Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon

Episode Date: April 4, 2020

Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon, comedic writers and producers, join us along with panelists Mo Rocca, Roxanne Roberts, and Alonzo Bodden.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Stay six feet from my body, but snuggle right up next to my heart. I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host from inside the same pair of pajamas he's had on for two weeks. Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. And thanks as well to the very appreciative audience at the 2008 Kennedy Center Honors, applauding for Dolly Parton. Many of you told us that her sound effects last week made us sound cheap, so we asked our producer, Mike, to class it up a bit.

That was remarkable. So I'm coming to you today from a closet in my house near Chicago where we store stuff from our wedding. And I never thought I'd be able to wear this dress again. Later today, we'll be talking to Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon, who told the story of their odd courtship in the movie The Big Sick. They're also stuck at home and, like so many others, have tragically succumbed to the urge to create a podcast. But first, it's your turn to talk to us. Give us a call.

The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Eric Sligler from Needham, Massachusetts. I know Needham really well. They're so needy in Needham. That's what they call it then. What do you do there in Needham, Eric? I'm a pediatric emergency physician at Boston Children's Hospital. What are you doing talking to us? Shouldn't you be working? I was working all last night and many

nights before that. All right. Well, I'm only sorry that you're taking your precious free time and wasting it with us, but thank you for what you do, and thanks for calling. Let me introduce you to our panel this week, Eric. First up, a comedian who you can see new clips of on his YouTube channel, at Alonzo Bowden. It's Alonzo Bowden.

Hello, Eric, and again, thanks for the work you do, man. That's amazing. Next, a woman who's spending all her free time staring at cat videos. It's Roxanne Roberts. Yay, hi Eric. I'm also in my closet. Good place to be. It is. It's safe anyway. And a correspondent for CBS Sunday Morning and the author of Moe Bituary's Great Lives Worth Reliving, it's Moe Rocca. Hi Eric, and yeah, I'm back Mo Rocca. Hi, Eric.

Yeah, I'm back in the closet. And, oh, I didn't expect this to happen. Eric, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show that you might choose in your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

I am. Great. Let's do it. Here's your first quote. Did you know I was number one on Facebook? I just found out I'm number one on Facebook. That was the president on Wednesday during a press conference in which he said that something was going to last till April 30th at the earliest. What? I'm going to guess that's the coronavirus. Yes, or the quarantine because of it. I assume the coronavirus will live forever. We are all going to be stuck here for a while. It's like your family coming to visit for a

weekend and staying for a month, but your family is you. This is the Lord of the Rings of national calamities. You think it's over and it just keeps on going. Well, I think the thing to do is stop listening to those press conferences because time actually slows down when he talks. You're just, that's the first trick, stop listening to him. But he's number one on Facebook, Alonzo. You know, here's the thing about him being number one on Facebook.

It's going to do to Facebook what happened to MySpace. Remember who was number one on MySpace? Who was number one on MySpace? Exactly. Exactly. One hero, one hero has emerged in all of this of late, and that is Andrew Cuomo, governor of New York, perhaps because of his calm leadership, but probably just because there are no more sports to watch. Andrew Cuomo's daily press briefings have become must-see TV. He's like an

older, meaner version of CNN's Chris Cuomo, because that's exactly what he is. It's weird because nobody even liked him a month ago. It must be the epidemic. In real life, he's a four, but with Corona goggles, he's a nine. It's sweet, but can we talk about the nipple rings? Yes, Mo. We can talk about the nipple rings because that was a real story in the news this week. People are obsessed with that question. Does Andrew Cuomo have nipple rings? Because if you look at his chest, there is something under his shirt. People have become amateur photo analysts trying to figure out, is that a ring? Is that just his nipple?

If it is, can we just curl up, suckle it, and finally fall asleep feeling safe? Why can't we talk about Chris Cuomo's nipple rings? I feel that Chris Cuomo... Wait, wait, now, okay, alright. Is it conceivable it's just a Cuomo family nipple trait? I am okay with him

having a nipple ring as long as he got it before the virus when it was still safe. I don't want to think that I'm quarantined and he's hanging out at a piercing shop getting nipple rings. So unsanitary. Enough of the haves and the have-nots. If you can get nipple rings, I can go out. Meanwhile, Donald Trump is of course jealous of the attention that Cuomo is getting, so he announced that he, the president, has way more nipples than Andrew Cuomo. All right, Eric, your next quote is from the nation's new favorite celebrity, a man named Joe Exotic.

