Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! - Patti Smith

Episode Date: February 12, 2022

Poet and Rock Icon Patti Smith plays our game about pattysmiths...fast food burger restaurants. She is joined by panelists Maeve Higgins, Hari Kondabolu and Bobcat GoldthwaitLearn more about sponsor message choices: podcastchoices.com/adchoicesNPR Privacy Policy

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. By curious, how about Bill Curtis? I'm Bill Curtis, and here is your host, recently voted most likely to be the next person to start talking, Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill bill and thanks again to the fake audience later on we are going to observe a milestone the very coolest person ever to appear on our show well other than bill and weird aliankovic rock and roll icon patty smith we've got no time to waste because she might reconsider before her slot. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now let's welcome our

first listener contestant. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hello, this is Whitney Holmes calling from Idaho Falls, Idaho. Oh, really? Idaho Falls, Idaho. That's where Idaho falls, I assume. What do you do there? I am the co-owner of a brand new independent bookstore downtown called Winnie and Moe's Bookshop. Wow. That takes, as they say in Idaho, chutzpah. Yes. Are you from Idaho? Did you just go there? Is that what I'm understanding? I moved here about three and a half years ago. Yeah. And when I came here, there was no independent bookstore. So here we are. And now there is. Now there is. Well,

good luck to you. And welcome to the show, Whitney. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, her brand new book is Tell Everyone on This Train I Love Them. It's Maeve Higgins. Hi. Hi, Maeve. Next, it's a comedian you can see in Burlington, Vermont, from March 10th to the 12th at Vermont Comedy Club, and in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, from March 24th to the 26th at the Laughing Tap. It's Hari Kondabolu.

Hello. Hi, Hari. And a comedian you can see at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia, February 17th through the 19th. It's Bobcat Goldthwait. Hi. Good luck with that bookstore. Yeah, thank you, Bobcat.

Well, welcome to the show, Whitney. You're going to play Who's Bill this time. Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to do this? Yes, I'm ready. All right. explain just two of them. You will win our prize. Any voice from our show you might choose for your voicemail. Are you ready to do this? Yes, I'm ready. All right. Here is your first quote.

The fake story that I flushed documents down a White House toilet is categorically untrue. That was someone who absolutely did flush documents down a White House toilet. Who was it? President, former President Trump. Former President Trump. indeed. Yes. First, we learned that President Trump routinely tore up official documents. That's not allowed. Then we heard he illegally took boxes of them back with him to Mar-a-Lago. And now this week, Maggie Haberman reports that many times while he was in office, he complained to the White House staff that the toilets were clogged and the plumbers found big wads of paper flushed down

there. And look, before you mock him for trying to get rid of presidential documents down the toilet, it's a smart strategy. He is disposing of evidence in the one place he is sure that no one will go for at least 20 minutes after he leaves it. But isn't the whole thing like you light a match? Well. So like, why didn't he just light a match and burn the paper? That's actually, he should have thought of that. The only thing I'm surprised by is that he didn't flush down the constitution.

Am I right, everybody? Yeah. He tried. It's okay. You know, you see in restaurants, don't flush anything down the and i i would always think what do they think we're going to do like our jewelry like our drugs no we need that stuff but now i understand i mean he's not a big rules guy i mean no no He probably carries tampons for the purpose of flushing them down the toilet. It's spite tampons.

Do you remember? Everybody's been talking about this. Remember how Trump was super obsessed with like inefficient low flow toilets like during his entire time in office? He talked about it all the time. Oh, he'd say it takes too many flushes, 10, 15 flushes to get it down. This must be why. He's like, these toilets are so weak, you can't even flush the evidence. You had Jeffrey Epstein killed. He had that gold plated toilet like a Bond villain. Do you think it had a garbage disposal on the bottom of it? Like a shredding machine? It's possible. All right, here is your next quote, Whitney. It's the KFC Taco Bell of the sky.

That was a man named Blake Hammond on Twitter, of course, commenting on the news that Frontier and Spirit Airlines, those two low-budget airlines, are going to do what? Merge. They're going to merge. Yes, they're going to merge. Spirit and Frontier Airlines have in fact announced plans for a merger the deal would create

America's fifth largest and first worst airline. With their combined resources, the company will be able to cancel over 1,000 flights a day. This is totally a great idea. The Titanic and Hindenburg people getting together.

