Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Mike Murphy

Episode Date: October 31, 2020

Mike Murphy, political strategist, joins us along with panelists Alonzo Bodden, Faith Salie, and Adam Burke.Learn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. Don't worry about your mail-in ballot. You've got me, your mail-in billet, Bill Curtis. And here's your host, a man who this Halloween will have to toilet paper his own house. Peter Sago. Thank you, Bill. And thanks once again to our fake audience, which this week is all the people Kim Kardashian paid to welcome her on that private island for her birthday party. Our guest this week, political strategist Mike Murphy,

has spent his life helping Republican candidates from John McCain to Mitt Romney to Jeb Bush run for president. So he's the perfect person to convince your opponent to hire. We'll ask him what we can expect next week other than the possible end of the world. But you can make your voice heard by calling us up, winning our games, and then electing any of our voices you like as your prize. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, Leslie Shelton here from Lubbock, Texas. Hey, how are things in Lubbock? Well, things are kind of sketchy right now with

the whole COVID thing. Yeah, things are pretty sketchy all over. Everybody says that this year, for the first time in decades, Texas could be a swing state. So do you swing? Oh, I'm swinging like crazy. Really? You think there's a chance that it might go either way, as they say? Well, it's close enough that they're saying that, so I've got my fingers crossed. I've got my fingers crossed. Well, Leslie, welcome to the show. Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a comedian and host of the popular cocktail comedy series The 5 O'Clock Somewhere News, available on YouTube and Instagram.

It's Adam Burke. Hello. Hi. Next, she's a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning, and this week, press secretary for 104.5-year-old Ruth Rosner, whom Faith took to vote, and whose story has gone internationally viral. It's Faith Saley. Hello, Faith. Hello.

And a comedian who'll be part of the Vote No Joke special on Election Day. More info at aafront.org backslash VNJ. It's Alonzo Bowden. Hello, Leslie. Well, welcome to the show, Leslie. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show that you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

I'm ready. All right, here is your first quote. Waited in line for over an hour to do it, but got a free sandwich, so it was worth it. That was a woman named Sarah Kay on Twitter. She was one of the millions of people who waited in long lines to do what this week? Early voting. Yes, indeed, to vote. It was the last week before Election Day, although these days it's really election season or election ongoing nightmare from which we cannot wake.

Seriously, the 2020 election is one of those annoying people who say, it's my birthday month. after November 3rd, what with all the mail-in ballots, desperately long lines, fights over fraud, and the fact that all of Florida's votes are counted by one 87-year-old woman from Boca named Doris. But don't worry, she expedites the process by throwing out any names she can't pronounce. Have you guys been out to vote yet? Have you done it? Oh, Lord. So, first of all, this quotation, this woman says she stood in line for an hour and that's long i don't know what it's like where y'all are but but the the lines in new york city are four

to six hours long and there's already enough urine on the sidewalks of new york we don't need this this this is in fact one of the things that's been going on this kind of throw down about what trouble people had to go through to vote you People are like, I stood in line four hours. Well, I stood in line 10 hours and my phone battery died, so I had to play bejeweled with pebbles I found in the sidewalk. Well, I'm not a citizen, but I think I am going to vote just so I have the worst story. It's like I voted and I got arrested. Hey, Adam, just head on down to Florida and go ahead. There are no rules down there.

I'm going down there to vote three more times. I should say it's mostly Democrats talking about standing in long lines for hours. But to be fair, Don Jr. did lines for four hours on Monday. The frustrating thing is that after all this buildup, we will not know who won on election day. We'll have to spend a week staring at returns coming in, trying to figure out what each data point means. It's like your doctor deciding to tell you whether or not you have cancer via charades. Two what? Two weeks? Two more? What? Oh, oh, tumor. Tumor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Leslie, your next quote is from a team official for the L.A. Dodgers. We're going to get a picture and then get him off the field. He was referring to player Justin Turner, who tested positive for COVID in the midst of doing what? Playing the final game of the World Series. Exactly right, which they won, of course. Every little leaguer dreams of this, winning the World Series in a mostly empty stadium after a shortened season with no fans

and celebrating with a mandatory 14-day quarantine. In the seventh inning of Tuesday's final and deciding game in the World Series, Dodgers star Justin Turner got pulled from the field because he had tested positive. And then he came back after the game to celebrate with his team after they won. Now, to be fair, he had to be there to accept his most infectious player award. M.I.P. M.I.P.

