on. Yeah, with their glasses. Exactly. Yeah.

The other major contribution, I think, to American culture is we have you to blame for all the Negronis. Oh, that's right. Yes. Right. I wrote a column about Negronis, uh, summer before last. Right. And it was interesting because, uh, the mail that I got from that about half of it was people who, um, you know, the Negroni was their favorite drink and they wanted to thank me for, for publicizing it. And the other half was, apparently this is a thing, cocktail writers. Yes. Who insisted that I understand that I'd gotten everything wrong.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, I've spent some time with cocktail culture people. That's what they call it. They're just drunks, Jenny. They're just drunks. My people. Yes.

They're drinkers. I used to be in a cocktail culture, but we didn't call it that. You have a new book, Good Boy, A Life in Seven Dogs, and it is a memoir focused on dogs. Yeah.

Well, and the thing about dogs is how frequently, I mean, we love our dogs, you know, but sometimes we love them out of all proportion to their qualities. Their merit. Because I have to admit, when I opened up, I mean, the book is called Good Boy.

So when I opened it up, I expected this was going to be heartwarming stories of lovely dogs. Yeah, no. These dogs are terrible dogs. A lot of my dogs are terrible dogs. You know, I had a dog that had a dog that chewed its paws. I had another dog that, can I say hump on the radio? You just did. Yeah.

I had a dog that was in love with my grandmother's leg. She didn't mind it either. She would say, he's got more spunk than your grandpa. Oh, God. Your first book, or at least your first memoir, I'm sorry. Cause you were a very established novelist before it was,

I believe the, the first bestselling memoir by a trans person, certainly in the New York times bestseller. That's correct. Yeah. Supposedly that's true. I mean, you had this like obligation.

This, this is almost 20 years ago now to sort of to paraphrase Milton to explain the ways of trans to men, if you know what I mean. Did you like? Well, men in particular. I didn't know who was going to read that book when I when I wrote that book. If I had anybody in mind, it might have been like the members of my mother's bridge club. Nice ladies in Philadelphia who were not going to take this news particularly well. And I think it's one of the things that's changed about transgender writing and the way trans people feel compelled

to comport ourselves in the media. I'm really proud of that book. She's not there, but reading it now, 20 years later, I think I detect a far off aroma of apology in that book, or kind of a sense of, you know, begging to be taken seriously and to be treated with compassion and love. But now I don't know that people feel compelled to do that. I think that we are who we are. And I don't think it's necessary to apologize to anybody. Right. Well, I mean, not to suck up too much, but one of the reasons it may not be necessary to apologize or explain is because of the success of your book. But as you transitioned, which I know was a gradual process, was there stuff about being a woman that was particularly difficult for you to learn without having had practice for the first 40 years of your life?

Well, a French braid is something that's never going to happen. Same. There were a lot of things that people told me about, well, when you're a woman, you have to do certain things this way. Like I remember my sister-in-law, whom I love, Susie, did tell me, you're never going to be able to eat baby back ribs again in a restaurant because, you know, you're going to get sauce on your cheeks and it's going to be messy. And I was like, is that like a federal law? No more baby back ribs. like, wow, no more baby beverage. It is.

But I was told stuff like that, too. I think that happens to all of us. I remember this, a woman I used to babysit for, and she was like, listen, okay, men love dip, yeah? Men love dip. She was like, this is something you need to know as a woman. And I would, like, collect up these nuggets, you know, so I'd, like, learn how to be a woman. And would like collect up these nuggets you know so I'd like learn how to be a woman and then another time a makeup lady was like always do a smoky eye because

men love smoky eyes oh the smoky eye don't get me started oh yeah the smoky eye every woman gets that lecture well but that's the thing that you that you see and i think this happens to men too that there's this there's like people think there's this set of rules really i think we're all just winging it all of us all the time although i would say that in my marriage you know and i'm still married i've been married now for i think 30 33 years um i'm going to get the math wrong. I think it was 12 years as husband and wife. And 21 years. My wife is shouting from the 20 years, 21 years. So another thing that is still mine, I am still in charge of changing the light bulbs.

If a light bulb is in the house, because apparently someone. You're taller than I am! She's... You didn't hear that? I did. I did hear that. That's reasonable. It's not about how tall I am, honey. Well, Jenny Finney Boylan, it is great to talk to you.