This is... There's one upside to this merger. At least you'll never have to fly Spirit or Frontier Airlines ever again. We don't know what the new one is going to be called. Maybe Spirit Ear? Frontit? This is like

two people meeting in the hallway of divorce court. Well, you're single now, I guess. Well, it is true that the story behind the merger is really fascinating. Years ago, both airlines agreed that if neither of them had married by the time they were 40, they would just do it. Without the need to compete with each other, the airlines can devote their resources to perfecting no-frills travel. For example, first up, making every seat a middle seat. I never liked the name frontier for an airline because you're supposed to know where you're going. Like the idea that there's a frontier. No, you've been there, right? You've been to San

Francisco. You know how to get there. This is not new for you. The frontier. Remember the airports of the old west? Oh, yes. With their rough wooden, you know, jetways. All right. Here, Whitney, is your last quote. Who said stuffed animals were just for the kids?

Why should they get to have all the fun? That's a company trying to convince grown-ups to buy a new version of their popular stuffed animals, Valentine-ready, adults-only version of what? I don't know. The only thing coming to mind is the teddy bear workshop doll. That's exactly it. It's Build-A-Bear Workshop. You got it, Whitney.

Thank you. Build-A-Bear, that's the ubiquitous mall chain that allows children to design their own teddy bear and then watch as its eerie, empty skin is stuffed to give it a simulation of life. They've released their line of, quote, after dark bears just in time for Valentine's Day. You can find them in the back of the Build-A-Bear Workshop behind a beaded curtain. Interestingly, after dark bears, also one of the Build-A-Bear workshop behind a beaded curtain. Interestingly, After Dark Bears, also one of the best gay bars in Chicago.

Oh. Sponsoring the show. The collection includes a bear in a devil costume, a lion holding a bottle of champagne, and a rabbit with huge boobs. Oh, when you said, like, adult bears, I thought you meant,

I don't know, bears with a stable career or something. Oh, yes. Bears when you said like adult bears, I thought you meant, I don't know, bears with a stable career. Oh yes, bears when you pull the string on their back, they just complain about their student loans. That's what we mean by adult bears. That's so hot to me. Now, this is a special Valentine's Day event, but actually Build-A-Bear has offered stuffed animals specifically for adults for years, according to your unmarried uncle when you opened the door to his guest room suddenly. Why do we have to make everything creepy? I'm still... I'm really sad about this rabbit.

Yeah. That's not cool. That's not cool. But I mean, think about already teddy bears, what they represent, like actual bears are terrifying and gigantic. So it's already creepy that we were like, here you go, baby. Here's a little furry bear. Seriously, the only thing worse than this being thought up by some marketing people at Build-A-Bear is the idea that it's a response to customer demand. Like, I can't explain it, Phil.

We keep getting people asking if the bears can be sexier. Bill, how did Whitney do on our quiz? Whitney bared it all and got three straight. She's a winner. All right. That was a bear pun. Okay. I get you now.

Done like an independent bookseller. Well done, Whitney. Thank you very much. Good job, Whitney. Thank you. Take care. job, Whitney. Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye. You too.

Bye. I'm a toy in the game you play. Hanging round on your string. You can find me here any day With the other used things Right now, panel, it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Maeve, according to the Wall Street Journal, the real estate market is still incredibly hot with prices so high that some realtors have finally stopped doing what? Baking in their home.

No. No. Although, I don't know any realtor that actually does that, but it is an old story. They've stopped doing, like showing it to poor people. Showing houses to poor people. That's right. They've started discriminating. No.

I'll give you a hint. You know, they say things now, they no longer say, oh, it needs a lot of TLC. They say like, it needs eight sticks of TNT. Oh, they've stopped

like fibbing on the... Exactly. They have stopped lying. Anybody who's shopped for a new house knows that real estate agents lie all the time. Like the water view,

for example, means you can see the burst sewer pipe from the bathroom. But now with demand so high, they're not even bothering to lie. Like that's not a fixer-upper. That's a haunted dungeon. So they're like, here, do you want this filthy little hovel because you're so pathetic? I don't know if they start insulting you as well. But they've become very straightforward about what they're selling. I'll give you an example.

One realtor in Texas described the landscape around his property as kind of boring, not much to look at. There's no more euphemisms. I like it. Rustic charm. It means it's a super fund toxic waste site or that historic farmhouse means someone was murdered there. The Gein family really took care of this barn. Was that a serious killer? I knew it.

I didn't even know that name, but I knew just from, because my comedy brain is so clever. Sounds a little like dating after the pandemic as well. People are like, people are like, boy, I'm a mess.

Jeez, but I am available, but available. But what a wreck. Nobody has any time to put gild any lilies. You know what I mean? One realtor in Greeley, Colorado, likes to tell potential buyers that the area, quote, smells like a farmhouse. While a realtor in Florida brags about the proximity to nature and the wide variety of COVID variants. Take your pick. Coming up, we emote about being remote in our house Coming up, we emote about being remote in our Bluff the Listener game.

Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Maeve Higgins, Bobcat Goldthwait, and Hari Kondabolu. And here again is your host,

a man I just made, at Build-A-Peter. It's Peter Sagal. Thank you, Bill. Right now it is time for the Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me bluff to listen to game. Call 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to play our game in the air. Hi, you are on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hi, this is Audrey. I'm calling from Chicago, Illinois. Whoa. Hey there. How are you?

Good. How are you? I'm fine. What do you do here? I am a lead makeup artist and small business owner of Chicago Makeup and Hair Professionals. We do on-site weddings and special events and things like that. We do makeup and hair. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Is your business influenced, if you will, by influencers? Do people say, oh, I saw this amazing person on Instagram and I want to look just like her? Does that ever come up? Well, not exactly. I mean, they do show us a lot of pictures. Usually it's like, I want cheekbones like that. I want a monobrow like this woman named Frida.

Oh, big brows are in right now. Are they? Are they? Like big hairy eyebrows are in now? Yes. Yes. This is my time. There you go. Audrey, welcome to the show. You're going to play the game in which you have to tell truth from fiction. Bill, what is Audrey's topic? Working from home is

where the heart is. Working from home is tough. I assume. I just watch TV all day and then read whatever they send me to read when it shows up. But this week, we heard about someone for whom remote work has actually turned out unexpectedly great.

Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth. You'll win the weight-waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Are you ready to play? Yeah, I sure am. First, let's hear from Hari Kondabolu. Stockbroker Ian Sterling, like many, discovered that working from home gave him a lot of spare time. So he decided to do something that he hadn't done in years, make his grandma's pumpkin loaf. Quote, I've always loved baking, but I stopped when I was 12 because my father said it was too feminine. My dad was a male flight attendant, so I think his own insecurity

led to how he raised me. The popularity of his pumpkin loaf and his toxic masculinity led him to open Man Buns, a bakery for the alpha male. There are cute things like the bear market claw with a price that varies based on the swings of the actual stock market. However, there are darker elements of this business. Ian has spread rumors about salmonella outbreaks at rival bakeries to drive their prices down. Despite such tactics, he has the biggest donut shop in town. Why? He's bought the land that many of his competitors rent on and forced them out before turning them into one of his own bakeries. Needless to say, Ian's bakery isn't your mom and pop's bakery. I mean, it was, and then he bought it. Man Bun's a new bakery opened by a

Wall Street guy during his downtime while working at home. Your next story of a bright side of working from home comes from Maeve Higgins. It's nice to stay home, isn't it? Home is where we keep all our bits and pieces, like our kids and bits of cheese left over from sandwiches and our tumble dryer. Today, many of us just stay home all day near the kids over from sandwiches and our tumble dryer. Today, many of us just stay home all day near the kids and the cheese and the tumble dryer and we pretend to do our work. It's wonderful. And guess what? It can even save lives. Last week, a woman named Pam Harkt was on a Zoom call with her boss. Both of them were pretending to have a meeting about their work for a company that processes payments,

but obviously they were just looking out their windows. Suddenly, Pam spotted a commercial fishing boat that looked like it was in trouble, in huge waves, and there was smoke emerging from it. Then it started sinking. Pam immediately excused herself from the fake meeting and called 911. Her boss was glad of the break because she thought she saw Ben Affleck struggling outside their local Dunkin' Donuts. Meanwhile, the sea authorities rescued three fishermen from the water in Massachusetts and everyone agreed it's better to look at the water

than to look at your laptop. Ben Affleck sadly drowned in a venti ice latte. A woman in a work-from-home Zoom meeting looks out the window, sees a boat sinking, and saves three lives. Your last story of someone out of the office comes from Bobcat Goldthwait. Jason Stewart, CEO of a startup tech company that specializes in liability insurance, was in for quite a shock when he returned

to the company's abandoned loft headquarters. Since the entire staff has been working remotely from home, his once prestigious offices now was overrun with 250,000 chipmunks. It turns out that the vermin had broken in and began gorging themselves on the high-tech company's computer's electrical wiring. The place is destroyed, claims Stewart. We were prepared for cyber attacks and virus, but not a chipmunk attack. Things went from bad to worse when Stewart learned that his insurance company was covered for mouse and rat infestation, but not chipmunk.

You would have thought a guy in my line of work would have read the small print. But there is a silver lining. These were no ordinary chipmunks. These were the nearly extinct Palmer chipmunk. The company's empty headquarters single-handedly removed the Palmer chipmunk from the endangered species list. Whoop-de-doo, said a less-than-impressed Stewart. My company went under, and now I'm king of the chipmunks. All right, here are your choices. Something good, more or less, happened because somebody was working from home.