I'm outspoken, good-looking, love to party, and have fun. Mr. Exotic is the star of the hot show that's making quarantine fun for millions. What's the show? That would be The Tiger King. The Tiger King! You're right! Very good! The documentary series on Netflix is a huge hit right now, probably because it's showcasing the kind of characters that remind you, you really don't want to be around people.

So have you guys seen it? I am all in on Tiger King. Okay, Alonzo, you have to explain this to me because what I have read is that a lot of very dumb people are throwing themselves at these wild animals and getting various body parts maimed and things like that and it's just full of people who are insane. It's even better than that. Alonzo, take it's just full of people who are insane. It's even better than that. How long does it take it away? Okay, Roxanne, so you turn on the TV,

and you see a guy with a blonde mullet and a gun strapped to his thigh with a husband who has three teeth, a bunch of tigers that live in the backyard, an assistant with no legs, another assistant with only one arm, and he's obsessed with killing a woman who wants to save tigers. Now that's the first four minutes. Then it gets crazy. Then it starts. You can't not watch this show. And I will say this, I will say this, you know, black people, people of color have been complaining about not being represented fairly on television and in film. We are so glad there are no black people in the Tiger King. You have no idea. We're like, please don't let us be involved.

And we're not. I got to ask here. Eric answered that pretty quickly. Does a pediatric surgeon who's been working so many hours straight, did you actually have a chance to watch this? So it's actually all the talk in the emergency department right now. Really? It's important to have some laughter along with the medicine. I can see that. I've only seen the first episode, Alonzo. Does everybody end up marrying off in the end? I mean, it's a classical comedy structure. We haven't even touched on the man with three wives.

Right. You see, that's the thing about the Tiger King. No matter what you talk about, there's another level you haven't touched yet. All right. Eric, your last quote is an actual email out-of-office reply. Many thanks for your email. The office for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex has now closed. That office is closed, and the former Duke and Duchess of Sussex

seem to complete their flight from the British royal family by moving where this week? I believe they've moved to the United States, California maybe? Close enough. They've moved to L.A. Very good, Eric. It was just a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan, announced that they were leaving the royal family and moving to Canada.

In other words, they picked exactly the worst time in history to move out of a big castle surrounded by a moat. Everybody started counting down to the inevitable move to LA. I mean, come on, of course she's going to go back to work as an actress and he would love to experience a tan for the first time in his life. The tiger prince and princess. I mean, that's what this reality show is going to be. I mean mean this is a disaster i give it two weeks before he's hanging out with kanye um i mean i think we know why they moved to america now they wanted that 1200 check do we know where in la they're moving to do we know what part of i don't know where they've uh rented or purchased a. Do you know, Mo? I don't know.

I was thinking I would have expected them to move to Anaheim. They've got that castle there. That's true, yes. Very familiar to them. Bill, how did Eric do on our quiz? Eric wins Mo's ventilator by getting all three right. Congratulations, Eric. Thanks for playing. And though we are rarely sincere around here, we sincerely thank you for the work you're doing.

Thank you all very much. Take care. And now it is time for another installment of our new segment, Wash Your Hands With Me, Bill Curtis. As a public service to you, our listeners, we're once again going to take a moment to wash our hands. As you know by now, the best method is with soap and water for 20 seconds. And to make things more fun, Bill here has volunteered to sing his favorite song.

Ready, Bill? Let's get sudsy. Oops, I did it again. I just washed my hands. Got lost in the sink. Oh, baby, baby, oops. You think I'm in love. It's sent from above. I'm super into soap. Yeah. Can I just say that that was the voice of Chicago News singing the

Sud song, and you're wondering why the Tiger King is a hit. Coming up, we're here for you in our Bluff the Listener game called 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Support for NPR in the following message comes from Best Fiends. Have more time on your hands? Connect with family and friends and engage your brain with fun puzzles by downloading Best Fiends, the five-star rated mobile puzzle game with over 100 million downloads. The game is updated monthly, so there are always new levels to play, events to master, and cute characters to collect. And you can play without an internet connection. Download Best Fiends for free on the Apple App

Store or Google Play today. That's friends without the R. Best Fiends. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Mo Rocca, Alonzo Bowden, and Roxanne Roberts. And here again is your host, from his man cave in Chicago, Illinois, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me bluff, the listener game.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Bridget calling from Collierville, Tennessee. Hi, how are you, Bridget? I'm doing well, and yourself? Not too bad, not too bad, even? I'm doing well, and yourself? Not too bad, not too bad, even though I'm speaking to you from inside a closet. How are things in Collierville?