Well, in his defense, he knew they didn't have to go to work the next day. That's true. Everybody gets sick. I think it was a dead giveaway when he slid into home and the umpire was like, not safe. How did they not know until the middle of the game? Well, that's the crazy thing. Nobody really understands that. I mean, it's possible that Turner had dipped his beard

in a bowl of COVID a week ago and it took that long for it to crawl up to his face. Or maybe he just went old school and stumbled into the dugout and caught it from a bat. What position does Justin Turner play? Because if he were outfield, he'd be fine. I think it's prone now. Third base. He's

the third baseman. I mean, so he goes back in and I heard somewhere that he didn't have his mask on the whole time. He is the exact opposite of a team player. Of course, well, they had to put him in. Who else could have gone 0 for 3 with two strikeouts? Now you're

sick, aren't you, Justin? Ha! All right. Your last quote, Leslie, is from a very excited scientist. You're not going to believe this. There it is. It's so obvious. That was a scientist named Casey Honnibal who found hard evidence for water where? On the moon? On the moon! That's exactly right, Leslie. Last week, NASA teased us. They said they had a huge announcement about a discovery in the moon, and we all fell for it again. Would it be alien life? Proof that the Apollo landings were fake? Did they find a reliable supply of toilet paper?

No, it turns out it's that the moon is former Homeland Security Chief of Staff Miles Taylor. So disappointing. No, actually, the news was they found water. Again. They announced water in the moon years ago. Can they at least come up with a more interesting liquid? It's not just water. It's LaCroix.

They say it's moon flavored, but it all tastes the same. Wait, they found water before? So why is this announcement so exciting? The reason it's supposedly exciting is they had found water at the poles in a frozen state. But now they said they found it in sort of the sunlit spots of the moon. So it's like, this is amazing. What are these little puddles in the moon doing there? Suddenly Buzz Aldrin had someplace else he had to be.

Do you think Space Force is going to do something with this? Go there and lick it up. I feel like if we get another four years of Trump in his Space Force, he'll create like some kind of, you know, he'll take Miss Universe contestants and have them do synchronized swimming on the moon. It's possible. He's going to use the little water on the moon to have a wet t-shirt contest. Do you think maybe they've discovered far more, but they've realized we as a nation have been

dumbed down so much, they're just like, tell them about the water again. They love that. They actually found fish on the moon. They're like, let's start with water. Build our way up to it. Bill, how did Leslie do on our quiz? Leslie's very happy.

She got three right. Congratulations, Leslie. Well done. Thank you. Leslie, take care, stay safe, and we'll see you when all this is over. Thank you so much. Y'all have a great day. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Adam, according to the Wall Street Journal, the Trump administration planned to have a vaccine available by Thanksgiving, and they were going to use what important group of social influencers to convince people to take it? Oh, um, the Kardashians? No, they're not available. They're on their island. Oh, that's right. And they deserve it, Adam.

No mockery. Sure. More old school group of influencers. Oh, um, the Mouseketeers? I don't know. I'll give you a hint. Well, little girl, isn't what you really want for Christmas a strengthened immune system? Oh, is it like department store Santa Claus?

Exactly right. Mall Santas. Trump appointee Michael Caputo developed this publicity campaign in which mall Santas this year would appear at events to promote the benefits of the Trump administration's COVID vaccine. And if they did it, they were promised early access to the vaccine themselves, which is a pretty sweet deal for a population who, if they're lucky, might get early access to the Auntie Annie's pretzel counter. So the mall Santas with the children in their laps weren't creepy enough. Now they're going to actually know you don't want a new bicycle. You want a drug.

And guess what I have? So that song, what I saw, Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Santa Claus wasn't kissing Mommy. He was inoculating her. Exactly. And can't you just imagine as the children get off of Santa's lap, the little elves lead them away and quickly stick them with needles on their way out. Now, the idea that mall Santas are influencers that will release this scientific information

that the nation has been waiting for is why NASA won't tell us about anything more than water. They're like, water is enough. They won't understand the big words. Bring it on, Santa. Coming up, our panelists tell you how you live your best pandemic life. It's the Bluff listener game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT-TO-PLAY.

We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. On the next episode of Louder Than a Riot, how a law meant to control the mob changed the mixtape game forever. Gangsta grills is the biggest thing arguably ever in the mixtape's history. Don't tell me that what we're doing is wrong. Listen now to Louder Than a Riot, a podcast from NPR Music. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz.

I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Alonzo Bowden, Adam Burke, and Faith Saley. And here again is your host, a man who by any other name would smell as sweet, Peter Sagal. Thank you so much, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me Bluff the Listener Game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Hi, this is John calling from Detroit. Hey, how are things in Detroit? You know, there's a pandemic. What do you do there in Detroit? I work as the head preparator and exhibitions coordinator for the Cranbrook Art Museum here. Oh, very cool. Do you have a specialty as a curator? Actually, my job is to set up the exhibition. So I manage all of the art handling and install work and construction and design of the exhibitions. I've always wondered this, because I know how much care you guys take moving art. Have you ever dropped something?