Was it from Hari how a Wall Street guy was inspired to use his spare time to start baking again and founded his own toxic masculine bakery, Man Buns? From Maeve, how a woman who was ignoring her Zoom meeting at home looked out her window, saw a boat sinking, and ended up saving their lives? Or from Bobcat, how an abandoned office ended up saving a species of endangered chipmunk because it provided them a place to thrive. Which of these is the real story of an upside of working from home we found in the news? I'm going to go with number three, the chipmunk. Well, then that's your choice. You chose Bobcat's story. Well, we actually spoke to the person who was working from home and reaped this benefit.

I was casually looking out the window while on this very important work call, and I happened to notice that there was a fishing vessel in distress. That was a woman named Pam Hart, who was in fact the woman that Maeve was talking about, who was sitting in a Zoom meeting by the ocean in Massachusetts, looked out, saw a fishing boat explode, and ended up saving their lives. So we're afraid you didn't win our prize. You earned a pint for Bobcat. I'll do your voice message if you want.

I feel bad. Okay, deal. Well, thank you so much for playing. All right. Thank you. Thank you. And now the game where cool people agree to hang out with us nerds for a little while. Patti Smith isn't just, you know, a part of American cultural history.

She embodies it. She lived with Robert Mapplethorpe in 1970s New York. She hung out with everyone from William Burroughs to Bruce Springsteen, and she practically created punk rock with her 1975 debut album, Horses. These days, she's writing and performing her poetry on Substack, and we are delighted to talk to her. Patti Smith, welcome to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you, but please don't say I practically invented anything. I really didn't, But I don't want anybody stopping me on the street and say, you know, because actually Mozart was the real true inventor of punk rock. Mozart? As in Wolfgang Amadeus? Yeah. I mean, who was more punk rock than Mozart? I mean,

he would go to court with these little lace you know uh lace shirts with ink stains all over them and uh because he was always writing and getting ink stains on his on his shirts and uh told to go through the kitchen door so i don't know what that has to do with punk rock but you know it sounds cool though uh i i want to check in with you first uh you you in your life you've gotten out a lot and of course during the pandemic we couldn't what have you been up to primarily the substack thing right well i mean i i mean i write all the time so that um i this substack has been really nice for me because it keeps me in contact with people and it's episodic. Right.

Yeah. I really like it. I like the slight pressure of it. And I like imagining all of these people that can't wait to get these episodes. And then I see only 23 have read it. That's the problem. It's the feedback. So like a lot of people i devoured your memoir just kids of you arriving in new york city in your years with maple thorpe and getting started as an artist uh and there are so many things i want to ask you about many people on our staff were concerned though about your diet are you still eating lettuce sandwiches um actually yeah there's nothing wrong with lettuce sandwiches no we really we really had no money back then and you know, there's nothing wrong with lettuce sandwiches. No, we really, we really had no money back then. And, you know, it's not like now where people,

they buy cappuccinos with a credit card, you know, it's unbelievable. And I mean, back then it was all cash. If you didn't have money, you just didn't eat. So, or else you had to go to like bars at happy hour and sort of walk in and act like, you know what you were doing and then take the free chicken wings. I mean, that's how we, we had to eat. I want, there's a lot, there's another thing that you mentioned in passing, which I love. And I wanted to ask you about it in more detail. You, you, you, you, you describe your, your sort of progress from being a writer, visual artist to becoming what you were, a rock and roll

star. And one of the stops along the way was you opened for the New York Dolls reading poetry. No, I actually opened for 8-Ball. I was like the opener of the opening act. And you say that like one of the things you got good at was like really dealing with hecklers. Oh, I mean, that was like 50 years ago but you know it's always what i do it's like now if i'm reading poetry or talking like that at my concerts and people like say they i still get it like guys go rock and roll and that's you know really you're you're still getting heckled 50 years on oh yeah i get i still get heckled but believe me, nobody survives.

And it's one surviving heckler. Patty, can I ask you a completely irrelevant question that I've always wondered? They've all been irrelevant. That's sort of our specialty here, but go ahead. In the 80s, were you ever confused for Patty Smythe

and did people ever go up to you and ask you if you were married to john mackinrow did that ever happen um a couple of times but a really funny thing happened i mean it might sound not it's not funny but it is i was at some photography exhibit and this was like in the midnight like after my husband passed away, it's probably like late nineties. And, um, this woman comes up to me in this, uh, I was in an agitated mood and this woman comes up to me in this gallery and goes, um, how's your husband? And she, and I said, my husband is dead. And she went, your husband's dead. And I said, yes. And she went, Oh my gosh, she screamed. Oh my God, John McEnroe is dead.