Are you all sheltering in place, I assume? Yeah, actually, and I've just recently returned. I was living abroad in Europe and suddenly had to get on a flight back really quickly, so it's been a really wild adjustment. Yeah, and where are you living now that you had to come home so quickly? Well, like every 30-something-year-old's dream, living back in my childhood bedroom with my parents. Ah!

I smell sitcom. Well, Bridget, it's nice to have you with us. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's Bridget's topic? I was just trying to help. We could all use a helping hand right now, but do not touch that hand. This week we heard a story of things going wrong when somebody really tried to help. Our panelists are going to tell you about it.

Pick the one who's telling the truth, and you'll win our prize, the voice of your choice in your voicemail. Are you ready to play? I am ready. All right, Bridget. First, let's hear from Alonzo Bowden. Aviation tech Alan Lane worked at a wind tunnel facility. Being locked down at home and all this talk of social distancing and an airborne virus gave him an idea.

Just blow the air away from the house. He got a high-powered fan from work and mounted it in the driveway to blow air away from his house. His neighbor Bill thought it was a good idea, so Alan brought him a fan. The Wilsons across the street didn't want the air blowing into their homes, so they needed a fan too. Next thing, there were five fans for eight houses in the cul-de-sac. Now, no one's sure when the problem started. Was it blowing a wasp nest out of a tree into the Wilson's garage with a wind so strong the wasps couldn't escape so they found the kitchen more comfortable? Maybe it was the kids on bicycles whose new favorite stunt is attempting to set speed records

with sails attached to their bikes. Perhaps it's a simple fact that no one in a three block radius can keep a face mask on because of the windstorm. After four days, Allen's experiment was shut down by local police who advised him to turn off the fans, put on a face mask and take the loss of lawn furniture as the cost of a lesson learned. Allen is now at home trying to design a new, more secure face mask. A man brings home his industrial strength fans to help blowing the virus away and trouble ensued. Your next story of help gone wrong comes from Roxanne Roberts. Daniel Reardon had a great idea.

The Australian astrophysicist, a research fellow at Melbourne University, wanted to invent an electronic necklace that prevents people from touching their faces, his contribution to the COVID-19 crisis. Reardon attached four powerful magnets to his wrist, and the necklace was supposed to sound an alarm if his hands got too close to his face. The necklace didn't work, if his hands got too close to his face. The necklace didn't work, so Reardon did what scientists are trained to do.

He started experimenting. What if, instead on his wrist, he put the magnets on his face? Quote, I clipped some magnets to my earlobes and then clipped them to my nostril and things went downhill pretty quickly, he told Guardian Australia. When Reardon put two magnets in his nose, they locked together and he couldn't get them out. So he googled, quote, magnets up nose

and found the story of an 11-year-old who had the same problem. So Reardon tried to remove the magnets by using the other two magnets. Now all four magnets were stuck up his nose and he tried to pull them out with pliers. Quote, every time I brought the pliers close to my nose, my entire nose would shift toward the pliers and then the pliers would stick to the magnet, he said. It was a little bit painful at this point. Reardon ended up in the emergency room where doctors laughed at him, removed the magnets, and recorded the cause of the injury as, quote, due to syph isolation and boredom. An astrophysicist trying to invent a useful device ends up with magnets up his nose in the ER. Our final story of someone putting the ass in assistance comes from Mo Rocca.

With so many waiting out the pandemic in lonely isolation, the hunger for reconnection with family has never been stronger. Enter Family Unions, a startup from entrepreneur Christine Lewin. We thought at this time we could make a difference in people's lives by reuniting them with family members who over time drifted away. Using ancestry records, Family eUnions locates long-lost relatives and arranges a surprise reunion via video chat. For 92 year old Clara Sperduto, an invitation to see her favorite grandson was positively heart-melting. And then she logged onto her computer. When I saw it was Leo, I was just so disappointed.

That kid's many things, a moocher and a bum, and not very bright at all. My favorite grandson, he's not. The whole time he was babbling to me about his business plan for a vaping cafe was time I could have spent with Danielle Steele. Other e-unions have been similarly surprising. I had heard about great-uncle Sid from my parents, says Danny Rothman. He took all their savings for a so-called investment that just couldn't lose, right before he got sent to the slammer for 30 years. Now this guy has my email address. What a nightmare. Honestly,

I just want to be alone right now. All right. Here are your three stories, each about somebody who tried to help us out in the crisis we're in, but did not end up doing so. From Alonzo Bowden, a guy who brought home some powerful wind tunnel machines from work to blow the virus away and instead blew his neighborhood to hell. From Roxanne Roberts, an astrophysicist trying to end up a useful device ends up with magnets up his nose and a plier glued to it. Or from Moe, eUnions, to bring you more family to connect with. It doesn't work because turns out people really don't like their family. Which of these is a real story of an attempt to help gone wrong?