We have asked you here to play a game we're calling... Try to put ketchup on this dog and I will end you. So as we have been discussing, you have written a book about your beloved dog, so we thought we'd ask you about hot dogs. Perfect. Answer two out of three questions about hot dogs correctly. You'll win a prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose for their voicemail. Bill, who is Jenny Finney Boylan playing for? Brendan Yu of San Diego, California.

All right. You ready to do this? Okay, Brendan. It's you and me. All right. First question. One accepted legend is that the hot dog as we know it, a frankfurter and a bum, was invented by a vendor in St. Louis around the turn of the last century. as we know it,

a Frankfurter in a bum was invented by a vendor in St. Louis around the turn of the last century once his first idea failed serving sausages how? A, inside a wrapping of freshly cooked spaghetti,

B, with white gloves to protect the eater's hands, or C, stuffed inside a whole roast rabbit. Wow. I don't know. You know what? Maybe it was the gloves.

You're going to go with gloves. You're right. That's what he did. He served them with gloves and people would walk away with the gloves. So it wasn't working out as a business proposition. So he said, what can I give them that I don't need to be returned? And he came up with a bun. All right.

Here's your next question. In 1968, the baseball player Gates Brown was fined $100 because of an incident with a hot dog. What happened? A, he used the hot dog for a bat, which while technically not against the rules, just seemed weird. B, as a catcher with famously small hands, he used an uncooked wiener instead of his fingers to call for pitches. Or C, he got a hit, but he had to slide into second base, causing the hot dogs he had hidden inside of his jersey to explode, covering him in mustard and ketchup. Wow. That last image is really nice to think about, but I think it's the third one.

You're going to say it's the third one. You're right. That's what happened. He had been preparing, he was eating hot dogs in the dugout, and all of a sudden he was called up to hit, and he's like, damn it. So he just put the hot dogs he had prepared into his pockets. True story. Last question.

Nathan's Famous is one of the most popular hot dogs in the world, as I'm sure you know, but when they first opened, people were worried that their very cheap prices meant they were serving low quality meat. How did Nathan Handwerker, the Nathan of Nathan's Famous, solve this problem? A, they converted their prices to Japanese yen and no one could figure out the price in dollars. B, they hired people to wear lab coats and stand around the building to make it look like doctors

from the nearby hospital were ordering hot dogs. Or C, they introduced buy two, get one Tuesdays where you would pay for two dogs, but only get one. The second choice sounds the most sensible. The doctors. That's exactly right. That's what they did to you. No, no, wait a minute.

We do the bell around here. She is. Yes, but you are right. You are right. That's in fact the case, that they decided that if they made it look like doctors were eating the hot dogs, they had to be healthy. Bill, how did Jenny Boylan do on our show? Jenny, it's hard to do, but you got a perfect

score! Oh, yay! Yay! Jennifer Finney Boylan is an author, activist, and columnist for the New York Times. Her new book Good Boy, A Life in Seven Dogs is out now. Jenny, what an absolute joy to talk to you. Thank you so much for being on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thanks, Peter. Thanks, everybody. It was really

fun. Thank you, Jenny. Thanks, Jenny. It was really fun. Thank you, Jenny. Thanks, Jenny. It was really fun. Go have a hot dog. Bye-bye. Bye. In just a minute, Bill is both thirsty and hungry, and what he eats will terrify you in the Listener Limerick Challenge game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me

from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. NPR and WBEZ Chicago. This is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Nagin Farsad, Tom Beaudet, and Maeve Higgins. And here again is your host, who bet you can't say his name three times fast. It's Peter Sagal, Peter Sagal, Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill reveals he's headlining this year's Rhymes-a-Palooza Limerick Festival. If you'd like to get in on the fun, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Tom, this week, fans of the Zibo Kuju soccer team in China were introduced to the team's new star player. He can't pass. He can't shoot.