I didn't want, she screamed it. Like everyone would like, time stopped in the gallery. That is both. That's both the worst and the best story I've ever heard. I know that's what I'm saying. But, you know, my husband wouldn't mind. He'd think it was funny. So, well, we feel we're lucky because we have the real Patti Smith.

And we have Ashley here to play a game that this time we're calling Patti Smith. Try a cheeseburger from our Patti Smith. So you're a poet and rock and roll icon, Patti Smith, but what do you know about the craftspeople making hamburgers who are also called Patti Smiths, or so I am told? We're going to ask you three questions about burger artisans. Answer two out of three correctly, you'll win a prize. One of our listeners, Bill, who is Patti Smith playing for? Aaron Hardy of Los Angeles, California.

Oh, poor Aaron. I'm sorry already. I'm just, poor Aaron. I'm sorry already. I'm just telling Aaron already. I'm already sorry. I think if in fact you lose, it would be an honor to have you lose for him if you follow. First question. After several buildings near a Carl's Jr. in California caught fire, the employees decided to thank all the first responders by making them all free hamburgers. They had to stop, though, when what happened? A,

the grease from all the burgers caused that Carl's Jr. to also catch fire. B, a fire station's Dalmatian ran off with all the meat. Or C, they realized the fires were being put out by the nation's first all-vegan firefighting crew. Yeah, it's Bertall Brecht's birthday today. fighting crew? Yeah, it's Bertall Brecht's birthday today. I know that answer. If you would have asked me whose birthday it was, I would be number one. Okay, you're going to choose number one and you would be correct. You would be correct. That's what happened. Good news, like we're making you free food. Bad news, it's in that burning building over there. I can't wait for question number two. Here's your next question. To celebrate the popularity of the children's cartoon, a restaurant in the Netherlands created the My Little Pony burger. What's on it? A,

two burger patties covered in rainbow-colored glitter. B, quote, friendship ketchup and magic sauce. Or C, horse meat. Friendship sauce. Friendship sauce. Friendship. Do you know my little pony by any chance? Yeah, I know that should be number one, but the idea of putting glitter on a hamburger is so disgusting that I couldn't, I couldn't choose that. So you're going to go with friendship, ketchup and magic sauce. Yes. No, it was actually, there were burgers made of horse meat. That's why we're called my little pony burgers. Oh, I've eaten horse meat in France. Sure. So it makes sense. It has a funny aftertaste, truthfully.

It does. I had it in Iceland, and when I expressed shock that I was eating horses like the ones outside, they said, oh, no, we just eat the ugly ones. Cold place, Iceland. All right. Third question. If you get this, you win it all. Here's your last question. Gene and Betty Hoots have owned a burger shop in Mattoon, Illinois, since 1959.

What is it called? A, the Mattoon Hoots' Gluten Flume. B, the Three Michelin Star Burger Shop, a name they had just changed from the Two Michelin Star Burger Shop. Or C, Burger King. This is so hard. Two. This is so hard. Two.

You're going to go, so you're going to go, they named their burger shop, the three Michelin star burger shop. After having named it the two Michelin star burger shop, they gave themselves. All right. Do you think that the Michelin,

the Michelin company might have had something to say about that? I know you're trying to help me get the answer. I'm not competitive. I love being wrong. No, I'm just joking. I know you're trying to help me get the answer. I'm not competitive. I love being wrong. No, I'm just joking. I mean, truthfully, I don't understand any of the answers. So let's try number one because, okay. You're going to go for the Mouton Hoots gluten flu? Actually, no, because how are you going to put that on a sign? Exactly. All right, Burger King. Yes, it's Burger King.

You tried all three of them, but the answer, you chose the right one at the end. The answer is Burger King. They trademarked the name Burger King two years before the big Burger King chain came into existence. And so they got a special dispensation. There is no like franchise Burger King within 20 miles of Mattoon, Illinois.

There is only the original Burger King, the Mattoon Hoots Burger King. Bill, how did Patti Smith do on our quiz? Patti got two out of three right. And, Patti, that means you won our prize. Congratulations. There you go. Patti Smith is a rock and roll icon and poet whose new project, The Melting, is available at Substack.com. Patti Smith, thank you so much for gracing us with your presence on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. We are so pleased to have you. Thank you. Bye-bye. And remember, I did not invent punk rock. The only thing I invented was the lettuce sandwich.

It was the lettuce sandwich. That's right. Patti Smith did not invent punk rock. Didn't invent lettuce sandwich. Got it. We're good. Thank you so much, Patty. Bye-bye.

Now what do I do? Now what you do is if you can find in your screen, it says leave or whatever. Okay. All right. Go back to your life. So hard to say goodbye. I know.