Well, I actually know this one, surprisingly. It was like the one good bit of news I read this week. But I think it's Roxanne's story about the magnets up the nose. Roxanne's story of the magnets up the nose. Because as you said, some guy getting magnets up his nose was the only good news you could find this week? Sadly, yes. All right. Well, you're choosing Roxanne's story with some confidence. Well, to bring you the truth, we spoke to someone very familiar with this true story.

The two magnets that stayed inside clicked together. And because the magnets were so powerful, it took two doctors to pull them out of his nose. That was Naaman Zoh. it took two doctors to pull them out of his nose. That was Naaman Zoh. He's a reporter for Guardian Australia talking about, of course, the astrophysicist with the magnets up his nose. And before you laugh at this guy,

you have to understand within a couple of weeks this is going to seem like a fun thing to do to all of us. Congratulations, Bridget. You got it right. You've earned our prize. You have won a point for Roxanne. She's always grateful. Thank you so much for playing and I hope you can get back to normal as soon as possible.

Great. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you, Bridget. Take care. Take care. Bye-bye. And now the game where we ask people who are hanging around by themselves to hang around with us so that hanging around by themselves won't seem so bad anymore. It's called Not My Job. Kumail Nanjiani was already well-known as a comic and an actor in HBO's Silicon Valley, but the film he made with his wife, Emily Gordon, about their very unusual courtship called The Big Sick

was one of the biggest hits of 2017, earning them an Oscar nomination. So, of course, they've taken that newfound clout and done what every superstar couple dreams of. They have started a podcast. Emily Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you for having us. We're happy to be here, which is not fair. Yes. And how are you guys doing with the sheltering in place and the isolation? Well, you know, it changes every day. I feel like every day is a whole new set of feelings. And it's sort of like, hey, I wonder what today will hold.

If I wake up and look at the news, that changes my whole day. That's correct, which you do as soon as you wake up. I've resisted today and yesterday. The two days prior to that, I was not able to resist and just really worked myself up into a lather by 8.30 a.m. Now, you guys made a movie about how you met called The Big Sick in which Kumail, you actually played yourself. And it was a huge hit. And I think it's true that people sort of fell in love with you as you two fell in love in this successful film so do you feel a particular

obligation not to go crazy and try to kill each other stuck inside all the time but what would be better than that for the sequel obviously it wouldn't be us making it somebody else would have to play we're not gonna work together after no matter what side of the equation I'm on, I'm not going to be in this movie. No, no. I will say I'll hear people on Twitter going, if Kumail and Emily break up, I won't believe in love anymore. That's a lot of pressure. That's a lot of pressure. That's why we're

here to announce we will not be breaking up. We're doing great. You're doing great. I'm glad to hear it. I have to ask about one scene in particular. It's a scene where Emily, the character, is over at Kumail's house and has to get up in the middle of the night and demands to like, I got to go get a cup of coffee at the diner around the street. And it seems incredibly strange that she would want to do this. And it turns out she just really has to go to the bathroom.

So my first question is, A, did that really happen? And secondly, whose idea was it to put it in the movie for people like me to see? It very much was my idea because I was trying to think of milestones of intimacy and relationships that you don't really get to see in movies ever. And I always have talks with my girlfriends of A, when you're early in a relationship, what do you do when you need to poop at the guy's house? It's just a conversation I've had at brunch many times. And everybody's got a fun story of like, oh, I had to go to Target. I had to run to the coffee shop. I had to do this.

But it is a sign, like pretending we don't have any bodily functions to having bodily functions is a progression of a relationship. I'm sorry. So it turns out that all the women I see having brunch in the corner of the restaurant, that's what you're all talking about?