He can't defend. But he is what?. He can't pass, he can't shoot, he can't defend, but he is what? He is beautiful. No, he's not. Can I get a hint? That's sort of a Don Jr. situation. His dad is like the team owner. Yes, he is the son of the team owner,

which is why he was on the team. Millionaire Hei-Shi-Hua bought the struggling second division team for two reasons. First, he wanted to son of the team owner, which is why he was on the team. Millionaire Hei Shih-Hua bought the struggling second division team for two reasons. First, he wanted to own a soccer team. And secondly, he really needed a babysitter for Friday night and no one else was available. He purchased the team recently and he immediately made a series of demands, including that his son be in the starting 11 players each week and that he be allowed to play the entire length of the match. He says that the decisions have nothing to do with favoritism

and he's just trying to do what's best for the team who so far this season have lost every game and have only scored one goal. I would hate so much if my dad like co-opted me into his company,

which is like a construction company. And suddenly he was like you know okay everyone you need to take this new carpenter on and then i show up but why doesn't he want his son to be a doctor or an engineer like a normal parent imagine if he bought his way into his son being a doctor that would be such a disaster yeah better, better he play soccer. You're right. You're a surgeon. Maeve, Goodwill stores have a request. They would like people to please stop donating what?

Oh, I think people have probably been donating masks. No. Because they don't want them. Oh, can I get a clue? Goodwill does not. If you go into a Goodwill store and you look around the sections, they do not have a headless Barbie doll and orange rinds section, for example. Oh, Christmas presents from the 1950s.

How did you grow up? No, but I feel like that's what, you know, people who grew up in the 1950s, they always go on about like, we just got an orange for Christmas. Is that a point? No. I think it's, we understand, you know, fully don't. You got it. Goodwill stores are more than happy to give your unneeded clothes and household items a new home. But lately, they've been getting more and more things like broken furniture and leaky batteries. This may surprise you. People do not want your leaky batteries.

I am surprised by that. Yes. One Goodwill director offered this guideline, and this is a real quote. If you wouldn't give it to your judgy mother-in-law, then don't donate it. I had the opposite experience where I took a big bag of our stuff, which we do about once a year, down to our local thrift store. And they said, oh, good. You always bring such great stuff.

And it was like meant to be a compliment. And then I left thinking, God, are we really like wasteful? And now I don't want to go back there anymore because like, I just want to take really crappy stuff too, to show them that no, we actually wear things out. Well, wait a minute. What would be worse going down to the Goodwill or the thrift store and them saying, Oh, Tom, it's great to see you. We always love to see you.

Or them saying, Oh God, you again. No, you're right. I'll take, I'll take A. I'm just saying, could be worse, you're right. I'll take A. Alright, I'm just saying. Could be worse. You're right. And now, it's time for another installment of our game, What Is Martha Stewart Up To? Tom, what is Martha Stewart up to this week?

Is it A, suing her neighbors for playing their music too quietly, or B, getting into a fight with the New York Post over how many peacocks she owns? B. B, yes, you're right. Ms. Stewart was incensed, incensed, I tell you, that the New York Post said she owned 16 peacocks. I mean, that's a reasonable thing to get upset about. It makes her sound like she's some sort of crazy peacock-loving recluse.

She actually has 21 peacocks. The Post ran a profile of the author of a new book about owning peacocks and including this tangential fact that, oh, by the way, Martha Stewart owns 16 peacocks. She read this. She took to Twitter. She accused them of promulgating fake news. She said, quote, they say I have 16 peacocks. I actually have 21 of these glorious birds whose house is impeccable. They do not smell. They are so clean, unquote. It is worth clarifying that the Post did not accuse her of having dirty peacocks. Sounds like a peacock got her phone. And that's the end of this round of... What is Martha Stewart up to? Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank,

but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. And for more Wait, Wait in Your Week, follow us on Twitter at Wait, Wait, and on Instagram at Wait, Wait, NPR. It's the Wild West of Wait, Wait, where our intern Emma rules. Pop off, Emma.

I just say what she tells me to say. I don't know what it means. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. Hey just say what she tells me to say. I don't know what it means. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Peter. Hey, who's this? This is Paul Gordon from Dearborn via Ypsilanti via South Lyon in Michigan. How are you doing? Hey, Paul Gordon. And what do you do there? Well, Peter, I grow beautiful, multicolored and delicious mushrooms at Detroit mushroom company. Oh, wow. So what does a mushroom farm look like? Uh, we have about,

uh, I think it's nine now shipping containers that we've converted into either a mixed room or a grow room or inoculation room or whatever we need them to be. And we're on 80 acres in beautiful countryside. So you are, you have shipping containers sitting on the countryside and that's where you grow your mushrooms. You grow them inside the shipping containers. You know, when you say it like that, Peter... I thought they were all hand-picked in apple orchard.