You know, like as Shirley Temple would sing, good night, my friends, sleep tight, my sing, good night, my friends. Sleep tight, my friends. Good night. Nighty night. Bye.

Bye. Thanks. In just a minute, Bill makes the monkeys in the zoo swoon during a romantic listener limerick challenge. Tell 1-888-WAIT-WAIT to join us in the air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR. From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the NPR News Quiz. I'm Bill Curtis.

We're playing this week with Bobcat Goldthwait, Hari Kondabolu, and Maeve Higgins. And here again is your host, he may be small, Peter Sagal. It's bullying. Thank you, Bill. In just a minute, Bill stars in an adorable rhyme con

in our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Bobcat, this week, students in California left class in protest after administrators removed what from their school? Chocolate milk. Exactly right, Bobcat.

A official at Vacaville Elementary and Middle School in California agreed last week that thanks to its high sugar content, chocolate milk would be removed from the school cafeteria and replaced with something healthier. Look, our kids go to school to catch COVID, not diabetes. The students, angry that the school was being lactose intolerant, organized a protest, stomping out of class, carrying handmade signs with slogans like, we want our chocolate milk and you should see the crap we eat at home. The school caved.

They're now allowing chocolate milk every other Friday. Wait, so they used to get it every day? Is that what happens in school? Apparently, yes. They used to have an option of having chocolate milk every day at lunch. Yeah, you can't just cut them off. That's the sugar that will lose our minds. I need some of the good stuff. Chocolate milk every day at lunch. Yeah, you can't just cut them off. Right. It's the sugar that will lose our minds.

I need some of the good stuff. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and also I feel like in France, don't they always have like a bowl of hot chocolate in the morning? Exactly, and that's how it's pronounced. Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate. And so it's very sophisticated. Do to give them utensils or are they

like on the floor with a bowl yeah they laugh they laugh a bowl i'm also thinking like what would the methadone be for chocolate milk addiction probably ovaltine yeah yeah i think strawberry milk just because it's still sugar but it's fruit man let the kids have the chocolate milk like how many things during the day make you feel good when you're that small it's still sugar but it's fruit man let the kids have the chocolate milk like how many things during the day make you feel good when you're that small it's like oh it's pizza day i'm getting chocolate milk it's the book fair there's only a handful of things reese says you're taking one of the key things away those are still all the things that i look forward to in a day yeah Yeah. Yeah.

Tastes never change. I'm 59. You tell me I'm getting pizza and chocolate milk. That's a pretty good day. That's a great day. There's a book fair. Your glasses spring off your face. I feel bad I said book fair.

It's like, oh, yeah, I'm a nerd. That's right. It's book fair day, guys. Other kids are like they enjoy sports day. Hari, a woman named Catherine Graham. She's from Boston, Massachusetts. Last week, she fulfilled a lifelong dream. She went out to L.A.

She got into the audience for Price is Right. She got called down, come on down, right? She got to compete and get on the stage to play the big game and she won a trip to where whoa that is very specific it really um and also the clues don't really like the clue doesn't really help so it could really be anywhere in the world no the clue helps is that is that right yeah what did i Tell me again. I said she came from Boston, Massachusetts. She went out to LA. Oh, no.

Was it Boston? Close enough. New Hampshire. She won. She won five nights in beautiful New Hampshire, which is about an hour from Boston. Can she trade it for cash? Yeah, but it would be like $70. Right.

Exactly. Well, the prize was like a flight from la to manchester new hampshire and then a rental car over to conquered the destination for her wonderful vacation so she'd have to fly from boston to la to fly back basically uh i'm not gonna say this is a lame prize but this is trueAdvisor's list of the top 15 things to do in Concord, New Hampshire. Number two is the movie theater. And number four is it's close to Boston. She can see family. It's good for her, though.

You find out what the prize is before you play, I think. And it was good for her for not throwing the game. I think that bottle of sauce scrub cost $76, Drew. Now, if she had lost the five-night stay in Concord, she would, of course, received the consolation prize, a six-night stay in Concord. Take that, New Hampshire!

Coming up, it's lightning fill in the blank, but first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can also find tickets to our March 3rd show at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, Georgia, and our April 7th show at the Harris Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Hi, you're on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Hey, Peter. This is Lippy Roy calling from Manhattan, New York.

Hey, Manhattan. We were just talking about Manhattan with one Patti Smith. What do you do there? So I'm an internal medicine and addiction medicine doctor, and I'm one of the medical directors at Housing Works, which is a wonderful nonprofit dedicated to fighting HIV, AIDSiv aids and homelessness and i also do a lot of medical on-air commentary and lately it's been all about covid for the last two years oh yeah i guess so so you're like one of the the uh the physicians the actual physicians they have on the news channels and they repeat whatever like joe rogan has been saying and then you just put your head in your hands and sigh? Yeah, exactly. Shake my head, yeah, and sigh, curse, yeah, all that. Yeah, yeah. Libby, welcome to the show.