It's just fecal talk the entire time. That's all we discuss. I wanted to ask, at what point in the brunch does that come up? As soon as drinks are ordered, I would say. So yeah, we've talked about your movie, but I think what America wants to hear about is this picture of you, Kumail, a nice geeky South Asian came out and you're not

skinny anymore. No he's not. You became an internet sensation. I did not think it would become as much of a sensation as it did. It was really surprising so I was actually shooting the movie that I got before I posted it and i checked an

hour later and nothing had happened and then i checked an hour later and it had become it was everywhere i was on my twitter feed and it was just my own naked torso over and over and over and it was honestly i felt very well i felt very naked for a very good reason, but I felt emotionally naked as well. I didn't know it was going to turn into what it turned into. First of all, we should explain, you got a role in a Marvel superhero movie, right? Yeah, it's a Marvel superhero movie called Eternals. And they, you know, for me, it was like, I was the first South Asian superhero in a Marvel movie. And I was like, I want this to be a guy who

looks like he can take on someone like thor who can take on someone like captain america you know so that's where i was coming from i didn't want the first uh south asian superhero to also be the first out of shape marvel i was like i want to break just one barrier right now the other one is for someone else so so that's where i came from i was like i have to really get in shape to try and like hang with thor you know um also you love it now i love it yeah i do love it uh but i didn't quite get to thor but that's that that was my effort i are are you able to maintain that at home like when you're not able to go out and go to the gym say while you're sheltering in place let me just really quickly say he's not able to maintain that at home? Like when you're not able to go out and go to the gym, say, while you're sheltering in place? Let me just really quickly say he's not able to maintain it because he's actually added to it in the last three weeks.

Well, I basically right before the quarantine hit, we saw it coming. So I got a set of dumbbells and a bench and we put it in our garage. And I have been working out as if my sanity depends on it. And I have been working out as if my sanity depends on it. I don't know what it is about not being able to control anything in the world that makes me really want to control the one thing I can. It's textbook, Kumail. Well, you know, there's this concept called zero risk bias, where in an uncertain situation, you do something that makes you feel like you're bringing control to the situation.

And that's why most people hoard toilet paper, because it's really cheap and you can feel like you're doing something to control the situation. But you work out, and that's your version of buying toilet paper. That's absolutely right. Yeah, we have no toilet paper, but my biceps look great. Kamail and Emily, it's a pleasure to talk to you. And we have asked you here today to play a game we're calling... The Big Chick.

That's right. You made the movie The Big Sick, so we're going to ask you about The Big Chick, namely Big Bird. Answer. Two out of three questions about the giant whatever it is, and you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they might choose in their voicemail. Bill, who are Kumail and Emily

playing for? Bella Norvig of New York, New York. All right. Here is your first question, guys. You ready to do this? Ready. We're ready. All right. Your first question. Big Bird can be litigious like a lot of giant animals. Big Bird or his human representatives once sued

whom? A. The owners of the Seagram building in New York because he kept walking into the big glass windows and giving himself a concussion. B. Yandy, makers of the sexy Big Bird costume. Or C, the makers of a, quote, male enhancement supplement, which used the slogan, how do you think Big Bird got that way?

Okay. Okay. Okay, let's talk about this. What do you think? It's either the... The sexy costume or the male enhancement. I feel like it's B. I do too.

I think it's B. Are we okay with that? Yeah, let's go B. We're like it's B. I do too. I think it's B. Are we okay with that? Yeah, let's go B. We're going to go B. You're right, guys. Yes! It was fun. It was like wonderful watching your process.

It was like the big sick two. It was great. Yes, the answer is B. It's a pretty sexy Big Bird costume, I have to say. All right. Big Bird has had some amazing achievements while he's away from Sesame Street, such as which of these? Is it A, he ran a faster

40-yard dash than several offensive linemen at the NFL Combine? B, he defeated actor Jason Schwartzman on an episode of Lip Sync Battle? Or C, he took first place at the 2003 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, besting both Joey Chestnut and

Cookie Monster. Okay, so I think we're going to go... A? Let's go A. No, it was actually B. He beat Jason Schwartzman in a rap battle. La, la, la, la. Oh, no. All right, here's your last question.

If you get this, you win it all. Here we go. Big Bird's costume, assuming it's a costume and not an actual bird, is made out of what? A, turkey feathers, but only from the butt of the turkey. B, N95 masks. Or C, leftover parts of Bert. Oh my god. Okay, so this is a tough one. I wonder if you can make N95 masks out of Big Bird's costume, in which case I imagine a bunch of Big Bird costumes

being sent to hospitals all over the country. That is such a heartwarming segment to end a newscast with. Children just crying. I think maybe A is the answer. It feels like they're maybe turkey feathers. We're going to go with A. Yeah. Yes.

It was in fact A. It's made of turkey butt feathers. By the way, that's the same thing that they make those feather boas that the Vegas Showgirls use. Wow, wow, wow. Bill, how did Kumail and Emily do on our quiz? Well, it was quite a journey, but they won. Two out of three is a winning vote. Kumail Nanjiani and Emily Gordon host the podcast Staying In.