Yes. Well, welcome to the show, Paul. Bill Curtis is going to perform for you now three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly into the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play? I am so excited. All right. Here is your first limerick. The hard seltzer consumer is fickle, so their taste buds were trying to tickle.

Our seltzer will shine with a splash of fine brine. We have added the taste of dill. Pickle. Yes, dill pickle. If you've ever eaten a pickle and thought, this is good, but what if it was entirely liquid, then I am very sorry for the lonely life you've led. But that ends today because the drink company Brumate has introduced a pickle-flavored seltzer.

It's called Afternoon Delight. Get it? And it was actually teased as an April Fool's joke, but everybody wanted it so badly, they ended up putting it into production. I don't get it. You know when you said, get it? Oh. Afternoon Delight. Oh, Afternoon Delight is what I think I said.

Get it? Afternoon Delight. I get it then. In answer to your question, I get it. All right. I'm glad. All right. Here, Paul, is your I think I said. Get it. Afternoon delight. I get it then. In answer to your question, I get it. Yeah, all right. I'm glad. All right. Here, Paul, is your next limerick.

To grow ancient can be quite a pain. What's my secret? I'll gladly explain. Though the concept may sicken, it's the head of a chicken. Once a week, you should eat a small... Ew, brain. Yes, brain. Brain.

A 111-year-old Australian, Dexter Kruger, says the secret to his long life is eating chicken brains once a week. I mean, it kind of makes sense. That's why chickens run around when you cut their heads off. They're looking for their brains because they're so good for them.

Kruger says that chicken brains are, quote, delicious little things. There's only one little bite. If you think about it, one little bite made of utterly disgusting chicken parts is basically just an honest McNugget. It's the thinking man's McNugget. We've probably all eaten some Yeah Alright, here's your last limerick, Paul Marie Kondo, my shudder and sputter

Having more puts my heart on a flutter A big open space puts no smile on my face I find joy in a room full of Clutter? Yes, very good, Paul my face, I find joy in a room full of clutter? Yes, very good, Paul. Apparently the hot new trend is living in squalor. Designers call it clutter core, which is better than the first name they came up with it, completely given up core.

This philosophy behind clutter core is about surrounding yourself with all the things that make you you for example i've been practicing clutter core by surrounding my bed with dirty laundry it represents my deepest inner self that is a lazy slob i think it's they're gonna find out the clutter core people are related to marie kondo somehow and that this is like all that stuff that we all gave away and took to the goodwill. Marie Kondo's been quietly buying it up, right, and storing it. And now selling it back to us so we can build our little clutter court. Wow.

This sounds like QAnon. It is. It's a racket. Bill, how did Paul do in our quiz? Paul the Mushroom King walked away with a win. Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations, Paul. That was really deftly done.

Thank you so much. Peace and love to you all. Thanks so much for playing, Paul. Bye. Bye-bye. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many Fill in the Blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points.

Bill, can you give us the scores? Maeve has two. Nagin has two. Tom has four. Look out. All right. Tom's in first place. Maeve and Nagin are tied.

So, Maeve, you go first. The clock will start when they begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the House voted to create a commission investigating the insurrection at the blank. Capitol Tower. Yes. Well, not a tower, but the Capitol. On Monday, the Supreme Court agreed to take up a case that may lead to a restriction or overturning of blank. Abortion. Good enough. Roe v. Wade. New tax documents released this week showed that Blank made a 904% profit on their GameStop stocks this year. Bill Curtis. No, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

What? This week, a Massachusetts man was arrested for stealing a dog after he blanked. For stealing a dog after he lost his dog? No, he was caught after he returned to the scene of the crime wearing the same clothes he was wearing when he stole the dog, walking the dog he stole, and after talking to a reporter covering the story about the stolen dog. That's what I said!

No, it wasn't. The man took Titus the dog from a parking lot in Boston, only to return later that day in the same clothes, walking the missing Titus to find a local TV news reporter setting up to do a live report about the theft. It's great when you find a witness to interview, well, what were you doing when the dog

was stolen from this parking lot? Well, I was stealing the dog. Bill, how did Maeve do in our quiz? She had two right for four more points. She now has six, and because she's the only one in the game so far, she has the lead. Well, there you are. All right. Calling it now.