Not in artwork, but I have dropped some tools from ladders up pretty high. And it did crush a 4,000-year-old face, but you didn't drop the vase, and that's the important thing. Yeah, that's the important thing. John, it's great to have you with us. You're going to play the game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what's John's topic? Turn that lockdown frown upside lockdown down. People have been getting through this pandemic in all kinds of ways.

They're getting dogs, they're baking bread, they're dodging high school Zoom reunions. Our panelists are going to tell you about a surprising new way someone is coping with pandemic life. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You will win our prize, the weight waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Ready to play? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. First, let's hear from Adam Burke.

Ready to play? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. First, let's hear from Adam Burke. While a new DNA study has shown that dogs are humans' longest running animal companion, clocking in at some 11,000 years, they are about to be surpassed as humankind's pet du jour by a creature that has taken about that long to slither into our collective affections. That's right. The humble garden snail has emerged as the domesticated

animal a la mode. And by a la mode, we mean in the sense of all the rage and not a la mode in the sense of smothered in ice cream for a Frenchman's breakfast. The most recent wave of mollusk mania began as all things must on TikTok when a user called Lazy Mermaid posted a video of her sister's pet gastropod taking a shower in the sink, which American TikTok thought was cute and Parisian TikTok thought was a recipe. With hundreds of people taking to the slimy critter, it can only be a matter of time

before they replace the canine supremacy in popular culture. A remake of Old Yeller, perhaps, called Old Sheller, which ends with Travis tearfully walking into the woods with a container of salt. Or Disney's The Incredible Journey, transformed from an 80-minute movie about dogs going home to an all-snail version, which will be the longest film in cinematic history. Or, of course, a modest-themed redo of Marley and Me, entitled Marley et Moi, which will appear exclusively in France on the Food Network. People adopting pet snails during the pandemic out of, I guess, a desperation for company. Your next story of a quarantine coper comes from Faith

Saley. The pandemic has been a hairy situation for most of us, which is why Austin couple Violet and Dashiell Gibbs decided to turn people's pandemic hair into art. Last month, when Dashiell, a beekeeper, finally cut the footlong beard he'd been growing since March, Violet couldn't bear to let her husband's wiry red and gray strands go. Nor could she throw out the locks of her nine-year-old twins, Simone and Beckett. I didn't even want to compost their hair, says Violet, who's a doula. It all meant too much. It was a metaphor for the wildness and growth we've experienced during this time. So she and Dashiell braided the family hair into a frame in which their kids placed a word cloud of their feelings. After posting their creation on Facebook, they

were besieged by folks asking if the Gibbs would weave other families' hair into art. At first, they did it for free. They braided tree ornaments, created hair mosaics, even covered a zadaka box for a rabbi friend. But after a while, they needed to charge for their work. We were receiving strangers' hair that had stuff like banana bread batter in it, and it was taking a lot of our time, Daschle explains. You can now find the Gibbs Company on Etsy. It's called, of course,

Shelt Hair in Place. A family in Austin turning to making art from all that excess pandemic hair. Your last story of a hot new pandemic trend comes from Alonzo Bowden. We're all staring at screens these days, Zoom after Zoom, but it takes a special kind of guy to get obsessed with how fast he's Zooming. Lance Panya, an IT supervisor in Delaware, was comparing download speeds with his pal coder Peter Jones. Yeah, he said, my 1000 MPS system really works for me. 1000, laughed Jones. How long does it take you to watch an episode of The Office? Two weeks? And it was on. Panya spent $1,700 to upgrade his system to 2,000 MPS. Jones countered with a $10,000 internet node that got him up to 3,000. Pretty soon they had reached the

technological limits, so they had to get creative. Panya installed his own diesel generator so he wouldn't lose speed to power fluctuations. Jones told his wife and daughter to move out so they wouldn't suck up bandwidth with their stupid movies. Just until we know who's boss, he said. Pretty soon, the competition spread through tech websites. Nerds all over the country were hot-rodding their internet trying to get to the unreachable ideal faster than light wi-fi jones who by his own admission has spent fifty thousand dollars on his pursuit including the cost for a divorce lawyer says he doesn't regret a thing i have a dream he says for someone to get an email from me before I send it. All right, then somebody figured out something to do to pass the time during the pandemic from Adam Burke. Is it that people are adopting pet snails?

So adorable. So easy to care for from Faith Saley, a family that started making beautiful crafts out of all that excess pandemic hair growth, or from Alonzo Bowden, a group of geeks who were competing with each other to get the ultimate download speed. Which of these is a real story of pandemic pastimes in the news? Well, we took up chickens during this pandemic, but I'll have to go on a similar route and go with the snail story. All right, then you You've chosen Adam's story of snail pets. Well, we spoke to someone who actually is pursuing this pastime. I was thinking about buying a dog during the pandemic, but that seemed like a lot of maintenance.