Bill Curtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with a last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play? Absolutely. All right, here is your first limerick. Sales of art can't be left to civilians.

We need auctions on fancy pavilions. This guy held a yard sale that was a real hard sale. 30 bucks for some art that's worth... Gazillions? Gazillions? Close enough. Millions. Whatever. Inflation. gazillions gazillions close enough millions whatever no no no millions goes to gazillions the inflation is so terrible a man in massachusetts bought a 30 drawing at a yard sale only to discover it was an original sketch by albrecht durer worth 10 million dollars this is a good reminder about how it's important to always check to see if 16th century Northern

European Renaissance masters in your neighborhood are getting rid of any crap. This is why I hoard things because I fear that will happen. That if you said that the second you let it go, someone will discover it's a priceless artifact. Yes. I go to yard sales

as my audition for Antiques Roadshow. Like, this is going to get me on. I'm going to find something. It's always like an old baseball match. I know. Here is your next limerick. We macaques hate a wet northern day. Those cold Brits have a love-starving way.

Now a fellow walks on, singing, Let's get it on. Zookeepers sing like... Like Marvin Gaye. Yes, Marvin Gaye. In an effort to increase its number of endangered Barbary macaques, a zoo in the UK hired a Marvin Gaye impersonator to provide a romantic serenade for them.

The music replicated the animal's preferred habitat, a loveseat covered in purple velour. And it worked. Apparently, they started engaging in more grooming behavior, which is sort of, you know, how macaques flirt. I really want to meet the guy whose

professional gig is singing Marvin Gaye covers to a pair of sexually frustrated monkeys at a zoo. Like, what? You've already met him. He's right here. What's going on?

Is that what you want to be doing? What, and leave show business? No, seriously. Like the macaque enclosure? I haven't heard of a place I less want to hear let's get it on since the Build-A-Bear workshop. All right. Here is your last limerick.

I don't know what this scent would disguise because I smell like a fast food franchise. It's the essence of fat from the heart of the vet. It's a perfume that smells just like... Fries? Fries, yes. Those freaks at the Idaho Potato Commission made headlines this week with their new French fry scented perfume.

It's the perfect scent to give you that sultry, got drunk and went to McDonald's before I showed up at your apartment scent. In creating the perfume, they used distilled potatoes and essential oils, once again stretching the boundaries of what can be called essential. It's perfume that smells like French fries. My sisters, or I could have used it when we were teenagers. Did you go to work? Ma, smell me.

Did you, Bobcat, have a job, as many teenagers did did at the local McDonald's and or fast food joint? No, I bagged groceries for a living. I was the bagger. Eggs on top. That's me. I came up with that. I go, guys. That was you.

I go, someone listen to me. Eggs on top. You saved God knows how many eggs. Bill, how did Lippy do on our quiz? Well, doctor, thank you for helping us through the pandemic. And I hope we made you feel a little better because you're an absolute winner. You got three in a row. You did.

You did. Congratulations. Excellent. Take care. Thank you, Bill, Peter, and all the celebrities. Please be safe and healthy. Same to you. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Now on to our final game, Lightning Fill in the Blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer now worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores? Yes. Maeve has two. Hari has two.

Bobcat has four. Oh, my God. Wow. Don't say, oh, my God. All right. Just pretty. Pretty surprised. All right. Just pretty. Pretty surprised. All right.

Well, I'm going to arbitrarily choose Hari to go first. So here we go. The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Thursday, Russia began military exercises near the border of blank. Ukraine. Right. On Monday, the CEO of Delta called for unruly passengers to be put on a blank. A plane home.

A no-fly list. This week, two teens in Missouri who fell beneath the ice in a frozen lake were saved by blank. Aquaman. Two firefighters who were on the same lake doing ice rescue practice. Announced on Tuesday, the power of the dog and dune led this year's blank nominations. Oscars. Yes. This week, a Florida man who couldn't find his car after leaving the bar searched for it by blanking.

By passing out? No, he searched for his car by stealing another car, which he quickly got stuck onto some nearby train tracks. So he jumped out and then a train hit the car and knocked it flying into a house. But the man didn't see any of that because he'd already left to steal a forklift to continue his search for his own car. But he saw the police first and asked them for help, and they arrested him. Yeah, I wasn't going to get that. Yeah, yeah. Man, imagine how embarrassed he's going to be when he remembers he took the bus to the bar that night.