McGee, you're up next. Fill in the blank. Eleven days after bombing began, Israel announced it had reached a ceasefire with blank. Hamas. Right. On Wednesday, the New York Attorney General announced their investigation into blank's company now included criminal charges. Trump. Yes. On Thursday, CNN said they would not discipline blank for advising his brother Andrew on his harassment scandal. The anchor Cuomo. The anchor Cuomo.

Yes, I'll give it to you. It's Chris Cuomo. This week, the newly opened Bitcoin pizza parlor announced it would not accept Blank as payment. Bitcoin. Right. On Thursday, China released the first photos taken by their rover on blank. Mars?

Yes. This week, a police chief in Maine lost his job after an internal review discovered he had faked a crime so he could blank. So he could have a day off? You're so close. I think I'll give it to you. So he could get out of going to a boring meeting. Right. Exactly. to you so he could get out of going to a boring meeting. Right, exactly. The chief of police for the town of Freiburg, Maine, really did not want to go to the town

selectman meeting, so he faked getting a call about a, quote, suspicious person at the fair. Even though this sounds like a job for Encyclopedia Brown, he left to go fake investigate. An internal review uncovered his deception when body camera footage revealed him arresting a funnel cake and reading Miranda Wright's a deep-fried Twinkie. Bill, how did Nagin do on our quiz? She did well. She had six right for 12 more points. She now has 14 and the lead.

All right. So how many then does Tom need to win? Five to tie and six to win. All right, Tom, that's doable. Here we go. This is for the game. On Wednesday, the EU announced plans to reopen its borders to win. All right, Tom, that's doable. Here we go. This is for the game. On Wednesday, the EU announced plans to reopen its borders to visitors who are blank.

Vaccinated. Right. On Tuesday, the House passed a bill to strengthen federal response to hate crimes against blanks. Asians. Yes, Asian Americans. In order to fight inflation, the Federal Reserve discussed reducing its monthly purchases of blank in the coming months. Treasury bonds. Yes.

On Monday, the GOP-led Board of Supervisors in Arizona called the state's ongoing blank a sham. The ballot, the audit, the election audit. Exactly. This week, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau came under fire after it was revealed that his Apple MacBook was blank. Was actually a cheap HP with an aluminum cover. You're exactly right. It was technically a Windows machine with an Apple sticker on it.

No way. It was. I just totally made that up. I figured you had a last-minute play by LeBron James who created a place for the Lakers in the 2020 blanks. The NBA playoffs. Right. On Wednesday, HBO released the trailer for their upcoming blank reunion special. Sex and the City. So close.

Friends, this week a South Carolina man who attempted to hijack a school bus full of kids was foiled by blank. The kids attacked him and threw him off the bus. No, you're close. He was foiled by the kids' annoying questions.

The 23-year- old man did not expect the bus to be filled with kindergartners when he hijacked it oh that's hilarious and when they wouldn't stop asking him so many questions he gave up are you gonna take us home what happened to our other bus driver exactly are we gonna stop hey mister why are you hijacking the bus why don't you have a car but why What does repossessed mean? Oh, boy, you have to be a hardened criminal to do that. Bill, did Tom do well enough to win?

Well, he had six right for 12 more points. That means with 16, he's the champion this week! Congratulations, Tom! Yay! Thank you, thank you. It's been a long time. I needed that, too. In just a minute, we'll ask our panelists to predict when we finally identify the unidentified flying objects,

what will they turn out to be? But first, let me tell you that Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions, Doug Eyebrows Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeka writes our Limerick's house managers, Gianna Cabedona. Our social media superstar is Emma Choi. Our web guru

is Beth Novy. BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills News, Miles Dromboss, and Lillian King. Our Dr. Gwynn Medicine Peter is Peter Gwynn. Special thanks to Colorado's own Finney Thomas. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Her business and ops manager is Colin Miller.

Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian The Hair Chilag. And the executive producer of White, her business and ops managers, Colin Miller, our production managers, Robert Newhouse, our senior producers, Ian the Hair Chilag, and the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Minodanforth. Now, panel, when we finally identify the UFOs, what will they be? Tom Bodette. God with a laser pointer messing with us.

Maeve Higgins. They're skateboards full of blowing plankton And Nagin Farsad They're pizza boxes that have become self-aware Well, if the UFOs turn out to be any of those things We'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Thank you, Bill Curtis

Thanks also to Maeve Higgins, Nagin Farsad, and Tom Bodette And thanks to all of you for listening. I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.