And they were having a two-for-one deal on snails. So that's how I ended up with two snails during the pandemic. It was a bargain. That was Madison Herberbrand. She is a proud pandemic snail owner. Congratulations. You got it right. You earned a point for Adam.

You've won our prize, the voice of your choice on your voicemail. Thank you so much for playing with us today. Yeah, thank you, guys. Congratulations, and take care out there. Yeah, you all as well. And now the game where people who've spent years acquiring expertise find it all useless. It's called Not My Job. I'd call political consultant Mike Murphy a hack, but he beat me to it. He hosts the podcast Hacks on Tap with David Axelrod and Robert Gibbs, where they talk about their experiences running campaigns.

He's done it for John McCain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Mitt Romney. These days, he consults for the group Republican Voters Against Trump, and we are delighted to have him here. Mike Murphy, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Talk. Thank you for having me. I'm excited. It's a pleasure to have you here, especially this week. And we want to talk to you about all kinds of things about the election. But I'm very curious. I know what kind of people grew up to be comedians, very nervous, insecure. I know what kind of people grew up to be comedians, very nervous, insecure people. But what kind of people grew up to be political consultants? Well, boy, it's a whole gamut of weirdos and strange people because it's kind of an eccentric business. I mean, I got there because I picked the wrong major in school. I was a Russian area

studies major back in Georgetown. And by the time they'd beaten Russian into me and all this Cold War stuff in the early 80s, I figured out that the Russians couldn't build a toaster. So I was very interested in politics. I love theater. And the theater of politics was attractive. So a broke down congressman who nobody would work for hired me out of my dorm room to make a few radio spots, and he won. And next thing you know, I'm a political consultant. So everybody has a story like that in this business. So how do you know? I mean, because you're supposed to be the guy who says, this is what the ad should say. This is the message.

How in the world do you know those things? Well, we kind of cheat. You know, we poll people. We call them up and ask them questions scientifically. And amazingly, they tell us a lot of stuff. And we just try to move them around with advertising and speeches and all the stuff you do in a campaign. In most places, 80% of the vote is predetermined. You know, they're going to vote for a bag of nails if it has an R or a D after it. But that 15 to 20%, you can persuade the whole campaign is about trying to move them. And they're stubborn. The joke campaign consultants call

voters affectionately is goats because they're hard to move. But if you can move them, you can win an election. Well, you'd be surprised what we call you guys. Well-earned, I'm sure. What do you do when those middle voters, those voters you need to convince, want something really, really stupid? Well, you know, in the great American democracy, there's nothing in the Constitution that morons don't have a voice. Occasionally, we elect a few. So, you know, you try to keep them away from sharp tools and anything flammable, but you talk to people in their own language. And that's one thing Donald

Trump, he speaks moron really, really well. That's both one of his strengths and one of his disgraces. In this election, Mike, what we keep hearing is that there aren't so many people up for grabs. So what do you do in an election like this when there's not so many people to persuade? Well, it is a smaller universe. You're right. But we go to the highly technical political consulting tool of the hammer and chisel, and we just try to chip them off. I mean, one thing we're doing at our vet is we're running what we call a permission campaign to give Republicans it's okay to leave the herd this time. I mean, I like to joke I'm supporting Biden, but I'm renting, I'm not buying. And if we can take Trump down to 89% of Republicans instead of 95, even that little move there, that can flip a state. RVAT is Republican Voters Against

Trump. And that's a group you've been a part of how long now? I joined it because when I'm on that team, and second, I thought, hey, let's go to Florida, because if you win Florida, it's over. And I've done a lot of races down there. I was Jeb Bush's guy in his governor races. So we pulled together about 10 million bucks, and we've been pounding the hell out of them down in Florida. Project Orange Crush, we call it. We're better at politics than puns, but it's the best thing we had in the day we had to figure it out. And so that's been going on since early spring. Now, you're running against Trump as a consultant, but you've done it before. You weren't working on the Jeb Bush campaign in 2016, but you were with a PAC that was supporting

him, right? Yeah, it was fun. The problem is Republican primary voters, they wanted an outsider. And they saw Trump as somebody who was credentialed outside of politics. I mean, even if all he did was sit in a cardboard boardroom and pretend to fire Gilbert Gottfried, who was paid to be there for not selling enough popcorn, it gave him this persona as the can-do guy. You know, he straightened out Gary Busey. He can run the country. the can-do guy. You know, he straightened out Gary Busey. He can run the country. So what happens if the president loses a reelection and leaves office? What happens to the Republican Party? Do all the people who, like right now, are aiding and abetting say,

Donald who? Do they all pretend that they didn't mean it the whole time? Or do they all come out and say, no, no, it was just a terrible dream. It's all over and go back to trying to be normal? Or is this a permanent change? I think there'll be a big civil war in the Republican Party about our future. And I think a lot of the collaborate. I mean, I'd love to do show trials. I mean, I want the Home Improvement Commission from Tin Man with the ceiling fans and the whole deal and haul them all up. So that brings up, I guess, one of my last questions is, are you looking forward to going back to being evil once this is over?