Bill, how are we doing our quiz? He had two right for four more points. He now has six and in the lead. I think I won this. All right. All right, for four more points, he now has six. And in the lead. I think I won this. All right, all right. So that means that, Maeve, you are up next. Please fill in the blank. Despite multiple states loosening their restrictions,

the CDC says it's still too early to lift blank mandates. COVID-19. The plague. Specifically mask mandates. Oh, Omicron. Oh, oh. On Monday, the Supreme Court halted the redrawing of blanks electoral map.

America. Alabama's. On Thursday, the White House announced a $5 billion funding plan to provide states with blanks for electric cars. Oh, they got a new cat.

The Biden's got a new cat. Is that what this is? No, this is about the charging stations for the electric cars. A restaurant in Pennsylvania is apologizing for accidentally running a magazine ad showing a cappuccino with a blank. My goodness. A mask.

A mask. No, a cappuccino with a naked man drawn in the foam. On Tuesday, the U.S. confirmed a new strain of blank at a turkey farm in Indiana. Chicken. COVID. Chickens. Bird flu. This week, a casino used security camera footage and advanced forensics to catch a man who

blanked. Gambling. No, they caught a man who won a lot of money but left without it. He was playing slots and the slot machine was malfunctioning so it did not tell the man that he had just won $200,000 in a big jackpot. And he left. Fortunately, we all know casinos will go to any length to make sure people get their money so they hunted the man down to give him his winnings

two hundred thousand dollars in vouchers to the buffet dream no actually real money they actually did this because he knows being good peter i made a real effort there so i really know i know and i think that that that should be certainly taken into account when I ask Bill, how did Maeve do? Well, she set a new record as far as my tenure here. She had none right. Wait. Which means Hari still has the lead. Oh, wait a second.

I should be in the lead. Bill, are you sure? You said COVID so many times. Surely it was right. Some mentally. All right. Okay, good luck, Bobcat. Bill, how many does Bobcat need to win?

We'll hold all the bets because Bobcat is in a very good position. He needs one to tie and two to win. Okay, Bobcat, this is for the game. On Tuesday, a truck convoy protesting COVID restrictions in blank reached the U.S. border. Canada. Yes. This week, Prince Charles announced that he had tested positive for blank for the second time.

COVID. Right. In a new video, lunatic Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene denounced Nancy Pelosi's... Gazpacho. Yes. Gazpacho police. On Monday, conservative video site Rumble offered blank $100 million to leave Spotify. Joe Rogan. Yes, a British man says he was stunned when the blank he lost on vacation 11 years ago turned up in the mail.

Wife? No, his false teeth. Paul Bishop was in Spain in 2011 when he had one or ate too many drinks and deposited everything into a trash bin along with his teeth, which he didn't notice were gone because of the many drinks I mentioned. This week, the teeth showed up in the mail. Someone found them in a Spanish landfill. The government did a DNA analysis and then tracked him down to return them. In other happy news, the nation of Spain has no actual problems to solve right now.

Yeah, we got a lot of unsolved murders, but we got to get this guy his top teeth back. Bill did, did in fact Bobcat do well enough to win. All eyes on the Bobcat. He had four right for eight more points,

which means with 12 points, he is this week's champion. There you go. I decline the honor and I give it to Mae for her commitment

on that. I accept. The president getting a cat story. Thank you so much, Bobcat, and that means a lot to me. I decline the honor and I give it to Maeve for her commitment. I accept. The president getting a cat story. Thank you so much, Bobcat. And that means a lot to me. Against such great intellects like yourself and Hari, that still I would win. In just a minute, we're going to ask our panelists to predict what will be the big surprise out of this weekend's Super Bowl. But first, let me tell you all that Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in association with Urgent Aircraft Productions, Doug Berman, Benevolent Overlord, Philip Godeka writes our limericks, BJ Liederman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbos, Lillian King, and Nancy Seychow. Special thanks to Vinnie Thomas. And our gold medal winner is Peter Gwynn. We're thrilled to welcome our brand new production assistant, Sophie Hernandez-Simeonides.

Technical directions from Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chilock. And the executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now panel, what would be the big surprise out of this weekend's Super Bowl? Bobcat Goldthwait. I predict the NFL will be initially lauded for modernization by doing a Bitcoin flip, but the game will be delayed 20 minutes when the referee cannot remember his password. Maeve Higgins. I predict the writer-comedian Maeve Higgins rushing the pitch and with just one dunk, achieving a touchdown. And Haruka Ndabulu. Despite retiring and not playing in the game, Tom Brady will still somehow win Super Bowl

MVP. And if any of that happens, we'll ask you about it on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Thank you Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Bobcat Goldthwait, Maeve Higgins, and Hari Kondabulu. Thanks to all of you for listening. I am Peter Sagal. We'll see you next week.

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