They're also producers of Little America on Apple TV. Kumail and Emily, thank you so much for joining us on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. We so appreciate it. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye. In just a minute, Bill puts on his best running slippers for the Listener Limerick Challenge.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. This message comes from NPR sponsor Capital One. This message comes from NPR sponsor Capital One. With a Capital One Quicksilver card, you earn unlimited 1.5% cash back on every purchase everywhere. With Quicksilver, there's no limit to how much cash back you can earn. Capital One, what's in your wallet? Credit approval required. Capital One Bank USA, N.A. required. Capital One Bank USA, N.A.

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, Mo Rocca, and Alonzo Bowden. And here again is your host, from the shoe wing of his walk-in closet, Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill gives his daily briefing about COVID Rhyme Teen. It's the Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, though, it's time for a game we're calling...

The Viral Load. That's's right we're about to throw at you all the coronavirus news that you didn't see this week rapid fire style get your question right you get a point you ready to play yep ready let's do it roxanne you're up first true or false french police reported that one woman called the coronavirus hotline to ask if it was safe for her husband to spend the weekend with his mistress. False. No, it's true. It's France, Roxanne. Of course it's true. Alonzo, seeking advice on how to deal with a virus outbreak.

The president placed a direct call to Alex Azar, Secretary of Health and Human Services. Oh, that'd be false. Right, of course. He called Alex Rodriguez, former baseball player. Roxanne, true or false, the state of Montana issued social distancing guidelines saying that six feet is equivalent to four end-to-end trout or two shovel-nosed sturgeon. True. Yes. Moe, true or false, David Geffen, in a gesture of solidarity,

Instagrammed a photo of himself self-isolating in his $40 million mansion. Of course it had to be true. No, it's false. He is self-isolating in his $40 million mansion. Of course, it had to be true. No, it's false. He is self-isolating in his $200 million... In his cruise ship, I anticipated what you were going to say, and I didn't listen to you. And what lesson have we learned, Moe? Usually I have the audience to remind me to listen to you.

You'd never do it on your own. Alonzo, true or false, a woman in Washington State was disappointed to learn the soap she'd been washing her hands with was not, in fact, antibacterial. False. Right. She was disappointed to learn it was a block of cheese. Roxanne, Israeli

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called together his cabinet to show them film of Iranians conspiring to spread the virus. False. Right. He showed them a clip from a Hallmark television movie that he thought was Iranians conspiring to spread the virus. Moe, a New Yorker attempting to recreate that heartwarming Italy sing-along we saw in video, was joined by over a thousand neighbors in song. False. Yes, he was told to shut the bleep up.

I love New York. I absolutely love my home city. All right, panel. Here are some more questions for you from the week's news. Alonzo, without any games to cover, Fox Sports broadcaster Joe Buck has offered to do play-by-play of the action in any video his fans might send him, but after receiving many submissions he is requesting that people stop sending him their what? Porn.

Well, close enough, their own sex tapes. Listen, it's bad enough to see amateurs at work, We don't need a Joe Buck play-by-play. Exactly right. Do you miss sports? Well, you don't miss sports as much as Joe Buck does. The beloved and behated sports commentator has been providing play-by-play for videos of, oh, kids throwing footballs in the backyard or beer pong games, all really cute, until it wasn't.

It is nice, though, when people are taking precautions so he can say, and he's safe. Well, it makes sense for him to be doing that because his announcing partner, A-Rod, is busy advising the White House on what to do with the coronavirus. That's true. Somebody's got to hold down the fort, Alonzo.

Joe Buck has been getting a lot of sex tapes. People have been sending Joe Buck sex tapes for him to do quote-unquote play-by-play analysis. He could have a whole line of videos called Buck Buddies. It occurs to me that Joe Buck can get back at some of these people by just going ahead with what they asked him to do and doing the play-by-play.

Like, ah, looks like he's using a much smaller bat than expected. Based on his performance, he'll be's using a much smaller bat than expected. Based on his performance, he'll be traded for a player to be named later. And it's game over before the first commercial break. Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT.

That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. And if you want more Wait Wait in your week, check out the Wait Wait quiz for your smart speaker. It's out every Wednesday with me and Bill asking you questions all in the comfort of your home or wherever you have your smart speaker. But if you have it someplace other than your home, you're not going to be dealing with it, are you? Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, this is Andrew Sackman from Lexington, Virginia. How are things in Lexington? They're pretty good. As good as they can be, at least. I know, and are you sheltering in place as well, or do you have one of those essential jobs that get you out of the house? No, I'm not really essential. I actually am an evolutionary virologist. I do experimental evolution with bacteriophage viruses to study the way that viruses adapt to new hosts and new environments.