I have major evil plans. I'm going to make Dracula look like my goose. I can hardly wait. But when you say you think there's a coming civil war inside the Republican Party, who's on the side of good? Who's on the side of repentant? I mean, you've got Mitt Romney and Jeff Flake, and you talk about walking away from losers. Not so much good, but less evil. Wait, I thought this was limbo. Am I on NPR or something? What the hell's going on? There's a lot of good. There's room for a center-right,

and I think we're right on most policy. What drives me crazy is when the left does stuff I don't like as a conservative, I got no high moral ground anymore. What am I going to say? My guy just, you know, ate his hat. I mean, you know, so we're not even in the game. Well, Mike Murphy, it is great to talk with you, but we have invited you here to play a game we're calling Consulting Meet Insulting. You do consulting, which is cool, but you know what's really cool? Insulting. We're consulting, which is cool, but you know what's really cool? Insulting. We're going to ask you three questions about insults through the ages. Get two right, you win a prize for one of our listeners, the voice of anyone they may choose for your voicemail. Bill, who is Mike Murphy playing for? Jen Lee of San Francisco, California. You know, it occurs to me, Mike, after talking to you for a while,

I think you're probably rather familiar with the art of the insult. That's a stupid question. Yeah, maybe, maybe once in a while. Well, let's see how you do here. Here's your first question. Insults in the 18th century were a bit more creative than they are now. Which of these was a common insult in 1700s Britain? A, you are a thief and a murderer. You have killed a baboon and stolen his face. B, I'm not so concerned that you might contract the pox as I am that the pox might contract you. Or C, your mother is of particularly large dimension. Tough one. I'm going to rule out A because it's right out of my dream journal.

So I'm going to go. B sounds like Talleyrand, the great insulter of Napoleonic France. So I'm going to go with B. Wow. You actually attributed something we made up to Talleyrand. I'm very impressed. It was A. It was A.

You're a thief and a murderer. You've killed a baboon and stolen his face. They're very colorful back then. This is not a problem. You've killed a baboon and stolen his face. They're very colorful back then. This is not a problem. You have two more chances. Not everyone handles insults and good humor as proven by which of these? A, Pope Francis, who once said that he would punch anyone that insulted his mother. B, Mother Teresa, who once said, next person who makes a penguin joke gets typhus.

Or C, Mr. Rogers, who once shouted, touch my sweater again and I'll end you. Wow. I think A sounds right to me. You're right. Pub Francis is, in fact, a mother's boy. He said that about his mother. This is great.

If you get this last one right, you win. Even the classiest of people occasionally need to lash out. Which one of these cultural icons was known to unleash a sick burn? Was it A, Ludwig von Beethoven, who once told a fellow composer, I like your opera. I think I will set it to music. B, Mahatma Gandhi, who when asked, what do you think of Western civilization, replied, I think it would be a good idea. Or C, Pope John XXIII, who when asked how many people work in the Vatican, replied, about half.

I'm going to go to A again. You're going to go to A again. You're right, but all three of them were in fact real. Oh, really? Yes, you were right, of course. Bill, how did Mike Murphy do on our quiz? Two out of three. Mike, you're a winner. Oh, really? Yes, you were right, of course. Bill, how did Mike Murphy do on our quiz? Two out of three. Mike, you're a winner. Well, congratulations. One more victory to put in your belt. But I am now, as a person hosting you, obligated to ask you the question,

which you, as a political consultant guesting on a show, are obligated to answer. What's going to happen on Election Day? Joe Biden is going to beat Donald Trump like a slow government mule. All right. He's going to win Florida early, and he's going to break them quick. All right. Well, we'll check back in with you to see how you did. Mike Murphy is a political consultant and reluctant Biden voter. You can hear him twice a week on the Hacks on Tap podcast.

More information is at hacksontap.com Mike Murphy what a joy to talk to you it's just been awesome thank you so much for staying with us thank you of all the media I've done this has impressed my wife more than anything so thanks for having me on in just a minute Bill visits the most delicious place in the Arctic Circle

and consoles a lonely fish. It's our Listener Lumerick Challenge. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us on the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. Voting is brutal. And I don't give a damn how you look at it. Is this a man? It was we the people.