Wait a minute. You're an evolutionary virologist? Yes. evolutionary virologist? Yeah. Aren't you the guy who's supposed to show up like right before the end of the movie with the solution to it and you convince the president to do it and he does it and you're the hero?

That's a little bit above my pay grade. Well, welcome to the show, Andrew. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly and two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play? Yeah. Here, correctly, two of the limericks will be a winner. You ready to play?

Yeah. Here, sir, is your first limerick. From our waists down, we don't get a glance. So with clothes, we can take a big chance. And now, most online shops show increased sales of tops.

But the customers aren't buying... Pants? Yes! Pants! Sales results from Walmart have seen shirt sales shooting way up, while pant sales went way down. Pants, if you have forgotten, are the things we used to wear on our legs, which, if you've forgotten, are the things we used to use to go outside. You know, leg warmers feel just so strange if you're not wearing pants. That's true. You should avoid that if at all possible. All right, very good.

Here is your next limerick. Woolly mammoths best spicy or sweet, and a saber-toothed loin is a treat. We use mushroom and soy as a moldable toy. We're inventing new kinds of fake... Meat? Yes, very good, meat. Vegetarians love the beefy flavor of Impossible Burgers, so now the company is foraying into new kinds of meat beyond the classic pork, chicken, and whatever's in Taco Bell. The company is being intentionally vague about what exactly,

what kinds of new flavors they'll venture into. It could be something exotic like alligator or maybe wild game or maybe the most dangerous game. Ooh. Wait, who is doing this? Sorry, who is doing this? So this is the Impossible Foods Company. They make the now very famous Impossible Burger,

which is made of plant but looks and tastes very much like beef. So they're now saying, well, you know, if we're faking it, they can make any kind of meat that they can think of, not just pork or beef or chicken. So why not, you know, zebra meat? The company is able to alter the texture and flavor of their product, so there's no reason to limit it. You can make Tiger King a tiger meat.

Oh, that's wrong. You know that guy would leap at the chance to endorse that. All right, here is your last limerick. Though it sounds like a big we don't care-a-thon, we are counting on you to play fair-a-thon. Just go run on your own and keep track on your phone and then send in your time for the... Marathon? Yes, Marathon. The Cleveland Marathon, like a lot of races this spring, they were unable

to reschedule their event, so they've decided to go virtual. Runners can log their miles anytime in the next month. So, look forward to a whole bunch of runners smashing their personal records at this year's Cleveland Marathon. Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. Finished in 35 minutes. And no,

that's not Cheeto dust in my shirt. It's Gatorade powder. I want video of the first annual Oak Park Marathon. Just Peter running up and down his steps for 26 miles. You've missed it, man. I have done it.

After runners have submitted their times, they will be mailed a t-shirt and a medal just as if they ran the real thing along with one of those 26.2 stickers for their car. But this time the number will have air quotes around it. Can I say that I am actually running a marathon right now? You can. As we speak, I am actually running a marathon right now? You can. As we speak, I am setting a record

time. Who is going to deny you? Bill, how did Andrew do in our quiz? Andrew knocked them all down. Came in with a perfect score. Congratulations, Andrew. Well done. Thank you. Now go figure out

how to kill the virus and save the world. I'll work on it. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill-in-the-blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Mo has three points, Alonzo has four, and Roxanne has six. Well done, Roxanne. Well, that means that, Mo, you are in third place, so the clock will start when I begin your first question. According to a new report, favorite son-in-law blank is

controlling the White House's pandemic response from behind the scenes. Junkyard Jared Kushner. Right. On Monday, Representative Mark Meadows resigned from Congress to become President Trump's blank. Campaign manager? Chief of Staff. Yeah. Following weeks of criticism, Ron DeSantis, the governor of Blank, issued a statewide stay-at-home order on Wednesday. Florida. Right. This week, a man in Washington state who hit two parked cars and led police on a high-speed chase explained to officers he was just blanking. Trying to social distance?

No, he was just trying to teach his dog how to drive. On Monday, officials in Japan announced the new dates for the postponed 2020 blanks. Olympics. Right. On Thursday, online giant blank announced it would provide surgical masks for its warehouse workers. Amazon. Right. Although it's technically under lockdown, the streets in a small town in Wales have been filled with blank. Goats. Yes, Mo! Goats! Very good. While all the humans are stuck inside, the suddenly empty city of Landidno has become a complete goatstown. Dozens of goats came down from the nearby mountains and have decided to make the town their home. They've even started taking over local businesses, which is why the Starbucks will never run out of goat milk. Bill, how did Mo do on our quiz?