The land of the free and the home of the brave. Not we the white male citizens. Misrepresentative Democracy. A new series about voting in America from NPR's ThruLine. Listen now. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We're playing this week with Faith Saley, Alonzo Bowden, and Adam Burke. And here again is your host, the man who has just organized his sock drawer alphabetically. Peter Sagal.

Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill sets his watch to Central Standard Rhyme in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, it's time for a game we're calling... Ballot Dump. No, it's not what we found in a ditch in Pennsylvania. It's a roundup

of some of the week's election news rapid fire true false style. Get yours right, you get a point. Ready to go, guys? Here we go. Alonzo, true or false? At an election rally in Michigan, President Trump told suburban women he'd be helping them get back to work. False. Right. He said he'd be, quote, getting your husbands back, quote, Faith, true or false? Speaking about his campaign in Texas, Joe Biden said, True? Yes. Adam, true or false?

Campaigning in Arizona, President Trump introduced Senator Martha McSally by saying, She's my partner in the Senate, sort of like my political Melania. False. Right. He said, quote, Martha, come up fast, fast, fast. Come on, quick. You got one minute. One minute, Martha. You know how I knew that was false? It was a full sentence. Alonzo, true or false, during last week's airing of The Bachelorette, a Detroit TV station accidentally broadcast the results of next week's election in the middle of the episode.

True. True. Yes. They're running a test. Faith, true or false, the Taliban issued a statement threatening a cyber attack on Tuesday's election? True. No, false. The Taliban issued a statement endorsing Donald Trump for president. Alonzo, true or false, Libertarian candidate Joe Jorgensen is protesting that she was left off of CNN's America Votes graphic? True. No, false. She

was protesting that she was left off Nickelodeon's Kids Vote graphic. That's all for this week's ballot dump. We'll do it the next time. The fate of the world hangs in the hands of some people in the Philadelphia suburbs. All right, some questions for you about the rest of the week's news. Faith, a New York State trooper was suddenly transferred from his post in Albany up to a remote town near the Canadian border. New York political observers believe that was because the trooper made what key mistake? He made the mistake of dating the governor's daughter. That's exactly right, Faith.

Trooper Dane Pfeiffer, 35, has been seeing Kara Kennedy Cuomo, 25, since they met when he went above and beyond the call of protective duty. He threw his body in front of hers and there wasn't even anybody shooting.

The New York State Police say it was a routine transfer, but the governor says, if I see you sniffing around her again, you'll be inspecting pizza ovens in Buffalo. Now, the governor Cuomo actually denies having anything to do with it. He says, I'm the governor of the whole state and there's no better place to work than beautiful farthest point away from my daughter. The trooper said he intended to comply with his orders to report to the new station located in the middle of the woods that you have to walk to after the bus drops you by the side of a deserted highway.

You think he was telling one of his buddies on protection detail? Yeah, I went out with her. What's the worst that could happen? You don't want to mess with Uncle Chris Cuomo's guns. Right, that's true. Have you seen that guy? Yeah. He works out.

The governor's daughter sounds like one of those awful young adult Christmas love stories on Netflix. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. This is a Lifetime movie, right? Yeah, Liam Neeson plays the governor. Yeah. Right, right. I have certain skills. I wish you wasn't so I miss you still

And I always will Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's a game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or you can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. Also check out the Wait Wait quiz for our smart speaker. Bill and I ask you questions from the comfort of your own home.

Just think of us as houseguests that never have to use the bathroom. Hi, you're on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Andrew calling from Charlotte, North Carolina. Hey, how are things in Charlotte? You know, all things considered, I think we're doing pretty well. What do you do there? I am a professional musician. I'm specifically a professional church musician.

I play organ, piano, harpsichord. I compose and I direct choirs. All right. I have a question for you. Yes. Because I'm going to admit something. I have decided to like spend my pandemic recently trying to learn the piano. How, speaking to a professional musician,

how do you get your left hand to do something entirely different than your right hand at the same time? One hand at a time and then add them together. And if you think that's fun, try doing it with the organ where you get to use your feet at the same time. Whoa! Well, Andrew, welcome to the show. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related

limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play? I sure am. Here is your first limerick. With my Oreos, I am a dunker. When the world goes dark, we both shall hunker. When the space rocks assault, we'll be safe in our vault. As my cookies stay safe in my... Bunker?