Mo had five right for ten more points. He now has 13 and the lead. All right. Okay. Alonzo, you're up next. Fill in the blank. On Sunday, blank launched another ballistic missile into the Sea of Japan. North Korea?

Right. On Tuesday, a federal appeals court rejected the Florida GOP's effort to limit felons' blank rights. Voting rights. Yes. Despite virus fears, bookings for blank in 2021 are on the rise. Cruises. Yes, you're in luck, Alonzo. Saying they were needed to protect a dignitary, the Secret Service signed an emergency order for 30 blanks this week. Golf carts.

Right. After being quarantined, an Australia actor and sometimes guest host blank returned to the United States on Monday. Tom Hanks. Yes. A man aboard during quarantine conducted a long investigation and discovered that the name for Triscuit Crackers comes from blank. The name for Triscuit Crackers comes from biscuits? No, it comes from electricity. You see, if you look at Triscuits, obviously the skits part is biscuits, but what's the tr part? And he found out it's electricity.

He also found out a variation created to be served at circumcision ceremonies are called the brisket. Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz? are called the brisket. Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz? Alonzo had five right for ten more points. He now has 14 and takes over the lead. And what does Roxanne have to do to walk away with this? She only needs four to tie, five to win.

Oh, here we go, Roxanne. It's almost too easy. Can I just interrupt for one second, Peter? Can I just interrupt just to say all these years, I've always found it sweet the way that Bill will say that we're in the lead, right, before the other people, before the other panelists have answered the speed round yet. It feels like a t-ball game or something. It really does. Everybody's a winner on this game. All right, Roxanne, this is for the game. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, the DNC announced it was postponing the blank until August.

The nominating convention. Yes. On Monday, the Fed predicted that U.S. blank rates could hit 32%. Unemployment. Yes. This week, Mike Pence blamed the U.S.'s slow response to blank on the CDC. Unemployment. Yes, this week Mike Pence blamed the U.S.'s slow response to blank on the CDC. Coronavirus. Right. After another drop on Tuesday, the blank had its worst first quarter since the 2008 financial crisis. Wall Street. Right.

This week a cyclist had to be airlifted to the hospital after he crashed his bike while raising money for blank. Uh, uh, bicyclists. No, for rescue helicopters. On Monday, researchers confirmed the first ever heat wave in blank. Antarctica. Right. On Wednesday, the FDA recalled

heartburn medication blank over fears it may cause cancer. Xantax. Right. An online work meeting went off the rails this week when the woman running it accidentally blanked.

Oh, when she posted a picture of herself as a potato. Close enough. She accidentally turned on a filter that made her look like a potato and couldn't figure out how to turn it off. It's one of the most common problems with virtual meetings. You gather the whole team together, and then one of you turns into a potato with big red lips and droopy eyes. Apparently, the filter is just one of many fun options

Microsoft includes in its meeting software. Unfortunately, the woman couldn't find out how to turn it off, so she was forced to be a work potato until the end of the meeting when she transitioned into a couch potato. She was wearing one of those tuber tops. Bill, Roxanne did. All eyes were on her.

I'm not even going to pose this as a question, Bill. Roxanne did well enough to win, right? She got seven right for 14 more points. Listen to this. With Mr. Potato Head, she got 20 points, and she's the winner this week again. Congratulations. Yeah, it was close.

It was. You guys. Real male biter. You gave her a game, though. You gave her a game. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions,

Doug Berman, Benevolent Overload. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern is Emma Day. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BJ Lederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills,

Miles Dernbos, and Lillian King. Our Zoom meeting virtual background is Peter Nguyen. Technical direction is from Lorna White. Our business and ops manager is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Michael Danforth.

Now, panel, what is now the most exciting thing on your schedule? Mo Rocca. I am going to give a haircut to my chia pet. Hey! Roxanne Roberts. The White House Correspondents Association dinner has been canceled, so I'm going to put on an evening gown, drink too much champagne, and make fun of my cats. And Alonzo Bowden. The third week of April, I'm going to sleep in my guest room and call it a road gig. Well, if any

of you do those things, panel, we'll ask you about it right here on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Mo Rocca, Roxanne Roberts and Alonzo Bowden. Thanks to all of you for listening. I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.