Yes, bunker! After the apocalypse comes, we may be reduced to eating each other, but at least we'll have dessert. The company that makes Oreos has announced the creation of the Oreo Vault, apocalypse comes, we may be reduced to eating each other, but at least we'll have dessert. The company that makes Oreos has announced the creation of the Oreo Vault, a secure storage facility on an Arctic island. The vault is bomb-proof, weather-proof, and hopefully college roommate-proof. It was built near the very real and very serious Global Seed Vault. That's intended to help rego crops following an extension level event which is nice

but vegetables do not have a cream filling so the nabisco company uh say they built the vault in response to the news of an asteroid that has a 0.41 chance of colliding with earth surely that oreo vault should only open once we finished finished everything in the vegetable vault. Exactly. You don't get to go into the Oreo vault until you finish the vegetable vault. Oh, Mom, no. I hope there's a milk vault nearby. Exactly. Andrew, here is your next limerick. Every fall we turn into a bumpkin. For one flavor, we act like we're drunken. For seasonal spice, we will pay a high

price. We pay extra for foods labeled pumpkin. Yes, very good. Fall is in the air, so it's time to put on a scarf, jump in some leaves, and pay 175% premium for food flavored like the world's hardest vegetable. According to a new study, pumpkin flavored products are priced way higher than their boring, unseasonal counterparts. A box of pumpkin cookies at Whole Foods, for example, costs almost twice the amount as their chocolate cookies because everybody knows that if you eat nutmeg and cinnamon together at any other time of year, you die. Can I ask a scientific question about the pumpkin? You may, Adam. If you carved a design into a pumpkin seed, would it grow into a jack-o'-lantern?

And wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't that save us all a lot of time? You're a stranger to our customs, are you not, Mr. Burke? Well, you know what's great? you know what's great about the pumpkin like they charge more for anything made from pumpkin but when you're making a jack-o'-lantern you take everything inside the pumpkin throw all of that away just throw that away and somebody said wait a minute wait a minute. Wait a minute. We can get some cash for that. Someone's like, you know they have lamps, right? Buy a lamp. All right.

Very good. Here is your last limerick. When they bring me new tank mates, I greet them. This old grouper is happy to meet them. But soon my new friends will face the same end. I get peckish, and then I just... Eat them? Eat them!

That's right! The staff at an aquarium in Finland threw a birthday party this week to cheer up Mikko the grouper, who had been showing signs of loneliness because Mikko has eaten every other fish they put in his tank to keep him company. Now, Mikko is, of course, lonely, but come on, Mikko, what did those other fish that

used to be your friends all have in common? That's right, you having eaten them. Maybe you're the problem here, okay? He told him they had to swim with the fishes exactly couldn't they just throw in a fish bigger than miko did that ever occur to anyone for his party they threw him a party the staff brushed his scales which they had to do carefully because this is true the last time they brushed him he ate the brush and this is some grouper and then they gave him like a salmon cake which raises the question why are are we enabling Mikko? You don't throw a cannibal a birthday party and give him a people cake. Bill, how did Andrew do on our quiz?

Andrew got every handful of pumpkin muck we threw at him. He got them all right. Congratulations, Andrew. Thank you all so much. Take care. You too. Friends are the best. Yes, sirree. Andrew. Thank you all so much. Take care. You too. Now on to our final game, lightning fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is now worth two points. Bill, can you give us

the scores? Alonzo has four, Faith has four, and Adam has five. All right, Alonzo and Faith are tied for second, and I'm going to arbitrarily pick Alonzo because nothing means anything anymore. Okay, Alonzo, you're up first. The clock will start when you begin your first question. Fill in the blank. This feels like old news, but on Monday, the Senate voted 52 to 48 to confirm Amy Coney Barrett to the blank. Supreme Court. Right. On Thursday, Dr. Fauci called for a nationwide blank mandate. Mask. Right. Following the police shooting of Walter Wallace, hundreds of people have taken to the streets of blank to protest. Philadelphia. Right. A robotic camera trained to recognize and follow the ball at a soccer game in Scotland missed the action because blank. Battery went dead?

No, it thought the referee's bald head was the ball. On Sunday, Delta added... Hey, hey, hey, hey. I know, man, I know. Now the robots. On Sunday, Delta added 460 passengers to their no-fly list for refusing to blank. Wear masks or follow COVID rules. Residents of Oakland were able to breathe easier this week after officials reported that blank will be no longer terrorizing their neighborhood. The forest fires, the smoke? No, they will no longer be terrorized by Gerald,

the overly aggressive wild turkey. Gerald is a 20-pound wild turkey who roamed the streets of Oakland, attacking dozens of people and forcing the closure of a nearby community garden that he had claimed for his own. Fortunately, wildlife experts were able to catch and relocate him before he executed his next attack, stuffing a chicken inside of a duck inside of a man to create a classic Thanksgiving man-duckin'. You know, I have a grouper that Gerald should meet.

Bill, how did Alonzo do in our quiz? Alonzo's got game. Four right for eight more points. He now has 12 and the lead. All right. Faith, you're up next for Linda Blank. On Sunday, several senior members of Blank's staff tested positive for coronavirus. Mike Pence.

Right. According to a new report, if re-elected, Trump would immediately fire FBI Director Blank. Christopher Wray. Right. This week, the source of an anonymous op-ed critical of the Trump administration was revealed to be the former chief of staff for Blank. Department of Homeland Security. Yeah, exactly.

Miles Taylor. On Friday, France entered a nationwide blank in response to rising COVID numbers. Lockdown. Right. A pair of thieves robbing an escape room in the Netherlands were disappointed when they broke into a vintage safe and found blank. A wheel of cheese. No, they found clues to solve the rest of the escape room. On Tuesday, Keith Raniere, the leader of the Blank cult, was sentenced to 120 years in prison.

Oh, NXIVM. Yes. On Thursday, Jerry Falwell Jr. sued former employer Blank, claiming the school had damaged his reputation. Liberty U. Right. Police in Texas were able to find the man who stole a log splitter this week because he left Blank behind at the scene.

His hatchet. No, he left his finger. When detectives behind at the scene. His hatchet. No, he left his finger. When detectives arrived at the scene after the log splitter was reported stolen, they found a variety of clues, including a discarded cell phone, a set of tools, and one finger. They then visited nearby hospitals to see who had been admitted with a similar injury and fit the evidence to the crime. It was like a remake of Cinderella, directed by the guy who made Saw. to the crime. It was like a remake of Cinderella directed by the guy who made

Saw. I love that someone said, dust for fingerprints. I think I found some on this finger. Bill, how did Faith do in our quiz? Well, she got six right for 12 more points. She now has 16

and the lead. Alright, Bill, how many then does Adam Burke need to win? Adam needs six to win. All right, Adam. This is for the game. Here we go. According to a CNN poll, Blank maintains a 12-point national lead for the presidency.

Joe Biden. Right. On Wednesday, a judge ruled that all voters at Texas polling places must wear blank. Masks. Right. As coronavirus cases hit new records, the blank dropped almost four percent. The Dow Jones? Yes. On Monday,

a fast-spreading blank forced 60,000 people in Southern California to evacuate. Wildfire. Right. On Thursday, blank claims fell to their lowest level since March. Unemployment. Yeah, jobless claims. On Wednesday, Hurricane Blank made landfall in Louisiana. Zeta. Right. Delivery drivers in a town in Britain say they're unable to do their job because of the constant threat of Blank. Rudeness. No, the constant threat of Bob, a sex-crazed duck.

It's mating season for Bob the Muscovy Duck, which means he's extra randy and terrorizing everyone in the neighborhood. His owner tells the son, quote, I have no idea what happened. He went from a little egg to this sex maniac who just lusts after everyone. She says she doesn't know what to do since Bob has figured out how to get out of his pen. But she's calling in reinforcements from America. Gerald, the overly aggressive wild turkey. Bill, did Adam do well enough to win? Sit down, everybody.

Adam got six right for 12 more points. That means with 17, he is the champion this week. Congratulations. Yay. In just a minute, our panelists will predict what will be the biggest surprise on election night. Wait, wait, don't tell me. It's a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Haircut Productions.

Doug Bandana-Berman, benevolent overlord. Philip Godeka writes our limericks. Our house manager is Gianna Capodona. Our intern to the max is Darius Cook. Our web guru is Beth Novy. BGA Leaderman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, and Lillian King. Our Peter Inspector is Peter Gwynn.

Special thanks this week to Ismael Lutfi, technical directionist from Lorna White, our business and ops manager is Colin Miller, our production manager is Robert Newhouse, our senior producer is Ian Schillag, and the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike After School Special, Dan Forth. Now, panel, what would be the big surprise on Tuesday night?

Adam Burke. The most surprising thing on Tuesday is you're going to have a moment, just a moment where you're going to be bummed that you don't get to argue with your Uncle Steve about politics at Thanksgiving this year. But don't worry, it'll pass. Faith Saley. As every projected electoralctoral College vote comes in Wolf Blitzer will slowly

Turn into the Wolfman He's been suppressing for years And Alonzo Bowden I predict the Chiefs Will repeat in the Super Bowl Oh wait, is there something else Going on? I haven't heard

Well if any of that happens We'll ask you about it on Wait Wait haven't heard. Well, if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Alonzo Bowden, Adam Burke, and Faith Saley. Thanks to all of you for listening. You guys, it's not the beginning of

the end, but it is the end of the beginning. I'm Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week. This is NPR.